Our 34 Year Age Gap Problem
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- Опубліковано 28 лют 2024
- Some thoughts on age gaps and hate I get regarding my marriage
/ dreamsounds
Stream "Fenway Park": open.spotify.com/intl-de/trac...
The article John and I were featured in about queer age gap couples: www.them.us/story/lgbtq-inter...
Bryony's video on age gaps: • Unpacking the Age Gap ...
The soundtrack for this video features performances from Hans Bilger (bass), Alexander Dubovoy (piano), and Dexter Stanley-Tauvao (drums) - Розваги
i think people have conflated actually problematic age gaps in relationships (ones between a minor and adult) with relationships that are between 2 consenting adults who have a large age gap between them. it must be so fucking tiring to hear people talk about your relationship with your husband in the ways they do.
Honestly, like I say in the video, it was just something I laughed off for a long time, I mean, the people who say awful things clearly don't know anything about my relationship. But given the current political climate, I think it's important to be direct about it
@@DreamsoundsVideo its good you can laugh it off, hopefully it will reach the right people. i get wanting to mitigate abuse as much as possible, but policing other peoples relationships isnt the right way. we should be focusing on recognizing red flags in behavior and speech, not pearl clutching over a perceived imbalance in power dynamics
I'm a clinical psychologist who is also in a relationship with a significant age gap, and I've spent a long time thinking about this.
I mentioned to Marlene on another of her videos that the hate and discrimination my husband and I have received has been entirely from people in their mid twenties and younger. especially because I work with children and adolescents, that's something notable to me and a subject I'm considering writing a paper about at some point. I believe strongly this is generational, particularly in online spaces, and is related to gen Z's broader idiosyncratic perspective on relationships compared to other, older generations. this would contribute to the kind of conflation you identified, which I have also observed.
Marlene, it is excellent to see work from you again. I loved all your more personal content when the channel was dreamsounds, and so of course I think making that the topic of the new channel was a brilliant idea. your voice and ideas are considered and articulate, always informative and enjoyable. congratulations on relaunching.
@@easterntrees im someone who is gen z, but ive spent my entire life around family members who are 20 years older than me. its a running joke that we keep having kids with 20 year age gaps between them. im extremely comfortable with talking to people much older than me, which is something i think a lot of other people my age struggle with. there just arent a lot of spaces for younger and older generations to interact safely and its an unfortunate truth that many gen z were groomed as teenagers online.
I don’t think I’d associate these types of reactions with a particular age group or generation, but do think that the discussions surrounding age gap relationships in the particular way I describe in the video seem to be a recent cultural development that I associate with the internet. Even just seeing how the discourse has changed since I turned 18 in 2013 is pretty significant, but when I tried to do research on what exactly changed or when, I wasn’t able to find anything. And it’s purely anecdotal, but most of the vitriol I get comes from the internet - IRL people of all ages are generally accepting of my marriage, possibly because our dynamic has a physical presence that can dissuade any harmful assumptions.
The only resource that I found that was relevant was the book “Daddies of a Different Kind: S** and Romance Between Older and Younger Adult Gay Men” which does a survey about the recent representation of age gap relationships in a positive way, but that doesn’t explain the attitudes of assuming grown adults can’t consent that I address in this video.
The “actual photos of men I dated in college” section made me laugh way harder than it should have
Me too😭😭
I think what people often tend to forget is that while there are some objective measures that can work as general guidelines, in the end it all depends on the exact relationship dynamics and that isn't for outsiders to judge.
Thats a good point. Real relationships are not math equations. Real life is messy and complex. So long as everything is between consenting adults and everyone is happy, a relationship can be a healthy one.
I always had feelings for older men, even as a teenager. Im 22 now and nothing's changed. It's just a part of me now.
Also to clarify I never dated older men when i was a teenager lol
If the relationship isn't abusive, I do not care. You guys seem to be healthy, so I don't think any of the hate you get is valid.
The thing I’ve learned is that every relationship under the sun (familial, parental, platonic, romantic, etc) is unique - because every person is. And that’s why it’s so hard to make sweeping statements about almost anything, especially when it comes to consenting adults together. Each one should be looked at under its own spotlight, and we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss “normal-looking” relationships as healthy because my goodness plenty of them aren’t
I really don't like the "brain development age" thing for the reasons you mentioned and also cause it because popular shortly after I turned 18 and suddenly everyone was treating me like I was still a little kid. Then I get to 25 and suddenly get told "if you're neurodivergent your brain doesnt fully develop till youre 30" and so, I could be infantilised again.
How long do I have to be a child. When can we accept I'm responsible for my own decisions?
I think the discussion about brain development is very interesting and while working on this video I did a lot of research into neurodivergent activist perspectives, but ultimately didn't include that because the focus became about my personal experiences. I think that's an important side of all of this to consider, though!
“that was my sexuality. to the point where as a teenager, i didn’t even know i was gay for a long time, because i wasn’t into teenage heartthrobs of the day” as a femme4butch lesbian, in which androgyny and masculinity is basically a prerequisite for me finding a woman attractive, this really, REALLY hits.
Damn! Same!
@@mikaylaeager7942 sisters in arms fr fr
shoutout to -Amara- Haruka for making me realize I like girls
I had a friend who started dating a man who was 48 when she was 20. You can absolutely be certain I side-eyed that news. However, I did know that friend to be someone who was sure of herself, didnt put up with nonsense, and was level headed, so I asked the questions one does when they want to make sure their friend is ok, but assured her I'd give him a chance before I made any final judgments. When I did meet him.... I got it. Their energies matched. He's a good man who found a good woman, and vice versa. So while we, the friends and family, cant be blamed for being cautious, I do hope that we can also not conflate caution with unproven certainty.
Frankly, once you're an adult, the age gap issue isn't too terrible imo
You sought John out, he didn't groom you, and your consent as the younger party shouldn't be disregarded
I agree for sure. Unfortunately I can paint our relationship as the loving marriage it is and people will still project their wildest assumptions onto it, though
@DreamsoundsVideo sadly, some people can jump to terrible assumptions under the guise of "good intentions" no matter what the truth may be. As a longtime watcher, I'm thrilled to know that things are going well with you and John, and I am happy to see you returned to us on UA-cam.
Honestly same with my cousin and his partner. both are also have around a 30-ish years apart@@DreamsoundsVideo You and John and my cousins are just happy and I think thats beautiful. This was an amazing video.
... that someone who posted that seems to be working through some things.
Also I say, as long as you love each other and are happy... There's not enough happiness in the world. If you find it I wish you both keep it
I think you and John are an absolutely beautiful couple. The photos you share of you two have an infectious joy to them! It warms my young queer heart
My first girlfriend was 32, I was 19. The reason? I had autism and great difficulty in dating, she was 3 and a half years out of an abusive marriage and equally terrified of dating. We were both awkward, geeky, and safe. Was it ever going to work out? No. Do I regret those four months? Not in the slightest.
I resonate with this so much and I’m so glad you found each other in that moment.
I only ever see large age gaps in relationships within the context of predatory relationships. So seeing your healthy and loving relationship was really welcome and refreshing to see. Thank you for opening up on such a sensitive topic
This is literally two predators being obscene together lol
@@basedretard844 "This makes me uncontrollably =/= This is morally wrong"
Please reflect on that. And on the fact you project predatory behavior on a loving couple you don't even know.
My husband passed away 3 months ago at 69 and I’m 30. We were together for 9 years, so I definitely understand what you’re going through. He was white and I’m Chinese so we had ageist bs along with racist assumptions about us. It’s crazy how people will ask blatantly if he was sugar daddy or if I was using him.
I’m sorry for your loss. But thank you for sharing
One of the things that always bugs me about conversations regarding age is that people act like every 20 year old and every 60 year old are the same. They're not. I have autism and as a result my twenties marked a lot of self discoveries that people go through in their teens. If I was ever in a relationship with someone younger than me they would likely have more power than me despite my age. Like, I'm almost 30 and I'm pretty sure most 22 year olds are more put together and less vulnerable than I am. The thing I was really hoping you'd talk about was how he adjusted to your gender transition since he considers himself to be a gay man (I think?) and how the two of you navigated your love and your gender and sexuality. But I really appreciate the look at age gaps too. I think once a person turns 18 a lot of people thing you're suddenly an adult or you're an adult at 25 or at 30 but... We grow, learn and change through our entire lives and we have different levels of vulnerabilities and self awareness from others in our age groups. Should a 14 year old be with a 30 year old? No... No there's a lot of issues with that for sure but if that 14 year old grows up into an adult that still wants to have a large age gap then... What's the problem? At that point there's less risk physically and psychologically. Every relationship has the potential to hurt, at what point do we step back and let people decide what's best for themselves? I think when it comes to relationships and age people are very touchy about it and it can be extremely scary to talk about because people can easily take a worst faith reading of it. So, I just wanna say you're super brave for being so open about this! And I'm glad you two are so happy together
Regarding the transition: I don’t think he was expecting that since he previously identified as a gay man and honestly spent a while struggling with being gay in the first place. But (based on how he describes it to me) our bond was so strong that he was ready for anything - I first told him about thinking about transitioning in early 2019 and did not believe him when he said he’d be fine with it, just because it seems like such a difficult thing to ask of someone. But 3 years later I started my transition and I think now he identifies as queer if anyone asks, but prefers to not label himself at all. I think we’ve both been surprised at rediscovering certain nuances of love and life!
@@DreamsoundsVideo This is such a wonderful and sweet sentiment. I think the idea that sexuality is a set thing that can never change is ridiculous, and the idea that we have to pick a label and stick to it is even more ridiculous. Love and sexuality are fluid, changing things. The fact that your husband is not only open to your changing identity but also the change in his own as a result is beautiful ❤️
As someone who's always liked older men and is currently in a relationship with an age gap(although a much smaller one, just seven years) I really appreciate that you made this. Tbh I've always felt a lot of shame for this part of myself because you always see people degrade girls who do date older men by saying they have "daddy issues" or are anti-feminist or other incredibly unkind words I wont repeat here, so knowing that I'm not broken and I'm certainly not alone really helps
God you’re videos are just fucking killer! Like hats off to you! You’re absolutely crushing these personal essays
I think my nation, Finland’s recent presidential election is perfect example of queer (often gay) men dating younger men labeled predatory even if they have spent decades together. It is completely clear that the obvious choice lost because of his relationship with his husband he has been married to for decades now. Yes they met at the ages of 18 and 30-40 but our former deeply beloved president in his seventies is married to his god daughter who is in her 40s. That is only subject of jokes, not any sort of implications of grooming even though he had access to her since the very beginning.
In the end we got this bisexual lizard man but at least he should be more unpredictable and good comedy material. It isn’t as if president really does anything in here.
Love sometimes just happens. You should scrutinise power dynamics and reach out to your friends to assure that they are safe but in the end once you are adult you should be able to engage as one.
Bisexual lizard man xD
@@mtsanri well please Google him. You will see what i mean lol.
@@mtsanri look it up. He is so weird lol
@@nonniperkl6273 juu tiedetään :D
This was so refreshing to watch, thank you. As a trans person especially, the way people are defining adulthood now is scary and worrying. No one is saying everybody reaches 18 and has the same universal level of function, but its the age we picked to be legally independent and its the age where people go to war and vote and are legally responsible for more things. Always disturbs me to see people say a grown adult is incapable of consenting to an age gap. Because the same thing is said about trans people being "too young" until whatever magic age. Same thing for disabled people was once the norm, seeing people w developmental disabilities as forever children. And as a 24 yr old w autism, I've been seeing that one more too. Let people live. Let adult make their own decisions regardless of if youre comfortable with them. Trans people can know young, 20 somethings can kiss grandpa's, folks w down syndrome can drink responsibly.
I don't really think you're really an "adult" when you turn 18 tbh. It's not like you have a mind of someone who is like 30+ y'know? Which is why I feel iffy whenever there's big age gaps where the younger person is 18 : /
I say this as someone who is barely even there, this whole discussion is so iffy to me so sorry if I didn't make my comment clear
@weirddd469 yeah but it doesn't matter if we "feel" like 18 is an adult or we are an adult at 18, because that is the age when we are given adult responsibility if we haven't already had it. Even that isn't universal, but yeah idc who feels how about the age of 18 because that's the age we picked and until we change the law it just makes sense to let people who are 18 be their own person! People can do differently at 18, or try to guide their kids differently at 18, but at the end of the day science doesn't support there being any such thing as "adult" as we understand it, so we have to pick an age where a human is of their own agency and 18 is that age. And I think that's the point of the video? Being uncomfortable with something DOESN'T MEAN it's morally wrong? If people are upset about abusive relationships then talk about THAT? Stop assuming there is anything inherently abusive about a relationship just because it's not what you would go for personally? Also a heavy dose of mind our business imo, if no one is hurt it ain't my business, and I'm not gonna make up a lie about their relationship being secretly predatory because of one aspect that isnt.
@@CerberusC23ah I think I see your point? It's just a personal thing I guess ..? I wasn't assuming anything it's just something that's quite foreign to me. I try to understand or at least comprehend stuff that I'm uncomfortable with and it's just stressful
Like just let that girl have her fucking Margarita
You and John are a beautiful couple and I wish you all the happiness in the world. My experience was kinda similar, I dated an older man when I was in my early 20's because I just felt more comfortable around older people because of my upbringing. My grandparents raised me. Unfortunately, I caved to the pressure of people telling me it was weird for me to date someone older. And since marriage equality wasn't a thing back then I also worried about what would happen if he passed away while we were together. And while I am now with someone my age, I did love him and I don't regret seeing him. We still talk and he gives me solid life advice. and I don't condemn age gap relationships. But for me personally, I started feeling different about dating people my age now that I'm 30. I just had to meet someone who was on the same wavelength as me. But yeah I'd never turn someone down because of their age even today.
The way you explained your love and self acceptance was so beautiful.
I'll admit that for a long time I was judgmental towards age-gape relationships. Specifically ones where the younger party is still very young. I imagine the likelihood of power imbalance is still higher in these types of relationships compared to non age-gape relationships but as you pointed out things like finances, positions of authority, etc. could throw off that balance too.
I suppose it's just difficult for me as an older individual to imagine myself romantically interested in someone fresh out of high school. I think it'd be easy for someone with so much more life experience to take advantage of someone that much younger than themselves.
However relationships shouldn't be judged with such a broad brush. This was a very sweet video that changed my perspective on things. Hopefully I can continue to unpack any biases I may have. Thank you!
You make a really good but challenging point about how the stigma around age gaps and thus your attraction to older men made finding help in assessing a bad relationship difficult, especially when we only consider the age gap when looking for where things went wrong.
Even now I admit my initial emotional reaction to finding someone 18-23 is dating someone significantly older comes with concern at the potential room for harm, even if I recognise that they're adults whose agency should be respected and that shame is of no help to anyone but those who seek to exploit it. However if my worry adds to the barrier of stigma, then that itself is a problem.
I certainly don't know much about your relationship, but I remember your videos from when you were transitioning and thinking, "She's so lucky that she's got such a loving and supportive partner." *That's* what matters.
I met this gay couple some years ago, J and N. They met when J was at Uni and N was around 40, J fell in love at first sight but it took N a little bit to come around to this young man. Some people were shocked, but they made a life together, that is until J died of cancer with his devoted older husband at his side. Life is rarely simple or predictable; there are exploitative people who take advantage of young partners, and there are also people who fall in love and make it work. We would be better of teaching young people how to spot predatory behaviour than judging people making it work. You found love, that's beautiful and I wish you joy for as long as you have one another.
Girl thanks for this. I’m a cisgender women, and I get shit too. My partner is 68& I am 28. It’s funny too because anybody who knows us in real life is supportive, it’s only people online who say things.People just like infantilize young adults.
What I was younger and would hear a lot of people say this that people aren’t mature until 25 ,I was confused. Since it wasn’t accurate to my lived experience. I would wonder if I would feel different about things as I aged.But,the only thing different between me now at 28 and me at 19(the age when I met my partner), is I have more life experience. But I had an understanding of what consent meant at 19. I was not a child and also did not look like one (i’m sure your partner has gotten better feel like accusations like mine has, which is ridiculous because I was completely passed puberty and had secondary sex characteristics obviously)
It is honestly so aggravating. Especially since a lot of the time I hear people tout this popular fallacy that we aren’t mature until 25. I remember reading about how Alexandra Cohen, one of the original researchers was frustrated that people were taking the data added contacts and without nuance.
When I read the peer reviewed study, I ended up finding out that what is actually happening as our brain is starting to specialize. So essentially it is getting rid of certain neurons, and certain connections, in favor of strengthening ones that we are actually using. That’s why learning a language for instance is so much harder later in life. It’s our neurons pruning. (Well people who are a.m.a.b do prune slower than a.f.a.b people, they’re still NOT infantile and have a right autonomy) so it’s just ridiculous, that people say we are not mature until then. Especially when you look at it therapeutic resources, many of them say that we start to truly understand many things,like death / permanence of things around 18. That’s why that is the age when we start to diagnose certain mental illnesses. You are still developing, but have an adult brain.
I’m so sorry that you have to deal with the trans phobic aspect of it as well. It’s frustrating for me, even though I am queer, I am in a heteronormative relationships currently. I can’t imagine how much more difficult that must be.
People need to understand, that when it comes to any relationship you just have to look at the context of it. For example in my relationship, my partner never knew me as a minor, they never pressured me into anything, I was already on my own , he wasn’t in a position of power over me and we genuinely cared for each other, and had stuff in common. (Even some of the things I listed it depends once again on the situation) people need too stop infantilizing grown adults. I also think it’s interesting to, since you are trans and bring up that issue, I wonder if some of these people who are advocating for age gap relationships being inherently inappropriate.... realize that they are saying that people who are younger do not have a right to autonomy. Which is terrifying because as we see in your case T.E.R.Fs abuse that to be transphobic.
Sorry for the long post! This is an issue I feel strongly about and wanted to throw my two cents in. Thanks for the video 😊
On a side note too my partner and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary this august, I can’t wait.😭
On a side note, your voice is so pretty. It is so pleasant to listen too. 😊
Thank you for sharing your perspective, I'm glad this video resonated with you! I have been processing these thoughts for basically my entire adult life as I have watched people react to my relationships with older men, and it took me a while to undo the shame I felt for being myself. But given how I've been seeing these discussions influence queer politics and specifically discussions about trans rights, I thought it was important to finally put my thoughts together. And happy upcoming 10th anniversary :)
What do you even have in common with a guy in his sixties??
@@Scaryspider555 I don't think it's that surprising that people of different ages can have things in common
@@Scaryspider555probably more than you think
I think that using an age gap as a sign of something that might have a power imbalance is a useful heuristic, but it doesn't apply in every instance. And the "half your age plus seven" rule seems to be pretty good in many cases.
I don't think there's any way in which age gaps have to imply a power imbalance, as long as both people are adults. They just often do.
You're clearly thinking about your love for your husband in a way that shows awareness of what to watch out for, and you're seeing what your relationship really is in that context - and, it sounds like it's not one based on control. Good. That kind of deep understanding makes better relationships, and it sounds like yours is amazing.
As the toast given at every wedding in my family says, "May you live as long as you wish, and love as long as you live."
holy shit that opening comment 😭😭😭 i've recently entered my first relationship at 20 with someone who's 28 and you'd swear i'm 15 and they're 50 with how some people react. and i get the apprehension, especially from women, but i'm capable of critically analysing my interpersonal relationships and the effect they have on me and treating me like i'm a stupid idiot who'll eventually learn my lesson doesn't exactly make me want to confide in you if i Am ever in danger
Age gap relationships are definitely tricky to navigate. I do think that there is justified reason to be concerned when you have someone just starting adulthood and entering an age gap relationship. An early adult IS vulnerable. They do have lots of new-found freedom that people prey on.
But here's the thing. I don't think that shaming people in those relationships is useful. Because if they're safe in the relationship you're just making them stressed and unhappy and if they're not safe you're likely distancing them from you and making them unhappy which makes it harder for them to get out if they need to. You can express concerns that don't have to do with the ages. Because ultimately the age isn't so much the issue it's the behavior. The age is more of a marker or indicator than anything else.
I don't think wholesale normalizing age-gaps is a good thing. I don't think most older adults have good intentions with younger ones. But you do need to be able to live your life and be happy and people shouldn't just feel like they have permission to comment on your relationship when they know next-to-nothing about it. You can look out for people without doing that.
Off topic but the photos of you two in matching outfits before and after your transition are so fucking sweet
Great video! I'm happy that you two found each other, and I think people tend to sort of infantilize young adults (especially women).
I will say, there is one case in which I find large age gaps can be problematic, and that is if the older partner has kids who are the same age as or younger than the younger partner, especially if they still live at home. That is just a very tricky situation. Then again, step parents can be a tricky situation even without an age gap.
Sorry for rambling. Best wishes for you two, and I hope the comments and articles will change and/or decrease over time. You always look so happy together in your videos and on the photos, it's really wholesome.
I definitely agree that age gap relationships (like many uncommon types of relationships) can poke holes in social structures and that can require some conscious effort to navigate. Like, my husband is older than my parents, and through that terms like "mother-in-law" lose meaning in a way that I think was odd at first, but has reminded me that language is just an attempt to describe certain experiences, not universal ones.
My parents have a 16 year age gap. My whole childhood was shaped by people’s judgement of their relationship. My parents love for each other was always a source of debate for those around me. I remember feeling so upset and defensive because I know they love each other but I could never prove it. My mother gets the most bs for it honestly. Because she is beautiful woman who married an older man. People assume the worst.
As a trans person who has trouble connecting with my mom as I begin taking hormones, hearing your story is very cathartic. It recontextualizes the separate societal abuses my mom and I experience as one in the same.
The problem of social media is that people make big assumptions with very few details. Then which assumptions you’re most likely to make indicate your biases.
The problem with something like this is that while on the rare occasion things like what accuser put forward does happen, to make that assumption then push it forward is to undermine the awareness of a fully matured adult of their own situation, it says I’m a random who only knows half a paragraph worth of information and I’m going to passively suggest that this terrible thing is going on here instead of having faith in the person actually involved in the situation. It also indicates a bias towards the stigma of gay, and some bi, men as predators. Reading this it seems like accuser knows well of their own bias and was being passive mostly in attempts to cover that bias/homophobia up.
There's this weird influx of people infantilizing young adults lately, like they can't make their own decisions or don't know any better, and I don't understand it.
If it started with two adults, it's none of people's business who you date and who you're attracted to. People need to just let other people have their own lives and make their own decisions. I'm happy that you've embraced your love and your brand of attraction; no one should have to suppress their own happiness just to keep unaffected people comfortable.
I feel so seen! So heard! It's taken me a long time to accept my attraction to exclusively older men as long as it's taken me to accept being gay. My 70 y/o boyfriend and I 26M will have been together 2 years this June and I have never been happier. I needed this. Thank you. ❤
In your age gap survey, which I foolishly thought was just an arbitrary thought exercise, I quoted the so-called "half their age plus seven" rule. Not only were you obviously quite aware of that, but also enlightened me to exactly how old the idea is.
I feel I must apologize. Someone close to me was hurt quite badly by a marriage to someone whom society might say had an "inappropriate age gap," to put it lightly. But much worse things were at play, and it wasn't the age gap alone which caused all that to happen; at most it was an effect rather than a singular cause.
I admire the relationship you have with your husband and he seems to be a truly caring and supportive partner. You are opening my eyes to the fact that while age gap relationships may be more challenging, they can definitely be very healthy and wholesome when they work out. In fact, I have an age gap with my partner, though it is smaller.
I appreciate the comment, but just to clarify, I see nothing wrong with what you initially wrote, my point in bringing up the "half their age plus seven" rule was not to say anyone who follows that is wrong, but just point out that it's relative and hasn't had any relevance to my life. The focus of this video is on my marriage so I just mentioned this in passing, but I have suffered abuse and take the discussions regarding that very seriously. That's also part of why I think it's important to speak about this, because while I think that discussion is important I also think there is nothing wrong about the wonderful relationships I've had.
But thank you for sharing your perspective, I think there is nothing wrong with being informed by the experiences of yourself and people close to you, in the same way that my experiences have shaped a lot of my own take on this
"I think its really important to be careful about conflating 'this thing makes me uncomfortable' with 'this thing is morally reprehensible'" YES SAY IT LOUDER. I have such a hard time when I see other queer people, especially other young queer people, say things along the lines of 'this thing is gross so its bad' because thats how so many people in the world feel about ALL queer people. What anyone finds 'gross' is so incredibly dependent on the culture that surrounds them and the idea that it is any indication of morality is just ridiculous. We should not be basing our moral judgements on whether or not something makes us uncomfortable.
And on the subject of power imbalance, a LOT of things can cause a power imbalance, age just one thing. As someone in an interracial relationship, the idea that I shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has less power in society than me is more than a little disturbing.
this video is such a breath of fresh air amidst the breathless sensationalistic debate around age-gap relationships i tend to see online. my mom and dad have a 10-year age gap, they've been married for 37 years and they taught me what healthy relationships look like
Thank you, Marlene, for this beautiful piece. You have given me a lot to think about. I have often been wary of large age gap relationships, but I think ultimately there is no magic formula for these things. What is important is mutual respect, support, and love, which you seem to both clearly have.
Love to the both of you! ❤
Sometimes i feel so disconected from my own generation, like, i don't have problems with age gaps (except if it's a minor and an adult,that's literally a crime) and i'm not ''anti-sex'' as some zoomers tend to be nowadays. While it's an strange concept for me (in the sense i don't fully compreend), i don't condemn the people involved or say they're promoting bad ideas. I'm 21 years old and i would be fine dating someone in their 30's, but i confess i kinda feel intimidated by 10+ age gaps. (because i feel i came ''too late'' for that person's life,you know what i mean?)
I’ve been on that journey too. I haven’t realized this was totally normal and I recently started embracing it, but I tend to like older women/femmes as well (not that I can’t like women/femmes my age too). It started with me crushing on Peneople Cruz and Kate Beckinsale when I was 10-11 and then most of my celebrity crushes were older women (5+ or so). Hell, I’m in the best relationship right now with my girlfriend who’s 9 years older. We feel so equal, so in synch with each other.
I feel like cis-het society doesn’t truly get this. We are not planning on having a family and I’m not a minor, so why people can’t just mind their own business. 🤷🏼♀️
Anyway, reaching out to say I truly connect with your experiences. Thank you so much for making this video! It truly means the world to me. ❤
Thank you for the kindness, I am glad to hear about your happiness! I have lost almost 50 subscribers since posting this video, but hearing from people who it resonated with reminds me that I did the right thing by making it. I've spent too long getting caught up in the shame other people expected me to have that I didn't realize it shouldn't have been there to begin with
... or he just could be a really sweet guy 😊 From the first photos on, I saw of you two I could tell you both were a happy couple with a well-working dynamic.
It's wild to me, people react so tipped off because of the age gap.
One can't judge people because of that one thing they know about them - like one of them being much older than the other.
My boyfriend is 20 years older than me and I dread telling my family. The fact that he, like me, isn't always in favor of large age gaps is WHY I love him. But if you're both peers, and equals....there's no issue.
That comment left me so dumbfounded. In my own family there is a couple with a pretty wide age-gap, and it would be wild to me if anyone ever treated the older one like a perdator
They’re taking a minority, of a minority, of a minority, and casting them as the entire community. It’s the same kind of logic that leads to anti-immigration sentiment
That was a beautiful video; the song has my eyes leaking. I'm really happy to hear your husband is going to join you, and I wish you all the best!!!
Just seeing that pic of the two of you made me smile. I sincerely hope you guys are happy, always warms my heart to see happy grampas
that part of Fenway Park always makes me cry :') so very happy for you and John - y'all look so beautiful and happy together!
When I was 22, I started dating a 36 year old man. I'm a nonbinary transgender man; at the time I was still living as a woman, and he's a straight man. Yet even with "only" a 14-year gap, I felt significant resistance, both internally and externally. I found it necessary to join an online forum for "age gappers" for social support and validation. I found that I was on the very low end of the range of gaps in that community, and some people there even minimized the significance of my age gap because it was so small. But people outside of that community did find it significant, so I was in this weird in-between space. (Being bisexual and nonbinary, it's pretty much the story of my life - always falling through the cracks between categories)
Our relationship ended for reasons that I consider *related* to our age gap, but not directly. For instance, he was (and had been for many years) settled into a home and a lifestyle that he wasn't inclined to change, while i was still in the stage of life when I wanted to try new things, explore the world, and find my place in it. The biggest question that broke us up was whether we would live indefinitely in his house, which he owned and didn't want to give up, or make plans to move elsewhere because I didn't like the idea living in that neighborhood for the rest of my life, not one bit. There was also friction due to my own financial dependence, since I came of age during a massive recession and was struggling to find jobs and keep them; he also struggled with unemployment during that time, but since he had had time to get a significant amount of work experience before the recession, he was able to find good-paying work much faster than me. He openly resented me for this, and I'm still kind of hurt about that.
But none of these are *necessarily* a factor in age gaps. Now I'm 36, the same age my boyfriend was 14 years ago. I'm far from settled; I move on average once every year or two. I'm still growing and changing and am more certain than ever of my preference for flexibility and malleability in my life. And sadly I'm not financially stable either, though my experience with past relationships has made me much more hesitant to merge finances with my partners no matter how much it would help us in the short term.
My partner now is "only" 8 years younger than me, but even we have experienced some resistance on account of that gap. My partner said that as far as they're concerned, the gap is "okay" because it's less than 10 years, but obviously that's not a limit that I share. And I'm constantly aware, when we hang out with my partner's friends (many of whom have become mine), that I am liable to be perceived as the creepy older guy in the room. My partner has lost a close friendship since we started dating, and I was named as a factor in that.
Basically, I agree with you. I hope this discourse continues in a way that acknowledges that quantitative age and qualitative power/experience/development differentials can be linked, but still as diverse and varied as everything else in life.
I'm sorry for any and all flack you're getting for this video. It's beautiful! I really do think that the outrage is purely reactionary. Like you said here, "it's really important to be careful about conflating 'this thing makes me uncomfortable' with 'this thing is morally reprehensible'", and I think this video is just weeding out the part of your audience that unfortunately hasn't quite gotten there.
as a nonbinary individual who’s really only attracted to men who are 5 or more years older than me, it’s sad people see our relationships as inherently predatory, not even considering that the younger person might just be attracted to older people and might be actively pursuing those relationships of our own volition. the fact that younger, but legally adult queer people aren’t viewed as adults with their own functioning brains and autonomy to decide what they want for themselves…even more so if the individual in question is disabled :|
It's one thing to wanna look out for others but I think there might have been an overcorreection to how society is going about things like this that deserve more nuance. There's times it comes off like we're infantalizing literal adults under the guise of concern
Thank you for making this video. My fiancé is 11 years younger than me and when I first learned our age gap I worried he’d ultimately leave me for a younger woman; it’s like I couldn’t conceive of how a handsome young man could be attracted to older women. I think it finally clicked when we started binging 80s fantasy movies and when he’d say ‘that was my childhood crush’ it was never the young ingenue types, it was these mature sassy types. I finally was able to stop being insecure about it and accept that he was as attracted to me as I was to him.
Very important video! While I tend to be one of the people who will generally side-eye age gap relationships, I realize that a blanket condemnation is overly simplistic and, overly simplistic things tend to be..., well, wrong. Like the marvelous Jessie Gender said: "Nuance is a thing!" Not all age gap relationships are the same, and there are other factors influencing the dynamic. Whether or not, for instance, Alice Walker's relationship with Tracy Chapman when the former was in her 40s and the latter was in her early/mid 20s was, as they say, problematic, is something we can't really know as certainly as many people on social media pretend to do. And the people who'll condemn Patrick Stewart and Jeff Goldblum for marrying grown, accomplished women in their thirties when they themselves were already well into their Hot Grandpa years are just ridiculous and very much Not Helping.
This is so sweet! Idk why but ive felt for a while that people are a bit too hard on age gap relationships, esp when its gay. For whatever reason, it is somewhat common, and what do we really gain as a community by telling people who are consenting that they arent? As a teen, i was told that my reality didnt matter, legally i had no rights, etc, and it seems that telling people in these relationships that is wrong is an extension of those forces. I simply hate the 25yo brain thing, bc people use it to say, look, youre not mature, nothing matters. But im right here, and i have capicity to make my own decisions. Anyways. Thank you, and congrats!
For me they are just suspicious, although I definitely agree you can make your own decisions before 25, it's just very sick to hear about older adults looking for someone who is freshly "legal" especially if they are teenagers.
However that's how I see it!! It is frustrating to be treated like you can't form any decision yourself I felt that before
Your videos are always so considered and well-spoken, puts me in mind of comforting old-timey films like the examples you showed at the start
I honestly wouldn’t want to date someone that’s old enough to be my parent but if that’s what someone is into and both people are consenting adults then I think it’s totally fine
My partner and I don’t have a gap as much as you or others, but we have a 5 year age gap. Seeing this made us both very happy and feel somewhat seen (in our own way), I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with such annoying people. Keep being wonderful and happy with your husband, no one has any say on that!! 💖🏳️⚧️
This almost made me cry, thank you so much for this video
Why are ppl like this just reading the comments you added in the video hurts my soul, you 2 look so happy keep it up🎉
this is a beautiful video and has definitely changed my viewpoint on age gaps, thank you
Thank you so much for talking about this, I've tried dating romantically and sexually... I'm so sexually and romantically repulsed by my age group, we can be friends but I never want more than that. I've put off dating older ages because I'm dreading the conversations and the assumptions. And I guess I'm afraid of being hurt, but I've always felt so disconnected still.
I've always been more into older people, since I was a baby I refused to play with my age mates. I'm over my adult teen years for a while now and I'm not too worried about being attractive because of the teenage fetish some people have. You're so right, it's also my sexuality. I NEED to be a couple years younger than my partner. I'm not sure I'll find my lady or enby that'll fill my heart this year, but I'm hopeful. I don't mind aging at all, I find myself more beautiful by the year.
In friendship I end up often as the venting post and team leader, I'm a good leader and great at emotions... But I really don't love it. People 10 years older than me just seem to level better, like just become a great team. I've got my emotions pretty stable, and I would want a partner who's similar in that department. I would love nothing more than to talk about it, but I don't want to become a crutch and a reality checker over and over again. I just want to be that jump of motivation or that moment where you can let it mellow out with me. They seem to have a better grip of consent too, I can't state how many times I've had emotional boundaries crossed or be sexually harassed by 20 y/os.
This is probably a rambling mess, I drank too much while exhausted and I'm just feeling fuzzy that you're talking about this. I'm very likely to eventually have a similar age gap and you two look so happy, love your videos. I hope to have something as happy as you two have :)
I would mainly be sad about the much higher likelihood of one of the partners passing much earlier than the other, but obviously the people actually in the relationship are well aware of that and find the happiness they find in the relationship is well worth that eventual likelihood.
Thanks for making this. I've wanted to hear the other side of this argument, and what you're saying makes a lot of sense.
I'm more on the aro/ace side of things but for a long time felt like I couldn't be friends with people older than me even though I wanted to. I felt like I couldn't be friends with my teachers, especially, even though they meant the world to me, and I felt ashamed for how much I cared about them. That's been fading lately - love is beautiful when you allow yourself to experience it. And this video helps too.
Marlene, come ON. How are you always so eloquent. You did an amazing job here.
I love that you made this video talking about this and I'm so happy you have such a loving and fulfilling relationship (woo John! he seems great)! I personally think power differentials between lovers/partners (whether that's age, class, or any other positionality/social location that grants you or denies you power differently from your partner) is something to be thoughtful about, not something to make rules around like 'you shouldn't do this'. I don't think it's okay to date or molest children, but I don't think there's a super clear line between where a child is and where an adult is, and it's pretty different for different individuals in terms of how they mature. Basically I just agree with everything you said in this video and think you did a beautiful job talking about this! I'm sorry you've received such weird and hateful and judgemental comments from some people. It seems you're able to take in in stride and I really admire that. Thank you for making this video
I really hate that whole “half your age plus seven” thing that’s become commonplace tbh. You can’t turn love into an equation.
Commonplace? I never heard of that saying before
I think what's interesting about it (that I didn't really think was relevant to this video) is that people often bring it up as if it represents some inherent human nature or scientific point, probably because many people hear it and think "oh, that makes sense" - it's been used in many ways over the last 100+ years for different reasons and I don't think someone saying that today would agree for the same reasons that someone did in the early 1900s. I'm glad people have a phrase that describes their experiences and clearly it has become so commonplace for a reason, but as someone who that's never really made sense for, it's always seemed like an odd cultural standard.
I'm so happy for you. I really love these new videos. I'm in an age gap relationship myself. I'm in my 20's and my boyfriend is in his 30's.
That takeaway is beautiful. That not everything needs a reason. That you are who you are, and are comfortable that way. You aren't hurting anyone, and have gotten someone in your life you truly love that reciprocates those feelings. As someone who feels stuck needing to find a reason about how I love, and my struggles to find it, one of the best things to hear is that there doesn't need to be one at all
The age gap (unless between a minor and adult) shouldn't really matter. As long as you're happy with your partner, and they're happy with you, that's what should matter. And the fact you found that person is absolutely amazing! I mean you survived for years with him in the states and you in Berlin, and you were able to keep that love. That's incredible. It's not other people's place to say if an age gap is toxic or not in your relationship, especially if you're just naturally attracted to older people.
Also I know you've posted a few videos more recently but it's so amazing to see you back making content, you're like my comfort channel and have been for years ❤
I think people who arent in age-gap relationships shouldnt comment on 'how likely they are to be abusive' because you TRULY cannot know, and abuse has NEVER been dependent on age difference. (and a 40 year old can be less 'wordly' and 'experienced' than some 20 year olds, so its pointless to even speculate). ABUSIVE ACTIONS are abuse, if someone is too controlling, threatening, etc. THAT is signs of abuse, but simply knowing the ages of two adults in a relationship gives you no real idea of their dynamic. I wish people would stop acting like every relationship is PROBABLY abusive unless proven otherwise. Its kind of a sick result of our society (at least in the west, its all I can speak to) being so fractured nowadays.
Also just keep in mind how offensive you are being to the people in the relationship by automatically accusing them of being abusive to eachother, like for real whats wrong with your mindset that youd do this? Keep your opinions to yourselves, these are people's LIVES and LOVE, not drama for you to comment on.
The importance is that we are true to ourselves in this one life. We all at the end of the day are souls that seek a understanding of each other and the world around us. So I thank you Avelo for speaking your truth and loving who you love ❤
I haven't finished watching the video yet, but I can't believe how much I relate to you. You are saying, word for word, some things I literally told my friend last night over the phone! "I didn't even know that I liked men, until I realized that I just liked them way older than me," is exactly what I experienced, and what I myself just said yesterday. Not only that, but I have also credited watching golden age movies all throughout my childhood and formative teen years (and still to this day) as probably influencing my taste while trying to figure out "why I am this way". I'm a twenty-something, and if I were single and not a wuss, I'd be going after 50 and 60 year olds like crazy pssh. They're all I fawn over. I can't believe I'm dating someone my own age. Neither can any of my friends. But hey, if we get married, at least he'll feel secure knowing I'll find him attractive until the day we die.
I just finished the video, and have found myself relating to you again. Having a thing for (pretty much) exclusively older people really makes you constantly question yourself. I know I do. I sit there and think about everything, like "Is there some weird reason for this? Is it because of my relationship with my Father? My Grandfather? Was it the way I was raised? Was it the media I consumed? Is it genetic? Is that even possible? Am I just a creep? What is wrong with me?" (By the way, my familial relationships are all fine and unrelated, but what others say will force you to think about it. 🤦) But like you said at the end, and what has also been my conclusion as I've tried to quell my brain over the past few years is, often there is no "source" of it. Despite our everlasting search for concrete answers to everything, you cannot quantify every emotion, every feeling you have. You simply are the way that you are. And it's interesting, because I know what I find attractive about older men and it's all innocent. I love the look of older men-- I love white hair and an aged face. I love a mature presence (they usually match my energy, but when needed can be reassuring, and given my interests, we have a decent amount in common). I love a distinguished person, someone experienced, even worldly or traveled. Especially if the person is intelligent and skilled in what they've practiced all their lives. That's all very attractive to me. There is nothing wrong with any of it. It's just when you confront societal expectations, suddenly there must be something wrong with you. It's sad. But again, there is no use questioning it. We like what we like. Why does one person like orange juice and another hate it? You're not going to argue with their taste buds. There's no point.
I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled with similar feelings of shame or confusion about the way you are! While I was in college I was always sort of "the weird one" among my friends because of the relationships I was in, but after some point I realized you just can't change who you are, which feels like something I've had to re-learn many times as I came out as gay, non-binary, as a trans woman, etc. I left it at that for a few years, but in recent years I've seen how the discourse has shifted to the point that these discussions are actively contributing to "anti-groomer" hysteria, and after the recent death of my first partner I decided that it was important to process my feelings and share them.
actual chills at the end. your talent is unlike any other!
It's pretty gross that people who ostensibly want to "protect" younger women from older men are perfectly fine harassing them, calling them stupid, and suggesting they're too infantile to consent to a relationship as a grown ass adult. I remember watching a woman in her 20s get yelled at banned from a PDX queer housing group for having a boyfriend in his 50s, and I have to wonder who's being protected when we ostracize young queer people from their own communities for having an older partner.
Also, your point that older people can be abused in age gap relationships is really important!! More age =/= more power
4:47 I think there's a difference between someone saying they might have concerns about an age gap relationship when the younger person is below a certain age (but over 18) versus saying it shouldn't be allowed. I doubt you'd find many in the LGBTQ+ community - and perhaps in society at large - who would say it should be made illegal for young adults to date people considerably older than them. But you *would* find people who might express some concerns, depending on the circumstances and individuals involved.
I know when I responded to your polls, that's basically what I meant. I would absolutely fight for the rights of any legal adult to date/marry any other consenting adult they choose, regardless of age. The trans analogy is actually a good one. As a trans person, I support the right of young adults (and even older teens) to make decisions that may have irreversible effects. But I also support having guidelines in place to ensure the extremely low regret rate that currently exists for transitioning remains low. That means gender affirming counseling, at the very least, and probably a few hoops related to living as their stated gender for a certain period prior to accessing hormones, surgery, etc. Similarly, while I do *not* think it should be a requirement, I would encourage any younger adult considering a relationship with someone significantly older to take things slow, and perhaps seek therapy if they feel it might benefit them in any way (and honestly, who wouldn't benefit from therapy?).
The reality is that most - but not all - adults are at very different stages of life at age 18 vs 58, and many of us are still quite naive about relationships at that younger age. So while I would never say age gap relationships should be disallowed, I would have some concerns if a young family member entered into one and began moving the relationship forward quite quickly. Even then, I would likely keep my concerns to myself, unless my relationship with that person were such that I knew they would both want and value my opinion. And even if I did say something (because that person and I were close), I would support their decision no matter what, because in the end, it's their decision to make.
I just wanted to clarify. Having concerns doesn't necessarily equate to wanting to ban something. But young people are young, and they don't magically know everything about safely navigating the adult world the moment they turn 18. There is a middle ground where we can be supportive, offer constructive advice when appropriate, but still genuinely respect each person's right to choose their own life path.
Yes, lets make it *harder* for trans people to receive the life saving care that is already extremely difficult to access. Informed consent has consistently been proven to be the best model for trans healthcare, medical gatekeeping causes *immense* undue suffering. Humbly, your opinion is trash, please never speak on this subject again.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! While I do think that most people might think my marriage is weird, IRL it's rarely (if ever) an issue.
I do agree that many people are speaking about their concerns, but the way that I've seen convos about my marriage on TikTok referring to my husband as a predator and speculating about his sexuality does give a more menacing vibe, as it seems like they can't accept that two adults can be in a relationship they find weird, so it must be equated to criminal behavior with the implication that those criminals should be imprisoned or executed (both things that have been suggested to me before). And while I do think there are important discussions to be had about mitigating abuse, recognizing where seemingly well-intentioned concern nosedives into absurd conspiracy is important. On TikTok, the video I reference has over 100k views with a majority of the comments projecting worst case scenarios.
@@DreamsoundsVideo I hear you. Fwiw, I'm in an interracial marriage (as a white person married to a non-white immigrant in the US, no less), so have faced comments about my marriage being wrong, unnatural, "sinful," etc as well - though I'm certain not at the rate you've had to endure. I also faced a ton of scrutiny from people during the years-long "dating" phase, when people were quick to assume my then-boyfriend must only want to be with me to get a green card (15 years of marriage later, we're happier than ever). Even well meaning concern can hurt, and can absolutely cross a line into something that simply isn't okay.
I do think that TikTok attracts a certain audience that doesn't truly represent the opinions of the general public very well. I think if you were to interview a thousand people on the street, regardless of that area's political leanings, you would find most expressing similar views to what I mentioned in my original comment. People might have concerns if someone they love enters an age gap relationship while young, but I think most would fight for the right of consenting adults to date and marry at whatever ages they choose. I might be naively thinking better of humanity than I should - it wouldn't be the first time - but I hope not.
In the end, I'm sorry you've had to endure so much judgment around your relationship. I don't know you well, but from the very little I've seen, it does seem like a healthy relationship, and as long as both of you are happy, that's genuinely all that matters. I'm glad you found each other.
Thanks, a great video! ❤
I am also in age gap relationships and it's interesting because before i never thought of dating someone much older than me, but our ages don't really have much to do with our relationship, aside from our experiences being different. Also, i think time is a lot different for queer folks, or anyone not on the relationship escalator, normative model of life. Or even anyone who has stepped off or taken a different path partway through
when people hear of some concept, they immediately start to apply it to themself.
if they can't do that - it means "it's wrong".
accepting that people ARE different might be the greatest challenge. The Internet opened so many doors that some people were not ready, but slowly we get there, and we are different in a good way. And also as one of U2 songs - "we're one, but we're not the same"
BTW can you imagine being that person who hates everyone? like they don't have anything better to do in their life, and live such miserable lives that complaining about how some people love other people is their main thing? Or maybe they are secretly jealous that some people can be open and love someone and be truly happy without the need to pretend to be someone else or obey rules that they invented for themselves?
I used to be really wary of age gap relationships because of some things I saw unfold in the people around me, people I love who got hurt but that was a long time ago, there were outside factors to those situations and they also just aren’t my experiences. Im realizing that this is just something I’ve been needlessly judgmental of. Also want to shoutout Harold and Maude, big age gap but probably my favorite romance movies ever.
UGH THANK YOU for posting this. Unrelated, but this idea that consenting adults are not allowed to……… be consenting adults? Is such a weird puritanical turn society has taken recently in the last 10 years, or so. People need to get out more lmao, glad you are happy in life.
I'm in an age gap marriage. He is 15 years older than me with 1 child from a previous marriage. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We met while I was in college. We married 10 years later after my transition. Him & his family has helped me in more way than I could have imagined, & he is still my best friend. I love him so much. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
for the entire time i’ve followed you, i’ve never seen anything weird about you and john’s age gap. you were a legal consenting adult!! like, sure, it’s a big gap, but you weren’t like, freshly 18, you were an adult! i’m so sorry people are giving you bs. yall are an absolutely adorable couple .
The singing at the end gave me shivers!
True love can't be stopped ❤️
this video helped me confront some of my own biases, so thank you.
im a gay trans dude married to an older cis dude (28 and 42 respectively) and i keep hearing the inverse of the horror myth you described--"cis guys love young trans guys cuz they look extra young and femme". what ive taken away from this is that people are judgemental, don't know shit, and should mind their own business lmao.
I HATE that this has happened to you, but I LOVE the piece of Keith Harring artwork on your nightstand!
You and I have a lot of similarities. I'm also a 29-year-old trans woman, have also always been pretty much exclusively attracted to older men (we have the same type haha) and I met a 51-year-old man when I was 22 and proceeded to fall madly in love. We were together for six years, were engaged, but eventually broke up - for the best, we're still very close friends. I find the things people say, the negativity people place upon age-gap relationships, to be deeply frustrating. Any relationship can have any number of things that are wrong. A power-imbalance in an age-gap relationship can go either way and either one can affect the other positively or negatively. But people love who they love and nobody should feel the need to defend their love or their relationships. Consenting adults can make their own decisions and shouldn't have to accept broad assumptions being placed on them for it. I'm very happy for you and your husband
This was really insightful. Thank you for talking through all of these things and sharing with us. Also I love the photos. The two of you in pink, so adorable
People will act like age gaps are inherently abusive but equating the two is unproductive imo. They can be abusive of course, but my mother was 13 and my biological father was 17, a mere 4 year age gap. This relationship was volatile and extremely abusive, but most people would be fine with a 33 and 37 year old dating. In fact my beloved stepfather is the same age as my biological one and their relationship is far better. What I'm trying to say is that ultimately abusive relationships rely on more than an arbitrary 'morally acceptable' age gap and rather a multitude of factors but it's often easier for people to rationalize and compartmentalize a notion like "age gaps are inherently abusive".
Thank you for this. It really bums me out when I see people, especially in queer spaces, freaking out and making assumptions and nasty comments about age gap relationships between adults they don’t even know. The similarity to arguments about trans folks’ capacity to make their own medical decisions is something I hadn’t even considered before but is definitely concerning. We need to stop infantilizing young adults.
I'm sorry people treated you that way... that's not fair. You love who you love. So long as everyone treats each other with kindness and compassion, why not? Some people are into redheads. Some people are into musicians. Some people are attracted to older people. It's not wrong, it just is... nothing more.
I hope people learn to be kinder and more accepting.
Age gap relationships aren't inherently bad, however I feel like there are tangible inequities that you fail to mention in this video. Young adults age 18-25 are significantly less financially stable and are not as capable of making a livable wage as well as just having less overall wealth, credit and financial knowledge. While financial inequity isn't inherent or exclusive to age gap relationships its much more common and does increase the potential for abuse. Emotional maturity and overall life experience is absolutely a factor, while the "brain development" argument is bunk and doesn't hold water the social dynamics between 2 people with vastly different levels life experiences can cause relationship issues and inequity. While none of these factors are exclusive to age gaps, they are more likely and may explain why specifically younger women seem to receive the most backlash about their choice in an older spouse due to sexism and the increased statistical likelihood for woman to be the victims of abuse. I don't think the inherent "ick" that some people feel about age gaps is warranted or good, however there's much more to the societal disproval than you let on in this video and I wish you spoke more to the nuance of it all. I am glad you have a good relationship and have owned your personal interest in older men and wish you two the best.
Also, as a trans woman who has been in age gap relationships I feel like comparing trans/queer-phobia to the societal disapproval of age gaps is just distasteful. I see what you were going for but for lack of a better word "that just ain't it"
I appreciate you sharing your perspective on this even if you disagree with how I talk about this topic. I don't think we'll agree on the trans/queerphobia thing, but I do understand what you mean about the rest of your comment, I just don't think it was relevant to the argument I was making, which was mainly to refute vitriol I get regarding my marriage. I think discussions about financial disparities in relationships (like other potential power imbalances) are more accurately described by focusing on the disparity itself instead of conflating it with age when they aren't inherently linked. I do agree that life experience is something that can affect relationship dynamics and in the polls I did, some people cited that as a more important differing factor than age itself.
Maybe I will revisit the topic in the future if I want to cover a wider spectrum of arguments, but a lot of the hate I get about my marriage is people stating factually untrue things about it and I think the only way to refute that is to state the truth instead of entertaining every baseless assumption people project onto it.
I don't understand why people get so offended by age gap relationships, my step father is old enough to be my mother's dad and that's never caused and problems for them. He's the first man that she's been with who actually treats with the respect that she deserves.
Extremely annoying all these armchair psychiatrists trying to enforce their own personal biases on relationships between two consenting adults. “Age gap relationships are harmful and an uneven power balance and I base this on nothing with absolutely no evidence to back up this claim because I’m a self righteous chowderhead on the Internet!”
You're really brave thanks for sharing
Omg omg omg, you dated Moomin 😳
I met Moominpappa on Craigslist
People really be like, "why would you date someone secure in their life with a lot of experience"?
Moominpappa!! I wasn't expecting that. Excellent breadth of taste lol.
As everyone else is saying, as long as the relationship is healthy and without any clear power dynamics I really don't care. That said I also understand why people would be put off by a large enough age gap and think they're within reason to be uncomfortable; It's only a problem once they direct harassment towards the people in question or share negative opinions no one asked for.