My husband has a 401k and so do I but mine has very little in it. He started to contribute to his 401k about 3-4 years before we were married but all other contributions were done after we were married in 1991. How would his 401(k) funds be divided if at all?
It depends on what state you are in, but usually retirement is divided 50/50. The pre-marital portion would be teased out and he may want gains and losses applied to that (in other words, the balance at the date of marriage would certainly have changed over the years with the market and it is fairly common that the owner of the 401(k) wants that accounted for -- but not always). Then, you would take your husband's 401(k) balance less his pre-marital portion and that is the portion that belong to the marriage. You can also do by percentages based on the number of months pre-marriage and number of months during the marriage. Note, also, that some states define "during the marriage" as ended at the separation date, but some define it as ending at the date of divorce. The total of the marital portion of both of your 401(k)s would then be divided 50/50, in most cases. However, you can agree to anything you want with regard to retirement. If you settle your case, your do not have follow your state's laws. Only judge's have to follow the state laws in a divorce situation. You need to know the law, though, to made informed decisions. You also will want to look at both of your retirement accounts to see if there are any Roth components of the 401(k)s. Those are taxed differently and need to be treated differently in a divorce situation. Get a lawyer or hire a mediator who knows how this stuff works in your state.
My mediator does not regulate very well. I'm noticing that she cuts me off but lets my husband go on and on. I feel she has a bias but since my husband has narc tendencies I think he is winning her over. I feel attacked a lot by my husband in mediation and I don't think she does a good job stopping him. He uses a lot of blameful language and he gets outwardly agitated. I assert myself and I get the condescending name before sentence dialogue. I'm afraid to start over with someone else because he might not go. But our sessions are so slow. He beats topics down and down until 45 minutes has passed and I cut him off. Then I'm the aggressor and " controlling" I've decided to cut our sessions down to one session a month at this rate. I'm not going to be paying her fee (which is a lot ) weekly anymore. I have doubts about her skill but feel stuck.
NUMBER ONE: If you doubt your mediator's skills, that is a big problem. You need to feel confident that your mediator can steer the ship and keep everyone safe. Otherwise, there is a great risk that you will never feel right about the outcome, either. It won't feel fair. I understand your reasons for not seeking out a new mediator; so you must try and do the best you can with the mediator you have. Talk with her and let her know that you feel the the playing field is uneven and that you are looking to her to even it up. If she dismisses you and/or does nothing to rectify the situation, you probably will need to look elsewhere. NUMBER TWO: As for the mediator letting your husband drone on and on, that might be part of the mediator's strategy. She might sense that your husband needs to feel that he has the stage for long periods of time -- because he is has those narcissistic tendencies -- and, once he has exhausted himself of things to say, she will take over. This is a stretch in thinking, but possible. She just might not know what to do; in which case you should not be allowing her to guide you through settlement. She is not qualified. NUMBER THREE: Unless your case is extremely complicated, you should be all settled in a few sessions. I don't understand what you mean "weekly" and "one session a month". I settle the vast majority of my cases in two 3-hour sessions. Sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more. Mediation is supposed to be efficient. Good luck.
If you husband likes his money a little bit more than he likes being "right" or "winning" you will be fine. He will see the money pouring out of his bank account on attorney fees and he will buckle down and settle. It might help if you, your attorney, and the mediator let him feel like the big shot he thinks he is. It will feel like wasting time, but he will feel good about how smart he looks (in his mind) and that might calm him down a bit. I deal with people who are described by their spouses as narcissists everyday. They are usually not full blown narcs, but they have a lot of the traits. I don't have any trouble at all In 16 years, I have only had to kick out two clients for really bad (scary) behavior -- but I was pretty young and, at this point in my career, I would have never taken those cases. I would have sent them to the judge immediately. Some cases do not belong in mediation. If the mediator can show your husband right away that she is smart and knows what she is talking about it, your husband will respect her and let her lead. If she starts talking about feelings and fairness, versus law, tax, and finance, he will probably hate her. Since your attorney will be there, though, it could get combative very fast .I have never dealt with a client who had narcissistic tendencies when there were also lawyers in the room. To me, that sounds like a recipe for trouble. Know-it-all types don't tend to like lawyers at all. Good luck.
My husband has a 401k and so do I but mine has very little in it. He started to contribute to his 401k about 3-4 years before we were married but all other contributions were done after we were married in 1991. How would his 401(k) funds be divided if at all?
It depends on what state you are in, but usually retirement is divided 50/50. The pre-marital portion would be teased out and he may want gains and losses applied to that (in other words, the balance at the date of marriage would certainly have changed over the years with the market and it is fairly common that the owner of the 401(k) wants that accounted for -- but not always). Then, you would take your husband's 401(k) balance less his pre-marital portion and that is the portion that belong to the marriage. You can also do by percentages based on the number of months pre-marriage and number of months during the marriage. Note, also, that some states define "during the marriage" as ended at the separation date, but some define it as ending at the date of divorce. The total of the marital portion of both of your 401(k)s would then be divided 50/50, in most cases. However, you can agree to anything you want with regard to retirement. If you settle your case, your do not have follow your state's laws. Only judge's have to follow the state laws in a divorce situation. You need to know the law, though, to made informed decisions. You also will want to look at both of your retirement accounts to see if there are any Roth components of the 401(k)s. Those are taxed differently and need to be treated differently in a divorce situation. Get a lawyer or hire a mediator who knows how this stuff works in your state.
My mediator does not regulate very well. I'm noticing that she cuts me off but lets my husband go on and on. I feel she has a bias but since my husband has narc tendencies I think he is winning her over. I feel attacked a lot by my husband in mediation and I don't think she does a good job stopping him. He uses a lot of blameful language and he gets outwardly agitated. I assert myself and I get the condescending name before sentence dialogue. I'm afraid to start over with someone else because he might not go. But our sessions are so slow. He beats topics down and down until 45 minutes has passed and I cut him off. Then I'm the aggressor and " controlling" I've decided to cut our sessions down to one session a month at this rate. I'm not going to be paying her fee (which is a lot ) weekly anymore. I have doubts about her skill but feel stuck.
NUMBER ONE: If you doubt your mediator's skills, that is a big problem. You need to feel confident that your mediator can steer the ship and keep everyone safe. Otherwise, there is a great risk that you will never feel right about the outcome, either. It won't feel fair. I understand your reasons for not seeking out a new mediator; so you must try and do the best you can with the mediator you have. Talk with her and let her know that you feel the the playing field is uneven and that you are looking to her to even it up. If she dismisses you and/or does nothing to rectify the situation, you probably will need to look elsewhere. NUMBER TWO: As for the mediator letting your husband drone on and on, that might be part of the mediator's strategy. She might sense that your husband needs to feel that he has the stage for long periods of time -- because he is has those narcissistic tendencies -- and, once he has exhausted himself of things to say, she will take over. This is a stretch in thinking, but possible. She just might not know what to do; in which case you should not be allowing her to guide you through settlement. She is not qualified. NUMBER THREE: Unless your case is extremely complicated, you should be all settled in a few sessions. I don't understand what you mean "weekly" and "one session a month". I settle the vast majority of my cases in two 3-hour sessions. Sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more. Mediation is supposed to be efficient. Good luck.
I am coming up on mediation with my husband whom I consider a narcissist. What should I or my lawyer look forward to?
If you husband likes his money a little bit more than he likes being "right" or "winning" you will be fine. He will see the money pouring out of his bank account on attorney fees and he will buckle down and settle. It might help if you, your attorney, and the mediator let him feel like the big shot he thinks he is. It will feel like wasting time, but he will feel good about how smart he looks (in his mind) and that might calm him down a bit. I deal with people who are described by their spouses as narcissists everyday. They are usually not full blown narcs, but they have a lot of the traits. I don't have any trouble at all In 16 years, I have only had to kick out two clients for really bad (scary) behavior -- but I was pretty young and, at this point in my career, I would have never taken those cases. I would have sent them to the judge immediately. Some cases do not belong in mediation. If the mediator can show your husband right away that she is smart and knows what she is talking about it, your husband will respect her and let her lead. If she starts talking about feelings and fairness, versus law, tax, and finance, he will probably hate her. Since your attorney will be there, though, it could get combative very fast .I have never dealt with a client who had narcissistic tendencies when there were also lawyers in the room. To me, that sounds like a recipe for trouble. Know-it-all types don't tend to like lawyers at all. Good luck.
Thank you
Need help with my ex wife not helping in