Hope you enjoyed this video! 😃 If so, you might want to check out these others we’ve done: German Police vs American Police Culture Shocks! 🇩🇪 - ua-cam.com/video/JSIZTaeHXvc/v-deo.html The Alarming Differences Between American vs German Christianity - ua-cam.com/video/bpoH3XZXpfk/v-deo.html How talking with a German is TOTALLY Different than talking to an American - ua-cam.com/video/pEtTk5wzL-w/v-deo.html 5 Shocking Differences Between American and German Coffee Culture - ua-cam.com/video/nz8aT_4Xrhc/v-deo.html
I do see the appeal in actually being gifted your birthday meal and on some levels that is definitly more logical and ofcourse nice :) But what I see as well is the draw backs of it becoming complicated socially... I see dread involved with thinking "did they remember my birthday" or "I am Vegan did they consider that" or "do they even know what I like". Also having to prepare or buy food for a group of people once a year seems way less of a hassle then buying for all of your friends on their birthdays^^ So feeling the thoughtfulness of someone going through the trouble and making some food for you or just gifting you a meal at a restaurant :) really nice... but just having the food prepared yourself you can make sure it is what you look for and can then share your taste with others :)
Vielleicht sollte man unterscheiden, wie man einen Freund definiert. Jemanden irgendwo kennenlernen und sich gut mit ihm verstehen macht noch lange keine Freundschaft aus. Das ist einfach zu oberflächlich. Genau, die meisten sind Bekannte, können aber Freunde werden. Dieses "so" ist nicht dein Ernst? Das sagt sicher nicht jeder Deutscher
A British person who is living in Germany stated: "Britains are too polite to be honest. Germans are too honest to be polite." This statement pretty much hits the nail on the head.
It is true, in a sad way. I live in the anglo world and I feel I really can t know what an Anglo means because they chose to be polite. Germans can be honest to the point of being brutal. That is the biggest culture clash. I prefer my honest countrymen.
@Andreas: being polite it always a way of showing respect in social interaction: Being honest and not beating around the bush is also a way of showing respect from a German point of view.
My definition of a friend is someone I can wake up at 3 am and talk about a problem without feeling weird and who can do the same with me. I think that is a definition most of us here in Germany can agree on.
A friend is someone who will turn up when I move to help. A good friend is someone who will rise at 4 o clock in the morning to bring me to the airport. And naturally the other way around.
That is THE definition of friendship. In Germany a friend is usually for life. Someone who you can call at 3 a.m. because your wife left you and he will come and comfort you. Someone who will come to another country to get you home when you are in trouble. Such a person is "my friend" ("mein Freund"). All others are only considered coworkers, acquaintances or at most "ein guter Freund von mir" (one of my "good friends").
Giving to friends and family on your birthday is saying "Thank you for being in my life and supporting me to have it made this far." It is not a celebration of the person itself, but the life they led.
About the birthday thing... My Mom always explained it like this: We lead a good life that we should be grateful for. So paying for everybody's meal or baking for coworkers is a direct expression of our thankfulness.
BTW it's not a competition. Whatever you decide to do to celebrate your birthday will be accepted. It's really about showing gratitude to others for being around, answering your questions, being helpful to you, listening to you, sharing information and jokes with you, coping with your quirks and your habits, reassuring the ones you had a dispute with that you don't hold a grudge and that everything's ok.
That makes sense when it comes to inviting people in general, but why does it have to be on the one day that celebrates our birth and continuous existence? Isn't it more logical to let people partake in our good fortune by celebrating them on their birthday, or by doing it, say, on Thanksgiving or some such date?
@@daarianaharis But shouldn't the one whose birthday it is decide how he or she wants to spend the day? Maybe someone isn't in the mood for a big party but is then forced to pretend that it is a happy surprise nevertheless. I have done all kind of stuff on my birthday, an it was only occasionally a party.
After such a long time in Germany, I have acceded to the German way of doing birthdays. It is not really a burden, but it is completely counter-intuitive for an American. Germans can be stark realists, and their birthday celebrations reflect this: I want you to come and be with me on my birthday, so I have to offer you something nice to facilitate your celebrating my existence. That's one way of looking at it, and the celebrations are almost always very nice for all those involved. On the other, American, side, we see ourselves as entitled to the time and celebration of others. Evidently we are quite confident that we deserve the attention and celebration of the people in our lives. When I think of it that way, then I realize that maybe expecting that much from my surrounding community is why birthdays in the U.S. can often go by unnoticed or result in loneliness and disappointment. So if I want a celebration, I bring the cake.
usually friends and guests are wellcome when they bring something too like a salat for the bbq or a small cake of there own to share so everybody brings something and its a real celebration together
Also usually the birthday person will get presents, at least from close friends. So it isn’t totally one-sided and offering food and drinks is just the birthday person‘s way of showing gratitude.
If I pay for the food of ten friends once a year, it's the same as paying for one meal ten times a year... Also, I tend to invite them over and prepare the meal myself, so it would be kinda silly for them to pay... 😅 And it provides another way of showing friendship: Good friends come to celebrate with you, the bestest friends come again the next morning to tidy up and help with the dishes.
Plus if I do the party and cook and bake there is only stuff I like. Like I only invite friends not just Bekannte or friends of friends. And for the work: my birthday is on a holiday and most time all forget to congratulate day(s) after. But when I arrive with a cake, it reminds them.
I think bringing your birthday cake yourself at work very much explains how Germans experience frindship: Your colleagues are usually mere acquaintances. Not friends. You spend a lot of time together, but not voluntarily, and if you're lucky, you get along. So if you want to celebrate, it is you who have to care for everything, you who invite everyone, as you cannot demand that people who don't have much of a connection with you, DO organise (i.e. pay by THEIR money and time) anything. Bringing your own cake is simpler and doesn't result in potential disappointment. There are, however, two exceptions when money is collected and gifts are organised at work: when colleagues become parents or if somebody is leaving (on good terms, obviously).
That's pretty much the standard in the UK too. At work, you would bring something for your office/team when it's your own birthday (cake or doughnuts or something), and then you'll all enjoy them on your tea break. But in other situations with your friends/family, or if after work you go to the pub with some colleagues before you all go home, in that case the other people will normally buy drinks for the birthday person rather than the other way round. The work situation is kind of a reversal of the normal rule.
Thats the difference with Germans and Americans. Who says people are just mere acquitances? Most of my coworkers are my best friends. We drink (alot), we camp together, we celebrate Thanksgiving (a week early) together, we celebrate Christmas (a week early) together, we celebrate Easter (a week early) together, and we go and party on July 4th.
I try to explain that: When you invite a friend to your birthday, then you value him. And you invite them to say to him "Thanks, that you are my friend."
Imagine, being at work at your birthday and nobody wants to get a cake for you. Bringing a birthday cake yourself solves this issue. When I invite friend to an restaurant and pay for it, I don't have to worry if they could afford it. So I can choose my favorit place without thinking.
And It's a sneaky way to tell other people that it's your birthday without really telling them. And a way to avoid the akward situation when someone eventually finds out it's your birthday after spending several hours with you and you beeing to reserved or shy to just tell them.
Thanks for the challenge to reflect our culture and habits! Re the issue of invitations my answer as a German would be: When I invite guests it is my privilege that they are willing to spend time with me and my friends. They are bringing themselves and I am bringing the food.
I think in Germany celebrating your birthday is kinda like an exchange. You invite people, organize everything and pay for the party. In exchange people get you a gift. So you do something for them and they get you something in return. Or you can go the silent road and don't celebrate your birthday. Then it's also not expected to get gifts. (But I have to say it's hard to not celebrate, cause family or friends sometimes insist.)
I‘m German and have been pretty succesful with avoiding having to celebrate my own birthday. It‘s just so much work and I simply don‘t think I deserve so attention just for being alive. So I just keep it down and tell everyone I don’t celebrate.
That's the way kid birthday parties are. The parents of the birthday kid buy the cake and lunch. Nowadays parents are going over the top and renting an entire kitchen to teach kids how to cook for their kids birthday. My 4 yr old was invited to this kind of party. I looked up the price and it was $1,000. The $1,000 includes the material that the kids cook, pots, pans, staff, and a cake. The kid didn't get a $1,000 worth of presents. She probably got more like $100.
My Danish family have this simple rule: No party = No gifts. And I think that's the general rule. Also, if invited to, say a wedding: How much are you going to spend on a gift. General rule: As much as they spend on hosting you! Small private garden party, you bring lovely, nice gifts. Huge fancy expensive wedding you bring fancy, expensive gifts.
@@romysa.74656bei einer Geburtstagsfeier feierst Du doch nicht, dass Du am Leben bist. Das ist eine Gelegenheit Freunde und Familie einzuladen und einen schönen Tag zu verbringen.
When inviting friends to my birthday, the German way means: "Okay, I will throw a party for you and organize everything. You might bring along gifts - but the most important thing is: You bring along yourselves, your time, your affection, your attention. Time and affection; soo soo precious! By doing so you will make me feel like a King/Queen. And for you doing so, I will give my best to fill the time and attention (you gifted me with) with a lot of hospitality. Including yummy food and a lot of fun!
"I celebrate my birthday" or "Ich feier meinen Geburtstag" already states very clearly who does the celebrating 😉 (grammatical approach) And very often people get invited over for your birthday and then yes, it's quite clear that they organise everything. Depending on the age (and also income) sometimes people (usually good friends) might help out with a salad or dessert or you can bring sth to drink but you would certainly check with the birthday person what they want/need and how you can help. And if they say refuse your offer? They mean it 😉! Enjoy the party 🎉
It is also totally okay to say yes and to organize a "everyone brings something" party to your birthday (or any other occosation), especially if you yourself are not THAT well off.
@swanpride Totally! That's why I said "on the income" as well. Also depends on the size of the party etc. It's flexible. But usually that would be communicated - and as a German you wouldn't expect it as a rule to be treated on your birthday.
The "every guest brings something" approach works especially well if you invite your friends over for a BBQ party. So you'll get the BBQ stuff, while other friends might bring salads, bread rolls, self-made sauces and dips like tsaziki or snacks and drinks.
I'm German, i consider each and every one of my friends still a friend, even if we haven't seen each other for 20 years. Oh and the birthday thing is just German efficiency, if you make a cake every time someone has a birthday the person making the best cakes ends up baking like 20 a year, if you bring cake at your own birthday, everyone just bakes one. You also don't embarrass people who forgot your birthday.
Your friends make your life, hopefully, happy, interesting and worthwhile. As you are glad to have them, your birthday is just as much an occasion to celebrate them, hence you treat them.
it is your birthday, and you invited your friends, so you decide where to eat and so also how expansiv the meal will be. For a german it is rude to think, you would invite them to a expensiv restaurant and expect the others will pay for you. Maybe there are friends that can´t afford a pricy meal, and would be forced to reject your invite, because of that. In the other way it is no problem to say I like to eat with you, and only the drinks goes on me.
Love this! Most of my friends are from abroad, being in my mid 50's makes it extremely tough for me to find friends, especially in Germany. As a German myself. On birthdays- that's the reason why many Germans do not celebrate their birthdays.... Like I do. Little story: I remember sitting in a restaurant with my mom for her birthday with a handful of friends. Outside we saw a Mexican colleague walk by and we invited him to join in. When he realised that it was my mom's birthday, he immediately paid the bill for everyone! It was natural for him. And we had the absolute uncomfortable feeling, that we just invited him in to pay for my mom's birthday. Thankfully enough to our german directness we told him about our confusion an he repeated with a gracious smile "oh no, no, no. It is my pleasure".
See, that is a real culture clash. The problem is that the Mexican may go home not really being happy that he paid and you guys will feel embarrassed for a long time. I have been in similar situations and still dont know how to deal with it. Germans are so much easier to be around.
@@gulliverthegullible6667 We just wanted him to join. He was alone in a foreign city and we had a splendid time. I was ready to pay for him as well. But his card flew to the waiter when the bill was due to pay. I could never thank him enough. Sadly he passed away half a year later. Maybe that's why I remember him. Being so gracious and making my mom happy. She had the most happy smile for days
@@deliatedeschi I am sure that he was delighted to have been invited to join you and wanted to make your mum happy by paying as a surprise. The gesture might seem flamboyant to Germans, but I bet he was so happy to have been included by your friendly spontaneous invitation to join you.
@@gulliverthegullible6667nah, german friendship mentality has it's obvious downsides. If you move to a new city it is very hard to get social contacts. And if you made friends, it comes with bigger expectations. I for example love having a lot of friends, but usually they expect you to spend time very regularly together, so it gets very exhausting after a while. There is less of a 'we like each other when we meet but only see each other from time to time' friendship here.
@@NeurosenkavalierEmilSinclair it is completely legit that you feel that way. I think this is a question of both culture and personality. I prefer to have a small circle of close friends. I have often had the problem of finding new friends in new places but managed to do so. Now I live in Australia where people are more of this distant type as you describe and I don't like it. I feel I don't have any real friends here apart from my wife atm.
As someone who is (even for german standards) brutally direct at times, I personally really hate it when people beat around the bush in many situations. It makes me think that they don't actually want to hang out, do a certain activity or even spend time with me rather than just them being nice.
For me (not from Germany, but grew up here from the early teens) the birthday thing was kinda sorta a surprise, but it made immediately sense. My understanding of this was like this: If you invite people to your birthday party, you also are expected to provide everyone with, well, the party. If you "cheap out" and make it easy on yourself by just taking them to a place to eat/drink, you are at least expected to provide the food/drinks, like if you were hosting a party. My first visit to a birthday in a place was as the entire friend circle consisted of poor students, so it was also a financial factor for me, it literally allowed me to stay there for long enough and not just trying to stretch 2 beers over an entire evening. The host actually provided an explanation of what he would cover, and what not - it was in a Kneipe, so he told us that the drinks were on him and he didn't plan for food. On another birthday, where the host was significantly poorer, he actually told us in the invitation that the first round on drink was on him (and after that everyone was on their own). It always felt "fair" to me, since the guests provide birthday gifts, and in my experience they were kinda sorta the same financial value as what one would pay for an evening spent at the event. Considering bringing a cake to work: from how I understand it, it is actually more of a case of just… letting your co-workers partake in the joy of your birthday. The cake is (in my experience) usually a by-product of the general private birthday celebration, it may be baked along with the other birthday cakes or may actually be left-overs of the main cake (sometimes set aside purposely). In a friendly workspace the colleagues on the other hand are expected to provide a gift for the birthday kid, usually after collecting 5-10€ per person beforehand and always keeping it secret from the them even if everybody knows that it will be done. I feel it just a part of the general culture to show you colleagues about them by letting them partake in positive events in your life. I have seen colleagues bringing cake or similar to work after birthdays, weddings, and, half obligatory, after getting the job (I feel it is kinda sorta a signal that you are the sort of person who would bring cake to work, a way to introduce yourself as a friendly person who is interested in being a part of the team and not just someone keeping to themselves, and often also a way to tell something about you) and before leaving a team. These are also all events when the team is kinda-expected to provide a gift (except getting the job, except the team is unbelievably friendly, I personally would automatically think to myself that it feels kinda like a part of American corporate culture). I also consider it interesting that this also always an occasion for people from other cultures or heritages to show off their culture by bringing their "ethnic" foods, and this is an occasion where even more… hidebound Germans show themselves interested in participating in foreign rituals, at least trying it once (the colleagues of a relative of mine literally begged him to bring some vodka and show how to drink it in a "Russian" way). As a disclaimer I have to say that all of this absolutely depends on thousands of factors and may vary even from person to person in the same circle, at my last workplace some colleagues always brought stuff to work for every occasion and sometimes without any ("It would spoil otherwise" would be more than enough as reason), and some did never. Obviously, first ones were considered friendlier and people felt more obligated to provide something in return to them. I cannot shake off the feeling, that the core of the "cake-to-work-culture" is basically to signal "I am willing and ready to participate in the gift-exchanging game an also I like y'all"
For me it makes no sense that party guests have to pay for their own food. After all it´s an invitation and the birthday child wants you to be there. It´s not that the guests invited themselves or whatever. And if you can´t afford to celebrate your birthday at a restaurant, then stay at home and make the food yourself. No one will judge you if you can´t throw an expensive birthday party. Sometimes your guests will even ask if they can bring sth, like a salad or sth. 🙂
i have friends i havent seen often in the last 10 years but even if there are like 2 years in beetwen we can still go one with the conversation we had than
I am a Brit living in Germany for over 30 years. I think the German Birthday thingy is a way of thanking your friends and acquaintances for being there, for you. At work we usually bring mettbrötchen and have a 'breakfast'. It can get expensive, maybe that is why you keep the numbers of friends low? :-)
A friend for a German is (minimum) they know your house und you invite them for your birthday. In the "good" version, he is helping you renovate the house or moving, or is bringing you medicine if you are sick. That's a friend. There are a lot of nuances in English language too, like, buddy, pal, mate, ally, neighbor, but "friend" seems to be more the generic term, instead of mutual exclusive to others. The only time I heared the term aquaintance in english was in "Should Old Acquaintance be forgot ..." , thought that's rather medieval language.
This! If you help somebody move houses and get groceries/medicine for them when they are sick and are invited to their home, and they’d do the same for you, you are friends.
I always assumed that the birthday person hosting and paying for the birthday event to be a kind of reciprocity, as a thank-you for birthday gifts and for hanging out
As an American-German who grew up in Germany, I can confirm that this different understanding of the term "friend" vs "Freund" is very accurate. Since I tend to be shy when first meeting people, I can get frustrated with my fellow Germans hard shell. But at the same time I appreciate their loyalty once you do get beyond that. On the other hand I find it refreshing to get aquatinted with friends in the US faster, but frustrated when it doesn't progress like I might hope. I am glad to say I eventually found "deeper friends" in both places so I guess it all works out in the end if you put in the time :)
I'm german but i never had the situation somebody planned the whole day with me when we agreed to have a coffee in the afternoon 😅 So yeah, maybe its more common to meet for more than two hours here but what they experienced seems a little extreme 😂😂
If we invite friends/family to a ... let's say: birthday event ... in our house, we provide the food and the drinks. Why should that be different if we decide to invite them to a restaurant instead? So upfront one fundamental decision to be made is whether we would like to invest work and time preparing the meal (-> dinner at home), or whether we prefer to invest money in order to pay someone to do that kind of work (-> dinner at restaurant)
About the paying for the meal thing: As a guest I definitely wouldn´t count on the birthday person paying everything and I would hundred percent bring money, however it is very common for the person to pay and most of the time they at least pay one round of drinks or something like that. I guess that also differs on if everybody is earning money. For example I´m in university and most of my friends are too. I don´t think it´s expected to save months worth of money to pay there.
okay, here is a theory: usually, you would bring a present to the birthday girl or boy ... so if she or he serves you food and drinks or invites you to a restaurant it is leveled out between the cost of the present and the bill of the dinner. At least I think this way ... and I might adjust the amount I spend for the present accordingly to the activity the birthday girl or boy is planning to do with his friends.
I Think the Birthday-Thing comes down to this: when it's your birthday and you invite your friends to a party or dinner, the expectation is, that they will bring you a gift. So in return your gift as the birthday-person is to pay for the party or the dinner. I think it's even commen to consider the potential cost for the birthday person when buying a present for them, meaning if you're invite just for coffee and cacke at their place you would buy a smaller gift but if you're invited to dinner in a restaurant you would feel obligated to buy a bigger gift to kind of 'match' the higher cost the birthday person will have.
I think that it is an honor to have YOU as a guest for my birthday party because you help me having one of the best birthdays ever and feeling celebrated and appreciated. So certainly I would pay!
I think a lot of things come together when it comes to the birth day tradition. The Usual way of celebrating your Birthday is to invite your friends to your house, and it just seems "natural" that the host is the person that provides foods and drink and everything, sicne, well it is their home. Friends often then ask, if they can bring something, an opportuntyi to outsource some of the work to others, but in general, the host is in carhge of the menu and such. Celebrating in a restaurant does happen, but since this is intead of the invitation home, where the host would have had all the work with makind the food, the logical extension is that they pay the resaurant bill. It is also not uncommon to actually gift fancy restaurant invites to friends, and then of course the Birthday-person would not pay, but all the gifters would split the bill between them.
I can (maybe) explain the birthday thing: It is your birthday so you decide who you want to spend the day with, meaning you will invite them - not the other way round. As a rule of thumb the one who invites other people is the one who pays. Imagine walking up to a friend and tell that person: hey, I invite you to go to place XYZ, but you are paying. That would be strange, right?
regarding the birthday thing: the way i see it is that the materiel benefits of the birthday (cake, gifts,...) arent the point. the point to celebrating with your friends is celebrating your friendship and to a certain extent just the friends themselves. you are throwing a party not so that at the end of the day you will have a positive balance of materiel posessions but rather to have a great time with your friends. and as the organizer and centre of the event you provide the required things (location, food,...). you are enabling your friends to have a great time with you, all they need to provide is said great time
Yeah, i agree to the metaphor of Peach and coconut. It's quite accurate. On behalf of the birthday, i think it's like this: you invite people you like, call them friends, or even love them like kinda family, though you aren't related. Since you know you can't make up for it spending their lifetime with you, you can at least pay their meal. There is nothing more valuable than your lifetime.
You answered the birthday thing in the segment before. An invitation means that the one inviting gets to choose location and activity, hence they'll pay for it. An invitation is a sign of gratification, of saying thank you, hence it's impolite to take over that event. Eventhough we get mocked by some foreigners for our lack of hospitality when it comes to random visits (e.g. the school friend that dropped by spontaneously not being planned in for a meal and hence not receiving any food), we take hospitality very serious, however that is when we actively invite you as a guest. Hence also the planning the whole day, as if you are willing to accept our invitation and spend your time with us, we feel obligated to have something to offer for you and take care of your needs. It's a matter of pride for us.
That birthday thing is interesting. When you are invited to a German birthday never forget to bring a gift, even if it’s just a bottle of wine or something. It is considered very impolite to come without a gift, because you get everything you eat and drink for free . The closer friend you are, the more is expected that the gift is well thought over to make your friend happy. It also is O.K. to ask, if there are any wishes when you don’t have a good idea or some people put money together to buy something very special and expensive.
Inviting everyone on your birthday and pay is a way to show how much you value and like/ love them. You're a treasured friend thus you're invited and payed for. So fighting them to pay for the meal is like a slap in their face like "But why can I not show you how much I appreciate you as a friend?" It has been known that friends invite the birthday girl/ boy to a meal but that is usually said so in advance or with students it may be that they will only pay the drinks or everyone pays their part but the birthday person brings the cake. So if in doubt, simply ask. : D
Concerning Birthday at work: i rather bring in some snacks or sweets once a year than 60 times a year. And: very few at my workplace know when my birthday is, and i know very few birthdays of my colleagues. It would be very awkward to feel obligated to know every birthday and bring something in every time, the risk to forget someone is high, there would be sooo many implications about such a "rule" for me, it would stress me out if i had to consider such social stuff on my workplace. That's besides the general not desireable mixing up of professional life and personal social life, which i consider mainly private.
Very funny video 😂 Here goes: I am German, and so are many of my friends, right now I am staying at my Dad's house to take care of him and some of my oldest friends (age-wise AND for how long we have known each other ... the one friend I have known for 53 years, the other for 58 years - as I said we are old 😂) and we spend time together, usually I go to their places, and we will usually say: let's have breakfast together, but I have to leave at noon, or one will say I have to kick you out at noon, as I have another engagement the same day or somebody else coming. Or we meet for dinner at a restaurant and then of course we might leave each one to our own places or one will say, come on we are having fun let's go to our place for another hour or so. Or - in rare cases - as it happened to me just Tuesday we met for breakfast, none of us had other plans, except for me, for a meeting I had to take at 1 pm for an hour, where I needed to leave, my friends asked me to come back after the meeting to discuss what happened there and on my way back I went grocery shopping real quick and then told my friend I was going to cook for us (at her place), as she had already done the breakfast. And then I actually ended up staying until 7 pm. But I would usually say many times in between: I really don't want to take up your whole day ... and when the other person tells you: no, it's fine, I like you to stay for as long as you like ... Then you know it's ok, but we usually have regular check-ins if it's still ok. So it has happened to me rarely that I was expected to stay so long or other people stayed too long. In true German manner you can also (half-jokingly) say: So, jetzt muss ich Euch rauswerfen, ich muss morgen früh raus - or something similar, or you make that clear before you extend the invitation. It has happened - rarely - that somebody would say: Oh no, please stay for dinner, but if I really couldn't I would usually say: I am so sorry, it's been so much fun and I truly enjoyed our visit, but I really have to go, and the hosts will accept that - of course asking me two or three times if I really can't stay, but this is out of politeness. Same way you offer more food, cake or drinks to your guests even when the have already declined 😉 But these are all polite gestures. So never feel awkward or bad when accepting an invitation to let your hosts know you need to leave at a certain time or even when you are there, letting them know how much fun it was, but unfortunately you need to leave. Expect them to try to convince you, but politely decline, maybe offering to meet again some other day to continue the delightful conversations, etc. Germans can take a no, but of course - as politeness dictates - will ask you to stay longer, eat some more, drink some more ... but if you make clear how enjoyable everything was but you REALLY can't eat/drink/stay some more, they will accept it. As to why we invite our friends for birthday instead of of the other way around? I have no clue. When I lived in the US I was usually invited on my birthday, as you said is the case in the US. Funny enough I never asked why. I accepted it as a custom and that was it. And back in Germany I continued the German way. I guess some things I just don't question and accept them as they are 😊 Though I have to say it was very special to me when my boss (in the US) grabbed me on my birthday and said: leave everything I have a day planned for us. Just to make it clear, my boss was female. She invited me for lunch, with the whole team, then her and me went to a matinee off broadway (I worked in NYC), then we went for happy hour and dinner and a movie, followed by a bar visit where the team and other colleagues joined us again. That WAS a fun day ❤
Regarding the birthday: Glück ist das einzige das sich verdoppelt, wenn man es teilt. If I pay on my birthday it just because I am happy to have friends who staid with me for another year :D it also really helps with, who to invited. Everyone understand if one isn't invited, since having to many people gets expensive fast. (Very helpful on kids birthdays, since you dont have to invite a whole class) With that said, younger people often split the bill and/or the birthday person gives just one round of drinks, since money is much more tight when you are young.
About the payment on birthdays the keyword here is *invite* . if i say: "i would like it if we go out to to celebrate my birtday" it is me who invites the other and who ever invites is the one who pays. if it just your ordinary eating out the question would be more like:" We could go to xx" or something similiar. Phrasing maters a lot in these cases.
Donnie, so funny that last part when you mention using a random item for a bottle opener.Our neighbor here in the U.S. is German and when he and my German husband get together in the garage or front yard, they each use the most random things to open their beer. A tool, a shelf edge in the garage, whatever is handy. An amusing cultural difference!
So the basic ruling is: it is an invitation. In germany if you are invited to something it is common for the host to pay except if they announce beforehand that they dont pay.
As to the birthday meal/birthday cake: in my experience, usually friends, family and even colleagues give gifts or flowers etc. to the person having the birthday. So, to prepare or pay for a meal for them and to bake a cake or two a day in advance does rather seem like a minor repay of sorts… And, as long as everybody does this, it will even out over the course of the year and eventually be the same…
My best explanation is, that you are happy on your birthday and giving out cake and inviting friends to a restaurant is your way of showing and - more importantly - sharing that happiness with others. If you actually enjoy baking, it is quite fun to do so, but if you don't, it's quite the bother and people tend to buy cake at Konditorei. Also, if you have to set aside money to be able to invite friends for birthday that's quite the bother! And I would never expect my friends to do that. Overall, I have to say that the American seems to be the better one for this time. :) BTW, in my friend group, usually the person who enjoys baking the most just bakes a cake; and everyone chips in for one big present, with everyone giving what they can afford.
Plus, it is nicer to not put pressure on your friends to do something for you. If you organise the basic yourself, they get to decide if they want to turn up with a cake or a present, which makes it so much more meaningful, because what they give is volontary.
When it is your birthday it is up to you if you want to invite everybody in to a restaurant or if you want to celebtate in your home and you can ask your friends to add to the meal. It is also common to ask a friend who is known for his delizious spätzle making skills to help you with it, for example. Or the greek salad… you get the point.
As a german... organizing your own birthday party or inviting friends to go out for a dinner is just the most efficient way to really have just your real friends on "your day" with you. If someone else organizes it, you end up with people you might not would have invited. And from the financial standpoint....besides that it even outs among friends, if one can not afford a dinner at a restaurant one will probably do it at home and anyone invited will ask what to bring (because really nobody wants to spent a party with just potatoe salad). And if one can not even buy the drinks, real friends will bring them too. One is just the organizer, nothing more.
For celebrating my birthday as a german I'm used to having coffee and cake with my extended family (which usually lasts to wine and salty snacks/sandwiches in the evening when more people come in after work) and having a party with my friends separately. When I was very pressed for money I did ask for my friends if they would be fine to bring all the food and drinks instead of presents or we would go to the restaurant and they would split my part. I'm talking about three friends plus their +1. And yes, they also brought presents 😅
That birthday thing might be a regional one. I live in the very south east and it is not common here for the "birthday child" to pay for everyone when going somewhere. He or she may bring a cake to work, thats common. But treating everyone to dinner doesnt happen here. The guests will probably even pay for a few shots
Really? It is definitely a think here in Austria, but not really for people younger than 40 or 50 I would say as they usually don't have enough disposable income. But I have definitely been treated to meals by older family members on their birthday.
@@j.a.1721 When I was too young to work my parents would treat me, not the person whose birthday it is. But maybe it doesnt only depend on the region but also on someone's personal bubble🤔
The birthday thing is rather simple, I think: You ONLY do these things (paying for the meal, bring a cake to the office) because those are occasions where you are considered to be the HOST. Like, you wouldn’t expect people to bring food when you are inviting them to your home. You‘re the host, you provide the food - and ONLY the food, mind! Because your birthday guests will give you gifts, right? It’s absolutely possible that a restaurant invitation IS the gift - but that would be communicated as such in advance and in this case it’s clear the birthday kid isn’t the HOST. Hope this helps, it’s how I try to make sense of it. 😉
justification for the birthday expence : i would be grateful for everybody who showed up, celebrating my puny existance.. so i am inclined to "bribe" everybode for beeing her with me, by paing for their "losses" in paying up. if that akes sence...
Hi, I am German and I don't see it as a burden to organize my birthday celebration because if I do it, it will be how I like it and I can share what makes me happy with my friends, family and coworkers. Plus as you said we can be pretty direct about what we want and often have good friends from our childhood who might not be as well of as we are ourselves. So what if a restaurant is picked that they can't effort? I much rather make it clear. If I invite you, I choose the place and I pay. And so everybody can be included and nobody is put in a though spot. Plus if you yourself don't have enough money for that, it is totally fine to let your friends know beforehand that you will be paying for the food and they have to pay for their drinks (normally the more expensive and more unpredictable part, 'cause birthday dinners tend to be on the longer side) themselves. Or you can celebrate your birthday by inviting your friends to your home or a park and everybody brings some food to share. That happens a lot in my circle of friends, because a lot of them have small kids and if you celebrate like this it's much easier to bring them along. And it is not so that the birthday boy or girl gets nothing. Don't forget the presents. That part is often organised by a friend or family member. In my experience the older you get the more common it is to get one present from all of your guests together. Even some workplaces have a pot where you collect money to get your coworker a little gift.
in german "was geht?" or "wie denn?" wich are more or less literal translations of "how are you" mean just hi too. From my experience we usually still answer with how we are but not as deep or "honest" depending on the situation.
In Deutschland zahlt derjenige, der die Einladung ausspricht. Wenn die Gäste zahlen wollen, dann ist das eher eine Beleidigung, oder aber, man hat sich im Vorfeld darauf geeinigt.
I am still a student and I am studying education, which does not give you a lot of money, so my friendship circle usually shares the birthday bills. So that it's not overly expensive
11:00 In my experience it depends. If the invitation is for a certain event, I would expect it to take longer. If it‘s for a specific time of the day it may take longer or it‘s just for one or two hours. But even if it‘s relatively short, Germans would prepare for it taking longer. So even if you invited for a „Nachmittag mit Kaffe und Kuchen“, a German host would be also offer „Abendbrot“ if the friends stay long enough until it‘s evening. If a German invites for a „Grillnachmittag“ often Family with kids will leave early in the evening but the hard core of friends probably will stay until after midnight. Also an invitation to an „Abendessen“ is often considered to be open end but a Lunch invitation is over after the coffee you drink after your meal (most of the time). 15:47 The birthday thing is probably more kind of if you want to party, you‘ll pay for it. Because Germans don‘t have that much really close friends it can be a very small crowd. With the hundreds of friends and therefore potential birthday guests that would rather be expensive. That‘s why Germans most of the time are not celebrating their birthday with all their friends, maybe just with the family and a few close friends and tend to give bigger parties for friends, family and colleagues at round birthdays or jubilees.
Exactly what i thought. The invitation "if you like to, we would be glad if you stay for dinner" is pretty common bug if i agreed to come over for a coffee and the host has already prepared dinner (maybe a more complex or expensive one) and expects me to stay i would feel very uncomfortable. I guess in the story he told there was a misunderatanding of what they wanted to do in the first place 😂
On the birthday topic: you as the person whose birthday it is invited the others and planed the celebration, so the entire thing is your responsibility. Also you chose where to go and therefore how much money to spend. If you had your guests pay for it, you would pass them a bill for something they never chose to buy and would maybe considder to expensive. On the issue of cake I think it is mostly about choosing the type of cake you want on your birthday yourself (and discussing these things with your guests beforehand is considdered bad luck, though most people do it anyway...). If it is not at the office it also is not uncommon for guests to also bring cake, but only if the person whose birthday it is asked for it and they always also provide some cake themselves.
Well... It actually has to do with our celebration culture. And that's not limited to the private among friends. In fact, it's very common for people to spend one. It's the same at work. It is quite common that when you start a new job in a company, you work out for your colleagues. That's called a debut. The same also happens (especially after a few years) when you leave a company as an employee. That's called a walkout. It may also be possible for you to issue a strike if you change departments within the company. But that usually happens in larger companies, where you just don't meet that often anymore. It is then in the context of a birthday, to donate your colleagues a breakfast...
Very interesting topic! Its interesting and funny how two cultures can have almost the same word for something abstract like friendship while also interpreting in very different ways. I think this really is "culture" in a nut shell. Very nice video!
I only know that hang out culture from family. When family meets that can take a whole day but that’s special occasions, most of the time, or you come around for coffee and get invited to stay for dinner. When meeting close friends that can evolve to a whole day but most of the time it’s more like meeting for coffee or theatre and then decide to go for a walk or go to a bar afterwards. My general assumption is when I meet someone for lunch I’ll probably be home in the early afternoon or earlier but maybe that’s already doing more than expected. Maybe that’s a difference between urban and rural areas. I only know urban areas.
The “old school of politeness” would say: an invitation implies that a guest should just be a guest. His presence and the good mood he/she brings is the greatest gift you can make as a guest. The present you (are secretly expected to) might bring should minor the expenses of the inviter or should just be a thanks for the invitation. And mind that the gesture is above the cost 😌 Be careful not to insult your “Gastgeber” by paying for yourself or even him-/hers. Could be understood as the inviter could not afford to invite you. 🤓
When Facebook became a thing in germany, many people complained or made fun about the term "Freund" when you add someone. It was a lot of boomerish "yeah they have a 1000 'friends' on facebook but no one to call when they need help". I think that illistrates the different perception of the word pretty good.
Austrian here. maybe there are some differences here too, but here are my two cents.... on the birthday-concern: this depends on how the invitation is worded. if it is an INVITATION like this "Ich möchte dich einladen" then usually, the one issuing the invitation will pay. (attention! the younger the people, the less this is true though!) if it is worded differently, like let's meet at restaurant x, let's get together to celebrate my birthday etc, then everyone just pays for themselves. if you get invited to a party at someone's house, usually the host will provide everything. however, you should ask "can/should I bring something?" and the host will tell you what they need. this can range from a salad to cookies or crisps or "please bring the thing you made when i was invited at your house three monts ago". the byob question: sometimes an invitation will be issued for a party where it will be specified that non alcoholic drinks and one or two alcoholic beaverage will be provided, but that you should bring something else if you would rather drink that - so bring your own beaverage (or beer) if you are close friends with germans or austrians, then you will know what to bring anyway, because either this is a regular get together and you know what everyone who is coming likes, or the host will just tell you.
For German birthdays, you bring your cake and host your special day. Your friends must not forget the date and must bring a present, write a poem for a toast and fulfill you a serious wish, such as making your sister give you a kiss, even tho she is hesitant other days
concerning birthdays: For me I'd say that if you have a friend in germany you have a friend for life. This can be everyday or someone you haven't heard anything from in months or years but you know if you call them with any major crisis, they'll fuel their car and come to resque, anytime anywhere. I'm very happy about my friends and when it's my birthday I celebrate my life and want to share the things that make me feel rich whith whom I love the most. Kind of a thank you. In a sense of "I feel happy and honoured if you make your way and find the time to celebrate with me. I'm so happy to have you so please sit down and be my guest." That won't be dinner for everyone in my case but probably a "box" of beer or two, or a bigger party if I can afford it, whatever I can give. In most cases guests bring more stuff and presents anyway. But for me the most important thing is that people come together and I want us all to have a good time.
As a German I think it’s nice to make others happy (we‘re not completely cold inside;)). It’s like an invitation: come join me, because I want us to be one big group where all people can feel happiness and have a good time together. Also, it’s more fair. In every group, whether it be friends or colleagues, are always people who are more popular or less popular than others. Imagine one has many friends, gets lot of gifts and people pay for the food and others get - nothing. That’s actually harsh. 😢 And everyone knows: a good meal makes people happy!
The German way of paying for birthdays: It allows the birthday person to decide how much they're going to spend. It doesn't really matter much in friend circles where everyone is equally affluent, because you're all going to choose activities and venues that are affordable for that group of friends. But if you have a financially diverse friend group, one person might invite everyone to a home-made pick-nick at the local park, while another person might treat everyone to a fancy dinner, and the not-so-well-off person will not have to worry about being able to afford their part of the bill at the wealthier person's party.
The easiest way to explain it is "Harte Schale, weicher Kern", we might seem rough and distanced at first, but if you make a german friend, you get a proper friend, not just a "friend"
For the invitation thing: The person inviting is expected to pay. It is possible that you invite somebody for his birthday. But how could I "invite" other people and expect them to pay for me ? On the other hand, the guests bring usually gifts.
In Germany you have friends just in school time. School friends. And that´s it. After you get in work life, friends disappear. Maybe you can consider work friends as friends.
I think it is actually more common to just pay for a round of drinks on your birthday and not the whole meal of everyone you invited, though I have been in situations where that happened. if you invite someone, they are gifting you their presence and buy something for you, so you thank them for their effort by paying for one or multiple rounds of drinks. seems fair to me. this way, both parties pay a bit and not only the friends have to pay everything. also, can i just say how incredibly strange i find it when in tv shows people go eat and then split the bill evenly between everyone no matter what they ate? i would be so fucking pissed if i just had a salad and the others a huge steak and i had to pay a share of their meal. i think the "pay what you actually ate" system works way better, considering i am broke af and always look at what every dish costst before i order.
As a German, I find Americans to be more approachable, which is something I really like. But the disappointment, again from a German standpoint, can then come from trying to follow up on that initial friendliness and openness and assuming that you will just as easily become an American's close friend as they became an enjoyable acquaintance to you. If that makes any sense 😉
Also, it can happen that a German misreads an American and think they are friends and is then completely disappointed when they don't do the things you expect from a friend.
The "all day commitment" seems very strange to me and I'm german. My thought is that its not that common to meet very early. Usually you hang out with friends only in the late afternoon or evening. I'm just 27 but i also can't remember my parents hanging out with somebody just in the afternoon. The only typical occasions i know are: An invitation for lunch (starting between 12 and 2pm) - if you are in a restaurant you leave or drink a liquor/coffee after; if you have someone at your place its common that you have a coffee after but usually you would leave way before the dinner (maybe between 4 and 5pm). An invitation for coffee and cake starts in the afternoon (around 4pm) but usually you would also leave before dinner. Here its more common to ask if you wan't to stay for dinner. If you're having a good time, you stay and yeah then it can get late with several drinks and stuff. But if you have something planned, are tired or prefer to eat at home its not rude to say no. I would be very confused too if i agreed to come over for a coffee and the person expects me to have a walk with them or EXPECTS you stay for dinner (like i said, the offer itself is very common). Maybe meetings with couples have other rules, idk.
We tend to compare other's reality to our own ideals - rather than to our own realities. Love the insight to Germany, you give me. Thanks. Peace and love
For the birthday question: For me the host of any party provides the place and food and the guests bring something along. like more food, snacks, drinks etc.I as a host would feel weird inviting someone with the unspoken implication that i expect them to pay for me as i was the person who they already give their time and in the case of a birthday of course presents too.(for a casual get together usually everyone pays for their own stuff with few exceptions like"next coffee/drink/whatever is on me" but that follows a complicated set of unspoken rules i cannot explain) But it's not uncommon that the host asks the guests something like: "can someone bring a crate of soft drinks or beer or wine or whatever since one person of course cannot pay for everything.
So in german we use the same word for inviting and treating and that reflects on who will probably pay. If you invite somebody for something it‘s highly likely that you are going to pay. Same with the birthday. You are the host, you know how many people are invited and how much stuff to get, so you‘re doing that.
I mean, if you throw a party for your birthday, you would also buy the drinks and snacks, so going to a restaurant is just a party outside. My friends and I don't usually have parties or big get togethers, being mostly introverts and having to celebrate with family, but in lieu of a gift, we invite each other to dinner. (Small group of friends, so three times a year we have a dinner party.) But we say that out loud, we invite the birthday kid to dinner and they can choose the restaurant. About work: I don't expect others to remember my birthday, and this way no one gets excluded. If I have a special colleague I might invite them to a fancy lunch privately, but you know there would have to be that one warmhearted person in every office to organise the cake etc. And who is included in the circle in a big company? This way I bring a few small cakes or muffins and everyone can have them in the lunchroom in whichever way they please, with me, or grumpily on their own if they hate me...
The "all day commitment" is only valid at home. If you enjoy it you like to stay, hence, if you leave you don't like it. If you see a problem coming you make it "until" upfront, no matter if you are host or guest. You don't do binch drinking, but you go home when you are drunk, this maybe 8hours later. Another way is to meet in a restaurant, usually after dining and having a few drinks, party is over and people leave. That's also a difference to US you pointed out in another video, about (not) leaving restaurant after finished eating.
You pay the meals on your birthday in germany because in exchange you get presents so you don't burden your friends with more costs as they also already had travel cost and took the time to come.
The birthday thing. And also other invitation in general. If you Invite guests it is your responsibility to provide for them. If you can't afford it just tell them and ask if they would like to contribute. Thats after all why guests bringing small gifts is mostly expected. You exchange tokens of appreciation.
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I was really surprised when I suddenly saw my avatar/username on screen with a 3 year old post :)
Good video!
i love the German bread personification. Its so accurate German
I do see the appeal in actually being gifted your birthday meal and on some levels that is definitly more logical and ofcourse nice :)
But what I see as well is the draw backs of it becoming complicated socially... I see dread involved with thinking "did they remember my birthday" or "I am Vegan did they consider that" or "do they even know what I like".
Also having to prepare or buy food for a group of people once a year seems way less of a hassle then buying for all of your friends on their birthdays^^
So feeling the thoughtfulness of someone going through the trouble and making some food for you or just gifting you a meal at a restaurant :) really nice... but just having the food prepared yourself you can make sure it is what you look for and can then share your taste with others :)
Vielleicht sollte man unterscheiden, wie man einen Freund definiert. Jemanden irgendwo kennenlernen und sich gut mit ihm verstehen macht noch lange keine Freundschaft aus. Das ist einfach zu oberflächlich. Genau, die meisten sind Bekannte, können aber Freunde werden.
Dieses "so" ist nicht dein Ernst? Das sagt sicher nicht jeder Deutscher
A British person who is living in Germany stated:
"Britains are too polite to be honest.
Germans are too honest to be polite."
This statement pretty much hits the nail on the head.
i guess, it was benikon from a brit in german... 🙂
It is true, in a sad way. I live in the anglo world and I feel I really can t know what an Anglo means because they chose to be polite. Germans can be honest to the point of being brutal. That is the biggest culture clash. I prefer my honest countrymen.
@@susanneostermann6956 That bonmot is way older than youtube :))
So true.
@Andreas: being polite it always a way of showing respect in social interaction: Being honest and not beating around the bush is also a way of showing respect from a German point of view.
My definition of a friend is someone I can wake up at 3 am and talk about a problem without feeling weird and who can do the same with me. I think that is a definition most of us here in Germany can agree on.
A friend is someone who will turn up when I move to help. A good friend is someone who will rise at 4 o clock in the morning to bring me to the airport. And naturally the other way around.
I guess I don't have friends then.
@@XX-bn9sf That is sad. Friends enrich you life.
@@XX-bn9sf That makes two of us. ;)
That is THE definition of friendship. In Germany a friend is usually for life. Someone who you can call at 3 a.m. because your wife left you and he will come and comfort you. Someone who will come to another country to get you home when you are in trouble. Such a person is "my friend" ("mein Freund"). All others are only considered coworkers, acquaintances or at most "ein guter Freund von mir" (one of my "good friends").
Giving to friends and family on your birthday is saying "Thank you for being in my life and supporting me to have it made this far."
It is not a celebration of the person itself, but the life they led.
About the birthday thing... My Mom always explained it like this: We lead a good life that we should be grateful for. So paying for everybody's meal or baking for coworkers is a direct expression of our thankfulness.
BTW it's not a competition. Whatever you decide to do to celebrate your birthday will be accepted.
It's really about showing gratitude to others for being around, answering your questions, being helpful to you, listening to you, sharing information and jokes with you, coping with your quirks and your habits, reassuring the ones you had a dispute with that you don't hold a grudge and that everything's ok.
Plus, it is way more practical if the one whose birthday is brings something than everyone else bringing something to someone elses birthday.
That makes sense when it comes to inviting people in general, but why does it have to be on the one day that celebrates our birth and continuous existence? Isn't it more logical to let people partake in our good fortune by celebrating them on their birthday, or by doing it, say, on Thanksgiving or some such date?
@@daarianaharis But shouldn't the one whose birthday it is decide how he or she wants to spend the day? Maybe someone isn't in the mood for a big party but is then forced to pretend that it is a happy surprise nevertheless. I have done all kind of stuff on my birthday, an it was only occasionally a party.
@@daarianaharis Because we love to celebrate stuff. More Birthdays = More dates of celebration. Easy german logic 😆
After such a long time in Germany, I have acceded to the German way of doing birthdays. It is not really a burden, but it is completely counter-intuitive for an American. Germans can be stark realists, and their birthday celebrations reflect this: I want you to come and be with me on my birthday, so I have to offer you something nice to facilitate your celebrating my existence. That's one way of looking at it, and the celebrations are almost always very nice for all those involved. On the other, American, side, we see ourselves as entitled to the time and celebration of others. Evidently we are quite confident that we deserve the attention and celebration of the people in our lives. When I think of it that way, then I realize that maybe expecting that much from my surrounding community is why birthdays in the U.S. can often go by unnoticed or result in loneliness and disappointment. So if I want a celebration, I bring the cake.
usually friends and guests are wellcome when they bring something too like a salat for the bbq or a small cake of there own to share so everybody brings something and its a real celebration together
thanks. you made it so clear.
It ensures that you have the things you like to eat on your birthday ;)
Also usually the birthday person will get presents, at least from close friends. So it isn’t totally one-sided and offering food and drinks is just the birthday person‘s way of showing gratitude.
@@hypatian9093 😀
If I pay for the food of ten friends once a year, it's the same as paying for one meal ten times a year...
Also, I tend to invite them over and prepare the meal myself, so it would be kinda silly for them to pay... 😅
And it provides another way of showing friendship:
Good friends come to celebrate with you, the bestest friends come again the next morning to tidy up and help with the dishes.
Plus if I do the party and cook and bake there is only stuff I like.
Like I only invite friends not just Bekannte or friends of friends.
And for the work: my birthday is on a holiday and most time all forget to congratulate day(s) after.
But when I arrive with a cake, it reminds them.
I think bringing your birthday cake yourself at work very much explains how Germans experience frindship: Your colleagues are usually mere acquaintances. Not friends. You spend a lot of time together, but not voluntarily, and if you're lucky, you get along. So if you want to celebrate, it is you who have to care for everything, you who invite everyone, as you cannot demand that people who don't have much of a connection with you, DO organise (i.e. pay by THEIR money and time) anything. Bringing your own cake is simpler and doesn't result in potential disappointment. There are, however, two exceptions when money is collected and gifts are organised at work: when colleagues become parents or if somebody is leaving (on good terms, obviously).
That's pretty much the standard in the UK too. At work, you would bring something for your office/team when it's your own birthday (cake or doughnuts or something), and then you'll all enjoy them on your tea break. But in other situations with your friends/family, or if after work you go to the pub with some colleagues before you all go home, in that case the other people will normally buy drinks for the birthday person rather than the other way round. The work situation is kind of a reversal of the normal rule.
Thats the difference with Germans and Americans. Who says people are just mere acquitances? Most of my coworkers are my best friends. We drink (alot), we camp together, we celebrate Thanksgiving (a week early) together, we celebrate Christmas (a week early) together, we celebrate Easter (a week early) together, and we go and party on July 4th.
Also no our friendship isn't superficial. It's a deep relationship. We would do anything for each other.
In Denmark: same thing. And the USAns don't get it. Either. But they get used to it.
@@jandamskier6510 USANs sounds absolutely ridiculous. Use people from the US.
I try to explain that:
When you invite a friend to your birthday, then you value him. And you invite them to say to him "Thanks, that you are my friend."
👍
Imagine, being at work at your birthday and nobody wants to get a cake for you. Bringing a birthday cake yourself solves this issue.
When I invite friend to an restaurant and pay for it, I don't have to worry if they could afford it. So I can choose my favorit place without thinking.
And It's a sneaky way to tell other people that it's your birthday without really telling them. And a way to avoid the akward situation when someone eventually finds out it's your birthday after spending several hours with you and you beeing to reserved or shy to just tell them.
Thanks for the challenge to reflect our culture and habits! Re the issue of invitations my answer as a German would be: When I invite guests it is my privilege that they are willing to spend time with me and my friends. They are bringing themselves and I am bringing the food.
I think in Germany celebrating your birthday is kinda like an exchange. You invite people, organize everything and pay for the party. In exchange people get you a gift. So you do something for them and they get you something in return.
Or you can go the silent road and don't celebrate your birthday. Then it's also not expected to get gifts.
(But I have to say it's hard to not celebrate, cause family or friends sometimes insist.)
I‘m German and have been pretty succesful with avoiding having to celebrate my own birthday. It‘s just so much work and I simply don‘t think I deserve so attention just for being alive. So I just keep it down and tell everyone I don’t celebrate.
And you are invited the other birthdays throughout the year
That's the way kid birthday parties are. The parents of the birthday kid buy the cake and lunch. Nowadays parents are going over the top and renting an entire kitchen to teach kids how to cook for their kids birthday. My 4 yr old was invited to this kind of party. I looked up the price and it was $1,000. The $1,000 includes the material that the kids cook, pots, pans, staff, and a cake. The kid didn't get a $1,000 worth of presents. She probably got more like $100.
My Danish family have this simple rule: No party = No gifts. And I think that's the general rule.
Also, if invited to, say a wedding: How much are you going to spend on a gift. General rule: As much as they spend on hosting you! Small private garden party, you bring lovely, nice gifts. Huge fancy expensive wedding you bring fancy, expensive gifts.
@@romysa.74656bei einer Geburtstagsfeier feierst Du doch nicht, dass Du am Leben bist. Das ist eine Gelegenheit Freunde und Familie einzuladen und einen schönen Tag zu verbringen.
When inviting friends to my birthday, the German way means: "Okay, I will throw a party for you and organize everything. You might bring along gifts - but the most important thing is: You bring along yourselves, your time, your affection, your attention. Time and affection; soo soo precious! By doing so you will make me feel like a King/Queen. And for you doing so, I will give my best to fill the time and attention (you gifted me with) with a lot of hospitality. Including yummy food and a lot of fun!
Very well explained!!!!
"I celebrate my birthday" or "Ich feier meinen Geburtstag" already states very clearly who does the celebrating 😉 (grammatical approach) And very often people get invited over for your birthday and then yes, it's quite clear that they organise everything. Depending on the age (and also income) sometimes people (usually good friends) might help out with a salad or dessert or you can bring sth to drink but you would certainly check with the birthday person what they want/need and how you can help. And if they say refuse your offer? They mean it 😉! Enjoy the party 🎉
It is also totally okay to say yes and to organize a "everyone brings something" party to your birthday (or any other occosation), especially if you yourself are not THAT well off.
@swanpride Totally! That's why I said "on the income" as well. Also depends on the size of the party etc. It's flexible. But usually that would be communicated - and as a German you wouldn't expect it as a rule to be treated on your birthday.
The "every guest brings something" approach works especially well if you invite your friends over for a BBQ party. So you'll get the BBQ stuff, while other friends might bring salads, bread rolls, self-made sauces and dips like tsaziki or snacks and drinks.
In Sweden we celebrate birthdays the same ways as in Germany.
I'm German, i consider each and every one of my friends still a friend, even if we haven't seen each other for 20 years.
Oh and the birthday thing is just German efficiency, if you make a cake every time someone has a birthday the person making the best cakes ends up baking like 20 a year, if you bring cake at your own birthday, everyone just bakes one. You also don't embarrass people who forgot your birthday.
Your friends make your life, hopefully, happy, interesting and worthwhile. As you are glad to have them, your birthday is just as much an occasion to celebrate them, hence you treat them.
it is your birthday, and you invited your friends, so you decide where to eat and so also how expansiv the meal will be. For a german it is rude to think, you would invite them to a expensiv restaurant and expect the others will pay for you. Maybe there are friends that can´t afford a pricy meal, and would be forced to reject your invite, because of that. In the other way it is no problem to say I like to eat with you, and only the drinks goes on me.
Love this!
Most of my friends are from abroad, being in my mid 50's makes it extremely tough for me to find friends, especially in Germany.
As a German myself.
On birthdays- that's the reason why many Germans do not celebrate their birthdays....
Like I do.
Little story:
I remember sitting in a restaurant with my mom for her birthday with a handful of friends. Outside we saw a Mexican colleague walk by and we invited him to join in. When he realised that it was my mom's birthday, he immediately paid the bill for everyone! It was natural for him. And we had the absolute uncomfortable feeling, that we just invited him in to pay for my mom's birthday. Thankfully enough to our german directness we told him about our confusion an he repeated with a gracious smile "oh no, no, no. It is my pleasure".
See, that is a real culture clash. The problem is that the Mexican may go home not really being happy that he paid and you guys will feel embarrassed for a long time.
I have been in similar situations and still dont know how to deal with it. Germans are so much easier to be around.
@@gulliverthegullible6667
We just wanted him to join. He was alone in a foreign city and we had a splendid time. I was ready to pay for him as well. But his card flew to the waiter when the bill was due to pay.
I could never thank him enough.
Sadly he passed away half a year later.
Maybe that's why I remember him. Being so gracious and making my mom happy. She had the most happy smile for days
@@deliatedeschi I am sure that he was delighted to have been invited to join you and wanted to make your mum happy by paying as a surprise. The gesture might seem flamboyant to Germans, but I bet he was so happy to have been included by your friendly spontaneous invitation to join you.
@@gulliverthegullible6667nah, german friendship mentality has it's obvious downsides. If you move to a new city it is very hard to get social contacts. And if you made friends, it comes with bigger expectations. I for example love having a lot of friends, but usually they expect you to spend time very regularly together, so it gets very exhausting after a while. There is less of a 'we like each other when we meet but only see each other from time to time' friendship here.
@@NeurosenkavalierEmilSinclair it is completely legit that you feel that way. I think this is a question of both culture and personality. I prefer to have a small circle of close friends. I have often had the problem of finding new friends in new places but managed to do so. Now I live in Australia where people are more of this distant type as you describe and I don't like it. I feel I don't have any real friends here apart from my wife atm.
As someone who is (even for german standards) brutally direct at times, I personally really hate it when people beat around the bush in many situations. It makes me think that they don't actually want to hang out, do a certain activity or even spend time with me rather than just them being nice.
For me (not from Germany, but grew up here from the early teens) the birthday thing was kinda sorta a surprise, but it made immediately sense. My understanding of this was like this: If you invite people to your birthday party, you also are expected to provide everyone with, well, the party. If you "cheap out" and make it easy on yourself by just taking them to a place to eat/drink, you are at least expected to provide the food/drinks, like if you were hosting a party.
My first visit to a birthday in a place was as the entire friend circle consisted of poor students, so it was also a financial factor for me, it literally allowed me to stay there for long enough and not just trying to stretch 2 beers over an entire evening. The host actually provided an explanation of what he would cover, and what not - it was in a Kneipe, so he told us that the drinks were on him and he didn't plan for food. On another birthday, where the host was significantly poorer, he actually told us in the invitation that the first round on drink was on him (and after that everyone was on their own). It always felt "fair" to me, since the guests provide birthday gifts, and in my experience they were kinda sorta the same financial value as what one would pay for an evening spent at the event.
Considering bringing a cake to work: from how I understand it, it is actually more of a case of just… letting your co-workers partake in the joy of your birthday. The cake is (in my experience) usually a by-product of the general private birthday celebration, it may be baked along with the other birthday cakes or may actually be left-overs of the main cake (sometimes set aside purposely). In a friendly workspace the colleagues on the other hand are expected to provide a gift for the birthday kid, usually after collecting 5-10€ per person beforehand and always keeping it secret from the them even if everybody knows that it will be done. I feel it just a part of the general culture to show you colleagues about them by letting them partake in positive events in your life. I have seen colleagues bringing cake or similar to work after birthdays, weddings, and, half obligatory, after getting the job (I feel it is kinda sorta a signal that you are the sort of person who would bring cake to work, a way to introduce yourself as a friendly person who is interested in being a part of the team and not just someone keeping to themselves, and often also a way to tell something about you) and before leaving a team. These are also all events when the team is kinda-expected to provide a gift (except getting the job, except the team is unbelievably friendly, I personally would automatically think to myself that it feels kinda like a part of American corporate culture). I also consider it interesting that this also always an occasion for people from other cultures or heritages to show off their culture by bringing their "ethnic" foods, and this is an occasion where even more… hidebound Germans show themselves interested in participating in foreign rituals, at least trying it once (the colleagues of a relative of mine literally begged him to bring some vodka and show how to drink it in a "Russian" way).
As a disclaimer I have to say that all of this absolutely depends on thousands of factors and may vary even from person to person in the same circle, at my last workplace some colleagues always brought stuff to work for every occasion and sometimes without any ("It would spoil otherwise" would be more than enough as reason), and some did never. Obviously, first ones were considered friendlier and people felt more obligated to provide something in return to them. I cannot shake off the feeling, that the core of the "cake-to-work-culture" is basically to signal "I am willing and ready to participate in the gift-exchanging game an also I like y'all"
For me it makes no sense that party guests have to pay for their own food. After all it´s an invitation and the birthday child wants you to be there. It´s not that the guests invited themselves or whatever.
And if you can´t afford to celebrate your birthday at a restaurant, then stay at home and make the food yourself. No one will judge you if you can´t throw an expensive birthday party. Sometimes your guests will even ask if they can bring sth, like a salad or sth. 🙂
i have friends i havent seen often in the last 10 years but even if there are like 2 years in beetwen we can still go one with the conversation we had than
I am a Brit living in Germany for over 30 years. I think the German Birthday thingy is a way of thanking your friends and acquaintances for being there, for you. At work we usually bring mettbrötchen and have a 'breakfast'. It can get expensive, maybe that is why you keep the numbers of friends low? :-)
Nö,...wir haben oft wenige Freunde damit wir uns i🎉ntensiv um einzelne kümmern zu können.
A friend for a German is (minimum) they know your house und you invite them for your birthday. In the "good" version, he is helping you renovate the house or moving, or is bringing you medicine if you are sick. That's a friend. There are a lot of nuances in English language too, like, buddy, pal, mate, ally, neighbor, but "friend" seems to be more the generic term, instead of mutual exclusive to others. The only time I heared the term aquaintance in english was in "Should Old Acquaintance be forgot ..." , thought that's rather medieval language.
This! If you help somebody move houses and get groceries/medicine for them when they are sick and are invited to their home, and they’d do the same for you, you are friends.
I always assumed that the birthday person hosting and paying for the birthday event to be a kind of reciprocity, as a thank-you for birthday gifts and for hanging out
Germans usually call acquaintance what Americans call "best friends."
As an American-German who grew up in Germany, I can confirm that this different understanding of the term "friend" vs "Freund" is very accurate. Since I tend to be shy when first meeting people, I can get frustrated with my fellow Germans hard shell. But at the same time I appreciate their loyalty once you do get beyond that. On the other hand I find it refreshing to get aquatinted with friends in the US faster, but frustrated when it doesn't progress like I might hope. I am glad to say I eventually found "deeper friends" in both places so I guess it all works out in the end if you put in the time :)
It makes more sense to visit someone for longer than 2 hours because you're more comfortable with your friends and it's more relaxing ...
I'm german but i never had the situation somebody planned the whole day with me when we agreed to have a coffee in the afternoon 😅 So yeah, maybe its more common to meet for more than two hours here but what they experienced seems a little extreme 😂😂
If we invite friends/family to a ... let's say: birthday event ... in our house, we provide the food and the drinks.
Why should that be different if we decide to invite them to a restaurant instead?
So upfront one fundamental decision to be made is whether we would like to invest work and time preparing the meal (-> dinner at home), or whether we prefer to invest money in order to pay someone to do that kind of work (-> dinner at restaurant)
About the paying for the meal thing: As a guest I definitely wouldn´t count on the birthday person paying everything and I would hundred percent bring money, however it is very common for the person to pay and most of the time they at least pay one round of drinks or something like that. I guess that also differs on if everybody is earning money. For example I´m in university and most of my friends are too. I don´t think it´s expected to save months worth of money to pay there.
okay, here is a theory: usually, you would bring a present to the birthday girl or boy ... so if she or he serves you food and drinks or invites you to a restaurant it is leveled out between the cost of the present and the bill of the dinner. At least I think this way ... and I might adjust the amount I spend for the present accordingly to the activity the birthday girl or boy is planning to do with his friends.
I Think the Birthday-Thing comes down to this: when it's your birthday and you invite your friends to a party or dinner, the expectation is, that they will bring you a gift. So in return your gift as the birthday-person is to pay for the party or the dinner.
I think it's even commen to consider the potential cost for the birthday person when buying a present for them, meaning if you're invite just for coffee and cacke at their place you would buy a smaller gift but if you're invited to dinner in a restaurant you would feel obligated to buy a bigger gift to kind of 'match' the higher cost the birthday person will have.
I think that it is an honor to have YOU as a guest for my birthday party because you help me having one of the best birthdays ever and feeling celebrated and appreciated. So certainly I would pay!
Birthday: our view: I am glad to live, I am glad to have you as my friends, and I want to share my joy with you!
I think a lot of things come together when it comes to the birth day tradition.
The Usual way of celebrating your Birthday is to invite your friends to your house, and it just seems "natural" that the host is the person that provides foods and drink and everything, sicne, well it is their home. Friends often then ask, if they can bring something, an opportuntyi to outsource some of the work to others, but in general, the host is in carhge of the menu and such.
Celebrating in a restaurant does happen, but since this is intead of the invitation home, where the host would have had all the work with makind the food, the logical extension is that they pay the resaurant bill.
It is also not uncommon to actually gift fancy restaurant invites to friends, and then of course the Birthday-person would not pay, but all the gifters would split the bill between them.
I can (maybe) explain the birthday thing: It is your birthday so you decide who you want to spend the day with, meaning you will invite them - not the other way round. As a rule of thumb the one who invites other people is the one who pays. Imagine walking up to a friend and tell that person: hey, I invite you to go to place XYZ, but you are paying. That would be strange, right?
regarding the birthday thing:
the way i see it is that the materiel benefits of the birthday (cake, gifts,...) arent the point. the point to celebrating with your friends is celebrating your friendship and to a certain extent just the friends themselves. you are throwing a party not so that at the end of the day you will have a positive balance of materiel posessions but rather to have a great time with your friends. and as the organizer and centre of the event you provide the required things (location, food,...). you are enabling your friends to have a great time with you, all they need to provide is said great time
Yeah, i agree to the metaphor of Peach and coconut. It's quite accurate. On behalf of the birthday, i think it's like this: you invite people you like, call them friends, or even love them like kinda family, though you aren't related. Since you know you can't make up for it spending their lifetime with you, you can at least pay their meal. There is nothing more valuable than your lifetime.
You answered the birthday thing in the segment before. An invitation means that the one inviting gets to choose location and activity, hence they'll pay for it. An invitation is a sign of gratification, of saying thank you, hence it's impolite to take over that event. Eventhough we get mocked by some foreigners for our lack of hospitality when it comes to random visits (e.g. the school friend that dropped by spontaneously not being planned in for a meal and hence not receiving any food), we take hospitality very serious, however that is when we actively invite you as a guest. Hence also the planning the whole day, as if you are willing to accept our invitation and spend your time with us, we feel obligated to have something to offer for you and take care of your needs. It's a matter of pride for us.
That birthday thing is interesting. When you are invited to a German birthday never forget to bring a gift, even if it’s just a bottle of wine or something. It is considered very impolite to come without a gift, because you get everything you eat and drink for free . The closer friend you are, the more is expected that the gift is well thought over to make your friend happy. It also is O.K. to ask, if there are any wishes when you don’t have a good idea or some people put money together to buy something very special and expensive.
Inviting everyone on your birthday and pay is a way to show how much you value and like/ love them. You're a treasured friend thus you're invited and payed for. So fighting them to pay for the meal is like a slap in their face like "But why can I not show you how much I appreciate you as a friend?"
It has been known that friends invite the birthday girl/ boy to a meal but that is usually said so in advance or with students it may be that they will only pay the drinks or everyone pays their part but the birthday person brings the cake. So if in doubt, simply ask. : D
Concerning Birthday at work: i rather bring in some snacks or sweets once a year than 60 times a year. And: very few at my workplace know when my birthday is, and i know very few birthdays of my colleagues. It would be very awkward to feel obligated to know every birthday and bring something in every time, the risk to forget someone is high, there would be sooo many implications about such a "rule" for me, it would stress me out if i had to consider such social stuff on my workplace. That's besides the general not desireable mixing up of professional life and personal social life, which i consider mainly private.
Very funny video 😂
Here goes: I am German, and so are many of my friends, right now I am staying at my Dad's house to take care of him and some of my oldest friends (age-wise AND for how long we have known each other ... the one friend I have known for 53 years, the other for 58 years - as I said we are old 😂) and we spend time together, usually I go to their places, and we will usually say: let's have breakfast together, but I have to leave at noon, or one will say I have to kick you out at noon, as I have another engagement the same day or somebody else coming. Or we meet for dinner at a restaurant and then of course we might leave each one to our own places or one will say, come on we are having fun let's go to our place for another hour or so. Or - in rare cases - as it happened to me just Tuesday we met for breakfast, none of us had other plans, except for me, for a meeting I had to take at 1 pm for an hour, where I needed to leave, my friends asked me to come back after the meeting to discuss what happened there and on my way back I went grocery shopping real quick and then told my friend I was going to cook for us (at her place), as she had already done the breakfast. And then I actually ended up staying until 7 pm. But I would usually say many times in between: I really don't want to take up your whole day ... and when the other person tells you: no, it's fine, I like you to stay for as long as you like ... Then you know it's ok, but we usually have regular check-ins if it's still ok. So it has happened to me rarely that I was expected to stay so long or other people stayed too long. In true German manner you can also (half-jokingly) say: So, jetzt muss ich Euch rauswerfen, ich muss morgen früh raus - or something similar, or you make that clear before you extend the invitation.
It has happened - rarely - that somebody would say: Oh no, please stay for dinner, but if I really couldn't I would usually say: I am so sorry, it's been so much fun and I truly enjoyed our visit, but I really have to go, and the hosts will accept that - of course asking me two or three times if I really can't stay, but this is out of politeness. Same way you offer more food, cake or drinks to your guests even when the have already declined 😉
But these are all polite gestures. So never feel awkward or bad when accepting an invitation to let your hosts know you need to leave at a certain time or even when you are there, letting them know how much fun it was, but unfortunately you need to leave. Expect them to try to convince you, but politely decline, maybe offering to meet again some other day to continue the delightful conversations, etc.
Germans can take a no, but of course - as politeness dictates - will ask you to stay longer, eat some more, drink some more ... but if you make clear how enjoyable everything was but you REALLY can't eat/drink/stay some more, they will accept it.
As to why we invite our friends for birthday instead of of the other way around? I have no clue. When I lived in the US I was usually invited on my birthday, as you said is the case in the US. Funny enough I never asked why. I accepted it as a custom and that was it. And back in Germany I continued the German way. I guess some things I just don't question and accept them as they are 😊 Though I have to say it was very special to me when my boss (in the US) grabbed me on my birthday and said: leave everything I have a day planned for us. Just to make it clear, my boss was female. She invited me for lunch, with the whole team, then her and me went to a matinee off broadway (I worked in NYC), then we went for happy hour and dinner and a movie, followed by a bar visit where the team and other colleagues joined us again. That WAS a fun day ❤
o yes, we just love sharing our life with our friends.
Regarding the birthday: Glück ist das einzige das sich verdoppelt, wenn man es teilt.
If I pay on my birthday it just because I am happy to have friends who staid with me for another year :D it also really helps with, who to invited. Everyone understand if one isn't invited, since having to many people gets expensive fast. (Very helpful on kids birthdays, since you dont have to invite a whole class)
With that said, younger people often split the bill and/or the birthday person gives just one round of drinks, since money is much more tight when you are young.
About the payment on birthdays the keyword here is *invite* . if i say: "i would like it if we go out to to celebrate my birtday" it is me who invites the other and who ever invites is the one who pays.
if it just your ordinary eating out the question would be more like:" We could go to xx" or something similiar. Phrasing maters a lot in these cases.
Donnie, so funny that last part when you mention using a random item for a bottle opener.Our neighbor here in the U.S. is German and when he and my German husband get together in the garage or front yard, they each use the most random things to open their beer. A tool, a shelf edge in the garage, whatever is handy. An amusing cultural difference!
A friend drives 150km at 4am in the morning and will pick me up when I call him! There is no friend underneath.
You throw the party, you pay for food and drinks. Guests usually bring gifts. That is their contribution.
So the basic ruling is: it is an invitation. In germany if you are invited to something it is common for the host to pay except if they announce beforehand that they dont pay.
Birthday cake for colleagues: I think i is done that way to socialize. Especially at work, not me/ I am important, we all together are important
As to the birthday meal/birthday cake: in my experience, usually friends, family and even colleagues give gifts or flowers etc. to the person having the birthday. So, to prepare or pay for a meal for them and to bake a cake or two a day in advance does rather seem like a minor repay of sorts… And, as long as everybody does this, it will even out over the course of the year and eventually be the same…
My best explanation is, that you are happy on your birthday and giving out cake and inviting friends to a restaurant is your way of showing and - more importantly - sharing that happiness with others.
If you actually enjoy baking, it is quite fun to do so, but if you don't, it's quite the bother and people tend to buy cake at Konditorei.
Also, if you have to set aside money to be able to invite friends for birthday that's quite the bother! And I would never expect my friends to do that.
Overall, I have to say that the American seems to be the better one for this time. :)
BTW, in my friend group, usually the person who enjoys baking the most just bakes a cake; and everyone chips in for one big present, with everyone giving what they can afford.
Plus, it is nicer to not put pressure on your friends to do something for you. If you organise the basic yourself, they get to decide if they want to turn up with a cake or a present, which makes it so much more meaningful, because what they give is volontary.
When it is your birthday it is up to you if you want to invite everybody in to a restaurant or if you want to celebtate in your home and you can ask your friends to add to the meal. It is also common to ask a friend who is known for his delizious spätzle making skills to help you with it, for example. Or the greek salad… you get the point.
As a german... organizing your own birthday party or inviting friends to go out for a dinner is just the most efficient way to really have just your real friends on "your day" with you. If someone else organizes it, you end up with people you might not would have invited. And from the financial standpoint....besides that it even outs among friends, if one can not afford a dinner at a restaurant one will probably do it at home and anyone invited will ask what to bring (because really nobody wants to spent a party with just potatoe salad). And if one can not even buy the drinks, real friends will bring them too. One is just the organizer, nothing more.
For celebrating my birthday as a german I'm used to having coffee and cake with my extended family (which usually lasts to wine and salty snacks/sandwiches in the evening when more people come in after work) and having a party with my friends separately. When I was very pressed for money I did ask for my friends if they would be fine to bring all the food and drinks instead of presents or we would go to the restaurant and they would split my part. I'm talking about three friends plus their +1. And yes, they also brought presents 😅
That birthday thing might be a regional one. I live in the very south east and it is not common here for the "birthday child" to pay for everyone when going somewhere. He or she may bring a cake to work, thats common. But treating everyone to dinner doesnt happen here. The guests will probably even pay for a few shots
Really? It is definitely a think here in Austria, but not really for people younger than 40 or 50 I would say as they usually don't have enough disposable income. But I have definitely been treated to meals by older family members on their birthday.
@@j.a.1721 When I was too young to work my parents would treat me, not the person whose birthday it is. But maybe it doesnt only depend on the region but also on someone's personal bubble🤔
Sehr gut erklärt! Gutes Video!
10:25 😂 I love that scene with Aubrey German confused neighbour :-) ❤
The birthday thing is rather simple, I think: You ONLY do these things (paying for the meal, bring a cake to the office) because those are occasions where you are considered to be the HOST. Like, you wouldn’t expect people to bring food when you are inviting them to your home. You‘re the host, you provide the food - and ONLY the food, mind! Because your birthday guests will give you gifts, right? It’s absolutely possible that a restaurant invitation IS the gift - but that would be communicated as such in advance and in this case it’s clear the birthday kid isn’t the HOST. Hope this helps, it’s how I try to make sense of it. 😉
ya`ll did great, its almost exactly what i know growing up here. great job! ^^
justification for the birthday expence : i would be grateful for everybody who showed up, celebrating my puny existance.. so i am inclined to "bribe" everybode for beeing her with me, by paing for their "losses" in paying up. if that akes sence...
For me, a friend is some who is close enough to me that I would trust him enough to be a godparent to my children.
Hi, I am German and I don't see it as a burden to organize my birthday celebration because if I do it, it will be how I like it and I can share what makes me happy with my friends, family and coworkers. Plus as you said we can be pretty direct about what we want and often have good friends from our childhood who might not be as well of as we are ourselves. So what if a restaurant is picked that they can't effort? I much rather make it clear. If I invite you, I choose the place and I pay. And so everybody can be included and nobody is put in a though spot. Plus if you yourself don't have enough money for that, it is totally fine to let your friends know beforehand that you will be paying for the food and they have to pay for their drinks (normally the more expensive and more unpredictable part, 'cause birthday dinners tend to be on the longer side) themselves.
Or you can celebrate your birthday by inviting your friends to your home or a park and everybody brings some food to share. That happens a lot in my circle of friends, because a lot of them have small kids and if you celebrate like this it's much easier to bring them along.
And it is not so that the birthday boy or girl gets nothing. Don't forget the presents. That part is often organised by a friend or family member. In my experience the older you get the more common it is to get one present from all of your guests together. Even some workplaces have a pot where you collect money to get your coworker a little gift.
in german "was geht?"
or "wie denn?" wich are more or less literal translations of "how are you" mean just hi too.
From my experience we usually still answer with how we are but not as deep or "honest" depending on the situation.
In Deutschland zahlt derjenige, der die Einladung ausspricht. Wenn die Gäste zahlen wollen, dann ist das eher eine Beleidigung, oder aber, man hat sich im Vorfeld darauf geeinigt.
I am still a student and I am studying education, which does not give you a lot of money, so my friendship circle usually shares the birthday bills. So that it's not overly expensive
Have you ever been out with friends and you were very happy and enjoying the moment that you decided to treat them? Well the same goes for a birthday
11:00 In my experience it depends. If the invitation is for a certain event, I would expect it to take longer. If it‘s for a specific time of the day it may take longer or it‘s just for one or two hours. But even if it‘s relatively short, Germans would prepare for it taking longer. So even if you invited for a „Nachmittag mit Kaffe und Kuchen“, a German host would be also offer „Abendbrot“ if the friends stay long enough until it‘s evening. If a German invites for a „Grillnachmittag“ often Family with kids will leave early in the evening but the hard core of friends probably will stay until after midnight. Also an invitation to an „Abendessen“ is often considered to be open end but a Lunch invitation is over after the coffee you drink after your meal (most of the time).
15:47 The birthday thing is probably more kind of if you want to party, you‘ll pay for it. Because Germans don‘t have that much really close friends it can be a very small crowd. With the hundreds of friends and therefore potential birthday guests that would rather be expensive. That‘s why Germans most of the time are not celebrating their birthday with all their friends, maybe just with the family and a few close friends and tend to give bigger parties for friends, family and colleagues at round birthdays or jubilees.
Exactly what i thought. The invitation "if you like to, we would be glad if you stay for dinner" is pretty common bug if i agreed to come over for a coffee and the host has already prepared dinner (maybe a more complex or expensive one) and expects me to stay i would feel very uncomfortable.
I guess in the story he told there was a misunderatanding of what they wanted to do in the first place 😂
On the birthday topic: you as the person whose birthday it is invited the others and planed the celebration, so the entire thing is your responsibility. Also you chose where to go and therefore how much money to spend. If you had your guests pay for it, you would pass them a bill for something they never chose to buy and would maybe considder to expensive. On the issue of cake I think it is mostly about choosing the type of cake you want on your birthday yourself (and discussing these things with your guests beforehand is considdered bad luck, though most people do it anyway...). If it is not at the office it also is not uncommon for guests to also bring cake, but only if the person whose birthday it is asked for it and they always also provide some cake themselves.
Well... It actually has to do with our celebration culture. And that's not limited to the private among friends. In fact, it's very common for people to spend one. It's the same at work. It is quite common that when you start a new job in a company, you work out for your colleagues. That's called a debut. The same also happens (especially after a few years) when you leave a company as an employee. That's called a walkout. It may also be possible for you to issue a strike if you change departments within the company. But that usually happens in larger companies, where you just don't meet that often anymore. It is then in the context of a birthday, to donate your colleagues a breakfast...
Very interesting topic! Its interesting and funny how two cultures can have almost the same word for something abstract like friendship while also interpreting in very different ways. I think this really is "culture" in a nut shell. Very nice video!
We exchange food for gifts! In my Danish family the rule is: No party = no gifts. Party = nice gifts
I only know that hang out culture from family. When family meets that can take a whole day but that’s special occasions, most of the time, or you come around for coffee and get invited to stay for dinner. When meeting close friends that can evolve to a whole day but most of the time it’s more like meeting for coffee or theatre and then decide to go for a walk or go to a bar afterwards. My general assumption is when I meet someone for lunch I’ll probably be home in the early afternoon or earlier but maybe that’s already doing more than expected. Maybe that’s a difference between urban and rural areas. I only know urban areas.
The “old school of politeness” would say: an invitation implies that a guest should just be a guest. His presence and the good mood he/she brings is the greatest gift you can make as a guest. The present you (are secretly expected to) might bring should minor the expenses of the inviter or should just be a thanks for the invitation. And mind that the gesture is above the cost 😌
Be careful not to insult your “Gastgeber” by paying for yourself or even him-/hers. Could be understood as the inviter could not afford to invite you. 🤓
17:00 Using your phone as a bottle opener, without getting scratches on your screen or backplate. And spolier, NO iPhone!
Due to the obvious cultural differences, for me "friend" and "Freund" are "false friends". (No pun intended, hehe)
thanks for your points of views - great show.
When Facebook became a thing in germany, many people complained or made fun about the term "Freund" when you add someone. It was a lot of boomerish "yeah they have a 1000 'friends' on facebook but no one to call when they need help". I think that illistrates the different perception of the word pretty good.
Austrian here. maybe there are some differences here too, but here are my two cents....
on the birthday-concern: this depends on how the invitation is worded. if it is an INVITATION like this "Ich möchte dich einladen" then usually, the one issuing the invitation will pay. (attention! the younger the people, the less this is true though!) if it is worded differently, like let's meet at restaurant x, let's get together to celebrate my birthday etc, then everyone just pays for themselves.
if you get invited to a party at someone's house, usually the host will provide everything. however, you should ask "can/should I bring something?" and the host will tell you what they need. this can range from a salad to cookies or crisps or "please bring the thing you made when i was invited at your house three monts ago".
the byob question: sometimes an invitation will be issued for a party where it will be specified that non alcoholic drinks and one or two alcoholic beaverage will be provided, but that you should bring something else if you would rather drink that - so bring your own beaverage (or beer)
if you are close friends with germans or austrians, then you will know what to bring anyway, because either this is a regular get together and you know what everyone who is coming likes, or the host will just tell you.
For German birthdays, you bring your cake and host your special day. Your friends must not forget the date and must bring a present, write a poem for a toast and fulfill you a serious wish, such as making your sister give you a kiss, even tho she is hesitant other days
concerning birthdays:
For me I'd say that if you have a friend in germany you have a friend for life. This can be everyday or someone you haven't heard anything from in months or years but you know if you call them with any major crisis, they'll fuel their car and come to resque, anytime anywhere.
I'm very happy about my friends and when it's my birthday I celebrate my life and want to share the things that make me feel rich whith whom I love the most. Kind of a thank you. In a sense of
"I feel happy and honoured if you make your way and find the time to celebrate with me. I'm so happy to have you so please sit down and be my guest."
That won't be dinner for everyone in my case but probably a "box" of beer or two, or a bigger party if I can afford it, whatever I can give. In most cases guests bring more stuff and presents anyway.
But for me the most important thing is that people come together and I want us all to have a good time.
Man this video was great. I learned so much about my own culture! Thank you so much for this!
In Germany we say: „wer aufhört ein Freund zu sein -war nie einer.“
(„Who stops being a friend - wasn’t a friend the whole time.“)
As a German I think it’s nice to make others happy (we‘re not completely cold inside;)). It’s like an invitation: come join me, because I want us to be one big group where all people can feel happiness and have a good time together.
Also, it’s more fair. In every group, whether it be friends or colleagues, are always people who are more popular or less popular than others. Imagine one has many friends, gets lot of gifts and people pay for the food and others get - nothing. That’s actually harsh. 😢
And everyone knows: a good meal makes people happy!
The German way of paying for birthdays: It allows the birthday person to decide how much they're going to spend. It doesn't really matter much in friend circles where everyone is equally affluent, because you're all going to choose activities and venues that are affordable for that group of friends. But if you have a financially diverse friend group, one person might invite everyone to a home-made pick-nick at the local park, while another person might treat everyone to a fancy dinner, and the not-so-well-off person will not have to worry about being able to afford their part of the bill at the wealthier person's party.
The easiest way to explain it is "Harte Schale, weicher Kern", we might seem rough and distanced at first, but if you make a german friend, you get a proper friend, not just a "friend"
For the invitation thing: The person inviting is expected to pay. It is possible that you invite somebody for his birthday. But how could I "invite" other people and expect them to pay for me ? On the other hand, the guests bring usually gifts.
In Germany you have friends just in school time. School friends. And that´s it. After you get in work life, friends disappear. Maybe you can consider work friends as friends.
15:00 As a German, i never heard that anyone ever would save money for that. Or having the expectation that you have to pay.
I think it is actually more common to just pay for a round of drinks on your birthday and not the whole meal of everyone you invited, though I have been in situations where that happened. if you invite someone, they are gifting you their presence and buy something for you, so you thank them for their effort by paying for one or multiple rounds of drinks. seems fair to me. this way, both parties pay a bit and not only the friends have to pay everything.
also, can i just say how incredibly strange i find it when in tv shows people go eat and then split the bill evenly between everyone no matter what they ate? i would be so fucking pissed if i just had a salad and the others a huge steak and i had to pay a share of their meal. i think the "pay what you actually ate" system works way better, considering i am broke af and always look at what every dish costst before i order.
As a German, I find Americans to be more approachable, which is something I really like. But the disappointment, again from a German standpoint, can then come from trying to follow up on that initial friendliness and openness and assuming that you will just as easily become an American's close friend as they became an enjoyable acquaintance to you. If that makes any sense 😉
Also, it can happen that a German misreads an American and think they are friends and is then completely disappointed when they don't do the things you expect from a friend.
The "all day commitment" seems very strange to me and I'm german. My thought is that its not that common to meet very early. Usually you hang out with friends only in the late afternoon or evening. I'm just 27 but i also can't remember my parents hanging out with somebody just in the afternoon. The only typical occasions i know are: An invitation for lunch (starting between 12 and 2pm) - if you are in a restaurant you leave or drink a liquor/coffee after; if you have someone at your place its common that you have a coffee after but usually you would leave way before the dinner (maybe between 4 and 5pm). An invitation for coffee and cake starts in the afternoon (around 4pm) but usually you would also leave before dinner. Here its more common to ask if you wan't to stay for dinner. If you're having a good time, you stay and yeah then it can get late with several drinks and stuff. But if you have something planned, are tired or prefer to eat at home its not rude to say no.
I would be very confused too if i agreed to come over for a coffee and the person expects me to have a walk with them or EXPECTS you stay for dinner (like i said, the offer itself is very common). Maybe meetings with couples have other rules, idk.
We tend to compare other's reality to our own ideals - rather than to our own realities.
Love the insight to Germany, you give me. Thanks.
Peace and love
For the birthday question:
For me the host of any party provides the place and food and the guests bring something along. like more food, snacks, drinks etc.I as a host would feel weird inviting someone with the unspoken implication that i expect them to pay for me as i was the person who they already give their time and in the case of a birthday of course presents too.(for a casual get together usually everyone pays for their own stuff with few exceptions like"next coffee/drink/whatever is on me" but that follows a complicated set of unspoken rules i cannot explain)
But it's not uncommon that the host asks the guests something like: "can someone bring a crate of soft drinks or beer or wine or whatever since one person of course cannot pay for everything.
Wie immer gutes Video👍😁
So in german we use the same word for inviting and treating and that reflects on who will probably pay. If you invite somebody for something it‘s highly likely that you are going to pay. Same with the birthday. You are the host, you know how many people are invited and how much stuff to get, so you‘re doing that.
I mean, if you throw a party for your birthday, you would also buy the drinks and snacks, so going to a restaurant is just a party outside. My friends and I don't usually have parties or big get togethers, being mostly introverts and having to celebrate with family, but in lieu of a gift, we invite each other to dinner. (Small group of friends, so three times a year we have a dinner party.) But we say that out loud, we invite the birthday kid to dinner and they can choose the restaurant.
About work: I don't expect others to remember my birthday, and this way no one gets excluded. If I have a special colleague I might invite them to a fancy lunch privately, but you know there would have to be that one warmhearted person in every office to organise the cake etc. And who is included in the circle in a big company? This way I bring a few small cakes or muffins and everyone can have them in the lunchroom in whichever way they please, with me, or grumpily on their own if they hate me...
The "all day commitment" is only valid at home. If you enjoy it you like to stay, hence, if you leave you don't like it.
If you see a problem coming you make it "until" upfront, no matter if you are host or guest. You don't do binch drinking, but you go home when you are drunk, this maybe 8hours later. Another way is to meet in a restaurant, usually after dining and having a few drinks, party is over and people leave.
That's also a difference to US you pointed out in another video, about (not) leaving restaurant after finished eating.
You pay the meals on your birthday in germany because in exchange you get presents so you don't burden your friends with more costs as they also already had travel cost and took the time to come.
The birthday thing. And also other invitation in general. If you Invite guests it is your responsibility to provide for them. If you can't afford it just tell them and ask if they would like to contribute. Thats after all why guests bringing small gifts is mostly expected. You exchange tokens of appreciation.