Every time someone asked me if I thought a guy was cute in high school I’d just be like “ah, yes. He is anatomically correct. Eyes. Two of them. Arms. A good thing to have.”
I didn't realize I was ace until I was an adult but now that I look back on my childhood I can see that it didn't just come out of blue, the biggest sign was that I did my school project on Artemis every chance I got.
This feels a bit like my experience. I actually used to think "I want a romantic relationship, so therefore I can't be asexual" due to the fallacy of sexuality is the same as romantic preference. It feels good to recognize my Aceness, it even helped me to beat my suicidal thoughts.
As a trans person, the experience of feeling like your experience must be universal and also vaguely unpleasant is one that's speaks to me on a fundamental level.
as an ace trans/non-binary person, i felt like it was more relatable to my transness than asexuality. “as soon as i hit puberty i suddenly got significantly unhappier, puberty makes people really upset i guess” “i hate having this part of my body, wish it was gone. dang, it sucks being a teenager, we have such horrible self images” (remembers gender is a thing i havent thought about yet) *OH SHIT*
I remember reading somewhere that aces used to be considered part of the bisexual community in some places because they experienced the same level of attraction to men and women, even if that level was 0.
its also worth noting that ive read a fair few ace realization stories and at least half of them thought they were bi before they realized they were ace. myself included
ehremaaaaa... yes and no. In terms of sexual attraction. Oh yeah, it's equal I have zero attraction to either. But I have an aesthetic leaning towards girls. Doesn't mean, I don't think boys can be attractive aesthetically. Just generally I think girls are more attractive.
It's so heartwarming to hear Red being so hyped about being ace I feel you, it's awesome to finally learn that you are SOMETHING (not just weird or something like that)
Wholeheartedly agree! Gosh that small feeling in the back of your mind of "something feels off but everything is normal" is exactly what I felt all through high school then college until I learned about asexuality and actually pondered it. When things click, it feels amazing! Like, just knowing you're not "broken" or something!
For me, it was kind of a lightning bolt like, "WAIT... Everyone else actually feels this stuff? REALLY?! HUH!" Like, I knew I was not interested at all, but it just never really occurred to me that other people WERE.
@@wordforger YUP!! Me too. Until then I just thought everyone else was exaggerating. Especially since my religious purity obsessed churchschools (GO FIGURE) were utterly Obsessed to the point you’d get spittle on your face if you got sat too close to the front when they’d go off about Controlling The Urge TM (and ofc it was all Male Gaze Only and Policing Tween&Teen&Adult women’s bodies…) so…there were a bunch of repressed allo girls and women and ofc ace girls and women who all just glance at eachother and unanimously decide “yeah. They’re all nuts.” (And maybe cracking a Nut Joke after being forced to sit through that.) Wasn’t really until college when allo women realized they were allo, and ace women were “wait. So that IS a thing. HUH.” (Which is Also when women typically realized if they were Hetero or Actually Bi/Pan or Lesbian. Or not actually ciswomen at all. One openly butch lesbian became student chaplain then transitioned. So…not a woman afterall, actually a transman.)
This is seriously almost exactly my experience. Assumed I was straight, realized boy and girls didn't feel different so wondered if I was bi, found out ace was a thing and was elated.
@@fabi3790 Ace is asexual: no or very rare/very specific sexual attraction. (Not the same thing as “low libido.”) Podcast explains it pretty well. Ace can also buddy up with Aromantic (no or rare/specific romantic attraction), and gender attractions (hetero, lesbian, gay, bi/pan/omni) There’s not really a solid distinction between Bi, Pan, and Omni. Technically Bi means “two” and Pan and Omni mean “all”, but many people who identify as Bi are “2+” or “all” while Pan is often expressed as “3+” and Omni isn’t used much at all. But basically all three are “more than one gender”. So someone who identifies as Bi As In Two can be attracted to women and men, OR they can be attracted to, say, men and nonbinary folk. It’s also possible for an asexual person to Also identify as Aro(antic spectrum) and still have gender attractions. One of my best friends is lesbian aroace; I’m bi aroace . Red’s described herself as panace in the past, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pan aroace or aroace, which all still work (and labels are supposed to be flexible-try it on, see if it fits, change it out if it doesn’t. It’s all valid here.) Blue (think it’s this podcast) recently realized he’s ace, so he’s definitely hereroace (or biace; he was right about that one actor and aesthetic attraction can be an Academic Knowledge of attractiveness (like a painting) or “gosh you’re so pretty sorry for staring.” Then again, people can, y’know, simply have an Awareness of attraction regardless of attraction-orientation. Digressing.) (*It’s also possible for someone to only be attracted to nonbinary/agender/genderfluid persons, but to my knowledge we don’t have a term for that yet. Imo we need one, as these people identify as different genders or spectrums of genders inbetween Identify Male and Identify Female.)
Red is such an ace icon,, like, her videos are already stellar, but then the comments she'll randomly make that no allo person could ever dream of coming up with and delivering in such a way,, the way I can't think of another youtuber who integrates stuff about asexuality into more than maybe a single video(without asexuality being the topic of said video) and the way she talks about it and spreads the fact that it's a thing that exists when it's often overlooked due to being the lack of smth,,, I just really appreciate her tbh,, stan red
Oh gosh, I'm not even ace, but I realised recently that I am trans. Hearing her talk about that assumption that everyone is unhappy with something about themselves, everyone has those thoughts they just have to bury and ignore all their life, is exactly the same assumptions I had. Realising that it's not normal to feel unhappy in that way, and that there's something I could do about it, I don't have to feel so discontent for the rest of my life, that was the most world-shattering and exciting moment of my life. So I absolutely empathise with the excitement as well, and it's such a nostalgic thing to hear her describing it, even for a totally different discovery than mine.
basically this but it happened with my asexuality a few years ago and now it's about being trans, although with a lot less excitement about that part, like I do have the feeling of "Oh, damn, that's me", but considering the current context, it kinda filled me with dread ? You used the word world-shattering and it's basically that. As for how the thing became an option in my mind, I discovered the concept of being agender, which I relate to a lot, but realized I still had issues with how my body is. Guess i'm trans agender. Took forever to actually hear about that.
I remember being a pre-teen/teen and any time I got a crush on someone, there was always this background noise dread that if we start dating, eventually things will have to get physical and I found myself thinking stuff like “I sure hope that this idea stops being scary to me by the time I’ll have to do it” and “maybe we will break up before we get to that point and I won’t have to do it.” And that is NOT a normal way of thinking, you should NEVER feel scared and repulsed while dating and if you are feeling this way, then something is wrong and you need to stop and figure out what it is. Learning what asexuality is and realizing that this was me was THE BIGGEST relief of my life!
A couple of years before i realized i was ace myself a friend of mine called it. I got really defensive about it still being in that camp of wanting to be normal and not wanting to stand out, then during lockdown i found the UA-cam channel OneTopicAtATime that does videos on the various LGBT subreddits, Inevitably i stumbled upon the videos for r/ace and found the memes incredibly relatable to the point i could see myself reaching the same thoughts, conclusions and jokes as the memes. After watching some ace tiktok i reached a similar moment to red but instead of a resounding realization, mine was more of a Oh Shit moment as i instantly started recontextualizing allot of my childhood and the choices i had made
I was the same with One Topic, lol. I got into his content as an effort to understand my bi friend better and then that set me on the path to figuring it all out
I definitely relate on the "you just assume everyone is like you are" thing and that "everyone feels this way" like, highkey, I didn't realise sexual attraction was real, I thought it was just a thing they did in books or movies to be extra or dramatic, the whole sex sells and advertisements thing completely flew over my head. I only found out I was ace in grade 8(which sounds young now that I'm an adult, but you still saw media and stuff, so the fact it lasted that long) when one of my very allo friends was talking about a girl she liked and I was like "oh, that's a real thing people actually feel and not just made up,, I see...." and promptly realised I was ace. I had even been in my school's gsa in grade 7(and 8) as an "ally" not realising, so I had already heard about asexuality in passing, but didn't really know what it was. Once I realised I was ace, I also thought I was panro, because girls are pretty, and I think I'd had a crush on a guy one time,, but honestly, now, I don't think I could see myself in a relationship with a guy, maybe a girl, and I don't really have crushes,,, so that label, in the last year or 2,, so since around grade 11 or 12 is now tentatively grey panro instead,, and who knows what's up with gender and my complete lack of caring about it at all(really giving me the same vibes as "but nobody actually feels that, it's made up" before I had this realization that trans people care enough to transition and there are probably cis people who care about their gender too, and maybe me not caring might be the outlier, but we're gonna ignore that for now)
DUDE THIS WAS LITERALLY ME TOO!!! i love how universal these feelings and experiences seem; i never thought i was broken or weird for not being attracted to anyone, i always just thought "i have better stuff to do than worry about romance and sex"
@@sosha20 Yeah, that's partially why I stopped paying attention to some online ace communities, a few of them only talk about feeling broken or wrong, and I never felt that, so though it was interesting to hear at first it became a bit boring and was just a downer to read those experiences. I never felt broken, I just didn't understadn people's obsession with having a crush on someone, to the point that my cousin didn't believe me when I said I didn't have a crush. And with the benefit of hindsight the few people I did have a crush on I now realise that I barely got to know them and actually had a crush on the idealised version of them I made up, but not on them. And now when people ask me I'm just "Eh, I wanty to get married at some point but I have no interest rn".
Regarding the gender statement you’ve made, some people experience gender apathy (don’t care about what gender they are). Or if you feel that you have no gender, agender.
Wow. I'm rather happy for the young'uns these days who have more and more resources available. I never heard of Asexuality at all until I hit college age, and at the time there was pretty much AVEN, one or two blogs on Tumblr, and one brand new book (fairly light reading to be honest) that was an essay on why Asexuality is a thing and why there should be more research.
I can easily recognise the attractive traits in a person so for a while I thought I was pan, but then I got into my first relationship and realised that theres a big difference between "pretty" and "sexy" and that caught me off guard a bit. That partner was very sexually attracted to me so it messed up our dynamic (she also turned out to be pretty toxic later on) and I got really nervous about how my asexuality would affect my romantic relationships. Skip ahead a couple years and I have a wonderful girlfriend; we both use the term demisexual and have had a lot of positive and reassuring talks about boundaries. Love her so much.
I identify as demisexual, too! I identified as ace until my junior year of high school which was also the time I formed my first friendship that was *that* deep, if that makes any sense? there was never anyone else I’d ever been so open with as a friend and then some of that romantic and sexual attraction stuff made a bit more sense to me(a lot still doesn’t, but I feel it for this one person). attraction be wild.
red realizing she’s ace honestly reminds me a lot of how i realized i’m trans. like, there’s just this dissonance, but everybody tells you you’re normal and however you’re feeling is what it’s supposed to be like. unfortunately i’m not in an environment where i can just be so open, but i’m glad she was at least
I’m not ace, but Red’s story of realisation sounds really similar to my realisation of me being non-binary. Like I didn’t grow up knowing it existed, and even when I heard about transgender people, it was only binary transgender people who were mentioned, so the most I could question my gender was “Am I a woman? Nah”. And like, I kinda thought that this was just how every cis male felt. And like as I got older I kinda heard the term non-binary but never encountered any non-binary people until this year really, and that’s kinda when it became an option in my mind. It really is fucked that people don’t have options for realising who they are growing up.
The “didn’t realize this wasn’t the norm” thing hit me as well when I found out I’m ace, it’s like a fish in water, you don’t think about it till you see someone breathing air so to speak. Oh and the seeing boys and girls the same way kind of thing also happened, but that lead me to learn I’m panromantic.
For me, the most mindblowing thing in the whole story was the simple acceptance of the society. I can't even imagine something like highschool ace teaclub being a thing in my country.
I'm aro and *very* much relate to the sentiment of "I finally have a word for it". It's like before you have this weird vague anxiety about yourself and how romantic relationships are intrinsically draining and unfulfilling, and then you realize that, no, there's a thing and word and you can just be that way, and it's incredibly liberating to discover such an impactful sense of your identity.
I found the term when I was like 8 or 9 and I was just like "I'll just say I'm ace until that's proven otherwise" and to this day, I still identify with it
It's amazing to me to hear this, because Red's video on Endymion was actually MY first exposure to Asexuality about... 5... 6 years ago?.. and I'm a proud ace now! It's been a bit difficult to manage, with my family background being highly religous and VERY oriented towards marriage and procreation at the highest rate physically possible, and my folks have had to do a lot of narrative revision in order to fit my sexuality in with their worldview (they currently believe I'm "born celibate"). Nevertheless, I'd say I'm managing pretty well now that I at least KNOW that my experience is different from your average milktoast straight person, and it feels so nice to have this little aspec-positive community surrounding OSP ^^
I don't know what your/your family's religion is, but if it happens to be Christianity the apostle Paul is a great example. In one of his epistles he talks of two youths burning with passion for one another and says that they should either be allowed to wed or should practice self control and he also says that he doesn't feel any such attractions/temptations. This is in I Corinthians chapter 7, if you would like more specifics. As a person with an aro/ace sibling who was told by our religious family they were "too young to know yet" I've done my best to support them and I want to support and validate other ace people who are religious and/or have religious families that seem to have trouble accepting it. Paul is all about celibacy so if your family are Christians he's totally your guy. As a Christian who is also pro LGBTQ it can be disheartening to hear people try to use the Bible as a mask for the hate and I want people to feel loved and accepted for who they are, even if they might not agree with me or have the same beliefs as I do. I hope that your family comes to accept and embrace the awesome ace person you are.
What happened for me was: Knew that I basically never wanted sex Hears about the term Asexual "Hmmm, that might be me. but what even is sexual attraction?" Looks it up, and can find no answer that makes sense. Screams into keyboard. "Well, that failed. Who would you realistically want to screw?" Answer: No one. Then, there was an account from a graysexual that I read, where she talks about what sexual attraction felt like, and then I went "Yep, never felt this in my life. Ace as hell."
Very similar haha. I’m in the grey area because I did used to feel sexual attraction for a time in my early teens but then it kinda just stopped happening and it took me a while to even notice lol. Then I did the whole “what is sexual attraction” thing for a few months even though I should have already had an idea, and went through a few labels and slowly got comfortable with considering myself ace. I can never relate to other people’s stories of finding asexuality and immediately knowing it fit them haha. It’s different for everyone lol.
I've never been one to really question what I am; aromatic, ace, straight, gay, bi, or simply awkward as that has never been a major aspect of my life and identity, but for those whom it is a big deal: support them. What may be inconsequential to you may be incredibly important to others and everyone deserves a helping hand.
Not at all involved in sexuality, but I definitely had a similar experience with having aphantasia. I lived basically my whole life without the understanding that other people can *see inside their own heads* which was WILD. Like, was having a conversation with my (now) spouse who I thought was weird and fringe because they could see things so vividly that they didn't always know if they'd watched a movie or read the book. I was totally convinced they were the outlier until I saw a video by another creator about having aphantasia and I was like "Oh, so that's why life has been so hard in certain aspects".
Dude me too! When I learned about aphantasia last year it totally blew my mind, I thought that when people would say to picture something in your head it was just a figure of speech and they really just meant to think about it. Or when people would say that reading a book is like watching a movie in your head I thought it was dumb because I love reading but I've never once experienced anything like a movie in my mind. I can sort of recall things that I've seen before, but only if I concentrate on it and even then it's fuzzy. It was so mind-blowing to learn that those things weren't exaggerations or expressions; it honestly seems like a superpower to me that people would be able to see things like that.
On the opposite end of the spectrum I experienced the same thing with maladaptive daydreaming. Me and mom always thought me pacing in my room listening to music and daydreaming storylines in my head was just a weird quirk I had. Nope, turns out pacing around your room daydreaming is a thing (though not really normal either but it was cool to discover).
I love how everyone in the LGBT+ community has that realisation that, yes you are normal, you have a word about what you are, you are a person, and when you look back into your past and you realise how blatantly its been there the only thing we can say is 'oh' it's part of our love language, and that's a good thing. I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the year, and if anyone insults your sexuality or gender, tell me and i will eat their entire supply of garlic bread forever.
It's weird, because "that's normal, everyone experiences that, it's universal" is exactly how you sweep a lot of misery under the rug and don't get treatment or force yourself into the wrong box.
That moment of realization and relief is so relatable. I'm happy Red didn't encounter much negative pushback in her life because let me tell you, it's not pleasant
Omg the "I don't really have a reason to say no, and I guess that's how everybody feels, so sure!" That exact thing happened to me in high-school haha! This guy asked me out and I was like, well we don't really hang out at all or talk but I also don't have a reason to not to so yeah let's give this a try. No surprise that it didn't last very long lol. I've known I'm ace for a while but it's stuff like that I look back on and I'm just like, oh yeah I'm suuuper ace!
I remember I had an ace, but still romantically attracted gf in high school and then we eventually figured out I was ace too. It was relieving really to learn that I could just do the romance stuff with someone and not have to do anything else. I never realized the two were separate attractions before. Now I have a different ace gf and it's going great. We basically just hang out and go on dates and stuff. Just passed then 1 year dating anniversary.
The Bisexual to Asexual pipeline is so real, and it's hilarious to me how many Ace people have gone through it. "I feel the same amount of attraction toward both men and women [none], so that must mean I'm Bisexual, right?" ~ Teenage me, clueless
Wow, Red's description of what it's like before you start questioning is really accurate(At least for me), I was just never able to put it into words before. I just kinda assumed everyone felt restricted in their life(and gender specifically), so when I realized that it was an option to live how I wanted to live I was ecstatic!
Dude, I did essentially the same thing as red when I found out I was ace. Thought I was bi but then I got a UA-cam recommendation called “what is Asexuality?” Or something and then everything started making sense.
It's taken me awhile to accept the fact that I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum. It's hard to pinpoint, but as Red said, I felt so normal for the longest time not thinking about it. When all my friends started dating people as if their life depended on it, I was slightly annoyed and somewhat concerned I might even be an incel( I didnt understand the obvious fact that they are *involuntary* celibate). The thing that held me back was that I had a straight libido but couldn't actually picture myself ha a sexual relationship with anyone. I still avoid the Lgbt community because I feel like I haven't experienced any sort of oppression but I'm more or less content with living a life all my own. I just wish it was easier to make simple friendships with the opposite sex without it being weird you know?
Same here with having a libido but being unable to picture having that kind of relationship. I was unsure of my validity as an asexual until I found the term aegosexual: an asexual who has sexual fantasies but no desire to actually participate in them, and the aego often isn't in their own fantasy. It's quite a broad umbrella we aces have.
Although I'm straight and don't always agree with everything Red says, I couldn't help but crack a smile listening to this. Her own self-discovery and the happiness she feels...reminded me of when I first learned I was on the Autism spectrum, it warmed my heart a little. Good for you Red.
I personally have a really funny story about my autism when my class had a presentation because of another student and all I could think at the time was "huh, that sounds kind of like me." Even better is when I got home and told my mom only to hear that she'd read an article that same day about it in the newspaper and thought of me as well.
I've been a fan of Red's work for a long time, but this is the first time I've heard that she's ace. She sounds so happy and enthusiastic about it, and that makes me glad. Congratulations on discovering your authentic orientation, Red! I may be years late saying that, but it's still heartfelt.
That is EXACTLY how it was for me. I thought I was straight, then bi, and then finally, in the fall/autumn of 2020 I saw a Deviantart post from someone who had forgotten to upload it during Ace Awareness Week, so I asked what Ace was, and then later googled it too, and I was like “oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh... EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW!” I have since then also realised that I’m also gay. I fall under the Demi-Asexual with... an affinity(?) towards other men, well as being what’s called Alterous, which means the love I feel for others is... complicated, I can’t describe it properly, but learning that word too helped me immensely figure stuff out.
Red’s description of how they felt discovering the term ace (how they were slightly miserable at all times, but thought “I guess this is just normal”) hit me SO hard, but for a different reason: it’s how I felt when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It felt amazing to put a name to all the things I thought were normal but miserable, just part of the human condition.
So many aces just seem drawn together somehow. As a kid, me and my friends were going to different schools, and we sat down and decided we were going to talk about grown up things, like dating. An awkward silence ensued before the conversation turned to dragons. Turns out 3/4 of use were ace
One of the points leading up to my Realization(TM) was I was discussing crushes with someone and I was like "ah yes, where you chose a nice guy who is pleasing to look at, with a personality you like" and the friend I was talking to was like "well yeah but there are, y'know, Other Factors" and the only response my brain could muster to that was a whole lot of question marks. Took me honest to god years later before I stopped and went "Oh!!! Others have an actual driving urge to start making out with that person!!! Fascinating!!!"
I feel very called out. In my journey to coming out as demigender, i didn't fully know i was nonbinary, and i just assumed everyone felt like their gender was not fully them, because i still felt like a boy, just not fully. If you don't fully feel like your gender, that's probably not what you fully are. There are people like me who are multiple genders, so go find yourself. Edit: Kinda weird coming back to this comment now that I've transitioned to demigirl and identify as Aro/Ace
I'm aroace and basically had Red's experience already, but I more recently realized I'm demigender and yeah, it's a pretty similar vibe of just vaguely "off" where none of the available boxes (cis, non-binary, trans) quite fit. I feel closest to my birth sex and don't have any issue with the pronouns, so I'm not trans, but I'm intensely uncomfortable with being called a "woman" or a "girl", so I'm not cis either. It took a long time to figure out there was a kind of 1/3rd ground between the middle ground and each extreme, that I didn't have to be either cis or non-binary, I could be a little of both and there was an actual word for it. Its hard to figure yourself out when things aren't so obviously wrong and you don't see any alternatives that match your experiences, but it's SO worth it when you do.
Question from a confused queer, so I don't feel all that much about gender, but I thought of someone calling me a he and a smile crept on my face, do you know what that means?
@@queen-lilyorjiako268 i don't know. It can, but it can mean a lot of things. I'm just a random person in a UA-cam comment section, so i can't actually give you personal advice, but you should try exploring who you are a bit more and see what your comfortable with.
i love my friend group in highschool, one kid was like "hrmmm I think i'm ace, and I don't think my assigned gender fits me very well" and then we each individually figured out we were some sort of ace or aro and also some flavor of nonbinary or genderqueer, it was beautiful
Apparently it's not uncommon for LGBT folks to unwittingly form friend groups before anyone realizes they fit under the rainbow umbrella somewhere. And then one comes out, which eventually leads the others to discover something about themselves they thought was "normal" was actually a sign of their queerness, and/or come out themselves. I'm not sure if there have been studies on this, but there does seem to be quite a bit of anecdotal evidence.
It's funny that Red actually talked about how she started being more open about her asexuality on the channel so she could let people know it was an option, because she actually was one of the people that helped me realize that I was ace myself! I remember in one of her trope talks (Might've been the Selene video?) where she was talking about aesthetic attraction where she really helped it all make sense. So finding this video now makes me smile because hey, her openness helped out one fellow ace!
Okay, but, srsly, now that my family is finally understanding what "being ace" actually _means_ , I never really have to suffer the awkward "so, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?" question anymore
I was sat in uni two years ago at age 20 and found a post detailing asexuality and I was like oh shit that’s me! So obviously the best thing I do is knit an ace scarf and tell my mum. The life long sex repulsion and love of garlic bread should have made it obvious
Keeping details short, this girl I was dating realized that she was aro/ace through dating me. I’m glad I could help her come to this conclusion, but it was still heart breaking. We were really connecting, but we were still on vastly different wavelengths.
I’m currently questioning things rn and stories like this are super helpful. Also, just… all the ace people I know are cool as hell. Glad to see Red’s keeping up the streak!
It's rather similar if you're genderqueer too. See, growing up I thought that I was a girl, I had to be a girl all the time because that's what everyone said I was, but it rarely...clicked. It was rarely true. I eventually began just ignoring that to have a somewhat not-plagued life and then found out that not only am I genderfluid, but I legit do not care what gender someone refers to me as.
Same. I'm girlflux and I remember being a child and sometimes being "I LOVE being a girl, I couldn't ask for a better gender!" meanwhile other times I was like "..... but what if I WASN'T??" I'd be fascinated a lot with the idea of being a boy, sometimes, although I've found the genders (or lack thereof) I tend to click with at given moments are girl, demigirl, and nonbinary or agender. And I never assumed my gender identity was anything but cis because "well I still feel like a girl at times" and then I found out about genderfluidity and then more specific girlflux (under the genderflux umbrella, which is under the genderfluid umbrella) and I was like "ohhhhh, so the reasons I want a flat chest sometimes is because of THAT"
I'm ace, genderfluid, and also don't care about my pronouns whatsoever. I'd been struggling with the last two and seeing your comment's cheered me up. Thanks, have a wonderful week!
Fun fact: finding out youre autistic is also kinda like this, like exactly like this. All those social expectations noone questions that you reeeeaaally dont mesh with? Yeah, no, nothing at all wrong with that, just not who you are. (But then I also suspect I'm probably agender cuz, again, arbitrary social expectations, not my thing.)
@@TheSpeep YESSS- as someone who's (self-diagnosed) autistic, I've rarely understood social norms or why I wasn't allowed to do certain things. Such as me having to fidget (which I now know is stimming) and I'd have to painfully try look people in the eyes, which wouldn't really last long. And my family would call me a robot for following a strict routine that I don't like having changed. And I also have done a lot of exaggerated expressions and not to mention as a child (and many times still to this day) I rarely understood aspects of people's conversations or social cues. And then I browsed through the internet or autistic people talking about their experienced and realize *why* I was like this, and it's apparently because I'm autistic.
4 step process to becoming ace/aro: 1.) People are very cool and I like them! 2.) Someone asked me if I wanted to date them! I said “No!” 3.) internal panic for several years 4.) Oh I see.... that’s why.
I know I've been ace basically my whole life, with or without knowing the word. But this ONE time I tried the whole song and dance of dating. It was because the guy had a really cool outfit on and I found myself thinking about it for a while after. My brain was like "Wait! What is this? Is this the proverbial crush everyone talks about getting? I have been thinking about this man for longer than two seconds so it must be! I must pursue this since it may be the only time I ever experience this!" Yeah....nope. It was just the outfit. The guy was cool, but nope. It actually was Red talking about aesthetic attraction vs romantic or sexual attraction that helped me realize why I actually thought about this guy for longer than a moment.
I went through high school with largely the same experience of dating being a non-issue, but it's complicated by the fact that I *have* wanted relationships and *have* felt _some_ degree of attraction to certain individuals. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I think I don't have the... let's say "interpersonal experience", to make that judgement.
This story rings so true, and I'm trans, not aro or ace. That background radiation of unhappiness which you assume is just normal was definitely something I knew.
"Doesn't everyone feel this way?" Jesus that hits hard. As a trans woman, you hear "well all guys wish they were girls" so often, and it's like NO THEY FUCKING DON'T (and vice versa for trans men). Even though I knew what being transgender was in college, it took me until I was 34 to realize because of this.
Coming from someone who didn’t know for the longest time that asexuality is a spectrum, and a broad one at that, I relate to this experience so much. Hearing that there are Ace people with a sex drive sent me down a rabbit hole that I emerged from way more comfortable with myself, and I’m so glad that this video was published because just hearing a creator I’ve admire for so long expressing the same feelings I did at learning there’s a word for what I’m going through is really inspiring
As a newly realized ace, I just had no idea about it until I was constantly stressed out when I was engaged to be married and when the engagement was over and broken off. I was happier than I was in the relationship in the first place... So, I had recently told my parents and some of my friends... And not gonna lie I was pretty nervous about telling them and I ended up saying "you know what... Forget this, I'll tell them and face the music later" and now, I feel great that I did tell them and having the support from them
Red’s story is exactly how my realization process went. The feeling the same about men and women and assuming you’re bi until you figure out you’re attracted to neither😂
For my entire life i didnt care about romantic or sexual things and i frequently joked about it with my parents. I had no clue that asexuality was a thing until i talked with a friend about it. and he said sounds like you are asexual and i was like: okay cool so its not abnormal that i dont care about romantic relationships.
So you are Aro/Ace then. Nice. I really only learned about Asexuality as an adult, trying to teach myself stuff about the LGBTQIA+ community that I was never taught about in school. I am glad I have a name for my experience now, but I was just mostly surprised that I was part that said community that I wanted to be a good ally to. Frankly I thought everyone else was just making stuff up about them constantly thinking about sex. Then again, I really should have cottoned on by that point, that if I think everyone else is being wierd that I really should look more into this subject matter. Took me long enough to realise that I was Autustic. LOL.
"The rules don't really apply the same because I'm not within the space of people they were made for". That sentence sums up my experience of realising I was aroace. I was so relieved once I realised that I no longer had to try to stick to society's uncomfortable rules about romance and sex because they simply didn't apply to me
As someone who is trans, I absolutley get the part around 2:12. I grew up in a very cis-hetero centric world, and as someone who is AMAB, I sort of thought that "Me like girl, me am boy." was just how life was going to be forever. Thankfully, I left that world and joined reality. But that's such a mood Red.
I remember that I came out as ace in late 2012, back when asexuality was still pathologised (as if it's not now). My friends and I were having a discussion about sexuality and that got me thinking that "I know that I am not homosexual, nor am I bisexual (because this was back before my wait, am I actually a guy or what... can of worms). I have never really wanted to sleep with someone, so going by scientific naming conventions I guess I am asexual." Imagine my surprise a year or so later when I found out that I did not in fact invent the term.
I remember, before I knew the term "asexual" the best way to describe it for me was to say, I was born without the gene to fall in love. Later at university I read this term for the first time and thought: "Is this what I think it is?" I looked it up and found all these stories describing exactly what I was experiencing. That was, when I first learned that there were different kinds of attraction, which suddenly made a lot of things make sense for me. I've never tried to hide this part of me and up until now I've never had a bad experience. My mom (who is usually pretty accepting) had the hardest time, because she could unterstand being gay/lesbian or bi, she couldn't imagine being neither. Pretty much everyone else was more like: "Cool, whatever you feel the most comfortable with." I don't know if they understand, I don't think they have to. It's enough that they accept it and me for who I am.
I loved this episode so much, because it is EXACTLY how my sexual journey went. Going through considering being bi, exploring relationships, and eventually just realizing that it's not all for me. For a while I even considered I would be biromantic ace, but now I'm settling more into aro ace. It's a journey and I'm still figuring it all out! But it's so cool to see red, a person I have so much respect for as an artist, represent asexuality so well. Much love to Red, Blue, and Indigo! Ace pride!
I appreciate at the end they mentioned you’re not locked into anything because it’s all about self discovery. You use what works for you in the moment. "There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity - at its core, it's just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so." - The Asexual Visibility and Education Network
My experience was kinda messy. I was both super excited to had figured out what I am and awfully terrified of how people would react. I was lucky to be blessed with super supportive friends.
I think what made me realize was when I wondered why people consider some traits more attractive than others meanwhile I was like... "but they're all pretty" and then I started branching out in my art and realized that drawing platonic romance felt way better than the alternative. It was then when I searched around and learned about heteroromantic asexuality.
these comments are filled with so much diversity and it is honestly quite heartwarming to read about what they experienced, gladly most of them are positive, such supporting families
I had a similar experience, when I was in high school, obviously that's a time when a lot of people are starting to discover themselves and one of my best friends was even openly bisexual. I assumed I was straight because *a)* that was considered the norm at the time, and *b)* I'd had crushes before and they were on guys. Of course high school is also a time when a lot of people start becoming active in the dating scene. But not only was I not really getting any solicitations (at least not to my recollection), I wasn't in a big hurry to take the initiative myself. I just didn't want a romantic relationship with anyone. I told myself (and others, like my friends and family) that I was waiting for the right person, and I honestly thought that's what was happening. But then tumblr informed me that there was such a thing as "asexual", and that such people just rarely or even never experience sexual attractions. And I was like "Oh my God. That's _me!"_ It all became so clear. I didn't want a relationship because I just _didn't._ I wasn't waiting for the right person, the "right person" didn't exist and probably never would. I didn't need to put myself under pressure to have a boyfriend at some point if I didn't really want one. Not when I could focus on infinitely more interesting things like books and video games and trying to be good at things. I was so excited I came out to my friends and Super-Ally sister almost immediately. For everyone else, though, I kinda kept it as a "juicy secret", like "you know what *_I_* like most about myself? I'm ace baybee!" As for my parents, I think the moment I first came out to them was when my dad was driving me and, making the observation that I didn't have a boyfriend, randomly asked me if I was gay. Obviously I told him no, I'm actually ace.
There was this girl who had a crush on me throughout middle and high school. To me, she was just one of my friends but I knew about her crush because I’m not f****** blind. Eventually I did try going on a date with her and even then, I paid more attention to the movie (Astro Boy 2009) then the person I was there with. It didn’t feel special to me, just felt like a trip to the movies with a friend. That casually non-romantic vibe is what really tipped me off but it wasn’t like it was a big surprise. I had never had a crush on anyone, which you’re probably supposed to by the time you’re a high school junior. My friends were getting girlfriends and I would be entirely indifferent about that, the most i dwelled on that was thinking it looked exhausting and wondering why anyone bothered. I don’t think i first heard of the term Ace until several years post-College.
The way Red explains how she learned about asexuality feels like a pretty good way of also explaining why there's a label for so many different parts of it. Giving a name to it makes it feel like you're not a freak for being this way, you're just not a little different but still normal.
I'm glad she figured it out early in life. I was 29 when I figured out I was ace, and that was because I spent a weekend thinking about why on earth everyone in high school was so gung-ho about dating and sleeping with people. I was actually sitting there in ACNH just watching the sun come up when I realized it.
Red was the person that helped me realize I was AroAce at first then later made me fully accept it. So because of this I shall give her the title of 'Red the Herald of Aces'
Every time someone asked me if I thought a guy was cute in high school I’d just be like “ah, yes. He is anatomically correct. Eyes. Two of them. Arms. A good thing to have.”
Useful to have 2 arms
I wouldn't recommend going without
"Two eyes? This thing is deluxe!"
@liam nicholas this is the best comment ever
@@liamnicholas5764 "Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person!" **pours straight into eyes**
I love this comment
Probably about 75% of the times I've felt especially validated in my asexuality, Red has been involved.
That's a major mood
@@sylve2474 I mean you should be your own validation but I get what you say
Same
Same but blue
enjoy your empty house and joyless life
I didn't realize I was ace until I was an adult but now that I look back on my childhood I can see that it didn't just come out of blue, the biggest sign was that I did my school project on Artemis every chance I got.
Same, I had always related to Artemis for some reason. Should have seen it coming 😂
I was the same but with Athena! Maybe it's the subconscious, maybe it's the will of the gods 😂
I mean she is just overall the best Greek goddess
I felt like that about both of them! But Artemis was just cooler
@@Ahsoka_Hyrule Artemis, Athena, and Hestia have always been my favorites
As an aroace person, hearing red talking abt this and being so exited makes me really happy
Same, it was just what I needed
YOOO FELLOW AROACE LOVEJOY FAN?!
@@isleofdead1337 FUCK YEAH :D
…hello Lovejoy fan :)
@@isleofdead1337 yoooo I've found my people! Me too!!
This feels a bit like my experience. I actually used to think "I want a romantic relationship, so therefore I can't be asexual" due to the fallacy of sexuality is the same as romantic preference. It feels good to recognize my Aceness, it even helped me to beat my suicidal thoughts.
In the words of my mother, “I could do without sex, but I love your dad, and that’s why you and your siblings are here.”
As a trans person, the experience of feeling like your experience must be universal and also vaguely unpleasant is one that's speaks to me on a fundamental level.
as an ace trans/non-binary person, i felt like it was more relatable to my transness than asexuality. “as soon as i hit puberty i suddenly got significantly unhappier, puberty makes people really upset i guess” “i hate having this part of my body, wish it was gone. dang, it sucks being a teenager, we have such horrible self images” (remembers gender is a thing i havent thought about yet) *OH SHIT*
yeah like a bit uncomfortable about yourself and your just like “I guess this is just normal”
Its really so true :c
All boys have panic attacks when they think about going through male puberty. That's 100% normal.
All of this and also not knowing you’re neurodivergent until you’re in your teens or later
I remember reading somewhere that aces used to be considered part of the bisexual community in some places because they experienced the same level of attraction to men and women, even if that level was 0.
its also worth noting that ive read a fair few ace realization stories and at least half of them thought they were bi before they realized they were ace. myself included
I have a feeling I’m on that ace bi spectrum
Yeah, the Kinsey scale had an X for people who fall outside, specifically bi and ace people
I feel a bit of kinship with the Bi/Pan community because a lot of the current aphobia out there is just recycled biphobia.
ehremaaaaa... yes and no. In terms of sexual attraction. Oh yeah, it's equal I have zero attraction to either. But I have an aesthetic leaning towards girls. Doesn't mean, I don't think boys can be attractive aesthetically. Just generally I think girls are more attractive.
It's so heartwarming to hear Red being so hyped about being ace
I feel you, it's awesome to finally learn that you are SOMETHING (not just weird or something like that)
Wholeheartedly agree! Gosh that small feeling in the back of your mind of "something feels off but everything is normal" is exactly what I felt all through high school then college until I learned about asexuality and actually pondered it. When things click, it feels amazing! Like, just knowing you're not "broken" or something!
Red:I'm ace? WOOOOOOOOOH YEAH BABY THATS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!!!
For me, it was kind of a lightning bolt like, "WAIT... Everyone else actually feels this stuff? REALLY?! HUH!" Like, I knew I was not interested at all, but it just never really occurred to me that other people WERE.
I think Blue also came out as ace recently as well!
@@wordforger
YUP!! Me too. Until then I just thought everyone else was exaggerating. Especially since my religious purity obsessed churchschools (GO FIGURE) were utterly Obsessed to the point you’d get spittle on your face if you got sat too close to the front when they’d go off about Controlling The Urge TM (and ofc it was all Male Gaze Only and Policing Tween&Teen&Adult women’s bodies…) so…there were a bunch of repressed allo girls and women and ofc ace girls and women who all just glance at eachother and unanimously decide “yeah. They’re all nuts.” (And maybe cracking a Nut Joke after being forced to sit through that.)
Wasn’t really until college when allo women realized they were allo, and ace women were “wait. So that IS a thing. HUH.” (Which is Also when women typically realized if they were Hetero or Actually Bi/Pan or Lesbian. Or not actually ciswomen at all. One openly butch lesbian became student chaplain then transitioned. So…not a woman afterall, actually a transman.)
This is seriously almost exactly my experience. Assumed I was straight, realized boy and girls didn't feel different so wondered if I was bi, found out ace was a thing and was elated.
Same actually, word for word 😂
oh my, lol, this hurts!
Dude same
I have yet to learn so many sexualities
no idea what ace is
often am not sure between the difference between pan and bi
Asexuall... i too often forget
@@fabi3790
Ace is asexual: no or very rare/very specific sexual attraction. (Not the same thing as “low libido.”) Podcast explains it pretty well.
Ace can also buddy up with Aromantic (no or rare/specific romantic attraction), and gender attractions (hetero, lesbian, gay, bi/pan/omni)
There’s not really a solid distinction between Bi, Pan, and Omni. Technically Bi means “two” and Pan and Omni mean “all”, but many people who identify as Bi are “2+” or “all” while Pan is often expressed as “3+” and Omni isn’t used much at all. But basically all three are “more than one gender”. So someone who identifies as Bi As In Two can be attracted to women and men, OR they can be attracted to, say, men and nonbinary folk.
It’s also possible for an asexual person to Also identify as Aro(antic spectrum) and still have gender attractions. One of my best friends is lesbian aroace; I’m bi aroace . Red’s described herself as panace in the past, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pan aroace or aroace, which all still work (and labels are supposed to be flexible-try it on, see if it fits, change it out if it doesn’t. It’s all valid here.) Blue (think it’s this podcast) recently realized he’s ace, so he’s definitely hereroace (or biace; he was right about that one actor and aesthetic attraction can be an Academic Knowledge of attractiveness (like a painting) or “gosh you’re so pretty sorry for staring.” Then again, people can, y’know, simply have an Awareness of attraction regardless of attraction-orientation. Digressing.)
(*It’s also possible for someone to only be attracted to nonbinary/agender/genderfluid persons, but to my knowledge we don’t have a term for that yet. Imo we need one, as these people identify as different genders or spectrums of genders inbetween Identify Male and Identify Female.)
Red is such an ace icon,, like, her videos are already stellar, but then the comments she'll randomly make that no allo person could ever dream of coming up with and delivering in such a way,, the way I can't think of another youtuber who integrates stuff about asexuality into more than maybe a single video(without asexuality being the topic of said video) and the way she talks about it and spreads the fact that it's a thing that exists when it's often overlooked due to being the lack of smth,,, I just really appreciate her tbh,, stan red
I think Blue also came out as ace recently as well!
Oh gosh, I'm not even ace, but I realised recently that I am trans. Hearing her talk about that assumption that everyone is unhappy with something about themselves, everyone has those thoughts they just have to bury and ignore all their life, is exactly the same assumptions I had. Realising that it's not normal to feel unhappy in that way, and that there's something I could do about it, I don't have to feel so discontent for the rest of my life, that was the most world-shattering and exciting moment of my life. So I absolutely empathise with the excitement as well, and it's such a nostalgic thing to hear her describing it, even for a totally different discovery than mine.
basically this but it happened with my asexuality a few years ago and now it's about being trans, although with a lot less excitement about that part, like I do have the feeling of "Oh, damn, that's me", but considering the current context, it kinda filled me with dread ? You used the word world-shattering and it's basically that.
As for how the thing became an option in my mind, I discovered the concept of being agender, which I relate to a lot, but realized I still had issues with how my body is. Guess i'm trans agender. Took forever to actually hear about that.
I remember being a pre-teen/teen and any time I got a crush on someone, there was always this background noise dread that if we start dating, eventually things will have to get physical and I found myself thinking stuff like “I sure hope that this idea stops being scary to me by the time I’ll have to do it” and “maybe we will break up before we get to that point and I won’t have to do it.” And that is NOT a normal way of thinking, you should NEVER feel scared and repulsed while dating and if you are feeling this way, then something is wrong and you need to stop and figure out what it is. Learning what asexuality is and realizing that this was me was THE BIGGEST relief of my life!
I relate to that so much!
A couple of years before i realized i was ace myself a friend of mine called it. I got really defensive about it still being in that camp of wanting to be normal and not wanting to stand out, then during lockdown i found the UA-cam channel OneTopicAtATime that does videos on the various LGBT subreddits, Inevitably i stumbled upon the videos for r/ace and found the memes incredibly relatable to the point i could see myself reaching the same thoughts, conclusions and jokes as the memes. After watching some ace tiktok i reached a similar moment to red but instead of a resounding realization, mine was more of a Oh Shit moment as i instantly started recontextualizing allot of my childhood and the choices i had made
Oh wow! That’s the power of social media right there. If it weren’t for UA-cam, I wouldn’t have known about asexuality myself!
I was the same with One Topic, lol. I got into his content as an effort to understand my bi friend better and then that set me on the path to figuring it all out
OT rep
That was where I first heard the term too, I'm still working out if I am or not though
OT OT OT OT OT
I definitely relate on the "you just assume everyone is like you are" thing and that "everyone feels this way" like, highkey, I didn't realise sexual attraction was real, I thought it was just a thing they did in books or movies to be extra or dramatic, the whole sex sells and advertisements thing completely flew over my head. I only found out I was ace in grade 8(which sounds young now that I'm an adult, but you still saw media and stuff, so the fact it lasted that long) when one of my very allo friends was talking about a girl she liked and I was like "oh, that's a real thing people actually feel and not just made up,, I see...." and promptly realised I was ace. I had even been in my school's gsa in grade 7(and 8) as an "ally" not realising, so I had already heard about asexuality in passing, but didn't really know what it was. Once I realised I was ace, I also thought I was panro, because girls are pretty, and I think I'd had a crush on a guy one time,, but honestly, now, I don't think I could see myself in a relationship with a guy, maybe a girl, and I don't really have crushes,,, so that label, in the last year or 2,, so since around grade 11 or 12 is now tentatively grey panro instead,, and who knows what's up with gender and my complete lack of caring about it at all(really giving me the same vibes as "but nobody actually feels that, it's made up" before I had this realization that trans people care enough to transition and there are probably cis people who care about their gender too, and maybe me not caring might be the outlier, but we're gonna ignore that for now)
DUDE THIS WAS LITERALLY ME TOO!!! i love how universal these feelings and experiences seem; i never thought i was broken or weird for not being attracted to anyone, i always just thought "i have better stuff to do than worry about romance and sex"
@@sosha20 Yeah, that's partially why I stopped paying attention to some online ace communities, a few of them only talk about feeling broken or wrong, and I never felt that, so though it was interesting to hear at first it became a bit boring and was just a downer to read those experiences. I never felt broken, I just didn't understadn people's obsession with having a crush on someone, to the point that my cousin didn't believe me when I said I didn't have a crush. And with the benefit of hindsight the few people I did have a crush on I now realise that I barely got to know them and actually had a crush on the idealised version of them I made up, but not on them.
And now when people ask me I'm just "Eh, I wanty to get married at some point but I have no interest rn".
Grade 8 is young! I didn't even have doubts until I was 17. Like how?
Regarding the gender statement you’ve made, some people experience gender apathy (don’t care about what gender they are). Or if you feel that you have no gender, agender.
Wow. I'm rather happy for the young'uns these days who have more and more resources available. I never heard of Asexuality at all until I hit college age, and at the time there was pretty much AVEN, one or two blogs on Tumblr, and one brand new book (fairly light reading to be honest) that was an essay on why Asexuality is a thing and why there should be more research.
I can easily recognise the attractive traits in a person so for a while I thought I was pan, but then I got into my first relationship and realised that theres a big difference between "pretty" and "sexy" and that caught me off guard a bit. That partner was very sexually attracted to me so it messed up our dynamic (she also turned out to be pretty toxic later on) and I got really nervous about how my asexuality would affect my romantic relationships. Skip ahead a couple years and I have a wonderful girlfriend; we both use the term demisexual and have had a lot of positive and reassuring talks about boundaries. Love her so much.
I identify as demisexual, too! I identified as ace until my junior year of high school which was also the time I formed my first friendship that was *that* deep, if that makes any sense? there was never anyone else I’d ever been so open with as a friend and then some of that romantic and sexual attraction stuff made a bit more sense to me(a lot still doesn’t, but I feel it for this one person). attraction be wild.
red realizing she’s ace honestly reminds me a lot of how i realized i’m trans. like, there’s just this dissonance, but everybody tells you you’re normal and however you’re feeling is what it’s supposed to be like. unfortunately i’m not in an environment where i can just be so open, but i’m glad she was at least
Such a sweet account of Red's journey! Thank you for pulling this out of the podcast as a highlight!
You’re very welcome! Thank you for watching! :D
I’m not ace, but Red’s story of realisation sounds really similar to my realisation of me being non-binary. Like I didn’t grow up knowing it existed, and even when I heard about transgender people, it was only binary transgender people who were mentioned, so the most I could question my gender was “Am I a woman? Nah”. And like, I kinda thought that this was just how every cis male felt. And like as I got older I kinda heard the term non-binary but never encountered any non-binary people until this year really, and that’s kinda when it became an option in my mind. It really is fucked that people don’t have options for realising who they are growing up.
exactly my experience
The “didn’t realize this wasn’t the norm” thing hit me as well when I found out I’m ace, it’s like a fish in water, you don’t think about it till you see someone breathing air so to speak. Oh and the seeing boys and girls the same way kind of thing also happened, but that lead me to learn I’m panromantic.
For me, the most mindblowing thing in the whole story was the simple acceptance of the society. I can't even imagine something like highschool ace teaclub being a thing in my country.
I'm aro and *very* much relate to the sentiment of "I finally have a word for it". It's like before you have this weird vague anxiety about yourself and how romantic relationships are intrinsically draining and unfulfilling, and then you realize that, no, there's a thing and word and you can just be that way, and it's incredibly liberating to discover such an impactful sense of your identity.
I found the term when I was like 8 or 9 and I was just like "I'll just say I'm ace until that's proven otherwise" and to this day, I still identify with it
Hearing Red say she thought she was Bi first then realized she was Ace was awesome since for the same reasons as her I had the same experience.
It's amazing to me to hear this, because Red's video on Endymion was actually MY first exposure to Asexuality about... 5... 6 years ago?.. and I'm a proud ace now! It's been a bit difficult to manage, with my family background being highly religous and VERY oriented towards marriage and procreation at the highest rate physically possible, and my folks have had to do a lot of narrative revision in order to fit my sexuality in with their worldview (they currently believe I'm "born celibate"). Nevertheless, I'd say I'm managing pretty well now that I at least KNOW that my experience is different from your average milktoast straight person, and it feels so nice to have this little aspec-positive community surrounding OSP ^^
I’ve had a similar experience! I’m glad we’ve all been able to find each other thanks to the OSP gang ^^
I don't know what your/your family's religion is, but if it happens to be Christianity the apostle Paul is a great example. In one of his epistles he talks of two youths burning with passion for one another and says that they should either be allowed to wed or should practice self control and he also says that he doesn't feel any such attractions/temptations. This is in I Corinthians chapter 7, if you would like more specifics. As a person with an aro/ace sibling who was told by our religious family they were "too young to know yet" I've done my best to support them and I want to support and validate other ace people who are religious and/or have religious families that seem to have trouble accepting it. Paul is all about celibacy so if your family are Christians he's totally your guy. As a Christian who is also pro LGBTQ it can be disheartening to hear people try to use the Bible as a mask for the hate and I want people to feel loved and accepted for who they are, even if they might not agree with me or have the same beliefs as I do. I hope that your family comes to accept and embrace the awesome ace person you are.
Name's spelled Athelas. Thank you for making this into a video, her telling her journey was extremely validating
Thanks 😆 and you’re welcome!
How come no one ever went to me and said: “son, one day you will get together with a guy and have exactly 2.5 children”
That "Is this your card?" joke is underrated.
What happened for me was:
Knew that I basically never wanted sex
Hears about the term Asexual
"Hmmm, that might be me. but what even is sexual attraction?"
Looks it up, and can find no answer that makes sense. Screams into keyboard.
"Well, that failed. Who would you realistically want to screw?"
Answer: No one.
Then, there was an account from a graysexual that I read, where she talks about what sexual attraction felt like, and then I went "Yep, never felt this in my life. Ace as hell."
Very similar haha. I’m in the grey area because I did used to feel sexual attraction for a time in my early teens but then it kinda just stopped happening and it took me a while to even notice lol. Then I did the whole “what is sexual attraction” thing for a few months even though I should have already had an idea, and went through a few labels and slowly got comfortable with considering myself ace. I can never relate to other people’s stories of finding asexuality and immediately knowing it fit them haha. It’s different for everyone lol.
dude, same!
I still remember searching up “Asexual meaning” the first time and trying to understand wtf sexual attraction is and if I ever felt it 😭
That "hmm, guess I'm bi!" part is so incredibly relatable
I've never been one to really question what I am; aromatic, ace, straight, gay, bi, or simply awkward as that has never been a major aspect of my life and identity, but for those whom it is a big deal: support them. What may be inconsequential to you may be incredibly important to others and everyone deserves a helping hand.
Not at all involved in sexuality, but I definitely had a similar experience with having aphantasia. I lived basically my whole life without the understanding that other people can *see inside their own heads* which was WILD. Like, was having a conversation with my (now) spouse who I thought was weird and fringe because they could see things so vividly that they didn't always know if they'd watched a movie or read the book. I was totally convinced they were the outlier until I saw a video by another creator about having aphantasia and I was like "Oh, so that's why life has been so hard in certain aspects".
Today I Learned...
Dude me too! When I learned about aphantasia last year it totally blew my mind, I thought that when people would say to picture something in your head it was just a figure of speech and they really just meant to think about it. Or when people would say that reading a book is like watching a movie in your head I thought it was dumb because I love reading but I've never once experienced anything like a movie in my mind. I can sort of recall things that I've seen before, but only if I concentrate on it and even then it's fuzzy. It was so mind-blowing to learn that those things weren't exaggerations or expressions; it honestly seems like a superpower to me that people would be able to see things like that.
On the opposite end of the spectrum I experienced the same thing with maladaptive daydreaming. Me and mom always thought me pacing in my room listening to music and daydreaming storylines in my head was just a weird quirk I had. Nope, turns out pacing around your room daydreaming is a thing (though not really normal either but it was cool to discover).
I love how everyone in the LGBT+ community has that realisation that, yes you are normal, you have a word about what you are, you are a person, and when you look back into your past and you realise how blatantly its been there the only thing we can say is 'oh' it's part of our love language, and that's a good thing.
I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the year, and if anyone insults your sexuality or gender, tell me and i will eat their entire supply of garlic bread forever.
It's weird, because "that's normal, everyone experiences that, it's universal" is exactly how you sweep a lot of misery under the rug and don't get treatment or force yourself into the wrong box.
I know not everybody will like what I am about to say, but I have to let it out: Red is neither ace nor a queen!
SHE'S THE WHOLE DAMN DECK OF CARDS!
They had us in the first half, not gonna lie.
That moment of realization and relief is so relatable. I'm happy Red didn't encounter much negative pushback in her life because let me tell you, it's not pleasant
Omg the "I don't really have a reason to say no, and I guess that's how everybody feels, so sure!" That exact thing happened to me in high-school haha! This guy asked me out and I was like, well we don't really hang out at all or talk but I also don't have a reason to not to so yeah let's give this a try. No surprise that it didn't last very long lol. I've known I'm ace for a while but it's stuff like that I look back on and I'm just like, oh yeah I'm suuuper ace!
Honestly this is just such a mood. The RELIEF and the desire to be public just to save people from that same confusion as you.
I remember I had an ace, but still romantically attracted gf in high school and then we eventually figured out I was ace too. It was relieving really to learn that I could just do the romance stuff with someone and not have to do anything else. I never realized the two were separate attractions before. Now I have a different ace gf and it's going great. We basically just hang out and go on dates and stuff. Just passed then 1 year dating anniversary.
Congrats! Your description is just, relationship goals right there 👌
The Bisexual to Asexual pipeline is so real, and it's hilarious to me how many Ace people have gone through it.
"I feel the same amount of attraction toward both men and women [none], so that must mean I'm Bisexual, right?"
~ Teenage me, clueless
Wow, Red's description of what it's like before you start questioning is really accurate(At least for me), I was just never able to put it into words before. I just kinda assumed everyone felt restricted in their life(and gender specifically), so when I realized that it was an option to live how I wanted to live I was ecstatic!
Dude, I did essentially the same thing as red when I found out I was ace. Thought I was bi but then I got a UA-cam recommendation called “what is Asexuality?” Or something and then everything started making sense.
fucking same, but i was browsing fucking reddit and someone linked r/aaaace to a meme i was looking at and for some reason that was the day it clicked
I love how straight to the point this is, and it’s amazing how great Red explains it because those are the exact words most of us need to hear.
It's taken me awhile to accept the fact that I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum. It's hard to pinpoint, but as Red said, I felt so normal for the longest time not thinking about it. When all my friends started dating people as if their life depended on it, I was slightly annoyed and somewhat concerned I might even be an incel( I didnt understand the obvious fact that they are *involuntary* celibate). The thing that held me back was that I had a straight libido but couldn't actually picture myself ha a sexual relationship with anyone. I still avoid the Lgbt community because I feel like I haven't experienced any sort of oppression but I'm more or less content with living a life all my own. I just wish it was easier to make simple friendships with the opposite sex without it being weird you know?
Same here with having a libido but being unable to picture having that kind of relationship. I was unsure of my validity as an asexual until I found the term aegosexual: an asexual who has sexual fantasies but no desire to actually participate in them, and the aego often isn't in their own fantasy. It's quite a broad umbrella we aces have.
Although I'm straight and don't always agree with everything Red says, I couldn't help but crack a smile listening to this. Her own self-discovery and the happiness she feels...reminded me of when I first learned I was on the Autism spectrum, it warmed my heart a little. Good for you Red.
I personally have a really funny story about my autism when my class had a presentation because of another student and all I could think at the time was "huh, that sounds kind of like me." Even better is when I got home and told my mom only to hear that she'd read an article that same day about it in the newspaper and thought of me as well.
The amount of people that were like “you just haven’t found the right person” when I first came out
Red helped me realise that I'm an aroace. I have a special in my heart for the OSP channel....
1:55 I had a similar reaction to finding out I had autism, "Hey look, there's a word for me! I'm not weird, I'm really weird!"
I've been a fan of Red's work for a long time, but this is the first time I've heard that she's ace. She sounds so happy and enthusiastic about it, and that makes me glad. Congratulations on discovering your authentic orientation, Red! I may be years late saying that, but it's still heartfelt.
I like the atention to details on the subtitles.
That is EXACTLY how it was for me.
I thought I was straight, then bi, and then finally, in the fall/autumn of 2020 I saw a Deviantart post from someone who had forgotten to upload it during Ace Awareness Week, so I asked what Ace was, and then later googled it too, and I was like “oooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh... EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW!”
I have since then also realised that I’m also gay. I fall under the Demi-Asexual with... an affinity(?) towards other men, well as being what’s called Alterous, which means the love I feel for others is... complicated, I can’t describe it properly, but learning that word too helped me immensely figure stuff out.
Red’s description of how they felt discovering the term ace (how they were slightly miserable at all times, but thought “I guess this is just normal”) hit me SO hard, but for a different reason: it’s how I felt when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It felt amazing to put a name to all the things I thought were normal but miserable, just part of the human condition.
So many aces just seem drawn together somehow. As a kid, me and my friends were going to different schools, and we sat down and decided we were going to talk about grown up things, like dating. An awkward silence ensued before the conversation turned to dragons. Turns out 3/4 of use were ace
Find it mildly funny that Red's reaction to being ace is basically the same as my reaction to finding out I am autistic.
One of the points leading up to my Realization(TM) was I was discussing crushes with someone and I was like "ah yes, where you chose a nice guy who is pleasing to look at, with a personality you like" and the friend I was talking to was like "well yeah but there are, y'know, Other Factors" and the only response my brain could muster to that was a whole lot of question marks. Took me honest to god years later before I stopped and went "Oh!!! Others have an actual driving urge to start making out with that person!!! Fascinating!!!"
I feel very called out. In my journey to coming out as demigender, i didn't fully know i was nonbinary, and i just assumed everyone felt like their gender was not fully them, because i still felt like a boy, just not fully. If you don't fully feel like your gender, that's probably not what you fully are. There are people like me who are multiple genders, so go find yourself.
Edit: Kinda weird coming back to this comment now that I've transitioned to demigirl and identify as Aro/Ace
I'm aroace and basically had Red's experience already, but I more recently realized I'm demigender and yeah, it's a pretty similar vibe of just vaguely "off" where none of the available boxes (cis, non-binary, trans) quite fit. I feel closest to my birth sex and don't have any issue with the pronouns, so I'm not trans, but I'm intensely uncomfortable with being called a "woman" or a "girl", so I'm not cis either. It took a long time to figure out there was a kind of 1/3rd ground between the middle ground and each extreme, that I didn't have to be either cis or non-binary, I could be a little of both and there was an actual word for it. Its hard to figure yourself out when things aren't so obviously wrong and you don't see any alternatives that match your experiences, but it's SO worth it when you do.
Question from a confused queer, so I don't feel all that much about gender, but I thought of someone calling me a he and a smile crept on my face, do you know what that means?
@@queen-lilyorjiako268 i don't know. It can, but it can mean a lot of things. I'm just a random person in a UA-cam comment section, so i can't actually give you personal advice, but you should try exploring who you are a bit more and see what your comfortable with.
@@namesarefortheweak ok, thanks
i love my friend group in highschool, one kid was like "hrmmm I think i'm ace, and I don't think my assigned gender fits me very well" and then we each individually figured out we were some sort of ace or aro and also some flavor of nonbinary or genderqueer, it was beautiful
Apparently it's not uncommon for LGBT folks to unwittingly form friend groups before anyone realizes they fit under the rainbow umbrella somewhere. And then one comes out, which eventually leads the others to discover something about themselves they thought was "normal" was actually a sign of their queerness, and/or come out themselves. I'm not sure if there have been studies on this, but there does seem to be quite a bit of anecdotal evidence.
It's funny that Red actually talked about how she started being more open about her asexuality on the channel so she could let people know it was an option, because she actually was one of the people that helped me realize that I was ace myself! I remember in one of her trope talks (Might've been the Selene video?) where she was talking about aesthetic attraction where she really helped it all make sense. So finding this video now makes me smile because hey, her openness helped out one fellow ace!
Okay, but, srsly, now that my family is finally understanding what "being ace" actually _means_ , I never really have to suffer the awkward "so, do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?" question anymore
I was sat in uni two years ago at age 20 and found a post detailing asexuality and I was like oh shit that’s me! So obviously the best thing I do is knit an ace scarf and tell my mum. The life long sex repulsion and love of garlic bread should have made it obvious
Didn't even know what ace was until Red mentioned it in a video, I looked it up and here I am know, aroace and loving it.
Keeping details short, this girl I was dating realized that she was aro/ace through dating me. I’m glad I could help her come to this conclusion, but it was still heart breaking. We were really connecting, but we were still on vastly different wavelengths.
I’m currently questioning things rn and stories like this are super helpful. Also, just… all the ace people I know are cool as hell. Glad to see Red’s keeping up the streak!
Finding out I was Ace definitely caused a lot of things to click for me, although it also opened up a lot of other weird questions to.
This actually helped cement my acexuality, i grew up very sheltered and didn't really start learning about the world well into my young adulthood
It's rather similar if you're genderqueer too. See, growing up I thought that I was a girl, I had to be a girl all the time because that's what everyone said I was, but it rarely...clicked. It was rarely true. I eventually began just ignoring that to have a somewhat not-plagued life and then found out that not only am I genderfluid, but I legit do not care what gender someone refers to me as.
Same. I'm girlflux and I remember being a child and sometimes being "I LOVE being a girl, I couldn't ask for a better gender!" meanwhile other times I was like "..... but what if I WASN'T??" I'd be fascinated a lot with the idea of being a boy, sometimes, although I've found the genders (or lack thereof) I tend to click with at given moments are girl, demigirl, and nonbinary or agender. And I never assumed my gender identity was anything but cis because "well I still feel like a girl at times" and then I found out about genderfluidity and then more specific girlflux (under the genderflux umbrella, which is under the genderfluid umbrella) and I was like "ohhhhh, so the reasons I want a flat chest sometimes is because of THAT"
I'm ace, genderfluid, and also don't care about my pronouns whatsoever. I'd been struggling with the last two and seeing your comment's cheered me up. Thanks, have a wonderful week!
ayyyy, aroace genderqueer here! I'd definitely say the experience of figuring those things out was pretty similar for me
Fun fact: finding out youre autistic is also kinda like this, like exactly like this.
All those social expectations noone questions that you reeeeaaally dont mesh with?
Yeah, no, nothing at all wrong with that, just not who you are.
(But then I also suspect I'm probably agender cuz, again, arbitrary social expectations, not my thing.)
@@TheSpeep YESSS- as someone who's (self-diagnosed) autistic, I've rarely understood social norms or why I wasn't allowed to do certain things. Such as me having to fidget (which I now know is stimming) and I'd have to painfully try look people in the eyes, which wouldn't really last long. And my family would call me a robot for following a strict routine that I don't like having changed. And I also have done a lot of exaggerated expressions and not to mention as a child (and many times still to this day) I rarely understood aspects of people's conversations or social cues. And then I browsed through the internet or autistic people talking about their experienced and realize *why* I was like this, and it's apparently because I'm autistic.
4 step process to becoming ace/aro:
1.) People are very cool and I like them!
2.) Someone asked me if I wanted to date them! I said “No!”
3.) internal panic for several years
4.) Oh I see.... that’s why.
I know I've been ace basically my whole life, with or without knowing the word. But this ONE time I tried the whole song and dance of dating. It was because the guy had a really cool outfit on and I found myself thinking about it for a while after.
My brain was like "Wait! What is this? Is this the proverbial crush everyone talks about getting? I have been thinking about this man for longer than two seconds so it must be! I must pursue this since it may be the only time I ever experience this!"
Yeah....nope. It was just the outfit. The guy was cool, but nope. It actually was Red talking about aesthetic attraction vs romantic or sexual attraction that helped me realize why I actually thought about this guy for longer than a moment.
This makes me so happy. The emotions she described, I know what it feels like and I love it so much.
I went through high school with largely the same experience of dating being a non-issue, but it's complicated by the fact that I *have* wanted relationships and *have* felt _some_ degree of attraction to certain individuals. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I think I don't have the... let's say "interpersonal experience", to make that judgement.
This story rings so true, and I'm trans, not aro or ace. That background radiation of unhappiness which you assume is just normal was definitely something I knew.
"I still don't know the names of most of the people in my high school class"
I thought that was a me thing haha
Red being open about her Ace-ness was pretty core to me realizing that I’m also Ace, though of a different variety of Ace. She’s good people lol
I don't know if anyone else cares, but I have now realized that I'm ace! Thank you very much Red, you've helped me a lot, so thank you!
"Doesn't everyone feel this way?"
Jesus that hits hard. As a trans woman, you hear "well all guys wish they were girls" so often, and it's like NO THEY FUCKING DON'T (and vice versa for trans men). Even though I knew what being transgender was in college, it took me until I was 34 to realize because of this.
Coming from someone who didn’t know for the longest time that asexuality is a spectrum, and a broad one at that, I relate to this experience so much. Hearing that there are Ace people with a sex drive sent me down a rabbit hole that I emerged from way more comfortable with myself, and I’m so glad that this video was published because just hearing a creator I’ve admire for so long expressing the same feelings I did at learning there’s a word for what I’m going through is really inspiring
An ace tea club sounds SUPERB
As a newly realized ace, I just had no idea about it until I was constantly stressed out when I was engaged to be married and when the engagement was over and broken off. I was happier than I was in the relationship in the first place... So, I had recently told my parents and some of my friends... And not gonna lie I was pretty nervous about telling them and I ended up saying "you know what... Forget this, I'll tell them and face the music later" and now, I feel great that I did tell them and having the support from them
Respect to Red for being so open about who she is and her experiences :)
Red’s story is exactly how my realization process went. The feeling the same about men and women and assuming you’re bi until you figure out you’re attracted to neither😂
That was literally me too!
For my entire life i didnt care about romantic or sexual things and i frequently joked about it with my parents. I had no clue that asexuality was a thing until i talked with a friend about it. and he said sounds like you are asexual and i was like: okay cool so its not abnormal that i dont care about romantic relationships.
So you are Aro/Ace then. Nice.
I really only learned about Asexuality as an adult, trying to teach myself stuff about the LGBTQIA+ community that I was never taught about in school.
I am glad I have a name for my experience now, but I was just mostly surprised that I was part that said community that I wanted to be a good ally to. Frankly I thought everyone else was just making stuff up about them constantly thinking about sex. Then again, I really should have cottoned on by that point, that if I think everyone else is being wierd that I really should look more into this subject matter. Took me long enough to realise that I was Autustic. LOL.
Ace Pride Icons:
1. Artemis
2. That cloud district guy from Skyrim
3. Sauron
Nazeem's ace? This is news to me. Unless there is another cloud district guy.
@@szarekhthesilentking7043 have you talked to her he has never slept with his wife in his life
"The rules don't really apply the same because I'm not within the space of people they were made for". That sentence sums up my experience of realising I was aroace. I was so relieved once I realised that I no longer had to try to stick to society's uncomfortable rules about romance and sex because they simply didn't apply to me
As someone who is trans, I absolutley get the part around 2:12. I grew up in a very cis-hetero centric world, and as someone who is AMAB, I sort of thought that "Me like girl, me am boy." was just how life was going to be forever. Thankfully, I left that world and joined reality. But that's such a mood Red.
I remember that I came out as ace in late 2012, back when asexuality was still pathologised (as if it's not now). My friends and I were having a discussion about sexuality and that got me thinking that "I know that I am not homosexual, nor am I bisexual (because this was back before my wait, am I actually a guy or what... can of worms). I have never really wanted to sleep with someone, so going by scientific naming conventions I guess I am asexual." Imagine my surprise a year or so later when I found out that I did not in fact invent the term.
I remember, before I knew the term "asexual" the best way to describe it for me was to say, I was born without the gene to fall in love. Later at university I read this term for the first time and thought: "Is this what I think it is?" I looked it up and found all these stories describing exactly what I was experiencing. That was, when I first learned that there were different kinds of attraction, which suddenly made a lot of things make sense for me. I've never tried to hide this part of me and up until now I've never had a bad experience. My mom (who is usually pretty accepting) had the hardest time, because she could unterstand being gay/lesbian or bi, she couldn't imagine being neither. Pretty much everyone else was more like: "Cool, whatever you feel the most comfortable with." I don't know if they understand, I don't think they have to. It's enough that they accept it and me for who I am.
I loved this episode so much, because it is EXACTLY how my sexual journey went. Going through considering being bi, exploring relationships, and eventually just realizing that it's not all for me. For a while I even considered I would be biromantic ace, but now I'm settling more into aro ace. It's a journey and I'm still figuring it all out! But it's so cool to see red, a person I have so much respect for as an artist, represent asexuality so well. Much love to Red, Blue, and Indigo! Ace pride!
I appreciate at the end they mentioned you’re not locked into anything because it’s all about self discovery. You use what works for you in the moment.
"There is no litmus test to determine if someone is asexual. Asexuality is like any other identity - at its core, it's just a word that people use to help figure themselves out. If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so." - The Asexual Visibility and Education Network
My experience was kinda messy. I was both super excited to had figured out what I am and awfully terrified of how people would react. I was lucky to be blessed with super supportive friends.
I think what made me realize was when I wondered why people consider some traits more attractive than others meanwhile I was like... "but they're all pretty" and then I started branching out in my art and realized that drawing platonic romance felt way better than the alternative. It was then when I searched around and learned about heteroromantic asexuality.
these comments are filled with so much diversity and it is honestly quite heartwarming to read about what they experienced, gladly most of them are positive, such supporting families
I love how it is pretty much universal for aces to think they are bi
It’s funny how many of us went that route first 😂
I had a similar experience, when I was in high school, obviously that's a time when a lot of people are starting to discover themselves and one of my best friends was even openly bisexual. I assumed I was straight because *a)* that was considered the norm at the time, and *b)* I'd had crushes before and they were on guys. Of course high school is also a time when a lot of people start becoming active in the dating scene. But not only was I not really getting any solicitations (at least not to my recollection), I wasn't in a big hurry to take the initiative myself. I just didn't want a romantic relationship with anyone. I told myself (and others, like my friends and family) that I was waiting for the right person, and I honestly thought that's what was happening.
But then tumblr informed me that there was such a thing as "asexual", and that such people just rarely or even never experience sexual attractions.
And I was like
"Oh my God. That's _me!"_
It all became so clear. I didn't want a relationship because I just _didn't._ I wasn't waiting for the right person, the "right person" didn't exist and probably never would. I didn't need to put myself under pressure to have a boyfriend at some point if I didn't really want one. Not when I could focus on infinitely more interesting things like books and video games and trying to be good at things. I was so excited I came out to my friends and Super-Ally sister almost immediately. For everyone else, though, I kinda kept it as a "juicy secret", like "you know what *_I_* like most about myself? I'm ace baybee!"
As for my parents, I think the moment I first came out to them was when my dad was driving me and, making the observation that I didn't have a boyfriend, randomly asked me if I was gay.
Obviously I told him no, I'm actually ace.
There was this girl who had a crush on me throughout middle and high school. To me, she was just one of my friends but I knew about her crush because I’m not f****** blind. Eventually I did try going on a date with her and even then, I paid more attention to the movie (Astro Boy 2009) then the person I was there with. It didn’t feel special to me, just felt like a trip to the movies with a friend. That casually non-romantic vibe is what really tipped me off but it wasn’t like it was a big surprise. I had never had a crush on anyone, which you’re probably supposed to by the time you’re a high school junior. My friends were getting girlfriends and I would be entirely indifferent about that, the most i dwelled on that was thinking it looked exhausting and wondering why anyone bothered.
I don’t think i first heard of the term Ace until several years post-College.
Took me 21 years to even hear the terms aro and ace and it would have helped quite a bit if I would have known them earlier.
The way Red explains how she learned about asexuality feels like a pretty good way of also explaining why there's a label for so many different parts of it. Giving a name to it makes it feel like you're not a freak for being this way, you're just not a little different but still normal.
I'm happy to learn another UA-camr I know is actually ace, I feel less like an anomaly
I'm really glad I figured out I'm ace. And I definitely relate to red's excitement lol, she's awesome!
Love is a box of deserts; a lot of people have their own favourite of the box, some like all of them and others don't like any from the box.
I'm glad she figured it out early in life. I was 29 when I figured out I was ace, and that was because I spent a weekend thinking about why on earth everyone in high school was so gung-ho about dating and sleeping with people. I was actually sitting there in ACNH just watching the sun come up when I realized it.
Red was the person that helped me realize I was AroAce at first then later made me fully accept it. So because of this I shall give her the title of 'Red the Herald of Aces'