11:45 had me dying because I swear we're making the exact same faces listening to her responses😂. I dated an ISTJ before and it's crazy how similar both your vibes are to how that previous relationship used to be.
This was so educational and Deanna may I just say, your entire look is on point in this video. 👌👌 So helpful to learn about the communication styles of the INTJ/ISTJ from people who really know what they're talking about!
Love it! INTJ wife helps me (ISTJ) with my Fe a bunch in social gatherings, however I express my Fe much more easily then her in one on one conversations doing everyday tasks (like getting a hair cut or going to buy groceries).
Yes. My being nice, warm, and personable is definitely for the benefit of the person or people that I'm talking to. I really could care less about small talk. But, other people value those soft connections. And they're trying to connect with me. I need to see this as the honor that it truly is. Someone cares enough about me to want to connect with me. I should return the favor and give them the conversation that they're looking for. Even if it seems pointless - it isn't. It's bonding. And for humans, it's important. :)
Love these videos! I agree that extroverted feeling sucks when it is fake. But to be honest, oftentimes when I ask someone how they are doing or how their weekend was, even just random people, I (INFJ) do really care. Maybe not on a personal level, but it's good to just know if someone is doing okay. I might not really care about their weekend, but just want to know if they are doing fine. Unfortunately most times people just use it because it is deemed 'appropriate' (which I am guilty of as well). These are two very different sides of Fe, as you mentioned as well. The 'faking' for keeping harmony (or even worse, manipulating), and the use for externally showing that you genuinely care about/appreciate someone.
So you ask just to know in yourself that there energy is positive, basically because you actually dont care about their weekend etc yet you still ask ‘hows your weekend? I hope you’ve having a great day!’ Thats fake because you are asking it just to satisfy yourself, not genuinely caring. Look, heres the problem with Fe and what it comes down to, Fe talking makes the other person feel like you genuinely care about them…and yet when we find out you dont…thats when we realise you are fake. I as an INTJ have experienced this from another INFJ, they would say to me really nice things and say like An INFJ will say something like ‘I guess I'll keep working hard to see for myself. With amazing friends like you and the others I have no doubt that you guys have played a significant role in this journey of mine. I hope to bring as many of you along with me.🙏🏼💖🦊😊’ along with: ’aww I appreciate your support and even all the hard work you did for an objective important to you. At the end of the day, you were the one to see it through to the end so you have to give yourself some credit there. I hope you enjoy whatever and whoever you put your mind to in your journey in this life and any career you may choose for yourself.😊😁😉’ Now these 2 paragraphs and words from an INFJ they sound ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ and were sent in a group chat towards me (so others can see what she is saying) obviously using Fe here to make me feel good and to appear to others how nice she is. However what doesnt make sense is we’re not close, even though it seems nice, when i sent this person a message privately and or try to create conversations afterwards, its very platonic and like they dont care to want to get close to you, and never start any conversations basically she dont care about me, but with the words above, it looks to me like i should be a very good friend of hers? but in reality that isnt how she is treating me. As a big difference, i would never say such things to someone whom i havent built any actual connection with or dont have plans to be close with. In that case and realising the fakeness of it, i find Fe to be a disgusting trait.
@@Lyd-PSN I understand that you see that as a bad thing. But I would say this: please don't define this as purely 'Fe'. Maybe it's best to call it 'unhealthy Fe'. Because it has more sides. People who use Fe in a very unhealthy way might lie to say things just to be 'nice' EVEN when it is inappropriate. Then in reality they are not being nice at all. They just don't want to disrupt the 'harmony', out of fear mostly. But healthy use of Fe, is different. Imagine 2 different scenarios. A Fe user who does NOT care. E.g. at work, ask someone 'how was your day' just to be polite. Then moves on and didn't emotionally care. But if a Fe user who does care, asks this to a dear friend. They will listen intently to the response, if the friend says for example 'well this bad thing happened' they will ask more questions. They will use their Fe to communicate in a REAL and caring way. They will ask, 'are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you?' Because they want to know that. And they will remember, this friend is not doing well. How can I help them? This might occupy their mind for a while because they care and want to help. That is ALSO Fe. And that's real. An Fe user just makes a grave mistake when they don't communicate well. If they decide to lie about everything then how can they be trusted? It doesn't mean they never care. It means they put up a mask and no one knows WHEN they do or do not care anymore. And their friends (obviously) feel hurt when they said they cared, when they truly did not. A healthy Fe user knows that they need to be honest, because otherwise it breaks trust. So remember Fe can be used in different ways, and this depends on how healthy and developed the person is. Your friend was probably bad at communicating. But not everyone with Fe is like that.
I get this. It is difficult for me to show emotion or engage in the social rituals like "How was your weekend?" I would rather get down to the important topic and skip the rituals. I am only 'fun' at parties, on the rare occasion that I attend one, if someone asks me about one of my favorite topics. Then, I tend to talk too much. But when it's just idle chitchat, I have very little to say. Why indeed do we have to try to blend in? Not only am I an INTJ, but also autistic, so I really feel like an alien trying to pretend to be human at times.
First of all thank you, I genuinely mean that. Secondly, please can you make many more videos with you wife? The reason I ask is that I am an INTJ male and I am thinking of entering a relationship with an ISTJ woman. Previously I was thinking of looking for an ENFP wife but the more I consider the ISTJ the more I think she might actually 'get me'. I think maybe I might find an ENFP exhausting and watching the two of you has given me a new perspective. Thanks again!
Thats pretty cool dude. I'm the opposite. I am an ISTJ male with an INTJ wife. Married for four years now. It's definitely not exhausting, but her Ni constantly makes me reconsider how I perceive things given that her domestic function is literally my lowest one. Our Te and Fi are on par which is why we mesh so well I think.
Usually, the literature says that the INTJ and ENFP work quite well together which does tend to make sense. And I can attest to that anecdotally as well. I think ENTP would also be a natural, yet dynamic fit. ISTJ + INTJ can be at odds with their sensation and intuition functions, which would the main thing to pay attention to
Do you guys have a video contrasting your types (INTJ vs ISTJ)? I was recently typed as an INTJ but the person also considered ISTJ as a secondary type. It would be cool if you guys can contrast Si and Ni.
This is fantastic exploration of Fe and lack of it for IxTJs. The older I become the more I realize the utility of it and have been trying to develop it. At best I can emulate it on surface level but to truly be constantly aware of it is nearly impossible, and I feel it will be a lot of work to have it be available to me naturally. The best advice I have is to find xSFJs or xNFJs and pay attention to how they are naturally around people with their Fe. Try to practice emulating those behaviors in simple social situations. For example at the check-out line practice using Fe and genuinely being involved in how the cashier is doing/feeling etc. In this example I chose a check-out line because the interaction time will be brief and you will not need to persist the emulation for long.
Okay, you two just made my day! I love the video and the topic, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! It's funny, as someone who should have Fe as their second function, I still hate those empty phrases as much as you. Because that's nothing else than small talk, which I despise. I really only use my Fe with my close friends or with people that I've at least established somewhat of a personal relationship, and I only ask them how they are if I really genuinely want to know. If I sense or know that someone feels uncomfortable being asked personal stuff, I will not do it, but rather wait until they feel comfortable to share something. Btw: Nice video intro! Have a great day, enjoy your week, happy Wednesday, happy Friday and Weekend! (haha, just kidding, pls don't hate me!)
Infj: Thanks for the great info on how ISTJ works. It sounds like it would be fabulous to not have to manage all these big emotions. The grass is always greener...
I think extraverted feeling (Fe) can acknowledge the introverted feeling (Fi) child function of both the INTJ and ISTJ. Our child function is very innocent because it doesn't have a counter part in the shadow, so it likes to be acknowledged and handled carefully. You may not have Fe yourselves in your ego function stack, but believe me, you like it when other's have it. You want your sense of identity confirmed and do not want to feel bad. Folks who are concerned of other's feelings are Fe users
Deanna I think you’re fine if you’re not being an as$ toward co-workers; I disagree with your husband on this a lot, and I’m an ENFP. I hate when people act fake. I hate it when people are *superficial, and trying to be someone they aren’t, and trying to fit into a mold.. I’d rather you or anyone be genuine & different; it makes the world more interesting. Just don’t be controlling or grade school in how you act toward people, which you don’t appear to be and I can’t see anyone having an issue. I’ve actually found male ISTJ quite attractive in their knowledge and confidence. That is my 2 cents... fwiw.
@5:50 an INTJ training anyone on emotions is a foreign thought to me! (Exclamation pt) 😂🤣 Imho, people expect ISTJ to be like this (had to edit other messages because ... didn’t proofread),
This is how i deal with fe situations, i call it drag queening. Basically, you create a caricature esfj costume that amuses your fi and you use that costume to deal with the situations. it's really fun 100/10 would recommend. - BS/PC Si/Te
There was this ESFJ ( I think) nurse that I work with. Every time she would see me she would say “ We see you! You can’t leave now!” After about the 5th time I lost my temper and said it wasn’t funny the first time a I heard it. That phrase is the only phrase that I heard my pisses me off more then “Are you working hard or hardly working?” Hr should allow free throat punches for those kind statements. Screw Amazon gift cards
11:45 had me dying because I swear we're making the exact same faces listening to her responses😂. I dated an ISTJ before and it's crazy how similar both your vibes are to how that previous relationship used to be.
Heck yeah 👍🏼
This was so educational and Deanna may I just say, your entire look is on point in this video. 👌👌 So helpful to learn about the communication styles of the INTJ/ISTJ from people who really know what they're talking about!
Love it! INTJ wife helps me (ISTJ) with my Fe a bunch in social gatherings, however I express my Fe much more easily then her in one on one conversations doing everyday tasks (like getting a hair cut or going to buy groceries).
Interesting dynamic there!
Yes. My being nice, warm, and personable is definitely for the benefit of the person or people that I'm talking to. I really could care less about small talk. But, other people value those soft connections. And they're trying to connect with me. I need to see this as the honor that it truly is. Someone cares enough about me to want to connect with me. I should return the favor and give them the conversation that they're looking for. Even if it seems pointless - it isn't. It's bonding. And for humans, it's important. :)
This is a tough lesson to learn. It's probably more of a skill to learn but it will reap rewards over time.
Love these videos! I agree that extroverted feeling sucks when it is fake. But to be honest, oftentimes when I ask someone how they are doing or how their weekend was, even just random people, I (INFJ) do really care. Maybe not on a personal level, but it's good to just know if someone is doing okay. I might not really care about their weekend, but just want to know if they are doing fine. Unfortunately most times people just use it because it is deemed 'appropriate' (which I am guilty of as well). These are two very different sides of Fe, as you mentioned as well. The 'faking' for keeping harmony (or even worse, manipulating), and the use for externally showing that you genuinely care about/appreciate someone.
So you ask just to know in yourself that there energy is positive, basically because you actually dont care about their weekend etc yet you still ask ‘hows your weekend? I hope you’ve having a great day!’
Thats fake because you are asking it just to satisfy yourself, not genuinely caring.
Look, heres the problem with Fe and what it comes down to, Fe talking makes the other person feel like you genuinely care about them…and yet when we find out you dont…thats when we realise you are fake.
I as an INTJ have experienced this from another INFJ, they would say to me really nice things and say like
An INFJ will say something like
‘I guess I'll keep working hard to see for myself. With amazing friends like you and the others I have no doubt that you guys have played a significant role in this journey of mine. I hope to bring as many of you along with me.🙏🏼💖🦊😊’
along with:
’aww I appreciate your support and even all the hard work you did for an objective important to you. At the end of the day, you were the one to see it through to the end so you have to give yourself some credit there. I hope you enjoy whatever and whoever you put your mind to in your journey in this life and any career you may choose for yourself.😊😁😉’
Now these 2 paragraphs and words from an INFJ they sound ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ and were sent in a group chat towards me (so others can see what she is saying) obviously using Fe here to make me feel good and to appear to others how nice she is. However what doesnt make sense is we’re not close, even though it seems nice, when i sent this person a message privately and or try to create conversations afterwards, its very platonic and like they dont care to want to get close to you, and never start any conversations basically she dont care about me, but with the words above, it looks to me like i should be a very good friend of hers? but in reality that isnt how she is treating me.
As a big difference, i would never say such things to someone whom i havent built any actual connection with or dont have plans to be close with.
In that case and realising the fakeness of it, i find Fe to be a disgusting trait.
@@Lyd-PSN I understand that you see that as a bad thing. But I would say this: please don't define this as purely 'Fe'. Maybe it's best to call it 'unhealthy Fe'. Because it has more sides. People who use Fe in a very unhealthy way might lie to say things just to be 'nice' EVEN when it is inappropriate. Then in reality they are not being nice at all. They just don't want to disrupt the 'harmony', out of fear mostly. But healthy use of Fe, is different.
Imagine 2 different scenarios. A Fe user who does NOT care. E.g. at work, ask someone 'how was your day' just to be polite. Then moves on and didn't emotionally care.
But if a Fe user who does care, asks this to a dear friend. They will listen intently to the response, if the friend says for example 'well this bad thing happened' they will ask more questions. They will use their Fe to communicate in a REAL and caring way. They will ask, 'are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you?' Because they want to know that. And they will remember, this friend is not doing well. How can I help them? This might occupy their mind for a while because they care and want to help.
That is ALSO Fe. And that's real.
An Fe user just makes a grave mistake when they don't communicate well. If they decide to lie about everything then how can they be trusted? It doesn't mean they never care. It means they put up a mask and no one knows WHEN they do or do not care anymore. And their friends (obviously) feel hurt when they said they cared, when they truly did not.
A healthy Fe user knows that they need to be honest, because otherwise it breaks trust.
So remember Fe can be used in different ways, and this depends on how healthy and developed the person is. Your friend was probably bad at communicating. But not everyone with Fe is like that.
I'm sorry it took to years to find your content. Thank you for the communication tips!!!
Nice pics
ENFP here and definitely prefer say what you have to, and get the meeting over with
I get this. It is difficult for me to show emotion or engage in the social rituals like "How was your weekend?" I would rather get down to the important topic and skip the rituals.
I am only 'fun' at parties, on the rare occasion that I attend one, if someone asks me about one of my favorite topics. Then, I tend to talk too much. But when it's just idle chitchat, I have very little to say.
Why indeed do we have to try to blend in? Not only am I an INTJ, but also autistic, so I really feel like an alien trying to pretend to be human at times.
It's very annoying because it takes a ton to go out and mingle and then people have zero interesting things to say
@@GhostofJung That's for sure
Deanna, you’re the bomb. Yes. Yes. Yes. 1,000% agree!
Thanks Shana!
First of all thank you, I genuinely mean that. Secondly, please can you make many more videos with you wife? The reason I ask is that I am an INTJ male and I am thinking of entering a relationship with an ISTJ woman. Previously I was thinking of looking for an ENFP wife but the more I consider the ISTJ the more I think she might actually 'get me'. I think maybe I might find an ENFP exhausting and watching the two of you has given me a new perspective. Thanks again!
Thats pretty cool dude. I'm the opposite. I am an ISTJ male with an INTJ wife. Married for four years now. It's definitely not exhausting, but her Ni constantly makes me reconsider how I perceive things given that her domestic function is literally my lowest one. Our Te and Fi are on par which is why we mesh so well I think.
Usually, the literature says that the INTJ and ENFP work quite well together which does tend to make sense. And I can attest to that anecdotally as well. I think ENTP would also be a natural, yet dynamic fit. ISTJ + INTJ can be at odds with their sensation and intuition functions, which would the main thing to pay attention to
@@mdona9 Te and Fi being aligned is truly special and is the main reason for a great marriage.
Do you guys have a video contrasting your types (INTJ vs ISTJ)? I was recently typed as an INTJ but the person also considered ISTJ as a secondary type. It would be cool if you guys can contrast Si and Ni.
Not yet, but this is fantastic idea. We have some other ones in the works, but let me brainstorm that and see what we can come up with!
This is fantastic exploration of Fe and lack of it for IxTJs. The older I become the more I realize the utility of it and have been trying to develop it. At best I can emulate it on surface level but to truly be constantly aware of it is nearly impossible, and I feel it will be a lot of work to have it be available to me naturally. The best advice I have is to find xSFJs or xNFJs and pay attention to how they are naturally around people with their Fe. Try to practice emulating those behaviors in simple social situations. For example at the check-out line practice using Fe and genuinely being involved in how the cashier is doing/feeling etc. In this example I chose a check-out line because the interaction time will be brief and you will not need to persist the emulation for long.
Okay, you two just made my day! I love the video and the topic, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience! It's funny, as someone who should have Fe as their second function, I still hate those empty phrases as much as you. Because that's nothing else than small talk, which I despise. I really only use my Fe with my close friends or with people that I've at least established somewhat of a personal relationship, and I only ask them how they are if I really genuinely want to know. If I sense or know that someone feels uncomfortable being asked personal stuff, I will not do it, but rather wait until they feel comfortable to share something.
Btw: Nice video intro!
Have a great day, enjoy your week, happy Wednesday, happy Friday and Weekend! (haha, just kidding, pls don't hate me!)
Thank you as always for your comment Simone! Happy Thursday 🤗
@@GhostofJung 😇🤗
Infj: Thanks for the great info on how ISTJ works. It sounds like it would be fabulous to not have to manage all these big emotions. The grass is always greener...
HAHA! As an INFJ, do you feel overwhelmed by your emotions quite often?
I think extraverted feeling (Fe) can acknowledge the introverted feeling (Fi) child function of both the INTJ and ISTJ. Our child function is very innocent because it doesn't have a counter part in the shadow, so it likes to be acknowledged and handled carefully.
You may not have Fe yourselves in your ego function stack, but believe me, you like it when other's have it. You want your sense of identity confirmed and do not want to feel bad. Folks who are concerned of other's feelings are Fe users
Damn right I want it confirmed, this is true!
Deanna I think you’re fine if you’re not being an as$ toward co-workers; I disagree with your husband on this a lot, and I’m an ENFP. I hate when people act fake. I hate it when people are *superficial, and trying to be someone they aren’t, and trying to fit into a mold.. I’d rather you or anyone be genuine & different; it makes the world more interesting. Just don’t be controlling or grade school in how you act toward people, which you don’t appear to be and I can’t see anyone having an issue. I’ve actually found male ISTJ quite attractive in their knowledge and confidence. That is my 2 cents... fwiw.
@5:50 an INTJ training anyone on emotions is a foreign thought to me! (Exclamation pt) 😂🤣
Imho, people expect ISTJ to be like this (had to edit other messages because ... didn’t proofread),
This is how i deal with fe situations, i call it drag queening. Basically, you create a caricature esfj costume that amuses your fi and you use that costume to deal with the situations. it's really fun 100/10 would recommend.
- BS/PC Si/Te
Do yous by any chance do type sessions? 😞... I want to know what I am... I was typed ISTJ and theres no way that I am!
Email me: joe@advisrenterprises.com
Intj and istj have Fe in the same spot.. so why is Deanna worse at it?
He has Se higher (example, noticing facial expressions)
There was this ESFJ ( I think) nurse that I work with. Every time she would see me she would say “ We see you! You can’t leave now!” After about the 5th time I lost my temper and said it wasn’t funny the first time a I heard it. That phrase is the only phrase that I heard my pisses me off more then “Are you working hard or hardly working?” Hr should allow free throat punches for those kind statements. Screw Amazon gift cards