Repression and denial!!! 😅 I never had any problems with a male body or living as a man. But once I started thinking about "Yeah, but what do you REALLY want?" and that it was ok to want things that might lead down the slippery slope to transition... I spent half my life knowing I had transgender tendencies, but also really wanting to NOT be trans.
I was more on the neutral side. Never felt anything particularly bad about my body, but just didn't feel very connected to it. My meat vessel did a decent job at that. But, I'd occasionally fantasize about having a woman's body, which, of course, was just a hypothetical that was never going to happen. But the thoughts about that eventually got stronger and stronger, and, when I finally bit the bullet, had HRT and saw the changes it caused, I noticed I, for the first time, admired my body, saw myself as beautiful and cute and felt so happy staring at the mirror.
I was actually very surprised to find that, after accepting I was trans and beginning to actively transition, I experienced physical dysphoria differently than before ... my chest began to bother me while my genitals kinda stopped bothering me ... if I were younger and concerned with dating, I might consider bottom surgery, but all I really want now is top surgery. FYI, began transition at 50 ... so that has a lot to do with it i'm sure.
Why not? It is great that you found out! I experienced the same. Knowing it changes a lot but didn´t only. My personal goal was to find myself. Regardless what it would turn out into. As long as you live I think you have the right to live your life as best as possible. We always need to change something for it.
@@chloe-sunshine7 I just meant that as long as you live we are in need of changes. What those are doesn´t matter. You decide that. It is meant general. Some people are dead with 60 and just wait for death. Others still change things and are fully alive with 80. Changes shows you are alive and not dead. Hope it answers your question.
@@KayS.-dese I was referring to the first sentence in your first comment. You said, “Why not?” and from my perspective, it’s not clear what you’re asking.
Thanks for all your vlogs Dr. Z. I began coming out at 47. Definitely in the 'repressed' camp. As a kid, I was teased constantly about being effeminate. Became angry and insecure, learned how to project being tough and masc. Always monitoring how I walk and talk to make sure it didn't come across as feminine. My femme side started leaking out again in my mid 30s but it took many more years to really acknowledge it. I have some physical dysphoria but not genital. I'm also still very early in my transition.
As usual, Dr Z, you nailed it. As I've started socially transitioning and started HRT, I've started having actual feelings about my body, mostly discomfort
Thank you Dr. Z. I've been in the third group most of my life. Between the ages of six and 18, my parents gave me a psychological trauma mixed with homophobia and transphobia, due to the presence of a man, our neighbor, who dressed as a woman at night. This was in the 70s and 80s. Until my late 30s, I was in the third group, with long cycles of depression/normality that lasted about 2 to 4 years. In these cycles I went from 276lb to 163lb and back to 276lb. I'm 75.59in. At the age of 40, tired and worn out, I overcame the transphobia and began to study the subject, including the first videos by Dr. Z. Shortly afterwards I moved into group one. I realized that the depression was gender dysphoria. I started having social dysphoria too. After a few years, I started having dissociation. Today, in my 50s, I know what I am, I'm sure of who I am. The weight fluctuation is a little less, but the cycles continue. Understanding the origin of the pain doesn't diminish it. I have no hope of a gender transition, nor of letting off steam with someone who understands the situation.
As someone who didn't figure out I was trans until my mid 40s, I appreciate you bringing up the age thing. I think if someone had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said neutral. Or that I hate my entire body. Tons of repression. I have terrible posture, because once my chest developed, my mother taught me to stand straight, and pointed out that would make my breasts look better or bigger or something. I'm pretty sure my immediate response was to slouch back down. And I've been slouching ever since, until I bought my first binder. But after 30 some odd years, it's a hard habit to break. So it was definitely dysphoria, but I had no terms in the 80s, no frame of reference.
Another awesone video. I wish the MHPs on youtube for CPTSD were half as good as you. Something Ive noticed in my beginning stages of transition are "fundamental shifts". I do have CPTSD from severe sexual abuse. I have done a lot of work with that. Always progressing and learning though. Often in the times of greater dysphoria I do question if my feelings, thoughts and desires of who I am are being directed by my CPTSD. But what these fundamental shifts are telling me that it is barely if at all. Ive only experienced a few fundamental shifts. The first was so slight it was hard to notice as anything more than a mood. Which makes me think I may have felt them even earlier. As each one is stronger than the last. People with CPTSD who do trauma therapy often experience a change in their mind as they heal. Suddenly you find yourself feeling like the person behind your eyes is different. More whole. More clear. With my work on being trans I experience something similar but different. You suddenly find yourself feeling a little more confident. A little more clear. And the most important part, a little more you. The second to last one felt stronger than the previous one. The one I just had was a lot more strong than the last one. I can really feel myself shifting into my core personality. I felt more whole. I started remembering a lot of the messages my core used to send me. It explained a lot. This is why I call them fundamental shifts. They are shifts in my fundamental personality to be more of who I was born as. And it feels wonderful. Imagine who you are as a person was driven into the back of your mind. You have to create a new personality to deal with life. All the while the core personality watches life go by as you be someone else. The pain. The loss. The mourning of each moment passing while being a stranger. You live your life being someone else and who you are is forced back. Its is terrible. I know I am not number 1. I am very probably number 2. I dont hate my body or genitals but I dont care about them and often dislike them. By what I know so far, if I do HRT I will come to hate my genitals and need bottom surgery. Not 100% sure but strongly confident. My core wants the surgery now. I am not number 3. I have spent the last several years digging through every memory, belief, supposition, concept,....little remains unchallenged. I know my core personality is female. Now that I am looking into it, it couldnt be more obvious.
Before I started addressing my gender issues I used to have those recurring fantasies of either my brain being transplanted into a prosthetic robotic body, or lying somewhere comatose while my prain is operating a robotic body remotely. In those fantasies I didn't feel like I've really lost anything essential. That's how disconected from my physicality I was on the regular.
I was definitely neutral right before my egg cracked. I had been SA'd as a minor and so I spent over a decade trying to love my body. On top of that I was raised by feminists that taught me women can do everything a man can (I'm AFAB). I'm still not sure if I'm non-binary or male. I knew I wanted top surgery before I knew what that was (as in I wanted to get breast cancer surgery 😅). It took over a year of HRT for me to crack my genital dysphoria and realize that I want phalloplasty. It's been annoying to try to sift through my true gender feels but I have faith that I will figure it out.
Hi, first of all I am so sorry that you were SA’d as a child. So as I. Truthfully, I have been nervous because something happened with me and a parent and I sort of “blocked it out“ or “put it on a shelf“ in my mind. Sometimes I worry that that means I’m not actually trans. The thing is though, I’m 35 now, and I am on hormones and I’ve been on them for seven months. I like that I’m feminizing. I like the fact that I wear dresses. I like the fact that I’m wearing make up. I do have gender dysphoria. My hands, my feet, my broad shoulders. I guess what I wanna ask you is how do you know that you’re trans and this isn’t just a trauma response? To be clear, I believe you when you tell me that you’re trans, I just want to know for myself how I can know for sure that I’m not some imposter.
@@msorn3It’s completely normal for a trans person to feel imposter syndrome. Unfortunately the only person who can tell you if you’re trans or not is you. Although, if you work with a gender specialized therapist, they should be able to help you ask yourself the right questions if you’re still struggling. Now in my personal opinion, it sounds like you’ve taken some steps on your transition, and they’ve brought you happiness. I’d say that’s a big green flag that you might be on the right track 🩷
I'm rolling thru your categories like stages. I'm now getting close to joining group one. Since the repression door started cracking open, Ive been playing poker against gender dysphoria. I take a small step, gender dysphoria says 'Ill see your cute little affirmation, and raise you this dysphoria!'. Honestly, it feels like the sub-conscience part of my mind is trying to push the conscience part to move faster then I'm comfortable with. Very surreal experience in of itself.
The insights this Doctor shares in these short videos has helped me. I have been unraveling my own gender for 5 decades,only to be enlightened by this empathic soul. You should be teaching the master class Dr. Z to anyone entering the gender field
Before I realized I was trans I tried to like my body, but no matter what I did I just kind of felt mhhe about it. There wasn't a real intense discomfort just indifference. Except my face, I was always uncomfortable how it looked. I hated short hair and beard shadow. I think part of the reason for this is I got lucky with many of my body features so they just were not causing dysphoria. I'm relatively short 5'6" and have relatively narrow shoulders and wide hips. I'm positive if I didn't have these features I would have had that same mild discomfort about my face. Once my egg cracked that mild feeling became so intense as everything suddenly surfaced. I'm still dysphoric about my face 30% of time but hrt is amazing. Oddly before and right after my egg cracked I didn't have any botton dysphoria. But now I'd say I have a mild discomfort with certain types of clothing. For so long I thought I couldn't possibly be trans because I didn't hate my genitals. I thought being trans was for other people (which in hind sight is both rude and sad for myself) only I wanted to be a girl. I makes me sad I held off for so long because of a misconception and fear. Now I get to live a girl and it's just amazing. Can you imagine actually like taking pictures of yourself. I couldn't before, now I love it. I'm so happy I get to enjoy my body.
For the longest time, I felt very apathic to my body. I kinda thought it was about my weight (to some extent it was, but wasn't the root cause). The most discomfort I would feel was with my hairline and body hair, but I never put too much effort thinking why it bothered me. After learning what dysphoria is, and after realizing I'm trans, things started to make sense. I'm not on HRT yet, but the few 'feminine' things I adopted to my day-to-day were enough to give me a big contrast of what euphoria is. Now that the gap is bigger, in some bad days, dysphoria hits hard. I was always a little indifferent with genitals, but after a few weeks of allowing myself to be me, there are some weeks I kinda can't look to what is down there. These feelings come and go, and the more I imagine having nothing there, the more euphoric it feels. Not sure yet if bottom surgery is for me, but well, one step at the time hahaha!
Found this channel just recently. Good informations. In dreams I jump often between bodies of man and woman (writing and imagination is my passion). I discovered that I felt as a man everything more intense. In a woman´s body like I watch a stranger. But there is more. By talking with others I found something else. Often your anatomy shows what you have inside. Like your real self. I found that with hand dominance. It is minor but those things exist. Even with hypersensitivity. It may mean not much but with all other points really interesting. Ist there anything about that that someone knows about it?
Once I started to explore my gender I started to have dysphoria. Before that my internalized transphobia prevented me from exploring my gender. I did not have dysphoria. I did have this nagging feeling that I wanted to know what it was like to live as the opposite gender. That feeling was with me as far back as I can remember. Even once my dysphoria was conscious, I did nothing about it for many years and even repressed any inclination I had to transition. It was just so hard in the nineties to do something about your gender identity when it conflicted with your birth gender. There was so much transphobia and shame, not to mention trans care still was in its infancy. But, twenty-five years later things had changed including my life circumstances. The dam broke. I started transitioning. Even now however, I struggle with the sense of how can I be trans if I spent so many years living as a man. I am somewhere between Dr. Z's second and third categories. Frankly, however, I have started to avoid other people's explanations of what it means to be trans and focus more on my individual experience. We can get lost in terminology that forces us to think of ourselves narrowly. It can be challenging to separate what is scientifically true and what is made up by anecdotal experience. Even what seems scientific can be a manipulation of making connections based on what seems like reasonable insights. What to accept as truth is often a challenge.
When I think about why I want bottom surgery, I just think about how nice it would be for the noise to finally stop. That's all. I just want peace. I guess I'm in the first group, with more severe-ish dysphoria.
Not having had any sexual trauma is not the same thing as having no memory of a sexual trauma. Some traumas can be forgotten, either because of the very low age of the victim or as a reaction fron the brain to the trauma itself.
Repression and denial!!! 😅
I never had any problems with a male body or living as a man.
But once I started thinking about "Yeah, but what do you REALLY want?" and that it was ok to want things that might lead down the slippery slope to transition...
I spent half my life knowing I had transgender tendencies, but also really wanting to NOT be trans.
I was more on the neutral side. Never felt anything particularly bad about my body, but just didn't feel very connected to it. My meat vessel did a decent job at that. But, I'd occasionally fantasize about having a woman's body, which, of course, was just a hypothetical that was never going to happen. But the thoughts about that eventually got stronger and stronger, and, when I finally bit the bullet, had HRT and saw the changes it caused, I noticed I, for the first time, admired my body, saw myself as beautiful and cute and felt so happy staring at the mirror.
I was actually very surprised to find that, after accepting I was trans and beginning to actively transition, I experienced physical dysphoria differently than before ... my chest began to bother me while my genitals kinda stopped bothering me ... if I were younger and concerned with dating, I might consider bottom surgery, but all I really want now is top surgery. FYI, began transition at 50 ... so that has a lot to do with it i'm sure.
Why not? It is great that you found out! I experienced the same. Knowing it changes a lot but didn´t only. My personal goal was to find myself. Regardless what it would turn out into. As long as you live I think you have the right to live your life as best as possible. We always need to change something for it.
@@KayS.-deseAre you asking why they don’t feel genital dysphoria anymore?
@@chloe-sunshine7 I just meant that as long as you live we are in need of changes. What those are doesn´t matter. You decide that. It is meant general. Some people are dead with 60 and just wait for death. Others still change things and are fully alive with 80. Changes shows you are alive and not dead. Hope it answers your question.
@@KayS.-dese I was referring to the first sentence in your first comment. You said, “Why not?” and from my perspective, it’s not clear what you’re asking.
@@chloe-sunshine7 age shouldn´t stop you from making changes for a better life.
Thanks for all your vlogs Dr. Z. I began coming out at 47. Definitely in the 'repressed' camp. As a kid, I was teased constantly about being effeminate. Became angry and insecure, learned how to project being tough and masc. Always monitoring how I walk and talk to make sure it didn't come across as feminine. My femme side started leaking out again in my mid 30s but it took many more years to really acknowledge it. I have some physical dysphoria but not genital. I'm also still very early in my transition.
As usual, Dr Z, you nailed it. As I've started socially transitioning and started HRT, I've started having actual feelings about my body, mostly discomfort
Thank you Dr. Z.
I've been in the third group most of my life. Between the ages of six and 18, my parents gave me a psychological trauma mixed with homophobia and transphobia, due to the presence of a man, our neighbor, who dressed as a woman at night. This was in the 70s and 80s.
Until my late 30s, I was in the third group, with long cycles of depression/normality that lasted about 2 to 4 years. In these cycles I went from 276lb to 163lb and back to 276lb. I'm 75.59in.
At the age of 40, tired and worn out, I overcame the transphobia and began to study the subject, including the first videos by Dr. Z. Shortly afterwards I moved into group one. I realized that the depression was gender dysphoria. I started having social dysphoria too. After a few years, I started having dissociation.
Today, in my 50s, I know what I am, I'm sure of who I am. The weight fluctuation is a little less, but the cycles continue. Understanding the origin of the pain doesn't diminish it. I have no hope of a gender transition, nor of letting off steam with someone who understands the situation.
As someone who didn't figure out I was trans until my mid 40s, I appreciate you bringing up the age thing. I think if someone had asked me 10 years ago, I would have said neutral. Or that I hate my entire body. Tons of repression. I have terrible posture, because once my chest developed, my mother taught me to stand straight, and pointed out that would make my breasts look better or bigger or something. I'm pretty sure my immediate response was to slouch back down. And I've been slouching ever since, until I bought my first binder. But after 30 some odd years, it's a hard habit to break. So it was definitely dysphoria, but I had no terms in the 80s, no frame of reference.
Same
I fully understand you, my genital dysphoria didn't get really bad until I was fully transitioned in all other aspects of my life
Another awesone video. I wish the MHPs on youtube for CPTSD were half as good as you.
Something Ive noticed in my beginning stages of transition are "fundamental shifts". I do have CPTSD from severe sexual abuse. I have done a lot of work with that. Always progressing and learning though. Often in the times of greater dysphoria I do question if my feelings, thoughts and desires of who I am are being directed by my CPTSD. But what these fundamental shifts are telling me that it is barely if at all.
Ive only experienced a few fundamental shifts. The first was so slight it was hard to notice as anything more than a mood. Which makes me think I may have felt them even earlier. As each one is stronger than the last.
People with CPTSD who do trauma therapy often experience a change in their mind as they heal. Suddenly you find yourself feeling like the person behind your eyes is different. More whole. More clear. With my work on being trans I experience something similar but different. You suddenly find yourself feeling a little more confident. A little more clear. And the most important part, a little more you. The second to last one felt stronger than the previous one. The one I just had was a lot more strong than the last one. I can really feel myself shifting into my core personality. I felt more whole. I started remembering a lot of the messages my core used to send me. It explained a lot. This is why I call them fundamental shifts. They are shifts in my fundamental personality to be more of who I was born as. And it feels wonderful.
Imagine who you are as a person was driven into the back of your mind. You have to create a new personality to deal with life. All the while the core personality watches life go by as you be someone else. The pain. The loss. The mourning of each moment passing while being a stranger. You live your life being someone else and who you are is forced back. Its is terrible.
I know I am not number 1. I am very probably number 2. I dont hate my body or genitals but I dont care about them and often dislike them. By what I know so far, if I do HRT I will come to hate my genitals and need bottom surgery. Not 100% sure but strongly confident. My core wants the surgery now.
I am not number 3. I have spent the last several years digging through every memory, belief, supposition, concept,....little remains unchallenged.
I know my core personality is female. Now that I am looking into it, it couldnt be more obvious.
Before I started addressing my gender issues I used to have those recurring fantasies of either my brain being transplanted into a prosthetic robotic body, or lying somewhere comatose while my prain is operating a robotic body remotely. In those fantasies I didn't feel like I've really lost anything essential. That's how disconected from my physicality I was on the regular.
I was definitely neutral right before my egg cracked. I had been SA'd as a minor and so I spent over a decade trying to love my body. On top of that I was raised by feminists that taught me women can do everything a man can (I'm AFAB). I'm still not sure if I'm non-binary or male. I knew I wanted top surgery before I knew what that was (as in I wanted to get breast cancer surgery 😅). It took over a year of HRT for me to crack my genital dysphoria and realize that I want phalloplasty. It's been annoying to try to sift through my true gender feels but I have faith that I will figure it out.
Hi, first of all I am so sorry that you were SA’d as a child. So as I. Truthfully, I have been nervous because something happened with me and a parent and I sort of “blocked it out“ or “put it on a shelf“ in my mind. Sometimes I worry that that means I’m not actually trans. The thing is though, I’m 35 now, and I am on hormones and I’ve been on them for seven months. I like that I’m feminizing. I like the fact that I wear dresses. I like the fact that I’m wearing make up. I do have gender dysphoria. My hands, my feet, my broad shoulders. I guess what I wanna ask you is how do you know that you’re trans and this isn’t just a trauma response? To be clear, I believe you when you tell me that you’re trans, I just want to know for myself how I can know for sure that I’m not some imposter.
@@msorn3It’s completely normal for a trans person to feel imposter syndrome. Unfortunately the only person who can tell you if you’re trans or not is you. Although, if you work with a gender specialized therapist, they should be able to help you ask yourself the right questions if you’re still struggling.
Now in my personal opinion, it sounds like you’ve taken some steps on your transition, and they’ve brought you happiness. I’d say that’s a big green flag that you might be on the right track 🩷
I'm rolling thru your categories like stages. I'm now getting close to joining group one. Since the repression door started cracking open, Ive been playing poker against gender dysphoria. I take a small step, gender dysphoria says 'Ill see your cute little affirmation, and raise you this dysphoria!'. Honestly, it feels like the sub-conscience part of my mind is trying to push the conscience part to move faster then I'm comfortable with. Very surreal experience in of itself.
The insights this Doctor shares in these short videos has helped me. I have been unraveling my own gender for 5 decades,only to be enlightened by this empathic soul. You should be teaching the master class Dr. Z to anyone entering the gender field
Before I realized I was trans I tried to like my body, but no matter what I did I just kind of felt mhhe about it. There wasn't a real intense discomfort just indifference. Except my face, I was always uncomfortable how it looked. I hated short hair and beard shadow. I think part of the reason for this is I got lucky with many of my body features so they just were not causing dysphoria. I'm relatively short 5'6" and have relatively narrow shoulders and wide hips. I'm positive if I didn't have these features I would have had that same mild discomfort about my face. Once my egg cracked that mild feeling became so intense as everything suddenly surfaced. I'm still dysphoric about my face 30% of time but hrt is amazing. Oddly before and right after my egg cracked I didn't have any botton dysphoria. But now I'd say I have a mild discomfort with certain types of clothing.
For so long I thought I couldn't possibly be trans because I didn't hate my genitals. I thought being trans was for other people (which in hind sight is both rude and sad for myself) only I wanted to be a girl. I makes me sad I held off for so long because of a misconception and fear. Now I get to live a girl and it's just amazing. Can you imagine actually like taking pictures of yourself. I couldn't before, now I love it. I'm so happy I get to enjoy my body.
For the longest time, I felt very apathic to my body. I kinda thought it was about my weight (to some extent it was, but wasn't the root cause). The most discomfort I would feel was with my hairline and body hair, but I never put too much effort thinking why it bothered me.
After learning what dysphoria is, and after realizing I'm trans, things started to make sense. I'm not on HRT yet, but the few 'feminine' things I adopted to my day-to-day were enough to give me a big contrast of what euphoria is. Now that the gap is bigger, in some bad days, dysphoria hits hard.
I was always a little indifferent with genitals, but after a few weeks of allowing myself to be me, there are some weeks I kinda can't look to what is down there. These feelings come and go, and the more I imagine having nothing there, the more euphoric it feels. Not sure yet if bottom surgery is for me, but well, one step at the time hahaha!
I felt neutral about my body most of my life, now a mild discomfort, but I don't really remember gender bending as a kid 😥
Found this channel just recently. Good informations. In dreams I jump often between bodies of man and woman (writing and imagination is my passion). I discovered that I felt as a man everything more intense. In a woman´s body like I watch a stranger. But there is more. By talking with others I found something else. Often your anatomy shows what you have inside. Like your real self. I found that with hand dominance. It is minor but those things exist. Even with hypersensitivity. It may mean not much but with all other points really interesting. Ist there anything about that that someone knows about it?
Me trying to open up my repression door: “Let’s try ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’! Hmm… nope. Let’s try ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaab’! Hmmm… nope.” etc.
Once I started to explore my gender I started to have dysphoria. Before that my internalized transphobia prevented me from exploring my gender. I did not have dysphoria. I did have this nagging feeling that I wanted to know what it was like to live as the opposite gender. That feeling was with me as far back as I can remember.
Even once my dysphoria was conscious, I did nothing about it for many years and even repressed any inclination I had to transition. It was just so hard in the nineties to do something about your gender identity when it conflicted with your birth gender. There was so much transphobia and shame, not to mention trans care still was in its infancy. But, twenty-five years later things had changed including my life circumstances. The dam broke. I started transitioning.
Even now however, I struggle with the sense of how can I be trans if I spent so many years living as a man. I am somewhere between Dr. Z's second and third categories.
Frankly, however, I have started to avoid other people's explanations of what it means to be trans and focus more on my individual experience. We can get lost in terminology that forces us to think of ourselves narrowly. It can be challenging to separate what is scientifically true and what is made up by anecdotal experience. Even what seems scientific can be a manipulation of making connections based on what seems like reasonable insights. What to accept as truth is often a challenge.
I am a crossdresser! It's a passion for me. I am in euphoria with women's clothes.
When I think about why I want bottom surgery, I just think about how nice it would be for the noise to finally stop. That's all. I just want peace. I guess I'm in the first group, with more severe-ish dysphoria.
Wow, type 2 and 3. I already identified both of these before but bringing them up and speaking them out loud really makes me feel vindicated.
Ah, yeah! 2&3 for me too. I needed this video today ❤
Mine is definitely severe
Not having had any sexual trauma is not the same thing as having no memory of a sexual trauma. Some traumas can be forgotten, either because of the very low age of the victim or as a reaction fron the brain to the trauma itself.
🙌🙌
Korean sub plzz