So good and hard. Thank you for doing this episode. I could have really used this about 8 years ago, when I kicked my alcoholic, yet high performing husband, out after 19 years of marriage. I felt like the black sheep as the first person in my family to get divorced. And yet now I am so grateful for those struggles as I’ve become the woman I was always supposed to be. I have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage. My ex is also remarried, to a man, and we still coparent our special needs adult daughter. I just wrote about this in my book off-script: a mom’s journey through adoption, a husband’s alcoholism, and special needs parenting because I wanted other women to find hope in these lonely situations. Thank you, Jen, and guests. 💜
Valerie, How do you know when enough is enough? I have a very high functioning alcoholic husband, been together 27 years. He is still putting in the work to make me and the girls a priority, except when he doesn't, you know what I mean? Was there a tipping point? How did you know it was over?
@@elbrtue great question. For me it occurred when I felt like he was being physically aggressive and I no longer felt safe. (Literally, it was one night. He threw his phone, then his computer, and then pushed a chair over, and left. And I knew it was over. I later found Al-Anon when going through it with my son, and I wished I had that approach sooner. But you know what you know when you need to know it. I’d love to send you a complimentary copy of my book because it may offer you some hope. It’s called Off-Script: a mom’s journey through adoption, a husband’s alcoholism, and special needs parenting. Reach out to me if you’re interested. My website is VALERIE at valeriecantella.com. (Not writing out the e-mail address here in the correct format because I don’t want to get a bunch of spam, but you get the idea…)
Thank you for this. I left my pastor-husband 2 weeks before our 24th anniversary. All the words you said are truth. I wish I could have had women like you in my corner showing me the way. Thankful you have had each other.
Thank you for talking about the tough stuff. I was an IMB missionary and in an emotionally and sexually abusive marriage for 27 years. Now married to a wonderful, kind man. I love your statement that we can make new dreams!
Thank you for this. I was in a very bad marriage for over 6 years that was filled with emotional and physical abuse. Jen I am so thankful for you for introducing me to "Codependent No More" last summer. It was very eye opening to me. My divorce was different then others that he passed away before it was finalized. It was all traumatic and I can sympathize with you all.
Thank you. I am about 2 years out, you came into my world via glennon and Abby You are the 1st one to call out. There are gifts that come from divorce, there is life asked the view is good. Prior to my making the final choice to divorce, I had no idea what was going to happen, but I did. And as you say, my emotions turned on after that day, no looking back Thank you!
Thank you for normalizing this conversation. There are so many of us "good church girls" that married as mere babies. It is encouraging to see other women coming out on the other side as successful, healing adults. Love your work! I appreciate you sharing it all, even the hard parts of life. Also, Jamie is one of my favorite people too. Even though it's just the internet and not in real life. Not in a stalker way, but in a very real relatable encouraging presence way. I found my way to her after the unexpected death of my 18-year-old nephew. She navigates grief more honestly than anyone I've ever known. It's a terrible club to be part of, but it helps on hard days to read her posts and words and know that someone else gets it.
I'm sorry, but why celebrate this? These women just seem to play victim. They never share their reason for divorce. Doing so would help others know what not to do in a marriage instead they celebrate it. They seem to want all women to leave their spouses. They also promote a notion that getting married as a Christian is terrible. Jen did nothing, but brag about her marriage. Now, she joined the ranks of these two women plus Glennon Doyle who just talk about how bad the church is. "All of my problems are because of the church." The only time that people credit the church is it if it affirms what they think. Get mad at me all you want, but that previous sentence is true. These people choose certain parts of a biblical message to attack the WHOLE church.
I have now listened to no less than 40 of your podcasts Jen, and this is hands down your very best one! The three of you are absolutely amazing people. Your honesty and truth are profound. I watched Brandon's recent podcast explaining what happened from his perspective and he is amazing too. He is a victim of irresponsible people who prescribed Zanax and Zoloft without fully explaining the side-effects. It is a tragedy and it cost him his marriage and family. I am truly saddened for the two of you. Fortunately your resilience and growth has been a gift for all of us. Thanks for tirelessly staying authentic and not compromising your integrity.
Thanks so much for this. I needed it so much. I also have shut down my emotions. It started about 4yrs ago. I am hoping once the divorce is final I will be safe to let them come back. 🙏❤️
New dreams can be made. I adore this idea. It's not entirely the same, but I'm walking with my 41-year-old sister walk through becoming a widow. Knowing the idea that there can be new dreams in midlife is so helpful.
I can relate to almost every single word of this. I went through the same thing 12 years ago at the age of 46 after 28 years of marriage. Thank you so much for this! It does get so much better, but healing and gaining new insight is an ongoing process that does not have a particular end date.
After so long though, what would end a marriage? If it's infidelity, abuse, financial issues, addiction, or anything similar then I get it. The Bible also speaks against those things. I'm asking because more people should know what ends a marriage because divorce is skyrocketing. I'm sure that the rate is above 50% now. Couples get married and still say that they will stay with their spouse forever, but that is rarely the case.
😭😭😭 Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Jamie’s story sounds so so eerily similar to mine. I wrote down so many things I want to remember. When I was still in my marriage, I felt so alone, confused, and directionless. I’m so grateful to live in this world of resources, connectedness, and empathy now. God bless you all!
All of these women talk as if it is only the husband doing this. They talk all discretely about how terrible things were, but never share exactly what went wrong. It's always these women in long marriages too. After the divorce, they act as if they are vindicated and all that. Promoting divorce to other women and talking about how great it is. You know it sucks when only one side is out and people just want to believe it.
I bought a nice newlywed couple an elephant as a wedding gift for them to put in the corner of their living room. They were very grateful and said, "Thank you very much"... And I said, "Don't mention it."
Jen- if you see this can you discuss coparenting with an absent parent? My ex left us and then created a charity to financially support women in my situation. He will not use his custody or coparent with me.
Kristen. When my daughter was a student at UCI she became a member of Rock Harbor and we went also. The church was just starting up and small. Keith, Mark and Todd we the main worship team. I remember you singing in the choir. Mark was really influential in the Youth and College kids lives. My question to you is ….did you have marital problems before Mark’s horrific car accident and his brain trauma.. if not I think you should address that truthfully that was a cause of your divorce. But on another note, well done raising those 4 kiddos, they are amazing
Today is the first time I’ve ever encountered these women in any context so I listened intently.. My question to you is, weren’t you listening? It was from the very beginning. Seems your query is coming from preconceived (biased?) notions because of certain connections.
@@ellaluck5695 lol, so you heard one side and took that as gospel. Obviously, you have a bias too. You probably don't want to hear what the ex has to say. There's an old saying. There is three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
@@BeyondtheveilwithMommaG why do you only believe what the ladies say here? Have you ever heard the saying there is three sides to every story? His, hers, and the truth. Her and her ex can embellish their view of things to make them seem more credible. Someone fair would listen to each side and judge from there.
I have been almost 100% correct as I notice no spouse pictures on social media - inevitably divorce is what ends up happening. No judgement - it's just been an observation.
Thank you all the for sharing the ugly truth of divorce... I have gone thru so much of the same as a Pastor's wife who was cheating in so many ways... thank you... these words you are sharing is good for me to hear even after it has been years since we divorced... but still dealing with all the "stuff" in my head! Thank you...
Then, you divorced for the right reasons. A pastor shouldn't do that. God is against adultery. My issue is with Jen and others using this to blame the church and even men. If a guy attacked his wife this way, then I bet that one of them would call it abuse. When it comes to abuse, we only hear about stories involving women. If a man is involved then it was an issue with another guy. We hear three women give their side here a d never hear from the other parties, but everyone takes what these three say as gospel.
So good and hard. Thank you for doing this episode. I could have really used this about 8 years ago, when I kicked my alcoholic, yet high performing husband, out after 19 years of marriage. I felt like the black sheep as the first person in my family to get divorced. And yet now I am so grateful for those struggles as I’ve become the woman I was always supposed to be. I have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage. My ex is also remarried, to a man, and we still coparent our special needs adult daughter. I just wrote about this in my book off-script: a mom’s journey through adoption, a husband’s alcoholism, and special needs parenting because I wanted other women to find hope in these lonely situations. Thank you, Jen, and guests. 💜
Valerie, How do you know when enough is enough? I have a very high functioning alcoholic husband, been together 27 years. He is still putting in the work to make me and the girls a priority, except when he doesn't, you know what I mean? Was there a tipping point? How did you know it was over?
@@elbrtue great question. For me it occurred when I felt like he was being physically aggressive and I no longer felt safe. (Literally, it was one night. He threw his phone, then his computer, and then pushed a chair over, and left. And I knew it was over.
I later found Al-Anon when going through it with my son, and I wished I had that approach sooner. But you know what you know when you need to know it. I’d love to send you a complimentary copy of my book because it may offer you some hope. It’s called Off-Script: a mom’s journey through adoption, a husband’s alcoholism, and special needs parenting. Reach out to me if you’re interested. My website is VALERIE at valeriecantella.com. (Not writing out the e-mail address here in the correct format because I don’t want to get a bunch of spam, but you get the idea…)
Thank you for this. I left my pastor-husband 2 weeks before our 24th anniversary. All the words you said are truth. I wish I could have had women like you in my corner showing me the way. Thankful you have had each other.
Thank you for talking about the tough stuff. I was an IMB missionary and in an emotionally and sexually abusive marriage for 27 years. Now married to a wonderful, kind man. I love your statement that we can make new dreams!
Thank you for this. I was in a very bad marriage for over 6 years that was filled with emotional and physical abuse. Jen I am so thankful for you for introducing me to "Codependent No More" last summer. It was very eye opening to me. My divorce was different then others that he passed away before it was finalized. It was all traumatic and I can sympathize with you all.
Thank you. I am about 2 years out, you came into my world via glennon and Abby
You are the 1st one to call out. There are gifts that come from divorce, there is life asked the view is good.
Prior to my making the final choice to divorce, I had no idea what was going to happen, but I did. And as you say, my emotions turned on after that day, no looking back Thank you!
Thank you for normalizing this conversation. There are so many of us "good church girls" that married as mere babies. It is encouraging to see other women coming out on the other side as successful, healing adults. Love your work! I appreciate you sharing it all, even the hard parts of life. Also, Jamie is one of my favorite people too. Even though it's just the internet and not in real life. Not in a stalker way, but in a very real relatable encouraging presence way. I found my way to her after the unexpected death of my 18-year-old nephew. She navigates grief more honestly than anyone I've ever known. It's a terrible club to be part of, but it helps on hard days to read her posts and words and know that someone else gets it.
I'm sorry, but why celebrate this? These women just seem to play victim. They never share their reason for divorce. Doing so would help others know what not to do in a marriage instead they celebrate it. They seem to want all women to leave their spouses. They also promote a notion that getting married as a Christian is terrible. Jen did nothing, but brag about her marriage. Now, she joined the ranks of these two women plus Glennon Doyle who just talk about how bad the church is. "All of my problems are because of the church." The only time that people credit the church is it if it affirms what they think. Get mad at me all you want, but that previous sentence is true. These people choose certain parts of a biblical message to attack the WHOLE church.
Church does terrible things to what would otherwise be happy and healthy human beings.
I have now listened to no less than 40 of your podcasts Jen, and this is hands down your very best one! The three of you are absolutely amazing people. Your honesty and truth are profound. I watched Brandon's recent podcast explaining what happened from his perspective and he is amazing too. He is a victim of irresponsible people who prescribed Zanax and Zoloft without fully explaining the side-effects. It is a tragedy and it cost him his marriage and family. I am truly saddened for the two of you. Fortunately your resilience and growth has been a gift for all of us. Thanks for tirelessly staying authentic and not compromising your integrity.
Thanks so much for this. I needed it so much. I also have shut down my emotions. It started about 4yrs ago. I am hoping once the divorce is final I will be safe to let them come back. 🙏❤️
New dreams can be made. I adore this idea. It's not entirely the same, but I'm walking with my 41-year-old sister walk through becoming a widow. Knowing the idea that there can be new dreams in midlife is so helpful.
She was also a Baptist preacher's wife and lost a big part of her identity.
This was so important to hear. Thank you for your vulnerability and realness.
Isn't it interesting how we were never taught or even encouraged to have boundaries growing up?
Nope! Say yes to everyone and everything and be more like Jesus when u do!
"Groomed to protect men" - that part
men are the worst, as a man I see that all the time.
I can relate to almost every single word of this. I went through the same thing 12 years ago at the age of 46 after 28 years of marriage. Thank you so much for this! It does get so much better, but healing and gaining new insight is an ongoing process that does not have a particular end date.
After so long though, what would end a marriage? If it's infidelity, abuse, financial issues, addiction, or anything similar then I get it. The Bible also speaks against those things. I'm asking because more people should know what ends a marriage because divorce is skyrocketing. I'm sure that the rate is above 50% now. Couples get married and still say that they will stay with their spouse forever, but that is rarely the case.
My favorite comment in this podcast is "We were groomed to protect men". You are all awesome women!
I have now watched this podcast 3 times!
😭😭😭 Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Jamie’s story sounds so so eerily similar to mine. I wrote down so many things I want to remember. When I was still in my marriage, I felt so alone, confused, and directionless. I’m so grateful to live in this world of resources, connectedness, and empathy now. God bless you all!
All of these women talk as if it is only the husband doing this. They talk all discretely about how terrible things were, but never share exactly what went wrong. It's always these women in long marriages too. After the divorce, they act as if they are vindicated and all that. Promoting divorce to other women and talking about how great it is. You know it sucks when only one side is out and people just want to believe it.
I bought a nice newlywed couple an elephant as a wedding gift for them to put in the corner of their living room.
They were very grateful and said, "Thank you very much"...
And I said, "Don't mention it."
Thanks so much for sharing this. I am needing it. 🙏❤️
I love this series theme
thank you so much for this
This is so good, thanks for sharing. Commenting to point out 43 mins 30 seconds watch the plant behind Jen 😂 thumbs up if you see it too!
What was it? Was it edited out??
@@srenae724 okay, I went back and looked. min 45:56 is the exact second that a piece of Jen's plant falls at the base!
Thank you for this.
Jen- if you see this can you discuss coparenting with an absent parent? My ex left us and then created a charity to financially support women in my situation. He will not use his custody or coparent with me.
Kristen. When my daughter was a student at UCI she became a member of Rock Harbor and we went also. The church was just starting up and small. Keith, Mark and Todd we the main worship team. I remember you singing in the choir. Mark was really influential in the Youth and College kids lives. My question to you is ….did you have marital problems before Mark’s horrific car accident and his brain trauma.. if not I think you should address that truthfully that was a cause of your divorce. But on another note, well done raising those 4 kiddos, they are amazing
Today is the first time I’ve ever encountered these women in any context so I listened intently.. My question to you is, weren’t you listening? It was from the very beginning. Seems your query is coming from preconceived (biased?) notions because of certain connections.
Minute 35...no excuses
@@ellaluck5695 lol, so you heard one side and took that as gospel. Obviously, you have a bias too. You probably don't want to hear what the ex has to say. There's an old saying. There is three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
@@BeyondtheveilwithMommaG why do you only believe what the ladies say here? Have you ever heard the saying there is three sides to every story? His, hers, and the truth. Her and her ex can embellish their view of things to make them seem more credible. Someone fair would listen to each side and judge from there.
“Oh wait I’m 46…Bwaahaaahaaa
Oh ya..
I have been almost 100% correct as I notice no spouse pictures on social media - inevitably divorce is what ends up happening. No judgement - it's just been an observation.
Divorce is not of God ! The impact is because God doesn’t approve! How about you learn to let God steer your life ..
This is seriously disturbing. Solipsism epitomized. Gross.
Thank you all the for sharing the ugly truth of divorce... I have gone thru so much of the same as a Pastor's wife who was cheating in so many ways... thank you... these words you are sharing is good for me to hear even after it has been years since we divorced... but still dealing with all the "stuff" in my head! Thank you...
The stuff is AWFUL!!
Then, you divorced for the right reasons. A pastor shouldn't do that. God is against adultery. My issue is with Jen and others using this to blame the church and even men. If a guy attacked his wife this way, then I bet that one of them would call it abuse. When it comes to abuse, we only hear about stories involving women. If a man is involved then it was an issue with another guy. We hear three women give their side here a d never hear from the other parties, but everyone takes what these three say as gospel.