INFJs: Healthy or Unhealthy? 10 Signs
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- In this video, I answer a viewer question about my opinion on what makes a healthy vs unhealthy INFJ.
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Intro: - 00:00
1. Empathy - 04:44
2. People Pleasing - 06:41
3. Creativity - 09:28
4. Open-Mindedness - 10:56
5. Forgive Themselves - 14:47
6. Intuition - 15:45
7. Perseverance - 18:42
8. Perfectionism - 20:57
9. Self Care - 23:49
10. Feeling Misunderstood - 24:39
It's like you are just describing an older more mature INFJ who has had time to sort things out. I'm 74, so I'm talking from experience.
I really enjoy your manner of explaining things! Very clear and concise, good examples used. You're obviously a healthy INFJ, with a calm confidence. Most INFJ UA-camrs I find are so irritating- insecure or rambling. Keep giving us your thoughts!😊
INFJs being not competitive might be harder to get out of a slump. But I did play sports in high school, and I do like competing. The thought of it doesn’t sound pleasant, but doing it is pretty nice. Since we’re overly critical on ourselves, being able to compete and seeing what “normal” is I think might help a bit.
All of us "humans" are "works in progress", and always will be. Not just INFJs. I like your definition and examples of "healthy", Clay. I agree with it. I would add that, for INFJ's, it's not the "high standards" that are unhealthy...they are great goals to strive for, and I've found that the mere commitment to myself to always meet those standards "to the best of my ability" actually is as close to perfection as I'm going to get...and that this authentic effort is enough for me to feel good about myself. This is "the sweet spot" for my own health. I know I've spent considerable time questioning whether my expectations in regard to the behavior of others could be unrealistic because INFJs have been accused of this (one example is by C.S. Joseph!)...and trying to reconcile my need for a higher level of human decency from others than is often forthcoming...while "knowing" that I am not perfect myself. What I finally realized is that the difference between INFJs and most other types, is that we do put a lot more effort into living up to certain standards.....and that all I want from others is the same effort. Not perfection....because I know that's an impossibility for anyone. (So C.S. Joseph's statement that INFJs are "hypocrites" is either a misunderstanding, or maybe slightly more true for a less mature INFJ who hasn't yet taken the time to reconcile their expectations of others vs. self)
The NEXT step toward "healthy" for ME, was to just accept the reality that most types will not be as motivated as we INFJ's to live up to these standards.....and to adjust my own expectations and create healthy boundaries instead. It's all about the willingness and the courage to acknowledge what actually "is", so that we're not constantly being disappointed and "thrown" by it.
I'm almost 60 years old and I've just, in the last few years, gotten a million times better at not taking on the weight of other people's problems....and I HAVE been prioritizing not only my own authenticity over harmony, but also less willing to hold back on truths I know might be a little uncomfortable toward people I care about when I believe they're deceiving themselves to their own detriment. This didn't come easy for me when I was younger. I almost don't look like a typical INFJ anymore...I still care...and I think it shows...but I now see clearly the dysfunctionality of carrying the weight of others...and that it has never really been as helpful to those others as I imagined anyway. It can even be something like "enabling". Not the "healthiest" for either side of the equation.
One last point: While I think it IS possible...and maybe even an unhealthy "tendency" for less mature INFJs to be a little challenged in the "achievement of goals" department, I think that "weakness" (for lack of a better term) is due to inferior Se. It takes us a while to recognize that we're missing the "action" piece of our equation...and then it takes (as you suggested) the setting and achieving of some attainable goals for us to "download", in a sense, into our awareness, how this works in our best interest...How setting clear attainable goals and finishing them actually does add to our healthy functioning and success. However, I think once we have this awareness and are achieving our personal goals, that it's "possible" to have very abstract...even "vague"...general...long term goals running in the background without it being a "problem".
I may be one of those INFJs who has "locked on" to an abstract goal that's "running in the background" that may be "impossible" to achieve (if I were to think of it as a "personal" goal)....but my own (hopefully healthy) way of persevering is to balance this "abstract, long term, vague goal, with my more concrete, shorter term, personal goals.....and then to think of my efforts toward this "abstract" goal, not as a "waste" of time and energy...but rather as a long and drawn out "contribution" to a very long term goal that may take more than just myself in my lifetime to ultimately realize. My intuition tells me this is not "wasted" energy. To quote one great INFJ (without equating myself to his greatness OR his intensity) "I have a dream".
I think MLK was expressing a similar "INFJ pattern" in that he was holding a goal out there in front of himself (and the world)...knowing that he may not see it's manifestation in his own lifetime..but he was driven, none-the-less....and his influence is still rippling out to this day.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts 💞
beautifully written. thanks for sharing
I am an ENFP crushing over an INFJ I've just met twice. I didn't even know he was an INFJ till a week after our second meeting. He is extremely slow at opening up and my curious ass doesn't have any patience. Your videos are like getting to know him without talking to him. Thank you Clay for whatever you do. Hopefully he opens up some day :')
I didn't know I was an INFJ until a few years ago. ( I'm 56) Its been an eye opening experience. . You gave some great advice that could have helped me so much when I was younger. I'm having to try and break the unhealthy aspects of people pleasing, and learn that self care isn't selfish. Thanks for sharing this.
10:30
On the contrary when I'm having an existential crisis, that's when I write my most beautiful poems and prose. That's when I have all these brilliant ideas through which I can express my sorrow, anger, viewpoint, etc.
Great video by the way!
On empathy, I had a very strong experience yesterday. Went into a crowded grocery to get a couple things but after a few minutes just started feeling terrible out of nowhere. Never really feel great there specifically, but this time was so bad I just had to leave. And what do you know the more distance I put between me and the grocery and started feeling better and better. The infj emotional sponge bit is real and occurs whether you realize it or not
Who decides what’s a conspiracy theory and what isn’t? At this point if you’re not questioning everything that’s happening around you I consider you a conspiracy denier.
who decides what is a conspiracy theory? It’s a simple metric really. The belief in a claim should match the strength of the evidence. Conspiratorial thinking believes first, and looks for evidence later.
@@ClayArnall isn’t that how intuition works? I mean yes, there’s rapid data gathering to make an accurate and precise conclusion. Believing while simultaneously gathering evidence?
Every personality type has a shadow. No one is all light or all sunny. The point is, are you AWARE that you have shadow? And if so, do you embrace that shadow by integrating it into your personality? Meaning, do you PRACTICE that quality of expression? Is anger your shadow? Then you need to practice how to assert yourself at the proper time and with the proper boundaries. That would be integrating it. People who aren’t aware of their shadow are THE definition of unhealthy. Their shadow leaks out in unconscious ways. Learning how to sit inside of the tension of a paradox is the healthiest of all. When the INFJ is aware of what other people’s needs are, but STILL CHOOSES to make their own needs a priority, and feels uncomfortable about it, but later in the bubble bath feels really good - THIS is paradox. Accepting that you can meet other people’s needs and NOT wind up feeling resentful later about it because you’ve had that bubble bath - that’s paradox.
@@christyhall1419 this is your reply to Me? How does this pertain to my comment? I don’t see the correlation here I simply stated that you should question everything. which has nothing to do with integrating my shadow…
@@mackenzie8042 I apologize. It doesn’t pertain to your comment. After I hit the like button on your comment I simply wanted to make a comment of my own about the psychological shadow since he kept referring to INFJ’s health or lack of health based upon their “sunniness” as though they were unique in this aspect. They are not. I did not realize I had selected the reply under your comment.
Long time follower, first time commenting…
I felt compelled to comment this time because, oh boy, I have this crazy (and sometimes annoying) need to feel productive. I feel like my day is a waste of time if I’m not at least somewhat productive. However, in the past year or so, I’ve realized that I feel so much better when I take a day for myself. I’m not so tired all the time (mentally), I’m less irritated, I have more creative juices. I’m still working on really letting myself enjoy it but it helps to see the world isn’t going to end if I don’t work, do chores, or whatever.
The fish and birds video was good! I also like the ones you did on narcissists and so many more. Thanks for all the great topics! My brain loves it.
Thank you for commenting!
I definitely am a perfectionist and hard on myself!! But, I agree, there is no such thing as 100% healthy or unhealthy. There is toxic and good in each person. I think boundaries help keep INFJs separate from others’ chaotic energy! I just started watching your videos, Clay, and I really enjoy them. I just found out I am very much an INFJ, and when I watch your videos it‘s like you are in my head. Lol.
“Healthy introverted intuition is balanced with verification.” 🎯🎯🎯 Yes. Definitely where Se integration comes in.
I hope 'unhealthy' people don't overlook credentialed healthcare professionals, and favor MBTI, when dealing with their real life issues.
Maybe "unhealthy" is subjekctive? If you have hard Times, but still can kinda Thrive, while Others May consider your Situations as "Horror" or "NothingUneasy" how WE Deal and feel about stuff, how WE Work through stuff might be much on a spectrum. Thinking of the Pyramid of Maslow as Well...with different needs and stuff.
Hahahahaha on “healthy credentialed healthcare providers “
Show me one…. Just one.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@indigobarefootyoga3598 Big type fan? There must be a story you could share that supports the laughing crowd.
Are you still instructing yoga?
I agree 👍, I have discovered that I used to be too dogmatic and purist in my perspective, very boring too; but fortunately reality and the Universe are far more complicated and interesting than we can grasp initially. And yes, pacing yourself is so important and try to cooperate and coordinate with others, as much as possible, and yes adapt to error margins and what's possible in reality
your videos always have this healing impact on me, I feel stress free
Hello, Clay. Always a great self check to hear from you. According to the Arnall scale, I’m doing ok. These days, really grateful for my innate tendency to solitary time. Sure living THAT one. Your explorations do a nice job, of putting into words, the walk we all walk. Spear and All!
aww im glad you guys are doing well
I love watching/listening to your videos just before sleep. Your content is always very insightful, and your voice is so very relaxing. So hypnotic that if you ever decided to, I’m sure you would be great at doing ASMR videos. All the best!
I love this video!! Also, you have this calmness about you when you speak, it's just so relaxing to listen to you. I really like your definition of "healthy". I'm still healing from an experience, but I recognize a lot of the healthy things you say in my own behavior!! But I agree there is no black and white, we are always moving in-between.
I'd like to add a personal thought to point 6. Intuition. I've found myself in many situations where I have no options to validate the feeling I'm having. This happens mainly when meeting new people. My friends may not have a clue yet, but I have this odd feeling or see red flags with the person we are interacting with. But I can't really go digging around to find evidence.
The people closest to me generally value my input with these things, but it is hard to explain it without any evidence and it isn't always my place to even touch the subject.
Most of the time all I can do is wait it out and let everyone figure it out on their own.
At first I thought I had to tell everyone or warn them, but eventually took more of an observer role. It took me a while to learn that they also have to make these experiences, even if they might get hurt and all I can do is try to make the fall a tiny bit softer.
Thanks, Clay; enjoyed this a lot.
Thanks for all the information! Very helpful!
This is very helpful. Thanks so much!
Thank you, you are doing really good work for people like us. Once I have learned sufficiently about myself, I'll start branding out to other types. For me, the most important thing I've taken from you is that if you can derive value from something, it has worth.
(Hi Clay!) When I first learned about Jung's cognitive functions and started to read about the INFJ personality, I read a lot about the "trust your intuition" kind of advice. It really helped me in a lot of ways, however, I still thought this advice lacked something but couldn't tell what. I've just realized what it was, and it is the "verify" part. Maybe the "trust your intuition" advice could be rephrased as "trust your intuition but verify if you can" advice. Edit: but be aware of the Ni-Ti loop!
I love this content to reassure myself living with my core values is the right path.
Awww I can always rely on UA-cam to get grounded when I think my inner world is too nuts. Just to hear other INFJs describe the struggles. And yes, I’ve even given myself a hard time for giving my self a hard time in the past lol, these days though I treat myself like I’d treat others, it’s very peaceful. It’s also really peaceful not to have that expectation of being understood. But you have to put it out there to find those that do get it Thanks, subscribed ❤
I related to each of your points. Thanks for the biggest of wisdom ❤
thanks for watching!
Each one of your video is like a brain massage for me! thank you so much!
I'm so glad!
As an INFP (who knows we overlap quite a bit with INFJs) an unhealthy thing I do with my perfectionism is to often feel like since something I do is not perfect, and probably won't ever be "perfect", I'll altogether give up on it, because it will have become pointless to continue.
knowing, forgiving and accepting yourself
Good points! Adding onto the perfection point, i think "failure to launch" can be a problem for unhealthy infjs. We want something to be perfect, so we prepare but we never feel like we are ready or something is not good enough so we don't actually "do"
Thanks for the great content
thanks for the comment!
ThankYou, helpful video.
The point of accepting yourself is the most important point (for me). It helped me very much to realize the possibility of the future. Meaning to see that you will be better. How to do this? Most INFJs are giving other people many chances and much room to better their behavior (although it rarely happens). Do this to yourself and see how a person gets better.
We’ll said. 🌿
I think that, right now, My most unhealthy trait is the combo of dealing with perfectionism on a new environment. I'm starting a new job on totally new environment so of course i'm dealing with My perfectionism and people pleasing. As it is something unknown for me, i can't try to plan ahead as always to avoid mistakes. however deep down i know that as a new professional on a new job and on an new environment i AM going to make mistakes so yeah maybe this time i have to be patient with myself
You got this :)
LOL the stareeee I’m dead 👀
I am getting the self care down. 😌 other topics I'm getting closer. Will save this to periodically revisit. Thanks!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for the great video! One remark, though, which - as an INFJ - keeps irritating me: Why has everywhere the senseless greeting formula „what’s up“ taken over??? Is anybody even aware that words are spells, and what does this even mean? And to greet with a question is especially pointless in a video, isn’t it? What about simply greetkng someone with a welcoming ‚„Hi“ or „Welcome“ or „Nice that you’re here“ or anything that is a true greeting.
Where are you from? That is a true greeting where I’m from.
Heyy I found out I was an infj not to long ago (I’m 16) for the last past few years in my life I have been feeling like I was living someone else’s life until now. I rlly wish I could tell you everything but I don’t wanna waste a lot of time typing but I feel I’m growing tremendously as a person, I’ve found a lot of things a like and are interested in. It’s like I have this unshakable determination to complete all of my life goals. It’s like a dream or vision that I will not get swayed from no matter what happens. I hope this makes sense 😭I have so many thoughts n it feel like it all cluttered or something but yea. And I find it funny how you say loosen up and accept yourself cause they might be in a one minded state😭lol, love this vid and happy Halloween 🎃.
I’d rename this video: Young INFJ and Mature INFJ 😂 but that is just my personal experience. It seems to me that we learn to swim and be a “healthy” INFJ only through experiences and that comes with time. ❤
haha the end, just to kick the perfectionnist side don't ya?
Thank you Clay, personally, I lean so much on my healthy side after healing my traumas....
I keep thinking of new things I should have talked about. Trauma is one for sure.
@Clay Arnall Talk about them, that would be helpful to many people...
This sounds like me 😂 do INFJs repress their feelings for the best for their loved ones, i bet that is an unhealthy INFJ but I'm conflict avoident and I don't want people to be upset and to see me as a burden if I express my feelings
this is my personality
crazy what you can do with sexual, anger, and negative energy for creativity. from the book think and grow rich, sex transmutation. hell even manifesting
energy cant be destroyed it can be convereted
Conspiracy Theryst what others call us, in order to put us down and repel others from doing deep research and therefore people don't generally take them seriously.
I actually think it’s the opposite. Conspiratorial thinking is starting with a belief and then looking for evidence later, rather than allowing the evidence to influence beliefs.
Not related to the vid but you kinda look like Jaskier with your hair long from The Witcher Netflix series 😭💘
• Thrive in chaos…yes, but only if the right kind of chaos…bigger picture vs day-to-day. Not great at day-to-day.
• Empathetic w/o codependency…tough to do, but if I am working more than they are to fix their problem then time to get out. I say, “sorry” when I kill a roach. I am sorry for killing them but need to protect myself and my home.
• People pleaser vs having authentic core…something I believe I currently do well. I invest in who I am.! And am respected for that. A bit amusing in one particular situation where they hate it, but also respect me for it.
• Creativity…19 patents with only a B.S. in Chemistry plus other creative approaches to work and life less obvious.
• Open-mindedness…I love walking around a problem from different perspectives. Even if I totally disagree with the perspective then I am not thrown off by it and likely have a good response! So fun and useful. Do notice devil’s advocate in me, but back off from it as soon as I see it as negative.
• Forgive myself. If I couldn’t do that, I would be dead. And no good for anyone. Then what about my purpose? Just need to forgive myself in order to function and provide my gifts. To do anything else would be selfish…but I still struggle. Knowing I would like myself as a friend I think is a key. I don’t expect my friends to be perfect.
• Intuition vs verification. Outside of my creativity, though it seems to be a part of it, if I knew you (or me) shouldn’t get on a plane then I would seriously listen. Really not a great trait to have if you don’t have control in any case. I am almost the opposite of this with big decisions. I first collect data then make decision based on gut. (Gut just needs the data first in order to provide the best intuition.)
• Perseverance. Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. Working toward a very challenging certification. Transplanted other successes along the way so I would have accomplishments in the same vein that contributed to goal. Deters? Yes. Bad deters? Unlikely. Just a really challenging objective.
• Perfectionism. Market driven oilfield product development knocked that out of me. And I was delighted by it. Very customer oriented, and providing something quickly is more important than providing the perfect solution. I still want to be perfect, but Done is Better than Perfect. And yes, it is tough to hand off things to others, but I view it as a means to help them grow. Still tough as I have a specific vision for larger projects. And my company was unable to hire someone experienced in the art, but only educated in it. Fighting being too critical and dismissing ideas I know won’t work, but might help develop their skills. 80% is good and the rule I have heard. I have so much work that I would have loved just getting an intern.
• Selfcare. Put this off until March, more specifically time change. I just don’t thrive in the dark days of Winter.
• Not everyone will understand me. I embrace that. Enjoy it with those who get it and enjoy it with those who are oblivious to it.
Thanks, this is always helpful.
The video reminded me of your older one on the same topic and the quick notes I made of it - not sure if valid for you to get how I tried to memorize them. Anyway, I didn't understand the difference between 3 and 4 of this 2nd video Y_Y
Unhealthy INFJs
ua-cam.com/video/zrfQBQvMDyw/v-deo.html
1 FE (people pleaser) auxiliary > dominant
2 NI (rush things filter to finish the process)
3 NE (paranoia+loyalty check) nemesis function
4 FI (need reassurance) critic function
5 TI+SE (overthinking/research) child+inferior
6 SE (performance anxiety) needs to look good
7 jobs that help people vs arming
8 TE (don't know what others think, not good at presenting their value/work) trickster function
INFJs: Healthy or Unhealthy? 10 Signs
ua-cam.com/video/sjBRMtvC2cg/v-deo.html&ab_channel=ClayArnall
1) Empathy or codependency
2) People pleasing (authentic or not)
3) Creativity (willingness for change or not)
4) Open-mindedness (willingness to change perspective or not)
5) Forgiveness (for themselves or not)
6) Intuition (to act after verification or not)
7) Perseverance (or quitter)
8) Perfectionism (let go/delegate or waste time)
9) Self Care or not
10) Feeling Misunderstood (it's ok! or not)
👍
I struggle with the fact people want you to empathize w/ them but they arent capable of the same in return. This makes me incredibly angry.
May I ask where you found the art in the thumbnail? Do you have a link to it perhaps?
I made it with Mid Journey AI actually! I was messing with it yesterday. Amazing.
Caí en depresión por pensamientos egocéntricos mágicos en especial me fruste en matemáticas al saber que no haria ningún logro trascendental cosas así, ahora estoy cambiando😊...
I don't think I can ever be all the way healthy because of the trauma triggers.😮
I still struggle with 10....but I'm trying....
I think I was an INFJ before but now stuck in the ISFJ personality in which I don't think and behave the same way like I used to before when I was an INFJ. Does this makes any sense?
Im an infj teen and im going through my most unhealthy infj phase and i dont know how to begin my journey of becoming a healthy infj.
Please explain HOW we feel other peoples emotions.
27:05
Thanks for your thoughts Clay. Your timing is poignant x
🌬 🍇 🥂 👌🏽 😁 💯 🇺🇸 💜 🇨🇦 ☮
Healthy INFJs have integrated the ESTP shadow and exhaust the ESTP functions by consciously embracing them. It’s not an easy path and you will break and be reborn stronger each and every time. It’s necessary though if you want to live a healed and fulfilled life ;)
Interesting thought!
What product do you use in your hair?
Ha nothing special. Usually just something to make it less puffy and soft because it gets out of control.
@@ClayArnall same problem with my hair
There shit is not my shit to feel guilty any longer oh Yell am I pissed didn't respect me an do anything yes not denying how I feel am I going to blame myself no that's there choice not to act nor my karma
I'm 10/10 unhealthy infj. Too high expectations ruine my life.
Do you think it’s possible to work on it?
I think no.
@@ClayArnall or maybe I need accept inevitable future of not achieving anything in particular
You do not look well lately. Are you ok?
Perhaps you might touch on this said Rumor about Jesus and Hitler both being INFJ sometime? Thanks!! 🧡
Thank you so much 🤍you helped me to know myself better