Heather, I was your daughter. I’m now 37 and can hardly have any relationship with my mom at all, nor do any of my siblings. She thinks it’s her duty to be overbearing and give unsolicited advice that’s totally inappropriate, and if you don’t like it, then “maybe you’ll appreciate me when I’m dead.” If you share anything even slightly vulnerable with her, it can and will be used against you. Our relationship is now mostly a texting basis where I lead her to believe “everything is fine” because she cannot handle reality. Is this what you want?
@@CongoVr I get it. I’m happy to include her when everything is going well. Right now, we are enduring a season of extreme suffering due to health issues, and my husband has begged me to not disclose any of it to her. He knows she only makes me more upset by diagnosing me and bombarding me with opinions, and I can’t blame him for not wanting to do damage control when she shoots of her mouth.
That mom is so controlling it’s scary! If my In laws knew about my sexual behaviors without me telling them. I would not want to be around them, period! “She mistakenly read her daughter’s journal” ? Bye!!
I know she’s her mother, so I don’t mean for this to come across as harsh, but it’s ironic that she called her boyfriend needy when she’s crying about her daughter not being around as much. She sounds like she has a very rigid picture of what family looks like and selfishly enforces it on her family. Her daughter running away with a boy is the least surprising outcome of this.
Omg thank you! That mom is straight up DELULU! The boyfriend probably knows her mom is behind the interrogations he's had to endure. Mom needs to unclaw her daughter! This one had me screaming at the screen!
@@spriggy4382 Yeah, at this point I wouldn't be shocked at all if the boyfriend pointed how dysfunctional the mother is, and the daughter realized it.
Caller 2….if I was her daughter I’d be spending less time with her mom and more with his family too…the mom is a nosey, interfering and controlling woman. She’s going to become a bitter old woman imho.
Mom #2 is horribly misguided. She couldn't be making her daughter cling harder to this guy if she were walking her through the streets doing the shame scene from Game of Thrones. When your kids are adults you don't get a vote in who they end up dating. You only get to be supportive and patient when they date someone unsavory to you. That way when they inevitably break up you're waiting right there to pick them up. But if you're speculating and spying and judging then that makes them double down on the bad relationship because WHERE ELSE are they gonna go?
@@mylesgray3470 No, this isn't Utah or crazy conservatives. It's dysfunctional homelife. I've dated women in the past that were similar to this mother and far from conservative.
Just because someone is "overly conservative" does not make them behave badly toward their children like this lady. I came from a very conservative family but my Mom let me make my own mistakes. This is a personality trait not a political trait.@@mylesgray3470
Heather is like my mother. She has all the opinions, based on very little, never liked any man I dated, then cried when I didn't come over with them. Now she cries when I'm "secretive" about my personal life, and we aren't close. Can't have it both ways, Heather.
She isn’t wife material. Admit it and move on. This lady should get yet another divorce and then stay single for life. She will then have total control.
@@justbeingcruzshe’s from Utah… this lady is SO involved in her little bubble that she can’t fathom that others can view porn and not think they’re going to hell… She’s got some serious self reflection to get into
@@ashleyduckworthyt3224completely agree! I live in Utah, am Mormon, and the culture here is completely insane! You look at porn and you’re considered an addict! Give me a break…..
Man, just my perspective, but the fact that the 22 year old boyfriend is actively struggling against his porn addiction and being open and honest with his girlfriend is a positive green flag. Porn is a horrible thing to be in a grip of, and you really do need connection to help get yourself out of it. He’s being responsible and mature.
It didn't even sound like an addiction. It's just not allowed in Mormonism, so viewing porn or masturbating even once is considered a sin. This is why the mom is like this (porn = sin = bad husband material). Not saying it's right but putting this situation in the context of Mormonism explains a lot.
@@linamory544 damn, in that case I feel the porn was just a minor side issue and it should have been my daughter's boyfriend isn't a devout Mormon and I'm both an overbearing Karen and a religious bigot.
The mom sounds a bit delulu and doesn’t like the fact that her daughter is growing up and navigating complex topics with what seems like a mature guy struggling through some things.
She's 22. Yes. She's too young to be in a serious relationship. Also, don't date defective people. Go get a man who doesn't engage in activities that you find morally reprehensible. Is that simple. I don't do drugs. I don't date people who do drugs. Easy peasy. I'm gonna tell my 22 year old daughter that she can do better than a loser with the porn problem. If you are going to invest in a broken man, at least pick man with some money and then choose to take on his problems.
Heather is from Utah. They used to have billboards next to the highway there saying that looking at porn, even once, makes you a full-blown addict. So who knows how bad this guys “addiction” actually is. She’s saying all the right things, like “we’re hands off and we let them make their own decisions,” but she’s acting like a typical religious control-freak. She’s still treating her kids (or at least her daughter) like children, of course they don’t want her input on adult issues, or even involved in their adult lives. I see the daughter going no-contact in the near future, especially if the bf’s family is more welcoming and supportive
@@ineedhoez true, but either way, it’s none of this woman’s business. She doesn’t even realize she’s pushing her daughter away because she’s overly concerned about things that have nothing to do with her
I'm confident this caller would still have a major problem with boyfriend no matter what, even if he didn't look at such sites. I wouldn't be shocked if the boyfriend didn't disclose anything and the daughter just made it up to get her mom off her back.
I am this first women, I am 52. The only difference is I unwillingly switched the mouse for fire when I was about 25 and I haven't stopped yelling since, which I hate and can't control. So, instead of putting my partners through that, I've stayed single my whole life. Dr John's advice here is pretty naive. Just stop yelling doesn't work.
Perfect marriages or relationships aren't real; they're all different. What works for one person might not work for someone else. But I've come to understand that there's always a solution to problems. Five years ago, my wife and I were close to divorcing because of issues in our marriage, but we found a way to fix them. It was tough, but we survived. ...
I truly want to find happiness as well. I have someone special in my life, and even though we're not together right now, I can't imagine living without her; my love for her is deep. I really hope she comes back, and I'm fully committed to making it happen. We've tried different ways, like therapy, to make things right.
Parting ways with someone you deeply care about is never easy, but in my particular circumstance, I was aided by a spiritual mentor who averted the collapse of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I'm married and our relationship is perfect. We've never fought, argued, insulted each other etc. We're still in a state of bliss after past 20 years. We both had dysfunctional parents who didn't want us to get married or be happy. We cut off contact from our parents after confronting their behavior, and it was the best thing for us. Most people don't want to put in the work for a real relationship.
It was completely inappropriate to read your childs diary. I was in a relationship like this, and my mother was completely overbearing. It pushed me further from her, and closer to my toxic relationship. We eventually did break up.
If my mom read my diary she would have a big $hit. She would read that she is the source of my suffering and the reason men could commit crimes against me. I wish she had put me up for adoption before 4 yrs old
@@benmyers9030oh, I 100% thought she was Mormon. Aside from being in SLC, she was weirdly obsessed with her daughter’s boyfriend’s personal, ahem, usage. Which is VERY common in Mormon culture. To a point in which even occasional usage is considered an “addiction,” which is ridiculous. It was very Mormon-coded.
Sounds like she is overbearing and controlling and thinks her family is better than the boyfriend’s family. Hope she sees all the comments and decides to make a change
The daughter spends 90% of her time at his house to get away from her mom. I wouldn’t want to be around that lady. Reading her daughter’s journal is just awful.
@@iwillworkharder this lady has problems. I would love to see the looks on the daughter and bf’s face listening to this episode 😂 this lady needs to relax.
I moved in with a shitty boyfriend to get away from my narcissistic mother. I have no idea if this boyfriend is a great guy who sometimes looks at a playboy, or a raging porn addict who is isolating the daughter. But mom is a control freak who is driving her daughter away.
@@iwillworkharder Yep, it's completely normal to spend a lot of time with your significant other the first year. The caller is making it about her, making it seem that it's because their standards. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't this issue, the caller attribute it to something else about her.
I hope that mother seeks treatment. My wife and I dealt with the same thing and these mothers are extremely mentally unwell and usually abandoned emotionally by their husbands. Too much control over adult children.
This is Utah. There are a lot of stay at home Moms trying to raise picture perfect children who never drink, smoke, view anything bad, and their peers at church are all watching and judging. The church influence can get extreme.
I can't imagine telling my son he wasn't a good parent. I can't imagine not telling him how proud I am of him. I grew up with parents that never said it so I know how important it is to hear. Tell your kids you love them and you are proud of them. It'll do wonders for their mental health.
Amen , couldn't have said it any better..wodh I could have heard my father tell me be was proud of me before he left this crazy world, I still love him so much but definitely would have made me mentally stronger 💪 ❤
Yep. This is the kind of parent who sometimes raises a complete rebel child who becomes a secret drug user because they are so overbearing and unapproachable.
About the last story : Great advice, your mom has chosen to not be trusted and you are right to stop telling her anything. My mom was great. But my grandmother (we lived with her) would never be happy with what I did. It was never enough. Through therapy, I learned to stop trying to please her because no matter what I tried or did, she would never be proud of me. I felt better after knowing that. I stopped trying and understood it was not me, it was her problem.
She’s a religious fanatic. I know the type, I used to live in Utah. To her it’s like the boy is drug addict, having no precaution that it’s totally normal in today’s culture, just like having a beer sometimes.
haha right. Could not agree more. That lady is off her rocker. Despite what conservative evangelicals may tell you, a man can jerk off to porn every once in a while and still have a great marriage.
Just putting away laundry and "happened" to see a page in an open journal.....🤨 Adult daughter isn't responsible for her own laundry? She just left her personal thoughts out, and you still decided to read stuff on her desk rather than in and out? Mmmm... Suspicious. I have to wonder what the environment is in this house.
I feel like the 22 year old daughter in the second call. I’m literally a 22 year old daughter moving out in two weeks because I’m tired of the passive aggression from my family and I feel safer and more accepted for who I am with my bf and his family.
My now husband had been the same way. My MIL blames me for dragging him away, but honestly he was looking for a way out for a long time before I met him. He just never felt safe enough to tell her, and when he finally did she couldn't take responsibility for how she treated him as a kid, and instead called him all kinds of names. Now he's pretty much gone no contact with her and she wonders why and blames everyone but herself. It's really unfortunate.
That's how it was when I moved out and got away from my mom. Went no contact for a few months because of her overbearing and controlling nature and it helped our relationship some. I got married 5 years ago and we moved 5.5-6 hours away. Best decision we could've made. Hoping you can find yourself and healing! Look past your emotions that are happening in the moment and push through. It'll be hard but boy is it rewarding!
Yeah, when my 21 year old daughter was dating a guy that treated her bad and he was rude, she saw it too. I was just there to listen to her because I saw it. She eventually left him when she a doctor at her work picked up on her and it gave her the confidence to leave the ride guy. You don’t have to push your kids, you have to support them and be a little patient and I’ve seen mine eventually move in the right direction.❤ I pray for them too and I think that helps!
OP, my wife and I moved out at 18 because of similar reasons. One of the best decisions we made, besides getting married to each other. Just remember when you leave, they will hover and try to get back into your life directly or through someone else. Best of luck to you OP and the rest in the comments.
Caller number 2 seems to have severe attachment issues. She should be talking to a therapist weekly. Her daughter could use one too, to get over her mother's trauma.
First call: kudos for being insightful and aware of her maladaptive behavior, and wanting to resolve that. Second call: it’s hard to tell without enough information, yet she totally back paddled when Dr. D called her out, and she totally and purposely went through her daughter’s diary. She definitely shows signs of control issues and dysfunction, hence why the guy doesn’t want to open up to them and why her daughter doesn’t want to spend much time with them. Watching porn is not enough just to not like someone, cuz I’m sure her husband watches tons of porn behind her back. The vast majority of men watch porn but at different levels. I can tell she’s omitting important information that will incriminate her. She’s scared that she can’t control her daughter anymore and is losing her due to her own doings.
Porn use or creation is most definitely a massive red flag in a man or a woman. I mean all in all this call was crazy though because it is her daughters boyfriend, not her husband or her boyfriend. It literally has NOTHING to do with this woman. IMO it would be best to just warn the daughter, either with a short personal story, book, or article on the topic. Then take your hands off the topic/subject and just support your daughter. I mean it’s sad because you know that it won’t work in a marriage because it is infidelity, however just like these crazy open relationships and such it is their choice! Adults have the right to choose their own poison’s. It sucks when you are forced to watch your loved ones make poor choices but that just is what it is. All you can do is voice your concerns and then leave it alone.
I also noticed that. Did you also notice how her responses seemed like go to lines when under stress that would work with someone you've used them for years on from an early age, like her daughter, but doesn't make any sense to a person who's outside of that circle? For example, the reading of her journal because it happened to be opened.
I'm that first call. Except I started shouting way earlier and can't stop. I dont think Dr John saying, "Just dont do it", does a thing. I've tried that for 27 years.
Wow prayers for that first caller for her desire to continually grow 🙏! And Dr John your advice was so beautifully, respectfully helpful❤ Favorite episode!
Of course, you are losing your daughter; you have proven that you are not trustworthy. You insert yourself in her relationship, go through her things, and treat her like she is stupid for who she choses to date. Why would she ever want to be around you when you make it so clear that you do not value her or her agency?
My mother is the polar opposite of Heather. Im so thankful for that. If you want people to trust you and come to you in their times of need, you need to be more of a listener, only share when you have something similar to relate it to and do not give advice unless solicited. Its ok to ask if they want advice or if they want to vent. NEVER JUDGE. As soon as you decide you dont like someone that your friend/daughter/son whoever, is dating/in a relationship with, and they know it - they wont be coming to you about them anymore. You must support the decisions of those people you love and be there for them without judgment. Or, like Heather has learned, you WILL lose them.
The best phrase I abused while raising my kids was "That sounds frustrating, what are you gonna do?" And let them take it from there. They need to learn to navigate the world without you.
The first lady's story was so helpful. "Rest is Stress". Yep. And living for tomorrow only, not a year or decade ahead. I needed this info 20 yrs ago! I'll still use it. Glad she called in!
John saying it’s okay for a mother to violate her adult daughter’s boundaries by going through her JOURNAL is kind of disappointing and doesn’t sound like John at all. 29:47
@@stacyjaye6350 I’ve started to notice this a little bit too, I’m not an expert but after a couple years of listening it seems less genuine. I hope he isn’t burning out. He’s a biggggg light 💡
John> THANK YOU!!!! ❤ I LOVE how real you are. Your transparancy is so needed. I appreciate you so much. God bless you, your family, and the whole team!! MY FAVORITE SHOW!!!!
The mom (caller #2)....WOW. If anything, I am more grateful for my own mother who wouldn't be like this towards me or any bf. Listening to this is uncomfortable!
I mean….most ppl I know in the first year of a relationship just wanna hang out w their SOs most of the time And w the way she’s talking, i can tell it’s not just him pulling her away
Why would you read your ADULT daughter's diary?!? It doesn't matter if it was open. It is not your business until she makes it your business. If she's having issues in her relationship, then it is between her and her partner to work through them together for the benefit of their relationship and not for your benefit to know 100% of everything. Maybe, just maybe, your daughter and her partner are avoiding you because they feel like they can't tell you anything without judgment. You are feeding right into her wanting to spend time away by projecting anger, fear, and maybe hostility in both their direction. They feel it even when you are silent. Take 10 steps back and slow down. You are the problem, not him.
I hate journal-readers. It denies the journal owner the right to autonomy of their own thoughts. People who use diaries and journals often are using it to sort their thoughts out and as a form of self-care, and having that space invaded destroys it as a safe place to be alone with one's thoughts.
How do you “loose” you daughter?? Don’t you mean you are “loosing control” over your daughter, and you are panicking over it and it’s triggering some abandonment issues in you??? Go deal with your self lady. This is aaaaaalllllll about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS of “loosing your daughter” Just so you know….no matter how long or far our kids go…love can’t be broken or stolen or faded when it comes to the connection our kids feel to us…let them find them selves and they will willingly come back with love when they do. Kids are supposed to leave the nest and make their own….stop using your feelings as an excuse to interfere in her choices and life. You need to grow up …mother, before she ends up blocking you and forcing the space she deserves. You need to respect her as an adult woman and trust her with her own life..and mistakes…they are hers in her story…not yours …focus on your own life
@@Kevin.SimonsOr you focus on the content instead. As a non-native I also need to think twice when writing lose/loose. Not knowing the difference between their and they're is far worse imo.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 some people are sooooooo sensitive when you hit a nail tooooooo close to home 🥴😉🤷🏻♀️😂😂😂 Lotsa growing up to do in the world …by actual adults hahaha entire couple generations actually 🤔🤔🥴😉 But now I’m just being juvenile and petty by even responding to “spell checkers” , like a 12 year old ….ive had too much sugar this week 🥴🤷🏻♀️😂😂 😂😋
Or maybe some people just have no understanding or education about things like DYSLEXIA…and want to comment so they get noticed and some attention because some thing I said triggered their defensive and juvenile devaluing “wounded inner child” , and they most likely have opposing perspectives to the one I offended them with, and don’t know how else to say so, because they probably just don’t realize …or care 🥴🤷🏻♀️ There is also a thing called…. Laziness or “lack of shits to give” I think might be the clinical term…but don’t quote me 😋😉😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🖖 The later is my usual genuine and innocent defence 🥴🤷🏻♀️
The 2nd caller was just like my mom. Controlling. She couldn't handle not being needed by her kids anymore, so she did everything in her power to make us stunted in life so we wouldn't leave her. I can only speak for myself in saying that it forced me to move out at a young age, live my own life, make my own decisions, etc. Did I get burned? Absolutely at times. But that's part of adulthood. Heck, I don't even live in my hometown anymore. I can only imagine what my mom would say today about my husband and our lives. Lol. I loved my mom for the fact she was my mom, but I didn't like her at times. Heather needs to let her kids breathe a bit or they will be gone forever. And maybe this boy is an insufferable little b-hole, but her daughter has to figure that out on her own. Not mom telling her what to do.
Almost every couple that I know that has a failed relationship or a very miserable one is where the mother-in-law gets extremely involved in their life. Not sure how someone can live 52 years and still not learn this.
My aunt was like this she would jump from men to men ... I used to feel sorry for her but as I got older I realized that she was the problem ... She left a good guy that took her from poverty and he saved her kids life from another father ... She moved to France and found a french man who treats her worst than the other ...when I was young I took her side but today at 36 I realized that she was the problem all along ....
Like that friend who got in 4 car accidents in the last 10 years.. yea, in hindsight you can see it’s them driving the car and leading to this situation over and over.
I thought maybe we were related until you got to the France part. Whew! But my aunt is the same way. On her 4th marriage. And now this new husband can't keep a job and they are in marriage counseling. She behaves like a teenager and both of them are in their 50s!
For Marie: in my experience, stopping a problematic behavior can LEAD TO understanding why it manifests. The inner justification may reveal itself when you STOP the coping behavior. This is how it happens for me. I get a bad habit, I see it, I stop it, and THEN the internal reason for the habit reveals itself to me. It has never worked the other way for me.
It sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. Only reason I’m saying this is because I used to. She chooses the wrong men while also acting like a toddler. I’ve been there, I wish this woman all the healing in the world.
There is so much power in telling your appropriately aged children things about your life they did not know. I held a lot of resentment about my mom from my childhood. When I was about 14 we had an argument and she told me that he father physically abused her mom and by extension, that’s probably why she died so young. I never knew that before. And everything became clear to me in that moment. Now, 40 years later, when I start to feel sorry for myself or beat myself up about things I could have done better as a parent, I think of that day. And I forgive myself because I broke that legacy, which is something my mom could not do. Had I never known about her childhood, I think I would still be in the “but I could have, should have “ mental loop.
At least this boy views it as a negative to watch porn. A lot of guys will do what he’s doing and worse and then say “oh it’s not a big deal”. This mom is obnoxious though, there’s not that many great options to choose from, lady.
The mother won't like any man her daughter dates. Shes so used to her daughter being at her beck and call so she doesn't like the boyfriend 'taking' her daughter away. Strange because its usually certain mothers with sons that act this way.
😂 Where did you get that? She’s worried because her daughter is with an pervert and an addict. That’s devastating and terrifying for any mother. Her daughter definitely deserves far better, everyone does, including the young man. Regardless this has to be the daughters choice. Mom should say her piece, explain why, and then drop it, permanently.
@@sarahalderman3126where did you get that😂 Pervert!? Sounds like you drank the same spiked koolaide that Heather did 😂😂😂😂😂 Most NORMAL people don't care about p0rn.
Caller #2 needs to address her OWN pain around the issue of pornography. Until she’s healed, she will superimpose her own unresolved trauma onto her daughter.
I was homeless, got into drugs, went into prisons, then i got to know Jesus, He changed my life.. Now i make 22k weekly. have a home, a wife, a lovely daughter... A child of God. HALLELUJAH
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my daughter's surgery (Joey). Glory to God.shalom.
Once my mom (that I love) read my diary (she left if in a different spot) and I felt so betrayed, so sad. I understand as an adult now that might be a good idea to read it if you think something is going on, but at least do it properly.
It sure sounds like my niece's story. He increasingly isolated her from her family & used appealing for her help to suck her in. The last time she/they visited them, he never let her out of his sight. She married him & within 2 years, she disappeared from their lives. They have a grandchild they've never seen.
This was so good. I really related. I have been controlled and have been in relationships where they control me and I allow it. Then I resent it. Trying to be reasonable with these people didn’t work, but that was just because I was choosing the wrong people. Now I’m making choices where people are respectful and, they actually listen when I want to share my opinions. We all have choices and no one can do to us what we don’t allow.
@@sarahalderman3126 she's behaving obsessively. no one wants their kid to mary a pervert. but she is desperate to find evidence to make him one rather than observing negative behavior and responding to it. she's hallucinating because she doesn't want her daughter to grow up
@@og666 I just don’t see it that way. But it isn’t mom’s business and she needs to say how she feels one time and then step back. Instead of this obsessing over it.
0MGGGGGGGG four marriages and only 52. It screams..."Im afraid of being alone" who's marrying these types of people, others who are afraid of being alone❓️😨 Doctor John says, "What do you keep doing?" She keeps getting married 🥶
Yeah from the call she was abused by her step father and never processed that trauma. Truly unfortunate because apparently she just continues reenacting that trauma, again and again. However she is looking and that’s the very first step.
Heather, Please understand that holding on too tight to your kids will only stifle their development and they will struggle to function on their own. Do you hope to be raising your kids until you pass or would you like to be there for them when they get an exciting job, engaged/married, and have children of their own?
Becca, you are the mom of 2024. Don’t let your mother tell you that all the hard work you’ve done to provide a healthy home for your children isn’t good enough. I’ll say it bc John didn’t, YOUR MOM IS A MEAN LADY AND THAT SUCKS. Keep her away from your heart and at arm’s length. She wanted a reaction from you and decided to say the most hurtful thing she could. Put kid gloves on around her bc she’s basically a 3 year old. Her opinions don’t matter anymore. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t deserve the voice she thinks she gets in your life. Much love from NH.
For the second caller. the reason your daughter's boyfriend seems to isolate her from your family is because he knows that you all don't like him, and he knows that your opinion can persuade her to end this reloationship.
for the first caller , why does her husband hate the house, is it the actual house, or if they fight does she say , this is my house? i would like to know the answer to that question he should have asked it
Be the bigger person and have some compassion for that innocent little girl. You may be surprised to discover that she is one of the biggest gifts you ever received. Wishing you all the best! ❤
Re Heather . I grew up with a mum like this. I married a good man. And when we were dating I found my mum reading our love letter emails. It was very hurtful to see my privacy exposed. With the journal reading why was she reading her daughters journal? She shouldnt be reading. My mum did the same. I've never trusted her again. I've never come to her with our son. My husband won't put up with her stuff. And calls it out . Don't be afraid . It's scary . I know but you have to let her learn her things.
Of course he called her out, just in a professional and kind manner. As appropriate. It is what it is. Mom needs to sit her daughter down and say her piece with love and compassion and then leave it alone, permanently.
Becca, you sound like an incredibly intelligent and kind woman. Your children are beyond fortunate to have you as their mother. Please don’t allow your mother to rob you of your confidence and joy. Unfortunately she’s jealous of you and misery loves company. Focus on the family you created and the life you’ve built.
That woman was grasping at straws to find something tangible to nail that boy with, expecting Dr John to agree with her. You could feel her frustration as he challenged her feelings and questioned why else her daughter may be pulling away. I hope she has a breakthrough and realizes that she’s a large part of the problem here, and makes every attempt to rebuild her relationship with her daughter before it’s too late.
The second caller is totally correct, but she needs to disengage. At the end of the day, her daughter will learn her own lesson on this. If you’re not married, don’t stick around for a man’s pornography “struggles”, they rarely stop unless they have a spiritual transformation, they just start lying about it. They’re “addicted” to watching misogynistic sex content/often acts of abuse on the internet…NO THANKS! Mom - disengage and focus on finding your own life/interests outside of your daughter.
My (23&26) husband had a pornography problem before we got married. He was open and honest about it and I supported him and helped him through it and I know for a fact he doesn't watch porn anymore. If a man really loves you and wants to do better by you and your relationship he will. I wouldn't recommend sticking around if there isn't complete honesty about his usage (bc he will go back to watching at least once) my timeline was 6 months and if we couldn't get through it we'd go to counseling together. We did and we're happy and have great sex 🥰
I Agree wholeheartedly. The mother doesn't want her daughter dating this addiction riddled dude. Even if he's not an attic his behavior is still a violation of their moral code. Turn it on
The mom of the girl has to get a grip. I feel like she’s making up a lot of excuses for her own behaviors and trying to put the spotlight on the boyfriend.
Heather-I was your daughter and I know it was hard for my parents to see it. But they stayed in their lane and was there once I decided to not be with men like that. I’m also a parent to 3 adult kids. One of them has a wonderful boyfriend and I feel so grateful she is with an incredible guy with a wonderful family. If one of them ends up with a less than ideal person, I know it will be hard for me to stay in my lane, but I will. I think it’s easier for a person to leave a bad person when they know they have a soft place to fall instead of a judgmental one. My advice is to try and set a regular date with your daughter. Get out of the house, have a meal, go for a walk, go see art or beautiful scenery. Just BE with her in the moment with no agenda. A few days after you do that with them, sit and think about the time you had together and smile while you think about it. If the opportunity arises, bring up the outing and say something simple like, “I really loved that museum. The one painting made an impression on me because it was so intricate. I’m so impressed by someone with that kind of talent. I’m so happy you were there with me.” I find it so much easier to BE with my adult kids than I did when they were young when there was so much going on & so much to do. Find ways to BE with her. ❤
Heather, maybe he's an awesome guy who's struggling with an addiction and your daughter would rather be in that environment than one that includes a mother who snoops into her private life.
Becca in Canada needs counseling. She seems a nervous wreck and is on pins and needles. Not understanding why she’s so affected by her mother. Stop giving your mother so much power!
I'm not able to avoid discomfort. It's agony. I'm just praying to be able to put out my music despite all of it, and for God to draw closer to me. Many blessings to you all.
For the second caller, I'd love to hear the daughter call in to get her side.
Heather, I was your daughter. I’m now 37 and can hardly have any relationship with my mom at all, nor do any of my siblings. She thinks it’s her duty to be overbearing and give unsolicited advice that’s totally inappropriate, and if you don’t like it, then “maybe you’ll appreciate me when I’m dead.” If you share anything even slightly vulnerable with her, it can and will be used against you. Our relationship is now mostly a texting basis where I lead her to believe “everything is fine” because she cannot handle reality. Is this what you want?
Same! And I moved my family 8 hours away so I could find peace.
Same except my life is actually great and she is not invluded
@@CongoVr I get it. I’m happy to include her when everything is going well. Right now, we are enduring a season of extreme suffering due to health issues, and my husband has begged me to not disclose any of it to her. He knows she only makes me more upset by diagnosing me and bombarding me with opinions, and I can’t blame him for not wanting to do damage control when she shoots of her mouth.
Same
@@clearsky4003 not if they get support to change the script
That mom is so controlling it’s scary! If my In laws knew about my sexual behaviors without me telling them. I would not want to be around them, period! “She mistakenly read her daughter’s journal” ? Bye!!
Exactly! 🙌💯 She’s full of 💩
Her mom is horrible but the daughter chose to live there. If she's smart, she'll move out asap!
@shanchan8247 Even if you live at home, parents have no right to snoop through personal items! She's an adult.
She said she was putting away laundry 😂. So she does her adult daughters laundry?!
Notice how she got super quiet at the end? Heather sounds like a narcissistic piece of $#@!
I know she’s her mother, so I don’t mean for this to come across as harsh, but it’s ironic that she called her boyfriend needy when she’s crying about her daughter not being around as much.
She sounds like she has a very rigid picture of what family looks like and selfishly enforces it on her family. Her daughter running away with a boy is the least surprising outcome of this.
@@Worldtraveler3683 Salt Lake City so probably a Mormon. Makes sense now.
100% I grew up in that area and this is a pretty common thing.
The “we’re empty nesters” but them not really being empty nesters was a red flag.
You nailed it! She’s crossing boundaries left and right and can’t see that she’s pushing her daughter away. Not the other way around.
She sounds super judgmental. No wonder they don’t want to be around her
If that second lady was my mom, I would never speak to her again. talk about an invasion of privacy, space, and human respect.
Seriously. If your daughter left her journal open you close it. If you want to know what’s going on with your kids then talk to them!
Omg thank you! That mom is straight up DELULU! The boyfriend probably knows her mom is behind the interrogations he's had to endure. Mom needs to unclaw her daughter! This one had me screaming at the screen!
@@spriggy4382she’s clearly got a VERY unhealthy attachment to her daughter that borders on creepy…
Like those boy moms but with her daughter
@@spriggy4382 Yeah, at this point I wouldn't be shocked at all if the boyfriend pointed how dysfunctional the mother is, and the daughter realized it.
Caller 2….if I was her daughter I’d be spending less time with her mom and more with his family too…the mom is a nosey, interfering and controlling woman. She’s going to become a bitter old woman imho.
Mom #2 is horribly misguided. She couldn't be making her daughter cling harder to this guy if she were walking her through the streets doing the shame scene from Game of Thrones.
When your kids are adults you don't get a vote in who they end up dating. You only get to be supportive and patient when they date someone unsavory to you.
That way when they inevitably break up you're waiting right there to pick them up.
But if you're speculating and spying and judging then that makes them double down on the bad relationship because WHERE ELSE are they gonna go?
This Mom (middle caller) is out of her mind. Leave your children alone and let them navigate their own relationships.
The "I just dont like him." is a HUGE RED FLAG
Since this happened in Utah, it makes sense. I lived there and manny people there are crazy conservative.
Deflect, deflect, shift then shift some more.
@@mylesgray3470 No, this isn't Utah or crazy conservatives. It's dysfunctional homelife. I've dated women in the past that were similar to this mother and far from conservative.
Just because someone is "overly conservative" does not make them behave badly toward their children like this lady. I came from a very conservative family but my Mom let me make my own mistakes. This is a personality trait not a political trait.@@mylesgray3470
Heather is like my mother. She has all the opinions, based on very little, never liked any man I dated, then cried when I didn't come over with them. Now she cries when I'm "secretive" about my personal life, and we aren't close. Can't have it both ways, Heather.
My mom too. They want to be overbearing and give unsolicited opinions about things that are none of their business and get hurt when you pull away.
Exactly my situation as well
🙌💯
She isn’t wife material. Admit it and move on. This lady should get yet another divorce and then stay single for life. She will then have total control.
But he once watched "big booty nuns 12, back out of the habit"!
How can she save her daughter!?!😂😂😂
This mom doesn’t realize SHE is the one isolating her daughter from her family not the boyfriend
she’s literally such a square i was cringing the whole conversation her daughter is a saint for this dealing w that behavior
@@justbeingcruzshe’s from Utah… this lady is SO involved in her little bubble that she can’t fathom that others can view porn and not think they’re going to hell…
She’s got some serious self reflection to get into
@@ashleyduckworthyt3224completely agree! I live in Utah, am Mormon, and the culture here is completely insane! You look at porn and you’re considered an addict! Give me a break…..
@@justbeingcruz "she’s literally such a square" - That's putting it nicely. I thought she was very dysfunctional.
Man, just my perspective, but the fact that the 22 year old boyfriend is actively struggling against his porn addiction and being open and honest with his girlfriend is a positive green flag. Porn is a horrible thing to be in a grip of, and you really do need connection to help get yourself out of it. He’s being responsible and mature.
@@lukehardin9 didn't particularly sound like an addiction from what I heard on the call.
It didn't even sound like an addiction. It's just not allowed in Mormonism, so viewing porn or masturbating even once is considered a sin. This is why the mom is like this (porn = sin = bad husband material). Not saying it's right but putting this situation in the context of Mormonism explains a lot.
@@linamory544 damn, in that case I feel the porn was just a minor side issue and it should have been my daughter's boyfriend isn't a devout Mormon and I'm both an overbearing Karen and a religious bigot.
The mom sounds a bit delulu and doesn’t like the fact that her daughter is growing up and navigating complex topics with what seems like a mature guy struggling through some things.
She's 22. Yes. She's too young to be in a serious relationship. Also, don't date defective people. Go get a man who doesn't engage in activities that you find morally reprehensible. Is that simple.
I don't do drugs. I don't date people who do drugs. Easy peasy.
I'm gonna tell my 22 year old daughter that she can do better than a loser with the porn problem. If you are going to invest in a broken man, at least pick man with some money and then choose to take on his problems.
Heather is from Utah. They used to have billboards next to the highway there saying that looking at porn, even once, makes you a full-blown addict. So who knows how bad this guys “addiction” actually is.
She’s saying all the right things, like “we’re hands off and we let them make their own decisions,” but she’s acting like a typical religious control-freak. She’s still treating her kids (or at least her daughter) like children, of course they don’t want her input on adult issues, or even involved in their adult lives. I see the daughter going no-contact in the near future, especially if the bf’s family is more welcoming and supportive
Honestly, great point
Addiction or not , it's inconsistent with the daughter's values. If the daughter didn't care about porn, then it wouldn't be an issue.
Yep. I used to live there and all the church stuff can be a bit cult like in views compared to the rest of the world.
@@ineedhoez true, but either way, it’s none of this woman’s business. She doesn’t even realize she’s pushing her daughter away because she’s overly concerned about things that have nothing to do with her
I'm confident this caller would still have a major problem with boyfriend no matter what, even if he didn't look at such sites. I wouldn't be shocked if the boyfriend didn't disclose anything and the daughter just made it up to get her mom off her back.
“Pull out that piece of paper with their name on it and say ‘I’m going to blow up this relationship for you’” … wow. Powerful. Thanks John. 🙏🏽
I thought the same thing! I think im going to try it because just hearing the suggestion sounds powerful
I am this first women, I am 52. The only difference is I unwillingly switched the mouse for fire when I was about 25 and I haven't stopped yelling since, which I hate and can't control. So, instead of putting my partners through that, I've stayed single my whole life. Dr John's advice here is pretty naive. Just stop yelling doesn't work.
Perfect marriages or relationships aren't real; they're all different. What works for one person might not work for someone else. But I've come to understand that there's always a solution to problems. Five years ago, my wife and I were close to divorcing because of issues in our marriage, but we found a way to fix them. It was tough, but we survived.
...
I truly want to find happiness as well. I have someone special in my life, and even though we're not together right now, I can't imagine living without her; my love for her is deep. I really hope she comes back, and I'm fully committed to making it happen. We've tried different ways, like therapy, to make things right.
Parting ways with someone you deeply care about is never easy, but in my particular circumstance, I was aided by a spiritual mentor who averted the collapse of my marriage. Her name is Suzanne Ann Walters.
I'll immediately seek her out online. Appreciate it. I'm hopeful that implementing this method will also bring me success; I miss her dearly.
You should.
I'm married and our relationship is perfect. We've never fought, argued, insulted each other etc. We're still in a state of bliss after past 20 years. We both had dysfunctional parents who didn't want us to get married or be happy. We cut off contact from our parents after confronting their behavior, and it was the best thing for us. Most people don't want to put in the work for a real relationship.
It was completely inappropriate to read your childs diary. I was in a relationship like this, and my mother was completely overbearing. It pushed me further from her, and closer to my toxic relationship. We eventually did break up.
She just accidentally read it!😂😂😂
Now mormon mommy wants to grill her daughter about her dudes incognito tabs. I wonder why he doesn't like her😂😂😂
Yup! 🙌💯
No kidding.
If my mom read my diary she would have a big $hit. She would read that she is the source of my suffering and the reason men could commit crimes against me. I wish she had put me up for adoption before 4 yrs old
@@benmyers9030oh, I 100% thought she was Mormon. Aside from being in SLC, she was weirdly obsessed with her daughter’s boyfriend’s personal, ahem, usage. Which is VERY common in Mormon culture. To a point in which even occasional usage is considered an “addiction,” which is ridiculous. It was very Mormon-coded.
"We're technically empty-nesters, but three of them are living at home.."
Reading her journal, putting her laundry away.
This lady is toasted.
🙌💯
She’s a controlling monster. Poor kids.
Sounds like she is overbearing and controlling and thinks her family is better than the boyfriend’s family. Hope she sees all the comments and decides to make a change
He's so patient with that second caller. I was rolling my eyes so fast!
Her saying “he’s very needy” I spat my tea 😅
The daughter spends 90% of her time at his house to get away from her mom. I wouldn’t want to be around that lady. Reading her daughter’s journal is just awful.
And also because they're 22 in their first year of dating. I don't think there's anything more normal than them spending all their time together.
@@iwillworkharder this lady has problems. I would love to see the looks on the daughter and bf’s face listening to this episode 😂 this lady needs to relax.
I moved in with a shitty boyfriend to get away from my narcissistic mother.
I have no idea if this boyfriend is a great guy who sometimes looks at a playboy, or a raging porn addict who is isolating the daughter. But mom is a control freak who is driving her daughter away.
@@iwillworkharder Yep, it's completely normal to spend a lot of time with your significant other the first year. The caller is making it about her, making it seem that it's because their standards. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't this issue, the caller attribute it to something else about her.
I hope that mother seeks treatment. My wife and I dealt with the same thing and these mothers are extremely mentally unwell and usually abandoned emotionally by their husbands. Too much control over adult children.
This is Utah. There are a lot of stay at home Moms trying to raise picture perfect children who never drink, smoke, view anything bad, and their peers at church are all watching and judging. The church influence can get extreme.
"I hope that mother seeks treatment." - Unlikely she'll seek treatment, let alone treatment that will actually help her.
I can't imagine telling my son he wasn't a good parent. I can't imagine not telling him how proud I am of him. I grew up with parents that never said it so I know how important it is to hear. Tell your kids you love them and you are proud of them. It'll do wonders for their mental health.
Amen , couldn't have said it any better..wodh I could have heard my father tell me be was proud of me before he left this crazy world, I still love him so much but definitely would have made me mentally stronger 💪 ❤
The mom is waaaaaay to invested in this situation and sounds like a control freak!!!
Kinda feels like mom IS the problem... She is holding on so hard her daughter is pulling away.
Yep. This is the kind of parent who sometimes raises a complete rebel child who becomes a secret drug user because they are so overbearing and unapproachable.
"Kinda feels like mom IS the problem..." - No, she definitely is the problem. lol
About the last story : Great advice, your mom has chosen to not be trusted and you are right to stop telling her anything. My mom was great. But my grandmother (we lived with her) would never be happy with what I did. It was never enough. Through therapy, I learned to stop trying to please her because no matter what I tried or did, she would never be proud of me. I felt better after knowing that. I stopped trying and understood it was not me, it was her problem.
Oh my..this mother! SHE is acting like a juvenile. Let your daughter live woman! Maybe they watch it together - not your business!
She’s a religious fanatic. I know the type, I used to live in Utah. To her it’s like the boy is drug addict, having no precaution that it’s totally normal in today’s culture, just like having a beer sometimes.
yep women do watch porn
The lady worried about her daughters boyfriend sounds absolutely batshit. Run dude. Freaking run
@@trentenr7255 unhinged Karen behaviour. Dump her so you don't have to deal with the crazy smothering mom the entire rest of your life 🤣
haha right. Could not agree more. That lady is off her rocker. Despite what conservative evangelicals may tell you, a man can jerk off to porn every once in a while and still have a great marriage.
I think the daughter is going to also run. 🤣
"The journal was open" MY @SS
😂
"Because I opened it"😂
Too bad John didn't call her out on that and push back.
Just putting away laundry and "happened" to see a page in an open journal.....🤨 Adult daughter isn't responsible for her own laundry? She just left her personal thoughts out, and you still decided to read stuff on her desk rather than in and out? Mmmm... Suspicious.
I have to wonder what the environment is in this house.
My mom does stuff like this. The old "I wasn't snooping, but I found something of yours I couldn't have possibly seen unless I was snooping" routine.
She was definitely snooping. The daughter has probably wanted an out from that family for a long time.
The daughter needs to hide her journals under a stack of porn magazines. Mom will be so horrified by the porn, she won't dig any further.
@@boring_elderly_millenial That's genius.
I feel like the 22 year old daughter in the second call. I’m literally a 22 year old daughter moving out in two weeks because I’m tired of the passive aggression from my family and I feel safer and more accepted for who I am with my bf and his family.
Good on you!! I wish you lots of joy and happiness! ❤
My now husband had been the same way. My MIL blames me for dragging him away, but honestly he was looking for a way out for a long time before I met him. He just never felt safe enough to tell her, and when he finally did she couldn't take responsibility for how she treated him as a kid, and instead called him all kinds of names. Now he's pretty much gone no contact with her and she wonders why and blames everyone but herself. It's really unfortunate.
That's how it was when I moved out and got away from my mom. Went no contact for a few months because of her overbearing and controlling nature and it helped our relationship some. I got married 5 years ago and we moved 5.5-6 hours away. Best decision we could've made. Hoping you can find yourself and healing! Look past your emotions that are happening in the moment and push through. It'll be hard but boy is it rewarding!
Yeah, when my 21 year old daughter was dating a guy that treated her bad and he was rude, she saw it too. I was just there to listen to her because I saw it. She eventually left him when she a doctor at her work picked up on her and it gave her the confidence to leave the ride guy. You don’t have to push your kids, you have to support them and be a little patient and I’ve seen mine eventually move in the right direction.❤ I pray for them too and I think that helps!
OP, my wife and I moved out at 18 because of similar reasons. One of the best decisions we made, besides getting married to each other. Just remember when you leave, they will hover and try to get back into your life directly or through someone else. Best of luck to you OP and the rest in the comments.
Middle caller is def the problem
Caller number 2 seems to have severe attachment issues. She should be talking to a therapist weekly. Her daughter could use one too, to get over her mother's trauma.
"She should be talking to a therapist weekly." - I'm guessing you're a therapist? lol
Heather’s daughter is running from her, if she breaks up with her boyfriend, she’ll probably do it again with someone else
First call: kudos for being insightful and aware of her maladaptive behavior, and wanting to resolve that.
Second call: it’s hard to tell without enough information, yet she totally back paddled when Dr. D called her out, and she totally and purposely went through her daughter’s diary. She definitely shows signs of control issues and dysfunction, hence why the guy doesn’t want to open up to them and why her daughter doesn’t want to spend much time with them. Watching porn is not enough just to not like someone, cuz I’m sure her husband watches tons of porn behind her back. The vast majority of men watch porn but at different levels. I can tell she’s omitting important information that will incriminate her. She’s scared that she can’t control her daughter anymore and is losing her due to her own doings.
Porn use or creation is most definitely a massive red flag in a man or a woman. I mean all in all this call was crazy though because it is her daughters boyfriend, not her husband or her boyfriend. It literally has NOTHING to do with this woman. IMO it would be best to just warn the daughter, either with a short personal story, book, or article on the topic. Then take your hands off the topic/subject and just support your daughter. I mean it’s sad because you know that it won’t work in a marriage because it is infidelity, however just like these crazy open relationships and such it is their choice! Adults have the right to choose their own poison’s. It sucks when you are forced to watch your loved ones make poor choices but that just is what it is. All you can do is voice your concerns and then leave it alone.
It’s kinda hard to hear him encouraging her to get closer to her daughter when she’s already entirely too close.
That mom sure does know how to keep on spinning her story to everything Dr. John asks her.
I noticed that too. Manipulation at its finest.
I also noticed that. Did you also notice how her responses seemed like go to lines when under stress that would work with someone you've used them for years on from an early age, like her daughter, but doesn't make any sense to a person who's outside of that circle? For example, the reading of her journal because it happened to be opened.
Deep in the de-lu-lu
Wow I really needed that first call! Thank you Dr. John. Appreciate you so much!
I'm that first call. Except I started shouting way earlier and can't stop. I dont think Dr John saying, "Just dont do it", does a thing. I've tried that for 27 years.
Wow prayers for that first caller for her desire to continually grow 🙏! And Dr John your advice was so beautifully, respectfully helpful❤ Favorite episode!
Of course, you are losing your daughter; you have proven that you are not trustworthy. You insert yourself in her relationship, go through her things, and treat her like she is stupid for who she choses to date. Why would she ever want to be around you when you make it so clear that you do not value her or her agency?
My mother is the polar opposite of Heather. Im so thankful for that. If you want people to trust you and come to you in their times of need, you need to be more of a listener, only share when you have something similar to relate it to and do not give advice unless solicited. Its ok to ask if they want advice or if they want to vent. NEVER JUDGE. As soon as you decide you dont like someone that your friend/daughter/son whoever, is dating/in a relationship with, and they know it - they wont be coming to you about them anymore.
You must support the decisions of those people you love and be there for them without judgment. Or, like Heather has learned, you WILL lose them.
The best phrase I abused while raising my kids was "That sounds frustrating, what are you gonna do?" And let them take it from there.
They need to learn to navigate the world without you.
I am 14 minutes in and have been nodding my head all along. John. You are awesome. Your insight is much appreciated. Thank you.
Moral of the story: Don’t do and put away your grown children’s laundry. Treat their room as their apartment and charge them a reasonable rent.
Dr. John holding back on Heather was everything😂
The first lady's story was so helpful. "Rest is Stress". Yep. And living for tomorrow only, not a year or decade ahead. I needed this info 20 yrs ago! I'll still use it. Glad she called in!
Did he say rest is stress? What does that mean?
John saying it’s okay for a mother to violate her adult daughter’s boundaries by going through her JOURNAL is kind of disappointing and doesn’t sound like John at all. 29:47
Not surprising, he tells people what they want to hear.
@@stacyjaye6350 I’ve started to notice this a little bit too, I’m not an expert but after a couple years of listening it seems less genuine. I hope he isn’t burning out. He’s a biggggg light 💡
Yeah, I'm appalled by the casual acceptance of such a clear boundary violation.
John> THANK YOU!!!! ❤ I LOVE how real you are. Your transparancy is so needed. I appreciate you so much. God bless you, your family, and the whole team!! MY FAVORITE SHOW!!!!
Heather should have been the one asking if she’s the problem.
I can’t tell you how much I learn about myself from this show, I feel like I should be paying you 💜
When you're the one constant in all of the relationships, you're the problem.
The mom (caller #2)....WOW. If anything, I am more grateful for my own mother who wouldn't be like this towards me or any bf. Listening to this is uncomfortable!
I mean….most ppl I know in the first year of a relationship just wanna hang out w their SOs most of the time
And w the way she’s talking, i can tell it’s not just him pulling her away
I was thinking this too, 22 year olds who've been dating less than a year spending all their time together is not the panic alarm Mom thinks it is.
Why would you read your ADULT daughter's diary?!? It doesn't matter if it was open. It is not your business until she makes it your business. If she's having issues in her relationship, then it is between her and her partner to work through them together for the benefit of their relationship and not for your benefit to know 100% of everything. Maybe, just maybe, your daughter and her partner are avoiding you because they feel like they can't tell you anything without judgment. You are feeding right into her wanting to spend time away by projecting anger, fear, and maybe hostility in both their direction. They feel it even when you are silent. Take 10 steps back and slow down. You are the problem, not him.
I hate journal-readers. It denies the journal owner the right to autonomy of their own thoughts. People who use diaries and journals often are using it to sort their thoughts out and as a form of self-care, and having that space invaded destroys it as a safe place to be alone with one's thoughts.
2nd caller is unhinged.
How do you “loose” you daughter?? Don’t you mean you are “loosing control” over your daughter, and you are panicking over it and it’s triggering some abandonment issues in you??? Go deal with your self lady.
This is aaaaaalllllll about YOU and YOUR FEELINGS of “loosing your daughter”
Just so you know….no matter how long or far our kids go…love can’t be broken or stolen or faded when it comes to the connection our kids feel to us…let them find them selves and they will willingly come back with love when they do.
Kids are supposed to leave the nest and make their own….stop using your feelings as an excuse to interfere in her choices and life. You need to grow up …mother, before she ends up blocking you and forcing the space she deserves. You need to respect her as an adult woman and trust her with her own life..and mistakes…they are hers in her story…not yours …focus on your own life
“Lose” pants that are too big are “loose”
The word is “lose.” My god, that was painful to read.
@@Kevin.SimonsOr you focus on the content instead.
As a non-native I also need to think twice when writing lose/loose.
Not knowing the difference between their and they're is far worse imo.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 some people are sooooooo sensitive when you hit a nail tooooooo close to home 🥴😉🤷🏻♀️😂😂😂
Lotsa growing up to do in the world …by actual adults hahaha entire couple generations actually 🤔🤔🥴😉
But now I’m just being juvenile and petty by even responding to “spell checkers” , like a 12 year old ….ive had too much sugar this week 🥴🤷🏻♀️😂😂 😂😋
Or maybe some people just have no understanding or education about things like DYSLEXIA…and want to comment so they get noticed and some attention because some thing I said triggered their defensive and juvenile devaluing “wounded inner child” , and they most likely have opposing perspectives to the one I offended them with, and don’t know how else to say so, because they probably just don’t realize …or care 🥴🤷🏻♀️
There is also a thing called…. Laziness or “lack of shits to give” I think might be the clinical term…but don’t quote me 😋😉😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🖖
The later is my usual genuine and innocent defence 🥴🤷🏻♀️
The 2nd caller was just like my mom. Controlling. She couldn't handle not being needed by her kids anymore, so she did everything in her power to make us stunted in life so we wouldn't leave her. I can only speak for myself in saying that it forced me to move out at a young age, live my own life, make my own decisions, etc. Did I get burned? Absolutely at times. But that's part of adulthood. Heck, I don't even live in my hometown anymore. I can only imagine what my mom would say today about my husband and our lives. Lol. I loved my mom for the fact she was my mom, but I didn't like her at times. Heather needs to let her kids breathe a bit or they will be gone forever. And maybe this boy is an insufferable little b-hole, but her daughter has to figure that out on her own. Not mom telling her what to do.
Almost every couple that I know that has a failed relationship or a very miserable one is where the mother-in-law gets extremely involved in their life. Not sure how someone can live 52 years and still not learn this.
This was a good one. It's not about why your doing it. Just change the behavior now. Needed that.
My aunt was like this she would jump from men to men ... I used to feel sorry for her but as I got older I realized that she was the problem ... She left a good guy that took her from poverty and he saved her kids life from another father ... She moved to France and found a french man who treats her worst than the other ...when I was young I took her side but today at 36 I realized that she was the problem all along ....
Like that friend who got in 4 car accidents in the last 10 years.. yea, in hindsight you can see it’s them driving the car and leading to this situation over and over.
I thought maybe we were related until you got to the France part. Whew! But my aunt is the same way. On her 4th marriage. And now this new husband can't keep a job and they are in marriage counseling. She behaves like a teenager and both of them are in their 50s!
@@kekef3620 oh my God I'm sorry about this
@@williamjohn8633 we all had a crazy aunt
For Marie: in my experience, stopping a problematic behavior can LEAD TO understanding why it manifests. The inner justification may reveal itself when you STOP the coping behavior. This is how it happens for me. I get a bad habit, I see it, I stop it, and THEN the internal reason for the habit reveals itself to me. It has never worked the other way for me.
If you can’t seem to figure out how to make it work with 4 SEPARATE PEOPLE, then yes.
Heather- you need to back off and stay in your lane. This call was exhausting to listen to. Her poor daughter.
It sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. Only reason I’m saying this is because I used to. She chooses the wrong men while also acting like a toddler. I’ve been there, I wish this woman all the healing in the world.
We can always sense someone’s awareness intrinsically and see there’s something deeper in there. 🙏🏻 wishing you healing on the journey friend
There is so much power in telling your appropriately aged children things about your life they did not know. I held a lot of resentment about my mom from my childhood. When I was about 14 we had an argument and she told me that he father physically abused her mom and by extension, that’s probably why she died so young. I never knew that before.
And everything became clear to me in that moment. Now, 40 years later, when I start to feel sorry for myself or beat myself up about things I could have done better as a parent, I think of that day. And I forgive myself because I broke that legacy, which is something my mom could not do.
Had I never known about her childhood, I think I would still be in the “but I could have, should have “ mental loop.
Stop expecting mistakes and guide them through their decisions.
I would not want that mom to be my mother-in-law.
she sounds very controlling and judgmental. Her poor daughter.
At least this boy views it as a negative to watch porn. A lot of guys will do what he’s doing and worse and then say “oh it’s not a big deal”. This mom is obnoxious though, there’s not that many great options to choose from, lady.
The mother won't like any man her daughter dates. Shes so used to her daughter being at her beck and call so she doesn't like the boyfriend 'taking' her daughter away. Strange because its usually certain mothers with sons that act this way.
😂 Where did you get that? She’s worried because her daughter is with an pervert and an addict. That’s devastating and terrifying for any mother. Her daughter definitely deserves far better, everyone does, including the young man. Regardless this has to be the daughters choice. Mom should say her piece, explain why, and then drop it, permanently.
@sarahalderman3126 your comment is as delusional as the uber controlling mother.
@@sarahalderman3126where did you get that😂
Pervert!? Sounds like you drank the same spiked koolaide that Heather did 😂😂😂😂😂
Most NORMAL people don't care about p0rn.
Caller #2 needs to address her OWN pain around the issue of pornography. Until she’s healed, she will superimpose her own unresolved trauma onto her daughter.
I think this is unrelated the pornography. She's a manipulative controlling person.
This is why you dont go snooping
I was homeless, got into drugs, went into prisons, then i got to know Jesus, He changed my life.. Now i make 22k weekly. have a home, a wife, a lovely daughter... A child of God. HALLELUJAH
How did you do it? Do explain please 😯
My family have been into series of sufferings lately
All thanks to Christina Ann Tucker
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my daughter's surgery (Joey). Glory to God.shalom.
I do know Christina A. Tucker, I also have even become successful....
How do I get connection to this woman you speak about!!?
Once my mom (that I love) read my diary (she left if in a different spot) and I felt so betrayed, so sad. I understand as an adult now that might be a good idea to read it if you think something is going on, but at least do it properly.
Some people were never meant for marriage, you were just supposed to own plants and goldfish!
It sure sounds like my niece's story. He increasingly isolated her from her family & used appealing for her help to suck her in. The last time she/they visited them, he never let her out of his sight. She married him & within 2 years, she disappeared from their lives. They have a grandchild they've never seen.
This was so good. I really related. I have been controlled and have been in relationships where they control me and I allow it. Then I resent it. Trying to be reasonable with these people didn’t work, but that was just because I was choosing the wrong people. Now I’m making choices where people are respectful and, they actually listen when I want to share my opinions. We all have choices and no one can do to us what we don’t allow.
Why is she so creepy? If she was the dad... wondering about the p0Rn consumption of his future daughter in law... 🤦🏻♀️ smh
Probably because she doesn’t want her daughter to be involved with a pervert.
@sarahalderman3126 most men are perverts😂
@@sarahalderman3126 she's behaving obsessively. no one wants their kid to mary a pervert. but she is desperate to find evidence to make him one rather than observing negative behavior and responding to it. she's hallucinating because she doesn't want her daughter to grow up
@@og666 I just don’t see it that way. But it isn’t mom’s business and she needs to say how she feels one time and then step back. Instead of this obsessing over it.
@@sarahalderman3126 so, watching adult movies makes a person a creep?
Oh man... you're living in a very cute bubble 😆🙏🏻
Expectations
Can drown
any of us
Learn to measure ur risk
And learn how u fit in the risk curve
That mom… holy moly 😂😂😂
0MGGGGGGGG four marriages and only 52. It screams..."Im afraid of being alone" who's marrying these types of people, others who are afraid of being alone❓️😨
Doctor John says, "What do you keep doing?"
She keeps getting married 🥶
Yeah from the call she was abused by her step father and never processed that trauma. Truly unfortunate because apparently she just continues reenacting that trauma, again and again. However she is looking and that’s the very first step.
Heather, Please understand that holding on too tight to your kids will only stifle their development and they will struggle to function on their own.
Do you hope to be raising your kids until you pass or would you like to be there for them when they get an exciting job, engaged/married, and have children of their own?
Becca, you are the mom of 2024. Don’t let your mother tell you that all the hard work you’ve done to provide a healthy home for your children isn’t good enough.
I’ll say it bc John didn’t, YOUR MOM IS A MEAN LADY AND THAT SUCKS. Keep her away from your heart and at arm’s length. She wanted a reaction from you and decided to say the most hurtful thing she could. Put kid gloves on around her bc she’s basically a 3 year old. Her opinions don’t matter anymore. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t deserve the voice she thinks she gets in your life.
Much love from NH.
For the second caller. the reason your daughter's boyfriend seems to isolate her from your family is because he knows that you all don't like him, and he knows that your opinion can persuade her to end this reloationship.
Second call. Release the strangle hold. Let her go. She will come back to you when shes ready.
for the first caller , why does her husband hate the house, is it the actual house, or if they fight does she say , this is my house? i would like to know the answer to that question he should have asked it
The odds of her filing for divorce go up with each time she initiates it.
Be the bigger person and have some compassion for that innocent little girl. You may be surprised to discover that she is one of the biggest gifts you ever received. Wishing you all the best! ❤
Re Heather . I grew up with a mum like this.
I married a good man. And when we were dating I found my mum reading our love letter emails. It was very hurtful to see my privacy exposed.
With the journal reading why was she reading her daughters journal?
She shouldnt be reading.
My mum did the same.
I've never trusted her again.
I've never come to her with our son.
My husband won't put up with her stuff.
And calls it out .
Don't be afraid . It's scary .
I know but you have to let her learn her things.
Im surprised it wasn't a guy calling in about several marriages. I know personally, if the one I'm in doesn't work out, im not getting married again.
Was waiting for Delony to call second caller out on her crap but instead he coddled her and her feelings.
He was calling her out from the beginning, what were you not hearing?
Huh? He called her out from the beginning! What were you listening to?
Of course he called her out, just in a professional and kind manner. As appropriate. It is what it is. Mom needs to sit her daughter down and say her piece with love and compassion and then leave it alone, permanently.
"I accidentally read her journal" translates to "I snooped in my 22 year old daughters room because I have no boundaries".
At what point do ppl realize that maybe married life isn’t for you if you had not 1 failed marriage but 3, possibly 4th 🤦🏻♀️
Oh god, the second mom is out of control. It seems like she is super controlling and yeah her daughter is going to bolt.
Becca, you sound like an incredibly intelligent and kind woman. Your children are beyond fortunate to have you as their mother. Please don’t allow your mother to rob you of your confidence and joy. Unfortunately she’s jealous of you and misery loves company. Focus on the family you created and the life you’ve built.
Hope the mom can listen to this discussion. Maybe she would have an epiphany.
That woman was grasping at straws to find something tangible to nail that boy with, expecting Dr John to agree with her. You could feel her frustration as he challenged her feelings and questioned why else her daughter may be pulling away. I hope she has a breakthrough and realizes that she’s a large part of the problem here, and makes every attempt to rebuild her relationship with her daughter before it’s too late.
The second caller is totally correct, but she needs to disengage. At the end of the day, her daughter will learn her own lesson on this. If you’re not married, don’t stick around for a man’s pornography “struggles”, they rarely stop unless they have a spiritual transformation, they just start lying about it. They’re “addicted” to watching misogynistic sex content/often acts of abuse on the internet…NO THANKS!
Mom - disengage and focus on finding your own life/interests outside of your daughter.
My (23&26) husband had a pornography problem before we got married. He was open and honest about it and I supported him and helped him through it and I know for a fact he doesn't watch porn anymore. If a man really loves you and wants to do better by you and your relationship he will. I wouldn't recommend sticking around if there isn't complete honesty about his usage (bc he will go back to watching at least once) my timeline was 6 months and if we couldn't get through it we'd go to counseling together. We did and we're happy and have great sex 🥰
@@desimo2686Okay.... Check back in ten years honey
I Agree wholeheartedly. The mother doesn't want her daughter dating this addiction riddled dude. Even if he's not an attic his behavior is still a violation of their moral code. Turn it on
Exactly! I agree 100%!
@@ineedhoez attic ?
The mom of the girl has to get a grip. I feel like she’s making up a lot of excuses for her own behaviors and trying to put the spotlight on the boyfriend.
Also Nobody leaves their journals wide open…
Heather-I was your daughter and I know it was hard for my parents to see it. But they stayed in their lane and was there once I decided to not be with men like that.
I’m also a parent to 3 adult kids. One of them has a wonderful boyfriend and I feel so grateful she is with an incredible guy with a wonderful family. If one of them ends up with a less than ideal person, I know it will be hard for me to stay in my lane, but I will. I think it’s easier for a person to leave a bad person when they know they have a soft place to fall instead of a judgmental one.
My advice is to try and set a regular date with your daughter. Get out of the house, have a meal, go for a walk, go see art or beautiful scenery. Just BE with her in the moment with no agenda. A few days after you do that with them, sit and think about the time you had together and smile while you think about it. If the opportunity arises, bring up the outing and say something simple like, “I really loved that museum. The one painting made an impression on me because it was so intricate. I’m so impressed by someone with that kind of talent. I’m so happy you were there with me.”
I find it so much easier to BE with my adult kids than I did when they were young when there was so much going on & so much to do. Find ways to BE with her. ❤
Heather, maybe he's an awesome guy who's struggling with an addiction and your daughter would rather be in that environment than one that includes a mother who snoops into her private life.
Becca in Canada needs counseling. She seems a nervous wreck and is on pins and needles. Not understanding why she’s so affected by her mother. Stop giving your mother so much power!
I'm not able to avoid discomfort. It's agony. I'm just praying to be able to put out my music despite all of it, and for God to draw closer to me. Many blessings to you all.
whats the common denominator within this sentence.
kudos for figuring it out.