Why He Disappeared After Sleeping With You
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
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I know couples who hooked up on the second date and are still married 20 years later. And I know folks who waited 4 months to hop into bed and then afterwards, got ghosted. There's no guarantee that the "right" behavior will pay off or the "wrong" behavior will end in failure. I'm convinced it's just dumb luck.
Agree!!!
Omg this is so true.
Truth
That’s why it’s SMARTEST to wait until marriage.
@@queenj.8i895 Good luck finding people who are willing to do that. Especially men! He'll just go find it somewhere else while he claims his love for the "virgin queen".
'Sex is supposed to solidify a preexisting connection, not create a connection'--that statement of Audrey's right there is why I decided to go back to a standard I used to hold in my religious days of waiting till after marriage....not bc I'm conservative-minded anymore or think sex is harmful, but bc I think I'm worthy of the deepest commitment before opening myself up that fully and bc I think sex should be a sign of deepening and furthering a bond already created (for me).
Love having Audrey's female voice, as always!
So you had sex with men in the past, but the man that should marry you has to receive a worse treatment...and keep waiting until marriage before getting to know you more on a level (sex) that for him is very important!?
Sorry, but this seems a pretty egoistic way of thinking. You put your needs, your priorities, above your boyfriend's needs and priorities!
Furthermore, you think that he will like you in bed for sure. What if you are not compatible?
@@paole9729 why just emphasize on if he will like her and not both ways? there is also what if the person asking for the wait until marriage to not like the other person in bed. you're point stands but it goes both ways
@Nikki..... That is exactly the point of my conclusive question.
@@paole9729 You consider that the worst treatment? Did you know there are men out there who prefer to wait till marriage?
@PatootiePotatoe Please tell me: where did I wrote that "that's the worst treatment"? My comment doesn't say that. In the same way, I've never referred to men who want to wait until marriage.
Please make sure you read things correctly before wasting people's time. Many thanks.
After 3 dates, 4 weeks of lengthy night calls good morning texts, goodnight kisses, and him chasing me, we slept together and it was a fantastic experience we both enjoyed. Then a week later, the distance and 3 wks later got the busy, then Im working on myself text and Take Care. We live in different locations so no chance to bump into each other. I stayed at his home twice sleeping over after going out and dinners, so didn’t overly rush. I feel like there needs to be something in law almost, preventing people from just lying to you and doing this. You give yourself and are just cast aside. Which then flips that beautiful experience shared with someone you really liked, to be nothing but a sad memory. (You both are wonderful together, thank you Audrey)
Maybe he’s hung up on someone else
Damn 😢
Kev Hick on UA-cam will give you the real answers. He's a dating coach. He's truthful, tells it how it is, and has no sugarcoating. I hope that this helps you, he's an eye-opener, especially if you have never received his kind of advice. I hope that you take the time to check him out considering your situation.
So sorry this happened to you. You may find it helpful to look into Artificial Intimacy as discussed by Esther Perel. It's the kind of intimacy you get from hours of talking on the phone or on video rather than 'in person'. True intimacy is created in person - face to face in someone's physical presence. It doesn't mean this guy would have acted differently if you'd spent more time together, but it would have given you a clearer vision of who is and what he wanted - and you may have made different decisions based on that information.
I once heard a dating coach say that she would only give the 'go-ahead' to a woman to consider sleeping with a man if he has given her monogamy, that is to say, is dating only her and doing that openly in front of others. I think this is a fair principle to run. You can't entirely protect yourself from abuse of this principle because ultimately you are not in charge of the actions of others - they are - any more than you can immunise yourself against love, but you can make your perspectie and principles clear, and act accordingly. At least if he abuses your trust, he is not worth being with and he will then know why, while you get to feel virtuous for sticking to your guns/principles and grateful for finding out early that he is not good enough for you.
Am I the only one who is absolutely sick of trying to figure out men? I almost don’t care anymore. I’ll just stay single and get a bunch of cats. 😂
What's there to figure out? Aside from he's not that into you, Western women are generally easy and modern dating offers endless options?
This is what free and easy sex does. It damages meaningful connections.
@@darkknight17 So why are you hanging around commenting on a video about understanding men then?! Just to get the sick pleasure of kicking someone when they are down? Classy.
Decenter men for peace and contentment
Already there Only it’s gonna be a couple of dogs, my friends, my career and I’ll have fun
Become lesbian
It is good having Audrey on the shows now, she always puts good points of view and helps put forward women’s point of view.
She’s intelligent and articulates her thoughts well, too.
Definitely
Yes I agree!
Yes, great listener and awareness of herself.
Absolutely. And I don't agree that this is demanding a "very high degree of integrity" to be transparent about your intentions, as soon as you know that a lack of transparency can hurt someone! Come on!!!
This sounds like someone’s experience when binge eating… it sounds like an unconscious/uncontrollable urge, followed by gorging oneself with food, followed by intense shame and regret.
Well said
In a nutshell ... dopamine ... its a currency of a human being and other animals
@@crooger3594yes the dopamine provides the instant “reward” feeling, and oxytocin- the proverbial love drug that men and women emit during intimacy/sex- is what solidifies the “feelings” or bond that sec creates. It’s why casual sex can be/feel so awkward afterwards, and also why people having casual sex who then “catch feelings” can get hurt unexpectedly- this happens to women more than men I’m pretty sure- but either sex is at risk. (Intimacy such as falling asleep together after sex solidifies that oxytocin bond and men subconsciously know this hence why they like to get it done and leave quickly.
But the end point is humans were designed to have a special relationship with one person (Adam gave up one of his ribs in order to have a companion). Not saying one has to wait until marriage but it is something to weigh when one is just “sleeping around.”
There are also women who are pursued and accept a relationship only to find out that the guy views them as useful in his life, but he’s not strongly attracted to her physically. A lot of men compartmentalize women.
100% correct
Yep. And I can always sense something is off as soon as I'm caught. So exhausting. I am not desperate. Please don't waste my time.
Sound like narcissist supply
Very well said. Indeed compartementalizing.
Know yourself and your attachment style. Ken Reid clinician has informative podcasts on attachment styles.
Because they’re assholes. There. I saved you from needing to watch the video. Can we stop trying to understand/justify shitty behavior by people? Save your energy and mental health and move on to better people.
This video can be useful for people to find closure/process what has happened to them, because they wouldn't be able to receive that from the person who has ghosted them.
Beyond that, while your statement may be true in the majority of cases, it could also be a tipping point for those who have been stuck in this lifestyle/attitude to break out and become better people.
I used to resemble what most people would call a "nice guy," and it was videos like these that got me to see just the sort of impact I was having on other people.
Though my motivations/intentions were atypical from "nice guys," I was able to see how my behaviors matched what they were doing, and what I could do to more accurately portray myself.
I learned the difference between being "nice" and being kind, and I cut out the poor behaviors and started therapy to get to the root of my issues.
The world - and people - are not necessarily so black and white and simple as we may want it(them) to be.
Thank you!! He spent the whole time trying to justify what they're doing and hardly ever even acknowledged that it's just a shitty thing to do! That's all that needs to be said, honestly
👏🏼
First time it is happening to me.these days, at my 46!!!!!!!!!
First time I let my guards down with a man and here's the result !!!!
And I have to see this ass....le at work!
Something I’ve learned to protect myself from this kind of guy is to only sleep with guys who know me (care about my interests, dreams/ goals, family/ friends)… any guy can talk about plans for “the future” or their “feelings” for you but if they show they know me in very specific ways, that takes extra effort that guys who only want one thing won’t make
Perfectly said......perfect. No wonder I am getting married to my male best friend lol
Just so you know if that's what enough women wants, then men will just adapt and put the extra effort it, it's not that diffircult.
What you have to dig deeper is to find what's your interest in the person, if it's just emotion highs from the drama from a good looking and charming man who is smooth and interested, or the intention of a man way over you league but interested enough to share why he has selected you over other women who is better looking, or even willing to treat him better. If he can't show why, knowing full well there are other women, then you have to question the reliability of the connection to lead to a long term commitment, if that justified desire is missing from that man, then it's missing, period.
@@patrickmcfly3264 You are literally talking about Psychopaths & Sociopaths before they marry or get close to their prey......they LOVE BOMB THEM by literally researching on them in details just to gain trust. Nope....women should keep them waiting till the mask drops & expose their real face. Genuine people will bond with women normally just like in classic times. Slowly they will become friends & then some years later the guy propose.....does it worth the wait oh hell yes. Because no good kind woman wants a psychopath as her husband period.
This is good advice.
@@patrickmcfly3264This is too.
Whilst I really agree with the part about communication, I don't agree that deliberately misleading someone about your feelings or intentions (regardless of if you're 'technically' lying or not) isn't deception. The intended result is the same. I think it's strange that we've normalised both misleading people to use them, as well as discarding or 'ghosting' people rather than ending things in a considerate way. It doesn't take a high degree of integrity not to purposely do something you know will really hurt someone. We've normalised it so much that we won't even call it wrong anymore.
Well what Matthew was talking about was clearly not that its fine to "mislead".
But I fully agree that people love to avoid.
This is a big difference.
Of course I agree that not thinking about what people might hurt is a problem. We all should work on ourselves to stop avoiding those talks.
I totally see your point 😊 I just think dating someone you intend to end things with or ghost after sleeping with them is misleading. I think people are aware it's leading their date to do something under false pretenses, because if it wasn't they could just tell their date they want something casual
@@clay8003 Ah okay - this I did not understand fully.
I agree 100%. If this is already sure that I don't want to continue things, I wonder why alot of guys even sleep with someone.
But I guess there are really guys out there who feel they won't have a chance for sex if they say that honestly. For me that's the difference between a man and a boy.
@@laberbla6466 "For me that's the difference between a man and a boy." you speak with truth!
Brave New World....
"This is where I have to be really careful" -Matthew every time he opens his mouth to say something where a realistic standard needs to be laid but he doesn't want to be perceived as judgmental to ANYBODY. Don't get me wrong, I've been listening to Matt for years and years now and really appreciate a lot of what he brings to the table, but what get's increasingly difficult whenever they're having a realistic conversation about a behaviour, pattern, or lifestyle choice that someone may have, he tries so hard to be politically correct and not be saying anybody is wrong, that it feels like nothing valuable is being said.
The internet may be trigger happy these days and every influential person walks a tight line of being "cancelled" for what they say, but without having a solid opinion and standard, what you have to say is lackluster and in turn, true, good people feel like you're on the side of them, AND the person who lives carelessly. Nobody wants a friend who will always play devil's advocate.
I've been watching his videos for years too and I agree with you
I totally agree
A friend's mum once told me this analogy that 'sex should be the full stop at the end of the conversations that you've been having all day'. I wish I had listened to her back then, but this great conversation reminded me of that. Thanks Matthew for the useful tools as always, and for Audrey for her insights. I love you both together.
I just listen meditation and she says in the conversation to audiuence "Self feels love through the presence with self."
I really like Audrey’s input on the sudden change of dynamic of men when they disengage because this creates cognitive dissonance, make women believe they are the problem to dare have standards or expect more than casual, when in reality most of the time it seems men are in their own wounds and disconnected from a real capacity to connect intimately and recognize the value in it or voice their needs. but as Matthew said it’s also greatly a matter of evolution and mindset, affective responsibility, self awareness and empathy are a reflection of this evolution I believe
The bottom line is that when most women sleep with someone they usually become attached to them in a slightly different way. Feelings are released and embellished because of the intimacy. This doesn't always happen for men in the same way. Many men don't know if they want to connect with someone physically or both physically and mentally, as Matthew mentioned. I learned as I got older not to sleep with someone too early. If I think there's a possible future then I've made someone wait c. 3 months eg my husband. He respected and actually admired that I waited. The men who just want to be physical drop away and someone who wants to get to know you will wait and in fact will enjoy that process. If it's just "a chase" they're after they won't wait three months (unless they have two or three other women on the boil in which case they're not future material and it can hurt to find that out) After several successful dates I would ask a man if he's speaking with or seeing other people too. If he was, I personally would bow out - we're not in New York in the UK and he will know that the culture is different here. This is just my approach but I think it's better to hold back on sex until you know who you're dealing with a bit better. Unless of course you're just after casual sex and don't care either way about the longevity, which is fine too.
Very true when a women sleep with a man they get a hornmone release in the brain to commit to this person to have babies it’s how women’s brains were made by nature to reproduce keep the generation going
Exactly what I have believed for a long time.
I'd say it's the other way around: She doesn't have feelings for him because she SLEPT with him. Rather, she slept with him *because* she had feelings for him.
3 months is way too long to waste on someone who might not be sexually compatible and it gets the expectations of if being something very special too high while the first time is probably not gonna be the best time since the 2 people don't know each other and their sexual preferences yet. I don't know what's the right amount of time but 3 months of not knowing is just too long to waste
I agree with much of what you wrote except - why would you "bow out" if someone is dating or talking to others? If you're not in an exclusive commitment relationship, and/or you haven't had sex with them, what's wrong with it? That's called dating. So you expect someone you're only on a 2nd or 3rd or 10th date with not to be dating others? If you're not committed to them, you can and should date others too. That's like saying if you're interviewing someone for a job, you expect them NOT to go on any other interviews until you decide whether or not you want to hire them?? That's ridiculous. Conversely, you wouldn't go to an interview for a job you wanted and demand the company not be looking for other candidates and not interviewing anyone but you.
People are too greedy these days and put too much pressure on others to make them the center of their world, and for what??? Not much usually. Everyone owes it to themselves to have a lot of dating experiences and not getting so serious and jealous about another person who they don't even know well yet.
I REFUSE to have sex with anyone I can’t talk to ABOUT SEX! Three conversations to be exact. If that doesn’t happen, there is no sex. I also stay sober when having sex. I want to make SURE it’s me who wanted to do it.💯
Yes! Always sober first time!
What are your 3 conversations?
@@v.m.7239 The first conversation is about health and safety surrounding sex. STD's, birth control, emotional safety, feeling secure, etc. Second conversation is surrounding what I do/don't do. What they do/don't do. What I like/don't like. What they like/don't like etc. Third conversation is how might sex change this relationship we are trying to build? What happens if our thoughts and feelings about the other changes AFTER we have sex? What level of commitement do we want/need to feel safe and secure enough to even start having sex. Etc.
@@BetterLoveMovementI really like this thank you
Very well said
I was in a one sided marriage with a video addicted narcissist for over 30yrs. Turned out he never wanted to be with me as he had a pleasure life in every shed we had. He never initiated anything with me. Don’t know if he ever slept with others as he always lied about everything, certainly moved on quickly. Now I’ve done a lot of healing, I’m never giving away my heart, mind and soul and while I’m a hopeless romantic, I’m ok by myself.
Am I wrong? Ten years ago dating was presumably with the intent of something else. So it didn't need to be made clear. Now, dating is presumably just for hooking up. So what needs to be clarified is that one is still dating to find a meaningful connection, not to hook up.
It's not always with the intent of hooking up nowadays. But you're correct, intentions should always be made clear from the beginning.
I feel like every time Matthew cannot answer a question. He always says, "Oh, you can't account for everything in life", instead of calling out on such mean behavior from the men. It just shows me that he is used to treating women the same way. And he justified himself and manhood for this. Such a weak position.
He only says that the world around you may will not always happen the way you want. But you can control what is happening within you and what you are okay with.
I agree with you. Yes us women need to protect ourselves but men also need to not lead someone on in this area if they know they don't like them. It is mean and selfish behavior; just say it.
🙄 let’s not come for Matthew. He tells you the truth of what’s out there, no need to personalize it to him. The key is us women have to tighten our standards and no one can play you if you do. And even if they do you’re not left feeling bereft, you just move on to better.
@@Magnus_Kitty They like them good enough for sex. Nothing wrong about it. Its about the communication.
What is hard, and what they did not speak about was: Sometimes we just like someone - and we want to believe that this person has the same intentions. Even tho the person tells us they don't.
But it's us who decide what can happen to us. Always.
@@Magnus_Kitty It is. Even Matthew admitted that he has done it without long term intention in the past. Remember he said not mentioning intent was an avoidance technique for a man who hasn't had sex a long time and just wants to satisfy that urge so may well be attracted to you but not necessarily looking for something long term.
Gotta Watch again, but that was a non answer & shifted the onus back on the woman. Doesn't answer why guys behave like that. The answer is that our society grants men absolution in the act & labels the woman as faulty. Same as Mathew's answer. He has absorbed & embodied it.
Irritating and infuriating comment. And victim mentality.
Women love criticizing the male sex drive and rarely open their minds to try and actually understand what’s going on biologically.
I don’t think men are seen as good for doing it, they just don’t care what you think of them. It’s a lifestyle. Find better guys.
Yeah you need to rewatch. You’ve missed the point.
@@speed0383 I might. His wife was pretty smart & did call him out on his answer. She's was on it!
@@mariad1151That was her first instinct (not different from yours) . But once she asked him to clarify, she acknowledged he was so right.
In the last 10 yrs I put my expectations forward, explain what sex means to me, wait for a good amount of time (and effort) before getting physically involved and tell them I don’t get involved physically unless it’s exclusive and both parties are moving it towards a committed relationship. And yet more often then not it becomes quickly apparent that man I was involved with was playing a role, telling a lie to get a certain result. That’s manipulation, which is a form of abuse. Ultimately it comes down to it being a risk. Know that you’ve communicated your standards and if someone still chooses to manipulate you to get a certain outcome, that’s on them and their karma.
I liked your comment, but don't get too much into your own head. It's manipulation, it's not abuse. Women manipulate too when they wear make up, and men tell women things they want to hear.
That's so crap of them. They sound like dodgy dark triad types.
@@darkknight17 I think it’s fair to call lying and using someone knowing it will hurt them abuse. Abuse (verb): use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse. And I’m sorry but wearing makeup is manipulation?? Wtf lol
@@chelsearey333
There is a saying I came across as a teenager: "Men are into looks, and women are into personality. That's why women wear make up and men tell lies."
Hair dye for greying hair, extensions, botox, lip fillers, make up, eyeliner, fake lashes, fake tan, high heels, body contouring outfit (once you come out all that flap falls apart), BBLs and breast implants - it's all a deception.
In comparison at most men tell lies (i.e. tell women what they want to hear) which incidentally women do too but with much greater consequences - including paternity fraud.
I love women, but women are far more narcissistic and abusive than men. 😎💯🔥
@@chelsearey333 I wrote a thoughtful lengthy reply, UA-cam posted it, and then it vanished. What the actual fuckery... 😟💔
Dr. John Gray says a woman shouldn’t sleep with a man until he’s bonded with her. Otherwise, he’ll just leave and go on to the next woman.
When a man starts asking for sex, don't do it. Instead, start asking about his intentions of marrying you.
She's sleeping with the wrong men.
This is such a great episode.I was in a similar situation few years ago and I got intimate with a person way too fast after few dates.I assumed he felt the same way about me but I was wrong.Even though he didn't walk away right after sex and we dated on and off for a little bit, the relationship was never what I wanted or needed.I learned my lesson and you are right it is up to us to ask questions, do our do diligence and know ourselves so we can make empowered choices for ourselves because the other person may not even let us know how they truly feel and what their intentions are and we can get easily hurt that way.Great content 🙏🧡
Asking questions only works if the other person honestly answers
The way hes sitting there justifying this behavior and all but acknowledging that its just shitty behavior is crazy. Yes women do it too, yes men have their own issues with dating, and no its not all men. But seriously can we just admit that its a crappy thing to do to someone?? Him wanting to justify it the whole time is making my fears worse honestly
SAME‼️🙄
Agreed. It's just immaturity
Cool. So don’t date, then. Best of luck!
What exactly is crappy? To want sex, without marrying?
@laberbla6466 to use women for sex when you know they want more but you have no intention of being committed. Some guys will say anything they have to just to get into bed with a woman when they know she has feelings
There are always going to be people who lie to people into bed. Why not just ask the person? If you can't talk about sex with that person.. you probably 'shouldn't' be having sex with that person."
💯💯
Wow that just really triggered me. The last dude totally wasted 6 months of my life and I’m still mad
As Dr. Phil famously has said: *"You teach people how to treat you!"* 🤔
@PawcassoStudioz Not very nice to blame her for having her heart broken. People aren't to blame for another's immaturity etc. OP, you have a right to be mad and I hope your next person treats you amazingly and loves you like a queen! Good job walking away after 6 months and not years!
There certainly had to be red flags during those 6 months that she chose to ignore. @@talesfromtheroad9530
It's ok to be mad but also be ready to forgive yourself of missing red flags and I'm sure there have been some. Process it and you'll be free 😊
Beautiful classic 3-colour outfit worn by Audrey.
I think it is also important to remember it’s not simply “jumping into bed” for some folks. There often times there are trauma and subconscious drivers behind it. These decisions in the moment are not that easy to make.
This was the case with a previous roommate of mine. She was extremely sociable, had both types of BPD, and a sex addict. As a result, she often had a difficult/impossible time telling people "no."
As far as I was made aware, it was always consensual - and she was never drunk - but she sorta had a people pleasing streak.
Exactly. The person could be very pushy about it, women will be afraid of driving away someone they really like if they don't have sex, etc. I think very few people actually just "jump into bed" with someone. There is more to it a lot of times.
💯
@@1989pacmaniac yes this was the kind of scenario i had in mind. Like someone w abandonment issues or other trauma may lead with sex or lust bc that is the only thing that got anyone’s attention or feed back. matthew referenced a woman who “finally said no to sex” which is awesome but then what happens theres a pattern of saying “no” but STILL no one hangs around… it’s a mind eff that really wears on someones self esteem and confidence
Audrey is brilliant, great personality; articulates things in a sense that really contextualises them from a woman’s perspective, and hence infuses more insights - when she talks I listen even more carefully. We and Matthew are so lucky to have her - thank you Andrey♥️
As 35 yo man, I can say the point Mathew was saying about hunger and scarcity is definitely something that plays a (perhaps one of many, perhaps a huge) part...he prefaced by saying he does not agree with it, but still was reprimanded because of the idea and ended up brushing past this point. I feel like this could have been elaborated much further, and from the way Audrey became defensive, it shows it is something that he could have shed light into the perspective of the man, and could be very well be the answer for that woman's scenario. Further analysis could have led to strategies like agreeing not to have sex in the first three dates, which personally has helped me to observe compatibility and intention as opposed to pure chemistry and avoid having sex and end up hurting someone emotionally(including myself) who was looking for something deeper.
That's a good approach
Well said
I think Audrey is also missing the biological piece here with most men and women being wired completely differently when it comes to sex , she seems to think men bond during sex the way we do, it looks like she’s coming from a place of hurt instead of seeing our natural differences and accepting them.
@@NewNew44519 I mean men can still have emotional maturity tho. Yes there's differences biologically but it's not an excuse for bad behavior.
@@Magnus_Kitty yeah that’s true but it’s just not the world we live in. Healthy mature men, that don’t operate through their egos are hard to come by. Guys are wired to lie to us to get sex because we fall for words and men fall for what they’re attracted to physically, for the most part. So we just have to accept that fact instead of trying to change others and take responsibility for ourselves. No one tricked us into having sex, we just didn’t know and didn’t want to accept the truth.
The biggest heartbreak we get when our delusions disappear. When our expectations aren’t met, when we realise that other person doesn’t feel or doesn’t want the same. Sex is not a real problem here, expectations are. Most probably she didn’t press his buttons like Matthew said, otherwise the guy would come back for more. Been there myself. Good luck to everyone who is looking for a relationship and loving partner 👥
watch body language.... if woman is dressing herself in provocative way every day, it shows that she doesnt acre what ś peopel expectations are, or if man is looking at his muscless too often and is obsessed too much, and looks in mirror mtoo much, maybe he will not be the guy, who will go for a romantic dinner, and talk about things for an hour.
Love to listen to Audrey's point of view. But I have a feeling that Audrey often gets interrupted by Matthew when she speaks...? (Not just this video..) Love that Audrey shared her thoughts on areas that she didn't feel comfortable when she was dating in the past. I can totally relate to that and I'm happy to know I'm not alone! Thanks Matthew and Audrey!
Intention. Soft love bombing is manipulation, using someone instead of searching for the right person. Knowing intention....
And it sounds a little bit like youre blaming the women when you say the reason he did this to you is just because he doesnt like you enough. Cool. Cool. Cool. Ill take never dating again, thanks very much
No, he isn't good enough for you. We need to stop thinking that the guy gives us the value. It's the opposite. I had the experience being lied to all the time, even introduced me to his parents and then after short time losing interest after getting what he wanted... Today I'm happy married but the line of Matthew helped me: "Attention doesn't mean intention" 😊
How do you protect yourself? Wait until you’re married. The right person is worth the wait. 💞
Good advice
Sexual compatibility is a thing though. It's not just felt chemistry in the moment and kissing. Do your parts fit together well? Not to be vulgar here, but fulfilling sex is a powerful glue that binds a marriage. How can you test for that if you only do the deed on your wedding night? Honest question.
That doesn't protect you
I'm married. My husband is still with other women. Marriage isn't a protection that people think it is. Men are just not right.
There’s no such thing as 0 risk in life. It just LOWERS your risk. Be wise. Leave wrong situations and people behind.
God bless.
I appreciate this video greatly; it would have helped me so much in the past! I definitely had to get to that place on my own, figuring out that I had the power to change things instead of crossing my fingers and hoping “Please don’t ghost me tomorrow!”
This time around I was very certain I wanted to wait. I knew I wanted exclusivity and commitment before getting myself involved on that level. I made sure to communicate that “I will get much more attached to you once we have sex, so I’d prefer that I’m getting attached to someone with whom I share a deep and meaningful connection.”
He not only waited until he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, but he was very respectful not to cross any line I wasn’t comfortable with before that. I really appreciated that about him and his respectfulness really won me over.
The power really lies in our own hands, ladies!
That’s a great way to put it. Good on you for learning and speaking up about your boundaries and expectations. Bravo 🙌
"Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments." - Neil Strauss, "The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships" (go figure, I know). We also tend to enjoy the IDEA of something, and we may feel VERY differently than we thought we would once we're confronted with the reality of it.
It's confusing when the same language people use to communicate love is now used to communicate...absolutely nothing at all. People still kiss like they mean it, they have the technique down, but it's a spiritually empty experience. You are supposed to be kissed and treat that like it's nothing. The other person might as well lick their own arm or something, it means nothing.
Well i have a friend who was honest, stated very clearly what she wanted, did not give in first weeks maybe even month or two, so he knew from the get go what she wants and needs yet he chased until he got what he wanted and puf...he disappeared...being honest, standing for one self and taking it kinda slow for these days dating is still not a guarantee that it will not happen 😢😢😢
I have always been honest with my intentions from the start ever since I was a teenager and let women know I don't want a relationship, I couldn't deal with the guilt of misleading anyone and even though I might cut my options in half at least I don't have to deal with drama or guilt
That's cool 😁
Like you don’t want a relationship ever? Are you still engaging with women? If so, what would be the purpose? Worth taking time to reflect
It’s good you’re honest this gives women the chance to bow it if it’s not for them.
Because he can!! There - that's saved nearly 40 minutes of your day. What works to keep a man 'into you' is:
1. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM for several months into dating. He WILL make moves on you but just say "sorry, but I don't sleep around" and his respect for you will SOAR!!! Men are hunters and the more you resist, the more desirable you will become to him.
2. DO NOT revolve your life around him. Keep your friends, co-workers and family close - go out with them regularly. A man should ADD TO your life, not BE your life. This makes him value you when he does see you.
3. About a year into the relationship, ask him what his plans for the two of you are. If he stutters and evades the issue or says you're just "kickin' it", kick HIM to the kerb and move on. He's stalling for time and keeping you as a placeholder until he finds someone he wants more.
Sorry this is not at all what the video was about. Key point. You don’t catch a man by giving or witholding sex. You catch a man by giving more than sex.
If you have sex early on when both are into each other and honest is no problem. On the contrary I would find it insane to call it having a relationship if you are not sexual as that usually is part of a relationship
The manupulation is when a guy is dating you until he gets what he wants then ghosts. When we're just casual hooking up, no worries. No expectations were set in the first place.
To be perfectly honest speaking as a woman the difference is when we are hungry for sex we dont have to lie to a man we dont have to manipulate them. We can simply hook up. But men I suppose are afraid they will lose this meal if they open up about their intention to only have sex..
In the West: Men are into looks and gratification, and women are into personality and validation. That's why women wear make up, and men tell lies. It's all one big deception in the West.
I think its hypocrisy to hookup with one guy and wait for 3 dates with another guy
being hungry doesn't give a man rights to lie.
I think of you look closer you will see that's a reflection on women not men. The need to be put on a pedestal is great. That's why men hit and run.
Because for women is not hard to get hooked, the silliest woman in the world can put her skirt on the head of the most intelligent guy.
It’s funny to me that Matthew is trying so hard to advocate for the SMALL PERCENTAGE of men who get “used” by women! Good for her for pushing back on this argument. Let’s not turn this into a “poor guys” situation because it’s NOT.😑
Men and Women can both be used for sex. It’s fact
Let's just agree that its a 50:50 responsibility for men and women. Because it is.
@laberbla6466 it is not. Women cannot always know if a man is laying to get her into bed.
@@sissi6013 And a man cannot always know if a woman lies to get him into a relationship.
I think it's important to know the clear intention. To find this out both have to work together.
Exactly @@laberbla6466
Lesbian community too so it's not just guys 😅 factors I've experienced: alcohol, level of avoidance, level of fear of vulnerability, level of manipulative characteristics
oh my.. interesting
Sleeping with someone on the first night is extreme. Time and patience will weed out the problem shes describing about men. Keep the same standard for each guy. Dont make exceptions because hes really attractive or has alot of money etc etc.... the only person that will be disappointed after making those exceptions will be the woman
My thoughts EXACTLY! My standards are the same either way with EVERY guy I’m interested in. Time will tell all. I give absolutely no discounts to a man regardless of my initial attraction. I have made a man wait for MONTHS and he still pulled away somewhat. I let him and see if he reengages eventually. Sleeping with a complete stranger has never interested me. I don’t think the sex would even be that good with a total stranger.😑
I'm Gen X and back in my day that was considered trashy. Now it's just normal. I don't know how people get by. I would be afraid everyone has VD. I am fine sexually, no problems, I just could not be promiscuous, and it's really strange to me how many people consider extreme promiscuity totally normal.
Its conditioning over the last 5 decades. It would be deemed "se*ual pollution "... it degrades the population. Through the media predominantly. Drip drip effect. I'm younger but I see it and its astonishing to witness.
@@rjdestiny-mx4ir or a man ...
That's your opinion. Sometimes it feels right to have sex on a first date.
And this is why I believe that God designed sex to be between a married man and woman…two people already in a covenant…deepening that thereof. Sex doesn’t create love it comes from love, it’s the giving of oneself completely to another.
Sex is an act of love and waiting to have sex is also an act of love. Putting another’s heart above my own desires.❤
I have a friend who believes this. She’s still a virgin at 53 and she’ll be going into her 60s still a virgin. And into her 70s, 80s and 90s still a virgin.
Great insight and advice.
I think this is true, what a protection really.
I feel like they're skirting around the issue. If sex is where you hold your power then don't give it over, and let's not pretend sex is definitely what most men want hello testosterone. Doesn't make them bad just means we have to be wise. If you know yourself and you know you'd be hurt if you had sex and they went ghost then DONT sleep with them! Women control access to sex men control access to relationships.
Really sad you think this
@@abbiealverez2960 lol why
She is correct women were always the Gatekeepers. Men choose their wives/mate.
I like the newsletter! I appreciate the little things you guys include, like a sunscreen that Audrey’s tried and really likes 😊
This is simultaneously terrifying and refreshing... It's important to see that sex is just a meal to some people but also not take that as feeling so vulnerable to objectification or feeling used, especially in the scenarios Audrey describes where a man does seem genuinely interested until sex... You can't even deal with those blinders before hand if the man himself seems very convinced! But I'm glad for the admission and knowledge of this because it means I can ask more questions.
Yes. As a woman I will just say we women have to develop the thinking "well ok I am going to be fine if he ghosts me after this I am all ready for any outcome bc he and any man has a full right to change their mind about a woman".
Be sure to block him though, so he can't come back later with some lame excuse.
It's ok to change his mind but not ok to just suddenly throw a human away like garbage.
@@AprilSunshine And it's sad that men will treat women like garbage and we talk about it like oh well the male of the species just behaves this way, ho hum, imo this is the beginning of where the problem lies
Nope. It's not okay behavior, and I don't sleep with someone until I really like them and I am attached.
@@ForrestMystic the whole trick is it usually takes quite a decent time for a woman to develop the emotional security around such a decision and by that time the f***boy is gone and the man she sleeps with eventually has zero intentions to walk away bc they both like eachother enough
I do not like it when people laugh or act funny when they say " religoous and waiting" what is wrong with waiting? there are people like that and I think those videos should be a bit more inclusive and more respectful of those choices
I agree with you. Because of my beliefs I have not experienced this and most likely will never. If our country stood on moral values and waiting this would not even come up.
A lot of women communicate very clearly what they want and what the conditions are for having sex with a guy and men deliberately pretend they want the same while they don't
Is it ok for a women to engage in casual stuff in her 20s and expect longterm stuff in her 30s
and thats why you HOLD OFF until he makes significant investment into u, whether its time, effort or money.
Every girl eh... that is so untrue. Have you seen young men in their 20s?? Total joke and players to boot. Galvinating around the world as well. No responsibilities or consequences. Keep blaming the girls.. 🤡
@@smith4686 yes offcource
@@maijensen3317 i think its ok for men to play games with women above 30
I love the vulnerability and honesty that you both show all the time. Really important topic, thank you both! ❤
With every new relationship, I have found the best way to gauge how things are going is consistently over time. Of course there needs to be shared vulnerability, but I wouldn’t share all my boo boo’s in the 1st 3 months.
In my early dating life I slept with a guy and then pulled back. The next time I saw him he blasted me for it. Never did that to anyone again!
Taking the stance that I am in complete control over my body in dating is empowering….
Get in their head … before you get in their bed ❤❤
Yes
Wow amazing
How can feelings not develop after sleeping and feeling a connection with someone?
Because not everyone is like you
I have a guy friend who I see occasionally at a mutual friends barn dances. He’s a good dancer and I usually grab him for the dance floor and I enjoy chatting with him. However he wanted to date me and I didn’t have any feelings in that way. I knew it wasn’t fair to him to be asking him to dance because I felt that would be leading him on. So if I can be sensitive enough to not even dance with him how much more important is it for people, especially men to sleep with someone when you know the other person wants more from the relationship? People really need to have more respect for each other.
There is a lack of empathy, for sure. I think women have the power to reverse this hook-up culture a little bit by being more direct and having a chat first.
Dr. Tara Swart gives a great scientific explanation of why men tend to withdraw or detach themselves from the long term commitment.
People love sex and will sleep with you. But not all of the people who want to sleep with you, will be in a serious relationship with you. And that's completely normal. Unless a guy is telling me he wants to be with me and is consistently behaving like he does, I do not assume he is serious about me just because he slept with me. C'mon. I also did not love every man I slept with. I truly desired each of them though 😉
Easy as that! Great comment!
I will never disappear after sleeping with you, haha...!
Thanks a lot for sharing, really great job! 👍😄👏
Honestly I don’t care if they pull away. It’s the COMMUNICATION. just be transparent and set the right expectations
20:04 this part is really good, guys need to level up and women need to decipher them better
I’ve been that guy and a lot of the times I simply couldn’t tell whether I liked the person before hand. I’m now trying to be more tactful with who I pursue sex with so I don’t end up repeating that pattern because I do want a long term meaningful relationship.
I right now am trying to figure this out. I've heard men know before hand if they want something more (depending on the sex appeal of the girl). But can it also be that a the feeling grows after a few months? What do you think (maybe from your and your friends point of view)?
@@Yasmin-pi5pr it honestly probably just varies from person to person. Some people know quickly what they want and if they’re attracted. Others take a while
@@mr.irrelevent8956 thanks for the answer :)
Such great content! Thank you both so much. You are an amazing team!
What if you as a women you do also have an urge or physical desire? At the same time you’re not up to casual sex at all. Thats tricky
Read on how to use your hands
Thank you so much for clarifying! It isn't easy when they aren't honest. How about giving us a checklist! Yay!! We would love that! You guys are the best!
😄
I was in a relationship with a guy for 13 months, we slept together, then he ghosted me.
🌹🌹
If they sleep with you then ghost you, there is your answer
This is why men who spin plates will sabotage themselves of finding that right person bc women who are not okay with a guy sleeping around with multiple women at the same time will NOT stick around when in fact those are the quality of women most men desire in a long term relationship.
So true. I myself can say I did this. Also I did it due to low self esteem etc. no excuse just telling some reasons.
Also it kept me going feeling I had a backup in case I would feel more for a girl and maybe she did not feel this for me back.
I can talk that I only started doing this after a girl broke my heart and I went on a bad boy journey that took some time to distance myself from
And I know my journey is far from unique
So does he ever answer the question?
Definitely people need to be more self aware and be willing to ask direct questions if they are looking for love. I agree with matthew that i don't think most people are liars. They are just very good at avoiding hard discussions. But if you ask direct questions early on in the casual relationship, most people will (reluctantly) give you their honest answer and know that you are not one to be played with because you asking direct questions show you have self respect for yourself and strong boundaries. Even if you’re only looking for casual sex you should never have sex with someone unless you're comfortable talking about sex in full detail. During my whore phase i never do one night stands. And before i i start a casual sex relationship with someone we have a full discussion on our boundaries and turn ons. I ask them if they're single.
I only slept with single people abd those who are practicing ethical non monogamy. People who are wanting to cheat on their monogamous partner or someone looking for a step mom for their kids are cut. I also exchanged new sti papers and i check their I.D. to make sure that its their sti test instead of using some else's. But if they are just casual then i keep them separate from my family and friends so they know they're not important to me romantically but i do respect them and enjoy their company.
Im also weary of women who complain that i guy "used them for sex" if they're not open to having an honest though discussion about sex and love. If you are conveniently avoiding serious topics then its easy to assume that the guy you're sleeping with doesn't mean much to you if you are not willing to have a real conversation with them. Just going on dates(where women rarely pays for the bill) and f*cks them.
That does NOT require a "high" degree of integrity! Are you kidding?? Having the wherewithal not to purposely con someone for you to sexually exploit them is just basic common decency! It's seriously fucked up to normalize predatory coercion and to minimize just how repugnant and abusive that behavior actually is, by suggesting it takes an abnormal sense of morality to resist it! No, all it takes to resist the dishonor of preying on women is not being pathologically entitled and having just a modicum of basic respect for others! Not being a predator takes BARE MINIMUM decency!
This was such a great topic. Love the insight
I agree
So helpful! I made notes in my phone of both of your "script" ideas for these kinds of conversations because I find I really hard to express these things to someone else in a. balanced and empowered way...
Great script Audrey. An ex coming back after 18 months expecting sex bc we already had sex. NO, not until we’re in a committed relationship. Not willing to be in his rotation.
Amazing episode you guys. Thank you Matthew for pointing out that these generalisations aren't always true; I see it in most male friends of mine. This is not a man vs. women debate per se, just a more avoidant vs anxious debate and people having different ways of operating
Great conversation that brought up some old pains from the past but validating to how I feel and how I am deciding to move forward.
I completely agree when he said we should be asking are we going to be OK if nothing comes out of this and I believe this is the secret. Should not be giving the power to anyone. We shall feel free to decide, love and feel whatever the outcome is. In life there is nothing guaranteed, forever love included ✨🙏❤️ thanks for the conversation. Enjoyed it lots. Both are amazing 😉
It probably has more to do with a person’s attachment style and whether or not they have a sex/love split than with gender
Exactly. But this info is not so popular as it don’t feed the “men are bad guys” agenda
Mathew I have a question!!! I think needs to be discussed. I get men ask me for exclusive relationship so they can get in and cut competition but than stop putting effort…. How to go about it
Withdraw the exclusivity. Why allow them to have something they want without them earning it? It's earned every day, not just until it's given.
He did address it. Yes, some men lie.
I was once told by a man that "men give "love" to get sex....while women give sex to get "love".
I feel that is generally true, particularly for insecure people.
I feel like a lot of people just want him to say those men are bad period end of story and not point out that you’re the only variable you can change which is what he constantly drives home here. Are you comfortable enough with this person? Is there a real connection? Is it just a moment that will pass? Have I had a hard conversation on where we stand as a couple? It’s all designed to make you really think…. have I done all I can to make a safe bet on this person I’m sharing myself with?
Now, Is there a foolproof 100% effective way to weed these people out? I don’t think there is but explaining why men do this which is what the question is. It’s not defending it, it’s explaining it. Sure once you explain why, it sounds bad but explaining any bad person’s motives sounds that way. Bad bad bad doesn’t console someone who wants that explanation. Some people find closure in the why.
I Loved this video, and its content. This was very informative and interesting, very real on this subject matter! Thank you
I agree with all of this... its a very interesting subject. I am all about owning things.
I always watch your channel and let me say this, loved her here! She brought balance and a femenine (not female) side to the discussion (that you sometimes lack, and not in a bad way). Good to see her and this overrall. :)
Wow Matthew - Audrey is spot on. Wish you would stop defending male bs
Because he believes the woman does this with every man. He believes this is her character
Hi Matthew & Audry. I loved this Episode. After a bit of 1 yr following you & my severe break up w my Narissitic partner of 5 years. I have met someone and would like to see where this goes but your sex conversation and holding my standards and power is very important to me. This new person I have seen 1x but we have been having live conversations and a 2nd date planned but he thinks I am a very sexy & I don't want to lose my power in the next dates to follow. So I will need to be kind but have that conversation w him.
The timing that this came out for me! I just started seeing someone and we’ve had sex once. But I told him the next date that I wanted to wait a while because I really liked him and didn’t want it to be about sex yet. And his response was immediately, respectfully of course. It’s a new leaf for me.
You already gave it up, and now you want him to wait?
That’s a huge red flag for a guy. You are not interested in him. That’s how it looks from his perspective.
That is so nice! I’m glad he appreciates you and is willing to wait. He sounds like a respectable and considerate guy. Good luck with the future dates! Keep us posted!
I think that women don't initiate a conversation about sleeping with a guy before sleeping with a guy is because they think the guy has the same feelings for them !
Am I the only one who wonders why he couldn't just validate that this happens to women & explains maybe why some men who are triggered may become avoidant? Instead he had to turn it around like, "Oh, I know.plenty of men who've had the same experience". Okay great talk about them after maybe. But not addressing the question and only putting accountability on the woman (or man) who sees sex as something meaningful is totally invalidating the point of the question. I believe in personal accountability and being honest with oneself but it almost gets to the point of blaming the person who was hurt by the situation rather than just creating a better understanding of people with a different mindset or attachment type.
A man will do whatever the person allows. If you dont want something. Put a boundary and communicate them. Don’t let yourself be used in these dating streets. God said, "Wait till marriage." That will always be the best wat to go. Sexual intimacy is for marriage. Dont give it away willy nilly. If you cast your pearls before swines, they will turn around and rend you.
Definitely helped me realize I need to have to have the conversation about “where our relationship is going?” with the guy I’ve been dating long distance?
Attachment happens in waves. There is a pull push element to attaching. Observe a young child and they will go through an independent phase followed by a dependent phase. You want to let the child go and individuate when they feel the need to, and be there for them when they come running back. Pursue a child wanting to individuate and it produces angst and anxiety.
Adults aren’t much different. We all have a need to draw close and a need to individuate. Some have that need more than others. Just as it might be a problem for a person to suddenly go cold after sex, on the other side of it, it could also be a problem to not give one the space to reflect and process after the first time being intimate with them.
Not saying this was the case here - life doesn’t come as one size fits all. I’ve seen many good people being chased away because they just needed more time to process things and they were hurried by the other in an entitled way.
“Entitled?” To honesty, integrity, respect? Your epistle is giving sad and bare minimum
Women can be like this too, I think is just that men don’t talk about it.
I loved watching this video! You lightly touched upon trauma, attachment wounding (which I believe is a huge part of this topic-love/intimacy avoidants from earlier childhood emotional neglect.) But I also would've loved if you spoke of the biological component that Dr. John Grey (MarsVenus) also brought to light. Testosterone is at its highest level in men right before sex & following sex it is at its lowest. A male, on a biological level, needs to detach (even if he is emotionally attached to the woman) to 're-up' his male hormones. Dr. Grey says this is done by him hanging out w/his buddies, watching his team win, playing competitive sports, closing a deal at work (financial win.) He also may need to pull away to decipher his larger feelings. Basically, sometimes the separation is completely biological & they should not be made to feel bad if they need to step away (applies only to early stages of dating where time was allowed for both people to develop feelings for each other. At this point, us females can't panic, allow the space, eventually can send a cute friendly picture of yourself having great time someplace fun!)
Good to hear a man being honest about the lack of intention for a lot of men, other than immediately getting that cup of tea because they are thirsty.
He meter said it was a lot of men. Basically he said that it’s similar to women as well
I love to hear you both on this interested topic.
Love bombing
Sweet, naive behaviour
He seemed caring, innocent
Enough to trust him
4 times sex
Close to sexual assault the fourth time, I cannot get into details, but I found myself feeling fear, helpless
I called him out on that behaviour
He left. On the spot.
I feel used. Lost my self-respect. I feel deceived.
Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. Both sides must take risks. I have a friend who’s a 53 year old virgin that judges other women for having sex. She’s going to go into her 60s being a virgin then 70s, then 80s etc. She’s had crushes on men but has never been asked out on a date or ever had a boyfriend. If you never try then you never know. You have to date a lot to meet the right guy. There are absolutely no rules to love. You just have to keep trying and meeting new people.
Thank you so much! This video was phenomenal!
I had sex with my husband on our 1st date. We’re now married for 3 years and with 2 kids. Women should look at this like sex is fun, and if he wants to stay, he will, and you won’t have to guess if he likes you. If he doesn’t stay, why would you want anyone to stay in your life that doesn’t want to be there? Let them go with no resentment because they’re doing you a favor by leaving now.
Fantastic for you... most aren't as lucky. And its not fun after a certain age and being used and abused or let down. And all of this being normalised. I feel bad for the young girls coming up. It was bad enough for my generation. Remember you have children now... they will be growing up into this society.