I have BPD, and it makes me really happy that you truly seem to care about helping people with personality disorders. Putting all this information in videos for free to help people with BPD help themselves, and not trying to milk people for money, is really wonderful. Thank you :)
@@spiralcat6376 yeah, but narcissists are demonized, that's a disorder, too. They dont get to choose their families of origin or early environment, or f'd up parenting either. And their parents were probably f'd up in their childhood by their parents. Seems to be transgenerstional. Idn. Just wish I was dead. Then I wouldn't have ANY memory of before birth or after death. I dont believevin an 'afterlife'. Rather, death after life. Those people who have near death experiences don't die. They're 'near' death experiences. The brain can do some weird stuff, when breathing stops. Anyway, Just my 'jaded' opinion. Over 7 billion people on the planet. Everyone has an opinion. Facts speak louder than beliefs, opinions and faith. To each their own. Have a nice day, everyone. Ir a crappy, one. Sometimes, dont have a lot of choice with depression, sadness, anger, and FAILURE at everything for many with mental issues. Even 'healthy' people suffer eventually. If you live long enough you will lose everyone you love. We're all losers in the end. Everyone!
My hub and I "set flags" - We have a little kitchen timer that we set for 5 mins and the "flag" is that if one of is getting too emotionally charged to communicate, we say "I need 5 min" and set the timer. I've noticed that in the first minute, I'm brooding about having to sit with myself. In the second minute, I'm angry with myself for getting triggered. In the third minute, I'm noticing my breathing. In the fourth minute, I'm realizing what caused me to get upset, in a more rational light. By the fifth minute, I'm not as charged, and can either realize where I mis-perceived the situation or can better communicate what it is that I'm struggling with. This is not a system I've established, but what I've noticed happening, internally, during those five minutes. Thank you Dr. Fox!
These comments make me feel so normal. I'm so used to feeling like a "crazy person" during my episodes. I'll get angry and lash out in horrific ways and feel so guilty afterward. I've hurt people I love and myself. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just want to heal and get better.
I have BPD and I really struggle with the stop. It’s like once I am triggered, I go to 100 so quick before i even can stop. i don’t wanna keep freaking out and going off and hurting people i love.
This is the first time I've heard BPD advice that wasn't villanizing and considered both the BPD individual and the supporter. I ordered your book immediately after listening to these videos. After fifteen years of dealing with BPD with no supportive, professional help, it's amazing to hear a mental professional address BPD in an empowering way with empathy and positivity and offer skills and tools to change. These offer a lot of hope for a very stigmatized group, so thank you for sharing these. I'll be watching your videos from here on.
Marie Williams you should also check out a channel called garlach on UA-cam and what he has to say about bpd and self help for free. Really a lovely person and therapist.
“If you are arguing for more than a few minutes, you’re not arguing about what you think you’re arguing about, you’re arguing about the relationship.” Brilliant! What a helpful insight. 🙏
What if they have no awareness of their disorder and keep turning it around on you ? Saying that it’s you who is the crazy one . I find that so frustrating.
@@soulconnections_uk2848that still is about wanting to be heard/understood/seen...which at the root is wanting to be accepted and loved. That is deeply relational. If we don't care about the relationship, we'd drop it...usually. Due to being unaware of ineffective communication patterns, and going on repeat, is frustrating for both sides & deceases the chances of being heard. Repeating won't help. Making sure that you are emotionally regulated, straightforward, clear, and state what you are wanting out of the interaction...can be hard, especially if many of us have developed maladaptive communication patterns.
being with a person with bpd can be so draining.... they can be so horrible and toxic but you know its not their fault and try to help and patience patience patience.....you really need an unimaginable amount of love for them and still struggle to keep yourself together.... listening to this video made me feel an intense pain in my stomach thinking of the outbursts sometimes... what he said yes, describes them well but doesnt go anywhere near the emotional torture the BPDs partner sometimes has to go through.... and stay strong....
My former partner when he was splitting he made fictitious stories about something that they started to believe it. And then you realize they are dissociated from the reality. It was when i realized he was BPD. I felt walking on eggshells all the time. You cannot say anything because either positive or negative. It triggered them with extreme behavior, like an emotional rollercoaster
Same…but also struggle because a lot of the episodes are his attempts to get sympathy and every flavor of emotional manipulation is flung, ending with pleading for forgiveness in the end. I am clear that l am feeding the cycle when l stay through it all and forgive after. It’s a hard one.
It's so hard to read this but I'm glad you are here to learn and understand. My ex-wife said the exact phrases "walking on eggshells" and "rollercoaster" when she left. She suspected I had BPD when I had previously been diagnosed with Bipolar depressive. My therapist is in agreement that she was probably right. I just wish I could have known this and that she communicated how much it hurt her sooner. I am responsible, not her. I wish I could have, gotten medication, and learned the coping mechanisms I really needed before I destroyed the marriage that was such a beautiful thing and I truly needed. I hope things are better for you now. We don't want to hurt others, we just want to be loved and show love. It's so painful to know how difficult my life will permanently be because of my disorder.
Being around my bpd mother is absolutely exhausting and makes my autoimmune condition worse. All of this work is constant adjustment for them. After all of the abuse and you still have to sacrifice yourself for them. It’s just too much sometimes.
And they don't even see or recognize our sacrifices. I told her, that the one thing that gave me hope was her one day her seeing and realizing that I was always there, NOT yelling back, or running for the hills, and thanking me for my patience. Her response was, "why should I be thanking you? You were the one pissing me off!"
Omg thank you so so much, I'm SO volatile, it's terrifying! I feel like I have zero control over my anger, it's so explosive. And, like you said before, my pride gets in the way and I can't back down! It's so impossible when I live with my trigger😖
Dana Gahtdinütah 💙💙💙 the guilt afterwards is the worst. I feel like I have no control over my life 😭😭😭 I'm 37, and my BPD is still in charge. Worst of all, no one understands and they fully believe I'm CHOOSING to act like that, like I like flipping out and hurting people🤦🏻♀️ when I explode, I swear I black out- I look like the pro football players with concussion syndrome, it's bad. I've been single for years because of it too- despite being on a bunch of meds and seeing a therapist and psych doc weekly! I was terrified when I posted my original comment, fear of rejection and all that. You and the other responses, have made me feel not so lost 💙 thank you. I am so so so sorry that you deal with explosive anger too, I can truly relate to the guilt, shame, embarrassment, judgment, etc. I hope you find things that help- yoga and meditation DO help when I do them lol- I believe in you too 💙💙💙
I have a rule now that I am aware of being triggered. When I say "I have to stop now" we stop. That's it. Now I can step away before I say or do something destructive.
As a person with diagnosed BPD, depression, and anxiety (all separated, so it seems it's not just symptoms of the bpd?) by three psychiatrists and just recently diagnosed with Autism too. It's been extremely hard, for a span of years my symptoms were so severe I couldn't even dress myself without losing it. I was literally just barely surviving with the help of family watching me and helping make sure I didn't try to commit suicide. I'm so lucky I had them as family, they loved me no matter how "crazy" I was, and though I hurt relationships with my bro and sis in law, now that I've had years of treatment and DBT (and still seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, and a DBT coach regularly) I am able to repair relationships now, and every year I see a big difference. It's slow, but really steady. I now am able to HOLD a parttime job, something I wouldn't have thought possible three years ago. I'm able to be helpful to my neighbor and my parents, and my parents help me mentally and with certain tasks around the house as I still can't care for myself properly yet. Baby steps! Your "Favorite Person" video was especially really helpful for me right now, because I'm battling the unhealthy issues that came from that with my best friend who is like a sister to me, I love her absolutely to pieces, but am also constantly jealous because I'm afraid she'll abandon me for anyone else who is easier to deal with. I had a significant breakthrough, though. I realized that the core issue was I felt like I had nothing to offer her but stress. There was nothing good from me to possibly make up for my illness. I felt like I had to constantly try to make up for being mentally ill and having BPD, like I was a curse on anyone who cared for me. When I realized the core of it all was that, all those extra things stopped grating on me, and I was able to address it. I outright asked both my parents and my best friend if there was anything about me I could offer anyone, and that I couldn't see anything. What they told me had me crying tears of relief and joy, because I found out I DO give a lot. That my love and devotion, but compassion and empathy, are all extremely important and mean a lot to them. And they don't think my illness makes me less lovable. They don't even see it as me, but just a tag-along that I have to contend with. Partly why I'm writing this huge post, is because I hope someone else who is struggling with those same fears of being worth nothing and only a burden will read this, and it will help them realize that our perspective due to BPD is skewed, and we miss very important things like our own worth. We think it's fact that we are just a burden and give nothing back, but we have so much more to give than we know. I've been abandoned constantly by everyone but my parents, even my bro and sis in law pulled away to a large extent, so I'm terrified of being left. But realizing that I really am giving back, has calmed so much of that fear, the fear that was causing problem behaviors that actually caused a lot of the damage that tended to drive people off. We're actually capable of so much more good than we realize.
Whoa, that was really lovely. Thanks for taking the time. I have a question: How do you hold that "evidence" of what you bring to the table in the forefront of your mind over the long term? I ask because I've struggled with the same theme, that I will always be the underdog in all of my relationships, that since I'm the "unhealthy" one, the other person will always be sort of in charge or right about things. But then I'll go through a phase where I am more aware of my worth, understand what people like and value about me, and also see that others have struggles of their own, they're just different than mine, no better, no worse. BUT when I'm in a low phase, like right now (I do not do autumn), I can't see the forest through the trees, and feel sure that my friends and family and bosses are always like, "Oh, shit. Time to deal with HER again," and I can't access the "I'm a really cool person with a few sort of annoying tendencies, which I'm working on, but the people who love me love me anyway" part of things. Today, for example, I've done nothing, no work,no shower, no texts, calls, emails....just totally in my head about how unsuccessful I am in life and how I will die alone in an alley. How do you keep your thoughts consistently clean?
@@camez2345 I relate so hard with this, honestly, and though I haven't perfected it, I will tell you what's worked for me in those low points to stop me from going quite so low until I can pull myself up again with the help of others. :) One thing is to get confirmation at times from others of your qualities, and remember them, and remember that your emotions will cloud it and try to warp the vision of it to hold less meaning. Remember that is your emotions, not fact. Even when it's hard, put your trust in the idea that the good things are truly what they think of you. You can't win a battle with yourself of "What ifs", and though it's very difficult, stop that train of thought and tell it you won't waste your time on it. It's of no benefit, therefor, not worth your headspace when you can fill it with better things that will help you or make you happy. Also know that improving your vision of yourself has a surprising effect of shining on those around you. The better you view yourself, even if just a bit, it shows to others around you in a positive way and may even help boost them a little :) Remember that goals are finite and should purely apply to your happiness, not what others think is "Worth setting for". My goals are very small, I want to have an excellent relationship with those I love, spend my life as a dog mom, and enjoy my hobbies while working a part-time job because that's what's realistic for me, and I realized these small goals make me way happier than any lofty and big plans. These things can be achieved, and are at your doorstep- something you can begin working on immediately, which is why I picked them, and it's the real joy for me, and even if this was all I achieved, I will be content with that. :) You will have seasons in your moods and mind(Even extreme ones), it's totally normal, just know that striving is a slow process, the goal is to do better this time than last time, even if only by a bit, and keep reaching for that bit of progress and notice when you achieved it and celebrate that. Focus on it, and the now, and you will cover more ground than if you always stared at the very end and thinking about how far away it is, instead of what's right in front of you that you can focus on now. ^_^ Hope this helped, if not, ask away and I will try to answer :) I'm definitely no pro and still learning, though.
I've become so unresponsive to my mothers rages that I am basically inert. As soon as she starts ranting (in person or via text message), I switch completely off and disconnect. It's a defence mechanism from early in life. I'm trying to learn to act to the behaviour in a way that protects me, but doesn't make the situation worse. The emotional turmoil she is going through is an onslaught- there is no room for me. I feel like a robot when I try and reflect the feelings back to her. It takes all my effort not to say- I'm sorry you feel that way (which seems especially cold and disconnected).
The amount of meltdowns that could have been avoided when I was younger if only the adults in my life had more emotional intelligence and less judgement x.x
It's difficult to disengage when someone has gone to rage in 2.5 seconds and is throwing cutlery at you. I learnt to leave the house STRAIGHT AWAY. Stay safe everyone. No woman deserves to live in fear. Great content Dr. Fox
My experience: 1) Vast majority of people will use your confession of having BPD to manipulate your boundaries. 2) Having BPD (for examole - in a rapidly shifting environment that includes individuals who wish harm upon you) can sometimes be advantageous.
Sometimes it’s like I don’t want to and I can’t wait a minute! I just want to tell what I feel..then I regreat and I think “I should have waited before talking to the person” Gotta learn!!! 😬
You just explained me! As a BPD I am as chronic over sharer, mindfulness and prayer have helped with that. I have even shared stuff about medications that I wanted to be kept private Just know you are not the only one who does this. Look in BPD over sharing and intimacy issues. Do you have a noisy chattering mind?
Yes! Sometimes I tell what I needed to and in my mind I keep fighting with the person! And this makes me very nervous! It happened to me today! I feel like the other is against me and that wants to bother me and my mind doesn’t stop and I start to eat a lot!!! It’s crazy!! And I try to stop and just feel what I have to but sometimes it’s hard!!! About over sharing, just keep in mind that: we are learning!!! It will get better!!
I want to try the timer for 10 mins. I hate myself deeply for lashing on my partner I cannot express the shame and guilt that later surfaces. Once an episode has passed I’m able to think rationally I do not ever identity with how I feel or the opinions towards them that I felt during that episode. I feel incredibly embarrassed and wish for my existence to seize. I am crying for the words I have said and hurt I have caused my loved one. Thank you Dr. Fox! I agree distraction is key. Leaving for a walk/ run. I am looking forward to getting a timer. I can chuck my phone under my bed walk into another room crank the timer to 10 mins and avoid over reacting. I’d do anything to manage splitting.
When I've exploded in the past, part of me was so stubbornly convinced (temporarily) that my partner was against me, didn't love me, wanted to leave me, hated me, and so on, that the more rational thoughts like "This could all be over in a second if I stop now" or "Later you'll regret behaving like this" were overpowered by the overwhelming NEED to get how I felt OUT. I finally learned that getting my (irrational) feelings out right at that moment was hugely detrimental to all parties involved, including me.
That’s what my boyfriend does and it triggers me even more. “Coldness” is the worst. I also understand him But not when I am triggered. Tragic. But empathy and goodness and warmth can conquer it all, but it takes an effort to be willing to stay soft, warm and humble. Practicing loving kindness helps
Wow. After two years of having my heart broken....someone I really really loved, I hear this and it's SO MUCH WORK. Only now I'm begining to be glad that our relationship didn't work out because it would have completely overwhelmed me to maintain it. If you're reading this and you got dumped by the BPD love of your life Mazal Tov!
Well more fool you for been weak minded and not seeing she was worth fighting for. You come across extremely weak and I wouldn't want to be with you. You seem to run for cover and thats why you will only get very ugly woman sorry but truth hurts pal.
Okay, so there were (II) two things which resonated with me and the the greatest takeaways. (1.) Impaired Insight (2.) Present Centered/Focused I am typically very well aware of my "Impaired Insight" and because I am, it causes me to beat myself up... thinking all sort of horrible things knowning it is me with the personality disorder. Which leads into the problem with being "Present Centered/Focus." It's damn near impossible for me. My mind at the moment is equivalent to the speed of light.
I had a breakthrough when I was having an episode when I realized I COULD control myself. I CAN do nothing externally no matter what I am feeling and it WILL be okay. I am not a victim of my emotions or victim of life. I can not control life but I CAN control my actions. It IS OKAY to have feelings and to feel them. Give yourself the grace to be person and feel whatever you feel. It’s okay to be mad and it’s okay if someone else is mad at you. IT WILL BE OKAY
Dr. Fox, I have a caretaker/codependent complex and so I have tons of experience with borderlines/narcissists. They basically see me the way a starving dog sees a juicy steak. My guilt has driven me to try these tips for trying to deescalate their episodes. But they don't seem to work...ever. Literally the only thing that works is apologizing (for what? who knows) and placating, followed up by trivializing her episode. Literally all else is taken as "you hate me so now I hate you". My codependent complex tells me to stick it out and keep trying. If you love someone then you endure their abuse and keep trying to help them get better, right? It's not her fault, I don't want to give up on the relationship, and I'm also at fault. On the other hand, if she can't even accept that something is wrong then she won't improve. One ex flew would fly right into an episode if I brought up the possibility that there was a disorder present. So obviously she was not going to get better. But another accepted the possibility that she had BPD so I stayed with her. But she couldn't/wouldn't seek treatment. She would trivialize her abusive behavior, apologize, and then expect it to be all better. Do you have a video on how much abuse we should put up with before we throw in the towel? What kind of evidence would we see from a borderline partner that indicates that there might be some improvement in the future?
Following this to see any responses since I'm in the same boat. I just put two and two together that the person I've loved for the past 10 years most likely has BPD. I feel guilty that I haven't handled it in the right ways, since I struggle with CPTSD from childhood and a string of manipulative, abusive interpersonal relationships with SOs and friends. I keep thinking she's intentionally trying to hurt me or gaslight me, since I've been in a relationship with an NPD and my family was never honest about the abuse that occurred. It's been hard for me to wrap my head around how she can misremember things so dramatically, take anything I say or any little motion my face makes as me lying to her, she's thoroughly convinced herself that I'm a thief even though I've never stolen from her, and it's gotten to the point where she gets violent if I try to say something she doesn't want to hear. She's also an alcoholic and it gets worse when she drinks. I've tried to get her to stop but not even getting violent with me or embarrassing herself in front of people has been enough. I don't know how to approach her. I want to learn and try these techniques but I know if I bring up the possibility of her having BPD, she'll explode. If I leave her alone, she'll get angry and accuse me of ignoring her. If I try to talk to her, she'll get angry unless I agree that I deserved the physical and verbal abuse and "admit" I stole from her. Yesterday morning I told her I wasn't getting her alcohol because she had attacked me, and I wasn't about to potentially put myself in danger again. She told me I'm "supposed" to go get it for her (it's one of her routines) and that if I didn't she "didn't need anything from me" and wouldn't speak to me again. We live together, but so far she's deactivated her fb (the main way we communicate other than face to face), and we haven't gotten a chance to talk or interact. Yet she still pulls attention-seeking tactics like leaving her door open with her music on when she knows I need to sleep, making little inflammatory comments if she walks through the living room, accusing me of "making her chase me" if we have a fight and I go to my space instead of hers, ect. It feels like she doesn't realize how badly she's hurting me and the relationship and I want to believe that's the case and that there's hope..
@@NexLegacyAccount I'm sorry you have suffered the abuse. I also have been abusive, and so ashamed and guilty, I have tried suicide three times, and was angry that a family member called an ambulance and the hospital pumped my stomach of the benzos. I had asked the her if she would come over the next day to watch my dogs cause I wanted to go out of town. Apparently she thought something was amiss and came over a couple hrs later, saw me unconscious and called for an ambulance. I was told days later, that if she had found me just a couple hrs. later, I would have died. I was ANGRY because I didn't want to live anymore. I had hurt too many people. I wish you healing. I wish I was dead..
If someone realises that they have a personality disorder, they should seek treatment. If they can't afford it, that is a different issue. The main point is that they should work on themselves by making use of every resource they have at their hands. They should be humble enough to challenge their own thoughts and beliefs.
wow...that was thr most relatable thing i have ever seen.... the 'you hate me now i hate you' resonated so much especially.... i hate that the most... how they always doubt your love, how they take you trying to solve issues always calmly and lovingly, as a threat, turning the tables around on you and then saying youre harsh... calling you names even and wanting you to apologise.... yeah...for what...? i used to doubt myself until i got proof from many people i never say anything harsh and only try to usually ask for an apology...it hurts when you love someone and give them your ALL, blood sweat and tears, walk on eggshells trying to ask them as lovingly as possible to see how hurt you are for them to say that YOU dont love them and YOU hate them.... and broken, lying on the ground helpless..begging for understanding you just get more lashing out...and then need to apologise.... understanding they REALLY dont get you love them helps to keep on trying but doesnt take away the hurt.... it also felt really personal when you said 'If you love someone then you endure their abuse and keep trying to help them get better, right? It's not her fault, I don't want to give up on the relationship, and I'm also at fault.' its like you looked inside my head. im constantly having those thoughts, feeling like im on the verge of a mental breakdown but also some magical love and hope keeping me up, making me try over and over again... enduring everything... where i start to question things and if i should even stay its s o hard... its so so hard.... but then the hope and love kicks in again.... and its a cycle that never ends but i feel like im slowly dying inside... i also wonder, is it common for people with BPD to want alone time? thats good right?
@@samgrest5860 bro i feel you. i've decided that i'm not going to stay with a person with BPD ever again. once I find out that they have it, I'm gone. and if i decide to take the risk in the future then I'm going definitely going to avoid moving in, marrying, or unprotected sex. the problem is that some of us have to be ready to be single, possibly forever. we just dont have the looks and money to be choosy. but i promise, being single is way better then being with a BPD/narcissist. we can't help them by remaining with them. they have to hit rock bottom and be abandoned by everyone in their lives. and then maybe they will wake up a bit.
I have a particularly hard time talking to my mom in times where I desperately need her help or support. She will accept my request and offer the support, but when we put the conversation into action, I cannot seem to get past the feelings of abandonment I felt as a child when she didn't protect me. A lot of times the communication fails because she gets frustrated with me, I perceive her frustration, and I feel scared that she will abandon me again, so I regress to childlike behaviors. A lot of times she also refers to my behaviors as if I was still that 17 year old girl. I feel like she doesn't see "present" me. A lot of times, she starts talking over me and interrupting me. I tell her she's interrupting me and that it's hurting my feelings, but it doesn't seem to stop her from doing that. I want to have healthy communication with her without devolving into poor communication. Do you have any suggestions for what could help us? Thanks, Rachel
I have EXACTLY the same issues. I was adopted at birth, then had my white picnic fence childhood ripped away from me when my adoptive father had a severe midlife crisis & crushed my mother & walked away from her after 18 yrs & left me at 8 yrs old, my brother whom he had adopted and raised since under 6yrs old from his biological dad (my adoptive moms exhusband) , was 24 at the time and lived on his own. We all became the shit on the bottom of his shoes and I saw every physical fight, heard every nasty hateful thoughts, fed lies from both sides, watched my mom barely survive, while my dad and his new wife lived out their dreams...I resent both of them, dad gave up trying with me when I got married at 20 and pregnant by 21, divorced by 24. And my final straw with my mother has fell, but I still feel so guilty for leaving her like everyone else has...but she doesnt understand what I need to heal and doesnt care about anything I have to say if it's not up to her standards or what she sees at correct or believes to be right...shes convinced my daughter bad men will break into the house at night and take me, so bad my 7 yr old still wakes multiple times a night in a panic screaming for me and goes right back to sleep as soon as I'm back in her bed. And is too scared to play with the neighborhood kids she longingly watches everyday from our yard bc grandma says it's not safe and they are strangers (she rides the bus with these kids everyday) no matter how much I try to coax her into just riding her up and down our 1/4 of a mile dead end dirt road (of which is all kids, member of our multiplex blended family, long time personal friends, and even a teacher from her school...nothing for her to be so scared of....I'm at a loss and itbpisses me off so bad I want nothing to do with anyone from my family...bc they dont understand why they piss me off so bad
i hve bpd, now middle aged. i dont even get angey anymore. i dont even get mad. annoyed maybe but thats it at its worst. what helped me… i realized others have mental stuff going on and when i think they are being mean or negative i ask them if they are okay or need help, 9/10 times the other person is struggling themselves.
Unconditional love from a BPD is worth it. I promise. Consistency is gold. My trigger is mostly the lack thereof from others and it confuses me. I’m so consistent that it is painful.
I have an “I’ll tell you” rule that I try to follow with all of my relationships. If something is bothering me, I find an appropriate time to tell the person it involves so that I can keep myself calm and not explode so much (I was introduced to the idea by The Minimalists).
I have that too though about all aspects. Whether its good bad venting or anything, i will tell someone if needed. Unfortunately this now means if i have no one there to tell them about my day i get overwhelmed with loneliness. I need to channel that into journalling
When my girlfriend and I get into an argument I tend to shut down and get very anxious, and I notice that it leads to her getting more upset. It wasn't until this video that I'm able to recognize that my high energy may have triggered her. I'll try to calm down when tension arises again, thank you for the great video.
I understand, and have tried to be compassionate, but I am at the end of my tether. I am tired of backing down and saying "I understand you are upset with something I have done. Please tell me what it is, so I can try not to do it again." I will get shifting sand, moving goal posts, and no direct answer or specific action or words that I have done. More recently I get the answer "if I tell you, you will be upset." My answer to that is "I will be upset if you don't tell me!" and I know that is a bit of a threat, but it is true. A lot of the time, the trigger is so unreasonable, such as I kissed my daughter goodnight and spent time talking with her, that the jealousy of my partner is recognized as unreasonable. The anger in her remains for hours, and I am tired of trying to get an answer as to what was the trigger and why I should put up with the same irrational trigger, time and time again. I keep thinking this is the last straw. We have arguments 2 to 3 times a day... why am I still with this person? What is wrong with me to think this will change?
I am sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what outcome you are after but maybe you need to ask yourself a few questions to see what is the best thing for you and your daughter. Your daughter is priority in this situation, so I'd always do what is in the best interest for her. Here are a few questions to consider. Do you depend on each other financially? Will the finances affect your daughter? Does your partner undertake any therapy? Would it maybe be worth going back into therapy? There are so many questions you need to ask yourself I think to see if you are making the right decision. How will it affect your daughter if you leave? Does she like/get on with your partner? Is there any bond between them or is it really just a competition for your attention between them both. Give me some more information on what your current thoughts are regarding your situation so I can help further. Hope all is well :)
@@joshy2joshy Oh my goodness, Josh. I didn't realize someone had responded to this! My apologies for the delay! My partner and I have been to 15 or more counselling sessions together, and she has been on her own for a few. We were told by the latest counsellor that we were not good together, and we should go our separate ways. If it helps, she is 46 and I am 52, and there are no financial ties between us, but my partner wants to move in with me. I will not allow it, as she has 2 children, and I have 2 as well. There is not enough room, as well as the fact that my daughter and her do not get a long. They do on a superficial level, but there is tension. I originally thought my partner had BPD, so I convinced her to go to get tested. To her credit, she went and spent 4 hours at the clinic. I picked her up and she was visibly upset and angry. Eventually she told me she did not have BPD, but might be on the spectrum with other issues. I don't know what to believe, as she has never shown me the results of the 4 hour, $500 test, so I haven't paid her what I agreed to pay. She has brushed it under the rug. Our councillor told us, we should look at the result together. But that never happened. We are still together despite me breaking up with her several times. She always comes back to my door, and I am too weak (co-dependant?) to turn her away. She is trying to improve, and I can see her fight her emotions, but it almost always spills out into a angry tirade at me... mostly related to jealousy (mainly my daughter, as I have lost my other female friends due to this relationship), and Separation Anxiety (whenever I go back to my home to my kids, she get angry and we argue). Every time I leave her, she picks a fight. Thank you for supporting me in my thoughts that absolutely, my 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son are my priority. We have been together for 3 years now, and we are great together as long as I don't talk about my kids (my daughter), what they are doing, etc. If I say I need to spend time with them, she is angry, and starts an emotional argument with me. I have lost my friends as she wants to be with me all the time, and gets upset if I want to see them instead of her. I have to tell her if they communicate with me. Why are we together still? The sex is great and we are compatible. She is very loving and loves animals like I do. She is active and enjoys our workouts together. We have many things in common,... but every day outdoors, there is slight tension. I can see it in her face, her jaw tightens and she cannot touch me when I hug her. The jealousy when any female is nearby. I have to look the other way and pretend I didn't see anyone. I have conditioned myself to look the other way if another woman is nearby. I feel I am walking on eggshells. I agree that it is disrespectful to look at another woman when you are with a partner, so I am conscious of that. But it should apply to both. I don't look at other women, but she still starts an argument if any female is nearby. I am throughly embarrassed in those situations. I am not looking, but what does she think I am going to do? Go up to some random female while she is there, and start a new relationship? Seriously? I am walking on eggshells, so worried that she is going to explode that there is no way I will look at women.... but this happens even if there is young girl we pass on a hiking trail! The embarrassing tirade follows within earshot of the family we pass. So thoroughly embarrassing for them and me. When confronted about it, she shifts the topic to what I did wrong. I sped up and didn't want to be with her on the return to the car, as I didn't want an earful of abuse. I knew I wouldn't be able to calm her on the trail and I wanted it to stop. So I sped up, and waited for her in the car. She was furious and refused to answer any questions as to why she did what she did and my resulting behaviour. No ability to accept responsibility. Shifting the topic away from her outburst. There are many, many examples of this. I am sorry to write so much but I am sincerely appreciative of any insight or suggestions.
@@ccar1332 Thank for your your reply and no problem about the wait :) I am by no means a relationship expert. I think you are aware of the issues, you can see them. It's just a matter of standing up for yourself and being able to be yourself. I'm in for a stress-free life and I will do whatever I have to do to reduce my stress. If someone isn't going to talk to me properly. I will inform them in a kind and caring way that I am not happy with the way I'm being treated. If they so wish to not listen to me, they will get a few more reminders and if they don't make a conscious effort to put it right then I can't be bothered. This is coming from a man who once felt like the only source of happiness in life was from a partner. I don't believe that anymore. Mostly because relying on another living breathing human for my own happiness is generally ineffective. I've more resorted to expanding my friend library and now I have lots of friends to talk to. I used to try to make sure others were always happy, but what about me? I need to be happy too, how can I make others happy if i'm not happy? It's things like that which have driven me to start thinking about the world in a different way. My old ways were in fact not selfless but selfish. I was only kind to expect the same in return. Now I am kind and don't expect anything, set the dynamic in friendships in a healthy way from the get go and it's much easier. When you have already got used to the relationship in the way you have set it, it's much harder to change unless it's something you both want. It's very hard :C I'm not a relationship expert but all I can say is don't let her control you and your actions. A healthy relationship is about acceptance. Where you get to be you and exactly how you want to be and you are accepted for that. Right now you are not being yourself as you have to cater to her needs and it's not like she is even compromising from the sounds of it. It's only "you" doing things wrong. I hope that helps -Josh
Worse think is when the other person isn’t able to respect your need for some silence time while arguing. You tell them to leave your room or you leave first) but they just start arguing harder and yell at you that you are crazy etc. And then it’s either a mutual fight or you let them scream while you sit there with poker face while slowly dying inside.
With my bpd I would feel like I’m being manipulated and that I’m not loved by anyone and that I’ll be rejected forever. This advice has gone further than therapy has for many years. I hate having bpd and I don’t want to hurt anyone and even lose my job 😢
I loved this video. I thought I was doing a good job trying to manage the moments when my borderline husband gets agitated and explodes, but things still escalate almost every time. After listening to this, I realize that how I’m handling my side can and does make things worse. Now I know what I can try to do differently to help de-escalate things. Thank you!
I’ve tried all these strategies though and it has not worked at all. If they aren’t in therapy I find there is zero you can do to stop the rages aimed at you
Never been diagnosed, just heard about this. I become so angry that i can't do these steps fast enough. Just explosive in less than half a second. Uuggg
I have BPD. I’ve been in therapy for fifteen years. I have no idea how insane I would be without my constant effort to improve. But that’s one thing about those of us with this disorder. We work very hard to try to improve. Not all of us, but a lot of us
What makes the situation worse is when your partner knows exactly what sets you off and deliberately triggers you. This puts them in a position of power in the relationship by putting them in the position of "forgiver", which often is withheld in a quest for control and power. I've experienced this numerous times. It also enables them to become the center of attention and sympathy from their friends. Times I've tried to "take a minute" as previously agreed resulted in the other person refusing to let me step away and physically trying to restrain me from leaving when sn argument ensued.
The part that resonated with me was the "speak in a low dull tone" because I discovered that technique on my own when I was trying to communicate with my past partner, because too many times was I becoming upset and matching his emotional outbursts when he didn't restrain himself in mutual arguments. So I thought I would give it a try, but what I was met with was an opposite response then what I had imagined happening. After awhile he would become upset that I was talking "down to him" similarly to a child and his emotional volume didn't subside. Though I can see how keeping a low tone and not giving emotional inflections can be seen as talking down to a degree...and in all reality my sassy brain still thinks "well if you acted like an adult I wouldn't have to talk like this now would I" Just hearing him say that, and not giving that level of sass back really made me feel like I had painted myself into an emotional corner. Because no matter how I tried to communicate I still ended up getting triggered and loosing my cool because I either talked to fast due to him constantly cutting me off or talked down to him to save my own emotional energy AND not feeling like I could tell him those truths or how it was making me feel without pushing him further into his pissy attitude, and the issue that we were trying to resolve is put on the back burner or never dealt with. At the end of the day these wonderful and great techniques will only work if everyone is willing and able to take a moment, reflect without emotion, and then try and perceive the opposite view point. If not then it's all just wasted energy...
Essential oils really help me come back from switching or calm down a panic attack or meltdown. Idk what it is, but that part of my brain being activated distracts my emotions for a second and turns them down a notch
I have a fuzzy fleece purple robe that has a hood that i have become so attatched too its FUNNY I actually hate the way other things feel on my skin and have trouble wearing anything else NOW hahah
What do you do if arguments feel like life or death? I’ve lost numerous long term friendships because I’d escalate fights out of a need to “win”-at any cost, including that of the friendship. I see everything as winner or loser, superior vs inferior. If I don’t “win,” I feel inferior. I can’t handle losing. This is totally self defeating and I completely acknowledge that, but when I feel threatened I simply lose all control and rationality. Your tea kettle analogy is so accurate. I can sometimes resist responding for a few minutes, even a few hours, but eventually the rage builds and builds and I lash out and it always escalates to brutal name calling and unbelievably below the belt fights. I feel helpless to this cycle.
Same...ditto... yup! Makes me wonder if I have Narcussistic Personality Disorder. And everyone knows how people 'feel towards narcissists. Hated. No one gets to choose their family of origin. My entire family is dysfunctional. Bible 'Belt', raised 'southern. Ha ha. Spare the rod, spoil the child, BS. Yeah, the bible condones beating your kids,along with a lot of other stuff. Having gays, promoting slavery, genocide, sexism, you name it. No longer 'believe in god'. We need to believe in ourselves. BUT... god loves us Whatever, lol. Whatever, I'm done. Evolution is fact, not theory. No, I am not gonna debate it, too ill for that, so I dont care what anyone else 'believes'. People are free to believe whatever 'comforts' them. Have a nice day, good day, or crappy day, let each one decide.
I’m just now starting to accept my BPD. It has controlled my life for years now, and I so tired of living this way and hurting others. I have had a self-harm addiction (side effect of my BPD) since I was 13 (am 19 now), and truly want to overcome this addiction and more importantly this disorder. I don’t know if anyone who has BPD or is on the spectrum can relate to this, but sometimes I get so emotionally abusive it scares me. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but when I go from my 0 to 100 I am the most vile human being, I even hate myself. I want to treat him better and treat myself better. He knows I have BPD and he is supportive, but I know that doesnt take any pain or hurt away from when I explode. Tonight was one of my worst “explosions” yet. I truly am so glad that I found a community that is supportive and accepting, and understands that we don’t like the monsters that we can become, but rather that we suffer because we can’t control our disorders. I am officially going to start helping myself and being a better person for me first, and everybody else second. I don’t want to ever feel as low as I have this past week again. ❤️
shame perpetuates self harm and without forgiveness, both to yourself and others you won’t be able to get out of the cycle of shame that leads to self sabotage and all the anger you carry around. Try to forgive yourself and those that have wrong you, if they haven’t apologized, try to accept it and not hold on. Difficult to achieve but if you focus on forgiveness you might find more peace
After years of practice with my boyfriend we have found a way to get me to calm down when I am angry. We see my anger as a flame that really wants to burn everything around it down to the ground. Basic chemistry teaches us that for a flame to burn there needs to be oxygen. Picture my boyfriend as the oxygen that keeps on feeding my angry flame. To stop this I say that I am going for a walk or remove myself from the situation in any other way. Sooner or later I will calm down because I have nothing to throw my anger at. When I am calm again I come back to him and we talk about what is really going on, because most of the time my anger is really just intense sadness. It took me so long to be able to do this, but now I am more practised in it I can usually calm down within 15 minutes.
Im very grateful for your videos. Lol I’m diagnosed with bpd and it’s nice to be able to watch videos that may or can help me with my illness because I feel lost and go into a spiral but always run to your videos for support and assistance! Thank you again
I simply try see from her point of view not just my own. Which took loads of practise as im ADHD but I was a bouncer for years and developed a skill in talking peouple down. This skill keeps us in a relationship.
So cool, my partner has also adhd and really triggers me a lot and is not always good at helping coming down. I tried to understand how he is wired but it still hurts that he still triggers me so often although I know it’s not on purpose. It doesn’t help 😢
Mila VB That can definitely be the case. In fact, in many cases, someone develops BPD as a result of traumatic experiences with a family member. Sadly, the best thing to do is keep a certain distance (and possibly even cut communication), even if they are family. If you find that they do more harm than good, then try to keep a certain distance from them (like only talking every so often, and maybe try to avoid topics or areas that you recognize are highly triggering for you, or maybe being careful how much you confide in them if you find they use things against you later, etc.). I know how hard it can be. I hope my advice helps you some.
Mila VB. From my experience, I think you are obsessively zeroing in on your target. Those incidents are not accidental but a predictive and repeating pattern. My daughter can not stand her father’s presence or even just a sound of him in the other room. He has flaws that she can not tolerate (being a perfectionist). She did not have traumatic experiences with him but feels traumatized and abused because they clashed frequently and intensely. Having similar personalities, they could not be able to get out of the verbal clinch. The situation is much better now when she is studying away from home. They are texting love and hearts to each other. When at home, my daughter is trying to spend time with her father, with more or less success. With time, they will learn to accept themselves as they are. Obsessing is hard to break - start with small exposures and use a lot of distractions to trick your super-focused mind. It’s ok to fail, you will get better.
@@ElizavyetaZoneand Alisha are correct. Avoid him/her like the corona virus. If you can't, then be as polite as possible while still asserting your right to take care number one and telling him/her "thanks, but I'll do this instead". This is very difficult for me because of my own complex (codependency). I feel agonizing guilt for not saving/fixing/rescuing/caretaking. And more guilt for blind-siding people when I've remained quiet so long and then suddenly put my foot down. But we must protect ourselves from those who can't/won't find treatment for their illnesses. It's not much different than walking away from a sick person on the bus who is coughing all over you. You can't heal them, but you can walk away and hopefully they will feel more inclined to find healing. Maybe they will find Dr. Fox' channel and start the process.
@Emily Wheeler narcissists dont get to choose their parents either. It's transgenerational. I dont have the answers. I have done things that I don't even know 'why'. Just wish I was dead, because of hurt. Others to me, me to others. Sometimes I think i might be a psychopath or sociopath, I'm sick of people, and everyone annoys me, even I annoy me. Talking heads, yap yap, yap. All of us. Look what people are doing to the planet, duh. Are we so stupid? Yup..have a nice day, and get some 'fresh' air if there's any left in the planet. Global warming. We're all f'd. Bye..
Trying to figure out my triggers agitates me even more. Dr. Fox your videos have helped me out more than you know. The guy that I've been seeing was even watching your videos, trying to figure out what he could do to help me with my episodes. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! You are the best. I appreciate what you're doing.
Dr. Fox thank you so much. I feel like you are literally my Dr helping me get through this. I would like to get some advice about having to deal with these mood swings and explosions on my own, I've tried talking to my parents about this but they just think I'm crazy and its mainly cause they are not aware nor have knowledge about mental health and see it as something "not real" and that I can easily control it but its absolutely not. I cried when you said how important it was to work together and try to understand and little by little resolve this with the help of any significant other as I realized I'm particularly on my own in this.
I received the BPD diagnose some months ago and I finally understood so much! But anyway, it has been harsh and incredibly challenging for me to de-escalate on my emotions, to deconstruct my unhealthy line of thoughts... But it helps me a lot to hear you. I really value what you do, thanks.
I don't have enough words to thank you for your videos! And this one came exactly at hand, because I'm facing a lot of issues right now with my relationships. I'll try my best to keep your advices in mind, love from Brazil!
Bang on target pal! You really understand things that can trigger more, so things escalate. I will try to take a break next time, but it's really hard. That thing when I don't even know what triggered me, happened last summer. I was eating breakfast in the garden with my girlfriend (ex). And I just snapped. She started to ask questions about why I was angry. And I felt so weird and dumb, so I got even angrier. Throw my yoghurt away and screamed, that I don't even know. I felt so ashamed after this, and continue to think about stuff like this over and over again. I got generalised anxiety disorder and are doing a bpd-investigation now. The psychiatrist think I am really hard to diagnose, because I give double messages, when I answer questions. I've watched alot of your videos to understand things about myself. You are so intelligent, and seems to have a big heart. Thanks alot! I will make a tattoo, that says "Calm, like a bomb" Because that's how I felt all my life.
Thank you so much for giving this information out fo free. It means the world to people who can't afford to pay for therapy. We can tell that you genuinely care about humans ❤
Thank you! I will watch this video repeatedly. So much helpful information. “TRY to look non-threatening...” Never occurred to me to just try - and I know I scare the bejeezus out of people when I’m in a meltdown or even just mildly pissed off. A boss I had for years triggered me almost on a daily basis and even told management once (in front of me, probably many more times behind closed doors) that he was scared of me. My mental comeback at the time (and what my eyes and body language were surely saying) was “you should be scared, little man” - but I seriously do NOT want to hurt anyone physically or even “just” send out the toxic vibes, give ‘em the hairy eyeball, the finger behind their back, whatever. But in the worst of my melty moments, it’s so painful - and I didn’t learn till a few years ago that it’s OK to need a minute - or two or three. Maybe an hour - “going to lunch early today.” Go trot around the block a few times. Nothing reasonable can possibly come out of my brain or my mouth at those times and fleeing the scene is far preferable to the shouting and the tears and the words I can never take back. And why am I triggered just by certain people’s appearance?! People I don’t even know can set me off if I perceive them as having a superior attitude, they seek too much attention from me, etc. I have learned to pull over and let the tailgaters pass - that’s one of my very worst triggers. I have dropped a lovely new female friend because her husband is just SO “in my face” whenever we are all together - and he’s the one I knew first. Right now I just cringe inside thinking of his voice and his face and how many times per hour he says “OK, so here’s what’s goin on...” I have to talk myself down - he’s not here, just living rent free in my head. I must take care of myself; there is no one else except for God and animals, plants and music. No diagnoses, but I’m pretty sure both my mom and her mom were BPD and/or total narcissists. I learned from the masters, for sure. They would NEVER “step away from the vehicle” - they’d stand and fight for hours. I can’t do that and hope for anything good to come of it - and it’s just not worth it to me to work that hard on a “friendship” with a man for whom I couldn’t care less about. His wife, unfortunately, has to be collateral damage. I’m 68 and finally have a job I actually like, my own space in a relatively peaceful city (stayed in LA to care for the long-lived elderly parents - a karmically correct thing to do, but what a price I’ve paid). Anyway, I refuse to sit over any more meals simmering inside and pretending to be interested in people that trigger me like that. The dude DROPS BY MY HOUSE unannounced! Freaking rude just for starters. My parents’ generation did that - just show up at people’s homes. Times have changed and I have zero tolerance for anyone that freakin pushy. AND, during a pandemic?! No risk too great to take for some people to get attention, I guess. Anyway, I’m beyond grateful for these videos and to be able to read the comments of my fellow BPD travelers. 🙏🏻☮️❤️
DBT enables me to manage my borderline so I can live a mostly normal life with some limitations. I find your videos helpful as a quick recap when I struggle with the added bonus of improving my English (greetings and thx from Germany) 😉
I have BPD, and I'm on the Cluster B range. I just ordered your book and I look forward to reading it and I'm thankful for your videos and for your time. I'm rock bottom currently but I am hopeful. Thanks again..
I have BPD, and it makes me really happy that you truly seem to care about helping people with personality disorders. Putting all this information in videos for free to help people with BPD help themselves, and not trying to milk people for money, is really wonderful. Thank you :)
It's so refreshing to see someone who doesn't demonize or dehumanize people with BPD
@@spiralcat6376 yeah, but narcissists are demonized, that's a disorder, too. They dont get to choose their families of origin or early environment, or f'd up parenting either. And their parents were probably f'd up in their childhood by their parents. Seems to be transgenerstional. Idn. Just wish I was dead. Then I wouldn't have ANY memory of before birth or after death. I dont believevin an 'afterlife'. Rather, death after life. Those people who have near death experiences don't die. They're 'near' death experiences. The brain
can do some weird stuff, when breathing stops. Anyway, Just my 'jaded' opinion. Over 7 billion people on the planet. Everyone has an opinion. Facts speak louder than beliefs, opinions and faith. To each their own. Have a nice day, everyone. Ir a crappy, one. Sometimes, dont have a lot of choice with depression, sadness, anger, and FAILURE at everything for many with mental issues. Even 'healthy' people suffer eventually. If you live long enough you will lose everyone you love. We're all losers in the end. Everyone!
He is awesome and caring. One of the few. I totally love these videos.
@@mardishores4016 dark...but true.
So wonderful. Humans can be so amazing. God bless this man
My hub and I "set flags" - We have a little kitchen timer that we set for 5 mins and the "flag" is that if one of is getting too emotionally charged to communicate, we say "I need 5 min" and set the timer. I've noticed that in the first minute, I'm brooding about having to sit with myself. In the second minute, I'm angry with myself for getting triggered. In the third minute, I'm noticing my breathing. In the fourth minute, I'm realizing what caused me to get upset, in a more rational light. By the fifth minute, I'm not as charged, and can either realize where I mis-perceived the situation or can better communicate what it is that I'm struggling with. This is not a system I've established, but what I've noticed happening, internally, during those five minutes.
Thank you Dr. Fox!
I admire you. My sister would throw the timer across the room.
@@terri28 We did. I ended up buying a few of them over time, believe it!
Wow only 5 min???????
@@kiwis91 It really only takes 5 mins!!! What has been your experience when trying this method?
5 minutes not realistic !
These comments make me feel so normal. I'm so used to feeling like a "crazy person" during my episodes. I'll get angry and lash out in horrific ways and feel so guilty afterward. I've hurt people I love and myself. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just want to heal and get better.
I have BPD and I really struggle with the stop. It’s like once I am triggered, I go to 100 so quick before i even can stop. i don’t wanna keep freaking out and going off and hurting people i love.
This is the first time I've heard BPD advice that wasn't villanizing and considered both the BPD individual and the supporter. I ordered your book immediately after listening to these videos. After fifteen years of dealing with BPD with no supportive, professional help, it's amazing to hear a mental professional address BPD in an empowering way with empathy and positivity and offer skills and tools to change. These offer a lot of hope for a very stigmatized group, so thank you for sharing these. I'll be watching your videos from here on.
Marie Williams you should also check out a channel called garlach on UA-cam and what he has to say about bpd and self help for free. Really a lovely person and therapist.
Totally agree!
@@ellenanortje3707 yes! Get it!
@@mushbloom2146 what’s the title of the book ?
lmfao Implying I can have a relationship. You're too sweet, Doc.
If you want to have a relationship, you can. It takes work but it can be done. a negative attitude will get you nowhere
@@anonymoususer4672 maybe im sick and a negative attitude is a byproduct. thanks though
She beta b Hot..
It is possible. Please go to therapy if you can. I hope you heal. 🙂🙏💞
@@dreib5129 nah, the therapist was an asshole.
“If you are arguing for more than a few minutes, you’re not arguing about what you think you’re arguing about, you’re arguing about the relationship.”
Brilliant! What a helpful insight. 🙏
I’m so glad that you found it helpful and I wish you all the best.
What if they have no awareness of their disorder and keep turning it around on you ? Saying that it’s you who is the crazy one . I find that so frustrating.
@@soulconnections_uk2848that still is about wanting to be heard/understood/seen...which at the root is wanting to be accepted and loved. That is deeply relational. If we don't care about the relationship, we'd drop it...usually.
Due to being unaware of ineffective communication patterns, and going on repeat, is frustrating for both sides & deceases the chances of being heard.
Repeating won't help.
Making sure that you are emotionally regulated, straightforward, clear, and state what you are wanting out of the interaction...can be hard, especially if many of us have developed maladaptive communication patterns.
Learned more in 13 min than years of seeing therapists who had no idea how to handle a person with bpd
I’m so glad you found the video helpful.
@@DrDanielFox glad I subscribed
being with a person with bpd can be so draining.... they can be so horrible and toxic but you know its not their fault and try to help and patience patience patience.....you really need an unimaginable amount of love for them and still struggle to keep yourself together.... listening to this video made me feel an intense pain in my stomach thinking of the outbursts sometimes... what he said yes, describes them well but doesnt go anywhere near the emotional torture the BPDs partner sometimes has to go through.... and stay strong....
My former partner when he was splitting he made fictitious stories about something that they started to believe it. And then you realize they are dissociated from the reality. It was when i realized he was BPD. I felt walking on eggshells all the time. You cannot say anything because either positive or negative. It triggered them with extreme behavior, like an emotional rollercoaster
Yes!!! My current boyfriend is like this! It’s very crazy
Same…but also struggle because a lot of the episodes are his attempts to get sympathy and every flavor of emotional manipulation is flung, ending with pleading for forgiveness in the end. I am clear that l am feeding the cycle when l stay through it all and forgive after. It’s a hard one.
I'm like this and I hate myself so much I can't control myself....
It's so hard to read this but I'm glad you are here to learn and understand. My ex-wife said the exact phrases "walking on eggshells" and "rollercoaster" when she left. She suspected I had BPD when I had previously been diagnosed with Bipolar depressive. My therapist is in agreement that she was probably right. I just wish I could have known this and that she communicated how much it hurt her sooner. I am responsible, not her. I wish I could have, gotten medication, and learned the coping mechanisms I really needed before I destroyed the marriage that was such a beautiful thing and I truly needed. I hope things are better for you now. We don't want to hurt others, we just want to be loved and show love. It's so painful to know how difficult my life will permanently be because of my disorder.
I know how you feel. Still we try. Hope your doing well.
Being around my bpd mother is absolutely exhausting and makes my autoimmune condition worse. All of this work is constant adjustment for them. After all of the abuse and you still have to sacrifice yourself for them. It’s just too much sometimes.
Ì8⁸⁸
And they don't even see or recognize our sacrifices. I told her, that the one thing that gave me hope was her one day her seeing and realizing that I was always there, NOT yelling back, or running for the hills, and thanking me for my patience. Her response was, "why should I be thanking you? You were the one pissing me off!"
@@crashtestdhimmi5469 damn, I'm sorry. Mine died and it's been healing in some areas
Dont sacrifice
Omg thank you so so much, I'm SO volatile, it's terrifying! I feel like I have zero control over my anger, it's so explosive. And, like you said before, my pride gets in the way and I can't back down! It's so impossible when I live with my trigger😖
same 😖 but we can change 😅
You can do it! You can!
You made me cry i can relate so much.. i believe in you
Dana Gahtdinütah 💙💙💙 the guilt afterwards is the worst. I feel like I have no control over my life 😭😭😭 I'm 37, and my BPD is still in charge. Worst of all, no one understands and they fully believe I'm CHOOSING to act like that, like I like flipping out and hurting people🤦🏻♀️ when I explode, I swear I black out- I look like the pro football players with concussion syndrome, it's bad. I've been single for years because of it too- despite being on a bunch of meds and seeing a therapist and psych doc weekly! I was terrified when I posted my original comment, fear of rejection and all that. You and the other responses, have made me feel not so lost 💙 thank you. I am so so so sorry that you deal with explosive anger too, I can truly relate to the guilt, shame, embarrassment, judgment, etc. I hope you find things that help- yoga and meditation DO help when I do them lol- I believe in you too 💙💙💙
e. boisseau I hope!!!
I wish they would call BPD what it is an emotional regulation disorder… it isn’t a personality disorder and this is why it’s so stigmatized.
I have a rule now that I am aware of being triggered. When I say "I have to stop now" we stop. That's it. Now I can step away before I say or do something destructive.
Me too.
👏🏼🥰 That’s great! Well done! I’m still working on this myself but I’m getting better at it.
As a person with diagnosed BPD, depression, and anxiety (all separated, so it seems it's not just symptoms of the bpd?) by three psychiatrists and just recently diagnosed with Autism too. It's been extremely hard, for a span of years my symptoms were so severe I couldn't even dress myself without losing it. I was literally just barely surviving with the help of family watching me and helping make sure I didn't try to commit suicide. I'm so lucky I had them as family, they loved me no matter how "crazy" I was, and though I hurt relationships with my bro and sis in law, now that I've had years of treatment and DBT (and still seeing a therapist, psychiatrist, and a DBT coach regularly) I am able to repair relationships now, and every year I see a big difference. It's slow, but really steady. I now am able to HOLD a parttime job, something I wouldn't have thought possible three years ago. I'm able to be helpful to my neighbor and my parents, and my parents help me mentally and with certain tasks around the house as I still can't care for myself properly yet. Baby steps!
Your "Favorite Person" video was especially really helpful for me right now, because I'm battling the unhealthy issues that came from that with my best friend who is like a sister to me, I love her absolutely to pieces, but am also constantly jealous because I'm afraid she'll abandon me for anyone else who is easier to deal with.
I had a significant breakthrough, though. I realized that the core issue was I felt like I had nothing to offer her but stress. There was nothing good from me to possibly make up for my illness. I felt like I had to constantly try to make up for being mentally ill and having BPD, like I was a curse on anyone who cared for me. When I realized the core of it all was that, all those extra things stopped grating on me, and I was able to address it. I outright asked both my parents and my best friend if there was anything about me I could offer anyone, and that I couldn't see anything. What they told me had me crying tears of relief and joy, because I found out I DO give a lot. That my love and devotion, but compassion and empathy, are all extremely important and mean a lot to them. And they don't think my illness makes me less lovable. They don't even see it as me, but just a tag-along that I have to contend with. Partly why I'm writing this huge post, is because I hope someone else who is struggling with those same fears of being worth nothing and only a burden will read this, and it will help them realize that our perspective due to BPD is skewed, and we miss very important things like our own worth. We think it's fact that we are just a burden and give nothing back, but we have so much more to give than we know.
I've been abandoned constantly by everyone but my parents, even my bro and sis in law pulled away to a large extent, so I'm terrified of being left. But realizing that I really am giving back, has calmed so much of that fear, the fear that was causing problem behaviors that actually caused a lot of the damage that tended to drive people off. We're actually capable of so much more good than we realize.
Whoa, that was really lovely. Thanks for taking the time.
I have a question: How do you hold that "evidence" of what you bring to the table in the forefront of your mind over the long term? I ask because I've struggled with the same theme, that I will always be the underdog in all of my relationships, that since I'm the "unhealthy" one, the other person will always be sort of in charge or right about things.
But then I'll go through a phase where I am more aware of my worth, understand what people like and value about me, and also see that others have struggles of their own, they're just different than mine, no better, no worse.
BUT when I'm in a low phase, like right now (I do not do autumn), I can't see the forest through the trees, and feel sure that my friends and family and bosses are always like, "Oh, shit. Time to deal with HER again," and I can't access the "I'm a really cool person with a few sort of annoying tendencies, which I'm working on, but the people who love me love me anyway" part of things. Today, for example, I've done nothing, no work,no shower, no texts, calls, emails....just totally in my head about how unsuccessful I am in life and how I will die alone in an alley. How do you keep your thoughts consistently clean?
@@camez2345 I relate so hard with this, honestly, and though I haven't perfected it, I will tell you what's worked for me in those low points to stop me from going quite so low until I can pull myself up again with the help of others. :)
One thing is to get confirmation at times from others of your qualities, and remember them, and remember that your emotions will cloud it and try to warp the vision of it to hold less meaning. Remember that is your emotions, not fact. Even when it's hard, put your trust in the idea that the good things are truly what they think of you. You can't win a battle with yourself of "What ifs", and though it's very difficult, stop that train of thought and tell it you won't waste your time on it. It's of no benefit, therefor, not worth your headspace when you can fill it with better things that will help you or make you happy. Also know that improving your vision of yourself has a surprising effect of shining on those around you. The better you view yourself, even if just a bit, it shows to others around you in a positive way and may even help boost them a little :)
Remember that goals are finite and should purely apply to your happiness, not what others think is "Worth setting for". My goals are very small, I want to have an excellent relationship with those I love, spend my life as a dog mom, and enjoy my hobbies while working a part-time job because that's what's realistic for me, and I realized these small goals make me way happier than any lofty and big plans. These things can be achieved, and are at your doorstep- something you can begin working on immediately, which is why I picked them, and it's the real joy for me, and even if this was all I achieved, I will be content with that. :)
You will have seasons in your moods and mind(Even extreme ones), it's totally normal, just know that striving is a slow process, the goal is to do better this time than last time, even if only by a bit, and keep reaching for that bit of progress and notice when you achieved it and celebrate that. Focus on it, and the now, and you will cover more ground than if you always stared at the very end and thinking about how far away it is, instead of what's right in front of you that you can focus on now. ^_^
Hope this helped, if not, ask away and I will try to answer :) I'm definitely no pro and still learning, though.
@@ravenwinter6984 (I am going to respond but can't right now.)
I've become so unresponsive to my mothers rages that I am basically inert. As soon as she starts ranting (in person or via text message), I switch completely off and disconnect. It's a defence mechanism from early in life. I'm trying to learn to act to the behaviour in a way that protects me, but doesn't make the situation worse. The emotional turmoil she is going through is an onslaught- there is no room for me. I feel like a robot when I try and reflect the feelings back to her. It takes all my effort not to say- I'm sorry you feel that way (which seems especially cold and disconnected).
The amount of meltdowns that could have been avoided when I was younger if only the adults in my life had more emotional intelligence and less judgement x.x
It's difficult to disengage when someone has gone to rage in 2.5 seconds and is throwing cutlery at you. I learnt to leave the house STRAIGHT AWAY. Stay safe everyone. No woman deserves to live in fear. Great content Dr. Fox
1000 percent agree with this
And men.
@@chinhphan4787 absolutely! The boys need love too!
My experience:
1) Vast majority of people will use your confession of having BPD to manipulate your boundaries.
2) Having BPD (for examole - in a rapidly shifting environment that includes individuals who wish harm upon you) can sometimes be advantageous.
I never realise something triggers me until it's too late ... It can range from days to months, with me suppressing it
Sometimes it’s like I don’t want to and I can’t wait a minute! I just want to tell what I feel..then I regreat and I think “I should have waited before talking to the person” Gotta learn!!! 😬
You just explained me! As a BPD I am as chronic over sharer, mindfulness and prayer have helped with that. I have even shared stuff about medications that I wanted to be kept private
Just know you are not the only one who does this. Look in BPD over sharing and intimacy issues. Do you have a noisy chattering mind?
Yes! Sometimes I tell what I needed to and in my mind I keep fighting with the person! And this makes me very nervous! It happened to me today! I feel like the other is against me and that wants to bother me and my mind doesn’t stop and I start to eat a lot!!! It’s crazy!! And I try to stop and just feel what I have to but sometimes it’s hard!!! About over sharing, just keep in mind that: we are learning!!! It will get better!!
I want to try the timer for 10 mins. I hate myself deeply for lashing on my partner I cannot express the shame and guilt that later surfaces. Once an episode has passed I’m able to think rationally I do not ever identity with how I feel or the opinions towards them that I felt during that episode. I feel incredibly embarrassed and wish for my existence to seize. I am crying for the words I have said and hurt I have caused my loved one. Thank you Dr. Fox! I agree distraction is key. Leaving for a walk/ run. I am looking forward to getting a timer. I can chuck my phone under my bed walk into another room crank the timer to 10 mins and avoid over reacting. I’d do anything to manage splitting.
When I've exploded in the past, part of me was so stubbornly convinced (temporarily) that my partner was against me, didn't love me, wanted to leave me, hated me, and so on, that the more rational thoughts like "This could all be over in a second if I stop now" or "Later you'll regret behaving like this" were overpowered by the overwhelming NEED to get how I felt OUT.
I finally learned that getting my (irrational) feelings out right at that moment was hugely detrimental to all parties involved, including me.
Yeeeeees sameee
That’s what my boyfriend does and it triggers me even more. “Coldness” is the worst. I also understand him
But not when I am triggered. Tragic. But empathy and goodness and warmth can conquer it all, but it takes an effort to be willing to stay soft, warm and humble. Practicing loving kindness helps
Wow. After two years of having my heart broken....someone I really really loved, I hear this and it's SO MUCH WORK. Only now I'm begining to be glad that our relationship didn't work out because it would have completely overwhelmed me to maintain it. If you're reading this and you got dumped by the BPD love of your life Mazal Tov!
Thanks for sharing. Be well.
Well more fool you for been weak minded and not seeing she was worth fighting for. You come across extremely weak and I wouldn't want to be with you. You seem to run for cover and thats why you will only get very ugly woman sorry but truth hurts pal.
Okay, so there were (II) two things which resonated with me and the the greatest takeaways.
(1.) Impaired Insight
(2.) Present Centered/Focused
I am typically very well aware of my "Impaired Insight" and because I am, it causes me to beat myself up... thinking all sort of horrible things knowning it is me with the personality disorder. Which leads into the problem with being "Present Centered/Focus." It's damn near impossible for me. My mind at the moment is equivalent to the speed of light.
Maybe you should try to focus more on what the disorder is doing from the Outside instead of trying to think you have to slow down or something...
I had a breakthrough when I was having an episode when I realized I COULD control myself. I CAN do nothing externally no matter what I am feeling and it WILL be okay. I am not a victim of my emotions or victim of life. I can not control life but I CAN control my actions. It IS OKAY to have feelings and to feel them. Give yourself the grace to be person and feel whatever you feel. It’s okay to be mad and it’s okay if someone else is mad at you. IT WILL BE OKAY
Your realization is truly inspiring and empowering. It's amazing how we can take control of our own actions and emotions.
Dr. Fox, I have a caretaker/codependent complex and so I have tons of experience with borderlines/narcissists. They basically see me the way a starving dog sees a juicy steak. My guilt has driven me to try these tips for trying to deescalate their episodes. But they don't seem to work...ever. Literally the only thing that works is apologizing (for what? who knows) and placating, followed up by trivializing her episode. Literally all else is taken as "you hate me so now I hate you". My codependent complex tells me to stick it out and keep trying. If you love someone then you endure their abuse and keep trying to help them get better, right? It's not her fault, I don't want to give up on the relationship, and I'm also at fault. On the other hand, if she can't even accept that something is wrong then she won't improve. One ex flew would fly right into an episode if I brought up the possibility that there was a disorder present. So obviously she was not going to get better. But another accepted the possibility that she had BPD so I stayed with her. But she couldn't/wouldn't seek treatment. She would trivialize her abusive behavior, apologize, and then expect it to be all better. Do you have a video on how much abuse we should put up with before we throw in the towel? What kind of evidence would we see from a borderline partner that indicates that there might be some improvement in the future?
Following this to see any responses since I'm in the same boat. I just put two and two together that the person I've loved for the past 10 years most likely has BPD. I feel guilty that I haven't handled it in the right ways, since I struggle with CPTSD from childhood and a string of manipulative, abusive interpersonal relationships with SOs and friends.
I keep thinking she's intentionally trying to hurt me or gaslight me, since I've been in a relationship with an NPD and my family was never honest about the abuse that occurred. It's been hard for me to wrap my head around how she can misremember things so dramatically, take anything I say or any little motion my face makes as me lying to her, she's thoroughly convinced herself that I'm a thief even though I've never stolen from her, and it's gotten to the point where she gets violent if I try to say something she doesn't want to hear. She's also an alcoholic and it gets worse when she drinks. I've tried to get her to stop but not even getting violent with me or embarrassing herself in front of people has been enough.
I don't know how to approach her. I want to learn and try these techniques but I know if I bring up the possibility of her having BPD, she'll explode. If I leave her alone, she'll get angry and accuse me of ignoring her. If I try to talk to her, she'll get angry unless I agree that I deserved the physical and verbal abuse and "admit" I stole from her.
Yesterday morning I told her I wasn't getting her alcohol because she had attacked me, and I wasn't about to potentially put myself in danger again. She told me I'm "supposed" to go get it for her (it's one of her routines) and that if I didn't she "didn't need anything from me" and wouldn't speak to me again. We live together, but so far she's deactivated her fb (the main way we communicate other than face to face), and we haven't gotten a chance to talk or interact. Yet she still pulls attention-seeking tactics like leaving her door open with her music on when she knows I need to sleep, making little inflammatory comments if she walks through the living room, accusing me of "making her chase me" if we have a fight and I go to my space instead of hers, ect. It feels like she doesn't realize how badly she's hurting me and the relationship and I want to believe that's the case and that there's hope..
@@NexLegacyAccount I'm sorry you have suffered the abuse. I also have been abusive, and so ashamed and guilty, I have tried suicide three times, and was angry that a family member called an ambulance and the hospital pumped my stomach of the benzos. I had asked the her if she would come over the next day to watch my dogs cause I wanted to go out of town. Apparently she thought something was amiss and came over a couple hrs later, saw me unconscious and called for an ambulance. I was told days later, that if she had found me just a couple hrs. later, I would have died. I was ANGRY because I didn't want to live anymore. I had hurt too many people. I wish you healing. I wish I was dead..
If someone realises that they have a personality disorder, they should seek treatment. If they can't afford it, that is a different issue. The main point is that they should work on themselves by making use of every resource they have at their hands. They should be humble enough to challenge their own thoughts and beliefs.
wow...that was thr most relatable thing i have ever seen.... the 'you hate me now i hate you' resonated so much especially.... i hate that the most... how they always doubt your love, how they take you trying to solve issues always calmly and lovingly, as a threat, turning the tables around on you and then saying youre harsh... calling you names even and wanting you to apologise.... yeah...for what...? i used to doubt myself until i got proof from many people i never say anything harsh and only try to usually ask for an apology...it hurts when you love someone and give them your ALL, blood sweat and tears, walk on eggshells trying to ask them as lovingly as possible to see how hurt you are for them to say that YOU dont love them and YOU hate them.... and broken, lying on the ground helpless..begging for understanding you just get more lashing out...and then need to apologise.... understanding they REALLY dont get you love them helps to keep on trying but doesnt take away the hurt....
it also felt really personal when you said 'If you love someone then you endure their abuse and keep trying to help them get better, right? It's not her fault, I don't want to give up on the relationship, and I'm also at fault.' its like you looked inside my head. im constantly having those thoughts, feeling like im on the verge of a mental breakdown but also some magical love and hope keeping me up, making me try over and over again... enduring everything... where i start to question things and if i should even stay its s o hard... its so so hard.... but then the hope and love kicks in again.... and its a cycle that never ends but i feel like im slowly dying inside...
i also wonder, is it common for people with BPD to want alone time? thats good right?
@@samgrest5860 bro i feel you. i've decided that i'm not going to stay with a person with BPD ever again. once I find out that they have it, I'm gone. and if i decide to take the risk in the future then I'm going definitely going to avoid moving in, marrying, or unprotected sex. the problem is that some of us have to be ready to be single, possibly forever. we just dont have the looks and money to be choosy. but i promise, being single is way better then being with a BPD/narcissist. we can't help them by remaining with them. they have to hit rock bottom and be abandoned by everyone in their lives. and then maybe they will wake up a bit.
I have a particularly hard time talking to my mom in times where I desperately need her help or support. She will accept my request and offer the support, but when we put the conversation into action, I cannot seem to get past the feelings of abandonment I felt as a child when she didn't protect me. A lot of times the communication fails because she gets frustrated with me, I perceive her frustration, and I feel scared that she will abandon me again, so I regress to childlike behaviors. A lot of times she also refers to my behaviors as if I was still that 17 year old girl. I feel like she doesn't see "present" me. A lot of times, she starts talking over me and interrupting me. I tell her she's interrupting me and that it's hurting my feelings, but it doesn't seem to stop her from doing that. I want to have healthy communication with her without devolving into poor communication. Do you have any suggestions for what could help us? Thanks, Rachel
I have EXACTLY the same issues. I was adopted at birth, then had my white picnic fence childhood ripped away from me when my adoptive father had a severe midlife crisis & crushed my mother & walked away from her after 18 yrs & left me at 8 yrs old, my brother whom he had adopted and raised since under 6yrs old from his biological dad (my adoptive moms exhusband) , was 24 at the time and lived on his own. We all became the shit on the bottom of his shoes and I saw every physical fight, heard every nasty hateful thoughts, fed lies from both sides, watched my mom barely survive, while my dad and his new wife lived out their dreams...I resent both of them, dad gave up trying with me when I got married at 20 and pregnant by 21, divorced by 24. And my final straw with my mother has fell, but I still feel so guilty for leaving her like everyone else has...but she doesnt understand what I need to heal and doesnt care about anything I have to say if it's not up to her standards or what she sees at correct or believes to be right...shes convinced my daughter bad men will break into the house at night and take me, so bad my 7 yr old still wakes multiple times a night in a panic screaming for me and goes right back to sleep as soon as I'm back in her bed. And is too scared to play with the neighborhood kids she longingly watches everyday from our yard bc grandma says it's not safe and they are strangers (she rides the bus with these kids everyday) no matter how much I try to coax her into just riding her up and down our 1/4 of a mile dead end dirt road (of which is all kids, member of our multiplex blended family, long time personal friends, and even a teacher from her school...nothing for her to be so scared of....I'm at a loss and itbpisses me off so bad I want nothing to do with anyone from my family...bc they dont understand why they piss me off so bad
Took the words out of my mouth
i hve bpd, now middle aged. i dont even get angey anymore. i dont even get mad. annoyed maybe but thats it at its worst. what helped me… i realized others have mental stuff going on and when i think they are being mean or negative i ask them if they are okay or need help, 9/10 times the other person is struggling themselves.
Unconditional love from a BPD is worth it. I promise. Consistency is gold. My trigger is mostly the lack thereof from others and it confuses me. I’m so consistent that it is painful.
I have an “I’ll tell you” rule that I try to follow with all of my relationships. If something is bothering me, I find an appropriate time to tell the person it involves so that I can keep myself calm and not explode so much (I was introduced to the idea by The Minimalists).
I have that too though about all aspects. Whether its good bad venting or anything, i will tell someone if needed. Unfortunately this now means if i have no one there to tell them about my day i get overwhelmed with loneliness. I need to channel that into journalling
When my girlfriend and I get into an argument I tend to shut down and get very anxious, and I notice that it leads to her getting more upset. It wasn't until this video that I'm able to recognize that my high energy may have triggered her. I'll try to calm down when tension arises again, thank you for the great video.
I understand, and have tried to be compassionate, but I am at the end of my tether. I am tired of backing down and saying "I understand you are upset with something I have done. Please tell me what it is, so I can try not to do it again." I will get shifting sand, moving goal posts, and no direct answer or specific action or words that I have done. More recently I get the answer "if I tell you, you will be upset." My answer to that is "I will be upset if you don't tell me!" and I know that is a bit of a threat, but it is true. A lot of the time, the trigger is so unreasonable, such as I kissed my daughter goodnight and spent time talking with her, that the jealousy of my partner is recognized as unreasonable. The anger in her remains for hours, and I am tired of trying to get an answer as to what was the trigger and why I should put up with the same irrational trigger, time and time again. I keep thinking this is the last straw. We have arguments 2 to 3 times a day... why am I still with this person? What is wrong with me to think this will change?
I am sorry to hear that. I'm not sure what outcome you are after but maybe you need to ask yourself a few questions to see what is the best thing for you and your daughter. Your daughter is priority in this situation, so I'd always do what is in the best interest for her.
Here are a few questions to consider.
Do you depend on each other financially? Will the finances affect your daughter?
Does your partner undertake any therapy? Would it maybe be worth going back into therapy?
There are so many questions you need to ask yourself I think to see if you are making the right decision. How will it affect your daughter if you leave? Does she like/get on with your partner? Is there any bond between them or is it really just a competition for your attention between them both. Give me some more information on what your current thoughts are regarding your situation so I can help further.
Hope all is well :)
Im with you on this one, exactly the same feeling. Totally exhausted im on the end of the rope here.
@@joshy2joshy Oh my goodness, Josh. I didn't realize someone had responded to this! My apologies for the delay!
My partner and I have been to 15 or more counselling sessions together, and she has been on her own for a few. We were told by the latest counsellor that we were not good together, and we should go our separate ways.
If it helps, she is 46 and I am 52, and there are no financial ties between us, but my partner wants to move in with me. I will not allow it, as she has 2 children, and I have 2 as well. There is not enough room, as well as the fact that my daughter and her do not get a long. They do on a superficial level, but there is tension.
I originally thought my partner had BPD, so I convinced her to go to get tested. To her credit, she went and spent 4 hours at the clinic. I picked her up and she was visibly upset and angry. Eventually she told me she did not have BPD, but might be on the spectrum with other issues. I don't know what to believe, as she has never shown me the results of the 4 hour, $500 test, so I haven't paid her what I agreed to pay. She has brushed it under the rug. Our councillor told us, we should look at the result together. But that never happened.
We are still together despite me breaking up with her several times. She always comes back to my door, and I am too weak (co-dependant?) to turn her away. She is trying to improve, and I can see her fight her emotions, but it almost always spills out into a angry tirade at me... mostly related to jealousy (mainly my daughter, as I have lost my other female friends due to this relationship), and Separation Anxiety (whenever I go back to my home to my kids, she get angry and we argue). Every time I leave her, she picks a fight.
Thank you for supporting me in my thoughts that absolutely, my 14 year old daughter, and 10 year old son are my priority.
We have been together for 3 years now, and we are great together as long as I don't talk about my kids (my daughter), what they are doing, etc. If I say I need to spend time with them, she is angry, and starts an emotional argument with me. I have lost my friends as she wants to be with me all the time, and gets upset if I want to see them instead of her. I have to tell her if they communicate with me.
Why are we together still? The sex is great and we are compatible. She is very loving and loves animals like I do. She is active and enjoys our workouts together. We have many things in common,... but every day outdoors, there is slight tension. I can see it in her face, her jaw tightens and she cannot touch me when I hug her. The jealousy when any female is nearby. I have to look the other way and pretend I didn't see anyone. I have conditioned myself to look the other way if another woman is nearby. I feel I am walking on eggshells. I agree that it is disrespectful to look at another woman when you are with a partner, so I am conscious of that. But it should apply to both. I don't look at other women, but she still starts an argument if any female is nearby. I am throughly embarrassed in those situations. I am not looking, but what does she think I am going to do? Go up to some random female while she is there, and start a new relationship? Seriously? I am walking on eggshells, so worried that she is going to explode that there is no way I will look at women.... but this happens even if there is young girl we pass on a hiking trail! The embarrassing tirade follows within earshot of the family we pass. So thoroughly embarrassing for them and me.
When confronted about it, she shifts the topic to what I did wrong. I sped up and didn't want to be with her on the return to the car, as I didn't want an earful of abuse. I knew I wouldn't be able to calm her on the trail and I wanted it to stop. So I sped up, and waited for her in the car. She was furious and refused to answer any questions as to why she did what she did and my resulting behaviour. No ability to accept responsibility. Shifting the topic away from her outburst.
There are many, many examples of this.
I am sorry to write so much but I am sincerely appreciative of any insight or suggestions.
@@ccar1332 Thank for your your reply and no problem about the wait :)
I am by no means a relationship expert. I think you are aware of the issues, you can see them. It's just a matter of standing up for yourself and being able to be yourself. I'm in for a stress-free life and I will do whatever I have to do to reduce my stress. If someone isn't going to talk to me properly. I will inform them in a kind and caring way that I am not happy with the way I'm being treated. If they so wish to not listen to me, they will get a few more reminders and if they don't make a conscious effort to put it right then I can't be bothered. This is coming from a man who once felt like the only source of happiness in life was from a partner. I don't believe that anymore. Mostly because relying on another living breathing human for my own happiness is generally ineffective. I've more resorted to expanding my friend library and now I have lots of friends to talk to. I used to try to make sure others were always happy, but what about me? I need to be happy too, how can I make others happy if i'm not happy? It's things like that which have driven me to start thinking about the world in a different way. My old ways were in fact not selfless but selfish. I was only kind to expect the same in return. Now I am kind and don't expect anything, set the dynamic in friendships in a healthy way from the get go and it's much easier.
When you have already got used to the relationship in the way you have set it, it's much harder to change unless it's something you both want. It's very hard :C I'm not a relationship expert but all I can say is don't let her control you and your actions. A healthy relationship is about acceptance. Where you get to be you and exactly how you want to be and you are accepted for that. Right now you are not being yourself as you have to cater to her needs and it's not like she is even compromising from the sounds of it. It's only "you" doing things wrong.
I hope that helps
-Josh
Worse think is when the other person isn’t able to respect your need for some silence time while arguing. You tell them to leave your room or you leave first) but they just start arguing harder and yell at you that you are crazy etc. And then it’s either a mutual fight or you let them scream while you sit there with poker face while slowly dying inside.
I am so thankful for your videos, you can't even imagine.
Greetings from Germany🇩🇪
With my bpd I would feel like I’m being manipulated and that I’m not loved by anyone and that I’ll be rejected forever. This advice has gone further than therapy has for many years. I hate having bpd and I don’t want to hurt anyone and even lose my job 😢
I loved this video. I thought I was doing a good job trying to manage the moments when my borderline husband gets agitated and explodes, but things still escalate almost every time. After listening to this, I realize that how I’m handling my side can and does make things worse. Now I know what I can try to do differently to help de-escalate things. Thank you!
I’ve tried all these strategies though and it has not worked at all. If they aren’t in therapy I find there is zero you can do to stop the rages aimed at you
Never been diagnosed, just heard about this. I become so angry that i can't do these steps fast enough. Just explosive in less than half a second. Uuggg
I have BPD. I’ve been in therapy for fifteen years. I have no idea how insane I would be without my constant effort to improve. But that’s one thing about those of us with this disorder. We work very hard to try to improve. Not all of us, but a lot of us
What makes the situation worse is when your partner knows exactly what sets you off and deliberately triggers you. This puts them in a position of power in the relationship by putting them in the position of "forgiver", which often is withheld in a quest for control and power. I've experienced this numerous times. It also enables them to become the center of attention and sympathy from their friends.
Times I've tried to "take a minute" as previously agreed resulted in the other person refusing to let me step away and physically trying to restrain me from leaving when sn argument ensued.
The part that resonated with me was the "speak in a low dull tone" because I discovered that technique on my own when I was trying to communicate with my past partner, because too many times was I becoming upset and matching his emotional outbursts when he didn't restrain himself in mutual arguments. So I thought I would give it a try, but what I was met with was an opposite response then what I had imagined happening. After awhile he would become upset that I was talking "down to him" similarly to a child and his emotional volume didn't subside. Though I can see how keeping a low tone and not giving emotional inflections can be seen as talking down to a degree...and in all reality my sassy brain still thinks "well if you acted like an adult I wouldn't have to talk like this now would I" Just hearing him say that, and not giving that level of sass back really made me feel like I had painted myself into an emotional corner. Because no matter how I tried to communicate I still ended up getting triggered and loosing my cool because I either talked to fast due to him constantly cutting me off or talked down to him to save my own emotional energy AND not feeling like I could tell him those truths or how it was making me feel without pushing him further into his pissy attitude, and the issue that we were trying to resolve is put on the back burner or never dealt with.
At the end of the day these wonderful and great techniques will only work if everyone is willing and able to take a moment, reflect without emotion, and then try and perceive the opposite view point. If not then it's all just wasted energy...
Essential oils really help me come back from switching or calm down a panic attack or meltdown. Idk what it is, but that part of my brain being activated distracts my emotions for a second and turns them down a notch
I might get a fuzzy blanket like the one you describe...that sounds lovely...
I have a fuzzy fleece purple robe that has a hood that i have become so attatched too its FUNNY
I actually hate the way other things feel on my skin and have trouble wearing anything else NOW hahah
What do you do if arguments feel like life or death? I’ve lost numerous long term friendships because I’d escalate fights out of a need to “win”-at any cost, including that of the friendship. I see everything as winner or loser, superior vs inferior. If I don’t “win,” I feel inferior. I can’t handle losing. This is totally self defeating and I completely acknowledge that, but when I feel threatened I simply lose all control and rationality. Your tea kettle analogy is so accurate. I can sometimes resist responding for a few minutes, even a few hours, but eventually the rage builds and builds and I lash out and it always escalates to brutal name calling and unbelievably below the belt fights. I feel helpless to this cycle.
Same...ditto... yup! Makes me wonder if I have Narcussistic Personality Disorder. And everyone knows how people 'feel towards narcissists. Hated. No one gets to choose their family of origin. My entire family is dysfunctional. Bible 'Belt', raised 'southern. Ha ha. Spare the rod, spoil the child, BS. Yeah, the bible condones beating your kids,along with a lot of other stuff. Having gays, promoting slavery, genocide, sexism, you name it. No longer 'believe in god'. We need to believe in ourselves. BUT... god loves us Whatever, lol. Whatever, I'm done. Evolution is fact, not theory. No, I am not gonna debate it, too ill for that, so I dont care what anyone else 'believes'. People are free to believe whatever 'comforts' them. Have a nice day, good day, or crappy day, let each one decide.
Mindfulness and practice of loving kindness helped me a lot. Reading about it, practicing it. Peace
Dr. You certainly are a rare treat to humanity. Thank you for making life better. 🥰🇨🇦
You are most welcome!
Thank you Dr Fox! 🦊
Looking forward to it, thanks for all of your work.
I’m just now starting to accept my BPD. It has controlled my life for years now, and I so tired of living this way and hurting others. I have had a self-harm addiction (side effect of my BPD) since I was 13 (am 19 now), and truly want to overcome this addiction and more importantly this disorder. I don’t know if anyone who has BPD or is on the spectrum can relate to this, but sometimes I get so emotionally abusive it scares me. I love my boyfriend more than anything, but when I go from my 0 to 100 I am the most vile human being, I even hate myself. I want to treat him better and treat myself better. He knows I have BPD and he is supportive, but I know that doesnt take any pain or hurt away from when I explode. Tonight was one of my worst “explosions” yet. I truly am so glad that I found a community that is supportive and accepting, and understands that we don’t like the monsters that we can become, but rather that we suffer because we can’t control our disorders. I am officially going to start helping myself and being a better person for me first, and everybody else second. I don’t want to ever feel as low as I have this past week again. ❤️
shame perpetuates self harm and without forgiveness, both to yourself and others you won’t be able to get out of the cycle of shame that leads to self sabotage and all the anger you carry around. Try to forgive yourself and those that have wrong you, if they haven’t apologized, try to accept it and not hold on. Difficult to achieve but if you focus on forgiveness you might find more peace
Thank you for making this video !!!
Yup I eventually explode / react. Definitely have the traits of BPD 🐦🍀
After years of practice with my boyfriend we have found a way to get me to calm down when I am angry. We see my anger as a flame that really wants to burn everything around it down to the ground. Basic chemistry teaches us that for a flame to burn there needs to be oxygen. Picture my boyfriend as the oxygen that keeps on feeding my angry flame. To stop this I say that I am going for a walk or remove myself from the situation in any other way. Sooner or later I will calm down because I have nothing to throw my anger at. When I am calm again I come back to him and we talk about what is really going on, because most of the time my anger is really just intense sadness. It took me so long to be able to do this, but now I am more practised in it I can usually calm down within 15 minutes.
I never thought about my anger being intense sadness and wow that makes so much sense when I reflect on previous arguments. Thank you!
Melissa Leech you are most welcome. I am so happy that my experience may help you. Stay strong and stay healthy, I believe in you 🌹
Wonderful video, thank you very much!
I love your sit down talk videos, you've helped me so much tysm for bringing awareness to bpd.
You are the best Dr 💕
You’re a great therapist thank you!!
Im very grateful for your videos. Lol I’m diagnosed with bpd and it’s nice to be able to watch videos that may or can help me with my illness because I feel lost and go into a spiral but always run to your videos for support and assistance! Thank you again
Thank you Dr. Fox. You definitely help me a lot.
Another fantastic video, Doctor! Thank you 👍🏼
Active listening and empathy - yes!!!
I love this guy
Your videos have helped me so much. Thank you.
Soooo helpful, thank you!!
Wonderful info. This goes into my UA-cam folder!
I simply try see from her point of view not just my own. Which took loads of practise as im ADHD but I was a bouncer for years and developed a skill in talking peouple down. This skill keeps us in a relationship.
So cool, my partner has also adhd and really triggers me a lot and is not always good at helping coming down. I tried to understand how he is wired but it still hurts that he still triggers me so often although I know it’s not on purpose. It doesn’t help 😢
What about when only some people set you off, like a family member? I get constantly triggered only by their presence
Mila VB That can definitely be the case. In fact, in many cases, someone develops BPD as a result of traumatic experiences with a family member. Sadly, the best thing to do is keep a certain distance (and possibly even cut communication), even if they are family. If you find that they do more harm than good, then try to keep a certain distance from them (like only talking every so often, and maybe try to avoid topics or areas that you recognize are highly triggering for you, or maybe being careful how much you confide in them if you find they use things against you later, etc.). I know how hard it can be. I hope my advice helps you some.
Mila VB. From my experience, I think you are obsessively zeroing in on your target. Those incidents are not accidental but a predictive and repeating pattern. My daughter can not stand her father’s presence or even just a sound of him in the other room. He has flaws that she can not tolerate (being a perfectionist). She did not have traumatic experiences with him but feels traumatized and abused because they clashed frequently and intensely. Having similar personalities, they could not be able to get out of the verbal clinch.
The situation is much better now when she is studying away from home. They are texting love and hearts to each other. When at home, my daughter is trying to spend time with her father, with more or less success. With time, they will learn to accept themselves as they are. Obsessing is hard to break - start with small exposures and use a lot of distractions to trick your super-focused mind. It’s ok to fail, you will get better.
I stayed away
@@ElizavyetaZoneand Alisha are correct. Avoid him/her like the corona virus. If you can't, then be as polite as possible while still asserting your right to take care number one and telling him/her "thanks, but I'll do this instead". This is very difficult for me because of my own complex (codependency). I feel agonizing guilt for not saving/fixing/rescuing/caretaking. And more guilt for blind-siding people when I've remained quiet so long and then suddenly put my foot down. But we must protect ourselves from those who can't/won't find treatment for their illnesses. It's not much different than walking away from a sick person on the bus who is coughing all over you. You can't heal them, but you can walk away and hopefully they will feel more inclined to find healing. Maybe they will find Dr. Fox' channel and start the process.
@Emily Wheeler narcissists dont get to choose their parents either. It's transgenerational. I dont have the answers. I have done things that I don't even know 'why'. Just wish I was dead, because of hurt. Others to me, me to others. Sometimes I think i might be a psychopath or sociopath, I'm sick of people, and everyone annoys me, even I annoy me. Talking heads, yap yap, yap. All of us. Look what people are doing to the planet, duh. Are we so stupid? Yup..have a nice day, and get some 'fresh' air if there's any left in the planet. Global warming. We're all f'd. Bye..
Trying to figure out my triggers agitates me even more. Dr. Fox your videos have helped me out more than you know. The guy that I've been seeing was even watching your videos, trying to figure out what he could do to help me with my episodes. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!! You are the best. I appreciate what you're doing.
Dr. Fox thank you so much. I feel like you are literally my Dr helping me get through this. I would like to get some advice about having to deal with these mood swings and explosions on my own, I've tried talking to my parents about this but they just think I'm crazy and its mainly cause they are not aware nor have knowledge about mental health and see it as something "not real" and that I can easily control it but its absolutely not. I cried when you said how important it was to work together and try to understand and little by little resolve this with the help of any significant other as I realized I'm particularly on my own in this.
My friend has bpd and I want to help him out and be there for him. Your videos, and this one in particular, are a blessing. Thank you.
Thank you so much. I just recently discovered you and I absolutely love your videos. Helps my BPD self.
I received the BPD diagnose some months ago and I finally understood so much! But anyway, it has been harsh and incredibly challenging for me to de-escalate on my emotions, to deconstruct my unhealthy line of thoughts... But it helps me a lot to hear you. I really value what you do, thanks.
Thank you so much for putting all these info on BPD for free and truly helping people. I appreciate you.
Masterful way of changing your affect to attune to the audience intended.
I love this video, thank you Dr. Fox ❤️
Thanks sir! Appreciate your work. Take care
Such an amazing video, thank you so much doc❤️ a hero
I don't have enough words to thank you for your videos! And this one came exactly at hand, because I'm facing a lot of issues right now with my relationships. I'll try my best to keep your advices in mind, love from Brazil!
Bang on target pal! You really understand things that can trigger more, so things escalate. I will try to take a break next time, but it's really hard. That thing when I don't even know what triggered me, happened last summer. I was eating breakfast in the garden with my girlfriend (ex). And I just snapped. She started to ask questions about why I was angry. And I felt so weird and dumb, so I got even angrier. Throw my yoghurt away and screamed, that I don't even know. I felt so ashamed after this, and continue to think about stuff like this over and over again.
I got generalised anxiety disorder and are doing a bpd-investigation now. The psychiatrist think I am really hard to diagnose, because I give double messages, when I answer questions.
I've watched alot of your videos to understand things about myself. You are so intelligent, and seems to have a big heart. Thanks alot!
I will make a tattoo, that says "Calm, like a bomb"
Because that's how I felt all my life.
i love your videos but this one especially, as it gives us an action plan. Thank you so much for making it.
Fantastic video. Thankyou Dr.Fox. I've needed help with this kind of situation-for both myself and my loved ones.
Thank you so much for giving this information out fo free. It means the world to people who can't afford to pay for therapy. We can tell that you genuinely care about humans ❤
Thankyou so much for this video this is so helpful thankyou
Great video. Thanks
Just want to say thank you sincerely from the heart
Thank you! I will watch this video repeatedly. So much helpful information. “TRY to look non-threatening...” Never occurred to me to just try - and I know I scare the bejeezus out of people when I’m in a meltdown or even just mildly pissed off. A boss I had for years triggered me almost on a daily basis and even told management once (in front of me, probably many more times behind closed doors) that he was scared of me. My mental comeback at the time (and what my eyes and body language were surely saying) was “you should be scared, little man” - but I seriously do NOT want to hurt anyone physically or even “just” send out the toxic vibes, give ‘em the hairy eyeball, the finger behind their back, whatever. But in the worst of my melty moments, it’s so painful - and I didn’t learn till a few years ago that it’s OK to need a minute - or two or three. Maybe an hour - “going to lunch early today.” Go trot around the block a few times. Nothing reasonable can possibly come out of my brain or my mouth at those times and fleeing the scene is far preferable to the shouting and the tears and the words I can never take back. And why am I triggered just by certain people’s appearance?! People I don’t even know can set me off if I perceive them as having a superior attitude, they seek too much attention from me, etc. I have learned to pull over and let the tailgaters pass - that’s one of my very worst triggers. I have dropped a lovely new female friend because her husband is just SO “in my face” whenever we are all together - and he’s the one I knew first. Right now I just cringe inside thinking of his voice and his face and how many times per hour he says “OK, so here’s what’s goin on...” I have to talk myself down - he’s not here, just living rent free in my head. I must take care of myself; there is no one else except for God and animals, plants and music. No diagnoses, but I’m pretty sure both my mom and her mom were BPD and/or total narcissists. I learned from the masters, for sure. They would NEVER “step away from the vehicle” - they’d stand and fight for hours. I can’t do that and hope for anything good to come of it - and it’s just not worth it to me to work that hard on a “friendship” with a man for whom I couldn’t care less about. His wife, unfortunately, has to be collateral damage. I’m 68 and finally have a job I actually like, my own space in a relatively peaceful city (stayed in LA to care for the long-lived elderly parents - a karmically correct thing to do, but what a price I’ve paid). Anyway, I refuse to sit over any more meals simmering inside and pretending to be interested in people that trigger me like that. The dude DROPS BY MY HOUSE unannounced! Freaking rude just for starters. My parents’ generation did that - just show up at people’s homes. Times have changed and I have zero tolerance for anyone that freakin pushy. AND, during a pandemic?! No risk too great to take for some people to get attention, I guess. Anyway, I’m beyond grateful for these videos and to be able to read the comments of my fellow BPD travelers. 🙏🏻☮️❤️
this got uploaded during one of my worst episodes and one that significantlly hurt my relationship
thank u
DBT enables me to manage my borderline so I can live a mostly normal life with some limitations. I find your videos helpful as a quick recap when I struggle with the added bonus of improving my English (greetings and thx from Germany) 😉
You are an angel, Dr. Fox. Perhaps, the first person who has given me hope in dealing with this personality type.
I listen this video a lot of times very very helpful thanks☺️
Oh my goodness I love this SO much !!!💯❤
Your videos really help me deal with my significant other.
Thank you!
i really needed this i wish i had it at the start of this week
I presently feel like crap but hey thanks for beeing here for us very helpful.
Great help. Thanks you so much
i am a doctor and i can say your videos are very helpful,thanks sir.
"when i thought about it i thought well, why not hit it from both ends?" YES. This is why I watch your videos, you're thorough.
Omg thank you SO much for this encouraging video! I really am trying to get better and I needed to hear these words especially today! ❤️
I have bpd2 and struggle controlling my "tantrums " I just found your channel and I'm hoping it helps me overcome my symptoms
Thank you very much that was very helpful: I tried these strategies last night.
Thank you again for another helpful video. I think you are helping to save me and my relationship. I am so grateful for you Dr. Fox. 🙏🏾✌🏾💜
I have BPD, and I'm on the Cluster B range. I just ordered your book and I look forward to reading it and I'm thankful for your videos and for your time. I'm rock bottom currently but I am hopeful. Thanks again..