The Cheating Husband / Wife: What every couple should know
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- Опубліковано 11 вер 2024
- 29 FREE ARTICLES ON INFIDELITY AND RECOVERY:
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Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is a Licensed clinical Psychologist of over 45 years and is a best selling author of many books on marriage including "His Needs, Her Needs: An Affair-proof Marriage" and "Surviving an Affair." His expertise on the subject of infidelity is the result of helping thousand of couples through the challenging process of restoring their marriage into a relationship that both the husband and wife enjoy.
Visit the Marriage Builders® website for more information.
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"some people think im being paranoid and there is infidelity around every corner.... THERE IS!" you are 100% correct my friend i wish i would have discovered your work and website in august of 2010 when i married the most wonderful woman I have ever met 11 years later and now all the love busters and that negative love bank account and both of us having an affair its like trying to crawl back out of the pits of hell it self... thank you for all your content honestly the amount of information on your website could sale for thousands of dollars but truth is its invaluable thank you again
this channel does not have the subs it deserves thank you so much for all your content doctor
The thing i appreciate the most about this approach is he gives you a realistic time line of 2 years minimum and ACTUALLY WORKING if only one spouse is working this program it will fail trust me im in the middle of going through it with my WS and shes fighting it like hell there is no point in trying something like this if both partners arent on board its just going to cause the one putting the work in to get frustrated build resentment and we all know how resentment brings out the TAKER in us... But I can not thank you enough Dr Harley this is the best affair recovery/ marriage strengthening program I have seen to date God bless you and your wife
if marriage is a legal contract in front of the law. Affairs should be considered a breach of contract punishible by law.
Great idea - I guess the only recourse is DIVORCE, and you take half the assets ?
I agree!
No fault divorce is sad....l
Interesting. Thank you for the video. My mother who was 96 when she died told me at an early age that breaking trust in a relationship was like having a crack in a coffee cup. You can forgive but you can never forget the break in the trust. Regarding the cup....you can continue to use the cup, but every time you pick it up you will remember because that damn crack never went away. I guess that is why the greatest thing beyond love is trust. Once it is broken, it is broken. Only my thoughts...
Interesting. The difference between a cheater and a man who has more than one wife, is honesty. The cheater pretends to be monogamous, while living a lie, whereas the man with two or more wives, is up front about his desire to take another wife, and makes sure that she is compatible with his existing wives.
Affairs always started with conversation or emotional connection to other person instead of your spouse... We really need to protect our emotions against the opposite sex, only share it to our partner,.intimately.
But there are spouses who don't care. Hence cause affairs.
Correct. And if your spouse won't take that seriously then you need to give them a week tops to get their shit together. Because that's how serious it is.
I've lost children, and I've been cheated on, and let me tell you, the loss of a child, nothing can, or will, ever compare to that loss.
I am so sorry for your LOSES. Am sure this guys motives are genuine, but damn! Guy, read the room!!
It is the worst thing that happened to me. I lost my only Son and one week later found out that my husband was cheating on me. It is over a year and am still not yet over it. But am trusting God that He will heal my broken heart.
Peris Kariti
i am moved by what you wrote.
As a man, I have lost my partner to betrayal and then my baby boy to parental abduction, and my career to firing.
@@Onlinesully hope u get up and hv ten times what u used to hv
Silent Lessons
doesn't really work that way
everything that this man said is 100% accurate.
when I got cheated on I was literally traumatized by it! Every night or every 2 to 4 hours I would severely cry my eyes out even if I was out shopping or hanging with mates, it didn't matter where or what I was doing I had to have my 10 to 15 minutes of crying. The heart ache was so intense at times I wanted to end my life. Infidelity is the worstest experience that would happen to someone.
Rachel Perese -agreed
Rachel Perese i feel your pain. Its worst than death
What on earth was so traumatic about it? Why do you set your expectations so high? You did this to yourself!
If you knew your own worth then you would not want to kill yourself over another person. The infedility was not the problem. The problem is your lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and for living in a fantasy and not reality. People make choices. The only way it could hurt is if you feel somehow a victim when you are not a victim. You decide how to feel and process life's experiences.
You have to learn to move on and celebrate the opportunity to be free of someone who you feel unhappy with due to a choice they made. If you feel so bad that you want to kill yourself, then you do not love yourself so you cannot love another. Love starts within not from the outside.
@@zaheerheendricks5982 100% correct..
I am 64. When I was 41 my husband came home. He told me he didn't love me and was leaving. We had been married 20 years and had 10,16 and 19 year old children. I was DEVASTATED! I knew he was acting differently but I just thought he was "going through something!" I tried to talk to him and help him but he was distant to me. After he moved out. I found out he left me for his mistress he'd been seeing for a year. I cried for years. It has changed me forever. That was 23 years ago. It still affects me. 😢I don't trust ANY MAN! I have never felt "good enough" since. My two younger ones at that time (both are girls) were especially heartbroken. They had no more daddy coming home. My son was 19 and was already living elsewhere. He wasn't as affected as my little girls. 😢 We were both Christians. He left Jesus and me. I heard from my children that he's now very sad and regretful of what he did. He's now 65. Please please don't do this to your spouse.
God Bless you, Ma'am.
@@courtneykirk478 Thank you sweetie. ❤️
@grateful1929...I'm so sorry this happened. And I'm sorry this affected you so many years later. Can I ask, were you able to meet someone new and remarry? I often wonder what my future holds. Thanks for sharing.
@@grateful7785 I did meet someone and we were married for 8 years. We are not divorced. It was mostly me even though I was a good, caring wife. I just couldn't trust him. I am okay but I miss him but I'm better by myself. My granddaughter lives with me. I raised her. She has Asperger's. It's VERY HIGH functioning autism. She's a blessing.
infidelity is the most cruel and evil betrayel to damage a person, spiritual rape.
They said it worse than murder
I'm the victim of several affairs that my wife had in the past but just recently admitted to them. Last year, I suffered a massive hemorrhagic stroke and two brain surgeries. The revelation of the affairs injured more than the stroke and surgeries. We're trying a good Christian counselor but this is going to be very difficult to overcome. I absolutely agree that infidelity should be a crime. I serve seven years in the United States Army where cheating on your spouse was a criminal offense. You are spot on about the amount of pain this causes the betrayed spouse.
I am so paranoid my man will cheat on me even though so far my man hasnt cheated yet
Phillip. "What you allow is what will continue"- Eleanor Roosevelt
Phillip Dean r
Phillip Dean i agree with you. Im alone with 2 boys and find men disgusting. Hope you feeling better. Im usingy sons social media account.
Phillip Dean U got that right
I was also cheated for 11 years good years. We were married for 18years with three kids. It was a very horrible pains in my Life. But I thank God, I am no longer with him again. We are finally divorce. And I am more than happy now in my Life. I can imagine what others are going through. It is a very terrible time in my Life.
I think a law making infidelity a crime is the right way to go the way it destroys families and the children involved
Not gonna happen, unless you properly define infidelity the way Scripture defines it. Husbands are unfaithful when they divorce one of their wives, unless that wife has been unfaithful by going to bed with another man.
I believe in some states now you can sue your spouses lover.
I have seen various stats on the percentage of infidelity from 14% to 40% but not as much 60% as this guy suggest.
Yup might keep the 3rd parties at bay. Shame them like in the days of old.
@@JohnSmith-vy4lh that is a great idea. There used to be laws about even falsely saying you would marry someone, we have gone down some very immoral roads.
@@ThePossumone It's not by chance morality has diminished.
The global elites used change agents in the mass media that they own to bring our mentality down.
It is all to do with the messianic prophecies.They believe that the world has to be evil before the messiah will returns.
I been saying this for years. There should be laws against infidelity. Yes! Yes! Yes! This man gets it Yes Lord.
That depends on how you define infidelity. If they threw everyone in jail who had a wife and a girlfriend, they would have to throw half of Congress in jail! That ain't gonna happen. The way Scripture defines infidelity, is different for men than for women. Men: Divorce = unfaithful....Women: Fornication = unfaithful
SpiritualLifeCoach43
I was hit by it and it's not nice.
Though I'm not sure what laws would achieve.
I lost my son 2 years ago when he was 3 years old.. Last year I found out a lot of things about my husband.. He hasn't admitted to any infidelity but I think he has at some point.. I can't agree that cheating hurt more then losing my son. That by far has been the worst.
He has not! If he were unfaithful, he would have divorced you, but since he is still your husband, he is still being faithful to you. Sorry about the loss of your son!
@@danieldeluca4936 you do not know. If she has that suspension, it is probably her intuition. I'm sorry about the loss of your son and I am sorry about the pain you are experiencing in your marriage. I hope you heal and find happiness.
I don't think he is saying it is THE Absolute all-time worst thing for everyone, but instead, ONE OF the Absolute worst things, as reported by the vast majority of his patients. I'm sure it also depends on how betrayed & blindsided a person is by the betrayal, and probably how in-love with/ or dedicated to their straying spouse are at the time of the betrayal.
I've known people who really didn't care much, were even relieved so they could get out of the marriage. So no, it's not the worst pain for everyone, but clearly it is a stunning, painful blow to most.
Very sorry for the loss of your dear child. 🙏👼
Seriously??
Did you neglect him? Did you stop flirting with him? Showing him desire daily? Making love? Be honest with yourself. Not saying he's not guilty. But you very well might be to blame.
The worst infidelity is when he/she claims to love you only, and you're the only one for him/ her, yet has no problems looking at other women/men.
Is that love? I call it hypocrisy!! Especially when the guilty party proclaims to serve God.... Its really sad how we lowered our standards and believe that God is ok with it...
That is something my husband would say, exact words... God is not ok with any sin, drinking, stealing, envy ect. Cheating doesn't in all cases mean the cheater doesn't love their partner, but all cases are different. Infidelity can happen for many countless reasons and sometimes the cheaters don't know why, but still want to stay with their partner.
Monica Ada. *Looking*? That’s your problem? Really?
So, he should just be honest and tell you that he loves you and another woman!
As long as the other woman is not another man's former, current, or future wife, there is NOTHING wrong with looking at her, but he probably ought not to claim that you are the only one for him.
LOOKING at the opposite sex is normal, healthy and unavoidable
This is very eye opening. Our human nature is to be selfish not seek the best interests of a spouse. Obviously marriage requires constant vigilance. Know you're vulnerable and take precautions.
My ex husband had several affairs and that was it for me...done. couldn't get past it. If he was that comfortable lying and deceiving me then he will do it again. Besides, I dont want the thought in my head every time he gets a text or goes out. I'd rather be alone than with a husband that betrayed me
healthnut
guess we all got to make our own decisions on this
Richard N. Richmond
too late
I just found out my husband cheated on me again. I am in so much pain I can't even express it. I don't know what to do with all this anger and pain 😪 I just want to take my daughter and disappear. Heartbreak is truly the worst. I will never get in another relationship. Hurts too much 😓💀
I feel your pain. I found out my husband cheated on me in December (this is the 3rd time he's cheated during our 8 years together) and I am still not able to "move on". I am so incredibly hurt and betrayed. I wish you the best of luck with getting through your situation.
TopKN0T are you still with him?
Yes, I chose to forgive one last time. We have two children together. He (like many cheaters) has said that he has "changed". We will see how that turns out. I will give him the benefit of the doubt. In the meantime, without him needing to know, I am focusing on myself and making sure I have my feet on the ground (financially, career wise, etc) in case we don't end up working out. At least I can leave this relationship knowing I tried everything I could to make it work.
TopKN0T I feel the same way. We just bought a house, and we have a 4 year old daughter. I have chosen to try one last time, but on my terms. He thinks we can just get past it and move on like most men do. HELL NO.. He is going to start from the bottom up. It's my way or the highway. I will pray for you, because I know the pain and doubt that lives inside you everyday.
***** I am starting to feel that way as well. I thought I could get thru this but the more time that passes I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't love him the way I once did. I get sick when I look at him. I can't sleep at night. I have no sense of security. Damn so much invested in this.
He is correct…it was the MOST PAINFUL experience of my life! It ended 1 year ago & I’m in just as much pain as 1 yr ago…therapy, support group, etc…
My wife had an affair with a guy that lives one street over from us, late at night she said she visited her girl friend, but she was going to him, I trusted her because I believed she loved me and she didn't show any signs she would ever do anything like that. It took a close friend of mine to talk me in to having her followed, I postponed this for nearly a year because I didn't want to know but I eventually did. I discovered her at his home in the wee hours of the morning, so many pieces came together. It blindsided me, it has been the most devestating experience of my life. I agree with this man speaking. It is indeed the worst possible thing you can do to someone who loves you
Brianna Watkins my husband too slept with the neighbour. She was married thrice and all men were married before and die after marrying her. Shes going to the pits of hell.
@@zaheerheendricks5982 Yeah! Proverbs warns us about the adulterous woman, and Jesus pointed out, that it really doesn't matter if she is divorced....it's still adultery.
zaheer heendricks so this woman is also widowed three times ? That cause fir concern , don’t you think ?
I lost my first born at 6 months pregnant, he blessed me with 31 minutes. I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I have also been cheated on twice, both times hurt, but NEITHER time did the pain compare to losing my child.Not even close.
I don't understand women. One minute it's "the baby isn't a human, my body my choice". Then it's "there's no greater pain that losing my child". Which is it?
Cheating is wrong! No one deserve that. May god bless all couple. Always be honest to one another and faithful:) Peace, Love, & Respect always xoxoxo
May God bless all those godly polygynous households out there as well!
We Somali people have a proverb says,there were three friends who where together in journey,when they reach a point of separating the Water said you find me where you see it raining or lake,the Fire said you find me any burning place,The Trust said don’t leave otherwise you will never see me again.
For generations, men have believed that they can cheat on their wives because the wives have had no choice but to stay due to financial dependence.
Ladies, speaking as an attorney of 35 years, here's my advice: Earn your own money. Never be financially dependent on any man. Always be prepared to support yourself and your children. I was widowed at a young age with 3 kids. Even with life insurance and savings, without my own ability to earn a good living, my kids would have suffered substantially.
Earn your own money.
Nellphd How about playing on the team instead of always wanting to be the coach?
Nellphd bullshit feminist doctrine!!!
It's complicated. But that's not "why" men cheated back then (*because women worked at home/raising kids... didn't have a career). Cheating is a temptation, its forbidden fruit. It's a physical urge one chooses to control or not-- like anything else (which is his point in this talk, to protect your marriage relationship).
More men cheat now on their working/business traveling wives than ever before (as Do women).
No offence to your line of work, as we need good lawyers, but the field of Family law is a disgrace to the family. It has done more to damage children on every level-- especially A-bombing the relationship between their parents, killing the desire of Co-parenting/ getting along after the divorce is final.... than anything else.
We all know Lawyers make more money when people are fighting (and bad family law lawyers fan those flames with precision ....)
not when people are getting along and form a consensus. The destruction this creates lasts for generations and generations.
This Toxic feminist narrative is exactly why our world is torn apart at the core. Absolutely horrible disgusting anti christ blathering
"for generations no one was happy and no good marriages existed and women literally lived in handmaidens tale"
Wrong. All previous generations were largely Christian, and people had values they adhered to. That's not the case anymore.
Men today have to work 10x than their grandfathers did for women that are 100x worse than their grandmothers were.
And your advice to tell women to make their own money is also destructive because now women will be career boss girls instead of stay at home moms as they should be. Kids will be stuck in daycare while the mom burns herself at the expense of the marriage.
Women get more welfare than all classes of people combined. They get food stamps, healthcare, diversity hires, affirmative action, scholarships and grants, constant simping to by every media, government, judicial, educational and mega corporate institution that exists.
Women are hopelessly dependent on a world men built for the benefit of women - infrastructure, technology, public services, security, prosperity, economic growth, business, productive enterprise, transportation, resources, etc.
You're backing yourself up into your own bullshit so bad the truck got stuck.
The pain from infidelity, this man described it to the Te... However, I would never want to experience the loss of a child... That has to be far worse!!
I'm still recovering from my husband's porn addiction.. I got so depressed, PTSD, suicidal, I really struggle to feel safe all the time 😞 what I don't get though is that it doesn't affect some people as much me 🤷
IF you had a beloved pet (dog) and one day out of the blue it turned on you or one of your children, could you ever trust that 'beloved pet' again? I doubt it very much, the trust has gone.
Nope. I divorced my cheating spouse 21 years ago. Every year, on the anniversary of that divorce, I want to send that ******* a card that says "Happy 21st"- As far as the Heavens are from the Earth is the proximity I want to this person. For me, if they turn, they're gone. No if's ands or buts- GTFO
OK, this video has NOTHING to do with turning on you. This is about unmet expectations that are in some cases unreasonable.
@@frankday6422 GT*O???? OK, I understand if your wife slept with another man, divorce her, but be Christlike about it.
Anyone who has read and genuinely followed his advise in his books will surely see how transformative his guidance really is on a personal level. He is truly enlightened when it comes to marital relationships.
Oksana Badanina these teachings are so wonderfully hopeful
Then why in the 30 plus years that his books have been in print, have there been no long term studies to determine if his advice actually works? You would think that if they did, he would be glad to point to the evidence!
The pain from infidelity is more painful than the death of a child because the child didnt die to be selfish and deceitful.
Therein lies the difference in the pain.
He's the only guy who actually talks sense and gives real, practical advice.
ALL othee marriage resources I've seen are pure bullshit telling you to be a doormat and just live in misery with a spouse who won't fulfill their vows. It all tells you to keep pulling your weight while they refuse to pull theirs.
This guy speaks the truth and he gives the only good model for marriage I've ever seen.
My wife had an affair 24 yrs ago and not a day goes by that I haven’t thought about it. It has devastated my mind all this time and always will. I have forgiven her but it has done its damage. It’s a forever scar and I always wonder if it happened again between then and now. I love my wife but this has negatively impacted everything sacred in a marriage. The memories of the pain are there during intimate times and especially when I’m alone. This guy is point on about the tragic mental impact. I wish everyone else suffering from this betrayal much luck.
I'm so stop sorry you stayed in that marriage I'm sure that you didn't know 24 years after the fact that you would be so devastated it's not too late to divorce her
ProudPapa 38
In my opinion you did the right thing.
Do everything you can to live with the scar.
I can honestly tell you that I wish I had done what you have after an even worse experience.
Did you know about it 24 years ago? Or have you just recently found out that it happened 24 years ago? ,
My wife cheated on me. We have our problems, but I’m still in love with her. I’m crestfallen over this, but want to heal our marriage. She’s worth it and I’m willing to work together to restore our family.
hope you have success with your marriage, she is worth fighting for
Leave her or you'll regret it.
If she cheated, she's not worth it. She put a spell on you dude. I feel sorry for you. Snap out of it and leave her behind in the bed she made. Force her to lie in it.
yes, ive never felt this pain in my life. I just want to heal, and be happy again. He says I have to heal and trust him, but he has never changed the way he treated me during the affair, its the same. The feeling when he starts fights over the dumbest things still, no matter how good things are going, tell me he will never change. As a person in love they abuse us even after the affair, knowing we will take them back. I have left him for the 100th time, this time...its over! He needs to simply go away and leave me alone. I will heal, and I never want to feel this pain again as long as I live. I just need to realize that not all men are like him, as I never want another man to suffer over the abuse he put me through. I am so happy i see a theripst again starting next week. I will love and be loved, and I will get over the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life...
Tami Marie Scott -narcissist?
Tami's Nomadic RV Life stay strong and learn to love yourself AND DON'T YOU DARE GO BACK TO HIM. Good Luck and God Bless You.
Don't fight him! It takes two people to have an argument, and Scripture tells us that one of those two, is supposed to submit!
Lol u funny
this is why i am going to try so hard to become a marriage and family counselor. i want to help women like ya'll or at times men. I want to save people and help them heal. i hope God heals you all.
Rosaura Trevino Thank you, I really hope my pain go away😭😭😭
I cheated and my marriage DIED!! Grow up people,just because we have freedom doesn't mean we are free to ruin others!!!
I am sorry but nothing....NOTHING on this earth is more painful then losing a child...nothing.
I have lost a baby.. and its really painful but there is comfort that God has taken them and is looking after them safely in heaven. Boy 14 years later, my dear husband had an affair with a psycho and oh my God, im just a dead person walking. Im so so drained and the pain is so excruciating i have cried almost everyday for the past 16 months. Time doesnt heal at all ...there is no pain like this. I so believe in forgiveness but i guess im going straight to hell coz im failing to forgive. The worst part is Jesus appeared to me and asked me to forgive my stupid husband but ooh i need a heart transplant.
@@mwanawapauro2944 true, as painful as it us to loose a child, it's a lost , a pain that was not created, caused, by someone that u trusted, & is supposed to love u!
@@mwanawapauro2944 No! You need to look into polygyny! Monogamy is NOT a biblical requirement, and forcing your husband into it, is like forcing a square peg into a round hole. Just make sure he understands that married, divorced and engaged women are off limits, and seek God for a godly sister wife to enter your lives!
@@danieldeluca4936 but then I never forced him into monogamy. HE married me, promising to forsake all, queens or not, but he couldn't. I never forced him to marry me and im not one to force someone to love me. Both him and I went into marriage union/ Sacrement freely knowing the terms. As soon as he realised that i wasn't enough for him nor the one, he should have let me know and would have divorced him so he could have been single and sleep freely with every Kimberley and Michelle or even Daniel. The fact that i have been thinking I had a life partner, leaking life long decisions including him, whilst he knew our children and I meant nothing in his future is what infuriates me. Not forgetting the STDs and hic that he could have given me. So please get that right...I never stopped Jim from having lots of women..It's the way he did it....putting our children in danger with that psycho who followed me every where...remember the case of Sadie Hartley? If not please Google her. Any woman who has sex with a married man knowingly is a witch
LilSparrow
I know
I've been through the reality of the person I trusted most in the world betraying me .
I had no idea !!!
He and an old friend had been talking for months behind my back and while
he was out of town visiting his sick mother.
Him and his affair partner planned to meet and ended up spending the night together.
To boot his affair partner was claiming to be a friend of mine and made me look as if I was crazy. It helped that my partner disclosed my deepest secrets and insecurities.
She used everything he gave her to destroy me. Will I ever heal ?
I did some things last summer that has really hurt the love of my life, since then shes still dealing with the pain my actions and lies have caused her. Its stupid to say I didn't mean to cause her that much pain, but the truth is I never have wanted to hurt her. I love her and want us to be happy together for the rest of our lives. Videos like this remind me what a treasure I have in her
Something that angers me, everybody thinks only men cheat, which in a lot of cases is true but I assure you WOMEN CHEAT ON MEN TOO
Who thinks that?
Yeah unfortunately I understand that all too well. 😢😭
30 wonderful years of marriage,so I thought ended in infidelity.... I agree it is so painful,I don’t know how to live without him. I don’t understand why this happened
I lost my first husban in an accident was traumatic but I maried again and he had an affair this was worse no words to describe it infidelity is horrifying it's a horror story
Although I can see where he is coming from, I don't think Infidelity should be a law. Yes, it may hurt the betrayed spouse, but it is life. A death of a close friend or family member is equally as painful, as well. They are both a part of life. It will take some time to get over because you have lost that person, but you gain strength in yourself and become more independent.
Infidelity also includes ..talking .. sharing n not being sensitive enuf not to keep thinking n mentioning about ur dead husband or wife..infront of ur new spouse.
I strongly believe emotional infidelity is the worst kind of infidelity.
I've been robbed, assaulted, in car accidents, disowned at times by family, but I agree the thing that has hurt the most was infidelity. The sad thing is the guy made her believe he cared, and so she felt used and I was hurt. I agree it should be illegal, he would be less likely to do what he did and guys like him had he had some kind of negative repercussion, but instead he gets off Scott free why our lives fall apart.
I can see your point, but infidelity can lead to suicide, and being robbed, assaulted, and alot of these other things doesn't guarantee death or even make it likely. I have lived through beeing robbed several times, and been assaulted on more then one occasion. My point wasn't which could end the worst in the worst case senerio, my point was in my experience infidelity has been the most painful, and longest lasting trial I've gone through, and if I had to pick being assaulted, robbed, or indefinitely I personally would take assaulted over the other two despite the risk.
Oh I've lived through 5 car accidents only one of which I walked away from with any lasting problems and just minor back pain that could be treated with medicine, I guess I could treat infidelity pain with alcohol or drugs, but not sure that would work in the long run. But, like you said any of these events could of taken my life so I guess they have the greatest consistent harm potential, and maybe someone else doesn't care about the partner and is only minorly effected or not at all, but for me so far it has been the worst thing that has happened to me
+Mikhail O'Dell
There are lots of things one can go to jail for that are not life threatening and hurt people a lot less. Following your logic, one shouldn't go to jail for stealing either.
The point is that infidelity PROFOUNDLY affects the psyche because a primary relational bond has been broken. Sometimes this results in PTSD. I can only speak about married ppl. The trauma is real, profound and lasting. When one is married, a BOND is supposed to form akin to a child TRUSTING that his parents will never hurt or abandon him. Imagine how it hurts a child to be abandoned by a parent. It's not the exact same but the level of intimacy and connection is the same.
Doll Lady Not to be rude, but not sure you even read what I've written, and your answer lacks intellectual merit. I never said stealing or child abandonment should be a crime. Furthermore child abandonment is a crime, and depending on the circumstances can land you not just in jail, but prison. My logic isn't to legalize none harmful crimes, it's to enforce the legal contract couples enter into like any other contract. Because of the harm infidelity does to a partner, and the children I think there should be consequences for the offender to help discourage such destructive behavior. Doing so does not require we not jail people who commit other crimes, and I'm not sure how or well where your invented thought process developed from.
So he divorced you? Or are you using some unbiblical definition of infidelity?
This has been the best video I have watched , He is right it is the worst thing you can be put through.
It sounds like you have been through it to ladyheart, i hope things are better for you!
I wish you all the best lady heart, things will get better it takes a lot of time, just be very careful who you trust. Kind regards, Rob.
Only if you set your expectations beyond that which is reasonable! The most desirable men WILL have more women wanting them. That is a fact of life!
He clearly didn't hear what he was saying. You can't compare losing a child to a spouse cheating on you
This is so true. It can ruin a family!
I am not as judgmental towards the husband who was lied to and told that he could only have one wife, and despite his best efforts to live a monogamous lifestyle, simply wasn't cut out for it, but felt pressure to keep his mistress a secret, for fear of disappointing the wife he has, who has unreasonable expectations of being his only wife.
common, I prefer to be cheated upon thousands times more than to loose my child. How can you compare death of a child to an infidelity?? I don't buy this.
Have you actually experienced either?
Diana Fabianova True. I've experienced both and their is no comparison.
Tara King Have you?
Yes
+Diana Fabianova he is probably from the ol'south. They are all brainwashed .."oh the sanctity of marriage.....blah blah"
With all do respect, I disagree that Infidelity is the worse thing to ever happen to women. I'm so sorry about that woman's story who experienced gang rape. I think that the reason the Infidelity hurt her more than that experience was because of the high level of faith/trust she placed in her husband. After something horrible like that happen its understandably HARD to ever trust again especially the opposite sex that hurt you. When she found a man who she thought she could place her faith in, this man failed her and confirmed a horrible truth for her, which is that people can't be given that much faith to were they could actually break your spirit when they fail you, only GOD is worthy of that level of trust because his LOVE NEVER FAILS. it's not the Infidelity itself, its the level of faith you place in a person and when they fail or betray you in some way that feels unforgivable, it can destroy your world view. We should NEVER place that high a level of faith in any one person that should only be reserved for the LORD, only understand that we are all fallible e in some way, shape or form so we have to be able to forgive but that also doesn't mean you have to stay if you can't trust them anymore. GOD BLESS ANY ONE READING THIS MSG OR WHO WENT THROUGH ANY OF THIS!
Yeah! It's funny how easy it is to make an apples to oranges comparison and ignore the different circumstances surrounding an anecdotal occurrence!
I agree. You cant base all your Hope's and dreams in a spouse no matter what they promisw
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... Excuse me? A mother or father losing their CHILD is less terrible than an affair? Seriously? Most people would DIE for their children. They wouldn't die over an affair, as horrific as that is.
And you can't compare it to rape.
Infidelity is heinous and disgusting, but it is not comparable to the death or a child or to physical abuse or rape. They are all very different.
I am glad to see that I am not going through this alone. I just found out recently my wife is seeing someone.
True! More painful that death....people prefer death than being betrayed
25 yrs my husband left me for a side chick. He now treat me so bad
I don't think I could recommend a video that states that infidelity is worse and more painful then rape/losing a child/ etc. In my opinion my clients would be offended if not outraged at the mere suggestion. Otherwise a good message and overall informative video.
Perhaps they only say that (for the ones that have gone through stressful situations) because finding that love was their saving grace that was burned before them and so they drop in a deeper depression than otherwise
I'm guessing you haven't ever experienced it.
***** that is true, 3 months into our marriage I was cheated on, I try to forget and moved forward, twice after that I found condoms among his stuff, he gave me a bullshit explanation, how he got it from a seminar, yea right, now 17 years after he had another affair that I found out about, right now I felt as if I am a failure, I even complementing killing myself, because I had put so much trust into this person, and this is my reward for loving someone, so I am 1 that can say the doctor is right, it is the worst feeling a person can experienced.
Tara King Not sure what 'it' is. Are you asking if I experienced infidelity, rape, or loss of a child? Your comment is a little unclear for me to respond to.
I'm not going to start arguing with you about this. I just know from personal experience of infidelity and other trauma infidelity was the worst pain imaginable.
Thats all my husband was trying to say is that two people have to be one and put their marriage first so that they can be the best parents and have a strong unshakable family bond. If you put children first and only have time to run around tending to them, neglecting your partner, and best friend, your too tired or stressed or overworked When the two of you are arguing, partner is falling for someone else and you are wondering how you got there and children are blaming themselves what then?
3:03 True. I was Betrayed by the man who lived me. I had no idea that he was cheating with his married coworker, Maureen.
You don't know how much pain it causes.
My husband had a online afair.
Talking, private pictures.
He said it all started when started talking and not sure when it went that far.
I have asked many questions.
I knew something was up as he wasnt the same.
I even said it.
I found out by finding the pictures and called her right up.
I'm not thinking of having a afair.
Still in this marriage it's only 6 days new.
This man is a beautiful soul.
We have lost our moral compass. Where not grounded to anything not like we used to be. We who are not perfect but have empathy still can see how lost this nation is in values and morals. Sex is nothing it's everywhere and it's like taking a breath nothing to it
He said to not ever talk to the person you had the affair with, but what if a child results from the relationship?
Your marriage could survive and you can break the pattern, with the right tools.
Sometimes a relationship becomes so sour that the thought of having sex with one's spouse feels dirty. The thought of the spouse secretly finding love elsewhere is actually more exciting.
Especially when kids are involved, the best case scenario when the divorce happens is to have the immediate spouse replacement ready to fill in. Saves from having to pay allimony if she/he marries them. The best case scenario for a doomed marriage. Truth stings.
I'm so disappointed with women in general because of my experience with them that I could never dream of cheating. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach because not only would I be destroying my family, but anyone else who would give me the time of day would also end up neglecting me eventually too. I just don't trust women at all anymore. They are nothing but glorified children who live life through a myriad of psychological tactics and manipulation to get what they want at the expense of men, and in many cases even their own children.
my wife left me for 4 or 5 months and my mind has not stop thinking what she did when she was out there going to bars i told her i know you cheated i feel it in my soul and she has a guilty grin she cant hold back when your guilty but she denies it. I never be the same it will be pain in my heart until i die Iam a broken man and she never have a man that will trust her and love her the way i did before. Dont know how long we will last iam broken and theirs no fixing it sin has a price she cheated now she will live with its results it did not make her life good it made it horrible
But what to do if a man is doing same thing again and again.Looks like a cheater will remains same, he just pretends.
He is a polygamist, pretending to be a monogamist.
Just compensation: great idea, sounds like something very healing.
1) never talk to them again
2) prevent chance encounters - expect withdrawal and moodiness for the next few months, a bit like being in a lousy mood from dieting
3) if you go into work with them, you need to resign probably or trigger affairs all over again
4) Have to be together for two years to create a successful relationship again
5) Trust is restored and marriage can recover
No. 4 makes no sense considering that infidelity is one of the reasons a marriage can end.
There is a ton left out between step 4 and step 5. When the unfaithful spouse expects the betrayed spouse to just go into their own cocoon, heal by themselves, and emerge a beautiful butterfly where all trust is restored and the relationship redeemed... Totally unrealistic and stinks of denial. The unfaithful must do a lot of consistent reparative effort on their part, otherwise the marriage will not reconcile.
Lol ok.
I disagree with it being worse then the death of a child!!! I've been cheated on!!! I try not to let it get to me! The one who does the cheating feels way worse then the one who does it, I've been on both sides of the spectrum. Being cheated on does hurt,but you can't bring back a loved one from Death!
In the first few minutes you absolutely described the two things I went through and also concluded: (1) the affair was worse than the rape I had and it is because a person doesn't have a high level of trust invested in the rapist as she does her husband nor the daily interaction the wife has with the husband; and (2) taking away a wife's ability to sue for damages the woman who made the choice to be in that position of mistress coupled with some of the crap promoted by the feminist movement and you have a lethal cocktail of infidelity that a lot of men will choose to drink. We have lost so much culturally by allowing European thinking to influence the institution of marriage in this country. Just take a look at the Scandinavian countries and how they are devolving with incorporating all of these ideas that "one can do whatever one wants to do" as if that means no one should be allowed to be hurt by someone else's poor choices.
yes - it used to be that we had laws, morals, marriage was a sacred and protected institution. Not now - anything goes, and we all pay the price for this, every one of us.
Blame feminism
What's worse is the woman can cheat on the man and then the judicial system will side with her 100% even with proof of infidelity and she will take the children, all of the husbands net worth, all the money he makes the rest of his life for alimony and child support, and then she will get free Healthcare and food stamps the rest of her life and she won't have to do a damn thing.
Not only does her husband pay for the damage she caused. But men all over the country pay for it with their taxes. It's sick.
Just be by your self you all don't need to be treated like that if u do those things at least respect the other person and talk about it rather then hurting each other
Please if you are having problems please reach out and get help or leave them before everyone gets hurt
What I don’t understand. Is why when someone gets caught. They always say I never meant to hurt you! Really!!
I agree there should be laws against it...even my own lawyer told me "she didn't do anything illegal" I struggled with hating women for so long I can't tell you..
They would probably screw up those laws the way the screwed up the laws prohibiting a man from having more than one wife.
This guy sounds like a 1980s Infomercial that has done what you look to seek to preventing Its your own heart that has the right answers to decide to move on from the cloud you live under..
It's kinda like choosing between a cobra & a scorpion. None of the options are good.
OK Stop. Have been that person who was cheated on. Married 24 years and that was AWFUL. But more awful than losing one of my children!? Ah NOPE!! No way ANYTHING could be worse than that. NOTHING EVER. Yes he left, after 24 years. Yes it was BAD, Yes it hurt and messed me up. But I worked through that and am now so very glad he is gone. He was BAD for me. However my Children? They are my salvation and my legacy. I know that I can live without their father. And I equally know that I would be broken if I lost even one of my children.
Bottom line is that you have to find someone who will stand by you no matter what,even when everything (and I do mean everything) starts to sag and shrivel up.It's all about dopamine and pleasure receptors in the brain,when people fool around in a marriage they are trying to supply a chemical in their brain that is essential,much the same as a diabetic needing insulin.Forgiveness,understanding and mending what is wrong is the only answer to saving a marriage.
Good men should have more wives. Lousy men should not have any. Laws against bigamy, need to be changed to allow consensual polygyny!
That's a pretty bold statement. To say infidelity is the worse thing a person can to through is false. It might be for some ppl but not everybody. There's no way getting cheated on would be rougher for me than if I lost a child. It's worse than rape?? Come on...let me tell you. I've had a challenging life and being cheated on was one of easiest things I had to overcome. I was sexually abused by 4different pigs by age 7. I was physically abused and emotionally neglected. Those are just some examples of things that were so horrific I'd rather get cheated on. I didn't personalize it. It had nothing to do with me. A man can have the most beautiful woman in the world and he would still cheat. People who think it should be a crime must be so insecure. I do believe it's wrong and hurtful but not the worse betrayal, not by heart
Come on, more painful than loss of children? Unconditional love you get from your children, and conditional from a spouse. I have experienced both. I have a master's degree.
As long as people have different personalities , likes and dislikes infidelity is like a shadow. The potential is always there. Human should revisit monogamy . Some people come in your life only for ONE!TWO, THREE or FOUR seasons. You can preach till the cows comes home infidelity is here to stay.
me and my partner been together for 10 years and she just confessed she had unprotected sex with two different guys I have to leave her but we have 3 boys together I feel so betrayed all the time it just kills me. Now she has two different dudes dna in her blood and mine worst experience ever
Partner? Was she not your wife? What does Scripture have to say about fornication?
1. If you think your spouse is not as big a lose as a child, your priorities are out of order. 2. People sacrifice their children every day for their own happiness. Most of them don't recognize what they are doing until it's too late. As a counselor, I see it many times a day.
What a painful experience, God is doing the healing in me.
For his "just compensation" he left out quite a bit. Sure you can't repay, and of course you go no contact, and the betrayed will be grumpy, and stay for two years, but what else? What about reparative words and actions? What about trying to figure out why you cheated? What about leading recovery efforts? Checking in, showing empathy and remorse? Sitting with the betrayed spouse in their pain? Holding space for their anger and responding with compassion?
PROBLEM. He felt the Pain of total rejection in his marriage caused by his wife. SHE saw him in pain and turned the kids against him also. So he found someone who special who saw his pain and helped him feel better. ANSWER- He Divorced the source of the problem.
Amen! It is painful!
Yes I agree. For males too like me. It destroyed me. The most painful thing I have ever experienced was when I found out my girlfriend had cheated on me.
It depends on what you set as your level of expectation.
@@davedidashit I guess that opened your eyes to her character. A woman of noble character, keeps herself chaste for her future husband.
Thank you; I liked so much this message because it was so real and hopefullness.
...and void of Scripture.
Infidelity It the worst thing could happen to a husband, im the latest victim of infidelity
I Love this channel I will make this a weekend thing with my fiance.
This will not prevent him from having an affair.
This guy is GOOD
No he isn't!
an affair is painful that"s true but comparing it to the lost off a child our love one it"s not the same it:s a different kind off pain.you cant compair one is meternal the other emotional.
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That sounded like a 30 minute ad to buy his DVD, program or whatever it is he’s selling.
1. NEVER see your lover
2. Withdrow for 6 months
3. Create a successful romantic relationships (2 years)
Make all decisions with each other in mind
Avoid love blusters
Lern how to meet each other emotional needs
No! This is ridiculous. If the wife cheats, she gone! If the husband cheats, reevaluate your expectations of monogamy.
I don't gamble in casinos or in life, despite maybe winning something, the risk are just too great to take at least for me. I been cheated on by my ex wife, now we are divorced. After such experience I learn to hate humanity in general specially women.
If her actions led you to hate women, you shouldn't marry, and perhaps never should have to begin with.
How do you think women feel? It is a cowardly thing to hold on to the hate. All men and women do not act the same. Think about my words. Huuuuuuuuuuggg.
Thanks for the kind words. God bless you too.
Some good stuff but my word! This video could have been 15 mins shorter if mr. Speaker would have gotten to the point! Sooner!! OK its painful... We get it!
I know right he kept saying the same thing over n over again I almost stopped watching
How about Husband who had an Affair an infidel who had a Child with the other woman so no contact cannot be applied because they Need to Co-parenting a Child. What should be the right things to do or rules to be applied in this kind of situation ?? Thank you Hope to hear you opinions and advise
We often get too caught up within the hustle and bustle of everyday work, bills, what thee children or other family members need society and keeping up with their ideas of what success is. Marriage and true unconditional love faith and friendship is suffering. No one stops long enough to realize what matters most. You want your children to be loved, cared for, know what it means to be committed and faithful? You want them to have good health and be successful? stand firm together.
trehannas
men have this to..my wife cheated on me with my brother inlaw 40 years ago... you feel good at times but it comes back out of the blue..i lost my kids my life my trust and love for life... my heart now feel hate and it,s not my fault... don't do this all for sex ,or 5 minuets of fun
What guy is going to tell his wife that hes attracted to a co-worker.
Ben Reed . Some people do!!
If I was lucky enough to have a wife I would admit it to her and either leave the job, or avoid the co-worker like the plague !!
An honest one.
My husband cheated on me again. I cheated on him over 15 years ago with a girl as myself. He cheated with a girl. But he says it's the same. Now all of a sudden I'm the cause of this
You’re not necessarily the cause of his infidelity, but your infidelity cause major damage to him, and if he didn’t work through it and learn to trust you, then it does make sense that he would act out in some way. And yes, it is the same.
I honestly don't think it's true that most people have experienced an affair.
My partner did betray me and it wrecked me.
I know plenty of folks who have not.
Once you have raised your children and they go off to be on their own, you and your partner will be left and if you have put so much into your children and not separated the differences between oneness with your partner and a relationship with your children, once the kids are gone many couples find themselves not having much to say to one another because they have neglected their friendship bond and needs for the children.
Your oneness with your partner should still be very hot. If the two of you as partners and parents arent on the same page and together your children will suffer. Too many divorces these days and children blame themselves. like he said in the video infidelity starts when you decide to open up to someone else. If people would remember that that marriage bond needs to be put first and kept strong for the family to work they would nurture that alot more than letting it suffer.
That is garbage! He is applying that equally to both genders! Men and women are not the same! Infidelity happens when the husband divorces his wife, unless she committed infidelity in bed with another man!
I also found out that my wife of 34 years had been having an affair with her boss about 17 of those years. She went to work for him in the late 80's.We were 4 years into our marriage when it started with him. It went on for 4 years until my wife decided it was time for us to have a baby. We did a couple of years later in 1993. I was told it ended then and nothing happened after our child was born .I didn't believe it because she still worked for him and all the same opportunities were there for them to hook up and sure enough she admitted that he did start calling her again a couple of years after our child was born and went on , although not hooking up as frequently as before because he had other girlfriends, and lasted until he sold his company in 2007 . She was definatly addicted to his power and all she wanted was his approval . She couldn't say no to him.We are working on our marriage but they still see each other sinse we live in a small town and he is a high profile guy here. They cross paths every day .He has even eats lunch a lot a door down from her office. It is the worst thing ever.
God Bless you, Sir.
Respectfully, in proper perspective infidelity is definitely not the worse experience someone can have as is constantly repeated by Dr. Harley. Death of a loved one, disease, rape, assault, wrongful incarceration, witnessing harm to a loved one or perhaps even a stranger- as well as many more life experiences, are much worse than infidelity.
As an author and professional speaker, I understand the power of suggestion being the motivation for his constant emphasis on infidelity being the absolute worse experience. This convinces the listener, or reader, to accept his premise. Therefore feel more compelled to buy more products.
I just do not agree when people speak in terms of absolutes to manipulate others.
Another comment is that you cannot prevent another person from making their own choices.
His statement in the beginning to the woman who does not take precautions or the flu shot is that she is definitely going to have her spouse cheat is ridiculous.
You can influence or try to influence. Ultimately, they will make a choice and it is not your fault. Even if you neglect the other person, they still have options. Cheating is a choice. The other person chose it. If unhappy, they can stay faithful or end the relationship.
Is the overall message and content presented here valuable? Definitely within the context of not making yourself responsible for other people's choices and do not allow yourself to believe that someone else's choice to pursue another is the worse thing that can happen to you. It is not the worse thing.
In all honesty, it did not happen to you. You were not involved. You just heard about it or witnessed it.
Another person's problem is not a problem until you make it your problem.
Know your worth and you can let it go.
Ive had everything but one on your list, and infidelity hurt worse, sad, its shocking to admit
Huge respect to this ministry