I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM | Dealing with blurriness in Dissociative Identity Disorder
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- Опубліковано 2 бер 2021
- Jess speaks about her experience dealing with the regular feelings of dissociation can bring, including the blurriness between alters
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⚠️ Trigger/Content warning ⚠️
+ Depersonalisation/depersonalisation themes
===Whilst we may give self-help tips and advice, we are not a replacement for any mental health professional===
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★ Resources: ★
Information on DPDR:
www.unrealuk.org/information-...
On categories of dissociation:
☆ Steinberg, 2000
www.researchgate.net/profile/...
Awareness of identity alteration and diagnostic preference between borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorders
www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/1...
Ross, 2021: The Dissociative Taxon and Dissociative Identity Disorder
www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/1...
Interesting read to counter-argue that it’s commonplace of identity confusion, particularly in adolescence: Berman, 2017. onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/a...
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Chaotic facts about the video today!
The “Jake doll” was hanging from the top of our plaque, but of course, my amazing camera skills means he was cut out of the scene 😅🙈
Our fringe is doing it’s own thing - it’s lockdown, but our fringe has grown substantially! Do we cut it? Put it to the side? Or let it grow out? Who knows!
We have new sparkly lights that were left over after Xmas so we can look like a proper UA-camr 😂🙈 but again, not quite sure we’ve got the “framing” right yet and we may still move around the room in future videos until we get the scene right.
I did wonder where poor Jake was!
Love you guys with a side fringe personally...
Sparkly lights are always awesome but it’s not the background that makes your channel, it’s the stigma busting fabulous wealth of information you bring and as a more in the closet system We appreciate you educating the community, it makes us feel safe.
Surlely you have a hairdresser in there.. From memory you do. How many times before you became aware did you get male typical haircuts. Throw out make up?
@@DashSpaceski we do, that was his job on the inner world, but sadly that doesn’t mean his skills automatically transfer to real life 😅 I wish it did! Even so, we haven’t decided what to do with our fringe yet. As for the final part of your Q - I don’t know about throwing out the make up part but we’ve always had long hair.
"chaotic facts about the video today" I love this XD
(using fictional names for internet privacy here.)
For me, I tell myself “I am A. I am B. I am A. I am C.”
Once I say “I am A.” I try and feel my reaction to it. If it feels like lying, I am not that alter. If it feels normal, I am at least party that alter. Rambling on multiple names one after the other I try to finetune my identity.
“Okay, I feel normal saying ‘I am A,’ and I feel normal saying ‘I am B.’ When I say ‘I am C,’ it feels like a lie. Therefore, I am both A and B.”
That makes sense
My strategy is similar, just a bit more rediculous haha. I am a trans man, and feel very uncomfortable with any sort of "feminine" features. Sometimes if we're really confused we'll ask. "How do I feel about having boobs?" Usually it's a very clear NO or yeah!! It definitely helps to narrow it down
We’re valid even when there’s no published research to “back up” our DID phenomenon. Just like systems that were around before the dsmV even existed were valid. Their experiences too.
Systems were valid even when people thought the brain was located in the stomach!
they thought *what*
Michael Mohamed your response made me spit out my drink omg 😆
It's real, because I recovered, and I was born yesterday.
Thank you so much for this 🙏💛
Blurriness is especially scary when it’s a new alter. Like fresh alter who’s never existed before then. This happened to me at work, personal stuff caused a new alter to come in and as the host, feeling someone I didn’t recognise coming in to front I was like “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap who dis?”
“New phone who dis” energy
(Also I’m so sorry that happened I hope it turned out okay!!)
Can we just take a minute to appreciate their beauty
Oh that’s very kind thank you 🥰🥺
i loved how they looked just before thies video. :')
Both inside and out!
They are blocking her consciousness. She is a host. She allows it by trying to stop it. I feel bad.
@@FirstnameLastname-qp4hf What?
We're a blurry bunch most of the time, and wow, it's confusing. That whole derealisation thing for us is what we call "peanut Butter days" where the world feels like the air is as thick as peanut butter. Sleep, a shower, or exercise help sometimes, but sometimes it's just... Sitting with it. Thanks for making us feel seen, it matters.
So relatable
Last night i had to comfort my partner with DID while this was happening to them and they had no idea what it was. I felt bad for not being able to help so ive stayed researching all night and im so glad i found this video. This channel is really gonna help me in my relationship
That is so kind! I hope everything is still going well!
I have not been diagnosed with DID, but these feelings are exactly how I’ve been feeling for years. I am going to speak to my therapist soon-I hope she is knowledgeable.
There comes a point where there WONT be any resources to cite because they don’t exist. And we can’t wait until they do. That’s when experiences matter more than ever--- and hopefully our voices can get the ‘right’ kind of peoples’ attention and focus (that would lead to new research results being made possible). 🧡
😭😢🤘
Absolutely agree! Well said! Was going to say similar if ya didn't.
Right now, our system is trying to pull apart real world memories from inner-world memories. Maladaptive daydreaming warped everyone's reality. So not only do we not know who we are most of the time, we really don't know WHO WE ARE after we just thought we figured it out lol
Can relate, we maladaptive daydream too, we often use it as a cover. We have a daydreams based on certain members of our system and its how we first introduced ourselves. Acting like the characters in her head is similar to acting out daydreams, so easier transition.
But she noticed it didn't fit with what she researched and eventually found out what it actually was. Then the problem was not being able to tell the difference. Except when we began to be more differentiated she became less comfortable and quickly became overwhelmed. Now we are taking it slow.
So now we can't even try to work out who we have in the system so that we can separate fiction from reality; never mind who is fronting 😫 . Are best size guess is around 30 give or take, with at least half touched upon during our initial discovery stage and some hints since then. While the daydreams we give her have only shown her about 5 distinct people, so she got overwhelmed.
The fact that quite a few also value their privacy more than the system getting to know eachother, which is perfectly valid, has added to our need to take it slow 😞😣
Sorry we started rambling about our life story and ranting to you 🙊🙈😅 . We got a bit over excited with you mentioning maladaptive daydreaming since I've never saw a system comment about this before, that I can remember. Also with us relating to not knowing who we are even when we thought we cracked it 😖 yeah wierd lol 😅.
This!!
Oh my gosh... all those times that we were told, "This just isn't like you!" growing up... 😂😂😂
As for not knowing which alter is fronting, for us sometimes it's because we have too many alters really near the front and it confuses whoever is fronting. Sometimes it like an amnesia wall goes up similiar to when we didn't know about our DID. We call it "default mode" LOL So we just feel "like the body" or rather like the hosts that we have had over the years. We're like... I know I'm an alter... I KNOW I don't identify with the body... but at this very moment I DO because I don't know who else I could be.
We find that just saying "f it!" and going about our business usually helps, like you suggested. Just shrug it off and know that it doesn't really matter at that moment because it won't hurt us. It's irritating at times but *shrug* it is what it is.
This hits home. Thanks X
this is,,, very true,,,,
Everybody's talking about Jake's doll, but Ollie's is just lying down in the corner.
This was so well put. Derealization can be scary.
Being blurred is confusing but the important part is to know you're safe regardless of who you may be.
Imagine being in the middle of labor, in the middle of pushing and all of a sudden derealizing! It happened to me and holy shit..I didn’t have the words for it then, but I knew I had experienced it before throughout my life. Normally, I didn’t mind it so much...it was kinda like a weird uncomfortable but I still like it situation...but in that moment, with everything else that was happening, I got really scared because I was afraid I was going to pass out or scared it meant my blood pressure was getting out of wack or something. I just needed a few second to stop and breathe though and quicker then I thought, ai snapped out of it...but man..what an experience! One I will never forget. What’s weird is, I remember moments of derealization and depersonalization more than anything else throughout my life.
@@TheKatarinaGiselle that sounds intense and scary. Wow!
Before i knew i was in a system, i would have moments where I'd forget my own name or someone would be like "what's your favorite color?" And I'd just be like "there was one... I dunno what it is tho" i chocked it up to just general forgetfulness, i was wrong and now i know
We get this and often the 54321 method doesn't work well either. We just have to shrug and say oh, well, just carry on and it will sort itself out.
Lori
We are the same
The 54321 method is our go too our snuggles with our cat and if that doesn’t work than music and waiting.
I don't have DID, but I found this super helpful. I didn't even know this was such an issue, but Jess has explained it so well. Gives me more tools for being a good friend. Thanks yall!
Enjoyed this video. Reminded me of a therapy session i had where she hooked us up to an EEG machine and had me watch a movie. I wasnt feeling good that day but i wanted to get through the session so i asked my alters to do various tasks in the background--calm the nausea, cool the body, relieve the headache etc. And i just stayed in the main seat and focused on watching the movie. But a few minutes in, my T looked puzzled and checked my eeg connections. The movie froze and she finally asked what i was doing. She turned her laptop to me and showed me where the eeg was plotting a graph of my brainwaves and where it went from normal to completely off the charts steadily for several minutes. She asked me questions of movie recall and some motor skills, see if i had a history of seizures--i do not. And then sat back baffled. I was nervous and anxious while my alters were laughing at the eeg results. That got me into looking up fMRIs and DID. Pretty interesting how the neuroscience lines up with DID. If you have multiple alters active and fronting or doing stuff, that's different sections of the brain lighting up and going off simultaneously. And apparently, do that enough and the eeg program thinks you're having a seizure Cuz the brain activity gets so high 😆 still tickles me to this day when I remember that. Sorry for ranting and bringing up a very loosely related topic. Very good jobs on the videos and can't wait to watch more! Oh. Before I forget one of mine wanted to know if any of you are left handed? She's the only one in my system that's a lefty and doesn't know any DID system that also has a lefty.
Ed is left-handed while the others are all right-handed, if I recall correctly.
Also, that's so interesting about your brain scan!
I have had epilepsy all of my life, so I've had my share of EEGs and VEEGs. I had no idea that this was used for DID or anything other than seizures. Are they using CT scans, as well, I wonder?
Interesting.
We're primarily left handed. We eat, write, and reach for things with the left, but almost everything else is done with the right, including using scissors. As far as I know, it's the same for the whole system.
Different "alters" might also have their own preferred ways that help them. I guess this can add to the confusion, but eventually something gives and the door clears.
Another thing to try is to have a playlist with everybody's favourite songs in it. Play or skip songs on shuffle until a song pulls the focus enough.
I just noticed the little dolls of everyone! so cute and perfect for helping us know who may be fronting if we aren't too familiar with everyone. I don't know if that's what the dolls are for but either way they're awesome!
Thank you for this. We've recently found out about us having DID and it's been hard. Especially because we don't have a specific host and we unconsciously blend. I'm just glad that it's not uncommon and others do it too.
-Ash & Somi
I have D.I.D. & was diagnosed with it in 1996 or 1997, I can’t remember which year it was, anymore. But it was one of those two years.
Anyway, I have always felt very isolated from other people who have it. I’ve known, ever since I found out that I have it, that I’m not the only person in the world who has it. But I’ve always felt like I am and I’ve always wanted to find someone else who has it, so I could talk to them about it and maybe make a friendship out of it.
Your videos, which, sadly, I only found two days ago, I wish I’d found them much sooner but I’m glad I found them, now. Anyway, they’ve made me feel much better about having this disorder and I absolutely love watching and listening to your inner family.
Bad things happened to me 5 1/2 years ago, with my adult children and my husband. It was the most difficult time of my life. And most of it was due to the D.I.D. They took my youngest four children away from me and although we’ve all pretty much, put it all behind us. And I have my children back in my home and my life. I was devastated by this.
One of the things that they wanted to see me accomplish before I could get my children back from my oldest two children. Was, not only to get better (I’d already been going to counseling for D.I.D., for three or four years at the time they did this to me.), but they wanted, & almost made it something that I absolutely had to do. Was to become one person, by making all of my alters and myself, merge together.
In attempting to accomplish this, I ended up driving my inner family, far away from me and making them annihilate them from me and everyone else on the outside.
I didn’t even want to become one person and for the last 4 years, I’ve totally hated the fact that I don’t have them anymore. I had to learn how to handle the world, my life and every single thing in my life and the world, by myself. Which I know is something that people who don’t have this condition, learn at an early age. But I’d always had “someone”, who would come out and take over, when it was too much for me.
We did not merge together (I’m sorry, normally I can remember the actual word, that we use for someone who has D.I.D., to become one person, but I can’t think of it right now.). Anyway, we didn’t merge into one person, they just went deep deep inside of me and I’ve been left by myself to try to figure this all out, alone.
It didn’t help that, not only did my children, all six of them, not want to interact with my alters, anymore, at all, or, ever again. But my husband (who never did take this diagnosis very well), was adamantly mean and cruel to everyone inside of me, except for one of them and that “one”, was NOT, me! Not the person who is normally out. But an alter & this was very hurtful and painful for me to have to go through.
During this time I also found out from our therapist and my psychiatrist, that my husband has N.P.D., or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He scored in the high 90’s on the narcissist test. But he will not ever know it. They told me that because he doesn’t think that he needs any counseling and he thinks that everything that is wrong in our lives and his own life, is due to me and my mental health issues. That he would only become worse, if we told him that he is a narcissist. Especially if he knew how high of a percentage, of a narcissist, he actually is.
So, I can’t even get help for him, to help us or myself. So, he’s cruel, selfish and mean. I’m stuck here, all alone, wishing that I’d never agreed to try, or did try, to merge with my inside family. I, not only have a hard time learning how to live in a world without them. But I also miss them, terribly.
My husband was essentially the person who drove all of them deep inside of me. He was so mean to all of them, except for the one, and that “one”, is the only one that I can say, I truly hate and would be happy if she never appeared again. But for some reason, she’s the only one who didn’t go so deep inside that I can’t hardly find her anymore. She’s still fairly close to the “outside”, & she’s even tried to come out, about 4 or 5 times, in the last 18-24 months. But I tell her that she isn’t allowed to come forward anymore. I hate her and I don’t want anything to do with her ever again. She’s the only one I feel this way, about.
Anyway, thank you for your videos and for bringing this disorder, to light.
I hope that, one day, I can do something like you’re doing. Or be on a D.I.D. Documentary or special or something like that. I hope you have the time to read my comment. I don’t know why, but I do.
"Foot in the door," I really like that. I agree that the more I get to know my system, the less "blur" there is. I can usually pick out this or that trait that belongs to such-and-such and so-and-so. Oftentimes, it's not just one person at the front, but multiple people contributing. Blending is just a fact of our system that we've gotten comfortable with and learned to navigate.
The coolest thing about grounding is that there's so many ways to do it! Like you were suggesting with the ice therapy ; some other things you can do are smell candles and read their name, pet your pets, snuggle with a stuffed animal (also good for bringing forward a little or soother to calm everything down), drinking cold drink, eating something with a lot of flavor, etc!
This was an excellent video, M&M! Thank you for making it! My mom watched it first and said she was thinking about me the whole time. I see why!! Blurriness was our entire middle and high school life. This was a really great and informative!
Hate when our T asks:"who are you?" 'Who is here?"
Wtf do i know?? Sheesh
Omg dead ass for reals like do they not get that it sends us further into distress
T?
@@Senfree therapist
Should they just guess though?
@@evalevy2909 no not at all. I totally get that it is a catch 22 for us and them. They ask, out of respect etc. We panic, "who knows this answer ?"" Fast!!" "Anyone answer her!!!"
And all the while we are totally silent outwardly.!!!
Jess struggling to speak- sameeeeeeee
Haha we already liked that comment :'D
This was such a great topic to cover and the example of the revolving door is the best explanation of being 'stuck' while two or more alters are trying to come forward but also feeling blurred.
I've had the same exact experiences and feeling on blurring, especially when an alter is blending with me (the host) and although my male alters and some female alters have their different "voice tones" they get defaulted as myself the host, when things get blurry. I have always wondered if anyone had the same experience (and if that's part of the defense mechanism). I'm glad that you brought that up! It's great to know that others experience the same since I thought it was just us! Thank you, Jess again for such a beautiful topic to share about. - Key (SoulSwipe System)💜🤗
your makeup is so pretty 😭
personally, weve never found it scary, but the confusion of not knowing can make us exceptionally angry and aggitated, and that anger aggrivates the blurring.
learning to sit with it is 100% what we have found to be the most useful. theres no clear cut solution that works for us every time, but just being ok with being a blur in itself reduces the discomfort of it, and even how long it can last. if part of us is aware a certain part wants to be out but cant for whatever reason, putting on their music can help. but sometimes that will actively make it worse, especially if theres a reason our subconcious wont let them out in the first place. so the majority of the time, a neutral music - like lo-fi or meditation music - is our go to to help calm us down, and we just close our eyes and focus on our breathing until someone settles into front.
I definitely agree. The more we feel frustrated about "not knowing", the more it gets blurry. Reason why, after the drama with DissociaDID, my system came to the recent realisation that we were feeling like we aren't valid as some alters in our system aren't so distinct compared to their system. We're slowly healing and accepting that our symptoms may not completely match with other systems on UA-cam but it doesn't mean that we aren't valid. :)
@@apis7480 oh i had similar YEARS ago, cus one of my close friends has practically the oppositte relationship with their system in regards communication and memory between switches and shit. its awful feeling like "you arent enough" for not living up to ideas that you or others have about how this stuff "shou,ld" work. Im glad yall are begining to heal and find peace with yourselves now. your experiences are 100% valid, and dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hey Jess, hope y’all are doing well.
Just noticed you guys haven’t posted in a few months and I miss you in my subscription box. Hope everything is going well for you guys and the family.
See you in the next video!
She got a new job. So she is a busier bee than anytime before.🐝
@@krampus5546 Awesome! Happy for them
I think systems use They pronouns
@@ariana_208 some do; some don't. some say 'I'; some say 'we'. unless jess has expressed that she only wants her system to be called 'they' (which, to the best of my knowledge, she has not), there's no need to go around correcting people.
Found your channel today. I feel normal now. I've never spoken to anyone with DID who has more understanding of it than me. I so want to be friends with you guys. I don't feel alone anymore
Such a good topic 😭 it happens all the time with us
😭🤘
From personal experience, I've discovered some pretty useful questions over time when dealing with identity confusion and blurriness and eventually coming to terms to just saying "This is Wendy." When I don't know who's around. (I blame this on my heritage and culture as well, I'm Chinese so everyone's gonna be a family and be co-con all at once.)
Anyways, here's the questions:
- Are you more sociable or more introverted? Or are you fighting between sociable and outgoing or focusing and introverted?
- Notice any changes or "juts" in usual behavior, like being louder/quieter than usual, or suddenly being more easygoing, pleasant, etc?
- How do you feel today? Are you more upbeat? More enthusiastic? Or are you just "not there"?
I found it helps to give us a bit more organisation with dealing with work in general, like daily life and all (We're going into 3D art, so we need to be as "chop-chop" as possible). We tend to together think of better ideas if I have an idea who's around.
-Wendy (Host) w/a bunch of other parts
P.S. It's a weird experience watching yourself do things, not gonna lie.
I'm a system and was just talking about this with my wife a couple weeks ago. And on the other hand, sometimes we feel like it's obvious to the outside world who's fronting, but like you said, we all physically look alike to the outside world.
I was diagnosed 25 years ago - I wish this information had been around then. I wasted a lot of time in therapy trying to look like one person to be a 'good' client, to 'graduate' to 'get over it'. I didn't believe I had DID (even though I had been aware of some of the insiders most of my life), in part due to of this kind of blurriness and other things (such as co-consciousness with some others) Wow. 25 years lol. Never dreamed back then that we would have the amazing life we have now. It isn't without management and anxiety etc, but the good stuff outweighs the bad. Twenty five years ago it was a living hell. Today is interesting, creative and satisfying :)
Thanks for making this! A friend recently discovered they have d.i.d. and struggle with that. I hope this will help them.
Thank you so much for posting this. I just told my boyfriend the other day.... Sometimes I honestly don't know who I am. And I'm not the only one in our system that has had this feeling before. Thank you for your amazing content and your empathetic approach to DID. 💙
As your boyfriend, I'll watch this video too and take notes and try to be a better support for you
@@legacygtb3044 @multiplicityAndMe
This is probably going to sound silly.. But when I saw that you hearted my comment, Jess.... I started crying. I rarely comment on videos. But this is something I've been struggling with for awhile. And you explain things so well and help spread awareness and reduce the stigma attached with DID. With as many followers as you have, I never in a million years thought my Comment would even be read. We respect you so much and want to thank you for being compassionate and wonderful. 💙💙💙💙💙
Oh don’t cry 🥺💗 bless you! thank you so much for your lovely words! We wish you the best on your recovery journey!
@@MultiplicityAndMe thank you so much. You have no idea how much you even speaking to me, means to me... And all of us. You are amazing and we look up to you. 💙💙💙💙 I've never commented before because I figured there were too many people so why even say something. And having you acknowledge us is so incredibly emotional. 💙😢
Jess, it’s amazing how you can explain so clearly what you experience. Although I don’t have DID, I want to be an educated ally.
Off topic: Your eyes and makeup are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
I think the technical term for the blurriness is blending. Janina Fisher has some good work on this, my counsellor taught me to assume it’s a communication from another part and ask them why they become present. I noticed that a lot of times it’s because they are anxious about something in the environment and are trying to be conscious to keep us safe. But if you are an SRA/MCP then you have an extra step to understand if you are being effected by a program, e.g. a flooding program. I recommend reading becoming yourself by Alison Miller if you need help with deprogramming 😊
I’m sorry if this is inappropriate to ask or if this is distressing to you, but what does MCP stand for? I know what SRA stands for, just not MCP. Thank you 💚
@@shan8130 mind control programming
@@ArtyAntics Thank you⭐️
thank you so much for this!! you posted this at a time when our system REALLY needed it bc we've been so blurry nonstop for about a month now.
just wanted to add, something that usually helps us (not always, but it can help to be less "stuck") is identity-based grounding. i don't remember where we heard it from, but asking ourselves questions like "what's my favourite colour?" can sometimes help clarify who's closer to the front. even if we get multiple answers, at least it narrows it down from the broader range of "everybody at once" lol
Oh gosh that makes us so much worse 😂🙈 but again - we’re all different and this may help someone else! Thank you for sharing 😊
When you go back to your watchlist thinking you only watched like 2 minutes but you finished it apparently....
You have many subscribers who don’t have DID but are trying to learn more :)
I was actually writing a song that tries to depict this feeling of blurriness! I'm so happy that you now made an video on that topic, thank you so much
Thank you as always. Sometimes in therapy when our therapist asks a question we would go through such rapid switching and the noise would be really loud as so many wanted to come forward to respond. We had to learn to just sit there and let that happen until it settled down enough and then also the blurring also took time to settle then one would come forward and answer her. While this happens the anxiety is through the roof and our body would go numb. Our therapist is really gentle at just sitting there whilst all this is unfolding before her. In the past this process freaked a few therapists out, so we are pleased our new one understand what is happening. This is also why anyone calling out a name, does Not work when we are cascading, for us anyway we need to just let it all happen in it's own time. I like what you said about doing practical stuff as that is really helpful.
;-; thats us a lot when we get yelled at, and its an issue we have never told anyone about fully... Azzie (main person) had us (6 alters) for years as 'the crazy weird kinda kinky voices in their head' until we started dating a girl (who we still are with AND KEEPING) and Malcrox was desperate to talk and Azzie was like 'um... he wants to talk to you... but idk what he's like, he's a voice in my head but....' and she literally said 'let him out then' and thus began a month long journey of Malcrox pushing Azzie into the back of their own mind and taking the chair and not just fronting to talk but to explain that he is someone completely different that Azzie had been suppressing for years and that he (and the rest of us) would randomly take a bit of physical control to do things but that Azzie was diagnosed schizophrenic so he was unsure of his own existence... so she told us wtf did is and he's like 'oh... then it looks like the dumb humans were wrong, it isn't schizophrenia then? guess ill help the others out too then and see if it helps' and then Taylor and Lilac were let out then me (hhiiiii I'm Copper btw) and then Aqua and wayyyyyyy later (months later) Fredrick came out... so june 2020 was the beginning of a new life for us, lots happened, and our family (mom, dad. brother, sister) think its just a dumb new hyperfixation (we have autism, adhd, anxiety, depression, possibly mania and we are legally disabled) but its not and its not fake and we need to get diagnosed but everytime we ask mom for help shes either too busy to talk to or just says 'just do it on your own your a big girl' (only 2 of us identify as females, 3 are males including me, Azzie is bigender, Malcrox is magiboy... not that she cares) so all we can really do is learn more and try to live happily, but the fact that people call us fake because we are not official diagnosed and don't take our word for it and believe us and trust us with telling them how we are hurts so much and i honestly an typing it all our with tears in my eyes cuz comments and posts are the only way we ever get recognized as us and not just the 'weird afab that thinks shes special cuz shes a wack'..... its painful to never really be believed in person and only when its typed out and written with so much explanation that the reason we typed it gets overshadowed by the length of it all... they literally tell us stop typing so much, its too much, too many words' and completely ignore the words themselves... oop i should probably end this here before i write a book, sorry, anyway thatnk you for your valuable info and your efforts to teach and help others in that kinda situation, yall are awesome and we kinda wanna be yalls friends but at the same time that's kinda weird to ask but like yall are cool and i at least hope that me typing this stuff will both help other peeps feel less alone if they relate to our situations and helps us feel seen and heard, have an awesome weekend and stay f***kin hydrated (i censored it for the younger readers but i cuss a lot so i HAD to throw an f bomb sOmEwHeRe RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)
- Copper (from The Madhouse Within system)
How are you now? Is it getting better for you? Sending you my love and support💪💪💪💚
@@fbxn hi, we're alright, haven't gotten a diagnosis yet but recently got an appointment soon for help that could lead to the right help for us, we're still us 7 but I've been out for a year and struggling and have moved since May 2022 to a different part of my state and just recently started finding mental health stuff near me and I don't plan on giving up any time soon on healing, coping, and moving forward along with my alters, thank you for checking in, it's very much appreciated that anyone's even read this, and have a lovely day and weekend 🤍
- Azzie
All that is great news! Let s all keep our faith in healing strong💚
This makes us feel very valid.
I used to sit inside crying at university listing 'what I liked' because i didn't know
I can't wait for you next upload. I've been watching your old videos a few times and I miss you and your Alters. You guys are so nice !
Thank you so much. This is very helpful and relevant to my/our experience. I've been experiencing this and didn't know how to explain it effectively to anyone on the outside/external people. I have grown to love my alters and love us as a multiplicity. It's terrifying to me to feel like I'm losing them and I don't understand why or how they are going.
Sometimes it feels like I'm all alone without them and I hate not being able to hear them. It used to be, and sometimes still is, that I would hear them as background noise when they weren't fronting/co-fronting, and often times I feel like everything, including myself, is background noise. It's like I'm consumed and dissolved into complete static. Sometimes the static is so loud and blurred blurred I don't even know who I am,, just that I miss them, and it feels like them sometimes looking through my eyes missing them.
But they do come back eventually. I miss them when they aren't around.
The people I've talked to in my life have seemed to try to understand it the best they can, but haven't seemed to quite grasp my distinction between this blurriness and the more common sense of identity confusion during a major life transition (me learning how to support myself instead of being dependent on my parents or romantic partner and going through a breakup of a committed life partner.)
I'm seeing a new therapist and she doesn't immediately give me the impression that my different alters are valid entities and it feels a bit more like she sees them as a symptom to be fixed, but I wanted to have another session to clarify whether or not that's actually her perspective, but... this video is exactly what I needed at this moment.
I just felt such a massive relief to listen to someone else talk about having multiple personalities and I related so so much. I feel so understood, it is incredible.
Thank you so much again, to all of you.
Thank you for this video! What has helped for me personally, is to just relax and internally start making jokes. Our mind palace likes making jokes so we laugh until someone eventually comes forward. That may just be us, so yeah. Smilies!
I just have to write to tell you: I found your channel years ago and I watched because it was interesting and intriguing and I'm always trying to learn more and mental health stuff is so important. Well my close friend just got diagnosed with DID (after being misdiagnosed for years) and after watching your videos it just makes sense. My friend is really scared and the stigma surrounding DID scares them and they're afraid of being labeled as "crazy" or " unstable" Your channel has educated me so much I hope it can help my friend feel better about themself 💜💙
Get you a host who got a doll of everyone in the system along with her👌🏾😏😂
We've been in and out of a full-life emotional flashback for a couple days or... weeks now. I can't honestly tell right now. We've been having blocks of hours at a time just blackout-gone. It's so hard to know who I am and we've been feeling very invalid. We needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Keep thinking I'm someone else, or that the other perceptions of my reality were all wrong. Been diagnosed for years. A diagnosis doesn't mean self-doubt stops. It just changes the goalpost of what's required to feel valid.
You're really brave to just... explain what it was like at your lowest. That idea of asking another person to coax an alter out might be helpful.
Such a wonderful and informative video.
On another note: Where is Jake's doll?
It’s actually hanging at the top! But my amazing camera skills didn’t get him in the shot 🙈
Good god this video has done wonders for me. Except I can't watch your videos (or see the thumbnails) without dissociating so it's weird. But to have someone describe things I've never heard described but KNOW is amazing thank you
Hi! I just wanted to say thank you for all the work you did in making your videos and putting information out there. I was recently diagnosed with DID, and for years before my diagnosis, I had been watching your videos out of an interest for this disorder. Without your videos that educated us, I know we would've freaked out and shut down for months, potentially years, as we fought to figure out the mess going on inside our heads. The knowledge you shared made it infinitely easier to accept our diagnosis and figure out how to cope, work together, and move forward. I can't overstate how grateful we are. Thank you again for being willing to put yourself out there and for educating those with and without DID. You are absolutely incredible for that.
Ahh~ im so thankful for this video! We often get identity confusion within the past couple months and we've found it to be really debilitating at moments. It especially happens when we've been dissociating for longer amounts of time or when someone in the system is forcing their way to the front (or gatekeeper is holding someone back from fronting). As if our head didnt hurt enough, but anyways ive found your experience and advice super helpful!
This video is so validating.
This video in particular helps so much as we’ve been incredibly blurry lately due to stress. Thank you so much.
This was sooooooooo helpful right now!!! This was the exact problem I’ve been experiencing that I couldn’t express! Thank you so much for your continued education and support in our community.
Though I as a non-multiple could never understand exactly how this feels, and I would never claim to, I feel like this video helped me understand it a bit better!
Also, very off topic but I just have to say, I LOVE this look! 😍
Yassss thank you! This video was much needed. We just got our EEG results today and now have no medical “reasons” for our fugue states or amnisia so it has solidified our diagnosis more. And still taking in the morning results so definitely have been foggy today! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
💕-Ashlie
As someone who does not have DID, these videos are all so informational. I've met people in my life who I care about with DID and this channel has helped me so much to be able to better understand them and I'm super greatful for it! :)
ooooh i love the looks/editing of this video. feels very legit and youtube-y. professional!
Thank you - we’re getting there very slowly 😂
The cohesion of your makeup and shirt is so lovely. Great job as always!! Brilliant!
Thissssssss! This certainly helped us understand what experience especially at the moment we are experiencing that and it helps to acknowledge that it will be okay, to “ride with the wave” and try to do some things like a nap, cold therapy etc. Thank you for another amazing video. Much loves from us to yous. 🤟🏼
Thank you so much for this- as a new system, the identity confusion has been the hardest part of trying to communicate and work with each other. This video was very helpful and validating.
Just finding out I'm DID with all the trauma remembrance that comes with it .... Most definitely real and very scary. Thank you for being so open and helping us to understand what is happening
it would be interesting to hear you talk about dreams
Yes please, hugely interested in dreamworlds
i looked into osdd videoslast night to find more concise ways to explain the phenomenons ive been experienced and ive been repeatedly floored by how other people know what im talking about and what im feeling because i thught there was no word for so much of this… now my recommended keeps throwing videos at me that are exactly what i experience its jawdropping
I'd also (and mostly, honestly) recommend reading about it. Start with simplified literature, then move on to stuff like peer reviewed articles, meta studies, stats, etc. You got this!
Completely off topic but... I usually assume y’all’s makeup is by Ed? but whoever did this look?? Amazing. Like summer & honey personified! Gonna need a tutorial sometime 💕💕
Thank you for the all the great content. I'm from the UK, and recently got a diagnosis for Complex Trauma and Dissociative Disorder. It was all very confusing at first, but I have found your channel to be informative, empathetic and a great source of self help and realisation. Thank you truly. Keep up the great work.
Thank you so much. I was just diagnosed with OSDD1b and this feels so validating.
You're all helping so much, thank you. I just want to recognise the huge amount of work you've put in to not only studying but healing. I'm at the very beginning of my journey (just diagnosed after suspecting for many years). These videos make us feel much more reassured, and help find ways to communicate with friends about this.
Thank you so much for making this. I can imagine us coming back to this video a lot of the future because this happens to us pretty often aha. Your content has helped us understand our disorder and symptoms more and more, and we can’t thank you and everyone enough 💛💛
We arent diagnosed, but we have been treating whatever we have as DID for about 6 years now. And everytime we are "Blurry" or it goes very quiet in our head we start questioning if it's just a made up thing. Saving this for the next time we start questioning if we are Valid.
Love the video, thank you!
Ever since i was a kid ive known and felt like i wasnt the only one in my body, i talked about it to friends who said i was weird, talked to my parents told them there was a boy in my head named Zack who was very nice and talked to me and helped me and kept me safe, and they didnt believe me, Im now 28, theres more then just me and Zack, It took my friend Nick who has DID, laughing at me saying I was just me, because even He could tell I wasnt but at the same time I worry its all in my head and that im wrong simply because i dont match everything ive seen about DID but i match alot of it and I can tell the difference between my own thoughts and when someone else is talking and I have time missing but sometimes its like Im watching a movie about myself
Managing your symptoms is the most important thing regardless of any label 💗
Have you been diagnosed?
@@juliusroman8616 1. I feel like not only is this a very personal question but a very forward way to word it.
2. Ive gotten differing opinions from multiple different therpists over the years, 2 who said I was, one who said I only had BPD and a third who wasnt quite sure but she left state before we could really work together
Welp, I'm getting used to feeling "Oh, thank god!" after watching one of your videos now. Along with "Okay, so that's *another* of my 'defences' for thinking "Maybe this means I don't have OSDD after all" shot down in flames then." 😁 I don't know why I keep looking for 'outs,' even after being clinically diagnosed... but it's getting to the point where I'm almost out of 'outs' now. Yay progress? 🙂
Anyway, thank you for being such a wealth of information, and covering all the things that aren't usually covered in your videos.
I’m clinically diagnosed (DID tho) too and I tell my therapist often that she’s wrong. She tells me that I think this way because if I have DID, I have trauma (which I mostly don’t remember). And that’s the whole point of the disorder ain’t it? To hide that trauma. So knowing I have DID means knowing something happened. Denying DID means denying something happened. That’s maybe why you’re looking for “outs” too?
@@kat251 Yeah, that makes sense. There are traumatic things I DO remember from my life... but my childhood is filled with SO many holes on top of that; huge chunks of missing memories and unanswered questions. I grew up thinking it was normal for kids to not recognise or remember half the people or places in their lives that their mother insisted they knew very well, and that most peoples' childhood 'memories' consisted of whatever your parents had told you, over and over, was the truth, until what you think you 'remember' is actually just the word-for-word monologues that were repeated to you at the time. I never even realised that's what I was doing with most of my childhood until my therapist tried to get me to picture those 'repeated monologue memories' in my head. I could recount every spoken word of them with pinpoint accuracy - but I couldn't visualise any of what I was talking about, and if my therapist asked me any questions that deviated from the details in the monologue, I had no clue how to answer. My brain is hiding a LOT of things, I think.
@@Maerahn that sounds exactly like my experiences tbh. I didn’t realize til I was 25 that childhood memories are supposed to be in your own POV, not what you remember others telling you about yourself or from like home videos or whatever. I have a lot of trouble picturing things as well, especially people from the past. I’ll just completely forget someone who’s no longer in my life til someone mentions them again
very helpful - i think that 'sitting with it' is the best advice - have someone else call out an alter can be manipulative if it's not meant to be - - -can cause troubles later on - and i do the cold water thing too , i find i love winter because the fresh air will not only clear my head - but help my connection with my other members
Having one of these episodes happening and glad that this is a normal experience. I like the revolving door analogy a lot, thank you for giving me a way to explain this feeling.
Just wanted to say a massive thank you to all you guys for the videos you put out, I suspected I might have this disorder around 5 months ago and recently have been struggling with immense amounts of doubt, thinking that I'm faking which had eventually made my primary protector irritated and insecure therefore unintentionally blocking most communication between us. Many of your videos have assured me that what I am experiencing is valid and real and have helped while on the waiting list for therapy. Thank you for what all you guys do!
Also we are still in high school and will be returning from online school next week, do you have any tips on how to deal with school at the same time?
Miss your videos and everyone in them! Hope all is well in life and looking forward to when you all are able to/feel like posting again!
I'm terrified of saying this, but for some reason this specific video didn't feel like the usual you lot doing it. Maybe you're trying some new style of representing or something, but... This felt like... Just... Not offputting, but... Uhmmm... unfamiliar? I dunno.. Really hard to explain ._. What ever you all do, just (this is such a pun itself) be yourself, talk heart to heart as you've always done. That'll always reach out and touch more people than trying to be 'professional'.
The topic itself, thank you thank you thank you! Very much needed and good. Usually just sat through the blurryness too! Totally feel ya!
Oh that’s really interesting 😯 thank you for the feedback. I don’t think we tried to be anything “new”, but we did use different lighting and sit in a slightly new angle in the room. We also had a play with some new graphic effects! I think those are the main changes we can think of? We actually thought this was a very “personal” rather than professional take as much of the video was from our own experience 🙈 but I’m sorry if that unfamiliarity caused any discomfort! If you happen to put a finger on it, please do let us know! 💗
I felt as if maybe someone was close. Didn't seem 100% Jess to me. But idk
I think it's the angle Jess is sitting at puts her gaze slightly off the camera
@@rhiannawilliams6763 it’s really weird that people will try decipher what alters are present for jess even when it doesn’t make a difference to the information she’s giving
@@MultiplicityAndMe I think I was a bit out of it anyway at that day and yeah, now that I rewatch this, there's in the beginning that "looking away from the camera" (which felt like "looking at someone else" gaze and not the "looking around the room" - which is totally normal to see! ;b We do it too!) that prolly affected me, since I was dealing with feeling invisible.
Usually that's the feeling I get from more "professional" videos too. Not because they look away, but because they don't feel like they're there personally and feel distant.
So, I'd say, I'm sorry I pointed it out like that ;_; Your video is really good for real!
I love seeing your channel evolve! This is a great topic and I'm glad you're covering it. Thank you all for your hard work. I'm wondering if you've spoken about EMDR recently? In any case, always good to see you and hear from you. Take care loves. (Garden)
I just started this EMDR with my therapist 💚
Thank you, so much. Your collective growth and wisdom is awesome, and I have learned a o much from your channel.
I’m very new to this (understanding my OSDD) This was very helpful thank you ❤️
Jess and the boys really do it all: fabulous looks, eloquence and adorableness
I had only heard the word 'deprogramming' to refer to convincing people to leave a 'cult' and get rid of their beliefs associated with the 'cult'.
Stunning, intelligent, eductated, calming, beautiful... Omg I guess I just love you. And on the top of that this was such a useful and insightful video! Thank you🥺❤️❤️
Please add English Closed Captions! I’m Deaf and love your channel, and captions/subtitles allow me to get all of the correct information :) thank you friend
@@laisaviana6761 Automated captions do not always work and they are VERY inaccurate. They are done by computer algorithms, not designed to check the information they put out into the world. I lose lots of information and have been told incorrect things by auto captions.
I am well aware of how the system works.
Your deco wall paper is lovely!! I want it! Also the jumper and eyeshadow are beautiful. Everything is aesthetically *chef’s kiss*. As for video subject, the closest I can get to understanding the blurring is when I have a PTSD episode, and the brain fog and DPDR set in. It’s a really icky feeling. I’m sorry you loves deal with that. Anyone that deals with that.
I think this is why I became so obsessed with taking quizzes when I was younger. I was always upset when I got a result that didn't *feel like me* and would take quizzes multiple times. I would record my answers for myself and then try the test multiple times, picking different choices so I could figure out which questions resulted in certain answers. When I got older, I chalked it up to the test not being reliable or just meant to be taken as light-hearted fun but, now that I know I have a dissociative disorder, I can recognize some of my alters' answers on those sheets. It's a relief, but also kind of upsetting feeling like your own person in a body with so many other people who lived the exact same life as you.
GOSH i relate to this
did you ever make multiple accounts on the same website with different personalities
i did that a lot as a kid... which i now realize is probably a system thing
Wonderful video, Jess! I’m so excited to see how your videos, content, and editing are evolving.
As per usual, such a wonderfully clear articulation/explanation!
You made this video when I desperately needed this video. It was like a hug. Thank you. I’m really struggling with this right now. ❤️
We needed this video so so much. We can't thank you enough for all your efforts ♥️♥️
Love the informational videos, and you all make it so accessible and fun(idk if it’s the right word but feels like it) also through some time watching everything back it’s amazing to see your recovery journey. hope you’re all well be safe be healthy lots of love ❤️ (ps it’s Robin from Gaz’s stream idk why I felt the need to put that in tbh... brain be weird today)
I really needed this video. I've been struggling with this for the past week. Thank you 💙
It’s so nice to see you all! I hope you’re all doing well and thank you for such an informative video as always!! Xx
words cannot express how grateful i am to have learned so much from this channel about DID bc it’s such an incredible thing to learn about how complex the human brain in. i can’t even imagine how hard it can be at times to deal with it but you and the boys do such an amazing job working to heal from the past trauma. much love from Texas 🤍
(side note the eye makeup is incredible!)
I am living for their eye look today! So sunshiney!!
Thank you, all of you, for making these videos. I have DID and you help my system so much. There's 3 of us me, Erik, the host, John, the protector, and Dylan, a caretaker. There's also a bunch of fragments. We don't know how many but my specialist thinks over a dozen. I don't know how that's possible when there's only 3 fully formed identities. We only know 4 of them and can communicate with them. When the fragments we don't know about front, it's pretty scary because one of them is a persecutor fragment that self harms whenever that he/she comes out. Other than that there's no danger in our system. Any advice for us with the persecutor would be much appreciated. Thank you for making this content.