When I was dating I can easily say that I was not looking for a housewife. Part of it was simple practicality. As Kristine mentioned, we live in a world that requires two incomes if you want to live something approximating a middle class life and so the idea of a wife who was going to exclusively be at home made little sense to me. Even with the cost of childcare being so high, two college educated type jobs will still come out ahead of that cost, which only lasts for five to seven years if it is only one or two kids. I suppose if you are temperamentally someone who needs a clean and pristine house then someone at home could allow that desire to happen, but you really are losing a lot of income for that “maid service” and ultimately hurts with retirement. The other thing is cultural. I come from a liberal family and was raised with feminist values… not 3rd and 4th wave feminism, but 2nd wave feminism. There is a difference there. I wouldn’t be comfortable with a trad wife. It would just be weird to have someone that would potentially be that submissive, clingy, and… well… boring. I’ve always been attracted to intellectual women who have deep thoughts and a lot of knowledge about the world, and there really does seem to be a tension between intellectualism and the trad wife movement. Still, the other cultural extreme we have today is with the independent woman. I have to admit that I found women that identified with that in a very intense way to be off putting. This is where language gets complicated. There are plenty of women who just say in passing that they are “independent” and to me it basically reads as “I have my stuff together” and so that is fine. It’s just common usage today, at least in the States. However there is that next level where it becomes much more of an identity and that becomes off putting to me. There were plenty of women’s profiles who were, I have to say, very impressive as just people. Very accomplished, very attractive, very fit, dynamic life… at least in terms of what the pictures and profile were able to present. They seemed like the total package as a human being. They were also too intimidating. What was consistent in their profiles was something to the effect of “I have a perfect life. I have a job I love, a good amount of money, friends, etc. What I want is to find the right person to be my partner to share this life with.” On a fundamental level there is nothing wrong with this sentiment, however the subtext in all of this is that need vs want dynamic, and that is what is off putting. I want, and I assume many men want, someone who you feel is going to be at your back for the rest of your life. The way these types of profiles end up coming off is that the man is replaceable if they can’t continue to “fit” into the already “perfect life” that the woman has. I know I want to be needed. I want to be wanted also, but I also want to feel that I’m indispensable in someone else's life. Not because of some weird manipulative power dynamic, but in that normal human way where we are social animals that depend on one another to get through life. When you spotlight the independent aspect of one’s life it doesn’t sound romantic or vulnerable. It amplifies the transactional nature of the relationship, which is not a head turning trait to be spotlighting.
Amazing answer and thank you for your input. We appreciate it! After all, women are the ones who beg for attention but then forget that men need and must feel loved and needed too! And relationships must be teamwork but I am afraid that nowadays, many women are in competition with their husbands or boyfriends- but why and for what? The salary thing I agree with (as I am Kristine), unfortunately again because of feminists- one salary cannot feed the family, not buy a house. I would be happy to clean the house, bake cookies, raise kids and be 100% in my femininity but because of feminists our salaries have lowered and as we are the teamwork- I must help my man and help us have a better future and I do not mind! Because it is the US against the world!
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When I was dating I can easily say that I was not looking for a housewife. Part of it was simple practicality. As Kristine mentioned, we live in a world that requires two incomes if you want to live something approximating a middle class life and so the idea of a wife who was going to exclusively be at home made little sense to me. Even with the cost of childcare being so high, two college educated type jobs will still come out ahead of that cost, which only lasts for five to seven years if it is only one or two kids. I suppose if you are temperamentally someone who needs a clean and pristine house then someone at home could allow that desire to happen, but you really are losing a lot of income for that “maid service” and ultimately hurts with retirement.
The other thing is cultural. I come from a liberal family and was raised with feminist values… not 3rd and 4th wave feminism, but 2nd wave feminism. There is a difference there. I wouldn’t be comfortable with a trad wife. It would just be weird to have someone that would potentially be that submissive, clingy, and… well… boring. I’ve always been attracted to intellectual women who have deep thoughts and a lot of knowledge about the world, and there really does seem to be a tension between intellectualism and the trad wife movement.
Still, the other cultural extreme we have today is with the independent woman. I have to admit that I found women that identified with that in a very intense way to be off putting. This is where language gets complicated. There are plenty of women who just say in passing that they are “independent” and to me it basically reads as “I have my stuff together” and so that is fine. It’s just common usage today, at least in the States.
However there is that next level where it becomes much more of an identity and that becomes off putting to me. There were plenty of women’s profiles who were, I have to say, very impressive as just people. Very accomplished, very attractive, very fit, dynamic life… at least in terms of what the pictures and profile were able to present. They seemed like the total package as a human being. They were also too intimidating. What was consistent in their profiles was something to the effect of “I have a perfect life. I have a job I love, a good amount of money, friends, etc. What I want is to find the right person to be my partner to share this life with.” On a fundamental level there is nothing wrong with this sentiment, however the subtext in all of this is that need vs want dynamic, and that is what is off putting. I want, and I assume many men want, someone who you feel is going to be at your back for the rest of your life. The way these types of profiles end up coming off is that the man is replaceable if they can’t continue to “fit” into the already “perfect life” that the woman has.
I know I want to be needed. I want to be wanted also, but I also want to feel that I’m indispensable in someone else's life. Not because of some weird manipulative power dynamic, but in that normal human way where we are social animals that depend on one another to get through life. When you spotlight the independent aspect of one’s life it doesn’t sound romantic or vulnerable. It amplifies the transactional nature of the relationship, which is not a head turning trait to be spotlighting.
Amazing answer and thank you for your input. We appreciate it! After all, women are the ones who beg for attention but then forget that men need and must feel loved and needed too! And relationships must be teamwork but I am afraid that nowadays, many women are in competition with their husbands or boyfriends- but why and for what? The salary thing I agree with (as I am Kristine), unfortunately again because of feminists- one salary cannot feed the family, not buy a house. I would be happy to clean the house, bake cookies, raise kids and be 100% in my femininity but because of feminists our salaries have lowered and as we are the teamwork- I must help my man and help us have a better future and I do not mind! Because it is the US against the world!