DEMOS - 2024 LYRICS SHEET Credits: > Nat (everything) =================================================== 1. chairman Mao (15/01/2024) Oooo chairman Mao I have a new Phone Oooo chairman Mao I have a New Phone Without chairman Mao There Will be no New Phone Without chairman Mao There will be only old phones Chairman Mao I have a New Phone But at what cost Has this been sewn How many souls had to be Ground up What futures have you Sent us What traitor did you become Your failure echoes on and on Is this what you wanted Chairman Mao? And though you deserved to die Would you be sorry now? ___________________________________________________ 2. tomorrow (30/01/2024) I used to dream of sunset beaches Now all around me is sand And although the seas still push against the shores Just as it did in the days of old There's no ships searching for land And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland Yeah it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland And I used to dream I'd live forever But I knew at some point I'd get bored When everyday's the same for the rest of your life Is there even a point in keeping time Or should I rip out the cord And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland But believe me when I say there's gotta be something out there I used to dream that things would get better But found at that point I was wrong Waking up to go sleep over and over What's the point of tomorrow if the day before was Just a waste of time And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland But believe me when I say I'm not sure Ladada da Since I got here I've been searching for a way out Don't we all? And I scrambled to my feet And ran for the door I didn't sleep much but the dream was alright It kept my hopes up deary but they've flown out of sight Its all part of a future that's lost it's bite And I know you can't hear just please sleep tight I'm not one to normally make shit up but There must be a reason that I've lived this long ___________________________________________________ 3. one over infinity (11/02/2024) I'm not so existential most of these nights Its just sometimes can't help but pick a fight with myself And if I'm being honest it's driving me insane I'm being honest, I cannot take the pain Pictures clearly hang the walls and yet I am alone, These incomplete memories, archives left unseen it's so unknown And you can take my hand and I won't feel a thing This winter weather gets the worst of me And you can take my feet lift them out of sand You can split the sea but I'll still stand on the land Cos why bother move sometimes it feels like its pointless no matter what i do Pictures clearly hang the walls and yet I am alone, These incomplete memories, archives left unseen it's so unknown The things we leave behind they will fade to nothing "Did I even exist" you will ask yourself and hear nothing And it's a price we all pay Of getting older each day And it's a price we pay To go insane But I'm 20 not sixty It's a duller existence i have reason to believe I'm full of insistence Its a hand on your shoulder Its a knife in your back Its the terror of knowing you'll never come back Because those pictures hang the walls But where are yours ___________________________________________________ 4. in case i wasn't clear (16/03/2024) The sad state of it all The world is built on sand And I just don't understand I don't understand How does one believe these things And not wonder why Where does your mind draw the line Where does your mind draw the line You spit in the face of reason And everything you believe I don't think you deserve Anything, anything Consistency isn't what it once was Science stands at the edge for a jump Drinking plain water with a strong dose of profit Too smart to stop believing in my own bullshit Think of how stupid the everyman is Realise half are more stupid than him But who are you to say it's a matter of taste You do not deserve the money you waste Cast down your fired brick walls, Your catalytic converter you drove to the store , The hospital who opened it's doors To a stumbling drunkard, high off rose quartz I know you think too much of yourself Drunk off no booze you're tipsy with wealth From a life of full promise demands more control You grasp at the simple and fear the unknown And these people are at the helm of all things With no understanding of what this might bring Some of the smartest you meet or might know Seem to stumble and fall at the feet of frauds And I've tried yelling over two or three chords I've sent people papers and nothing will work But someday their hand will be forced if not shorn From their waste of an arm, a waste to us all So cast down the lights in your home The sense of unease of the last horoscope For what is a future if naught but a joke You parade your poison like asking to choke And gran doesn't need a doctor no more She's much better on dried leaves and agaricus spore So they wheeled her out of those hospital doors To die at home from probable cause So in case you haven't killed yourself yet Consider not wasting your life making bets Against millions of people whose lives have been spent Making sure that the sick doesn't break off your neck We're in an age of enlightenment, we're the healthiest we've been You should be proud of that, proud of humanity We've conquered the moon, soon we'll conquer the stars And right now we are conquering diseases and scars So in case I wasn't clear We've solved your dumb problems, now get out of here ___________________________________________________ 5. the first sunset (15/05/2024) I can't see an end of... I keep... I... There's a tight grip around my Chest... And I can't seem to... And if there's... No, there's nothing... My eyes have long lost their affinity for light Now all they do is blur The world seems to lose its bite Their answers so curt I see drops hang from the ceiling They fall like dying stars They pool in cracks and furrow away I'm left with another scar Just another night in mind I dream of falling asleep I dream of falling asleep I hear stones fall in the distance Their echoes shake the walls They never let it get them down Oh how I dream of stones And I think back to the way things were I'm not sure I would prefer A different future from things I've heard I think I might be beyond a turn Just another night I'm tired I dream of falling asleep I dream of falling asleep I've nothing left to give And yet I have things taken from me What will I do if I lose another fucking week I am exhausted I feel defeat I feel the shadows Lengthen to greet I feel the last days Slipping on by Alone and abandoned I'm left to try You see everyone's running And I tried to sprint I missed my whole life I've missed it since In pools of reflection I try force a smile My gazes don't meet I recoil at the trial Yes I stand in the courtroom Let the stalactites hear I've lost my shadow In the darkest of fears That I'm being forgotten That I'm long past goodbye And the future is over I'll just wait till I die I said it's true You asked if god was real I said don't raise your hopes Just to bring them to steel And if you were a liar Then your fictions are sweet But if I had to choose one It's the one where we meet Without the hole in my side Or the thorns in your mouth I give you a sigh And you just start to shout [Quiet] You said for all of your scars What have you to show It's not what I know I'm less flesh and bone I'll never uncover I'll never find peace As long as this cave Holds both of my feet [Loud] And I'm kicking at pillars And I'm stabbing at air And I'm losing feeling That I ever was there I'll keep shuffling reflex Just an image of life Credit card debt of The divine light Suffer in peace they say with a grin When they know that they'll never ask where you've been And I've been at war with my life for a while Was I a mistake have I gone out of style So my bloody nails Have dented the stone As I whittle my fingers away to the bone And why should I bother Why should I care With a fistful of earth I grasp at the air To watch the first sunset in weeks And after that I'll sleep Just to see those perfect streaks I spent too long down here ___________________________________________________ 6. shortcuts through heaven long walks on the beach (18/05/2024) Summer day has passed Summer day has passed I see faces walking by Figured out, with a smile Summer day has passed Summer day has passed Beautiful sky blue How I wish I'd notice you I just keep on walking by Colour faded from mine And I see it all the time I never feel it at the time I'm skipping my life These nothings break my stride ___________________________________________________
today I found out about the 10 000 character limit on UA-cam comments. huh. 7. the last sunrise (permanently unfinished) (30/08/2024) I've been dreaming of all the things I've left behind Something else is deeper on my mind When I fall short I'll fall short a hundred times or more But no one else can be blamed for this all And I can't seem to find And I can't help you this time I staggered up I watched myself fall down again I can feel the fog rise in my head There's a trail of blood from a hole in the ground I can't remember much now And I can't seem to find And I can't remember why I know I've left the cave, I know what has been done I know what I lost, I know it's gone Too exhausted to think, too hopeless to weep No more dreams, no more sleep And I can't seem to find And I wasted time this time And I can still feel the night And I can see the last light [Part 2] I'll wake on that last day Hands full of stitches I lay aside a cavern a network of ditches And I'll press the pedal down I'm in no gear The engine's been screaming now I've run out of fear God take away my sleep Man, fuck everything I feel so tired here Alarm bells ring Dreams pull me back again For fifteen minutes I will walk Back again It's easy as piss I'm watching time runout For fifteen minutes My hands move far too slow For fifteen minutes I'm thinking twice as fast Fifteen minutes I think I blinked and now it's Fourteen minutes- I have suffered and will suffer again I am exhausted I will sleep until then Nothing will ever Will ever be the same again [Part 3?] This is the last sunrise I hope I see This world is too harsh for me to believe This is it, and it will get worse This is it and it will get so much worse So with scabbed hands I'll brush away the pain Time will rob me, again and again I stare in retrospect I can now see Another future does not wait for me You take away my joy, my sigh Wrought with new hands, this is mine Changed from what once was gold Second best settled and sold Something, you lie, to forget But you cannot forget, can't forget For all the times you stared at the ceiling The stars are here, the stars... So alone I stand in this field I'll wither here, I'll wither [Climax] This is the last sunrise I hope I see This is the last sunrise I hope I see This is the last sunrise I hope I see This is the last sunrise I hope I see ___________________________________________________ 8. yeah we're fucked 2024 edition (07/09/2024) Don't you remember the good old days The days we used to dream Of all thing things that we said we'd do And the things we'd be It just seemed so certain Its hard to forget that sometimes things Aren't meant to stay the same But it's all gone now, reduced to ashes When you moved away I worried if I'd lost something Worse than almost anything I spiraled out for months and it was worse for you But life carried on anyways Holding tears back everyday The world seemed as bad as it gets, in that moment I'd give everything to live it Again and again The worst will come when it is not in fact the end But I, I still dream of the sunsets Before it all caved in Skyscrapers still line the streets As shells of hollow concrete But at least the cars are still intact On a road having traffic long past the fact Still surprised each day They haven't gone and driven all away Feels like watching a world gone by and fail to decay But fuck it man, I'm tired Tired of thinking of how things were Wishing about how they could've been And it's all gone now, reduced to ashes Reduced to ashes The sun hurts my eyes, the sand stings my feet I'm long past caring whether I bleed There's wounds that haven't healed, there's wounds that never will And it's a bitter pill Past picking up pieces I've been shoveling dust Limping the rest away and cursing my luck Shut up about how everything sucks Yeah I know we're fucked And I'm Wondering why I'm trying Wondering why I'm trying I saw God give up, and go to bed I don't know what he said Does it matter in the end Waiting for this song to end ___________________________________________________ 9. I can't (13/09/2024) Sing softly for me As I try to sleep I can't lie here anymore These nightmares have long left my dreams Searching for new things to see Ever restless evermore Every second worsens, half-baked second verses Losing spark and losing the feeling I've watched myself grow distant taking pictures Of my fictions Fading ink from memory I've had conversations with my friends and they don't seem to think there I'm not, I'm not there I'll confess I never heard Confirmation that I'd been turned I guess it's just not brought up I stood frozen, breaks in my head I'm seeing blue I'm seeing red I haven't thought enough Trials and theory all declare Happiness happiness will never be there I'm watching from my window I can't play and sing these notes My voice shudders at the quotes I'm sitting all alone And every day gets shorter And returns to getting longer And time will pass me aside And I'll try to talk to strangers And I'll go home feeling stranger And I'll try to teach myself to cry And it's dark at 3am As I've seen again and again I can't seem to look forward to And I'll get out of bed Was it something I would've said I can't seem to think much of you And it's bright out on the highway Cars won't stop if you wait They've got much more important things to do And if you see me walking by Just know I'm alright It's like this is ever nothing new And I know I'll never take the jump I'm much too afraid of death to consider Spending forever in this state Nothing is not better So I'll just walk back home Like no place I could own And I will take my pictures And picture me alone ___________________________________________________ 10. the Computer Wars (19/10/2024) I've spent over a month staring at this shit Trying to find the ways to fix it But to no avail No avail I've spent over a month staring at this shit Fixing it's now second I just want to kill it But I can't How could you? I can't Kick me while I'm down I can't Push me down to drown I can't Force me to concede I can't Deny me everything I can't Take this broken machine away from me It sucks my blood it makes me bleed I've kicked out enough times to reread I've smashed my face enough to believe Nothing works And nothing's worse Been locked away I can't No escape I can't I've no time I can't I've no time I can't Take this broken machine away from me It sucks my blood it makes me bleed The code don't work The code doesn't fucking work The code don't work ___________________________________________________ 11. the shapeshifters dream (26/12/2024) My hands emptied their Contents on the ground I took a limp of faith I fell through the clouds My soul twisted fate My arms caressed my side I held myself so tight As the chasm opened wide I saw through the crowds I glanced at my friends They stared right through me I am a light at the end The air shifted sideways I was holding on I thought I thought of my family Scraped away and naught [Break] Clouds on the horizon A storm blew out the sun The rain covered my breath As I struggled not to run A bright flash in the distance A crawling front of flame I stood alone in shadow Consumed and yet the same The seas they rose and fell The people, spread with lies And I struggle to see... We're out of time No point in pushing forwards Guns turn to their own You can only watch You will always know [Break] The portraits all blank The mirrors painted over You try to ask him You'll never know her I was nothing else I am nothing more Dead, alone and tired I'll stay at the door I set foot in silence Breathing all in I've given up all hopes I'm leaving them calling No futures, pasts or present Nothing left to be said I took off my shoes And I got out of bed [Ambient outro] ___________________________________________________
DEMOS - 2024 LINER NOTES With my last release being a whopping two and a half years ago, and not even that good of one for that matter, it's difficult to imagine the suspense that all zero of my fans are enduring. I'm sure the void will yell back with appropriate applause, knowing that the internet is now home to *yet another* collection of unmastered, unpracticed, and poorly written songs by some amateur nobody. Huzzah, huzzah! On a more serious note, this past year hasn't been great. I've been worked myself to the bone and then further still. My life has run away from me at quite a remarkable pace, and I've been left sort of blankly staring off into the distance, quietly muttering expletives under my breath. The subject matter of a lot of these songs naturally mirrors that. This is of course in addition to my skills as a singer and guitarist (which were never quite skilly in the first place) gradually slipping away from me as I ran out of time to practice and write. Almost the songs on this list were conceived in the moment or within the span of the year. However, tracks 2, 3, 8, and 11 are actually projects that have been in development for almost four years at this point -- track 8 in particular has been *finished* for at least two years, and remains one of my absolute favourite tracks. The march of time terrifies me still somewhat. The cover is a photo I took before an exam in May/June. It went alright. If you ever hear a little section of silence where I stop playing the gitar, that's because I'm scrolling through my lyrics. I screw up lyrics in many places, as well, so if the written lyrics don't match what I'm saying, please imagine that I said what I wrote. It feels a bit weird to not dedicate this one to anyone in particular considering the number of shoutouts in the last release. I guess I'll just shout out life. Or I'll shout at life. Oh well. -Nat =================================================== 1. chairman Mao This one was a joke song. It was the day I set up my new phone, moving on from my old Huawei. For what it's worth, I was really excited with this new phone as it had almost a better spec than my old phone in every regard, and *still* it was far cheaper. In the spur of the moment I came up with the phrase "Chairman Mao, I have a new phone" in reference to the first leader of the PRC and the fact that I had a new phone. I then expanded that in silly fashion by making it sound like a sort of propaganda song. Ya know, "Without Chairman Mao, there will be no new phones" being a reference to "Without the Communist Party, There Would Be No New China". Exploiting the melancholic sound of the chords I'd settled on, I added a verse of introspection on Mao and his policies in China, how it became the state it is today, and how I think those policies have failed. ___________________________________________________ 2. tomorrow This one is an old one, written initially for an EP titled "Forest" about the end of the world. This song sits sort of in the middle of that EP, where the setting is still being set and the theme is still under construction. I used some fun images of basically representing the desertified world as one massive beach. Why? Because deserts are sad, and beaches are fun. That juxtaposition of a depressing beach results in the song taking on both a hopeful and defeatist tone. Lines about giving up are followed by lines about giving down, with the song getting more and more defeatist as it progresses. This song also contains a couple references, such as one to The Hotelier and another to a different unreleased song I'd written. ___________________________________________________ 3. one over infinity I can't remember exactly when this song's final form crystallised but I can say with relative uncertainty that it was late 2023 -- at least, for the lyrics. It's more tricky to tell with the music, but I have a suspicion that I picked up the lyrics to the song, found a half-finished recording, and decided to occupy my afternoon. It might've been even earlier than that because I am 22 now, and this song here claims I'm 20 -- fuck knows I feel sixty... "One Over Infinity" is supposed to be the opener to the prequel EP to "Forest" called "Live Forever", and revolves around a sort of loss of existence. This includes feeling isolated while alive, and feeling terrified that when you do actually die, you won't get a second shot at it. The line about me feeling nothing is reference to my weird hands turning blue the second the temperature drops below like 15 C. For some reason I also included a couple references to Moses? Who knows, man. ___________________________________________________ 4. in case i wasn't clear In 2023 I wrote a song about how silly diets are, inspired by the hack-works of Tim Noakes, Stephen Gundry, and Aseem Malhotra. To hell with the lot of them. But regardless, I consider this the sort of follow-up to that one, due to the similar subject matter dealing with, in this case, homeopathy. This was inspired in multiple phases. The first phase was by being given a [very silly] project to complete for some silly chemical: oleandrin. In discussing with a supervisor, I made a passing joke about homeopathy, whereupon, to my absolute horror, this learned and experienced industry professional proceeded to give real consideration to it. For what it's worth, homeopathy is an outdated approach to medicine that is reliant on a model that does not agree with any modern scientific theories surrounding physics, chemistry, biology, and medicine -- anyone in any STEM field should be able to reasonably see that. But this person, who I was now trapped in conversation with, and who I had assumed to be otherwise competent, was batshit insane. It also didn't help that when discussing this with some friends, someone *else* who I'd assumed previously to be competent (in the least) proclaimed that homeopathy fixed their chronic health issues. I am surrounded by morons in a place where being surrounded by morons is actually *really bad*. People who do homeopathy often also hide behind some very flimsy defenses of "oh well it's my choice". As I say in the song, "You do not deserve the money you waste" -- think of all the people whose lives have been fucked up beyond repair by some medical emergency, only for Queen Upper Class to waltz in and offer a bottle of water and sugar pills. The same sort that as soon as the homeopathy hits the fan will be the first in a private, cushy hospital bed. It's an abject, societal waste. And this is juxtaposed by the absolute beauty of human progress. Our medicine has surpassed what many were expecting during the time of John Homeopathy's existence. Our science has dazzled billions. These beautiful cathedrals that we have built, monuments to progress and health, are nothing but disdainful to the homeopaths. And that just fills me with such rage. ___________________________________________________ 5. the first sunset I was NOT having a good time. I wrote this song in a single sitting on the last day of a term in 2024. I had been working 12 hour days that saw me arrive before sunrise and leave before sunset, working in a basement that was always overheating despite it being the height of winter. This basement I reimagined like a cave, wherein the song takes place. Being exhausted normally means I get to see the worst of literally everything. The song explores loneliness and distance I was feeling between myself and my friends, who were all excelling and *living*. They saw the sun. And I lost so many weeks through this. The second section of the song imagines the lantern, my last grasp of sanity, going out. Stuck in a cave without even light lends one to give up on the immediate problems and drift rapidly to self-reflection -- like a slow-motion life-flashing-before-one's-eyes scenario. I felt I was fading, decaying, and no one was there to stop me. What's more, the time was lost permanently; so much time that I felt as if I was actually dying slowly. The last gasp of the song attempts to shrug this off with a violent, emphatic outburst -- you know, raging against the dying of the light blah blah. Wrecking myself I pushed to finishing everything -- and though I did finally get to see that last sunrise, I can't help but feel like my last line's delivery conveys defeat. That was unintentional. But now, now it is very definitely correct. I had lost. ___________________________________________________ 6. shortcuts through heaven long walks on the beach This song was a reference to how often I encountered beautiful people on my walks from my car to my basement and back. Again evoking the thoughts I'd had about people like, living their lives. Every step I took through those crowds always felt like I waws taking a shortcut through heaven, glimpsing the prospect of a better life, before being thrust right out at the other side to my reality. Originally the title "Shortcuts Through Heaven" was going to be a completely different song but I finished writing this spontaneously quickly, and thus gave it the parenthetical modification "(Long Walks on the Beach)", which is another place in which I feel like I'm taking a shortcut through heaven. I'm not very happy. As a little gem of fun I decided to include a reference to Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" in the final line of the song. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride -> These nothings break my stride. ___________________________________________________
7. the last sunrise (permanently unfinished) An unexpected companion piece to "The First Sunset", after, you guessed it, more suffering. In the same basement, no less! Given that this song is so completely incomplete, there's not really much I want to say here. It explores virtually all the same issues as "The First Sunset" with a slightly larger focus on the mechanistic aspects of my suffering this time. AS a result, there are plenty of references visible that refer to that song. The song kind of concludes that I'm just sort of doomed. "God take away my sleep / Man fuck everything" were two things I regularly said during this period when I couldn't sleep. ___________________________________________________ 8. yeah we're fucked 2024 edition This song has waaaay too much emotional investment from me to actually write out a real set of notes for it. I'll do that for whenever it's released, which at this rate will be never. Essentially, this is another song off of "Forest" that deals with the end of the world. In particular, at the time of its writing, I was dealing with intense fears of death, the apocalypse, and the loss of friends as they moved away permanently/semi-permanently. This is one of the first serious songs I'd written, and marks, in my opinion, the start of my current lyrical style. It is at least two years old, possibly even older, and likely around 4 years old if we consider the earliest, much-different incarnation of it. ___________________________________________________ 9. I can't Starting to feel a bit like a broken record here, but surprise surprise this song is about feeling isolated and alone. I can't remember what exactly spurred this song on, but judging by the lyrical content I'm assuming it was spending my week of rest of the events of "The Last Sunrise" just lying in bed, seeing no one, doing nothing. Feeling very alone. Feeling permanently alone. The song's last few verses essentially declare that I'll never kill myself because imagine if I'm depressed in heaven. Or if depression was the last thing I felt. Like man, that just sucks. So in the song I sort of resolve to keep dragging my feet along, still living life -- even if it kicks balls -- and I will suffer. This one contains dual references in the line "Like no place I could own" -- one to the Hotelier, and another to the album "Illusory Walls" by a band with a stupid name. I know it looks like I haven't said much about this song, but really, this is one of my favourites. ___________________________________________________ 10. the Computer Wars A short song about a piece of code not working. For a change, this song actually has a happy ending. About a couple weeks after said code did not work, I got it to work. Yay. Another note to make about songs like this is I actually get a kick out of being melodramatic about shit like this. I find it extremely funny in retrospect, even if in the moment I am fully serious about my predicament. ___________________________________________________ 11. the shapeshifters dream This title has existed in my notes for 4 years. That's too many years. Once more, I discuss the usuals (loneliness, depression, exhaustion), but this time with a bit gender in it because what the hell, a title like "The Shapeshifter's Dream" has *got* to have some gender in it. And to be fair, I have some gender in me, so really it's perfectly necessary. The themes are relatively straighforwardly discussed despite me setting the song in a literal dream. I feel like I kind of missed the mark on that and I could've gone more apeshit-bizarre but in the end I prefer my lyrics mroe grounded and easier to trace. The outro was weirdly conceived before the rest of the song. I just sort of pulsed my way though some chords and went "Oh wow. Wow." and then a voice at the back of my head went "Sounds very dreamy" and then I shapeshifted all over the place. And then I remembered the title. And badda-bing badda-boom. Mx Worldwide as I step in the room. I wish I was joking. ___________________________________________________
DEMOS - 2024 LYRICS SHEET
Credits:
> Nat (everything)
===================================================
1. chairman Mao (15/01/2024)
Oooo chairman Mao
I have a new Phone
Oooo chairman Mao
I have a New Phone
Without chairman Mao
There Will be no New Phone
Without chairman Mao
There will be only old phones
Chairman Mao
I have a New Phone
But at what cost
Has this been sewn
How many souls had to be Ground up
What futures have you Sent us
What traitor did you become
Your failure echoes on and on
Is this what you wanted
Chairman Mao?
And though you deserved to die
Would you be sorry now?
___________________________________________________
2. tomorrow (30/01/2024)
I used to dream of sunset beaches
Now all around me is sand
And although the seas still push against the shores
Just as it did in the days of old
There's no ships searching for land
And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland
Yeah it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland
And I used to dream I'd live forever
But I knew at some point I'd get bored
When everyday's the same for the rest of your life
Is there even a point in keeping time
Or should I rip out the cord
And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland
But believe me when I say there's gotta be something out there
I used to dream that things would get better
But found at that point I was wrong
Waking up to go sleep over and over
What's the point of tomorrow if the day before was
Just a waste of time
And it's a long way to anywhere else in this forsaken wasteland
But believe me when I say I'm not sure
Ladada da
Since I got here I've been searching for a way out
Don't we all?
And I scrambled to my feet
And ran for the door
I didn't sleep much but the dream was alright
It kept my hopes up deary but they've flown out of sight
Its all part of a future that's lost it's bite
And I know you can't hear just please sleep tight
I'm not one to normally make shit up but
There must be a reason that I've lived this long
___________________________________________________
3. one over infinity (11/02/2024)
I'm not so existential most of these nights
Its just sometimes can't help but pick a fight with myself
And if I'm being honest it's driving me insane
I'm being honest, I cannot take the pain
Pictures clearly hang the walls and yet I am alone,
These incomplete memories, archives left unseen it's so unknown
And you can take my hand and I won't feel a thing
This winter weather gets the worst of me
And you can take my feet lift them out of sand
You can split the sea but I'll still stand on the land
Cos why bother move
sometimes it feels like its pointless
no matter what i do
Pictures clearly hang the walls and yet I am alone,
These incomplete memories, archives left unseen it's so unknown
The things we leave behind they will fade to nothing
"Did I even exist" you will ask yourself and hear nothing
And it's a price we all pay
Of getting older each day
And it's a price we pay
To go insane
But I'm 20 not sixty
It's a duller existence
i have reason to believe
I'm full of insistence
Its a hand on your shoulder
Its a knife in your back
Its the terror of knowing you'll never come back
Because those pictures hang the walls
But where are yours
___________________________________________________
4. in case i wasn't clear (16/03/2024)
The sad state of it all
The world is built on sand
And I just don't understand
I don't understand
How does one believe these things
And not wonder why
Where does your mind draw the line
Where does your mind draw the line
You spit in the face of reason
And everything you believe
I don't think you deserve
Anything, anything
Consistency isn't what it once was
Science stands at the edge for a jump
Drinking plain water with a strong dose of profit
Too smart to stop believing in my own bullshit
Think of how stupid the everyman is
Realise half are more stupid than him
But who are you to say it's a matter of taste
You do not deserve the money you waste
Cast down your fired brick walls,
Your catalytic converter you drove to the store ,
The hospital who opened it's doors
To a stumbling drunkard, high off rose quartz
I know you think too much of yourself
Drunk off no booze you're tipsy with wealth
From a life of full promise demands more control
You grasp at the simple and fear the unknown
And these people are at the helm of all things
With no understanding of what this might bring
Some of the smartest you meet or might know
Seem to stumble and fall at the feet of frauds
And I've tried yelling over two or three chords
I've sent people papers and nothing will work
But someday their hand will be forced if not shorn
From their waste of an arm, a waste to us all
So cast down the lights in your home
The sense of unease of the last horoscope
For what is a future if naught but a joke
You parade your poison like asking to choke
And gran doesn't need a doctor no more
She's much better on dried leaves and agaricus spore
So they wheeled her out of those hospital doors
To die at home from probable cause
So in case you haven't killed yourself yet
Consider not wasting your life making bets
Against millions of people whose lives have been spent
Making sure that the sick doesn't break off your neck
We're in an age of enlightenment, we're the healthiest we've been
You should be proud of that, proud of humanity
We've conquered the moon, soon we'll conquer the stars
And right now we are conquering diseases and scars
So in case I wasn't clear
We've solved your dumb problems, now get out of here
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5. the first sunset (15/05/2024)
I can't see an end of...
I keep... I...
There's a tight grip around my
Chest...
And I can't seem to...
And if there's...
No, there's nothing...
My eyes have long lost their affinity for light
Now all they do is blur
The world seems to lose its bite
Their answers so curt
I see drops hang from the ceiling
They fall like dying stars
They pool in cracks and furrow away
I'm left with another scar
Just another night in mind
I dream of falling asleep
I dream of falling asleep
I hear stones fall in the distance
Their echoes shake the walls
They never let it get them down
Oh how I dream of stones
And I think back to the way things were
I'm not sure I would prefer
A different future from things I've heard
I think I might be beyond a turn
Just another night I'm tired
I dream of falling asleep
I dream of falling asleep
I've nothing left to give
And yet I have things taken from me
What will I do if I lose another fucking week
I am exhausted
I feel defeat
I feel the shadows
Lengthen to greet
I feel the last days
Slipping on by
Alone and abandoned
I'm left to try
You see everyone's running
And I tried to sprint
I missed my whole life
I've missed it since
In pools of reflection
I try force a smile
My gazes don't meet
I recoil at the trial
Yes I stand in the courtroom
Let the stalactites hear
I've lost my shadow
In the darkest of fears
That I'm being forgotten
That I'm long past goodbye
And the future is over
I'll just wait till I die
I said it's true
You asked if god was real
I said don't raise your hopes
Just to bring them to steel
And if you were a liar
Then your fictions are sweet
But if I had to choose one
It's the one where we meet
Without the hole in my side
Or the thorns in your mouth
I give you a sigh
And you just start to shout
[Quiet]
You said for all of your scars
What have you to show
It's not what I know
I'm less flesh and bone
I'll never uncover
I'll never find peace
As long as this cave
Holds both of my feet
[Loud]
And I'm kicking at pillars
And I'm stabbing at air
And I'm losing feeling
That I ever was there
I'll keep shuffling reflex
Just an image of life
Credit card debt of
The divine light
Suffer in peace they say with a grin
When they know that they'll never ask where you've been
And I've been at war with my life for a while
Was I a mistake have I gone out of style
So my bloody nails
Have dented the stone
As I whittle my fingers away to the bone
And why should I bother
Why should I care
With a fistful of earth
I grasp at the air
To watch the first sunset in weeks
And after that I'll sleep
Just to see those perfect streaks
I spent too long down here
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6. shortcuts through heaven long walks on the beach (18/05/2024)
Summer day has passed
Summer day has passed
I see faces walking by
Figured out, with a smile
Summer day has passed
Summer day has passed
Beautiful sky blue
How I wish I'd notice you
I just keep on walking by
Colour faded from mine
And I see it all the time
I never feel it at the time
I'm skipping my life
These nothings break my stride
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today I found out about the 10 000 character limit on UA-cam comments. huh.
7. the last sunrise (permanently unfinished) (30/08/2024)
I've been dreaming of all the things I've left behind
Something else is deeper on my mind
When I fall short I'll fall short a hundred times or more
But no one else can be blamed for this all
And I can't seem to find
And I can't help you this time
I staggered up I watched myself fall down again
I can feel the fog rise in my head
There's a trail of blood from a hole in the ground
I can't remember much now
And I can't seem to find
And I can't remember why
I know I've left the cave, I know what has been done
I know what I lost, I know it's gone
Too exhausted to think, too hopeless to weep
No more dreams, no more sleep
And I can't seem to find
And I wasted time this time
And I can still feel the night
And I can see the last light
[Part 2]
I'll wake on that last day
Hands full of stitches
I lay aside a cavern
a network of ditches
And I'll press the pedal down
I'm in no gear
The engine's been screaming now
I've run out of fear
God take away my sleep
Man, fuck everything
I feel so tired here
Alarm bells ring
Dreams pull me back again
For fifteen minutes
I will walk Back again
It's easy as piss
I'm watching time runout
For fifteen minutes
My hands move far too slow
For fifteen minutes
I'm thinking twice as fast
Fifteen minutes
I think I blinked and now it's
Fourteen minutes-
I have suffered and will suffer again
I am exhausted I will sleep until then
Nothing will ever
Will ever be the same again
[Part 3?]
This is the last sunrise I hope I see
This world is too harsh for me to believe
This is it, and it will get worse
This is it and it will get so much worse
So with scabbed hands I'll brush away the pain
Time will rob me, again and again
I stare in retrospect I can now see
Another future does not wait for me
You take away my joy, my sigh
Wrought with new hands, this is mine
Changed from what once was gold
Second best settled and sold
Something, you lie, to forget
But you cannot forget, can't forget
For all the times you stared at the ceiling
The stars are here, the stars...
So alone I stand in this field
I'll wither here, I'll wither
[Climax]
This is the last sunrise I hope I see
This is the last sunrise I hope I see
This is the last sunrise I hope I see
This is the last sunrise I hope I see
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8. yeah we're fucked 2024 edition (07/09/2024)
Don't you remember the good old days
The days we used to dream
Of all thing things that we said we'd do
And the things we'd be
It just seemed so certain
Its hard to forget that sometimes things
Aren't meant to stay the same
But it's all gone now, reduced to ashes
When you moved away I worried if I'd lost something
Worse than almost anything
I spiraled out for months and it was worse for you
But life carried on anyways
Holding tears back everyday
The world seemed as bad as it gets, in that moment
I'd give everything to live it
Again and again
The worst will come when it is not in fact the end
But I, I still dream of the sunsets
Before it all caved in
Skyscrapers still line the streets
As shells of hollow concrete
But at least the cars are still intact
On a road having traffic long past the fact
Still surprised each day
They haven't gone and driven all away
Feels like watching a world gone by and fail to decay
But fuck it man, I'm tired
Tired of thinking of how things were
Wishing about how they could've been
And it's all gone now, reduced to ashes
Reduced to ashes
The sun hurts my eyes, the sand stings my feet
I'm long past caring whether I bleed
There's wounds that haven't healed, there's wounds that never will
And it's a bitter pill
Past picking up pieces I've been shoveling dust
Limping the rest away and cursing my luck
Shut up about how everything sucks
Yeah I know we're fucked
And I'm
Wondering why I'm trying
Wondering why I'm trying
I saw God give up, and go to bed
I don't know what he said
Does it matter in the end
Waiting for this song to end
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9. I can't (13/09/2024)
Sing softly for me
As I try to sleep
I can't lie here anymore
These nightmares have long left my dreams
Searching for new things to see
Ever restless evermore
Every second worsens, half-baked second verses
Losing spark and losing the feeling
I've watched myself grow distant taking pictures
Of my fictions
Fading ink from memory
I've had conversations with my friends and they don't seem to think there
I'm not, I'm not there
I'll confess I never heard
Confirmation that I'd been turned
I guess it's just not brought up
I stood frozen, breaks in my head
I'm seeing blue I'm seeing red
I haven't thought enough
Trials and theory all declare
Happiness happiness will never be there
I'm watching from my window
I can't play and sing these notes
My voice shudders at the quotes
I'm sitting all alone
And every day gets shorter
And returns to getting longer
And time will pass me aside
And I'll try to talk to strangers
And I'll go home feeling stranger
And I'll try to teach myself to cry
And it's dark at 3am
As I've seen again and again
I can't seem to look forward to
And I'll get out of bed
Was it something I would've said
I can't seem to think much of you
And it's bright out on the highway
Cars won't stop if you wait
They've got much more important things to do
And if you see me walking by
Just know I'm alright
It's like this is ever nothing new
And I know I'll never take the jump
I'm much too afraid of death to consider
Spending forever in this state
Nothing is not better
So I'll just walk back home
Like no place I could own
And I will take my pictures
And picture me alone
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10. the Computer Wars (19/10/2024)
I've spent over a month staring at this shit
Trying to find the ways to fix it
But to no avail
No avail
I've spent over a month staring at this shit
Fixing it's now second I just want to kill it
But I can't
How could you? I can't
Kick me while I'm down
I can't
Push me down to drown
I can't
Force me to concede
I can't
Deny me everything
I can't
Take this broken machine away from me
It sucks my blood it makes me bleed
I've kicked out enough times to reread
I've smashed my face enough to believe
Nothing works
And nothing's worse
Been locked away
I can't
No escape
I can't
I've no time
I can't
I've no time
I can't
Take this broken machine away from me
It sucks my blood it makes me bleed
The code don't work
The code doesn't fucking work
The code don't work
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11. the shapeshifters dream (26/12/2024)
My hands emptied their
Contents on the ground
I took a limp of faith
I fell through the clouds
My soul twisted fate
My arms caressed my side
I held myself so tight
As the chasm opened wide
I saw through the crowds
I glanced at my friends
They stared right through me
I am a light at the end
The air shifted sideways
I was holding on I thought
I thought of my family
Scraped away and naught
[Break]
Clouds on the horizon
A storm blew out the sun
The rain covered my breath
As I struggled not to run
A bright flash in the distance
A crawling front of flame
I stood alone in shadow
Consumed and yet the same
The seas they rose and fell
The people, spread with lies
And I struggle to see...
We're out of time
No point in pushing forwards
Guns turn to their own
You can only watch
You will always know
[Break]
The portraits all blank
The mirrors painted over
You try to ask him
You'll never know her
I was nothing else
I am nothing more
Dead, alone and tired
I'll stay at the door
I set foot in silence
Breathing all in
I've given up all hopes
I'm leaving them calling
No futures, pasts or present
Nothing left to be said
I took off my shoes
And I got out of bed
[Ambient outro]
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DEMOS - 2024 LINER NOTES
With my last release being a whopping two and a half years ago, and not even that good of one for that matter, it's difficult to imagine the suspense that all zero of my fans are enduring. I'm sure the void will yell back with appropriate applause, knowing that the internet is now home to *yet another* collection of unmastered, unpracticed, and poorly written songs by some amateur nobody. Huzzah, huzzah!
On a more serious note, this past year hasn't been great. I've been worked myself to the bone and then further still. My life has run away from me at quite a remarkable pace, and I've been left sort of blankly staring off into the distance, quietly muttering expletives under my breath. The subject matter of a lot of these songs naturally mirrors that. This is of course in addition to my skills as a singer and guitarist (which were never quite skilly in the first place) gradually slipping away from me as I ran out of time to practice and write.
Almost the songs on this list were conceived in the moment or within the span of the year. However, tracks 2, 3, 8, and 11 are actually projects that have been in development for almost four years at this point -- track 8 in particular has been *finished* for at least two years, and remains one of my absolute favourite tracks. The march of time terrifies me still somewhat.
The cover is a photo I took before an exam in May/June. It went alright.
If you ever hear a little section of silence where I stop playing the gitar, that's because I'm scrolling through my lyrics. I screw up lyrics in many places, as well, so if the written lyrics don't match what I'm saying, please imagine that I said what I wrote.
It feels a bit weird to not dedicate this one to anyone in particular considering the number of shoutouts in the last release. I guess I'll just shout out life. Or I'll shout at life.
Oh well.
-Nat
===================================================
1. chairman Mao
This one was a joke song. It was the day I set up my new phone, moving on from my old Huawei. For what it's worth, I was really excited with this new phone as it had almost a better spec than my old phone in every regard, and *still* it was far cheaper. In the spur of the moment I came up with the phrase "Chairman Mao, I have a new phone" in reference to the first leader of the PRC and the fact that I had a new phone.
I then expanded that in silly fashion by making it sound like a sort of propaganda song. Ya know, "Without Chairman Mao, there will be no new phones" being a reference to "Without the Communist Party, There Would Be No New China". Exploiting the melancholic sound of the chords I'd settled on, I added a verse of introspection on Mao and his policies in China, how it became the state it is today, and how I think those policies have failed.
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2. tomorrow
This one is an old one, written initially for an EP titled "Forest" about the end of the world. This song sits sort of in the middle of that EP, where the setting is still being set and the theme is still under construction.
I used some fun images of basically representing the desertified world as one massive beach. Why? Because deserts are sad, and beaches are fun. That juxtaposition of a depressing beach results in the song taking on both a hopeful and defeatist tone. Lines about giving up are followed by lines about giving down, with the song getting more and more defeatist as it progresses.
This song also contains a couple references, such as one to The Hotelier and another to a different unreleased song I'd written.
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3. one over infinity
I can't remember exactly when this song's final form crystallised but I can say with relative uncertainty that it was late 2023 -- at least, for the lyrics. It's more tricky to tell with the music, but I have a suspicion that I picked up the lyrics to the song, found a half-finished recording, and decided to occupy my afternoon. It might've been even earlier than that because I am 22 now, and this song here claims I'm 20 -- fuck knows I feel sixty...
"One Over Infinity" is supposed to be the opener to the prequel EP to "Forest" called "Live Forever", and revolves around a sort of loss of existence. This includes feeling isolated while alive, and feeling terrified that when you do actually die, you won't get a second shot at it.
The line about me feeling nothing is reference to my weird hands turning blue the second the temperature drops below like 15 C. For some reason I also included a couple references to Moses? Who knows, man.
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4. in case i wasn't clear
In 2023 I wrote a song about how silly diets are, inspired by the hack-works of Tim Noakes, Stephen Gundry, and Aseem Malhotra. To hell with the lot of them. But regardless, I consider this the sort of follow-up to that one, due to the similar subject matter dealing with, in this case, homeopathy.
This was inspired in multiple phases. The first phase was by being given a [very silly] project to complete for some silly chemical: oleandrin.
In discussing with a supervisor, I made a passing joke about homeopathy, whereupon, to my absolute horror, this learned and experienced industry professional proceeded to give real consideration to it. For what it's worth, homeopathy is an outdated approach to medicine that is reliant on a model that does not agree with any modern scientific theories surrounding physics, chemistry, biology, and medicine -- anyone in any STEM field should be able to reasonably see that. But this person, who I was now trapped in conversation with, and who I had assumed to be otherwise competent, was batshit insane.
It also didn't help that when discussing this with some friends, someone *else* who I'd assumed previously to be competent (in the least) proclaimed that homeopathy fixed their chronic health issues. I am surrounded by morons in a place where being surrounded by morons is actually *really bad*.
People who do homeopathy often also hide behind some very flimsy defenses of "oh well it's my choice". As I say in the song, "You do not deserve the money you waste" -- think of all the people whose lives have been fucked up beyond repair by some medical emergency, only for Queen Upper Class to waltz in and offer a bottle of water and sugar pills. The same sort that as soon as the homeopathy hits the fan will be the first in a private, cushy hospital bed. It's an abject, societal waste.
And this is juxtaposed by the absolute beauty of human progress. Our medicine has surpassed what many were expecting during the time of John Homeopathy's existence. Our science has dazzled billions. These beautiful cathedrals that we have built, monuments to progress and health, are nothing but disdainful to the homeopaths. And that just fills me with such rage.
___________________________________________________
5. the first sunset
I was NOT having a good time. I wrote this song in a single sitting on the last day of a term in 2024. I had been working 12 hour days that saw me arrive before sunrise and leave before sunset, working in a basement that was always overheating despite it being the height of winter. This basement I reimagined like a cave, wherein the song takes place.
Being exhausted normally means I get to see the worst of literally everything. The song explores loneliness and distance I was feeling between myself and my friends, who were all excelling and *living*. They saw the sun. And I lost so many weeks through this.
The second section of the song imagines the lantern, my last grasp of sanity, going out. Stuck in a cave without even light lends one to give up on the immediate problems and drift rapidly to self-reflection -- like a slow-motion life-flashing-before-one's-eyes scenario. I felt I was fading, decaying, and no one was there to stop me. What's more, the time was lost permanently; so much time that I felt as if I was actually dying slowly.
The last gasp of the song attempts to shrug this off with a violent, emphatic outburst -- you know, raging against the dying of the light blah blah. Wrecking myself I pushed to finishing everything -- and though I did finally get to see that last sunrise, I can't help but feel like my last line's delivery conveys defeat. That was unintentional. But now, now it is very definitely correct. I had lost.
___________________________________________________
6. shortcuts through heaven long walks on the beach
This song was a reference to how often I encountered beautiful people on my walks from my car to my basement and back. Again evoking the thoughts I'd had about people like, living their lives. Every step I took through those crowds always felt like I waws taking a shortcut through heaven, glimpsing the prospect of a better life, before being thrust right out at the other side to my reality.
Originally the title "Shortcuts Through Heaven" was going to be a completely different song but I finished writing this spontaneously quickly, and thus gave it the parenthetical modification "(Long Walks on the Beach)", which is another place in which I feel like I'm taking a shortcut through heaven. I'm not very happy.
As a little gem of fun I decided to include a reference to Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" in the final line of the song. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride -> These nothings break my stride.
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7. the last sunrise (permanently unfinished)
An unexpected companion piece to "The First Sunset", after, you guessed it, more suffering. In the same basement, no less!
Given that this song is so completely incomplete, there's not really much I want to say here. It explores virtually all the same issues as "The First Sunset" with a slightly larger focus on the mechanistic aspects of my suffering this time. AS a result, there are plenty of references visible that refer to that song.
The song kind of concludes that I'm just sort of doomed.
"God take away my sleep / Man fuck everything" were two things I regularly said during this period when I couldn't sleep.
___________________________________________________
8. yeah we're fucked 2024 edition
This song has waaaay too much emotional investment from me to actually write out a real set of notes for it. I'll do that for whenever it's released, which at this rate will be never.
Essentially, this is another song off of "Forest" that deals with the end of the world. In particular, at the time of its writing, I was dealing with intense fears of death, the apocalypse, and the loss of friends as they moved away permanently/semi-permanently.
This is one of the first serious songs I'd written, and marks, in my opinion, the start of my current lyrical style. It is at least two years old, possibly even older, and likely around 4 years old if we consider the earliest, much-different incarnation of it.
___________________________________________________
9. I can't
Starting to feel a bit like a broken record here, but surprise surprise this song is about feeling isolated and alone. I can't remember what exactly spurred this song on, but judging by the lyrical content I'm assuming it was spending my week of rest of the events of "The Last Sunrise" just lying in bed, seeing no one, doing nothing. Feeling very alone. Feeling permanently alone.
The song's last few verses essentially declare that I'll never kill myself because imagine if I'm depressed in heaven. Or if depression was the last thing I felt. Like man, that just sucks. So in the song I sort of resolve to keep dragging my feet along, still living life -- even if it kicks balls -- and I will suffer.
This one contains dual references in the line "Like no place I could own" -- one to the Hotelier, and another to the album "Illusory Walls" by a band with a stupid name.
I know it looks like I haven't said much about this song, but really, this is one of my favourites.
___________________________________________________
10. the Computer Wars
A short song about a piece of code not working. For a change, this song actually has a happy ending. About a couple weeks after said code did not work, I got it to work. Yay.
Another note to make about songs like this is I actually get a kick out of being melodramatic about shit like this. I find it extremely funny in retrospect, even if in the moment I am fully serious about my predicament.
___________________________________________________
11. the shapeshifters dream
This title has existed in my notes for 4 years. That's too many years.
Once more, I discuss the usuals (loneliness, depression, exhaustion), but this time with a bit gender in it because what the hell, a title like "The Shapeshifter's Dream" has *got* to have some gender in it. And to be fair, I have some gender in me, so really it's perfectly necessary. The themes are relatively straighforwardly discussed despite me setting the song in a literal dream. I feel like I kind of missed the mark on that and I could've gone more apeshit-bizarre but in the end I prefer my lyrics mroe grounded and easier to trace.
The outro was weirdly conceived before the rest of the song. I just sort of pulsed my way though some chords and went "Oh wow. Wow." and then a voice at the back of my head went "Sounds very dreamy" and then I shapeshifted all over the place. And then I remembered the title. And badda-bing badda-boom. Mx Worldwide as I step in the room. I wish I was joking.
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