My partner still refuses to acknowledge his blatant infidelity. He gets angry if I even dare to mention it. I can't even get depressed or cry because he gets angry saying that I am making a big deal out of nothing and making life miserable for everyone. He says, why can't I just let "us" be happy! What gall!
Sorry to hear this. How long has this been on for. It may be time to start to look out for yourself because you need to heal and be in a safe space away from this particular attitude. It won't get better If it persists... I hope everything works well for you.
I get the same. I also get "why can't you just get past this", or "you're really going to bring this up and ruin the day. We were having a good time". Oh, sorry to ruin your day, you ruined my ability to trust, my self confidence, my ability to develop healthy relationships, my life. But let's just sweep it under the rug so you can enjoy your day.
"I don't need somebody to tell me what to do, I know what to do...." yet, they don't do it. Such wise words, such a great observation. Often it's we the betrayed who have to do all the changing and maturing, learning how to cope with this damaged man-child or woman-child we chose as our spouse. Samuel, your videos get more and more insightful as the years go by. Thank you my friend for your support and wisdom.
I’m in the same boat my wife says she has been honest and said she was sorry and that is enough for her. I need way more than that after going through something like this. The constant defensiveness is horrible. I need empathy I need her to sit down and reallly understand the issues
I truly believe my husband is only remorseful getting caught and having the embarrassment. Almost a year out, still no answers, denials of hard core proof of things, and major temper when I ask questions. He's mostly tired of the repetitive questions, but doesn't answer them so I keep asking. He doesn't get it. This is the 2nd affair I know of and he did the same thing last time. I keep telling him, if it's not talked out thoroughly, he will do it, again. He is in therapy. Not doing any good.
On point, Samuel! I so appreciate your transparency and willingness to share your point of view as a former unfaithful husband. You validate my feelings by describing my husband's behavior and reactions like no other. For years he shifted the blame to me while he watched me spin my wheels, doing everything to "save" our marriage, and fix my "trust issues" while he did nothing- even though he's the one who caused it. Uuugh so unbelievably cruel. I will never understand how someone who claimed to love me could be so heartless and evil.
My unfaithful husband was more than willing to go to counseling…in fact he was pushing for it. He was anxious to do your course for the unfaithful. But he used those things to “show me how I contributed to what he did”. So it is possible to have someone who is “willing to do the work” but their underlying motives are all wrong. In that case none of these things help. We are 4 years post D day and separated for over 2 years…we are getting divorced.
I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have done a couple different online and in person counseling and we are stuck. He says he will never be the man I want him to be and I expect too much.😥
Mine was dodging counseling like fire he told me he made an appointment today and Im 99% sure he lied about it. Im sorrt youre going through this.. it hurts so bad
So sorry that you had to go through that. My experience was pretty similar to how you described. I get he was just “doing the work” to show whomever he was trying. He never shown any remorse. We signed up for an intensive and he backed out. about a year post d day, he puts himself in a position at work to manage his affair partner 🙄. When I asked him what boundaries he had in place for himself he looked dumbfounded and yelled at me for not being happy he got a promotion to manage his affair partner. He refused to talk to the therapist(who was an unfaithful sympathizer) about t the possibility of managing her. He demonstrated for the millionth time that he had no ability to have empathy or show compassion so I asked him to leave. I am now happily divorced. I listen to this blog from time to time still bc I find the topic interesting and I feel it helps me identify red flags that I missed. Much ❤
This is so difficult for me to watch. I am years downstream from my wife’s unfaithfulness. She didn’t get help for sooooo long. It resonates deeply with me when he said that if you don’t get help you won’t even realize the pain you cause your partner by being so resistant to doing the work that is needed. So true. I have had a lot of therapy to process the pain but I have also been in that very painful place where you are working on healing and they refuse to do anything because it might be painful to face the damage done or it might be difficult to talk through the issues that led to the worst decision a partner can make. Thanks for another presentation that I can relate to Samuel. God bless you
I hear you. It's hard. I am close to 6 years dealing with my other half walking out on me, literally overnight, for someone he "had a crush on" in high school. I have spent the better part of the past 6 years trying to deal with his anger and defensiveness and then feeling sorry and then the whole thing starts over again. I don't feel like I can have my feelings around him because it's a crap shoot as to whether or not he's going to be angry or compassionate. The bigger percentage of the time, it's anger. Same situation last night. I don't know what to do anymore. I could just say it doesn't really matter and move on because I am 65 and who wants to start over at this point. Yes, that's a cop out. I don't really want to start over but being on the other side of the anger is emotionally draining. It's hard to care anymore. I don't know what to do for him. I hope things get better for you. I hope she appreciates your effort.
Thank You Sam. Another honest and hard hitting video. I think my unfaithful long term girlfriend checks all of the points you mentioned, except the last one. She is not still in contact with him. That ended almost 5 years ago. But she is not safe by any means. Not open to relapse, but just as bad, not open to any type of healing or recovery. She won't get help, or watch these videos, because she might see herself in them, and have to own up to her choices. It's been a long time ago, and her plan has always been to "just get over it." Not a good plan. I took the Harboring Hope course to help with my own healing. I even took Hope for Healing to understand what she might be experiencing and dealing with. I would recommend either of these courses to anyone dealing with infidelity. They were a wealth of knowledge and experience. I'm still here, 1849 days from D-Day, raising our two little guys, and living in pretend ok. With your help and these videos, I've learned to accept where we are at, and stop chasing her into recovery. Thank you for all you, and the people at Affair Recovery do everyday to help so many people.
I did infidelity for a while now, mostly emotional, but a couple of times sexual. a couple of days ago my wife found out about it, and her heart shattered because she's such a devoted wife. mine was shattered also for being an egomaniac lunatic risking a beautiful family for a short dopamine rush. I am in the process of forgiving myself to fail my wife, my parents, and my son. I love them so much. Though me and my wife still very fresh to this pain, and she can't see yet a light at the end of the tunnel, but your content has helped me so much to understand her pain. Thanks a lot for all the content. Being comes from a religious background too, I hope to kind strangers who read this and also to you, that you are willing to help me and others with prayers. I love my family so much and I am willing to go to hell and back to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Like, is it a momentary lack of self control on his part due to high emotions about the affair or his usual habit? How are you coping so far? Do you feel safe there or scared? Exhausted, huh? It seems daunting if not dangerous. But I tend to be oversensitive to abuse, so that’s probably just me, but I hope you are listening to your instincts and I feel grateful you reached out with what you are experiencing in such a bold way. I hope you get the support and rest you need to be able to face tomorrow bright and clear headed enough to make good decisions for a happier future.
@3:35 - nope, the first sign is she's still having her affair. If the affair is on-going, the unfaithful person is unsafe because they are not being honest. So that's sign 0 or sign 1 depending on if you want to use whole or cardinal numbers. @10:00 - I do see you got there. Talk about burying the lead :) Yep, my ex-wife was all sorts of "you don't need to tell me what to do." The funny thing is, the things she ignored came back to bite her. During the divorce I mentioned she would need her attorney to draw up a QDRO to transfer the portion of my 401(k) that was going to her. Of course I got the "Don't tell me what to do...." Months after the divorce was final, I got a note asking where the 401(k) funds were. I simply asked if her attorney had done the QDRO? I wasn't going to take a distribution and have to pay taxes and penalties on it. If she wanted the money, she would have to take it and then take a distribution, making her liable for any penalties and taxes. That's just how it goes. She thought she knew what was best and was unwilling to even hear what I had to say about things even as mundane as the transfer of retirement accounts. There is no safety nor recovery with a person like that. There is only recovery FROM one's experience with a person like that.
@Overcoming Infidelity hi Sam! Can you tell me what can the betrayed do if the unfaithful cant cope with speaking of my sad feelings and triggers? I feel like he is so selfish only see his shame and selfloathing, he cant be emphatic and feelnmy pain, he cant prioritize me over himself. Every time i wanna talk with him about my feelings at the end he said it just push him further from me. He dont get it, as you said in one of your video, and i cant do anything with it. He feel so much shame, feeling as he is a terrible person as he see my pain, so he just avoid every hard speaking what can help me to move on. Thanks for your videos!
Here's my experience and I hope it helps a little. A strong message from AR videos is that you can't change the unfaithful, you can only change yourself. Keep learning, eventually you will be able to make the decision whether to stay and cope, or go. Creating reasonable boundaries is part of it and there must always be a consequence of some kind for crossing those. Journalling helped me immensely as an outlet for my emotions. Also, by looking back at old entries, I could see how much I was learning and growing as the months/years went by, which kept me going. Eventually it all just got 'old' and I knew I was healed. Best of luck.
@@CatBlack01 thanks for your kind words. The journally help me lot, but there is so many questions and noone answer them. I think noone can say me what to do, how to survive and heal, but i am just so alone with my feelings and questions for the future. It is so good to read your comment, that there can be time when you feel you healed and feel it old. We are in the very begining, only 3 month from d day, and i can see the difference, it is better now, there is hope that there will be some day when i dont thing about it everyday. Just feeling so lonely, im living in a small country where there is no program like ems, and cant find survivor mentor to talk to. Thanks very much, hope for you the best.
I'm in the same place,he keeps making excuses and doesn't get my pain. I made a boundary that he has to call someone for help,both for himself and for us together....he keeps saying he thinks we should be able to talk first however he doesn't get that I feel so unsafe with him that even small talk is hard. Like you said,Noone can tell me what to do,I have to figure it out day by day...however I do have some friends I can unload to and they speak life into me,that and listening to praise and worship music is what gets me through each day.
Sam, this video blog resonated with me on various levels. As you know recovery is not perfect, it’s not straight up and to the right like a graph. It’s all over the board. I’m glad to hear you say in the end that the flip side exists as well. After 5 years I still get berated by my ex. Even though I continue on my own path of recovery. Again we didn’t get here overnight and we’re not just going to wake one morning and be a functional adult.
Thank you for the video, my question is when the unfaithful did no work at all (the first time) so the betrayed put up walls and became defensive and blaming, how does the betrayed stop being this way? The unfaithful wants me to be safe first. Is there already a video on this topic? I look forward to the next video.
I would take a course and/or get expert help to work through it. this course will help on our site: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if you want to sign up let me know and we'll get you a link. it's not as simple as 'just stop being this way' as you're probably traumatized and wounded at your core. it takes time to untie yourself from that type of knot. but it's more than possible.
Well... after feeling slightly better for a short while and it seemed like my husband was able to put his porn and sex addiction behind him, my Spider-Senses have been vibrating uncomfortably over the last few days. Today several HUGE red flags popped up. And he's back into lies and amnesia. I think that was it for good. I'm breakin. I've been in therapy, been on psychotropic medication for a year, without whose help I wouldn't exist anymore, and in the last few months I've developed a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He's gone now and is on the phone with his sponsor. I'm going to take off my wedding ring and go to sleep. When I wake up tomorrow morning, a new phase of my life will begin. I never wanted any of this. Nothing at all. My whole life is just complete shit. My whole life is wasted. To someone who always pretended.
I’ll disagree with your entire characterization. The betrayed cannot manage the unfaithfuls therapy choices l… there is massive difference between not seeking help and not seeking the exact prescription the betrayed might want
My partner still refuses to acknowledge his blatant infidelity. He gets angry if I even dare to mention it. I can't even get depressed or cry because he gets angry saying that I am making a big deal out of nothing and making life miserable for everyone. He says, why can't I just let "us" be happy! What gall!
Sorry to hear this. How long has this been on for. It may be time to start to look out for yourself because you need to heal and be in a safe space away from this particular attitude. It won't get better If it persists... I hope everything works well for you.
I get the same. I also get "why can't you just get past this", or "you're really going to bring this up and ruin the day. We were having a good time". Oh, sorry to ruin your day, you ruined my ability to trust, my self confidence, my ability to develop healthy relationships, my life. But let's just sweep it under the rug so you can enjoy your day.
I get done the same way it makes me untrust him
Another thing that happens to me they are avoiding the conversation because they are basically lying
:'-( mine too....im pretty sure he's still seeing her also.
"I don't need somebody to tell me what to do, I know what to do...." yet, they don't do it. Such wise words, such a great observation. Often it's we the betrayed who have to do all the changing and maturing, learning how to cope with this damaged man-child or woman-child we chose as our spouse. Samuel, your videos get more and more insightful as the years go by. Thank you my friend for your support and wisdom.
means so much to get great feedback like that. thank you for watching and commenting and encouraging me.
Yup
Wife of man child here. If he'd watch these videos... But he won't. 3 years into this crap.
I’m in the same boat my wife says she has been honest and said she was sorry and that is enough for her. I need way more than that after going through something like this. The constant defensiveness is horrible. I need empathy I need her to sit down and reallly understand the issues
I truly believe my husband is only remorseful getting caught and having the embarrassment. Almost a year out, still no answers, denials of hard core proof of things, and major temper when I ask questions. He's mostly tired of the repetitive questions, but doesn't answer them so I keep asking. He doesn't get it. This is the 2nd affair I know of and he did the same thing last time. I keep telling him, if it's not talked out thoroughly, he will do it, again. He is in therapy. Not doing any good.
On point, Samuel! I so appreciate your transparency and willingness to share your point of view as a former unfaithful husband. You validate my feelings by describing my husband's behavior and reactions like no other. For years he shifted the blame to me while he watched me spin my wheels, doing everything to "save" our marriage, and fix my "trust issues" while he did nothing- even though he's the one who caused it. Uuugh so unbelievably cruel. I will never understand how someone who claimed to love me could be so heartless and evil.
thank you for the kind words. i'm sorry you're in so much pain.
My unfaithful husband was more than willing to go to counseling…in fact he was pushing for it. He was anxious to do your course for the unfaithful. But he used those things to “show me how I contributed to what he did”. So it is possible to have someone who is “willing to do the work” but their underlying motives are all wrong. In that case none of these things help. We are 4 years post D day and separated for over 2 years…we are getting divorced.
Many people are now saying that the betrayed should never go to marriage counseling with the cheater. It can lead to abuse. It did with me too!
I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have done a couple different online and in person counseling and we are stuck. He says he will never be the man I want him to be and I expect too much.😥
Mine was dodging counseling like fire he told me he made an appointment today and Im 99% sure he lied about it. Im sorrt youre going through this.. it hurts so bad
So sorry that you had to go through that. My experience was pretty similar to how you described. I get he was just “doing the work” to show whomever he was trying. He never shown any remorse. We signed up for an intensive and he backed out. about a year post d day, he puts himself in a position at work to manage his affair partner 🙄. When I asked him what boundaries he had in place for himself he looked dumbfounded and yelled at me for not being happy he got a promotion to manage his affair partner. He refused to talk to the therapist(who was an unfaithful sympathizer) about t the possibility of managing her. He demonstrated for the millionth time that he had no ability to have empathy or show compassion so I asked him to leave. I am now happily divorced. I listen to this blog from time to time still bc I find the topic interesting and I feel it helps me identify red flags that I missed.
Much ❤
@@lastnameunknown3762 d@m, reading all that really hit hard.. THANK you for sharing.
This is so difficult for me to watch. I am years downstream from my wife’s unfaithfulness. She didn’t get help for sooooo long. It resonates deeply with me when he said that if you don’t get help you won’t even realize the pain you cause your partner by being so resistant to doing the work that is needed. So true. I have had a lot of therapy to process the pain but I have also been in that very painful place where you are working on healing and they refuse to do anything because it might be painful to face the damage done or it might be difficult to talk through the issues that led to the worst decision a partner can make.
Thanks for another presentation that I can relate to Samuel. God bless you
I couldn’t agree more!
so glad you're here on the site. i'm sorry it's so hard and awful but you're worth the work to heal.
I hear you. It's hard. I am close to 6 years dealing with my other half walking out on me, literally overnight, for someone he "had a crush on" in high school. I have spent the better part of the past 6 years trying to deal with his anger and defensiveness and then feeling sorry and then the whole thing starts over again. I don't feel like I can have my feelings around him because it's a crap shoot as to whether or not he's going to be angry or compassionate. The bigger percentage of the time, it's anger. Same situation last night. I don't know what to do anymore. I could just say it doesn't really matter and move on because I am 65 and who wants to start over at this point. Yes, that's a cop out. I don't really want to start over but being on the other side of the anger is emotionally draining. It's hard to care anymore. I don't know what to do for him.
I hope things get better for you. I hope she appreciates your effort.
Safety is huge.
Thank You Sam. Another honest and hard hitting video. I think my unfaithful long term girlfriend checks all of the points you mentioned, except the last one.
She is not still in contact with him. That ended almost 5 years ago. But she is not safe by any means.
Not open to relapse, but just as bad, not open to any type of healing or recovery.
She won't get help, or watch these videos, because she might see herself in them, and have to own up to her choices.
It's been a long time ago, and her plan has always been to "just get over it." Not a good plan.
I took the Harboring Hope course to help with my own healing. I even took Hope for Healing to understand what she might be experiencing and dealing with.
I would recommend either of these courses to anyone dealing with infidelity. They were a wealth of knowledge and experience.
I'm still here, 1849 days from D-Day, raising our two little guys, and living in pretend ok.
With your help and these videos, I've learned to accept where we are at, and stop chasing her into recovery.
Thank you for all you, and the people at Affair Recovery do everyday to help so many people.
thank you for the kind words my friend. they mean so much. i hope your girlfriend will soften and get help and if I can help please let me know
I did infidelity for a while now, mostly emotional, but a couple of times sexual. a couple of days ago my wife found out about it, and her heart shattered because she's such a devoted wife. mine was shattered also for being an egomaniac lunatic risking a beautiful family for a short dopamine rush. I am in the process of forgiving myself to fail my wife, my parents, and my son. I love them so much. Though me and my wife still very fresh to this pain, and she can't see yet a light at the end of the tunnel, but your content has helped me so much to understand her pain. Thanks a lot for all the content. Being comes from a religious background too, I hope to kind strangers who read this and also to you, that you are willing to help me and others with prayers. I love my family so much and I am willing to go to hell and back to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
thank you for the kind words. keep going my friend. our site can help immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses
If she’s willing, she may benefit from the Harboring Hope class they offer.
Thank you! This is the question we need answered. Grateful!
As usual, way to get to the heart of the matter, Samuel.
thanks so much.
Solid vibes. I look forward to the next video
My husband yells at me, cusses at me, calls me names, says I’m harassing him. It’s scary! It’s toxic. All I want to do is sleep.
i'm so sorry. this course on our site may help you significantly: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Whoa that sounds harsh. Is this an ongoing pattern or just exploded because of the affair?
Like, is it a momentary lack of self control on his part due to high emotions about the affair or his usual habit?
How are you coping so far?
Do you feel safe there or scared?
Exhausted, huh?
It seems daunting if not dangerous.
But I tend to be oversensitive to abuse, so that’s probably just me, but I hope you are listening to your instincts and I feel grateful you reached out with what you are experiencing in such a bold way.
I hope you get the support and rest you need to be able to face tomorrow bright and clear headed enough to make good decisions for a happier future.
@3:35 - nope, the first sign is she's still having her affair. If the affair is on-going, the unfaithful person is unsafe because they are not being honest. So that's sign 0 or sign 1 depending on if you want to use whole or cardinal numbers.
@10:00 - I do see you got there. Talk about burying the lead :)
Yep, my ex-wife was all sorts of "you don't need to tell me what to do." The funny thing is, the things she ignored came back to bite her. During the divorce I mentioned she would need her attorney to draw up a QDRO to transfer the portion of my 401(k) that was going to her.
Of course I got the "Don't tell me what to do...."
Months after the divorce was final, I got a note asking where the 401(k) funds were. I simply asked if her attorney had done the QDRO? I wasn't going to take a distribution and have to pay taxes and penalties on it. If she wanted the money, she would have to take it and then take a distribution, making her liable for any penalties and taxes.
That's just how it goes. She thought she knew what was best and was unwilling to even hear what I had to say about things even as mundane as the transfer of retirement accounts.
There is no safety nor recovery with a person like that. There is only recovery FROM one's experience with a person like that.
@Overcoming Infidelity hi Sam! Can you tell me what can the betrayed do if the unfaithful cant cope with speaking of my sad feelings and triggers? I feel like he is so selfish only see his shame and selfloathing, he cant be emphatic and feelnmy pain, he cant prioritize me over himself. Every time i wanna talk with him about my feelings at the end he said it just push him further from me. He dont get it, as you said in one of your video, and i cant do anything with it. He feel so much shame, feeling as he is a terrible person as he see my pain, so he just avoid every hard speaking what can help me to move on. Thanks for your videos!
Here's my experience and I hope it helps a little. A strong message from AR videos is that you can't change the unfaithful, you can only change yourself. Keep learning, eventually you will be able to make the decision whether to stay and cope, or go. Creating reasonable boundaries is part of it and there must always be a consequence of some kind for crossing those. Journalling helped me immensely as an outlet for my emotions. Also, by looking back at old entries, I could see how much I was learning and growing as the months/years went by, which kept me going. Eventually it all just got 'old' and I knew I was healed. Best of luck.
@@CatBlack01 thanks for your kind words. The journally help me lot, but there is so many questions and noone answer them. I think noone can say me what to do, how to survive and heal, but i am just so alone with my feelings and questions for the future. It is so good to read your comment, that there can be time when you feel you healed and feel it old. We are in the very begining, only 3 month from d day, and i can see the difference, it is better now, there is hope that there will be some day when i dont thing about it everyday. Just feeling so lonely, im living in a small country where there is no program like ems, and cant find survivor mentor to talk to. Thanks very much, hope for you the best.
I'm in the same place,he keeps making excuses and doesn't get my pain. I made a boundary that he has to call someone for help,both for himself and for us together....he keeps saying he thinks we should be able to talk first however he doesn't get that I feel so unsafe with him that even small talk is hard. Like you said,Noone can tell me what to do,I have to figure it out day by day...however I do have some friends I can unload to and they speak life into me,that and listening to praise and worship music is what gets me through each day.
Sam, this video blog resonated with me on various levels. As you know recovery is not perfect, it’s not straight up and to the right like a graph. It’s all over the board. I’m glad to hear you say in the end that the flip side exists as well. After 5 years I still get berated by my ex. Even though I continue on my own path of recovery. Again we didn’t get here overnight and we’re not just going to wake one morning and be a functional adult.
I wish my husband would watch this! And understand what he has done to me and get the help he needs
I am so thankful for this video and the upcoming video. Makes me feel like I'm actually doing the right things!
thanks so much for watching and commenting
Good on you Sam! Thankyou...again!💖
Thank you!
My partner has shut down & sporadically speaks to me...so confused
yes yes, true remorse is needed,
Good video, thank you. Perhaps you shouldn't have called it a "cheat sheet" in the video - :) - too close to home for many of us.
well put thank you
Thank you for the video, my question is when the unfaithful did no work at all (the first time) so the betrayed put up walls and became defensive and blaming, how does the betrayed stop being this way? The unfaithful wants me to be safe first. Is there already a video on this topic?
I look forward to the next video.
I would take a course and/or get expert help to work through it. this course will help on our site: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if you want to sign up let me know and we'll get you a link. it's not as simple as 'just stop being this way' as you're probably traumatized and wounded at your core. it takes time to untie yourself from that type of knot. but it's more than possible.
Well... after feeling slightly better for a short while and it seemed like my husband was able to put his porn and sex addiction behind him, my Spider-Senses have been vibrating uncomfortably over the last few days.
Today several HUGE red flags popped up.
And he's back into lies and amnesia.
I think that was it for good. I'm breakin. I've been in therapy, been on psychotropic medication for a year, without whose help I wouldn't exist anymore, and in the last few months I've developed a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
He's gone now and is on the phone with his sponsor.
I'm going to take off my wedding ring and go to sleep.
When I wake up tomorrow morning, a new phase of my life will begin.
I never wanted any of this. Nothing at all.
My whole life is just complete shit.
My whole life is wasted. To someone who always pretended.
I’ll disagree with your entire characterization. The betrayed cannot manage the unfaithfuls therapy choices l… there is massive difference between not seeking help and not seeking the exact prescription the betrayed might want
What about when the betrayed chose to have an affair revenge ?
What about when the betrayed wasn't betraying? Sorry, im still angry.
What if he needs to have contact w/her bc there’s an affair baby?
ua-cam.com/video/6BlFNvLdem4/v-deo.html
thank you
Okay big guy 😂 and girl
Thank you!