Nice talk! The victim seems to be in a state of confusion and is constantly trying to make sense of everything while the perpetrator is cool as a cucumber.
The perpetrator is not always cool..they can go into a rage over something said that was never intended to cause WW3! Playing the victim..last time I refused to buy into it cos I could see what's going on but I still felt guilty..like it's MY FAULT! My fault that someone can't control themselves..cant relate on an equal footing. I just wish I'd realised earlier but being in another city for awhile helped me keep my sanity. Narcissists are very unhealed people. Unfortunately, I'm not sure they want healing!
Jools Pools True! I guess I was making my statement from the standpoint of someone from the outside looking in. I was borrowing from C.S. Lewis when he said, “A good person recognizes when they’re bad. A moderately good person only recognizes some of their badness. A thoroughly bad person thinks they’re ok. From a personal point of view, the victims will most likely find themselves falling into an existential crises and deep confusion, but the perpetrators will most likely think, or won’t think, anything is wrong.
My ex best friend of almost 30 years was always the victim and wouldn’t ever take responsibility for herself. Look out for people who make you feel responsible for their sanity and put a lot of pressure on you with a lot of ‘I don’t know what I would do without you’ talk. But then when you’re having a difficult time they aren’t there for you.
Exactly! When they go on and on about that right before they try to manipulate you to be responsible for them that’s when you know they’re playing the victim and using you. It was just love-bombing. Just to be clear I think it’s okay to have allies in life where there is a mutual support out of love and understanding. My cousin and I have kept each other sane during the recent years of both of us going No Contact with manipulative and abusive family members. We tell each other that when family shit hits the fan and I truly wouldn’t be where I am right now without her. The difference is this relationship is mutually supportive and loving and neither of us are using or manipulating the other to take the responsibility of our own lives. We encourage each other’s empowerment and healing.
littlemiss geeke Recently realized this with my female best friend for over 30 years too..I was always there to cheer her on during her depression and her other anxieties but I could never disagree with her because I would be attacked and made to think that I got it all wrong. Everything had to be her way and her decision. Plus she love bombed me constantly too. I’ve gone no contact and feel relieved from the pressure of her friendship
@@kathyindependent2728 I didn’t know you had replied Kathy! Apologies for the year late reply! I never had a notification. I hope you’re doing well and still in no contact. Much love 💕
I agree what you write. Knowing what I know now it wouldn't have happened to me, a relationship with a covert narcissist person. Then I would have seen the red flags and signs and I would have get out before all hell would gone loose. I am happy that I have my life back. My ex will probably have a new supply but I don't care. I only feel sorry for her two young children. They have to deal day in day out with all the bad examples by their mother. They don't deserve that.
I had wished I knew of this prior to high school or sooner. 42 yrs too late!! Had I of known, I would of avoided getting married to Mr.x-1 & Mr.x2!! I learned of it 3 yrs ago, left Mr.x2 2yrs ago. It took me a year to figure out all those people surrounded by me, who the narc's were: I finally, figured Mr.x out near the end!!
My mother would set me up behind my back with her backstabbing, and then introduce me to the people she had just betrayed me with. When they treated me badly, she would always have a coy smirk on her face as if she had just accomplished something great.
@@SilverGirl-925 My dear, I used to see the dirty look on these people's faces and think, why do they hate me. However, she bad-mouthed about me and those people hate me and I can see the hatred and disgust in their eyes. Heart wrenching. Includes a family friend who loved me dearly as a child and few of my teachers from my school. I just can't take it my dear. I am sorry it happened to you too. There is a way out. And the only way is no contact. I am turning 38 soon but I will do it sooner or later.
I have nightmares about what she may have said to them. To this day, I can only guess. And yes--a lot of these people were family friends who used to think the world of me. You're still young and can have a bright future filled with people who will see you for who you really are, and will love you.
I educated myself to the point I understood narcissism to its fullest, now in retrospect I think it was self protection and extremely necessary. It’s like I woke up one morning and the obsession of the nightmare of narcissistic abuse was gone through educating myself if this make any sense. I can honestly say I’m almost healed. Thank you!
A Jones Narcissism is nothing but people who are suffering in their life which they cover up with ego and want status in life to be happy instead of healing themselves but they are human.These type of people are becoming more and more these days because they dont know the true purpose of life.Watch sadhguru videos and you'll understand where are we going wrong.You'll be healed forever and will never be unhappy in your life if you learn those lessons in life.Good luck for you future :)
+A JONES Please check out Merediths book, it will give you the steps to healing yourself. Education is a huge step and it feels very liberating but we need to put in the work to heal properly.
That's really good to know. After the last episode with my mother I thought I better read up on narcissism..hopefully it is helping me as it's helped you!
Jools Pools for me I needed to know everything possible. I read books and binged watched videos, I engaged in live chat and even joined a Facebook group. I will say this took me a good ten months to work through a lot of this. It’s like when you really understand it and how they manipulate, lies, ect. your opinion of them will change. For me the very first step was education, then it’s healing. Prayers to you!
If you are a considerate person who likes to help others less fortunate beware!!! The narcissist is looking for people who care. The narcissist is far from less fortunate. They are Wiley enough to get everything they need
Yeah, I've struggled with this. I care, and I've also dealt with a lot of the same past trauma that these people claim to have happened to them. The difference is that my body was incredibly damaged by childhood trauma but I'm determined to deal with my problems and get to a better place.
It took me almost 2 years to "figure out" that my ex-boyfriend is a covert narcissist. Something just didn't feel right- I felt uneasy, he was always down and out and I felt like he was, I remember saying, "sucking the life out of me." He didn't have any friends and depended on me for his supply and it was exhausting. Thank you for this video!!
The narcissist gathers his/her flying monkeys and plays the victim card with them. What bewilders me is how readily others believe her / him and reject the real victim in this game. They destroy families and blame it on their target. It seems impossible to fight this injustice.
Yeah. This also happened to me recently in a community of "highly spiritual" people. The narcs were a dysfunctional older couple who had a lot of money and clout in the community. At first they held me in what seemed to be esteem...as soon as I started renting a home from them, managing their vacation rental and gardening on their land that started to quickly shift. I realized what was going on after a few years and started pulling back and getting played into the drama. Then the real shit started hitting the fan. In one fell swoop (for no reason) I lost my place to live, access to the garden I'd helped create and my work. What a mess. Then they turned around and told people in the community I was a drunk and horrible person. Most of those people were the "flying monkeys" and they said things like "we always thought she (me) was secretly a bad person" and the narcs had them all convinced that they were the victims and I was the perp. Glad I have this info so that now, finally at age 60, I can figure out how to stop getting involved with people like that. Yes, I grew up with a terribly abusive narc mother and in a christian cult. So never understood why I kept attracting toxic people into my life and what was "wrong" with me. Thanks for all the great info!
Penelope Lambson Sounds a lot like my story, especially since it was my ex husband's own parents who helped him plot against me, when they know him better than anyone and yet helped him break our family apart and planned on taking my son away from me in the process, I fear for my child's wellbeing and the influence these people could have in his life since they raised his sociopath father.
Be okay with that. As the scapegoat I've learned that it's ok for others to blame me. I just don't repent. I shrug and say, I'm sorry it made you feel that way. And from there I bat away the rest of the blaming. Being raised by a covert narc who is also a Christian cultist I learned it from basically the onset of puberty. So my covert husband reacts the same way. Injury, rage, rejection. I just shrug and let him make me out ot be the bad guy. Soon it will be the "crazy ex." So be it. I know what's real, and I don't let him gaslight me anymore. All exes are "crazy exes," the important part is to be the "ex" and no longer the supply.
@@preciousgem9343 I did 30 years no contact with my father. Each and every holiday it was the same story, "you only want my money"... "no dad, I want a father: all you give is money." And uses it as blackmail to provoke negative supply. There's just no getting it right with these people.
The Narcissist or the abuser always has to play the victim card. They want to "reoffend" and they can't expect to do that unless they play the victim card. They want to convince everyone that you are the problem. Never confront, argue, reason, defend, or explain yourself because this is "reactive" behavior and it always backfires! The narcissist is going to use your reactions against you, that's why you need to learn to respond instead.
Yes I learned to do this! To apologize only for my part … even if I fell on a mine in a minefield! I recently told a major Narc ok yes you are entitled to your feelings (victimhood) but this has nothing to do with you! Lol
How you feel after you have spent time with someone is all you need to know. When you walk off do you have to question everything you just heard? Do you feel like going about doing something good with yourself or are you confused and feel down? Red flags
Yes, with my mother. We had a blow out today and she started crying and over-talking me until she finally said that she's finished. So once again, nothing is resolved and I continue to suppress my feelings of anger because she puts a wall up that won't allow me to get my point across. It's always........she's right and I'm just the person who can't let go of anything and has emotional issues. Well if issues keep getting swept under the rug, and you don't allow the person you've offended to vent in their defense, then the cycle will continue. It will fester and not go away. I seriously hate her even though she's in her late 70s because it is getting worse. I don't understand how a person can be like this, thinking that they are always right and don't cause pain to others.
I quit my job and started following my estranged husband around for his military career and taking care of his kids. We had a joint account. When I would bring up getting my own account and a job he would say that if I did that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. Eventually he kicked me out after he got caught doing unsavory things, and took all of the money, closed the accounts, and I was left with nothing. I had to go to his command to get help(which he blamed on me, saying I didn’t care about him or his career). I was so naive in my relationship. The bank account thing is great advice.
Separate accounts only really works in separate property states in the US. Community property state rules are that each spouse OWNS half of what the other spouse earns. If you inherit something, that IS separate unless you do something stupid like put it in a joint bank account and co-mingle the funds. Also everything acquired during the marriage is community property. Get a prenup. File taxes using the MFS married filing separately status. But many tax breaks are not available with that status.
Thanks for helping me put the pieces of my life back together. My ex played the victim role very well. I am a helper, therefore his manipulation worked quite well on my guilt. Everyone needed to be fixed except him.
One saying, after my divorce from a realtionship with a narc that ended in fianancial ruin, goes as follows...."I'd rather be broke than broken". I fled from abusive and it tooks years to recover my bank account but I was free. You are a genuine and beautiful human Meredith!!
Thank you. I saw this happen before my eyes and I didn't recognize what was going on. I will not spend one more second on people that do not deserve it. Thank you.
I went no contact from my narc mother almost 20 years ago. She STILL uses that to get supply (because only a terrible daughter would do such an awful thing to her mother). That’s ok, as long as I don’t have to see or speak to her ever again. My father is a neglectful narc who only interacted with me if mom told him to discipline me (he seemed to actually really enjoy hitting me, later even attempting to strangle me, it’s sick!). I never had a chance growing up. I’m 41 and am finally finding out who I am. I thank God for giving me the instinct to leave when I did. I am a sane, whole person now. “Mom” and “Dad” can go live miserably ever after without me. I choose to live in real sanity, true love and genuine happiness. P.S. I was diagnosed with a peptic ulcer at age 17. Even my body was screaming at me to get out of there! Each day I find it’s easier to breathe and I’m not nearly as on edge. I only wish that my therapists had been able to help me repair and build instead of making me feel bad about feeling better. Far too few people understand.
Staci. Gosh, I felt so touched by your comment, we have similar experiences, although I didn't leave and m y body punished me very hard.. so, congratulations for having the strength to get out!...and then, about the therapists... omg!.. the synchronicity!.. I am currently in a deep shock after being devastated by my therapist's behavior, the one that for two years I counted on to support me In my struggle to leave my narc parents and live a life even with a damaged health!... and unfortunately in my country this therapist is the best I can get... But I still find your comment inspirational and I wish u wholeheartedly good luck in your path and lots of love and happiness in your life..!! u deserve it !!...
Wow sounds like my mother I want no contact with her every after 5/22/19 dead serious your post just helped me so much where all learning but so glad I found this channel 3 days ago my mother has made me feel angry upset talking down on me and about me but plays poor me and never takes responsibility for anything...Thank you for your post I just learned aot💯💯
@@celestetheariesdorsey952 I am on the same path now........to get away from my mother and not have any contact. She is similar to your mother in that she always plays the victim, thinks she's right and gets mad at my angry reaction to whatever pain she caused in the first place. I always end up not being able to convey my feelings because she shuts down the issue. Time will pass and It's like nothing happened. But it always happens again and again. She did this to her mom and dad, in my presence when I was younger and to my dad also. But tell her this and she'll start screaming and burst out crying saying "I don't know what you're talking about. All I do is pray for people and be positive but I keep getting negativity." The same ole, same ole from her. Unfortunately, I live with her and keep getting obstacles in my way when I'm about to move out. Either I've gotten laid off, had construction stop on the neighborhood my house was supposed to be built in because of drainage issues or other things. Now I'm stuck biting my tongue or having chest pains from holding stuff in. She never has and never will admit to being wrong or playing the victim.
"true healers" need to eat too, I don't see any problem you charging for your work, I do greatly appreciate your free content since I'm broke and can't afford anything right now.
These relationships start off the same way. The whole nature of narcissist relationship is never based on "YOU DO RIGHT BY ME, I DO RIGHT BY YOU" NO! The whole relationship will be one person being drained every way possible while the "victim" comes up with new problems for YOU to fix. As you are fixing one complaint they are well rested and cooking up the next one when you are done with that last one.
I respect your intelligence. I realize this is free content and I am learning from you. I would never suggest to you that you should not be charging for your professional time. It's great to give but receiving is sustaining. It is survival. Time is money. Your knowledge is worth money. You have a service you can provide and you probably worked hard to get to where you are.
I would add a question to you summery of "time is money", How much value would you attach to giving someone tools to create a better a life for themselves. To be able to escape broken people, who only suck your spirit with intentions to destroy you. I would say that is priceless. That is sincere giving from the heart. If that's a good thing to us as people what do you think God thinks of it. Yeah, he loves it. It goes on your record. As a kind and giving, human being. Knowledge is power but is nothing without wisdom.
Points I liked: - Look for consistency bc a person can apologize later - The first stage of healing is feeling like the victim - Rescue fantasy is common in CPTSD patients
It is so difficult with covert narcs. I end up feeling like everything is my fault because I get angry about the lies. I have had predatory males in my life as partners all my life. Bad boy to savior.
After 4 months, the guy I’ve been seeing has been hinting around that we should move in together-to move in with me. He says he hates where he lives....says because of his background, he will never live in a nice place. He says he is tired of being alone. He wants a companion. I told him no, he cannot move in with me. I have a teenage daughter and told him many times before that I am not interested in living with a man I’ve only know for less than 2 years. I’ve made that very clear so many times!! He persists almost daily that we should move in together. I keep telling him no! He’s at the point where is getting very angry because he won’t get his wat. I will not give in. I broke up with him today as I have many times within the last 4 months.. He comes back love bombing......begging, texting and calling nonstop trying to get back in, to get me to feel sorry for him. He just won’t stop and I’m not giving in to his demands.
You just dodged a bullet! Good for you. :) If he tries to contact you after you´ve blocked him, do not hesistate to report him to the police if he keeps pestering you. If you feel scared in any way, please take it seriously. You and your daughter deserves much better than a man like that. Take care!
BravA Mama! For sticking to your convictions about moving in so soon- not just abt stepping over your boundaries-but for doing as much for the possible protection of your teenage daughter! I’m always shocked (!) how FAST broken people move in with one another in general or right after a separation/divorce (esp with other kids) instead of taking the actual needed time to really heal- know thy self and mend many hurts- present or from past. KUDOS! ,)
I honestly have no words to thank you, I'm 21 years old and have been badly abused all my life by my narcissistic dad and he destroyed my self-esteem and gave me pain beyond what I could describe, I literally used to fall asleep crying and through you I was able to recognize that I've been abused and have been a victim of narcissistic abuse and you have helped me heal myself by a lot and made me aware of what is going on. You have helped so much that I literally have no words to thank you. Please continue doing what you do! You are an angel! Much love to you! ❤️
Do you still communicate with him? Is that what made things better? I'm interested in knowing because my mom plays the victim and thinks she's right about everything. She causes pain but when I try to respond or defend myself, she tells me I'm the devil or I'm an instigator or something is wrong with me. My problem is that I currently live with her and every time I've been on the verge of moving out, an obstacle occurs. For example, I was about to move into a new house once and then it was halted because the neighborhood had drainage issues. I don't see how this can be resolved so maybe knowing that living apart from her, like you with your dad, can give me some hope.
I used to have a “friend”. I lent her some money. When the due time has passed, I waited a bit more like 2 weeks more and decided to remind her about it. She blamed me for reminding her so late, coz now she needed money for her trip and couldn’t I see how not on time my reminder was. I stopped all the communication with her but realising just now who this person is. Thank you for your videos Meredith 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
My ex-wife did and still does play the victim. I "took care of her" for 23 years and then was discarded. She spread lies about me to a lot of people. One night I had a dream where I was going from person to person trying to explain my side of the story. No one would listen or believe me. When I woke up I realized that it would be futile to go around and try to tell everyone my side of everything. This dream which I regard as a gift from God, showed me that He will defend me and that I should work on my own flaws and "let my integrity show" in the way I live my everyday life. I'm getting closer to the happy healthy relationship I've always wanted 🙂 thanks Meredith!
Fake victim seems to have no self-awareness. Everything is always someone else's fault. Real victims often have trouble coping in different ways but the fake victim doesn't seek out any help and they seem fine except for their blames shifting ways. Real victims often have CPTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, high blood pressure, etc.
I truly appreciate all the free content you provide. The narcissist in my life has financially hobbled me to keep me from leaving, and I would not be able to pay for this content when I truly need it the most.
I was wondering if you could speak to the fact that when one has been scapegoated for a long time and there have been years of character devaluation, the true victim could actually be in a place where he or she IS forced to rely on others due to the fact that the victim has been financially sabotaged and destroyed. This would play into the victim actually appearing like a "victim narcissist" and a "leech" and the narcissist appearing like the victim when nothing could be further from the truth. Most would never think this could actually happen to them. I would like to offer that it can. And it can happen to even the strongest.
New Beginnings My estranged husband got a lot of sympathy, because of my Fibromyalgia! It got a lot worse during our marriage, largely due to his bullying behaviour, and I became increasingly disabled. I don't know what stories he told them, but other people actually encouraged him to leave me, because I couldn't do everything he expected of me, so they felt sorry for him!
Excellent hang on to go from because that has absolutely been what's going on with my situation I was married for 13 years and I mean from beginning of Love bombing and buying you things and seem like the one your soulmate and then slowly through the years manipulated and abused and she slowly planted seeds to all people in our lives I was told by her family members that she was crazy and also people in the community and I could not see that because of all the love bombing I couldn't see how this person should be evil when they were so perfect but I have learned a valuable lesson one that has cost me everything everything that I've been working for the last 13 years from the property that I developed from basically a swamp is now like a Nature Park at least it was when I left since then it has been neglected and destroyed and it still takes my breath away to even speak about it and I was so mentally it got to where I couldn't keep a job because stress I was under at home 24/7 I started working where she was working and basically put the nail in the coffin cuz I got to a Breaking Point and was able the most part not feed into her constant chaos that she will create and she would use it to try to get sympathy for me and I was able to realize after 12 years what was really going on. I found out that she was telling people at work place I was doing all this crazy stuff and you said to her and was on drugs and therefore I work in a female dominant environment and I was literally ganged up on from every direction... we work at a hospital and it was worse than high school ever the way people treated me daily rumors and lies spread around like wild fire. Now I don't know if any of you ever been ganged up on by a certain group of empowered people but it is unexplainable
I understand how you are feeling as I am going through the same thing , while my neighbours ignore me my husband continues to acknowledge them !! I asked him , how could you speak to them when I explained what they were like with me & he replied that they hadn't done anything wrong to him :O & this is just the tip of the iceberg !! Believe in yourself James , believe that you are a good person , get yourself out of your environment!! I wish you courage , as I myself need everyday with neighbours & work colleagues :/
New Beginnings, It happened to me! I am still in the victim stage from this. But at least I am no longer blaming myself for where I am and what I am forced to do.
New Beginnings this happened to me. I’m now starting to become strong again after a narcissist started a smear campaign on me (I believe it started at my workplace) and sent their flying monkeys that were in the community after me. At first I thought it was something called gangstalking but now I’m starting to see it for what it truly is which is a narcissistic smear campaign. I stopped working because the flying monkeys would mob me at work every time I found a new job. I became homeless, broke, suicidal, attempted suicide because of the bullying, and even developed an alcohol problem (of course the flying monkeys spread a false rumor that I was an alcoholic even before that). At first I tried to convince the flying monkeys but now I realize that they are roped in with the narcissist and cannot be healthy themselves if they are engaging in gossip. I also realized that I would get more and more roped into the drama when I tried convincing them that nothing they heard about me through the smear campaign was true. I also believe my narcissist siblings and parents also sent some of their flying monkeys my way. For a very long time I was in a fog from the smear campaign and began to believe that all people were narcissists and that that was just how the world worked and even started to develop those behaviors myself (while still feeling that there was something inherently wrong about it all) Now that I am coming out of the fog I realize that I was in a state of hyper vigilance at the time as a result of the abuse (cptsd). Since it is very difficult to avoid flying monkeys and go completely no contact if they are all over the community and constantly stalking you, I began using the grey rock method and now the abuse is beginning to die down. I am now in school and getting my life back together slowly but surely! Now that I am seeing the other side I can see that this journey was a blessing in disguise! It has built my character and now I am SO strong! I am a survivor! I realized that I had my own inner issues that also contributed to the cycle (like trying to receive the love and attention that I never received from my parents or family members from narcissistic counterparts) and I now feel less compelled to look for love outside of myself. If you are suffering from narcissistic abuse particularly the smear campaign then keep fighting! Stay strong! Don’t give up! Keep watching these videos (I suggest every day so that you can stay on track with your healing journey but everyone’s situation is different). This is YOUR life! Take it back! Fight until you see progress because I know it’s hard and I know you may feel very very lonely but once you see that progress you will begin to see a glimpse into the world of a healthy, whole individual and that world is SO BEAUTIFUL! You can breathe SO much easier. I’m no longer a Christian but it reminds me of how Jesus would talk about the kingdom of heaven. The other side is truly the kingdom of heaven where you see everything for what it truly is and you are no longer afraid and in hiding and in total despair. This journey is long and hard but it is completely worth it when you see the person that you become. The journey itself is a wonderful thing to be on just because you get to see your progress. I believe in you. Please believe in yourself because you deserve to be happy and free! Also another thing that worked for me was using affirmations such as “I am whole and complete” “I am great at setting boundaries” and “I am free” for all of the codependents out there! Remember you are a survivor! You are still here! Much peace and blessings to all of you out there!
The difference between someone playing the victim, and someone simply expressing their situation, is that the normal person will tell how they are dealing with it, how it’s their issue, and don’t use that issue to get away with stuff.
It’s really bizarre how people buy into there lies !! If I did this and lived this way - no one would believe me! No one believes me when I let them know who they are but people believe them it’s so bizarre !!!
I guess most people believe them because they are indeed such good actors- they dish out to the drama, the tears, the pity play, the new romance who is their "saviour" and "better half" (typically heavily promoted on social media...also to hurt their former victim) while the real victim just withdraws because they are traumatized and can't trust other people anymore.
Thank you for big hugs and another amazing and helpful vid - you are an angel 💗 This vid is so spot on ! My narc was physically abusing me ( broken ribs, nose, toes, concussions and many bruises ) one day as he was choking me I started punching and ended up giving him a black eye . Of course he played major victim even posting his black eye on Facebook and telling everyone the evil thing I did to him. He even tried to press charges but my long medical records showing abuse shut him down - I did not ever press charges on him, but thank goodness I had medical records . He did everything else you mentioned in here too - so classic . I am so glad I am away from that now and I look back and I can see what was wrong with me and why I allowed myself to be hurt over and over . I suffered terrible ptsd and anxiety but managed to get thru that with very healthy eating and being outside a lot . Im not ready for another relationship Im very happy being alone with my kids and pets . We are all glad hes gone . And vids like yours I believe SAVE LIVES because these vids helped me find the strength to let him go for good 💗 God bless us all 💗 Thank you
The thing that was crazy was I hid the abuse he did to me - never told anyone for many reasons ...hid it with make - up or make excuse for broken bones " oh im so clumsy " But the one time I fought back and gave him a black eye he went viral with it , he just loved it and played victim to the extreme . I really enjoyed it when the sheriff said he could see thru his BS and that hed seen men like him before . If i didnt have medical records that narc couldve pressed charges so document everything and get out !!
@@ChristiansPrayingTogether I'm happy for you you are out..I find it hard to believe he went on Facebook. I've never heard of such a thing..I would have thought it would have made him feel guilty because he got his black eye through physically abusing you! Can I ask out of interest why you stayed with him? I cant imagine a man breaking my bones and staying with him because I think I would be so afraid of him although I know it happens cos it happened to my friend when we were younger. She said she would never tell an abused woman to leave. Anyway, glad you are making a life for yourself! Keep it up girl!! It's so freeing not to depend on a man for your happiness isn't it I find, although you can feel lonely at times.
@@joolspools777 Looking back Jools I think I must've been nutts to stay with that kinf of terrible abuse. Before him I was married 20 years and never experienced any abuse . When I used to watch abused women Id say " get out get out " and then there I was ...my narc first slowly broke me down making me feel worthless ..then I was kinda low ...then the abuse started and I kept thinking " its my fault if only i had brought the water soon enough , got the exact right type of root beer ..." He hurt me bad for very minor mistakes like purchasing the wrong rootbeer and somehow I got into believing it was my fault ...Looking back I think whoa !! He cheated on me alot too and always said if i was a better this or better that he wouldnt have to cheat . Finally one day he called my 8 year old daughter a cunt and that was it a kinda fiery spirit came out of me its like dont you even say one word about my baby girl ...and its been over since and I realized I am Gods child too and should respect and love myself as much as I do my kids 💗 I also think there was an evil demonic presence in my ex narc that overwhelmed me . This will sound crazy but the pupils of his eyes turned like a lizard eye when he was mad . His eyes reflected a terrifying kind of evil. I felt like I was in the spiritual battle of a lifetime . I hope you are not going thru this . Thank you for your kind words and God bless you🙏💗🙏💗
I recently uncovered my close friend to be a covert narc. I tried to explain how they play the victim in every situation, and that the way they rely on people and refuse to take accountability is not okay. Well, they blamed me for the issue and said that I didn't have enough empathy and I could never understand what they were going through. When in reality... our relationship was based around my ability to endlessly and naively empathize with their BS. Thanks so much for your words and insight! I still feel so confused about it all.
His mean old ex wife was the topic of discussion for him for a long time. I felt like I was protecting him from her abuse. He said she made him broke in the divorce. Took everything he had. Then, he took everything i had. Many people believed or half heartedly believed he was the victim of an abusive selfish ex wife. It was widely known so, I had no reason to not believe it. I felt like I was raising a disabled child at times, instead of having a full grown adult partner. In fact, the picture of the poor sad clown you chose is uncanny how much it looks like my ex. The way he acted like the poor helpless boy. The sad clown. Who would have thunk that that picture of a person would turn out to be a slanderer, a thief, and a manipulative abuser.
Never get involved with the men with the sob stories... It's one thing to be divorced and over it, but a whole other thing to make yourself a victim over it and to keep playing the victim. My ex bf did that. Thank God i had my doubts and didn't marry him.
whatever it is that they are declaring or vowing with no prompting that they'll NEVER do are EXACTLY what they will do. It is a disguised taunt that they will use during lovebombing an unaware empath for their sick satisfaction. Proof that from day one it was an illusion.
They go out of their way to give excuses during the initial days for why they are emotionally upset. Those same excuses (bad ex wife, bad ex girlfriend, my father doesn't love me, my father has give property to my siblings but not to me, I've helped people and they've gone ahead but I've remained where I am) and getting triggered into being emotionally upset will keep being used over and over to get away with things, to blame shift and exert abuse. You will be accused of causing emotional upset despite "knowing" their difficult past etc. As I kept dating my ex boyfriend, his list of issues kept growing really fast, in my observations. I noticed he had emotional issues, anger issues, issues with authority, he felt he was above everyone else, including his parents and all elders, he respected and listened to no one, only his mother to an extent who had groomed and spoiled him into being a narcissist and his boss whom he considered to be more like his true father. So I kept realising this person has a lot of issues and kept feeling unsure of going ahead but part of me said let's see where it goes. Eventually he tried to exert emotional abuse on me over the phone a couple of times, thankfully we were long distance at the time. Having rejected bullying post my early childhood, I knew I'm not going to accept this. I rejected his behaviour and broke up with him. But my mistake was to continue on later when he apologized and wanted to get back together. He changed his behaviour post then. Became a bit cold and distant and was watching his own every word. He was setting me up for a big rejection cz he had felt narcissistic injury when I broke up with me. He wanted to take revenge. The only good thing is that when I got to know him better I realised he's too much of a recreational drinker and actually is alcohol dependant and I that's a deal breaker for me. Also to cause more tumult in my mind and to tear me up emotionally, I assume, he showed me a letter from his health insurance provider, cancelling his health insurance, basically saying he is uninsurable given his 3 more advanced health conditions (heart arrythmia, kidney disease stage 2 and high diabetes) which were stated on it. At the end of it I knew though I had feelings for him I could not accept such a person into my life as my significant other. And no amount of love was going to make me sacrifice all my future happiness for someone who was nearly a drunk and did not want to reverse or change anything to improve his health. But still it was after the discard and he trying to Hoover me back in a way or just trying to play with my emotions that I said a prayer, that god please show me the truth of this situation, and a post about narcs and empaths came up on Facebook that I read and discovered that he had all the traits and was a maglinant narcissist. I had once previously met a guy who also had sob stories to start with, so I didn't entirely trust this other one but he behaved very committed and ready to make a big commitment in life really soon, so yeah I got fooled there for a while. But thankfully the abuse/ bullying meted out to me by my mother and brother (with her support) and bullying by older kids when I was under 10 made me vow that I will never accept bullying in my life. That protected me. And oh I finally went on to realise more recently in a conscious way that my mother is a covert narc. Ironic that I felt happy to have avoided marrying a narcissist but have been dealing with one since birth.
The truth about that ex's past marriage and past long term relationship which I got to know towards the end of our relationship was that he had been physically and emotionally abusive towards his first wife, so much so that she had threatened suicide at some points, they got divorced after a year of marriage. Also it seemed like his long term relationship started while he was still married, and went on for 8 years but the girl didn't marry him, she left him for someone else eventually and I heard that she didn't marry him cause he was not willing to live apart from his family. And she found someone much nicer who wasn't abusive. So she got out. But of course he had vilified both these women, the ex wife as mentally unstable and that she wasn't his type (yeah the type to take abuse), and that the ex gf was a complete gold digger who had taken a lot of material things from him over the years including a high-end sports car. So anyway, these are ways in which they distort the truth about the past and try to show themselves as the unfortunate and hapless victim. And what cruel devils they themselves are. Always take it slow so that the other person has enough time to show their bad side. A normal bad side is still acceptable but a disordered bad side isn't and they should be left at that point before making any major commitment.
I got lucky in that by chance due to Facebook I got 25-30 of his extended family and friends connected to me early on. And this was something which he never wanted, cz narcs want to isolate and triangulate. Well few of those people eventually helped and revealed his secrets. Thankfully I got saved from that situation but right now my issue is to get distance from the covert N in my life.
Jumping right into another relationship is a good indicator of who the victim was and who was the narc. Not always but it's a good indicator, especially if there's a pattern of a lot of short term, intense relationships, one after another. The narc can't be alone, they have to have supply. This is how the XN wound up outing himself, if not as a narc, as toxic at least. Before no contact, the XN even told me that he didn't understand why he lost his friends. They start to recognize the pattern. They won't say anything, they'll just distance themselves. He went through at least a dozen NS before he finally got one to marry him. The victim can't imagine being in another relationship, for a looong time, most of the time. It took years for me to even consider it. Nine years out, I'm still single and one of the things I'm most thankful for is healing enough to enjoy my own company and being open to the possibility of another relationship.
The part when you say that those with cptsd are very vulnerable to rescue fantasies hit home like nothing else. Or boy do I have a story about that . Unfortunately it would take hours to tell. It's that complicated. Took me decades to realize. And still struggling from its complications.
I think the most difficult thing here is that they want you to carry with the whole responsability, like if you were the only one who were wrong and the only one who have to change something. Sometimes they even feel bothered when you talk or say something...I think if you take your time to deeply think if you have reasons to be the victim or not, then probably you are not the victim. Thanks a lot for your work, it helps a lot. Guys also suffer this patterns!
I'm recovering from years of narcissistic abuse when I realized what was happening I felt empowered and started giving the narcissist some of her own medicine then she started playing the victim, sometimes its hard to change peoples perception that the narcissist smeared you too. Your videos are awesome I'm always learning something new
Thank-you thank-you THANK-YOU for reminding people that women can be abusers too!!!!!!!!!! And thank-you for reminding people that men can be falsely accused!!!!!!!!!! I have a male AND female narcissist abusers. Great video, Meredith!!!
Thank you Merideth. I should have kept a seperate bank account as my back up plan had I only known.. But I was too naive, too trusting, and too gullible back when I met him. And after we were married, he cleverly hornswaggeled me from my job into his business venture . Before I knew it, the more I gave my efforts to the success of the business, the more he slacked off.. Decades later finally I faced the horrible reality of our empty shell of a relationship..He had all the money at that point.. I hope your viewers follow the advice to always keep their oun bank account seperate from their husbands.
I would have paid more for your courses they are the most effective work I've ever done and I'm greatful beyond measure, your free content is amazing too. You understand how the narc works and you have been with me through every step of the way and had the perfect advice and info and warnings!! I freaken love you Meredith! You have changed my life! Thankyou for your AMAZING work ❤❤
Two years with a victim narcissist- the best pity play I have ever heard...neglected and abused by his parents, treated badly by his ex, fooled by many employers- a typical parasite...and I ...the latest host ...was not able to give him enough..( although I gave him all my love, a lot of money, my trust and my strong belief in him and his talents).The hole was too big ...I could not fill it. I feel empty now- even after 1 year of no contact,, but I fight every day for my healing...the hardest thing is that I do not believe that I can ever trust again.
I love your work, Meredith. I've survived multiple toxic cluster b-type personalities: covert and overt narcs in my family, work life and some living situations where I've suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of roommates. I'm only now learning how to navigate these people when I have to deal with them, and knowing when and how to get out and sever all ties. Been following The Richard Grannon, Sam Vaknin and a few others, and that's how I came across your channel. It's really enlightening and liberating to view all these different perspectives on the subject. I really like your approach. Invariably, people that have survived this kind of abuse are the best coaches and healers because they're crawling into the pain of their past experiences to help others, and in healing others, you're healing yourself. I can tell that's what you're doing, and it's that level of sincerity and empathy I love about your work. I feel like it's my calling too
I'm so glad you addressed the entitlement issues to your time & resources. People are so envious of others for being able to create a fulfilling life for themselves while helping others. They imply that you're undeserving, when really, they have commitment issues & fail to create what they desire in life for themselves. Thanks for all you do. You are absolutely one of my favorites to listen to on this subject matter. Your time and resources are appreciated and they do matter.
Just my notes. WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO! Why do they play the victim? 1. Pity 2. Narc supply / gaslight 3. Manage their public image 4. They want something e.g your time or money 5. Transfer responsiblity How to spot: 1. Blame for no contact "you dont care" if youre busy 2. Shaming / guilt tripping 3. Entitlement 4. Love bombing before guilt tripping. To make you feel good. Then using it against you. 5. Exageranting 6. Lack of self responsiblity. 7. Blame shift and smeer campaign if you dont do what they want. 8. Pattern 9. They make issues your problem. Theres no shame in being a victim. Victim is a stage. If you try to improve you are growing. Focus on the growth! Use the anger and pain to get out of abuse. "Playing the victim" stays there. Watch out for "saviours" that you get trapped and dependant. Educate yourself!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
Meredith, in my case, the kids see their dad as the victim and me as the abuser, every time. It just baffles me and throws me into frustrating pool of crazy emotions...
It makes sense that narcs, etc. would watch these videos to finer tune their methods. So it’s no surprise that a victim narc would make comments to try and put you down or dismiss the incredible value you bring to all the rest of us.
Negative and critical people want SOMETHING for NOTHING, and will get exactly what they ask for, NOTHING from SOMETHING. People will pay for valuable information, guidance, and knowledge, because they know the importance of mental health and healing. Btw Meredith's programs, and book are VERY affordable. And all the free content is she gives us is amazing and valuable and huge time invested by Meredith 🌹
I was reacting all the time and he was always so calm in front of people but behind closed doors he would yell and be cruel and turn around on the kdis and me and be right in my face and scare the crap out of me. I had ptsd when we got married and now I have Complex ptsd and autoimmune disease now too. Horrible memory issues and I was so sick!!! My life has become a dream and amazing once u was out!!!!
I finally freed myself a year and a half ago from my narc mother and this video sums it up beautifully. I am on the road to recovery. Videos like these help heal the world.
When I tried to get closure with my mom, she claimed that having cancer gave her a "pass". She believed that anything wrong she had done in her life was cancelled out because she'd had cancer, as if it was an "penance" of some sort that gave her blanket absolution. She wasn't speaking to me when she passed away, so I never got closure, which I feel was exactly what she intended. Everyone wondered why I didn't deliver a eulogy at her funeral, and in fact didn't speak at all. I told them I was too upset. What they didn't know was that I was too upset WITH HER.
THANK YOU! Omgsh... I'm always being pushed and pushed until I can't take anymore and just go off making ME look like the crazy one. And he always does it in front of our kids.
I was in a relationship where my partner was constantly assaulting me and when I left them they played victim as if I was the bad guy for protecting myself.
I know a therapist that calls this a drama triangle. A victim comes to you for help, you try to be a savior and talk to the abuser. The abuser (NPD) plays the victim, you become the "abuser," and the original victim becomes the real abuser's "savior" figure. It is so sick. When called out, the abuser has to shift the triangle, project, gaslight, make you out as a horrible person, etc., so that they can get empathy in the "victim" role. Yes, they knock you off the pedestal that they put you on, and and drag you around, because you haven't done enough and you are really the "problem." It's like a magic trick... it's the art of of misdirection and distraction. We have to recognize the "card up their sleeve,' and not be distracted by that stuff, and NEVER jump into a drama triangle. Thanks for the work you do, Meredith. It's so important to help people heal from this monstrous behavior.
That’s crazy... “healers don’t charge” have they ever been to a dr? Hospital? Pharmacy? Hello??? I for one, totally appreciate everything I’ve heard from you & while I’m new here, I intend to investigate your optional services further. Thanks & God Bless 🙏🏻💙
Cher Brannon pharmacia is witchcraft and the Bible warns us. Drs and hospitals don’t know anything. Organic raw whole Food is real God given medicine. Perfect puzzle pieces! And if you ingest heavy metals and toxins you are playing into the scheme. You are blocking the receptors for the natural things such as iodine that the body needs. Trusting Drs and hospitals and poisoning children with vaccines so they can never meet their true potential. Then people blame God for the government created disease! The vaccine insert states adverse effects and here is section 13 “13.1 Carcinogenesis, Mutagenesis, Impairment of Fertility” Hidden knowledge that ancient people had is kept secret in the new world order to profit off of us and eliminate the evidence that God exists. wifidangers.com/
And here is a link to vaccine inserts of every vaccine. Check out the tabs at the top of the page. Such as wifi dangers. Very informative. thefullertoninformer.com/vaccine-inserts/ The man behind the website has a UA-cam channel too! “The Fullerton Informer” He Has really informed the hell out of me and made my life better. And my offspring because when I have babies they won’t be lab rats! Like most of us including myself were. Hope you find it helpful!
I usually dont comment but i would like to thank u for what u do and what u put out here for free.. with all my heart thank u so much it helped me on my journey to be aware..
Since Narcissism is along the personality disorder spectrum you do NOT have a chance to set the record straight. Just run, and I mean run away as fast as you can. Do not look back. You will turn into a pillar of salt. I am going through this with a friend right now. She falls under these categories and I will never make this right.
Thank you, Meredith. I never knew love could be used as a weapon until I learned about narcissistic abuse, and your videos really open my eyes to my own experiences. I was emotionally and financially abused for 8 years by a narcissist who I realize now has always played the victim in his own life. I'm going through divorce, had a 6-month restraining order against him and he recently showed up at my front door, ringing the doorbell at midnight after a year of no contact. He said he was homeless, and I felt sorry for him. (Pity ploy!) Now I wonder if he's blaming his homelessness on me? He stayed with me six days, and I kick myself now for being so weak because now I have to physically and emotionally go through the withdrawal process all over again. Something in me can't say no to him. But he was such a leech. He says he loves me but he just wants someone to take care of him because he refuses to take care of himself. That's not love.
Several years ago I went through a really bad breakup that we were living together and all but married. She ran all over me and when i started to stand up for myself we split up. She had drained me financially and stuck me with all the bills . She started seeing a guy right after we broke up who was a “victim/pity narc.” It took over a year just to get my head above water in the finances alone. The guy she started seeing sent me veiled threats and said things like the whole situation was my fault. I was painted as the abuser as well and I am still dealing with the trauma from that situation. The one thing I hold to is despite the garbage I went through I never compromised my integrity. That has given me the self respect to carry me on in my recovery.
As for "you should be doing this for free" the advice, help and knowledge you give is invaluable. It cannot be payed for. What they are paying for is your time. Love your videos!
Watching this video again, I omg how I wish my son could see this. We got so triangulated by my narc mom today so we ended up screaming at each other and I even burst out in tears. He¨s totally buying into her victim mentality and pity ploys. She IS sick, I´m not debating that, but she´s using it so much to manipulate him. I even ended up telling him that she´s been "Crying wolf" for so many years that when she actually drop dead it´ll come as a total surprise to me. When she´s low on supply, then she´s extremely ill, and when she´s got good supply she´s totally fine. These damn manipulative ppl... =(
My husband of 39 yrs is playing the victim since I filed for separation last month....its just so hard to believe that this person can be one person when hes around the kids ...then on the other hand he lies, cheats and who knows what else....since telling him Ive separated from him...he’s lied to his lawyer, he’s telling our doctor false things ...about me....sometimes I really believe I’m going crazy...my kids cant understand at all why I would leave ...they dont see anything ....Im trying to believe I can heal from this...are you sure a person can...or am I just doomed to be a victim...Im over 60 ...love your videos...
I'm a couple of decades younger, but you can heal! It will take years, but you will be so content. Do not go back. I reconciled so many times because I was convinced I was the problem. He brainwashed me with incorrect religious beliefs and had me convinced that I was the reason he cheated. My ex is already on wife #4. H
+Ma Sue that will be an ongoing thing. They will figure it out in due time. My biggest advice is no matter their age...do not bad mouth the other parent to your children. They will be the ones that are damaged if you put them in the middle he wins... It's so hard to keep silent and we all get fed up, but the kids' hearts break instead of the narc ex... Much love! Take it day by day. Keep informing yourself to arm yourself. Keep reaching out !
I am divorcing my husband of 41+ years. I feel like I was a frog, put in a cold pan of water, then the fire was turned on and I barely escaped before I was boiled to death. My biggest fear was his ability to manipulate and charm my kids into painting himself as the "woe is me/this is so unfair" victim. My kids are adults now and are, thankfully, able to see through much of his snake oil. (they figured it out a lot sooner than I did!). I'm just grateful to have a fair number of years left of not having to live with the stress and trauma of gaslighting, lying and pretending. Hang in there.
L GB how far into are you...i filed for separation Sept 6 and am waiting for him to agree to the process...so typical he’s dragging out every step...hoping I change my mind...no chance...but my two sons who both work for him...are angry don’t understand why Im doing it...because he’s in total denial...of anything thats happened ..hes a covert narcissist ....scary...everyone thinks hes awesome...they don’t see his lies, his cheating...
Ma Sue Separated since Nov 2017. Divorce set for Dec. He’s textbook predictable. It’s all my fault. Full tilt smear campaign. He’s also a litigator (a very good one), so he’s using every angle he can to make sure I get as little $ as possible. He’s stunned that I’m not rolling over and playing nice. If your kids are adults, you don’t have to cover for him or make excuses anymore.Just let them know that if they have questions, they can ask you & you’ll be honest. Best to stick to the facts & not editorialize when speaking with your kids. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay no contact, don’t let him try and charm you back into the illusion! You’ll get there.
I’m so grateful for all your free support, I’m in England and you have literally saved me from thinking suicide was the only route. I’m fighting and have been since my dad passed away and my health is crumbling and I’m trying to find some support or understanding here in England. But the amount it’s taking me to type this message is breaking me, im so isolated now and I can’t communicate with anyone because no one listens. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I was watching ted talks and that’s how I came across to understanding what’s going on with me and I’m not crazy. What do I do, the system here is terrible and failed my dad nearly 10 years ago and then he died while I was allowed no contact with him because my mother managed to convince the court he was a pedophile and a abuser and Iv been fighting for him and me and that’s the only thing that’s kept me going but my narcissist mother has managed to take full control of my inside and outside life and I’m 22 now. Iv always known she was the abuser physically and sexually and now I understand mentally as well as an adult and I’m getting so many flashbacks of my life. I suffer from rumination syndrome and Iv realised why I continue to detoriate. And I know my rumination with get better with the right help and feeling safe. Iv been begging my team to believe me but Iv been passed from places and people so much that things seem impossible. I never understood a narcissist until now and it feels to late but I’m hanging in there. What do I do in England..
Hi Meredith - I have an idea for a video (I have not seen anyone else on UA-cam talk about this) It relates to How Golden Children vs. Scapegoat Children deal with grief over death of narcissistic parents. * What happens when your identity is linked to another's perception(of you) and they die? * -- I am thinking about this because my covert narc mother died 5 years ago. My overt narc father is still alive and has hold of my siblings. I went no contact with my family 8 years ago (I had no idea what narcissism was then -- I only knew I did not want my parents or my siblings around my child, who is disabled). Any way, my adult siblings are floundering after our mother's death. I bounced back fairly quickly. The hardest part, for me, is letting go of hope. But I did it. I set it free with love ... and respect for myself 🦋 I find it amazing how black sheep children / scapegoat children learn, at a young age, pertinent survival skills to adapt to life's changes. I would NEVER be able to advocate for my child (the way I do) if I was a golden child. Don't get me wrong, I still deal with disassociation and work on leading an authentic/ present life daily (you taught me that). But I am grounded on being present and surrounding myself with peace and understanding ... my son deserves it and so does his mother 💖. Thank you for your videos. You are a shining example of someone who has taken lemons and turned them into lemonade.
That’s a good point. I don’t think I can speak on that until I go through it and process it with my brother or cousin. I don’t have personal insights into that topic yet and I haven’t worked with enough clients whose narc parent died to be able to get insights from their experiences too.
The off-spring whose identity is supplied/propped up by the toxic parent will struggle very hard when that parent dies. Whether the off-spring enjoys their position (golden child) or rebels against it (scapegoat) makes no difference, the point is that the child 'knows who they are' as a result of what the parent tells them they are. Once the parent is gone, usually quite far into the off-spring's life, they free-fall as there is no longer anyone there to define them. Working out the true nature of who you are when you are in your fifties or sixties, and have never had a true identity of your own....not easy.
Thank you very much for your advice. It’s difficult to separate all of the strands when you finally realise exactly what has happened to you at the hands of a narcissist. After listening to you I realise that the term PTSD is very real when you eventually understand and that healing has many stages until you finally break free. Thank you.
I have found that a lot of coverts do the "Vaguebooking" ploy to see if they can get a bite. Like fishing. Sometimes Vaguebooking is done by the abused empath also either way both are fishing for attention for whatever reason they need. So you really need to be careful when you respond to this type of fishing. Are they a victimized empath that needs someone to talk to or are they a covert that is fishing for random supply.
WOW. You are SPOT ON Meredith!!! What's amazing to me is how prevalent they are nowadays. Before 2 years ago, I hadn't a clue what a "narcissist" was. Now I have the knowledge, thanks to your channel and a few others. Sadly, I still cannot seem to wake those around me from their spiritual slumber. It is a pitiful thing to watch a family member's spiritual demise after relentless warnings to not go back. Please people, stay away from these demons at all costs. Your soul is at stake. Leave them in their misery. They CHOSE the path of death. They will NEVER admit they are wrong, and they will *ALWAYS be the victim in their mental fantasy land.*
It’s hard to wake them. You can only plant seeds and hopefully down the road at the point when they’re ready to break through, they will remember your words. If you read about the trauma bond AKA “insane loyalty” or the Stockholm Syndrome you’ll understand why it’s so hard for people to wake up to the abuse. People come to that awakening when a spontaneous inner shift takes place and the denial is pierced. Usually that’s in the form of a tough lesson.
@@InnerIntegration Amen sister. We have planted seeds. Waiting for him to awaken is the hardest, especially because I know what's coming around Thanksgiving/Christmas. I pray this time will be the moment he gets it. Another sad thing is that most do not start seeking the knowledge they need until (long) after they have put an end to the abuse, and someone usually has to tell them/help guide them to what these "people" actually are. So in a sense I am relieved that at least I know and will try my best again in love to help my BIL when the next episode of rage/pysical altercation/ and discard occurs. (Last year around Thanksgiving she took the children for 6 weeks out of state.) It was 2 days before he was scheduled to have surgery. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and empowering those who wouldn't have known otherwise.
To distingusish victim from predator it is not enough to just look at what meets the eye, because what meets the eye is amost never all there really is about the situation (or almost anything in life for that matter). So seeing person A "attacking" person B does not really say you anything about who´s ho, if you don´t know the full story (the history behind the accounter, the mindets and character of the persons in question, the power dynamic etc etc. NO MATTER WHAT STORY YOU HEAR, ALWAYS ASK YOURSELF: WHAT IS REALLY THE FULL STORY HERE. WHAT AM I NOT BEING SHOWN OR TOLD, THAT MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY JUDGEMENT ABOUT IT? If you want to find out who really is the abuser, look for mindsets and the patterns they might manifest in. Is the attack driven by desire or is it defensive? People who attack out of defense usually don´t pursue, plot, campaign or stalk and harrass and usually have rather short intense, impulsive, vaguely targeted outbursts that end as soon as the threat is gone. Of course there is also the possibility of hyperdefensive behaviour, but that still does not reach the complexity and extent of a narc´s elaborate maneuver to systematicall destroy another person´s life in every possible way. A defender while chase you off, an attacker however will chase after you and try to hunt you down, even when you try to get away. I say this, because very often the victim does respond with defensive attacks, because these are the only option available. To give a little exaggerated example: When someone sneaks into you house and tries to kill you with poison in your sleep, so as to not leave any evidence, and you catch him before he manages to do so, you probably won´t respond in kind. You would probably panic, lash out with every thing you have in every possible direction and chase the damn devil out of there like there is no tomorrow (because if you did´nt there really would not be a tomorrow for you). This might get the attention of the neighbours or even the police who did not see what was happening before you drove the damn fucker out of your house, and away from your lawn swiging a lamp and yelling at the top of your lungs.
That's an awesome point you brought out here... Domestic violence doesn't necessarily mean that the person who got physical is the narcissist.. It can be a reaction to the phycological torture their enduring from the narc. They have classes you can attend for domestic violence, people are aware that unfortunately sometimes that happens in relationships.. But they don't have classes for people like narcs because it's something deeper than just anger management.
Gosh this hit the spot once again - It has taken me YEARS to come to terms with what has happened to me; so many layers of conditioning and resulting denial to have to peel away.. your vids have been instrumental in my awareness process, thank you Meredith!
Thank you so much for your time. I am 39 and just recently discovered my father is a covert narcissist. I was made aware of this after unfortunately I regretfully was an ideal covert narcissist myself. I see all the things you say with being addicted to narcissist supply and totally identify with it. I am a meth addict in a rocky recovery and I have done every drug under the sun The feeling I get when I feel admiration from someone has a greater pull on me then any drug I have ever done. Only the feeling of IV meth can come any bit close. I have in the past stopped drugs without a second look if I had a good source of My supply. I HATE THIS PART OF ME and want it to just fucking die. I identify so much with Dr David Banner having this evil in me as he did in the TV series “the Hulk”. I feel stupid admitting this but it is how I feel. I was diagnosed with BPD after speaking to a therapist for about 3 months at whom I saw for 9 months before I relapsed and lost my insurance. I have insurance again and I am so scared to not find the best therapist for BPD because I hear a therapist can do more damage then good. This is terrifying because I already have enough thoughts of suicide that I am depending on Allen Watts and UA-cam for help. I am lost and just want to cut the part of me out that hurts before it consumes all the good that is still left after being the fool who chased his fathers love for hopefully just half and not all of my short life...
Tuc Thompson - The fact that you admit your fears and struggles makes you strong and courageous...be compassionate to yourself, be that loving father for yourself, believe in your ability to make it. Take one step at a time, one day at a time Tuc.
Me too -without the meth. BPD and some addictions. I've had a lot of bad mental "health" treatment and disability. Im now in complete social isolation - UA-cam's all I got.
mallory I was and started to socially isolate but I forced myself to be venerable. Let others know I hurt and what was going on. I was terrified to do this but I was extremely suicidal and my family just lost my cousin to suicide which was a pain I couldn’t explain with the best writers. So I was forced almost to say I’m hurting too, BAD, and to my surprise my fears of being ate alive when I was venerable it was the exact opposite. Venerability is a beautiful thing. As are you a beautiful person and never believe different...
Jackson MacKenzie brings out a new book on the numbing after narcissistic abuse and the healing the emotional core wounds by facing them. Drugging yourself is your protector, your ego, not wanting you to feel the pain, so your projection of the pain into yourself gets worse. Book is out in January.
I am so GRATEFUL for your body of work. I so often refer my clients who are healing from narcissistic abuse to your videos and books. You are on heavy rotation at my private practice! Thank Heaven for you.
Omg! so funny about the commenter shaming you for charging for your services, so ironic that they are behaving exactly as you are describing narcissists in your videos.
It was hilarious. The part I accidentally left out of the English version of this video is that his comment started with "Prostitution is legal in Mexico and maybe that has had an impact on your approach since you moved down there...."
lmao, like you changed your perspective, theories, observations and behavioral techniques because in Mexico prostitution is legal...lol...he must just be "concerned" about you?....not
not much surprises me in regards to the subject of personality disorders, etc. I have a rich history with these types, seem to attract them like a magnet on crack...funny thing is that I have worked in mental health field for decades and fellow "professionals" and "colleagues" have some of the highest incidence of narcissists and socipaths.
Meredith, I have to be honest. I felt angry that someone had the balls to try and shame you for charging. I’m so very very very grateful for all of the FREE content that you have provided. I feel that I can never repay you for helping me to find me again. You are so generous with the videos that you provide for FREE. One day soon, I will schedule a 90 minute session(s) and be more then happy to pay for it. Words cannot express how grateful I am. Thank you Thank you.
It’s playing the victim. The attacking is an aggressive way of doing that instead of the passive aggression that other types might use. I would guess that’s the same person who will tell you how much they do for you and how unappreciative you are.
My ex who is a I believe a narcissistic sociopath or a malignant narcissist either one I know he is but he's in jail right now for assaulting his new girlfriend and he has four or five or restraining orders and I was never warned but whenever a woman would take him to court or get a restraining order it was always their fault they were ruining his life. And then he would move to the next girl and abuse her and it would never end but they always play the victim even when they are overt.
First of all I wanna say huge thank you for making this video because I thought I was going crazy, doubting myself for going no contact with mother. Since moving out, at 30, she would guilt me for not contacting her more often, but then she wouldnt reply to some of my texts. At one point she was calling me everyday and I told her to stop, she acted hurt and put responsibility for how she felt on me. Worst part, after she kept doing this guilt routine, she said I hope you become a dad so that you will feel my pain. Because to her, parenting never was a joy, but a pain.
THANK YOU for talking about this! There are SO MANY PEOPLE like this! The only thing you forgot to mention is that they do this because nowadays, whoever plays the victim best, wins. Even if you have even more potential victim-cred than they do (but don't cash in on it). My Relationship with my husband is great. But it seems like outside of that, I daily meet people like what you described. I've even talked to people about it and people seem oblivious to all the manipulating and narcissism. It's really frustrating! It makes me not want to leave my house.
Nice talk! The victim seems to be in a state of confusion and is constantly trying to make sense of everything while the perpetrator is cool as a cucumber.
MrJcontrol agree
The perpetrator is not always cool..they can go into a rage over something said that was never intended to cause WW3! Playing the victim..last time I refused to buy into it cos I could see what's going on but I still felt guilty..like it's MY FAULT! My fault that someone can't control themselves..cant relate on an equal footing. I just wish I'd realised earlier but being in another city for awhile helped me keep my sanity. Narcissists are very unhealed people. Unfortunately, I'm not sure they want healing!
Jools Pools True! I guess I was making my statement from the standpoint of someone from the outside looking in. I was borrowing from C.S. Lewis when he said, “A good person recognizes when they’re bad. A moderately good person only recognizes some of their badness. A thoroughly bad person thinks they’re ok.
From a personal point of view, the victims will most likely find themselves falling into an existential crises and deep confusion, but the perpetrators will most likely think, or won’t think, anything is wrong.
Yes. Exactly!!!
Lol sooo true!
My ex best friend of almost 30 years was always the victim and wouldn’t ever take responsibility for herself. Look out for people who make you feel responsible for their sanity and put a lot of pressure on you with a lot of ‘I don’t know what I would do without you’ talk. But then when you’re having a difficult time they aren’t there for you.
Exactly! When they go on and on about that right before they try to manipulate you to be responsible for them that’s when you know they’re playing the victim and using you. It was just love-bombing. Just to be clear I think it’s okay to have allies in life where there is a mutual support out of love and understanding. My cousin and I have kept each other sane during the recent years of both of us going No Contact with manipulative and abusive family members. We tell each other that when family shit hits the fan and I truly wouldn’t be where I am right now without her. The difference is this relationship is mutually supportive and loving and neither of us are using or manipulating the other to take the responsibility of our own lives. We encourage each other’s empowerment and healing.
That’s totally how it should be Meredith. Having each other’s backs while we handle our own stuff. These people are gold ❤️😊
littlemiss geeke Recently realized this with my female best friend for over 30 years too..I was always there to cheer her on during her depression and her other anxieties but I could never disagree with her because I would be attacked and made to think that I got it all wrong. Everything had to be her way and her decision. Plus she love bombed me constantly too. I’ve gone no contact and feel relieved from the pressure of her friendship
@@kathyindependent2728 I didn’t know you had replied Kathy! Apologies for the year late reply! I never had a notification. I hope you’re doing well and still in no contact. Much love 💕
@@luciddreams5200 you’re more than welcome 💗 I’m glad it’s helped 💗
I really wish I would have watched this 3 years ago. I was uneducated about covert narcissists. They should teach this in highschool
I agree what you write. Knowing what I know now it wouldn't have happened to me, a relationship with a covert narcissist person. Then I would have seen the red flags and signs and I would have get out before all hell would gone loose.
I am happy that I have my life back. My ex will probably have a new supply but I don't care. I only feel sorry for her two young children. They have to deal day in day out with all the bad examples by their mother. They don't deserve that.
♡
I had wished I knew of this prior to high school or sooner. 42 yrs too late!! Had I of known, I would of avoided getting married to Mr.x-1 & Mr.x2!! I learned of it 3 yrs ago, left Mr.x2 2yrs ago. It took me a year to figure out all those people surrounded by me, who the narc's were: I finally, figured Mr.x out near the end!!
They really should. Young people need to be aware of these types, as they prey on them the most.
Narcs make all the rules. Why would they expose their terrible ways?
My mother plays the victim narcissist. Everyone looks at me as if I did something really wrong, like I am the abuser.
My mother would set me up behind my back with her backstabbing, and then introduce me to the people she had just betrayed me with. When they treated me badly, she would always have a coy smirk on her face as if she had just accomplished something great.
@@SilverGirl-925 My dear, I used to see the dirty look on these people's faces and think, why do they hate me. However, she bad-mouthed about me and those people hate me and I can see the hatred and disgust in their eyes. Heart wrenching. Includes a family friend who loved me dearly as a child and few of my teachers from my school. I just can't take it my dear. I am sorry it happened to you too. There is a way out. And the only way is no contact. I am turning 38 soon but I will do it sooner or later.
I have nightmares about what she may have said to them. To this day, I can only guess. And yes--a lot of these people were family friends who used to think the world of me. You're still young and can have a bright future filled with people who will see you for who you really are, and will love you.
@@SilverGirl-925 My dear, may you find your healing and all the blessings you deserve. My love and regards to you. We shall overcome. 😍
Same.
I educated myself to the point I understood narcissism to its fullest, now in retrospect I think it was self protection and extremely necessary. It’s like I woke up one morning and the obsession of the nightmare of narcissistic abuse was gone through educating myself if this make any sense. I can honestly say I’m almost healed. Thank you!
A Jones Narcissism is nothing but people who are suffering in their life which they cover up with ego and want status in life to be happy instead of healing themselves but they are human.These type of people are becoming more and more these days because they dont know the true purpose of life.Watch sadhguru videos and you'll understand where are we going wrong.You'll be healed forever and will never be unhappy in your life if you learn those lessons in life.Good luck for you future :)
+A JONES Please check out Merediths book, it will give you the steps to healing yourself. Education is a huge step and it feels very liberating but we need to put in the work to heal properly.
@UCF-tlqEICq4D7kf-K5DPpjQ You got a good point.
That's really good to know. After the last episode with my mother I thought I better read up on narcissism..hopefully it is helping me as it's helped you!
Jools Pools for me I needed to know everything possible. I read books and binged watched videos, I engaged in live chat and even joined a Facebook group. I will say this took me a good ten months to work through a lot of this. It’s like when you really understand it and how they manipulate, lies, ect. your opinion of them will change. For me the very first step was education, then it’s healing. Prayers to you!
If you are a considerate person who likes to help others less fortunate beware!!! The narcissist is looking for people who care. The narcissist is far from less fortunate. They are Wiley enough to get everything they need
Yeah, I've struggled with this. I care, and I've also dealt with a lot of the same past trauma that these people claim to have happened to them. The difference is that my body was incredibly damaged by childhood trauma but I'm determined to deal with my problems and get to a better place.
It took me almost 2 years to "figure out" that my ex-boyfriend is a covert narcissist. Something just didn't feel right- I felt uneasy, he was always down and out and I felt like he was, I remember saying, "sucking the life out of me." He didn't have any friends and depended on me for his supply and it was exhausting. Thank you for this video!!
ua-cam.com/video/hBGSSGr5e_U/v-deo.html
Covert narcissists are the worst! So glad you figured out he was a covert narcissist! I hope you have someone now who treats you right!
The narcissist gathers his/her flying monkeys and plays the victim card with them.
What bewilders me is how readily others believe her / him and reject the real victim in this game. They destroy families and blame it on their target. It seems impossible to fight this injustice.
Yeah. This also happened to me recently in a community of "highly spiritual" people. The narcs were a dysfunctional older couple who had a lot of money and clout in the community. At first they held me in what seemed to be esteem...as soon as I started renting a home from them, managing their vacation rental and gardening on their land that started to quickly shift. I realized what was going on after a few years and started pulling back and getting played into the drama. Then the real shit started hitting the fan. In one fell swoop (for no reason) I lost my place to live, access to the garden I'd helped create and my work. What a mess. Then they turned around and told people in the community I was a drunk and horrible person. Most of those people were the "flying monkeys" and they said things like "we always thought she (me) was secretly a bad person" and the narcs had them all convinced that they were the victims and I was the perp.
Glad I have this info so that now, finally at age 60, I can figure out how to stop getting involved with people like that.
Yes, I grew up with a terribly abusive narc mother and in a christian cult. So never understood why I kept attracting toxic people into my life and what was "wrong" with me. Thanks for all the great info!
Penelope Lambson Sounds a lot like my story, especially since it was my ex husband's own parents who helped him plot against me, when they know him better than anyone and yet helped him break our family apart and planned on taking my son away from me in the process, I fear for my child's wellbeing and the influence these people could have in his life since they raised his sociopath father.
Yep, they are truly evil
This description of a narcissist and a borderline perfectly describes my parents. Our household was a war zone.
Provoke, provoke, provoke......that's all either of them ever did. To us, to each other....but I was a bad person for going no contact.
Don't worry..even before you went NC you were probably the bad person.
Be okay with that. As the scapegoat I've learned that it's ok for others to blame me. I just don't repent. I shrug and say, I'm sorry it made you feel that way. And from there I bat away the rest of the blaming. Being raised by a covert narc who is also a Christian cultist I learned it from basically the onset of puberty. So my covert husband reacts the same way. Injury, rage, rejection. I just shrug and let him make me out ot be the bad guy. Soon it will be the "crazy ex." So be it. I know what's real, and I don't let him gaslight me anymore. All exes are "crazy exes," the important part is to be the "ex" and no longer the supply.
Going through that with my father right now 15 months. His email is blocked. He is very upset.
@@preciousgem9343 I did 30 years no contact with my father. Each and every holiday it was the same story, "you only want my money"... "no dad, I want a father: all you give is money." And uses it as blackmail to provoke negative supply.
There's just no getting it right with these people.
Christine Colley did you say anything before doing no contact or just leave?
The Narcissist or the abuser always has to play the victim card. They want to "reoffend" and they can't expect to do that unless they play the victim card. They want to convince everyone that you are the problem. Never confront, argue, reason, defend, or explain yourself because this is "reactive" behavior and it always backfires! The narcissist is going to use your reactions against you, that's why you need to learn to respond instead.
Pegasus 514 It doesn’t always back fire
Wow this is happened to me I always tried to defend myself
Yes I learned to do this! To apologize only for my part … even if I fell on a mine in a minefield! I recently told a major Narc ok yes you are entitled to your feelings (victimhood) but this has nothing to do with you! Lol
ua-cam.com/video/hBGSSGr5e_U/v-deo.html
How you feel after you have spent time with someone is all you need to know. When you walk off do you have to question everything you just heard? Do you feel like going about doing something good with yourself or are you confused and feel down? Red flags
Yes, with my mother. We had a blow out today and she started crying and over-talking me until she finally said that she's finished. So once again, nothing is resolved and I continue to suppress my feelings of anger because she puts a wall up that won't allow me to get my point across. It's always........she's right and I'm just the person who can't let go of anything and has emotional issues. Well if issues keep getting swept under the rug, and you don't allow the person you've offended to vent in their defense, then the cycle will continue. It will fester and not go away. I seriously hate her even though she's in her late 70s because it is getting worse. I don't understand how a person can be like this, thinking that they are always right and don't cause pain to others.
Yep 👏🏿
I quit my job and started following my estranged husband around for his military career and taking care of his kids. We had a joint account. When I would bring up getting my own account and a job he would say that if I did that it would be the beginning of the end of our relationship. Eventually he kicked me out after he got caught doing unsavory things, and took all of the money, closed the accounts, and I was left with nothing. I had to go to his command to get help(which he blamed on me, saying I didn’t care about him or his career). I was so naive in my relationship. The bank account thing is great advice.
That’s financial abuse. The therapist Shannon Thomas wrote a book on it.
Inner Integration thank you for the book recommendation. The more research I do the more it all makes sense.
My parents have separate bank accounts. My mom always taught me to have separate. In case something happens.
Separate accounts only really works in separate property states in the US. Community property state rules are that each spouse OWNS half of what the other spouse earns.
If you inherit something, that IS separate unless you do something stupid like put it in a joint bank account and co-mingle the funds.
Also everything acquired during the marriage is community property. Get a prenup. File taxes using the MFS married filing separately status. But many tax breaks are not available with that status.
Any feminist would have told you that 50 years ago.
Thanks for helping me put the pieces of my life back together. My ex played the victim role very well. I am a helper, therefore his manipulation worked quite well on my guilt. Everyone needed to be fixed except him.
One saying, after my divorce from a realtionship with a narc that ended in fianancial ruin, goes as follows...."I'd rather be broke than broken". I fled from abusive and it tooks years to recover my bank account but I was free. You are a genuine and beautiful human Meredith!!
Thank you. I saw this happen before my eyes and I didn't recognize what was going on. I will not spend one more second on people that do not deserve it. Thank you.
You are the first person i have ever heard address female narcissists
I went no contact from my narc mother almost 20 years ago. She STILL uses that to get supply (because only a terrible daughter would do such an awful thing to her mother). That’s ok, as long as I don’t have to see or speak to her ever again. My father is a neglectful narc who only interacted with me if mom told him to discipline me (he seemed to actually really enjoy hitting me, later even attempting to strangle me, it’s sick!). I never had a chance growing up. I’m 41 and am finally finding out who I am. I thank God for giving me the instinct to leave when I did. I am a sane, whole person now. “Mom” and “Dad” can go live miserably ever after without me. I choose to live in real sanity, true love and genuine happiness.
P.S. I was diagnosed with a peptic ulcer at age 17. Even my body was screaming at me to get out of there! Each day I find it’s easier to breathe and I’m not nearly as on edge. I only wish that my therapists had been able to help me repair and build instead of making me feel bad about feeling better. Far too few people understand.
Staci. Gosh, I felt so touched by your comment, we have similar experiences, although I didn't leave and m y body punished me very hard.. so, congratulations for having the strength to get out!...and then, about the therapists... omg!.. the synchronicity!.. I am currently in a deep shock after being devastated by my therapist's behavior, the one that for two years I counted on to support me In my struggle to leave my narc parents and live a life even with a damaged health!... and unfortunately in my country this therapist is the best I can get... But I still find your comment inspirational and I wish u wholeheartedly good luck in your path and lots of love and happiness in your life..!! u deserve it !!...
Wow sounds like my mother I want no contact with her every after 5/22/19 dead serious your post just helped me so much where all learning but so glad I found this channel 3 days ago my mother has made me feel angry upset talking down on me and about me but plays poor me and never takes responsibility for anything...Thank you for your post I just learned aot💯💯
@@celestetheariesdorsey952 I am on the same path now........to get away from my mother and not have any contact. She is similar to your mother in that she always plays the victim, thinks she's right and gets mad at my angry reaction to whatever pain she caused in the first place. I always end up not being able to convey my feelings because she shuts down the issue. Time will pass and It's like nothing happened. But it always happens again and again. She did this to her mom and dad, in my presence when I was younger and to my dad also. But tell her this and she'll start screaming and burst out crying saying "I don't know what you're talking about. All I do is pray for people and be positive but I keep getting negativity." The same ole, same ole from her. Unfortunately, I live with her and keep getting obstacles in my way when I'm about to move out. Either I've gotten laid off, had construction stop on the neighborhood my house was supposed to be built in because of drainage issues or other things. Now I'm stuck biting my tongue or having chest pains from holding stuff in. She never has and never will admit to being wrong or playing the victim.
@@moonsyoungestsun6550 could you finally move out? It sounds like our mothers are really similar - sending a big hug your way.
"true healers" need to eat too, I don't see any problem you charging for your work, I do greatly appreciate your free content since I'm broke and can't afford anything right now.
These relationships start off the same way. The whole nature of narcissist relationship is never based on "YOU DO RIGHT BY ME, I DO RIGHT BY YOU" NO! The whole relationship will be one person being drained every way possible while the "victim" comes up with new problems for YOU to fix. As you are fixing one complaint they are well rested and cooking up the next one when you are done with that last one.
Ooh, this happened to me and it was terrible
I respect your intelligence. I realize this is free content and I am learning from you. I would never suggest to you that you should not be charging for your professional time. It's great to give but receiving is sustaining. It is survival. Time is money. Your knowledge is worth money. You have a service you can provide and you probably worked hard to get to where you are.
I would add a question to you summery of "time is money", How much value would you attach to giving someone tools to create a better a life for themselves. To be able to escape broken people, who only suck your spirit with intentions to destroy you. I would say that is priceless. That is sincere giving from the heart. If that's a good thing to us as people what do you think God thinks of it. Yeah, he loves it. It goes on your record. As a kind and giving, human being. Knowledge is power but is nothing without wisdom.
Get your money girl. Damn, right you deserve it. The help on this channel is free.Some people need a swift kick.
Not "probably worked hard", but absolutely without question, including her own inner work to start with! 🌹
Thank you for shedding light on where men are falsely accused for violence etc by narc women.
I have been through abusers playing the victim as well.
Points I liked:
- Look for consistency bc a person can apologize later
- The first stage of healing is feeling like the victim
- Rescue fantasy is common in CPTSD patients
It is so difficult with covert narcs. I end up feeling like everything is my fault because I get angry about the lies. I have had predatory males in my life as partners all my life. Bad boy to savior.
I feel you lovely xxx
After 4 months, the guy I’ve been seeing has been hinting around that we should move in together-to move in with me. He says he hates where he lives....says because of his background, he will never live in a nice place. He says he is tired of being alone. He wants a companion. I told him no, he cannot move in with me. I have a teenage daughter and told him many times before that I am not interested in living with a man I’ve only know for less than 2 years. I’ve made that very clear so many times!! He persists almost daily that we should move in together. I keep telling him no! He’s at the point where is getting very angry because he won’t get his wat. I will not give in. I broke up with him today as I have many times within the last 4 months.. He comes back love bombing......begging, texting and calling nonstop trying to get back in, to get me to feel sorry for him. He just won’t stop and I’m not giving in to his demands.
Good job saying no!! Now you can block him so he stops harassing you.
You just dodged a bullet! Good for you. :) If he tries to contact you after you´ve blocked him, do not hesistate to report him to the police if he keeps pestering you. If you feel scared in any way, please take it seriously. You and your daughter deserves much better than a man like that. Take care!
BravA Mama! For sticking to your convictions about moving in so soon- not just abt stepping over your boundaries-but for doing as much for the possible protection of your teenage daughter! I’m always shocked (!) how FAST broken people move in with one another in general or right after a separation/divorce (esp with other kids) instead of taking the actual needed time to really heal- know thy self and mend many hurts- present or from past. KUDOS! ,)
Yes stop it! Boundaries he is cra cray.
I honestly have no words to thank you, I'm 21 years old and have been badly abused all my life by my narcissistic dad and he destroyed my self-esteem and gave me pain beyond what I could describe, I literally used to fall asleep crying and through you I was able to recognize that I've been abused and have been a victim of narcissistic abuse and you have helped me heal myself by a lot and made me aware of what is going on. You have helped so much that I literally have no words to thank you. Please continue doing what you do! You are an angel! Much love to you! ❤️
Pearl Arya stay strong man it gets better
Andreas Landgren Thanks heaps my man!
Do you still communicate with him? Is that what made things better? I'm interested in knowing because my mom plays the victim and thinks she's right about everything. She causes pain but when I try to respond or defend myself, she tells me I'm the devil or I'm an instigator or something is wrong with me. My problem is that I currently live with her and every time I've been on the verge of moving out, an obstacle occurs. For example, I was about to move into a new house once and then it was halted because the neighborhood had drainage issues. I don't see how this can be resolved so maybe knowing that living apart from her, like you with your dad, can give me some hope.
I used to have a “friend”. I lent her some money. When the due time has passed, I waited a bit more like 2 weeks more and decided to remind her about it. She blamed me for reminding her so late, coz now she needed money for her trip and couldn’t I see how not on time my reminder was. I stopped all the communication with her but realising just now who this person is. Thank you for your videos Meredith 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
My ex-wife did and still does play the victim. I "took care of her" for 23 years and then was discarded. She spread lies about me to a lot of people.
One night I had a dream where I was going from person to person trying to explain my side of the story. No one would listen or believe me. When I woke up I realized that it would be futile to go around and try to tell everyone my side of everything.
This dream which I regard as a gift from God, showed me that He will defend me and that I should work on my own flaws and "let my integrity show" in the way I live my everyday life.
I'm getting closer to the happy healthy relationship I've always wanted 🙂 thanks Meredith!
Fake victim seems to have no self-awareness. Everything is always someone else's fault. Real victims often have trouble coping in different ways but the fake victim doesn't seek out any help and they seem fine except for their blames shifting ways. Real victims often have CPTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, high blood pressure, etc.
I truly appreciate all the free content you provide. The narcissist in my life has financially hobbled me to keep me from leaving, and I would not be able to pay for this content when I truly need it the most.
I was wondering if you could speak to the fact that when one has been scapegoated for a long time and there have been years of character devaluation, the true victim could actually be in a place where he or she IS forced to rely on others due to the fact that the victim has been financially sabotaged and destroyed. This would play into the victim actually appearing like a "victim narcissist" and a "leech" and the narcissist appearing like the victim when nothing could be further from the truth. Most would never think this could actually happen to them. I would like to offer that it can. And it can happen to even the strongest.
New Beginnings My estranged husband got a lot of sympathy, because of my Fibromyalgia! It got a lot worse during our marriage, largely due to his bullying behaviour, and I became increasingly disabled. I don't know what stories he told them, but other people actually encouraged him to leave me, because I couldn't do everything he expected of me, so they felt sorry for him!
Excellent hang on to go from because that has absolutely been what's going on with my situation I was married for 13 years and I mean from beginning of Love bombing and buying you things and seem like the one your soulmate and then slowly through the years manipulated and abused and she slowly planted seeds to all people in our lives I was told by her family members that she was crazy and also people in the community and I could not see that because of all the love bombing I couldn't see how this person should be evil when they were so perfect but I have learned a valuable lesson one that has cost me everything everything that I've been working for the last 13 years from the property that I developed from basically a swamp is now like a Nature Park at least it was when I left since then it has been neglected and destroyed and it still takes my breath away to even speak about it and I was so mentally it got to where I couldn't keep a job because stress I was under at home 24/7 I started working where she was working and basically put the nail in the coffin cuz I got to a Breaking Point and was able the most part not feed into her constant chaos that she will create and she would use it to try to get sympathy for me and I was able to realize after 12 years what was really going on. I found out that she was telling people at work place I was doing all this crazy stuff and you said to her and was on drugs and therefore I work in a female dominant environment and I was literally ganged up on from every direction... we work at a hospital and it was worse than high school ever the way people treated me daily rumors and lies spread around like wild fire. Now I don't know if any of you ever been ganged up on by a certain group of empowered people but it is unexplainable
I understand how you are feeling as I am going through the same thing , while my neighbours ignore me my husband continues to acknowledge them !! I asked him , how could you speak to them when I explained what they were like with me & he replied that they hadn't done anything wrong to him :O & this is just the tip of the iceberg !! Believe in yourself James , believe that you are a good person , get yourself out of your environment!! I wish you courage , as I myself need everyday with neighbours & work colleagues :/
New Beginnings, It happened to me! I am still in the victim stage from this. But at least I am no longer blaming myself for where I am and what I am forced to do.
New Beginnings this happened to me. I’m now starting to become strong again after a narcissist started a smear campaign on me (I believe it started at my workplace) and sent their flying monkeys that were in the community after me. At first I thought it was something called gangstalking but now I’m starting to see it for what it truly is which is a narcissistic smear campaign. I stopped working because the flying monkeys would mob me at work every time I found a new job. I became homeless, broke, suicidal, attempted suicide because of the bullying, and even developed an alcohol problem (of course the flying monkeys spread a false rumor that I was an alcoholic even before that). At first I tried to convince the flying monkeys but now I realize that they are roped in with the narcissist and cannot be healthy themselves if they are engaging in gossip. I also realized that I would get more and more roped into the drama when I tried convincing them that nothing they heard about me through the smear campaign was true. I also believe my narcissist siblings and parents also sent some of their flying monkeys my way. For a very long time I was in a fog from the smear campaign and began to believe that all people were narcissists and that that was just how the world worked and even started to develop those behaviors myself (while still feeling that there was something inherently wrong about it all) Now that I am coming out of the fog I realize that I was in a state of hyper vigilance at the time as a result of the abuse (cptsd). Since it is very difficult to avoid flying monkeys and go completely no contact if they are all over the community and constantly stalking you, I began using the grey rock method and now the abuse is beginning to die down. I am now in school and getting my life back together slowly but surely! Now that I am seeing the other side I can see that this journey was a blessing in disguise! It has built my character and now I am SO strong! I am a survivor! I realized that I had my own inner issues that also contributed to the cycle (like trying to receive the love and attention that I never received from my parents or family members from narcissistic counterparts) and I now feel less compelled to look for love outside of myself. If you are suffering from narcissistic abuse particularly the smear campaign then keep fighting! Stay strong! Don’t give up! Keep watching these videos (I suggest every day so that you can stay on track with your healing journey but everyone’s situation is different). This is YOUR life! Take it back! Fight until you see progress because I know it’s hard and I know you may feel very very lonely but once you see that progress you will begin to see a glimpse into the world of a healthy, whole individual and that world is SO BEAUTIFUL! You can breathe SO much easier. I’m no longer a Christian but it reminds me of how Jesus would talk about the kingdom of heaven. The other side is truly the kingdom of heaven where you see everything for what it truly is and you are no longer afraid and in hiding and in total despair. This journey is long and hard but it is completely worth it when you see the person that you become. The journey itself is a wonderful thing to be on just because you get to see your progress. I believe in you. Please believe in yourself because you deserve to be happy and free! Also another thing that worked for me was using affirmations such as “I am whole and complete” “I am great at setting boundaries” and “I am free” for all of the codependents out there! Remember you are a survivor! You are still here! Much peace and blessings to all of you out there!
The difference between someone playing the victim, and someone simply expressing their situation, is that the normal person will tell how they are dealing with it, how it’s their issue, and don’t use that issue to get away with stuff.
My mind is blown!! Thank you for the wake up call!
It’s really bizarre how people buy into there lies !! If I did this and lived this way - no one would believe me! No one believes me when I let them know who they are but people believe them it’s so bizarre !!!
I guess most people believe them because they are indeed such good actors- they dish out to the drama, the tears, the pity play, the new romance who is their "saviour" and "better half" (typically heavily promoted on social media...also to hurt their former victim) while the real victim just withdraws because they are traumatized and can't trust other people anymore.
The best used car salesmen
Thank you for big hugs and another amazing and helpful vid - you are an angel 💗 This vid is so spot on ! My narc was physically abusing me ( broken ribs, nose, toes, concussions and many bruises ) one day as he was choking me I started punching and ended up giving him a black eye . Of course he played major victim even posting his black eye on Facebook and telling everyone the evil thing I did to him. He even tried to press charges but my long medical records showing abuse shut him down - I did not ever press charges on him, but thank goodness I had medical records . He did everything else you mentioned in here too - so classic . I am so glad I am away from that now and I look back and I can see what was wrong with me and why I allowed myself to be hurt over and over . I suffered terrible ptsd and anxiety but managed to get thru that with very healthy eating and being outside a lot . Im not ready for another relationship Im very happy being alone with my kids and pets . We are all glad hes gone . And vids like yours I believe SAVE LIVES because these vids helped me find the strength to let him go for good 💗 God bless us all 💗 Thank you
The thing that was crazy was I hid the abuse he did to me - never told anyone for many reasons ...hid it with make - up or make excuse for broken bones " oh im so clumsy " But the one time I fought back and gave him a black eye he went viral with it , he just loved it and played victim to the extreme . I really enjoyed it when the sheriff said he could see thru his BS and that hed seen men like him before . If i didnt have medical records that narc couldve pressed charges so document everything and get out !!
That’s horrible. I’m so glad you had records and the cop believed you.
@@ChristiansPrayingTogether I'm happy for you you are out..I find it hard to believe he went on Facebook. I've never heard of such a thing..I would have thought it would have made him feel guilty because he got his black eye through physically abusing you! Can I ask out of interest why you stayed with him? I cant imagine a man breaking my bones and staying with him because I think I would be so afraid of him although I know it happens cos it happened to my friend when we were younger. She said she would never tell an abused woman to leave. Anyway, glad you are making a life for yourself! Keep it up girl!! It's so freeing not to depend on a man for your happiness isn't it I find, although you can feel lonely at times.
@@joolspools777 Looking back Jools I think I must've been nutts to stay with that kinf of terrible abuse. Before him I was married 20 years and never experienced any abuse . When I used to watch abused women Id say " get out get out " and then there I was ...my narc first slowly broke me down making me feel worthless ..then I was kinda low ...then the abuse started and I kept thinking " its my fault if only i had brought the water soon enough , got the exact right type of root beer ..." He hurt me bad for very minor mistakes like purchasing the wrong rootbeer and somehow I got into believing it was my fault ...Looking back I think whoa !! He cheated on me alot too and always said if i was a better this or better that he wouldnt have to cheat . Finally one day he called my 8 year old daughter a cunt and that was it a kinda fiery spirit came out of me its like dont you even say one word about my baby girl ...and its been over since and I realized I am Gods child too and should respect and love myself as much as I do my kids 💗 I also think there was an evil demonic presence in my ex narc that overwhelmed me . This will sound crazy but the pupils of his eyes turned like a lizard eye when he was mad . His eyes reflected a terrifying kind of evil. I felt like I was in the spiritual battle of a lifetime . I hope you are not going thru this . Thank you for your kind words and God bless you🙏💗🙏💗
Narcissism could be dangerous, but if you do make it passed you will become much stronger and will not tolerate things like you did before.
I recently uncovered my close friend to be a covert narc. I tried to explain how they play the victim in every situation, and that the way they rely on people and refuse to take accountability is not okay. Well, they blamed me for the issue and said that I didn't have enough empathy and I could never understand what they were going through. When in reality... our relationship was based around my ability to endlessly and naively empathize with their BS. Thanks so much for your words and insight! I still feel so confused about it all.
His mean old ex wife was the topic of discussion for him for a long time.
I felt like I was protecting him from her abuse.
He said she made him broke in the divorce. Took everything he had.
Then, he took everything i had.
Many people believed or half heartedly believed he was the victim of an abusive selfish ex wife. It was widely known so, I had no reason to not believe it.
I felt like I was raising a disabled child at times, instead of having a full grown adult partner.
In fact, the picture of the poor sad clown you chose is uncanny how much it looks like my ex.
The way he acted like the poor helpless boy.
The sad clown.
Who would have thunk that that picture of a person would turn out to be a slanderer, a thief, and a manipulative abuser.
Never get involved with the men with the sob stories... It's one thing to be divorced and over it, but a whole other thing to make yourself a victim over it and to keep playing the victim. My ex bf did that. Thank God i had my doubts and didn't marry him.
whatever it is that they are declaring or vowing with no prompting that they'll NEVER do are EXACTLY what they will do. It is a disguised taunt that they will use during lovebombing an unaware empath for their sick satisfaction. Proof that from day one it was an illusion.
They go out of their way to give excuses during the initial days for why they are emotionally upset. Those same excuses (bad ex wife, bad ex girlfriend, my father doesn't love me, my father has give property to my siblings but not to me, I've helped people and they've gone ahead but I've remained where I am) and getting triggered into being emotionally upset will keep being used over and over to get away with things, to blame shift and exert abuse. You will be accused of causing emotional upset despite "knowing" their difficult past etc. As I kept dating my ex boyfriend, his list of issues kept growing really fast, in my observations. I noticed he had emotional issues, anger issues, issues with authority, he felt he was above everyone else, including his parents and all elders, he respected and listened to no one, only his mother to an extent who had groomed and spoiled him into being a narcissist and his boss whom he considered to be more like his true father. So I kept realising this person has a lot of issues and kept feeling unsure of going ahead but part of me said let's see where it goes. Eventually he tried to exert emotional abuse on me over the phone a couple of times, thankfully we were long distance at the time. Having rejected bullying post my early childhood, I knew I'm not going to accept this. I rejected his behaviour and broke up with him. But my mistake was to continue on later when he apologized and wanted to get back together. He changed his behaviour post then. Became a bit cold and distant and was watching his own every word. He was setting me up for a big rejection cz he had felt narcissistic injury when I broke up with me. He wanted to take revenge. The only good thing is that when I got to know him better I realised he's too much of a recreational drinker and actually is alcohol dependant and I that's a deal breaker for me. Also to cause more tumult in my mind and to tear me up emotionally, I assume, he showed me a letter from his health insurance provider, cancelling his health insurance, basically saying he is uninsurable given his 3 more advanced health conditions (heart arrythmia, kidney disease stage 2 and high diabetes) which were stated on it. At the end of it I knew though I had feelings for him I could not accept such a person into my life as my significant other. And no amount of love was going to make me sacrifice all my future happiness for someone who was nearly a drunk and did not want to reverse or change anything to improve his health. But still it was after the discard and he trying to Hoover me back in a way or just trying to play with my emotions that I said a prayer, that god please show me the truth of this situation, and a post about narcs and empaths came up on Facebook that I read and discovered that he had all the traits and was a maglinant narcissist. I had once previously met a guy who also had sob stories to start with, so I didn't entirely trust this other one but he behaved very committed and ready to make a big commitment in life really soon, so yeah I got fooled there for a while. But thankfully the abuse/ bullying meted out to me by my mother and brother (with her support) and bullying by older kids when I was under 10 made me vow that I will never accept bullying in my life. That protected me. And oh I finally went on to realise more recently in a conscious way that my mother is a covert narc. Ironic that I felt happy to have avoided marrying a narcissist but have been dealing with one since birth.
The truth about that ex's past marriage and past long term relationship which I got to know towards the end of our relationship was that he had been physically and emotionally abusive towards his first wife, so much so that she had threatened suicide at some points, they got divorced after a year of marriage. Also it seemed like his long term relationship started while he was still married, and went on for 8 years but the girl didn't marry him, she left him for someone else eventually and I heard that she didn't marry him cause he was not willing to live apart from his family. And she found someone much nicer who wasn't abusive. So she got out. But of course he had vilified both these women, the ex wife as mentally unstable and that she wasn't his type (yeah the type to take abuse), and that the ex gf was a complete gold digger who had taken a lot of material things from him over the years including a high-end sports car. So anyway, these are ways in which they distort the truth about the past and try to show themselves as the unfortunate and hapless victim. And what cruel devils they themselves are. Always take it slow so that the other person has enough time to show their bad side. A normal bad side is still acceptable but a disordered bad side isn't and they should be left at that point before making any major commitment.
I got lucky in that by chance due to Facebook I got 25-30 of his extended family and friends connected to me early on. And this was something which he never wanted, cz narcs want to isolate and triangulate. Well few of those people eventually helped and revealed his secrets. Thankfully I got saved from that situation but right now my issue is to get distance from the covert N in my life.
Jumping right into another relationship is a good indicator of who the victim was and who was the narc. Not always but it's a good indicator, especially if there's a pattern of a lot of short term, intense relationships, one after another. The narc can't be alone, they have to have supply. This is how the XN wound up outing himself, if not as a narc, as toxic at least. Before no contact, the XN even told me that he didn't understand why he lost his friends. They start to recognize the pattern. They won't say anything, they'll just distance themselves. He went through at least a dozen NS before he finally got one to marry him. The victim can't imagine being in another relationship, for a looong time, most of the time. It took years for me to even consider it. Nine years out, I'm still single and one of the things I'm most thankful for is healing enough to enjoy my own company and being open to the possibility of another relationship.
I love your work and how you are making a difference in this world, and MY world, you are an angel, thank you. 😇😇😇
The part when you say that those with cptsd are very vulnerable to rescue fantasies hit home like nothing else. Or boy do I have a story about that . Unfortunately it would take hours to tell. It's that complicated. Took me decades to realize. And still struggling from its complications.
I think the most difficult thing here is that they want you to carry with the whole responsability, like if you were the only one who were wrong and the only one who have to change something. Sometimes they even feel bothered when you talk or say something...I think if you take your time to deeply think if you have reasons to be the victim or not, then probably you are not the victim. Thanks a lot for your work, it helps a lot. Guys also suffer this patterns!
I'm recovering from years of narcissistic abuse when I realized what was happening I felt empowered and started giving the narcissist some of her own medicine then she started playing the victim, sometimes its hard to change peoples perception that the narcissist smeared you too. Your videos are awesome I'm always learning something new
Thank you Meredith 😘. You deserve every penny. Lots of love to you 💖 xxxx
Thank-you thank-you THANK-YOU for reminding people that women can be abusers too!!!!!!!!!! And thank-you for reminding people that men can be falsely accused!!!!!!!!!! I have a male AND female narcissist abusers. Great video, Meredith!!!
Nailed it! Thanks for calling a spade a spade XO
Thank you Merideth.
I should have kept a seperate bank account as my back up plan had I only known..
But I was too naive, too trusting, and too gullible back when I met him.
And after we were married, he cleverly hornswaggeled me from my job into his business venture .
Before I knew it, the more I gave my efforts to the success of the business, the more he slacked off..
Decades later finally I faced the horrible reality of our empty shell of a relationship..He had all the money at that point..
I hope your viewers follow the advice to always keep their oun bank account seperate from their husbands.
I would have paid more for your courses they are the most effective work I've ever done and I'm greatful beyond measure, your free content is amazing too. You understand how the narc works and you have been with me through every step of the way and had the perfect advice and info and warnings!! I freaken love you Meredith! You have changed my life! Thankyou for your AMAZING work ❤❤
Sarah Good what courses?! I want to do it too
Two years with a victim narcissist- the best pity play I have ever heard...neglected and abused by his parents, treated badly by his ex, fooled by many employers- a typical parasite...and I ...the latest host ...was not able to give him enough..( although I gave him all my love, a lot of money, my trust and my strong belief in him and his talents).The hole was too big ...I could not fill it. I feel empty now- even after 1 year of no contact,, but I fight every day for my healing...the hardest thing is that I do not believe that I can ever trust again.
I love your work, Meredith. I've survived multiple toxic cluster b-type personalities: covert and overt narcs in my family, work life and some living situations where I've suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of roommates. I'm only now learning how to navigate these people when I have to deal with them, and knowing when and how to get out and sever all ties.
Been following The Richard Grannon, Sam Vaknin and a few others, and that's how I came across your channel. It's really enlightening and liberating to view all these different perspectives on the subject. I really like your approach. Invariably, people that have survived this kind of abuse are the best coaches and healers because they're crawling into the pain of their past experiences to help others, and in healing others, you're healing yourself. I can tell that's what you're doing, and it's that level of sincerity and empathy I love about your work. I feel like it's my calling too
I'm trying to break the empath/narcissistic cycle... knowledge and healing is everything❤️
Good advice on keeping the money separate...
I'm so glad you addressed the entitlement issues to your time & resources. People are so envious of others for being able to create a fulfilling life for themselves while helping others. They imply that you're undeserving, when really, they have commitment issues & fail to create what they desire in life for themselves. Thanks for all you do. You are absolutely one of my favorites to listen to on this subject matter. Your time and resources are appreciated and they do matter.
Just my notes. WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO!
Why do they play the victim?
1. Pity
2. Narc supply / gaslight
3. Manage their public image
4. They want something e.g your time or money
5. Transfer responsiblity
How to spot:
1. Blame for no contact "you dont care" if youre busy
2. Shaming / guilt tripping
3. Entitlement
4. Love bombing before guilt tripping. To make you feel good. Then using it against you.
5. Exageranting
6. Lack of self responsiblity.
7. Blame shift and smeer campaign if you dont do what they want.
8. Pattern
9. They make issues your problem.
Theres no shame in being a victim.
Victim is a stage. If you try to improve you are growing. Focus on the growth! Use the anger and pain to get out of abuse.
"Playing the victim" stays there.
Watch out for "saviours" that you get trapped and dependant.
Educate yourself!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!
Meredith, in my case, the kids see their dad as the victim and me as the abuser, every time. It just baffles me and throws me into frustrating pool of crazy emotions...
I just wanna thank you for the free content it's helping me tremendously.
God love ya.
It makes sense that narcs, etc. would watch these videos to finer tune their methods. So it’s no surprise that a victim narc would make comments to try and put you down or dismiss the incredible value you bring to all the rest of us.
Negative and critical people want SOMETHING for NOTHING, and will get exactly what they ask for, NOTHING from SOMETHING. People will pay for valuable information, guidance, and knowledge, because they know the importance of mental health and healing. Btw Meredith's programs, and book are VERY affordable. And all the free content is she gives us is amazing and valuable and huge time invested by Meredith 🌹
I was reacting all the time and he was always so calm in front of people but behind closed doors he would yell and be cruel and turn around on the kdis and me and be right in my face and scare the crap out of me. I had ptsd when we got married and now I have Complex ptsd and autoimmune disease now too. Horrible memory issues and I was so sick!!! My life has become a dream and amazing once u was out!!!!
Thank you, this is one on the best explanation I have found so far. Appreciate what you’re doing.
I finally freed myself a year and a half ago from my narc mother and this video sums it up beautifully. I am on the road to recovery. Videos like these help heal the world.
When I tried to get closure with my mom, she claimed that having cancer gave her a "pass". She believed that anything wrong she had done in her life was cancelled out because she'd had cancer, as if it was an "penance" of some sort that gave her blanket absolution. She wasn't speaking to me when she passed away, so I never got closure, which I feel was exactly what she intended. Everyone wondered why I didn't deliver a eulogy at her funeral, and in fact didn't speak at all. I told them I was too upset. What they didn't know was that I was too upset WITH HER.
Wow. And no cancer is not a pass. It’s probably best you didn’t try for closure because she likely would have only continued hurting you.
Shaming you for your advice? Gee thanks! Man some people never cease to amaze me. Your generosity is incredible and much appreciated.
Great video and important message for all of us in this community, thank you!
THANK YOU! Omgsh... I'm always being pushed and pushed until I can't take anymore and just go off making ME look like the crazy one. And he always does it in front of our kids.
I was in a relationship where my partner was constantly assaulting me and when I left them they played victim as if I was the bad guy for protecting myself.
I know a therapist that calls this a drama triangle. A victim comes to you for help, you try to be a savior and talk to the abuser. The abuser (NPD) plays the victim, you become the "abuser," and the original victim becomes the real abuser's "savior" figure. It is so sick. When called out, the abuser has to shift the triangle, project, gaslight, make you out as a horrible person, etc., so that they can get empathy in the "victim" role. Yes, they knock you off the pedestal that they put you on, and and drag you around, because you haven't done enough and you are really the "problem." It's like a magic trick... it's the art of of misdirection and distraction. We have to recognize the "card up their sleeve,' and not be distracted by that stuff, and NEVER jump into a drama triangle. Thanks for the work you do, Meredith. It's so important to help people heal from this monstrous behavior.
Great advice about having separate bank accounts.
I am on my second marriage and have NEVER had a joint bank account and never will. That is a personal law.
What I also love about you is that you don’t charge a lot for your services and your free content! Thank you!
That’s crazy... “healers don’t charge” have they ever been to a dr? Hospital? Pharmacy? Hello??? I for one, totally appreciate everything I’ve heard from you & while I’m new here, I intend to investigate your optional services further. Thanks & God Bless 🙏🏻💙
Cher Brannon pharmacia is witchcraft and the Bible warns us. Drs and hospitals don’t know anything. Organic raw whole Food is real God given medicine. Perfect puzzle pieces! And if you ingest heavy metals and toxins you are playing into the scheme. You are blocking the receptors for the natural things such as iodine that the body needs. Trusting Drs and hospitals and poisoning children with vaccines so they can never meet their true potential. Then people blame God for the government created disease! The vaccine insert states adverse effects and here is section 13
“13.1 Carcinogenesis, Mutagenesis, Impairment of Fertility”
Hidden knowledge that ancient people had is kept secret in the new world order to profit off of us and eliminate the evidence that God exists. wifidangers.com/
And here is a link to vaccine inserts of every vaccine. Check out the tabs at the top of the page. Such as wifi dangers. Very informative.
thefullertoninformer.com/vaccine-inserts/
The man behind the website has a UA-cam channel too! “The Fullerton Informer” He Has really informed the hell out of me and made my life better. And my offspring because when I have babies they won’t be lab rats! Like most of us including myself were. Hope you find it helpful!
I usually dont comment but i would like to thank u for what u do and what u put out here for free.. with all my heart thank u so much it helped me on my journey to be aware..
I have been looking for resources to help me cope with some members of my family. this video is very enlightening.
Since Narcissism is along the personality disorder spectrum you do NOT have a chance to set the record straight.
Just run, and I mean run away as fast as you can.
Do not look back.
You will turn into a pillar of salt.
I am going through this with a friend right now.
She falls under these categories and I will never make this right.
Thank you, Meredith. I never knew love could be used as a weapon until I learned about narcissistic abuse, and your videos really open my eyes to my own experiences. I was emotionally and financially abused for 8 years by a narcissist who I realize now has always played the victim in his own life. I'm going through divorce, had a 6-month restraining order against him and he recently showed up at my front door, ringing the doorbell at midnight after a year of no contact. He said he was homeless, and I felt sorry for him. (Pity ploy!) Now I wonder if he's blaming his homelessness on me? He stayed with me six days, and I kick myself now for being so weak because now I have to physically and emotionally go through the withdrawal process all over again. Something in me can't say no to him. But he was such a leech. He says he loves me but he just wants someone to take care of him because he refuses to take care of himself. That's not love.
You brought me to tears. I appreciate you and all you offer for free. Thank you.
Several years ago I went through a really bad breakup that we were living together and all but married. She ran all over me and when i started to stand up for myself we split up.
She had drained me financially and stuck me with all the bills . She started seeing a guy right after we broke up who was a “victim/pity narc.” It took over a year just to get my head above water in the finances alone. The guy she started seeing sent me veiled threats and said things like the whole situation was my fault.
I was painted as the abuser as well and I am still dealing with the trauma from that situation. The one thing I hold to is despite the garbage I went through I never compromised my integrity. That has given me the self respect to carry me on in my recovery.
As for "you should be doing this for free" the advice, help and knowledge you give is invaluable. It cannot be payed for. What they are paying for is your time. Love your videos!
Watching this video again, I omg how I wish my son could see this. We got so triangulated by my narc mom today so we ended up screaming at each other and I even burst out in tears. He¨s totally buying into her victim mentality and pity ploys. She IS sick, I´m not debating that, but she´s using it so much to manipulate him. I even ended up telling him that she´s been "Crying wolf" for so many years that when she actually drop dead it´ll come as a total surprise to me. When she´s low on supply, then she´s extremely ill, and when she´s got good supply she´s totally fine. These damn manipulative ppl... =(
this is one of the best lessons I've had in 2019
Wow interesting! I caught my ex in bed with the ex best friend of mine and I ended up apologizing. So clear now
You not wearing makeup, makes the message get through 100%. I respect this a lot
My husband of 39 yrs is playing the victim since I filed for separation last month....its just so hard to believe that this person can be one person when hes around the kids ...then on the other hand he lies, cheats and who knows what else....since telling him Ive separated from him...he’s lied to his lawyer, he’s telling our doctor false things ...about me....sometimes I really believe I’m going crazy...my kids cant understand at all why I would leave ...they dont see anything ....Im trying to believe I can heal from this...are you sure a person can...or am I just doomed to be a victim...Im over 60 ...love your videos...
I'm a couple of decades younger, but you can heal! It will take years, but you will be so content. Do not go back. I reconciled so many times because I was convinced I was the problem. He brainwashed me with incorrect religious beliefs and had me convinced that I was the reason he cheated. My ex is already on wife #4. H
+Ma Sue that will be an ongoing thing. They will figure it out in due time. My biggest advice is no matter their age...do not bad mouth the other parent to your children. They will be the ones that are damaged if you put them in the middle he wins... It's so hard to keep silent and we all get fed up, but the kids' hearts break instead of the narc ex... Much love! Take it day by day. Keep informing yourself to arm yourself. Keep reaching out !
I am divorcing my husband of 41+ years. I feel like I was a frog, put in a cold pan of water, then the fire was turned on and I barely escaped before I was boiled to death. My biggest fear was his ability to manipulate and charm my kids into painting himself as the "woe is me/this is so unfair" victim. My kids are adults now and are, thankfully, able to see through much of his snake oil. (they figured it out a lot sooner than I did!). I'm just grateful to have a fair number of years left of not having to live with the stress and trauma of gaslighting, lying and pretending. Hang in there.
L GB how far into are you...i filed for separation Sept 6 and am waiting for him to agree to the process...so typical he’s dragging out every step...hoping I change my mind...no chance...but my two sons who both work for him...are angry don’t understand why Im doing it...because he’s in total denial...of anything thats happened ..hes a covert narcissist ....scary...everyone thinks hes awesome...they don’t see his lies, his cheating...
Ma Sue Separated since Nov 2017. Divorce set for Dec. He’s textbook predictable. It’s all my fault. Full tilt smear campaign. He’s also a litigator (a very good one), so he’s using every angle he can to make sure I get as little $ as possible. He’s stunned that I’m not rolling over and playing nice. If your kids are adults, you don’t have to cover for him or make excuses anymore.Just let them know that if they have questions, they can ask you & you’ll be honest. Best to stick to the facts & not editorialize when speaking with your kids. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay no contact, don’t let him try and charm you back into the illusion! You’ll get there.
I’m so grateful for all your free support, I’m in England and you have literally saved me from thinking suicide was the only route. I’m fighting and have been since my dad passed away and my health is crumbling and I’m trying to find some support or understanding here in England. But the amount it’s taking me to type this message is breaking me, im so isolated now and I can’t communicate with anyone because no one listens. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I was watching ted talks and that’s how I came across to understanding what’s going on with me and I’m not crazy. What do I do, the system here is terrible and failed my dad nearly 10 years ago and then he died while I was allowed no contact with him because my mother managed to convince the court he was a pedophile and a abuser and Iv been fighting for him and me and that’s the only thing that’s kept me going but my narcissist mother has managed to take full control of my inside and outside life and I’m 22 now. Iv always known she was the abuser physically and sexually and now I understand mentally as well as an adult and I’m getting so many flashbacks of my life. I suffer from rumination syndrome and Iv realised why I continue to detoriate. And I know my rumination with get better with the right help and feeling safe. Iv been begging my team to believe me but Iv been passed from places and people so much that things seem impossible. I never understood a narcissist until now and it feels to late but I’m hanging in there. What do I do in England..
Hi Meredith - I have an idea for a video (I have not seen anyone else on UA-cam talk about this) It relates to How Golden Children vs. Scapegoat Children deal with grief over death of narcissistic parents. * What happens when your identity is linked to another's perception(of you) and they die? * -- I am thinking about this because my covert narc mother died 5 years ago. My overt narc father is still alive and has hold of my siblings. I went no contact with my family 8 years ago (I had no idea what narcissism was then -- I only knew I did not want my parents or my siblings around my child, who is disabled). Any way, my adult siblings are floundering after our mother's death. I bounced back fairly quickly. The hardest part, for me, is letting go of hope. But I did it. I set it free with love ... and respect for myself 🦋
I find it amazing how black sheep children / scapegoat children learn, at a young age, pertinent survival skills to adapt to life's changes. I would NEVER be able to advocate for my child (the way I do) if I was a golden child. Don't get me wrong, I still deal with disassociation and work on leading an authentic/ present life daily (you taught me that). But I am grounded on being present and surrounding myself with peace and understanding ... my son deserves it and so does his mother 💖.
Thank you for your videos. You are a shining example of someone who has taken lemons and turned them into lemonade.
That’s a good point. I don’t think I can speak on that until I go through it and process it with my brother or cousin. I don’t have personal insights into that topic yet and I haven’t worked with enough clients whose narc parent died to be able to get insights from their experiences too.
The off-spring whose identity is supplied/propped up by the toxic parent will struggle very hard when that parent dies. Whether the off-spring enjoys their position (golden child) or rebels against it (scapegoat) makes no difference, the point is that the child 'knows who they are' as a result of what the parent tells them they are. Once the parent is gone, usually quite far into the off-spring's life, they free-fall as there is no longer anyone there to define them. Working out the true nature of who you are when you are in your fifties or sixties, and have never had a true identity of your own....not easy.
Helping other people is helping me through my own victim stage ❤️
7:42 So typical! These people when there is nothing left the last one: "Why do you make money in such and such way, not some other way. Its immoral."
Thank you very much for your advice. It’s difficult to separate all of the strands when you finally realise exactly what has happened to you at the hands of a narcissist. After listening to you I realise that the term PTSD is very real when you eventually understand and that healing has many stages until you finally break free. Thank you.
I have found that a lot of coverts do the "Vaguebooking" ploy to see if they can get a bite. Like fishing. Sometimes Vaguebooking is done by the abused empath also either way both are fishing for attention for whatever reason they need. So you really need to be careful when you respond to this type of fishing. Are they a victimized empath that needs someone to talk to or are they a covert that is fishing for random supply.
WOW. You are SPOT ON Meredith!!! What's amazing to me is how prevalent they are nowadays. Before 2 years ago, I hadn't a clue what a "narcissist" was. Now I have the knowledge, thanks to your channel and a few others. Sadly, I still cannot seem to wake those around me from their spiritual slumber. It is a pitiful thing to watch a family member's spiritual demise after relentless warnings to not go back. Please people, stay away from these demons at all costs. Your soul is at stake. Leave them in their misery. They CHOSE the path of death. They will NEVER admit they are wrong, and they will *ALWAYS be the victim in their mental fantasy land.*
It’s hard to wake them. You can only plant seeds and hopefully down the road at the point when they’re ready to break through, they will remember your words. If you read about the trauma bond AKA “insane loyalty” or the Stockholm Syndrome you’ll understand why it’s so hard for people to wake up to the abuse. People come to that awakening when a spontaneous inner shift takes place and the denial is pierced. Usually that’s in the form of a tough lesson.
@@InnerIntegration Amen sister. We have planted seeds. Waiting for him to awaken is the hardest, especially because I know what's coming around Thanksgiving/Christmas. I pray this time will be the moment he gets it. Another sad thing is that most do not start seeking the knowledge they need until (long) after they have put an end to the abuse, and someone usually has to tell them/help guide them to what these "people" actually are. So in a sense I am relieved that at least I know and will try my best again in love to help my BIL when the next episode of rage/pysical altercation/ and discard occurs. (Last year around Thanksgiving she took the children for 6 weeks out of state.) It was 2 days before he was scheduled to have surgery. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and empowering those who wouldn't have known otherwise.
To distingusish victim from predator it is not enough to just look at what meets the eye, because what meets the eye is amost never all there really is about the situation (or almost anything in life for that matter).
So seeing person A "attacking" person B does not really say you anything about who´s ho, if you don´t know the full story (the history behind the accounter, the mindets and character of the persons in question, the power dynamic etc etc.
NO MATTER WHAT STORY YOU HEAR, ALWAYS ASK YOURSELF: WHAT IS REALLY THE FULL STORY HERE. WHAT AM I NOT BEING SHOWN OR TOLD, THAT MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY JUDGEMENT ABOUT IT?
If you want to find out who really is the abuser, look for mindsets and the patterns they might manifest in.
Is the attack driven by desire or is it defensive?
People who attack out of defense usually don´t pursue, plot, campaign or stalk and harrass and usually have rather short intense, impulsive, vaguely targeted outbursts that end as soon as the threat is gone. Of course there is also the possibility of hyperdefensive behaviour, but that still does not reach the complexity and extent of a narc´s elaborate maneuver to systematicall destroy another person´s life in every possible way.
A defender while chase you off, an attacker however will chase after you and try to hunt you down, even when you try to get away.
I say this, because very often the victim does respond with defensive attacks, because these are the only option available.
To give a little exaggerated example:
When someone sneaks into you house and tries to kill you with poison in your sleep, so as to not leave any evidence, and you catch him before he manages to do so, you probably won´t respond in kind. You would probably panic, lash out with every thing you have in every possible direction and chase the damn devil out of there like there is no tomorrow (because if you did´nt there really would not be a tomorrow for you). This might get the attention of the neighbours or even the police who did not see what was happening before you drove the damn fucker out of your house, and away from your lawn swiging a lamp and yelling at the top of your lungs.
That's an awesome point you brought out here... Domestic violence doesn't necessarily mean that the person who got physical is the narcissist.. It can be a reaction to the phycological torture their enduring from the narc. They have classes you can attend for domestic violence, people are aware that unfortunately sometimes that happens in relationships.. But they don't have classes for people like narcs because it's something deeper than just anger management.
Gosh this hit the spot once again - It has taken me YEARS to come to terms with what has happened to me; so many layers of conditioning and resulting denial to have to peel away.. your vids have been instrumental in my awareness process, thank you Meredith!
Thank you so much for your time. I am 39 and just recently discovered my father is a covert narcissist. I was made aware of this after unfortunately I regretfully was an ideal covert narcissist myself.
I see all the things you say with being addicted to narcissist supply and totally identify with it. I am a meth addict in a rocky recovery and I have done every drug under the sun The feeling I get when I feel admiration from someone has a greater pull on me then any drug I have ever done. Only the feeling of IV meth can come any bit close. I have in the past stopped drugs without a second look if I had a good source of My supply. I HATE THIS PART OF ME and want it to just fucking die. I identify so much with Dr David Banner having this evil in me as he did in the TV series “the Hulk”. I feel stupid admitting this but it is how I feel.
I was diagnosed with BPD after speaking to a therapist for about 3 months at whom I saw for 9 months before I relapsed and lost my insurance. I have insurance again and I am so scared to not find the best therapist for BPD because I hear a therapist can do more damage then good. This is terrifying because I already have enough thoughts of suicide that I am depending on Allen Watts and UA-cam for help. I am lost and just want to cut the part of me out that hurts before it consumes all the good that is still left after being the fool who chased his fathers love for hopefully just half and not all of my short life...
Tuc Thompson - The fact that you admit your fears and struggles makes you strong and courageous...be compassionate to yourself, be that loving father for yourself, believe in your ability to make it. Take one step at a time, one day at a time Tuc.
Me too -without the meth. BPD and some addictions. I've had a lot of bad mental "health" treatment and disability. Im now in complete social isolation - UA-cam's all I got.
mallory I was and started to socially isolate but I forced myself to be venerable. Let others know I hurt and what was going on. I was terrified to do this but I was extremely suicidal and my family just lost my cousin to suicide which was a pain I couldn’t explain with the best writers. So I was forced almost to say I’m hurting too, BAD, and to my surprise my fears of being ate alive when I was venerable it was the exact opposite. Venerability is a beautiful thing. As are you a beautiful person and never believe different...
Jackson MacKenzie brings out a new book on the numbing after narcissistic abuse and the healing the emotional core wounds by facing them. Drugging yourself is your protector, your ego, not wanting you to feel the pain, so your projection of the pain into yourself gets worse. Book is out in January.
I am so GRATEFUL for your body of work. I so often refer my clients who are healing from narcissistic abuse to your videos and books. You are on heavy rotation at my private practice! Thank Heaven for you.
Omg! so funny about the commenter shaming you for charging for your services, so ironic that they are behaving exactly as you are describing narcissists in your videos.
It was hilarious. The part I accidentally left out of the English version of this video is that his comment started with "Prostitution is legal in Mexico and maybe that has had an impact on your approach since you moved down there...."
lmao, like you changed your perspective, theories, observations and behavioral techniques because in Mexico prostitution is legal...lol...he must just be "concerned" about you?....not
I think he was using that as an indirect way of implying that I'm a prostitute for charging for my coaching services and courses.
not much surprises me in regards to the subject of personality disorders, etc. I have a rich history with these types, seem to attract them like a magnet on crack...funny thing is that I have worked in mental health field for decades and fellow "professionals" and "colleagues" have some of the highest incidence of narcissists and socipaths.
right, to actually charge for your services, my God woman, how dare you, lol
Meredith, I have to be honest. I felt angry that someone had the balls to try and shame you for charging. I’m so very very very grateful for all of the FREE content that you have provided. I feel that I can never repay you for helping me to find me again. You are so generous with the videos that you provide for FREE. One day soon, I will schedule a 90 minute session(s) and be more then happy to pay for it. Words cannot express how grateful I am. Thank you Thank you.
I have a podcast that comes out with new episodes every other Friday. You might find some gems in there too.
What can you say about a person who wrestles control of everything, then flips the script and starts attacking the other person for being a burden?
It’s playing the victim. The attacking is an aggressive way of doing that instead of the passive aggression that other types might use. I would guess that’s the same person who will tell you how much they do for you and how unappreciative you are.
Shifting their responsibility to you. This one rings a bell too well. Thanks!
My ex who is a I believe a narcissistic sociopath or a malignant narcissist either one I know he is but he's in jail right now for assaulting his new girlfriend and he has four or five or restraining orders and I was never warned but whenever a woman would take him to court or get a restraining order it was always their fault they were ruining his life. And then he would move to the next girl and abuse her and it would never end but they always play the victim even when they are overt.
First of all I wanna say huge thank you for making this video because I thought I was going crazy, doubting myself for going no contact with mother. Since moving out, at 30, she would guilt me for not contacting her more often, but then she wouldnt reply to some of my texts. At one point she was calling me everyday and I told her to stop, she acted hurt and put responsibility for how she felt on me. Worst part, after she kept doing this guilt routine, she said I hope you become a dad so that you will feel my pain. Because to her, parenting never was a joy, but a pain.
Deceits favorite role is playing the victim.
THANK YOU for talking about this! There are SO MANY PEOPLE like this! The only thing you forgot to mention is that they do this because nowadays, whoever plays the victim best, wins. Even if you have even more potential victim-cred than they do (but don't cash in on it). My Relationship with my husband is great. But it seems like outside of that, I daily meet people like what you described. I've even talked to people about it and people seem oblivious to all the manipulating and narcissism. It's really frustrating! It makes me not want to leave my house.