The Fearful Avoidant & The 6 Stages Of A Relationship | Fearful Avoidant Attachment
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- Опубліковано 14 лют 2020
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Fearful avoidant are often either obsessive or avoidant. Our emotions are extremely intense. It can be hard to regulate them in relationships.
I'm obsessive and avoid communicating this haha
I can't get my DA boyfriend to understand how intensely I feel things.. he says things like, "good thing we don't listen to our feelings" and I understand that I shouldn't be ruled by my emotions I don't know how to not listen to them
I don't get obsessive but a little preoccupied bc I haven't fully ditched the idea that I need to be able to be a precognitive mind reader or I'll get discarded.
So who should we be in relationships with? should we just not be in a relationship altogether? going to a tumultous time myself wish i could find answers
@@freefalling1440 I think the best people for the FA types to date are the secure attachment types.
I think it's important to recognize that you can't fix another person. They have to work on themselves
this!!!
Indeed. However, by understanding someone else’s pattern you can decide how you respond to those patterns rather than react to them.
It can be helpful to know that another persons behaviour in a relationship often has nothing to do with what you do.
I disagree. Yes, they must be aware they have stuff to fix and be willing to do that, but attachment styles are learnt in relationships and they can only be straightened out through relationships. The other person is needed for that. Maybe they won't fix you per se, but they will be instrumental to it.
Summary Notes, by Timestamp
5:30
Fearful Avoidant is great during the dating stage. They are at their best self, showing up, connecting, charming, charismatic. But when there is a need for a commitment, then their avoidant side kicks in.
6:04
Deactivating can be in obvious and non-obvious ways.
6:08
Obvious forms of deactivation can be fearing the commitment, shying away, withdrawing, wanting space, and so on where they are not trusting fully.
6:17
The non-obvious forms of deactivation will be more subtle. These can be hyper focusing on their their partner's faults, focusing on what could go wrong, emotionally disregulating, feeling vulnerable and untrusting, pushing the person away to protect themselves, blaming their partner and so on.
6:58
They are trying to create distance between themselves and their partner because they're afraid and feel unsafe.
7:19
As soon as a commitment comes up, Fearful Avoidant immediately starts oscillating between the Honeymoon Stage and the Power Struggle stage. This doesn't happen with other attachment styles.
9:01
As the Honeymoon Phase arrives they start to experience their triggers and wounds. You will see their avoidant side come up.
9:13
They get triggered around the different wounds they have, from having their needs not being met. They struggle to integrate their sense of self into the romantic partnership.
9:26
They struggle to have their needs met because they believe they are unworthy of having my needs met. They may fear that if they express their needs it will not go well. They may feel there is no point in expressing their needs because they are not gonna be met anyway.
9:40
But this over time creates an imbalance of how much they give to the relationship versus how much they are receiving.
10:09
Although the Power Struggle stage is a scary stage in a relationship, it's also the one with the most opportunities for growth, depth and beauty. If you effectively move through it, you are setting the foundation for beautiful things to take place.
10:26
What you need to learn to pass the Power Struggle stage is to learn to be the following:
- Vulnerable
- Accepting of your vulnerability
- Accepting of your partner's vulnerability
- Able to understand and empathize with your partner's needs and feelings
- Able to express your own feelings and needs vulnerably, respectfully, and consistently from an emotionally regulated space.
10:47
To empathise means to try to understand where your partner is coming from, why they are feeling the things they are feeling, why they need them.
11:13
What all this does is that you understand each other with all your imperfections. You take off your Honeymoon Phase best-behavior-mask and get to really know your partner.
11:22
You move into the Stability Stage when you accept your partner for their flaws.
13:18
The Stability Stage is characterized by deep acceptance of one another, feeling safe, connected, and fading away of the drama. We tend to make adjustments taking each other's needs into consideration.
14:03
You start to feel settled in the relationship that you can make compromises.
14:23
One of the downsides of the Stability Stages is that there can be a feeling of boredom. If some of their needs in the relationship are going unmet, and they are not aware of it, they might fantasize about other people.
15:04
You can in fact use the infatuation to strengthen your relationship.
Look at what you are infatuated with-another person, their behavior. Figure out what it is you are attracted to and ask for that in your relationship.
This will bring back the deep connection into your relationship.
15:49
When you are in the Commitment Stage, the rites of passage is not about making decision to get married, have kids, buy a house, live together and so on.
What is required in The Commitment Stage is to ask questions and assess.
Do our values line up? Do our needs line up?
Do we both want the same things? What do we want for the future?
Do we both want children? How do you want to raise your kids? What are the important values to bring into the relationship to your children?
Do we both want a certain type of lifestyle? Do we want to travel and move around?
Where do they differ? How can we align them?
All of these are extremely important in this stage.
17:17
The Bliss Stage is like being back in the wonderful Honeymoon Stage, while having yourself in it.
You've got the excitement, connection and habits that feel warm, fuzzy and bubbly. And at the same time you have learned each other, you take each others needs into consideration, you can have tough conversations. There is deep connection and beauty.
17:47
To move to the Bliss Stage you have to work on your personal growth.
17:58
If you're struggling in any stage in your relationship then you are probably struggling with the rites of passage, in learning the lessons.
18:07
If so what you need to do is the following:
- Identify what stage you are in
- Identify what you need to move into the next stage
- (Implement it?)
perfect summary 👌
@@Arcturus24 Thank you 😊
Wow thanks for this it was really helpful i needed thiss
@@freefalling1440 My pleasure.
You’re so awesome. Thanks for writing all this out! 💛
If you don’t get on the same page with wanting children on day one, it’s doomed. Never waste time dating anyone who wants kids when you don’t want them, or vice versa.
Very apt. I found out the hard way after wasting 3 years after he "changed his mind" about kids because he didnt wanna loose me. DON'T EVER DO IT. Even if they succumb to ur wish, they'll resent u and never be fully committed to being a parent as u are.
As a fearful avoidant, I’d start a doomed relationship on the safe bet that it wouldn’t last.
I think it depends on what you're searching for. I'm 21, I'm not really expecting the person I'm dating now to be the one I marry, and I think that's okay. You also can have semi-serious relationship and have fun.
Who hurt chu
I thought the same thing. Not sure why this would be discussed so far down the track. There are lots of important things to talk about from early on
It’s so sad seeing these people dance on the border of being able to push through their own fears and have a loving and blossoming relationship.
I tried so hard to be patient with my ex, and she was SO close. She pushed through and committed and had such healthy communications and then within a few days reverted back to her fears and impulsive ended things.
I’m trying not to take it personal, but it’s just so sad. I love her and she deserves love. They desire and seek it out, and then sabotage and run from it when they get it.
It’s truly such a sad and destructive cycle to themselves and others.
Continuing to learn why I stick these relationships out so long. Part of me is attracted to these people because I feel I can be patient enough to get them to push through their fears. I tend to see the best in people and try to pull it out of them, even at my own demise.
Even after being hurt, I still can look at them with deep love.
They have light in them, they just need more encouragement to not let the darkness take over. I pray for them. 😥
As an FA, thank you and I agree.
I’m the same way I want to help them. But it’s so hard because they can push u so far away and be stubborn on top of that
I really really do relate to your comment so much. Have gone through that experience with an FA a few years ago. Actually i Met Him a few days ago on a Party with his new girlfriend (first real commitment he encountered) after 9 years of the patterns with others and 2/3 years ago with me.
I have to admit it felt a bit strange because one part of me felt so happy for him and it was the thing i wished for him. The other part of me which is still healing from the Irritation and hurt our history caused me was also there. (Im Single since then). And my Ego was also very present saying 'i wished him well and that luck but maybe i have wished it a little bit more and earlier for myself'.
But anyways, luckily we all are Ego and Soul. And my soul went to him on that Party giving him a hug and telling him that i am happy for his luck and i wish them aaall the best for their RS.
You have a golden heart =)
Don't let this bad experiences change Who you are 💛
your description of a Fearful attachment being ok in the dating stages but then freaking out during the honeymoon stage was spot on... I sabotaged my last relationship earlier this month because of this :(
I freaking know right!!Same here bro.
Yep, so did my FA ex. We were starting to get somewhere. Tragic. :(
kaseem abdullah My ex used two main methods to sabotage:
One was extreme jealousy by accusing me of being inappropriate with other men or they with me (anyone, such as good friends I’ve known for years, business contacts, flatmates...) and creating a huge fight or even a breakup over a story he told himself about it, and there was no vulnerability, such as “I feel this, I feel that” but rather, accusations such as “you this” or “he that” and nothing I did or said helped. Even removing said person from my life completely meant he’d just find someone new to be angry, jealous, and resentful about.
The other was wrecking plans or the possibility of plans by not having time to see me, or making excuses about why something wasn’t possible, such as bike rides aren’t safe, the music at that concert will make him sad, it’s too far to go in the car, it’s too expensive, etc., with no plan B. If I came up with a solution, another obstacle would be found. If I found another solution to the next obstacle, he’d get angry and stressed and frustrated and cause an argument.
I can see now that all this was him trying to deactivate to keep himself “safe”, but at the time I took it at face value and just thought he was either deliberately trying to torment me, or didn’t want to be with me and was trying to find excuses.
@kaseem abdullah That's a good question. I did wonder that but he never really did anything that made me suspect he was up to no good - if something looked a bit odd to me, I'd ask, he'd answer adequately, and I believed him and moved on. (If only he'd offered me the same courtesy and trust!!)
I think all the extreme jealousy and accusations were simply his overwhelming fear of rejection (typical for an FA) and so, in moments of anxiety, instead of saying, "I'm feeling very insecure right now that I'm not good enough for you and that, at any moment, you could realise this and go off with someone more interesting and accomplished," he'd be so utterly overwhelmed with emotion that he's never learned how to process, and runaway thoughts that he's never been taught to question, that he would simply believe everything he was feeling to be absolute truth (in the moment) and it would come raging out of him as spiteful accusations that he would later feel very remorseful about for having hurt me.
He knew these accusations were unfounded and unreasonable because when I spoke to him about it when he was feeling calm and balanced, he'd say he knew the problem was his, and that he was massively overreacting to nothing. In his moments of calm, he admitted he didn't like me having any contact with men that weren't direct members of my family, or gay, but that it was something we'd just have to agree to disagree on. But then all that would be forgotten the next time his fear got the better of him...
Was he cheating? No, I don't think so, he's very much a loner. But I think that he's unable to trust his own emotions to such a degree that he himself daren't have any female friends or contacts because if there were any hint of attraction between them (which often there can be between male and female friends, but those of us who are balanced don't get overwhelmed by it nor act upon it, and know that it's just normal and it passes) it would automatically mean he wanted to sleep with her or have a relationship with her, such is his inability to question his own stories or regulate his own emotions - and he tarred everyone else with that same brush.
@@lisabeaumont Hey Lisa!
From your comments, you look very knowledgeable. I think it's the early stage of my relationship with a girl with Fearful Attachment and so I wanted to ask you something.
Should I quit?
Should I continue? What measures can I takes?
Can she be cured or can she trust me? Because I read that they push people away and avoid being too close with anyone. They also jump from one person to another. Nothing is permanent. True?
Thank you.
PS: I'm trying to learn a lot about mental illnesses and human emotions. I also write on my Instagram page @purposology.
I wish that I had seen these before my break-up. I'm an AA, my ex was a FA. I was constantly on alert, but didn't know why; she was confusing to me, but she had no idea either. We just couldn't align. What a shame to lose love because you just don't know...
I am so sorry to hear.. I hope you can talk or work things out.. if it’s impossible I truly wish you healing.. I recently had a painful experience which brought up wounds and therefore thoughts of my attachment styles.. knowing ourselves is so important. I wish they taught us this at school
Literally same. My bf (I think FA) broke up with me a few days ago, and as an AA I just wish I knew this all before things got to the point that he believed it wasn't worth fixing :(
MusicToMyEars5 I hear this. :(
i feel this!
same same same :((( i really wish i saw this before my break up
Well this explains why my honeymoon stages seem to last approximately 2 weeks while other people get to have 6 months or a year.
Oh. My. Gosh. I knew I was a self saboteur in relationships but didn't know why until tonight. I just discovered my attachment style and it's blowing me away. Thank you so much.
Same my g
Finding this information is a life saver. Good luck on your journey!
If you found someone worth fight for, please go back to them and work things out. I’m the other side who receive a breakup. It’s really painful leaving someone who love and care for you dearly. Be vulnerable if they are the right one they will understand and work with you
Here weekly to soothe my anxieties since I'm once again attempting to pursue a relationship with someone. uuuuuugh it's exhausting.
having this attachment style just ended my relationship.
same :(((
Same. No one to blame but myself either.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend & I was so confused. I've started watching your videos and they have taught me that all the things that I went through with him was because I'm an anxious attachment style & he is an avoidant. Everything you say is right on point with what was going on. It has answered so many questions that I had & has helped me heal so much. I hope one day we can reconnect and work it out with the knowledge of this & I can show the videos to him. Thank you!
I am going through the same thing with my ex!!! Sending you love!! How are you doing???❤
@@Kimberlyelayyne I'm heart broken but trying to take one day at a time and not trying to spiral questioning if he loves me or not. I went to church rugs morning and balled my eyes out. Now I'm out dancing with girlfriends trying to keep a healthy balance lol Stay strong beautiful, sometimes that's the only thing a girl can hang on too!! Lol ❤
@@garrettlloyd7423 You got this!!! I'm so so sorry you are hurting. You should he proud of all you've accomplished today. You're continuing to keep going and doing the best you can. No words anyone can say can take away the pain, but know I'm standing with you and hope it gets better!
@@Kimberlyelayyne thank you love! It progressively gets better & better, little by little everyday. Wish I would heal a lit faster. Lol!
This gave me a sense of calm in the realization that I was never going to move past the power struggle stage with someone who stopped communicating. It feels easier to release knowing that.
Taking notes for my own reference as a fearful avoidant, but thought I'd share here since I didn't see it anywhere! Thank you for sharing this extremely valuable information!
1 Dating
Can last to about 0-6 months, depending on attachment style. Fearful avoidants tend to enjoy this stage because they can show up, be charismatic, connect. It’s when the opportunity for commitment comes up that they can start to deactivate and withdraw, oscillating into the next stage or the power struggle stage.
2 Honeymoon
Beautiful stage where there’s usually bliss, however, fearful avoidant tends to oscillate to next stage here. They can feel wounds being triggered almost immediately around needs not being met out of a deep belief of “I’m not worthy to have my needs met” or “if I express my needs it’s not going to go well and they’re not going to be met anyway so there’s no point.” Sabotaging the relationship can occur here or an imbalance of how much they give vs receive in the relationship, which can lead to a blow up.
3 Power Struggle
Important lessons to be learned here. It’s the make or break stage, right of passage for a relationship where you’re setting the foundation for growth, depth and beauty. Requires accepting your vulnerability, partner being able to understand and empathize with yours and your partners needs and feelings.
4 Stability
When we’ve moved through the power struggle phase effectively. Feeling like there’s a deeper acceptance and understanding of each other while feeling safe, connected and the drama fades away. Taking each other’s needs into consideration and making adjustments accordingly. Downside can be a feeling of boredom if they’re not aware of unmet needs.
5 Commitment
What’s required in this stage is to truly asses if each others values, needs, wants, visions for the future line up and how they can be lined up more effectively. This can look like marriage, living together, having kids, etc. but is essentially about making a deeper commitment to each other.
6 Bliss
Being back in honeymoon stage but deeper. You've learned each other's needs and you take them into consideration but you have your sense of self integrated into the picture, so you have yourself and love too in a blissful space.
Important questions i had a nice relationship with my ex FA . Sadly after 5 months she started to Bush me away from here after i travel to visit my family out of US . She told me she is surprised I'm still away from here then she told me she lost here romantic feelings and asked me to break up. I'm in no contact now since 70 days she looks will not come back and here feelings will not back . Also she blocked me from everywhere after 45 days no contact. Anu advice to me ? Is ahe over me ? Or she is confused? Because she told me she love me before a few days since we broke up
I just want to say, I am FA, and my previous relationship was with a very securely attached beautiful man. I think we went through all these stages, right up to commitment, and although we realized our romantic relationship was not working and we decided to "break up," we have remained good friends. I believe we are now in our own version of the bliss stage. We both fully accept each other and love each other unconditionally. I am so grateful. I am also aware this might change if one of us for example marries someone else, but living authentically is so worth the risk. Thank you for yet another amazing video!
You are going to regret, not being brave enough when that happens 😢
Thankyou! In a nutshell .....I'm a fearful avoidant. It's cost me the love of my life but its given me the kick up the backside I needed to look into and understand my issues.
Personal Development School courses on the Fearful Avoidant ( me) have been instrumental in my transformation. Can't thank you enough Thais.
as a strong FA (soon to be secure)I mayy have ran out on my first date (I was afraid because it was going well?!) with my now boyfriend.., its going great now but man is it a roller coaster as an FA! I'm infatuated and then I'm running away. Its so confusing to myself and my partner. I've told him from the beginning about my attachment style as a.. warning I guess? (like a "hey, FYI i'm gonna be A HANDFUL to deal with, your choice man! I'm warning you now XD" anyways, thank you Thai for the PDS courses its been the best of help and even my boyfriend and friends comment on how much i've been improving mentally (confidence, emotional regulations, less fights based on fear) as i've been really vulnerable about my journey
As a fearful-avoidant working towards secure, I have learned to be very specific in what meeting my needs looks like to my DA partner, only for it to have it ignores. To a degree, I feel more triggered or re-traumarized when I specifically express a need to only have it laughed at or ignored. I feel myself going back into my avoidant phase because at least if my partner doesn't meet my needs, I don't feel so personalized.
Perhaps your partner is a narcissist not Avoidant/ dismissive one? could be both also.
It is unhealthy to stick with a partner whom you vulnerably and with kindness ask to meet your needs.
In case you demand your needs and act paranoid then maybe that is the reason for someone thinking you manipulate them not asking with love for the needs being met.
But you know this- so of you ask with love and respect and self reflection and emotional vulnerability- good partner regardless of the attachment style will want to accomondate and validate ypur needs and feelings.
A narcissist wont give a rats patootie about that.
I am so sorry you went through this.
Wishing you lots of live and all your needs met.
For me being ignored and laughed at feels like the worst (I am FA). I can tolerate almost anything else, except that. So I understand how you feel. Have you talked about this with your partner and do they understand how it affects you? The only soothing thing might be to understand that they are probably not doing it on purpose. They also need to work on themselves not to ignore your feelings, because that is not healthy. However, I have noticed that if I talk about my needs while putting blame on my partner it usually doesn't end up well... You should tell them what you need in a calm way and try not to blame them, because that for some people is triggering and they might find it hard to really listen to you. Also, I would make sure that your partner is not trying to control you by ignoring your needs, because that is a sign of a much bigger problem. I have read that nobody who is securely attached ignores another person's feelings, because it is unhealthy. If your partner does it, they need to heal themselves.
You can never be secure completely
I can fully relate to this, sadly. How are things now?
As a DA with an FA partner, I can see now how my actions and non actions effected him so much that I almost lost my best friend! Married 30 years and couldn't imagine life w/o him.
Praying you DA will come around. If married, please don't give up!
See if your DA partner will watch some of the videos. Focus on the FA ones. That's what my FA did.
Prayers for you guys!
I broke up with my boyfriend today, and he sais that he never loved me. That he was lying to himself and lying to me. As a fearful avoidant I am extremely triggered. It's not hurt that i feel right now, I am empty
This video is one of the best I have seen so far because you really break down and make it understandable about how to go about creating a safe space and a better understanding of how we can both better work through these stages. Thank you so much😊
I have been making my way through these videos and have read your book. You have been a blessing to me. I have learned so much and am conciously working through the most positive connection I have ever had on a relationship level. Knowing about attachment styles has changed my life and I so appreciate it!
I’m so excited that I just ordered your book! This news of learning about attachment styles saved my marriage literally this week!!! Thank you for your work!!!!
I was seeing someone for less than a week and after everything was going great, him caring for me and showing me he wanted physical contact from a relationship, he suddenly brought up how he wanted no relationship bc he wasn’t sure he could trust someone like that ever again. The topic of a relationship never came up. But this came from the same person who stated they’ve tried dating apps… and even said our first outing was a date. It left me so confused how they did a 180 in less than 24 hours when we had just been having a great time
Powerful video!! Proud to say, my partner and I have reached the bliss stage....... After ten years of all the other mess. 🎉 It is possible and I definitely didn't see this coming. 💕 Thank you PDS.
You didn't talk about the "fearful avoidant in 6 stages" after reaching stage 4...instead you talked about the 6 stages of a common relationship. I was here to understand the fearful avoidant.
I suspect that unless one has faced themselves and integrated their ego (persona) it would be rare to have relationships move through stage 5. Also this seems to hold true in relationships, that all parties must be personally responsible and emotionally mature.
Catastrophic failures are also beautiful lessons. Find your bliss, follow your bliss.. rinse and repeat.
I feel like this is the most underrated and under-talked about attachment style. Thank you for talking about it!
How does this apply to friendships?
With this video, you have just changed my life. It's like the lights have been turned on. Thank you!!
I dated someone with a FA attachment style and it was hell. All that fault finding and emotional distancing took their tolls on me. She took it to the extreme by moving town and restricting communication to text only (of course limited too). It fizzled out in the end.
F*ck this shit. I won't settle for half baked craps like this ever again.
this is so insightful. My favorite topic because this whole thing is so hard to bear when in a relationship with ppl.
I am learning so much from you about relationships. I am working so hard to change improve myself. I have anxious and somewhat dismissive avoidant attachment style. I wish had these tools a year ago to really understand my partner. Keep up the good work. I am going to a local therapist and we will be using your material as part of the process loving myself and developing a secure attachment style. Thus a healthy relationship toolbox so my next relationship can be blissful.
Immediately starts oscillating between the honey moon stage and the power struggle stage 🎯
Thank you for this video Thais, it was super helpful. I’m asking myself though how I can see if I am just using deactivating strategies and pushing the person away, or if there are actual red flags and it is not a good idea to date a person. I find it really challenging to differentiate
Rosy Great question... Im a recently self diagnosed FA, and looking back on two of the relationships in which I remember deactivating... one of them was with someone who I instinctively knew would NEVER be able to meet my needs, very selfish and self centered, his mom believed he was narc, 3 months in, somewhere between 2nd and 3rd stage I attempted to break it off but but he charmed me back into it. Over the next year until I ended it for good I proceeded to obsess over all his flaws and talk shit behind his back. I CHOSE to ignore the red flags, all the while showing no much loyalty to him. The other relationship was with a secure guy, with his shit together and very willing to meet my needs. Once again between 2 and 3 my deactivation strategies kicked in and I ran. I haven’t been in a long term relationship in many years but I sure remember being so frustrated at my inability to love the ones who I knew loved me. Not surprising at all now given what I’ve learned about attachment styles 😉
I want to know tooo
💯 correct Thais. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. If only I knew about attachment theory before we broke up 6 weeks ago.😢
I am FA and was dating a DA for 2 years and all I wanted was to be with him. When he asked for a committed relationship I can’t believe I said “I don’t expect us to spend a lot of time together and I still want time to do my own thing”. 🤦🏼♀️ it’s like I couldn’t stop myself saying it even though that is the opposite of what I actually wanted. He also deactivated and started withdrawing and stopped initiating contact which of course brought out my anxious side. We were separated for 3 months due to Covid and spoke on the phone a few times a week.
When we saw each other again he was so critical and negative about everything and he broke up with me two weeks later. I am in no contact now, hoping for a second chance to do things differently. I am saving up to do your course and become more secure.
but how do i know the difference between "really not wanting someone, during the dating phase" (because it just don't fit) or "just running away, because i'm triggered and self-sabotaging"? my problem is that i never experience any type of deeper feelings, because i always cut off men already after the 2 date.. goooosh, getting closer to someone feels so f*cking unsafe and scary :/.
This sounds like a lot of work 😩. Idk if I'm capable of reaching the Bliss stage although it sounds nice in theory
omg! i feel the same way!
Same
Find bliss in yourself, only then will you achieve bliss in a relationship, lest the blind be leading the blind. Heal your trauma, love yourself and watch what happens!
Hahahaaha
its one thing at a time , step by step , this is also life , if you could just skip all the work it would be so empty ,
also everyone has their own way of doing things , follow your own feelings and find your way
Congratz on the book, Thais! Looking forward to it. Out of curiosity, will there be an audio version of it?
I'm curious too! I'm an audible girl! 🙃
Same here, I do audiobooks
@@mojabunni @Jessential Life - I'm an audible person too 😉 I checked on amazon quickly and its only available on paperback or kindle.
Does anyone else have a hard time trusting their partner? I constantly have thoughts of them possibly doing something behind my back. It’s hard to stop thinking about it even though they show me that they are fully committed and in love with me
@@gymonpedie1727 spot on!
My FA + BPD partner feels the same way even he loves me so, even he knows I love him so truly unconditionally.. He hides many personal things to me. Sometimes he say "U dont need my personal stuff" "For what U need?" When I ask abt small things abt his life Or say things like Im not trustworthy ,reliable in our relationship. Sometimes it changes.. 😐
Hi :) your videos have been really helpful for me thank you for producing them! I was curious about the book you mentioned in the beginning of the video, but the description seems to be cut-off before the link.
Very illuminating... Thank you...
SO helpful, thank you!
I am proudly in the stability stage as a FA leaning secure (after many years of personal development and therapy, former FA/DA) with my DA leaning secure (he's just more secure as a person, he was never an extreme DA). The most important components, mutual respect, communication and also respecting our own deactivating times without attaching any meaning to it.
I loved your video to the core. Please please give tips to move past the power struggle phase. Thank u♥️
great video! very easy to follow
wish I knew about this channel 2 yrs ago. I was anxious preoccupied (mostly secure now), my boyfriend of 2.5 yrs is fearful avoidant. thankfully were in the bliss stage now but knowing about attachment styles would’ve saved me an awful lot of heartache it took to get to this point...
hey i’m in a similar situation but my relationship has only been going for 2/3 months so far. can you offer any advice?
@@belladimanno learning what each of you need and communicating. When my partner is upset, it’s my instinct to show him love and affection (bc that’s what I would want) but really he needs alone time. So I may rub his arm and tell him I love him, I’m here when he’s ready and give him his space. Vice versa, he thinks I need space when what I really want is lots of love and affection.
@@belladimanno discuss things after you have uncomfortable interactions after things have calmed down. “I feel like that could’ve gone better. How could we have done things better? What did you need from me? I needed x from you.” It takes consistency and effort from both of you but eventually things get easier the more you understand each other
Thais, I usually love your videos and gain insight from them but, as others said, this one did not stay on the fearful avoidant topic at all. You briefly covered dating and honeymoon stages as it pertains to FA's, then it's like your train of thought "derailed" and you just started describing the basic relationship stages and what needs to happen in general, with no reference to FA's in particular. I mean, the info was helpful as it applies to ALL attachment styles, but I didn't learn anything about FA's specifically.
Is it normal for a FA to have a hard time falling in love? I never feel totally satisfied when dating someone even tho i try my hardest to make it work and be the best and most affectionate person possible so that the person wants me.. but It just dont seem to work for me even tho i want it to
same :/ .. i tend to date men only for like 2 times and then i cut them off (mostly this already happens after the first date, because my head is telling me: "naaah, girl, don't go deeper with a person, that's too unsafe!"). so i protect myself from getting hurt by never allowing myself to deepen a relationship, not even just a tiny bit. although i really miss being in love.. but i never reach that point where i could experience this beautiful feeling :/.
Dear Lisa, your post sounds to me like you go into extreme people-pleasing during dating. You'll probably go home feeling exhausted from all the acting you have to do for them to like you. I can imagine how that doesn't feel good and would hold you back from creating positive associations with a person. Maybe then your beautiful caring subconscuous mind tells you that there is something wrong with them anyway, just to make you leave the situation that makes you feel uncomfortable? Maybe you should actually try less hard? I don't know you but I am 100% sure that you are completely worthy of being wanted, loved, desired, cherished, adored, supported- just the way you are.
I'm FA. I've been with a DA and we're in the power struggle stage. I am so tired of being anxious about him cheating or leaving, that as of this morning I backed us off to FWB. Then I get his presence without having to worry about any of that. Especially when he's at the extreme end of dismissive.
fearful avoidant here, got broken up with by an anxious preoccupied.
what did i even do wrong? i go through all the trouble of taking down all the mental walls to be honest about how i feel despite the killer anxiety involved, and i still get blown off. worse, she uses the "it's not you it's me" cliche and insists i'm a great person and "it's her fault."
i don't understand.
i've been coping poorly; it keeps looping in my head, and i feel like if this keeps up i'll end up eschewing social contact entirely given it always ends badly, platonic or romantic.
They probably wanted more of your time, more intimacy would be my best guess based on their style and yours.
Love this video 🙏
Wow..This ih s good stuff. Thank you
The comments are also so good 💜 I feel soothed
Hi
Thanks for your great videos, they're hugely helpful. I want to send the link for the quiz, to find out which attachment style we are, but the link doesn't work. Could you send me the correct link please?
Many thanks.
Very informative video, thank you!
Thank u for making this!!!
Hearing this relationships are so hard work... while i see a lot of relationships growing organically. Why keeping sondifficult when it can be easy.
My previous relationships where never such a struggle. And I had long term relationship, everything was clicking
I really love her videos and normally all the others are amazingly organized and well plotted. But this one was kind of all over the place. It says FA and the 6 stages…she started off talking about AA. And she didn’t even mention FA specific behavior on the stability stage. This video is great for understanding the different stages a couple go trough but for FA. Specific it’s…everywhere after half the vid. Regardless you’re awesome and this video was really helpful for understanding the importance of moving through all the stages.
How do you tell the difference between the power struggle stage and an unhealthy, potentially unsolvable dynamic?
It’s only unsolvable if that’s what you make it. We go off of your needs. - FA
SPOT ON dang!
Hi Im a FA and this video just fills me up with hope lmao. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.
Since you're FA, don't you push people away? I mean I read about its symptoms and it said people with FA always look for temporary relationships. Never permanent. Is it true?
@@munzirism I can only speak for myself but I think a lot of FAs might agree to this: pushing people away doesn't happen intentionally. No, looking for temporary relationship is not the end goal. There is a tendency to self-sabotage relationships because of core wounds we need to tend to.
@@CL-qj6ps so you can never be with 1 partner?
@@CL-qj6ps spot on
is there any chance you can speed through these things? I feel like my honeymoon stage was extremely short and the power struggle stage is lasting months. I do think being in this UK lockdown definitely doesn't help because we physically can't connect so much.
This is all so true!
Thank you so much for your videos they have really changed my life. I’m FA - me and my DA partner got stuck in the honeymoon/power struggle phase just like this and your other video describing the relationship between DA and FA is scarily accurate!
I do wonder, you seem to talk less specifically about FA after the power struggle stage, is this because FA’s can’t get past this stage in a relationship? 🙈
I'm an FA dealing with a DA as well, hehe. Her videos have helped me a lot in having patience with my DA.
Akasha Angel Luna im in a relationship with DA too. Im learning in having more patience with him too... did you tell your DA about attachment styles, and does your DA want to work on himself too, or its only you?
I find it difficult... cause my DA doesnt think there is nothing “wrong” with him...
@@tequilabumbum4373 I've told him I am FA, I don't think he knows anything about these. He kinda admits that he has some issues but he also said he doesn't care about it enough to want and change it.
Akasha Angel Luna yeah, Im in the same situation :D
Hopefully once we heal our attachment style and move into a secure one, we will still have the power to deal with DA shit
I was really looking for details on how fearful avoidants move through the stages but after power struggle there wasn’t much focus on fearful avoidant but general explanations of the stages of relationship. Can you do a video where you talk through specifically how the fearful avoidant moves through the last 4 stages instead of just defining them?
lol yeah, I'm fearful-avoidant / preoccupied attachment style, my gf is anxious preoccupied attachment style, she wanted to be exclusive after 2nd date, I took it as a great surprise since before first bf/gf. Led to me wanting to date again after a few months many times and going back and forth a lot. Together for 10 months and just had our first major 3 day space / mini break, we only had a few times of 1 day breaks before. Living together as well.
Feels like we need to constantly keep doing things to keep our attachment alive. It's hard when she leaves for work or visits friends/colleagues without me.
I couldn’t manage to tease out the 6 stages. I missed one. Is there another video that lines them out more clearly?
I did your quiz...I was 24% on secure, 24% DA, 24% AA & 29% FA. So what do I make of that...76% screwed haha?
Lmaoo had similar results.
Yeah
You r warrior bruh🤣💣💣💯💪
@@SuperMan-jq4xz LOL
Wait but what if the things you freak out about are actually red flags. I do the thing where I will find the faults... ignore them like a genius... and those faults are the exact things that end the relationship (aka: I'm the rebound)
i vacillate between fearful avoidant and anxious preoccupied. Lord have mercy 🙄
Can you do a video about the different attachment styles in a relationship with an individual who is narcissistic?
Love bombing, devaluation, discard...
I know a fearful avoidant who married 2 women he barley knew- is this usual for them?
What happened? After the first two stages, you mentioned nothing about FAs. Can you cover the other stages for FAs in another vid?
Can you change attachment styles over the years? I tested fearful avoidant but not sure that is accurate.
You should watch this video ua-cam.com/video/jaosM6Hi2JQ/v-deo.html (Also you can actually change your attachment style)
Yes you can. I asked this same question and My psychology professor actually told me that it can actually change, depending on the particular relationship/friendship you’re in and how that partner may make you feel. Almost like a trigger
Please provide a Kindle version of the book!
Most importantly, you have to love the most crucial person in the relationship first, the love of your life, the one in the mirror, yourself! if you dont love yourself how are you suppose to love someone else.
Thank you so much for these videos, they have really helped me with understanding my own emotions and why certain relationships didn't work out.
I would really like to know how long-distance relationships have an effect on attachment style as well as same-sex couples? It would be very interesting and helpful.
Thanks to your videos I realized that I was in an avoidant-anxious relationship last year, where I had anxious tendencies, which made me think I had an anxious attachment style. In the last 6 months, I've been in a much healthier relationship, however, I now tend to have more distant reactions, she seems to have a more secure attachment style with anxious tendencies.
Recently I don't want to talk on the phone as much, I get annoyed when she asks me about my day or even the amount of times that she tells me she loves me. Which I know are normal parts of a relationship and she is so pure and good, I know she's not manipulating me, but, I still get so agitated and frustrated. I now recognize that I probably have a more fearful-avoidant attachment style and her being more anxious is just bringing out the more avoidant part of me.
I'm working on communicating better and understanding why I feel the way I do.
Basically, just thank you.
You are reading. my. mail.
Thank you. This is extremely timely.
I want to start out at the power struggle phase so we can discuss & vet each other for how well we can both navigate conflict.
Since this is where things have repetitively fallen apart before & I only care to invest in people who equally show up to meet me in working through challenges…
As I say this though, I recognize this can be vetted from the start by voicing boundaries & needs along the way & observing how they respond to them
You are so right about laying down boundaries from the get-go! Doing that and observing how they deal with them is how you avoid having to scare the living daylights out of someone with a serious conversation until they run for their lives.
I am in the early stages of a relationship with someone, and there are lots of questions I feel like asking him, but he seems to be FA and I don't want to scare him off by asking those questions, so I have been setting clear boundaries instead and creating the conditions in which he asks himself the questions I would ask him, so he can answer them to himself, because he is really the person who needs those answers, not me. He has been anticipating behaviour on my part that is remnants of past trauma with other people, sort of projecting those people onto me, and instead of asking him why he does this, I simply helped him realize that he is doing this and asked him not to. It really seems like he has been listening. The boundaries are like tools I put in his hands to navigate the relationship.
You are so right about laying down boundaries from the get-go! Doing that and observing how they deal with them is how you avoid having to scare the living daylights out of someone with a serious conversation until they run for their lives.
I am in the early stages of a relationship with someone, and there are lots of questions I feel like asking him, but he seems to be FA and I don't want to scare him off by asking those questions, so I have been setting clear boundaries instead and creating the conditions in which he asks himself the questions I would ask him, so he can answer them to himself, because he is really the person who needs those answers, not me. He has been anticipating behaviour on my part that is remnants of past trauma with other people, sort of projecting those people onto me, and instead of asking him why he does this, I simply helped him realize that he is doing this and asked him not to. It really seems like he has been listening. The boundaries are like tools I put in his hands to navigate the relationship.
Can this attachment style cause us to lose all attraction and desire for the partner consistently, as well as feeling not "in love", out of protection? Can this be shifted back with healing?
That's a great question. I definitely felt that loss on the other end with an FA
FA that leans more towards dismissive attachment style over here that was with a AA. Although he was stuck in the honeymoon stage he wanted to propose to me after 2 months and DID at 6 months. Every FA's worst nightmare. Lets just say after moving in with him and moving out a month later, 8 months of back and forth cycles with 6 months of couples counseling we have finally broken up for good 2 weeks ago. Completely heartbroken but wow am I emotionally spent.
Yeah have an AA and we’re still all over the place he things moving in together after a year of a good idea. He’s lived alone only a few years and been in and out of several toxic AF relationships . No way in hell I’m moving in during power stage or even talk about it
I’m having trouble understanding what the power struggle stage is. Is it where the FA discards/ghosts you?
Hi once a DA leaves. Is it possible he will come back,.
Why are we asking those questions during the commitment stage then but not like in the beginning? I dont understand why you would ask make or break questions at the end???
I connected it to this perspective: Ultimately our relationships are here to help us grow and we usually attract people based on that. It is essential to move through the stages to heal our wounding that brought us together in the first place, after that it is time to see if this relationship is really there for more than that.
If my FA is suddenly pulling away saying he is afraid of committing after we've been going so well, what should i do? do i let him go or keep trying
Hey there, I totally sympathize with you, and your situation. I would recommend you be honest with him, and your needs; be honest with how you feel about him, and what you're looking for; after you send him this message detailing your needs, and desires that include him in them, I would say "let me know when you're ready for commitment." Then, I would give him time to figure out what he wants. Best of luck!
Let him go. If he really likes you he’ll come back himself.
I have a question regarding FA not wanting to have kids.
I am a FA and I love kids but I made the decision of not wanting to have any when I was 9!!!! Because of my family ofc.. does this means that this decision was based on my attachment style and fears??? If I healed I might be open to have kids? I don't hate kids but I feel sorry for them that they will come to this world and live this hell
It's a 💯 Trauma response. Do the work, Heal, then decide.
6 Stages:
1. Dating
2. Honeymoon
3. Power Struggle
4. Stability
5. Commitment
6. Bliss
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Love your show!!
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Both of us took this test so we are both fearful avoidant which is kind of surprising but not at the same time. We have been together for over 7 years married for two. She says for the past 5 or 6 years I have been emotionally unavailable and that there's a cycle and it causes her to have debilitating anxiety issues because she has anxiety issues that can cause her to I have a lot of problems. I didn't know there was a cycle I don't know I'm doing it half the time until recently. But that's because she's almost done she says it's in my court but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to love bomb her but I'm trying to put myself back in the habit of doing those things that help in a relationship like little notes here and there or small gifts and stuff like that just letting her know that I'm thinking of her because I haven't. I think about it all the time I love her dearly I think she's beautiful and an amazing person but sometimes for some reason I have hell of a time after a while sending her a message or something every once in awhile letting her know that I'm thinking about her even though I am thinking about her I just got into the habit of not actually sending her a text or something. I'm a truck driver and so I'm gone for most of the time I'm home everyday but I work a third shift schedule so it makes things already difficult. Is there any advice you can give me and her to fix our marriage? Sometimes I feel like when I do do those things to show her she's not receptive to him and so I think that shuts me down even more but she doesn't see herself as being unreceptive so there's an argument there and I hate confrontation. What can we do to fix this?
I’ve recently come across your videos and I LOVE THEM!!! It explains SO MUCH! My partner is an FA and I am so confused. I think we are in the Power Struggle Stage now but we continue to text and talk on the phone. We just don’t see each other. We’ve been seeing each other 4 months but it’s been in a power struggle for over a month. How can I pull him closer to me again without being pushy/needy? I’m scared to tell him I need to feel him physically to feel reassured.
Can I ask have you fell in love with this person . This is like my story too x
@@MJ-od5sh I did fall in love with him but we are in No Contact now 😢
@@monicasoto4905 thankyou for replying. Reason I asked as I have Gone thru hot & cold behaviour with mine, it’s been 5 months for us. I hurt his feelings by asking him a question that triggered his past trauma. We stepped away from each other & he threw himself on a dating site . Am so hurt as I told him I loved him & he tells me am not in love ! Maybe after a year is fine. Which is so hurtful . If I had invalidated him like that he would of been so angry. So like you also it’s over x
@@MJ-od5sh that's happened with me too . We been together 6 months. Just after i travelled out of US she told me she don't love me anymore . then we broke up now 60 days no contact and she looks will not come back also she blocked me from everywhere? What i should do ? Move on or i should wait?
A lot of people give up during the power struggle phase. - fearful avoidant
Think he was FA, I'm more anxious.. he just would get jealous if I didnt txt.the amount of blocks I got..I'd crawl back as soon as he unblocked, but he wasnt really their.. began talking to a coworker,sexually, as an anxious I'd go on my value and .. it was so vague and he just listened to the " why keep blocking me and girl and think we were both really hurt, he was hurt by what I said , I was hurt being told I'm this or that, but when intimacy hit I saw her just sabotage us, the next day..
I am becoming more secure then anxious, and I dont have this with friendships..I dont think hes a bad or terrible person but I'm so drained.. I just want to get to love myself better.. then him 24'7 like before.
are the fa stages in the new book?
Ive been obsessively watching content on FAs trying to learn how to be the best partner I can for her. Ive been so anxious it’s debilitating. Im putting my best foot forward, trying to integrate these things and it feels like she could care less about me. Never struggled like this before. I wish I could do it, I wish I could keep going. But whats the point when I dont get that energy back?
Idk. I feel like I either can't get past a 3rd date with someone or they love bomb me. I literally feel like there is no in between.
How long do secure people stay in dating phase?
Thais: Can you do a video on how to find oneself?
I believe I am have avoidant traits and suspect my wife is borderline. Can you point to any articles etc analyzing the interaction between these two personality disorders?
You can't suspect anything about mental health lol if you are not a medical Dr 🙂
@@sasciavanwyngaard9024
mmh that's simply not true
By that logic nearly nobody would go to therapy/the doctor
It's important to observe what you think are symptoms of a certain condition/disorder in order to prevent something from happening or to heal as soon as possible
@@subscriberephemere2328 yes you can think it but you can't go upto someone and say hey you have bipolar because they could have something completely different. You know what I mean ?
@@sasciavanwyngaard9024
yeah I agree on that !
but the original comment just says "suspect my wife is.." and not "my wife is.."
That's completely different
@@subscriberephemere2328 true he did say he suspects which is not exactly giving a direct diagnosis. 🙏
How long does the power struggle stage last?
I’ve never moved past that stage I think. By the time it calmed down it was like resignation and then he started cheating
@@landy952 i’m so sorry you went through that. Cheating is devastating.
How do I change from this?
Where are your qualifications? They're not posted anywhere.