They don't just act humble, they act like the humblest person you've ever met - to an extreme. Such showmen - such a charade. Then, there are the crocodile tears to make you think their emotions are so tender and angelic - such as during a commercial. Then there is the false empathy - which fakes out people like crazy. They are the ultimate hypocrites.
When my ex narcissist introduced himself to me he played this quiet, shy guy who was just looking to get back into the dating scene to meet a nice girl. So he said. He played a humble man who came through a rough divorce from a wife who cheated and left him and their son. His game was perfect. Once the mask started to fall what was revealed was pure evil. They play a great role initially while they are love bombing to gain your trust and affection but it doesn't last long. They can't keep up a facade of that magnitude for long. It's exhausting for them. Stay aware. They are genuinely a wolf in sheep's clothing.
@@loremmyipsum you are brave for sharing your story. Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist takes time. From reading your encounter with him, it is obvious he was looking to control you and make you into what he wanted. Only to discard you later. Take this lesson and learn from it. Show yourself some love and get back to living. Removing yourself from social media is key to healing. I left Facebook this past January and don't miss it at all! Concentrate on you and build up your self esteem, develop boundaries, learn to recognize red flags and get on with your life. Stay aware of him because once you are healing he will return with a hoover. I have received 2 hoover attempts over the last 2 years but I ignore them 100%. I have been narcissist free since 12/2018. His punishment is grand. He will never hear my voice or get my attention ever again. And will die alone. Their fate. Sending you peace and healing.
It is like covert virtue signalling. Lull you into a false sense of security and maybe get you to overshare. I love how you pointed out that those that are truly humble don't advertise it or even mention it.
Thats one of the most dangerous things about them. They lull you into a false sense of security, then when you let your guard down, they sting like a scorpian.
Free Spirit thank you for bringing up that they lull you with this false sense of security.. Can't begin to count the innumerable times that, as a vulnerable narc raised girl or young person I clutched to these kind of behaviors only to be taken advantage of, mocked and used as supply via what they 'd learned about me during that stage.. I felt like such a loser afterwards and for so many years I thought I deserved it because after so many times this had happened , the notion that I 'm a loser was embebed in my self image..
"Father, I come to you as humbly as I know how..." That's how my ex would start his out-loud prayers. After hearing this a few times, I told him that it was starting to sound fake. Things went downhill from there. He finally left when I pointedly told him that I was not ever going to be "good supply," that he would have to get that from someone else. Oddly enough, he knew the lingo. He had been studying up on narcissism during a previous relationship with a therapist. (I learned about it by accident on UA-cam. It truly is addictive subject matter, isn't it?) He divorced me, and moved on to marry some other sucker within a few months. What a roller-coaster ride that was...
Demons are right. They will make you feel like you are doing nothing(even tho you are working your butt off for them) then they will guilt you into doing more and more for them. As they extract your time , life and very soul from you. Emotional vampires.
@@Bonnie55317-w True, I had 3 jobs, working more than 40 hours a week while he was at home with his failed IT business and sleeping during the day. I learned my lesson, never ever again, can smell them now and there is no room for them in my life. My life is about ME and not theirs.
Covert narcs are such experts at this! And people fall for it! They often have a whole harem of followers who admire them. When you are the one person who sees through their act, that harem can turn on you.
That sounds exactly like my mother. She spoke about God but she was such a Narc that she manipulated ppl especially her children to do her bidding. She was unrelenting, and would not take no for an answer. She too , thought she WAS God, and so saintly at the same time.
False humility was the main way I was fooled. For at least a year, I wondered whether I was dealing with a N, but had never heard of the covert type, and this one made sure EVERYONE knew their sob story right away. So I kept thinking, there is something seriously off here, but their insistent weird victimology made it hard for me to spot, until I literally (at my wit's end) googled "Can you be humble and still be a narcissist?" and guess how many hits I got?
My mother in law can cry easily 5-10 times a day..I was under the impression she is an empath..I had some red flags but was confused with her performance of being a meek gentle lady but there were many times she was competing with me here and there..trying to control me but I was blind sided by her crying for her sons all the time..I thought she is such a loving mom..But she was always crying to gain sympathy and acting like a poor little victim..I can’t believe someone can take fake tears more than 5 times a day..how does that happen?
Shipra Trika Yep. Can we say histrionic performances. I’ve seen someone do this before. It’s only an ACT. Obviously something they picked up in childhood. Since she’s not a paid actor, she has unfortunate unresolved MENTAL health issues.
I hate the way the narcissist intrudes into your life and if you set a boundary they act all humble and martyred, claiming they were “ just trying to help”. Ugh. Talk about a spiders web.
Totally! They push right through your boundaries and the second you reinforce your rightful boundaries, even doing it in the most respectful way, they suddenly get all wide-eyed and weepy or like a scolded puppy, and they REVEL in the opportunity to be this innocent victim. Many years ago, I tried to express the pain that I had about my mother's abuse in a hand-written layer (not something I would EVER bother doing now, but that was before I knew it would make no difference), and instead of acknowledging the letter, she kept it folded in her nightstand drawer for years. She used it as a token of her martyrdom. That's all it was to her (zero accountability).
Indeed. They are despicable. They have no boundary recognition and want to be into your life by trampling on any boundary you set up and ended up playing the victim. Such horrible people!
Observe them in an area where they are embedded in a social hierarchy, such as a company or any organization with such a structure. When one of their superiors is around, they shift gears to a higher level of feigned humbleness.
After you've learned about and lived with a covert narcissist they become very transparent and predictable but it's so confusing and devastating to those who are not aware of this sly monster.
Thank you for the red flags! I notice it when people say "I'm humble" or "I'm so humbled" I know one that says "I'll never do a sponsored video" and "I'd never ask for y'all to subscribe" causing indirect insult to those that do ask for subs or do sponsorships. It's almost as if they put themselves on a pedestal by going against the norm. I just feel if someone was truly humble they wouldn't vocalize all the things they are humble about. Tbh I feel a truly humble person would never say they're humble, instead their actions will speak for themselves. I do see this a lot in spiritual / religious people like you said
The covert ones are so good in hiding their true colors that I can't understand why they aren't using their "act skills" at Hollywood movies. It could fuel their ego instead of be everywhere breaking good people.
@N M to a certain extent. There are narcissist, and then there are those that have narcissistic personality disorder. These people can be very dark and damaging.
@Cricket Hop No, many narcs and psychopaths are excellent at pretending to have empathy. It's an act, that's why the old Greek word for actor is called "hypokrite". That's why Hollywood is full of them.
Be careful to not be so closed off to believe that every man or person uses False flattery. Some of us actuslly mean it when stating how a person looks or achievement [s].
@@Bonnie55317-w It's the over the top flattery you have to be watchful for. Measured and authentic flattery is honest and does not over idealize or overstate and anything.
The false humbleness I noticed with my narc ex was her over compensation to look extra nice to servers in restaurants and cashiers at retail stores during the lovebombing stage. When the mask came off, she was really a terrible person to others. It was embarrassing to go anywhere with her.
pdxbound81, I was out to dinner with a narcissist who seemed to be unraveling emotionally. Word salad started. She ordered eggplant parmesan, and when the server brought it out with a side of pasta, she barked at him: "AUTHENTIC eggplant parmesan NEVER comes with a side of pasta!!!" The server and I just looked at her with our mouths open.
Mine used to put on a different voice on the phone, pretending to be extra sweet and shy. I remember that puzzled me a lot I even asked him why he was changing his voice, but obviously he denied it.
I remember my ex going out of her way to give money to a homeless guy on the street while I was out on a date with her, but I sensed even then that this event only took place because of my being there.
I was married for 10 years to an overt narcissist. When I say I was DETERMINED not to make the same mistake, I was on a MISSION. My current husband had GREAT humility and it was so appealing. But now I see that he is just a COVERT narcissist. I have no one but myself to blame but my God!! I had NO IDEA these people existed!!! #lhardlifelesson
I think most people don't. And also as Meredith says it's often so that narcissist in one's life are just getting more sophisticated - covert. Don't be so hard on yourself and I hope you'll be able to get out safely and live your life happily.
Don’t feel bad... it can take years to fully label the covert. You will go years knowing something isn’t right... and having a gross feeling around them but then you see their altruism and it makes you question yourself. And then the cycle begins again. It’s psychological gas lighting... unfortunately these kind have usually done more damage than you know. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find out that this person has been working a narrative about you to everyone in the family behind your back for years. I pray the Lord heals and delivers you! God bless
Don't feel bad sometimes in our effort not to repeat mistakes we try to over correct and now once you have sampled an overt and then a covert narcissist you won't be fooled by either again. good luck x
Your story is my story. First husband was a overt narc. I was determined to NOT recreate that and guess what? Husband #2 was a covert narc. The real issue is that you can’t choose differently until you understand what you are dealing with. And I didn’t wake up to this until after 18 years with covert #2. I still say that to myself also, “who knew that people like this existed?”. They are everywhere.
When I started dating my ex husband, we were both single parents, he came across as “super dad.” Long hours at the office only to spend until 11pm at night driving his favorite child back and forth to soccer practice and then home to fix dinner at 11pm for his other three children. EVERYONE felt so sorry for him, including me. How selfless was this sweet wonderful dad. Fast forward five years after getting married, I packed four suitcases and grabbed some of my twins toys and left. He was a monster to my children. I lived in fear of him. That super dad was a false image. Looking back, he loved the attention of looking so worn down a and selfless. Funny, he didn’t have that much involvement in his other three, average, athletic children. Just his super star child. The one that he was able to bask in her glory. I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my boys recover from his abuse.
I absolutely fell for this! He seemed too good to be true, and he was. I opened up to him, then he used pity to take advantage of me. I ignored so many red flags and then it took me months to get away. Thanks Meredith, your content is so good!
These people have stuck out like a sore thumb for me since the beginning of social media. They are so darn transparent. I’m called negative too for bringing attention to this to people who are blinded by their false positivity and humbleness. 🤷🏼♀️my sister is exactly like this.
You have nailed so beautifully the red flags they carry so proudly, especially false humbleness, that I've been able to detect them here in Brazil. LOL.
Meredith --thank you so much for these beneficial insights. It's so validating and helpful. "They use their humility to harvest the energy and emotions of others." SO true!
Yes, El Diablo ( soon to be ex husband/ narc) acted like he was sooooo humble and the nicest guy in the world! That fooled me and everybody else. I'm sooo thankful to God, to be out of that just over 10 year relationshit!
That’s a good way to spot it, when their humbleness is aimed at making me feel bad about myself. It’s almost as if they were trying to establish a power relationship as in “I’m better than you and therefore superior”. They know who are the good people who see goodness as a good thing and who will then be a good audience for their performance. I met a narc like that and I remember saying the very words “wow, you are such a good person, I learn a lot from you and I have to step up my game”. She chuckled as I said that. I think a truly humble person wouldn’t chuckle in a sense of self pride, but would actually make me see my personal value. FYI, this narc participated in six different charities. And afterwards I had to survive all the mess she left in my life.
Oh absolutely! My covert narc MIL did this all the time. She was a fantastic cook but at every meal she served she had to find something wrong with it too apologize for. It was her way of fishing for compliments. She also made sure to throw in some complaints any time she did something for you. She was a good quilter and would gift beautiful quilts to family only to make sure we all knew how much it made her sciatica flare up and her back hurt. She also volunteered for years for a group for former military and at her funeral the group showed up to put up a big fuss about how wonderful she was. They came in and took up most of the limited seating available, making family move out of the way. I got the feeling she fit in very well with that very showy group. Even the pastor who did her service admonished her grandchildren to be like her. I knew it was coming but actually hearing it was surreal.
I find that the coverts are often friends with the overts and I think they secretly admire their bluntness. So if you wonder why someone has so many annoying friends when they pretend to be so different and they make excuses for their inexcusable behavior that might be a clue the person is one of them. It's the first sign of lacking integrity.
Oh man, this is so spot on. Have a family member who does these things. Whenever he does this I struggle not to roll my eyes but keep a poker face, because I know better. Lol! So fake.
It is so recognizable what you mention about the covert narcissist in your video. I have had a relationship with a covert narcissist person. She used all the trick and trades. Lovebombing, projection, gaslighting, discarding, hoovering, blame game, devaluation. I am happy that I have ended the relationship with my covert narcissist ex partner 19 months ago. I have my life back and have learned a lot about this topic, about myself and am free and me again. Good luck to everybody who is still facing narcissistic abuse and wants to be free again. You will overcome this.
I appreciate so much your dedication to helping us to discover these toxic people and heal, you have helped me so much to toughen up emotionally. PLEASE consider opening a private FB group so we can share our experiences freely and help each other, as anything shared in the current FB page is easily seen by our contacts on FB. 💛
Their deception is disgusting. It hurt so bad to leave my ex narcissist but the more i learn about them i realize how lucky i am that i got away and went no contact. I didn't realize i was just an object in their manipulation game. A game that they play on everyone. No one is special. If you are involved with a narcissistic person you will be manipulated because it's all about them. It always was from day one. My narcissistic experience changed me because now i look around and realize there's many people like this and it's important to be aware so you can protect yourself. Thank you for the video , it's very helpful.
When I asked the Xn about his prior girlfriends he said they all wound up breaking up with him. He didn't know why, he was such a "nice" person, all he wanted was to be loved. Now I know why. We were 20 (me) and 25 when we met, lesson learned. The only role he enjoyed as much as victim was hero. He was on the volunteer fire department for years and found a way to mention it often to get the "Oh, that's such a wonderful thing for you to do" reaction. Beware the self proclaimed "nice" guy (or girl). Truly nice people usually won't say they're nice, they show it with their actions.
Sounds like this piece of crap I dated, definitely a covert passive aggressive narcissist. Prior to meeting me, at some point he had a small dog and the only thing he ever told me about the dog, which he said three different times, was that one time the dog cost him $300 at the vet! Not one nice word about the dog, I had to ask what its name was, not one nice story about anything cute that the dog did or any fun things that they did together, nothing. Just that the dog cost him $300 at the vet ONCE. Well I blasted him on that one. I told him not only did he have a cheap vet but that he should have been taking that dog to the vet every year and not just once in it's poor life. I told him his concern was all about him and it was obvious that he resented having to spend any money on someone other than himself. He has recently broken up with his most recent victim and while she posts on her Facebook of what a mistake it was and how he drained her mentally and emotionally, he posts on his Facebook a new picture of himself, which all the pictures on his Facebook are of him by himself, and his big fat head... but the recent one is captioned something like "oh God please send a good person my way, I am currently single and would just love to share my life with the right one who's all about God and being clean and sober"... or something close to that! Not only is he in no way a person of God but he uses it to reel people in so that they think he's a good person... and publicly stating he's single like that and indicating he's just looking for a good person, would make a single woman read that and think 'oh this poor guy, I'm looking for a good person too and gee I'm religious too and I don't do drugs, I should may be message him'... that's what he's trying to do, get his next victim without even putting much effort into it other than a quick Facebook post with some lies! There should be a narc registry where we put up the names of all the narcs we've dated so we can check that registry and see if the next person we meet is already on there!
Supply, supply. I live with my 85 narc mother. She is worshipped for her humble concern and help given to others. At home when I don t give praise and joy for her harvesting she makes me blow up to get her energy. Any stupid detail triggers me ( 20 years back together) These scenes usually happen in front of my teenage son. I feel bad for my boy and I not being able to free smile or laugh. Good moments are an opportunity of anxiety when the 3 of us are together, so sad man ! Can t leave ; gotta learn to "grey rock" etc. Thank you for your videos and this community. _/\_
I loved the example of the trapping you into thinking you have to prove yourself too!!!! They insinuate an evil that never existed in the first place!!! Thats how we get stuck second guessing doubting and questioning ourselves!!!!!
Her stories about her exes were all about what they could not provide for her. What she was not getting. There was a sense of how she was above it all and how she deserved so much more. Never once did she speak of anything she may have done wrong in those relationships.
She is always extremely sad for other people and has to tell you how sad she is. But never does anything to help. When I encourage her to help others she never does
It feels so good to listen to someone who gets it. thank you for the amazing videos!! My life seems to be flooded with covert narcissists. My mother, my ex boyfriend, bosses, previous friends. I used to think I was doing something wrong because I keep attracting them. But I know it's all for my healing and learning. For me, it's been a huge part of my path to empowerment. My friends don't understand and I'm fairly certain they think "Wendy thinks everyone is a narcissist" lol :) I don't at all. But, like most of us who watch these videos I am an empath and because I've been getting educated on what the spectrum looks like for so many years...I normally spot convert narcissism fairly quickly. I thought I was an expert until last year I started working at job and it took me 8 months to realize my supervisor is a covert narcissist. I was so upset with myself for not seeing it sooner. I was utterly bewildered how it got by me after years of experience and so much research. But things came to light about why I didn't see it. I feel like I have had to learn about this layer after layer. I am still in a situation where I can't go no contact with my mother, but I am hoping that it can happen soon. Big hug back to you and thank you for the fantastic content! I don't know what I would do without people like you.
Wendy Richard, Even when we think we know about narcissism, some can go undetected because each one has their own unique bag of tricks. I know two at work. They're like oil and water to each other, but they both like ME. When I asked each one at different times, why they didn't like the other, they both had the same reason: The other one was so FAKE! (They just showed it in different ways.)
It's so crazy how many narcissists there are out in the world. & once you get used to recognizing things that narcissists do, you start to recognize them everywhere.
Wendy Richard / having the same experience. Most recent was a psychopathic narc frenemy who spent 8 months settling up an elaborate trap to ruin me financially. I suddenly saw beneath the mask when he slipped because he’d been trying to go without supply to get to the big surprise finale. I withdrew because of an attitude that was curiously off. I only slowly began connecting the dots after going no contact. ... because it’s just so hard to believe that such pure evil exists! But he was so desperate for contact that he kept texting (baiting) me with little breadcrumbs of evidence. It felt SO good to know I escaped in the nick of time depriving him of that victory! I honestly believe my whole life is about gaining this clarity and wisdom because they’ve been my family, landlord, boss or coworker in every job I’ve had, all my life these nightmare scenarios. But we are now like that Tommy Lee Jones character in Men in Black... we see all the aliens that others mistake for humans. I swear they are over half the population! It’s SO damn exhausting. But I wouldn’t trade this wisdom for anything. You either see them or you’re what they are having for their lunch. 🤮 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
TOO TRUE. Spot on. I've met a VERY covert type and it is scary how well he could disguise himself under humbleness. He does really horrible things and no one from his environment says a word. He is such a "good human being", constantly "caring" for others and supposedly getting only poor reactions back, like no one is grateful for all the "good things" he does. It always looks as if he is justified to do those horrible things to others. I mean it's just SCARY to watch.
False humbleness: Her voice changes to a slight raspy tone as in “I am about to cry” whenever she starts “sharing” religious info or during prayer. Always and without exception. “Ooo, I am so humble and am about to cry because this is soooo close to my heart...” and then BAM! - gotcha suckers!!!
Ephesians6TEN18, Thanks for the laugh! as this is so familiar to a woman I know at church. One of her tricks is the big wide eyes, and with mouth dropped open like she's seeing the parting of the heavens or something. It's so funny, but she's deadly serious about her wonderfulness! "LOVELY!" and "MUCH BELOVED!" and other way flowery phrases are constantly in use to do the "gotcha suckers!". The most upsetting thing to me is that it WORKS! at least with some people.
Jeanog 😊Yes, “absolutely stunning” is another jingle catchphrase which these Sirens use to lure the masses to their graves. Not me, I once was blind, but now I see.
I've encountered and formed relationships with so many of these people since my youth and have subsequently cut them out once seeing the truth. Now, I'm tired and lonely and don't trust my own judgement. Once you've lived in this pattern for so long, it's hard to know how to change and stop attracting them.
Heidi, you are not the only one who feels that way, 💜 I got so disappointed with myself for falling into the web of my last relationship with a covert narc, after knowing so much about this disorder.., I had to learn being my own support system after all these hard lessons and grow some kind of hard shell, even though I know I would not change my heart, I was born that way after all.. Maybe people like us should live in the same neighbourhood to re-gain our trust and sanity. Sending you hugs!
Before knowing this I though that someone who was in a charity and did all this selfless things couldn´t be a narcissit, but now I ask myself: Well, how do you know he does all these things? and I find myself answering "well. he told me". And I think that has to be a giveaway of narcissistic behavior, because as you said they are pretty nuch bragging but with a humble mask
Most narcs are in some charities. Charities are full of them. Watch their actions. They cant do nothing for anyone without recognition. My ex acted like she was so thoughtfull of everyone, yet when she come to visit she would park her bike right behind other cars so no one could get out, she would go turn the water on while someone else was in the shower. she came on my birthday but we had to do what she wanted and she got mad if we didnt. Everything was about her.
I was stuck in a relationship of this kind for almost 5 years, and i always had kind of a pattern of situations like this and with narcissism in general until i started to watch your videos and found more information about this topic. It really has opened my eyes and helped me to leave those cycles of abuse. Keep doing your work 🙌🙌🙌
i watched them change in front of my eyes.. once humble a grateful for help while unemployed- Job back & an arrogance that came out in the form of superiority , rude remarks, projecting arguments & literally bragging outloud about how great they are
I had a boss, he was Mr. Humility. Like you said it was all a con but it and he was very effective and most people didn’t know and will never know. They are the most difficult to detect and to work with to get anything done. He hid behind the bible. Power and control was his deal.
Thank you so much for this video. I love your straightforwardness, no sugar coating, no gas lighting of plain reality; i have encountered this many tines but somehow i have NEVER heard speak about it openly. Its indeed all about them, showing how good they are.
Feeling so much better. My health getting better as I put to work the zero contact, despite of the attempts of contacting me intermittently, to harvest attention and entertainment, ghosting and bombing love. Is great!!! Stops the leak of energy. Still much work to do with my thoughts. Thank you dear. I love you!
I nailed one of my acquaintances at church. She always knows ‘exactly where I am coming from’, and is so humble about all the work she does for the choir. I didn’t know why she would go on and on about how much she was doing. Now I know. Thank you for helping me recognize it so I can keep her just as an acquaintance with proper boundaries. This is so my no contact mother too. At my kids birthday parties she would go on and on about how she works three part-time jobs working with the needy, never taking a vacation. Nice for me to be able to frame it in retrospect. You have been such a help going no contact with her for almost a year now.
Thank you so much. Unfortunately, this is my parents. I am sickened by the recent discovery of who they are. It's because they "overplayed their hand" and the story would take too long for me, but they gaslit me, triangulated me with a neighbor they know is toxic and has endangered me, I ended up in a psych ward. But the education and your channel, along with others, helped me to see that (I am on a new email, for various reasons, same as why one would change their phone number). I knew nothing was wrong with me to the degree they wanted to see myself as when the psych ward released me in less than one day. my mother became religious right before I was born, I'm the youngest of three (by 15 and 11 years...my older sister is dead now and I see their abuse towards her for what it was. They didn't "do their best" as others would try to have me believe. They did the work of Narcissistic psychopaths. That's the label I must use, and believe me, I have done psychological gymnastics to try to make myself wrong about this. They used me as a object to live through sending me to religious school when my older siblings weren't. When I journaled about being gay, my mother read it and used it as a terrorist campaign against me, trying to get me on the phone with religious "leaders," covertly putting me in to hypnosis therapy to "de-gay" me. My parents are evil and the spectacle they engineered less than a month ago , by breaking and entering into my apt and using covert shock tactics to have me screaming in the middle of the night. At least one cop and one doctor/nurse validated my experience and listened to me. I begged them to make my parents believe they saved me and that I am really sick, otherwise they'll come back. I begged them over and over, as I overheard them questioning my parents and realising they do not live with me, didn't know where my medications were, my dog's name. I am perhaps going through this s "PTSD crash" and doing whatever I can to not settle back into cognitive dissonance, while taking care of my Self by myself. It's hard AF. Thank you so much Meredith for all that you do. You have and continue to guide me.
Ha ha, I have a next door neighbor (I just moved in 2 months ago), who keeps hitting on me, and trying to wheedle his way into my life. Keeps talking about, "if you ever need anything just call me and I'll be right there". And, "I don't ever want to do anything to offend you", (while holding his hands in prayer position at his heart! Give me a f'ing break!) and blah blah blah. I'm not falling for any of it, I've already heard him talk about people in a disdainful way, and seen his eyes cloud over in barely suppressed anger as he's talking about them, then suddenly switch and become all angelic when he's talking to me. 20 years ago, hell probably even 10 years ago I might have fallen for his fake humbleness, but I know too much now! Thanks Meredith! You were the one who started me on my path to recovering from narcissistic abuse; I didn't even know what it was until I found your videos a couple of years ago. Thankfully I am so much stronger now, and have discarded the narcissists in my life, and am keeping all the sharks swimming around out there at a safe distance 😃
Can also fall into the "Pillar of the Community" role where they are the one that seems to always be a part of the community events, praises themselves for all the hard work they do in said events or participation, etc. How does the psalm go... Something to the sort of "Give not alms to the poor in seeking the notice of other men. Give alms in the quiet, so only the lord may see. For doing so in the view of other men is seeking righteousness of those who would be hypocrites and worship a false god." While not overtly religious this has always spoken to me. If I have to tell someone how great I am (or they me) then I truly am not great and only seeking praise to boost my own ego.
My narcissistic family member does something similar, the other day she saw a couple walking by the house and the man of the couple had a mask but the woman didn’t, so she stopped them and gave the woman a mask, she’s been bragging about it ever since to everyone that passes by, how virtuous she is because she gave someone a mask.
Workplace: a woman was too nice and talked too much...too extra. I was suspect and kept a distance. Then when she didn't get her way...I saw the anger and entitlement attitude. The mask slipped.
OMG this video cracked me up cause my ex did this several times. I watch these videos and I’m always surprised at how text book narcissistic he is but this one made me laugh cause he did this one too. How he helped the local church, how he’s such a nice guy cause he considered staying at his other apartment to give me space. Early on I told him he didn’t need to keep trying to sell me on him, I was there. That I’d never been with anyone who promoted himself so much. We only lasted 6 months and that was a rollercoaster.
Does this include someone who tries to help you out like painting a room in your house or helping in your garden seemingly with no expectation of receiving anything in return, and then later they ask you to do something for them and they use the things they insisted on doing for you (you never asked them to work in your garden for example) to make you feel like you have to do something for them (like drive them somewhere when you need are normally at work) or something else? After experiencing this, unless I really know someone well, I don't let them do anything for me anymore because it was used as leverage for me to do something for them or to really make me feel bad when I couldn't do something for them right away. I remember this person telling me that they "actually, I am very generous in helping people" when I first met them.
This is definitely a trait of the covert types. I would say it fits with the topic of “the extortion of trust” a video I made maybe 6 months ago. They do something for you, which makes you want to trust them and feel indebted to them, then they use that to get you to do what they want or to feel bad that they did something for you. Often what they want is something against your boundaries or responsibilities, like you mentioned during work hours.
@@heathy1364 Hi, Merdith, great video, thank you! ✨Validating my own experience totally. I've noticed the trait described by Seeking Peace & Truth to be typical for both types- covert and overt. I try not to accept help from strangers or people who I don't know well for this reason, especially if they are very determined to ''offer''you their help. I think it just looks more drastic and has more of an impact on empaths when it comes from a covert narcissist because their words of 'generousity'and genuine humbleness don't match their actions, so it's really shocking and upsetting when you find out they were never genuine .
Seeking Peace & Truth, Watch out! Especially with neighbors. Our neighbor (we are two elderly sisters) has been pulling tricks like this for years. He's very pushy about having his way around our property. (under the guise of being a good neighbor by bringing his lawn mower onto our property and just starting to mow our lawn!) I told him please not to, and he acted all hurt. There are things he wants from us, too many and detailed to mention here, but he believes he can bamboozle us and eventually get our house really cheap for his son, thinking we will be grateful to him. He will use the excuse that he has tried to be such a good kind neighbor. Oh, uh-huh. A real con artist is what he is. He takes us for fools, because before we figured him out, we were nice to him. It's been very stressful having him next door. Just the sight of him makes us nervous. So, don't let yourself become beholden to anyone. True and honest help unfolds between trusting friends, and you'll be able to feel the difference when it's coming from true intentions. It's the INSISTENCE and pushy behavior that reveals false intentions, I believe.
Jeanog totally! We have a neighbour just like this! She is horrible! Pushes her way around pretending to have baked things for our children that are blatantly shop bought! She is obsessed with her parking space which is on a free open road and asks people to move their cars if they are in it! I’m so pleased this pandemic has allowed no contact! The other side aren’t much better, watching us on CCTV and going down our bins! It seems they are obsessed with us! 😳
Another tactic I have found that is beyond humbleness (humility?) is the martyr...everything happens to them, and they don’t deserve it...they never got a break, etc. Subliminally, I feel they are trying to incite you to counter them, thereby giving them supply. For instance, “I’m a failure, nothing good will ever happen to me”. And the empath says, “No, that’s not true...you are a good and deserving person...here, let me help you.”
I'm in a legacy issue with my narc mother who will have to be lawfully forced to give me my due share - yet she insists in pretending she's "not after the money". My adult 22yo son who now took her side and parasites on her (he has moved into her household and she pays everything) has told me *I WOULD RUIN HIS LIFE* if I might insist in receiving from my father's legacy what is simply my inheritance right and written national law (in Germany). They're BOTH of that type; yet my mother shows the overt more often, she only uses false humbleness to dismiss and mock on my own true relationship with Jesus Christ because she doesn't understand what real humbleness before God might be.
Were these disorders always around, and nobody noticed them? What is wrong with people today? Why can't people just be people? Where did we go wrong? Somebody, please, help me to understand this?!
what I noticed over the years: they often do things you never requested or asked for, and they say how much they care for you, they do so much for other people and for you, and then they will request their payback. Overall idea: *I do for you something that's not hard for me to do and you did not ask for, but will request something I need from you at my own time*.
I am discovering a religious narcissist is my life . My mom. However, I have had a lot these people in my life and one thing they will say is “I forgive her, I’m a very forgiving person and I feel sorry that she cannot forgive and let go of the past”. They say this due to having boundaries and going no contact. My mom especially will always talk about herself and how great she is and she rarely gives you time to speak and when you do she changes the subject, or uses the vulnerability as an opportunity to tell you everything wrong with you. I finally caught up with facade and am finally no longer in denial since she has turned her focus on my children, her grand children, and pronounces religious judgment on them for not giving her hugs or not giving her enough attention; this cloaked under a guise of humility. Acting as if she cares for us and is only being honest. It’s difficult listening to the projecting, stating that I’m arrogant and not humble one when lovingly confronting her behavior and standing up for my children.
The glare I got from my mom when I put a couple of dollars in the tithing basket at church never clicked until I realized her need for acknowledgement in tithing by putting in a check every time. So crazy.
Watch out for this in 12 Step recovery groups. If someone presents themselves as an expert- tread carefully. Those rooms are full of damaged people needing adoration.
My goodness, my ex covert, his bio on Instagram read " I'm the most humble" I remember thinking, why would he put that? A person who is humble doesn't announce it.
Suddenly finding myself reassuring someone I've just met, or continually feeling I must reassure people I know is a definite indicator/reminder of this for me. Also, if in doubt, I find if I call something out re: the false humbleness, a "normal" person will often stop and reflect. (A simple "why are you saying x, because I've observed y", or "have you tried x?") A narcissist will get pretty tense pretty fast. I've seen people go from "I'm so nice/unsure of myself" to rage so fast when I've just prodded that little bit.
I was trying to convince my sister about our mothers narcissism so she would not complain to me anymore when mother was being intrusive, controlling, demeaning etc. Her reply was "she is so spiritual and does not want to hear about this narcissism thing, it is too "scientific and unspiritual" and her mission is to get enlightened to feel blis forever and save the children of the world". Yet she rages, abuses, is socially awkward, disrespecctful, entitled, rude to people close to her and keeps believing she is an "earth angel". Then I heard her child ask me, why mom never admits being wrong, why does she meditate 3 hours a day and rest stare at the mirror of herself and tell everyone should meditate as much she does and she is basically the best person on earth. Then it struck me. My humble, children saving sister, is a covert narcissist. And 30 years of my life finally made sense.
Dear Meredith, thank you! You came in my life at the right time. I joined a Church, and I could t even sleep at night! You came in the right time, as they were exactly as you describe it here! God bless you!
It still has me stunned how many people fall for their false humility. It gives them power and credit, so they can do whatever they want. In case of an artist I learned it is perverse how blind people can get.
@@ladennayoung2939 No, not a thing of fault. Not a concept I would apply here. It is more that we, as people, are easely fooled. It seems human. Yet I am stunned about it. May I?
😂 💯 if they are a musician esp look out everyone is fooled thinking they are famous or worshiping them it's so vile it's hard to look at those blind followers as anything other than sheeple
@@freefree832 I dated one in my 40's I knew something was off with in the 1st 48 hours. Damn if I didn't get tortured in every way a person can be ..until I went no contact with help from family after 2 years of hell.
Living with a horrible narc and it’s almost a daily thing to walk on eggshells or other carnage from the other day I am now in the throws of her shaming and guilt because of not giving into her demands for $$ I will pay a price for saying no, who no’s what that will be and get to live with my guts in knot and terrified until this stay at home order lifts!! 😔
Thank you so much for all the help you give for the people abused by narcissists. You have brought so much light and peace in my life as I am too a victim of narcs. Even if now I am better than 2 years ago I still follow your videos and watch some a second time as a reminder of how dangerous this people can be and how to stay away from them. (my narc is still in my life as I am co-parenting so I need to always be prepared and strong). Sending you love
I watch a UA-cam channel where I notice the owner of the channel always starts her videos by apologizing for bothering people by presenting another video. It seemed false to me. She has about 140 thousand subscribers. Obviously, the audience will show up. I commented to her that she did not have to apologize for downloading another video. I find her videos informative and I enjoy the topic. In her next video, she did the same thing, apologizing for appearing in yet another video. Then she gave us a house tour. The woman is obviously well off. She acted very snobbish throughout the rest of the video. Her subject matter is the source of her wealth. No jealousy on my part. It just felt lacking in authenticity. I checked her online shop. A plant I purchased for $5.99 is listed in her shop for $98.00. Mind you, my plant is just growing from a cutting. And hers is a big bushy plant. I suddenly realized the possibilities for creating an income. I don't like her personality but I can overlook whatever I don't like because she is offering me knowledge I did not have. She is actually a good person. I just wondered why put up the facade of feeling apologetic since she keeps repeating the same behavior over and over. I guess she believes that the behavior works for her and helps build her channel. I cannot argue with her trying to achieve more success. I just wondered why she behaved the way she did. Now I understand. Thank you.
That makes sense. And it’s good that you can separate the wheat from the chaff in order to extract the knowledge that you can learn from her and leave the rest. That shows maturity 🙌
my covert narcissistic coworkers always brag about how nice they are but are always involved in drama and talk shit about everyone. when they don’t get their way they lash out. covert narcissists are the most passive aggressive people on earth and love pretending that they care about you just to use what you say against them. when you try to have boundaries they keep forcing you to trust them. i had a covert coworker who would always say that she is nice and everyone is mean to her and would go on and on about how her ex husband and family abused her and she is nothing like them. she would compare herself to me by bringing up how i don’t drive or own a car and rub the fact that she does in my face. she criticized me for becoming a full time employee at our job and kept saying that i don’t make enough money now that i work there full time. she was on welfare and food stamps and constantly complaining about how she was broke. she kept putting pressure on me to work where she wanted me to and when i told her no in firm tone she said she was just trying to “help” and other people take her help instead of getting offended. on top of all of this she was racist. i reported her to our managers. she said i was lying and quit. 🙃
I think its important that you mentioned that it's the pattern that is what it makes it stand out as false, and I say this because everyone goes through low self esteem and displaced self worth and no one is free of that until they root it out of their subconscious. I also acknowledge that people have grown up with self doubt for many reasons and they are lessons that we need to go through in order to discover the truth about ourselves and life. Like the Oracle of Delphi says, know thy self and thy will know the universe. I also find there are many truly authentic spiritual people and spiritual beliefs who in earnest don't charge and who give freely, and that is an authentic principle of giving spiritual teachings, a spiritually derived principle common in all cultures and throughout time and is not a man made construct. It's unfortunate that the truly good have been netted with the fool's gold, and I hope that people will make use of their intuition to tell the difference.
Now that I am researching and found out about what Narcissistic behavior is I can clearly see how this early sign is so important! I’ve been married to a covert, altruistic Narcissist for 16 years and I always knew something was so off about him but couldn’t explain what it was. I am now getting a divorce after being separated from him for a little over a year. He tried to reconcile with me and thru counseling found out he had many affairs and was still working with his most recent affair partner.. I called off the reconciliation when he refused to fire her.. when I look back, there had been so many signs! And the fake humility was a huge one! He had always been telling everyone what a great person he was and how he lives his life thru humility and helping people and doing the right thing. This was a topic of conversation when he would just meet someone or if he was talking to family members, his wife or his friends. A major reoccurring theme that caused me to have cognitive dissonance not believing he would be a liar and a cheater for most of our marriage because “he wouldn’t do that, he tells everyone what a great, honest, caring, good person he is all the time”. There is no way he is not that kind of person! Now I know what to look out for when I meet anyone!! Thank goodness for all this support and information I’m receiving thru these on-line communities! Now I can actually put a name to the emotional abuse I’ve been receiving for so long and I don’t feel crazy or the “broken defective one” as he had told me for most of our relationship! I’ve cut this person for the most part out of my life. Still co-parenting with this person with little contact. I’ve made boundaries that are continually being tested by him, but by me holding strong I can heal without this toxic person in my life. I worry about my two boys being raised by this man, but know I can’t control what he does and the only thing I can control is what I do and how I raise my boys:). I’m working hard at teaching them humility and authenticity so they can grow up with normal emotional intelligence:)
My soon to be ex wife would have times she would use this to make me feel awful and make me feel I was the bad person in our marriage. She would go on about how much she did for the kids and me and because she had to take the kids to daycare and I didn't that I didn't really care about our children. She later got a job working as a case manager and would go on and on about how she felt connected with the kids she worked with and how much they would tell her they loved her. Soon after I found out about all the multiple affairs she had had and was still having the mask started to fade. She would one day be talking about the kids she worked with but it was always about how much they appreciated her. She would carefully add in about how much she cared about them. The next day I would hear her mumbling things like "These stupid kids, I just can't deal with this today" and she would even have moments she would flat out tell me how she couldn't stand the very kids she had earlier talked so highly of. Even our own kids she started having moments where she even told me she dissociated from them and didn't feel anything for them. She acted all humble like she was doing me a favor only asking for me to pay $300 in child support because she cared about me and didn't want to take all my money (really think about it and how entitled do you have to be to cheat on someone and then discard them and expect to be payed monthly by them). I started paying more attention and realize how she acted like she cared but it's all just going through certain movements with Narcs. Really watch them and you will see they do things that portray they care but when it comes to intimacy and actually being there they are no where to be found. The more I look back the more I see how she doesn't actually care about our children. They are merely used to show a facade to others that she cares about more than herself. Playing the helpless mother that was emotionally abused by me and had to find another man to save her. Good video. This is exactly how they work. And my wife at the end was even looking at all this self help stuff and using it to manipulate things with me. We were supposed to be working things out after I found out about the affairs but it was just another cover in her game. I was shut down for trying to heal if I needed closure. Told I was harassing her or emotionally abusing her by asking why or anything related to her double life. Told I did not respect her privacy and therefore did not respect her. She would play up how she needed to work on herself and that I was not allowing her to heal. Gaslighting became the only thing I was given. I always saw it at the beginning just never thought about narcissism (because they do a good job at making you believe they are humble and well maybe you are overthinking it). Sometimes I would mention how I thought she was sounding a bit arrogant and she would flip out on me and turn into me being mean. I can't believe how much I shrugged off during our first 2 years that should have been red flags. Just fell for the letting her make me feel like I was the one being mean by bringing it up technique they use. Clear as day to me now though. I found a lot of the messages to her affairs. She uses the same things she did when we first meant. Playing it up like a victim.
Yes, it's a trap. They always try to get you to explain yourself to everybody else and them. It's almost as if they are trying to engage in a conversation by accusing you of something and making you defend yourself. Notice how that never happens to them. It's just you. Especially when there's a crowd of people. do you remember scrambling trying to figure out what just happened and trying to explain yourself and trying to seem like a normal and a good person
Thanks for sharing this. I was on a date with my wife and some very young beggar asked us for money. I felt bad for that guy and talked about it to my wife. She switched the conversation into how she fed starving kids in africa while beeing on a business trip and how good she was. She didn't show any any empathy for that beggar. Now reflecting on that I wish I had seen the warning signs about her much earlier.
If anyone has to tell you how great they are, they aren’t too great.
Yes day r,if u believe em
susan529 Classic.
susan529 I agee!
Pride....comes before the fall
🎯
They don't just act humble, they act like the humblest person you've ever met - to an extreme. Such showmen - such a charade. Then, there are the crocodile tears to make you think their emotions are so tender and angelic - such as during a commercial. Then there is the false empathy - which fakes out people like crazy. They are the ultimate hypocrites.
Yup. They always make sure to get you to see them crying. Then they gloat and smirk about it later. Its slimy
YESSSS they OVERCOMPENSATE! Due to their PARANOIA of you detecting and exposing them
When my ex narcissist introduced himself to me he played this quiet, shy guy who was just looking to get back into the dating scene to meet a nice girl. So he said. He played a humble man who came through a rough divorce from a wife who cheated and left him and their son. His game was perfect. Once the mask started to fall what was revealed was pure evil. They play a great role initially while they are love bombing to gain your trust and affection but it doesn't last long. They can't keep up a facade of that magnitude for long. It's exhausting for them. Stay aware. They are genuinely a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Absolutely, well said.
Sounds like you were gaslighted with pity. Its always a tragedy story with them. I never trust people who come to me with SOB stories anymore
Omg same story you just described what I lived
@@lisanelson302 they are all clones.
@@loremmyipsum you are brave for sharing your story. Recovering from a relationship with a narcissist takes time. From reading your encounter with him, it is obvious he was looking to control you and make you into what he wanted. Only to discard you later. Take this lesson and learn from it. Show yourself some love and get back to living. Removing yourself from social media is key to healing. I left Facebook this past January and don't miss it at all! Concentrate on you and build up your self esteem, develop boundaries, learn to recognize red flags and get on with your life. Stay aware of him because once you are healing he will return with a hoover. I have received 2 hoover attempts over the last 2 years but I ignore them 100%. I have been narcissist free since 12/2018. His punishment is grand. He will never hear my voice or get my attention ever again. And will die alone. Their fate. Sending you peace and healing.
It is like covert virtue signalling. Lull you into a false sense of security and maybe get you to overshare. I love how you pointed out that those that are truly humble don't advertise it or even mention it.
Thats one of the most dangerous things about them. They lull you into a false sense of security, then when you let your guard down, they sting like a scorpian.
“Virtue signaling” is a great synonym!
Free Spirit thank you for bringing up that they lull you with this false sense of security.. Can't begin to count the innumerable times that, as a vulnerable narc raised girl or young person I clutched to these kind of behaviors only to be taken advantage of, mocked and used as supply via what they 'd learned about me during that stage.. I felt like such a loser afterwards and for so many years I thought I deserved it because after so many times this had happened , the notion that I 'm a loser was embebed in my self image..
Exactly
"Father, I come to you as humbly as I know how..." That's how my ex would start his out-loud prayers. After hearing this a few times, I told him that it was starting to sound fake. Things went downhill from there. He finally left when I pointedly told him that I was not ever going to be "good supply," that he would have to get that from someone else. Oddly enough, he knew the lingo. He had been studying up on narcissism during a previous relationship with a therapist. (I learned about it by accident on UA-cam. It truly is addictive subject matter, isn't it?) He divorced me, and moved on to marry some other sucker within a few months. What a roller-coaster ride that was...
They use their "humbleness"to make you feel guilty, the feeling that you did nothing or that you weren't there. Twisted people/demons they are.
Demons are right. They will make you feel like you are doing nothing(even tho you are working your butt off for them) then they will guilt you into doing more and more for them. As they extract your time , life and very soul from you. Emotional vampires.
@@Bonnie55317-w True, I had 3 jobs, working more than 40 hours a week while he was at home with his failed IT business and sleeping during the day. I learned my lesson, never ever again, can smell them now and there is no room for them in my life. My life is about ME and not theirs.
Covert narcs are such experts at this! And people fall for it! They often have a whole harem of followers who admire them. When you are the one person who sees through their act, that harem can turn on you.
Oh yes!!!!!!..,,
A harem of fly8ng monkeys!
My incubator uses false humility to try to get people to believe she's a woman of God. The truth is that she thinks she's the God. 🙄
That sounds exactly like my mother. She spoke about God but she was such a Narc that she manipulated ppl especially her children to do her bidding. She was unrelenting, and would not take no for an answer. She too , thought she WAS God, and so saintly at the same time.
@@Bonnie55317-w good gut ,good god
Bravo, Meredith! Bravo!
That's weird people think that... I had a ex gf that kept saying she was 'lucifer'... I learned later that it's all a power issue
I think a pastor at the church I went to was a narc.
False humility was the main way I was fooled. For at least a year, I wondered whether I was dealing with a N, but had never heard of the covert type, and this one made sure EVERYONE knew their sob story right away. So I kept thinking, there is something seriously off here, but their insistent weird victimology made it hard for me to spot, until I literally (at my wit's end) googled "Can you be humble and still be a narcissist?" and guess how many hits I got?
BEabove Leadership When you sense there’s something OFF .... that’s an indication of ambiguity....the setting off of red flags.
My mother in law can cry easily 5-10 times a day..I was under the impression she is an empath..I had some red flags but was confused with her performance of being a meek gentle lady but there were many times she was competing with me here and there..trying to control me but I was blind sided by her crying for her sons all the time..I thought she is such a loving mom..But she was always crying to gain sympathy and acting like a poor little victim..I can’t believe someone can take fake tears more than 5 times a day..how does that happen?
Shipra Trika Yep. Can we say histrionic performances. I’ve seen someone do this before. It’s only an ACT. Obviously something they picked up in childhood. Since she’s not a paid actor, she has unfortunate unresolved MENTAL health issues.
I hate the way the narcissist intrudes into your life and if you set a boundary they act all humble and martyred, claiming they were “ just trying to help”. Ugh. Talk about a spiders web.
Totally! They push right through your boundaries and the second you reinforce your rightful boundaries, even doing it in the most respectful way, they suddenly get all wide-eyed and weepy or like a scolded puppy, and they REVEL in the opportunity to be this innocent victim. Many years ago, I tried to express the pain that I had about my mother's abuse in a hand-written layer (not something I would EVER bother doing now, but that was before I knew it would make no difference), and instead of acknowledging the letter, she kept it folded in her nightstand drawer for years. She used it as a token of her martyrdom. That's all it was to her (zero accountability).
Indeed. They are despicable. They have no boundary recognition and want to be into your life by trampling on any boundary you set up and ended up playing the victim. Such horrible people!
*The* *humble* *will* *stumble*
🤣
Observe them in an area where they are embedded in a social hierarchy, such as a company or any organization with such a structure. When one of their superiors is around, they shift gears to a higher level of feigned humbleness.
Frank Looking4Light yesss! OMG, you reminded me of one specific example in my old work! 🤮
Yes! They shapeshift
Yes right??? These people always rub me the wrong way.
Excellent way to see what's going on, Frank! Harmless yet revealing.
Spot on!
False humility is a bait used to control you and get you fall in their trap. Put on your nike shoes and run as fast as you can 😂
After you've learned about and lived with a covert narcissist they become very transparent and predictable but it's so confusing and devastating to those who are not aware of this sly monster.
Thank you for the red flags! I notice it when people say "I'm humble" or "I'm so humbled" I know one that says "I'll never do a sponsored video" and "I'd never ask for y'all to subscribe" causing indirect insult to those that do ask for subs or do sponsorships. It's almost as if they put themselves on a pedestal by going against the norm. I just feel if someone was truly humble they wouldn't vocalize all the things they are humble about. Tbh I feel a truly humble person would never say they're humble, instead their actions will speak for themselves. I do see this a lot in spiritual / religious people like you said
The covert ones are so good in hiding their true colors that I can't understand why they aren't using their "act skills" at Hollywood movies. It could fuel their ego instead of be everywhere breaking good people.
They will still break good people. That won't stop them from behaving the way that they do. Inflicting pain gives them joy/peace.
@N M to a certain extent. There are narcissist, and then there are those that have narcissistic personality disorder. These people can be very dark and damaging.
@Cricket Hop No, many narcs and psychopaths are excellent at pretending to have empathy. It's an act, that's why the old Greek word for actor is called "hypokrite". That's why Hollywood is full of them.
No cuz they belong away from society. They would be controlling everyone working there. I wouldn't wish all that abuse on so many victims.
Dripping with maudlin emotions and false flattery beware the psychopath, the knife that hides behind the smile.
They over flatter to get you to let your guard down. Sugar couldnt be sweeter.
Be careful to not be so closed off to believe that every man or person uses False flattery. Some of us actuslly mean it when stating how a person looks or achievement [s].
@@Bonnie55317-w It's the over the top flattery you have to be watchful for. Measured and authentic flattery is honest and does not over idealize or overstate and anything.
The false humbleness I noticed with my narc ex was her over compensation to look extra nice to servers in restaurants and cashiers at retail stores during the lovebombing stage. When the mask came off, she was really a terrible person to others. It was embarrassing to go anywhere with her.
pdxbound81, I was out to dinner with a narcissist who seemed to be unraveling emotionally. Word salad started. She ordered eggplant parmesan, and when the server brought it out with a side of pasta, she barked at him: "AUTHENTIC eggplant parmesan NEVER comes with a side of pasta!!!" The server and I just looked at her with our mouths open.
Mine used to put on a different voice on the phone, pretending to be extra sweet and shy. I remember that puzzled me a lot I even asked him why he was changing his voice, but obviously he denied it.
@@gerafinali4384 ..OMG....that's what i have experienced.
I remember my ex going out of her way to give money to a homeless guy on the street while I was out on a date with her, but I sensed even then that this event only took place because of my being there.
I was married for 10 years to an overt narcissist. When I say I was DETERMINED not to make the same mistake, I was on a MISSION. My current husband had GREAT humility and it was so appealing. But now I see that he is just a COVERT narcissist. I have no one but myself to blame but my God!! I had NO IDEA these people existed!!! #lhardlifelesson
I think most people don't. And also as Meredith says it's often so that narcissist in one's life are just getting more sophisticated - covert. Don't be so hard on yourself and I hope you'll be able to get out safely and live your life happily.
Yep mi wifey, was a doozie, twozie
Don’t feel bad... it can take years to fully label the covert. You will go years knowing something isn’t right... and having a gross feeling around them but then you see their altruism and it makes you question yourself. And then the cycle begins again. It’s psychological gas lighting... unfortunately these kind have usually done more damage than you know. I wouldn’t be surprised if you find out that this person has been working a narrative about you to everyone in the family behind your back for years. I pray the Lord heals and delivers you! God bless
Don't feel bad sometimes in our effort not to repeat mistakes we try to over correct and now once you have sampled an overt and then a covert narcissist you won't be fooled by either again. good luck x
Your story is my story. First husband was a overt narc. I was determined to NOT recreate that and guess what? Husband #2 was a covert narc. The real issue is that you can’t choose differently until you understand what you are dealing with. And I didn’t wake up to this until after 18 years with covert #2. I still say that to myself also, “who knew that people like this existed?”. They are everywhere.
When I started dating my ex husband, we were both single parents, he came across as “super dad.” Long hours at the office only to spend until 11pm at night driving his favorite child back and forth to soccer practice and then home to fix dinner at 11pm for his other three children. EVERYONE felt so sorry for him, including me. How selfless was this sweet wonderful dad. Fast forward five years after getting married, I packed four suitcases and grabbed some of my twins toys and left. He was a monster to my children. I lived in fear of him. That super dad was a false image. Looking back, he loved the attention of looking so worn down a and selfless. Funny, he didn’t have that much involvement in his other three, average, athletic children. Just his super star child. The one that he was able to bask in her glory. I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my boys recover from his abuse.
This needs Criminal Justice as any Violence and damage! there is No Tolerance in "Love"! We are among Hunters seeking to catch easy prey....
“I saw the signs” - Ace of Base
Haha, i just heard that song an hour ago and i kid you not, God used it to get my attention.....
flaming sword777 I wish you well :)
Hi Meredith, thank you for helping me realize I was being abused by a narcissistic friend... your videos are so educational!!!!
I absolutely fell for this! He seemed too good to be true, and he was. I opened up to him, then he used pity to take advantage of me. I ignored so many red flags and then it took me months to get away.
Thanks Meredith, your content is so good!
These people have stuck out like a sore thumb for me since the beginning of social media. They are so darn transparent. I’m called negative too for bringing attention to this to people who are blinded by their false positivity and humbleness. 🤷🏼♀️my sister is exactly like this.
You have nailed so beautifully the red flags they carry so proudly, especially false humbleness, that I've been able to detect them here in Brazil. LOL.
Meredith --thank you so much for these beneficial insights. It's so validating and helpful. "They use their humility to harvest the energy and emotions of others." SO true!
Yes, El Diablo ( soon to be ex husband/ narc) acted like he was sooooo humble and the nicest guy in the world! That fooled me and everybody else. I'm sooo thankful to God, to be out of that just over 10 year relationshit!
That’s a good way to spot it, when their humbleness is aimed at making me feel bad about myself. It’s almost as if they were trying to establish a power relationship as in “I’m better than you and therefore superior”. They know who are the good people who see goodness as a good thing and who will then be a good audience for their performance. I met a narc like that and I remember saying the very words “wow, you are such a good person, I learn a lot from you and I have to step up my game”. She chuckled as I said that. I think a truly humble person wouldn’t chuckle in a sense of self pride, but would actually make me see my personal value. FYI, this narc participated in six different charities. And afterwards I had to survive all the mess she left in my life.
Narcissist Humility is a Hoax
An oxymoron
Excellent information! It is all an act. There is nothing humble about the narcissist. Don't believe the lie.
My mother for my entire life! Took me 55 years to realize...
Oh absolutely! My covert narc MIL did this all the time. She was a fantastic cook but at every meal she served she had to find something wrong with it too apologize for. It was her way of fishing for compliments.
She also made sure to throw in some complaints any time she did something for you. She was a good quilter and would gift beautiful quilts to family only to make sure we all knew how much it made her sciatica flare up and her back hurt.
She also volunteered for years for a group for former military and at her funeral the group showed up to put up a big fuss about how wonderful she was. They came in and took up most of the limited seating available, making family move out of the way. I got the feeling she fit in very well with that very showy group. Even the pastor who did her service admonished her grandchildren to be like her. I knew it was coming but actually hearing it was surreal.
I find that the coverts are often friends with the overts and I think they secretly admire their bluntness. So if you wonder why someone has so many annoying friends when they pretend to be so different and they make excuses for their inexcusable behavior that might be a clue the person is one of them. It's the first sign of lacking integrity.
There’s an actual term for it, It’s called ‘Humblebragging’
Oh man, this is so spot on. Have a family member who does these things. Whenever he does this I struggle not to roll my eyes but keep a poker face, because I know better. Lol! So fake.
Omg word for word what my eldest sister said about my narcissistic mom when we were recently swapping experiences we've had with her
It is so recognizable what you mention about the covert narcissist in your video. I have had a relationship with a covert narcissist person. She used all the trick and trades. Lovebombing, projection, gaslighting, discarding, hoovering, blame game, devaluation. I am happy that I have ended the relationship with my covert narcissist ex partner 19 months ago. I have my life back and have learned a lot about this topic, about myself and am free and me again. Good luck to everybody who is still facing narcissistic abuse and wants to be free again. You will overcome this.
I appreciate so much your dedication to helping us to discover these toxic people and heal, you have helped me so much to toughen up emotionally. PLEASE consider opening a private FB group so we can share our experiences freely and help each other, as anything shared in the current FB page is easily seen by our contacts on FB. 💛
Their deception is disgusting. It hurt so bad to leave my ex narcissist but the more i learn about them i realize how lucky i am that i got away and went no contact. I didn't realize i was just an object in their manipulation game. A game that they play on everyone. No one is special. If you are involved with a narcissistic person you will be manipulated because it's all about them. It always was from day one. My narcissistic experience changed me because now i look around and realize there's many people like this and it's important to be aware so you can protect yourself. Thank you for the video , it's very helpful.
When I asked the Xn about his prior girlfriends he said they all wound up breaking up with him. He didn't know why, he was such a "nice" person, all he wanted was to be loved. Now I know why. We were 20 (me) and 25 when we met, lesson learned. The only role he enjoyed as much as victim was hero. He was on the volunteer fire department for years and found a way to mention it often to get the "Oh, that's such a wonderful thing for you to do" reaction. Beware the self proclaimed "nice" guy (or girl). Truly nice people usually won't say they're nice, they show it with their actions.
It’s always weird to me, these people seeking validation.
But never give any!
Sounds like this piece of crap I dated, definitely a covert passive aggressive narcissist. Prior to meeting me, at some point he had a small dog and the only thing he ever told me about the dog, which he said three different times, was that one time the dog cost him $300 at the vet! Not one nice word about the dog, I had to ask what its name was, not one nice story about anything cute that the dog did or any fun things that they did together, nothing. Just that the dog cost him $300 at the vet ONCE. Well I blasted him on that one. I told him not only did he have a cheap vet but that he should have been taking that dog to the vet every year and not just once in it's poor life. I told him his concern was all about him and it was obvious that he resented having to spend any money on someone other than himself. He has recently broken up with his most recent victim and while she posts on her Facebook of what a mistake it was and how he drained her mentally and emotionally, he posts on his Facebook a new picture of himself, which all the pictures on his Facebook are of him by himself, and his big fat head... but the recent one is captioned something like "oh God please send a good person my way, I am currently single and would just love to share my life with the right one who's all about God and being clean and sober"... or something close to that! Not only is he in no way a person of God but he uses it to reel people in so that they think he's a good person... and publicly stating he's single like that and indicating he's just looking for a good person, would make a single woman read that and think 'oh this poor guy, I'm looking for a good person too and gee I'm religious too and I don't do drugs, I should may be message him'... that's what he's trying to do, get his next victim without even putting much effort into it other than a quick Facebook post with some lies! There should be a narc registry where we put up the names of all the narcs we've dated so we can check that registry and see if the next person we meet is already on there!
The churches are FULL of them. 👍
Corinna Schütt ..and then they have God on their side, too. "Who are you to go against the Lord??"
Yes, but in society in general and churches are not exempt from evil and we have to fight evil even in our home turf of churches!
Every place with 10 people has at least one narc in the group regardless of what they are there together for.
@@ormorphe reminds me of an interview of George Carlin I watched recently, where he said that he loved individuals but detested groups of people..
You nailed it.... 👍
Supply, supply. I live with my 85 narc mother. She is worshipped for her humble concern and help given to others. At home when I don t give praise and joy for her harvesting she makes me blow up to get her energy. Any stupid detail triggers me ( 20 years back together) These scenes usually happen in front of my teenage son. I feel bad for my boy and I not being able to free smile or laugh. Good moments are an opportunity of anxiety when the 3 of us are together, so sad man ! Can t leave ; gotta learn to "grey rock" etc.
Thank you for your videos and this community. _/\_
I loved the example of the trapping you into thinking you have to prove yourself too!!!! They insinuate an evil that never existed in the first place!!! Thats how we get stuck second guessing doubting and questioning ourselves!!!!!
Her stories about her exes were all about what they could not provide for her. What she was not getting. There was a sense of how she was above it all and how she deserved so much more. Never once did she speak of anything she may have done wrong in those relationships.
She: "I'm not interested in being famous"
Response: "Don't worry. You are good."
My ex covert narc used to joke about being a "Humble Genius". It wasn't as funny once I finally figured out who he was. 😩
Jan Snell 🤣🤣🤣 HUMBLE genius 🤣🤣🤣 Love from Australia to you Jan 🇦🇺
She is always extremely sad for other people and has to tell you how sad she is. But never does anything to help. When I encourage her to help others she never does
Mood. If something sad happens and im sad, she has to in tears and is ,"probably just as hurt as you are!" Even if they don't know the person too well
It feels so good to listen to someone who gets it. thank you for the amazing videos!! My life seems to be flooded with covert narcissists. My mother, my ex boyfriend, bosses, previous friends. I used to think I was doing something wrong because I keep attracting them. But I know it's all for my healing and learning. For me, it's been a huge part of my path to empowerment. My friends don't understand and I'm fairly certain they think "Wendy thinks everyone is a narcissist" lol :) I don't at all. But, like most of us who watch these videos I am an empath and because I've been getting educated on what the spectrum looks like for so many years...I normally spot convert narcissism fairly quickly. I thought I was an expert until last year I started working at job and it took me 8 months to realize my supervisor is a covert narcissist. I was so upset with myself for not seeing it sooner. I was utterly bewildered how it got by me after years of experience and so much research. But things came to light about why I didn't see it. I feel like I have had to learn about this layer after layer. I am still in a situation where I can't go no contact with my mother, but I am hoping that it can happen soon. Big hug back to you and thank you for the fantastic content! I don't know what I would do without people like you.
Wendy Richard, Even when we think we know about narcissism, some can go undetected because each one has their own unique bag of tricks. I know two at work. They're like oil and water to each other, but they both like ME. When I asked each one at different times, why they didn't like the other, they both had the same reason: The other one was so FAKE! (They just showed it in different ways.)
It's so crazy how many narcissists there are out in the world. & once you get used to recognizing things that narcissists do, you start to recognize them everywhere.
Wendy Richard / having the same experience. Most recent was a psychopathic narc frenemy who spent 8 months settling up an elaborate trap to ruin me financially. I suddenly saw beneath the mask when he slipped because he’d been trying to go without supply to get to the big surprise finale. I withdrew because of an attitude that was curiously off. I only slowly began connecting the dots after going no contact. ... because it’s just so hard to believe that such pure evil exists! But he was so desperate for contact that he kept texting (baiting) me with little breadcrumbs of evidence. It felt SO good to know I escaped in the nick of time depriving him of that victory! I honestly believe my whole life is about gaining this clarity and wisdom because they’ve been my family, landlord, boss or coworker in every job I’ve had, all my life these nightmare scenarios. But we are now like that Tommy Lee Jones character in Men in Black... we see all the aliens that others mistake for humans. I swear they are over half the population! It’s SO damn exhausting. But I wouldn’t trade this wisdom for anything. You either see them or you’re what they are having for their lunch. 🤮 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Sounds like you’re a covert narcissist 🤣
I love inner integration! I have learned so much from meredith and even mention and reference her repeatedly in my own videos 💖💖💖💖
Thank you for these videos, really help to gain a better understanding and perspective and shield yourself from love bombing
This is life saving.. Ur videos are spot on and very clear.. You have saved our lives.. Thanks a ton to you 😇🙏
TOO TRUE. Spot on. I've met a VERY covert type and it is scary how well he could disguise himself under humbleness. He does really horrible things and no one from his environment says a word. He is such a "good human being", constantly "caring" for others and supposedly getting only poor reactions back, like no one is grateful for all the "good things" he does. It always looks as if he is justified to do those horrible things to others. I mean it's just SCARY to watch.
False humbleness: Her voice changes to a slight raspy tone as in “I am about to cry” whenever she starts “sharing” religious info or during prayer. Always and without exception. “Ooo, I am so humble and am about to cry because this is soooo close to my heart...” and then BAM! - gotcha suckers!!!
Exactly!! Great example. The dramatic pause to generate crocodile tears.
Ephesians6TEN18, Thanks for the laugh! as this is so familiar to a woman I know at church. One of her tricks is the big wide eyes, and with mouth dropped open like she's seeing the parting of the heavens or something. It's so funny, but she's deadly serious about her wonderfulness! "LOVELY!" and "MUCH BELOVED!" and other way flowery phrases are constantly in use to do the "gotcha suckers!". The most upsetting thing to me is that it WORKS! at least with some people.
Jeanog 😊Yes, “absolutely stunning” is another jingle catchphrase which these Sirens use to lure the masses to their graves. Not me, I once was blind, but now I see.
I've encountered and formed relationships with so many of these people since my youth and have subsequently cut them out once seeing the truth. Now, I'm tired and lonely and don't trust my own judgement. Once you've lived in this pattern for so long, it's hard to know how to change and stop attracting them.
Heidi, you are not the only one who feels that way, 💜 I got so disappointed with myself for falling into the web of my last relationship with a covert narc, after knowing so much about this disorder.., I had to learn being my own support system after all these hard lessons and grow some kind of hard shell, even though I know I would not change my heart, I was born that way after all.. Maybe people like us should live in the same neighbourhood to re-gain our trust and sanity. Sending you hugs!
@@See_Life Thank you for the understanding and support. Hugs back! 💗
Before knowing this I though that someone who was in a charity and did all this selfless things couldn´t be a narcissit, but now I ask myself: Well, how do you know he does all these things? and I find myself answering "well. he told me". And I think that has to be a giveaway of narcissistic behavior, because as you said they are pretty nuch bragging but with a humble mask
Most narcs are in some charities. Charities are full of them. Watch their actions. They cant do nothing for anyone without recognition. My ex acted like she was so thoughtfull of everyone, yet when she come to visit she would park her bike right behind other cars so no one could get out, she would go turn the water on while someone else was in the shower. she came on my birthday but we had to do what she wanted and she got mad if we didnt.
Everything was about her.
I was stuck in a relationship of this kind for almost 5 years, and i always had kind of a pattern of situations like this and with narcissism in general until i started to watch your videos and found more information about this topic. It really has opened my eyes and helped me to leave those cycles of abuse. Keep doing your work 🙌🙌🙌
Witch da actions,nit da wormy ,warts, whirls ,worrds
I know a few youtubers in the healing community that match this description. And it's true. Good discussion✌😊
i watched them change in front of my eyes.. once humble a grateful for help while unemployed- Job back & an arrogance that came out in the form of superiority , rude remarks, projecting arguments & literally bragging outloud about how great they are
I had a boss, he was Mr. Humility. Like you said it was all a con but it and he was very effective and most people didn’t know and will never know. They are the most difficult to detect and to work with to get anything done. He hid behind the bible. Power and control was his deal.
My ex covert narc would put all his awards and trophies in a drawer at his office. Then he would make sure his clients saw them.
Thank you so much for this video. I love your straightforwardness, no sugar coating, no gas lighting of plain reality; i have encountered this many tines but somehow i have NEVER heard speak about it openly. Its indeed all about them, showing how good they are.
Feeling so much better. My health getting better as I put to work the zero contact, despite of the attempts of contacting me intermittently, to harvest attention and entertainment, ghosting and bombing love. Is great!!! Stops the leak of energy. Still much work to do with my thoughts.
Thank you dear. I love you!
I nailed one of my acquaintances at church. She always knows ‘exactly where I am coming from’, and is so humble about all the work she does for the choir. I didn’t know why she would go on and on about how much she was doing. Now I know. Thank you for helping me recognize it so I can keep her just as an acquaintance with proper boundaries.
This is so my no contact mother too. At my kids birthday parties she would go on and on about how she works three part-time jobs working with the needy, never taking a vacation. Nice for me to be able to frame it in retrospect. You have been such a help going no contact with her for almost a year now.
Thank you so much. Unfortunately, this is my parents. I am sickened by the recent discovery of who they are. It's because they "overplayed their hand" and the story would take too long for me, but they gaslit me, triangulated me with a neighbor they know is toxic and has endangered me, I ended up in a psych ward. But the education and your channel, along with others, helped me to see that (I am on a new email, for various reasons, same as why one would change their phone number). I knew nothing was wrong with me to the degree they wanted to see myself as when the psych ward released me in less than one day.
my mother became religious right before I was born, I'm the youngest of three (by 15 and 11 years...my older sister is dead now and I see their abuse towards her for what it was. They didn't "do their best" as others would try to have me believe. They did the work of Narcissistic psychopaths. That's the label I must use, and believe me, I have done psychological gymnastics to try to make myself wrong about this.
They used me as a object to live through sending me to religious school when my older siblings weren't. When I journaled about being gay, my mother read it and used it as a terrorist campaign against me, trying to get me on the phone with religious "leaders," covertly putting me in to hypnosis therapy to "de-gay" me.
My parents are evil and the spectacle they engineered less than a month ago , by breaking and entering into my apt and using covert shock tactics to have me screaming in the middle of the night. At least one cop and one doctor/nurse validated my experience and listened to me. I begged them to make my parents believe they saved me and that I am really sick, otherwise they'll come back. I begged them over and over, as I overheard them questioning my parents and realising they do not live with me, didn't know where my medications were, my dog's name.
I am perhaps going through this s "PTSD crash" and doing whatever I can to not settle back into cognitive dissonance, while taking care of my Self by myself. It's hard AF.
Thank you so much Meredith for all that you do. You have and continue to guide me.
Ha ha, I have a next door neighbor (I just moved in 2 months ago), who keeps hitting on me, and trying to wheedle his way into my life. Keeps talking about, "if you ever need anything just call me and I'll be right there". And, "I don't ever want to do anything to offend you", (while holding his hands in prayer position at his heart! Give me a f'ing break!) and blah blah blah. I'm not falling for any of it, I've already heard him talk about people in a disdainful way, and seen his eyes cloud over in barely suppressed anger as he's talking about them, then suddenly switch and become all angelic when he's talking to me. 20 years ago, hell probably even 10 years ago I might have fallen for his fake humbleness, but I know too much now!
Thanks Meredith! You were the one who started me on my path to recovering from narcissistic abuse; I didn't even know what it was until I found your videos a couple of years ago. Thankfully I am so much stronger now, and have discarded the narcissists in my life, and am keeping all the sharks swimming around out there at a safe distance 😃
This video was very helpful. I have not seen many videos that specifically cover this aspect of narcissism in covert narcissists. Thank you. 🤍🙏
Can also fall into the "Pillar of the Community" role where they are the one that seems to always be a part of the community events, praises themselves for all the hard work they do in said events or participation, etc. How does the psalm go... Something to the sort of "Give not alms to the poor in seeking the notice of other men. Give alms in the quiet, so only the lord may see. For doing so in the view of other men is seeking righteousness of those who would be hypocrites and worship a false god."
While not overtly religious this has always spoken to me. If I have to tell someone how great I am (or they me) then I truly am not great and only seeking praise to boost my own ego.
My narcissistic family member does something similar, the other day she saw a couple walking by the house and the man of the couple had a mask but the woman didn’t, so she stopped them and gave the woman a mask, she’s been bragging about it ever since to everyone that passes by, how virtuous she is because she gave someone a mask.
Yes, she’s a pathetic covert narcissist for sure. Take care
Workplace: a woman was too nice and talked too much...too extra. I was suspect and kept a distance. Then when she didn't get her way...I saw the anger and entitlement attitude. The mask slipped.
OMG this video cracked me up cause my ex did this several times. I watch these videos and I’m always surprised at how text book narcissistic he is but this one made me laugh cause he did this one too. How he helped the local church, how he’s such a nice guy cause he considered staying at his other apartment to give me space. Early on I told him he didn’t need to keep trying to sell me on him, I was there. That I’d never been with anyone who promoted himself so much. We only lasted 6 months and that was a rollercoaster.
Does this include someone who tries to help you out like painting a room in your house or helping in your garden seemingly with no expectation of receiving anything in return, and then later they ask you to do something for them and they use the things they insisted on doing for you (you never asked them to work in your garden for example) to make you feel like you have to do something for them (like drive them somewhere when you need are normally at work) or something else? After experiencing this, unless I really know someone well, I don't let them do anything for me anymore because it was used as leverage for me to do something for them or to really make me feel bad when I couldn't do something for them right away. I remember this person telling me that they "actually, I am very generous in helping people" when I first met them.
This is definitely a trait of the covert types. I would say it fits with the topic of “the extortion of trust” a video I made maybe 6 months ago. They do something for you, which makes you want to trust them and feel indebted to them, then they use that to get you to do what they want or to feel bad that they did something for you. Often what they want is something against your boundaries or responsibilities, like you mentioned during work hours.
@@InnerIntegration Thank you Merideth. I am going to listen to that one. I somehow missed it. I think you are great!
@@heathy1364 Hi, Merdith, great video, thank you! ✨Validating my own experience totally. I've noticed the trait described by Seeking Peace & Truth to be typical for both types- covert and overt. I try not to accept help from strangers or people who I don't know well for this reason, especially if they are very determined to ''offer''you their help. I think it just looks more drastic and has more of an impact on empaths when it comes from a covert narcissist because their words of 'generousity'and genuine humbleness don't match their actions, so it's really shocking and upsetting when you find out they were never genuine .
Seeking Peace & Truth, Watch out! Especially with neighbors. Our neighbor (we are two elderly sisters) has been pulling tricks like this for years. He's very pushy about having his way around our property. (under the guise of being a good neighbor by bringing his lawn mower onto our property and just starting to mow our lawn!) I told him please not to, and he acted all hurt. There are things he wants from us, too many and detailed to mention here, but he believes he can bamboozle us and eventually get our house really cheap for his son, thinking we will be grateful to him. He will use the excuse that he has tried to be such a good kind neighbor. Oh, uh-huh. A real con artist is what he is. He takes us for fools, because before we figured him out, we were nice to him. It's been very stressful having him next door. Just the sight of him makes us nervous. So, don't let yourself become beholden to anyone. True and honest help unfolds between trusting friends, and you'll be able to feel the difference when it's coming from true intentions. It's the INSISTENCE and pushy behavior that reveals false intentions, I believe.
Jeanog totally! We have a neighbour just like this! She is horrible! Pushes her way around pretending to have baked things for our children that are blatantly shop bought! She is obsessed with her parking space which is on a free open road and asks people to move their cars if they are in it! I’m so pleased this pandemic has allowed no contact! The other side aren’t much better, watching us on CCTV and going down our bins! It seems they are obsessed with us! 😳
Another tactic I have found that is beyond humbleness (humility?) is the martyr...everything happens to them, and they don’t deserve it...they never got a break, etc. Subliminally, I feel they are trying to incite you to counter them, thereby giving them supply. For instance, “I’m a failure, nothing good will ever happen to me”. And the empath says, “No, that’s not true...you are a good and deserving person...here, let me help you.”
Exactly. That’s a black hole energy suck.
Overly accurate! 🎯 As always: playing the victim. 🤣
I'm in a legacy issue with my narc mother who will have to be lawfully forced to give me my due share - yet she insists in pretending she's "not after the money". My adult 22yo son who now took her side and parasites on her (he has moved into her household and she pays everything) has told me *I WOULD RUIN HIS LIFE* if I might insist in receiving from my father's legacy what is simply my inheritance right and written national law (in Germany). They're BOTH of that type; yet my mother shows the overt more often, she only uses false humbleness to dismiss and mock on my own true relationship with Jesus Christ because she doesn't understand what real humbleness before God might be.
Were these disorders always around, and nobody noticed them? What is wrong with people today? Why can't people just be people? Where did we go wrong? Somebody, please, help me to understand this?!
what I noticed over the years: they often do things you never requested or asked for, and they say how much they care for you, they do so much for other people and for you, and then they will request their payback. Overall idea: *I do for you something that's not hard for me to do and you did not ask for, but will request something I need from you at my own time*.
They are the best actors ever.
I am discovering a religious narcissist is my life . My mom. However, I have had a lot these people in my life and one thing they will say is “I forgive her, I’m a very forgiving person and I feel sorry that she cannot forgive and let go of the past”. They say this due to having boundaries and going no contact. My mom especially will always talk about herself and how great she is and she rarely gives you time to speak and when you do she changes the subject, or uses the vulnerability as an opportunity to tell you everything wrong with you. I finally caught up with facade and am finally no longer in denial since she has turned her focus on my children, her grand children, and pronounces religious judgment on them for not giving her hugs or not giving her enough attention; this cloaked under a guise of humility. Acting as if she cares for us and is only being honest. It’s difficult listening to the projecting, stating that I’m arrogant and not humble one when lovingly confronting her behavior and standing up for my children.
This is real and have seen it first hand, these people try to be clever even in churches.
The glare I got from my mom when I put a couple of dollars in the tithing basket at church never clicked until I realized her need for acknowledgement in tithing by putting in a check every time. So crazy.
Humility is the proper noun form of humble
Watch out for this in 12 Step recovery groups. If someone presents themselves as an expert- tread carefully. Those rooms are full of damaged people needing adoration.
My goodness, my ex covert, his bio on Instagram read " I'm the most humble" I remember thinking, why would he put that? A person who is humble doesn't announce it.
Suddenly finding myself reassuring someone I've just met, or continually feeling I must reassure people I know is a definite indicator/reminder of this for me. Also, if in doubt, I find if I call something out re: the false humbleness, a "normal" person will often stop and reflect. (A simple "why are you saying x, because I've observed y", or "have you tried x?") A narcissist will get pretty tense pretty fast. I've seen people go from "I'm so nice/unsure of myself" to rage so fast when I've just prodded that little bit.
I was trying to convince my sister about our mothers narcissism so she would not complain to me anymore when mother was being intrusive, controlling, demeaning etc. Her reply was "she is so spiritual and does not want to hear about this narcissism thing, it is too "scientific and unspiritual" and her mission is to get enlightened to feel blis forever and save the children of the world". Yet she rages, abuses, is socially awkward, disrespecctful, entitled, rude to people close to her and keeps believing she is an "earth angel". Then I heard her child ask me, why mom never admits being wrong, why does she meditate 3 hours a day and rest stare at the mirror of herself and tell everyone should meditate as much she does and she is basically the best person on earth.
Then it struck me. My humble, children saving sister, is a covert narcissist. And 30 years of my life finally made sense.
Dear Meredith, thank you! You came in my life at the right time. I joined a Church, and I could t even sleep at night! You came in the right time, as they were exactly as you describe it here! God bless you!
It still has me stunned how many people fall for their false humility. It gives them power and credit, so they can do whatever they want. In case of an artist I learned it is perverse how blind people can get.
So it is people fault that they fall for the narcissist lies and deception?
@@ladennayoung2939 No, not a thing of fault. Not a concept I would apply here. It is more that we, as people, are easely fooled. It seems human. Yet I am stunned about it. May I?
😂 💯 if they are a musician esp look out everyone is fooled thinking they are famous or worshiping them it's so vile it's hard to look at those blind followers as anything other than sheeple
@@freefree832 I dated one in my 40's
I knew something was off with
in the 1st 48 hours.
Damn if I didn't get tortured in every way a person can be ..until I went no contact with help from family after 2 years of hell.
Living with a horrible narc and it’s almost a daily thing to walk on eggshells or other carnage from the other day I am now in the throws of her shaming and guilt because of not giving into her demands for $$ I will pay a price for saying no, who no’s what that will be and get to live with my guts in knot and terrified until this stay at home order lifts!! 😔
so well explained - love the examples too. thank you for your videos!
Thank you so much for all the help you give for the people abused by narcissists. You have brought so much light and peace in my life as I am too a victim of narcs. Even if now I am better than 2 years ago I still follow your videos and watch some a second time as a reminder of how dangerous this people can be and how to stay away from them. (my narc is still in my life as I am co-parenting so I need to always be prepared and strong). Sending you love
I watch a UA-cam channel where I notice the owner of the channel always starts her videos by apologizing for bothering people by presenting another video. It seemed false to me. She has about 140 thousand subscribers. Obviously, the audience will show up. I commented to her that she did not have to apologize for downloading another video. I find her videos informative and I enjoy the topic. In her next video, she did the same thing, apologizing for appearing in yet another video. Then she gave us a house tour. The woman is obviously well off. She acted very snobbish throughout the rest of the video. Her subject matter is the source of her wealth. No jealousy on my part. It just felt lacking in authenticity. I checked her online shop. A plant I purchased for $5.99 is listed in her shop for $98.00. Mind you, my plant is just growing from a cutting. And hers is a big bushy plant. I suddenly realized the possibilities for creating an income. I don't like her personality but I can overlook whatever I don't like because she is offering me knowledge I did not have. She is actually a good person. I just wondered why put up the facade of feeling apologetic since she keeps repeating the same behavior over and over. I guess she believes that the behavior works for her and helps build her channel. I cannot argue with her trying to achieve more success. I just wondered why she behaved the way she did. Now I understand. Thank you.
That makes sense. And it’s good that you can separate the wheat from the chaff in order to extract the knowledge that you can learn from her and leave the rest. That shows maturity 🙌
Go on, tell us who it is then.... :)
Triangulation is when one person plays two sides against each other.
You have validated my experience with my "do gooder" narcissistic mother. Youre amazing. Thank you so much!
my covert narcissistic coworkers always brag about how nice they are but are always involved in drama and talk shit about everyone. when they don’t get their way they lash out. covert narcissists are the most passive aggressive people on earth and love pretending that they care about you just to use what you say against them. when you try to have boundaries they keep forcing you to trust them.
i had a covert coworker who would always say that she is nice and everyone is mean to her and would go on and on about how her ex husband and family abused her and she is nothing like them. she would compare herself to me by bringing up how i don’t drive or own a car and rub the fact that she does in my face. she criticized me for becoming a full time employee at our job and kept saying that i don’t make enough money now that i work there full time. she was on welfare and food stamps and constantly complaining about how she was broke. she kept putting pressure on me to work where she wanted me to and when i told her no in firm tone she said she was just trying to “help” and other people take her help instead of getting offended. on top of all of this she was racist. i reported her to our managers. she said i was lying and quit. 🙃
I think its important that you mentioned that it's the pattern that is what it makes it stand out as false, and I say this because everyone goes through low self esteem and displaced self worth and no one is free of that until they root it out of their subconscious. I also acknowledge that people have grown up with self doubt for many reasons and they are lessons that we need to go through in order to discover the truth about ourselves and life. Like the Oracle of Delphi says, know thy self and thy will know the universe.
I also find there are many truly authentic spiritual people and spiritual beliefs who in earnest don't charge and who give freely, and that is an authentic principle of giving spiritual teachings, a spiritually derived principle common in all cultures and throughout time and is not a man made construct. It's unfortunate that the truly good have been netted with the fool's gold, and I hope that people will make use of their intuition to tell the difference.
My sister is a covert. When she's telling a story, she's the victim and the hero in the same story. It's weird
Now that I am researching and found out about what Narcissistic behavior is I can clearly see how this early sign is so important! I’ve been married to a covert, altruistic Narcissist for 16 years and I always knew something was so off about him but couldn’t explain what it was. I am now getting a divorce after being separated from him for a little over a year. He tried to reconcile with me and thru counseling found out he had many affairs and was still working with his most recent affair partner.. I called off the reconciliation when he refused to fire her.. when I look back, there had been so many signs! And the fake humility was a huge one! He had always been telling everyone what a great person he was and how he lives his life thru humility and helping people and doing the right thing. This was a topic of conversation when he would just meet someone or if he was talking to family members, his wife or his friends. A major reoccurring theme that caused me to have cognitive dissonance not believing he would be a liar and a cheater for most of our marriage because “he wouldn’t do that, he tells everyone what a great, honest, caring, good person he is all the time”. There is no way he is not that kind of person! Now I know what to look out for when I meet anyone!! Thank goodness for all this support and information I’m receiving thru these on-line communities! Now I can actually put a name to the emotional abuse I’ve been receiving for so long and I don’t feel crazy or the “broken defective one” as he had told me for most of our relationship! I’ve cut this person for the most part out of my life. Still co-parenting with this person with little contact. I’ve made boundaries that are continually being tested by him, but by me holding strong I can heal without this toxic person in my life. I worry about my two boys being raised by this man, but know I can’t control what he does and the only thing I can control is what I do and how I raise my boys:). I’m working hard at teaching them humility and authenticity so they can grow up with normal emotional intelligence:)
My soon to be ex wife would have times she would use this to make me feel awful and make me feel I was the bad person in our marriage. She would go on about how much she did for the kids and me and because she had to take the kids to daycare and I didn't that I didn't really care about our children. She later got a job working as a case manager and would go on and on about how she felt connected with the kids she worked with and how much they would tell her they loved her. Soon after I found out about all the multiple affairs she had had and was still having the mask started to fade. She would one day be talking about the kids she worked with but it was always about how much they appreciated her. She would carefully add in about how much she cared about them. The next day I would hear her mumbling things like "These stupid kids, I just can't deal with this today" and she would even have moments she would flat out tell me how she couldn't stand the very kids she had earlier talked so highly of. Even our own kids she started having moments where she even told me she dissociated from them and didn't feel anything for them. She acted all humble like she was doing me a favor only asking for me to pay $300 in child support because she cared about me and didn't want to take all my money (really think about it and how entitled do you have to be to cheat on someone and then discard them and expect to be payed monthly by them). I started paying more attention and realize how she acted like she cared but it's all just going through certain movements with Narcs. Really watch them and you will see they do things that portray they care but when it comes to intimacy and actually being there they are no where to be found. The more I look back the more I see how she doesn't actually care about our children. They are merely used to show a facade to others that she cares about more than herself. Playing the helpless mother that was emotionally abused by me and had to find another man to save her. Good video. This is exactly how they work. And my wife at the end was even looking at all this self help stuff and using it to manipulate things with me. We were supposed to be working things out after I found out about the affairs but it was just another cover in her game. I was shut down for trying to heal if I needed closure. Told I was harassing her or emotionally abusing her by asking why or anything related to her double life. Told I did not respect her privacy and therefore did not respect her. She would play up how she needed to work on herself and that I was not allowing her to heal. Gaslighting became the only thing I was given. I always saw it at the beginning just never thought about narcissism (because they do a good job at making you believe they are humble and well maybe you are overthinking it). Sometimes I would mention how I thought she was sounding a bit arrogant and she would flip out on me and turn into me being mean. I can't believe how much I shrugged off during our first 2 years that should have been red flags. Just fell for the letting her make me feel like I was the one being mean by bringing it up technique they use. Clear as day to me now though. I found a lot of the messages to her affairs. She uses the same things she did when we first meant. Playing it up like a victim.
Yes, it's a trap. They always try to get you to explain yourself to everybody else and them. It's almost as if they are trying to engage in a conversation by accusing you of something and making you defend yourself. Notice how that never happens to them. It's just you. Especially when there's a crowd of people. do you remember scrambling trying to figure out what just happened and trying to explain yourself and trying to seem like a normal and a good person
Yes!!!! This is very creepy and disgusting! False humility
Thanks for sharing this. I was on a date with my wife and some very young beggar asked us for money. I felt bad for that guy and talked about it to my wife. She switched the conversation into how she fed starving kids in africa while beeing on a business trip and how good she was. She didn't show any any empathy for that beggar. Now reflecting on that I wish I had seen the warning signs about her much earlier.