I'm 54. I've spent most of my life being, what I call, "in my head" I never thought of it as a fantasy world. This is probably why I have nothing in real life.
Almost 50 here. When he said that the “real world” feels surreal unreal compared to the fantasy worlds & self. I believe the world, especially in the West has really fallen into that space. I remember watching a Terminal Senior Citizen. His preferable space was watching Cowboy Westerns, even though he had human beings around him. (Not that they were all that great to interact with), but still. His remaining days, he preferred a fictional drama through a television screen. It was sobering, but I still chose to continue with Fantasy myself.
I am sober 18 years and I have said so many times that fantasy was my first drug. I would put on music and disappear. I still do it. I don’t know who I am outside of it. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and encouragement.
CONGRATS!!! I Am Also Sober Over 18 Years✊ & Working HARD On My Sober Self!! It's SO WORTH IT!!! Drinking & Being Drunk Was Like Living Life Totally Dissociated!!!😱😭
Spirituality is called "fantasy" as well by many MDs and psychiatrists. Ive found meditation to be a life-savior as well as prayers to what you perceive as "sources"/"God or however you perceive him/her/it? I believe the 12 step program mention this?
@@Melchersson Yes! So Many People Are Challenged By Even The Concept Of A "Higher Power"....But As Attend AA Meetings & See The Same People - Their Spiritual Selves Heal & Open! Without God - I Would Not Only Not Be Sober - I Would Have Died In Terrible Pain In The ER In April Of 2005....SEVERE Pancreatitis....After I Pulled Thru & Was Admitted To The Hospital For Treatment - The Doctor Told Me They Didn't Expect That I Would Live Considering My Condition When I Had Arrived The Previous Night By Ambulance - Even Though I Came In With NO Alcohol In My Blood....They Couldn't "Cure" Me - My Body Had To Decide If It Could Heal & I Would Live ...That Was God! People Discount The Value & The Importance Of Spirituality!
@@maureendrozda9960 Thanks for sharing! My life story is full of drug or alcohol addiction. They still have me on benzodiazepines and addictive sleeping pills? Well, I am allowing them to do so, is a more accurate statement. In some stages of anxiety or depression, addictive drugs can be effective and used for a short while, and in my case, it was life-saving at the moment. But now the "moment" is over and I feel enough is enough and told my psychiatrist its about time, to lower the dozes slowly! / God Bless you and your loved ones, sister!
@@maureendrozda9960 Big Pharma is a bunch of some of the worst criminals on the planet! I noticed my local MD used a pen with the Pfizer logo and he prescribed mostly Pfizer-manufactured addictive pain and anxiety medications to me, with the very same pen. People put too much trust in medications overall.
I've been daydreaming since childhood to help me escape the emotional abuse I was going through. I still do this as an adult and it's to the point where I don't try to make my life better. My mind was the only safe place as a kid, and now I have to let it go, so I can build a fulfilling life for myself. Its the only comfort I get, and yet I know I have to let it go.
I spent my entire childhood and well into adulthood (mid 40’s) fantasizing/daydreaming as well. I never chose to stop, but one day, I was forced to. The ability just left me one day (partly due to acquired aphantasia). I spent the next several years going through absolute hell, but I have made a lot of changes and am still actively working on things and while it doesn’t always feel like it, they are slowly getting better.
@@Oddity00 I don’t know, but as far as I can tell it happened one night. I still remember the last image I saw. My doctors and therapists think it may have been medication I was on, or more likely due to PTSD. My anxiety absolutely skyrocketed after I lost my ability to visualize, it felt claustrophobic and scary. It comes back in little flashes every now and then, and it’s almost always something negative, so I guess I should be thankful for the aphantasia.
I used to spend a lot of time fantasizing as a child and young adult, especially when I was suffering from a painful untreated illness. I had this elaborate daydream that involved all my friends and all my favorite fictional characters and music, and I'd spend hours pacing and imagining it. I think in my case it wasn't entirely maladaptive-- I'm autistic and it seemed to help me process my emotions about my friends. Bu I think it was also a shitty outlet for my desire to tell stories and explore narrative techniques. Eventually I got serious about my writing again and I haven't felt the need to go back to those fantasies since then. For a while, I thought I was completely done fantasizing, but eventually I figured out I was still using limerence and fantasies about the future to escape-- still not as often as I did when I had the fantasy daydream story, but enough to crush me when reality didn't turn out the way I wanted. With those kinds of daydreams (especially ones about the future) I could never stand to just sit around and think about it--I felt (and still feel) a strong need to try to make it reality. These days, I treat daydreams as signs that point me toward things I might be missing in life. If I'm daydreaming about being in a band, that probably means I miss spending time with music. If I'm daydreaming about moving to rural Europe and hiking for weeks at a time, I'm probably frustrated that not getting enough solitude in nature. If I'm starting to feel limerent toward someone who seems to idealize me, maybe I'm trying to make up for my internalized shame.
You can get by pretty well in my rural country of Bulgaria, especially if you have income streams from your place. Rural houses are so cheap they are almost for free, after some renovation you can grow your food. It's lush like Naboo.
Damn. No one has talked about this and this applies to me so much. Since I was a kid I would get so invested in fantasy worlds and day dream so vividly with music. I find myself doing this all the time and haven’t found anyone who relates. Novels are so hard for me because my life sucks in comparison. Going into the new year my goal is to move away from this because it’s detrimental to my well being. Once again, thank you for what you do. You are SAVING lives and impacting people more than you will ever know.
@@Heyu7her3Not everyone is fluent in therapy speak and psychology terminology. They may not know that there is a word for “that thing they do”. Even if they know the word, they may not the scope of the symptoms. It is why it is so important that we have people like this content creators who can can break it down. Consider for example people who experience synesthesia. They don’t come out of the womb knowing that term nor do they realize that NOT everyone experiences the world in the same manner.
Thank you so much. Outside of meditation and spirituality circles I've never heard a psychologist talk about this severely under-discussed mental health topic. To the extent that we are lost in our thoughts and daydreaming, we are missing the majority of our lives and waking up to how much time has been lost to it already is a painful pill to swallow. It negatively affects everything. It is very correlated with ADHD and depression. Even after "spiritual awakening", seeing through the veil of thought, the habit of daydreaming is so entrenched it requires perpetual, vigilant self-inquiry to counteract. Not to mention the massive amount of backlogged trauma and trapped emotion that must be felt and released. Maladaptive daydreaming is more addictive than drugs and I'm positive is even more excruciating to withdraw from. I hold the barbaric "schooling" system more to blame than any other factor for this mental pandemic. The creative imagination of the child is severely thwarted in its process and divorced from expression and application in real life, it retreats inward into personalized fantasy.
You're among friends. Accepting reality, truly loving it, and working on our own thinking so we are in tune with reality and not some external fantasy that would let us not improve ourselves... this is our task now.
I am 56, I have been using this for most of my life. I have never thought of it in the way you have explained it, nor have I ever heard a mental health professional talk about it. This will be a hard habit to change for me 😢
First of all: Thank you for this very important message. Second of all: This screams for a part two. The actual steps you took to muster up the energy courage stamina resilience and whatever you encountered when fighting yourself a way back to real life. I am almost 50 and only gotten worse with maladaptive daydreaming and my discontentment with real life has gotten as problematic as you stated: social skills, isolating, hypercritical, and I try to push through but it leaves me feeling depleted for the amount of effort it takes me for what looks like/feels like very little payoff (if any). So ... Staying on this road paints a picture of a bitter old lonely cat woman I am determined NOT to become, on the other hand, HOW?? I find the reality of daily life so incredibly not fulfilling, it feels like doing time. Looking forward to all your future video's on this topic! ✌️
A part two would be really good. Until then, might I suggest exercise as a starting point? Any exercise that you might like, whether alone or in a group: long walks, running, swimming, whatever. The important thing is not which exercise, but that you like it enough to do it. My exercise is also self-defense: Jujutsu. I was 48 when I started and am now 62 and am still at it - so don't tell yourself you're too old. And if you don't feel like it on some particular day, tell yourself "just 5 minutes". If after 5 minutes you don't want to continue, then don't. But often it is like snacking: a little bit and suddenly you want more.
@@wh44 Great way to put it, exercise is wonderful. Starting small & giving 1% is always better than nothing, even if you gave more yesterday. It’s all about not falling back to 0% for a consistent period. You have a good mindset friend, keep it up
@@wh44 Thank you for your comment, funny thing is I always advise exercising to people who feel low, and like life is passing them by with them being more like an onlooker than a participant. The thing is, I already exercise most days of the week, HIIT and training for a half marathon and taking cold showers (Wim Hof method) and the list goes on of all the things I do to "heal". THAT is what I meant with little pay off for so much effort. All my resources are going towards "healing"/ "getting a life", but as I said, feels like doing time and does not make me feel anymore connected / feel a sense of community (you can work out together for years but you don't get quality one on one bond building, this goes for any group activity really, it helps with a certain type of loneliness, but not the existential type) ✌️
@@evadebruijn If your exercise feels like a burden, try something else. The best exercise in the world won't help if it drains your motivation so that you stop. If you want to socialize in your sport and you're not getting that, then try a sport where you can socialize. Half my social circle is now "Jiukas" (Jujutsu practitioners). If you do want to try a martial art or similar, ask if you can observe or even try out before joining - if you cannot, that's a red flag. If it's all young men, that's also a red flag: such groups tend to be more competitive, less social, and less helpful. Be sure the trainer treats everyone with respect.
Yes I made the realization this year that I needed to stop living on the internet. I feel the difference, but it’s not fun working on social skills. I dread events
What about when you've spent your entire life (50+ years) trying to build a good life for yourself only to have it elude you forever? I can see where this would be helpful for a young person, but what about when you are nearing retirement age and still have not been able to build the life that you want? Spending time devoted to a fantasy might truly be all you will ever have. I know another person who is also in their late 50's who is in the same boat as I am, and we both say that we don't know what we would do without our fantasies, because we have spent our whole lives struggling and suffering only to have our lives get worse, not better, and now it's too late to do anything but enjoy what little time we have left the best way we can. We are also both autistic, and autistic people spend a lot of their time in fantasy worlds because we can barely survive in this world. In this case, I think it really is a survival mechanism.
Same age, can relate. Do what you gotta do, you’ve earned it. It’s not true that if you work hard, success will come. It’s ok, you can just enjoy the here and now when you can, you know how to cooe and do the hard yards, no need for any more practice at that! Take care, look after yourself and your mates. You’re not alone with this. Young people have no way of understanding how hope can be eroded over decades.
In my opinion, if one can manage it well, fantasy doesn't just make life more bearable, but also more functional. I'm sure it has helped you going thru things and you've made it this far, I'd say celebrate it ❤ Sorry that not everything worked out as well as you want to, but hey, you've done your best and survived! And I totally can respect that. Don't mind other people.
@@jenniferroy6288 I've lost my ability to be creative due to autistic burnout, perimenopause, depression, anxiety. I was never able to make much money off it anyway, even when I did have it.
Oh my goodness. I've had a fantasy world in my head since I was a child. I spend a lot of my time in it because the real world is too much, I can not cope with it, it's too toxic and brutal. It's the only way I can survive
Earlier this year I began to crawl my way out of the fantasy hole after 23 years of dissociating and daydreaming. I have lived much of my life as if I were watching it as a movie. Beginning to leave this coping mechanism behind has been very painful, but I'm glad to hear that it may be worth the effort. Thank you!
Thank you for this video! I had a terrible childhood, where I felt so unloved, helpless, hopeless, neglected and abused. The pains were too great for my child brain, that it did find a brilliant and least self-destructive way to survive: fantasy escapism(books, movies and video games). Thanks to my coping mechanism, I never took drugs nor ever got involved with the criminal youths in my neighborhood. But that same mechanism is now so maladaptive, because I'm an adult with much more responsibilities. I can't afford to neglect my real life. You are right about every points. Yes I do feel more depressed whenever I've been too long in my fantasy, and having to get back to real life. Love your contents, sir!
If not for my fantasy (or fantasies), I'd have nothing. Nothing. I'm getting old, and I found myself going to fantasies more and more the older I got. Reality has always hurt too much.
I constantly live in a fantasy daydream world due to emotional abuse.. it’s the only time I can relax and find some sort of calmness, the world is an awful place x
Anyone else feel like social media perpetuates these fantasy worlds? Social Media really makes us lose grip on reality, and want to escape the life right in front of us. All the comparisons, expectations, and overloads of information we absorb bring us father and farther away. Gotta get back to reality.
Especially when every available legal option to keep us engaged is put to use and we get to live in parallel realities where the us and them do not talk to each other anymore but only talk about eachother which can't ever lead to a constructive outcome when there's issues. Maybe the next war should not be on drugs but on everything that messes with our brains and nervous systems especially the dopamin reward system. Take the power back! Great moment to log off UA-cam and go do something else 👍😄🙏
Most creative people are prone to having fantasy. But I think the best/ most cathartic works of fiction have a maturity and immersiveness that comes from real experience. If anything, it is the interest in and love of other people that craft meaningful characters. I really urge fellow artists out there to just go out even if it might be painful sometimes, because growth is beautiful.
Oh wow this is an excellent and relevant topic thank you for discussing it! I had been completely entrenched in fantasy worlds or 'maladaptive daydreaming' since I was a child. Back then it was either being a 'saviour' and happy place to disappear to and have an amazing vibrant different life - OR - I'd take myself to an AWFUL and not-positive fantasy world situaion. I believe because my depression and pain had no outlet and I didn't understand it in my real life, so I needed something upsetting to happen to validate my feelings. BUT now in my 40s this lifetime of escapisim has been unbelievably DAMAGING to me - as now I am trying to heal from a lot of things and stop doing this my real life can feel raw, brittle and just wrong. It's been a long journey to leave this behind.
Really reassuring to read something I could have almost written myself. My daydreams have gotten less since I‘ve started therapy, but lately I‘ve disappeared into characters that are sick and need rest. Guess who might need a little more rest 👀…
This happens with regular people too. Even if you don't have a fantasy world in your head, going into a conversation or a situation expecting it to go exactly how you imagined it will only lead to disappointment. Who hasn't experienced that?
I kinda unintentionally did cut most of that (much less time with games, anime, books) out for the last 2.5 years and focused more on my life at work, but what that lead me to was 2 years of misery, depression, and maybe developing/discovering BPD. I've hit my limit now and resolved to stop attempting to feel better there, distance myself and just drown myself in games/books.
I found that all of those law of attraction/assumption/manifestation related beliefs and behaviors contribute in exacerbating this problem when at the end of the day as you mentioned it's about not reinforcing the cognitive deficit already in place.
Hi!! I'm a 25 year-old Japanese woman. One of the mental struggles that I've been wanting to overcome is daydreaming. But it's so hard not to daydream and I keep doing it on a regular basis. Probably because I'm getting something out of it. I would appreciate it if you could talk about the cause of daydreaming and how to overcome it. Anyway, Thank you so much for talking about this!!
I'm no licensed specialist, but I can share my experiences and understanding hoping you find them helpful. In general terms, (as I see it) daydreaming is a maladaptation of the conscience to a stress of some kind with which you can't deal at the moment. I can't guess what the stress or stresses might've been for you, but it can be something you either deeply dislike about your life, or something you'd want to change, or maybe an experience you wish you haven't had. You can try to pinpoint the cause of daydreaming through any mindfulness exercises, for example meditation. You can also visit a mental health specialist all by yourself or in a group. I bet you have at least a general idea of what's wrong, so try exploring it. Overcoming can be started right now. You only need professional help to finish it, not to begin (at least unless it worsens to an emergency, which to my understanding is not the case). Try doing sports, hobbies, socializing, doing something new, learning new habits. This is all possible starting this moment and it's always useful whether you know the reasons of your daydreaming or not.
Could also be a symptom of "inattentive-type ADHD". It's one of the disorders he mentions at the beginning. It's also the prevalent form of ADHD diagnosed in women.
I think some incarcerated people develop fantasy worlds and share some of it with a loved one on the outside, as a way to survive doing the time together. Finding a way back to reality might be a huge factor in reducing recidivism. If you developed a structured way to "get back to reality" and this was made into an intervention and studied, it could make a difference for many people who have been given up on.
I can relate this, I've become addicted to maladaptive daydreaming/making my own fantasy world for a long time now. I sturggle to find the energy to most things, even the ones I enjoy, and I have a fear of faliure that's only gotten stronger over the years. My mind wante to create a fantasy world where I could never lose and where I could be everything I thought I couldn't be since I felt it was my only choice.
I'm 70, spend most of my time in a near-fantasy world and I love it. I function and thrive as well as anyone. I rise to occasions and real-life situations as they happen and accept my responsibilities. I have very good self-care, longtime friends, a happy marriage, and enjoy my post-retirement parttime job. I'm an artist and writer and being in a fantasy world has made me better at both. I have the advantage of AGE in a world that is crumbling and beyond repair. What's more delusional than fantasy is to carry on with magical thinking or hope that the world will reverse its course. It will never happen.
As someone who's battled for years with nearly destroying my life through escapism and gaming (especially MMOs), I thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about as I work to rebuild a real life again. It has become so common, sadly. I'd love to see a part two! A huge thank you goes out to you for putting out such relatable content!
Don't you think that spending a time in a fantasy world might be a psychological necessity, especially when your present life is too hard to bear, and it is much beyond your power to change it, at least for the time being? Of course, we always run the risk of addiction. But it is a necessary relief before coming back to reality.
But is is truly a relief? If it enhances your reality, then yes, like coming home from a vacation all refreshed, battery charged. But if it is to escape reality, and coming home is extra unpleasant because of that stark contrast with that paradise like feel on that remote island, then more time spent on that island will not help with having the home life feel less burdensome. To create a life you do not need an escape from would be the wiser long term solution to grow out of being unhappy with where you're at. But I totally see your point of psychological necessity, if it is chosen consciously, temporarily, while main focus stays on what IS in your power/where you have choice and the freedom to choose differently. The thing is these things rarely are temporary, they become a habit, and habits are very hard to break so best not to cultivate them to begin with, as in an prevention being better than cure (I would like to say this to my younger self, spending so much time depressed in bed. An ex-partner taught me how even being on the couch all day is still an important step better than staying in bed when going through a depression episode.) ✌️
@@evadebruijnI think fantasy can be a tool to make our lives better, such as creating things and pursuing art because art can be shared in the real world, and that's why the ruling classes always want to suppress the creativity of the working class. If we gave ourselves the time to create shareable different worlds, we just might fight to manifest them in reality and they wouldn't want that.
I very much relate and also call for a part 2!!! Daydreaming heavily each day since feeling trapped during childhood emotional abuse, with much fantasy interaction. Realized my seemingly inescapable internet addiction/escapism this year is another extension of that and determined to start working to break free.
I hope you are not mad, that I am calling you by your first name, but this topic is, as you have pointed out many times over, veeeery personal, Scott. This is the third time I am watching this, while very ironically, playing a video game that I know very well of, I am addicted to. All of the painful reasons that this messes up all kinds of relationships towards self and others and the way it transforms the thinking, I can attest to. But I have come to realize, that I not only play for the escape from overwhelm in real life, but, as I am on the way of finishing my masters, the clear-cut and easy to follow instructions of the game. I am more addicted to that than any of the character building, getting items and being good stuff. I just want to dabble around doing easy stuff where my mind can just shut off. Its not so easy for me to get in real life, because everything is linked to something hard. Reading research articles, finishing projects, writing essays, preparing presentations, what not. And my PTSD, anxious, sometimes depressed mind, is just sooooooooooo easy to overwhelm these days. Like I am the happiest on earth when I can somewhat keep to my schedules, but when there is a single appointment or deadline or anything minor coming on top, I feel like crashing. I can feel my dysregulation running and although I am now more mindful of what role my thought patterns and things like that, have a play in this. I still have a hard time managing re-regulating. And then there is this game. Its World of Warcraft, you probably know or heard of it. I have played it as a teenager when all of the emotional mess was happening and I have sticked to it. There were years when I could quit for months at a time and even last year I didnt play much, here and there an hour. I mean, I know its boring, I can feel it, when I play it, but my overwhelm doesnt care about it being a fun experience. I just want an alternative world where I can manage life, like you have described in your Sims example. Objectively my life is great at the moment. I can hardly believe that I even came this far already with all the mental handicaps. And deep inside, I know that all these years, that all the dreams I had in those times, that all the things I actually wanted to do, have never been realised. Those years are kinda lost. And my brain is not able to remember right now, but I think you have mentioned this too. Like, there is so much regret and grief attached to it. I know that everyone has their own story of losing years to something, that they feel regret over. The game has also helped me out to at least escape some of the emotional pain and overwhelm and I probably wouldnt be here if there never has been a way for my brain to shut off. So I am also grateful for it. But yeah, as I am already on it - I lastly want to mention, on how I can still handle, not wasting my whole day (like I did for years). I plan ahead, obviously. There are 3 pillars everyday that I have for myself. 1. Enough sleep/rest 2. I need my 60-90mins walk or sports 3. Nutritious food (best case, cooking). I always know when I want to go out for the walk, I always know when I want to eat and have to prepare food and when I want to go to sleep in order not to feel messed up. I also have two projects to finish until next week, so what I always do now is structure the work in many small tasks. Like, what I need to research, how much time I need to format the file at the end, how and what kind of data I wanna use, blabla. So everyday I take 2-3 tasks from the list, that take me around 1-2 hours and I always start with the easiest after breakfast, just to get myself going, having easy access to accomplishments and the feeling of "I got this, I can handle this" after midday I probably tackle the harder problems where I need more time usually, but I dont overwork - if I cant finish it - I do it the next day first. And at last in the evening, doing an easy task again. Filtering some data or copy&pasting stuff or whatever. Here and there I log in inbetween, but I always have alarms set, so that I realize, what time it is and what I still have to do. Pffuu... thats a longass comment, I usually dont do these. 😂 Anyways - I really enjoy watching your content, Scott - if you happen to have read it until this point - could you share how you have set your time for gaming? You said you have been gradually decreasing it as well - how? Did you set alarms, timers or did you allocate a special time of the day/week for gaming, etc.? - To
Ive spent way too long in fantasy worlds where im being atta ked and simulating fears and fights and such actually taking place in my mind causing me to always dissociate. They feel real and my body responds as such. Always robbing my of mypeace and leading to bipolar shifts. I find myseld becoming volatile. Its a defense mechanism to prepare urself for the worst as if the worst is actually literally taking place.
Dr. Scott, thanks so much for your videos. I just found your channel. I feel like you are exactly expressing what I feel at the moment. I just came back to my hometown after a long time staying abroad. In that country, I had a hard time integrating myself because the culture is really different from mine. I am a very creative and imaginative person so that I sometimes lived in a fantasy world before, but abroad I really distanced myself from everything and was all by myself for a long time because I felt I don't fit in. Now that I am back home, I often have the feeling that the real world is flawed and surreal. I am now searching for jobs and sometimes think that this is not real. I often had the feeling that I am loosing my mind abroad and now here too. I never realized that I might have built a fantasy world for myself because I am very sensitive, and the real world can hurt me severely. Maybe you can make a video on how to stay "sober" and/or how sensitive people can still survive in this world. 🙂
My X husband seems like he did this. He was always so invested in other people's stories and lives. He constantly rejected me and our kids. Nothing we ever did or were was good enough or right for him. You've given me something to think about. You've answered some part of my why question.
Movies and video games have been my big distraction and fantasy. I still have this big gapping hole in my heart and soul. I do not know how to overcome it. Depression and anxiety have stolen so much of my life that I feel so left behind. Life feels like 1 big dread of disappointment and hopelessness . I settle for unhealthy , detached friends and friends who seem to have life altering issues like fear of driving certain places and that they depend on me to do the driving to all outings while they suggest no plans or invite me to the places they do drive. The same stuff I struggles with at 24 is the same at 48--- debt, detached friends and family, lack of purpose, and loneliness with no real fun. Co dependency
I'm absolutely mind blown about how much this video's message aligns with the past decade of my life. Kind of makes me sad that I didn't find a video like this years ago. Things have changed drastically since then but it took flipping my life upside down to accomplish it.
My mother literally taught me how to dissociate and escape into fantasy when I was 5yo. Not an exaggeration, not a euphemism. Sat my-5yo-self down and gave me detailed instructions.
It's so good to hear people talking about this because it has played such a huge part in my feelings of regret and inadequacy (and therefore my anxiety and depression) even though originally it helped me escape them. Wild stuff that needs to be handled with care and frankness, so thank you ❤️
I’ve gone down too many rabbit holes. Finding the truth that I don’t necessarily need must be my escape. I’m barely working. Found mold in the home removed. I’m in a constant anxiety now and have a fungal infection. Can’t even barely answer the phone. Then I stress about money. Not taking care of myself, feeling stuck and burnt out. People used to be drawn to me and now I don’t even want to be around me. I know I can heal but don’t stick to what I should be doing. I want my spark back but for once I want something easy. Thank you this resonated with me.
Thank you, I've just tried connecting with friends when I tend to get lost in, say distractions. They are busy (friends) but it's a step forward I feel. Always feel enlightened whilst viewing
I fantasize too much about my future but then I do nothing to actually improve it and get what I want. The twist is that my present real life isn't even that bad. I have some things going for me but I still feel like a loser. In my fantasies I am not a loser anymore.
Your videos have incredibly helpful to me....at 62 years old. I've been battling for so long and you have a unique way of putting things in its proper perspective. This particular video has been mind blowing. Thanks so much, Dr. Scott.
THIS has impacted me and all of us who have perhaps lived under that heavy rock and we felt “alone”, yet normal to live that “way”. I, with a ton more viewers, highly suggest to continue on this topic. The last two minutes while obscure to find “methods”, it is something I am dealing with as I go thru a divorce. This comes from a true sense of feeling: the day or moments you realize imagination didn’t work SUCKS to no end. But the days/weeks after those two days have been awesome, if that is even allowed to describe by. I am NOT even close to being “me”, but reading books, exercise, saying “no”, has helped. Whatever any of us does to stop this “addiction”, I wish you all success, from my sincere side. Doctor, please I beg you kindly to consider more in depth on this topic. You are a hero by bringing this out. I feel shame I have lived that way, but to hell with that addiction. Thanks, jcd
Thank you so much! I've been doing this since I was a teen, and I'm 41, my life is a mess. I'm the cautionary tale, I feel like I'm losing grip on reality so hard that even when I try to do something to improve my actual life, I lose precious hours imagining possible outcomes. Please help us with a second part on how to stop. I'll be doing my best to avoid daydreaming from now. Also, I'm going to stay tuned in for any resources you can give us. Thank you again. Ps. I'm starting to read your book.
Hello! Im fairly new to your content.🙋🏼♀️ I've never heard anyone talk so clearly about the fantasy world and how it keeps us from really engaging with friends, life or in particular, romantic relationships because we've conditioned ourselves to be disappointed by real people. It helps so much hearing someone talk about it that also has experienced it, not just studied it in books. Happy New Year!🎉
I was asking myself why I like a certain tv show so much. It’s was because all the characters supported each other the way my family use to before key people passed away. The tv show characters had a tribe and I no longer do.
I understand your trying to bring awareness to us who are in this space. Please try to focus on the solutions not the problems. Alot of us feel doom when 90% of the information is negative. It's like trying to motivate with fear. We need solutions not doom
Another video where i have realized so much..Dr Scott..your youtube channel must be such a help to so many people who would never get this quality of advice..my hero of 2023...sending love from Cornwall..England
100% right! Being disabled & homebound, the only people I interact with are paid Caregivers & doctors. I do stupid things like buy clothes with the vision that I will get better. I will go out, dressed up, looking & feeling good. Waste of time & money. It is a fantasy world, but if I smack my face - saying "No, I'm never going to go out & about." Deep & quick spiral down into depression & GRIEF.
I wonder if there is a way to spend a healthy amount of time in a fantasy world of your own creation when you’re a writer who creates fantasy worlds? I can see how it makes my life harder sometimes but without that creative expression I wouldn’t be living my life to the fullest.
I've started daydreaming when I was really young (kindergarten age) and it became maladaptive a bit later cause I've been bullied a lot at school and wasn't really close to any of my family members... Had a lot of issues and have been labeled as lazy or useless, I just really needed to feel accepted and safe. I'm stuck now, I'm 26 and I'm afraid I'm way beyond repair. Anytime I've tried not to daydream for a few days I had terrible issues like hearing my voice coming from another place, not recognising myself anymore, seeing fog in my room and feeling like a zombie... Do I have any chance? I don't know what to do with my life anymore...
I guess even if you're just wishing that people were different than they are or the world was different than it is, would you fall into this fantasy world idea? I've never been addicted to video games, anime, or anything like that, but just being isolated and wishing things were different in relationships and the world tends to come up often. I'm trying some of your techniques for depression/anxiety. So far, they are helpful. I made myself go to the family gathering yesterday and actually had a decent time. Thanks, Dr. Scott.🙂
This is my experience as well. Magical thinking. Wishing the world would be different, more accepting of autism and disabilities. It involves a grieving process. I almost feel like I have a complete block or resistance to fantasy world, having very little imagination and inability to visualize (aphantasia).
This is huge: I made myself go to the family gathering and actually had a decent time These successes need to be celebrated for the lived experience is the only sustainable incentive to stay on track, so here's to you 💪🥳👍‼️
YES! AND - On The Flip Side - SOMETIMES The CREATIVITY Of Escaping Pain Thru "Fantasy" ALSO Draws Creates Great Art & Great Artists! Can't Wait To Read Your Book, Dr. Scott!
As an only child I have lived in my head in my fantasy world most of my life. It saved me as a child but it doesn’t serve me as an adult. Letting it go is difficult though
Does this mean you should not “dream big”? Because that’s how I have (mostly) always reached my goals. I literally have woken up, sat on my bed and said to myself “This thing I’m dreaming about for a while now, I AM pursuing this goal.” It’s literally like that - SNAP. And then I’m hellbent to reach it until I do. I’m a goat like that.
"You will own nothing and you will like it" that is our future and you think I want to escape our reality? no kidding...There are many more examples I could include but that is the most representative of the bunch. I escape to cope with what will come.
So helpful!!!! Thank you sooooo much for your presence and sharing this!!!!! I love the analogy to getting sober and living in real time confronting things head on...so hard and your sharing your journey is encouraging!
Great research right here. This is such an important topic that completely gets ignored. I'm just amazed you didn't specifically mention adult content. That's a huuge issue with modern relationships. It's so very sad.
Living with a person who has done this for more than a decade now. It mimics addiction, and it has also been paired off and on with substance abuse. The cognitive effects and negative social consequences are the same. Like addictions, this is a relationship destroyer, although this seems more insidious when it starts as something that appears innocuous until it takes over multiple hours of the day and the person living the fantasy is emotionally bankrupt.
This explains why the movie trope of a person getting hypnotized or knocked on the head and waking up as their favorite hero or fictional character are my favorites. Somewhere between age 3 and 7, I decided 'these are definitely NOT my parents', and perhaps I wasn't from the area where I lived, and that I was WAY different and sometimes invisible...and yes, it went into I'm possibly not from this time period, or planet - or maybe I was a lab experiment that got away, as I headed into my teens. That topped off with my parents raising me in a rather unpopular cult, as the cherry on top - so, not only am I different, now I get to be openly disliked for that. I'm 59, dumped the cult some years back, and still don't fit in anywhere somehow. Either, I'm not 'free willy' enough, or I need to be in someone else's religion. I recently listened to a podcast about possessing 'quirks' and embracing them, and seeing who shows up. Giving it a go...I live in a relatively small community so it's not surprising to me that I live in a 'nest' of people who are desperately uncomfortable not 'belonging' to a 'family line' [that 'founded' this area in the 1800s], a religion, a local group, 'friends' who all do the same thing [which around here involves drugs and/or alcohol at some point in time/if not all the time]. In 2021 at my dad's funeral, none of the cult attended - but his old buddies and family before the cult came, and here's the flea they put in my ear..."God, your dad and I had some times [aka drinking and sleeping around]! Then he went and joined that damn religion! " [which didn't stop dad any from 'having some times' with his friends on the sly]. Alrighty then! And thank you for 'barfing' your beef with him, on me. Same with his relatives...before it was all over somebody had decided that my mom had done him in. If anyone feels warm fuzzies for these people, they live at the tippy top of Northern California - you can't miss them - it's like they're all inbred. But I'm the weirdo. Just remember that. I don't mind flawed human beings - I mind toxic flawed human beings. I happen to be a really good listener, and people tend to tell me everything - and because I'm listening and holding space for them to 'get somewhere in their thoughts', they assume I'm agreeing with everything they're saying. And I don't. I'm not their therapist, I'm their dumping ground. When I share, they are either floored, can't hear it, or start fixing me. Long story long, I need a lot of recovery time, all the time.
interesting take on ADD (again, i feel like you´re talkig about me...). Would love to hear more from you concerning ADD/Autism/Neurodiversity and how it may relates to depession. Other than that, I can´t put into words how lucky I feel to have found your channel.
I think it’s fitting yet bittersweet that I watched this in the first week after the loss of my (toxic) mother. I've been a mental escapist for the majority of my almost 52 years. It’s going to be tough to build a healthy mental state and happy single life, but I both want to... and need to. This was one more very big truth bomb added to the arguments why it's so important that I do. Thank you for not shying away from difficult and painful truth. You are like few other counselors out there because you understand from personal experience what it’s like to be at unhealthy, absolute rock bottom.
Just at the beginning of the video - yes, it makes sense that the very thing helping can turn into the problem. I guess it’s the same as as coping mechanism in childhood that are problems in adulthood. Really glad Dr. S is addressing this. Thank you.
How do you know my brain soooo well?!?! I’ve never heard another person understand my inner world so well without even knowing me. I’m not religious but growing up my mom would take us to church. I remember that she found a priest that would give his Sunday sermon (I that’s what they are called) and she said that she felt that it always had a message about how to deal with something she was going through that week. That’s how I feel about your videos. I’ll be ruminating about something and then I’ll check UA-cam and there you are with a video that addresses exactly what I’m going through. I’ll always comment this, please keep going and making videos. I literally don’t comment on any videos ever. But I feel like this is the least I can do. You are saving lives.
Dr. Scott: and thats how spending time in fantasy world is bad for you. Me: oh yeah, I'll consider it when I'll be thinking about my fantasy world. Me to me: WAIT. Me: oh yeah, I have a character who spend a lot of time in fantasy worlds. I can use info from this video to develop them... Me to me: hey, we're trying to stop that! Me: yeah, this character will be funny to think about. Really, I'm so invested in my fantasy and so used to seek for writing advices and ideas, that I was thinking about my fantasy story while watching a video about why I shouldn't spend too much time doing that. And it even took me some time to realise that. I expirience almost all costs of escaping to fantasy listed in the video. And I myself was thinking about stopping thinking about my fantasy story for a while until my own life becomes better. After watchin the video I'm sure that's what I should do. Though I'm sure I'll return to my story at some point, I just love it to much to abandon it completely.
One thing I've learned from all of my addictive/fantasy tendencies (gaming, masturbation, music, weed, sugar, Islam which I'll get to, shopping) is that they can also involve some engagement in reality; in friendships and social situations (i.e. peer pressure), also in volunteering. Another thing can be that a new addiction serves as a sequel to an old addiction, meaning that the main reason the person can't kick the habit is not because he fears withdrawal, but relapse into the old addiction (e.g. Methadone replacing heroin). Speaking of friendships; that's very often the greatest cost if you kick the habit, hence you keep going. I think many people know these days how dreadful loneliness can be. As much as games can be addictive, I have to believe that had it not been for games, many people would've instead turned to drugs/alcohol, suicide, crime (in real life as opposed to in many games, e.g. for excitement/adventure). Thus it ain't really the games' fault. One thing that's never brought up by therapist circles, but I think should be, is how car dependency has impacted North America: Lack of daily movement, obesity, less daily exposure to people (due to lack of public transport and walking/biking), car costs, pollution and climate change (hurricane Katrina, wildfires), bigger roads and parking lots, less room for nature and useful facilities etc. It's hard not to believe that's caused some additional depression in many lives. Being from Sweden; I've been very exempt from all that, except for climate change to a degree. After having compared all of my tendencies after listening to this, I have to say nothing comes anywhere close to Islam. Why? Well, this could apply to any religion, but Islam is what happened to me. It all started with peer pressure in 2015 and seemed harmless. I'd been thinking about Islam for many years prior without knowing much. Turned out I knew nothing before, cause now my whole life turned upside down never to be the same again. Like any religion, I couldn't question my new-found faith nor leave. It became all about heaven or hell; this life didn't matter, it's just a test. The only thing that matters is following the religion correctly regardless of consequences. At first I wasn't trying to escape anything, but now I had to simply not go to hell. And this was pushed steadily by scholars; I wasn't just living in my own head. I saw my life fall apart and I desperately wanted to go back again and pull it together, but Islam wouldn't allow me. Eventually my own body wouldn't allow me to continue with Islam fully. It came just in time in 2020. Now I had debilitating chronic fatigue for the years to come, once again hooked on games and masturbation like when I was a teenager. At first it was all "Qadr Allah" (God's plan), but realizing gradually that Islam had caused all this (masturbation is haram btw, but I've never used porn for it), I left in September 2022 and never looked back. I automatically lost interest in games in late 2021 already and I've cut down on MB just recently. The thing about Islam is that I firmly believed I was engaging in reality. During those years I hardly ever gamed much less MB'd. Only recently I've realized Islam was all a fantasy, an addiction in fact. Gaming and MB made me in fact get back to reality in the given circumstance, sharing those interests with many others online, eventually wanting to be more outdoors around strangers and crowds. It taught me stuff I'd otherwise never learned, and thus I can apply that to reality (let alone post this very comment) instead of just escaping it all. You should definitely do a part 2 on the subject of fantasizing.
You are amazing. You have been through so much and you are very honest with your struggles. Life is a tough old journey. Now I just try to live one day at a time and find joy in the simple pleasures and be kind whenever I can. .......including to myself 😊 Good luck
Thanks for this dr Scott! I created fantasy worlds as a child in an abusive household. In those my situation would also suck, but someone would be able to come and save me. I did not believe there was any way out of my real terrible situation. I still do this sometimes, and it is hard to accept that this is maladaptive even though I already know it is. I have been reducing my fantasy world time and building my real world skills but it's still so hard sometimes.
Dr Eillers, I have a question. What about people who are using meditation and spiritually for what they think is balance? Aren't they to somewhat escaping their reality, focusing into another reality? Just a question, not a judgement of anyone. Asking because my spiritually is to a large extent my strength and balance, but I also have to be very careful because I could stay in meditation all day if I didn't restrict myself. So my question is, can that be something that can cause you to have unrealistic expectations, because your spiritual world is so much better?
31, spent years of my life living a daydream, hyperfixating on fictional characters and that, even feeling emotions through them. As I've healed Ive relied on it less and less and I tend to just daydream when I want to pass time. It gets easier
What if you use the fantasy version of yourself as a template for your real-life behavior? I used to do tabletop roleplaying games as a teen, and I always played someone braver and more charismatic than myself. When I entered the workforce, instead of being my normal geeky self, I tried to be like my characters. I hid my awkwardness behind the veneer of my dashing illusionist-rogue, and people LIKED that version of me. Through my 20s and 30s, I got promoted time and again because people saw me as a leader, even though I knew my real self was just faking those skills. Now that I’m in my 40s, people STILL believe I’m this strong, magnetic person, when I know I’m still that introverted, weird little girl rolling dice. When friends ask how I got into management YEARS before they did, I just told them I roleplayed management. I love your videos, but still feel like there’s a place in escapism that can help a person grow.
It could be a combination of visualization and fake it till you make it. Be careful as you might end up having imposter syndrome. On the other hand, you do need to have deliberate actions to mould the person you want to be in your mind and you have already done it in moulding yourself to be a manager. You do have the potential to be a manager and visualisation helps bring that potential out. I think what Dr Scott is talking about is also living in a fantasy world, daydreaming or visualisation without taking any actions.
I can see that working in corporate world, I mean each job is in a way a role to play. But what effect does it have in private life, where playing roles only leaves us feeling like strangers to ourselves, and unseen unheard by the people around us, because we do not show up as we are but with acts/masks? (I'm truly happy it has worked out so well for you! My experience with the most adamant 'fake it till you make it' person I know, who IMO ended up fake instead of having it made, to such an extent I chose to disengage, of course heavily colors my pov) ✌️
“Life, as we find it, is too hard for us; it brings us too many pains, disappointments and impossible tasks. In order to bear it we cannot dispense with palliative measures... There are perhaps three such measures: powerful deflections, which cause us to make light of our misery; substitutive satisfactions, which diminish it; and intoxicating substances, which make us insensible to it.” (Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents).
My parents were so demented that they kept us shut away from the world our entire childhood. We could not have friends or contact with people outside of our house. I felt so trapped I could not wait to get out. While I was stuck in that house I would read a lot, it would take me away to another world. As soon as I could I left and started living my life, I loved it.
Yep, really needed to hear this. Finally I am sensing on an emotional "knowing" level the truths you shared here. Thank you, I really needed someone to speak this in the way you did. An optimistic dread about how to untrain myself out of this way of living is calmly clear, the vulnerability required to do the work is quite intimidating, leting go of the comfort my fantasys that brings me will require so much courage to set these mental boundaries that will have to be set is going to be the challengelege of my life. Thank you for helping me see me see
i am so glad for videos like this- and yes relatable - the moment in 2022 i clearly remember was - no matter how much perfect my imagination would be - it will never give me that memory and experience of life itself that a real moment does - slowly the way my entire brain was working , it understood and went 180 degrees- It was a collective insight from personal experience, lot of guidance and stories through videos and doctors and reminiscing old good memories and seeing how imperfect they were yet good #7stepsToMentalHealth
Hello Scott. Wow!! This video really hit hard. But I am glad it did. I am not a gamer, at all. But I spend too much time on Facebook, UA-cam etc. What you said about ADHD was also scary for me because my daughter and granddaughter are ADHD. They both spend way too much time on games. Thank you for shining a bright light on this subject.
I look forward to every video you post. It helps me so much! I pursue unrealistic goals. I daydream, I make up daydreams in my head that make me happy, and then I have to hit Reality. I am an artist (amateur), I keep dreaming I will get better, but no matter how much I try, it is grueling, which makes me want to QUIT.
Great topic that is seldom discussed. I used to have bipolar and one of the symptoms is having grandiose fantasies and having out of proportion confidence and optimism from those fantasies. Now I look at life as a single player game. Everything from work to relationships is a game. Those fantasies in my mind have turned into sort of fantasy games. I choose my games and I play to win.
Nobody "used to have" bipolar. There's no cure. If you have bipolar, it doesn't go away. You might be less symptomatic now but you still have bipolar. IF you were correctly diagnosed by a psychiatrist or a very good therapist.
I do this though thankfully nowadays it's a lot less prevalent. The thing about these fantasies is that they're not difficult to take to a different direction. let me explain. I was never allowed to express emotions or opinions as a kid so I the only way I could deal with my emotions was through fantasy. The most common type was that I played a sort of monster or otherwise outcast person (usually the descendant of some evil race) and I would be rejected hurt or mortally wounded one way or another. Another was me trying to befriend a person I admired at the time (once again, from an underdog position). In either of these, the goal for me as a character was to be saved by another character or to successfully befriend the person I wanted to befriend, but for the longest time I never let myself get to that point. What I told myself was that anything I would think of would be unrealistic, but in reality people liking me was just so out of my frame of reference that my brain bluescreened trying to imaginine a happy ending for me. Make of that what you will. The twist is that no matter how unrealistic it seemed, I started giving myself a happy ending anyways. Compared to the initial fantasies, these took minutes instead of hours and calmed me down a lot faster so I can almost immediately resume my business in the real world. As it turns out this is how I was able to connect to my wounded inner child. By giving them someone that would save/befriend/comfort/heal them, who is, of course, also played by me.
My case isn't as severe as many of the examples you gave, but I do relate to this. I'm mostly "sober" at the moment, but I don't know how long that will last. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD, so it's kind of a miracle that I've been able to connect myself to reality as much as I have. One symptom of ADHD that makes it really difficult is hyperfixation. I get SO invested in whatever interest it is, that I spend hours and hours and hours engaging with it if I don't make a very conscious and strict decision to limit myself. I feel even more disconnected from the people in my life than usual because almost no one will ever understand why I care so much about it. It's already extremely difficult for me to keep up with daily responsibilities because of executive dysfunction, but when they become even *less* stimulating for me, it's practically impossible. At the peaks of my hyperfixations, I have experienced some mild derealization and depersonalization, but that's usually when my perfectionism and anxiety kick in and I shame myself into fixing it. It's a relief to know I have a line that's very hard to cross and I won't stay in that state for an overly long time. But it's scary to think about the fact that I will likely always be inclined towards escapism. I feel like if I'm not careful enough, I could relapse into this maladaptive daydreaming at any moment. Good times, good times
I'm 54. I've spent most of my life being, what I call, "in my head" I never thought of it as a fantasy world. This is probably why I have nothing in real life.
Almost 50 here. When he said that the “real world” feels surreal unreal compared to the fantasy worlds & self. I believe the world, especially in the West has really fallen into that space.
I remember watching a Terminal Senior Citizen. His preferable space was watching Cowboy Westerns, even though he had human beings around him. (Not that they were all that great to interact with), but still.
His remaining days, he preferred a fictional drama through a television screen.
It was sobering, but I still chose to continue with Fantasy myself.
I am sober 18 years and I have said so many times that fantasy was my first drug. I would put on music and disappear. I still do it. I don’t know who I am outside of it. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and encouragement.
CONGRATS!!! I Am Also Sober Over 18 Years✊ & Working HARD On My Sober Self!! It's SO WORTH IT!!! Drinking & Being Drunk Was Like Living Life Totally Dissociated!!!😱😭
Spirituality is called "fantasy" as well by many MDs and psychiatrists. Ive found meditation to be a life-savior as well as prayers to what you perceive as "sources"/"God or however you perceive him/her/it? I believe the 12 step program mention this?
@@Melchersson Yes! So Many People Are Challenged By Even The Concept Of A "Higher Power"....But As Attend AA Meetings & See The Same People - Their Spiritual Selves Heal & Open! Without God - I Would Not Only Not Be Sober - I Would Have Died In Terrible Pain In The ER In April Of 2005....SEVERE Pancreatitis....After I Pulled Thru & Was Admitted To The Hospital For Treatment - The Doctor Told Me They Didn't Expect That I Would Live Considering My Condition When I Had Arrived The Previous Night By Ambulance - Even Though I Came In With NO Alcohol In My Blood....They Couldn't "Cure" Me - My Body Had To Decide If It Could Heal & I Would Live ...That Was God! People Discount The Value & The Importance Of Spirituality!
@@maureendrozda9960 Thanks for sharing! My life story is full of drug or alcohol addiction. They still have me on benzodiazepines and addictive sleeping pills? Well, I am allowing them to do so, is a more accurate statement.
In some stages of anxiety or depression, addictive drugs can be effective and used for a short while, and in my case, it was life-saving at the moment. But now the "moment" is over and I feel enough is enough and told my psychiatrist its about time, to lower the dozes slowly! / God Bless you and your loved ones, sister!
@@maureendrozda9960 Big Pharma is a bunch of some of the worst criminals on the planet! I noticed my local MD used a pen with the Pfizer logo and he prescribed mostly Pfizer-manufactured addictive pain and anxiety medications to me, with the very same pen.
People put too much trust in medications overall.
I've been daydreaming since childhood to help me escape the emotional abuse I was going through. I still do this as an adult and it's to the point where I don't try to make my life better. My mind was the only safe place as a kid, and now I have to let it go, so I can build a fulfilling life for myself. Its the only comfort I get, and yet I know I have to let it go.
He's essentially talking about Complex PTSD. The symptoms are similar to ADHD.
I spent my entire childhood and well into adulthood (mid 40’s) fantasizing/daydreaming as well. I never chose to stop, but one day, I was forced to. The ability just left me one day (partly due to acquired aphantasia).
I spent the next several years going through absolute hell, but I have made a lot of changes and am still actively working on things and while it doesn’t always feel like it, they are slowly getting better.
@@RS-of8odDon’t take advice from some random person on the internet. See a professional if you need help. You might or might not have PTSD.
@@anxylum how did you acquire it?
@@Oddity00 I don’t know, but as far as I can tell it happened one night. I still remember the last image I saw. My doctors and therapists think it may have been medication I was on, or more likely due to PTSD. My anxiety absolutely skyrocketed after I lost my ability to visualize, it felt claustrophobic and scary. It comes back in little flashes every now and then, and it’s almost always something negative, so I guess I should be thankful for the aphantasia.
Daydreaming is bad but waking up from it one day is worse.
Having nothing - no love care or success is worse. No purpose in life or stoicism for the terrible truths of life.
My dreams are the only things that keep me going. Without them I would have killed my self a long time ago.
I used to spend a lot of time fantasizing as a child and young adult, especially when I was suffering from a painful untreated illness. I had this elaborate daydream that involved all my friends and all my favorite fictional characters and music, and I'd spend hours pacing and imagining it. I think in my case it wasn't entirely maladaptive-- I'm autistic and it seemed to help me process my emotions about my friends. Bu I think it was also a shitty outlet for my desire to tell stories and explore narrative techniques. Eventually I got serious about my writing again and I haven't felt the need to go back to those fantasies since then.
For a while, I thought I was completely done fantasizing, but eventually I figured out I was still using limerence and fantasies about the future to escape-- still not as often as I did when I had the fantasy daydream story, but enough to crush me when reality didn't turn out the way I wanted. With those kinds of daydreams (especially ones about the future) I could never stand to just sit around and think about it--I felt (and still feel) a strong need to try to make it reality.
These days, I treat daydreams as signs that point me toward things I might be missing in life. If I'm daydreaming about being in a band, that probably means I miss spending time with music. If I'm daydreaming about moving to rural Europe and hiking for weeks at a time, I'm probably frustrated that not getting enough solitude in nature. If I'm starting to feel limerent toward someone who seems to idealize me, maybe I'm trying to make up for my internalized shame.
You can get by pretty well in my rural country of Bulgaria, especially if you have income streams from your place. Rural houses are so cheap they are almost for free, after some renovation you can grow your food. It's lush like Naboo.
@@vectoranvilBulgaria looks like the best life that society evolved to. Anything afterwards has been a series of degenerate missteps unsustainably so.
Damn. No one has talked about this and this applies to me so much. Since I was a kid I would get so invested in fantasy worlds and day dream so vividly with music. I find myself doing this all the time and haven’t found anyone who relates. Novels are so hard for me because my life sucks in comparison. Going into the new year my goal is to move away from this because it’s detrimental to my well being. Once again, thank you for what you do. You are SAVING lives and impacting people more than you will ever know.
People do talk about the actual problem -- Complex PTSD. The fantasy bit is called "maladaptive daydreaming"... also "limerance" is part of it
@@Heyu7her3Not everyone is fluent in therapy speak and psychology terminology. They may not know that there is a word for “that thing they do”. Even if they know the word, they may not the scope of the symptoms. It is why it is so important that we have people like this content creators who can can break it down. Consider for example people who experience synesthesia. They don’t come out of the womb knowing that term nor do they realize that NOT everyone experiences the world in the same manner.
@@carrington2949
Thank you so much. Outside of meditation and spirituality circles I've never heard a psychologist talk about this severely under-discussed mental health topic.
To the extent that we are lost in our thoughts and daydreaming, we are missing the majority of our lives and waking up to how much time has been lost to it already is a painful pill to swallow. It negatively affects everything.
It is very correlated with ADHD and depression.
Even after "spiritual awakening", seeing through the veil of thought, the habit of daydreaming is so entrenched it requires perpetual, vigilant self-inquiry to counteract. Not to mention the massive amount of backlogged trauma and trapped emotion that must be felt and released.
Maladaptive daydreaming is more addictive than drugs and I'm positive is even more excruciating to withdraw from.
I hold the barbaric "schooling" system more to blame than any other factor for this mental pandemic. The creative imagination of the child is severely thwarted in its process and divorced from expression and application in real life, it retreats inward into personalized fantasy.
i didn't know living in a fantasy was this common. i feel less shame about this. ❤
You're among friends. Accepting reality, truly loving it, and working on our own thinking so we are in tune with reality and not some external fantasy that would let us not improve ourselves... this is our task now.
@@y_yy_2844Exactly Right.❤
No shame, it's how you got through. You're a strong, creative survivor and should be proud. Keep going. ❤
I don't feel shame because real life SUCKS 😅
Same.
I am 56, I have been using this for most of my life. I have never thought of it in the way you have explained it, nor have I ever heard a mental health professional talk about it. This will be a hard habit to change for me 😢
First of all: Thank you for this very important message.
Second of all: This screams for a part two.
The actual steps you took to muster up the energy courage stamina resilience and whatever you encountered when fighting yourself a way back to real life.
I am almost 50 and only gotten worse with maladaptive daydreaming and my discontentment with real life has gotten as problematic as you stated: social skills, isolating, hypercritical, and I try to push through but it leaves me feeling depleted for the amount of effort it takes me for what looks like/feels like very little payoff (if any).
So ... Staying on this road paints a picture of a bitter old lonely cat woman I am determined NOT to become, on the other hand, HOW?? I find the reality of daily life so incredibly not fulfilling, it feels like doing time.
Looking forward to all your future video's on this topic!
✌️
Seriously I could use an entire course on fighting against this instead of letting it win nearly every day
A part two would be really good. Until then, might I suggest exercise as a starting point? Any exercise that you might like, whether alone or in a group: long walks, running, swimming, whatever. The important thing is not which exercise, but that you like it enough to do it. My exercise is also self-defense: Jujutsu. I was 48 when I started and am now 62 and am still at it - so don't tell yourself you're too old. And if you don't feel like it on some particular day, tell yourself "just 5 minutes". If after 5 minutes you don't want to continue, then don't. But often it is like snacking: a little bit and suddenly you want more.
@@wh44 Great way to put it, exercise is wonderful. Starting small & giving 1% is always better than nothing, even if you gave more yesterday. It’s all about not falling back to 0% for a consistent period. You have a good mindset friend, keep it up
@@wh44 Thank you for your comment, funny thing is I always advise exercising to people who feel low, and like life is passing them by with them being more like an onlooker than a participant.
The thing is, I already exercise most days of the week, HIIT and training for a half marathon and taking cold showers (Wim Hof method) and the list goes on of all the things I do to "heal".
THAT is what I meant with little pay off for so much effort. All my resources are going towards "healing"/ "getting a life", but as I said, feels like doing time and does not make me feel anymore connected / feel a sense of community (you can work out together for years but you don't get quality one on one bond building, this goes for any group activity really, it helps with a certain type of loneliness, but not the existential type)
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@@evadebruijn If your exercise feels like a burden, try something else. The best exercise in the world won't help if it drains your motivation so that you stop. If you want to socialize in your sport and you're not getting that, then try a sport where you can socialize. Half my social circle is now "Jiukas" (Jujutsu practitioners).
If you do want to try a martial art or similar, ask if you can observe or even try out before joining - if you cannot, that's a red flag. If it's all young men, that's also a red flag: such groups tend to be more competitive, less social, and less helpful. Be sure the trainer treats everyone with respect.
Yes I made the realization this year that I needed to stop living on the internet. I feel the difference, but it’s not fun working on social skills. I dread events
What about when you've spent your entire life (50+ years) trying to build a good life for yourself only to have it elude you forever? I can see where this would be helpful for a young person, but what about when you are nearing retirement age and still have not been able to build the life that you want? Spending time devoted to a fantasy might truly be all you will ever have. I know another person who is also in their late 50's who is in the same boat as I am, and we both say that we don't know what we would do without our fantasies, because we have spent our whole lives struggling and suffering only to have our lives get worse, not better, and now it's too late to do anything but enjoy what little time we have left the best way we can. We are also both autistic, and autistic people spend a lot of their time in fantasy worlds because we can barely survive in this world. In this case, I think it really is a survival mechanism.
Maybe you are lucky you have creativity. It’s not too late to create something different…
Same age, can relate. Do what you gotta do, you’ve earned it. It’s not true that if you work hard, success will come. It’s ok, you can just enjoy the here and now when you can, you know how to cooe and do the hard yards, no need for any more practice at that! Take care, look after yourself and your mates. You’re not alone with this. Young people have no way of understanding how hope can be eroded over decades.
Find a good therapist and work on building a better life. You're only 50, you could still live for decades longer.
In my opinion, if one can manage it well, fantasy doesn't just make life more bearable, but also more functional. I'm sure it has helped you going thru things and you've made it this far, I'd say celebrate it ❤ Sorry that not everything worked out as well as you want to, but hey, you've done your best and survived! And I totally can respect that. Don't mind other people.
@@jenniferroy6288 I've lost my ability to be creative due to autistic burnout, perimenopause, depression, anxiety. I was never able to make much money off it anyway, even when I did have it.
Oh my goodness. I've had a fantasy world in my head since I was a child. I spend a lot of my time in it because the real world is too much, I can not cope with it, it's too toxic and brutal. It's the only way I can survive
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"
Earlier this year I began to crawl my way out of the fantasy hole after 23 years of dissociating and daydreaming. I have lived much of my life as if I were watching it as a movie. Beginning to leave this coping mechanism behind has been very painful, but I'm glad to hear that it may be worth the effort. Thank you!
Thank you for this video! I had a terrible childhood, where I felt so unloved, helpless, hopeless, neglected and abused. The pains were too great for my child brain, that it did find a brilliant and least self-destructive way to survive: fantasy escapism(books, movies and video games). Thanks to my coping mechanism, I never took drugs nor ever got involved with the criminal youths in my neighborhood. But that same mechanism is now so maladaptive, because I'm an adult with much more responsibilities. I can't afford to neglect my real life. You are right about every points. Yes I do feel more depressed whenever I've been too long in my fantasy, and having to get back to real life.
Love your contents, sir!
If not for my fantasy (or fantasies), I'd have nothing. Nothing. I'm getting old, and I found myself going to fantasies more and more the older I got. Reality has always hurt too much.
I constantly live in a fantasy daydream world due to emotional abuse.. it’s the only time I can relax and find some sort of calmness, the world is an awful place x
Anyone else feel like social media perpetuates these fantasy worlds?
Social Media really makes us lose grip on reality, and want to escape the life right in front of us. All the comparisons, expectations, and overloads of information we absorb bring us father and farther away. Gotta get back to reality.
Social media is seriously a curse on humanity.
Especially when every available legal option to keep us engaged is put to use and we get to live in parallel realities where the us and them do not talk to each other anymore but only talk about eachother which can't ever lead to a constructive outcome when there's issues.
Maybe the next war should not be on drugs but on everything that messes with our brains and nervous systems especially the dopamin reward system.
Take the power back!
Great moment to log off UA-cam and go do something else 👍😄🙏
what is reality to you?
Thank you.
Fantasy world is a great comfort zone.... Thats why we return to it, to feel safe.
Most creative people are prone to having fantasy. But I think the best/ most cathartic works of fiction have a maturity and immersiveness that comes from real experience. If anything, it is the interest in and love of other people that craft meaningful characters. I really urge fellow artists out there to just go out even if it might be painful sometimes, because growth is beautiful.
Oh wow this is an excellent and relevant topic thank you for discussing it! I had been completely entrenched in fantasy worlds or 'maladaptive daydreaming' since I was a child. Back then it was either being a 'saviour' and happy place to disappear to and have an amazing vibrant different life - OR - I'd take myself to an AWFUL and not-positive fantasy world situaion. I believe because my depression and pain had no outlet and I didn't understand it in my real life, so I needed something upsetting to happen to validate my feelings. BUT now in my 40s this lifetime of escapisim has been unbelievably DAMAGING to me - as now I am trying to heal from a lot of things and stop doing this my real life can feel raw, brittle and just wrong. It's been a long journey to leave this behind.
Really reassuring to read something I could have almost written myself.
My daydreams have gotten less since I‘ve started therapy, but lately I‘ve disappeared into characters that are sick and need rest. Guess who might need a little more rest 👀…
Yep, I’m fully with you guys… how do you even begin leaving this self - made rabbit hole? 😢
This happens with regular people too. Even if you don't have a fantasy world in your head, going into a conversation or a situation expecting it to go exactly how you imagined it will only lead to disappointment. Who hasn't experienced that?
In your example, your “expectation” is the fantasy world.
I kinda unintentionally did cut most of that (much less time with games, anime, books) out for the last 2.5 years and focused more on my life at work, but what that lead me to was 2 years of misery, depression, and maybe developing/discovering BPD. I've hit my limit now and resolved to stop attempting to feel better there, distance myself and just drown myself in games/books.
I found that all of those law of attraction/assumption/manifestation related beliefs and behaviors contribute in exacerbating this problem when at the end of the day as you mentioned it's about not reinforcing the cognitive deficit already in place.
Hi!! I'm a 25 year-old Japanese woman.
One of the mental struggles that I've been wanting to overcome is daydreaming.
But it's so hard not to daydream and I keep doing it on a regular basis. Probably because I'm getting something out of it.
I would appreciate it if you could talk about the cause of daydreaming and how to overcome it.
Anyway, Thank you so much for talking about this!!
I'm no licensed specialist, but I can share my experiences and understanding hoping you find them helpful.
In general terms, (as I see it) daydreaming is a maladaptation of the conscience to a stress of some kind with which you can't deal at the moment. I can't guess what the stress or stresses might've been for you, but it can be something you either deeply dislike about your life, or something you'd want to change, or maybe an experience you wish you haven't had. You can try to pinpoint the cause of daydreaming through any mindfulness exercises, for example meditation. You can also visit a mental health specialist all by yourself or in a group. I bet you have at least a general idea of what's wrong, so try exploring it.
Overcoming can be started right now. You only need professional help to finish it, not to begin (at least unless it worsens to an emergency, which to my understanding is not the case). Try doing sports, hobbies, socializing, doing something new, learning new habits. This is all possible starting this moment and it's always useful whether you know the reasons of your daydreaming or not.
@@divinespark4987 Thank you so much for your reply.
I really appreciate it.
Are you an artist ? Daydreaming isn’t always a bad thing. Creative people daydream.
This is what he’s talking about right now. He calls it living in a fantasy world but part of that is day dreaming.
Could also be a symptom of "inattentive-type ADHD". It's one of the disorders he mentions at the beginning. It's also the prevalent form of ADHD diagnosed in women.
I think some incarcerated people develop fantasy worlds and share some of it with a loved one on the outside, as a way to survive doing the time together. Finding a way back to reality might be a huge factor in reducing recidivism. If you developed a structured way to "get back to reality" and this was made into an intervention and studied, it could make a difference for many people who have been given up on.
I can relate this, I've become addicted to maladaptive daydreaming/making my own fantasy world for a long time now. I sturggle to find the energy to most things, even the ones I enjoy, and I have a fear of faliure that's only gotten stronger over the years. My mind wante to create a fantasy world where I could never lose and where I could be everything I thought I couldn't be since I felt it was my only choice.
I'm 70, spend most of my time in a near-fantasy world and I love it. I function and thrive as well as anyone. I rise to occasions and real-life situations as they happen and accept my responsibilities. I have very good self-care, longtime friends, a happy marriage, and enjoy my post-retirement parttime job. I'm an artist and writer and being in a fantasy world has made me better at both. I have the advantage of AGE in a world that is crumbling and beyond repair. What's more delusional than fantasy is to carry on with magical thinking or hope that the world will reverse its course. It will never happen.
I’ve never heard anyone talk about this, nor did I realize it was so wide spread. Thank you for the insight.
This video describes my current situation exactly. I waked up from my fantasy world not so long ago. Now the real world seems so scary.
As someone who's battled for years with nearly destroying my life through escapism and gaming (especially MMOs), I thank you for this. It's given me a lot to think about as I work to rebuild a real life again. It has become so common, sadly. I'd love to see a part two! A huge thank you goes out to you for putting out such relatable content!
Don't you think that spending a time in a fantasy world might be a psychological necessity, especially when your present life is too hard to bear, and it is much beyond your power to change it, at least for the time being? Of course, we always run the risk of addiction. But it is a necessary relief before coming back to reality.
But is is truly a relief?
If it enhances your reality, then yes, like coming home from a vacation all refreshed, battery charged.
But if it is to escape reality, and coming home is extra unpleasant because of that stark contrast with that paradise like feel on that remote island, then more time spent on that island will not help with having the home life feel less burdensome.
To create a life you do not need an escape from would be the wiser long term solution to grow out of being unhappy with where you're at.
But I totally see your point of psychological necessity, if it is chosen consciously, temporarily, while main focus stays on what IS in your power/where you have choice and the freedom to choose differently.
The thing is these things rarely are temporary, they become a habit, and habits are very hard to break so best not to cultivate them to begin with, as in an prevention being better than cure (I would like to say this to my younger self, spending so much time depressed in bed. An ex-partner taught me how even being on the couch all day is still an important step better than staying in bed when going through a depression episode.)
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Yes 🙌 my daydreaming recharges me thru life. People say they need vacation after hard days at work 😂 well the vacation I need is inside my mind
... that's what he's talking about
Everything in moderation
@@evadebruijnI think fantasy can be a tool to make our lives better, such as creating things and pursuing art because art can be shared in the real world, and that's why the ruling classes always want to suppress the creativity of the working class. If we gave ourselves the time to create shareable different worlds, we just might fight to manifest them in reality and they wouldn't want that.
We have a society that encourages and rewards avoidance. Nobody need do anything discomforting, inconvenient or distasteful. No incentive to grow
I very much relate and also call for a part 2!!! Daydreaming heavily each day since feeling trapped during childhood emotional abuse, with much fantasy interaction. Realized my seemingly inescapable internet addiction/escapism this year is another extension of that and determined to start working to break free.
I hope you are not mad, that I am calling you by your first name, but this topic is, as you have pointed out many times over, veeeery personal, Scott. This is the third time I am watching this, while very ironically, playing a video game that I know very well of, I am addicted to. All of the painful reasons that this messes up all kinds of relationships towards self and others and the way it transforms the thinking, I can attest to.
But I have come to realize, that I not only play for the escape from overwhelm in real life, but, as I am on the way of finishing my masters, the clear-cut and easy to follow instructions of the game. I am more addicted to that than any of the character building, getting items and being good stuff. I just want to dabble around doing easy stuff where my mind can just shut off. Its not so easy for me to get in real life, because everything is linked to something hard. Reading research articles, finishing projects, writing essays, preparing presentations, what not.
And my PTSD, anxious, sometimes depressed mind, is just sooooooooooo easy to overwhelm these days. Like I am the happiest on earth when I can somewhat keep to my schedules, but when there is a single appointment or deadline or anything minor coming on top, I feel like crashing. I can feel my dysregulation running and although I am now more mindful of what role my thought patterns and things like that, have a play in this. I still have a hard time managing re-regulating.
And then there is this game. Its World of Warcraft, you probably know or heard of it. I have played it as a teenager when all of the emotional mess was happening and I have sticked to it. There were years when I could quit for months at a time and even last year I didnt play much, here and there an hour. I mean, I know its boring, I can feel it, when I play it, but my overwhelm doesnt care about it being a fun experience. I just want an alternative world where I can manage life, like you have described in your Sims example.
Objectively my life is great at the moment. I can hardly believe that I even came this far already with all the mental handicaps. And deep inside, I know that all these years, that all the dreams I had in those times, that all the things I actually wanted to do, have never been realised. Those years are kinda lost. And my brain is not able to remember right now, but I think you have mentioned this too. Like, there is so much regret and grief attached to it. I know that everyone has their own story of losing years to something, that they feel regret over. The game has also helped me out to at least escape some of the emotional pain and overwhelm and I probably wouldnt be here if there never has been a way for my brain to shut off. So I am also grateful for it.
But yeah, as I am already on it - I lastly want to mention, on how I can still handle, not wasting my whole day (like I did for years). I plan ahead, obviously. There are 3 pillars everyday that I have for myself. 1. Enough sleep/rest 2. I need my 60-90mins walk or sports 3. Nutritious food (best case, cooking). I always know when I want to go out for the walk, I always know when I want to eat and have to prepare food and when I want to go to sleep in order not to feel messed up. I also have two projects to finish until next week, so what I always do now is structure the work in many small tasks. Like, what I need to research, how much time I need to format the file at the end, how and what kind of data I wanna use, blabla. So everyday I take 2-3 tasks from the list, that take me around 1-2 hours and I always start with the easiest after breakfast, just to get myself going, having easy access to accomplishments and the feeling of "I got this, I can handle this" after midday I probably tackle the harder problems where I need more time usually, but I dont overwork - if I cant finish it - I do it the next day first. And at last in the evening, doing an easy task again. Filtering some data or copy&pasting stuff or whatever. Here and there I log in inbetween, but I always have alarms set, so that I realize, what time it is and what I still have to do.
Pffuu... thats a longass comment, I usually dont do these. 😂 Anyways - I really enjoy watching your content, Scott - if you happen to have read it until this point - could you share how you have set your time for gaming? You said you have been gradually decreasing it as well - how? Did you set alarms, timers or did you allocate a special time of the day/week for gaming, etc.?
- To
Ive spent way too long in fantasy worlds where im being atta ked and simulating fears and fights and such actually taking place in my mind causing me to always dissociate. They feel real and my body responds as such. Always robbing my of mypeace and leading to bipolar shifts. I find myseld becoming volatile. Its a defense mechanism to prepare urself for the worst as if the worst is actually literally taking place.
Dr. Scott, thanks so much for your videos. I just found your channel. I feel like you are exactly expressing what I feel at the moment. I just came back to my hometown after a long time staying abroad. In that country, I had a hard time integrating myself because the culture is really different from mine. I am a very creative and imaginative person so that I sometimes lived in a fantasy world before, but abroad I really distanced myself from everything and was all by myself for a long time because I felt I don't fit in. Now that I am back home, I often have the feeling that the real world is flawed and surreal. I am now searching for jobs and sometimes think that this is not real. I often had the feeling that I am loosing my mind abroad and now here too. I never realized that I might have built a fantasy world for myself because I am very sensitive, and the real world can hurt me severely. Maybe you can make a video on how to stay "sober" and/or how sensitive people can still survive in this world. 🙂
My X husband seems like he did this. He was always so invested in other people's stories and lives. He constantly rejected me and our kids. Nothing we ever did or were was good enough or right for him. You've given me something to think about. You've answered some part of my why question.
Movies and video games have been my big distraction and fantasy. I still have this big gapping hole in my heart and soul. I do not know how to overcome it. Depression and anxiety have stolen so much of my life that I feel so left behind. Life feels like 1 big dread of disappointment and hopelessness . I settle for unhealthy , detached friends and friends who seem to have life altering issues like fear of driving certain places and that they depend on me to do the driving to all outings while they suggest no plans or invite me to the places they do drive. The same stuff I struggles with at 24 is the same at 48--- debt, detached friends and family, lack of purpose, and loneliness with no real fun.
Co dependency
Put off watching this for weeks cause I knew it'd hit right home. And it did, but with your kindness I could hear and face it. So thank you so much
I'm absolutely mind blown about how much this video's message aligns with the past decade of my life. Kind of makes me sad that I didn't find a video like this years ago. Things have changed drastically since then but it took flipping my life upside down to accomplish it.
I feel that. Never too late to improve!
My mother literally taught me how to dissociate and escape into fantasy when I was 5yo.
Not an exaggeration, not a euphemism.
Sat my-5yo-self down and gave me detailed instructions.
It's so good to hear people talking about this because it has played such a huge part in my feelings of regret and inadequacy (and therefore my anxiety and depression) even though originally it helped me escape them. Wild stuff that needs to be handled with care and frankness, so thank you ❤️
thank you . for 😢your honesty . I've always lived to be successful, happy. and. NOW at 75, I find life can hurt . WOW. LOVE your honesty.
I’ve gone down too many rabbit holes. Finding the truth that I don’t necessarily need must be my escape. I’m barely working. Found mold in the home removed. I’m in a constant anxiety now and have a fungal infection. Can’t even barely answer the phone. Then I stress about money. Not taking care of myself, feeling stuck and burnt out. People used to be drawn to me and now I don’t even want to be around me. I know I can heal but don’t stick to what I should be doing. I want my spark back but for once I want something easy. Thank you this resonated with me.
Thank you, I've just tried connecting with friends when I tend to get lost in, say distractions. They are busy (friends) but it's a step forward I feel. Always feel enlightened whilst viewing
I fantasize too much about my future but then I do nothing to actually improve it and get what I want. The twist is that my present real life isn't even that bad. I have some things going for me but I still feel like a loser. In my fantasies I am not a loser anymore.
Your videos have incredibly helpful to me....at 62 years old. I've been battling for so long and you have a unique way of putting things in its proper perspective. This particular video has been mind blowing. Thanks so much, Dr. Scott.
THIS has impacted me and all of us who have perhaps lived under that heavy rock and we felt “alone”, yet normal to live that “way”. I, with a ton more viewers, highly suggest to continue on this topic. The last two minutes while obscure to find “methods”, it is something I am dealing with as I go thru a divorce. This comes from a true sense of feeling: the day or moments you realize imagination didn’t work SUCKS to no end. But the days/weeks after those two days have been awesome, if that is even allowed to describe by. I am NOT even close to being “me”, but reading books, exercise, saying “no”, has helped. Whatever any of us does to stop this “addiction”, I wish you all success, from my sincere side. Doctor, please I beg you kindly to consider more in depth on this topic. You are a hero by bringing this out. I feel shame I have lived that way, but to hell with that addiction. Thanks, jcd
Thank you so much! I've been doing this since I was a teen, and I'm 41, my life is a mess. I'm the cautionary tale, I feel like I'm losing grip on reality so hard that even when I try to do something to improve my actual life, I lose precious hours imagining possible outcomes.
Please help us with a second part on how to stop. I'll be doing my best to avoid daydreaming from now. Also, I'm going to stay tuned in for any resources you can give us. Thank you again. Ps. I'm starting to read your book.
Hello! Im fairly new to your content.🙋🏼♀️
I've never heard anyone talk so clearly about the fantasy world and how it keeps us from really engaging with friends, life or in particular, romantic relationships because we've conditioned ourselves to be disappointed by real people.
It helps so much hearing someone talk about it that also has experienced it, not just studied it in books. Happy New Year!🎉
Wow finally someone addressing this,,,, daydreaming is a symptom!!!
The most important video I’ve watched in a while. I lost so much in 2023 due to my living in my fantasy world. Thank you so very much❤
Dr. Scott, you are a very special man talking about vulnerable topics. Thank you .
I was asking myself why I like a certain tv show so much. It’s was because all the characters supported each other the way my family use to before key people passed away. The tv show characters had a tribe and I no longer do.
*virtual hug* ❤
I understand your trying to bring awareness to us who are in this space. Please try to focus on the solutions not the problems. Alot of us feel doom when 90% of the information is negative. It's like trying to motivate with fear. We need solutions not doom
Another video where i have realized so much..Dr Scott..your youtube channel must be such a help to so many people who would never get this quality of advice..my hero of 2023...sending love from Cornwall..England
100% right! Being disabled & homebound, the only people I interact with are paid Caregivers & doctors. I do stupid things like buy clothes with the vision that I will get better. I will go out, dressed up, looking & feeling good. Waste of time & money. It is a fantasy world, but if I smack my face - saying "No, I'm never going to go out & about." Deep & quick spiral down into depression & GRIEF.
I wonder if there is a way to spend a healthy amount of time in a fantasy world of your own creation when you’re a writer who creates fantasy worlds? I can see how it makes my life harder sometimes but without that creative expression I wouldn’t be living my life to the fullest.
I don’t think he means having a good imagination.
I've started daydreaming when I was really young (kindergarten age) and it became maladaptive a bit later cause I've been bullied a lot at school and wasn't really close to any of my family members... Had a lot of issues and have been labeled as lazy or useless, I just really needed to feel accepted and safe.
I'm stuck now, I'm 26 and I'm afraid I'm way beyond repair. Anytime I've tried not to daydream for a few days I had terrible issues like hearing my voice coming from another place, not recognising myself anymore, seeing fog in my room and feeling like a zombie...
Do I have any chance? I don't know what to do with my life anymore...
I guess even if you're just wishing that people were different than they are or the world was different than it is, would you fall into this fantasy world idea? I've never been addicted to video games, anime, or anything like that, but just being isolated and wishing things were different in relationships and the world tends to come up often.
I'm trying some of your techniques for depression/anxiety. So far, they are helpful. I made myself go to the family gathering yesterday and actually had a decent time. Thanks, Dr. Scott.🙂
This is my experience as well. Magical thinking. Wishing the world would be different, more accepting of autism and disabilities. It involves a grieving process. I almost feel like I have a complete block or resistance to fantasy world, having very little imagination and inability to visualize (aphantasia).
This is huge:
I made myself go to the family gathering and actually had a decent time
These successes need to be celebrated for the lived experience is the only sustainable incentive to stay on track, so here's to you 💪🥳👍‼️
Totally on point Dr.! Especially the part about Attention Span. Also communication skills go down the tube literally.
YES! AND - On The Flip Side - SOMETIMES The CREATIVITY Of Escaping Pain Thru "Fantasy" ALSO Draws Creates Great Art & Great Artists! Can't Wait To Read Your Book, Dr. Scott!
As an only child I have lived in my head in my fantasy world most of my life. It saved me as a child but it doesn’t serve me as an adult. Letting it go is difficult though
Dr. Eilers is so on point with my struggles in life. I just wish had his capacity and drive.
Please do a part 2. I have binged on Christmas movies and everything you said makes full sense. My husband and kids are big gamers
Does this mean you should not “dream big”? Because that’s how I have (mostly) always reached my goals. I literally have woken up, sat on my bed and said to myself “This thing I’m dreaming about for a while now, I AM pursuing this goal.” It’s literally like that - SNAP. And then I’m hellbent to reach it until I do. I’m a goat like that.
"You will own nothing and you will like it" that is our future and you think I want to escape our reality? no kidding...There are many more examples I could include but that is the most representative of the bunch. I escape to cope with what will come.
So helpful!!!! Thank you sooooo much for your presence and sharing this!!!!! I love the analogy to getting sober and living in real time confronting things head on...so hard and your sharing your journey is encouraging!
Great research right here. This is such an important topic that completely gets ignored. I'm just amazed you didn't specifically mention adult content. That's a huuge issue with modern relationships. It's so very sad.
That surprised me too.
Living with a person who has done this for more than a decade now. It mimics addiction, and it has also been paired off and on with substance abuse. The cognitive effects and negative social consequences are the same. Like addictions, this is a relationship destroyer, although this seems more insidious when it starts as something that appears innocuous until it takes over multiple hours of the day and the person living the fantasy is emotionally bankrupt.
This explains why the movie trope of a person getting hypnotized or knocked on the head and waking up as their favorite hero or fictional character are my favorites. Somewhere between age 3 and 7, I decided 'these are definitely NOT my parents', and perhaps I wasn't from the area where I lived, and that I was WAY different and sometimes invisible...and yes, it went into I'm possibly not from this time period, or planet - or maybe I was a lab experiment that got away, as I headed into my teens. That topped off with my parents raising me in a rather unpopular cult, as the cherry on top - so, not only am I different, now I get to be openly disliked for that. I'm 59, dumped the cult some years back, and still don't fit in anywhere somehow. Either, I'm not 'free willy' enough, or I need to be in someone else's religion. I recently listened to a podcast about possessing 'quirks' and embracing them, and seeing who shows up. Giving it a go...I live in a relatively small community so it's not surprising to me that I live in a 'nest' of people who are desperately uncomfortable not 'belonging' to a 'family line' [that 'founded' this area in the 1800s], a religion, a local group, 'friends' who all do the same thing [which around here involves drugs and/or alcohol at some point in time/if not all the time]. In 2021 at my dad's funeral, none of the cult attended - but his old buddies and family before the cult came, and here's the flea they put in my ear..."God, your dad and I had some times [aka drinking and sleeping around]! Then he went and joined that damn religion! " [which didn't stop dad any from 'having some times' with his friends on the sly]. Alrighty then! And thank you for 'barfing' your beef with him, on me. Same with his relatives...before it was all over somebody had decided that my mom had done him in. If anyone feels warm fuzzies for these people, they live at the tippy top of Northern California - you can't miss them - it's like they're all inbred. But I'm the weirdo. Just remember that.
I don't mind flawed human beings - I mind toxic flawed human beings. I happen to be a really good listener, and people tend to tell me everything - and because I'm listening and holding space for them to 'get somewhere in their thoughts', they assume I'm agreeing with everything they're saying. And I don't. I'm not their therapist, I'm their dumping ground. When I share, they are either floored, can't hear it, or start fixing me. Long story long, I need a lot of recovery time, all the time.
interesting take on ADD (again, i feel like you´re talkig about me...). Would love to hear more from you concerning ADD/Autism/Neurodiversity and how it may relates to depession. Other than that, I can´t put into words how lucky I feel to have found your channel.
I think it’s fitting yet bittersweet that I watched this in the first week after the loss of my (toxic) mother. I've been a mental escapist for the majority of my almost 52 years. It’s going to be tough to build a healthy mental state and happy single life, but I both want to... and need to. This was one more very big truth bomb added to the arguments why it's so important that I do.
Thank you for not shying away from difficult and painful truth. You are like few other counselors out there because you understand from personal experience what it’s like to be at unhealthy, absolute rock bottom.
Wow you cover most things people don’t so glad you’re sharing your insights. I know what disassociation feels like.
As per the other comments, this absolutely needs a pt.2. This is the most underrated subject on youtube mental health.
Just at the beginning of the video - yes, it makes sense that the very thing helping can turn into the problem. I guess it’s the same as as coping mechanism in childhood that are problems in adulthood. Really glad Dr. S is addressing this. Thank you.
How do you know my brain soooo well?!?! I’ve never heard another person understand my inner world so well without even knowing me.
I’m not religious but growing up my mom would take us to church. I remember that she found a priest that would give his Sunday sermon (I that’s what they are called) and she said that she felt that it always had a message about how to deal with something she was going through that week. That’s how I feel about your videos. I’ll be ruminating about something and then I’ll check UA-cam and there you are with a video that addresses exactly what I’m going through.
I’ll always comment this, please keep going and making videos. I literally don’t comment on any videos ever. But I feel like this is the least I can do. You are saving lives.
Love your videos! I appreciate your brutally honest approach! You have helped me so much!
Dr. Scott: and thats how spending time in fantasy world is bad for you.
Me: oh yeah, I'll consider it when I'll be thinking about my fantasy world.
Me to me: WAIT.
Me: oh yeah, I have a character who spend a lot of time in fantasy worlds. I can use info from this video to develop them...
Me to me: hey, we're trying to stop that!
Me: yeah, this character will be funny to think about.
Really, I'm so invested in my fantasy and so used to seek for writing advices and ideas, that I was thinking about my fantasy story while watching a video about why I shouldn't spend too much time doing that. And it even took me some time to realise that.
I expirience almost all costs of escaping to fantasy listed in the video. And I myself was thinking about stopping thinking about my fantasy story for a while until my own life becomes better. After watchin the video I'm sure that's what I should do. Though I'm sure I'll return to my story at some point, I just love it to much to abandon it completely.
Scott put real great point that people go to fantasy don't get into relationship hard things... Feel uncomfortable running away
One thing I've learned from all of my addictive/fantasy tendencies (gaming, masturbation, music, weed, sugar, Islam which I'll get to, shopping) is that they can also involve some engagement in reality; in friendships and social situations (i.e. peer pressure), also in volunteering. Another thing can be that a new addiction serves as a sequel to an old addiction, meaning that the main reason the person can't kick the habit is not because he fears withdrawal, but relapse into the old addiction (e.g. Methadone replacing heroin). Speaking of friendships; that's very often the greatest cost if you kick the habit, hence you keep going. I think many people know these days how dreadful loneliness can be.
As much as games can be addictive, I have to believe that had it not been for games, many people would've instead turned to drugs/alcohol, suicide, crime (in real life as opposed to in many games, e.g. for excitement/adventure). Thus it ain't really the games' fault. One thing that's never brought up by therapist circles, but I think should be, is how car dependency has impacted North America: Lack of daily movement, obesity, less daily exposure to people (due to lack of public transport and walking/biking), car costs, pollution and climate change (hurricane Katrina, wildfires), bigger roads and parking lots, less room for nature and useful facilities etc. It's hard not to believe that's caused some additional depression in many lives.
Being from Sweden; I've been very exempt from all that, except for climate change to a degree. After having compared all of my tendencies after listening to this, I have to say nothing comes anywhere close to Islam. Why? Well, this could apply to any religion, but Islam is what happened to me. It all started with peer pressure in 2015 and seemed harmless. I'd been thinking about Islam for many years prior without knowing much. Turned out I knew nothing before, cause now my whole life turned upside down never to be the same again.
Like any religion, I couldn't question my new-found faith nor leave. It became all about heaven or hell; this life didn't matter, it's just a test. The only thing that matters is following the religion correctly regardless of consequences. At first I wasn't trying to escape anything, but now I had to simply not go to hell. And this was pushed steadily by scholars; I wasn't just living in my own head. I saw my life fall apart and I desperately wanted to go back again and pull it together, but Islam wouldn't allow me.
Eventually my own body wouldn't allow me to continue with Islam fully. It came just in time in 2020. Now I had debilitating chronic fatigue for the years to come, once again hooked on games and masturbation like when I was a teenager. At first it was all "Qadr Allah" (God's plan), but realizing gradually that Islam had caused all this (masturbation is haram btw, but I've never used porn for it), I left in September 2022 and never looked back. I automatically lost interest in games in late 2021 already and I've cut down on MB just recently.
The thing about Islam is that I firmly believed I was engaging in reality. During those years I hardly ever gamed much less MB'd. Only recently I've realized Islam was all a fantasy, an addiction in fact. Gaming and MB made me in fact get back to reality in the given circumstance, sharing those interests with many others online, eventually wanting to be more outdoors around strangers and crowds. It taught me stuff I'd otherwise never learned, and thus I can apply that to reality (let alone post this very comment) instead of just escaping it all.
You should definitely do a part 2 on the subject of fantasizing.
You are amazing. You have been through so much and you are very honest with your struggles. Life is a tough old journey. Now I just try to live one day at a time and find joy in the simple pleasures and be kind whenever I can. .......including to myself 😊 Good luck
@@lanaspencer9893 Thanks for your reply.
Thanks for this dr Scott! I created fantasy worlds as a child in an abusive household. In those my situation would also suck, but someone would be able to come and save me. I did not believe there was any way out of my real terrible situation. I still do this sometimes, and it is hard to accept that this is maladaptive even though I already know it is. I have been reducing my fantasy world time and building my real world skills but it's still so hard sometimes.
Dr Eillers, I have a question. What about people who are using meditation and spiritually for what they think is balance? Aren't they to somewhat escaping their reality, focusing into another reality? Just a question, not a judgement of anyone. Asking because my spiritually is to a large extent my strength and balance, but I also have to be very careful because I could stay in meditation all day if I didn't restrict myself. So my question is, can that be something that can cause you to have unrealistic expectations, because your spiritual world is so much better?
31, spent years of my life living a daydream, hyperfixating on fictional characters and that, even feeling emotions through them.
As I've healed Ive relied on it less and less and I tend to just daydream when I want to pass time.
It gets easier
What if you use the fantasy version of yourself as a template for your real-life behavior? I used to do tabletop roleplaying games as a teen, and I always played someone braver and more charismatic than myself. When I entered the workforce, instead of being my normal geeky self, I tried to be like my characters. I hid my awkwardness behind the veneer of my dashing illusionist-rogue, and people LIKED that version of me. Through my 20s and 30s, I got promoted time and again because people saw me as a leader, even though I knew my real self was just faking those skills. Now that I’m in my 40s, people STILL believe I’m this strong, magnetic person, when I know I’m still that introverted, weird little girl rolling dice. When friends ask how I got into management YEARS before they did, I just told them I roleplayed management. I love your videos, but still feel like there’s a place in escapism that can help a person grow.
I do the same thing. I cosplay being a leader, and end up with leadership positions!
Maybe you have impostor syndrome? Because that brave version of you is still you and your skill, hope that make sense
It could be a combination of visualization and fake it till you make it. Be careful as you might end up having imposter syndrome. On the other hand, you do need to have deliberate actions to mould the person you want to be in your mind and you have already done it in moulding yourself to be a manager. You do have the potential to be a manager and visualisation helps bring that potential out. I think what Dr Scott is talking about is also living in a fantasy world, daydreaming or visualisation without taking any actions.
No offense but this has been rather revealing as to why so many in leadership are incompetent
I can see that working in corporate world, I mean each job is in a way a role to play.
But what effect does it have in private life, where playing roles only leaves us feeling like strangers to ourselves, and unseen unheard by the people around us, because we do not show up as we are but with acts/masks?
(I'm truly happy it has worked out so well for you! My experience with the most adamant 'fake it till you make it' person I know, who IMO ended up fake instead of having it made, to such an extent I chose to disengage, of course heavily colors my pov)
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This is just another super great video. I find them all useful and clear. Thanks.
“Life, as we find it, is too hard for us; it brings us too many pains, disappointments and impossible tasks. In order to bear it we cannot dispense with palliative measures... There are perhaps three such measures: powerful deflections, which cause us to make light of our misery; substitutive satisfactions, which diminish it; and intoxicating substances, which make us insensible to it.” (Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents).
My parents were so demented that they kept us shut away from the world our entire childhood. We could not have friends or contact with people outside of our house. I felt so trapped I could not wait to get out. While I was stuck in that house I would read a lot, it would take me away to another world. As soon as I could I left and started living my life, I loved it.
Yep, really needed to hear this. Finally I am sensing on an emotional "knowing" level the truths you shared here. Thank you, I really needed someone to speak this in the way you did. An optimistic dread about how to untrain myself out of this way of living is calmly clear, the vulnerability required to do the work is quite intimidating, leting go of the comfort my fantasys that brings me will require so much courage to set these mental boundaries that will have to be set is going to be the challengelege of my life. Thank you for helping me see me see
i am so glad for videos like this- and yes relatable -
the moment in 2022 i clearly remember was - no matter how much perfect my imagination would be - it will never give me that memory and experience of life itself that a real moment does -
slowly the way my entire brain was working , it understood and went 180 degrees-
It was a collective insight from personal experience, lot of guidance and stories through videos and doctors and reminiscing old good memories and seeing how imperfect they were yet good
#7stepsToMentalHealth
Thank you so much for all your videos and the personal experience you share.
Sounds like your wife is a wonderful person as well btw
Hello Scott. Wow!! This video really hit hard. But I am glad it did. I am not a gamer, at all. But I spend too much time on
Facebook, UA-cam etc. What you said about ADHD was also scary for me because my daughter and granddaughter are ADHD. They both spend way too much time on games. Thank you for shining a bright light on this subject.
I look forward to every video you post. It helps me so much! I pursue unrealistic goals. I daydream, I make up daydreams in my head that make me happy, and then I have to hit Reality. I am an artist (amateur), I keep dreaming I will get better, but no matter how much I try, it is grueling, which makes me want to QUIT.
Great topic that is seldom discussed. I used to have bipolar and one of the symptoms is having grandiose fantasies and having out of proportion confidence and optimism from those fantasies. Now I look at life as a single player game. Everything from work to relationships is a game. Those fantasies in my mind have turned into sort of fantasy games. I choose my games and I play to win.
Nobody "used to have" bipolar. There's no cure. If you have bipolar, it doesn't go away. You might be less symptomatic now but you still have bipolar. IF you were correctly diagnosed by a psychiatrist or a very good therapist.
Thank you for having started and still maintaining your side gag.
I do this though thankfully nowadays it's a lot less prevalent. The thing about these fantasies is that they're not difficult to take to a different direction. let me explain.
I was never allowed to express emotions or opinions as a kid so I the only way I could deal with my emotions was through fantasy. The most common type was that I played a sort of monster or otherwise outcast person (usually the descendant of some evil race) and I would be rejected hurt or mortally wounded one way or another. Another was me trying to befriend a person I admired at the time (once again, from an underdog position).
In either of these, the goal for me as a character was to be saved by another character or to successfully befriend the person I wanted to befriend, but for the longest time I never let myself get to that point. What I told myself was that anything I would think of would be unrealistic, but in reality people liking me was just so out of my frame of reference that my brain bluescreened trying to imaginine a happy ending for me. Make of that what you will.
The twist is that no matter how unrealistic it seemed, I started giving myself a happy ending anyways. Compared to the initial fantasies, these took minutes instead of hours and calmed me down a lot faster so I can almost immediately resume my business in the real world.
As it turns out this is how I was able to connect to my wounded inner child. By giving them someone that would save/befriend/comfort/heal them, who is, of course, also played by me.
My case isn't as severe as many of the examples you gave, but I do relate to this. I'm mostly "sober" at the moment, but I don't know how long that will last. I have depression, anxiety, and ADHD, so it's kind of a miracle that I've been able to connect myself to reality as much as I have. One symptom of ADHD that makes it really difficult is hyperfixation. I get SO invested in whatever interest it is, that I spend hours and hours and hours engaging with it if I don't make a very conscious and strict decision to limit myself.
I feel even more disconnected from the people in my life than usual because almost no one will ever understand why I care so much about it. It's already extremely difficult for me to keep up with daily responsibilities because of executive dysfunction, but when they become even *less* stimulating for me, it's practically impossible. At the peaks of my hyperfixations, I have experienced some mild derealization and depersonalization, but that's usually when my perfectionism and anxiety kick in and I shame myself into fixing it. It's a relief to know I have a line that's very hard to cross and I won't stay in that state for an overly long time. But it's scary to think about the fact that I will likely always be inclined towards escapism. I feel like if I'm not careful enough, I could relapse into this maladaptive daydreaming at any moment. Good times, good times