Up Close And Personal: Why I Do What I Do - Living With Depression & Autism
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- Опубліковано 6 тра 2024
- #CaptainBenzie #Depression #Autism
This was a difficult video for me to make, and even more difficult to upload and release, but it's one that I've wanted to make for a long time.
Today, I wanted to talk about what it's like living with Clinical Depression and possible Autism.
I hope this will help some of you understand me better, and I hope it will help some of you maybe understand yourself better.
Mental health is important, and I am always open to talk.
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One of the most powerful things a person can do is to become vulnerable to others. First, it demonstrates an immense amount of trust in the relationship. More importantly it allows others to become more vulnerable themselves, further deepening the relationship. (I also deal with depression).
Thank you, Benzie. You're more than a content creator. You're creating a better world.
Well done for getting this video out. Sorry to hear about the bullying at school, i can't stand bully's. You are one of the good guys and that's why I'll always watch your content. Always do your best to ignore any negative comments you may get on any social media platform. Keep being you. 🙏
This is more helpful than you know, specifically because we’re now living within a world that is rapidly changing and even feels like it’s falling apart at times. So we should all be talking about the mental health challenges we’re facing and how things we might have previously perceived as abnormal (thus making us feel bad about ourselves) are actually normal, especially when it comes to dealing with the major life challenges we are all experiencing more so today.
For example, it’s funny how you talk about little things setting you off versus big things because I’ve been noticing the same thing over the last few months. So when I’m doing stupidly simple things (ie flipping an egg, pouring hot water for tea, etc) and something goes wrong, I’m like "WTF? Are the physics of reality no longer working or am I cursed?" Why I feel this way is because these little moments are "touch points" of uncertainty that make me feel like my reality is breaking down around me because I no longer can rely upon their certainty for something seemingly so simple.
It’s funny you also talk about interruptions as well because I find so much of trying to make positive change in our lives is about trying to build up a momentum that we can maintain. But if we’re constantly interrupted (or distracted) then trying to make positive change can feel overwhelming, as you feel like you’re making one step forward but then two or three steps back. So you just give up and zone out because things feel hopeless at times. And ya as an introvert, I prefer going off and being left alone to process through my own thoughts and feelings as well.
And also like you said, while playing video games has been me saving grace in the past, I’m finding they aren’t helping as much anymore either because I’m looking for something greater internally within myself rather than externally. So I think I’m going through a major life transformation which is normally accompanied by a sense of detachment but then a later reconnection and resurgence (of which again the Hero’s Journey is a perfect metaphor for this psychological inner journey). But until I start bringing my real authentic Self back to the surface (like you are doing here) and sharing it with the world, I’ll continue to be stuck in this liminal "netherworld".
All said and done though, I think people need to start realizing that there are different ways of being human beyond what we conventionally know (ie indigenous shamans shown in the CRAZYWISE mental health documentary are a perfect example of this). Of course, unknown things that people don’t understand and thus see as abnormal, they either make fun of or attack (ie the bullying you mentioned). But with our world undergoing a massive transformation itself, due to increasing wicked problems (ie pandemic, climate change, etc), I think we all need to start giving each other (and even ourselves) a little bit more time and space to be just ourselves, rather than trying to continually stuff ourselves into the extremely tight fitting expectations of conventional society which is getting quite outdated by now.
Question: Have you noticed any changes to your behaviour during the pandemic specifically, if at all.
Just wanted to say I think it was brave of you to post this video. I do not play Eccoes myself anymore, but I’m still subscribed to your channel and enjoy your content. Keep up the good work!
What he said. Thank you.
This video resonates with me.
Having struggled with depression, and it is awful when it is at its lowest points. Took my down the path of addiction, but I’ve been able to stay on clean for a while now. Talking about what’s going on is always helpful.
As far as being on the spectrum, I’ve never have been tested though I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if I was. A lot of what you said was eerily similar to my own experiences. Remember having a psychiatrist ask me if I was once and I was completely offended at the idea. Never went back to see that her again! Not something that I care to investigate further in myself, but I’m glad you were able to face it with courage.
Thanks for this video!
3 generations of clinical depression, including a grandfather institutionalized. Thank you for this.
BTW, I don’t think I would have figured out eve echoes without your incredibly detailed tutorials.
Congratulations on getting this out! Very difficult to put yourself out there and you did it. Hope you give yourself credit for what you have accomplished with making content as I'm sure was difficult at times. Well done sir!
Thank you for sharing. I suffer from depression big time and see a therapist once a week. Your explanation of what goes on with depression mirrors mine very much - it's just I'm very subdued with my swings.
Thanks Benzie your not alone! I also have depression it's like a dark cloud that's always there, though thankfully the meds keep me level. I was also diagnosed with Aspergers later in life, in my 30s, and it explained alot about 'me'.. Im fiercely independent, very stubborn but give me a difficult challenge and I will plug away until I reach a solution.. Makes me a great scientist! Thanks for sharing your story.
This is a really brave thing, to do a video like that. Must have been difficult but you must feel better now it is out. I've got great respect for this. As you said, now you know yourself better and we are also lucky to know you better.
I've watched your vids the 1st day I played Eve Echoes. It really helped me a lot on understanding the game and the unique gameplay mechanics it has. So thank you Capt. Benzie and keep up the good work!
Great video man. I know the feeling of mental illness. I suffer from ptsd and depression and schizophrenia. Not a fun route but I survive. We all have to make it! !
Hi Benzie
I normally rarely comment on people's videos , however I just wanted you to know I really enjoy your videos and you are incredible passionate and emotional in your videos! I like that. Most of the times I thumbs up your video's even before I see it in full 😀 please keep on doing it and don't worry about any thing. Big thumbs up for you 👍 👏 👌
I truly appreciate this video. From time to time I have those moments where I shut down from the world, mentally. When I’m having a rough one, I throw the ear buds on and listen to one of your videos and it helps. Thank you and hope to see you around, Cap.
Great of you to come forward and discuss this as a very brave person: Respect Benzie 🙏
Well done for releasing this video, more people need to be honest with the challenges that we all face and it is good to hear/Know that you are not alone, each of us have something we are dealing with and we will all stand united in our common issues, Kudos to you
I have also been diagnosed with depression and have been taking an ssri for it. It helps slightly but like you said it just basically numbs the world to a level where its just only tolerable. Thank you for sharing this with the community and for talking about your experiences. I enjoy your content and I also value your insight into your situation in your life in these videos. When I see a new upload from you it makes the day a little bit brighter.
It must have taken alot to talk about something so personal. Much love!
Thank you for explaining a difficult subject and having the guts to be honest about mental health issues
Thanks for sharing Capt !
Thanks for making this video. Its comforting to hear that other people are dealing with extremely similar problems in life. Haha not that I wish it on other people but it make things easier knowing I’m not the only one. Thanks for all the amazing content!
Wow, big kudos to you for doing this!
Good on you mate for doing this upload.
Thanks for posting this video. Definitely resonates.
Hey captain. I’ve been a fan since your days of intel reports and I’ve been watching your journey since. I’ve felt your frustration at the rivals community, I’ve seen your lows and your highs, and I want to commemorate you for coming so far. Even though it was sad when you left the community, I understand why and I’m glad you’ve found greener pastures. Your journey has been quite the ride, but I’m proud of where you’ve ended up and I can’t wait to see you continue to grow. :)
I'm not a man of many words, but sometimes I have to write people how great they are. You are great. I found you through EE and I love your content about it. Nevertheless I quit playing it, because It was too time consuming. Maybe I will return. All the best for you and your wife in 2022!
That touched me, deepest respect, its always nice to see how others find ways to deal with let's call it "the gif"t. I am an Asperger. Kind of autism. since i learned this 8 years ago i can at least classify my weirdness. And also enjoy some of the features ;)
I didn't enjoy my trip to south africa..an years later i have bi-polar depression..but i went back to eve because of your video's an been enjoying the new content..i get over my depression with guns..few 100 rounds at the backyard range an I'm a happy camper..07 just have fun..an keep up the good work..the ship lore is nice with each build ..
That was an amazing video Benzie. Thank you for making this video. Your amazing.
@@captainbenzie I as well suffer from depression. It is truly amazing that you would make such a personal video. It's a different side of captain benzie that we don't get to see. I hope to see more videos about you and your life in Zimbabwe as well as all thr eve echoes content my wife will alow me to drive her crazy with.
Fly dangerous!!
👍 Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it will help people.
I quit playing eve echoes and unsub about 2 months ago but you got a resub again keep these vlogs coming man so much people can relate and its also awesome to see your side of the world at the same time .... its been like 12 years since i wanted to wanted some ones vlogs and I would like to see more vlogs from you and your wife.
I enjoy your content in that I don’t really play the game but have interest. I can enjoy the game through your experiences.
As far as the other issue what I’ve found that works is running. The runners high and chemical release increases my mood for up to 8 hours.
Also a huge amount of UA-cam influencers have similar issues. If you look at my subscriptions almost all havre put out similar videos plus add “the smoking tire” and “do it with Dan”. It’s kinda funny because I tried to start a UA-cam channel but failed because of this issue and the frustration with comments. I only had one comment and it had nothing to do with content. It has to do with a disability I have. In the end I wanted to help people but the concern about personal attacks were too much of an anxiety fear.
The reason I mention this is UA-camrs to me are brave just to exist in the public eye.
Nicely done mate 🍻
Honestly, I have been suffering from mental health issues (depression and anxiety) for many years. I'm 35 now and I still haven't gotten it taken care of, I was able to get some antidepressants prescribed but because of other situations I no longer have access to that. Also, I have a small insight into why internet comments and interaction are so much easier to work with, when we are in person we are picking up a large amount of information, body language, intonation, word choice, and various other social cues.. and with autism this can cause information overload, leading to you being unable to process your wife's kindness in real time, she'd have to say it and then let you process it... and it can be made worse if she touches you, because with autism touch sensation can cause all sorts of overload as well. Ok, I'm rambling, but I really enjoy your content and will continue being here.
I am here to tell you that you are not alone and thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one I know exactly what you mean because you just said Every thought that I ever had about it Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and keeping me Going another day You are more powerful than you give yourself credit for and that makes you the most powerful of all thank you
Keep doing it bro
You're a monolith in the eve echoes community. I see your name suggested for content and help on a regular basis in game. Thanks for the content Captain Benzie.
Thats nice that you can talk about you. Maybe at this point some people understand you more. I like your content. Thats a very nice move from you 👍
This can’t have been easy but I think you should be very proud of this one. I love your content in general but have never felt compelled to comment. Just wanted to say that you’re a very impressive individual for doing things that scare you.
I have that serotonin problem too 🤗
I deeply appreciate that you share this. Making mental health a mundane subject is something I care about... though I wouldn't want to overwhelm people with it.
I am currently undergoing a diagnosis for my autism... after 3 and a half years of waiting... yeah, the French health system is a bit slow in some areas. And autism pretty much f***ed up my life from 5 years old to 38 years old. 8 years of depression in my 30's was also rough.
On the upside, high IQ and spending an autistic 5,000-10,000 hours learning about a subject on youtube did help me acquire a bit of knowledge and skills regarding sociability. Getting involved with Mensa and with people who believe, rightly or wrongly, that they have some mental problem also helped me understand what they feel. And how they feel. And that THEY feel. Which I don't, for the most part... It's called alexithymia and it delays until almost 40 years old the realization that emotions are a thing.
Anyways... thanks for this video (and the others). And have a good evening!
Much respect for sharing. o7
Hi Ben 😊 (it's Alice from your old job) amazing you put this online, I know it must have been really difficult. I always have said those I've met so far in my life who I've found the most interesting have tended to be autistic. There's alot of people out there who can relate to this who feel super alone. (Thankyou for recommending Journey on ps4 5 years ago, it's been one of my favourites since!) All the best 😁😊
@@captainbenzie I've followed your journey since you left England! 😊😁
Yes let's catch up soon!! I'm still so jealous of how you just upped and followed your dreams and it worked out for you!
Yes I love journey and play ps4 pretty much every day 🤣
Well done again 😊
You’ve got stones mate. Respect.
i dont know if you got a dog or not. but having a dog you really bond with will really help on those low days. and start looking at the silver lining of things. like if power goes out at least its a beautiful day and your still breathing. it has helped me. one time i total my truck and i was like well at least i can still walk. and for some reason it helps take the stress away
@@captainbenzie oh dang that alone will have you in a depression. if my girl's x lived here i would just move out. i couldnt do it
For some reason I don’t understand my brain feels relief while watching this.😊👍🏿. I guess maybe I can relate.
Like you, I was born and raised in London.
Like you, I met a girl on holiday (in South America), and took a liking to her.
Like you, we got married in short order. Last November we celebrated out 35th anniversary, so there's hope for you yet.
Oh, and I like Raspberries too.
im on bullying on 7 years old until 19 years old.. and im just chill because i have my own world "Game"
I think you belong to this type of people that everyone always likes
U are a good one
👍
Big b*lls bro ❤️ Hat off. Can relate …
Secondary thoughts:
- normal is a social construct and merely the middle of the sh*t storm; we all have autistic treats in one form or another
- look up the fairly new concept of microbiome; the vast majority of serotonine strangely enough resides in our gut and so the foods we eat have a big influence on the microbes regulating it
@@captainbenzie Good man! ☺️ Took me decades to realise this… Struggling with microbiome diets myself, they are not much fun lol
Sir i really am sad and compassionate towards your problems. But really there is no need to be depressed! Just live your life fully without any tensions or stress and enjoy the beautiful nature around Zimbabwe! Also no need to worry from Bullies, they are just a load of crap on earth and will suffer later in life.
Please remember, we get life as a human only once before getting reborn as various animals for thousands of years before becoming a human again, atleast that's what the holy scriptures in India say 😅. Anyways, please stay happy and do not take any kind of stress, everything will be good with you! Our happiness is in your happiness. Stay blessed!
I think you could have fun explaining "Africa Time" to the rest of the world 😅
@@captainbenzie ua-cam.com/video/5i0kDvx1_p4/v-deo.html
@@captainbenzie keep up the good work
Oh ya, almost forgot. I absolutely love your "douche canoe" expression. Lol! Never heard that before!