So simple, yet so hard for FAs. Social settings should be a playground for finding connection and enjoyment. Perhaps I'm lucky in that I had a strong group of close friends growing up that were able to speak freely without judgment...so I learned it early on. You can't have real fun or connection if you're carrying around the concept of toxic shame.
I just bought the program and loving it! I still listen to all these videos while working thru it plus EMDR. So so excited for inner peace and happiness, thank you! 🙏
I wish I had something like this 3 years ago lol, this was my biggest obstacle in making friends let alone wouldnt let me consider relationships cause it was ingrained into me that I felt like I didnt deserve anything. But least now I know thanks to those awful experiences I can empathize and show compassion to my FA partner because I already know how awful it feels to be devalued and gaslit growing up. The one thing that made me feel unworthy was paradoxically the one thing that eventually gave me confidence then socializing became second nature once I got regrounded.
Hey hello!! I basically saw all your videos already, and while I'm not a FA myself (I'm SA with a tendency for anxious that I'm working on in therapy at the moment), I saw that you don't mention what happens after a breakup, like what are the thoughts and needs of a FA after the breakup regarding that ex-partner that basically did nothing wrong to them, or even why fearful avoidants could rebound into a new relationship weeks or just days after they break up (with a new person or with someone they already knew from the past). Please, this would be very useful for both the FA that try to understand their feelings and also to the ex-partners of a FA that are trying to heal or to understand if there's something we can do to heal ourselves or get back into a relationship with an amazing person that just got too scared of commitment. Hope you read this message and again thank you for all your videos! they have helped me understand better than anyone else what is happening.
Yeah, this FA connection style is crazy...but as a partner/ex-partner you can get through it. I'll give you how I've dealt with it in the past. 1/ Forgive the other, without expectation of them ever speaking w/ you again. I think you are already partially there, but may harbor some vision on things evolving in time. Accept that your partner is gone and unlikely to return. This takes a good amount of time...say 3-6 months. Forgiving the other transfers the pain you feel from the other, directly to you. Now you can deal with it directly. 2/ Forgive yourself. Seriously, how can anyone know what is FA vs. run of the mill crazy shit, before stumbling into attachment theory?! Process how you behaved. Did you cause your partner real pain, or did you just trigger them? Could you have known that beforehand, and missed the signs? I came to the conclusion that my only big sin wasn't understanding attachment theory ;0). I couldn't blame myself for that. Moreover, I loved as best I could. Intermission - this is where the "dullness of life" feeling slips in. Perhaps feelings of hopelessness...will I ever find love? Can I even love again? Make plans and meet new people. Not with the intention of hooking up, but with the intention of exploring what's out there. Give yourself the freedom to explore again. Write down what you don't want, what are must haves, etc. for you. What are your values, who are you on the way to becoming, etc? What do you see as your path forward (it'll change, but just visualize what you'd like your life to be). ...and there you go. Good luck!
So what you're saying is: to stop being awkward, we need to act as if others are secure AS WELL AS releasing our fears around being judged, rejected and abandoned?
The fact is, it is highly unlikely you're being judged! Secure people don't judge others in social settings....I guess there are exceptions to that rule like the crazy drunk with a lampshade on his head making passes at co-workers spouses...but other than that I can't think of a social meeting in the past decade that I've come away thinking that something someone said was stupid. We're all just there to shoot the shit, gather diverse opinions, and perhaps learn something along the way. "Don't burden me with judging others, I'm just here for a good time."
So simple, yet so hard for FAs. Social settings should be a playground for finding connection and enjoyment. Perhaps I'm lucky in that I had a strong group of close friends growing up that were able to speak freely without judgment...so I learned it early on. You can't have real fun or connection if you're carrying around the concept of toxic shame.
I just bought the program and loving it! I still listen to all these videos while working thru it plus EMDR. So so excited for inner peace and happiness, thank you! 🙏
Wow, this really worked for me !! I tried it and had an amazing social experience... after suffering from social anxiety for many years - Thank you :)
I wish I had something like this 3 years ago lol, this was my biggest obstacle in making friends let alone wouldnt let me consider relationships cause it was ingrained into me that I felt like I didnt deserve anything. But least now I know thanks to those awful experiences I can empathize and show compassion to my FA partner because I already know how awful it feels to be devalued and gaslit growing up. The one thing that made me feel unworthy was paradoxically the one thing that eventually gave me confidence then socializing became second nature once I got regrounded.
It’s toxic shame ❤
Absolutely . I’ve been struggling with this so much lately 🫣🫣🫣🫣😑
One of the most eye-opening video I watch on this platform... thank you for that
FEELINGS!
This was so helpful. Thank you ❤
Hey hello!! I basically saw all your videos already, and while I'm not a FA myself (I'm SA with a tendency for anxious that I'm working on in therapy at the moment), I saw that you don't mention what happens after a breakup, like what are the thoughts and needs of a FA after the breakup regarding that ex-partner that basically did nothing wrong to them, or even why fearful avoidants could rebound into a new relationship weeks or just days after they break up (with a new person or with someone they already knew from the past).
Please, this would be very useful for both the FA that try to understand their feelings and also to the ex-partners of a FA that are trying to heal or to understand if there's something we can do to heal ourselves or get back into a relationship with an amazing person that just got too scared of commitment.
Hope you read this message and again thank you for all your videos! they have helped me understand better than anyone else what is happening.
Yeah, this FA connection style is crazy...but as a partner/ex-partner you can get through it. I'll give you how I've dealt with it in the past.
1/ Forgive the other, without expectation of them ever speaking w/ you again. I think you are already partially there, but may harbor some vision on things evolving in time. Accept that your partner is gone and unlikely to return. This takes a good amount of time...say 3-6 months. Forgiving the other transfers the pain you feel from the other, directly to you. Now you can deal with it directly.
2/ Forgive yourself. Seriously, how can anyone know what is FA vs. run of the mill crazy shit, before stumbling into attachment theory?! Process how you behaved. Did you cause your partner real pain, or did you just trigger them? Could you have known that beforehand, and missed the signs? I came to the conclusion that my only big sin wasn't understanding attachment theory ;0). I couldn't blame myself for that. Moreover, I loved as best I could.
Intermission - this is where the "dullness of life" feeling slips in. Perhaps feelings of hopelessness...will I ever find love? Can I even love again?
Make plans and meet new people. Not with the intention of hooking up, but with the intention of exploring what's out there. Give yourself the freedom to explore again.
Write down what you don't want, what are must haves, etc. for you. What are your values, who are you on the way to becoming, etc? What do you see as your path forward (it'll change, but just visualize what you'd like your life to be).
...and there you go.
Good luck!
So what you're saying is: to stop being awkward, we need to act as if others are secure AS WELL AS releasing our fears around being judged, rejected and abandoned?
The fact is, it is highly unlikely you're being judged!
Secure people don't judge others in social settings....I guess there are exceptions to that rule like the crazy drunk with a lampshade on his head making passes at co-workers spouses...but other than that I can't think of a social meeting in the past decade that I've come away thinking that something someone said was stupid. We're all just there to shoot the shit, gather diverse opinions, and perhaps learn something along the way. "Don't burden me with judging others, I'm just here for a good time."
Thank you so much ❤❤❤