I'll try and summarize the best way I can. To be honest, there's a part of me that purposely avoided these conversations with her. I didn't want to have the "I told you" conversation. See, I know she was right. I shouldn't have found myself in that position in the first place. Or, as she says, I should have placed protective measures in place. And because I know she was right, I'm embarrassed. I don't know what to do. Come to think of it, I don't even think I have ever apologized to her either. I've never said sorry for what she had to go through, and possibly STILL needs to go through. Secondly, someone pointed out something. "I think you left her behind. You need to go back to the beginning and carry her with you". This is true. See, I didn't think the journey needed her approval. There's a part of me that still thinks that. I'm sorry if I come across as selfish. The reason I'm saying this is because I think the cause was bigger than both of us combined. It was bigger than our own feelings. I didn't start knowing where the journey would lead me. I was taking a chance. I was hopeful, but it was a gamble. But with regards to leaving her behind, I fully agree. Lastly, I think I'm generally hard on parents. I'm going to be very honest. I don't subscribe to the notion that we should accept what is being said to us because our parents are old and they may not know better. I still need deliverance with this. I struggle with it a lot. I generally want to believe that, given a chance, there is always an opportunity for us to sit and be open about how we feel. That's how we become better. Man - there's a lot to reflect on. Ndingabhala kuse.
Everyone makes mistakes. That was just a mistake like the many others humans make. I don't feel it's fair for her to keep saying I was right. Or anything close to that since as long as we are on earth, we all keep making different mistakes
Fix this sis, it's only worth it. You are still young you can bear the pain. But please take it away from her, our parents dont have space for pain it destroys them. Do the right thing...
@@NozibeleQamngana I understand my dear and God will help carry you through all the way. You are so beautiful, successful and intelligent and you are still you remember that❤
Hey Nozi, from how I see it, it seems your mother may also be finding it challenging too to get to a place where she can have an honest conversation with you as well. I've noticed with my father as he is also the same personality type, someone who hardly listens to anyone and is perceived as strong and hard, and finds it difficult to be vulnerable. However, from what you've explained about the way she just bought the topic up out of the blue, I don't think that's the case, I think this is something that has been on her heart for a while. She has probably found it difficult to express her feelings about finding out about something so big in your life through 3rd parties and not from you. Perhaps she feels like as a mother she hasn't created an environment that felt safe for you to feel comfortable enough to express yourself to her and it may be eating her inside. You seem like a very intuitive person, and I would suggest perhaps understanding your mother's communication style, instead of taking offense immediately and allowing the situation to escalate because you picked up some triggering words, I think next time listen and allow her the opportunity to find her words and speak. I know you are very articulate and can express your feelings very well, however parents and mostly people considered "hard" find it difficult to express themselves in vulnerable situations. I wish you too all the best. This really touched my heart because I can see you really want to mend the situation and understand each other. Sorry for the long response. Sending lots of love and light❤️
You know what" parents are actually customers they feel that they always right"in nutshell the decisions you took about your entire life worked out for you ,personally am very proud of you 👏 🥰
Hi Nozi, This is my take on the matter. We need to acknowledge that our parents are still human, they may not be able to reason the way we do and they may not be at the level of spiritual growth that we may be on. I do acknowledge that some parents are toxic and they don't parent instead they judge. I think umama is still hurt of not traumatized by how you were infected. It is not easy for some parents to accept that their child has whatever disease. It could be anything really. I think what you need to do is pray over your relationship with your mother. You have a very strong personality and she also has a very strong character, over and above that, there is inkonzo yakhe and societal influences. I also think umama needs counseling and a lot of prayer and guidance from someone who is independent. You can't be involved in that journey as it is too close to home. I know how frustrating it is to deal with such and you can imagine how your social standing is dealing with her. Your exposure to us seems good and educational for us, but it can be demeaning to mama. I think she needs guidance and handling with soft gloves of some sort.
Ewe, and as a parent I've been in u mama's shoes and as a parent you think that you will be the first person your child comes to when they go through anything, and when your child go to someone else it hurt. You need to take her for counseling. Her watching that program and for it to take her back to your status means there are underlying factors.
She needs to move on and support her daughter. What is done is done. Whats the use of I told you, you should have done this and the other etc not helpful
@@veevictorius5116 in as much as that is true, we can't force one to see the way we do. Because Nozi is in a better head space, it's her responsibility to manage her mother and teach her mother how to handle her etc. She is old, she has lived so long, it's not as easy to adapt. They were raised differently, so we need to be gentle yet wise when dealing with our parents. Fighting them for not understanding will only make things worse. Above all else, I am a believer of prayer. Prayer works.
My parents are definitely not the first people I contact when I face a challenge. Your mom and mine are similar in their approach on matters. I am intentionally doing the opposite in raising my daughter and all other kids in my family. I believe that everyone deserves to be heard and everyone's feelings are valid.
I love your ability to introspect. You use your transparency with your life as such powerful teaching moments and I commend you for that. I resonated somewhat with your story here because even though I love my mom with my whole heart, we do not do difficult conversations well and she is not the first person I run to when in trouble. She is also feisty like how you describe your mom 😂. But one thing I have come to learn is that we have the luxury of resources that our parents didn't have, as they navigated a world incredibly brutal to them. We are lucky that we can name our pains...that we can confidently name things such as depression etc and seek out help without shame. They had to be everything for themselves, and for us and unfortunately they had to internalise a lot of their pains. They shout to feel heard, they clothe themselves in shame so that the world and others cannot use it to hurt them. These are unhealthy mechanisms, but they had to do the best with what they had at their disposal. I think your mom feels a bit responsible and guilty with your HIV status, but she doesn't have the words to gently relay it in a way that seems compassionate to you. You are both doing well, and just learning to navigate life together. May love be the catalyst that always brings you back to each other.
This is so true - especially the point that you made about us having the luxury of resources available to us. We have so much more knowledge and resources about our emotions, traumas and how to communicate them better which our parents never had and hence the struggle for them to articulate what they think and feel and also to understand where we come from.
I was raped and got infected with HIV, never told my mom about the rape but she found out the same day as me about my HIV status and I was 18 years at the time. It's been 7 years and we never had a conversation about how I am coping, HIV is like a non-existent thing in our house, at the same time I can't bring myself to sit her down. For a long time, I have been telling myself that perhaps it's because I have always been away from home, a very responsible and independent person that makes her less worried about how I am doing and doesn't see the need to ask. Maybe I am being dramatic and selfish, maybe she is still in denial and does not know how to engage me, maybe I need to give her more time but until when? I recently moved abroad for studies and was deeply hurt when she didn't ask how I was gonna get medications or even cope. I guess I shouldnt expect her to do what I can't get myself to do. I am making peace with her absence in this journey.
I'm sorry that you're on this journey alone and I understand that you'd love that she atleadt acknowledges that you're hiv positive and you know what? Maybe you're right maybe she is indenial maybe sue has not yet come to terms with it but I hope that you carry on carrying yourself the way you have may you carry on loving yourself and know that this is not to fault and you are a strong resilient woman and you are never alone we may be strangers but through our gender we are united and are family sending love and light to you
Iam sorry to hear about what you went through. I pray that your mom may learn to be supportive. I have come to the realisation that most of us come from households where we don't have deep conversation about life let alone the deep conversation about the hardships we all go thru in this life. Most times our families sweep the hard stuff under the rug,brush it off hoping that it would go away. This is due to many factors. I hope that we can be a generation of positive change agents who are intentional about having meaningful conversations with those close to us. Check up on each other. Ask these questions,how is your week going, what is good about your week? what is hard about your week?
Noz, all I can say: just take this with a lighter spirit; that ur mom understands the way u a, but on the same time, she’s still devastated as young u a. Remember that u a her Princess and love u do much, on the same time wishing u all the best
Hi Nozi, as you speaking I can sense that you are emotional, yet so brave. My mother is 66 years old and she once told me that ngexesha labo their parents were not telling them yonke into le like open up to any conversation nabantwana and as children were only expected to do as they were told & no questions asked. I think what she said to you what not her intention to use it against you more than it was her communication in trying to open up indirect with you in terms of how it made her feel by keeping it from from her for so long. So now she used what she can to open up with you and expressed her feelings and I think by talking to you about your status even if it was indirect, to me it sounds like she's healing. So don't take it personal or think she's using it against. She is your mother and will never have any reason to harm your feelings at all.
I think to a certain level you are being unfair (for lack of better word) to u Mama, like you said in the video, she wasn't really given time to process, not only your status but everything that comes with it for her as a parent, remember she was supposed to protect, guide and make sure you stay on the right path(not that you were not) so when this happened she must have felt like she had failed you, then on top of that she wasn't your first point of contact when you found out, that too must have felt like failure on her part because amsure every parent would like to believe that should anything happen, we will run to them. So watching that lady on tv brought that back ukuthi nami my daughter didn't feel safe enough to run to me. Maybe the way she said it was a bit offensive but maybe listen to the message behind the message. You are walking such a beautiful journey of healing, acceptance and inspiration but you left her behind, you now need to go back to the starting point with all the tools you have picked up along the way uyo landa uMama and help her along the way, without making it about you and your feelings. Love and Light
Couldn't agree More with this One ,You never gave your mum time to process whatever was going On ,So to some extent she has bottled up so much of how she feels and she needs an outlet ,Do therapy together i believe it will help and you will build a better mother daughter relationship...
This is very deep. What I find is that it is very difficult to move past the childhood trauma of not being afforded the opportunity to openly engage with our parents. Im dealing with a similar thing with my dad who was very strict during my childhood and the best thing that he did excelled in was instil discipline. we never had a real relationship outside of that. Now that I'm older and a man of my own we just can't seem to be able to find each other. I'm just glad that as the younger generation we have have the tools to do better to raise better human beings when God blesses us with our own children.
this level of "the other" and being able to role play and be in her shoes and ask yourself the questions you wish answer is out of this world. anadazi honestly andazi how you're doing this.
Nozi, when mothers get old they become kids. Please understand that she is fearing for your life. Our mothers don't understand HIV. I have a family member who is HIV and my mother never understood. So I appeal to you to be patient with her.👏
I think it's important to understand that the journey you had to walk as a person living with HIV, the people you open up to about your status have to walk that same journey as well. They have to receive the heavy news, process it, walk the acceptance journey, fight internal and external stigma, and then adapt and accept. Simply telling someone and leaving them to figure it out is insensitive. Either you are infected or affected and on whichever side you are, you walk the journey of acceptance. I'd say don't go to therapy alone, go with her or sign her up for therapy as well, about 5 sessions each will clear the fog for both of you. Honestly, you thinking of therapy is an indicator that she needs therapy too. Don't abandon her again to deal alone.
Dropping the title of a book I believe may be helpful towards healing. It is called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride.
What I've learnt and continue to learn is that our parents need so much grace and gentleness from us. I see how life has been tough to my parents and they struggle with seeing my siblings and I go through ubunzima of any kind because they still feel the need to shield us from any struggle and hardship, but they do not how to. I think we need to learn how to have conversations with them that will leave both parties feeling heard and hopefully understood, where we don't invalidate or make light of our own feelings, but we also acknowledge their fears and things they do not understand.
Hi sis Nozi. I would really encourage you to go with MMA for counselling please. My parents did it when my sis got infected. And remember she is affected too. You need an outsider to allow the conversation to happen. PLEASE sisi
One thing about you girl, you always brovoke emotions. I envy you for leaving your purpose...Love you always, how i wish i can have your guts because i have realised my purpose but i havent got guts to navigate around it.
Firstly I'd like to express my love for you Nozi...you inspire a lot of us. Secondly I can totally relate with the parent-child relationship. To this day I can never tell my mother anything because she uses my failures and challenges against me so I've since learnt to solve it or suffer in silence💔😢
Believe me Nozi.. I can relate.. I feel you more than you can think.... My mom is exactly like yours... And it's difficult to confide to her... We end up not telling her anything and it's painful
Hey Nozi, thank you for sharing your journey with your mom. This assured me that I am not the only black girl child who is facing such issues with her mother and I have been contemplating starting therapy next year. Will definitely do so. As you said that your mother has that "I am the parent" mentality, I think she felt dishonoured and betrayed perhaps when your status was disclosed right when she was trying to figure out what was happening herself. In addition, she had to answer to relatives, church members and so on. Honestly speaking I do not know the solution, but pray for wisdom and mom's heart so that when you get a mediator, it will be progressive. Will pray for you guys as well and you will definitely be a great and healed mom some day❤️❤️❤️
you weren't wrong. I have similar issues when it comes to my mom, but i have since realized she was a raised in a different time where children were seen and not heard which really has affected the kind of parents they become. I am also very strong willed and cannot just roll over as well as my siblings can so me and her have heard numerous conversations, sometimes she gets it but most times she doesn't. But strangely enough when she needs advice she knows to come to me and admittedly she said i have the kind of self awareness she yearned to have at my age. My advice would be, whatever you raise with her, do it in kindness even if her respond doesn't mirror the same kindness. Try not to raise your voice but voice your opinions and feelings, she will one day get it. Your feelings are valid!!! Also, therapy will help you! the one thing my therapist said to me "is parents are also human beings that tried to make the best of the foundations that they had". This he said after what seemed like a casual conversation about my parents and how they grew up (he's also spiritually gifted so he could point out details of their upbringing i had no idea of), i cried because for the first time i felt empathy where my usual response would be anger.
As parents most of us want to shelter our kids from all pain in this life but we know that despite our best efforts that is not always possible. We pray that when our children go thru hardships and pain in life we can always be their first refuge,a place where they will run to and find the support they need to face any difficulty. When we realize that we are not a refuge for our kids it hurts and we try to fix that Secondly dealing with a loved ones HIV status is not a one time event but a lifetime journey. Perhaps in her journey of dealing with everything. She is now at a point where she realized her short comings and she wants you to know what she is there for you whenever you go thru hardships she wants to support you from the beginning.
I grew up with a strong mom as well where we were seen as children but not heard. One day we sat down with my school's pastor talked through your issues and understand each others love languages. Since that day my mom's been my best friend for the past 13 years - it just took us setting time aside to understand each other. No matter what happens - she's your mom and she loves you so much.❤️
I love children who understand their parents. Mina ke I am not the one when it comes to my parents. When I don’t like something I don’t like it period.
I'm happy you raise this point I am also not have that relationship with my mother but one day when I'm mother I want my children to be free to me to speak their mind I really dnt want the relationship I have with my mother its so difficult...
Oh Nozi I had to listen to this twice. It just brought tears to my eyes. You are just describing my mom. She never listens to anyone, always right in everything and would rather self-correct than someone points out her mistakes. Even now in my late 30s it's hard to confide in her. Yes our parents were raised differently back then and to them it was the only right way of raising a child, not realizing shutting a voice of a child creates so much trauma and fear as an adult. Its hard to open up to our parents because they didn't create an easy and free environment to express your feelings. All we did was just to listen and keep quiet. Now we are raising ama2000 who are opinionated as hell and we have to groom and discipline at the same time make sure that their heard as a child. I think what you did by telling your mom at a later stage it was the best. The hardest part is we have to heal by ourselves the hurtful words that sometimes our parents throw at us. I'm so used to being reminded a out my past and what I did everytime I make a mistake. I'm raising my child differently and make sure I have a conversation with him instead of just being me talking.
This is soooo good Nozi. I really relate to the last 10 minutes. I was talking to my psychologist about my fear of falling in to the toxic trapping of my parent when I become a parent. I cried the whole session and mind you I didn't even feel like going to therapy that day kanti I'm going to unearth such huge things.
You and me both! I recently started therapy because I've gotten to the point where I'm seriously thinking about having children and I want to make sure that I don't pass on some of the stuff I went through with my parents to the next generation. We carry alot of generational stuff in our psyche and it's important to shed those harmful things that drive a vicious cycle of angry parents who hurt kids who grow into angry parents.
@@itsnjeri9687 That session really helped me. I faced the hurt dead in the eye. I cried and release that poison from my soul. I honestly feel more confident facing a life as a parent. I might not be perfect but I am confidently working on myself and can focus of being a great parent without fear and be a present parent. We must admit and be honest that facing a future of one's self being a parent will bring out your past trauma relating to your parent(s). What we must then do is go deal with it so that we minimize the chance of passing down the hurt.
I also related to that 10min specifically. 😥 it is very painful to see yourself being your parent version to your children ,knowing very well that it has landed you in a bad space yet you find yourself doing it. I need help so bad I'm just toxic to my children and I don't like it😭and worse I know I need help but don't know where to start since I cannot afford it
I just want to do better for my children's sake especially my daughter. I find myself doing exactly the things that my mom used to do and she's just 10 years
@@thulilekhumalo450 your self awareness is a huge step in the right direction. Whole you are not able to access therapy, I would suggest you start having honest conversations with your daughter where you try to tell her your worries and concerns about how your actions may hurt her. Try to avoid making excuses and being defensive. Just bare your soul and always try to do better. Also apologize when you catch yourself feeling like you are being toxic.
Try not to take it personally when mum tries to talk to you… she is mum and she probably grieves at times and her thoughts race at times and that is her way of coping talking to you about it…. Maybe her approach was wrong 😑 but next time just listen until she is done and say you right mum and I a sorry for putting you through this….. and then try discussing the positive side about your status and how God is using you…. Don’t get hurt when mum brings it up instead listen and tell her everything she said was right and thank her for all the support she has been able to give you each and everyday. When you hang up you then go and talk to God to heal her heart and your heart with the Holy Spirit that gives peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you for sharing Nozi you are truly a strong beautiful lady!
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, as you said that we were not raised like sitting down and talking to us and allowed to respond back. I grew up in the house where it was and stil is said that the grown up it right and you the child is wrong and its were it all ends. I pray that as the new generation of mom's and dad's we will change that and have open relationships with our childrean so that they will be able to come to us and talk no matter how hard that thing they are going through is. A child will not come if they know that this and that will be said and that same thing will be used against them. Thank you for sharing as always.
Moms can dominate conversations hey and it is hard so my heart goes out to you❤️. My mom was so strict I was scared to tell her I was pregnant even though I was already married 😂. But just my 2 cents … I think you need someone who is level headed to facilitate the conversation. It would be wonderful if that person is a therapist but it doesn’t have to be. It just needs to be someone who can be fair and whom she has some level of respect for. But before that conversation, go for therapy sessions to prepare yourself for it 🌼 sending you and her love and light 🥰❤️💕
Sorry Nozi ndicela ukuqala ngokuthi uxolo. At the same time I understand your mom. She was not fighting kodwa ebesazisa umntwana wakhe ukuba uzive njani xa ebebukele lo interview and what came to her mind, ebalisela wena mntwana wakhe encokola nawe not the third person. Ebengaqondanga kuvisa wena kabuhlungu and I'm sure she is very disappointed and hurting ngenxa ye misunderstanding. But ke andiyazi, try not to put your mum in a certain box or category, try not define her nge past otherwise you will never enjoy your daughter mom relationship.
Your mother is my dad, not listening to anyone, ressurecting old mistakes, never opening room to hear anyone. My advise, MAKE PEACE WITH WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE including how our parents are, it is hard but worth it because if you do not make peace you will always long for something that deeeep down you know will slightly NEVER happen. I am you on the RAISING VOICE scenario, it's hard Nozi, homes are not the same but ezinye izinto we have to make peace with for the sake of our sanity. I LOOOOOVE YOU and you are not alone.
Hi Nozi, thank you for sharing with us, always. Well firstly, I think it is a good thing that you are able to speak and voice out your feelings to your mom. In this situation I think just allow her to be her and be patient with her, not allowing anything to get to you. In my view, I think that you are living your life in a way that you see fit and it is okay that some people involved in your life are not happy even if it is your parents for as long as your journey is fulfilling and satisfactory, continue to journey. In most cases, people we love tend to be unhappy about our choices not because they are not good for us but because of their beliefs or those of their communities and therefore they project that on us. Regarding the toxic traits you might have adopted from your mom, it actually is a good thing that you are aware of them and that is the first step of unlearning and doing better for as long as you will try to avoid it and constantly remind yourself not to let it have a control over you.
Oh Nozi ❤️ sending you lots of love. Don’t be so hard on yourself and your mother. You two will eventually have the hard conversations at the right time and understand where the other is coming from. 🌺 it’s a journey
sisi mna ndizokxelela inyani engafunwayo uthethwa phandla'apha, particularly kuthi bantu abamnyama. Abazali bethu can be sooo hurtful to us and so toxic, in some cases emotionally abusive. Things that we would never take in other relationships sis Nozi. But they do that because we give them power to do so. Sithetha sithethe sime ngento ethi "ekugqibeleni ngumama wakho". yabona ke loo saying, iyandiphambhanisa!! Because it eliminates any responsibility from them, njengakule meko yakho yoba uzibuze "was I insensitive..". Nozi oyena mntu obe insensitive apha ngumamakho. She knows better because she's older and has had more life experience. And yet uzibona inguwe i"adult" in the situation trying to reason with ibetrayal embi kangaka. Truth is your mom betrayed your trust and as a result ngoku kuzoba nzima for you to go to her xa kuphinde kwakho isehlo esibuhlungu kuwe.
I feel so heard from this video I think you should get a mediator and also try to see things from her point of view because that would make you understand her a bit more honey we love you hope you get answers soon Thank you for this video seems like we all have such issues with our parents but we know you will get through it with grace♥️♥️
My advise dear would be to speak to Skhu to speak to her in your presence. My Mum used to be difficult to comminicate with but I managed to penetrate through to her and now she listens but sometimes she would rub what you shared with her to your face and as she is growing I don't share my things with her now.
Ooh Nozi I'm so sorry your mom made you feel that way. But having listened to the story I totally agree with the person who said you left your mom behind. The honest truth is that there's no love like a mother's love for her child. Your moms reaction probably comes from that she's hurt so much and just scared for you, HIV has changed so much over the years and most of our parents don't know that. If you're not in a position to educate her, maybe find her someone who can.She probably also blames herself as a mother and her bringing that up could be just a hint that she might be ready to talk.
Hello Nozi. Yooh! to be honest, my parents are the last people I'll go to, to let them know about any sort of challenge I'm facing, it's not only my parents but my siblings as well and the reason is very much obvious, in times of a disagreements or misunderstandings they'll use what you told them to sort of hurt or insult you, so I'd rather suffer in silence. Also, I've also realized that growing up I used to cry a lot because I was NEVER given an opportunity to be heard, my side of the story didn't matter and the only way to get my point across was shouting. 😔 ey! this brings tears to my eyes.
I hardly confide to my mom, infact now as we speak we are not in good speaking terms,but I'm blessed to have my sister ,she is bit far from me but I rather wake her up at 2am and speak to her,and I'm glad her boys also found that in me, some parents are very toxic ,😰
Yhooo I just listened to this and it made me feel some kind of way bcoz this is me and my mother. And ke mna I am a go to child whenever my mother is facing any intervention whether financial or other thing but at the same time I am the one who always got into trouble bcoz of what I said or how I said. And will always have to defend myself in an improper way or different from how my siblings would deal. So andinacebiso lakho cc its work ndikulinto ngoku everyday. And ndiyafana nomama she is fearless akhomntu endinothi lona angamthobela to the end nooo akekho. Uxelela umntu Indaba zakhe qhiba amthande hayi Kuba ezisola ha a. Uyikhuphile eyakhe esifubeni sakhe kodwa akakucaphukeli qha mazi ukuba umephi at all cost sensitive or not oooh Thixo. Ndave ndarelater from beginning end 😭😭😭😭
My 2 cents for you sis Nozi is to pray about it, give it to God and he will show you how to have this conversation with mama. he will open doors that you didn't know needed opening. I feel like your pain is still palpable from this video, cry about it sis it will ease the burden a little but ultimately take it to God
in all honesty, my parents are my support system. through thick and thin💯 they allowed us to have a voice on important matters even as kids. we were never silenced. i'm grateful for having them in my life. ❤
Nozi you sound so hurt...beneath all the words that you spoke.both you and umama needs healing.maybe she felt like you did not even give her a chance to process everything before you put it on youtube...you should ask her...and apologize..if she was hurt by it...I suggest you fast and and pray for guidance before opening up the convo again.I sense that it is still a sore spot for umama.
A journey like this needs support. I think you found your support in God and Skhu. It sounds like she didn't have the same support and had to come to terms with this on her own
Hey Noz 😘 I fully understand what you are saying cc and i know its also hard so my advice to you is try to speak to her uve ukuba undawoni ngk in terms of her healing because ngendlela endibona ngayo shes feels like she failed you as a parent kwaba ungakwazi ukuthetha naye for iminyaka ngento ekwehleleyo and uzokwazi nha ukumthemba umxelele xa unokwehlelwa yenye into empilweni yakho but yibeke ecaleni leyo coz you did what you had to do to go through your own journey now try to seat her down and let her be no matter ubize brother wakho so that akhuphe lonke igombonxa elisentlizweni yakhe coz shes been bottling up lonke elixesha ezibuza imibuzo engaphendulekiyo so try to give her the platform to express herself so that she can also heal and its not gonna be an overnight thing but be patient with her cc i know its not gonna be easy kwakuwe but ask God to guide you😍😍
When you feel mentally and emotionally ready you should try and sit down and have a conversation with her...and tell her how the things she said made you feel. She may also open up on some things you were not aware of. I don’t think you were insensitive sis, you are the only one who knows how it feels like being HIV+....our loved ones need to teach themselves on how they can approach this issue. I love my mom so much but I’ll never confide in her...I tried having a conversation with her, telling her that I understand why some people default on their medication...she shouted at me so much and her last words just broke my heart
I think I understand both you and your mom. The mistake she made on her side was not addressing the matter with sensitivity which resulted in you being affected the way you were, but her main point was to try show you how you are not open with her about the matter. The approach, like you say, could be coming from a place of not knowing how to approach matters, which end up with her not seeing any problem with it because her focus is on the way you kept quiet for long. I remember, we found out about my sister's status through the severe symptoms she showed, and the question my mom has to this day is why she kept quiet for that long. That maybe she could have gotten the support she needed earlier. Your reasons of keeping it for long, probably similar to hers, are valid. Luckily, you are in good health and still going strong❤️. From what I get from my mom's reaction, parents want to be the first point of contact regarding issues of this kind, and believe me, our assumptions of their reactions based on what we know of them is not really what comes out when we tell them about such. Their parent element comes out and they do all they can to support, even though at times out of shock they may say things that lead us to being afraid of being open to them. She could have handled it better by being more sensitive, but she's trying to let you know how she was/is affected by you keeping it from her. Be patient with her and in the process let her know how her approach hurt you❤️
Your Mother is so much like your mother and I am so much like you, I relate so much with you because I am raising 2 boys and I see so much of my mother in me it hurts. I never want my kids to feel how I felt about my mother growing up,problem is I don't know how to be. Sometimes I feel like I am a bad mother and sometimes I feel so scared of losing them that I want to let go of them before they let go of me. There are times when I sense that they are going to hurt me that I either want to run away from the pain(like I do with every romantic relationship)before it arrives OR I hurt them before they hurt me. I have been rejected so many times in my life that I don't know how to see and feel love,at times I feel it is best to be alone. I give the excuse that I operate better on my own and most of the time it not true, life is difficult and it is even hard knowing you are on your own. People come and go in my life,from my father,my mother,my cousins, my friends, my colleagues, my husbandS and my boyfriendS. No matter how much "good" I am to them,they always find a reason not to choose me. I am always an option,I am what they pick when they are of no options until new choices arise and they leave. I am so used to that, that sometimes I feel like I am losing my breath when my sons are with me,I am scared to show them love because at the back of my mind I have to prepare for them leaving me and not loving me. I am doing my sessions again with a psychologist(though last week's session was not a good one,my psychologist had a stand in and let's just say I didn't feel it). I try to reach out or be a bit open but still I go back to "safety place" more often than I would like. I hope one day I can be able to be proud of myself in raising good citizens. Thank you cc.....God bless you
Eish sis Nozie I can relate somehow on how your mom responds , our parents when we tell them how we feel they think we are being rude or something ibanzima kakhulu more special when ungakhulelanga phambi kwakhe me and my mom we don't have that relationship where I can vent how I feel but yena she will tell me how she feels and I have to accept that without saying no I don't agree with her so I think our parents need to be educated about the how much they couse kuthi😥 and that feels toxic because now kubakhona la gap between you and your mom niphele ningathethisani like before, so sad
I do go to my Mom first. But it's been a process because I stopped shielding her emotionally from me. We have never had the best relationship but I stopped following the toxicity of emotionally shutting down. It was awkward at 1st for a few years and we fought a lot, but what has happened is that over time she has softened and we now have more of a friendly closeness.
I share the exact sentiments I tested positive for Covid July she broke down she barely ate I expected her to be strong for me , so for her health reasons i would delay telling her anything serious that affects my health.
I'm in tears just by listening to the reality, I wish your mother can listen to this video, maybe she can identify the pain u have n maybe she will sit with u down n explain to u why she is like that n tell u that, she has got ur back n she loves u unconditional. I love you guys,I love your inspiration, I love your transformation, the strength u draw from heaven. May the good gracious Lord be with u guys, you n ur husband, protect and guide you in everything you do. Keep well n keep strong.
Cha bandla, our mothers all graduated from the same school of parental communication. 😂🤣 I think given that you said you guys had never had the conversation where it centred around how uMa was dealing with things, is there a chance that her raising it the way she did was her attempt to share some of that with you? I don't think your initial feelings were wrong because the point came out of left field so you weren't able to prepare yourself into the mode where you were listening to uMa and her feelings. And to recognize that those feelings aren't necessarily a narrative on you. But again, being caught unaware I think your feelings were understandable. Maybe uMa might not go to counselling with you but I think it would still be worth it for you to go yourself and get some guidance in when and how to have this convo in a way that honors both your mutual feelings as well as being pragmatic to deal with the issue and not just the emotions surrounding the issue.
Shuuuu!!Mother's neh. I always miss and think of my dad if he was still alive our lives would have been better, but I thank God for being able learn and speak up whenever my mom say words that makes me uncomfortable and that made us to be able to have conversation without hurting each other cause I learned to understand what kind of person she is and she will never attend therapy as she doesn't realise that she's damaging me and our relationship, also to realised that indeed I am like her or have her personality as my siblings and my daughter would say. But the difference is that I learned to be different from her in terms of laying foundation of being open to my daughter and the kids that I have raised also be an easy mom, sister, aunt and etc mostly in using the words like "I thought you were smart enough to know 1,2 & 3" or "I told you so look now" and making comparisons or an examples which are the things words our mother always using against. What I can therapy has help me to understand my mom and accept her as she is but set boundaries when it comes to my feelings also work hard to to be a better person than her as we have similarities....so darling please go back to your therapist and be honest with yourself and your feelings with everything 🤗🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hi Noz😘... Firstly uFezi akho kwa TV ebeybukele, but I feel yhinto ebekukudala efuna ukuythetha, qha indlela aybeke ngayo, ibimbi, honestly Hai uybeke kakbi. In my opinion I think she should've have used the TV story to start the issue, but Instead of saying "wena wayolala ngaphandle kwe Condom" she could've asked, Nozi Mntanam kwakuyinton eyayinzima ekuthetheni Nam njenga Mzali, because as you are telling the story, according to my understanding wena Nala mntana wase TV ak'lulanga to speak to parents about certain issues... I think she needs a heart to heart Conversation with you about the issue, ibengathi it's the first time eyiva, umxelele, allow her to speak her heart and ask her how she feels. I feel she's very soft okanye unayo indawo yokuzithoba when it comes to Ta Skhu, have him part of the conversation kwenzelba emotions zingazuthatha over. It cannot be done over night, Pray about it mntase, ndiyakuva nalapho kwi video you're a bit emotional, and it's natural I felt it when you mentioned how she instigated the whole issue, ndizive ndisithi Yoh Abazali💔. Calm down, pray about it and speak about it, because clearly ikhona into emtyayo ngalemeko. Sorry for commenting in Xhosa but I express myself better Guyzini❤️ Uberyt Nozi💓💓💓
Hey Nozi, I would like to believe that mommy’s intention was not to use your status against you. You must understand that as parents we feel the pain of our children and we would like to believe that should our children get into any trouble in life, they would come back running into us. And when this didn’t happen for her, she got hurt. The program she was watching, triggered unresolved feelings or emotions. The sad thing is that when we have unresolved feelings, they manifest themselves in not so pleasant manner. I think mommy was or is still is disappointed with you for not trusting her, to be there for you, to understand, to be a parent you needed at the time. Having said all this, you know mommy best and I think we need to exercise patience. You can start by sending her a message and tell her all the things you were shouting down in that conversation you both had.Tell her you will call and ask her to listen not to answer, ask nicely if she could let you speak all you wanted to say.❤️🥰
Not me being her mom 🌚 She sounds exactly like me,I’m a nightmare and a dream come true.I had an ex who wrote me a letter to tell me about something that was a huge deal between us,living with the words for a while gave me the opportunity to digest them before reacting.Hope that helps x
🤣 🤣 🤣 I liked this. Pray that you don't have a girl child cz she is gonna challenge you exactly the same way you challenge your mom, and you would wish to use your mom's raising tactics, but it won't work... M speaking from experience. My mum was stubborn, I am stubborn too, though not intentionally, but simply cz i want her to hear me.... But it just won't happen. Now I'm scared of my daughter lol... She is growing and m not ready lol
Hi there, this is a very interesting conversation you are opening up here, my parents are very good parents, raised me well, loving in their own way but even so, there has been a situation that I got myself into and not even my mother was an option to run to and open up. The reason for dat was that I just didn't want to hurt / disappoint them...secondly it would feel so uncomfortable to talk about feelings, it's just too difficult to go there with my parents.
Wooow I understand where you were, where you are luckily you can still go back and do CORRECTIONS. Our parents don't make it easy for us especially moms, parents don't talk to us but they tell us what to do, feel, act etc it's really not easy for anyone strruuu.
Nozi ndicinguba khawuziphe I thuba uthethe naye u mama u Fezi umbuze uba waye waziva njani ngelaxesha wawumxelela nge status sakho. Umyeke umphe ithuba loba athethe ngendlela aziva ngayo, unga ngeneleli umamele nje qha noba uyaziva uba ufuna uphendula just listen to her and don't interrupt. I think ingaba sisiqalo eso.
Nozi, I think your mom has been bottling this hurt in her for long and just did not know and still doesn't know how to address it directly to you. She's hurt that as your mother, she found out about your status almost the same time as the rest of the world, she feels that she has failed you in some way and also feels offended and left out. She has just had to go along and take everything as it comes. You were not wrong for being defensive and offended, however the conversation needs to happen in a different setting and face to face most probably. It needs to be an honest talk from both sides because at the end of the day she has your best interest at heart just like you had your reservations but wanted to protect her in the process. I wish you the best.
Hello Nozi❤I honestly think you need to take it easy when it comes to your mom in particular, moms are very fragile, especially for the fact that you know very well what kind of person she is. Irrespective of the fact that you and her have very strong personalities, you need to bear in mind who the parent is here, and respect it wholeheartedly. Dear I feel that you never gave her a chance to deal with the issue of your status before going public. That was wrong of you, clearly it hurt her feelings and those feelings remains unresolved no matter how much you have changed other people's lives, remember hers was suppose to take first priority. In other words it was totally wrong of you to go public in the manner in which you did, before having her deal with the situation, that was very important to her. The calls she received from relatives regarding your status clearly shredded her apart. I dont even believe she was ready for that "coming home interview" what you did my dear was highly inconsiderate to her. She is your mother and she loves you dearly and trust me she will never use your status issue against you, she is hurting Nozi, this issue is eating her hense the reaction..
she is now ready to talk to you about the whole situation, give her a chance let her vent, let her shout at you if needs be its ohkay.. you need to let her deal with this the best way she knows how, and after all of that. The two of you will be just fine. Listen to her without chipping in ask for forgiveness for how you blew the whole thing out of proportion, she will understand and she will forgive. Be her child as big as you are and as married as you are, because to her you will always be her little girl. Help her heal this wound inside her by just calming down and listening to her. And lastly do go see a therapist soon.. lots of Love sweetheart❤
@@nads2144 I do definitely agree with the fact the mother probably did not get a chance to deal with the situation and it did affect her. But we also need to consider Nozi's position. Does Nozi have to apologize for the fact that she (Nozi) was able to accept and overcome her own status or Nozi has to apologize for the fact that her mother did not form a relationship with Nozi that will afford Nozi the platform to be able to communicate with her mother about the challenges she has gone through and or her status? Why does it have to be Nozi who has to be considerate to her mother is it because of the fact that she has managed to accept and live with her status? Who would have the responsibility of apologizing if Nozi was not in a position where she has managed to be comfortable and accepting of her status? In all regards yes the mother needs to also deal with this but if I was the mother I would really feel bad for the fact that my daughter did not come to me at the first instance she faced a challenge. It's something that should have sparked a sense of reflection and introspection as a mother and try to reach out to make means for communication. It's really unfair that we go through situations and try to survive those situations and on top of that now we have to apologize for going through those situations as if we asked to be in those situations. I highly support your recommendation of a therapist.
I think through the whole ordeal your mother tried to put on a brave face for you. Yet on some level she feels like she failed you in some way. And maybe that move she watched with that girl reminded her of you feeling lost and alone and believe me mother's love to be our human shield always trying to protect us from this evil world. She's hurt that you could not confide in her, but I don't blame you because you were trying to protect her. I think the two of you need to sit down and chat about it maybe the both of you swept it under the carpet bcz it was a sore subject to deal wid. On the bright side I want to tell you that you are such a brave person to come out and share your story. You inspire me as a woman and I know you have touched many wid your story. I hope my advice will help you. Good luck.
Unrelated: so at in my last year of varsity I fell pregnant with my second child, out of fear or whatever I didn't tell my mom, she found out from someone else 2 Weeks before my due date. Mind you I'm my mom an I are very tight; we talk about everything an anything but fir some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I didn't want to disappoint her an all. Being a good mom that she is she called to confirm if its true an that was it, she packed her things to come be with me. An before I got a job she had to help raise an support my kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we sometimes think we are the only one's who are dealing with that situation and don't stop to realize that there are other people in our life's who have to carry that burden too.
The mediator has fo be Skhu because she trusts and loves him. It wont ne easy for her to confide with the stranger. It shows she is still hurting not in a way of being judmental she feels she has failed you for not having a chance ro tell you about how to do things as a gir. Please do
*Bigbearhugstoyou* I can relate, my mother is exactly as yours, so much so that when I started my periods at age 11years I hid it for 2-3years, until my sister saw me. Over 23 years later, I still can't speak to her about anything and it's sad.
I’m not sure about the “…both be heard” statement, it’s really sad hey because black families are just living, toxicity builds up to a point where there’s no going back everyone is just defensive or if there’s a person to pin everything on bayinikela kuwe. I really don’t have any advice yazi, I feel really sad to see you hurting like this 💔 parents are usually toxic and you didn’t do anything wrong she should’ve dealt with her feelings in a more polite way.
My opinion is that mom has not really dealt with it yes she has come to terms with it but dealing with it emotionally is completely different and one thing we need to realise with parents is that when such things happen to their kids or when a child falls pregnant still young the first thing that comes to their minds is that "where did I go wrong" or " what could I have done differently" yes they know they taught us well but there will always be that self blame they have each time something bad happens to us or we do something stupid remember their first intuition is to protect us, now coming to the fact that she brought up the fact that you didn't confide in her she may not say it but she too had to do an introspection I terms of the barrier that was between that led you to not have confidence enough to emmediately run to her for support of something so life changing so I personally feel that you both need to sit down and talk and cry and be open you'd be surprised how much you'd discover but don't do it in an environment where it will feel forced you know she might feel attacked in a therapy session or like she's forced as you mentioned it's not something she would consider so try going on a weekend away just the two of you in a calm setting and talk about how you feel about this but at the same time allow her to also openly express hers because yes YOU are the one living with HIV daily each time you take your pill you are reminded that you have this virus I you and I know that's not easy that's the hardest thing ever but remember this affects her as well she's also had to adapt and like you said you did not give her the time to deal with it she had no time to adapt by herself but instead circumstances forced her to accept the reality of what what happening and in as much as the journey had to happen the way it did and you coming out when you did was good for you and your purpose but it also then forced her to suppress how she felt it forced her to get on with the programme and move on so I really thing you both haven't dealt with this fully and the mere fact that her statement hurt you is because deep down you know you never gave her or both of you the chance to deal with it together I wish you both the very best and I hope you finds healing and answers and know this your longer loves you more than anything and you love her too so in the midst of this journey let love take over
Eeey this is a sensitive topic, i can relate to what you are going through, i actually realise that iam struggling to have a solid relationship with my daughter, i think simple because i dont remember when i was young speaking to my mum, it was all a matter of being scolded or being told how it should be, my mum is a lovely person, now that iam old we have a good relationship but i know there is a gap. I think your mum feels like she has failed or she might also be going through the giant struggle of not knowing how to effectively communicate with you, and you having her personality is not a walk in the park she knows the struggle but its not too late, iam also actually going to go for therapy soon because i know iam the one struggling because my daughter is always telling me how much i mean to her and i fail to respond because i somehow dont know how. 😢
In this situation, I think both of you were triggered. In watching the show, I believe she saw herself in the mom that could not be confided in. That’s why she asked you that question. I guess she was trying to confirm the “condemnation” she was placing on herself in that moment. And in speaking about it, you got triggered too, cos she is in fact the mother you weren’t comfortable sharing your HIV status with. And that’s why both of you were so defensive. She used that example because there is probably no other one that weighed as much, that probably communicated to her that you don’t trust her with sensitive matters (and this is a gross exaggeration, because you probably confide in her about a number of important things) I also don’t believe she has fully come to terms with you having told her after so many years. She probably judges herself as a mom because you couldn’t come to her the moment you found out. And maybe that is the bigger conversation to have. Disclosing the reasons why you chose not to tell her.
Your home sounds more like mine🥺 and I'm you believe me. However what has helped thus far is to try and be the person I would like my parents to be, hasn't been easy but we can atleast hear each other, rather than one sided conversations. It took almost forever though😭🙆♀️ but I'm greatful I tried, today my mom listens, she asks "mntanam uziva njani", my dad too. Firstly I had to forgive myself for being so insensitive and the pressure I put on them growing up, I came to realize that they grew up in a different era, like it or not it's all they know and been exposed too, "as umntwana you just listen and not ask questions". I had to heal, forgive myself and forgive them, then I reached out and apologized to them. I must say I'm still awe of what God has been doing kwelakhaya, the amount of respect I get from my parents especially my dad. I try and put myself in their shoes, see things through their eyes, then think of the possible actions I'd take had I been in their shoes. It's not an easy journey but I can confidently say they have my back and are at a possition where they now understand ukuthi I'm not them, and they're happy when I am😊 by the way my HIV status was one of hardest to deal with babecingba ndiyafa especially bcos I told them over the phone while in hospital, just a few minutes after I found out I called my mom and dropped the bomb just like that.
Mama is sad that you were not able to tell her about your status, even though it's caused by type of relationship you have with her but it kills her and she doesn't want it to happen again. She does not know how to address issues in a way that will not be offensive. I say teach her how to be a better parent in terms of communication. e.g "Mama I would have appreciated if you sat me down, tell me about the show you were watching and how it made you think of my situation. Express to me how it made you feel and how we can move on" Nozi this will give you a chance to make Mama aware of her flaws(respectfully) and how she can improve. Her not listening to anyone and throwing punches might be due to her childhood experiences. She may have been treated this way and she got accustomed to it. Forgive her, she needs help also.
How about a trusted family member with Skhu? It’s going to be hard no matter what especially because it’s going to take you really humbling yourself on your mistake. You are human, And you made a mistake. You are using your story for So much good eish. I know I don’t like to hear of what I have done wrong- I would just rather move on from it all but I order to heal And repair this important relationship, you will have to sit and listen to her And how SHE feels. It will be hard. All The best!
My relationship with her is similar to yours Nozi and your mom and I have given up trying because it's just not changing, she is just getting worse as she grows. I have a best friend though that I always talk to.
Eish Nozi sadly the way we where raised sadly affects us when we become parents because we tend to want to be controlling and not being able to give our kids the platform. I relate very much to you when it comes to our moms till this day, kusafuneka ndigudle udonga when there's something I want to tell my mom. Yes they are very supportive I won't lie but my journey has taught me the necessity of this relationship. But your story on Sat touched so many mothers 😭😭 honestly allow to be a bit hypocritical and say PLEASE UNDERSTAND MOMMY AND LET HER BE. 🤗🤗🙈🙈
Parents also have a problem of entitlement, Children grow up and make certain decisions that will either help them grow or set them back but such is life. Her point is you should've known BETTER , but she must also appreciate that you learnt other valuable lessons through those challenges. And you came out a BETTER person. Parents don't understand when you embrace your failures, to them it seems like lack of accountability. You are an adult now she must be able to detach her self when it comes to your decisions and know that she did her best to raise you but now she can only advise you going forward because you are a grown women.
I reprimand myself every day when I see myself shouting cz that's my mom n I don't want that part of her..eish I can relate..I'm so trying to change many things towards my daughter..my mom was great but I don't want to enherit everything from her obviously
The 50s and above Generation is difficult to deal with they are always right, do not spend a lot of your time arguing with them your feelings will be hurt.
Ur mom sounds mine shame🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Am close to her BUT I dnt tell her my struggles becouse of the same reasons, next thing I'll get a random SMS and my issue oh when we have a disagreement she will deffinantly throw that on my face sooo nooooo
Nozi I think uMama may have some hurt regarding your relationship and where she stands. I don't think it's personal or about u . I recently had a scenario where a friend came out as queer to me and I found out I was the last to find out amongst the friends, and it was because he feared losing the friendship and it hurt me a lot because I have always hoped that people close to me know that I place the person above everyone else. It sounds to me as if uMama is saddened that she wasn't the 1st person u came to, and perhaps that makes her feel as tho she has somehow failed u as a parent. And bcoz our parents are not raised to communicate well, it may have come out passive aggressively. This is not to judge either of u because I fully understand your side; I'm just trying to provide a different context. I think being offended was her being reactionary but I think she has fully accepted your status - especially since u have gotten married (u know our mothers nomshado 😂). But what I know is u guys love each other and that's all that matters.
A big part of your mom's heart is sore that you couldn't straight up come to her and she knows that she is the reason you couldn't confide in her but how does she acknowledge that...she's also in turmoil about a whole lot...parenting is tough guys there are things that we don't even want to admit to ourselves let alone be vulnerable to our kids
I don't have a relationship with my mom she was always bringing me down my whole life. I was the scapegoat of my family I been on a healing journey alone for 2 years. Found out she is a Narcissist the only way to get peace from these toxic parents is no contact ask your therapist about Narcissistic mothers their main is to hurt their daughters they are so jealous of their kids. Their aim is always to hurt us with their words.
I'll try and summarize the best way I can.
To be honest, there's a part of me that purposely avoided these conversations with her. I didn't want to have the "I told you" conversation.
See, I know she was right. I shouldn't have found myself in that position in the first place.
Or, as she says, I should have placed protective measures in place.
And because I know she was right, I'm embarrassed.
I don't know what to do.
Come to think of it, I don't even think I have ever apologized to her either. I've never said sorry for what she had to go through, and possibly STILL needs to go through.
Secondly, someone pointed out something. "I think you left her behind. You need to go back to the beginning and carry her with you".
This is true.
See, I didn't think the journey needed her approval. There's a part of me that still thinks that. I'm sorry if I come across as selfish. The reason I'm saying this is because I think the cause was bigger than both of us combined. It was bigger than our own feelings. I didn't start knowing where the journey would lead me. I was taking a chance. I was hopeful, but it was a gamble. But with regards to leaving her behind, I fully agree.
Lastly, I think I'm generally hard on parents. I'm going to be very honest. I don't subscribe to the notion that we should accept what is being said to us because our parents are old and they may not know better. I still need deliverance with this. I struggle with it a lot. I generally want to believe that, given a chance, there is always an opportunity for us to sit and be open about how we feel. That's how we become better.
Man - there's a lot to reflect on. Ndingabhala kuse.
Everyone makes mistakes. That was just a mistake like the many others humans make. I don't feel it's fair for her to keep saying I was right. Or anything close to that since as long as we are on earth, we all keep making different mistakes
Fix this sis, it's only worth it. You are still young you can bear the pain. But please take it away from her, our parents dont have space for pain it destroys them. Do the right thing...
@@nads2144 Please know that I am also hurting. I live with the virus every day.
@@NozibeleQamngana I understand my dear and God will help carry you through all the way. You are so beautiful, successful and intelligent and you are still you remember that❤
Hi🥳 we are the same complexion
What foundation do you use?
Hey Nozi, from how I see it, it seems your mother may also be finding it challenging too to get to a place where she can have an honest conversation with you as well. I've noticed with my father as he is also the same personality type, someone who hardly listens to anyone and is perceived as strong and hard, and finds it difficult to be vulnerable. However, from what you've explained about the way she just bought the topic up out of the blue, I don't think that's the case, I think this is something that has been on her heart for a while. She has probably found it difficult to express her feelings about finding out about something so big in your life through 3rd parties and not from you. Perhaps she feels like as a mother she hasn't created an environment that felt safe for you to feel comfortable enough to express yourself to her and it may be eating her inside.
You seem like a very intuitive person, and I would suggest perhaps understanding your mother's communication style, instead of taking offense immediately and allowing the situation to escalate because you picked up some triggering words, I think next time listen and allow her the opportunity to find her words and speak.
I know you are very articulate and can express your feelings very well, however parents and mostly people considered "hard" find it difficult to express themselves in vulnerable situations.
I wish you too all the best. This really touched my heart because I can see you really want to mend the situation and understand each other. Sorry for the long response. Sending lots of love and light❤️
This comment captured my heart. A mouthful, thank you.
You know what" parents are actually customers they feel that they always right"in nutshell the decisions you took about your entire life worked out for you ,personally am very proud of you 👏 🥰
Hi Nozi,
This is my take on the matter. We need to acknowledge that our parents are still human, they may not be able to reason the way we do and they may not be at the level of spiritual growth that we may be on.
I do acknowledge that some parents are toxic and they don't parent instead they judge.
I think umama is still hurt of not traumatized by how you were infected. It is not easy for some parents to accept that their child has whatever disease. It could be anything really.
I think what you need to do is pray over your relationship with your mother. You have a very strong personality and she also has a very strong character, over and above that, there is inkonzo yakhe and societal influences.
I also think umama needs counseling and a lot of prayer and guidance from someone who is independent.
You can't be involved in that journey as it is too close to home.
I know how frustrating it is to deal with such and you can imagine how your social standing is dealing with her.
Your exposure to us seems good and educational for us, but it can be demeaning to mama. I think she needs guidance and handling with soft gloves of some sort.
Ewe, and as a parent I've been in u mama's shoes and as a parent you think that you will be the first person your child comes to when they go through anything, and when your child go to someone else it hurt. You need to take her for counseling. Her watching that program and for it to take her back to your status means there are underlying factors.
She needs to move on and support her daughter. What is done is done. Whats the use of I told you, you should have done this and the other etc not helpful
@@veevictorius5116 in as much as that is true, we can't force one to see the way we do. Because Nozi is in a better head space, it's her responsibility to manage her mother and teach her mother how to handle her etc.
She is old, she has lived so long, it's not as easy to adapt. They were raised differently, so we need to be gentle yet wise when dealing with our parents.
Fighting them for not understanding will only make things worse.
Above all else, I am a believer of prayer. Prayer works.
My parents are definitely not the first people I contact when I face a challenge. Your mom and mine are similar in their approach on matters. I am intentionally doing the opposite in raising my daughter and all other kids in my family. I believe that everyone deserves to be heard and everyone's feelings are valid.
I love your ability to introspect. You use your transparency with your life as such powerful teaching moments and I commend you for that. I resonated somewhat with your story here because even though I love my mom with my whole heart, we do not do difficult conversations well and she is not the first person I run to when in trouble. She is also feisty like how you describe your mom 😂. But one thing I have come to learn is that we have the luxury of resources that our parents didn't have, as they navigated a world incredibly brutal to them. We are lucky that we can name our pains...that we can confidently name things such as depression etc and seek out help without shame. They had to be everything for themselves, and for us and unfortunately they had to internalise a lot of their pains. They shout to feel heard, they clothe themselves in shame so that the world and others cannot use it to hurt them. These are unhealthy mechanisms, but they had to do the best with what they had at their disposal. I think your mom feels a bit responsible and guilty with your HIV status, but she doesn't have the words to gently relay it in a way that seems compassionate to you. You are both doing well, and just learning to navigate life together. May love be the catalyst that always brings you back to each other.
Very mouthful
This is so true - especially the point that you made about us having the luxury of resources available to us. We have so much more knowledge and resources about our emotions, traumas and how to communicate them better which our parents never had and hence the struggle for them to articulate what they think and feel and also to understand where we come from.
Amen cc wayibeka yacaca yhuu ngoba i understand umama ka Nozi nam at the same time i understand Nozi too
I was raped and got infected with HIV, never told my mom about the rape but she found out the same day as me about my HIV status and I was 18 years at the time. It's been 7 years and we never had a conversation about how I am coping, HIV is like a non-existent thing in our house, at the same time I can't bring myself to sit her down. For a long time, I have been telling myself that perhaps it's because I have always been away from home, a very responsible and independent person that makes her less worried about how I am doing and doesn't see the need to ask. Maybe I am being dramatic and selfish, maybe she is still in denial and does not know how to engage me, maybe I need to give her more time but until when? I recently moved abroad for studies and was deeply hurt when she didn't ask how I was gonna get medications or even cope. I guess I shouldnt expect her to do what I can't get myself to do. I am making peace with her absence in this journey.
🌼🌼🌼
Sending you some hugs n 😍
I'm sorry that you're on this journey alone and I understand that you'd love that she atleadt acknowledges that you're hiv positive and you know what? Maybe you're right maybe she is indenial maybe sue has not yet come to terms with it but I hope that you carry on carrying yourself the way you have may you carry on loving yourself and know that this is not to fault and you are a strong resilient woman and you are never alone we may be strangers but through our gender we are united and are family sending love and light to you
Iam sorry to hear about what you went through. I pray that your mom may learn to be supportive. I have come to the realisation that most of us come from households where we don't have deep conversation about life let alone the deep conversation about the hardships we all go thru in this life.
Most times our families sweep the hard stuff under the rug,brush it off hoping that it would go away. This is due to many factors.
I hope that we can be a generation of positive change agents who are intentional about having meaningful conversations with those close to us. Check up on each other. Ask these questions,how is your week going, what is good about your week? what is hard about your week?
Sending you love! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Noz, all I can say: just take this with a lighter spirit; that ur mom understands the way u a, but on the same time, she’s still devastated as young u a. Remember that u a her Princess and love u do much, on the same time wishing u all the best
Hi Nozi, as you speaking I can sense that you are emotional, yet so brave. My mother is 66 years old and she once told me that ngexesha labo their parents were not telling them yonke into le like open up to any conversation nabantwana and as children were only expected to do as they were told & no questions asked. I think what she said to you what not her intention to use it against you more than it was her communication in trying to open up indirect with you in terms of how it made her feel by keeping it from from her for so long. So now she used what she can to open up with you and expressed her feelings and I think by talking to you about your status even if it was indirect, to me it sounds like she's healing. So don't take it personal or think she's using it against. She is your mother and will never have any reason to harm your feelings at all.
I think to a certain level you are being unfair (for lack of better word) to u Mama, like you said in the video, she wasn't really given time to process, not only your status but everything that comes with it for her as a parent, remember she was supposed to protect, guide and make sure you stay on the right path(not that you were not) so when this happened she must have felt like she had failed you, then on top of that she wasn't your first point of contact when you found out, that too must have felt like failure on her part because amsure every parent would like to believe that should anything happen, we will run to them. So watching that lady on tv brought that back ukuthi nami my daughter didn't feel safe enough to run to me. Maybe the way she said it was a bit offensive but maybe listen to the message behind the message.
You are walking such a beautiful journey of healing, acceptance and inspiration but you left her behind, you now need to go back to the starting point with all the tools you have picked up along the way uyo landa uMama and help her along the way, without making it about you and your feelings.
Love and Light
Couldn't agree More with this One ,You never gave your mum time to process whatever was going On ,So to some extent she has bottled up so much of how she feels and she needs an outlet ,Do therapy together i believe it will help and you will build a better mother daughter relationship...
I agree with you Neo
@@mrandmrsb5250 Me too
This is very deep. What I find is that it is very difficult to move past the childhood trauma of not being afforded the opportunity to openly engage with our parents. Im dealing with a similar thing with my dad who was very strict during my childhood and the best thing that he did excelled in was instil discipline. we never had a real relationship outside of that. Now that I'm older and a man of my own we just can't seem to be able to find each other. I'm just glad that as the younger generation we have have the tools to do better to raise better human beings when God blesses us with our own children.
this level of "the other" and being able to role play and be in her shoes and ask yourself the questions you wish answer is out of this world. anadazi honestly andazi how you're doing this.
Nozi, when mothers get old they become kids. Please understand that she is fearing for your life. Our mothers don't understand HIV. I have a family member who is HIV and my mother never understood. So I appeal to you to be patient with her.👏
I think it's important to understand that the journey you had to walk as a person living with HIV, the people you open up to about your status have to walk that same journey as well. They have to receive the heavy news, process it, walk the acceptance journey, fight internal and external stigma, and then adapt and accept. Simply telling someone and leaving them to figure it out is insensitive. Either you are infected or affected and on whichever side you are, you walk the journey of acceptance. I'd say don't go to therapy alone, go with her or sign her up for therapy as well, about 5 sessions each will clear the fog for both of you. Honestly, you thinking of therapy is an indicator that she needs therapy too. Don't abandon her again to deal alone.
Dropping the title of a book I believe may be helpful towards healing. It is called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride.
What I've learnt and continue to learn is that our parents need so much grace and gentleness from us. I see how life has been tough to my parents and they struggle with seeing my siblings and I go through ubunzima of any kind because they still feel the need to shield us from any struggle and hardship, but they do not how to. I think we need to learn how to have conversations with them that will leave both parties feeling heard and hopefully understood, where we don't invalidate or make light of our own feelings, but we also acknowledge their fears and things they do not understand.
Mina....ngizithadela. .....wena we Nozie ....I love your accent.....u-mama...uzoba..strong oe we all make mistakes...
I understand sisi it’s not easy talking to our mothers at times
Hi sis Nozi. I would really encourage you to go with MMA for counselling please. My parents did it when my sis got infected. And remember she is affected too. You need an outsider to allow the conversation to happen. PLEASE sisi
One thing about you girl, you always brovoke emotions. I envy you for leaving your purpose...Love you always, how i wish i can have your guts because i have realised my purpose but i havent got guts to navigate around it.
Firstly I'd like to express my love for you Nozi...you inspire a lot of us. Secondly I can totally relate with the parent-child relationship. To this day I can never tell my mother anything because she uses my failures and challenges against me so I've since learnt to solve it or suffer in silence💔😢
Nozi, I can listen to you all day everday... Lots of love from me 🌼
Believe me Nozi.. I can relate.. I feel you more than you can think.... My mom is exactly like yours... And it's difficult to confide to her... We end up not telling her anything and it's painful
Hey Nozi, thank you for sharing your journey with your mom. This assured me that I am not the only black girl child who is facing such issues with her mother and I have been contemplating starting therapy next year. Will definitely do so.
As you said that your mother has that "I am the parent" mentality, I think she felt dishonoured and betrayed perhaps when your status was disclosed right when she was trying to figure out what was happening herself. In addition, she had to answer to relatives, church members and so on. Honestly speaking I do not know the solution, but pray for wisdom and mom's heart so that when you get a mediator, it will be progressive. Will pray for you guys as well and you will definitely be a great and healed mom some day❤️❤️❤️
you weren't wrong. I have similar issues when it comes to my mom, but i have since realized she was a raised in a different time where children were seen and not heard which really has affected the kind of parents they become. I am also very strong willed and cannot just roll over as well as my siblings can so me and her have heard numerous conversations, sometimes she gets it but most times she doesn't. But strangely enough when she needs advice she knows to come to me and admittedly she said i have the kind of self awareness she yearned to have at my age. My advice would be, whatever you raise with her, do it in kindness even if her respond doesn't mirror the same kindness. Try not to raise your voice but voice your opinions and feelings, she will one day get it. Your feelings are valid!!! Also, therapy will help you! the one thing my therapist said to me "is parents are also human beings that tried to make the best of the foundations that they had". This he said after what seemed like a casual conversation about my parents and how they grew up (he's also spiritually gifted so he could point out details of their upbringing i had no idea of), i cried because for the first time i felt empathy where my usual response would be anger.
❤
As parents most of us want to shelter our kids from all pain in this life but we know that despite our best efforts that is not always possible. We pray that when our children go thru hardships and pain in life we can always be their first refuge,a place where they will run to and find the support they need to face any difficulty. When we realize that we are not a refuge for our kids it hurts and we try to fix that
Secondly dealing with a loved ones HIV status is not a one time event but a lifetime journey. Perhaps in her journey of dealing with everything. She is now at a point where she realized her short comings and she wants you to know what she is there for you whenever you go thru hardships she wants to support you from the beginning.
I grew up with a strong mom as well where we were seen as children but not heard. One day we sat down with my school's pastor talked through your issues and understand each others love languages. Since that day my mom's been my best friend for the past 13 years - it just took us setting time aside to understand each other. No matter what happens - she's your mom and she loves you so much.❤️
I love children who understand their parents. Mina ke I am not the one when it comes to my parents. When I don’t like something I don’t like it period.
I'm happy you raise this point I am also not have that relationship with my mother but one day when I'm mother I want my children to be free to me to speak their mind I really dnt want the relationship I have with my mother its so difficult...
Oh Nozi I had to listen to this twice. It just brought tears to my eyes. You are just describing my mom. She never listens to anyone, always right in everything and would rather self-correct than someone points out her mistakes. Even now in my late 30s it's hard to confide in her. Yes our parents were raised differently back then and to them it was the only right way of raising a child, not realizing shutting a voice of a child creates so much trauma and fear as an adult. Its hard to open up to our parents because they didn't create an easy and free environment to express your feelings. All we did was just to listen and keep quiet. Now we are raising ama2000 who are opinionated as hell and we have to groom and discipline at the same time make sure that their heard as a child. I think what you did by telling your mom at a later stage it was the best. The hardest part is we have to heal by ourselves the hurtful words that sometimes our parents throw at us. I'm so used to being reminded a out my past and what I did everytime I make a mistake. I'm raising my child differently and make sure I have a conversation with him instead of just being me talking.
This is soooo good Nozi. I really relate to the last 10 minutes. I was talking to my psychologist about my fear of falling in to the toxic trapping of my parent when I become a parent. I cried the whole session and mind you I didn't even feel like going to therapy that day kanti I'm going to unearth such huge things.
You and me both! I recently started therapy because I've gotten to the point where I'm seriously thinking about having children and I want to make sure that I don't pass on some of the stuff I went through with my parents to the next generation. We carry alot of generational stuff in our psyche and it's important to shed those harmful things that drive a vicious cycle of angry parents who hurt kids who grow into angry parents.
@@itsnjeri9687 That session really helped me. I faced the hurt dead in the eye. I cried and release that poison from my soul. I honestly feel more confident facing a life as a parent. I might not be perfect but I am confidently working on myself and can focus of being a great parent without fear and be a present parent. We must admit and be honest that facing a future of one's self being a parent will bring out your past trauma relating to your parent(s). What we must then do is go deal with it so that we minimize the chance of passing down the hurt.
I also related to that 10min specifically. 😥 it is very painful to see yourself being your parent version to your children ,knowing very well that it has landed you in a bad space yet you find yourself doing it. I need help so bad I'm just toxic to my children and I don't like it😭and worse I know I need help but don't know where to start since I cannot afford it
I just want to do better for my children's sake especially my daughter. I find myself doing exactly the things that my mom used to do and she's just 10 years
@@thulilekhumalo450 your self awareness is a huge step in the right direction. Whole you are not able to access therapy, I would suggest you start having honest conversations with your daughter where you try to tell her your worries and concerns about how your actions may hurt her. Try to avoid making excuses and being defensive. Just bare your soul and always try to do better. Also apologize when you catch yourself feeling like you are being toxic.
Try not to take it personally when mum tries to talk to you… she is mum and she probably grieves at times and her thoughts race at times and that is her way of coping talking to you about it…. Maybe her approach was wrong 😑 but next time just listen until she is done and say you right mum and I a sorry for putting you through this….. and then try discussing the positive side about your status and how God is using you…. Don’t get hurt when mum brings it up instead listen and tell her everything she said was right and thank her for all the support she has been able to give you each and everyday. When you hang up you then go and talk to God to heal her heart and your heart with the Holy Spirit that gives peace that surpasses all understanding.
Thank you for sharing Nozi you are truly a strong beautiful lady!
I don't have a good relationship with my mother, as you said that we were not raised like sitting down and talking to us and allowed to respond back. I grew up in the house where it was and stil is said that the grown up it right and you the child is wrong and its were it all ends. I pray that as the new generation of mom's and dad's we will change that and have open relationships with our childrean so that they will be able to come to us and talk no matter how hard that thing they are going through is. A child will not come if they know that this and that will be said and that same thing will be used against them. Thank you for sharing as always.
Moms can dominate conversations hey and it is hard so my heart goes out to you❤️. My mom was so strict I was scared to tell her I was pregnant even though I was already married 😂. But just my 2 cents … I think you need someone who is level headed to facilitate the conversation. It would be wonderful if that person is a therapist but it doesn’t have to be. It just needs to be someone who can be fair and whom she has some level of respect for. But before that conversation, go for therapy sessions to prepare yourself for it 🌼 sending you and her love and light 🥰❤️💕
Sorry Nozi ndicela ukuqala ngokuthi uxolo. At the same time I understand your mom. She was not fighting kodwa ebesazisa umntwana wakhe ukuba uzive njani xa ebebukele lo interview and what came to her mind, ebalisela wena mntwana wakhe encokola nawe not the third person. Ebengaqondanga kuvisa wena kabuhlungu and I'm sure she is very disappointed and hurting ngenxa ye misunderstanding. But ke andiyazi, try not to put your mum in a certain box or category, try not define her nge past otherwise you will never enjoy your daughter mom relationship.
Your mother is my dad, not listening to anyone, ressurecting old mistakes, never opening room to hear anyone. My advise, MAKE PEACE WITH WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE including how our parents are, it is hard but worth it because if you do not make peace you will always long for something that deeeep down you know will slightly NEVER happen. I am you on the RAISING VOICE scenario, it's hard Nozi, homes are not the same but ezinye izinto we have to make peace with for the sake of our sanity. I LOOOOOVE YOU and you are not alone.
Hi Nozi, thank you for sharing with us, always.
Well firstly, I think it is a good thing that you are able to speak and voice out your feelings to your mom. In this situation I think just allow her to be her and be patient with her, not allowing anything to get to you.
In my view, I think that you are living your life in a way that you see fit and it is okay that some people involved in your life are not happy even if it is your parents for as long as your journey is fulfilling and satisfactory, continue to journey. In most cases, people we love tend to be unhappy about our choices not because they are not good for us but because of their beliefs or those of their communities and therefore they project that on us.
Regarding the toxic traits you might have adopted from your mom, it actually is a good thing that you are aware of them and that is the first step of unlearning and doing better for as long as you will try to avoid it and constantly remind yourself not to let it have a control over you.
Oh Nozi ❤️ sending you lots of love. Don’t be so hard on yourself and your mother. You two will eventually have the hard conversations at the right time and understand where the other is coming from. 🌺 it’s a journey
sisi mna ndizokxelela inyani engafunwayo uthethwa phandla'apha, particularly kuthi bantu abamnyama. Abazali bethu can be sooo hurtful to us and so toxic, in some cases emotionally abusive. Things that we would never take in other relationships sis Nozi. But they do that because we give them power to do so. Sithetha sithethe sime ngento ethi "ekugqibeleni ngumama wakho". yabona ke loo saying, iyandiphambhanisa!! Because it eliminates any responsibility from them, njengakule meko yakho yoba uzibuze "was I insensitive..". Nozi oyena mntu obe insensitive apha ngumamakho. She knows better because she's older and has had more life experience. And yet uzibona inguwe i"adult" in the situation trying to reason with ibetrayal embi kangaka. Truth is your mom betrayed your trust and as a result ngoku kuzoba nzima for you to go to her xa kuphinde kwakho isehlo esibuhlungu kuwe.
I feel so heard from this video I think you should get a mediator and also try to see things from her point of view because that would make you understand her a bit more honey we love you hope you get answers soon Thank you for this video seems like we all have such issues with our parents but we know you will get through it with grace♥️♥️
My advise dear would be to speak to Skhu to speak to her in your presence. My Mum used to be difficult to comminicate with but I managed to penetrate through to her and now she listens but sometimes she would rub what you shared with her to your face and as she is growing I don't share my things with her now.
I just love you Cc Nozi
Ooh Nozi I'm so sorry your mom made you feel that way. But having listened to the story I totally agree with the person who said you left your mom behind. The honest truth is that there's no love like a mother's love for her child. Your moms reaction probably comes from that she's hurt so much and just scared for you, HIV has changed so much over the years and most of our parents don't know that. If you're not in a position to educate her, maybe find her someone who can.She probably also blames herself as a mother and her bringing that up could be just a hint that she might be ready to talk.
Hello Nozi.
Yooh! to be honest, my parents are the last people I'll go to, to let them know about any sort of challenge I'm facing, it's not only my parents but my siblings as well and the reason is very much obvious, in times of a disagreements or misunderstandings they'll use what you told them to sort of hurt or insult you, so I'd rather suffer in silence.
Also, I've also realized that growing up I used to cry a lot because I was NEVER given an opportunity to be heard, my side of the story didn't matter and the only way to get my point across was shouting. 😔 ey! this brings tears to my eyes.
Sorry Nana!! Most of our parents are emotionally absent and it's sad... But I'm sorry ❤️❤️
I hardly confide to my mom, infact now as we speak we are not in good speaking terms,but I'm blessed to have my sister ,she is bit far from me but I rather wake her up at 2am and speak to her,and I'm glad her boys also found that in me, some parents are very toxic ,😰
Very toxic babe
Yhooo I just listened to this and it made me feel some kind of way bcoz this is me and my mother. And ke mna I am a go to child whenever my mother is facing any intervention whether financial or other thing but at the same time I am the one who always got into trouble bcoz of what I said or how I said. And will always have to defend myself in an improper way or different from how my siblings would deal. So andinacebiso lakho cc its work ndikulinto ngoku everyday. And ndiyafana nomama she is fearless akhomntu endinothi lona angamthobela to the end nooo akekho. Uxelela umntu Indaba zakhe qhiba amthande hayi Kuba ezisola ha a. Uyikhuphile eyakhe esifubeni sakhe kodwa akakucaphukeli qha mazi ukuba umephi at all cost sensitive or not oooh Thixo. Ndave ndarelater from beginning end 😭😭😭😭
My 2 cents for you sis Nozi is to pray about it, give it to God and he will show you how to have this conversation with mama. he will open doors that you didn't know needed opening. I feel like your pain is still palpable from this video, cry about it sis it will ease the burden a little but ultimately take it to God
in all honesty, my parents are my support system. through thick and thin💯 they allowed us to have a voice on important matters even as kids. we were never silenced. i'm grateful for having them in my life. ❤
Nozi you sound so hurt...beneath all the words that you spoke.both you and umama needs healing.maybe she felt like you did not even give her a chance to process everything before you put it on youtube...you should ask her...and apologize..if she was hurt by it...I suggest you fast and and pray for guidance before opening up the convo again.I sense that it is still a sore spot for umama.
A journey like this needs support. I think you found your support in God and Skhu. It sounds like she didn't have the same support and had to come to terms with this on her own
Hey Noz 😘
I fully understand what you are saying cc and i know its also hard so my advice to you is try to speak to her uve ukuba undawoni ngk in terms of her healing because ngendlela endibona ngayo shes feels like she failed you as a parent kwaba ungakwazi ukuthetha naye for iminyaka ngento ekwehleleyo and uzokwazi nha ukumthemba umxelele xa unokwehlelwa yenye into empilweni yakho but yibeke ecaleni leyo coz you did what you had to do to go through your own journey now try to seat her down and let her be no matter ubize brother wakho so that akhuphe lonke igombonxa elisentlizweni yakhe coz shes been bottling up lonke elixesha ezibuza imibuzo engaphendulekiyo so try to give her the platform to express herself so that she can also heal and its not gonna be an overnight thing but be patient with her cc i know its not gonna be easy kwakuwe but ask God to guide you😍😍
When you feel mentally and emotionally ready you should try and sit down and have a conversation with her...and tell her how the things she said made you feel. She may also open up on some things you were not aware of.
I don’t think you were insensitive sis, you are the only one who knows how it feels like being HIV+....our loved ones need to teach themselves on how they can approach this issue.
I love my mom so much but I’ll never confide in her...I tried having a conversation with her, telling her that I understand why some people default on their medication...she shouted at me so much and her last words just broke my heart
❤️❤️
I think I understand both you and your mom. The mistake she made on her side was not addressing the matter with sensitivity which resulted in you being affected the way you were, but her main point was to try show you how you are not open with her about the matter. The approach, like you say, could be coming from a place of not knowing how to approach matters, which end up with her not seeing any problem with it because her focus is on the way you kept quiet for long.
I remember, we found out about my sister's status through the severe symptoms she showed, and the question my mom has to this day is why she kept quiet for that long. That maybe she could have gotten the support she needed earlier.
Your reasons of keeping it for long, probably similar to hers, are valid. Luckily, you are in good health and still going strong❤️. From what I get from my mom's reaction, parents want to be the first point of contact regarding issues of this kind, and believe me, our assumptions of their reactions based on what we know of them is not really what comes out when we tell them about such.
Their parent element comes out and they do all they can to support, even though at times out of shock they may say things that lead us to being afraid of being open to them. She could have handled it better by being more sensitive, but she's trying to let you know how she was/is affected by you keeping it from her. Be patient with her and in the process let her know how her approach hurt you❤️
Your Mother is so much like your mother and I am so much like you, I relate so much with you because I am raising 2 boys and I see so much of my mother in me it hurts. I never want my kids to feel how I felt about my mother growing up,problem is I don't know how to be. Sometimes I feel like I am a bad mother and sometimes I feel so scared of losing them that I want to let go of them before they let go of me. There are times when I sense that they are going to hurt me that I either want to run away from the pain(like I do with every romantic relationship)before it arrives OR I hurt them before they hurt me.
I have been rejected so many times in my life that I don't know how to see and feel love,at times I feel it is best to be alone. I give the excuse that I operate better on my own and most of the time it not true, life is difficult and it is even hard knowing you are on your own. People come and go in my life,from my father,my mother,my cousins, my friends, my colleagues, my husbandS and my boyfriendS. No matter how much "good" I am to them,they always find a reason not to choose me. I am always an option,I am what they pick when they are of no options until new choices arise and they leave. I am so used to that, that sometimes I feel like I am losing my breath when my sons are with me,I am scared to show them love because at the back of my mind I have to prepare for them leaving me and not loving me.
I am doing my sessions again with a psychologist(though last week's session was not a good one,my psychologist had a stand in and let's just say I didn't feel it).
I try to reach out or be a bit open but still I go back to "safety place" more often than I would like. I hope one day I can be able to be proud of myself in raising good citizens. Thank you cc.....God bless you
Eish sis Nozie I can relate somehow on how your mom responds , our parents when we tell them how we feel they think we are being rude or something ibanzima kakhulu more special when ungakhulelanga phambi kwakhe me and my mom we don't have that relationship where I can vent how I feel but yena she will tell me how she feels and I have to accept that without saying no I don't agree with her so I think our parents need to be educated about the how much they couse kuthi😥 and that feels toxic because now kubakhona la gap between you and your mom niphele ningathethisani like before, so sad
I do go to my Mom first. But it's been a process because I stopped shielding her emotionally from me. We have never had the best relationship but I stopped following the toxicity of emotionally shutting down. It was awkward at 1st for a few years and we fought a lot, but what has happened is that over time she has softened and we now have more of a friendly closeness.
I jus love ur personality n ur strength,may God continue to bless n keep u.
I share the exact sentiments I tested positive for Covid July she broke down she barely ate I expected her to be strong for me , so for her health reasons i would delay telling her anything serious that affects my health.
I'm in tears just by listening to the reality, I wish your mother can listen to this video, maybe she can identify the pain u have n maybe she will sit with u down n explain to u why she is like that n tell u that, she has got ur back n she loves u unconditional. I love you guys,I love your inspiration, I love your transformation, the strength u draw from heaven. May the good gracious Lord be with u guys, you n ur husband, protect and guide you in everything you do. Keep well n keep strong.
Cha bandla, our mothers all graduated from the same school of parental communication. 😂🤣
I think given that you said you guys had never had the conversation where it centred around how uMa was dealing with things, is there a chance that her raising it the way she did was her attempt to share some of that with you?
I don't think your initial feelings were wrong because the point came out of left field so you weren't able to prepare yourself into the mode where you were listening to uMa and her feelings. And to recognize that those feelings aren't necessarily a narrative on you.
But again, being caught unaware I think your feelings were understandable.
Maybe uMa might not go to counselling with you but I think it would still be worth it for you to go yourself and get some guidance in when and how to have this convo in a way that honors both your mutual feelings as well as being pragmatic to deal with the issue and not just the emotions surrounding the issue.
Shuuuu!!Mother's neh. I always miss and think of my dad if he was still alive our lives would have been better, but I thank God for being able learn and speak up whenever my mom say words that makes me uncomfortable and that made us to be able to have conversation without hurting each other cause I learned to understand what kind of person she is and she will never attend therapy as she doesn't realise that she's damaging me and our relationship, also to realised that indeed I am like her or have her personality as my siblings and my daughter would say. But the difference is that I learned to be different from her in terms of laying foundation of being open to my daughter and the kids that I have raised also be an easy mom, sister, aunt and etc mostly in using the words like "I thought you were smart enough to know 1,2 & 3" or "I told you so look now" and making comparisons or an examples which are the things words our mother always using against. What I can therapy has help me to understand my mom and accept her as she is but set boundaries when it comes to my feelings also work hard to to be a better person than her as we have similarities....so darling please go back to your therapist and be honest with yourself and your feelings with everything 🤗🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hi Noz😘... Firstly uFezi akho kwa TV ebeybukele, but I feel yhinto ebekukudala efuna ukuythetha, qha indlela aybeke ngayo, ibimbi, honestly Hai uybeke kakbi. In my opinion I think she should've have used the TV story to start the issue, but Instead of saying "wena wayolala ngaphandle kwe Condom" she could've asked, Nozi Mntanam kwakuyinton eyayinzima ekuthetheni Nam njenga Mzali, because as you are telling the story, according to my understanding wena Nala mntana wase TV ak'lulanga to speak to parents about certain issues...
I think she needs a heart to heart Conversation with you about the issue, ibengathi it's the first time eyiva, umxelele, allow her to speak her heart and ask her how she feels. I feel she's very soft okanye unayo indawo yokuzithoba when it comes to Ta Skhu, have him part of the conversation kwenzelba emotions zingazuthatha over.
It cannot be done over night, Pray about it mntase, ndiyakuva nalapho kwi video you're a bit emotional, and it's natural I felt it when you mentioned how she instigated the whole issue, ndizive ndisithi Yoh Abazali💔.
Calm down, pray about it and speak about it, because clearly ikhona into emtyayo ngalemeko.
Sorry for commenting in Xhosa but I express myself better Guyzini❤️
Uberyt Nozi💓💓💓
Our problems as a society though. So sad. I can totally relate boo. I don't talk to my parents about my issues.
Hey Nozi, I would like to believe that mommy’s intention was not to use your status against you. You must understand that as parents we feel the pain of our children and we would like to believe that should our children get into any trouble in life, they would come back running into us. And when this didn’t happen for her, she got hurt. The program she was watching, triggered unresolved feelings or emotions. The sad thing is that when we have unresolved feelings, they manifest themselves in not so pleasant manner. I think mommy was or is still is disappointed with you for not trusting her, to be there for you, to understand, to be a parent you needed at the time. Having said all this, you know mommy best and I think we need to exercise patience. You can start by sending her a message and tell her all the things you were shouting down in that conversation you both had.Tell her you will call and ask her to listen not to answer, ask nicely if she could let you speak all you wanted to say.❤️🥰
Not me being her mom 🌚
She sounds exactly like me,I’m a nightmare and a dream come true.I had an ex who wrote me a letter to tell me about something that was a huge deal between us,living with the words for a while gave me the opportunity to digest them before reacting.Hope that helps x
🤣 🤣 🤣 I liked this. Pray that you don't have a girl child cz she is gonna challenge you exactly the same way you challenge your mom, and you would wish to use your mom's raising tactics, but it won't work... M speaking from experience. My mum was stubborn, I am stubborn too, though not intentionally, but simply cz i want her to hear me.... But it just won't happen. Now I'm scared of my daughter lol... She is growing and m not ready lol
Hi there, this is a very interesting conversation you are opening up here, my parents are very good parents, raised me well, loving in their own way but even so, there has been a situation that I got myself into and not even my mother was an option to run to and open up. The reason for dat was that I just didn't want to hurt / disappoint them...secondly it would feel so uncomfortable to talk about feelings, it's just too difficult to go there with my parents.
Wooow I understand where you were, where you are luckily you can still go back and do CORRECTIONS. Our parents don't make it easy for us especially moms, parents don't talk to us but they tell us what to do, feel, act etc it's really not easy for anyone strruuu.
Nozi ndicinguba khawuziphe I thuba uthethe naye u mama u Fezi umbuze uba waye waziva njani ngelaxesha wawumxelela nge status sakho. Umyeke umphe ithuba loba athethe ngendlela aziva ngayo, unga ngeneleli umamele nje qha noba uyaziva uba ufuna uphendula just listen to her and don't interrupt. I think ingaba sisiqalo eso.
Nozi, I think your mom has been bottling this hurt in her for long and just did not know and still doesn't know how to address it directly to you. She's hurt that as your mother, she found out about your status almost the same time as the rest of the world, she feels that she has failed you in some way and also feels offended and left out. She has just had to go along and take everything as it comes. You were not wrong for being defensive and offended, however the conversation needs to happen in a different setting and face to face most probably. It needs to be an honest talk from both sides because at the end of the day she has your best interest at heart just like you had your reservations but wanted to protect her in the process. I wish you the best.
Hello Nozi❤I honestly think you need to take it easy when it comes to your mom in particular, moms are very fragile, especially for the fact that you know very well what kind of person she is. Irrespective of the fact that you and her have very strong personalities, you need to bear in mind who the parent is here, and respect it wholeheartedly. Dear I feel that you never gave her a chance to deal with the issue of your status before going public. That was wrong of you, clearly it hurt her feelings and those feelings remains unresolved no matter how much you have changed other people's lives, remember hers was suppose to take first priority. In other words it was totally wrong of you to go public in the manner in which you did, before having her deal with the situation, that was very important to her. The calls she received from relatives regarding your status clearly shredded her apart. I dont even believe she was ready for that "coming home interview" what you did my dear was highly inconsiderate to her. She is your mother and she loves you dearly and trust me she will never use your status issue against you, she is hurting Nozi, this issue is eating her hense the reaction..
she is now ready to talk to you about the whole situation, give her a chance let her vent, let her shout at you if needs be its ohkay.. you need to let her deal with this the best way she knows how, and after all of that. The two of you will be just fine. Listen to her without chipping in ask for forgiveness for how you blew the whole thing out of proportion, she will understand and she will forgive. Be her child as big as you are and as married as you are, because to her you will always be her little girl. Help her heal this wound inside her by just calming down and listening to her. And lastly do go see a therapist soon.. lots of Love sweetheart❤
@@nads2144 I do definitely agree with the fact the mother probably did not get a chance to deal with the situation and it did affect her. But we also need to consider Nozi's position. Does Nozi have to apologize for the fact that she (Nozi) was able to accept and overcome her own status or Nozi has to apologize for the fact that her mother did not form a relationship with Nozi that will afford Nozi the platform to be able to communicate with her mother about the challenges she has gone through and or her status? Why does it have to be Nozi who has to be considerate to her mother is it because of the fact that she has managed to accept and live with her status? Who would have the responsibility of apologizing if Nozi was not in a position where she has managed to be comfortable and accepting of her status? In all regards yes the mother needs to also deal with this but if I was the mother I would really feel bad for the fact that my daughter did not come to me at the first instance she faced a challenge. It's something that should have sparked a sense of reflection and introspection as a mother and try to reach out to make means for communication. It's really unfair that we go through situations and try to survive those situations and on top of that now we have to apologize for going through those situations as if we asked to be in those situations. I highly support your recommendation of a therapist.
I think through the whole ordeal your mother tried to put on a brave face for you. Yet on some level she feels like she failed you in some way. And maybe that move she watched with that girl reminded her of you feeling lost and alone and believe me mother's love to be our human shield always trying to protect us from this evil world. She's hurt that you could not confide in her, but I don't blame you because you were trying to protect her. I think the two of you need to sit down and chat about it maybe the both of you swept it under the carpet bcz it was a sore subject to deal wid. On the bright side I want to tell you that you are such a brave person to come out and share your story. You inspire me as a woman and I know you have touched many wid your story. I hope my advice will help you. Good luck.
Unrelated: so at in my last year of varsity I fell pregnant with my second child, out of fear or whatever I didn't tell my mom, she found out from someone else 2 Weeks before my due date. Mind you I'm my mom an I are very tight; we talk about everything an anything but fir some reason I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I didn't want to disappoint her an all.
Being a good mom that she is she called to confirm if its true an that was it, she packed her things to come be with me. An before I got a job she had to help raise an support my kids.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we sometimes think we are the only one's who are dealing with that situation and don't stop to realize that there are other people in our life's who have to carry that burden too.
Courage Nozie baninzi abantu obomelezileyo ngoku theta nge statures Sakho
I just love you nozi,sending all the love from 🇳🇦 walvisbay
The mediator has fo be Skhu because she trusts and loves him. It wont ne easy for her to confide with the stranger. It shows she is still hurting not in a way of being judmental she feels she has failed you for not having a chance ro tell you about how to do things as a gir. Please do
I agree with you Xoli
*Bigbearhugstoyou* I can relate, my mother is exactly as yours, so much so that when I started my periods at age 11years I hid it for 2-3years, until my sister saw me. Over 23 years later, I still can't speak to her about anything and it's sad.
I’m not sure about the “…both be heard” statement, it’s really sad hey because black families are just living, toxicity builds up to a point where there’s no going back everyone is just defensive or if there’s a person to pin everything on bayinikela kuwe. I really don’t have any advice yazi, I feel really sad to see you hurting like this 💔 parents are usually toxic and you didn’t do anything wrong she should’ve dealt with her feelings in a more polite way.
My opinion is that mom has not really dealt with it yes she has come to terms with it but dealing with it emotionally is completely different and one thing we need to realise with parents is that when such things happen to their kids or when a child falls pregnant still young the first thing that comes to their minds is that "where did I go wrong" or " what could I have done differently" yes they know they taught us well but there will always be that self blame they have each time something bad happens to us or we do something stupid remember their first intuition is to protect us, now coming to the fact that she brought up the fact that you didn't confide in her she may not say it but she too had to do an introspection I terms of the barrier that was between that led you to not have confidence enough to emmediately run to her for support of something so life changing so I personally feel that you both need to sit down and talk and cry and be open you'd be surprised how much you'd discover but don't do it in an environment where it will feel forced you know she might feel attacked in a therapy session or like she's forced as you mentioned it's not something she would consider so try going on a weekend away just the two of you in a calm setting and talk about how you feel about this but at the same time allow her to also openly express hers because yes YOU are the one living with HIV daily each time you take your pill you are reminded that you have this virus I you and I know that's not easy that's the hardest thing ever but remember this affects her as well she's also had to adapt and like you said you did not give her the time to deal with it she had no time to adapt by herself but instead circumstances forced her to accept the reality of what what happening and in as much as the journey had to happen the way it did and you coming out when you did was good for you and your purpose but it also then forced her to suppress how she felt it forced her to get on with the programme and move on so I really thing you both haven't dealt with this fully and the mere fact that her statement hurt you is because deep down you know you never gave her or both of you the chance to deal with it together I wish you both the very best and I hope you finds healing and answers and know this your longer loves you more than anything and you love her too so in the midst of this journey let love take over
Eeey this is a sensitive topic, i can relate to what you are going through, i actually realise that iam struggling to have a solid relationship with my daughter, i think simple because i dont remember when i was young speaking to my mum, it was all a matter of being scolded or being told how it should be, my mum is a lovely person, now that iam old we have a good relationship but i know there is a gap. I think your mum feels like she has failed or she might also be going through the giant struggle of not knowing how to effectively communicate with you, and you having her personality is not a walk in the park she knows the struggle but its not too late, iam also actually going to go for therapy soon because i know iam the one struggling because my daughter is always telling me how much i mean to her and i fail to respond because i somehow dont know how. 😢
In this situation, I think both of you were triggered. In watching the show, I believe she saw herself in the mom that could not be confided in. That’s why she asked you that question. I guess she was trying to confirm the “condemnation” she was placing on herself in that moment. And in speaking about it, you got triggered too, cos she is in fact the mother you weren’t comfortable sharing your HIV status with.
And that’s why both of you were so defensive.
She used that example because there is probably no other one that weighed as much, that probably communicated to her that you don’t trust her with sensitive matters (and this is a gross exaggeration, because you probably confide in her about a number of important things)
I also don’t believe she has fully come to terms with you having told her after so many years. She probably judges herself as a mom because you couldn’t come to her the moment you found out.
And maybe that is the bigger conversation to have. Disclosing the reasons why you chose not to tell her.
So much kindness in your repsonse.
Your home sounds more like mine🥺 and I'm you believe me. However what has helped thus far is to try and be the person I would like my parents to be, hasn't been easy but we can atleast hear each other, rather than one sided conversations. It took almost forever though😭🙆♀️ but I'm greatful I tried, today my mom listens, she asks "mntanam uziva njani", my dad too. Firstly I had to forgive myself for being so insensitive and the pressure I put on them growing up, I came to realize that they grew up in a different era, like it or not it's all they know and been exposed too, "as umntwana you just listen and not ask questions". I had to heal, forgive myself and forgive them, then I reached out and apologized to them. I must say I'm still awe of what God has been doing kwelakhaya, the amount of respect I get from my parents especially my dad. I try and put myself in their shoes, see things through their eyes, then think of the possible actions I'd take had I been in their shoes. It's not an easy journey but I can confidently say they have my back and are at a possition where they now understand ukuthi I'm not them, and they're happy when I am😊 by the way my HIV status was one of hardest to deal with babecingba ndiyafa especially bcos I told them over the phone while in hospital, just a few minutes after I found out I called my mom and dropped the bomb just like that.
Mama is sad that you were not able to tell her about your status, even though it's caused by type of relationship you have with her but it kills her and she doesn't want it to happen again.
She does not know how to address issues in a way that will not be offensive.
I say teach her how to be a better parent in terms of communication.
e.g "Mama I would have appreciated if you sat me down, tell me about the show you were watching and how it made you think of my situation. Express to me how it made you feel and how we can move on"
Nozi this will give you a chance to make Mama aware of her flaws(respectfully) and how she can improve.
Her not listening to anyone and throwing punches might be due to her childhood experiences. She may have been treated this way and she got accustomed to it.
Forgive her, she needs help also.
How about a trusted family member with Skhu? It’s going to be hard no matter what especially because it’s going to take you really humbling yourself on your mistake.
You are human, And you made a mistake. You are using your story for So much good eish. I know I don’t like to hear of what I have done wrong- I would just rather move on from it all but I order to heal And repair this important relationship, you will have to sit and listen to her And how SHE feels. It will be hard. All The best!
My relationship with her is similar to yours Nozi and your mom and I have given up trying because it's just not changing, she is just getting worse as she grows. I have a best friend though that I always talk to.
I love you Nozi.. you inspire me. 🇳🇦🇳🇦
Eish Nozi sadly the way we where raised sadly affects us when we become parents because we tend to want to be controlling and not being able to give our kids the platform. I relate very much to you when it comes to our moms till this day, kusafuneka ndigudle udonga when there's something I want to tell my mom. Yes they are very supportive I won't lie but my journey has taught me the necessity of this relationship. But your story on Sat touched so many mothers 😭😭 honestly allow to be a bit hypocritical and say PLEASE UNDERSTAND MOMMY AND LET HER BE. 🤗🤗🙈🙈
😭😭😭😭The trauma some parents put their children through 💔💔💔
Parents also have a problem of entitlement, Children grow up and make certain decisions that will either help them grow or set them back but such is life.
Her point is you should've known BETTER , but she must also appreciate that you learnt other valuable lessons through those challenges. And you came out a BETTER person.
Parents don't understand when you embrace your failures, to them it seems like lack of accountability.
You are an adult now she must be able to detach her self when it comes to your decisions and know that she did her best to raise you but now she can only advise you going forward because you are a grown women.
I reprimand myself every day when I see myself shouting cz that's my mom n I don't want that part of her..eish I can relate..I'm so trying to change many things towards my daughter..my mom was great but I don't want to enherit everything from her obviously
Let her see a therapist to deal with her emotions regarding the issue
The 50s and above Generation is difficult to deal with they are always right, do not spend a lot of your time arguing with them your feelings will be hurt.
Lots of love to you Nozi.💋
Ur mom sounds mine shame🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Am close to her BUT I dnt tell her my struggles becouse of the same reasons, next thing I'll get a random SMS and my issue oh when we have a disagreement she will deffinantly throw that on my face sooo nooooo
Nozi I think uMama may have some hurt regarding your relationship and where she stands. I don't think it's personal or about u . I recently had a scenario where a friend came out as queer to me and I found out I was the last to find out amongst the friends, and it was because he feared losing the friendship and it hurt me a lot because I have always hoped that people close to me know that I place the person above everyone else. It sounds to me as if uMama is saddened that she wasn't the 1st person u came to, and perhaps that makes her feel as tho she has somehow failed u as a parent. And bcoz our parents are not raised to communicate well, it may have come out passive aggressively. This is not to judge either of u because I fully understand your side; I'm just trying to provide a different context. I think being offended was her being reactionary but I think she has fully accepted your status - especially since u have gotten married (u know our mothers nomshado 😂). But what I know is u guys love each other and that's all that matters.
She sounds exactly like my mom I wouldn't tell her so I understand...my mom was very judgemental
Mine is too
I love you mntase ♥️♥️😇
A big part of your mom's heart is sore that you couldn't straight up come to her and she knows that she is the reason you couldn't confide in her but how does she acknowledge that...she's also in turmoil about a whole lot...parenting is tough guys there are things that we don't even want to admit to ourselves let alone be vulnerable to our kids
Just imagine you have a daughter and you are your mum. It will help when you wear her shoes.
Love this comment, I think you really start to understand your parents and their actions when you become a parent yourself.
I don't have a relationship with my mom she was always bringing me down my whole life. I was the scapegoat of my family I been on a healing journey alone for 2 years. Found out she is a Narcissist the only way to get peace from these toxic parents is no contact ask your therapist about Narcissistic mothers their main is to hurt their daughters they are so jealous of their kids. Their aim is always to hurt us with their words.
The best therapists who specialises on narcissm are only on UA-cam dr Judy wtft grieving the mother you never had. Daniel Mackler, Dr Ramani