This episode has resonated with me and I've been attempting to write a comment to express what I feel, but I just can't find the words yet. All I can say right now is that I feel moved and should probably take a long walk to think about my own anger. I appreciate you put out there, Kirk.
Dr. Honda, it is not just you, and it is not just "old man shakes fist at cloud". I am in my 20s and i think movies suck. Its all remakes, superhero movies, reboots, remakes, crap! I am home for the holidays and one of my favourite things to do to take a break from my family is to go see a movie on my own, Ive had some amazing nights going to the movies by myself. This christmas, there was not. One. Movie. I wanted to see. I felt sad and mad too!! Here's hoping filmmaker start taking pride in their craft once again and come up with an original idea that can play in a mainstream theatre!
Same! Just turned 27 and since corona or even before it just sucks. There are some gems every now and again but we go through months without good movies in the cinema.
Oh my gosh, great topic! I was parentified, I have the anger, and I am a movie nut! I used to escape my abusive household by going to the movie theater alone (I rode the city bus to high school, and I'd save a couple days of lunch money to pay for a ticket, two or three times a week). I adore the smell of theater popcorn. For good movies, I tend to find them from studios like Focus Features and A24. Or non-American ones.
Yeah, after recording this episode, I actually decided to look into more indie movies. I found a bunch of great movies, including a movie I watched tonight called "Bottoms". One of the best movies I've seen in a long while. I guess I was just upset because the vast majority of in-theater movies looked very unappealing, which was never the case before.
Thank you, Kirk! Finally someone explaind to me how to express anger and what are its ways that are not wrong and destructive and now I am angry nobody else ever was able to answer this uestion to me and that I was punished for expressing anger and that I was called hysterical for not wanting to be manipulated and saying no to it and for being constantly overlooed by my father and god that goes too deep but at the same time it feels so good! And yes I feel very angry and I didn't know what to do with that and what could happen but somehow you helped me and something is moving forward from inside to me and thank you, thank you so much for it!
I was also parentified and had the same problem. I solved it by letting anger out in the evening just before falling asleep. For a couple of minutes or as long as it took, I just lay in bed and felt intense anger. I stopped all thinking altogether, no who did what or why or whose fault. I just felt the pure feeling. Sometimes I had some images in my head like running and cursing, but I never thought about being aggressive towards other people. Afterwards I felt better and it was easier to fall asleep. It took me about two years doing this regularly until I did not need it anymore.
In grad school I felt a lot of pressure from professors to speak in class I felt so much anxiety and shame that I couldn’t and so I would try to say something but it wouldn’t sound good/authentic because it was pressured… It’s incredibly validating and reparative for me to hear you talk about this. And as a therapist, your shows have helped me through some tough times in my early years of being a therapist. thank you, I appreciate you so much Kirk!!!
I was in a meeting recently. I knew most of the others very well - friends, coworkers for decades, etc. And yet, when I stood up to talk about the deceased, my body had an anxiety spike and I flubbed the thing I was trying to say. Sometimes it's just better for everyone if I don't raise my hand. Ha!
Very eye opening. I struggle with expressing my anger and often times I don’t and then I feel physically affected by it. Or I just cry for hours. It’s probably because I’m neurodivergent, but also because I was parentified
Yeah, parentified kids are forced to suppress their anger. It's a primary growth area for parentified clients. Also, being neurodivergent can result in others (particularly authority figures) treating you unfairly and over time, it's just easier to suppress one's anger than to express it.
I don't write poetry or anything that said, writing a letter was extremely helpful. I didn't quite know what to say at first. The more I wrote though the more I thought of. I was surprised how much I had to say that was hidden inside. I definitely didn't mail the note but did read it out loud to the therapist. That was one of the few things I've done in therapy that had a major beneficial impact. My logical judgmental brain said it was stupid but I'm glad I did it. If I'd have know how beneficial it would be and how much I had to say I'd try to do it sooner. Therapy is weird that way though. Things that need to happen will reveal themselves in time. I honestly probably couldn't bring myself to freely write what I did early on.
Anger and rage are great if noone gets hurt ,it is like a liberation after a long oppressive situation,i find,i have over the years kept my anger in and been the " good girl" but after 2 unsuccessful,very abusive relationships ( towards the end of the last one ..!) i exploded and it felt like a thunderstorm with a tropical rain,what a relief ❤says Katya from good old Cuba, 🇨🇺,by the way i love your podcast,you have helped me a lot .....❤
Someone once told me anger is a secondary emotion. When we dig deeper there is another feeling under there. When you were talking about the movies it felt to me that were hurt or sad that you couldn’t have an experience with Stacey and return to a time/place where you felt happiness with a loved one. I too was parentified and have just came to terms with my complete avoidance of anger. Between women being socialized to not show anger and men being socialized that anger is masculine and not to show other feelings-I’m struggling to see which side is up. Is digging deeper into the anger just intellectualizing to avoid feeling the actual feeling?
Can you talk more about parentifying? I’m really struggling, I feel so angry… I grew up with two parents until I was around 7, my parents moved and my mom apparently found out my dad was cheating on my mom, so she left him… we stayed in that new place with my mom and she got so depressed, didn’t help much around the house, nothing would get cleaned.. we ended up leaving that home a disaster (really bad conditions since my mom never cleaned) now, I have the lowest self esteem.. I am angry, and confused, why was I the kid that smelled? That has CAS called on us (which we’d clean the house for the mirage, they wouldn’t do anything, then repeat) … my mom asks why I don’t want to be around her, why I have so much resentment? But I can’t say no!!! I feel terrible, like I’m a bad person… like in person I can’t say no, but in my mind I feel like I hate her, and of course I want to say NO, but I end up feeling like walked all over since I never say no… I also do everything at home, I live with my partner and I clean everything, do laundry, etc. I’m so depressed, I believe, lately, so nothing has been getting done as frequently as I like to… but I feel so unmotivated and depressed. I’m also so anxious, mega social anxiety lol… please, if you could talk about any of this type of a person and strategies… I’m too embarrassed to see anyone about this.
Thank you for this episode! I don't want to be disrespectful and this is just a suggestion and I'm just one person, but since you've mentioned that some people want to fall asleep listening to your podcasts, l was just wondering would you ever consider leaving out your outro music? It's great and l like it a lot, but it wakes me up every time. I suffer from insomnia and your voice have become so relaxing for me that I'm able to fall asleep. I'm not saying you're responsible for my sleep in any way and l can also fall asleep sometimes listening to asmr, so don't even worry about it. I'm sorry if I'm being rude. You're the best youtuber out there and so so smart that I'm just in awe. I've learned tons listening to you content.
I knew exactly what moment you were talking about with Stacy dying laughing. I remember seeing the video on your Instagram! Lol. I saw Saltburn and The Boy and the Heron recently and enjoyed both.
Omg I saw so many good movies this month Dr Honda!! I'm also a movie nut. You might enjoy The Iron Claw. It's very emotional but really good. I also loved Saltburn (strange but captivating imo)
As someone who was parentified and not allowed to have my own emotions, I found anger was the most accessible as an adult and it terrified me. It actually made me start therapy because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fight off becoming unhinged like the rest of my family of origin. I'm still working at it a decade later, but the progress is 1,000,000% worth the effort.
This episode has resonated with me and I've been attempting to write a comment to express what I feel, but I just can't find the words yet. All I can say right now is that I feel moved and should probably take a long walk to think about my own anger.
I appreciate you put out there, Kirk.
I'm so glad. Whatever your situation, you deserve to feel your anger and assert yourself.
Dr. Honda, it is not just you, and it is not just "old man shakes fist at cloud". I am in my 20s and i think movies suck. Its all remakes, superhero movies, reboots, remakes, crap! I am home for the holidays and one of my favourite things to do to take a break from my family is to go see a movie on my own, Ive had some amazing nights going to the movies by myself. This christmas, there was not. One. Movie. I wanted to see. I felt sad and mad too!! Here's hoping filmmaker start taking pride in their craft once again and come up with an original idea that can play in a mainstream theatre!
Same! Just turned 27 and since corona or even before it just sucks. There are some gems every now and again but we go through months without good movies in the cinema.
Oh my gosh, great topic! I was parentified, I have the anger, and I am a movie nut! I used to escape my abusive household by going to the movie theater alone (I rode the city bus to high school, and I'd save a couple days of lunch money to pay for a ticket, two or three times a week). I adore the smell of theater popcorn. For good movies, I tend to find them from studios like Focus Features and A24. Or non-American ones.
Yeah, after recording this episode, I actually decided to look into more indie movies. I found a bunch of great movies, including a movie I watched tonight called "Bottoms". One of the best movies I've seen in a long while.
I guess I was just upset because the vast majority of in-theater movies looked very unappealing, which was never the case before.
The story about going to the movies with your wife and her laughing hysterically really did my heart good - thank you 🙏🏻 💖
Thank you, Kirk! Finally someone explaind to me how to express anger and what are its ways that are not wrong and destructive and now I am angry nobody else ever was able to answer this uestion to me and that I was punished for expressing anger and that I was called hysterical for not wanting to be manipulated and saying no to it and for being constantly overlooed by my father and god that goes too deep but at the same time it feels so good!
And yes I feel very angry and I didn't know what to do with that and what could happen but somehow you helped me and something is moving forward from inside to me and thank you, thank you so much for it!
I did not know I needed this today. It might be an epiphany. I will reflect.
I was also parentified and had the same problem. I solved it by letting anger out in the evening just before falling asleep. For a couple of minutes or as long as it took, I just lay in bed and felt intense anger. I stopped all thinking altogether, no who did what or why or whose fault. I just felt the pure feeling. Sometimes I had some images in my head like running and cursing, but I never thought about being aggressive towards other people. Afterwards I felt better and it was easier to fall asleep. It took me about two years doing this regularly until I did not need it anymore.
Loved this one so much. Hit the nail on the head for me. Especially the last 10 mins
In grad school I felt a lot of pressure from professors to speak in class I felt so much anxiety and shame that I couldn’t and so I would try to say something but it wouldn’t sound good/authentic because it was pressured… It’s incredibly validating and reparative for me to hear you talk about this. And as a therapist, your shows have helped me through some tough times in my early years of being a therapist. thank you, I appreciate you so much Kirk!!!
I was in a meeting recently. I knew most of the others very well - friends, coworkers for decades, etc. And yet, when I stood up to talk about the deceased, my body had an anxiety spike and I flubbed the thing I was trying to say. Sometimes it's just better for everyone if I don't raise my hand. Ha!
I always felt punished for being a neurodivergent introvert in college. Ugh.
Very eye opening. I struggle with expressing my anger and often times I don’t and then I feel physically affected by it. Or I just cry for hours. It’s probably because I’m neurodivergent, but also because I was parentified
Yeah, parentified kids are forced to suppress their anger. It's a primary growth area for parentified clients. Also, being neurodivergent can result in others (particularly authority figures) treating you unfairly and over time, it's just easier to suppress one's anger than to express it.
I wish you could be my therapist
Thank you, Dr. Honda! Great as always, and exactly what I needed to hear this morning
I heard Godzilla Minus One was great!
I don't write poetry or anything that said, writing a letter was extremely helpful.
I didn't quite know what to say at first. The more I wrote though the more I thought of. I was surprised how much I had to say that was hidden inside.
I definitely didn't mail the note but did read it out loud to the therapist. That was one of the few things I've done in therapy that had a major beneficial impact.
My logical judgmental brain said it was stupid but I'm glad I did it. If I'd have know how beneficial it would be and how much I had to say I'd try to do it sooner.
Therapy is weird that way though. Things that need to happen will reveal themselves in time. I honestly probably couldn't bring myself to freely write what I did early on.
Hope you got to check out that new Godzilla movie, doc!
Anger and rage are great if noone gets hurt ,it is like a liberation after a long oppressive situation,i find,i have over the years kept my anger in and been the " good girl" but after 2 unsuccessful,very abusive relationships ( towards the end of the last one ..!) i exploded and it felt like a thunderstorm with a tropical rain,what a relief ❤says Katya from good old Cuba, 🇨🇺,by the way i love your podcast,you have helped me a lot .....❤
Someone once told me anger is a secondary emotion. When we dig deeper there is another feeling under there. When you were talking about the movies it felt to me that were hurt or sad that you couldn’t have an experience with Stacey and return to a time/place where you felt happiness with a loved one.
I too was parentified and have just came to terms with my complete avoidance of anger. Between women being socialized to not show anger and men being socialized that anger is masculine and not to show other feelings-I’m struggling to see which side is up.
Is digging deeper into the anger just intellectualizing to avoid feeling the actual feeling?
Can you talk more about parentifying? I’m really struggling, I feel so angry… I grew up with two parents until I was around 7, my parents moved and my mom apparently found out my dad was cheating on my mom, so she left him… we stayed in that new place with my mom and she got so depressed, didn’t help much around the house, nothing would get cleaned.. we ended up leaving that home a disaster (really bad conditions since my mom never cleaned) now, I have the lowest self esteem.. I am angry, and confused, why was I the kid that smelled? That has CAS called on us (which we’d clean the house for the mirage, they wouldn’t do anything, then repeat) … my mom asks why I don’t want to be around her, why I have so much resentment? But I can’t say no!!! I feel terrible, like I’m a bad person… like in person I can’t say no, but in my mind I feel like I hate her, and of course I want to say NO, but I end up feeling like walked all over since I never say no… I also do everything at home, I live with my partner and I clean everything, do laundry, etc. I’m so depressed, I believe, lately, so nothing has been getting done as frequently as I like to… but I feel so unmotivated and depressed. I’m also so anxious, mega social anxiety lol… please, if you could talk about any of this type of a person and strategies… I’m too embarrassed to see anyone about this.
Thank you for this episode! I don't want to be disrespectful and this is just a suggestion and I'm just one person, but since you've mentioned that some people want to fall asleep listening to your podcasts, l was just wondering would you ever consider leaving out your outro music? It's great and l like it a lot, but it wakes me up every time. I suffer from insomnia and your voice have become so relaxing for me that I'm able to fall asleep. I'm not saying you're responsible for my sleep in any way and l can also fall asleep sometimes listening to asmr, so don't even worry about it. I'm sorry if I'm being rude. You're the best youtuber out there and so so smart that I'm just in awe. I've learned tons listening to you content.
I knew exactly what moment you were talking about with Stacy dying laughing. I remember seeing the video on your Instagram! Lol.
I saw Saltburn and The Boy and the Heron recently and enjoyed both.
Yeah, the Gibli movie looks awesome. We just watched Castle in the Sky the other night.
I get upset waiting for Kirk to finish his rants/tangents at times, but I know it's your brand Kirk, haha
Well you inspired me! I'm going to the 715 at the local art film place 😊
What an interesting and enlightening topic/question!
Omg I saw so many good movies this month Dr Honda!! I'm also a movie nut. You might enjoy The Iron Claw. It's very emotional but really good. I also loved Saltburn (strange but captivating imo)
Yeah, since I recorded this, I've seen some good ones: Bottoms, Maestro, The Killer, The Holdovers, etc.
❤
As someone who was parentified and not allowed to have my own emotions, I found anger was the most accessible as an adult and it terrified me. It actually made me start therapy because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fight off becoming unhinged like the rest of my family of origin. I'm still working at it a decade later, but the progress is 1,000,000% worth the effort.