How To Handle Jealousy In Open Relationships
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2024
- Jealousy is a compounded emotion of two emotions. If you thought jealousy in an exclusive monogamous relationship were a challenge... imagine it in an open relationship. In this video, I'll show you how to handle jealousy in an open relationship.
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Calling someone insecure about jealously. Surpress the emotion will never end well. Relationships are about respect love accountability and responsibility. Nit about control. Its about chosing freely to be with someone. All this openrelationship videos is about controll, surpressing, insecurities. Never about sacrifice and comittment for the other person you love. Its incredible selfish but they manipulate you in a position to accept it and its you who are selfish who limit the other person. Every video i watch about this topic is like someone is happy and the other is crying. The vibe in this video tells me everything.
@@vivoluos6541 there is no suppression here vivoluos nor any crying ;)
I completely disagree with your main take on the topic. You're targetting jealousy and suggesting -somehow- removing it by logic, meanwhile we have no direct control over emotions. Negative emotions are merely natural reactions that cannot be forcibly elminated. Everyone in all kinds of non-monogamous relationships experience jealousy frequently. Instead of trying to not have the emotion itself, focusing on other emotions is the way. Trying to deny and/or fight jealousy will only cause feeling guilty.
This is an important topic and thank you for bringing it up! While you can't directly communicate with your emotions and therefore have direct control over it, you can manage it by communicating with your ego. Remember, the reason people in any format of relationship feel jealousy is because they don't have a grasp of it.
You can communicate with your ego enough times to appreciate that jealousy is merely the ego screaming, "If I gave my beloved choice, they may not choose ME, so I MUST present them from having freedom to choose!"
Once your ego appreciates this is INSANE, it can communicate with your emotional core at which point you will eventually manage it down.
Remember, there are plenty of things which you've FELT wrongly until after which point you've appreciated that fear was silly did your unwarranted emotions of it get managed.
YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF COCK 🤣🤣 i’m weak man that delivery was SO FUNNY!!! but i resonate with this, i’m in an open thing and it’s actually nice because jealousy is actually WAY easier to deal with in this context
😆 It's essential! And elegant!
Hmm- disagree. 😢jealousy isn’t always about insecurity or lack of love for the partner. It can be an expression of self- love when a need is not being met. There are so many aspects of attachment theory and trauma informed/core wound work that you didn’t touch on. It doesn’t have to be about control, possession or lack of love. Also- just because you’re communicating openly doesn’t mean that they’re going to accept that vulnerability and many people face repeated defensiveness and rejection when they DO open up and communicate openly. If the HEARTS of Polysecure aren’t being utilized then I don’t think it’s healthy, period. Something is missing. Agree- manage expectations, and set boundaries, communicate TWNs … and negotiate how to meet them. 😬 really? Insisting that a partner always have another partner? Huge red flag 🚩 talk about pressure! No no no.
Awesome! This is a great topic and I'm delighted you brought it up! Thank you. So, let's address your points!
You mentioned jealousy can be defined, perhaps partly, as an expression of self-love when a need isn't being met? Can you explain how communicating a need is tantamount to jealousy rather than it's simply communicating a need/want/desire?
You mentioned that *my* communicating openly may not be appreciated because people have issues of defensiveness and fear of rejection. This is precisely the point. People do have those issues. So what I'm implying is *facilitating* open communication and that requires coming into terms and comfort with their personal issues with opening their own communication and facilitating a space so that others can freely and nonjudgmentally communicate openly.
You mentioned "hearts of polysecure" which is a term almost no one knows about outside of your circle. So could you explain what that is and what about not having that makes something "not healthy, period?"
About insisting one has other sexual friends or partners... I'm primarily and adamantly against coercion. In fact, all of my expectation management in relationships is founded on freedom of the individual. Perhaps "insisting" something could be misconstrued as "forcing someone" but it isn't. I merely 'encourage' they have other friends/partners whom they can be sexual so the green-eyed monster of jealousy doesn't arise when they're insisting they'd rather have only me as a partner. In other words, I don't make them see other people, but if they don't, it's almost a certainty that jealousy will rear it's ugly head when I'm out with other female friends.
@@openrelationships I appreciate the response :) In the ultimate relationship, one could openly express any emotion, including jealousy, and be received with non- judgement. It might be semantics about the definition of jealousy, because I don't see it as controlling if it doesn't result in rules or vetoes being placed. Still- due to attachment styles, trauma etc. it's not always easily expressed, and not always helpfully or healthfully received. All of that history makes things very sticky when it comes to sharing feelings. I personally don't find that having other partners prevents me from experiencing jealousy, but maybe it does for others. Polysecure is a great book by Jessica Fern, combining Attachment Theory and Polyamory. Very helpful read about being securely attached to multiple people. HEARTS is her acronym for creating that space: Here, Expressed Delight, Attunement, Rituals and Routines, Turning towards, and Self Secure. I really recommend it and it's helping with some current "stuff" as I read it for a second time.
@@leneegoselin6870 Precisely, so jealousy is merely insecurity and can be accepted and communicated as such and to which can be negotiated as to the arrangements within the relationship. After all, I don't imply that an open relationship doesn't have rules and boundaries. To the contrary, I advocate on having them.
Most people do not appreciate that authority and responsibility are strictly conjoined and can never be severed apart. While I appreciate people have insecurities and challenges with relationships at a personal level, no one *else* can take responsibility for those insecurities except for the person experiencing them. Of course, the outcome of love is that the other would gladly and feel great about 'helping' but that must never be taken as supposed and granted.
I disagree that a partner cannot take responsibility for someone else’s feelings. Interdependence rather than independence. Accountability for harmful behavior is imperative in healthy relationships. Sure, many feelings are a narrative or perspective that’s skewed and ultimately untrue, and yes, helping to unravel those stories is often partly the responsibility of the partner, otherwise it’s gaslighting, dismissive, avoidant and invalidating. Again, jealousy can come from places other than insecurity. It can come from alarm bells that there’s unfair treatment, an imbalance, all sorts of things that are not about being insecure.
@@leneegoselin6870 You might be conflating between expectation management and jealousy. So, let's say, per your example, someone feels unfairly treated. So you bring it up in conversation and come to a negotiation as to what's fair.
(Presuming that ALL of communication is a negotiation)
For the sake of argument, let's say one person isn't fairly treated, hence the jealousy. There is really only a couple of ways to approach this, whether by compromise by either parties which they'd gladly do, or it's a deal-breaker.
The option most people take at this point is a compromise which one or either party would not gladly do. This would be coercion and is pretty much poison to the relationship.
So, again, this is just expectation management. Jealousy just comes from insecurity and must be handled by the person experiencing the sensation (presumably with the help of their partner if they desire).
On the notion that you can (and must?) take responsibility for someone else's feelings is heinous and insane. You're presuming "authority does not equal responsibility" and this IS the essence of codependency and I think you're conflating codependency with interdependency. If someone is harmful to you or to themselves, it's important to address it and even help them if they're open to that help, but never take responsibility for someone else's actions, feelings and the consequences of those things.
Thank you. What I experience is not really jealousy, but envy. There is the fear that your lover never returns. But I never believed they were there in the first place. My low self-confidence then feeds into envy as I know there is vast differential in opportunity between men and women. A good looking man can struggle to find a woman. A good looking woman will never struggle to find a man. If there was parity of opportunity in an open relationship there would be no envy. But there is no parity. There is imbalance. So how can the man in an open relationship make the situation equal and avoid envy?
Thanks for bringing that up Ian. Those are great questions! To resolve this for you, I'll clarify some mistaken beliefs that's causing a lot of inappropriate pain ;)
Firstly, you don't want an equal relationship. There can't be any. Each individual has their own strengths and weaknesses and those bring with them individual opportunities. (e.g. a woman may be incredibly beautiful and partnered with a man with so-so looks and high IQ and THAT may get him more opportunities with ladies than her looks with men. Savvy?)
The important part is facilitating each other's happiness and becoming a supportive addition to their life rather than a hindrance that jealousy or envy brings.
Become clear with what jealousy and envy is and you can resolve this for yourself. Jealousy is the fear of loss + the rage you get from that.
Envy is the pain you feel wanting what another has.
You don't want parity in a relationship. You want to resolve the pain you have when you feel fear of loss and rage (jealousy) or pain from wanting what others have (envy).
As you see - this is entirely a personal development endeavor, which if you fix it, results in better relationships management.
@@openrelationships Thank you. Instincively I feel if I get enough exposure to the pain, it will lessen over time, and it's grip on me will weaken. I'm struggling around the zone of open relationships and polyamory. I develop attachment easily. I want to stop doing that, because the attachment causes the fear and pain of possible loss. I want to love, but without holding on. But these are just words in my head at this point, and despite five decades alive and all of that time as a reflective and thinking animal, I have no idea how to resolve what feels like an emotional thicket of concepts, memories and feelings inside of me. Daily I want to flee the loose open relationship I'm in, with a girl I really love but who eschews all commitment and is largely emotionally unavailable, and who has no end of offers from men, and who pursues actively the ones she finds cute. I meanwhile have the beginnings of other stories and possible play partners, but the freedom that feels fine for me doesn't negate the negative feelings, and yes, jealousy and envy, I feel about her. And I hate myself for this hypocrisy. Compersion. I want to get there, but it's more difficult in actual practice than it feels in the abstract. A voice in my head tells me to run back to monogamy. But I don't align with it intellectually and I know the greater strength is in polyamory, if you can make it. I feel I need months in the desert to work all this through. And I'm not even sure I would reach a breakthrough if I did. I know all of this needs inner work. But my mind is a absolute fortress that I cannot crack. How and why is a long story. The outcome in my day to day life as I struggle with these feelings is depression. I have this anyway, so adding to it is not great. I also don't believe in myyself. I don't believe I can overcome anything. Yet I hang onto a thread, over the abyss of monotonous monogamy, if even I could find that with someone I want and who wants me.
@@IanRobertDouglas Thanks for sharing all of that Ian! Let's make it simple, because it is - even if you don't feel that way at the moment.
I'd like you to eschew historical data.
In other words, allow yourself to be here and now. Honor your past experiences, sure. But in the whole, they're mostly either unuseful or detrimental.
Getting over them is simple. It's recognizing they don't exist. They merely exist - and only exist - in the meaty part inside your cranium.
That's step one: recognizing and appreciating that.
Step 2: is reorienting your thinking about relationships.
Most people do not have feel painful jealousy or envy with their best friend. But they do it with the person they're romantically and sexually attracted to. The reason they do is because they conjoin what they believe is "love" with possession.
Go back to the fundaments of love. If you need to alter the name of your relationship from "lovers" to "best friends" so it helps you reorient your thinking about love, then do so. Ultimately, words have no meaning. We simply use words to communicate concepts with others. It also allows you, if you let it, orient concepts in your mind if you use it in that strategy. And the way you orient those concepts in your mind will eventually affect your emotional core (your feelings).
So ultimately, you need to develop a "best friendship" with your lover. Forget for a minute your self-interest which is the source of your fear of loss and rage from that fear of loss (jealousy). Genuinely want what's best for them whether or not you're involved (THIS is the most important bit!)
This was exactly what I needed to hear! Nailed it!!! Thank you!
I'm delighted you appreciated it!
Sounds like my ex's current girlfriend. They are in an open relationship but the girlfriend is having trouble whenever my ex hangs out with me she thinks he won't return because she knows me and my ex history and they always argue because of that. She wants him to go on dates with random girls but to not hangout with me. I have no problem with her at all and I never met her in person so I don't understand the jealousy she has with me.
@@roxanneruiz9261 precisely Roxanne. Jealousy is poor rational!
I wouldn't mind going back to him and trying the open relationship but I think there needs to be reassurance in their connection that my ex needs to address to his gf In order for me to go into the relationship.
@@roxanneruiz9261 that’s considerate of you and true!
thank you for this, has been enlightening!
Thanks for the sentiment Christina!
It is called respect if you don't want to be with someone be single
Wouldn't that be a given?
Open relationships i feel tend to benefit men more. For women its so much riskier. You get pregnant 🤰 and your non committed partner can just leave you .
I understand your concern Charmander! This is why when considering an endeavor that has long-term repercussions like child-rearing, it's wise to consider social contracts to ensure if you're betrayed or anything happens, you'll be fine.
These are things like ensuring you're in good standing/situation to be able to child-rear or have a support system, or even a legal contract.
@openrelationships most people who engage in open relationships seem lacking any self control or foresight or risk analysis or likely education and so are very unlikely to think about stuff like contracts lol 😆 😂 it's so much trouble it's easier to just say monogomus then dealing with a dozen contracts lol
@@charmander777 You can also say the same for people who opt for monogamous relationships. The difference is your solution would be to insist people obligate themselves to one another despite their biological tendencies so they imagine they'd have no options. This is actually what religion was for and what marriage was originally about.
@openrelationships once you start investing alot time resources money 💰 🤑 emotions into a relationship you're unlikely to be ok about sharing
Supposed you had a 1946 mustang rare one of a kind. You restored it. You baby it. Do you want random strangers driving it 🤔 especially people you have no idea their driving ability etc. Sure if you are jay Leno you have many prized cars u won't be bothered. A wife is your most highly prized person. Though you don't own her
@openrelationships the things you suggest sounds doable but in reality for most people it is not and women especially tend to lose. You're a male and you're not going to get pregnant and there's no hpv tests for men in N.A. just saying....it's totally higher risk and dumb for women to increase their body count. Stay loyal to your man
How convenient. Expecting fidelity in a relationship is actually your jealous ego.
What happens if what they love is murdering people? Let them do it, it's what they love you egomaniac!
Hamilton, to love is to value. If you love a murdering psychopath, it has more to say about you ;)
@@openrelationships maybe I am the murdering psychopath