I just learned the term "toxic shame ". I've always felt not good enough. I don't have any close friends, my relationships seem to last about 5 years or less and then I find myself single again. I've grown and healed tremendously over the last 8 years and don't experience the deep depression and suicidal thoughts that I did a decade ago. I have 3 childhood memories at around age 2 - 5 years old from my mom where I was punished extremely that made me withdraw and become a shy young person who couldn't make friends easily. This makes ai much sense to me with this new understanding of toxic shame! Thanks so much for your channel!!!
you are so welcome! It is amazing how those early traumatizing experiences create such deep imprints on us and can dictate the way we view ourselves and the world. The good news is that it's possible to heal the emotions and beliefs that got stuck in us during those moments.
It's amazing how little people (children) suffer so much shame through abuse or bullying as if the emotion is just too big for them, and then we spend our entire lives trying to escape the emotion our little selves were too small to carry. Shame keeps us hidden. I use to feel so afraid to admit that I don't like myself because my parents never really taught me it was better to love myself, so i believed that criticising myself was a more acceptable choice than loving myself. If my parents didn't find it acceptable to love themselves then of course they couldn't justify teaching a child to love themselves. Toxic shame can be a learnt behaviour and a complex generational disorder as well as a induced by a traumatic experience.
When you said “I’ll keep you in hiding, so you don’t do anything dumb to provoke an attack”. That’s literally it for me. When I made mistakes I was punished so severely as a child (I’m not talking about usual punishment I mean militant methods). I was also called stupid, useless and more. I live in fear of making mistakes. Like someone will see through me and see how flawed I am
Ugh, I am so sorry. So, now you live with the belief "I can't make mistakes," "I'm stupid," "I'm useless," and more. The fear of making mistakes is actually a fear of shame. The good news is that you can eliminate these core beliefs by processing your shame. It's possible.
I just discovered this term today. I thought I was alone. I built a house in the woods and hide. It's my only safe place. No friends. A woman wants to be with me but I keep her at arms length so she won't discover who I really am.
All of my life you've taught me that I was the problem, negative, and a waste of life not worthy of love or your acceptance. You caused me harm my whole entire existence
I assume when you write "you've taught me" you are speaking to someone in your life? Focusing on yourself is the path. Have you tried my somatic emotional release meditation? You could use statements such as, "I am the problem" (not that I believe you are, but it sounds like you took that belief in, so it'd be good to process and release it). Xo, Jenn
I was raised in a very strict, insulated religious group (some have called it a cult, and I'm inclined to agree). Outward appearances and ideological self and group policing was how everyone lived it, whether they realized it or not. I lost all of my friends and most of my family when I finally decided to leave. I was raised to believe that being human was shameful without God (aka the cult), and this compounded even more when everyone who I thought loved me suddenly treated me like nothing when I just couldn't handle living that way anymore. I know this is the primary root cause of my shame, but I struggle with my identity and relationships with others because I don't really know how much of myself is authentically me or if I can trust people with my vulnerabilities.
That’s me! Matter of fact, I just did it. My ex just remarried and I sent him a text two days before the wedding telling him what an awful husband he was. He was, but that’s beside the point. It didn’t get rid of my shame, but added to it because only a jerk (me) would do something that mean.
My mom, she committed suicide when I was 2. My dad was an alcoholic, he blamed me and my bro for her death. Said we was to much for her to handle. He blamed everything wrong in his life on us kids and there was never anyone to tell me he was wrong. He was very very abusive and had me believe it was because I was the problem. That I deserved to be punished. When they took me out of his home and I relayed my self blame to all the social workers they tried to tell me it was wrong. I’ve never heard of toxic shame but now I can point what was happening. I defended my dads actions, I told everyone I deserved it, I said I was a bad kid and no matter what these people said to change my mind I wouldn’t listen, through out my life I have had addictions. It started at 4 sneaking into the fridge at night and eating left overs. I found my dads porn magazine when I was 7 in the bathroom that became an issue cause I would look at it. As I got older my addictions multiplied and I did a lot of things that made me feel more shame. I’m at a point in life that I’m riddled with shame. I try to think out of it and I can’t. I can only see my faults. I don’t think I’m lovable, I let people walk all over me, I allow my inner critique to destroy my self confidence. I’ve had spurts of energy in the past to get healthy, try new things, but the shame has always come back and hurt me in ways I can’t not fathom to myself. These days I spend my days off riding around in circles. I want to go to the gym but I feel shame about my body and don’t want people to see me. My life is always teetering between moving to the next step and complete self destruction.
Adam, I gave thumbs up and a heart for your comment because of your bravery and honesty. You are a hero. I know you don’t feel like one, but that is what I see/hear in your story. Feeling deep shame is all you’ve known. So, of course you feel the way you do. I’m really looking forward to chatting with you and hopefully helping you process and release your shame. Just know that it is possible. I’m living proof and I see it happen as my clients transform. 💕
Wow, I’ve never related to anything more in my life. Especially the last sentence about life always teetering between moving forward and complete self destruction. I felt it in my heart. But I still have faith and hope you do too. 🕊️
this is so sad, I hope you heal man. no one deserves to live with this shit. Healing your emotional self by beverely engel is a good book to rid that shame inside of you and I think it'll help you. it's best to do these things with a therapist to make the process easier and effective. I hope you heal man. You aren't bad. It's just all in your head. I see you as good and I feel sorrow for you. Give that child what he missed and do some work on yourself man, you deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing this relatable experience. In my healing journey, vulnerability and leaning into my fear has helped me immensely. Try to give yourself some compassion. If you read your own story, but believed the events happened to ANOTHER child, wouldn't you have immense empathy for that child? Try to give that same empathy to yourself. You deserve it. You are not bad.
but how do you deal with it? i recently moved back in with my parents and i realized that shame has been the root of my eating disorder. i feel like i'm stuck and i want to stop
If you think it's you, it probably is. I created a free 40-minute healing masterclass that will help you process and release the suppressed emotions forming the roots of your pain. Give it a try: bit.ly/3vdWMiG
You tear me down with pleasure, but when I return it back on you, you don't like it. You love to harm others but never want to take your responsibility in your actions towards others
Please don't get stuck in blame/victimhood - there is no healing until you take responsibility for your inner experience. I say this with love in my heart and hoping to help speed your journey. If you have questions, ask. I'm here to help. Xo, Jenn
I just learned the term "toxic shame ". I've always felt not good enough. I don't have any close friends, my relationships seem to last about 5 years or less and then I find myself single again. I've grown and healed tremendously over the last 8 years and don't experience the deep depression and suicidal thoughts that I did a decade ago. I have 3 childhood memories at around age 2 - 5 years old from my mom where I was punished extremely that made me withdraw and become a shy young person who couldn't make friends easily. This makes ai much sense to me with this new understanding of toxic shame!
Thanks so much for your channel!!!
you are so welcome! It is amazing how those early traumatizing experiences create such deep imprints on us and can dictate the way we view ourselves and the world. The good news is that it's possible to heal the emotions and beliefs that got stuck in us during those moments.
also excessive apologising and people pleasing to "make up" and cover up your shame
Omg yes yes yes
It's amazing how little people (children) suffer so much shame through abuse or bullying as if the emotion is just too big for them, and then we spend our entire lives trying to escape the emotion our little selves were too small to carry. Shame keeps us hidden. I use to feel so afraid to admit that I don't like myself because my parents never really taught me it was better to love myself, so i believed that criticising myself was a more acceptable choice than loving myself. If my parents didn't find it acceptable to love themselves then of course they couldn't justify teaching a child to love themselves. Toxic shame can be a learnt behaviour and a complex generational disorder as well as a induced by a traumatic experience.
When you said “I’ll keep you in hiding, so you don’t do anything dumb to provoke an attack”. That’s literally it for me.
When I made mistakes I was punished so severely as a child (I’m not talking about usual punishment I mean militant methods). I was also called stupid, useless and more. I live in fear of making mistakes. Like someone will see through me and see how flawed I am
Ugh, I am so sorry. So, now you live with the belief "I can't make mistakes," "I'm stupid," "I'm useless," and more. The fear of making mistakes is actually a fear of shame. The good news is that you can eliminate these core beliefs by processing your shame. It's possible.
I just discovered this term today. I thought I was alone. I built a house in the woods and hide. It's my only safe place. No friends. A woman wants to be with me but I keep her at arms length so she won't discover who I really am.
All of my life you've taught me that I was the problem, negative, and a waste of life not worthy of love or your acceptance. You caused me harm my whole entire existence
I assume when you write "you've taught me" you are speaking to someone in your life? Focusing on yourself is the path. Have you tried my somatic emotional release meditation? You could use statements such as, "I am the problem" (not that I believe you are, but it sounds like you took that belief in, so it'd be good to process and release it). Xo, Jenn
I was raised in a very strict, insulated religious group (some have called it a cult, and I'm inclined to agree). Outward appearances and ideological self and group policing was how everyone lived it, whether they realized it or not. I lost all of my friends and most of my family when I finally decided to leave. I was raised to believe that being human was shameful without God (aka the cult), and this compounded even more when everyone who I thought loved me suddenly treated me like nothing when I just couldn't handle living that way anymore. I know this is the primary root cause of my shame, but I struggle with my identity and relationships with others because I don't really know how much of myself is authentically me or if I can trust people with my vulnerabilities.
If you want to reconnect with your authentic self, do this guided meditation daily: JennLawlor.com/freehealing
Thank you genn, I feel grateful to have found your channel ❤
You are so welcome
That’s me! Matter of fact, I just did it. My ex just remarried and I sent him a text two days before the wedding telling him what an awful husband he was. He was, but that’s beside the point. It didn’t get rid of my shame, but added to it because only a jerk (me) would do something that mean.
Thank you!
My mom, she committed suicide when I was 2. My dad was an alcoholic, he blamed me and my bro for her death. Said we was to much for her to handle. He blamed everything wrong in his life on us kids and there was never anyone to tell me he was wrong. He was very very abusive and had me believe it was because I was the problem. That I deserved to be punished. When they took me out of his home and I relayed my self blame to all the social workers they tried to tell me it was wrong. I’ve never heard of toxic shame but now I can point what was happening. I defended my dads actions, I told everyone I deserved it, I said I was a bad kid and no matter what these people said to change my mind I wouldn’t listen, through out my life I have had addictions. It started at 4 sneaking into the fridge at night and eating left overs. I found my dads porn magazine when I was 7 in the bathroom that became an issue cause I would look at it. As I got older my addictions multiplied and I did a lot of things that made me feel more shame. I’m at a point in life that I’m riddled with shame. I try to think out of it and I can’t. I can only see my faults. I don’t think I’m lovable, I let people walk all over me, I allow my inner critique to destroy my self confidence. I’ve had spurts of energy in the past to get healthy, try new things, but the shame has always come back and hurt me in ways I can’t not fathom to myself. These days I spend my days off riding around in circles. I want to go to the gym but I feel shame about my body and don’t want people to see me. My life is always teetering between moving to the next step and complete self destruction.
Adam, I gave thumbs up and a heart for your comment because of your bravery and honesty. You are a hero. I know you don’t feel like one, but that is what I see/hear in your story. Feeling deep shame is all you’ve known. So, of course you feel the way you do. I’m really looking forward to chatting with you and hopefully helping you process and release your shame. Just know that it is possible. I’m living proof and I see it happen as my clients transform. 💕
Wow, I’ve never related to anything more in my life. Especially the last sentence about life always teetering between moving forward and complete self destruction. I felt it in my heart. But I still have faith and hope you do too. 🕊️
this is so sad, I hope you heal man. no one deserves to live with this shit. Healing your emotional self by beverely engel is a good book to rid that shame inside of you and I think it'll help you. it's best to do these things with a therapist to make the process easier and effective. I hope you heal man. You aren't bad. It's just all in your head. I see you as good and I feel sorrow for you. Give that child what he missed and do some work on yourself man, you deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing this relatable experience. In my healing journey, vulnerability and leaning into my fear has helped me immensely. Try to give yourself some compassion. If you read your own story, but believed the events happened to ANOTHER child, wouldn't you have immense empathy for that child? Try to give that same empathy to yourself. You deserve it. You are not bad.
You are amazing. Thank you.
Awww thank you
Can you do a video about avoidant personality
i got diagnoised with both. they almost have simlar symptoms
@Inah A person who has a personality that avoids people and situations.
thank you ❤️
You're welcome 😊
but how do you deal with it? i recently moved back in with my parents and i realized that shame has been the root of my eating disorder. i feel like i'm stuck and i want to stop
😐😯 I'm not sure how to react. I think this might be me.
If you think it's you, it probably is. I created a free 40-minute healing masterclass that will help you process and release the suppressed emotions forming the roots of your pain. Give it a try: bit.ly/3vdWMiG
You tear me down with pleasure, but when I return it back on you, you don't like it. You love to harm others but never want to take your responsibility in your actions towards others
Please don't get stuck in blame/victimhood - there is no healing until you take responsibility for your inner experience. I say this with love in my heart and hoping to help speed your journey. If you have questions, ask. I'm here to help. Xo, Jenn
Your signup form to your newsletter doesn't appear when I click Continue.
..
.
So lost.