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Marriage and Divorce
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- Опубліковано 5 лип 2009
- Elder Dallin H. Oaks testifies that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can heal the pain of a troubled or broken marriage for all who humbly seek His help. Read the entire address: bit.ly/3h7VGf
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"Whatever the outcome, and no matter how difficult your experience is, you have the promise that you will not be denied the blessings of eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep his commandments, and just do the best you can."
This is a very comforting message.
Just do the best you can. With God in charge what can go wrong ? Nothing Amen. God is Great ? All the Time Amen. My fabulous book is Mathew for wisdom and Love the Book of Luke leading up to Easter. Who put Jesus on the Cross ?............. We did. Use for we all have sinned. SIN Bad thoughts gossip wrong doings etc including murder and who saved us from this ? Jesus Christ our Lord My Heavenly Brother and God my Heavenly Father. Amen Ask for repentance like the woman who was about to be stoned and Jesus asked the crowed let him or her that is free of sin cast the first stone. One by one the crowed dispersed and it was a huge crowed for she had committed adultery. When the crowd had gone Jesus asked her who is left to punish you ? The woman fell at Jesus feet and said not one but you Lord and she cried over Jesus feet and dried them with her hair. Jesus said go you are free and sin no more Amen. So can we also use God in our relationships with fellow people for did not the same God that made you made them to ? Amen.
"... The Remedy is not Divorce but Repentance" ... as it is in many of the things we do wrong; Thank you for this beautiful Message of Hope!
But my wife does not apologize, does not forgive, loves money more then my health, does not want to take care of herself, does not want kids, does nothing but sit and eat all day.
This statement really struck me and has caused me much thought!
"Many of you are innocent victims whose spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Those who have experienced such abuse have first hand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation it is needful to have a means to end it."
Yes but do remember, this is rare. Much of the time people become selfish first and go to divorce before trying now a days. You still have to try, that means if you ever get to a point you ask for assistance, guidance, invite to do things, etc. If someone betrays covenants or refuses to perform marriage responsibilities. It is also the others responsibility in a marriage to open a discussion about it, invite them to seek help together and so forth. If you do not do that, you yourself are also betraying responsibilities and covenants, and that needs to be understood. Too many people are selfish now a days (not you) but in general.
I love Elder Oaks' talks. He changes my heart and mind every time he speaks. I feel a greater compassion and understanding for my parents after he mentioned that sometimes a marriage is truly broken and requires an end.
My parents divorced after fourteen years of trying to make it work. One was active in church, one was not; and they could not agree on anything at all. I wished they could have worked it out, but they were not happy together, and their fourteen year marriage came to an end.
Years later, I learned that there is more to Eternal families than a one sided, flat promise of always being together forever. Agency and choice plays a role, and the Lord won't force two people to stay together. An Eternal family, I learned, is something I would have to pursue for myself if I wanted it.
I feel a great and growing love and appreciation for my parents. Yes, there are many hurts I had to set aside because of their divorce, and have many questions that I feel won't answered in this life. But it is a balm to me to hear the General Authorities speak with compassion for divorced families, and encouragement for struggling families.
Thank you! You answered my question. :-)
My parents divorced shortly before my baptism. My prayers are with those children who are in similar situations for whatever reason.
For me forgiving my parents created a level of peace that I can't describe. No matter what happened remember that Christ practiced forgiveness even at the point of death. Loving kindness can heal even the most painful emotional injuries.
Wow even though iv been inactive, watching the mormon vids always, always brings me to tears. for some reason.. very strong.
I see that this comment was seven years ago. I'm hoping you have found your way back to the fold, but if not, come back, the Lord and us need you.
You are loved and needed! ❤️
Yes! I agree. I always feel closer to God and have a deeper understanding
This makes me sad...divorce is so horrible...two people vowed to love each other for years and years...then it falls apart...how can you walk away from that? It's so heart breaking...
@elevate4eva
Two months ago I found out that my wife had been cheating on me and it has nearly destroyed me, but in other ways it is healing me. I had been falling away from the church and living a life somewhat sinful, but now I am drawing close to my savior and seeking his guidance. I have been committed to staying and making it work with all my heart, but at times she seems to be confused. The guy she had met and been with has money; something we don't. I just felt impressed to write you.
I know what it feels like to suffer the pains of divorce. I have never suffered anything more painful and devastating then the loss of my wife. Most will not understand, but I loved my wife and still to this day mourn over her loss, much like a death. In spite of my love for her, her agency is something I had no control over. I never imagined that my heart could've been injured so deeply by someone I loved so much! I pray that God will have mercy on me, and bless me with His healing power!
Amen, brother. You said exactly what I feel about my X. I go back to why did this have to happen-and it comes down to agency-and once again I desperately need my Heavenly Father.
Important teachings. Divorce is a difficult subject--especially when discussed in the context of religion. Elder Oaks says the truth simply and directly.
Marriage doesn't sound an easy thing when there's selfishness, sin (adultery/fornication/alcohol etc..) are involved. Praying for those that go through this difficult times on their relationship. Christ's ways (repentance/reformation) sounds like a good avenue that many might not be willing to take. But easier said than done.
Hang in there. Divorce is never easy. I grew up in an LDS home with a father who was chronically adulterous, but my extended family and ward were always there to support my brother, my mother and me. For me, that was the most important thing I needed at that time, and maybe that's just what your child needs. I know it's hard, but with the Lord on your side, it will get easier.
That’s good you guys had the support you needed. Heavenly Father is like that.
In my situation, not only is he chronically adulterous but abusive too. As much as I love him, I can’t live like that-and it was an extremely chaotic environment for my kids to grow up in-so some of them are not growing up like that-he’s still abusive but not like when he was in the house.
I can't wait till I'm married. I'm going to treat my wife like a queen!
I hope you’re still on the covenant path brother!
Hope you kept your words
I am 21 years old. I have never been married but I was with my love for 3.5 years. We recently broke up and its been TERRIBLE. Its been 3 months and I still think about her all the time. Its so so painful. It is so hard to believe that +60% of Americans get divorced! I haven't even experienced divorce but I know its harder than my situation, my heart goes out to all those who are in pain. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me your story, I feel the same way. God bless.
my first marriage was an abusive marriage.. I was young and didn't know any better nor did I see the abuse until after our marriage.. I remarried last year and my new husband for whom I share a son with has had affair's and I now have major trust issues with.. My family who are member's are not supportive of our marriage and are urging divorce but I remember the family proclamation and the vows I took which are for better or for worse. We are seeking counseling together and I'm working on removing the toxic people in our lives which is most of my family.. I'm keeping everything in prayer and hoping that the lord can help us through..
Crystal Pope I hope that thing have been going better. Cyrstal I know that God loves you and cares for you and when you put you trust in him he will do wonders. Keep going and keep trying he is urging you on to keep to the path which lead to do good. Priesdent monson said dare to be a Mormon dare to stand a lone dare to have purpose firm dare to make it known
Crystal Pope I hope you're doing well
my husband dragged his mistress from his first marriage...into this marriage. were still married, and he hasnt looked her up in years, but i will never trust him. who you date is who you marry. i wish of of known this before i married him.
I am so glad that these are now available to share with my friends who are having problems - I hope this helps them.
My wife and I are in the process of getting a divorce. This is the last thing I want for now, but it seems that she is really going for it. She hates the life of not being able to go out with friends to drink a little wine or spend time with her so called friends and stay late at night. We have 3 children ages 12-20. The most I'm worried about is my 12 year old girl. I don't know how she's taking it, but I'm trying to make it as gentle & easy for her. This is a mountain that I have to climb.
I really believe in what elder Oaks is saying. The pain and heart ache of a divorce is inevitable. I am married now but my wife is 7 months pregnant and moved 2800 miles away and filed for a divorce. We honestly dont have any grounds for a divorce. One of our biggest problems is that her mother is over involved and instead of being supportive and trying to help us.... she is trying to save her from a man who would sacrifice anything for her. Never any abuse, addiction or adultery. Pray for us
I appreciate so much having this topic so directly and yet lovingly addressed. I know, first hand, about selfishness and how it masks itself as "taking care of number one" as I was the culprit.
My parents are divorced. They have been since I was 3. But, I have now seen that it was the right choice. My mother prayed with much intent, and felt that divorce was the right thing to do. My father fell away from the gospel, and has drug down many with him. If my parents were to stay together, then I would not have known and had such a strong testimony of this gospel as I do now. Divorce is a hard thing, and in some cases it is not right. But for my family it was.
Many years ago, before I was a member of the Church, I was married to a beautiful young Cajun girl. It did not work out. I was not ready, and I was too much into me to do it justice, I was not a good husband to her. Many years later I remarried. I now know how important my marriage is. I have learned so much about marriage since joing the Church. Now I get it. I learned.
There is nothing more painful in the world (in my opinion) then having your spouse leave you. Nothing. My spouse is my best friend in the world. She left me over a huge misunderstanding that has caused intense amounts of pain for her, myself and our children. I love her more than anything but at this point it's in Heavenly Father's hands. You can't force someone to be with you. You can only pray for a change of heart or in some cases a miracle. I feel for those going through similar situations.
I needed to hear this. Just went through a divorce and now a single mom to a wonderful little boy. My ex moved on before he asked for a divorce.
wow Sarah your ex is something else but i am glad you are doing all your responsibilities as a mother instead of letting the divorce take a toll on you. Chin up :)
My dear Sister in Christ your Marriage was not brought about through God there for you are still single. God has blessed you with a child to help soften the blow so it is a comfort to know you are forgiven Amen. Be strong and remember God has His Hand on your Shoulder. Amen. Stay Blessed and keep the thirst for the Cup of Jesus and the Food of the Spirit up. Amen. If you are not shore about these words have a talk to your Bishop. Amen.
Sarah M
God bless you sarah. hope all is well for you and your son. Be patient and the Lord will bless you with a godly man
I went through it with a 4 user old son, myself. Dear Sarah, I am here to tell you that despite having absolutely no earthly support, I learned to lean on Him and Him only, which enabled me to graduate with three degrees, embark on a striving career, own my own home and as of yesterday, my son turned 27 years old and is in his second year of his Master's degree program at Cambridge University. It is twenty-two years later and I am here to tell you that that once broken, anxious and depleted girl rose above it all through the grace of God who lifted her up once she opened her arms and heart out to Him.
Be strong and lean into Jesus as He longs to have a relationship with you every day for the rest of your life.
Blessings ⚘
Pase por un divorcio, muy doloroso..pero aun creo que el verdadero amor existe!! y se que hay hombres incriblemente maravillosos que aun con sus debilidades pueden hacer que el hogar sea un pedasito de cielo
Mental illness can be another significant factor in divorce. Some, who are diagnosed with mental illness, refuse to receive treatment. Untreated mental illness can become dangerous in some instances, to the person afflicted with the condition and to those around that person. Divorce in such cases may not be based on spite or lack of devotion, but for literal self preservation. Heartbreaking but sometimes it happens.
My daughter was fooled by a returned missionary who suddenly changed, once he got married. He then, (using Elder Oaks' words), "abandoned" his resposibility as a husband. He became a dead-beat, who's only concern was to play computer games, literally, day and night, for 2 solid years, while he stayed in our house. A hole was formed on our living room sofa's back support.
He refused to change. We footed the bill for marriage counseling., to no avail. My daughter had no other options.
In your case, divorce was the best option. Whenever one spouse turns out to be completely lacking in character and refuses to change, it's best to end the relationship. Examples include addiction, alcoholism, constant antipathy, abuse, or adultery.
I wouldn't divorce happens because of young college age kids get married. I am a young college age kid and am getting married shortly. I don't believe that it has to do with age at all. It has to do with an individuals decision to be selfish in a relationship when it is most successful being selfless. People don't care about others as much as they used to in relationships. If both are selfless in this sacred relationship, there are higher odds of things working out.
God Gave Me A Beautiful Girlfriend & Daughter At 21 Years Old. The Blessing Was Hidden To Me By My Hardened Heart & My Blinded Mind. I Recently Lost This Girl, Who So Lovingly Lasted Through The Pain & Tears Caused By My Immaturity & Iniquities. Finding God After So Long Now, I Now Understand & Realize What Blessing I Have Lost. I Am Now In My Process Of Repentance, And Will Prove To God That Ill Be The Man He Wants Me To Be For My "Wife" And Daughter, For One Day To Reunite & Never Fail Again.
I've never been married before but I was engaged before. When she ended things, I entered a low point in my life. I did everything I could to make it last. But she has agency and that's out of my control. It was a rough time. Moving across the country to be closer to her. I had no family and barely knew anyone here in Utah. Luckily I recovered and bounced back pretty quick. Relationships, engagements, and marriages require work. 2 people should be committed amd try to work things out. But I've learned to accept God's will and timing. I've learned that everything will work itself out in the end.
This video reminds me why I love Elder Oaks as much as I do. Thank you.
Anyone having difficulties in marriage should watch the movie Fireproof.
A huge contributing factor to the alarming divorce rate is the lack of commitment by one or both. One person with humility and the Lords help can make a difference and save a marriage.
Jesus Christ does not want people to divorce.
Amen. People don't talk to me anymore, but have never asked what happened or how am I doing. People, who I thought were my friends now shun and point a finger. They have no idea. Those who should be at both of our sides actually turn walk the other way. How sad for them to break their covenants to comfort those who need comfort.
You do deserve to be happy. These decisions are so hard. I am struggling making decisions about my marriage and especially the effect on our children. I have a few good friends who think it might have been more beneficial to have grown up with separated parents than those that stay in a situation worse than divorce. It still doesn't make the decision any easier.
25 years ago in June my Mum left my Dad, brother, sister and myself after an adulterous relationship with a work colleague. It has never been revealed to me but I believe she too conceived a child from this relationship with its subsequent murder. Although i was only a small child the ramification of this event has moulded my life for the better, and unfortunately the worst, but witnessing first hand the hardships of my father my heart goes out to you. Still to this day we will never be the same
I hope that my friend of mine has viewed this video. This is the answer of their problem...I pray that they are going to save their marriage no matter what the cost.
I needed this.
its the 'Majority case basis' thats all. My ex wife left me too unwilling to work on our problems. But I know of many men who just screw up. I am married now to a wonderful woman who would have never been in my life, had my ex never left. Gods Plan? quite possibily.
excellent advice to those struggling w/ the decision of divorce.
My wife anounced yesterday we are getting divorced. We have a three and five year old son.
We have struggled for a few years and eventhough there was definite improvement lately, I think the world's views on how liberating divorce is got the best of her. From what I understand being divorced with young children is anything BUT liberating.
I love her and maybe that's why I'd rather not see or talk to her for the rest of my life, too painful. More than anything I feel for our kids though.......I don't even have a clue on how to explain this and protect them.
Hi Christian, thank you for your comment and for sharing what you are experiencing. We're so sorry for the pain and difficulty you are going through. Our Heavenly Father promises strength and comfort when divorce or other difficulty become our reality: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). The following article from a young divorced member of the Church may be of interest to you or others with these same questions: www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2014/03/young-adults/hope-and-healing-after-divorce?lang=eng Take care! You are loved and you belong.
The opposite of love is not necessarily hate, but selfishness.
from someone who traveled on that teritory, i can just say remember life's test mostly lands on the individual, how one forgave loved and repented and came to Christ matters most.
I agree. My spouse resorted to false accusations of sexual child abuse and then repeated that over 10 years later with accusing me of sexual abuse to all 3 of my children. To this day, never apologized and feels no remorse. In situations like this, the partner accused falsely, has no other option, but to move on and be single again. It is evil, but when a spouse refuses to see their error, the spirit can no longer be in the home or marriage!
So close to crying. Beautiful video. If I could applaud you, Sir, I would.
My husband was very emotionally abusive for most of our 20 years together. Over the years my feelings for him lessened to the point that I could barely tolerate him. After many years of trying to get him to come to counseling he agreed to several months ago and things have improved. However hard as I try and feel that I have forgiven him I do not seem to be able to resurrect the love I once had for him and wonder if because of the years of emotional abuse my marriage is "dead & beyond hope".
Beth Durtschi Moore
Kind the same for 19 years. How is now your life?
It make's it easier for the couple to have the same values .If they love each other and wants whats best for each other they will agree on religion and other issues . Its hard if they don't have the same values , but if they truly care about each other they will work them out .
this is one of my favorite talks
Thank you Brother Eyring.
Marriage and particularly eternal marriage is not intended to be a disposable relationship. I suggest that you read and see what Jesus says on the subject of divorce and remarriage Matthew 5:32; 19:9 Luke 16:18; Mark 10:12; 3rd Nephi 12:31-32.
that wasn't Elder Oaks message at all. divorce is an an option for those who desperately need it who are truely suffering because of the neglect/abuse/infidelity of their spouse. However Elder Oaks also said that is was not the first option we should turn to when things are going bad. you must first sit down and see if both are willing to repent and turn to the Lord. only then can the marriage be saved, just one person can't carry a marriage.
Thank you Oaks for understanding in severe circumstances, divorce must happen. I do agree that miracles can happen through faith and the atonement but in some cases, repeated behavior and betrayal or abuse should not be ignored and with prayer, you may come to the conclusion to leave and move on.
I couldn't agree more with this message.
I believe that a STRONG America will be because we have STRONG Marriages and FAMILIES!
thanks for the words of wisdom.
divorce happens in the church just like anywhere else, I think this video answered your question already stating that abuse and betrayal is worse than divorce. There are some cases when divorce is the best option.
The idea is to try the find the way to make the marriage work and happy again.
I agree. And it's not just there. Prayer only makes you feel better about yourself... If you don't do anything nothing is going to happen....
@TheInsaneJaguar
You are not too young to watch this. I know it hurts when your parents get divorced. Now I am an adult and happily married. My husband also came from a broken home. I think in a way it motivated us both to stay together no matter what. I agree its good to see a councilor (sp?) not only before your marriage but also during your marriage. Talking to your church leaders can also help. My prayers are with you.
Wonderful, Inspiring, Lovely.
Divorce sucks. The pain that causes divorce is nothing compared to long term heart ache after and seeing troubles with your kids as a result. Please repent and try to fix your marriage if possible. Love this message of hope because I've been through this hell.
I have read all these about Divorce and though there is no wrong ones the advice is the same. GET OUT IF YOUR HOME HAS NO LOVE. God's love is ABUNDANCE AMEN. Dance DANCE Be happy Amen this is the divine truth. Amen.
The problem with marriage is that government is too deeply involved and it takes the heart out of it. Marriage should be a spiritual journey between two people based on faith, not a joint filing 1040a IRS form
Great points.
i beleive in the law of jesus christ i love the lord and will ovey his commandment never remarry for one will commit adultery
"Often the cause is not incompatibility, but selfishness."
What's even better, is that you can now view this video on a BYU campus network.
A good marriage takes 2 people to want it . Healing can be the most beautiful part of a marriage. However, if only 1 partner is working on it, it will fail. May you all who are "that one" find your peace in the atonement and call upon divine intervention for guidance in your particular situation.
(1) I know you left this comment 6 months ago but I feel for you. There are so many men in this situation with wives that perhaps are swayed by the popular housewives reality shows were the women seemingly shop & party all day. Marriage & kids is real life, cleaning up vomit and scrubbing toilets, sounds unglamorous but taking care of children, husbands and of course yourself can be true happiness.
Lovely. Thanks for sharing.
Pray, my friend! You must include the Lord in all that you do. He will bless you upon you putting faith in Him and His power. The Lord however cannot control your wife, though if be His will, he could certainly soften her heart. God's power is infinite, His will WILL be done, just have faith and trust in him. I wish you the best.
I pray that couples does not need to go thro a divorce as it is not a solution to a problem. Selfisness and bad advice often leads to breakdown of a marriage. The pain of a divorce is deep and it scars
The remedy is compassion & understanding. Repentance may be a key, but it doesn't work if one is continuously thinking "it's my spouse who needs to repent". "My spouse doesn't go to church or studies enough" etc.
People need to try and understand and have compassion for eachother, there would be a whole lot of problems solved if people would try to figure out the root of the problem and build an answere based on listening, compassion, understanding, etc. instead of " 'I' go through so much"
I hope more people start doing whatever they can to make their marriage work and go into marriage more carefully.
Great video
Excellent
Don't worry that happens in every church, not just yours. I have known many people from different faith's that go through a divorce and the Church takes a side and shuns the other partner.
I wish i would have been stronger and a better person. This pain is worse than hell
Finding the right man come from within. If you strive for faith, integrity, worthiness, sacrifice, dignity, strength, and virtue, youneed not worry about the right man. It isnt enough to be nice; it isnt enough that he is handsome; you have to find a man who shares these qualities with you. You cant quit and say you've tried, when there are lacking qualities in each of us. Strive to be like Christ, search His Kingdom, and whatever blessings that come from it, shall be for your benefit.
if you love the lord keep the commandments and do the best you can.
i'm not married but good talk to married people
I agree with what was said here. If it is possible, try your very best to work things out.
no one is perfect. Many people play the victim and just point the finger at the other while they want to please the world and not God. Might be going through my 2nd marriage because of the same attitude they had....
@Felipecabesas, I have been happily married for almost 5 years. Married life is wonderful! It is nice to come home to the arms of those you love, and who love you. Marriage provides a way for those involved to find ways to serve one another; to support one another in trials and troubles. Marriage provides security. If I were asked, "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?" I would go home. Don't get a prenup Have faith that you will have a successful marriage, and then work.
It comes from this video, towards the end.
Awesome video! very inspiring...Thankyou
I've been divorced. This message is true.
thank you so much
I have been divorced 21 yrs .at times it still hurts. where are the good lds men ages 55+ who like full figured sisters who have a lot to offer
Marriage can be difficult so can working 40 hours per week and overcoming life's little foibles. What is done when things get hard, most of the time we jump ship it shows how thin we really are when the easiest way out is the option taken. Marriage is work 24/7 pure and simple where is the love where is the fight when things go wrong in a marriage? As a culture we are week and need to grow up and face the responsibilities when the ship is left the innocent are always left behind at their peril
Thank you for another great video. :-)
My sister is going through this exact situation right now with kids who are at such a young age. As I see these three little girls being raised up without a father figure (because he would rather be out drinking and doing what he wants), what would you recommend for me as an uncle to help my sister and her daughters?
Doc, it's been a year since your comment reading, "Why is it that MEN are shown as the perpetrators and women as their victims. ..." In that year, I hope your life is progressing well; while I do not know you beyond your posting, I sincerely want the best for you and your life. Regards.
(2)Remember that there are still thousands of women out there who would love to be a wife and step-mom to your kids. Try to explain what is going on t your kids, don't assume that they know about the divorce simply because they saw their Mom move out-sit down and talk openly about it and tell them that if they are ever feeling down/ confused they can come& you will stop what you are doing to hear them. That is some advice that saved my brother when he went through the same situation w/ his wife
I've been thinking about getting divorce, I love my husband but it's hard to handle his lack of faith in Heavenly Father, we don't have kids and If I ever have, I don't want my kids to be in that sittuation, its hard to go to church and pray alone, our marriage in the temple means nothing to him its painful, he is a good husband but I dont know if I want to live my life with this pain and uncertainty also is lack of faith is dragging me down.Im afraid to commit a mistake and afraid to live this
79vangogh
Hi. I feel the same about my husband. How is your life now?
hi
The institution of marriage will continue to be attacked even more fiercely as time goes on.
It is up to Latter-day Saints to defend it, live it, and show the world what marriage can and should be like.
If only much of the world realized that a successful marriage is based on a couples' commitment to Christ, not only to each other.
to Sam: Marriage at a young age is only one risk factor. I took a class on Divorce and Remarriage when I was in college. This is good information: divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson3.pdf
So Im going through this right now and know everything he said is true hurts. I feel sad lucky no kidz but feeling alone every hurts soo much specially since im married and thing is if it would just be me kneeling I dont know what to do and i wanna break down but i wanna be strong and push this aside
@redchubs hi! have you read the book of mormon ever? i was young and was learning a lot about religion too.. if you have any questions about the lds church feel free to ask me!
gostaria que tivesse dublado ou legendado; pois não falo inglês... e gostaria de saber o que ele esta falando; sou membro da igreja. e amo tudo nesta maravilhosa congregação! alguém pode me ajudar?
Divorced and will never marry again!
God will always bless a marriage.. and no one can separate yous, unless you two agree to allow it to happen. Thats you and your partners choice.