The disenfranchised grief of involuntary childlessness - Jody Day
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- Опубліковано 4 бер 2021
- A talk for 'Grief: A Study of Human Emotional Experience' - a 4-year AHRC-funded project at the Department of Philosophy, University of York - by Jody Day.
The overarching aim of 'Grief: A Study of Human Emotional Experience' is to develop a detailed, wide-ranging, and integrated account of what it is to experience grief, focusing on aspects of grief that are of considerable theoretical and practical importance but remain poorly understood.
Talk Abstract:
On average, one in five women in the developed world is reaching midlife without children, 90 per cent of those not by choice, with the greater part of them childless by ‘circumstance’ rather than infertility. There are similar, if not greater numbers of childless men too. Yet despite these figures (which often come as a surprise to many), the experience of involuntary childlessness is a silent one and the non-death grief of childlessness is often missed or dismissed by grievers themselves, their families and communities, and often, sadly, by the helping professionals around them too. The grief of involuntary childlessness is a form of what Doka (1989) termed ‘disenfranchised grief’ - a grief which is not socially recognised or acceptable. In this talk, psychotherapist, author and childless campaigner Jody Day, who has worked individually and online with thousands of childless women over the last decade through her organisation ‘Gateway Women’, will share what she has learned about how to understand, support and advocate for those grieving this ‘living loss’.
To find out about our project visit our website: www.griefyork.com/
Follow us on twitter: @griefyork
Find out more about Gateway Women: gateway-women.com/
Follow Jody on Twitter: @gatewaywomen
CNBC man age 37, married 13 years. It's brutal, sickeningly brutal. Daily grieving the death of a person you know would have loved you unconditionally. Worse? I teach a fathering class at work, only one licensed to be able to so I have to. Feel like a fraud, disgusting, unworthy. Less than.
I grief in silence everyday … for the child I never had. Those around me don’t have a clue,care nor emphasize . Been told I was lucky , have no worries, why don’t you adopt? No one ever asked me are you ok ! The cruelest experience was at work - Friday before Mother’s Day - the entire office were given flowers - I was excluded - I was not a mother therefore I was not given flowers. Painful and cruel something I never forget. The offices would emphasize with someone trying to get a second pregnancy- never understood they were already blessed with a child once . My husband endured the same - his coworkers would ask jokingly if he was shooting blanks! I could go on and on …. I am lucky to be born in a culture that doesn’t shun childless woman for that I’m great full. Thank you for the inspirational words Jodie!
Wonderful talk Jody. As I get older I have come to terms with this, but I feel alone as women,including my 90 year old mothe, doesn’t understand while she brags about my brothers children to me. Thank you for this,
I couldn't have managed infertility without you.....you have changed my life....I hold my head high in work because of u xxx
I am so grateful for Jody's work.
As a childless woman by circumstance from India, I don’t know what I would’ve done without Jody’s book and guidance. Thank you. This was both, informative and moving,
I'm from Africa myself. My heart goes out to you. Our cultures place even more emphasis on marriage and children. Glad women can support each other around the world! Hugs.
I'm so glad Jody addressed the issue of women not having children due to illness and so forth. As she said, it's very maternal to delay/avoid childbearing if circumstances aren't right. One of the most motherly, nurturing things a person can do in fact. Society doesn't give such people nearly enough thanks. I've suffered trauma and mental health struggles. I haven't been able to meet a man with whom to have children. It might look like a choice from the outside, but it hasn't remotely been so.
Admitting that humans have a fundamental desire to create a family, and that not fulfilling that is a source of grief, is brave in a world where antinatalist nihilism and postmodernist "social biology" dominate the conversation. And I can't thank you enough for choosing to mention that yes- men want to be parents, too!
Tremendous lecture. Powerful and eloquent. Jody's compassionate description encompasses so many experiences and there will be many, many people who relate to it.
Jody, thank you for all that you do for the childless community. This was wonderful. ❤
When this loss is combined by other losses , life is not easy
Jody i feel so proud of you and what you have created with gateway women! Having been through a reignite weekend with you i know first hand the enormity, profundity and positivity of the healing your work provides. I applaud you and all us gateway women for pushing the subject of the grief around childnessness into the public consciousness.
just listening again... needs constant re sharing
Thankyou Jody, for your work in not only establishing our Gateway Community but for leading us through the Gateway and out into Society as a community....I cannot personally expresss how much this means to me .... Your Voice is our Voice ..... and our voices are ones that will speak to the World .... I never thought this day would come
Thank you for sharing your hopes. So proud to be a part of Gateway Women.
Thank you Jody. I badly needed those words 😢
Incredibly iluminating Lecture - just sensationa. thank you Jody Day
Jody, you are so brave and give so many of us a glimmer of hope for a better life. Thank you for all your work.
I’m so glad I found this lecture and listened in its entirety. I feel seen and validated. I came across your blog a few years ago now and that is how I recognized that I was grieving. It made so much sense. It was a lightbulb moment for sure. Thank you for the work you’re doing.
This was an absolutely amazing lecture! It captured exactly what I am going through as a cancer survivor. I am looking forward to reading more of your work!
You're a god send Jodie 😇 you really are an advocate for women without children.
I am so grateful for Jody and her work. So grateful.
Wow. I’m a childless trans woman and it hurts. It’s just as bad for me as it is for anyone else. People are usually insensitive, they tell me if I wanted a child I shouldn’t be trans but it doesn’t work like that. It makes me so happy that I was acknowledged here. Especially when you said you’re feminist I was expecting you to be terf. But I need support so much I’d stay regardless. But wow you made me so happy acknowledging me 🥹
Thank you SO much. ♥️
Completely agree with a Big black hole in therapists diagnostic on this. I am a psychologist myself ans would probably have missed it if i had not been though this myself. Big lesson for future practice.
Brilliant lecture. Great job Jody.
Thank you Jody.
Amazing, thanks; I needed validation by hearing it all.
thank you
The grief is deep and painful even if you have a child or more and or you want more but unable to. This is overly underestimated too!!! My husband and I couldn’t agree on the 2nd and I didn’t want to break up the family I already have but the internal pain is unbearable and I’ve been carrying it for way too long 😪😪😪
Yes, I think all women longing for a child or children, and who are dealing with not having them, are equally deserving of compassion, regardless of the reasons. My circumstances are different, I wanted to have children, but trauma and mental health struggles prevented me meeting a partner and so on. It's given me empathy for anyone struggling, regardless of the circumstances. Sending love to you x