My cat is outgoing like a dog, but I like to think it's because the vast majority of her interactions with humans are with cat lovers who give her strong evidence that people are safe to open up to. Cats are more human than people let on.
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other. Most couples will never be naked around each other. I heard that most couples actually are not comfortable around each other, and I heard that most couples don't actually have sex due to how shy they are around each other.
@@searain1573 I don't think what you have heard is true. That may be the case with people with some mental problems, but not with the rest of the couples.
This explains why I never had a close relationship w my mother: not trustworthy, no authentic vulnerability, or acceptance of me. Excellent summary. TY.
yup.. all my longest friendships last because we can vent without judgement. even if i dont agree with her takes, i still believe in her. we shared our dark life stories and understand each other.
@@AnaPsychology I know that sometimes this is a method of letting small, mole-hill matters just go away and be forgotten. Which is fine. But not good for the bigger topics.
i get furious from people who run away bc it solves nothing and i find them super weak in their personality to not look into my face and try to find the best solution so we can both calm down quick as possible
@@moderngoblin Either you don't interact much, you're suppressing most or all negggative emotions, or maybe you've learned to dissipate any type of "Bad" emotions that you encounter very well. Let me know if maybe one of those sound close
11:15 I guess the big problem I've had with developing deeper, more intimate relationships is that sometimes it feels like nobody I meet wants to reciprocate on that level, or if they do, it's only for a short, brief window of time. Not sure what to do about that.
@@AnaPsychology On: "How well a client is able to open up to their therapist is usually indicative of how they treat intimacy outside the therapy room". How does a therapist go about encouriging this in a client? I'm a layman. I like how you explain these subjects, but in my experience you aren't given an understanding of such matters in therapy. Where you end up seems a matter of chance, almost.
3:21 that right there is what i struggle with a lot. Its hard for me to be vulnerable and ask for my own needs in any of my relationships because I was raised to be self fulfilling. Its hard to unlearn that avoidance of relying on anyone and telling people my true thoughts/feelings in order to not burden them.
I grew up not talking about my emotions or really expressing myself so when a friend of over 20 years was a mid rude to me I tried to talk to her about it but she just got defensive and it ended our friendship.
I struggle to express my needs cause i grew up being taught to learn how to be fine wirh fulfilling your own needs. That fit my personality. It's good but it wasn't balanced with learning to be comfortable with asking for your needs to be met.
6:53 my girlfriend and I had a normal language barrier misunderstanding, and she got really scared that it was a fight. I switched full gear into reassuring her and working with her to make a plan going forward if we ever have a disagreement how we will handle it. Basically a date night/ business meeting vibe.
Completely what I’ve been trying to express to my roommates! Thank you for sharing this information. I think I’m going to help it with my response to them.
I'm a little confused by the radical acceptance since it seems to conflict with authenticity. How do we handle the situation if we see the other person displaying behaviour which we might deep as self-destructive or even just something we disagree with? Do we not express to them how we truly feel, keep our opinions to ourselves, and feign acceptance? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here.
If it’s something illegal or it goes against your morals or core beliefs then I would just say leave. But if it’s something like they’re not studying when they know they have a huge test coming up and they only start the morning of the test. I feel like that’s where the radical acceptance comes in at. For me at least.
Great video! Akiflow is exactly what I need! I will check it out. I have been reading about the Shadow, however, your explanation helped me to understand the concept! Thank you dearly!
Hey Ana!! I really like your videos and I usually don't comment but I was wondering if there could be spanish subtitles for some of your vids, since I wanna send them to some of my friends but they don't understand english 😅
Hi. I love your videos, keep doing them. I'm really interested in this topic and haven't found much information realted aside from you. Is there any book to learn more about it? Greetings from Argentina
At 9:21 you said you would never tell a friend what they are doing is immoral , I thought a good friend would speak their truth and make their friend better, I’m not saying shame them but, I am saying that you can’t let your friend make bad decisions, amoral decisions and continue their life like that a friend wants what’s best for you and if telling you the harsh truth means telling them what their doing is bad then so be it . What are your thoughts on this?
What if I can't meet a certain expectation or need of this person but I still love them and want to get emotionally intimate anyway? I'm asking this because you said that communicating your needs and NOT getting the need fulfilled back will bring you apart. You also said that we need to accept the totality of the other person. But what if there's a big disagreement that, even if you accept their position, leads you to not be able to fulfill their need?
I'm wondering how one would begin to build emotional intimacy if you have difficulty trusting people. I don't think I've ever been able to fully trust someone, even people I consider close friends and have been friends with for years. Would risking vulnerability even if you don't fully trust someone help build this up? I know I'm scared of getting hurt and growing even more distant and mistrustful of others, but sometimes my fears also feel paranoid and irrational :( This is actually why I love dogs more, I really admire their ability to trust people quickly
Thank you for your video Dr. Yudin. I have a question about the relationship between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. I've seen an author state that the increase in the former decreases the latter; is this consistent with your experience/research you're familiar with? Thank you. PS. I've left the name of the author out to not make it about them, but about what they've stated.
I strongly disagree with that author! In most cases, emotional intimacy increases sexual desire, unless the person in question is anxious-avoidant in their attachment style.
I have a question! What if me and my partner are always vulnerable around each other, but never end up fighting because we just sort of *understand* each other and dont really feel burdened or in conflict with one another, or any less in love? I already talked to my gf about how we can handle conflicts in a mature way, but i'm still worried about being 100% sure its not going to harm my relationship or being sure we can mend it if anything happens
@@Portia620then live a lie now and later regret the time you wasted living a lie. for some people, they don't realize this until it's too late to change it, i.e. they've run out of time. listening to yourself now sounds a lot better doesn't it?
Hello Dr. Ana, I’ve commented on a TikTok already this same exact message but anyways, okay. I am currently having a rough situation in a relationship and I’ve seen some of your videos on UA-cam. I really want to figure this situation out and get through it with my partner but I’m not sure how to go on about it. You are really insightful and it’d be appreciated if i could get some help
It would be so amazing if you could consider making a video on RSD. I'm highly sensitive and neurotypical but I'm 99 % convinced that I have RSD. However, most of the RSD content on UA-cam seems to be directed at neurodivergent communities.
Thanks for the thought-provoking subject matter, Ana. Would you say that admonishing a partner against faux pas, with the intention of protecting them and/or helping them grow as individuals, is always bound to impede intimacy? Or should we always allow those we love to make mistakes, regardless of perceived risks?
As with anything in psychology, context and nuance are important. There are definitely times when expressing room for improvement can further the other person's development, and I think it can be done in a compassionate way that preserves intimacy. :)
If you think earning a cat’s trust is difficult, try making a Chihuahua trust you. This Chihuahua lives with me for over a decade, and she still hates my guts. Even after I saved her life twice! 😂
Interesting video! However, I think it missed some examples. I believe some of the points you made needed examples because they could easily be misinterpreted or applied inappropriately. For instance, when you said to accept the other person as a whole, some might take this as a reason to accept things that shouldn’t be acceptable. Also, when you mentioned not judging a person for thoughts or actions that might be morally wrong, there are obviously limits to this (e.g. I personally believe that you *should* judge a friend if they do something like cheating on their partner) which might not be clear to everyone. So it would have been very useful if you had provided examples of what you do mean and do NOT mean by this advice.
I would not judge a friend for cheating on their partner; I would try to understand them and treat them with the same compassion I hope they would afford me when I make a big mistake. The only situation that would cross a line for me is any form of abuse or violence.
@@AnaPsychology but can’t cheating be a tool for emotional abuse. And wouldn’t infidelity also technically be morally wrong (especially in marriage) because they’re breaking a promise
Thank you for saying that "if you and your partner never fight... all couples fight, that´s normal and good" is a bunch of bullshit!!!!!! People are just normalizing toxicity in relationships.
Hi Ana, you mentioned you wanted more work life balance in your life right now. if you are interested in hiring an video/thumbnail editor (if you don't have one already), I would love to get in contact with you!
Your videos have slowly made me realize I'll never make it work with my wife. I don't wanna give up, but even more so I don't want her to waste her life with me.
@user-sf5iq2fl1l you think you know more than a Doctor of Clinical Psychology? Step down from your pedestal, and get some confidence that isn't solely rooted in looks or superiority.
I disagree with your sentiment, and this has nothing to do with what's being discussed on the video. But be honest with yourself, would you choose a woman who is ugly? I bet not. It's often men who are way more superficial in terms of women's looks. There are many, many women who choose men who are not typically attractive, more so than men do. But I know something that is definitely a turn-off for many women - a shitty personality.
🚀 Take control of your schedule and boost your productivity with time-blocking! Try Akiflow today: bit.ly/ana-free-trial
Hi love your videos.
Can you do a video on how to be a supportive partner to someone with mental illness ?
this is so fire ! i just switched about a week ago myself and seeing that you have as well is immensely cool
I have not had a job in 24 years. I do envision becoming useful again. This product may be helpful.
@@sonicrocks2007can you help me with my homework please.
My cat is outgoing like a dog, but I like to think it's because the vast majority of her interactions with humans are with cat lovers who give her strong evidence that people are safe to open up to. Cats are more human than people let on.
That's so sweet :')
Mine is the same, he has no survival instinct. Anyone could walk through my front door and he’s purring and jumping up on their lap immediately haha
Cats are more sentient and socially aware than people let on.
About this - 8:10 - A strong relationship requires choosing to love each other even in those moments when you struggle to like each other.
I have a question. How comfortable are most couples actually are with each other? I heard that most couples are actually shy around each other and don't like getting naked around each other, so they avoid getting naked around each other. Most couples will never be naked around each other.
I heard that most couples actually are not comfortable around each other, and I heard that most couples don't actually have sex due to how shy they are around each other.
@@searain1573 I don't think what you have heard is true. That may be the case with people with some mental problems, but not with the rest of the couples.
@@Hri100_5rov I don't think romantic love is real.
@@searain1573 It is real, but is very rare, probably less than 5% of people in relationship experience true love.
This explains why I never had a close relationship w my mother: not trustworthy, no authentic vulnerability, or acceptance of me. Excellent summary. TY.
yup.. all my longest friendships last because we can vent without judgement. even if i dont agree with her takes, i still believe in her. we shared our dark life stories and understand each other.
My idea of conflict resolution is avoiding people until they forget we had a problem.
Does that work for you? (I realize this sounds sarcastic but I promise I am not intending it that way, I'm genuinely curious)
@@AnaPsychology I know that sometimes this is a method of letting small, mole-hill matters just go away and be forgotten. Which is fine. But not good for the bigger topics.
i get furious from people who run away bc it solves nothing and i find them super weak in their personality to not look into my face and try to find the best solution so we can both calm down quick as possible
@@moderngoblin Either you don't interact much, you're suppressing most or all negggative emotions, or maybe you've learned to dissipate any type of "Bad" emotions that you encounter very well. Let me know if maybe one of those sound close
My mother, who I am now fully no contact with, also utilizes that strategy. Just sayin
The cat/dog analogy made me giggle because people in my life have described me as like a cat in the same way as the analogy illustrates.
11:15 I guess the big problem I've had with developing deeper, more intimate relationships is that sometimes it feels like nobody I meet wants to reciprocate on that level, or if they do, it's only for a short, brief window of time. Not sure what to do about that.
Relatable. These people are few and far between.
Too many scared to be real!!! Too weak! My thoughts! I do see it’s a ton to lose also but life is a gamble!
Because people suck
same here. i'm wondering if i'm subconsciously choosing people that i feel won't like me, or if society has really gotten that shallow.
same
im just now realizing how much of this happens in therapy, even though the relationship with a therapist is a bit different
Absolutely! How well a client is able to open up to their therapist is usually indicative of how they treat intimacy outside the therapy room
@@AnaPsychology On: "How well a client is able to open up to their therapist is usually indicative of how they treat intimacy outside the therapy room". How does a therapist go about encouriging this in a client? I'm a layman. I like how you explain these subjects, but in my experience you aren't given an understanding of such matters in therapy. Where you end up seems a matter of chance, almost.
Love that I’m learning these lessons in my mid 30s hahaha better late than never
30s is definitely not too late! I don't know that it ever is too late :)
I’m learning in my 60’s.
1:00 by nature of being somebody that I’ve chosen to trust
3:42 wow this person trusts me enough to be vulnerable by expressing a need
Thanks!
Thank you!!
3:21 that right there is what i struggle with a lot. Its hard for me to be vulnerable and ask for my own needs in any of my relationships because I was raised to be self fulfilling. Its hard to unlearn that avoidance of relying on anyone and telling people my true thoughts/feelings in order to not burden them.
I grew up not talking about my emotions or really expressing myself so when a friend of over 20 years was a mid rude to me I tried to talk to her about it but she just got defensive and it ended our friendship.
Not your fault
@@mwashington6 thanks ;)
I struggle to express my needs cause i grew up being taught to learn how to be fine wirh fulfilling your own needs. That fit my personality. It's good but it wasn't balanced with learning to be comfortable with asking for your needs to be met.
6:53 my girlfriend and I had a normal language barrier misunderstanding, and she got really scared that it was a fight. I switched full gear into reassuring her and working with her to make a plan going forward if we ever have a disagreement how we will handle it. Basically a date night/ business meeting vibe.
Completely what I’ve been trying to express to my roommates! Thank you for sharing this information. I think I’m going to help it with my response to them.
Hearing more about the shadow self would be nice! Thank you. :)
This is one of the best videos I've ever seen. Thank you so much!
I'm a little confused by the radical acceptance since it seems to conflict with authenticity. How do we handle the situation if we see the other person displaying behaviour which we might deep as self-destructive or even just something we disagree with? Do we not express to them how we truly feel, keep our opinions to ourselves, and feign acceptance? Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here.
I think this is a good question
Does acceptance mean agreement?
You can accept that something is happening without agreeing with it
If it’s something illegal or it goes against your morals or core beliefs then I would just say leave. But if it’s something like they’re not studying when they know they have a huge test coming up and they only start the morning of the test. I feel like that’s where the radical acceptance comes in at. For me at least.
Can you talk about how to convince myself to be open to a relationship if i think my current self shouldn't be on a relationship? Love your videos!
Thank you for sharing. That was so helpful.
You’re wonderful ❤
Appreciate your take on this! Great advice.
So I’m doing it right. Nice
Awesome advice❤😊
💪 I'm very proud of myself: I failed before step 1. There are no trustworthy people.
Great video! Akiflow is exactly what I need! I will check it out. I have been reading about the Shadow, however, your explanation helped me to understand the concept! Thank you dearly!
I have a more in-depth video on the shadow/persona polarity coming in the next few weeks! :)
Great videos🎉 thanks for sharing
I just found your channel and has been a blessing thanks so much for your effort and for sharing your knowlage, grettings from Mexico City. Laura
Hey Ana!! I really like your videos and I usually don't comment but I was wondering if there could be spanish subtitles for some of your vids, since I wanna send them to some of my friends but they don't understand english 😅
Muchas gracias! Lo siento, no tengo los recursos por subtitulos en español en este momento :(
Do you have any tips for dealing with PNES and chronic fatigue as well CPTSD?
Hi. I love your videos, keep doing them. I'm really interested in this topic and haven't found much information realted aside from you. Is there any book to learn more about it?
Greetings from Argentina
Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’d be curious to hear about the dropout point of friendship
A doctor just used the word copium in a sentence correctly. I love this generation 😂❤
I think I operate like a cat mentally to protect the traumatized dog that dwells within me. Both are authentic I believe and necessary.
THANK YOU
Yes accept the shadow very hard
Step 1 have same sense of humor and interests
Thank you anna
thanks i need this
You must accept the light AND the DARK side?
"I've learned a terrible truth. I think Dr. Ana is a sith lord"
50 seconds in and ... that's a lot of doors. OK, now to watch the rest of the video!
At 9:21 you said you would never tell a friend what they are doing is immoral , I thought a good friend would speak their truth and make their friend better, I’m not saying shame them but, I am saying that you can’t let your friend make bad decisions, amoral decisions and continue their life like that a friend wants what’s best for you and if telling you the harsh truth means telling them what their doing is bad then so be it . What are your thoughts on this?
Watched this and everything you said I agree with. Too bad I broke up with him already
What if I can't meet a certain expectation or need of this person but I still love them and want to get emotionally intimate anyway?
I'm asking this because you said that communicating your needs and NOT getting the need fulfilled back will bring you apart.
You also said that we need to accept the totality of the other person. But what if there's a big disagreement that, even if you accept their position, leads you to not be able to fulfill their need?
I'm wondering how one would begin to build emotional intimacy if you have difficulty trusting people. I don't think I've ever been able to fully trust someone, even people I consider close friends and have been friends with for years. Would risking vulnerability even if you don't fully trust someone help build this up? I know I'm scared of getting hurt and growing even more distant and mistrustful of others, but sometimes my fears also feel paranoid and irrational :( This is actually why I love dogs more, I really admire their ability to trust people quickly
Love you 💓
Thank you for your video Dr. Yudin. I have a question about the relationship between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. I've seen an author state that the increase in the former decreases the latter; is this consistent with your experience/research you're familiar with? Thank you. PS. I've left the name of the author out to not make it about them, but about what they've stated.
I strongly disagree with that author! In most cases, emotional intimacy increases sexual desire, unless the person in question is anxious-avoidant in their attachment style.
@@AnaPsychologyThank you!!
I have a question!
What if me and my partner are always vulnerable around each other, but never end up fighting because we just sort of *understand* each other and dont really feel burdened or in conflict with one another, or any less in love?
I already talked to my gf about how we can handle conflicts in a mature way, but i'm still worried about being 100% sure its not going to harm my relationship or being sure we can mend it if anything happens
What if I don't know what I need, or what I want?
😂😂.
@@Dimitris_Halfugh!!! Do we really need to listen!!!!!???? What if we don’t like the answers
ok work on urself first
@@Portia620then live a lie now and later regret the time you wasted living a lie. for some people, they don't realize this until it's too late to change it, i.e. they've run out of time. listening to yourself now sounds a lot better doesn't it?
@@saltyriz7734what does that mean?
You’re good
Unconditional acceptance. Sounds like I have to start their. I've been on an deisolation journey,
Impossible with an emotionally unavailable person😢
Hello Dr. Ana, I’ve commented on a TikTok already this same exact message but anyways, okay. I am currently having a rough situation in a relationship and I’ve seen some of your videos on UA-cam. I really want to figure this situation out and get through it with my partner but I’m not sure how to go on about it. You are really insightful and it’d be appreciated if i could get some help
It would be so amazing if you could consider making a video on RSD. I'm highly sensitive and neurotypical but I'm 99 % convinced that I have RSD. However, most of the RSD content on UA-cam seems to be directed at neurodivergent communities.
What should I do if I trust someone and they're telling things to people I don't trust?
Tell them u don't like it at all
figure out why they're talking to people you don't trust. you could be trusting the wrong person
Can Akiflow generate intimacy?
Thanks for the thought-provoking subject matter, Ana. Would you say that admonishing a partner against faux pas, with the intention of protecting them and/or helping them grow as individuals, is always bound to impede intimacy? Or should we always allow those we love to make mistakes, regardless of perceived risks?
As with anything in psychology, context and nuance are important. There are definitely times when expressing room for improvement can further the other person's development, and I think it can be done in a compassionate way that preserves intimacy. :)
If you think earning a cat’s trust is difficult, try making a Chihuahua trust you. This Chihuahua lives with me for over a decade, and she still hates my guts. Even after I saved her life twice! 😂
I’m down with vulnerability bro
I want this so badly with someone that it hurts...
and I am so sick of people telling me that there is something wrong with me for that "are you sure it isn't just your psychosis" ugh...
Welp....time to take some notes ✍️✍️✍️✍️
Haha yess
not me watching all of your relationship's videos but i have never been in one and i am not even able to get past the first date..
Interesting video! However, I think it missed some examples. I believe some of the points you made needed examples because they could easily be misinterpreted or applied inappropriately. For instance, when you said to accept the other person as a whole, some might take this as a reason to accept things that shouldn’t be acceptable. Also, when you mentioned not judging a person for thoughts or actions that might be morally wrong, there are obviously limits to this (e.g. I personally believe that you *should* judge a friend if they do something like cheating on their partner) which might not be clear to everyone. So it would have been very useful if you had provided examples of what you do mean and do NOT mean by this advice.
I would not judge a friend for cheating on their partner; I would try to understand them and treat them with the same compassion I hope they would afford me when I make a big mistake. The only situation that would cross a line for me is any form of abuse or violence.
@@AnaPsychology but can’t cheating be a tool for emotional abuse. And wouldn’t infidelity also technically be morally wrong (especially in marriage) because they’re breaking a promise
Thank you for saying that "if you and your partner never fight... all couples fight, that´s normal and good" is a bunch of bullshit!!!!!! People are just normalizing toxicity in relationships.
forrrr real
Yay! For once, I'm early
i use ipostal too haha
Hi Ana, you mentioned you wanted more work life balance in your life right now. if you are interested in hiring an video/thumbnail editor (if you don't have one already), I would love to get in contact with you!
A
Your videos have slowly made me realize I'll never make it work with my wife. I don't wanna give up, but even more so I don't want her to waste her life with me.
❤❤❤
You cut your hair!!
I’m naturally more like a dog tho
Just trust people and be vulnerable? oh is it that easy? LMAO. I'm teasing. You never said it would be easy. The best things take practice sometimes
🥹🥹🥹
Where are u from pretty? educated ladies struggle to find love am here your crush
1-dont be ugly
Not related in the slightest
@@AnaPsychology that is very bluepilled
@user-sf5iq2fl1l you think you know more than a Doctor of Clinical Psychology?
Step down from your pedestal, and get some confidence that isn't solely rooted in looks or superiority.
I disagree with your sentiment, and this has nothing to do with what's being discussed on the video. But be honest with yourself, would you choose a woman who is ugly? I bet not. It's often men who are way more superficial in terms of women's looks. There are many, many women who choose men who are not typically attractive, more so than men do. But I know something that is definitely a turn-off for many women - a shitty personality.
Why would that be relevant?