Boundaries are things you can control! Set a boundary isn’t to control other people it’s to control yourself from spinning out when people aren’t respecting you.
Knowing how to assertively communicate and hold healthy boundaries for yourself also helps when others don't know their healthy boundaries or don't communicate them and then "lose it" at you out of seemingly nowhere. Though a video on this would be helpful still.
Thank you for posting this video! People keep saying set better boundaries and I am always wondering how? 🤔 This video really demystified the whole process. Thank you again! 😇
Such great info and empowerment! You can never get enough 'scripts' of expressing your boundary.❤ So weird, but I love my boundaries thus far. They are really saving my life! It does get easier to enforce them.🙏❤
Some anxiety is good for us. As you say it helps is in many situations... Like taking a test, it helps us to study, a little anxiety about what I'll make for dinner helps me to go to the shops or look up a recipe.
Hii..thank you for your content they are extremely useful ❤️✨️ Will you be able to teach us about " how to communicate better as an anxious person " and about feelings like constant disappointment in things?
I don't really have concrete boundaries with my parents and sister, that I can properly word because they seem to go unsaid but are still noticeable. There is someone in my family who I do not feel comfortable and one of my boundaries with them was to say no when it came to doing things for or with them. I would often have moments where I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to hurt their feelings or because I didn't want to put my parents or sister in an uncomfortable position either After a while I realised that I felt too anxious around him and allowed myself to say no without feeling discomfort over that boundary Side note: I have general anxiety disorder
It makes most people generally anxious when they start allowing others to sit in their emotions and allow themselves to deal with their own feelings of discomfort. As you get used to tolerating discomfort, you'll get better at setting boundaries
That what I wonder. Sounds like the same thing but “boundaries” sound like the soft version To me you’re not letting something in, so it’s either they “change and accept” or it’s a denied on the application and booted to outside the circle land with consequences and things taken away if not the entire relationship at hand…
i want to be alone without the whole world telling me i'm a weirdo for wanting to be a loner...if i want to sit around once in awhile and watch Netflix all day i will lol
For about two and a half years I have been searching for the explanation AND examples that you have given. Everyone talks about what a boundry is (and isn't), but you are the first one to give clear cut examples beyond the why, to what to say, as well as options on how. The pure gold takeaway that I had never heard before. "What you control... your body, money, time..." I finally feel like I understand, and most importantly... do it! Thank you soo much...❤❤❤
I use to struggle with sooooo much guilt and shame when learning to tell people "no" or "I need space" or "I need time to think about it" etc. I liked the mindfulness book called 30 Days to Overcome Guilt by Harper Daniels. It helped with my anxiety.
I’ve found that boundaries have to come with consequences. It’s not enough to set boundaries if you’re not going to give consequences to those who violate them. Simply setting boundaries doesn’t always mean people will respect them. In my family, setting a boundary became a challenge for my older siblings. I found it a lot easier to just go no contact eventually, rather than to keep reminding these people that they can’t try to destroy my entire persona.
Yes, that's what boundaries are. People can ' try to destroy your entire persona' and that's when you move your boundary. If you won't stop being abusive on the phone, I'll move my boundary to not answering the phone. If you cannot... I'll go no contact. That's what keeping your own boundaries means. It does not mean people will necessarily respect or adhere to them.
@@KJ-lb4tj it seems like once you set a boundary and figure out a way to get people to adhere to it, they set about trying to figure out a way around it. I deactivated my longterm gmail account, all social media, changed my phone number and even moved all at the same time. This caused me a lot of personal issues which took a lot of time to resolve, with Microsoft, for one, not allowing me access to my own laptop for 30 days, for one, because they need to verify the new phone number via the email address on file, but both had been changed. So I really went through a lot to make sure these people were out of my life for good. But they slipped through by contacting my husband. I ended up having to have a giant meltdown of screaming and crying to finally get him to comprehend how important it was for me to not be contacted by these people. All of the previous years of distress, the moving, the deleting all forms of contact, these things didn’t make him realize how serious I was about this, somehow. He didn’t want to have to be “the bad guy” to my family, so kept open all of these forms of communication. He hates having to be involved in “drama,” so it was easier for him to occasionally pass on messages from them then to block them. I get that he doesn’t feel sick to his stomach and have a two week long panic attack every time these people pop up into his life, but I do. I think he’s finally starting to get it. I thought he got it when he witnessed how they treated me in person, but I guess it takes actually feeling these feelings to truly comprehend.
I am only at the intro but I just realized, that goes for my own self, as well. When my emotional state says "I am not in the mood, not right now, it's too much, it freaks me out" then I need boundaries, goals and ways to gently stop myself. Be my own mentor. Perhaps say: "Yes, now. You can do this. You will be so happy that you did this." (Thank you for all you do and share.)
And that's ok. It's ok to ask for help from others and it's ok to give help to others in a reciprocal relationship. That would be a healthy interdependent relationship. It's not so good when one person is codependent or totally independent.
How to set boundaries 2:13: Be clear on what on you accept and refuse in order to preserve your energy, time and resources. 2:36: Anxiety is created by uncertainty. So, be very clear on what you don’t want, set limits and write them down. 3:38: what to say to an angry family member 4:09: Myths (wanting to always keep others happy is actually egoistic - you want to avoid conflict for your own good, but in the end it is detrimental to everyone) 8:44: 3 steps: (1) Make a request; (2) If-Then; (3) Be consistent; Make “I statements”.
Would someone be willing to give me advice on separating from my spouse? The relationship is horrifically toxic; I've tried for 15 years now to set boundaries, and they, still, to this day, constantly undermine my boundaries. I'm at the point where I want to leave, but I know this is going to cause mayhem. What can I do? What do I need to do? Is this right to do?.... Thank you in advance.
I don’t know how can I thank you. Thank you so much. The videos are helping me to transform my life. I appreciate the effort you give to make our lives better. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Emma has also helped me tremendously, every vid I’ve seen so far have been spot on describing me to a tee , I’m now slowly learning to alter my thinking & ways of putting my life back together.
@@silksatinsilver1 Toxic empathy, or hyper-empathy syndrome, occurs when someone can thoroughly understand and empathize with the feelings and experiences of others, but they take it too far and end up placing others' needs ahead of their own. Toxic empathy can cause you to lose sight of your needs, harming your well-being.
6:47 but what, materially, is the difference between these two? i have to assume if i'm telling someone "you can't talk to me that way" i'm eventually going to hang up anyway. the result is the same
How do you not hurt your family (mom, dad, sister) by setting boundaries? They yell at me and make me feel like I am shallow and selfish. If your family thinks of fighting or expressing your discomfort as something that is ruining a good moment, it's a nice day.. how do I even express myself? Sometimes, family calls and tells me that not advocating to a sibling who uses me like a trash can makes me extremely selfish and bad elder sister who can make a change. Sometimes, making parents happy is my obligation from birth is told to me, which I do try, but as soon as I express myself, I am told I am being awful and if they cry I am the worst person ever. I find it difficult to set boundaries and, at the same time, accept that everyone in the room thinks i am shallow, not good enough to make changes, less accommodating, and selfish . It's so difficult when it's your family
This is one of the best and clearest explanations of boundaries I have ever seen (and I am a therapist!) Thank you. I wish this were taught in elementary school. ❤
What a great video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT VIDEO HUN! LOVE YA! DEALING WITH A NARC! :) You nailed it right on the head!😊😀
This is where I still cannot understand the difference between an ultimatum. I mean to me essentially it boils down to a .. this better happen or else. I feel like the boundary thing is a cute way to say, this S don’t fly in my house. So shape up or ship out 😂 I mean none of us would be motivated if when you walked into work your boss gave you a “glad you showed up on time so I didn’t can your Azz”. Vs a clock in and you go about your work and are reprimanded when you royally F up.
The problem with boundaries is two-fold in my experience- 1) if boundary setting becomes necessary it's because there is a history of a person letting people take advantage in some way and these people (in my experience) don't appreciate a sudden boundary or 2) a boundary usually requires bringing undesirable behavior to someone's attention and most people who need a boundary set aren't open to being called out for their behavior. More often that not, boundary setting using the strategies you've shared have resulted in lost relationships and I've accepted that this is the price I have to pay for years of not setting healthy boundaries. Appreciate your work, Signed, A People Pleaser =(
Agreed 100000% Yep. If you’re at the stage of learning about boundaries it’s usually toxic people who are going to put up a fight or put up a fight going out the door. Healthy people love to hear others boundaries as they want them and have them themselves and give that right to others if they themselves own there’s Kinda like I say. If you’re having to tell someone to be quiet in the theater it seemed a moot point at that point why you’d have to tell grown adults this simple act…
Setting your boundaries isn't calling someone else out for their behaviour. It's simply saying this is what I do and do not allow/put up with. You don't need to call the other person out.
I’ve tried to set a simple boundary. To the person that I reside with. A request of can I please wake up, have my coffee, and sit on my porch for a few minutes in the morning to wake up and get my serenity for the day. This simple request has turned into chaos and extremely toxic and unnecessary blowouts where I’m lied to, manipulated, and gaslit. So now I just walk on eggshells while I deal with my boundaries constantly being smothered.
Or if I ask can they keep their stuff in their side of the sink, so I can have space on my side when I’m getting ready. It turns into a fight where “I’ve attacked and abused them”. And in spite they continue to put their things in my place.
May I make a suggestion to you? I deal with same types of things in my house. I’ve learned you cannot win and when they don’t have enough respect to heed your requests & your boundaries, I’m finding best solution at least for me is to separate myself from them. I’m going so far as to setting up my own bed in another room to have my own space so I can do what I need to do in morning in quiet and to take the time I need. Lock the door if needed. And when the /ANY blowup starts for any reason whatsoever, I leave the house instantly now. I don’t engage, don’t try to explain or argue (you’ll never win). Just walk away and don’t come back until their little hissy fit is over. And if these things don’t work, honestly you may have to consider making a more permanent change/living situation if you want peace in your life. I wish you luck!! I can tell you this… after 10 years of living in a toxic environment, it will catch up to you physically, emotionally, mentally. They don’t change. You will have to make changes to protect yourself.❤
Sounds like a roommate situation? Regardless I suggest getting therapy to go over options. Empowerment. Boundaries. What to do in event like this. How to not build up resentments. . . As that isn’t ok for people to piss all over your simple and actually completely fine request. As someone said above. I mean stress is prolly the most toxic thing we do to ourselves as humans.
@@andreadavis1250 this is also strongly what I would encourage. Staying in this situation with a person who has this “character” and this mentality and disregard for another person… not good and will be very damaging. Everything I’ve read and studied over last 8 years- they don’t change. We have to do all in our power to protect ourselves from these kinds of people. And especially if not a spouse and if leaving is an option, I strongly encourage you to get out as fast as you can! Go live your life in peace…before the toxicity affects your health
Okay, I can agree with most of this, but my concern is I've had so few boundaries in my social relationships that once I start putting them in place, it'll make me seem like a completely different person. I'm afraid that going from one extreme to the next is just going to make people wary and push me away. And YES, I know: *I cannot control how other's think and feel* The fact remains is that I have SO FEW social relationships that if they push me away, I'll have *_no one_* . . . I've been in that space before and it (my mind) very nearly k*lled me. ***As a side note: therapists state that kindness out of fear is not actually being kind towards others. BUT THE MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION DOES *NOT* KNOW THAT. THEY SEE YOU WITHHOLDING KINDNESS AND CAN EASILY ASSUME YOU'VE JUST STOPPED CARING.
I know it's not the same as what you're going through, but I've been working on unmasking as a late diagnosed autistic person. I learned I really don't need to do it all at once. A lot of unmasking is kind of like setting boundaries. It's certain ways that I ask others to treat me for my well-being (to let me fidget without treating me like I'm weird), and not apologizing for having needs or times when I need to say no (like if I cannot handle the loudness of the mall on a day). For me, a big part of it was testing the waters in small ways to see how people react, and getting used to the discomfort of 'being rude', and learning how to do 'rude' things (like spinning in circles in a desk chair listening to someone) while still being kind and respectful. Doing things like making the amount of eye contact that's comfortable to me was an easy way to start that most people barely noticed, and for people I'm close to I explained why and how it affects me. I can see maybe doing small things to set boundaries around time being potentially easier ways to start. For the people who you trust most, maybe opening up about the things that you're struggling with in regards to boundaries could be helpful so they can work with you on boundaries and how to support you. For me, telling my friends I couldn't go to a restaurant without any additional information may have hurt their feelings if they were missing me, but letting them know it was because the restaurant was way too loud for me to ever go to, but I still want to spend time with them in other ways or at different restaurants or have them get take-out from there and eat it somewhere else worked way better. They learned how loud can affect me in that situation and later ones, and that it wasn't anything to do with them or their friendship. But if I had gone even though I was uncomfortable, I would have been too stressed to even enjoy any of it and it would take a significant toll on my energy and well-being, and they may have thought I was upset at them anyway. When I got more comfortable with eye contact and stuff, I started letting myself fidget in the grocery store, kind of higher stakes things. It felt very scary at first, but over time became easier. Now, when I meet new people (for socializing, I'm more careful in professional settings) I'm very open about being autistic and how that affects my communication style. I have to deal with a lot more rejection, but it also does mean that the people I have are people who respect me and I can be myself 100% around. Slowly incorporating higher stakes boundaries that may require difficult conversations or may be less intuitive for others can be easier once you've slowly added a few easier boundaries and gotten more comfortable with the discomfort of keeping them. And when you meet new people, you can have those boundaries from the get-go. Boundaries are really hard, and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. I wish you all the best and hope it gets easier for you over time. You can do it!
Hello, your content is amazing. What I want to ask is, would you also conduct studies on toilet anxiety, which is a cause of agoraphobia? For some reason, this is an issue that no professional talks about and is ignored. The content about this has only been created by brave people who are experiencing the situation, but in fact, experts like you can help thousands of people who suffer from this pain. I hope my comment reaches you and I can learn your thoughts. thanks
This was the best explanation of boundaries I've ever heard. I like how you differentiated between "nice" and kind, explained the difference between what is and what is not your control, and even added that people can respond how they like
Is it setting boundaries on others as you mentioned? Or boundaries on yourself for others. Regardless if others follow. Also, as you said, you can allow people to go wrong." Unless, its harmful to them, others or society.
When I found out my support worker was cheating me I got rid of them. I set the boundaries but if I knew sooner I would of get rid of them straight away. I disagree with the view that human relationships are complex/hard as we are going to end up in a hole in the ground oneday so I personally am greatful for those who are close to me... too late when your 6 feet under.
My therapist used the Tennis field metaphore: you should play on your own side of the field and not also try to go to the other persons side to play for them.
My sons mom, ironically a therapist working on her doctorate with an IFS focus, sees my attempts at boundaries as cause to wreck my life. All these reasonable suggestions do not work without power. She has my son and the court system is her nightmare enforcement arm. The only boundary I can draw is when I eventually drop dead, because then she won't be able to reach me anymore but then my son is on his own with her...
Everyone has boundaries and that includes legal ones that unfortunately it fortunately we are bound to. The only way to fight legal boundaries is with the law.
How can we set boundaries for long term lack of action on the part of a significant other? Like them applying for and getting a job in order to keep living with you, as you pay the rent in full?
If you choose to not get a job. Then ( list consequences or things taken or what you will do ) will be enacted and enforced starting ( when you will follow through with what you stated will happen ) Obviously this sounds like a difficult situation for you. You can always seek out a therapist for people pleasing / codependency. Most therapists trained in codependency as a main focus. You say one sentence and they already know where you are ….
"You've got to allow other people to be upset. And you've got to allow other people to be responsible for their own feelings." ❤
❤thank you .
Boundaries are things you can control! Set a boundary isn’t to control other people it’s to control yourself from spinning out when people aren’t respecting you.
Knowing how to assertively communicate and hold healthy boundaries for yourself also helps when others don't know their healthy boundaries or don't communicate them and then "lose it" at you out of seemingly nowhere. Though a video on this would be helpful still.
If people include you to use you, they don’t really care about you.
Yes, so why would you let yourself be included?
Thank you for posting this video! People keep saying set better boundaries and I am always wondering how? 🤔 This video really demystified the whole process. Thank you again! 😇
Such great info and empowerment! You can never get enough 'scripts' of expressing your boundary.❤ So weird, but I love my boundaries thus far. They are really saving my life! It does get easier to enforce them.🙏❤
“once people know what your boundaries are, they eventually stop pushing them” i gotta start saying things 😞
Boundaries are important in this day and age. Thanks
They've always been important in every day and age 😊
Thank you so much ❤
Thanks for this. Very helpful. I need to practice more.
This is SO super helpful and knowledgeable, thank you so much!
You are amazing. I love your channel. ❤
I love all the work you do. Youn are my hero. God bless your work!
Thank you so much for this🙏
Imagine setting boundaries with your employer
You could do it and not need to imagine it😊
Very helpful information. Thank you!
There’s a noticeable shift in tone around 4:34. It’s difficult to ignore the pontificating and focus on the core message.
thanks for sharing!
I like some anxiety. It beats being bored or depressed.
My living situation helps though.
Some anxiety is good for us. As you say it helps is in many situations... Like taking a test, it helps us to study, a little anxiety about what I'll make for dinner helps me to go to the shops or look up a recipe.
Hii..thank you for your content they are extremely useful ❤️✨️ Will you be able to teach us about " how to communicate better as an anxious person " and about feelings like constant disappointment in things?
Love from Afghanistan
This information would’ve been helpful in thepast when people were overstepping my boundaries
It's good you found it now for tricky people in the future... They'll always be there😊
I don't really have concrete boundaries with my parents and sister, that I can properly word because they seem to go unsaid but are still noticeable.
There is someone in my family who I do not feel comfortable and one of my boundaries with them was to say no when it came to doing things for or with them.
I would often have moments where I didn't want to say no because I didn't want to hurt their feelings or because I didn't want to put my parents or sister in an uncomfortable position either
After a while I realised that I felt too anxious around him and allowed myself to say no without feeling discomfort over that boundary
Side note: I have general anxiety disorder
It makes most people generally anxious when they start allowing others to sit in their emotions and allow themselves to deal with their own feelings of discomfort. As you get used to tolerating discomfort, you'll get better at setting boundaries
@@KJ-lb4tj Thanks I appreciate that
Thanks! For giving me therapy in Christ Jesus of Nazareth..
What's the difference between "if, then" boundaries and ultimatums?
That what I wonder. Sounds like the same thing but “boundaries” sound like the soft version
To me you’re not letting something in, so it’s either they “change and accept” or it’s a denied on the application and booted to outside the circle land with consequences and things taken away if not the entire relationship at hand…
Exactly.
👍👍👍👍
"Being kind is doing what's best for people. And sometimes that means taking care of yourself. " ❤
Ma'am your hair is most beautiful.
i want to be alone without the whole world telling me i'm a weirdo for wanting to be a loner...if i want to sit around once in awhile and watch Netflix all day i will lol
Don't worry about what other people think. It's completely ordinary to be introverted
Hell yeah!
That sounds amazing! I like being alone. 😊
For about two and a half years I have been searching for the explanation AND examples that you have given. Everyone talks about what a boundry is (and isn't), but you are the first one to give clear cut examples beyond the why, to what to say, as well as options on how.
The pure gold takeaway that I had never heard before. "What you control... your body, money, time..." I finally feel like I understand, and most importantly... do it!
Thank you soo much...❤❤❤
At 48 I'm just learning this, losing friends because I'm no longer willing to give way more then I get.
43 🙋🏼♀️
What matters is that we're learning.
This should be taught in every school!!!
Yes! Our kids need to know how to be healthy in relationships! 🙌🏼
As a teacher I second that; 100% this shld b taught in schools!
Crap I just found this so I gotta go back and watch the first 27 videos
You won't regret watching the other 27 videos 😊. Go for it!
😂
Due to your videos I helped myself and cured monophobia and agoraphobia without any medication. Thank you Emma! ❤
"If then" response, is much better than, "You can't" to me like that
Yes! It helps me to have an example of how it's done. That's a kind and clear phrase.
Exactly because people 'can' ..... You are not in control of the other person only your own response
4:09 3 Faulty beliefs that stop us from setting boundaries
8:44 3 Steps for setting a boundary
You have no idea how much I needed this. Thank you.
I use to struggle with sooooo much guilt and shame when learning to tell people "no" or "I need space" or "I need time to think about it" etc. I liked the mindfulness book called 30 Days to Overcome Guilt by Harper Daniels. It helped with my anxiety.
Thanks going to check it out. I’ve been on my boundary / codependency / people pleasing journey for about two years now.
We can’t get mad at people for overstepping boundaries if you didn’t place any or honor them to begin with.
I’ve found that boundaries have to come with consequences. It’s not enough to set boundaries if you’re not going to give consequences to those who violate them. Simply setting boundaries doesn’t always mean people will respect them. In my family, setting a boundary became a challenge for my older siblings. I found it a lot easier to just go no contact eventually, rather than to keep reminding these people that they can’t try to destroy my entire persona.
Yes, that's what boundaries are. People can ' try to destroy your entire persona' and that's when you move your boundary. If you won't stop being abusive on the phone, I'll move my boundary to not answering the phone. If you cannot... I'll go no contact. That's what keeping your own boundaries means. It does not mean people will necessarily respect or adhere to them.
@@KJ-lb4tj it seems like once you set a boundary and figure out a way to get people to adhere to it, they set about trying to figure out a way around it. I deactivated my longterm gmail account, all social media, changed my phone number and even moved all at the same time. This caused me a lot of personal issues which took a lot of time to resolve, with Microsoft, for one, not allowing me access to my own laptop for 30 days, for one, because they need to verify the new phone number via the email address on file, but both had been changed. So I really went through a lot to make sure these people were out of my life for good. But they slipped through by contacting my husband. I ended up having to have a giant meltdown of screaming and crying to finally get him to comprehend how important it was for me to not be contacted by these people. All of the previous years of distress, the moving, the deleting all forms of contact, these things didn’t make him realize how serious I was about this, somehow. He didn’t want to have to be “the bad guy” to my family, so kept open all of these forms of communication. He hates having to be involved in “drama,” so it was easier for him to occasionally pass on messages from them then to block them. I get that he doesn’t feel sick to his stomach and have a two week long panic attack every time these people pop up into his life, but I do. I think he’s finally starting to get it. I thought he got it when he witnessed how they treated me in person, but I guess it takes actually feeling these feelings to truly comprehend.
Excellent, I didn't know this information in my 70+ years of living. I need to work on this. Thank you!
I am only at the intro but I just realized, that goes for my own self, as well. When my emotional state says "I am not in the mood, not right now, it's too much, it freaks me out" then I need boundaries, goals and ways to gently stop myself. Be my own mentor. Perhaps say: "Yes, now. You can do this. You will be so happy that you did this." (Thank you for all you do and share.)
I am so grateful for your videos and especially needed this one today. Thank you so much!!!
When people ask for help, they’re thinking of themselves, not you.
And that's ok. It's ok to ask for help from others and it's ok to give help to others in a reciprocal relationship. That would be a healthy interdependent relationship. It's not so good when one person is codependent or totally independent.
Everyone can ask for help, and you can say no to that request if that's what you need to do.
How to set boundaries
2:13: Be clear on what on you accept and refuse in order to preserve your energy, time and resources.
2:36: Anxiety is created by uncertainty. So, be very clear on what you don’t want, set limits and write them down.
3:38: what to say to an angry family member
4:09: Myths (wanting to always keep others happy is actually egoistic - you want to avoid conflict for your own good, but in the end it is detrimental to everyone)
8:44: 3 steps: (1) Make a request; (2) If-Then; (3) Be consistent; Make “I statements”.
Thanks
NO ANXIETY 2024
I love the idea but anxiety is necessary sometimes.
Let’s aim for No Unnecessary Anxiety in 2024!!
Would someone be willing to give me advice on separating from my spouse?
The relationship is horrifically toxic; I've tried for 15 years now to set boundaries, and they, still, to this day, constantly undermine my boundaries. I'm at the point where I want to leave, but I know this is going to cause mayhem.
What can I do? What do I need to do? Is this right to do?....
Thank you in advance.
I don’t know how can I thank you. Thank you so much. The videos are helping me to transform my life. I appreciate the effort you give to make our lives better. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Emma has also helped me tremendously, every vid I’ve seen so far have been spot on describing me to a tee , I’m now slowly learning to alter my thinking & ways of putting my life back together.
I love your explanations of concepts in your videos. Thank you so much for taking the time to do them ♥️
This reminds me of toxic empathy.
What is toxic empathy?
@@silksatinsilver1 Toxic empathy, or hyper-empathy syndrome, occurs when someone can thoroughly understand and empathize with the feelings and experiences of others, but they take it too far and end up placing others' needs ahead of their own. Toxic empathy can cause you to lose sight of your needs, harming your well-being.
6:47 but what, materially, is the difference between these two? i have to assume if i'm telling someone "you can't talk to me that way" i'm eventually going to hang up anyway. the result is the same
How do you not hurt your family (mom, dad, sister) by setting boundaries? They yell at me and make me feel like I am shallow and selfish. If your family thinks of fighting or expressing your discomfort as something that is ruining a good moment, it's a nice day.. how do I even express myself? Sometimes, family calls and tells me that not advocating to a sibling who uses me like a trash can makes me extremely selfish and bad elder sister who can make a change. Sometimes, making parents happy is my obligation from birth is told to me, which I do try, but as soon as I express myself, I am told I am being awful and if they cry I am the worst person ever.
I find it difficult to set boundaries and, at the same time, accept that everyone in the room thinks i am shallow, not good enough to make changes, less accommodating, and selfish . It's so difficult when it's your family
Wow, so much wisdom and break through thinking to me...Your sharing is a light bulb moment. Thank you so much Emma! You are a blessings.
what if your boss or other people don't respect your boundaries
This is one of the best and clearest explanations of boundaries I have ever seen (and I am a therapist!) Thank you. I wish this were taught in elementary school. ❤
My poor mom doesn't know that she is mentally unhappy
Thank you for giving us your time. I'm sure we all appreciate you.
I do agree with emma about us only being able to control what we can. And i agree with emma that you shouldn’t try to change others.
Excellent video. I always had difficulty saying no and explaining this to people. Thankyou.
Thank you for this very informative and very helpful video!
What to do if the grandparents don't respect the boundaries regarding their grandkid's safety and nutrition AT ALL?
Change your boundaries. If you don't do this .. I'll do this... The grandkids will only see you with me there etc.
I needed this! Thank you
You're doing God's work. Thank you!
This helped me a lot 😢
Yep.... it's because I am selfish.... kinda like victim blaming..... wow..... wow girl..... baby girl
What a great video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT VIDEO HUN! LOVE YA! DEALING WITH A NARC! :) You nailed it right on the head!😊😀
If only I would’ve had this video 45 years ago. Great video…
How come exercising elevates anxiety, does it mimic the symptoms when body is under exercising distress?
This is where I still cannot understand the difference between an ultimatum.
I mean to me essentially it boils down to a .. this better happen or else. I feel like the boundary thing is a cute way to say, this S don’t fly in my house. So shape up or ship out 😂
I mean none of us would be motivated if when you walked into work your boss gave you a “glad you showed up on time so I didn’t can your Azz”. Vs a clock in and you go about your work and are reprimanded when you royally F up.
Another banger!
Thank You , you really gave me something to think about 🍀
Great advice!!!!
THank you so much this is so helpful !!!
Thank you Emma!
The problem with boundaries is two-fold in my experience- 1) if boundary setting becomes necessary it's because there is a history of a person letting people take advantage in some way and these people (in my experience) don't appreciate a sudden boundary or 2) a boundary usually requires bringing undesirable behavior to someone's attention and most people who need a boundary set aren't open to being called out for their behavior. More often that not, boundary setting using the strategies you've shared have resulted in lost relationships and I've accepted that this is the price I have to pay for years of not setting healthy boundaries. Appreciate your work, Signed, A People Pleaser =(
Agreed 100000%
Yep. If you’re at the stage of learning about boundaries it’s usually toxic people who are going to put up a fight or put up a fight going out the door.
Healthy people love to hear others boundaries as they want them and have them themselves and give that right to others if they themselves own there’s
Kinda like I say. If you’re having to tell someone to be quiet in the theater it seemed a moot point at that point why you’d have to tell grown adults this simple act…
Setting your boundaries isn't calling someone else out for their behaviour. It's simply saying this is what I do and do not allow/put up with. You don't need to call the other person out.
❤ excellent video
❤❤🎉🎉
Namastey
I’ve tried to set a simple boundary. To the person that I reside with. A request of can I please wake up, have my coffee, and sit on my porch for a few minutes in the morning to wake up and get my serenity for the day. This simple request has turned into chaos and extremely toxic and unnecessary blowouts where I’m lied to, manipulated, and gaslit. So now I just walk on eggshells while I deal with my boundaries constantly being smothered.
Or if I ask can they keep their stuff in their side of the sink, so I can have space on my side when I’m getting ready. It turns into a fight where “I’ve attacked and abused them”. And in spite they continue to put their things in my place.
May I make a suggestion to you? I deal with same types of things in my house. I’ve learned you cannot win and when they don’t have enough respect to heed your requests & your boundaries, I’m finding best solution at least for me is to separate myself from them. I’m going so far as to setting up my own bed in another room to have my own space so I can do what I need to do in morning in quiet and to take the time I need. Lock the door if needed. And when the /ANY blowup starts for any reason whatsoever, I leave the house instantly now. I don’t engage, don’t try to explain or argue (you’ll never win). Just walk away and don’t come back until their little hissy fit is over. And if these things don’t work, honestly you may have to consider making a more permanent change/living situation if you want peace in your life. I wish you luck!!
I can tell you this… after 10 years of living in a toxic environment, it will catch up to you physically, emotionally, mentally. They don’t change. You will have to make changes to protect yourself.❤
Sounds like a roommate situation?
Regardless I suggest getting therapy to go over options. Empowerment. Boundaries. What to do in event like this. How to not build up resentments. . .
As that isn’t ok for people to piss all over your simple and actually completely fine request.
As someone said above. I mean stress is prolly the most toxic thing we do to ourselves as humans.
Is it an option to not live with this person?
@@andreadavis1250 this is also strongly what I would encourage. Staying in this situation with a person who has this “character” and this mentality and disregard for another person… not good and will be very damaging. Everything I’ve read and studied over last 8 years- they don’t change. We have to do all in our power to protect ourselves from these kinds of people. And especially if not a spouse and if leaving is an option, I strongly encourage you to get out as fast as you can! Go live your life in peace…before the toxicity affects your health
Please use subtitles
Great video❤
Okay, I can agree with most of this, but my concern is I've had so few boundaries in my social relationships that once I start putting them in place, it'll make me seem like a completely different person.
I'm afraid that going from one extreme to the next is just going to make people wary and push me away. And YES, I know: *I cannot control how other's think and feel*
The fact remains is that I have SO FEW social relationships that if they push me away, I'll have *_no one_* . . .
I've been in that space before and it (my mind) very nearly k*lled me.
***As a side note: therapists state that kindness out of fear is not actually being kind towards others.
BUT THE MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION DOES *NOT* KNOW THAT. THEY SEE YOU WITHHOLDING KINDNESS AND CAN EASILY ASSUME YOU'VE JUST STOPPED CARING.
I know it's not the same as what you're going through, but I've been working on unmasking as a late diagnosed autistic person. I learned I really don't need to do it all at once. A lot of unmasking is kind of like setting boundaries. It's certain ways that I ask others to treat me for my well-being (to let me fidget without treating me like I'm weird), and not apologizing for having needs or times when I need to say no (like if I cannot handle the loudness of the mall on a day).
For me, a big part of it was testing the waters in small ways to see how people react, and getting used to the discomfort of 'being rude', and learning how to do 'rude' things (like spinning in circles in a desk chair listening to someone) while still being kind and respectful. Doing things like making the amount of eye contact that's comfortable to me was an easy way to start that most people barely noticed, and for people I'm close to I explained why and how it affects me. I can see maybe doing small things to set boundaries around time being potentially easier ways to start. For the people who you trust most, maybe opening up about the things that you're struggling with in regards to boundaries could be helpful so they can work with you on boundaries and how to support you. For me, telling my friends I couldn't go to a restaurant without any additional information may have hurt their feelings if they were missing me, but letting them know it was because the restaurant was way too loud for me to ever go to, but I still want to spend time with them in other ways or at different restaurants or have them get take-out from there and eat it somewhere else worked way better. They learned how loud can affect me in that situation and later ones, and that it wasn't anything to do with them or their friendship. But if I had gone even though I was uncomfortable, I would have been too stressed to even enjoy any of it and it would take a significant toll on my energy and well-being, and they may have thought I was upset at them anyway.
When I got more comfortable with eye contact and stuff, I started letting myself fidget in the grocery store, kind of higher stakes things. It felt very scary at first, but over time became easier. Now, when I meet new people (for socializing, I'm more careful in professional settings) I'm very open about being autistic and how that affects my communication style. I have to deal with a lot more rejection, but it also does mean that the people I have are people who respect me and I can be myself 100% around. Slowly incorporating higher stakes boundaries that may require difficult conversations or may be less intuitive for others can be easier once you've slowly added a few easier boundaries and gotten more comfortable with the discomfort of keeping them. And when you meet new people, you can have those boundaries from the get-go.
Boundaries are really hard, and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. I wish you all the best and hope it gets easier for you over time. You can do it!
Hello, your content is amazing. What I want to ask is, would you also conduct studies on toilet anxiety, which is a cause of agoraphobia? For some reason, this is an issue that no professional talks about and is ignored. The content about this has only been created by brave people who are experiencing the situation, but in fact, experts like you can help thousands of people who suffer from this pain. I hope my comment reaches you and I can learn your thoughts. thanks
This was the best explanation of boundaries I've ever heard. I like how you differentiated between "nice" and kind, explained the difference between what is and what is not your control, and even added that people can respond how they like
Setting boundries with friends doesn't make them care about you if that's what you want to achieve.
Is it setting boundaries on others as you mentioned?
Or boundaries on yourself for others. Regardless if others follow.
Also, as you said, you can allow people to go wrong." Unless, its harmful to them, others or society.
When I found out my support worker was cheating me I got rid of them. I set the boundaries but if I knew sooner I would of get rid of them straight away. I disagree with the view that human relationships are complex/hard as we are going to end up in a hole in the ground oneday so I personally am greatful for those who are close to me... too late when your 6 feet under.
My therapist used the Tennis field metaphore: you should play on your own side of the field and not also try to go to the other persons side to play for them.
this is good. i apply most of it and it works for me. it does get easier with time. not more comfortable, though but easier.
Best video iv ever watched on UA-cam, for real
Thank you Emma! 🎉 have a refreshing weekend.
You do a great great great job for us. Thank you very much
This video makes me so anxious...
My sons mom, ironically a therapist working on her doctorate with an IFS focus, sees my attempts at boundaries as cause to wreck my life.
All these reasonable suggestions do not work without power. She has my son and the court system is her nightmare enforcement arm.
The only boundary I can draw is when I eventually drop dead, because then she won't be able to reach me anymore but then my son is on his own with her...
Everyone has boundaries and that includes legal ones that unfortunately it fortunately we are bound to. The only way to fight legal boundaries is with the law.
NO is a complete sentence
Thank you for the help
Brilliant info.
How can we set boundaries for long term lack of action on the part of a significant other? Like them applying for and getting a job in order to keep living with you, as you pay the rent in full?
If you choose to not get a job. Then ( list consequences or things taken or what you will do ) will be enacted and enforced starting ( when you will follow through with what you stated will happen )
Obviously this sounds like a difficult situation for you. You can always seek out a therapist for people pleasing / codependency. Most therapists trained in codependency as a main focus. You say one sentence and they already know where you are ….
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