Thank you so much for all the comments and such an amazing and inclusive discussion. I am planning to go LIVE on UA-cam to reply to as many comments as possible and continue the discussion. If you’re interested in joining the LIVE, stay tuned. 😊 UPDATE: Instead of a LIVE stream, I have decided to publish a follow up video that summarises the perspectives of everyone who has shared their amazing stories and views on here. You can watch it here: ua-cam.com/video/u3XctXukBqI/v-deo.html
Thank you for your perspective. You did not attack anyone. You did not antagonise. You stated your truth. I am a 40 year old man and I have kids and I'm tired of hearing all the negativity around this topic. Thank you for not being toxic. I don't really understand but I appreciate your honesty.
Enaknya jadi manusia = 1. Ada makanan 2. Fisik sehat 3. Panjang umur 4. Punya keluarga 5. Ada tempat tinggal bagus 6. Manusia Jujur 7. Saling toleransi 8. Masuk surga 9. Dapat rezeki. 10. Damai dengan orang. 11. Mempunyai pemimpin yang mendukung rakyat. Dll Tidak enaknya jadi manusia = 1. Kelaparan 2. Kadang merasakan sakit , ada yang berkebutuhan khusus ( tidak bisa melihat, tidak bisa mendengar, tidak bisa berbicara ), ada yang sakit berat = stroke , kanker , dll , ada yang kehilangan anggota tubuh . 3. Suatu hari meninggal 4. Ada yang tidak punya keluarga 5. Ada yang tidak punya tempat tinggal atau tempat tinggal jelek 6. Ditipu orang 7. Rasis SARA ( suku , agama, ras dan budaya) , Rasis yang lain. 8. Masuk neraka 9. Harus bekerja kalau mau punya harta 10. Di hina orang 11. Mempunyai pemimpin Tidak mendukung rakyat Dll. Maka dari itu saya memutuskan tidak punya anak. Ada gak enaknya jadi manusia. Mungkin anak saya mengalami hal buruk tersebut . Ya walaupun ada enaknya jadi manusia, saya tetap tidak punya anak. ( Indonesia language) .
I was married for 10 years before we decided to finally have a child, we did or at least I did enjoy our childfree years, while my wife was pressured by her parents to have a child, I was too but i didnt care. We decided to have one child because we realized my wife is not such an independent spirit as I am and that she would do better with a child in her life. After all this let me tell you you are missing out on nothing but all the headaches heartaches and sacrifices, I'm aging faster than I ever have been since we've had our son, of course we will raise our son to become the best person he can be for his own sake, not for us, but I do long for time alone working on my craft and travelling quietly with no one bothering me asking to see pictures of their grandson
It was very interesting to watch this video because I'm also 41, in a common-law marriage for 15 years, yet my experience in being childfree is very different from yours. I think it also depends a lot on where you live and the circle of people you are usually around. Maybe these things should be more openly discussed because there are a lot of different experiences and views on it, and people with kids could understand our own life choices better. Yet, whenever these things are discussed online, I've noticed that people with children tend to be quite aggressive and believe their own opinions on the matter are the only valid ones. In reality, there is no right or wrong in individual life choices. Another misconception is that people without children are often viewed as people that don't like kids. It's the most ridiculous fallacious reasoning ever. Some people might, but I don't think the majority does. I guess that, for people with children, that must be the easiest justification for them towards someone who doesn't want children, because they can't understand that choice.
As an unwanted child who was made to feel that way my entire childhood... Dont have them if you are going to treat them like a burden. Kids arent stupid and will feel that for the rest of their lives.
Good point!! We shouldn’t be pushing anyone to have kids, the only people who should have them are those that are really committed to loving them generously for life.
Same here. If you don't want kids, don't make them carelessly. I have been abused in all ways by my Parents and sister. C-ptsd, chronic depression and chronic pain, can't work a normal job.
Agree if it's not in your heart to have kids you shouldn't and know as a parent there are times you will regret having kids and that's when you know you need more sleep or a break ..I know though I appreciate the baby I had and the husband I have even though sometimes it's overwhelming...life in general is..
I’m a 48 years old man, never been married and no children, never had a girlfriend, not even a date my whole life. I am the very definition of an incel 😊. But i live a good and peaceful life, i have everything i need and so much more. One thing i’ve learned living on my own all of my adult life, is that my happiness does not depend on a woman, it depends on me. Life goes on. It’s all good.
You have an amazing perspective and it sounds like a highly developed sense of self. As a 38 yo man, married with 1 son, I enjoyed reading your comment and admire your lifestyle of contentment that I want for myself and my family one day. It's how I plan to raise my son. Stay the course, king! 👑
You're blessed by God. I know it may seem like it sucks. But you're better off brother, these women aren't worth The trouble. You've avoided a lot of misery by staying to yourself.
41 and pretty much the same here. but i have a low wage job where i earn next to nothing so i use that to justify why i have no gf or family. i couldnt support a family with my income. also i cant afford a gf financially. that makes it somewhat easier to deal with. i know its not the whole truth and i wouldnt have a gf or family if i had a high paying job either.
My opinion as a woman who had children relatively young and ended up having a large family, is that if you make choices anywhere outside what is considered normal, you will face judgment. No kids- judgment. Lots of kids- judgement. People who don't know you personally will always feel free to say and assume the worst of you. Its just important to think about everything very thoroughly and have some close friends who really love and support you no matter what you choose.
This is true. I’m actually wondering what many of the people commenting on here actually think about women who have a lot of kids. Have they ever been annoyed or rolled their eyes seeing women out in public with a lot of children? It’s always good to turn the mirror both ways.
@@JuniperLynn789you also don't even need a lot of kids to face isolation as well. I have one toddler, and am currently pregnant, and sadly a lot of child-free/currently childless friends have just dropped off the radar, because they aren't interested in seeing me if they have to also see my child. They all have lots and lots of time to spend with each other. I am extremely grateful for certain child-free/childless friends, because some of them DO give great energy to my kid, as well as provide me with grace and understanding. I offer them as much flexibility as I can afford, but sometimes friendship is running errands together or talking over cups of tea while I sweep baby crumbs, and some people aren't satisfied with that 🫠 Which is their choice, but even in this video she makes it sound like people with children "just never make time," and while that can be true (especially the more kids you have), it also begs the question what the child-free people are willing to make time for. If sitting on a park bench chatting while kids play isn't exciting enough, then yes, I suppose a lot of people with children won't otherwise have time for planning cruises or spontaneous late-night outings.
As a woman who decided early on in life I didn't want children I can't tell you how many times I was literally harassed by people about how I was wrong for my life choice. By one of my parents to the point where I felt uncomfortable and cut myself off from the rest of my family when they started having children, to co workers, to friends. Now I have a lot of friends who are child free and it's so much more peaceful.
I only judge people who have lots of kids and who can't take care of those kids and then the kids become a burden on the resources of the country in which they grow up. If you can afford to have a large family and have the time to invest in raising happy and healthy kids, that's wonderful!
@@maruskaehrensdorfer that’s true. It can go the other way, too. An individual with no children can become disabled or simply aged, and require the resources of their country as well. An irresponsible and poor planner is an irresponsible and poor planner, whether they have children or not. So people who have no children are not exempt from the ill feelings of others. No one can avoid every judgement.
I think this camp is growing. I'm 31, and majority of my cousins (8 out of 10) don't have children and don't plan on it. Seems odd, as coming from Portuguese parents and tradition grandparents, that we all ended up wanting different things in our lives. And honestly, my parents have taken it really well considering the fact my sister and I both don't want kids. Sadly though, I watch myself get older, as friends and relatives "peel away" once they have their own. Their lives are now about the children. And frankly, it has been more of an issue for them then myself since the moms complain they don't see me enough lol.
I have yet to find such ppl in real life lol. Lately I've been attracting alot of friends that are at least 6 years younger. I relate to them because they don't have kids, but I can feel the age difference lol. I'd love to have child free friends!
@snuggisthecute So relatable! I recently made some younger friends too. At some point though I thought to myself 'How can she/he be so naive? How can she/he be so childish?', but another voice in my head has answered that questions: 'Well, it might be because they are 10 years younger than you' 😅
I am childless not by choice. I am childless because of infertility. I grew up in an asian household where there is pressure everywhere to have children. I've had depression after a miscarriage and from my inability to conceive again. People absolutely have no idea how painful and hurtful it is when they ask WHY I don't have kids. Now I'm 44, mentally tougher and learned not to shy away from such questions. I just say no i don't have kids and proceed to do my job because I have no desire to tell strangers of something so personal and painful for me. I really hate it when coworkers ask very personal questions about my private life when it's none of their business.
Asian too, Obviously. But considering the state of the planet, I’m not exactly the best person to turn to for a full throated endorsement of a nuclear family. People have this ‘vision’ in their minds of what their family is going to be. And it usually turns out very wrong.
I had a similar path with infertility, and people truly don’t realize how hurtful their questions and comments are. We tried out foster care and it was a nightmare, so at the end of a long journey, my husband and I decided to be child free and enjoy the other aspects of life that we are interested in. We lean into relationships with godchildren, nieces and nephews. My response to people’s rude questions is that children weren’t for us and I leave it at that. We are very happy now, but people asking those questions can open up old wounds.
I'm 63 I was in my mid 30s when I miscarried a child and almost bled to death... that ended my ability to have children. When folks ask me well why don't you have children? That miscarriage changed the whole trajectory of my life... I'm forever stuck between those who have living children and those who never had children... always on the outside.
So sorry that happened to you❤️Maybe we who are parents should be way more caring towards people without children. At least: not judge, not ask and instead listen and give room for different life experiences. Be respectful ❤️
Always feeling on the outside is not your doing. It’s a symptom of humanity and society’s inability to accept others who don’t mirror them. Humanity needs to evolve beyond its limitations. We are capable of this now. We don’t need to wait. Deprogramming ourselves is achievable and necessary. No one should feel like an outsider just because they are on a different path or having a different life experience.
Im so sorry and wish people had more compassion to not ask other people about why they don’t have kids. If a person doesn’t say why, then we all just shouldn’t ask. Just have some compassion.
Also married and childfree. My reason is super stupid, but I don't see it mentioned enough: it's not about the child, not about not liking children. I LOVE babies, they are the cutest. If they were only like chihuahuas, so they could stay small forever, I would love having it. But they do grow, and I have no interest whatsoever on parenting 11 year-olds, then teenagers, then annoying grumpy adults just like me. People focus too much on the kid stuff, BUT IT WILL GROW! It's not about liking kids, but liking human beings (which frankly, I don't and I think we have more than enough). 😅
THIS! I don’t wanna have kids cause I don’t wanna be the reason another human is fucked up and that is bound to happen 😅 plus! Yeah, we don’t need more humans here right now 🤣✨
this is the most stupid reason not to have kids. I totally accept peoples' decision to do anything with their lives, but not wanting to have a teenager or an adult son/daughter? If you are a good smart person, they will be amazing people.
@@V.D.22 even more stupid reproducing without thinking about the lifelong commitment that a child is 🤷🏼♀️ being a “good person” does not assure anyone that a child will be one too.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm 51, no children and never wanted any. I'm quite content with my childfree life. People sometimes feel sorry for me, but that comes from their perspective and I don't take any notice. If you're happy without children, you've made the correct decision for you and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
But what to do if there is no close people around you , close friends? Then I should have a child no matter it takes? How not afraid 70-80s age with deseas when you not needed anymore?
It's not attractive even for those of us with kids........ Some people are just braggarts and annoy us too. I annoy my mom by posting dog pics on fb though. She has come around and likes her beautiful grand dog. (Not quite as much as grand kids though. lol)
Omg if the desire to have them isn’t there,DONT have them. I always wanted children, and when they came I secretly questioned my life choices. I can’t go as far to say I regretted having them, but boy I really felt like my wings were clipped. I felt trapped a number of times. Childfree is a valid and a beautiful life choice
Same, same. It never occured to me not having kids. Never even thought of that as an option (for me) and I would have all four of them again any time. But gosh, from day one of being a mom I absolutely understood why women wouldn‘t want children, and I whole heartedly support that decision. Same with having „only“ one child.
@@ankavoskuilen1725 hmmmI would say it’s different to the feeling of being trapped ina job because you can leave a job at any time, they will find a replacement for you and survive. You can’t do that with children. Once they’re here, your responsible for them for life. And there are no breaks, not really. In my case my mum has mental health issues and their grandma on their dads side lived in another continent, so I was not able to let them stay with grandparents. You are on call 24/7, 365 as a parent . It’s a much more foreboding feeling. I love my children so much, don’t get me wrong, but those feelings were still palpable.
@@ankavoskuilen1725true, folks can very easily feel clipped in any lifestyle. We all tend to think the grass is greener on the other side of the tracks
38 years old,virgin, no dating ,chilfree by choice living in Africa ( where to live like that is not easy) but, i don't Care about the opinions of people and i looooovvvvvve it 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤
Do people try to push dating on you? Just wondering because since I divorced my husband 5 years ago people have been pushing me to date. Asking me if I’m dating, if I’m on the dating apps, if I’m thinking about dating etc… I’m like NO I’m not interested in dating anyone else ever. I am so perfectly happy with me and my cats why would I want to ruin my life by dating.
I’m 74 and childless by choice. People ask the wrong question. The default should be child free until one knows why one wants children. It’s the most important decision because it lasts one’s lifetime. Society has its priorities backward. I knew at 18 I didn’t want children and never regretted that decision. I never felt invisible and feel I’ve lived the life I wanted.
Everyone has that sense of belonging, but we can't let it overwhelm our lives, as the real value is in within. 100% agreed, so many people shouldn't have children, yet they do. Politicians want more voters, but people don't really ask themselves question if they want to, it's done before they know it, as they're living oblivious lifes.
Another point: Your time isn't any less valuable because you don't have children. If they look down on the way you live your life or judge your plans as "superficial", they are probably jealous or projecting their own dissatisfaction on you. I would have a real conversation with them about it if they were doing this, because it's really their problem. True, well-adjusted friends would love to see you thriving.
I agree. Sounds like they are judging her, and it sounds as if their judgements are affecting her. I would create boundaries and distance from people who don't want to see others thriving or are jealous of people who don't have children. Just meet people who don't have children and don't give so much time to judgemental people even if they are in-laws. Boundaries is the answer. But I think it's great she said how she honestly feels because that's how she can find solutions to not letting them affect her.
I got married young at 20 but didn’t have kids until I was 27 and then 29. My husband and I got to enjoy being a married couple and our freedom to do whatever we wanted, travelled, saved, and bought a nice home before becoming parents. We truly love being parents and we continued to have adventures even when we had a baby and a toddler, just a different kind of fun and adventures then. However, I love being friends with women who have no kids. My bestfriend is one of them. It’s such breath of fresh air when we can have a normal conversation that has got nothing to do with kids or parenting. I feel like the old me bc we’ve known each other before I had kids. She and I have way more in common than other mothers I’ve met. Having kids doesn’t guarantee that your sweet baby will be close to you when they’re grown adults. In fact, I’ve met a lot of elderly people whose kids have caused the so much pain and misery. So I absolutely do not blame those who chose not to have kids.
same!! I got all my partying out and had my kids at 27 and 30. My best friend doesn't have or want bio children. She has a teenage step son who prefers spending time at their house over his mother's (who has been prioritizing her boyfriend over her child's needs). But they still have plenty of childfree time. She is very gracious and understanding that my kids are up my @$$ 24/7, but I do try to reserve dates for just the two of us.
@@jumpiam8477 the only reason I have a house is because my veteran husband qualified for a VA home loan with no down payment 😬. I have no idea how people are able to buy a house otherwise in this economy! It's a whole scam.
@@jumpiam8477 thank you, we do feel blessed. We were probably ahead than most people bc we entered in our marriage without student loan debts or consumer debt. My husband joined the Army and I was on scholarships. Plus we didn’t have kids from previous relationships and no divorce. We started fresh. From my observation, those who have had divorces and kids from previous relationships carry debt with them from custody battle and lawyer fees on top of other debt that makes it difficult to buy a house.
I’m in my 30s, childfree with no desire to have kids. My life is so filled with rest and comfort that I am seriously not bothered by anyone who tries to make me feel bad about my choice. I’m not even bothered by the loss of friends who become parents! 😅 Whenever I wonder what it would be like to be a mom, my body tenses up and I get immediate anxiety. No thanks to kids.
Same!! When I think of having to be responsible for something constantly and all the sacrifice it would be, it really makes me feel anxious!! I've had what I would call "nightmares " about it lol
40’s here and same. Every time I even imagine having kids I feel like something is sitting on my chest 😂 It was a well thought out decision I do not regret.
I felt this way, identico, in my 30s. I do not regret my choice not to have children, bcs I know it was the right and only choice for me, with what I am working through in this life. But it changes in your 40s. I appreciate this woman for speaking about it, bcs I havent known how to put it to words exactly. I relate to each and every word she has spoken here. Perhaps if being child-free was not a choice made out of severe past trauma, I may feel differently, than I do now. But in ways, I do in fact feel robbed. In retrospect, i feel robbed of a lot of things, as a result of severe childhood experiences; childlessness is only among them. Im not making myself a victim, ive made my choices, and ive made the best choices I was capable of making with the consciousness ive had available to me at the time. But there is immense grief for all that could have been and all I could have become, if i had not had the living shit kicked out me spiritually emotionally & mentally each and every day as a child.
I am not a mother yet, but I desire to be one soon. I just want to be a good one that a little human deserves 😊. It's a deep desire and inner push I can not explain. Thats why I have a lot of respect for every woman who has come to the realization that she does not want kids. It's not a decision one makes overnight, and it's responsible to know what you want and don't want in life. Our job is to respect each other's decisions. What a person chooses to do with their life is none of our business. 😊
I am a 41 year old male with autism. I had turned 41 years old on May 25th. I work part time at Walmart, don’t drive, and still live with my parents. I would like to live on my own and get married one day but don’t want any children. Part of the reason why I don’t want children is because raising children will be a lot for me with my autism.
You can get married and have a life without children. You may enjoy the company of woman who also has autism. I pray you find the right match for you. Just an FYI, my husband didn't realize how similar he is to his father and brother, who both have autism. The very things that make him so decent and good are the things that also make it hard for him to support us financially. I support us financially, which I really resented for over a decade. But, he homeschools our boys, and he's awesome. There's love out there for you. Just steer clear of a neurotic woman like me. I really wish I could be less neurotic like the friends I have with autism.
@@MsSimpleMovies Thanks for praying that I find someone. A woman with high functioning autism like me would probably be good for me. Long ago they didn’t really know what autism was or knew much about people who were special needs so your husband’s father probably grew up not knowing that he was special needs and have autism and your husband and husband’s brother probably didn’t know they were special needs and have autism either. My parents always knew I was special needs and have autism and was first put into Special Ed at 3 years old.
Just because you were put in a special needs class doesn't mean that you are autistic. They do this all day every day just because they get more in federal/state funding. It's all about money. There is autism (when a person is not aware of their disability and their is no way to explain to them) and there are people with sensory processing disorder/behavioral problems who can be reasoned with but often unable to control their impulsed due to sensory overload. Look up: Dr. Stanley Plotkin Deposition. He is the cause of autistic-like-behavior in children who are not autistic. The rest of excused that they give to general public is just a cover up so they don't have to pay their victims.
I don't have ASD but I am diagnosed ADHD. I like children but I don't think my sensory sensitivities could handle children 24/7/365. I will help out and babysit to give parents a break but I want to come home to adult company (my husband) and my cat.
I suspect we (geriatric millenials) will be the last to feel this way. I have a lot of younger friends (as well as some older childfree friends). my childfreeness is no longer edgy or special for them. The massive wave of childfree people coming up are going to do many things differently; it will be interesting to see how society changes.
I think you’re right. Plus, it depends on one’s social circle. And, can I just say that you made me want to change my channel name to ‘geriatric millennial’ 😀 I love it so much!
@@Ags-silver-40s I do have one super amazing bechilded (geriatric millennial) friend who reeeeally strove to maintain her own personality, friends, and interests while also being an invested mother. Her kids are difficult teenagers now, and while the aforementioned lady and I were in Vietnam this yr having a girls' holiday and getting drunk on a train (as she's blessed with an invested partner who shares the load, even though the kids aren't biologically his), she said "actually your decision to not be responsible for another person 24/7 was really very sensible." I said, "I know" hahhaa. But yes... the lingering stigma... is a thing. I think it's changing tho.
I’m 39. My parents divorced when I was 3. I was subjected to a multitude of adult situations that became my problem and stole my childhood from me. I have pretty severe medical problems, paying anywhere from $3,000 to $8,000 a year to maintain my crappy health. If I were to get pregnant, there’s a high likelihood that it would die or I would have severe complications and possibly die myself. I’ve had 3 major surgeries and have a very absent support structure from my family. Yet, I am selfish, immature, and irresponsible because me and my husband do not want and may not be able to have kids. Our life is difficult and our struggles are ignored. My brother recently had his first and only kid, and my parents now jump through hoops to spend time with them while ignoring me. It’s a bitter pill that I never asked to take. Thank you for this video, I wish more people considered things aren’t always so easy for us childless people.
Children are so cute and bring new life to the world. You get to go to soccer games and art fairs again. It brings life back to the sometimes tiresome existence. It can also noble to not do it if you aren't feeling it or can't. My in laws had so many grandchildren that when we announced we were having our first, they didn't bat an eye. (My husband is 5th child and the baby.) My own mom made up for it, but there was a sting and resentment.
I can relate so much to your story! We have a similar one, with health issues, no emotional support from the extended family or friends, we are trying to conceive for a very long time and went through hell doing this (misscarriges, surgeries, almost losing my life 2 times). Definetely no understanding, but lots of judgement from everyone. Also adoption is really difficult in my country, adopting a child from birth is not possible and there's an "adoption mafia", basically kids sold into adoption. The process is also very long, can take up to 8 years to finalize. Still, people who don't face these problems always ask and judge us because they think IVF or adoption is a very simple solution, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Our friends almost stopped inviting us to parties/outings because they only want friends with kids. Parents also give all their time to our brothers or sisters with kids. It's understandable up to the point everybody starts judging and giving unsolicited advice. None of these people were there for us in our hard times, not even with a phone call. And me and my husband feel that we are always the ones to compromise, to listen in silence to other people's problems and offer support without receiving anything in return. The alternative would be to lose everybody, to live like monks ( which we already kinda do). We are 40 years old and don't know anyone without kids. Even the ones that got married late now have kids. Noone can relate to what we go through and we get a lot of judgement from friends with kids. I have tried to help some with baby sitting and so forth, but they feel like they deserve to be helped, almost no gratefullness from them. It's a really crappy feeling to be used because it's christian to offer help to those in need. Apparently it's not christian to be gratefull or offer help in form of emotional support. In my experience many friends with kids can be extremely selfish.
I'm Brazilian and I feel very sorry for some countries with this kind of culture. I'm 41, divorced and no kids and I've never had any of these problems. I have many friends with and without children and we all get along very well. Also, some of them are getting pregnant at their 40's, I still want to but nobody is rushing or justifying themselves. I'm very grateful for my beautiful country and its beautiful people. 🙌🏼🙏💚🇧🇷
This is so cool to hear. I wonder if this is because Brazilians prioritize socializing more than Americans in general. Some people with kids are isolated from others because they are raising them without support of family and then are only able to speak with other parents about children because thats their whole life. I read in Spain there are many bars and restaurants with kids sections with toys etc so its much easier to socialize with a variety of adults and still keep an eye on your kids.
I have had long term health issues so definitely no parenting for me.But at 40, a simple ‘no’ is the answer. No explanation necessary just as I would never ask someone why they did have kids! I’m happy and hopefully you’re happy, let’s enjoy life and be happy for one another 🎉
I think young people might be curious and ask questions if they themselves are thinking about not having children and are looking for a reason to feel valid due to society’s pressure to have children. If it’s older people asking they are probably just being nosy and aren’t thinking about the fact that it might be a touchy or annoying subject. There shouldn’t have to be a reason other than not wanting them.
When i answer “No”, its always followed with a “why not?” And then suggestions as to why not. SO annoying. And its always in a situation with people that are distant family so i dont want to embarrass certain people with a brusque answer. But I’m sick of it. Next time i get asked this question I’m telling them its none of their business. If you dare ask such an intrusive question you need to be prepared for a raw answer.
@@sherig1376 yes because it’s unnatural for females to not have kids. It’s their biological role that they’re physically, emotionally, and mentally built for. It’s like asking a rat why it doesn’t want cheese
I'm a 37yo mother, and this was a very good insight to a childless life. I've never understood why people ask "are you going to have kids? And why?". I just can't imagine the darkness you could be bringing out of that person. I've always considered it none of my business, and it's up to that person to tell me or not. All that i care about in people are; are they nice? Are they happy? Everything else is irrelevant. People are far too judgemental.
No, it's just people are wishing you well. People don't understand loneliness until they hit 50+. By then its too late to change anything. So naturally people wish you well by reminding you that clock is ticking.
@@KellyKelly-qd7my people don't understand that it's completely possible to be lonely in your old days even if you had your biological children. There's so many lonely elder people out there, who "put all their eggs in one basket", thinking that their children will be there for themselves on their old days the way they were for their children when they were young. They didn't have time/interest to create strong friendships or other platonic relationships since their family kept them socially content. Meanwhile, childfree & single people used their time creating these relationships, and would have people interested in themselves personally in their old days, rather than their children, for whom you might be the caretaker they don't need anymore as an adult, while having their own busy family lives.
@@KellyKelly-qd7my. But many of us single and childless folks don’t really get lonely. We can be pretty content on our own.. plus, there are many people out there that are married with kids and they complain about being lonely and/or unhappy .. so having children is not always the answer to the answer for loneliness
Child free and dual income is nice!!! I’m sorry, I’m 42 and I have to be careful what I share with my friends who have kids because I can actually do more. Now, I am a happy aunt of twin boys and I love kids, but the state of the world was a real factor for me not bringing in more.
The being careful what you share is so interesting. But it also speaks to the fact how aware you are of your surroundings and how thoughtful towards other people.
I know I'm late to watching this video, but I so relate to this. I'm 42 as well, childfree and married. We both have good jobs which enable us to go on nice vacations every year. I don't want it to seem like I'm bragging when friends or my sisters might be struggling to afford going even on a local vacation.
Partying in your 50s? I’m 44, childless and I don’t drink or do drugs. I study and go to the gym. I’m sorry, but I don’t respect your lifestyle choices, even though we are both childfree.
@@audreyandrea460 who said anything about drugs?? I like a drink but I'm not an alcoholic! People are free to do what they like within reason. I also keep fit, volunteer and run a business. I'm very busy enjoying life. Luckily I don't need the approval or the respect of anyone, I'm an adult.
@@audreyandrea460 Wow. I agree with the other comments. You can "party" by just enjoying time with your friends at a restaurant or at a dinner party or at a pool party - many other things that don't involve drugs but just having fun. Using the word "party" really triggered you to a massive assumption.
Thank you for this! I am 44, married, and child free. My husband and I tried for years to have children. We considered adoption, but after going through infertility treatments, I didn't think I was up for what could be years of trying to adopt. I felt like I had to prove myself worthy of being a parent. Ultimately, I gave up. I suppose I'm now child free by choice, but it was after many years of contending with my and my husband's mental and emotional well-being.
It may be controversial what I'm about to say. But, personally, I don't think this is giving up. You made a calculated decision to save your own life and your husband's from years of hardship when those years are more and more limited, particularly when you're in your 40s and up.
We are not always given the choices we wish for, I think we need more of an attitude of accepting what life throws at us - many people want kids and don't get them because of either infertility or not finding a suitable person to have children with - and many people end up with kids they didn't want (and sometimes resent) because they are told sex is a fun leisure activity that has been disconnected from pregnancy by technology (it hasn't). I think we now see life through the lens of consumerism but some things we don't get to choose, children are a gift (planned OR unplanned) but not an entitlement. You are not childless by choice (the fact that you even tried artificial intervention shows that) but you do get to choose accept it rather than put yourself through stressful/unnecessary medical treatment.
@@hollythebordercollie2257thank you for that.I am in the same situation of wanting and not getting it. Took a while not to get bitter about life. I don’t know what the future holds but for now I’m just trying to be positive again 😢
@@hollythebordercollie2257 oh I am VERY MUCH child-free by choice! If the worst case scenario (pregnancy) had ever happened, I would've terminated the pregnancy. I'm now 49 and my 50th birthday is getting closer and I have zero regrets. I've always known that I didn't want children and I did everything that I possibly could to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Some of us are really not meant to be parents and luckily we are self-aware enough to know this. I wish more people who don't really want children would be more responsible in their choices and not burden the world with their unwanted kids.
@@maruskaehrensdorfer Or put themselves 100% into their unplanned kids - I was unplanned but very much loved, my kids were completely planned and the best (if most exhausting) thing I have ever done - my regret is I didn't have more!
Most of these people who are quick to judge are parents of small children. These people haven't gone through teenage and early adulthood years yet. I've always found humorous the whole "when my kids are 18 I can finally live for me" thing. It's like bitch have you seen modern parents these days? Who has it like that? Your kids aren't going anywhere THE DAY or even THE YEAR they turn 18.
Many couples choose to have kids at some point and it's challenging to find other couples who are choosing not to have kids. Personally I do try to go out and find friends that are kid-free or older but it's quite challenging. And it can be lonely at times.
@@alheli9 ahh yes I can relate to that. I’m childless and no gf or wife(it’s by choice) and I’m 37 - I find it very difficult to meet like minded people that don’t have kids. I’ve tried to hang out with old friends that had kids and that’s not my cup of tea. Not to be rude but I have no desire to talk about someone’s kids and let’s be honest - most parents love to talk about their children lol So it’s definitely strange to live like this. I find it quite hard to relate to people in my age group
@brianmeen2158 I feel your pain. My husband and I do not plan on children and it certainly complicates friendships when one or both parties have children. Young children especially tend to make their parents disappear from socializing with non-parents.
I am married and childless at 40, have a very fulfilled life with many godchildren and nieces and nephews. I don't want one my self. I don't think I am missing anything. It is a topic I have been thinking about since I was 8 years old. I very much like being the cool dotting aunt that both the parents and the kid are happy to see.
Im 35F, Married and childfree. Im shut in type too and dont have friends. I have literally zero social life and Im fine with it. My in laws think Im depressed and sad but I dont feel that way. Being alone and home gives me peace. That's all I want in life. The thought of having a child just gives me anxiety. I cant see myself having to take care of another human when I canr even wake up at 8 am.
40 yr old man. No kids, not married. Your circumstance is a bit different from mine. Kids was always a maybe for me. In my case I ran into health issues at 25 and was real sick for a lot of years. And now still dealing with some health struggles. I don't have enough money or energy to do all that. Occasionally I feel like I'm missing out but for the most part I still enjoy life. In fact moreso than many folks around me with kids. It's only my health that can get in the way of that. At the end of the day my opinion is it is your life. You get to decide what to do with that. It doesn't make you selfish, and fact many folks that are parents can be selfish and self-absorbed. It's a choice. And in the instances that it's not, find acceptance and a place of peace. You aren't less of a person not having children. To those that judge I say f*ck em. As far we know we only get one of these lives. Don't waste it worrying about people's opinions and judgements. Truth is if you had kids those kinds of individuals would judge you anyways for some other reason so screw up. Live you life and enjoy the one you got.
I do think that we childfree people wonder all the time about having children and then we hear or see something & then we get the reminder that we made the right decision! The isolation aspect is hard, I am 40 next year and would like to meet childfree friends or people with adult children. The judgement from society is now overbearing, it wasn’t like this before at all, but I think with the cost of living crisis and the learning of individuals neurodivergence, a lot of people with children have become bitter & want you to suffer too! Which makes sense, because I would be pissed too! But, not my problem! Also, most parents are selfish and live in their nuclear family bubbles, there is no thoughts about how others feel, they rarely show up to help others outside of themselves and expect all the attention & benefits from society. Childfree people contribute a lot to society and we are also scapegoated a lot too! I would say the way society treats us, is definitely the downside to being childfree! But, I will not be having children to be a part of the entitled parent club!
Fully agree and I couldn't have said it better! My intention was to convey these truths as a set of observations, but that are also based on my own behaviours, including when I pushed people away or didn't reciprocate.
I have no children or family never wanted anything to do with the none sensecal matrix I can't agree with you more well said 👏 you won the internet today I love your words "their nuclear family bubble..." 💯 Truth. Thank you for sharing 🙏
I am a 41 year old childless woman and I feel none of these things! I don't hang out with people who like to talk about their kids, I don't justify myself to anyone and I definitely don't wonder. If I ever decide that I want a child, I will adopt - that's it for me, no wondering. As for the superficial - I honestly cannot relate. If you do meaningful work, your life is not superficial. I think the author really hangs out with the wrong people. As for being looked down on - I had that happen once, and I just cut contact with those people because if they think a woman is defined by her child-bearing ability, they do not deserve to be in my life.
Had my son later in life (38) and can totally relate and confirm that others value my time and choices far more now that I am a mother. It sucks that women continue to be valued by whether or not we bear children- society is so conservative in many ways
Do you really think that? That it's "conservative" to have children? Or that women, to be "modern" should not have children? How would that work? That seems a way not to have a functioning society within a generation.
That's because people relate to each other through shared experiences. 80% of women have children so the same proportion will relate to you and the rest, not as much. I don't think that it's in a judge mental way, especially in our times.
Well I mean in America literally 95 percent of the men under age of 55 aren't financially ready for a family. It means we should be going for older men when we are young. NOBODY tells us this we have to go through the hell of life to figure it out. Now I'm 41 and getting ready to pay a matchmaker thousands of dollars to introduce me to marriage ready men. 😢 Life is tense folks
i just was with a woman friend with kids (I don't have kids) and we were talking about that we are busy. And she said "and I have kids!". Her kids are adult, teen, and preteen. She does not work. But, I do work a very demanding job where I counsel suicidal people almost daily. But, this is invisible to her. I am not as busy in her eyes because I don't have kids. And the implicit feeling was also 'not as important,' even though I too help people stay alive for a living. At one point in the conversation I mentioned that I am very alone much of the time because I do live alone and my work is online. She laughed and said "me too!" though she lives with her husband and 2 children. Invisible, yes. Relatable.
@@NoBodyShantiit’s why I’ve given up trying to maintain a friendship with a mom. I’m over trying to accommodate her life. I’m making room for people who prioritize me. Even if I had a child I would still prioritize my friendships, my romantic relationship and my job and myself. Being a mom shouldn’t consume all aspects of a mom’s life, it’s a choice. I think some mom’s are used to being guilted into only prioritizing being a mom but I also feel some mom’s use it as an excuse to not care about calling you back or making the trip to hang out. Everything revolves around them prioritizing their child and if that’s what they choose to do then they have to accept losing me as a friend now. I’m done waiting around to do anything with them. It’s depressed me actually and now that I know I deserve better I’m letting those friendships go
I understand you and your friend where you/she is coming from. You can have a large family and still feel alone...it happend to me. On the other side being without children can also be challenging because life in itself is a challenge. From far, maybe you both are overwhelmed by life and should find a way to communicate?
So true. I got really old fast after having kids. I noticed wrinkles, gray hair and I developed a thyroid issue right away. Now my hair texture and health are permanently affected. Kids are great and a blessing but they drain you. I even read that the gray matter in the brain is affected due to pregnancy and does not come back to its original state. The more you love your kids (not every parent loves their child ie narcissists), the more you sacrifice of yourself for them and it gives you happiness to see them thrive but the downside, for some people like myself, is the rapid onset of aging and daily stress.
Same here. Never ever wonder. Luck has it I have many good friends with no kids and even with the ones with small kids are pretty cool and it’s not always about the child with them.
True and tbh, there have been little snippets where I feel it would be nice to have a kid but most of the time I find myself often glad I don’t have kids .. I see the things many friends I have are going through and like “eww that is definitely not for me”. 😃
I'm 55 and chose to not have children in my early 20s - I've never regretted this and never apologized or made justifications for it. When asked (and I still get asked and told I can adopt (really unbelievable at my age)), I tell people it was a lifestyle decision and that shuts down the conversation. I always took the attitude that if someone didn't want to be my friend because of this, then fine.
I'm a 41-year-old childfree married woman. The older I get, the more I realise that not having children was the best decision I've ever taken. Since my teens I knew parenting wasn't for me. I've always been so judged for that, especially by women. Even now that I'm already under treatment for perimenopause symptoms, people (women) still think I have to justify myself. But I don't anymore. I just say: "I'd rather not talk about it". I've never wondered what my life would have been like with children. I love being childfree.
I just like you (well almost because I'm about to finalize our conscious uncoupling 😁 that will formally end an 18 year marriage), though a little older (mid 40s). though I never had to justify my decision not to have kids. It was the best decision I have made not only for myself but, more importantly, for the child I did not have. I would have been a shitty mother because I knew basically from day one I did not want to procreate and saving my own child from what I experienced from my own parents, who had seven! children in total but probably did not want any of them, only had them because it's "what you did back then" and they also provided free labor on the farm my parents owned. I have never had the "baby itch" and find babies quite gross to be honest. I don't like to be around kids, hell I don't like to be around adults because most behave like they never passed the 12 yo stage. I love my life more every day and have never wondered or regretted not to have children.
I commend on all the women who chose this path. Good for you. I became invisible at 36 when I lost my spouse to Cancer. And to top that my child was ASD. Could not fit and now it is just me and my ASD child. I hardly get 4 hours to sleep.Unable to go to a restaurant or a vacation. Any life is better than this. I envy you girls. Enjoy every moment of your freedom to it's fullest.
Nobody is talking about dating. It's not like there are plenty of quality wife material women or plenty of quality husband material men out there. More and more people are avoiding marriage or even committed relationship. It just doesn't make any sense to be in an unhappy relationship for the sake of having kids.
They maybe msrrisge ready but the thing that scares men is the same women getting a divorce and taking half of everything. Prenup is their kryptonite.@ZZealot-y3u
@@ZZealot-y3u Shouldn't the men AND women be financially mature enough? A lot of people still want to keep gender role traditions when it suits them. Hmm
From my point of view, people in relationships are an embarrassing display. You hear things like "We're expecting", and you realize these are fundementally empty people. Separate the two and watch them flail about like headless chicken. So desperately attached to the idea of being part of a whole rather than happy on their own; being their own person and not just some unit where every thought is heard and every minute of every day is shared. I can't imagine living with that need for constant validation and attention. My worst nightmare is not having my own space and my own time to think and reflect. If I were ever to get in a relationship, separate bedrooms would be an absolute requirement.
Your honesty is refreshing! Some of the greatest spiritual teachers did not have children. I think that is one dimension that is open to everyone at all times, so you’ve not missed out.
I centre my life around this knowledge.. it's the one thing that makes me fully say, yeah this is totally okay 👍 Do you have any favourite spiritual teachers?
I appreciate you talking about this. Personally, the older I get the happier I am that I never had children. I wouldn't not have been the kind of parent I think children deserve had I had them when I was younger. My whole life and future prospects would have been irreparably damaged by having a child. I agree that the factors you mentioned absolutely exist, but I also think our attitude matters a lot. For those of us who harbour inner pain or conflict about being childfree, these external factors will trouble us a lot more. It's similar to being a woman over 40 and single. What I found was that people who are married and have kids and are truly happy - or at least mostly happy - with their life choices will never judge you or make you feel "less than". And your friends who are parents who have healthy boundaries and who have supportive partners will absolutely make time for you in their lives. It won't be the same as before, but that's ok. And you can become a part of their kids' lives, if that's what you want, and you can do it on your own terms. Anyone who judges you, looks down on you or makes you feel less than is simply projecting their own inner unhappiness onto you. People like that have to create stories to project onto you in order to support their own self identity. For them to feel secure in their choices for example, they need to feel superior and like they are "creating the future of humanity". By contrast, you are deemed unserious and selfish because you chose not to do that. Or people talk about the amazing feeling of finally being responsible for another life, and how that fundamentally changes you. Well, guess what, for a lot of us who chose to be childfree, we were parentified as children. We were our parents' caretakers emotionally, physically, and often financially from a very young age. We know what it's like to sacrifice everything we are in order to appease another person, except we had no choice in this. I find that people who are married and have kids who talk about how they needed a kid to all of a sudden understand empathy or responsibility were people who had a very different, likely much less burdened upbringing than myself and other childfree people. So overall, if you simply remember that so much of the negativity you experience from married people and / or parents is because of their own projections and their need to justify their own choices to themselves, life gets much easier. Also, it helps to be friends with other childfree people, or older people whose kids are out of the house. They tend to be a lot more interesting to engage with anyway, and often have much more diverse life experiences. Not to say that people with kids can't be interesting people; a lot of the ones I know and am friendly with, are. We usually hold space for each other and our different lives and we still manage to have good, connected relationships.
I'm 55 and I had one child who has severe and profound disabilities and my experience parenting was most devastating of my life. Wish I had never become a parent. Am now happily 4B.
I have a friend who is in a similar boat. 1 daughter with severe autism, she'll need care her whole life. Her husband didn't do his share til she divorced him. So she barely got to go out or have any time to herself for a long time. I am autistic myself, and kinda wonder if maybe it's just as well I didn't have kids, as I may have had a kid like that. I definitely wouldn't be able to deal with it.
Even if you decide to have children there are still uncertainties that follow through. You will mess up somewhere and that's for sure. What if they are born with special needs/ become a person with special needs that needs to be taken care of? What if instead of growing to love them you grow rather indifferent or even abusive towards them? What if they turn out to be a psychopath or a narcissist? What if something terrible happens to them and they die before you or fall terribly ill(such cases aren't a rarity unfortunately)? What if they grow to despise you and try to harm you (like trying to rob you of your money and belongings,try to kill/seriously injure you , trying to ruin your life) ? What if they want nothing to do with you? What if you eventually regret parenthood? And also what if you want a family but doesn't happen for a some reason (fertility issues, a changed mind, certain life circumstances ,can't have them due to serious health problems,become severely disabled,develop serious health problems,poverty,mental/physical health issues,not being with the right person,not having the resources , etc). There are many possibilities. I am not saying either of these will happen but the chance is still there . If you want children and have the means to raise them have them but be aware of the possible risks
I just turned 34 and I've known for a long time that having children was not going to be a part of my plans. I've never had to justify myself, I simply do not want children. I have different plans for my life. All my coworkers have children or are in a relationship and I absolutely feel invisible sometimes, but I still listen because I know it's an important topic for them. I also expect them to listen when I talk about how I went to fashion week or to a ballet or a trip somewhere. Because they know it's important to me. It's all about balance and understanding.
What annoys me is that even people who are childfree by their own choice they often picture their lives like a never-ending party. You can read on internet comments of those brightly/ silly dressed women (ideally with lots of tattoos and who knows what else): 'I am happy, enjoying my life, going out, eating out, travelling' etc. It gives an impression that just because we don't have kids, our development has stopped somewhere in teenage years, and we do not have 'adult people problems '. I do not blame people with children who think so, because this is the picture many of us are showing them. I don't have children by my own, conscious choice, I do NOT party every other day, I actually have problems in life, like any other people do. Thanks for posting this, very relatable, all the best fir you❤
I love my life childless and free. I don't want to fit my Square peg into other people's round holes. I don't want external validation from people with kids. They will never understand and I really don't care. I think the trick is in not trying to please other people. Your life is great. Who the hell cares if others validate it or not.
Childlefree here. First of all, I think we should not explain or justify our decision. Also, instead of feeling isolated, we should look with empathy at those who are so busy with children, because most of the time they have to prioritize children over themselves, while we can do whatever we want in our free time. Usually, parents are sometimes jealous of this. In fact, I don't think they look at people without children with an air of superiority. Some of them maybe, but many look at us with envy hidden by a mask of fake sense of superiority.
Took me awhile to no longer justify the reason I don’t have children, I now am very honest and say I just don’t want them. I am very happy with my choice 🎉😊
This made me tear up. I’ve experienced every thing you mentioned in one way or another. I’m 42 and I do wonder. I am sometimes overcome with grief over never being a mother. I’ve been treated less than for years by my religious family members who put immense value in being a parent. It’s tough.
I am in my 30s and have no plans of ever having children. I have recently become tired of justifying myself to people, sometimes almost complete strangers. My new strategy is to simply say "I cannot have children. I am infertile.". They should be ready for this answer. After all, they are asking about a highly private area of my life.
I don't understand people! I would never dream of asking someone WHY they don't want children! That seems so rude and nosy and just wild to me. You don't have children, that is just a fact people need to accept.
This is all of my pain in a single video. I am happily married and childfree. I adore children, but I can't and really shouldn't have them. I am trying to acknowledge my maternal feelings by being a doting aunt and friend to the kids that are in my life. Thank you for making this video. ❤
This video made me happy that I have no children in my life. I don’t have them, my siblings don’t, my friends don’t. There are zero children in my life sucking up all the time and focus. It’s wonderful.
I'm 39 and childfree. My husband and I agreed we're not having children and do you know what? It's AMAZING! Spontaneous trips, time to relax, more money to buy fun stuff, having a quiet home. We both don't have this big dream of having children and feeling we're only valid human beings if we procreate, so it's a win-win situation. Most pressure I've received came from people in the medical field... And boomers, of course.
Thank you for this discussion. I am 41, I am not married and don't have children, yes, people do look down upon you and it's not so subtle, not being in a relationship or having children is a genuine reason why women land in poverty
I am married, with an adult stepkid who I love, but did not raise. My husband had a vasectomy. I've been with my siblings through their severe struggles in parenthood, and I love their kids. I feel no need to give birth to my own. I tell people all that and they still imply that my decision is frivolous and that I'll change my mind. I have enough love in my life, and I value a good night's sleep! Leave me alone! Lol
I’m 42 single and childless. I learned to be grateful for what I have and ignore what I don’t have. I lot of my friends who have kids are miserable so I’m thankful I have a better life.
It'd be NICE if CORPORATE wouldn't label childless workers not as important b.c they think we don't have responsibilities. MANY OF US ARE NOW TAKING CARE Of Elderly PARENTS. WHY are OUR jobs so disposable. So quick to lay us off cuz we don't have some kid hanging off of our teet honestly it's foul how childless people are treated. SORRY WE DIDNT Want TO CREATE Another BURDEN for the system to have to support. punish us for being responsible, sure.
@@ZZealot-y3u Tha's really strange to hear cause in my country of origin they always prefer people with no kids to avoid countless sickleaves kids usually require.
Tru. 24.our stressed. No time. And financiell problem 24ours. No men. No Support System. Only 1. From my friends but also mostly she do everything. I dont want that for my children, no connection for the releationship with their children. Its like superfical mostly i guess because of time. They Expect the children to become what they never where.but This is wrong. Because children See children do. If you drink and shout....if you always online ....if you stressed. What your children See....do? You here to live what you want to see in your children. I donr like seeing parents letting out their Anger stress on the children.most parents cant calm their self down.surpress everything and it Shows in the child. I worked with children 8.jears. and trust Me they copy of parents.most i dont really like because of the parents Charakter. If parents dont work on their Trauma children are stressfull and burden for them.and most dont take time to heal. So children are your karma. Or your gift. It depends on the parents inner work. Like i said most Just dont innerstand their self. I stop working with children. To much stress Responsebility to Support ignorant parents? No thanks. Stress free.work on my self. And See what will come to me❤❤❤but i think my child is better in heaven thank here on earth ❤❤❤even i work on my self,all this rude selfabsorb people. Do i want this for my child? Hell no !!!
I am 49 and, for years, my go to response to the "Do you have kids?" question has been. . . "So far, so good. No." It lightens the tone, but clearly states your stance on the issue. Bonus: justification is rarely needed. Thank you for such a great video and opening up a conversation.
My mother had children to maintain her facade of "normalcy". She, obviously to me and my father and others, did not have any maternal instincts. When I asked her why she had me she said "that's what people did" and said she had my younger sister to "save" her marriage (translation: try to keep my father trapped). Kudos to women who have no children because they really don't want to. Half of my closest friends had no children. We are in our 60s now, the ones who made it this far anyway, and my having children never affected our friendships. I'm sensitive to what other people are going through and I adjust my conversations accordingly. At this stage of life things really even out anyway.
I don’t think I’ve ever come across somehow who explained this dynamic so well. I’m 39 and I always find myself trying to justify my decisions even when I’m happy. Thank you so much for confirming that I’m not crazy and helping gain some clarity.
About to hit my late fifties, childless and now so greatful for that. But I never had to deal with external pressure or judgement because of it. Not from family, friends or any other. No one ever made me feel that my being childless/childfree was something I needed to justify. Heck, no one ever really brought up the issue except me on few occasions. But I am Icelandic and live in Iceland and we tend not to comment on other peoples private lives unless invited to do so. And there is tremendous freedom and acceptance in such an attitude. You have kids, fine you don't also fine. It is your choice, your life. But if those friends of yours can"t meet you as often as you like, well that is reality but not neccessarily a judgement on your friendships. And I have known people who would happily avoid the in-laws, kids or no kids.
Thank you for your comment. It’s not something I want to define me and I don’t think about it often. But there will be one comment here or there and over the years it accumulates. I think we all should adopt the Icelandic way! 😊
In the U.S. we really do make it our personal business to know every detail about everyone and the reason behind everything. We've completely forgotten that many, many things aren't our business. We have no right to know, and it's plainly rude to ask personal questions. It is simply too familiar. I think the U.S. needs a reset on proper etiquette and conversation. How did we become such disgusting people that we stick our noses in everyone else's most personal details? Why are we like that? It's rude and antisocial to interrogate others and create a false sense of shared experience by digging up people's personal details. I don't think we see how destructive and manipulative that habit is. I think we need to remember that most cultures are not as open as the U.S. is, and I believe that stems from our imperialist roots and our belief in manifest destiny.
Thank you so much for this honest video. As a mum of two, I had my children rather late and can relate to many things you are saying. It is two different worlds - childfree and family life with children - and you absolutely should not have to defend yourself for which one you choose.
It is two different planets and one cannot relate to another. You are definitely in a unique situation where you lived in both planets! I would love to hear your perspective on that now that you’ve changed the planet 😊
My kid is 3 years old and despite loving her, I still regret having a kid. It’s an unnecessary exhaustion. Probably people that make you feel the way you feel about kids are not comfortable or courageous enough to admit that they would like to be in your place.
I will tell you what I wish someone told me when my older son was 3, and I was exhausted and desperate. Just wait a few years, it will get much much better. It's not forever. When my son turned 7, we started having quiet time together, reading books, speaking about different things. Now he graduated and left home to live his adult life., but we stay very close friends, and he calls me every day.
No, it doesn't get better. Between 5 and 10 they're more independent, you can talk to them and do things with them, and they still like you. But after 10 they can be a nightmare. Some of us just aren't made to be parents. Heartbreaking for both parent and child. Don't do it unless you really want to!
I don't understand how anyone could think it's appropriate to ask someone if they're going to have kids and then further dig the needle in by asking "why". I know too many people who've gone through years of infertility to feel it's ever okay to ask. If they want to share, I'll let them guide that opening up rather than asking directly. Not everyone wants kids, not everyone who wants kids has them, and none of it is remotely my business.
That is true! But sometimes life gets away from you and you don’t manage to catch up in time. Things happened, people had kids, and you haven’t adjusted. Plus, friendships are whole another topic! 😊
I m a child free woman in my mid forties, and about two thirds of my friends have kids and one third doesnt, and I honestly find it no struggle whatsoever. Their respective kids are between 2 weeks and 19 years of age, and genuinely delightful, all of them, and I m generally happy for them to be around when I go visit those friends. So, if I want to just casually hang out while surrounded by other people, I will go visit my friends with kids in their spacious homes with gardens, they always make me feel so warmly welcome, and are just so AVAILABLE! And if I want intense, focused conversation/ go for a meal/ go on a trip etc etc, I turn to my fellow child free friends. Best of both worlds, what's not to love!!
I think this is indeed something to be cherished. It sounds like you have wonderful friends! My social circle unfortunately shrunk (I made separate video on that). But I am determined to re-build it! 😊
Let's hope so. Im tired of having to give grace because of the kids but it's imperative people be as harsh and judgemental as they can to the childless. I'm tired of giving people passes. LETS BE Honest PARENTS are used to being able to Hide behind the kids. it's sickening
This was such a deeply honest and open discussion on this topic, thank you sincerely. It made me text my best friend (child-free by choice) and check-in about the tone of our recent hangouts with other child-having friends. Many thanks, again ❤
Omg girl, you are so eloquent and intelligent. So high on emotional intelligence. I'm 35 without kids and not married and you are so spot on on every issue! Amazing, keep going!
47 and happily child-free. A husband and a dog are fine for me. I've never felt a need to explain my choices to anyone and I provide just as much value to the world as someone who is a parent. You need to find yourself some childfree friends! My core girlfriend group is child-free by choice and I have never felt invisible ever. Sending hugs.
The other thing I found is that the local school is the hub for community news and events, and so I never knew what was happening in the communities I lived in. Of course, that's different now with Facebook community groups, etc. and it's much easier to keep up.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for making this video. I am 27 and currently doubting my childfree stance for the exact reasons you've mentioned. I somehow thought being childfree is like running away from what I perceive as too unbearable. It becomes clearer and clearer that this choice comes with its own form of pain, too.
Yes! If you decide to be child free you will be at times unhappy with the decision and the same if you choose to have children. There's no perfect choice, there's only a choice that feels more right for you personally. I recommend the book The baby decision, very helpful.
I’m in my 40s, single, no kids, and I regret nothing. If you wanna have kids, great. However, my decision not to is really not something I’m about to debate with someone. Also, you mention that if people start talking about their reasons for not wanting kids, “it’s gonna get dark”. No… it’s really not. Not everything has to be something related to trauma. Sometimes people just have opinions or want things for their life that is different than the majority. No trauma involved. Trying to say otherwise just promotes this idea that women can’t simply make a choice for their life in the way countless men have done. No one thinks they have trauma.. 🤷🏼♀️
I must say, I'm a little awestruck at the self-awareness and empathy displayed here. No bitterness or snarky comments about parental concerns that are typically difficult to relate with when one has no children. No blame or claims with victimhood which is so in vogue nowadays. Well done Madame. As a man who had his child late at 42, for many years I experienced exactly what was described here: not being able to fully relate with parents, a feeling of having missed the boat, an impression of being judged and considered self-absorbed, being deprioritized because the children of others supercede plans made with me, etc. Childlessness is a peculiar weight to carry. It evokes mourning. I was fortunate in the end, especially after 3 miscarriages. In any case, my hat is off to you. I wish other childless people had this level of maturity. And B, never overlook the value of being a foster or adoptive parent. It's a profoundly honorable role. You sound like you'd be great at it.
Thank you, sir! I really appreciate your kind words. It was my very goal to make it sound as non-judgmental and as objective as I possibly can. I am glad to hear this has come through.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciated your perspective. It was refreshing. I am turning 35 soon, and childfree by choice. It is tricky to find people to relate with.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. Many times, I feel invisible on Zoom calls with friends. They each go around and discuss what's new, and when it's my turn, everyone is ready to go to bed, so they end the call. You hit the nail on the head many times I feel invisible, too.
@@Colin-cb8hvWhy do you think it's okay to say such horrible things to strangers? Kids are a guarantee of nothing. They could move far away, go no contact, die or go missing... Life is unfair and unpredictable. Having kids does not ensure anything about that second half of your life. My great aunt was a wonderful person and loved her 5 kids, but they all died before she did, as did both of her husbands. In the meantime I have childfree friends and relatives who are in the second half of their life and are very fulfilled. Please have some manners, and think a bit longer next time before speaking something so negative and spiteful to a person you don't even know
@@Kira_Martel see you’re strong reaction indicates what I said had a lot of truth. I’m telling her what she needs to hear, not what she wants to hear. Everybody knows women without children are less happy because biologically females are mentally, physically, and emotionally built to bear and nurture children. Feminism does not supersede Science. I am deterring other women from making bad choices they’ll regret so I’m doing net good.
@@Colin-cb8hvUntrue. Many studies show that child free women are happier. I know you won't believe this, Colin, because somehow you think you, a man, know better than women and men like you have a vested interest in convincing women to be broodmares/domestic slaves. But strangely, not being treated as unpaid domestic slaves actually results in greater happiness. You genuinely think sleepless nights, exhaustion, constant loads of dirty laundry, cleaning vomit and faeces etc makes women happy 😂 Hint: there's a reason so many women become depressed after having a baby. It's a thankless, miserable experience unless you are very lucky to have the right man and are well off financially. The birth rates are declining for a reason and that's a good thing. Let the women who want to raise kids do it and stop hassling those of us who don't want to.
I'm 45 and childless. I agree with everything you said. Look at the recent 'crazy cat lady' comment. Made the decision in my early twenties to not have kids. Told my now husband on our second date that I did not ever want to have kids. Dealt for years with people laughing and telling me I would change my mind. It was the right choice for me, but sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen differently.
Thank you for sharing. I thought of bringing up the ‘crazy cat lady’ into the conversation but then I thought ‘let’s not even go there’. It’s not worth it. 😊
If it makes you feel better, I wish I had never become a parent. Most painful and devastating thing I have ever done. Should never have become a parent. People can shove it if they don't like it. That is NOT your problem.
@@annmarieknapp I'm sorry you aren't happy. But thank you for your honesty - it's a taboo to share feelings of not liking to be a parent. As well as is a taboo to publicly admit for a child-free people that sometimes they do wonder what it would be like to have a child. I personally don't have children (I'm 25), and I honestly don't know what I want (and also I'm chronically ill female, so this does impact the ability to have a children). What terrifies me most is your scenario - what if I just don't like it (or I'm too ill to care for a child), but then it's irreversible. You can change your job, your partner, your home address, etc. but you obviously cannot undo being a parent. Sending you a positive energy!
@@HealthywholenessFrom a male perspective, there’s a discrimination but with different criticisms I think. I’m 27 (male) at the moment but there are expectations at family gatherings for me to just get married and bring children into the world …. ‘soon’ (whatever that means). It’s sort of viewed as if you’re a ‘coward’, ‘pathetic’ and ‘weak’ for wanting otherwise. By your very existence, it’s required that you go through the struggles of parenting and ‘create a family’ otherwise you’re an outright disgusting failure of a human. Even if those members have the best of possible intentions, it still doesn’t make this perspective suck or any less hateful of others. I highly doubt my experience is unique, but I still have hope we can bring change
I am 51 and childless, yes all those things happened to me socially, and still do, but i don't regret it. Some people just shouldn't have kids and I am one of them.
Thanks for your video. When people ask if I have kids I tell the truth; I don't. Why? Because when I was 4 I just knew I didn't want them. I just didn't. I never did. I got married, got a job, got a better job, got more education. I never felt like having kids. I'm not sorry about it. I don't feel I've missed out on anything. I feel that the root of the true differences between myself and parents I know is actually the way I use my money and all the additional choices I get to make in life. I don't think having more freedoms and choices is superficial at all. It's a choice.
What caught my ear is what you said about not having processed what happened to you as a child and that made wanting children something you didn't feel. I always wondered why I didn't have any feelings of wanting children. So true. I was parentified as a child and it was a very negative childhood. I'm in my 60's now on my 2nd therapist still working through it. I'm feeling much better about children and people in general these days but yeah that's the reason I never had kids. I was worried I would not be good enough and that I would inadvertently harm my children emotionally because of the way I was harmed. I don't regret it and I look forward to connecting with children in the future. They are pretty cute. Almost as cute as dogs:)
No kids. It wasn't a decision, just never happened. At 57 I don't think I'd want to now even if I had the opportunity. I totally relate to what you're saying. In a way, too, I guess I've never completely grown up, not the way being completely responsible for a dependent child tend to force you to do. Well usually, anyway. It definitely creates a bit of distance between me and my friends who are parents or, now, grandparents 😮. Do I regret it? I guess so, but there's not much I can do about it now (as I personally do consider fathering children at 60 to be irresponsible, and in any case I'm really not sure I would want to deal with it at this point).
43, “miserable, childless Catlady” here… An amazing video which really addresses both the freedom but also the loneliness that comes with being childfree because you live a little bit on the outside of society. Also the stigma of being selfish to want your time and money to yourself, and also the lack of desire to run yourself ragged as a parent. I will be tuning in. Thanks.
I'm a fan of people that really, really want kids. Those that prepare and plan. Heck, I got a good friend that's a parent, and he reads books about how to better raise his kids. I admire that and root for these folks, I help them out or try to make their lives easier any way I can. But I'm not one of them. I don't want kids, I planned to do other things with my life. Not all have to fit the same mold!
This resonates with me so well. As a 50 year old childfree married woman from a predominantly breeding culture i felt persecuted all of my 30s. But im happy, fulfilled never missed having children. I love all my nieces and nephews. Yes, the looking down upon or the subtle pity is real. But i have grown beyond that-- i know my life is different good different. Not everyone has to have the same experiences.
I have a child but I can totally see your perspective, I always feel bad when I have to, again and again, decline an invitation from my „no-kid friends” because of responsibilities. I also wonder how my life would be not having a child, because boy, what a ride it is. Difficult pregnancy, months at the hospital, no sleep for two years, risking losing my job cause of constant day off requests, repetitive sicknesses, financial responsibility, buying a house to accomodate the little one, forgetting or not having time to take care of myself , severe worries, and so on. But it’s easier for me to imagine my life without a kid cause I still remember those times. I see this „what it would be like” in my friends eyes when we are out together and a grain of… I’m not sure, sadness? Not because of not having a kid, but because of being somewhat excluded from this world and it’s emotional layer. I wish we were all closer and more involved in all our ways of life.
Being looked down upon, its real. In my former workplace many people was like that because i still dont have children (and for medical reasons i wont have). They saw childless women like third class person.
Oh my . Unfortunately people like that will always be there. The problem is when they are the majority or are in your social circle and can't really avoid them
I'm in my early thirties, childfree and also willingly single since it's pretty impossible to find a partner as an aromantic asexual and I'm rather contently alone than making major compromises against my sexual orientation. Your video spoke very deeply to me, thank you. The feeling of being invisible is so very real. None of your achievements, dreams, passions, victories will ever matter as much as your hypothetical future children. And none of your struggles or fears in life will ever move anyone emotionally the same way the struggles and fears of mothers do. Your life is seen as insignificant or as a phase, rather than a goal and a fulfilling existence. And it's a social süicide if you even hint as an AFAB that you actually really don't prefer to have children, that they're not the great end goal of your life. There's some things you just can't afford to ever say out loud, to avoid be any more ostracized than you already naturally are since you're not participating the events related to children. Nothing really connects you to the society the way a family and especially children do for the majority of people in the society. It's totally up to you to find your social groups, traditions, goal posts in life. They'll probably mean nothing to anyone else since they can't relate, but what matters is that they're there for you.
Thanks for sharing this. Indeed, we will never be able to relate to each other. We always judge and I am guilty of that myself. It seems we're all trying to prove something to someone.
This is so relatable. Knowing about my sexual orientation has given me so much clarity and confirmation that I am making the right decision by remaining single.
Another acearo here, it's difficult to navigate the world when you're outside the norms and you're incredibly wise and self reflective about the social issues surrounding you. I hope you receive kindness and blessings for being your authentic self.
3:21 “You always wonder”…This is so true for me. I’m 47 years old and have never had children, and at this point, never will. I question whether or not I ever wanted children. I have a very happy and fulfilled life. But I can’t help but wonder what being a mother is like…the hardest part is accepting that I’ll always wonder…
2:09 I dismiss the whole “Why don’t you have children” bit with a quick “Mind your own business.” It gets rid of the people who don’t belong in my life quickly and effectively
I appreciate this video! I am 35, on the fence, considering everything before making any decision. Your view definitely matches what I thought it can be a downside of life without children. I also think that once we make the decision, there will always be some kind of wondering about how it could have been on the other side of the fence, we have to choose one and deal with it. Its not easy though, and I am having a really hard time to choose. I see beauty in both paths. Wish you all the best!
I read your comment many times because it just warmed my heart that you would appreciate my humble opinions so much. I am sure you will make the right decision. Often, when we're on the fence, I think we already know what we want, we just need something to push us in that direction. Something to click. You will know best what it is. :)
Omg Im in the same boat. 36, boyfriend of one year, and no kids. All my life I thought I didn’t want kids. Now I’m second guessing… how do you make such an irreversible decision?? 😅
@@aysepersona4194 or terrible and you will regret your dicision forever. There's no way to tell. And before you say smth like 'nobody regrets children, they are amazing!!!' my grandma destroyed my mom's life. She never said she regtreted her, but oh boy you could tell from the first sight. I'd say, if it's not "hell yes!" it's "hell no!"
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I am single and child free. The only thing I wonder is why most people want kids😂 And for all the invisible, isolation etc, just don’t give a damn. Own your life and your choice. There are so many things that are fun and meaningful.
I'm 41 and I don't have any kids. I'm not married and haven't ever really dated. I'm from an abusive home and I'm just now making a break with my past and finding life for myself. Things are really difficult if you come from this kind of background and I'm glad I didn't have kids because I grew up thinking the abuse was normal so I would have abused them too. I also would have picked an abusive partner as well and things would be a lot more complicated. I've grown a lot in the past few years and slowly I'm becoming open to the idea of having people in my life. It's probably too late to have kids, but I'm okay with it because things could have been a lot worse had I ended up with an abusive partner and replicated the patterns that my family taught me.
I think to have the level of self-awareness as you do, is a great quality! It strikes me that you came out on the other side of the horrible. You should be very proud of yourself as it's very hard to achieve.
I really wish I had more social pressure to start a family. I was always on the fence about having children. It seemed like a huge ungrateful headache. I worked in hospitality and I always saw parents looking miserable plus I was afraid of being pregnant and I valued my independence. I ended up having a son at 41 and I discovered that I love being a mama so much! I wish I would have started 10 years earlier. I thought I was so smart and so intelligent but I realized that for me I didn’t actually mature until I became a mother and that I was wrong and foolish about so much when it came to family and children. After giving birth it was like a veil was lifted, suddenly I could see clearly what was important in my life and what wasn’t. I sometimes wondered if I would end up regretting not having children and I would see other childfree people say they were happy with their lives. And now I live with regret that I didn’t start a family sooner. That being said, I did get to live a whole full life before becoming a parent, which means I didn’t have to struggle with that feeling of having my wings clipped or not being able to enjoy being young. On the other hand my sister started having kids(5) at 20 and it’s obvious to everyone around her that she would have been much happier child-free.
I can relate to this video a lot. So glad to stumble upon it. I'm 47 years old and at 40 had cancer (the 1st time) and then couldn't have children. So many emotions in play here. It is very upsetting, especially around the holidays. I'm a teacher so those are my kids in a way but of course it's not the same. Thanks again for a great video and take care. 💜💐
Thank you for making this video! I just turned 30 and I'm thinking a lot about this topic (maybe that's why UA-cam recommended your video to me!) I'm married and I currently don't want to have a child but I don't know how I'll feel in the future. I think it's important to have more representation of childfree people online and in mainstream media just simply living their lives so it becomes more normal. So I'm grateful you bring more visibility to this topic and I'm sure it'll make many people feel seen!
Thank you so much for all the comments and such an amazing and inclusive discussion. I am planning to go LIVE on UA-cam to reply to as many comments as possible and continue the discussion. If you’re interested in joining the LIVE, stay tuned. 😊
UPDATE: Instead of a LIVE stream, I have decided to publish a follow up video that summarises the perspectives of everyone who has shared their amazing stories and views on here. You can watch it here: ua-cam.com/video/u3XctXukBqI/v-deo.html
Thank you for your perspective. You did not attack anyone. You did not antagonise. You stated your truth. I am a 40 year old man and I have kids and I'm tired of hearing all the negativity around this topic. Thank you for not being toxic. I don't really understand but I appreciate your honesty.
@@benjaminmathew260984 thank you very much for this comment, its a comfort to hear the centeredness of your heart & mind
Enaknya jadi manusia =
1. Ada makanan
2. Fisik sehat
3. Panjang umur
4. Punya keluarga
5. Ada tempat tinggal bagus
6. Manusia Jujur
7. Saling toleransi
8. Masuk surga
9. Dapat rezeki.
10. Damai dengan orang.
11. Mempunyai pemimpin yang mendukung rakyat.
Dll
Tidak enaknya jadi manusia =
1. Kelaparan
2. Kadang merasakan sakit , ada yang berkebutuhan khusus ( tidak bisa melihat, tidak bisa mendengar, tidak bisa berbicara ), ada yang sakit berat = stroke , kanker , dll , ada yang kehilangan anggota tubuh .
3. Suatu hari meninggal
4. Ada yang tidak punya keluarga
5. Ada yang tidak punya tempat tinggal atau tempat tinggal jelek
6. Ditipu orang
7. Rasis SARA ( suku , agama, ras dan budaya) , Rasis yang lain.
8. Masuk neraka
9. Harus bekerja kalau mau punya harta
10. Di hina orang
11. Mempunyai pemimpin Tidak mendukung rakyat
Dll.
Maka dari itu saya memutuskan tidak punya anak. Ada gak enaknya jadi manusia. Mungkin anak saya mengalami hal buruk tersebut . Ya walaupun ada enaknya jadi manusia, saya tetap tidak punya anak. ( Indonesia language) .
I was married for 10 years before we decided to finally have a child, we did or at least I did enjoy our childfree years, while my wife was pressured by her parents to have a child, I was too but i didnt care. We decided to have one child because we realized my wife is not such an independent spirit as I am and that she would do better with a child in her life. After all this let me tell you you are missing out on nothing but all the headaches heartaches and sacrifices, I'm aging faster than I ever have been since we've had our son, of course we will raise our son to become the best person he can be for his own sake, not for us, but I do long for time alone working on my craft and travelling quietly with no one bothering me asking to see pictures of their grandson
It was very interesting to watch this video because I'm also 41, in a common-law marriage for 15 years, yet my experience in being childfree is very different from yours. I think it also depends a lot on where you live and the circle of people you are usually around. Maybe these things should be more openly discussed because there are a lot of different experiences and views on it, and people with kids could understand our own life choices better. Yet, whenever these things are discussed online, I've noticed that people with children tend to be quite aggressive and believe their own opinions on the matter are the only valid ones. In reality, there is no right or wrong in individual life choices. Another misconception is that people without children are often viewed as people that don't like kids. It's the most ridiculous fallacious reasoning ever. Some people might, but I don't think the majority does. I guess that, for people with children, that must be the easiest justification for them towards someone who doesn't want children, because they can't understand that choice.
As an unwanted child who was made to feel that way my entire childhood...
Dont have them if you are going to treat them like a burden. Kids arent stupid and will feel that for the rest of their lives.
Good point!! We shouldn’t be pushing anyone to have kids, the only people who should have them are those that are really committed to loving them generously for life.
❤
Same here. If you don't want kids, don't make them carelessly. I have been abused in all ways by my Parents and sister. C-ptsd, chronic depression and chronic pain, can't work a normal job.
Agree if it's not in your heart to have kids you shouldn't and know as a parent there are times you will regret having kids and that's when you know you need more sleep or a break ..I know though I appreciate the baby I had and the husband I have even though sometimes it's overwhelming...life in general is..
Just don’t have them, period. There are thousands of reasons not to, and only ONE reason to have them: selfishness
I’m a 48 years old man, never been married and no children, never had a girlfriend, not even a date my whole life. I am the very definition of an incel 😊. But i live a good and peaceful life, i have everything i need and so much more. One thing i’ve learned living on my own all of my adult life, is that my happiness does not depend on a woman, it depends on me. Life goes on. It’s all good.
I really admire you for that.
You have an amazing perspective and it sounds like a highly developed sense of self. As a 38 yo man, married with 1 son, I enjoyed reading your comment and admire your lifestyle of contentment that I want for myself and my family one day. It's how I plan to raise my son. Stay the course, king! 👑
You're blessed by God. I know it may seem like it sucks. But you're better off brother, these women aren't worth The trouble. You've avoided a lot of misery by staying to yourself.
41 and pretty much the same here. but i have a low wage job where i earn next to nothing so i use that to justify why i have no gf or family. i couldnt support a family with my income. also i cant afford a gf financially.
that makes it somewhat easier to deal with. i know its not the whole truth and i wouldnt have a gf or family if i had a high paying job either.
Not missing much without the female experience.
My opinion as a woman who had children relatively young and ended up having a large family, is that if you make choices anywhere outside what is considered normal, you will face judgment. No kids- judgment. Lots of kids- judgement. People who don't know you personally will always feel free to say and assume the worst of you. Its just important to think about everything very thoroughly and have some close friends who really love and support you no matter what you choose.
This is true. I’m actually wondering what many of the people commenting on here actually think about women who have a lot of kids. Have they ever been annoyed or rolled their eyes seeing women out in public with a lot of children? It’s always good to turn the mirror both ways.
@@JuniperLynn789you also don't even need a lot of kids to face isolation as well. I have one toddler, and am currently pregnant, and sadly a lot of child-free/currently childless friends have just dropped off the radar, because they aren't interested in seeing me if they have to also see my child. They all have lots and lots of time to spend with each other.
I am extremely grateful for certain child-free/childless friends, because some of them DO give great energy to my kid, as well as provide me with grace and understanding. I offer them as much flexibility as I can afford, but sometimes friendship is running errands together or talking over cups of tea while I sweep baby crumbs, and some people aren't satisfied with that 🫠
Which is their choice, but even in this video she makes it sound like people with children "just never make time," and while that can be true (especially the more kids you have), it also begs the question what the child-free people are willing to make time for. If sitting on a park bench chatting while kids play isn't exciting enough, then yes, I suppose a lot of people with children won't otherwise have time for planning cruises or spontaneous late-night outings.
As a woman who decided early on in life I didn't want children I can't tell you how many times I was literally harassed by people about how I was wrong for my life choice. By one of my parents to the point where I felt uncomfortable and cut myself off from the rest of my family when they started having children, to co workers, to friends. Now I have a lot of friends who are child free and it's so much more peaceful.
I only judge people who have lots of kids and who can't take care of those kids and then the kids become a burden on the resources of the country in which they grow up. If you can afford to have a large family and have the time to invest in raising happy and healthy kids, that's wonderful!
@@maruskaehrensdorfer that’s true. It can go the other way, too. An individual with no children can become disabled or simply aged, and require the resources of their country as well. An irresponsible and poor planner is an irresponsible and poor planner, whether they have children or not.
So people who have no children are not exempt from the ill feelings of others. No one can avoid every judgement.
As a child free woman in my late 40s I choose to have friendships with other child free people. Makes life much easier.
I wish there were more child free people around.
I think this camp is growing. I'm 31, and majority of my cousins (8 out of 10) don't have children and don't plan on it. Seems odd, as coming from Portuguese parents and tradition grandparents, that we all ended up wanting different things in our lives. And honestly, my parents have taken it really well considering the fact my sister and I both don't want kids.
Sadly though, I watch myself get older, as friends and relatives "peel away" once they have their own. Their lives are now about the children. And frankly, it has been more of an issue for them then myself since the moms complain they don't see me enough lol.
I have yet to find such ppl in real life lol. Lately I've been attracting alot of friends that are at least 6 years younger. I relate to them because they don't have kids, but I can feel the age difference lol. I'd love to have child free friends!
@snuggisthecute So relatable! I recently made some younger friends too. At some point though I thought to myself 'How can she/he be so naive? How can she/he be so childish?', but another voice in my head has answered that questions: 'Well, it might be because they are 10 years younger than you' 😅
@@Desmond-DarkI think we should all band together and form our own colony.
I am childless not by choice. I am childless because of infertility. I grew up in an asian household where there is pressure everywhere to have children. I've had depression after a miscarriage and from my inability to conceive again. People absolutely have no idea how painful and hurtful it is when they ask WHY I don't have kids. Now I'm 44, mentally tougher and learned not to shy away from such questions. I just say no i don't have kids and proceed to do my job because I have no desire to tell strangers of something so personal and painful for me. I really hate it when coworkers ask very personal questions about my private life when it's none of their business.
🫂 I feel you
I am very sorry. May I ask, if you wish to have kids, why not adopt or via surrogate? There are options.
Same here, minus the pressure from Asian parents….. you are not alone! ❤
Asian too,
Obviously. But considering the state of the planet, I’m not exactly the best person to turn to for a full throated endorsement of a nuclear family. People have this ‘vision’ in their minds of what their family is going to be. And it usually turns out very wrong.
I had a similar path with infertility, and people truly don’t realize how hurtful their questions and comments are. We tried out foster care and it was a nightmare, so at the end of a long journey, my husband and I decided to be child free and enjoy the other aspects of life that we are interested in. We lean into relationships with godchildren, nieces and nephews. My response to people’s rude questions is that children weren’t for us and I leave it at that. We are very happy now, but people asking those questions can open up old wounds.
I'm 63 I was in my mid 30s when I miscarried a child and almost bled to death... that ended my ability to have children. When folks ask me well why don't you have children? That miscarriage changed the whole trajectory of my life... I'm forever stuck between those who have living children and those who never had children... always on the outside.
So sorry that happened to you❤️Maybe we who are parents should be way more caring towards people without children. At least: not judge, not ask and instead listen and give room for different life experiences. Be respectful ❤️
Always feeling on the outside is not your doing. It’s a symptom of humanity and society’s inability to accept others who don’t mirror them. Humanity needs to evolve beyond its limitations. We are capable of this now. We don’t need to wait. Deprogramming ourselves is achievable and necessary. No one should feel like an outsider just because they are on a different path or having a different life experience.
I’m really sorry that happened to you and wish you all the best ❤
I'm so sorry
Im so sorry and wish people had more compassion to not ask other people about why they don’t have kids. If a person doesn’t say why, then we all just shouldn’t ask. Just have some compassion.
When I got the question why you don't have kids, I replied why you want to know. It worked great. They are left speechless 😂
Too good. How do they respond?
Great answer!
@@yellowplasticsporkshe said they are left speechless. Lol they just got slapped that's why
I should try that too!
how old are you
Also married and childfree. My reason is super stupid, but I don't see it mentioned enough: it's not about the child, not about not liking children. I LOVE babies, they are the cutest. If they were only like chihuahuas, so they could stay small forever, I would love having it. But they do grow, and I have no interest whatsoever on parenting 11 year-olds, then teenagers, then annoying grumpy adults just like me. People focus too much on the kid stuff, BUT IT WILL GROW! It's not about liking kids, but liking human beings (which frankly, I don't and I think we have more than enough). 😅
I have two kids and this makes perfect sense to me! not stupid...
@@Noneatall6678 Thank you! ☺️
THIS! I don’t wanna have kids cause I don’t wanna be the reason another human is fucked up and that is bound to happen 😅 plus! Yeah, we don’t need more humans here right now 🤣✨
this is the most stupid reason not to have kids. I totally accept peoples' decision to do anything with their lives, but not wanting to have a teenager or an adult son/daughter? If you are a good smart person, they will be amazing people.
@@V.D.22 even more stupid reproducing without thinking about the lifelong commitment that a child is 🤷🏼♀️ being a “good person” does not assure anyone that a child will be one too.
Thank you for your honesty. I'm 51, no children and never wanted any. I'm quite content with my childfree life. People sometimes feel sorry for me, but that comes from their perspective and I don't take any notice. If you're happy without children, you've made the correct decision for you and it has nothing to do with anyone else.
That's the thing, sometimes it's not an option,there is no choice to make 😢
@@veronicagonzalez2346let the universe work and be happy while here❤
But what to do if there is no close people around you , close friends? Then I should have a child no matter it takes? How not afraid 70-80s age with deseas when you not needed anymore?
Its your choice and life. People are strange putting their views on others.
From my perspective I feel sorry for people who decided to have children... 🫣 Their lives look like a living nightmare from my standpoint
This is why I've sought out friends who are also childless, or close to being empty nesters. I can't relate to parents who only talk about their kids.
It's not attractive even for those of us with kids........ Some people are just braggarts and annoy us too. I annoy my mom by posting dog pics on fb though. She has come around and likes her beautiful grand dog. (Not quite as much as grand kids though. lol)
CHILDFREE!!!
i have sought out childfree people and avoid parents totally.
Omg if the desire to have them isn’t there,DONT have them. I always wanted children, and when they came I secretly questioned my life choices. I can’t go as far to say I regretted having them, but boy I really felt like my wings were clipped. I felt trapped a number of times. Childfree is a valid and a beautiful life choice
Thank you for sharing and being so candid. I really love hearing other people's perspectives. It's absolutely fascinating.
Same, same.
It never occured to me not having kids. Never even thought of that as an option (for me) and I would have all four of them again any time. But gosh, from day one of being a mom I absolutely understood why women wouldn‘t want children, and I whole heartedly support that decision. Same with having „only“ one child.
You can have the feeling your wings are clipped in any situation. I often had it at work so don't worry. It is a normal human experience.
@@ankavoskuilen1725 hmmmI would say it’s different to the feeling of being trapped ina job because you can leave a job at any time, they will find a replacement for you and survive. You can’t do that with children. Once they’re here, your responsible for them for life. And there are no breaks, not really. In my case my mum has mental health issues and their grandma on their dads side lived in another continent, so I was not able to let them stay with grandparents. You are on call 24/7, 365 as a parent . It’s a much more foreboding feeling. I love my children so much, don’t get me wrong, but those feelings were still palpable.
@@ankavoskuilen1725true, folks can very easily feel clipped in any lifestyle. We all tend to think the grass is greener on the other side of the tracks
46, no kids, never married (not dating and no sex for the last 10 years also), no regrets! I have two cats, cats are great!!
I'm 39, never married, not dating and no sex for 18 years. Allergic to cats, so I'm a dog person instead. Absolutely no regrets! 🥳
38 years old,virgin, no dating ,chilfree by choice living in Africa ( where to live like that is not easy) but, i don't Care about the opinions of people and i looooovvvvvve it 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤❤
@@ChrystelMane brilliant, how cool
@@beaulieuc8910 thank you 🙏🏾😊
Do people try to push dating on you? Just wondering because since I divorced my husband 5 years ago people have been pushing me to date. Asking me if I’m dating, if I’m on the dating apps, if I’m thinking about dating etc… I’m like NO I’m not interested in dating anyone else ever. I am so perfectly happy with me and my cats why would I want to ruin my life by dating.
I’m 74 and childless by choice. People ask the wrong question. The default should be child free until one knows why one wants children. It’s the most important decision because it lasts one’s lifetime. Society has its priorities backward. I knew at 18 I didn’t want children and never regretted that decision. I never felt invisible and feel I’ve lived the life I wanted.
This ❤
Well put. And if people make you feel invisible mention it and if they still do it move on from them
Everyone has that sense of belonging, but we can't let it overwhelm our lives, as the real value is in within. 100% agreed, so many people shouldn't have children, yet they do. Politicians want more voters, but people don't really ask themselves question if they want to, it's done before they know it, as they're living oblivious lifes.
The selfish generation passing on bad advice. That's your legacy
@@nickc3856 what’s more selfish than creating bunches of mini me without thinking of whether I am capable of raising them? I’m good with my decision.
Another point: Your time isn't any less valuable because you don't have children. If they look down on the way you live your life or judge your plans as "superficial", they are probably jealous or projecting their own dissatisfaction on you. I would have a real conversation with them about it if they were doing this, because it's really their problem. True, well-adjusted friends would love to see you thriving.
I agree. Sounds like they are judging her, and it sounds as if their judgements are affecting her. I would create boundaries and distance from people who don't want to see others thriving or are jealous of people who don't have children.
Just meet people who don't have children and don't give so much time to judgemental people even if they are in-laws. Boundaries is the answer.
But I think it's great she said how she honestly feels because that's how she can find solutions to not letting them affect her.
I got married young at 20 but didn’t have kids until I was 27 and then 29. My husband and I got to enjoy being a married couple and our freedom to do whatever we wanted, travelled, saved, and bought a nice home before becoming parents. We truly love being parents and we continued to have adventures even when we had a baby and a toddler, just a different kind of fun and adventures then. However, I love being friends with women who have no kids. My bestfriend is one of them. It’s such breath of fresh air when we can have a normal conversation that has got nothing to do with kids or parenting. I feel like the old me bc we’ve known each other before I had kids. She and I have way more in common than other mothers I’ve met. Having kids doesn’t guarantee that your sweet baby will be close to you when they’re grown adults. In fact, I’ve met a lot of elderly people whose kids have caused the so much pain and misery. So I absolutely do not blame those who chose not to have kids.
I love it that you embrace your friend in that way! :)
Buying a house, traveling the world and saving a lot of money before 27 years old sound like a good dream. Not many people can do that these day. 😅
same!! I got all my partying out and had my kids at 27 and 30. My best friend doesn't have or want bio children.
She has a teenage step son who prefers spending time at their house over his mother's (who has been prioritizing her boyfriend over her child's needs). But they still have plenty of childfree time.
She is very gracious and understanding that my kids are up my @$$ 24/7, but I do try to reserve dates for just the two of us.
@@jumpiam8477 the only reason I have a house is because my veteran husband qualified for a VA home loan with no down payment 😬. I have no idea how people are able to buy a house otherwise in this economy! It's a whole scam.
@@jumpiam8477 thank you, we do feel blessed. We were probably ahead than most people bc we entered in our marriage without student loan debts or consumer debt. My husband joined the Army and I was on scholarships. Plus we didn’t have kids from previous relationships and no divorce. We started fresh. From my observation, those who have had divorces and kids from previous relationships carry debt with them from custody battle and lawyer fees on top of other debt that makes it difficult to buy a house.
I’m in my 30s, childfree with no desire to have kids. My life is so filled with rest and comfort that I am seriously not bothered by anyone who tries to make me feel bad about my choice. I’m not even bothered by the loss of friends who become parents! 😅 Whenever I wonder what it would be like to be a mom, my body tenses up and I get immediate anxiety. No thanks to kids.
Same!! When I think of having to be responsible for something constantly and all the sacrifice it would be, it really makes me feel anxious!! I've had what I would call "nightmares " about it lol
@@kourtenayt1927 lol
40’s here and same. Every time I even imagine having kids I feel like something is sitting on my chest 😂 It was a well thought out decision I do not regret.
I felt this way, identico, in my 30s.
I do not regret my choice not to have children, bcs I know it was the right and only choice for me, with what I am working through in this life.
But it changes in your 40s.
I appreciate this woman for speaking about it, bcs I havent known how to put it to words exactly.
I relate to each and every word she has spoken here.
Perhaps if being child-free was not a choice made out of severe past trauma, I may feel differently, than I do now.
But in ways, I do in fact feel robbed. In retrospect, i feel robbed of a lot of things, as a result of severe childhood experiences; childlessness is only among them.
Im not making myself a victim, ive made my choices, and ive made the best choices I was capable of making with the consciousness ive had available to me at the time.
But there is immense grief for all that could have been and all I could have become, if i had not had the living shit kicked out me spiritually emotionally & mentally each and every day as a child.
I am not a mother yet, but I desire to be one soon. I just want to be a good one that a little human deserves 😊. It's a deep desire and inner push I can not explain. Thats why I have a lot of respect for every woman who has come to the realization that she does not want kids. It's not a decision one makes overnight, and it's responsible to know what you want and don't want in life. Our job is to respect each other's decisions. What a person chooses to do with their life is none of our business. 😊
I am a 41 year old male with autism. I had turned 41 years old on May 25th. I work part time at Walmart, don’t drive, and still live with my parents. I would like to live on my own and get married one day but don’t want any children. Part of the reason why I don’t want children is because raising children will be a lot for me with my autism.
Thank you for sharing and being so candid.
You can get married and have a life without children. You may enjoy the company of woman who also has autism. I pray you find the right match for you.
Just an FYI, my husband didn't realize how similar he is to his father and brother, who both have autism. The very things that make him so decent and good are the things that also make it hard for him to support us financially. I support us financially, which I really resented for over a decade. But, he homeschools our boys, and he's awesome.
There's love out there for you. Just steer clear of a neurotic woman like me. I really wish I could be less neurotic like the friends I have with autism.
@@MsSimpleMovies Thanks for praying that I find someone. A woman with high functioning autism like me would probably be good for me. Long ago they didn’t really know what autism was or knew much about people who were special needs so your husband’s father probably grew up not knowing that he was special needs and have autism and your husband and husband’s brother probably didn’t know they were special needs and have autism either. My parents always knew I was special needs and have autism and was first put into Special Ed at 3 years old.
Just because you were put in a special needs class doesn't mean that you are autistic. They do this all day every day just because they get more in federal/state funding.
It's all about money.
There is autism (when a person is not aware of their disability and their is no way to explain to them) and there are people with sensory processing disorder/behavioral problems who can be reasoned with but often unable to control their impulsed due to sensory overload.
Look up: Dr. Stanley Plotkin Deposition. He is the cause of autistic-like-behavior in children who are not autistic. The rest of excused that they give to general public is just a cover up so they don't have to pay their victims.
I don't have ASD but I am diagnosed ADHD. I like children but I don't think my sensory sensitivities could handle children 24/7/365. I will help out and babysit to give parents a break but I want to come home to adult company (my husband) and my cat.
I suspect we (geriatric millenials) will be the last to feel this way. I have a lot of younger friends (as well as some older childfree friends). my childfreeness is no longer edgy or special for them. The massive wave of childfree people coming up are going to do many things differently; it will be interesting to see how society changes.
I think you’re right. Plus, it depends on one’s social circle. And, can I just say that you made me want to change my channel name to ‘geriatric millennial’ 😀 I love it so much!
@@Ags-silver-40s I do have one super amazing bechilded (geriatric millennial) friend who reeeeally strove to maintain her own personality, friends, and interests while also being an invested mother. Her kids are difficult teenagers now, and while the aforementioned lady and I were in Vietnam this yr having a girls' holiday and getting drunk on a train (as she's blessed with an invested partner who shares the load, even though the kids aren't biologically his), she said "actually your decision to not be responsible for another person 24/7 was really very sensible." I said, "I know" hahhaa. But yes... the lingering stigma... is a thing. I think it's changing tho.
Stigma is the key word here! Thank you for sharing a story about your bechilded geriatric millennial friend 😃
@@Ags-silver-40s I really hope you meet some equally brilliant bechilded people!
I hope for a community of fun grandmas\grandpas. We'll have to take care of each other not to burden younger generation too much.
I’m 39. My parents divorced when I was 3. I was subjected to a multitude of adult situations that became my problem and stole my childhood from me. I have pretty severe medical problems, paying anywhere from $3,000 to $8,000 a year to maintain my crappy health. If I were to get pregnant, there’s a high likelihood that it would die or I would have severe complications and possibly die myself. I’ve had 3 major surgeries and have a very absent support structure from my family. Yet, I am selfish, immature, and irresponsible because me and my husband do not want and may not be able to have kids. Our life is difficult and our struggles are ignored. My brother recently had his first and only kid, and my parents now jump through hoops to spend time with them while ignoring me. It’s a bitter pill that I never asked to take. Thank you for this video, I wish more people considered things aren’t always so easy for us childless people.
Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️
Children are so cute and bring new life to the world. You get to go to soccer games and art fairs again. It brings life back to the sometimes tiresome existence. It can also noble to not do it if you aren't feeling it or can't. My in laws had so many grandchildren that when we announced we were having our first, they didn't bat an eye. (My husband is 5th child and the baby.) My own mom made up for it, but there was a sting and resentment.
❤❤❤ the first paragraph of your post got me right In the feels. Oh my God my life has been the very same. Praying for you
I can relate so much to your story! We have a similar one, with health issues, no emotional support from the extended family or friends, we are trying to conceive for a very long time and went through hell doing this (misscarriges, surgeries, almost losing my life 2 times). Definetely no understanding, but lots of judgement from everyone. Also adoption is really difficult in my country, adopting a child from birth is not possible and there's an "adoption mafia", basically kids sold into adoption. The process is also very long, can take up to 8 years to finalize. Still, people who don't face these problems always ask and judge us because they think IVF or adoption is a very simple solution, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Our friends almost stopped inviting us to parties/outings because they only want friends with kids. Parents also give all their time to our brothers or sisters with kids. It's understandable up to the point everybody starts judging and giving unsolicited advice. None of these people were there for us in our hard times, not even with a phone call. And me and my husband feel that we are always the ones to compromise, to listen in silence to other people's problems and offer support without receiving anything in return. The alternative would be to lose everybody, to live like monks ( which we already kinda do). We are 40 years old and don't know anyone without kids. Even the ones that got married late now have kids. Noone can relate to what we go through and we get a lot of judgement from friends with kids. I have tried to help some with baby sitting and so forth, but they feel like they deserve to be helped, almost no gratefullness from them. It's a really crappy feeling to be used because it's christian to offer help to those in need. Apparently it's not christian to be gratefull or offer help in form of emotional support. In my experience many friends with kids can be extremely selfish.
@@LilulaliluluI think we just became best friends! ❤❤
I'm Brazilian and I feel very sorry for some countries with this kind of culture. I'm 41, divorced and no kids and I've never had any of these problems. I have many friends with and without children and we all get along very well. Also, some of them are getting pregnant at their 40's, I still want to but nobody is rushing or justifying themselves. I'm very grateful for my beautiful country and its beautiful people. 🙌🏼🙏💚🇧🇷
This is so cool to hear. I wonder if this is because Brazilians prioritize socializing more than Americans in general. Some people with kids are isolated from others because they are raising them without support of family and then are only able to speak with other parents about children because thats their whole life. I read in Spain there are many bars and restaurants with kids sections with toys etc so its much easier to socialize with a variety of adults and still keep an eye on your kids.
This is amazing and I'm really happy for you! Thanks for sharing 🫡✨️😌✊️
I have had long term health issues so definitely no parenting for me.But at 40, a simple ‘no’ is the answer. No explanation necessary just as I would never ask someone why they did have kids! I’m happy and hopefully you’re happy, let’s enjoy life and be happy for one another 🎉
I think you’re right. It depends how the conversations goes and how polite you want to be 😊
Cope
I think young people might be curious and ask questions if they themselves are thinking about not having children and are looking for a reason to feel valid due to society’s pressure to have children. If it’s older people asking they are probably just being nosy and aren’t thinking about the fact that it might be a touchy or annoying subject. There shouldn’t have to be a reason other than not wanting them.
When i answer “No”, its always followed with a “why not?” And then suggestions as to why not. SO annoying. And its always in a situation with people that are distant family so i dont want to embarrass certain people with a brusque answer. But I’m sick of it. Next time i get asked this question I’m telling them its none of their business. If you dare ask such an intrusive question you need to be prepared for a raw answer.
@@sherig1376 yes because it’s unnatural for females to not have kids. It’s their biological role that they’re physically, emotionally, and mentally built for. It’s like asking a rat why it doesn’t want cheese
I'm a 37yo mother, and this was a very good insight to a childless life. I've never understood why people ask "are you going to have kids? And why?". I just can't imagine the darkness you could be bringing out of that person. I've always considered it none of my business, and it's up to that person to tell me or not. All that i care about in people are; are they nice? Are they happy? Everything else is irrelevant. People are far too judgemental.
Yes I think we often don't realise the layers that this one question is really hiding.
No, it's just people are wishing you well.
People don't understand loneliness until they hit 50+. By then its too late to change anything.
So naturally people wish you well by reminding you that clock is ticking.
@@KellyKelly-qd7my people don't understand that it's completely possible to be lonely in your old days even if you had your biological children. There's so many lonely elder people out there, who "put all their eggs in one basket", thinking that their children will be there for themselves on their old days the way they were for their children when they were young. They didn't have time/interest to create strong friendships or other platonic relationships since their family kept them socially content. Meanwhile, childfree & single people used their time creating these relationships, and would have people interested in themselves personally in their old days, rather than their children, for whom you might be the caretaker they don't need anymore as an adult, while having their own busy family lives.
@@nothanks1239 tbh, it's usually "when you're having children" instead of "are you going to have children" if you're AFAB 😂
@@KellyKelly-qd7my. But many of us single and childless folks don’t really get lonely. We can be pretty content on our own.. plus, there are many people out there that are married with kids and they complain about being lonely and/or unhappy .. so having children is not always the answer to the answer for loneliness
Child free and dual income is nice!!! I’m sorry, I’m 42 and I have to be careful what I share with my friends who have kids because I can actually do more. Now, I am a happy aunt of twin boys and I love kids, but the state of the world was a real factor for me not bringing in more.
The being careful what you share is so interesting. But it also speaks to the fact how aware you are of your surroundings and how thoughtful towards other people.
I know I'm late to watching this video, but I so relate to this. I'm 42 as well, childfree and married. We both have good jobs which enable us to go on nice vacations every year. I don't want it to seem like I'm bragging when friends or my sisters might be struggling to afford going even on a local vacation.
In my 50s and childless/child free.
Just enjoying life. It is, what it is.
Travel, eat out, explore, party, take risks.....
Partying in your 50s? I’m 44, childless and I don’t drink or do drugs. I study and go to the gym. I’m sorry, but I don’t respect your lifestyle choices, even though we are both childfree.
@@audreyandrea460 who said anything about drugs?? I like a drink but I'm not an alcoholic! People are free to do what they like within reason. I also keep fit, volunteer and run a business. I'm very busy enjoying life. Luckily I don't need the approval or the respect of anyone, I'm an adult.
@@audreyandrea460 do you talk to people like this in person? What a judgmental, unnecessary and nasty thing to say.
@@audreyandrea460 Wow. I agree with the other comments. You can "party" by just enjoying time with your friends at a restaurant or at a dinner party or at a pool party - many other things that don't involve drugs but just having fun. Using the word "party" really triggered you to a massive assumption.
@@audreyandrea460a rare species you are, where on the internet do you dwell strange creature? where's your habitat? I'd like to make a documentary
Thank you for this! I am 44, married, and child free. My husband and I tried for years to have children. We considered adoption, but after going through infertility treatments, I didn't think I was up for what could be years of trying to adopt. I felt like I had to prove myself worthy of being a parent. Ultimately, I gave up. I suppose I'm now child free by choice, but it was after many years of contending with my and my husband's mental and emotional well-being.
It may be controversial what I'm about to say. But, personally, I don't think this is giving up. You made a calculated decision to save your own life and your husband's from years of hardship when those years are more and more limited, particularly when you're in your 40s and up.
We are not always given the choices we wish for, I think we need more of an attitude of accepting what life throws at us - many people want kids and don't get them because of either infertility or not finding a suitable person to have children with - and many people end up with kids they didn't want (and sometimes resent) because they are told sex is a fun leisure activity that has been disconnected from pregnancy by technology (it hasn't). I think we now see life through the lens of consumerism but some things we don't get to choose, children are a gift (planned OR unplanned) but not an entitlement. You are not childless by choice (the fact that you even tried artificial intervention shows that) but you do get to choose accept it rather than put yourself through stressful/unnecessary medical treatment.
@@hollythebordercollie2257thank you for that.I am in the same situation of wanting and not getting it. Took a while not to get bitter about life. I don’t know what the future holds but for now I’m just trying to be positive again 😢
@@hollythebordercollie2257 oh I am VERY MUCH child-free by choice! If the worst case scenario (pregnancy) had ever happened, I would've terminated the pregnancy. I'm now 49 and my 50th birthday is getting closer and I have zero regrets. I've always known that I didn't want children and I did everything that I possibly could to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Some of us are really not meant to be parents and luckily we are self-aware enough to know this. I wish more people who don't really want children would be more responsible in their choices and not burden the world with their unwanted kids.
@@maruskaehrensdorfer Or put themselves 100% into their unplanned kids - I was unplanned but very much loved, my kids were completely planned and the best (if most exhausting) thing I have ever done - my regret is I didn't have more!
No regrets, not justifying sh*t either. Look down on me? Cool, there’s the door.
this should be the attitude!
Most of these people who are quick to judge are parents of small children. These people haven't gone through teenage and early adulthood years yet. I've always found humorous the whole "when my kids are 18 I can finally live for me" thing. It's like bitch have you seen modern parents these days? Who has it like that? Your kids aren't going anywhere THE DAY or even THE YEAR they turn 18.
@@KevinHorsley-k4woh wow this is SO true.
Same. It’s that simple.
Exactly. They decenter you, so decenter them. It's not that complicated
Please widen your friendships to include more child free friends and older friends that have older children
Many couples choose to have kids at some point and it's challenging to find other couples who are choosing not to have kids. Personally I do try to go out and find friends that are kid-free or older but it's quite challenging. And it can be lonely at times.
or younger:) this works too
Exactly. They decenter you, so decenter them. It's not that complicated
@@alheli9 ahh yes I can relate to that. I’m childless and no gf or wife(it’s by choice) and I’m 37 - I find it very difficult to meet like minded people that don’t have kids. I’ve tried to hang out with old friends that had kids and that’s not my cup of tea. Not to be rude but I have no desire to talk about someone’s kids and let’s be honest - most parents love to talk about their children lol
So it’s definitely strange to live like this. I find it quite hard to relate to people in my age group
@brianmeen2158
I feel your pain. My husband and I do not plan on children and it certainly complicates friendships when one or both parties have children. Young children especially tend to make their parents disappear from socializing with non-parents.
I am married and childless at 40, have a very fulfilled life with many godchildren and nieces and nephews. I don't want one my self. I don't think I am missing anything. It is a topic I have been thinking about since I was 8 years old. I very much like being the cool dotting aunt that both the parents and the kid are happy to see.
One thing that I do feel is an extreme freedom. I really appreciate that part of my life.
Then you are childfree, not childless 😊 'less' implies lack of something
Love this! ❤ you must be a super cool aunt ☺️
Im 35F, Married and childfree. Im shut in type too and dont have friends. I have literally zero social life and Im fine with it. My in laws think Im depressed and sad but I dont feel that way. Being alone and home gives me peace. That's all I want in life. The thought of having a child just gives me anxiety. I cant see myself having to take care of another human when I canr even wake up at 8 am.
I am childfree and I do volunteering and I have hobbies, so I have a bit of a social life, nothing in the evenings htough
Dont worry. The child will wake you up.
40 yr old man. No kids, not married. Your circumstance is a bit different from mine. Kids was always a maybe for me. In my case I ran into health issues at 25 and was real sick for a lot of years. And now still dealing with some health struggles. I don't have enough money or energy to do all that. Occasionally I feel like I'm missing out but for the most part I still enjoy life. In fact moreso than many folks around me with kids. It's only my health that can get in the way of that. At the end of the day my opinion is it is your life. You get to decide what to do with that. It doesn't make you selfish, and fact many folks that are parents can be selfish and self-absorbed. It's a choice. And in the instances that it's not, find acceptance and a place of peace. You aren't less of a person not having children. To those that judge I say f*ck em. As far we know we only get one of these lives. Don't waste it worrying about people's opinions and judgements. Truth is if you had kids those kinds of individuals would judge you anyways for some other reason so screw up. Live you life and enjoy the one you got.
I do think that we childfree people wonder all the time about having children and then we hear or see something & then we get the reminder that we made the right decision! The isolation aspect is hard, I am 40 next year and would like to meet childfree friends or people with adult children. The judgement from society is now overbearing, it wasn’t like this before at all, but I think with the cost of living crisis and the learning of individuals neurodivergence, a lot of people with children have become bitter & want you to suffer too! Which makes sense, because I would be pissed too! But, not my problem! Also, most parents are selfish and live in their nuclear family bubbles, there is no thoughts about how others feel, they rarely show up to help others outside of themselves and expect all the attention & benefits from society. Childfree people contribute a lot to society and we are also scapegoated a lot too! I would say the way society treats us, is definitely the downside to being childfree! But, I will not be having children to be a part of the entitled parent club!
Fully agree and I couldn't have said it better! My intention was to convey these truths as a set of observations, but that are also based on my own behaviours, including when I pushed people away or didn't reciprocate.
I have no children or family never wanted anything to do with the none sensecal matrix I can't agree with you more well said 👏 you won the internet today I love your words "their nuclear family bubble..." 💯 Truth. Thank you for sharing 🙏
I am a 41 year old childless woman and I feel none of these things! I don't hang out with people who like to talk about their kids, I don't justify myself to anyone and I definitely don't wonder. If I ever decide that I want a child, I will adopt - that's it for me, no wondering. As for the superficial - I honestly cannot relate. If you do meaningful work, your life is not superficial. I think the author really hangs out with the wrong people. As for being looked down on - I had that happen once, and I just cut contact with those people because if they think a woman is defined by her child-bearing ability, they do not deserve to be in my life.
Had my son later in life (38) and can totally relate and confirm that others value my time and choices far more now that I am a mother. It sucks that women continue to be valued by whether or not we bear children- society is so conservative in many ways
This is so interesting that you actually have seen that change for yourself.
Do you really think that? That it's "conservative" to have children? Or that women, to be "modern" should not have children? How would that work? That seems a way not to have a functioning society within a generation.
Conservative, more like restrictive, limiting, tribal and cultish
That's because people relate to each other through shared experiences. 80% of women have children so the same proportion will relate to you and the rest, not as much. I don't think that it's in a judge mental way, especially in our times.
Well I mean in America literally 95 percent of the men under age of 55 aren't financially ready for a family. It means we should be going for older men when we are young. NOBODY tells us this we have to go through the hell of life to figure it out. Now I'm 41 and getting ready to pay a matchmaker thousands of dollars to introduce me to marriage ready men. 😢 Life is tense folks
i just was with a woman friend with kids (I don't have kids) and we were talking about that we are busy. And she said "and I have kids!". Her kids are adult, teen, and preteen. She does not work. But, I do work a very demanding job where I counsel suicidal people almost daily. But, this is invisible to her. I am not as busy in her eyes because I don't have kids. And the implicit feeling was also 'not as important,' even though I too help people stay alive for a living. At one point in the conversation I mentioned that I am very alone much of the time because I do live alone and my work is online. She laughed and said "me too!" though she lives with her husband and 2 children. Invisible, yes. Relatable.
That was exactly my point. Parents have it worse even if objectively they don’t. And there is nothing anyone can do to change this notion.
Thanks for this video. I’m honestly not sure I’ll hang out with her again. I might be too busy ha
@@NoBodyShantiit’s why I’ve given up trying to maintain a friendship with a mom. I’m over trying to accommodate her life. I’m making room for people who prioritize me. Even if I had a child I would still prioritize my friendships, my romantic relationship and my job and myself. Being a mom shouldn’t consume all aspects of a mom’s life, it’s a choice. I think some mom’s are used to being guilted into only prioritizing being a mom but I also feel some mom’s use it as an excuse to not care about calling you back or making the trip to hang out. Everything revolves around them prioritizing their child and if that’s what they choose to do then they have to accept losing me as a friend now. I’m done waiting around to do anything with them. It’s depressed me actually and now that I know I deserve better I’m letting those friendships go
I understand you and your friend where you/she is coming from. You can have a large family and still feel alone...it happend to me.
On the other side being without children can also be challenging because life in itself is a challenge.
From far, maybe you both are overwhelmed by life and should find a way to communicate?
Many people view having children as the greatest achievement of their lives. Seems somewhat unimaginative to me.
She looks good for 41, sometimes not having children makes you look full of life and stress free like this woman.
So true. I got really old fast after having kids. I noticed wrinkles, gray hair and I developed a thyroid issue right away. Now my hair texture and health are permanently affected. Kids are great and a blessing but they drain you. I even read that the gray matter in the brain is affected due to pregnancy and does not come back to its original state. The more you love your kids (not every parent loves their child ie narcissists), the more you sacrifice of yourself for them and it gives you happiness to see them thrive but the downside, for some people like myself, is the rapid onset of aging and daily stress.
41 isn’t old though.. but yeah, not having kids definitely helps to not look wrecked. 😅🙌
Looks good? Young women are beautiful because they are fertile. This woman is not fertile.
@@KadeBronsonWomen are not baby factories. You’ll never know that because no one is dumb enough to let you even try to impregnate them.
I am 39 with three kids and no wrinkles, but it's because I have a significant amount of melanin. Kids can definitely age you though
Single, child free and loving life over here. I never wonder what it’s like to have a child. No regrets. 😃
Same here. Never ever wonder. Luck has it I have many good friends with no kids and even with the ones with small kids are pretty cool and it’s not always about the child with them.
Yet here you all are scoping out child free by choice videos
Very convincing bravo…
@@rushypeace hmmmmm. So are u.
True and tbh, there have been little snippets where I feel it would be nice to have a kid but most of the time I find myself often glad I don’t have kids .. I see the things many friends I have are going through and like “eww that is definitely not for me”. 😃
@@rushypeace Because this IS a space FOR CHILDFREE PEOPLE. So what are YOU doing here??
I'm 55 and chose to not have children in my early 20s - I've never regretted this and never apologized or made justifications for it. When asked (and I still get asked and told I can adopt (really unbelievable at my age)), I tell people it was a lifestyle decision and that shuts down the conversation. I always took the attitude that if someone didn't want to be my friend because of this, then fine.
I'm a 41-year-old childfree married woman. The older I get, the more I realise that not having children was the best decision I've ever taken. Since my teens I knew parenting wasn't for me. I've always been so judged for that, especially by women. Even now that I'm already under treatment for perimenopause symptoms, people (women) still think I have to justify myself. But I don't anymore. I just say: "I'd rather not talk about it". I've never wondered what my life would have been like with children. I love being childfree.
I just like you (well almost because I'm about to finalize our conscious uncoupling 😁 that will formally end an 18 year marriage), though a little older (mid 40s). though I never had to justify my decision not to have kids. It was the best decision I have made not only for myself but, more importantly, for the child I did not have. I would have been a shitty mother because I knew basically from day one I did not want to procreate and saving my own child from what I experienced from my own parents, who had seven! children in total but probably did not want any of them, only had them because it's "what you did back then" and they also provided free labor on the farm my parents owned. I have never had the "baby itch" and find babies quite gross to be honest. I don't like to be around kids, hell I don't like to be around adults because most behave like they never passed the 12 yo stage. I love my life more every day and have never wondered or regretted not to have children.
I commend on all the women who chose this path. Good for you. I became invisible at 36 when I lost my spouse to Cancer. And to top that my child was ASD. Could not fit and now it is just me and my ASD child. I hardly get 4 hours to sleep.Unable to go to a restaurant or a vacation. Any life is better than this. I envy you girls. Enjoy every moment of your freedom to it's fullest.
I am sorry for your loss and the struggles. I can only say don't lose hope. Life will get easier. 💗
Nobody is talking about dating. It's not like there are plenty of quality wife material women or plenty of quality husband material men out there. More and more people are avoiding marriage or even committed relationship. It just doesn't make any sense to be in an unhappy relationship for the sake of having kids.
Honestly there are plenty of women marriage ready. The majority of men however are not FINANCIALLY mature enough for that family.
They maybe msrrisge ready but the thing that scares men is the same women getting a divorce and taking half of everything. Prenup is their kryptonite.@ZZealot-y3u
@@ZZealot-y3u Shouldn't the men AND women be financially mature enough? A lot of people still want to keep gender role traditions when it suits them. Hmm
From my point of view, people in relationships are an embarrassing display. You hear things like "We're expecting", and you realize these are fundementally empty people. Separate the two and watch them flail about like headless chicken. So desperately attached to the idea of being part of a whole rather than happy on their own; being their own person and not just some unit where every thought is heard and every minute of every day is shared. I can't imagine living with that need for constant validation and attention. My worst nightmare is not having my own space and my own time to think and reflect. If I were ever to get in a relationship, separate bedrooms would be an absolute requirement.
Your honesty is refreshing!
Some of the greatest spiritual teachers did not have children. I think that is one dimension that is open to everyone at all times, so you’ve not missed out.
You make a very interesting point!
I centre my life around this knowledge.. it's the one thing that makes me fully say, yeah this is totally okay 👍 Do you have any favourite spiritual teachers?
I appreciate you talking about this. Personally, the older I get the happier I am that I never had children. I wouldn't not have been the kind of parent I think children deserve had I had them when I was younger. My whole life and future prospects would have been irreparably damaged by having a child. I agree that the factors you mentioned absolutely exist, but I also think our attitude matters a lot. For those of us who harbour inner pain or conflict about being childfree, these external factors will trouble us a lot more. It's similar to being a woman over 40 and single. What I found was that people who are married and have kids and are truly happy - or at least mostly happy - with their life choices will never judge you or make you feel "less than". And your friends who are parents who have healthy boundaries and who have supportive partners will absolutely make time for you in their lives. It won't be the same as before, but that's ok. And you can become a part of their kids' lives, if that's what you want, and you can do it on your own terms. Anyone who judges you, looks down on you or makes you feel less than is simply projecting their own inner unhappiness onto you. People like that have to create stories to project onto you in order to support their own self identity. For them to feel secure in their choices for example, they need to feel superior and like they are "creating the future of humanity". By contrast, you are deemed unserious and selfish because you chose not to do that. Or people talk about the amazing feeling of finally being responsible for another life, and how that fundamentally changes you. Well, guess what, for a lot of us who chose to be childfree, we were parentified as children. We were our parents' caretakers emotionally, physically, and often financially from a very young age. We know what it's like to sacrifice everything we are in order to appease another person, except we had no choice in this. I find that people who are married and have kids who talk about how they needed a kid to all of a sudden understand empathy or responsibility were people who had a very different, likely much less burdened upbringing than myself and other childfree people. So overall, if you simply remember that so much of the negativity you experience from married people and / or parents is because of their own projections and their need to justify their own choices to themselves, life gets much easier. Also, it helps to be friends with other childfree people, or older people whose kids are out of the house. They tend to be a lot more interesting to engage with anyway, and often have much more diverse life experiences. Not to say that people with kids can't be interesting people; a lot of the ones I know and am friendly with, are. We usually hold space for each other and our different lives and we still manage to have good, connected relationships.
I'm 55 and I had one child who has severe and profound disabilities and my experience parenting was most devastating of my life. Wish I had never become a parent. Am now happily 4B.
Thats very sad
What is 4b?
I have a friend who is in a similar boat. 1 daughter with severe autism, she'll need care her whole life. Her husband didn't do his share til she divorced him. So she barely got to go out or have any time to herself for a long time. I am autistic myself, and kinda wonder if maybe it's just as well I didn't have kids, as I may have had a kid like that. I definitely wouldn't be able to deal with it.
@@Itsstuff7328Choosing not to marry or have kids.
Even if you decide to have children there are still uncertainties that follow through. You will mess up somewhere and that's for sure.
What if they are born with special needs/ become a person with special needs that needs to be taken care of? What if instead of growing to love them you grow rather indifferent or even abusive towards them? What if they turn out to be a psychopath or a narcissist? What if something terrible happens to them and they die before you or fall terribly ill(such cases aren't a rarity unfortunately)? What if they grow to despise you and try to harm you (like trying to rob you of your money and belongings,try to kill/seriously injure you , trying to ruin your life) ? What if they want nothing to do with you? What if you eventually regret parenthood?
And also what if you want a family but doesn't happen for a some reason (fertility issues, a changed mind, certain life circumstances ,can't have them due to serious health problems,become severely disabled,develop serious health problems,poverty,mental/physical health issues,not being with the right person,not having the resources , etc).
There are many possibilities. I am not saying either of these will happen but the chance is still there . If you want children and have the means to raise them have them but be aware of the possible risks
I just turned 34 and I've known for a long time that having children was not going to be a part of my plans. I've never had to justify myself, I simply do not want children. I have different plans for my life.
All my coworkers have children or are in a relationship and I absolutely feel invisible sometimes, but I still listen because I know it's an important topic for them. I also expect them to listen when I talk about how I went to fashion week or to a ballet or a trip somewhere. Because they know it's important to me.
It's all about balance and understanding.
What annoys me is that even people who are childfree by their own choice they often picture their lives like a never-ending party. You can read on internet comments of those brightly/ silly dressed women (ideally with lots of tattoos and who knows what else): 'I am happy, enjoying my life, going out, eating out, travelling' etc. It gives an impression that just because we don't have kids, our development has stopped somewhere in teenage years, and we do not have 'adult people problems '. I do not blame people with children who think so, because this is the picture many of us are showing them. I don't have children by my own, conscious choice, I do NOT party every other day, I actually have problems in life, like any other people do. Thanks for posting this, very relatable, all the best fir you❤
I love my life childless and free. I don't want to fit my Square peg into other people's round holes. I don't want external validation from people with kids. They will never understand and I really don't care. I think the trick is in not trying to please other people. Your life is great. Who the hell cares if others validate it or not.
Childlefree here. First of all, I think we should not explain or justify our decision. Also, instead of feeling isolated, we should look with empathy at those who are so busy with children, because most of the time they have to prioritize children over themselves, while we can do whatever we want in our free time. Usually, parents are sometimes jealous of this. In fact, I don't think they look at people without children with an air of superiority. Some of them maybe, but many look at us with envy hidden by a mask of fake sense of superiority.
True, there is definitely those that are envious but also those who have this slight superiority factor.
They think you are free as a bird and of course this is something they will never be.
Took me awhile to no longer justify the reason I don’t have children, I now am very honest and say I just don’t want them. I am very happy with my choice 🎉😊
This made me tear up. I’ve experienced every thing you mentioned in one way or another. I’m 42 and I do wonder. I am sometimes overcome with grief over never being a mother.
I’ve been treated less than for years by my religious family members who put immense value in being a parent. It’s tough.
I am in my 30s and have no plans of ever having children. I have recently become tired of justifying myself to people, sometimes almost complete strangers. My new strategy is to simply say "I cannot have children. I am infertile.". They should be ready for this answer. After all, they are asking about a highly private area of my life.
You should say: "I cannot have children"
Somebody: "Why?"
You: "Because I don't want"
I don't understand people! I would never dream of asking someone WHY they don't want children! That seems so rude and nosy and just wild to me. You don't have children, that is just a fact people need to accept.
This is all of my pain in a single video. I am happily married and childfree. I adore children, but I can't and really shouldn't have them. I am trying to acknowledge my maternal feelings by being a doting aunt and friend to the kids that are in my life. Thank you for making this video. ❤
This video made me happy that I have no children in my life. I don’t have them, my siblings don’t, my friends don’t. There are zero children in my life sucking up all the time and focus. It’s wonderful.
Weird comment. You were all children once. You people seem to think you're better than previous generations.
I'm 39 and childfree. My husband and I agreed we're not having children and do you know what? It's AMAZING! Spontaneous trips, time to relax, more money to buy fun stuff, having a quiet home. We both don't have this big dream of having children and feeling we're only valid human beings if we procreate, so it's a win-win situation. Most pressure I've received came from people in the medical field... And boomers, of course.
Oh yes, the boomers 😬
Thank you for this discussion. I am 41, I am not married and don't have children, yes, people do look down upon you and it's not so subtle, not being in a relationship or having children is a genuine reason why women land in poverty
I am married, with an adult stepkid who I love, but did not raise. My husband had a vasectomy. I've been with my siblings through their severe struggles in parenthood, and I love their kids. I feel no need to give birth to my own. I tell people all that and they still imply that my decision is frivolous and that I'll change my mind. I have enough love in my life, and I value a good night's sleep! Leave me alone! Lol
you still have ties if you have a stepkid, I never wanted to marry anyone with kids
1:14 have friends with no children!
I’m 42 single and childless. I learned to be grateful for what I have and ignore what I don’t have. I lot of my friends who have kids are miserable so I’m thankful I have a better life.
It'd be NICE if CORPORATE wouldn't label childless workers not as important b.c they think we don't have responsibilities. MANY OF US ARE NOW TAKING CARE Of Elderly PARENTS. WHY are OUR jobs so disposable. So quick to lay us off cuz we don't have some kid hanging off of our teet honestly it's foul how childless people are treated. SORRY WE DIDNT Want TO CREATE Another BURDEN for the system to have to support. punish us for being responsible, sure.
@@ZZealot-y3u Tha's really strange to hear cause in my country of origin they always prefer people with no kids to avoid countless sickleaves kids usually require.
Tru. 24.our stressed. No time. And financiell problem 24ours. No men. No Support System. Only 1. From my friends but also mostly she do everything. I dont want that for my children, no connection for the releationship with their children. Its like superfical mostly i guess because of time. They Expect the children to become what they never where.but This is wrong. Because children See children do. If you drink and shout....if you always online ....if you stressed. What your children See....do? You here to live what you want to see in your children. I donr like seeing parents letting out their Anger stress on the children.most parents cant calm their self down.surpress everything and it Shows in the child. I worked with children 8.jears. and trust Me they copy of parents.most i dont really like because of the parents Charakter. If parents dont work on their Trauma children are stressfull and burden for them.and most dont take time to heal. So children are your karma. Or your gift. It depends on the parents inner work. Like i said most Just dont innerstand their self. I stop working with children. To much stress Responsebility to Support ignorant parents? No thanks. Stress free.work on my self. And See what will come to me❤❤❤but i think my child is better in heaven thank here on earth ❤❤❤even i work on my self,all this rude selfabsorb people. Do i want this for my child? Hell no !!!
I am 49 and, for years, my go to response to the "Do you have kids?" question has been. . . "So far, so good. No." It lightens the tone, but clearly states your stance on the issue. Bonus: justification is rarely needed. Thank you for such a great video and opening up a conversation.
I just say “hell no”
My mother had children to maintain her facade of "normalcy". She, obviously to me and my father and others, did not have any maternal instincts. When I asked her why she had me she said "that's what people did" and said she had my younger sister to "save" her marriage (translation: try to keep my father trapped). Kudos to women who have no children because they really don't want to. Half of my closest friends had no children. We are in our 60s now, the ones who made it this far anyway, and my having children never affected our friendships. I'm sensitive to what other people are going through and I adjust my conversations accordingly. At this stage of life things really even out anyway.
I don’t think I’ve ever come across somehow who explained this dynamic so well. I’m 39 and I always find myself trying to justify my decisions even when I’m happy. Thank you so much for confirming that I’m not crazy and helping gain some clarity.
Thank you for your comment. You are not crazy! 😊
About to hit my late fifties, childless and now so greatful for that. But I never had to deal with external pressure or judgement because of it. Not from family, friends or any other. No one ever made me feel that my being childless/childfree was something I needed to justify. Heck, no one ever really brought up the issue except me on few occasions. But I am Icelandic and live in Iceland and we tend not to comment on other peoples private lives unless invited to do so. And there is tremendous freedom and acceptance in such an attitude. You have kids, fine you don't also fine. It is your choice, your life.
But if those friends of yours can"t meet you as often as you like, well that is reality but not neccessarily a judgement on your friendships.
And I have known people who would happily avoid the in-laws, kids or no kids.
Thank you for your comment. It’s not something I want to define me and I don’t think about it often. But there will be one comment here or there and over the years it accumulates. I think we all should adopt the Icelandic way! 😊
In the U.S. we really do make it our personal business to know every detail about everyone and the reason behind everything. We've completely forgotten that many, many things aren't our business. We have no right to know, and it's plainly rude to ask personal questions. It is simply too familiar. I think the U.S. needs a reset on proper etiquette and conversation. How did we become such disgusting people that we stick our noses in everyone else's most personal details? Why are we like that? It's rude and antisocial to interrogate others and create a false sense of shared experience by digging up people's personal details. I don't think we see how destructive and manipulative that habit is. I think we need to remember that most cultures are not as open as the U.S. is, and I believe that stems from our imperialist roots and our belief in manifest destiny.
Thank you so much for this honest video. As a mum of two, I had my children rather late and can relate to many things you are saying. It is two different worlds - childfree and family life with children - and you absolutely should not have to defend yourself for which one you choose.
It is two different planets and one cannot relate to another. You are definitely in a unique situation where you lived in both planets! I would love to hear your perspective on that now that you’ve changed the planet 😊
This is incredibly eloquent. I had a baby in my 40s so I have experienced both sides
My kid is 3 years old and despite loving her, I still regret having a kid. It’s an unnecessary exhaustion. Probably people that make you feel the way you feel about kids are not comfortable or courageous enough to admit that they would like to be in your place.
You’re in the middle of the most difficult part it gets better
I will tell you what I wish someone told me when my older son was 3, and I was exhausted and desperate. Just wait a few years, it will get much much better. It's not forever. When my son turned 7, we started having quiet time together, reading books, speaking about different things. Now he graduated and left home to live his adult life., but we stay very close friends, and he calls me every day.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I’ve always expected there are people who feel this way, but it’s so taboo to admit it.
Unnecessary. Do you hear yourself?
No, it doesn't get better. Between 5 and 10 they're more independent, you can talk to them and do things with them, and they still like you. But after 10 they can be a nightmare. Some of us just aren't made to be parents. Heartbreaking for both parent and child. Don't do it unless you really want to!
I don't understand how anyone could think it's appropriate to ask someone if they're going to have kids and then further dig the needle in by asking "why".
I know too many people who've gone through years of infertility to feel it's ever okay to ask. If they want to share, I'll let them guide that opening up rather than asking directly.
Not everyone wants kids, not everyone who wants kids has them, and none of it is remotely my business.
Thank you for being a decent human being for gods SAKE. I wish slapping was a thing again. 😂😂😂
Why not looking for childfree friends instead? I think that'll be more normal in the future
That is true! But sometimes life gets away from you and you don’t manage to catch up in time. Things happened, people had kids, and you haven’t adjusted. Plus, friendships are whole another topic! 😊
I m a child free woman in my mid forties, and about two thirds of my friends have kids and one third doesnt, and I honestly find it no struggle whatsoever. Their respective kids are between 2 weeks and 19 years of age, and genuinely delightful, all of them, and I m generally happy for them to be around when I go visit those friends. So, if I want to just casually hang out while surrounded by other people, I will go visit my friends with kids in their spacious homes with gardens, they always make me feel so warmly welcome, and are just so AVAILABLE! And if I want intense, focused conversation/ go for a meal/ go on a trip etc etc, I turn to my fellow child free friends. Best of both worlds, what's not to love!!
I think this is indeed something to be cherished. It sounds like you have wonderful friends! My social circle unfortunately shrunk (I made separate video on that). But I am determined to re-build it! 😊
Let's hope so. Im tired of having to give grace because of the kids but it's imperative people be as harsh and judgemental as they can to the childless. I'm tired of giving people passes. LETS BE Honest PARENTS are used to being able to Hide behind the kids. it's sickening
This was such a deeply honest and open discussion on this topic, thank you sincerely. It made me text my best friend (child-free by choice) and check-in about the tone of our recent hangouts with other child-having friends. Many thanks, again ❤
I am so curious what your friend will say! 😊
Omg girl, you are so eloquent and intelligent. So high on emotional intelligence. I'm 35 without kids and not married and you are so spot on on every issue! Amazing, keep going!
Thank you so much
47 and happily child-free. A husband and a dog are fine for me. I've never felt a need to explain my choices to anyone and I provide just as much value to the world as someone who is a parent. You need to find yourself some childfree friends! My core girlfriend group is child-free by choice and I have never felt invisible ever. Sending hugs.
The other thing I found is that the local school is the hub for community news and events, and so I never knew what was happening in the communities I lived in. Of course, that's different now with Facebook community groups, etc. and it's much easier to keep up.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for making this video. I am 27 and currently doubting my childfree stance for the exact reasons you've mentioned. I somehow thought being childfree is like running away from what I perceive as too unbearable. It becomes clearer and clearer that this choice comes with its own form of pain, too.
For sure! Even if you yourself are certain of your choice, other people, society can make you doubt it.
You have plenty of time to change your mind if you come to a different decision or meet a partner who puts you at ease. Good luck!
Yes! If you decide to be child free you will be at times unhappy with the decision and the same if you choose to have children. There's no perfect choice, there's only a choice that feels more right for you personally. I recommend the book The baby decision, very helpful.
@@unicornishcornish Exactly that! Life is hard either way. The reasons are just different.
@@Itsstuff7328 oh nonsense, I don't won't kids even if I found the right partner, it is cruel to bring kids into the world. 59 did not change my mind
I’m in my 40s, single, no kids, and I regret nothing. If you wanna have kids, great. However, my decision not to is really not something I’m about to debate with someone. Also, you mention that if people start talking about their reasons for not wanting kids, “it’s gonna get dark”. No… it’s really not. Not everything has to be something related to trauma. Sometimes people just have opinions or want things for their life that is different than the majority. No trauma involved. Trying to say otherwise just promotes this idea that women can’t simply make a choice for their life in the way countless men have done. No one thinks they have trauma.. 🤷🏼♀️
You have a point here!
When she said that, she was speaking in the context of IF someone had trauma, not that everyones decision is based off of trauma!
@@Jae-by3hf that’s not what she said. Either way.
Well said!
I must say, I'm a little awestruck at the self-awareness and empathy displayed here. No bitterness or snarky comments about parental concerns that are typically difficult to relate with when one has no children. No blame or claims with victimhood which is so in vogue nowadays. Well done Madame.
As a man who had his child late at 42, for many years I experienced exactly what was described here: not being able to fully relate with parents, a feeling of having missed the boat, an impression of being judged and considered self-absorbed, being deprioritized because the children of others supercede plans made with me, etc.
Childlessness is a peculiar weight to carry. It evokes mourning.
I was fortunate in the end, especially after 3 miscarriages.
In any case, my hat is off to you. I wish other childless people had this level of maturity. And B, never overlook the value of being a foster or adoptive parent. It's a profoundly honorable role.
You sound like you'd be great at it.
Thank you, sir! I really appreciate your kind words. It was my very goal to make it sound as non-judgmental and as objective as I possibly can. I am glad to hear this has come through.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciated your perspective. It was refreshing. I am turning 35 soon, and childfree by choice. It is tricky to find people to relate with.
Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. Many times, I feel invisible on Zoom calls with friends. They each go around and discuss what's new, and when it's my turn, everyone is ready to go to bed, so they end the call. You hit the nail on the head many times I feel invisible, too.
Talk about the joys of going to company events and everyone has got their kids and spouses---but you. I skip.
I'm 41too and no kids, you're right about some deep reasons for not having kids and many people are not ready to listen,the struggle is real
I don’t have friends with people with kids! All of my friends for the most part are over 40 with no kids
@@Colin-cb8hvso y ur so miserable in these comments then r u must be like that in real life cause ur kids
I mean ur spawn gremlins
@@Colin-cb8hvWhy do you think it's okay to say such horrible things to strangers? Kids are a guarantee of nothing. They could move far away, go no contact, die or go missing... Life is unfair and unpredictable. Having kids does not ensure anything about that second half of your life. My great aunt was a wonderful person and loved her 5 kids, but they all died before she did, as did both of her husbands. In the meantime I have childfree friends and relatives who are in the second half of their life and are very fulfilled. Please have some manners, and think a bit longer next time before speaking something so negative and spiteful to a person you don't even know
@@Kira_Martel see you’re strong reaction indicates what I said had a lot of truth. I’m telling her what she needs to hear, not what she wants to hear. Everybody knows women without children are less happy because biologically females are mentally, physically, and emotionally built to bear and nurture children. Feminism does not supersede Science. I am deterring other women from making bad choices they’ll regret so I’m doing net good.
@@Colin-cb8hvUntrue. Many studies show that child free women are happier. I know you won't believe this, Colin, because somehow you think you, a man, know better than women and men like you have a vested interest in convincing women to be broodmares/domestic slaves.
But strangely, not being treated as unpaid domestic slaves actually results in greater happiness. You genuinely think sleepless nights, exhaustion, constant loads of dirty laundry, cleaning vomit and faeces etc makes women happy 😂 Hint: there's a reason so many women become depressed after having a baby. It's a thankless, miserable experience unless you are very lucky to have the right man and are well off financially. The birth rates are declining for a reason and that's a good thing. Let the women who want to raise kids do it and stop hassling those of us who don't want to.
I'm 45 and childless. I agree with everything you said. Look at the recent 'crazy cat lady' comment.
Made the decision in my early twenties to not have kids. Told my now husband on our second date that I did not ever want to have kids. Dealt for years with people laughing and telling me I would change my mind.
It was the right choice for me, but sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen differently.
Thank you for sharing. I thought of bringing up the ‘crazy cat lady’ into the conversation but then I thought ‘let’s not even go there’. It’s not worth it. 😊
If it makes you feel better, I wish I had never become a parent. Most painful and devastating thing I have ever done. Should never have become a parent. People can shove it if they don't like it. That is NOT your problem.
@@annmarieknapp I'm sorry you aren't happy. But thank you for your honesty - it's a taboo to share feelings of not liking to be a parent. As well as is a taboo to publicly admit for a child-free people that sometimes they do wonder what it would be like to have a child. I personally don't have children (I'm 25), and I honestly don't know what I want (and also I'm chronically ill female, so this does impact the ability to have a children). What terrifies me most is your scenario - what if I just don't like it (or I'm too ill to care for a child), but then it's irreversible. You can change your job, your partner, your home address, etc. but you obviously cannot undo being a parent. Sending you a positive energy!
@@annmarieknapp I've spoken to quite a few women that have said the same thing. It's something we're taught isn't okay to feel...and it is.
@@HealthywholenessFrom a male perspective, there’s a discrimination but with different criticisms I think.
I’m 27 (male) at the moment but there are expectations at family gatherings for me to just get married and bring children into the world …. ‘soon’ (whatever that means). It’s sort of viewed as if you’re a ‘coward’, ‘pathetic’ and ‘weak’ for wanting otherwise. By your very existence, it’s required that you go through the struggles of parenting and ‘create a family’ otherwise you’re an outright disgusting failure of a human.
Even if those members have the best of possible intentions, it still doesn’t make this perspective suck or any less hateful of others. I highly doubt my experience is unique, but I still have hope we can bring change
I am 51 and childless, yes all those things happened to me socially, and still do, but i don't regret it. Some people just shouldn't have kids and I am one of them.
haha exactly
Thanks for your video. When people ask if I have kids I tell the truth; I don't. Why? Because when I was 4 I just knew I didn't want them. I just didn't. I never did. I got married, got a job, got a better job, got more education. I never felt like having kids. I'm not sorry about it. I don't feel I've missed out on anything. I feel that the root of the true differences between myself and parents I know is actually the way I use my money and all the additional choices I get to make in life. I don't think having more freedoms and choices is superficial at all. It's a choice.
What caught my ear is what you said about not having processed what happened to you as a child and that made wanting children something you didn't feel. I always wondered why I didn't have any feelings of wanting children. So true. I was parentified as a child and it was a very negative childhood. I'm in my 60's now on my 2nd therapist still working through it. I'm feeling much better about children and people in general these days but yeah that's the reason I never had kids. I was worried I would not be good enough and that I would inadvertently harm my children emotionally because of the way I was harmed. I don't regret it and I look forward to connecting with children in the future. They are pretty cute. Almost as cute as dogs:)
Thank you for sharing 😊
No kids. It wasn't a decision, just never happened. At 57 I don't think I'd want to now even if I had the opportunity. I totally relate to what you're saying. In a way, too, I guess I've never completely grown up, not the way being completely responsible for a dependent child tend to force you to do. Well usually, anyway. It definitely creates a bit of distance between me and my friends who are parents or, now, grandparents 😮. Do I regret it? I guess so, but there's not much I can do about it now (as I personally do consider fathering children at 60 to be irresponsible, and in any case I'm really not sure I would want to deal with it at this point).
43, “miserable, childless Catlady” here… An amazing video which really addresses both the freedom but also the loneliness that comes with being childfree because you live a little bit on the outside of society. Also the stigma of being selfish to want your time and money to yourself, and also the lack of desire to run yourself ragged as a parent. I will be tuning in. Thanks.
Thank you for such kind words!
I'm a fan of people that really, really want kids. Those that prepare and plan. Heck, I got a good friend that's a parent, and he reads books about how to better raise his kids. I admire that and root for these folks, I help them out or try to make their lives easier any way I can. But I'm not one of them. I don't want kids, I planned to do other things with my life. Not all have to fit the same mold!
This resonates with me so well. As a 50 year old childfree married woman from a predominantly breeding culture i felt persecuted all of my 30s. But im happy, fulfilled never missed having children. I love all my nieces and nephews. Yes, the looking down upon or the subtle pity is real. But i have grown beyond that-- i know my life is different good different. Not everyone has to have the same experiences.
I have a child but I can totally see your perspective, I always feel bad when I have to, again and again, decline an invitation from my „no-kid friends” because of responsibilities. I also wonder how my life would be not having a child, because boy, what a ride it is. Difficult pregnancy, months at the hospital, no sleep for two years, risking losing my job cause of constant day off requests, repetitive sicknesses, financial responsibility, buying a house to accomodate the little one, forgetting or not having time to take care of myself , severe worries, and so on. But it’s easier for me to imagine my life without a kid cause I still remember those times. I see this „what it would be like” in my friends eyes when we are out together and a grain of… I’m not sure, sadness? Not because of not having a kid, but because of being somewhat excluded from this world and it’s emotional layer. I wish we were all closer and more involved in all our ways of life.
at the end of the day it is a choice. You chose that lifestyle, not something I would want at all, at 59
I can fully understand your perspective.
Being looked down upon, its real. In my former workplace many people was like that because i still dont have children (and for medical reasons i wont have). They saw childless women like third class person.
That is awful. You would have thought that at least people would be more subtle about these things.
Workplaces tell people with child (old parent) are second class workers
Oh my . Unfortunately people like that will always be there. The problem is when they are the majority or are in your social circle and can't really avoid them
Yes, Jesus.
I'm in my early thirties, childfree and also willingly single since it's pretty impossible to find a partner as an aromantic asexual and I'm rather contently alone than making major compromises against my sexual orientation. Your video spoke very deeply to me, thank you.
The feeling of being invisible is so very real. None of your achievements, dreams, passions, victories will ever matter as much as your hypothetical future children. And none of your struggles or fears in life will ever move anyone emotionally the same way the struggles and fears of mothers do. Your life is seen as insignificant or as a phase, rather than a goal and a fulfilling existence. And it's a social süicide if you even hint as an AFAB that you actually really don't prefer to have children, that they're not the great end goal of your life. There's some things you just can't afford to ever say out loud, to avoid be any more ostracized than you already naturally are since you're not participating the events related to children. Nothing really connects you to the society the way a family and especially children do for the majority of people in the society.
It's totally up to you to find your social groups, traditions, goal posts in life. They'll probably mean nothing to anyone else since they can't relate, but what matters is that they're there for you.
Thanks for sharing this. Indeed, we will never be able to relate to each other. We always judge and I am guilty of that myself. It seems we're all trying to prove something to someone.
Yeah , it's difficult to be different from everyone who made different choices from you. We are all different and that's how it should stay
This is so relatable. Knowing about my sexual orientation has given me so much clarity and confirmation that I am making the right decision by remaining single.
Another acearo here, it's difficult to navigate the world when you're outside the norms and you're incredibly wise and self reflective about the social issues surrounding you. I hope you receive kindness and blessings for being your authentic self.
@@chaoticneutralsheep thank you for your kind words! I wish you too get to have kindness and happiness in your life by being yourself ☺️
3:21 “You always wonder”…This is so true for me. I’m 47 years old and have never had children, and at this point, never will. I question whether or not I ever wanted children. I have a very happy and fulfilled life. But I can’t help but wonder what being a mother is like…the hardest part is accepting that I’ll always wonder…
2:09 I dismiss the whole “Why don’t you have children” bit with a quick “Mind your own business.”
It gets rid of the people who don’t belong in my life quickly and effectively
I appreciate this video! I am 35, on the fence, considering everything before making any decision. Your view definitely matches what I thought it can be a downside of life without children.
I also think that once we make the decision, there will always be some kind of wondering about how it could have been on the other side of the fence, we have to choose one and deal with it. Its not easy though, and I am having a really hard time to choose. I see beauty in both paths. Wish you all the best!
I read your comment many times because it just warmed my heart that you would appreciate my humble opinions so much. I am sure you will make the right decision. Often, when we're on the fence, I think we already know what we want, we just need something to push us in that direction. Something to click. You will know best what it is. :)
Omg Im in the same boat. 36, boyfriend of one year, and no kids. All my life I thought I didn’t want kids. Now I’m second guessing… how do you make such an irreversible decision?? 😅
Have the kid. Its indescribsbly great
@@aysepersona4194 or terrible and you will regret your dicision forever. There's no way to tell. And before you say smth like 'nobody regrets children, they are amazing!!!' my grandma destroyed my mom's life. She never said she regtreted her, but oh boy you could tell from the first sight. I'd say, if it's not "hell yes!" it's "hell no!"
@@aysepersona4194wow... You can't tell a person whether they should have a child or not.
40 single and childfree no regrets
❤️😊
I make sure to look in the mirror and tell myself the same every day
46, been married over 19 years, childfree and we're loving it
I’m so sorry for you
This women is not very smart
I have 10 children
My wife obeyed and now I have 5 grest grandchildren
married no kids and I love my life
Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I am single and child free. The only thing I wonder is why most people want kids😂 And for all the invisible, isolation etc, just don’t give a damn. Own your life and your choice. There are so many things that are fun and meaningful.
As a mama of two, thank you for sharing this. I have several friends with no kids, as well as my sister ❤
I'm 41 and I don't have any kids. I'm not married and haven't ever really dated. I'm from an abusive home and I'm just now making a break with my past and finding life for myself. Things are really difficult if you come from this kind of background and I'm glad I didn't have kids because I grew up thinking the abuse was normal so I would have abused them too. I also would have picked an abusive partner as well and things would be a lot more complicated.
I've grown a lot in the past few years and slowly I'm becoming open to the idea of having people in my life. It's probably too late to have kids, but I'm okay with it because things could have been a lot worse had I ended up with an abusive partner and replicated the patterns that my family taught me.
I think to have the level of self-awareness as you do, is a great quality! It strikes me that you came out on the other side of the horrible. You should be very proud of yourself as it's very hard to achieve.
Hey,what you saying sounds like me❤ maybe we can get in contact❤ lovely day for you❤
I really wish I had more social pressure to start a family. I was always on the fence about having children. It seemed like a huge ungrateful headache. I worked in hospitality and I always saw parents looking miserable plus I was afraid of being pregnant and I valued my independence. I ended up having a son at 41 and I discovered that I love being a mama so much! I wish I would have started 10 years earlier. I thought I was so smart and so intelligent but I realized that for me I didn’t actually mature until I became a mother and that I was wrong and foolish about so much when it came to family and children. After giving birth it was like a veil was lifted, suddenly I could see clearly what was important in my life and what wasn’t. I sometimes wondered if I would end up regretting not having children and I would see other childfree people say they were happy with their lives. And now I live with regret that I didn’t start a family sooner. That being said, I did get to live a whole full life before becoming a parent, which means I didn’t have to struggle with that feeling of having my wings clipped or not being able to enjoy being young. On the other hand my sister started having kids(5) at 20 and it’s obvious to everyone around her that she would have been much happier child-free.
I can totally understand that. ❤️ thank you for sharing.
I can relate to this video a lot. So glad to stumble upon it. I'm 47 years old and at 40 had cancer (the 1st time) and then couldn't have children. So many emotions in play here. It is very upsetting, especially around the holidays. I'm a teacher so those are my kids in a way but of course it's not the same. Thanks again for a great video and take care. 💜💐
Thank you for making this video! I just turned 30 and I'm thinking a lot about this topic (maybe that's why UA-cam recommended your video to me!) I'm married and I currently don't want to have a child but I don't know how I'll feel in the future. I think it's important to have more representation of childfree people online and in mainstream media just simply living their lives so it becomes more normal. So I'm grateful you bring more visibility to this topic and I'm sure it'll make many people feel seen!
59 no regrets, have lots of hobbies and vounteer work my life is fun and fulfilling