After 3 years of therapy non stop twice a week I officially dont have borderline!! I dont meet any of the 9 criteria for Borderline anymore and I want to shout it from rooftops!! I was so scared that this was gonna be my life forever but it is possible to get well
Im so proud of you! My best friend has BPD and I'm browsing everywhere to know how I can best help her. Its 5 a.m in the morning, I have been up all night
I'm stunned. Just stunned. It's so surreal to hear someone calmly explain my life's story to me. I even use that exact term: "You're my favorite person."
i have been unconsciously making different people my fp for years and years now and i NEVER knew there was a name for it until looking deeper into the bpd community after my diagnosis! this has helped me so much! i thought i was just really clingy!
I honestly thought this was a normal thing that everyone went through. I dont even refer to them as my favorite person, I refer to them as just my favorite implying that i love them more than any other thing on earth.
it’s so exhausting to live with this disorder. it’s so embarrassing how obsessed i get with one person and i always push them away with my paranoid delusions and intense emotions. no matter how self aware i an my emotions get the best of me and i fuck it all up
This is so eye opening. For me, if i dont have a favorite person i feel very lonely no matter how many friends i have. Hopefully i can be my own favorite person one day
that's a really good suggestion and solution to the issue to be fair, becoming your own favourite person will take a lot of commitment and dedication to achieve, but it really is vital. Become the star of your own movie, you are the most important person in your life at the end of the day, its so easy to get caught up in living to serve other people and other things, but when it comes down to it, its really your life to live and love.
I don't like being around people that much and I usually isolate myself as much as possible, but as soon as I make a connection with someone They become my favorite person and I can't stand being alone for even just a minute.
Jai Nunez it’s a very push-pull sensation that is common in BPD. Awareness is an important factor and can be the first step to doing it differently. I wish you well.
@@Aya-fk5tz I think after putting yourself through enough torment and pushing so many ppl away and embarrassing yourself and feeling devastated and alone enough, eventually we learn healthier behaviours. There's only so much crash and burn a person can take before we recognize a pattern and start taking steps to change it.
my FP isn't someone with NPD but i have a close friend that has it and they are really cool and an advocate for mental health. unfortunately they can be quite mean sometimes.
So have most partners been their FP before then? And: Do FPs ever just suddently stop from the BPD-side? Got to know someone with BPD the other day, I think i might be their FP yet. I'd really appreciate any sort of advice, so i can better respond to her needs. I'm a really calm guy that always wants to solve problems.. sooo I actually got hope this might work. Best regards from Germany, keep your heads up
I have been hurting my beautiful, perfect boyfriend with my crazy behaviour, just because he's my favourite person, and I'm borderline. It all makes so much sense now. Thank you.
I was a boy freind, and dang I wish I knew this stuff when I was with her. I felt I was hurting her to the point where I couldn’t make sense of what was happening at all (she disqualified her self internally I eventually figured out but I had never run into that before, like even when i asked specifically for her feelings and thoughts.
Having a romantic relationship with my favorite person is both amazing and killing. When things are good, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. When something’s wrong or he triggers me, i’d rather die than deal with the pain it gives me.
I’m so obsessed with my boyfriend. This is all so true, so me. I have all these issues with him. It makes me want to break up with him so he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore, but I’m so attached to him. I wouldn’t wish BPD on my worst enemy.
Its hard when your favourite person is actually a legit toxic person to you and your mental health too honestly. I've experienced this in the past and it has made me even worse.
I can relate to this so much. I‘ve had feelings for a narcisstic man since more than 2 years. I know that he will never be able to love me like I do but those feelings I get when we chat are like a drug to me and make me feel better instantly. When I don‘t connect to him anymore I feel empty and lonely. If I loose contact to him I automatically search for distraction, another person which can be my drug. It is so bad. I wish so hard I could just live by myself without nobody because I get hurt all the time by my high expectations and neediness but I can not do it because then I feel alone again. I feel so trapped.
Ive dated a girl with BPD. My heart goes to her. It really tore me apart when i had to break up with her. But she was drowning me with herself. Some might think its selfish what i did, but i had to save myself.
It's so sad to see how many of those who were in friendships or relationships with pwBPD actually loved them deeply. Your mind tries to convince you that they don't care and that you're bad and blablabla but often times it's not you that that person is trying to leave, it's your disorder.
These videos are so encouraging and refreshing. It's so nice to be able to watch videos about my disorder without feeling demonized and being able to feel like someone really understands and is supportive. Wish that I could find a doctor as understanding and helpful as these videos are.
All this time I thought I had a crush on someone but it turns out they're my "favourite person" as you call it. It really explains a lot. I've always known my attachment to them was unhealthy but I didn't know there was a name for it
im here 5 years later to take a minute to tell yall, it is possible to have a healthy fp relationship, it just takes time, so glad to hear a dr talk about fp’s, not everybody knows about them in the medical field to be honest
Hey Teesh, how was this possible for you? I’m an FP and my GF of 7 years called a break to our relationship this week, we are speaking again on Friday (if she feels up to it), I want to tell her that she’s loved and brave for making this decision and that we both need to be apart to work on ourselves, but I will always be there as support.
Dear @@DrDanielFox Please make a video about BPD favourite person and energy vampire... for a lack of better word. My BPD-partner did that in the symbiosis phase, before devaluing me. I felt like my whole energy got sucked out of me! He was an energy-vampire. I was so exhausted so i needed to distance. And, one video on how to handle the stonewalling by them after they've really hurt the partner. Thank you! ❤
Thanks, my wife has BPD and I have not been able to handle it properly. Our life has been an absolute whirlwind. She met me maybe a week after my mom died I was living in a sober house after years of heroin and meth addiction, we were pregnant within 3 months during which was more arguing than I’ve ever experienced. I relapsed went back to treatment and then sober house and moved I together as our daughter was born. She already had two kids from previous marriage. We continued our relationship meanwhile we were both finding things out the other did while I was getting treatment, so the arguments continued. Somewhere started a small business out of a pop up tent that grew into a food truck. We had our second child together for a total of four. Maybe had one “decentish” year. Now we are expecting our fifth child in October, and things are really coming to a head and getting even harder all still running a successful business together trying to raise four kids with a fifth on the way. She claims I have NPD.. I disagree do I have begun therapy. She hasn’t done any sort of therapy since the beginning of our relationship when she was diagnosed. I haven’t been able to grasp how to help her through things and I continue to trigger her. In my mind my existence is her trigger, but I also get more upset/angry than I should when she is triggered. We both say horrible things to each other. She get violent, I accuse her of things she probably isn’t doing but has in the past. And I just want it all to stop but I don’t believe splitting is the right decision. She says she is going to get therapy again but I have yet to see it…..I’m scared for our family. I understand she doesn’t mean the horrible things she says but I can’t hold back a reaction because they are so personal and persistent.
This is definitely me!! I cling to a man I really dig on and he will be the center of my universe. If I don’t hear from him I will be inconsolable!!!!! If he does interact with me I will be happy for a while, but sometimes I will need more from him and start to despair if he isn’t giving it to me or seems to lose interest. It’s absolutely terrible.
@Banana Fanafoferry I know exactly how you feel as I can be the same, I actively avoid any kind of romantic relationship or even potential situations to stop myself getting into the same position as you describe. It is awful isn't it. I sincerely hope you are well and happy :)
Marina Phillips Would you say along with craving constant attention and validation, do you seek drama in your relationships to give you that rollercoaster of emotions?
This video scares me. I don't want to talk to my therapist about BPD because it sounds like I have it. Doing research on the subject makes me angry, sad, and sometimes I will just laugh because I dont know how to express my emotions. I'm in pain all the time and default to very negative thinking about myself and others. I just want it to go away and feel normal whatever that may be.
Don't worry! It's also possible to have traits, without having the full disorder, which is significantly easier to work with. Also just as extra info for when you feel like you can speak with your psychologist, BDP in adult women is frequently misdiagnosed as Autistic, so be aware of that trap.
Omg I feel this so much! You arent alone! I feel your pain. But I think the first place to start is to discuss with your therapist and not be afraid and dont expect them to not be receptive because 9 out of ten they will work with you. Give it a chance. Even if your current one wont trust there will be one who will I promise and much love because I feel even now everything you are feeling rn. You'll be okay ❤💯
I’ve been “the favorite person” I think on a couple different occasions with people who I’ve suspected have borderline or who do have borderline. It’s traumatized me, over and over again. The guilt for feeling like I made them reliant on me for stability, the guilt for not being able to possibly give enough of myself to them, the resentment that grows due to the constant emotional abuse (and they can always tell if there’s even a hint resentment), it’s just a lot for one person to hold. I no longer will let anyone get dependent on me or see me as some sort of savior, I’ve learned to draw clear boundaries from the get go because it’s so much harder to draw them when you’re already in deep with someone who’s made you their Favorite Person. I’ve lost compassion for people with borderline due to years of emotional abuse but it’s helpful for me to recognize where I realistically went wrong with certain people and to understand that their mindset is coming from a very traumatized and insecure place. That doesn’t excuse abusive behaviors but it does help me not be so angry. The bottom line is I’ve grown and learned that even though it gives me a sense of happiness to help someone who’s struggling/to be idolized by someone (narcissistic of me), it isn’t worth it and is so damaging for everyone involved.
Interesting how ignored this comment is, but I just thought the same thing! I feel terrible, but until I've healed from my own trauma and handle my ADHD (and rejection sensitivity from that) i dont feel comfortable allowing people who may treat me as their "FP" close anore. Ive had repeated patterns of friendships that felt like i was their "everything" and only "real friend" and its jaded me over 20 years. I'm so sorry you've also experienced this and I hope you've been able to heal 💛
It kinda feels like that’s how my current relationship is and it’s very draining. I’m simultaneously the best and worst at so many things it feels like and I can never give him enough attention. We are starting couples therapy but I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m out of energy, and while I love him, everyone in our lives comments on how unpredictable and intense his emotions are. Additionally his desire to have all of my time distorts his perception of how much time I give him and it’s exhausting. I also like to hang out with other friends of mine alone just to catch up and he has always felt that was weird and didn’t get why he couldn’t come along and says it makes him think they hate him and I’m like that’s not how people work…. Sorry for venting on your comment just it seemed very relatable to me
It really is a drug, a painkiller. When this person is around I feel no pain and am so confident and happy and social. When they are gone, I am a no one a leaf floating in the wind no one notices or cares about.. I have gotten better lately but I definitely have days where I feel non existent without them
Woah I thought I was just disgustingly codependent. Luckily I've made steps on my own two try to combat these feelings. Im not diagnosed with BPD but knowing this is a concept is very comforting
WOW! I just stumbled on this video..THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for posting this information. This is the FIRST time I've ever seen or heard of a professional in the therapeutic community addressing the issues surrounding the concept of "Favorite Person." Most therapists dismiss this issue and lump it in with other symptoms of the disorder. The fact that you validate this, as something "real," is huge. Not only do you present a valid picture of what having a "favorite person" is like, you give tools to manage it as well. Thank you very very much.
I have suffered from this and have seen others suffer from it. I can reason that this condition is co-morbid with obsessions with celebrities, and stalker syndrome. Also, the sufferer can smother and exhaust the favourite person to the point of making them leave.
In life you are a hurtful person so i dont interact with you i use mail. But actually i dont want to intetact with anybody i dont see and meet in person normally, so its broken ofg
Wow. This has helped me understand my lady a little better. She has been diagnosed with BPD and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. We have been together almost 4 yrs now and it is hard to understand someone like that with no idea what to do/say. Thanx Dr. Fox for this info.
@@cheyennearchambeault2867 to be 100% honest, I had almost gave up a few times, but when you love/care about someone like that, it's a small price to pay to be able to help them and get the love bk in return (the right way). If you are struggling with BPD, I will pray for you. Have a great day... 🤗
@@cheyennearchambeault2867 That's so awesome!!!🤘🤘 Good thing you never gave up!! Now your child (ren) will grow up with a dad that's not controlled by other things. My hat is off to you!! 👏 I know it takes a lot to put up with that, but congrats!! 🤗🤗
I could not stop laughing towards the end when he’s talking so calmly and logically about something so intense I’ve struggled with a lot of my life. Partly laughing bc I’m like HE UNDERSTANDS how emotionally extreme it feels, I finally feel understood
Oh my god... I haven’t found someone yet who has perfectly described what I go through daily. I’ve always felt crazy or hyper sensitive or Just abnormal. This video could seriously change my life. Thank you.
I came here because my current favorite person hasn’t responded to my message in a day. And I’m in a better place, so I’m trying my best not to spiral (as I normally would) or do things to try and catch his attention. It is really nice to hear that I’m not the only one who gets so affected by this and that there are terms and treatment for the things that I have gone through with people that I decided to set my focus on. I’m trying to learn how to stop idealizing people and to interact with them like they’re human. This is really helpful. Thank you.
I believe what you’ve described is something called “arrested development” People with BPD are “stuck” in the past not usually by choice but because, our needs weren’t met as children (trauma also) and we failed to grow. The ones who were supposed to show us how to grow did not - they did not know or were not there. We are adults on the outside but on the inside we are still a child.
weird thing is, he does not say that they are all basically your mother. that you are projecting your mother onto people, and need them to play the part.
I was the fav person. He pushed me out with testing and abuse. He told me if you want what's best for me it isn't this. I took that to heart. I want what's best for him. Strangely after I left he wants my presence. Well no thanks. I'm not a doll to grab and throw away. I'm now thinking about what's best for me for once. He used phrases like "you're my best friend" then tried to break up a day later. "light in my life" "answered prayer" "favorite" "sweetest thing that ever happened to me" "gem" "Queen"
My GF left me for her "favorite person." It's funny how I had no clue what it meant when she first started talking about that person. Had I known it was this much of a connection, I would've ran and saved myself the sadness.
@@jeffreyquinonez8964 am honestly not disagreeing with you but I was not like this with people before I met her so In one way or another I'll run for my life and get myself back
My entire life, my mom has been my “favorite person”. Probably due to the fact that she was the person who comforted me and made me feel safe. She was the one who started working on learning to help me through my break downs and irrational thoughts. When I was 12, my first therapist told us she definitely was seeing possible signs of borderline. So my mom bought a bunch of books about the disorder, and began her research. I’m 18 now, and she still gets new books on it to this day. She has definitely done things that absolutely destroyed me, but it was always unintentional. She’s genuinely sorry, and still trying to help me. I’m seeing a DBT therapist and working on EMDR therapy, my parents are also seeing a therapist with experience in DBT so they can get an understanding of me and my disorder.
My mom was my favourite person too, she died last year and it was soul crushing, I’m learning to live my life without her and without a favourite person, I’m doing well
i’ve had the “favorite person” thing for literally my entire life... it was so abnormal i never knew it could have ever been understood. i’m so glad this video exists
I was so apprehensive of clicking on this because of the horrible stigmatizing videos on UA-cam about BPD but you did such an amazing compassionate job and thank you so so much
Wow. I have done this. I noticed I didn't do this when I got my dog. It's felt like I didn't need anyone else but her. Kept me grounded, stable, loved and understood. Cause I knew no matter what, she will always love me. Made me feel safe and when we were out focus was mainly on her not me. I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for her.
I was someone’s favorite person not too long ago, i think, and it messed me up badly. Pretty much half of my high school years were taken up by this constant tension and worry about her. She asked for so much time and attention and affirmation from me that i felt like i was suffocating. I’m not a very social person, but i felt like i had to be constantly available to her. I honestly feel like i have to thank the pandemic for giving me an excuse to distance myself and eventually formally cut off all contact. I hate what i did to her. She didn’t deserve it at all. My friends and partner hate her because of how it all affected me and took me away from them, but i don’t blame this girl at all. I think she really was trying her best to be better, to give me space, to give back to me what i gave to her, but i just couldn’t do it. Though i know it’s much more complex, i can’t help but think I was the “bad guy” in the relationship. I promised more of myself to her than i could ever feasibly give, and then i became bitter towards her like it was her fault. Cutting her out of my life was supposed to be like ripping off a bandaid, but it felt more like mercy killing a wounded animal. At least i hope it was mercy. Was i wrong? I have no idea if she’s okay or not now, but if she’s not, is it my fault? It used to be that when i met someone new, i was an open book and unafraid to be emotionally honest, but now when things get too serious i pull back and shut down. I want to go back to the way i was before, but I’m so scared of getting trapped in a relationship like that again…
My ex of 8 years could have written this. On behalf of women with struggles like me I am so sorry for all you went through. You can make different choices next time. The real thing is to rebuild your confidence by being in similar situations (not a toxic relationship, but dating) and making better choices to prove to yourself that you can.
You are not wrong, dear. Trust me. As someone with Borderline, it takes years and years of self awareness and work to gain emotional stability. That's something WE have to cultivate that nobody can give to us. I know you feel responsible but you're not. The way our minds work is not your fault or mission to fix. Some things are just really difficult for pwBPD to understand that make immediate sense to other people. It's like speaking a different language that most people simply can't understand. But instead of trying to force people to speak our language, we (pwBPD) should try to learn theirs. You clearly have so much compassion for your ex, and I can respect that. But you are a person with your own wants, needs, boundaries and dreams. When a pwBPD has a favorite person, they find this hard to understand. Do not put yourself back into that situation. I hope you're doing well these days and that you have begun to heal.
My daughter just had 2 best friends say they didn't wanna be her friends anymore. She was so crushed! I know she can be difficult, but she'll latch on to someone and I'm sure it can be stifling. I'm her mom, and I'll always be her Solid. I'll never give up on her.
Wow. You just completely summed up my relationship with my beloved BPD daughter. I didn’t know there was an actual name for it, but I see now that I am indeed her “favorite person” of the roller coaster type. I do everything I can to love and support my daughter, and this video is invaluable in my effort to help both of us. Thank you from the bottom of this mother’s heart.
I didnt realise this was a thing until now. But my mother was my Favorite Person. She passed away and I'm struggling. She loved me so much and was a beautiful woman.
I just cried as soon as I heard the term favourite person along with the explanation of the different relationships.I've always had these sort of relationships with people for as long as I can remember, but I'm close to becoming an adult (I'm 17) and it's starting to get too intense and unhealthy for me to cope with.I felt so understood thanks to this and now I can finally know how to make things easier. Thank you so much.
you are still young love and i'm glad you had the chance to learn how to cope better with this earlier on. I'm just now realizing these traits and was diagnosed at 27. i'll be 30 in january and still trying to figure out how to make this work or live with it. be patient with yourself though. sending love and positivity your way.
I got into a mental and physical relationship with someone I was dependant on at 14. My mom thought it was okay but my ex would manipulate me and gaslight, aswell as blackmail me and tell me she would kill my animals if I left her. When homophobia came into the picture because of her newfound religion she left me. My mom is my other "favorite person" but I hate to be demanding. I think I might just end it when I turn eighteen and disappear. I don't know what else to do because changing is more painful than a peaceful death at this point
I'm 17 now. I always had a kind of particular tendency in giving one person a special place in my life. Though I had lot friends in school, I saw myself swinging towards someone other than all. Things were quite easy at that time. But it's all changing. I'm getting emotionally unstable as each day pass by. My previous fp had no idea about my BPD stuffs neither do I. I left my contact with her when I realized things are getting itchy for her. I used to spend a whole day sniffing and Sonni over her thoughts. By leaving her, I thought my life would get normal as before. It was hard without her, it took me almost 3 months of no contact at all to get over her. But....at that same time, my mind drifted to other person who is my current fp. I was hoping for things to get normal but I'm again drowning in this same Bpd ocean. Life's getting to tough as each day pass. Now that I get to know about BPD and FP related stuffs my mind is more peaceful than before. But it won't cure any of my pain. Wonder when things will get alright. I miss the young self of mine.
Omg I’m 17 and was just diagnosed and am feeling so many intense things rn. Can I ask are you like absolutely terrified of what it’s like after high school or is it something not related to the bpd. I’m so scared to be an adult, I just cry all day everyday sometimes I feel like, my eyes just always leak.
I was devalued several times from my ex who suffered from this illness. Broke off the love we had as if I were speaking with two people. One that loves me, and the other that hates everything about me. And now she’s gone. I did my part about studying BPD further, now it’s too late, because I feel like all the answers that would have saved our relationship, was from this video. Damn.
I've lost my favorite person due to testing and confirming mainly. I have went so long not understanding my own personality disorder. It wasn't until I began watching your videos that I truly began to comprehend what has been going on within myself the entire time.
being someone’s “favorite person” and molding myself around that role for years and years has destroyed my life and my sense of self. the immense pressure and responsibility that goes with that role, the rollercoaster of being idealized/devalued, building a life and worldview around accommodating her volatile feelings and neuroses- all of these have broken me as a person. I don’t know who I am anymore, to the point where I can’t make even the most basic decisions like what to eat or whether I should stay in school. I don’t trust myself at all anymore because I’ve been gaslighting myself and repressing my own feelings this whole time. I’m not saying this is all the other person’s fault (I was the self-martyring one who sought out a chaotic codependent best friendship and tied myself to it for over half a decade), but I’m tired of the expectation that the bpd sufferer gets to be broken and the people in their lives are just supposed to handle it all without breaking themselves. I’ve loved her so deeply but I also hate her more than anyone in my life. And i can’t find any sources on BPD that would help me work through my feelings about this without demonizing her.
I'm so sorry about the pain you are going through. I used to be in a similar position. I stayed for a year after the devaluation & push/pull behavior started. It was a very toxic, confusing, painful life. Had I stayed longer, I'm sure I would have ended up feeling the way you do- completely destroyed, & unsure of who I even am anymore... It's been 2 years since then, & my BPD ex & I are officially divorced. My life is hectic & full of challenges- but it is also about 1000 times easier & 1000 times less painful than it was before. I laugh & smile a lot more now. I get to pursue interests that I wasn't "allowed" to pursue before. I don't walk on eggshells on a daily basis anymore. I'm starting to love myself, perhaps for the first time since I was a very young child. I have two pieces of advice for you- 1) Get serious about working on your family of origen issues, & begin the work of re-parenting yourself. Partners of people with BPD tend to have the same types of Mommy/Daddy issues as people with BPD... It's not an easy or quick process, but until we address those issues & heal from them, we are likely to repeat the same dysfunctional relationship patterns over & over again. 2) Take full responsibility for the role you played. You seem to have started to do this already, which is great!! Keep going with it. I'm saying this with love- no one force us to be with or stay with this person after the abuse started. Unless they had us locked in a basement for several years, we could have left at any time.We chose not to. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself what red flags you saw, that you chose to ignore. Ask yourself why you chose to ignore them. A therapist who is knowledgeable about codependency will be invaluable in helping you to work through these issues... I wish you peace & healing on your journey.💜
Emma Gatewood This reply is so kind and generous, thank you. I’m still recovering very slowly from this and trying to figure out the best path, but those are all things that have been important for me on the road to getting better, and it’s really affirming & encouraging to get that advice from someone who’s been through that same codependency struggle. (The “finally pursuing interests that I felt I wasn’t allowed to pursue” bit was a gut punch haha. But I’m getting there, slowly.) Peace & healing to you as well. Thanks for providing this guiding light and hope to a stranger. 💕✨
As an abuse victim, I've found myself the "FP" of several people over the years that I feel treated me exactly the way your describing, and its been so harmful for my healing journey from emotional manipulation and abuse. Ngl, this only helps a little with my negative views of people who've treated me this way. Im sorry to everyone w BPD, but please please please get help so you don't hurt the people you care about. I know it isn't fair and y'all can't help it always, but it can be sooooo toxic and BPD isnt an excuse- but a reason. I love you all and wish you the best of luck 💜
I also always have a “thing.” I wonder if that’s a part of it. Do any of y’all relate? For example, for awhile, I was making all kinds of crap out of duct tape. Then I started crocheting stuff for people. Then I took up Yoyoing and got really good at that. They come in spurts but it’s very similar to the favorite person.
@@jorgegordillo791 this sounds exactly like me... different "things" for me like art, graphics, writing, different creative projects... all last a couple months and once im with that favourite person everything is on hold and i hate it. I want to balance. And as i typed the word balance, he said balance in the video. Aiii
I saw this a lot when I was younger especially. Like books series or TV shows, I remember I read Percy Jackson and only Percy Jackson everyday for like 6 months I would read it with no lights on and I wouldn’t move for the whole day not even to eat or use the bathroom. Then there was Avatar the last air bender when it first came on Netflix back in 2013. I would literally only watch that for hours and hours and wouldn’t even move. I was so absorbed in these things I only wanted to watch or experience them. Same with writing or drawing, I was convinced that I was going to make an entire clothing line had everything set up and one day I just didn’t want to anymore. It’s weird being so wholly invested in things and then just not, and not because you don’t want to but like I don’t know for me it’s like I can’t get into it the same for some reason.
@@jadejade9382 I play guitar and crochet, and I've realized in the past couple years that I am autistic and that I use these repetitive, rhythmic actions as stims to keep myself calm and to regulate my emotions. One time I played guitar for so long that I injured my thumb. I can be so absorbed in an activity that I don't realize I'm doing damage. It happened again recently...reinjured my thumb...and now I can't crochet or play guitar. What a nightmare! But it has made me realize how not ok I am in my current living situation, so I am attempting to move out. (Also a nightmare, but the only way out is through.) Funny how things go.
With he said “testing and confirming” I was stunned. My entire life (Like even as a little girl; my parents are both diagnosed narcissists) everyones said “you always have to push the boundaries” or “you are always pushing people’s buttons”. I’m not proud of it but to here it said so plainly gave me goosebumps.
I am with you there, I went from a full-on psycho level 10 obsession over my favorite person, did my research worked on myself and now I am a calm 2 maybe 3 on my worst days haha
@@wesley6442 meditate and simply observe whatever comes up. watch it dissolve and bring it down to a zero. find your true self again. you are not your bpd. plot twist. your true self is the one you are searching from xd.
I was just diagnosed with BPD and I literally refer to my partner of 5 years as “ my favorite person “ my mind is officially blown. Great content. I have got to show my partner this, it explains my behavior so much very enlightening.
thank you so much for this video!! im a recovering borderline and seeing empathetic, yet rational doctors discussing my illness in a respectful way gives me hope that i can succeed in my recovery
@@DrDanielFoxLOVE all your help Dr Fox ! As a partner i have to add though, that it's not just our mood that can change etc so that the person with BPD starts to devalue us. In my case it's simply when i do something that needs to be done but he percieves it as unfair that i can't be there for him at every existing moment. Clingy. It's not that my mood changes. I know you mention the clingyness somewhere. For me as (empath-)partner, i'd love if there were more videos on how their behavior effects their favourite person, bcs he certainly does not believe me, with all the distortion and the mistrust. They feel on a roller coaster but put US on one. They feel like we are an angel and then demon, but that's then how they treat US. Then that constant stonewalling / silent treatment (internalising??) He really really hurts me, and then stonewalls, instead of an apology! Which is abuse. I never know which character i will be met with, and that's very, very destabilising. I have set boundaries. I don't want to give up on him, but then again i just cannot endure this anymore. It's that flipflopping, but i am burning out beyond anything.
I am 67 my brother would have been 68. I now know we were both BDP. I use to say he was either getting mad , getting in trouble or getting hurt . I was anxious and had explosive rage. We both were extreme workaholics. He stayed a binge alcoholic, He dove down 200 feet in a sea cave and came back as fast as possilble - he died of the bends at 51.He choose that. I feel pretty done too. We are both RH negative and co-dependent and this life is hard for us. I studied Mental Health thru Self-will trainging - D. Lowe. It helped. I just was not ever able to be profiecent and my explosibe reation to anxious intensity is still not that manageable so I isolate. Your techniques are a God Send. I am working at them. Thank you so much.
I have BPD and I am Rh negative too. I also severely isolate myself too, I can actually go weeks and weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone at all, going outside only when i need to buy food for my two cats. I am so sorry you lost your brother
An ex showing me this a couple of years ago helped lead me to my diagnosis and now, a year and a half into DBT, significant improvement in my stability and mental health. Thank you.
Thank-you for doing these talks. I had a friend with BPD, who after listening to this I feel I understand so much better. I didn’t understand why they were so clingy and imagined I hated them if I was busy, etc. I truly believe they are a wonderful person, but the way they behaved sometimes was extremely hurtful and difficult to understand. It must be so scary to feel that your stability is so dependent on others. It makes me deeply appreciate how secure I am just by myself.
I never understood people with NPD until I realized I might have BPD. I always wondered why they needed such validation/attention in life and had to rely on others to do so (supply). Now I get it. I need the same except it comes in the form of comfort and emotional regulation. My mother died when I was very young so I'm guessing I didn't develop the necessary skills to do so. Honestly, it really doesn't feel like it can be resolved 😔
I like his not judgmental approach, I’ve seen other professionals talking about BPD or traits, from surrounding people point of view and how hard it’s to live with a person with BPD , when other people usually know how to find their way out if need to... and the real person suffering is the one with BPD
I was someone's favorite person until it took all my strength and I couldn’t handle anymore. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have my own burden to take care and for so long I felt like I should take care of hers too. It was too intense for me. I miss her everyday but I don’t think I can stand by her side anymore. I don’t know if I’m a bad person I just wish I knew how to handle this
it doesn't make you a bad person; the truth is, as someone struggling with these symptoms, we can be inconsolable with an average, untrained person. the best you can do is keep an open mind and have lots of empathy with lots of research. i appreciate the wording of your comment because a lot of people with these experiences immediately jump to "ohhhh those EVIL borderlines wreaking havoc!" of course, mental illness never excuses toxic behavior, but many also fail to realize it *explains* certain behaviors. some people are genuinely shitty, mentally ill or not. but plenty of people, mentally ill or not, aren't bad people, and are capable of getting better with the right resources and motivation. i sympathize with u and you're not obligated to fix anyone.
@@superdoofus i struggle not to be shitty to ppl with my mentall illnesses possibly bpd. and the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone. whatever dumb shit that pops up in my head i try to be calm about it even while my emotions are blowing up like a volcano. breathe meditate observing my thoughts etc. im not gonna let ppl close to me take the brunt of my disease. it is my burdern to deal with and manage and eventually heal. i simply remain as i am and let my thoughts and intense emotions subside.
@@hanagraham7376 there's a link to advance order. I was going to but then got hung up when I forgot my password. I'll go back though when I have the mental stamina to do that. I think it's an Amazon purchase. You'll see a link to his website and then you can click on the pre-order. I'm going to show this channel to my therapist in case it might help some of his clients.
I think there was something important missing from this, which is what's driving the attachment in the first place- there's a lot of positive emotions that make these folks like someone so intensely.
It’s all too easy for someone with BPD to say this. By nature most BPD people are narcissistic and by nature selfish. Perhaps try looking at your narrative again and you might possibly realize that the other person is just loving themselves and not being selfish.
@@burritomaker69 narcissism is something else entirely. We are self-obsessed rather than selfish, we are in fact obsessed by the fact that we are selfless which is a huge part of the problem. Get educated.
Max Power This is so incorrect. People with BPD are not selfish by nature. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. People with BPD are often attracted to people with NPD or have narcissistic relationships/parents(opposite sides of the coin). So what this woman is saying, is most likely correct.
I have experienced all 4 of these relationship types. I recently lost a friend who was my favorite person because of how I treated him. I pushed him away with the constant testing and confirming. I did things that upset him just to see if he still wanted to be my friend. For a while he stood by me, but just a few days ago he told me he can no longer be my support person. I don't blame him. He didn't deserve all the things I put him through. I hurt so badly but I know I need to let go. I need to get healthy so that I can have healthy relationships. I never want to hurt anyone again.
Just wow. My ex and I broke up very quickly because I wanted to spend all my time with him and didn't understand why he didn't feel the same. I knew I should hang out with other people as well and tried to but nothing made me as happy as when I was with my favorite person. This is so well explained. Holy crap lol
I just feel what is love then? I don't want the standard package, I want something deep, intimate, two souls joined together and nothing else matters.. but that is an unrealistic view of love, I feel my version of love is immature. ever the hopeless romantic
I have a longtime friend who is my most continuous "favourite person" and who I used to have a highly distorted relationship with as well as having a habit of developing crushes on people and having them become a temporary FP. I also believe that in my marriage now and in past relationships I constantly do light "testing and confirming" where I'll push a little by being overly aggressive or irritable toward my spouse and confirming subconsciously to myself that he'll allow me to do this and still stick around. This video has been very very helpful! One thing I have learned with my best friend or FP is that in order to avert negative thoughts and paranoia of abandonment I will have him communicate to me why he isn't speaking back and so forth, sometimes he is very depressed himself and he will not want to communicate and it is so helpful for him to just let me know that he isn't feeling well or that he isn't ignoring me on purpose. It also identifies to me though that I have an unhealthy paranoia that I should manage on my own as well.
For years I have been stuck with this pattern without knowing any clue of what bpd was. I just realised it 2 years back. And I'm really great ful for that. I have been working on myself ever since the time I found out. The worst part is I moved away from my favourite person who is my best friend so that she does not have to put up with me anymore. And the best part is Im making things easier for myself and I'm getting attached with people but with boundaries. I have no favourite person as such now. And it's better this way. And the saddest part is throught the journey of this struggle I thought others were toxic, but I realised that I was actually the toxic one. But day by day Im getting better and feeling better. And a huge thanks to this channel! For the enlightenment regarding bpd it was a huge mind opener
I do all of these thing when Im in love with someone or really like someone. However, I act very normal around most of my friends, family. When Im around my "favorite person" I almost get blackout rages, self'sabotage, splitting, intense sadness to the point where I use substances, intense happiness , I have compulsive thoughts about who I am and If Im good or bad, I have body dysmorphia and a lot of self-hatred. Does this sound like borderline? I would say Im quite normal and high functioning when Im not in a relationship or seeing someone. Im not very impulsive..more controlling of my behaviour and I don't really do stupid shit that get's me in trouble.
Yes same. Before I had therapy I would be a totally different person to absolutely everyone but my partner/favourite person. I would be screaming and self harming in front of my favourite person but should someone call me or turn up at my door I would immediately compose myself in an instant and it was dissociative. I'd be totally normal. One day I had spent the day trying to commit suicide over and over, being chased by police, discarded by the county head psychiatrist only to be caught by police again and eventually they took me to a mental hospital under a section. However, when I got there is completely calmed down and changed into a normal person again, so they let me go. Another therapist diagnosed DID while I already had a diagnosis of BPD. I started to think I was NPD or something really evil. Thankfully that is all in the past. I don't dissociate anymore and I've slowly started letting down my mask to others which means I'm the same with everybody to a point
@@KTKaute dude i thought I was the only one that did stuff like that that is so relieving. I genuinely thought I just had bad social anxiety or something but it makes so much more sense now. Thanks for sharing
it's important to remember that everyone can be helped, but it's also important to remember that YOUR health comes first... often times a person with BPD will kill you (not literally, more so from stress, etc) long before you'll ever be able to help them; put yourself first, cut off anyone that's damaging YOUR health whether it's family or a friend.
I was diagnosed with traits of BPD, and every day I fight with this sh*t storm inside my head. It is exhausting... So I can only imagine just how exhausting it must be for my favorite person, and it makes me feel even worse. It's a terrible cycle, and I hate it.
Within the first few minutes of listening I started balling my eyes out. It's scary, and sad to come to the realization that your a lot worse off than you initially thought you were. And that all the things that you thought made you....you turned out to be just a the keylist of symptoms. Making the key contributing factor to your personality a psychological diagnoses. That's what I feel I am. Not a unique individual but a victim of mental health circumstance. I'm now wondering if im gonna be ok. I could really use some advice on how to addicts??deal with the fact that my favorite person and I are both addicts and I have BPD and a psycho somatic facial twitch on top of it. If you could do a video on those kinds of things bbn I'd appreciate it. Thanks
I've recently been diagnosed with BPD and this makes so much sense. My favorite person is my ex girlfriend. We were best friends before we dated and when we were together, it was the most healthy and wholesome experience I've had. No toxicity, no episodes or jealousy, just happiness. It ended abruptly when she lost those feelings and I think when it all came to end is when my BPD really really came out. I've become completely dependent on her and the idea of her being with someone else is soul crushing and I've found myself anticipating and waiting for it, putting me in a constant state of anxiety. This is my best friend and I'm tired of exposing her to my episodes and making her deal with my anxiety and jealousy. I just wanna be the friend I was before we dated.
I deal with the same anxieties but with my husband!lol i worry that im doing something wrong everyday and hes bottling up and will just leave me one day. I had an episode yesterday and ruined a good moment (he didnt make it any better either) but its been rough. Alot of feelings of worthlessness at the moment. But maybe if we try cultivating relationships with others could help in the long run?i have anxieties with friendships too though :/ hang in there!
@@btorres3875 Thankfully her and I are no longer friends or in each other’s lives. I basically forced her into lying for months about a relationship she was in. I was so scared of her dating someone else that she got terrified of telling me she was dating someone. I found out and it was downhill from there, we tried being friends but we hated each other by the end of it. I love her a lot and I hate what i’ve become from a dumb breakup. I’m glad she’s away from me though. Remember that these blind episodes of jealousy or anxiety actually effect others. When I had an episode I knew i was hurting her and in the wrong but all forms of self control left me. Like an itch you can’t scratch, until you blow up. I hope you’re doing okay, remember you aren’t dumb for thinking these things, you just care a lot. Try forming other friendships or invest more time in yourself and in your hobbies. BPD to me is insecurity and the inability to love yourself or accept yourself too, so you become extremely involved in someone else’s life to the point where you’re dependent on them.
@@bfhtom I'm going through what you explained originally, from your side. It's rough. :/ I'm just figuring this stuff out, after trying to hang myself when somebody said they were leaving. Even I would never expect such a chemical reaction from me. I'm a quiet person who's always given too much heart in my eyes. But I came to depend on somebody and they pulled away. I felt in shock, I went crazy. o.o surprised somebody can relate. And I continued to push them away out of embarrassment, just instictually, and emotional fragility. I'm glad you got out of that relationship bud.
@@raaaaaaarr it’s been around two years since we broke up and i still find myself thinking about it every day, it didn’t help that we stayed friends for so long. Around the time I wrote my original comment we had stopped talking for the final time. We’d get into huge fights and stop being friends for a month or so and then end up missing each other. I no longer have romantic feelings for this person, I think i just miss being happy and normal. She texted for the first time since march the other day, and for the first time ever, I didn’t reply. I’m not going to. it’s a vicious cycle and i’m glad you could relate a little bit to my story. Please be safe
I cried at 11:10 when he said we can do it. I’ve been trying to get over a breakup with my FP for over a month now and have been having more than 8 episodes a day, just crying constantly thinking about them. When it gets this bad it’s really easy to lose hope and feel like you’re stuck in that hole for good and you’ll never be able to find your way out of it. From now on when I feel like texting my FP I’ll watch this video. You have given me the courage to not give up on myself or my goal of finally taking control of my BPD and emotions. Thank you so much.
Oh my... I think I'm someone's favorite person... I've known the person for so long but over the years I've noticed something off. I'm usually always supportive of him, and am too patient to confront anything harmless so I usually don't react when I probably should. Just recently we got into a blow out because I think he put me through one of these "tests", the whole situation seemed really wrong and manipulative, I went from feeling scared to angry (rightfully so) to suddenly feeling like I was the one who did something wrong but I put my foot down and currently we're not on speaking terms. I know it won't last forever and our friendship will be back to normal in time, but this all really makes alot of sense as to what's going on with him. I genuinely enjoy talking with him, when he's in his good moments, but I hate when I'm put in therapist mode. He gets pretty pissy and emotionally manipulative if I'm not there for him or reacting in a way he wants me to.
Not many people are saying this, but if it keeps affecting your mental health like youve described RUN. LEAVE. If you're not able to set a healthy dynamic and boundaries, you need to GET OUT of there asap!!!
@@calebwilson3817 we live in 2 different states and I know when he's acting up and being weird, I distance myself and talk to him less when gets like this.. The thing is he's always been somewhat compulsive with lying and that's usually what I ignore, it doesn't effect me personally. We both have our own mental health issues mine is anxiety and depression that I'm getting professional help for and his.... well he's never actually told me his diagnosis other than how depressed he gets. I've always urged him to seek professional help when he gets to his low points. One day he started casually mentioning he goes to therapy and takes meds. I'm starting to think this is another one of his lies but I have no proof. He just doesn't seem at all like he's getting help. My mother is a therapist and she told me it sounds like he has bpd so I've been looking into it and yeah it really sounds exactly like him. No worries though I've always taken note of how people act and am very aware when they're being passive or manipulative. And I definitely notice it with him every time. Its just this "test" was really out there like nothing he's ever done before. And he got mad I didn't dedicate my whole day to bugging him about it. When I confronted him on how messed up and manipulative what he had done was he blew up. He can not stand to be confronted or called out. We're not talking currently, and I don't think I could ever hate him, but it's definitely going to cause more distance because his actions are getting straight up toxic.
I appreciate your videos so much. It is truly helping me understand the emotions that I feel instead of just thinking I'm plain out crazy. My issue I am having is that I have been with my significant other for 11 years now which is amazing in itself. But I am trying to educate him on bpd so that he may understand why sometimes I am the way I am. And to teach both of us ways to help me learn to do better. But as he keeps watching videos on bpd he just hears negative and how much work it is. He never heard anything good about people with bpd. He has said all he has learned is to not be in a relationship with someone with bpd. How someone suffering from bpd is selfish and has no empathy. I really wish I could find a video that talks about the positive love and positive things that someone suffering from this disorder can have also. Bpd does not make me selfish or heartless or hateful. I am who I am.. I wish somewhere I could find it talk about something positive.
Malynn, there are incredible positive things from BPD. The emotional highs, the level of devotion you can give, the incredible ability of being able to read the room, your observational skills, how much compassion you're fully capable of especially when you can articulate it, and even the level of accurate prediction you have about those you're close to are all impressive. Leave it to a NT(neural typical) to overlook these skills (they are skills, they only get better with work)
All my life I have had a favorite person and very intense relationships that ended in tears when I felt the person had betrayed or let me down. I went from absolute devotion and admiration to intense dislike and never speaking to them again. Its a pattern. My current special person has bpd traits and I started watching because of him. I now think my introversión has masked my own bpd all my life. This explains everything. :/
Thank you for doing this video; it helps me understand where my ex-wife was coming from (she has since been diagnosed with BPD) and to make sense of some of the emotional abuse I went through when she was at her worst. Obviously it's too late now to save the marriage (that ended years ago), but having a healthy way to look back on and understand what was going on is very theraputic for me today. Keep up the great work!
Transitional object? Staffordshire Bull terrier! Having a dog helps sooth and calm, provides company and exercise and reduces the emotional intensity as above placed on friends making life easier for me and them. Important really adopt/buy a dog that breed suits you and your lifestyle. Maybe you don't want a dog so perhaps a cat or rabbit?! You want to be chill so not a terrier you want to be zen so a zen dog go with characteristics you admire, colour you like and the sex you feel comfortable with. My rescue dog Skylar has really helped me. I also wanted a dog that had suffered and would appreciate a good home and she really does. I wanted to rescue as I have wanted to be rescued in the past. Such an easy uncomplicated relationship. No misunderstandings or conflict!
This too is no long-term solution. My stalkers murdered my cat six months ago and I will never be ok. He is an extremely rare breed and was my best friend for nine years. I cannot replace him and cannot live a normal life. He IS my favorite person
I want to cry... he has just described me. I want to cry because someone has finally put words to how I feel. This has been my life for so many years and I can't believe it's actually a real thing. I genuinely thought I was going mad.
It feels so good to hear someone explain to me exactly how I’m feeling I feel like I am finally understood and finally can find positive ways to become better Thankyou you are literally a life saver
Wow. This is my relationship with my spouse. I have never heard it explained like this before. Our relationship is very much a rollercoaster... I am seeking therapy for this. I also purchased your workbook online. Thank you for being there and making these videos!!
Wow. The distorted others are my biggest problem and I had no idea that this phenomenon had a name and that it wasn't just me doing this. It's caused a lot of near-breakups because I always saw so many people around me who were "just what I needed in life" and my boyfriend was "all bad" for not living up to my expectations of absolute bliss. But I often didn't know these people who would, in my head, be "everything I have been looking for" and of course the attributes I gave them were completely made up by me. This information has literally left me speechless. Thank you SO SO much for explaining this to me! It has literally changed my approach to people in general. And to my partner - I see how he ticks many boxes for me and my needs and that no person in this world could possibly tick EVERY box for anyone. Please keep up this amazing educational channel and your work!
My favourite person was someone who just wanted me for sex, and than telling me lots of other shits and blaming me for everything while he was dating other girl, and than he just through me like a piss of shit.
My siblings and I always talk, semi-jokingly in a dark humor kind of way, about which one of us + our father was our mom's "favorite" at any given time during the period that we siblings all still lived with our parents as kids and young adults before moving out. The reason it was dark humor was that it was always the worst to be what we called "in Mom's favor" or being "her favorite", because it meant you were under constant scrutiny, Mom wanted and demanded 24/7 perfection toward her, and the moment she felt you had a less than perfect response, you fell from favor and hit bottom pretty hard, which was bad because then she would become abusive, or more so than usual. There was no way to control not being her favorite except to stay out of sight and out of mind as much as possible, so we would all slink around as kids trying -usually futilely - to avoid her notice. One of many rough things about being the child of a borderline, undiagnosed, untreated, and out of control by anybody. I'm pretty sure she has borderline, but she got diagnosed with bipolar recently and is fairly proud of it. I figure she either has bipolar comorbidly or the therapist was one of many who doesn't have much experience with borderline and misdiagnosed it as bipolar. Plus bipolar is supposedly not as much in your control, whereas borderline has a lot to do with your own responses and therefore has more stigma since it's considered more under your control. Or at least that's my guess.
Holy wow. I clicked this because my family's covert narc, (a lovely fellow who just wants to take up residence and not get a job... Uhh... )He just showed up on my doorstep and said i was his "favorite person" and im so glad ive been listening to you dr.s all year. The first words that flew out of my mouth were "i have no intention of being your favorite person." Boundary stated.
My fav person was a sister, the only family member growing up that let me sleep with her when I was scared at night starting at a very young age. She decided to ghost me with no explanation other than cutting me down. I was devastated. It seems like she un-loved me. I dont understand
Hi Dr. fox, I don't know if you'll ever see this comment, but i want you to know youve made such a huge difference in my life, understanding my diagnosis, understanding my trauma and most of all myself. You've helped me explain to my loved ones this complicated and often debilitating disorder, how we can work on it together, and how come i am the way i am. In my darkest of moments and through the loss of 3 fps, you have been one of the biggest comforts i can ever return to, thank you for treating us with so much love, respect and understanding. We need more doctors, and people like you.
I was diagnosed with BPD last september after fighting anorexia, depression and anxiety and have literally just been left with my diagnosis with no help and it has been horrific, absolutely horrific. With not being able to afford private and lockdown from Covid making things worse I've been looking at what I can do to help myself but haven't came across anyone/anything that I've believed could help me. Then I came across your book on Amazon and thought I'd watch a view videos to see if I could connect and well, book has been ordered. Thank you.
Oh my word, this explains so much of my "hero the one day, I hate you the next day" that I have been feeling towards some people in my life. It's as if I was obsessed with constantly trying to connect with the particular person and feeling wonderful or hurt and abandoned, depending on their response to me. It really is like an addiction. You hate it, but can't tear yourself away. I never understood why. This is going to help me so much, thank you doctor.
I don’t encourage you to explore this and see what are some of those issues of tendencies that tend to make it difficult to connect to others and foster healthy relationships. I wish you all the best.
I’ve recently had a realization talking to a close friend, that I tend to absorb my partners energy. It’s natural, I just naturally merge with the other. My heart WANTS to merge. Maybe it’s the BPD talking, but my love fantasy consists of having energies merged and one day...maybe one day it’ll be exactly the way my heart yearns for
My BPD-partner did that i the symbiosis phase, before devaluing me. I felt like my whole energy got sucked out of me! He was an energy-vampire. I was so exhausted so i needed to distance. Pls consider the persons energy before you give in to that urge to merge! ❤
I’m undiagnosed but I experience the rollercoaster a lot as well as the testing and confirming. I’ve been this way for years. I constantly ruin relationships because I become too attached to people but as soon as they say something that I perceive to be hatred towards me I begin to turn on them, I begin to convince myself I don’t need them. It’s so stressful that i don’t want to make friends. there’s times where I perceive someone to hate me and I begin to really hate them which then makes me hate everyone and then they can literally walk up to me and say something nice about me and suddenly I like them again.
Thank you so much for this video. My FP is the one major aspect that I am not making improvements on and this has given me hope that I will be able to overcome this aspect of my BPD.
Dr. Fox, I appreciate the work you do. I was diagnosed with BPD after a 5150 in my early twenties and spent years struggling with it until I found a therapist. I've made huge improvements but I still fail. I still mess up and push people away. But I'm resilient and keep trying, I keep taking accountability and putting in the work. Daily. Ive been intentionally single for nearly 6 years now. I've begun dating again and it feels like all the hard work I've done is gone. I've been so dysregulated. So I started researching again and found your video. I'm looking into ways to understand my painful emotions about dating. I'm validating myself and being there for my emotions. But I wish the pain would stop and it never really does.
After 3 years of therapy non stop twice a week I officially dont have borderline!! I dont meet any of the 9 criteria for Borderline anymore and I want to shout it from rooftops!! I was so scared that this was gonna be my life forever but it is possible to get well
wow! good job!!
Im so proud of you! My best friend has BPD and I'm browsing everywhere to know how I can best help her. Its 5 a.m in the morning, I have been up all night
Awesome to hear, could you give insight on what kind of therapy was implenmented?
I wish I could do that: congratulations
Can I ask what types of therapy you did and how? I have had it my whole life and done more than 3 years of therapy.
I'm stunned. Just stunned. It's so surreal to hear someone calmly explain my life's story to me. I even use that exact term: "You're my favorite person."
BelleFlower15 hahaha. Nicely put.:)
Ikr🤦🏾♀️
I have used that phrase too. In my head and out loud. Lol
i have been unconsciously making different people my fp for years and years now and i NEVER knew there was a name for it until looking deeper into the bpd community after my diagnosis! this has helped me so much! i thought i was just really clingy!
I honestly thought this was a normal thing that everyone went through. I dont even refer to them as my favorite person, I refer to them as just my favorite implying that i love them more than any other thing on earth.
it’s so exhausting to live with this disorder. it’s so embarrassing how obsessed i get with one person and i always push them away with my paranoid delusions and intense emotions. no matter how self aware i an my emotions get the best of me and i fuck it all up
Agreed. It's honestly really tiresome…
Fire is hot
This is so eye opening. For me, if i dont have a favorite person i feel very lonely no matter how many friends i have. Hopefully i can be my own favorite person one day
Same :/
This is the fucking truth
the road to self empowerment is a hard one :(
that's a really good suggestion and solution to the issue to be fair, becoming your own favourite person will take a lot of commitment and dedication to achieve, but it really is vital. Become the star of your own movie, you are the most important person in your life at the end of the day, its so easy to get caught up in living to serve other people and other things, but when it comes down to it, its really your life to live and love.
I feel that but I never have friends
I don't like being around people that much and I usually isolate myself as much as possible, but as soon as I make a connection with someone They become my favorite person and I can't stand being alone for even just a minute.
Jai Nunez it’s a very push-pull sensation that is common in BPD. Awareness is an important factor and can be the first step to doing it differently. I wish you well.
I used to be this way.
This DOES improve. I promise!
Rebecca J how does it improve?
Jai Nunez this is me 😭
@@Aya-fk5tz I think after putting yourself through enough torment and pushing so many ppl away and embarrassing yourself and feeling devastated and alone enough, eventually we learn healthier behaviours. There's only so much crash and burn a person can take before we recognize a pattern and start taking steps to change it.
The deadly combo: a BPD and their favorite person is an NPD...
😔 right on...
what is npd?
@@annepanneflanne narcissistic personality disorder
my FP isn't someone with NPD but i have a close friend that has it and they are really cool and an advocate for mental health. unfortunately they can be quite mean sometimes.
that happened to me.... and it really is deadly ;___; (i had an fp for 10 years with npd)
Having a favorite person that isn’t your partner makes having a partner impossible.
I am struggling with this fact ... :( and I am stunned how many pple including my friends can do it :( ......
Christina Alt I didn’t say you didn’t 🙃
So have most partners been their FP before then?
And: Do FPs ever just suddently stop from the BPD-side?
Got to know someone with BPD the other day, I think i might be their FP yet. I'd really appreciate any sort of advice, so i can better respond to her needs.
I'm a really calm guy that always wants to solve problems.. sooo I actually got hope this might work.
Best regards from Germany, keep your heads up
im fucking struggeling with this
I don’t understand this comment?
I have been hurting my beautiful, perfect boyfriend with my crazy behaviour, just because he's my favourite person, and I'm borderline. It all makes so much sense now. Thank you.
I was a boy freind, and dang I wish I knew this stuff when I was with her. I felt I was hurting her to the point where I couldn’t make sense of what was happening at all (she disqualified her self internally I eventually figured out but I had never run into that before, like even when i asked specifically for her feelings and thoughts.
How u know difference between JUST Favorite person and love???
Well do the world a favor and never date anyone else
Shaun Patterson you can do the same nobody wants your negativity
Jazzy yeah no problem
Having a romantic relationship with my favorite person is both amazing and killing. When things are good, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. When something’s wrong or he triggers me, i’d rather die than deal with the pain it gives me.
Exactly!
Are borderline folks often avoidant?
When they leave you it's excruciating
I am in the same boat ❤❤️🔥💔❤️🩹💔❤️🔥❤️ i wish I was a regular person with regular emotions… 😪
Can you please list the behaviours that trigger you
I’m so obsessed with my boyfriend. This is all so true, so me. I have all these issues with him. It makes me want to break up with him so he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore, but I’m so attached to him. I wouldn’t wish BPD on my worst enemy.
Aww, sweetie. You're enough and you're not a burden. Try to distract yourself with charitable activities or artwork or something like that.
lol i'm in the same boat
same, such an awful feeling, i don't know how to manage this
I have BPD and I would wish worse on people that I hate.
@@Duke_Scanlan lmao that's the spirit
Its hard when your favourite person is actually a legit toxic person to you and your mental health too honestly. I've experienced this in the past and it has made me even worse.
Im going through this right now and yeah its fucking the worst.
Same, friends
How do y’all get over that shit. I can relate
maui wowi J.M.A.R just keep swimming. Things get better eventually
I can relate to this so much. I‘ve had feelings for a narcisstic man since more than 2 years. I know that he will never be able to love me like I do but those feelings I get when we chat are like a drug to me and make me feel better instantly. When I don‘t connect to him anymore I feel empty and lonely. If I loose contact to him I automatically search for distraction, another person which can be my drug. It is so bad. I wish so hard I could just live by myself without nobody because I get hurt all the time by my high expectations and neediness but I can not do it because then I feel alone again. I feel so trapped.
Ive dated a girl with BPD. My heart goes to her. It really tore me apart when i had to break up with her. But she was drowning me with herself. Some might think its selfish what i did, but i had to save myself.
I had to end friendship with my best friend for this reason too, I felt absolutely awful but I was drowning as well
It's so sad to see how many of those who were in friendships or relationships with pwBPD actually loved them deeply. Your mind tries to convince you that they don't care and that you're bad and blablabla but often times it's not you that that person is trying to leave, it's your disorder.
As a borderline personality I say your decision is right
These videos are so encouraging and refreshing. It's so nice to be able to watch videos about my disorder without feeling demonized and being able to feel like someone really understands and is supportive. Wish that I could find a doctor as understanding and helpful as these videos are.
I TOTALLY agree w u!!!
💯 I’m so sad he doesn’t practice in my state.
Me too. He's welcome in Western Australia anytime.
The most positive snd intuitive therapist ever x
Erin Mullen was
Erin Mullen most doctors avoid borderlines as they tend to be toxic
All this time I thought I had a crush on someone but it turns out they're my "favourite person" as you call it. It really explains a lot. I've always known my attachment to them was unhealthy but I didn't know there was a name for it
python java aghhh me too
python java me too tbh
python java agh I have always thought I was gay or bisexual bc of this and then after this I realized it’s just cuz they’re my favorite people lol
yea same.
Unfortunately, ...same.
im here 5 years later to take a minute to tell yall, it is possible to have a healthy fp relationship, it just takes time, so glad to hear a dr talk about fp’s, not everybody knows about them in the medical field to be honest
Thank you
Hey Teesh, how was this possible for you? I’m an FP and my GF of 7 years called a break to our relationship this week, we are speaking again on Friday (if she feels up to it), I want to tell her that she’s loved and brave for making this decision and that we both need to be apart to work on ourselves, but I will always be there as support.
Dear @@DrDanielFox Please make a video about BPD favourite person and energy vampire... for a lack of better word.
My BPD-partner did that in the symbiosis phase, before devaluing me. I felt like my whole energy got sucked out of me! He was an energy-vampire. I was so exhausted so i needed to distance.
And, one video on how to handle the stonewalling by them after they've really hurt the partner. Thank you! ❤
Thanks, my wife has BPD and I have not been able to handle it properly. Our life has been an absolute whirlwind. She met me maybe a week after my mom died I was living in a sober house after years of heroin and meth addiction, we were pregnant within 3 months during which was more arguing than I’ve ever experienced. I relapsed went back to treatment and then sober house and moved I together as our daughter was born. She already had two kids from previous marriage. We continued our relationship meanwhile we were both finding things out the other did while I was getting treatment, so the arguments continued. Somewhere started a small business out of a pop up tent that grew into a food truck. We had our second child together for a total of four. Maybe had one “decentish” year. Now we are expecting our fifth child in October, and things are really coming to a head and getting even harder all still running a successful business together trying to raise four kids with a fifth on the way. She claims I have NPD.. I disagree do I have begun therapy. She hasn’t done any sort of therapy since the beginning of our relationship when she was diagnosed. I haven’t been able to grasp how to help her through things and I continue to trigger her. In my mind my existence is her trigger, but I also get more upset/angry than I should when she is triggered. We both say horrible things to each other. She get violent, I accuse her of things she probably isn’t doing but has in the past. And I just want it all to stop but I don’t believe splitting is the right decision. She says she is going to get therapy again but I have yet to see it…..I’m scared for our family. I understand she doesn’t mean the horrible things she says but I can’t hold back a reaction because they are so personal and persistent.
This is definitely me!! I cling to a man I really dig on and he will be the center of my universe. If I don’t hear from him I will be inconsolable!!!!! If he does interact with me I will be happy for a while, but sometimes I will need more from him and start to despair if he isn’t giving it to me or seems to lose interest. It’s absolutely terrible.
Read books on co-dependency
Banana Fanafoferry invest in you and be your own roller coaster! Less emotionally exhausting.
@Banana Fanafoferry I know exactly how you feel as I can be the same, I actively avoid any kind of romantic relationship or even potential situations to stop myself getting into the same position as you describe. It is awful isn't it. I sincerely hope you are well and happy :)
Marina Phillips
Would you say along with craving constant attention and validation, do you seek drama in your relationships to give you that rollercoaster of emotions?
@@VoiceOfThe I'm not a doctor and I wont pretend to be but isnt that more like what narcissists do? Wreak havoc for the sake of wreaking havoc.
This video scares me. I don't want to talk to my therapist about BPD because it sounds like I have it. Doing research on the subject makes me angry, sad, and sometimes I will just laugh because I dont know how to express my emotions. I'm in pain all the time and default to very negative thinking about myself and others. I just want it to go away and feel normal whatever that may be.
You are not alone 💕
Don't worry! It's also possible to have traits, without having the full disorder, which is significantly easier to work with. Also just as extra info for when you feel like you can speak with your psychologist, BDP in adult women is frequently misdiagnosed as Autistic, so be aware of that trap.
im here going thru the same thing with u
BPD isn't that rough, honestly. Recognizing that you have it and are responsible for it really helps you. Denial doesn't. GL ;u;
Omg I feel this so much! You arent alone! I feel your pain. But I think the first place to start is to discuss with your therapist and not be afraid and dont expect them to not be receptive because 9 out of ten they will work with you. Give it a chance. Even if your current one wont trust there will be one who will I promise and much love because I feel even now everything you are feeling rn. You'll be okay ❤💯
I’ve been “the favorite person” I think on a couple different occasions with people who I’ve suspected have borderline or who do have borderline. It’s traumatized me, over and over again. The guilt for feeling like I made them reliant on me for stability, the guilt for not being able to possibly give enough of myself to them, the resentment that grows due to the constant emotional abuse (and they can always tell if there’s even a hint resentment), it’s just a lot for one person to hold.
I no longer will let anyone get dependent on me or see me as some sort of savior, I’ve learned to draw clear boundaries from the get go because it’s so much harder to draw them when you’re already in deep with someone who’s made you their Favorite Person. I’ve lost compassion for people with borderline due to years of emotional abuse but it’s helpful for me to recognize where I realistically went wrong with certain people and to understand that their mindset is coming from a very traumatized and insecure place. That doesn’t excuse abusive behaviors but it does help me not be so angry. The bottom line is I’ve grown and learned that even though it gives me a sense of happiness to help someone who’s struggling/to be idolized by someone (narcissistic of me), it isn’t worth it and is so damaging for everyone involved.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
Interesting how ignored this comment is, but I just thought the same thing! I feel terrible, but until I've healed from my own trauma and handle my ADHD (and rejection sensitivity from that) i dont feel comfortable allowing people who may treat me as their "FP" close anore. Ive had repeated patterns of friendships that felt like i was their "everything" and only "real friend" and its jaded me over 20 years. I'm so sorry you've also experienced this and I hope you've been able to heal 💛
I've been in the same boat with an ex. It's awful.
It kinda feels like that’s how my current relationship is and it’s very draining. I’m simultaneously the best and worst at so many things it feels like and I can never give him enough attention. We are starting couples therapy but I’m not even sure what to say at this point. I’m out of energy, and while I love him, everyone in our lives comments on how unpredictable and intense his emotions are. Additionally his desire to have all of my time distorts his perception of how much time I give him and it’s exhausting. I also like to hang out with other friends of mine alone just to catch up and he has always felt that was weird and didn’t get why he couldn’t come along and says it makes him think they hate him and I’m like that’s not how people work…. Sorry for venting on your comment just it seemed very relatable to me
Way to make it all about you
when he said “treatment types that were gonna talk about” i felt so relieved lmaooookokok
It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this. It hurts so much when they're gone but I'm invincible when they're around.
It really is a drug, a painkiller. When this person is around I feel no pain and am so confident and happy and social. When they are gone, I am a no one a leaf floating in the wind no one notices or cares about.. I have gotten better lately but I definitely have days where I feel non existent without them
Woah I thought I was just disgustingly codependent. Luckily I've made steps on my own two try to combat these feelings. Im not diagnosed with BPD but knowing this is a concept is very comforting
WOW! I just stumbled on this video..THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for posting this information. This is the FIRST time I've ever seen or heard of a professional in the therapeutic community addressing the issues surrounding the concept of "Favorite Person." Most therapists dismiss this issue and lump it in with other symptoms of the disorder. The fact that you validate this, as something "real," is huge. Not only do you present a valid picture of what having a "favorite person" is like, you give tools to manage it as well. Thank you very very much.
Word! Absolutely amazing and so validating after so many years of feeling "alone" with the issue even in therapeutic environments.
Look up “The Mighty “ group. Lots to offer in many areas. Real people stories and professional advice. I’ve learned so much from that one source.
Completely agree, it is exactly how it works and had not heard the FP angle until here. Should be fundamental knowledge.
I have suffered from this and have seen others suffer from it. I can reason that this condition is co-morbid with obsessions with celebrities, and stalker syndrome. Also, the sufferer can smother and exhaust the favourite person to the point of making them leave.
In life you are a hurtful person so i dont interact with you i use mail. But actually i dont want to intetact with anybody i dont see and meet in person normally, so its broken ofg
Wow. This has helped me understand my lady a little better. She has been diagnosed with BPD and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. We have been together almost 4 yrs now and it is hard to understand someone like that with no idea what to do/say. Thanx Dr. Fox for this info.
Youre a good man for trying to understand
@@cheyennearchambeault2867 to be 100% honest, I had almost gave up a few times, but when you love/care about someone like that, it's a small price to pay to be able to help them and get the love bk in return (the right way). If you are struggling with BPD, I will pray for you. Have a great day... 🤗
@@brucewhite9657 i get it. My bf was a heroin addict
I spent 4 years trying to show him what potential he had and now hes sober and a great father.
@@cheyennearchambeault2867 That's so awesome!!!🤘🤘 Good thing you never gave up!! Now your child (ren) will grow up with a dad that's not controlled by other things. My hat is off to you!! 👏 I know it takes a lot to put up with that, but congrats!! 🤗🤗
Thank you for your comment it's appreciated and needed
I could not stop laughing towards the end when he’s talking so calmly and logically about something so intense I’ve struggled with a lot of my life. Partly laughing bc I’m like HE UNDERSTANDS how emotionally extreme it feels, I finally feel understood
Oh my god... I haven’t found someone yet who has perfectly described what I go through daily. I’ve always felt crazy or hyper sensitive or
Just abnormal. This video could seriously change my life. Thank you.
detroit nelson wow what an eloquent speaker you are...
Hi love ❤️
I cried while watching this. I've never felt so understood. Thank you xx
Like I'm crying right now watching him and reading these comments :(
Same here. I am breaking down so bad. I feel understood finally.
me too!
I came here because my current favorite person hasn’t responded to my message in a day. And I’m in a better place, so I’m trying my best not to spiral (as I normally would) or do things to try and catch his attention. It is really nice to hear that I’m not the only one who gets so affected by this and that there are terms and treatment for the things that I have gone through with people that I decided to set my focus on. I’m trying to learn how to stop idealizing people and to interact with them like they’re human. This is really helpful. Thank you.
It's been 2 years, but did he eventually reach out?
You're in a better place? You died?
Did it feel conforming to anyone else for him to talk to you like you're a small child? So kind. Thank you
Weird One . I noticed that , too and love it !
do you mean comforting?
I believe what you’ve described is something called “arrested development” People with BPD are “stuck” in the past not usually by choice but because, our needs weren’t met as children (trauma also) and we failed to grow. The ones who were supposed to show us how to grow did not - they did not know or were not there. We are adults on the outside but on the inside we are still a child.
Not exactly, but I see how you mean that indeed. And yes it gets through when its logical and kind.
@@flexibledreamer7846 Well said.
Oy, this explains a lot ...
weird thing is, he does not say that they are all basically your mother. that you are projecting your mother onto people, and need them to play the part.
I was the fav person. He pushed me out with testing and abuse. He told me if you want what's best for me it isn't this. I took that to heart. I want what's best for him. Strangely after I left he wants my presence. Well no thanks. I'm not a doll to grab and throw away. I'm now thinking about what's best for me for once.
He used phrases like "you're my best friend" then tried to break up a day later.
"light in my life" "answered prayer" "favorite" "sweetest thing that ever happened to me" "gem" "Queen"
My GF left me for her "favorite person." It's funny how I had no clue what it meant when she first started talking about that person. Had I known it was this much of a connection, I would've ran and saved myself the sadness.
Someone I really like has a favorite person, I'm running for my life😭
@@thatomofokeng4326 you lost bro. Give up unless they said it theirselves that they are trying to heal themselves
@@thatomofokeng4326 sounds like she maybe be ur favorite person too -_- oof!
@@jeffreyquinonez8964 am honestly not disagreeing with you but I was not like this with people before I met her so In one way or another I'll run for my life and get myself back
What a nice man.
Your new favorite person?? smh🤔
@@floydmaclin8681 lol
Loool
My entire life, my mom has been my “favorite person”. Probably due to the fact that she was the person who comforted me and made me feel safe. She was the one who started working on learning to help me through my break downs and irrational thoughts. When I was 12, my first therapist told us she definitely was seeing possible signs of borderline. So my mom bought a bunch of books about the disorder, and began her research. I’m 18 now, and she still gets new books on it to this day. She has definitely done things that absolutely destroyed me, but it was always unintentional. She’s genuinely sorry, and still trying to help me. I’m seeing a DBT therapist and working on EMDR therapy, my parents are also seeing a therapist with experience in DBT so they can get an understanding of me and my disorder.
You have a love hate relationship with your mom?
My mom was my favourite person too, she died last year and it was soul crushing, I’m learning to live my life without her and without a favourite person, I’m doing well
@@jenbodhi1133 I’m so sorry for your loss!! I’m glad you’re doing alright
@@arandomcatheehee thank you! ❤️
i’ve had the “favorite person” thing for literally my entire life... it was so abnormal i never knew it could have ever been understood. i’m so glad this video exists
I was so apprehensive of clicking on this because of the horrible stigmatizing videos on UA-cam about BPD but you did such an amazing compassionate job and thank you so so much
Imagine being a parent of someone w BPD. Fingers always pointed at the parents.
Stomp the Dragon Makes sense given that bpd often comes from childhood trauma and abuse by caregivers...
@BB80Delta Not all people with bpd are abusers. It kind of seems like you're the one who needs to get a grip if you're so quick to overgeneralize.
This hits different when you were someone's "favorite person" for the first eighteen years of your life
I’m glad it’s helpful.
@@DrDanielFox Just got the DBT Therapy and BPD workbooks! Thank you 🙏🏼
Wow. I have done this. I noticed I didn't do this when I got my dog. It's felt like I didn't need anyone else but her. Kept me grounded, stable, loved and understood. Cause I knew no matter what, she will always love me. Made me feel safe and when we were out focus was mainly on her not me. I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for her.
Lao Coste yes. So true...
Me too.
I was someone’s favorite person not too long ago, i think, and it messed me up badly. Pretty much half of my high school years were taken up by this constant tension and worry about her.
She asked for so much time and attention and affirmation from me that i felt like i was suffocating. I’m not a very social person, but i felt like i had to be constantly available to her. I honestly feel like i have to thank the pandemic for giving me an excuse to distance myself and eventually formally cut off all contact.
I hate what i did to her. She didn’t deserve it at all. My friends and partner hate her because of how it all affected me and took me away from them, but i don’t blame this girl at all. I think she really was trying her best to be better, to give me space, to give back to me what i gave to her, but i just couldn’t do it.
Though i know it’s much more complex, i can’t help but think I was the “bad guy” in the relationship. I promised more of myself to her than i could ever feasibly give, and then i became bitter towards her like it was her fault.
Cutting her out of my life was supposed to be like ripping off a bandaid, but it felt more like mercy killing a wounded animal. At least i hope it was mercy.
Was i wrong? I have no idea if she’s okay or not now, but if she’s not, is it my fault?
It used to be that when i met someone new, i was an open book and unafraid to be emotionally honest, but now when things get too serious i pull back and shut down. I want to go back to the way i was before, but I’m so scared of getting trapped in a relationship like that again…
My ex of 8 years could have written this.
On behalf of women with struggles like me I am so sorry for all you went through. You can make different choices next time. The real thing is to rebuild your confidence by being in similar situations (not a toxic relationship, but dating) and making better choices to prove to yourself that you can.
You are not wrong, dear. Trust me. As someone with Borderline, it takes years and years of self awareness and work to gain emotional stability. That's something WE have to cultivate that nobody can give to us. I know you feel responsible but you're not. The way our minds work is not your fault or mission to fix. Some things are just really difficult for pwBPD to understand that make immediate sense to other people. It's like speaking a different language that most people simply can't understand. But instead of trying to force people to speak our language, we (pwBPD) should try to learn theirs. You clearly have so much compassion for your ex, and I can respect that. But you are a person with your own wants, needs, boundaries and dreams. When a pwBPD has a favorite person, they find this hard to understand. Do not put yourself back into that situation. I hope you're doing well these days and that you have begun to heal.
@@BrideofJesuChristo2 but I'm emotionally scarred and keep telling myself I nvr wna date again..
@@rebeccaflutters5179 yeah. Op, you did ntg wrong & neither did she... You had to put yourself first n so that you did.
My daughter just had 2 best friends say they didn't wanna be her friends anymore. She was so crushed! I know she can be difficult, but she'll latch on to someone and I'm sure it can be stifling. I'm her mom, and I'll always be her Solid. I'll never give up on her.
Wow. You just completely summed up my relationship with my beloved BPD daughter. I didn’t know there was an actual name for it, but I see now that I am indeed her “favorite person” of the roller coaster type. I do everything I can to love and support my daughter, and this video is invaluable in my effort to help both of us. Thank you from the bottom of this mother’s heart.
I am so glad it's helpful.
I didnt realise this was a thing until now. But my mother was my Favorite Person. She passed away and I'm struggling. She loved me so much and was a beautiful woman.
I love her too! And that's big for me. I didnt love anyone else until I had children and my fiancee.
My mom was my favourite person too, and she died recently.
It was like my entire soul was shattered
I just cried as soon as I heard the term favourite person along with the explanation of the different relationships.I've always had these sort of relationships with people for as long as I can remember, but I'm close to becoming an adult (I'm 17) and it's starting to get too intense and unhealthy for me to cope with.I felt so understood thanks to this and now I can finally know how to make things easier. Thank you so much.
you are still young love and i'm glad you had the chance to learn how to cope better with this earlier on. I'm just now realizing these traits and was diagnosed at 27. i'll be 30 in january and still trying to figure out how to make this work or live with it. be patient with yourself though. sending love and positivity your way.
@@leishlamariecolon4148 better 27 than 28. i'm so glad u were diagnosed and good luck on ur journey❤️
I got into a mental and physical relationship with someone I was dependant on at 14. My mom thought it was okay but my ex would manipulate me and gaslight, aswell as blackmail me and tell me she would kill my animals if I left her. When homophobia came into the picture because of her newfound religion she left me. My mom is my other "favorite person" but I hate to be demanding. I think I might just end it when I turn eighteen and disappear. I don't know what else to do because changing is more painful than a peaceful death at this point
I'm 17 now. I always had a kind of particular tendency in giving one person a special place in my life. Though I had lot friends in school, I saw myself swinging towards someone other than all. Things were quite easy at that time. But it's all changing. I'm getting emotionally unstable as each day pass by. My previous fp had no idea about my BPD stuffs neither do I. I left my contact with her when I realized things are getting itchy for her. I used to spend a whole day sniffing and Sonni over her thoughts. By leaving her, I thought my life would get normal as before. It was hard without her, it took me almost 3 months of no contact at all to get over her. But....at that same time, my mind drifted to other person who is my current fp.
I was hoping for things to get normal but I'm again drowning in this same Bpd ocean. Life's getting to tough as each day pass. Now that I get to know about BPD and FP related stuffs my mind is more peaceful than before. But it won't cure any of my pain. Wonder when things will get alright. I miss the young self of mine.
Omg I’m 17 and was just diagnosed and am feeling so many intense things rn. Can I ask are you like absolutely terrified of what it’s like after high school or is it something not related to the bpd. I’m so scared to be an adult, I just cry all day everyday sometimes I feel like, my eyes just always leak.
I was devalued several times from my ex who suffered from this illness. Broke off the love we had as if I were speaking with two people. One that loves me, and the other that hates everything about me. And now she’s gone. I did my part about studying BPD further, now it’s too late, because I feel like all the answers that would have saved our relationship, was from this video. Damn.
Be grateful instead...You saved yourself a lot of pain
Going thru this now....
Hope you’re doing well now ❤
I've lost my favorite person due to testing and confirming mainly. I have went so long not understanding my own personality disorder. It wasn't until I began watching your videos that I truly began to comprehend what has been going on within myself the entire time.
being someone’s “favorite person” and molding myself around that role for years and years has destroyed my life and my sense of self. the immense pressure and responsibility that goes with that role, the rollercoaster of being idealized/devalued, building a life and worldview around accommodating her volatile feelings and neuroses- all of these have broken me as a person. I don’t know who I am anymore, to the point where I can’t make even the most basic decisions like what to eat or whether I should stay in school. I don’t trust myself at all anymore because I’ve been gaslighting myself and repressing my own feelings this whole time.
I’m not saying this is all the other person’s fault (I was the self-martyring one who sought out a chaotic codependent best friendship and tied myself to it for over half a decade), but I’m tired of the expectation that the bpd sufferer gets to be broken and the people in their lives are just supposed to handle it all without breaking themselves. I’ve loved her so deeply but I also hate her more than anyone in my life. And i can’t find any sources on BPD that would help me work through my feelings about this without demonizing her.
dcdrafts I can relate so hard to this
I'm so sorry about the pain you are going through. I used to be in a similar position. I stayed for a year after the devaluation & push/pull behavior started. It was a very toxic, confusing, painful life. Had I stayed longer, I'm sure I would have ended up feeling the way you do- completely destroyed, & unsure of who I even am anymore... It's been 2 years since then, & my BPD ex & I are officially divorced. My life is hectic & full of challenges- but it is also about 1000 times easier & 1000 times less painful than it was before. I laugh & smile a lot more now. I get to pursue interests that I wasn't "allowed" to pursue before. I don't walk on eggshells on a daily basis anymore. I'm starting to love myself, perhaps for the first time since I was a very young child.
I have two pieces of advice for you- 1) Get serious about working on your family of origen issues, & begin the work of re-parenting yourself. Partners of people with BPD tend to have the same types of Mommy/Daddy issues as people with BPD... It's not an easy or quick process, but until we address those issues & heal from them, we are likely to repeat the same dysfunctional relationship patterns over & over again.
2) Take full responsibility for the role you played. You seem to have started to do this already, which is great!! Keep going with it. I'm saying this with love- no one force us to be with or stay with this person after the abuse started. Unless they had us locked in a basement for several years, we could have left at any time.We chose not to. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself what red flags you saw, that you chose to ignore. Ask yourself why you chose to ignore them. A therapist who is knowledgeable about codependency will be invaluable in helping you to work through these issues... I wish you peace & healing on your journey.💜
Emma Gatewood This reply is so kind and generous, thank you.
I’m still recovering very slowly from this and trying to figure out the best path, but those are all things that have been important for me on the road to getting better, and it’s really affirming & encouraging to get that advice from someone who’s been through that same codependency struggle. (The “finally pursuing interests that I felt I wasn’t allowed to pursue” bit was a gut punch haha. But I’m getting there, slowly.)
Peace & healing to you as well. Thanks for providing this guiding light and hope to a stranger. 💕✨
As an abuse victim, I've found myself the "FP" of several people over the years that I feel treated me exactly the way your describing, and its been so harmful for my healing journey from emotional manipulation and abuse. Ngl, this only helps a little with my negative views of people who've treated me this way. Im sorry to everyone w BPD, but please please please get help so you don't hurt the people you care about. I know it isn't fair and y'all can't help it always, but it can be sooooo toxic and BPD isnt an excuse- but a reason. I love you all and wish you the best of luck 💜
Why do you keep attracting pwBPD?
I'm glad I know when I'm devaluing my favorite person, so I can stop. I get so ashamed when I get mad for no reason.
I also always have a “thing.” I wonder if that’s a part of it. Do any of y’all relate? For example, for awhile, I was making all kinds of crap out of duct tape. Then I started crocheting stuff for people. Then I took up Yoyoing and got really good at that. They come in spurts but it’s very similar to the favorite person.
@@jorgegordillo791 this sounds exactly like me... different "things" for me like art, graphics, writing, different creative projects... all last a couple months and once im with that favourite person everything is on hold and i hate it. I want to balance. And as i typed the word balance, he said balance in the video. Aiii
I saw this a lot when I was younger especially. Like books series or TV shows, I remember I read Percy Jackson and only Percy Jackson everyday for like 6 months I would read it with no lights on and I wouldn’t move for the whole day not even to eat or use the bathroom. Then there was Avatar the last air bender when it first came on Netflix back in 2013. I would literally only watch that for hours and hours and wouldn’t even move. I was so absorbed in these things I only wanted to watch or experience them. Same with writing or drawing, I was convinced that I was going to make an entire clothing line had everything set up and one day I just didn’t want to anymore. It’s weird being so wholly invested in things and then just not, and not because you don’t want to but like I don’t know for me it’s like I can’t get into it the same for some reason.
@@jadejade9382 I play guitar and crochet, and I've realized in the past couple years that I am autistic and that I use these repetitive, rhythmic actions as stims to keep myself calm and to regulate my emotions. One time I played guitar for so long that I injured my thumb. I can be so absorbed in an activity that I don't realize I'm doing damage. It happened again recently...reinjured my thumb...and now I can't crochet or play guitar. What a nightmare! But it has made me realize how not ok I am in my current living situation, so I am attempting to move out. (Also a nightmare, but the only way out is through.) Funny how things go.
Is this a BPD thing!? I also have ADHD so I always thought it was that, but didn't realize it could be a part of BPD
I don't have diagnosed BPD but I-
With he said “testing and confirming” I was stunned. My entire life (Like even as a little girl; my parents are both diagnosed narcissists) everyones said “you always have to push the boundaries” or “you are always pushing people’s buttons”. I’m not proud of it but to here it said so plainly gave me goosebumps.
Just been diagnosed , I’m trying to improve myself for my boyfriend who’s accepting me still for who I am .
I came here as a 10 on the intensity scale. I'm a 4 now. I am only recently learning and your videos are so helpful. Thank you Dr.
I am with you there, I went from a full-on psycho level 10 obsession over my favorite person, did my research worked on myself and now I am a calm 2 maybe 3 on my worst days haha
@@wesley6442 meditate and simply observe whatever comes up. watch it dissolve and bring it down to a zero. find your true self again. you are not your bpd. plot twist. your true self is the one you are searching from xd.
I was just diagnosed with BPD and I literally refer to my partner of 5 years as “ my favorite person “ my mind is officially blown. Great content. I have got to show my partner this, it explains my behavior so much very enlightening.
“variability of another human being” is such a perfect term to go along with having an fp.
thank you so much for this video!! im a recovering borderline and seeing empathetic, yet rational doctors discussing my illness in a respectful way gives me hope that i can succeed in my recovery
This is a huge relief.. to be able to label this kind of relationship and understand why I’m so dependent on them .. wow
I’m glad that you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFoxLOVE all your help Dr Fox ! As a partner i have to add though, that it's not just our mood that can change etc so that the person with BPD starts to devalue us. In my case it's simply when i do something that needs to be done but he percieves it as unfair that i can't be there for him at every existing moment. Clingy. It's not that my mood changes. I know you mention the clingyness somewhere.
For me as (empath-)partner, i'd love if there were more videos on how their behavior effects their favourite person, bcs he certainly does not believe me, with all the distortion and the mistrust.
They feel on a roller coaster but put US on one. They feel like we are an angel and then demon, but that's then how they treat US.
Then that constant stonewalling / silent treatment (internalising??) He really really hurts me, and then stonewalls, instead of an apology! Which is abuse.
I never know which character i will be met with, and that's very, very destabilising. I have set boundaries. I don't want to give up on him, but then again i just cannot endure this anymore. It's that flipflopping, but i am burning out beyond anything.
I am 67 my brother would have been 68. I now know we were both BDP. I use to
say he was either getting mad , getting in trouble or getting hurt . I was
anxious and had explosive rage. We both were extreme workaholics. He stayed
a binge alcoholic, He dove down 200 feet in a sea cave and came back as fast
as possilble - he died of the bends at 51.He choose that. I feel pretty done too.
We are both RH negative and co-dependent and this life is hard for us. I studied Mental Health thru Self-will trainging - D. Lowe. It helped. I just was not ever able to be profiecent and my explosibe reation to anxious intensity is still not that manageable so I isolate.
Your techniques are a God Send. I am working at them. Thank you so much.
I have BPD and I am Rh negative too. I also severely isolate myself too, I can actually go weeks and weeks without seeing or speaking to anyone at all, going outside only when i need to buy food for my two cats. I am so sorry you lost your brother
Wait, he chose to get the Bends?
An ex showing me this a couple of years ago helped lead me to my diagnosis and now, a year and a half into DBT, significant improvement in my stability and mental health. Thank you.
...... and I just found my new favorite person! I need to move to Texas!
Haha! Uh-oh.
Run doc
Jess Wood rebecca bunch is that you 😹
Lmaooooooo!!! 😂😂😂
Thank-you for doing these talks. I had a friend with BPD, who after listening to this I feel I understand so much better. I didn’t understand why they were so clingy and imagined I hated them if I was busy, etc. I truly believe they are a wonderful person, but the way they behaved sometimes was extremely hurtful and difficult to understand. It must be so scary to feel that your stability is so dependent on others. It makes me deeply appreciate how secure I am just by myself.
It’s always important to build some self understanding and appreciation. I’m glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
I never understood people with NPD until I realized I might have BPD. I always wondered why they needed such validation/attention in life and had to rely on others to do so (supply). Now I get it. I need the same except it comes in the form of comfort and emotional regulation. My mother died when I was very young so I'm guessing I didn't develop the necessary skills to do so. Honestly, it really doesn't feel like it can be resolved 😔
I like his not judgmental approach, I’ve seen other professionals talking about BPD or traits, from surrounding people point of view and how hard it’s to live with a person with BPD , when other people usually know how to find their way out if need to... and the real person suffering is the one with BPD
I was someone's favorite person until it took all my strength and I couldn’t handle anymore. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I have my own burden to take care and for so long I felt like I should take care of hers too. It was too intense for me. I miss her everyday but I don’t think I can stand by her side anymore. I don’t know if I’m a bad person I just wish I knew how to handle this
it doesn't make you a bad person; the truth is, as someone struggling with these symptoms, we can be inconsolable with an average, untrained person. the best you can do is keep an open mind and have lots of empathy with lots of research. i appreciate the wording of your comment because a lot of people with these experiences immediately jump to "ohhhh those EVIL borderlines wreaking havoc!" of course, mental illness never excuses toxic behavior, but many also fail to realize it *explains* certain behaviors. some people are genuinely shitty, mentally ill or not. but plenty of people, mentally ill or not, aren't bad people, and are capable of getting better with the right resources and motivation. i sympathize with u and you're not obligated to fix anyone.
@@superdoofus i struggle not to be shitty to ppl with my mentall illnesses possibly bpd. and the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone. whatever dumb shit that pops up in my head i try to be calm about it even while my emotions are blowing up like a volcano. breathe meditate observing my thoughts etc. im not gonna let ppl close to me take the brunt of my disease. it is my burdern to deal with and manage and eventually heal. i simply remain as i am and let my thoughts and intense emotions subside.
@@superdoofus this🥺
I’m very much looking forward to your borderline personality disorder workbook!!!
Thank you. I really think it is going to help a lot of people.
Dr. Daniel Fox when will it be released?
@@hanagraham7376 there's a link to advance order. I was going to but then got hung up when I forgot my password. I'll go back though when I have the mental stamina to do that. I think it's an Amazon purchase. You'll see a link to his website and then you can click on the pre-order. I'm going to show this channel to my therapist in case it might help some of his clients.
I think there was something important missing from this, which is what's driving the attachment in the first place- there's a lot of positive emotions that make these folks like someone so intensely.
My favorite person was a selfish person but it has made me look at my
Bpd more closely . Quiet borderline here
Similar
It’s all too easy for someone with BPD to say this. By nature most BPD people are narcissistic and by nature selfish. Perhaps try looking at your narrative again and you might possibly realize that the other person is just loving themselves and not being selfish.
@@burritomaker69 narcissism is something else entirely. We are self-obsessed rather than selfish, we are in fact obsessed by the fact that we are selfless which is a huge part of the problem. Get educated.
Max Power This is so incorrect. People with BPD are not selfish by nature. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. People with BPD are often attracted to people with NPD or have narcissistic relationships/parents(opposite sides of the coin). So what this woman is saying, is most likely correct.
Everyone is selfish for a BPD
I have experienced all 4 of these relationship types. I recently lost a friend who was my favorite person because of how I treated him. I pushed him away with the constant testing and confirming. I did things that upset him just to see if he still wanted to be my friend. For a while he stood by me, but just a few days ago he told me he can no longer be my support person. I don't blame him. He didn't deserve all the things I put him through. I hurt so badly but I know I need to let go. I need to get healthy so that I can have healthy relationships. I never want to hurt anyone again.
Just wow. My ex and I broke up very quickly because I wanted to spend all my time with him and didn't understand why he didn't feel the same. I knew I should hang out with other people as well and tried to but nothing made me as happy as when I was with my favorite person. This is so well explained. Holy crap lol
I just feel what is love then? I don't want the standard package, I want something deep, intimate, two souls joined together and nothing else matters.. but that is an unrealistic view of love, I feel my version of love is immature. ever the hopeless romantic
@@wesley6442 exactly...
"You can, you can do it." When I heard this my body calmed.
"That missing internal part," really spoke to me. Also, I'm wondering how many people have these extremes.
I have a longtime friend who is my most continuous "favourite person" and who I used to have a highly distorted relationship with as well as having a habit of developing crushes on people and having them become a temporary FP. I also believe that in my marriage now and in past relationships I constantly do light "testing and confirming" where I'll push a little by being overly aggressive or irritable toward my spouse and confirming subconsciously to myself that he'll allow me to do this and still stick around. This video has been very very helpful! One thing I have learned with my best friend or FP is that in order to avert negative thoughts and paranoia of abandonment I will have him communicate to me why he isn't speaking back and so forth, sometimes he is very depressed himself and he will not want to communicate and it is so helpful for him to just let me know that he isn't feeling well or that he isn't ignoring me on purpose. It also identifies to me though that I have an unhealthy paranoia that I should manage on my own as well.
I have never heard my emotions explained so cleary omg
For years I have been stuck with this pattern without knowing any clue of what bpd was. I just realised it 2 years back. And I'm really great ful for that. I have been working on myself ever since the time I found out. The worst part is I moved away from my favourite person who is my best friend so that she does not have to put up with me anymore. And the best part is Im making things easier for myself and I'm getting attached with people but with boundaries. I have no favourite person as such now. And it's better this way. And the saddest part is throught the journey of this struggle I thought others were toxic, but I realised that I was actually the toxic one. But day by day Im getting better and feeling better.
And a huge thanks to this channel! For the enlightenment regarding bpd it was a huge mind opener
I believe my first boss, who I'm still close with and is like a mother to me, is mine. Our conversations make or break my day. It's making sense now
I do all of these thing when Im in love with someone or really like someone. However, I act very normal around most of my friends, family. When Im around my "favorite person" I almost get blackout rages, self'sabotage, splitting, intense sadness to the point where I use substances, intense happiness , I have compulsive thoughts about who I am and If Im good or bad, I have body dysmorphia and a lot of self-hatred. Does this sound like borderline? I would say Im quite normal and high functioning when Im not in a relationship or seeing someone. Im not very impulsive..more controlling of my behaviour and I don't really do stupid shit that get's me in trouble.
I thoroughly relate to this.. I have diagnosed bpd
Yes same. Before I had therapy I would be a totally different person to absolutely everyone but my partner/favourite person. I would be screaming and self harming in front of my favourite person but should someone call me or turn up at my door I would immediately compose myself in an instant and it was dissociative. I'd be totally normal. One day I had spent the day trying to commit suicide over and over, being chased by police, discarded by the county head psychiatrist only to be caught by police again and eventually they took me to a mental hospital under a section. However, when I got there is completely calmed down and changed into a normal person again, so they let me go. Another therapist diagnosed DID while I already had a diagnosis of BPD. I started to think I was NPD or something really evil. Thankfully that is all in the past. I don't dissociate anymore and I've slowly started letting down my mask to others which means I'm the same with everybody to a point
I hate the fact that I relate completely to this
@@KTKaute dude i thought I was the only one that did stuff like that that is so relieving. I genuinely thought I just had bad social anxiety or something but it makes so much more sense now. Thanks for sharing
,
it's important to remember that everyone can be helped, but it's also important to remember that YOUR health comes first... often times a person with BPD will kill you (not literally, more so from stress, etc) long before you'll ever be able to help them; put yourself first, cut off anyone that's damaging YOUR health whether it's family or a friend.
"I hope you have a great day"
well I just googled bpd because i have a lot of the symptoms and it's kinda ruining my life but I'll try
the realization is rough, and if you're lucky there's no comorbids.
Doesnt have to ruin your life. It might be difficult, but bpds are also incredible amazing personalities
I was diagnosed with traits of BPD, and every day I fight with this sh*t storm inside my head. It is exhausting... So I can only imagine just how exhausting it must be for my favorite person, and it makes me feel even worse. It's a terrible cycle, and I hate it.
Pain
Within the first few minutes of listening I started balling my eyes out. It's scary, and sad to come to the realization that your a lot worse off than you initially thought you were. And that all the things that you thought made you....you turned out to be just a the keylist of symptoms. Making the key contributing factor to your personality a psychological diagnoses. That's what I feel I am. Not a unique individual but a victim of mental health circumstance.
I'm now wondering if im gonna be ok. I could really use some advice on how to addicts??deal with the fact that my favorite person and I are both addicts and I have BPD and a psycho somatic facial twitch on top of it. If you could do a video on those kinds of things bbn I'd appreciate it.
Thanks
I've recently been diagnosed with BPD and this makes so much sense. My favorite person is my ex girlfriend. We were best friends before we dated and when we were together, it was the most healthy and wholesome experience I've had. No toxicity, no episodes or jealousy, just happiness. It ended abruptly when she lost those feelings and I think when it all came to end is when my BPD really really came out. I've become completely dependent on her and the idea of her being with someone else is soul crushing and I've found myself anticipating and waiting for it, putting me in a constant state of anxiety. This is my best friend and I'm tired of exposing her to my episodes and making her deal with my anxiety and jealousy. I just wanna be the friend I was before we dated.
I deal with the same anxieties but with my husband!lol i worry that im doing something wrong everyday and hes bottling up and will just leave me one day. I had an episode yesterday and ruined a good moment (he didnt make it any better either) but its been rough. Alot of feelings of worthlessness at the moment. But maybe if we try cultivating relationships with others could help in the long run?i have anxieties with friendships too though :/ hang in there!
@@btorres3875 Thankfully her and I are no longer friends or in each other’s lives. I basically forced her into lying for months about a relationship she was in. I was so scared of her dating someone else that she got terrified of telling me she was dating someone. I found out and it was downhill from there, we tried being friends but we hated each other by the end of it. I love her a lot and I hate what i’ve become from a dumb breakup. I’m glad she’s away from me though. Remember that these blind episodes of jealousy or anxiety actually effect others. When I had an episode I knew i was hurting her and in the wrong but all forms of self control left me. Like an itch you can’t scratch, until you blow up. I hope you’re doing okay, remember you aren’t dumb for thinking these things, you just care a lot. Try forming other friendships or invest more time in yourself and in your hobbies. BPD to me is insecurity and the inability to love yourself or accept yourself too, so you become extremely involved in someone else’s life to the point where you’re dependent on them.
@@bfhtom I'm going through what you explained originally, from your side. It's rough. :/ I'm just figuring this stuff out, after trying to hang myself when somebody said they were leaving. Even I would never expect such a chemical reaction from me. I'm a quiet person who's always given too much heart in my eyes. But I came to depend on somebody and they pulled away. I felt in shock, I went crazy. o.o surprised somebody can relate. And I continued to push them away out of embarrassment, just instictually, and emotional fragility. I'm glad you got out of that relationship bud.
@@raaaaaaarr it’s been around two years since we broke up and i still find myself thinking about it every day, it didn’t help that we stayed friends for so long. Around the time I wrote my original comment we had stopped talking for the final time. We’d get into huge fights and stop being friends for a month or so and then end up missing each other. I no longer have romantic feelings for this person, I think i just miss being happy and normal. She texted for the first time since march the other day, and for the first time ever, I didn’t reply. I’m not going to. it’s a vicious cycle and i’m glad you could relate a little bit to my story. Please be safe
I cried at 11:10 when he said we can do it. I’ve been trying to get over a breakup with my FP for over a month now and have been having more than 8 episodes a day, just crying constantly thinking about them.
When it gets this bad it’s really easy to lose hope and feel like you’re stuck in that hole for good and you’ll never be able to find your way out of it.
From now on when I feel like texting my FP I’ll watch this video. You have given me the courage to not give up on myself or my goal of finally taking control of my BPD and emotions.
Thank you so much.
Oh my... I think I'm someone's favorite person... I've known the person for so long but over the years I've noticed something off. I'm usually always supportive of him, and am too patient to confront anything harmless so I usually don't react when I probably should. Just recently we got into a blow out because I think he put me through one of these "tests", the whole situation seemed really wrong and manipulative, I went from feeling scared to angry (rightfully so) to suddenly feeling like I was the one who did something wrong but I put my foot down and currently we're not on speaking terms. I know it won't last forever and our friendship will be back to normal in time, but this all really makes alot of sense as to what's going on with him. I genuinely enjoy talking with him, when he's in his good moments, but I hate when I'm put in therapist mode. He gets pretty pissy and emotionally manipulative if I'm not there for him or reacting in a way he wants me to.
Not many people are saying this, but if it keeps affecting your mental health like youve described RUN. LEAVE. If you're not able to set a healthy dynamic and boundaries, you need to GET OUT of there asap!!!
@@calebwilson3817 we live in 2 different states and I know when he's acting up and being weird, I distance myself and talk to him less when gets like this.. The thing is he's always been somewhat compulsive with lying and that's usually what I ignore, it doesn't effect me personally. We both have our own mental health issues mine is anxiety and depression that I'm getting professional help for and his.... well he's never actually told me his diagnosis other than how depressed he gets. I've always urged him to seek professional help when he gets to his low points. One day he started casually mentioning he goes to therapy and takes meds. I'm starting to think this is another one of his lies but I have no proof. He just doesn't seem at all like he's getting help.
My mother is a therapist and she told me it sounds like he has bpd so I've been looking into it and yeah it really sounds exactly like him.
No worries though I've always taken note of how people act and am very aware when they're being passive or manipulative. And I definitely notice it with him every time. Its just this "test" was really out there like nothing he's ever done before. And he got mad I didn't dedicate my whole day to bugging him about it. When I confronted him on how messed up and manipulative what he had done was he blew up. He can not stand to be confronted or called out. We're not talking currently, and I don't think I could ever hate him, but it's definitely going to cause more distance because his actions are getting straight up toxic.
I appreciate your videos so much. It is truly helping me understand the emotions that I feel instead of just thinking I'm plain out crazy. My issue I am having is that I have been with my significant other for 11 years now which is amazing in itself. But I am trying to educate him on bpd so that he may understand why sometimes I am the way I am. And to teach both of us ways to help me learn to do better. But as he keeps watching videos on bpd he just hears negative and how much work it is. He never heard anything good about people with bpd. He has said all he has learned is to not be in a relationship with someone with bpd. How someone suffering from bpd is selfish and has no empathy. I really wish I could find a video that talks about the positive love and positive things that someone suffering from this disorder can have also. Bpd does not make me selfish or heartless or hateful. I am who I am.. I wish somewhere I could find it talk about something positive.
What is favorite person. I am not understanding it
Malynn, there are incredible positive things from BPD. The emotional highs, the level of devotion you can give, the incredible ability of being able to read the room, your observational skills, how much compassion you're fully capable of especially when you can articulate it, and even the level of accurate prediction you have about those you're close to are all impressive. Leave it to a NT(neural typical) to overlook these skills (they are skills, they only get better with work)
All my life I have had a favorite person and very intense relationships that ended in tears when I felt the person had betrayed or let me down. I went from absolute devotion and admiration to intense dislike and never speaking to them again. Its a pattern. My current special person has bpd traits and I started watching because of him. I now think my introversión has masked my own bpd all my life. This explains everything. :/
How is the relationship of two pwBPD?
Thank you for doing this video; it helps me understand where my ex-wife was coming from (she has since been diagnosed with BPD) and to make sense of some of the emotional abuse I went through when she was at her worst.
Obviously it's too late now to save the marriage (that ended years ago), but having a healthy way to look back on and understand what was going on is very theraputic for me today.
Keep up the great work!
Transitional object? Staffordshire Bull terrier! Having a dog helps sooth and calm, provides company and exercise and reduces the emotional intensity as above placed on friends making life easier for me and them.
Important really adopt/buy a dog that breed suits you and your lifestyle. Maybe you don't want a dog so perhaps a cat or rabbit?! You want to be chill so not a terrier you want to be zen so a zen dog go with characteristics you admire, colour you like and the sex you feel comfortable with. My rescue dog Skylar has really helped me. I also wanted a dog that had suffered and would appreciate a good home and she really does. I wanted to rescue as I have wanted to be rescued in the past. Such an easy uncomplicated relationship. No misunderstandings or conflict!
This too is no long-term solution. My stalkers murdered my cat six months ago and I will never be ok. He is an extremely rare breed and was my best friend for nine years. I cannot replace him and cannot live a normal life. He IS my favorite person
I want to cry... he has just described me. I want to cry because someone has finally put words to how I feel. This has been my life for so many years and I can't believe it's actually a real thing. I genuinely thought I was going mad.
It feels so good to hear someone explain to me exactly how I’m feeling I feel like I am finally understood and finally can find positive ways to become better Thankyou you are literally a life saver
Wow. This is my relationship with my spouse. I have never heard it explained like this before. Our relationship is very much a rollercoaster... I am seeking therapy for this. I also purchased your workbook online. Thank you for being there and making these videos!!
+FateAndFurie 🦊👍
Wow. The distorted others are my biggest problem and I had no idea that this phenomenon had a name and that it wasn't just me doing this. It's caused a lot of near-breakups because I always saw so many people around me who were "just what I needed in life" and my boyfriend was "all bad" for not living up to my expectations of absolute bliss. But I often didn't know these people who would, in my head, be "everything I have been looking for" and of course the attributes I gave them were completely made up by me.
This information has literally left me speechless. Thank you SO SO much for explaining this to me! It has literally changed my approach to people in general. And to my partner - I see how he ticks many boxes for me and my needs and that no person in this world could possibly tick EVERY box for anyone.
Please keep up this amazing educational channel and your work!
My favorite person is my ex-boyfriend, we have a lot going on and when he ignores me I assume he has passed away and I panic
My favourite person was someone who just wanted me for sex, and than telling me lots of other shits and blaming me for everything while he was dating other girl, and than he just through me like a piss of shit.
Same
been there
Yeah, it’s always jumping to conclusions like that? And then you get super depressed and stuff. God this sucks-
My siblings and I always talk, semi-jokingly in a dark humor kind of way, about which one of us + our father was our mom's "favorite" at any given time during the period that we siblings all still lived with our parents as kids and young adults before moving out. The reason it was dark humor was that it was always the worst to be what we called "in Mom's favor" or being "her favorite", because it meant you were under constant scrutiny, Mom wanted and demanded 24/7 perfection toward her, and the moment she felt you had a less than perfect response, you fell from favor and hit bottom pretty hard, which was bad because then she would become abusive, or more so than usual. There was no way to control not being her favorite except to stay out of sight and out of mind as much as possible, so we would all slink around as kids trying -usually futilely - to avoid her notice. One of many rough things about being the child of a borderline, undiagnosed, untreated, and out of control by anybody.
I'm pretty sure she has borderline, but she got diagnosed with bipolar recently and is fairly proud of it. I figure she either has bipolar comorbidly or the therapist was one of many who doesn't have much experience with borderline and misdiagnosed it as bipolar. Plus bipolar is supposedly not as much in your control, whereas borderline has a lot to do with your own responses and therefore has more stigma since it's considered more under your control. Or at least that's my guess.
Holy wow. I clicked this because my family's covert narc, (a lovely fellow who just wants to take up residence and not get a job... Uhh... )He just showed up on my doorstep and said i was his "favorite person" and im so glad ive been listening to you dr.s all year. The first words that flew out of my mouth were "i have no intention of being your favorite person." Boundary stated.
New to all of this. My wife is my favorite person. God bless her. I'm heartbroken for what I do to her mentally.
My fav person was a sister, the only family member growing up that let me sleep with her when I was scared at night starting at a very young age. She decided to ghost me with no explanation other than cutting me down. I was devastated. It seems like she un-loved me. I dont understand
I can only imagine the confusion and pain and I'm sorry you experience this. I wish you well.
Hi Dr. fox, I don't know if you'll ever see this comment, but i want you to know youve made such a huge difference in my life, understanding my diagnosis, understanding my trauma and most of all myself. You've helped me explain to my loved ones this complicated and often debilitating disorder, how we can work on it together, and how come i am the way i am. In my darkest of moments and through the loss of 3 fps, you have been one of the biggest comforts i can ever return to, thank you for treating us with so much love, respect and understanding. We need more doctors, and people like you.
I was diagnosed with BPD last september after fighting anorexia, depression and anxiety and have literally just been left with my diagnosis with no help and it has been horrific, absolutely horrific. With not being able to afford private and lockdown from Covid making things worse I've been looking at what I can do to help myself but haven't came across anyone/anything that I've believed could help me. Then I came across your book on Amazon and thought I'd watch a view videos to see if I could connect and well, book has been ordered. Thank you.
Oh my word, this explains so much of my "hero the one day, I hate you the next day" that I have been feeling towards some people in my life. It's as if I was obsessed with constantly trying to connect with the particular person and feeling wonderful or hurt and abandoned, depending on their response to me. It really is like an addiction. You hate it, but can't tear yourself away. I never understood why. This is going to help me so much, thank you doctor.
I already lost my favorite person due to BPD. This was prior to diagnosis. So now I’m empty&lost. Life is great
I don’t encourage you to explore this and see what are some of those issues of tendencies that tend to make it difficult to connect to others and foster healthy relationships. I wish you all the best.
6:25 This smile seems so wholesome and endearing :D
I want to be that happy when I think about my dad
I’ve recently had a realization talking to a close friend, that I tend to absorb my partners energy. It’s natural, I just naturally merge with the other. My heart WANTS to merge. Maybe it’s the BPD talking, but my love fantasy consists of having energies merged and one day...maybe one day it’ll be exactly the way my heart yearns for
My BPD-partner did that i the symbiosis phase, before devaluing me. I felt like my whole energy got sucked out of me! He was an energy-vampire. I was so exhausted so i needed to distance. Pls consider the persons energy before you give in to that urge to merge! ❤
I’m undiagnosed but I experience the rollercoaster a lot as well as the testing and confirming. I’ve been this way for years. I constantly ruin relationships because I become too attached to people but as soon as they say something that I perceive to be hatred towards me I begin to turn on them, I begin to convince myself I don’t need them. It’s so stressful that i don’t want to make friends. there’s times where I perceive someone to hate me and I begin to really hate them which then makes me hate everyone and then they can literally walk up to me and say something nice about me and suddenly I like them again.
Thank you so much for this video. My FP is the one major aspect that I am not making improvements on and this has given me hope that I will be able to overcome this aspect of my BPD.
Dr. Fox,
I appreciate the work you do.
I was diagnosed with BPD after a 5150 in my early twenties and spent years struggling with it until I found a therapist. I've made huge improvements but I still fail. I still mess up and push people away. But I'm resilient and keep trying, I keep taking accountability and putting in the work. Daily.
Ive been intentionally single for nearly 6 years now. I've begun dating again and it feels like all the hard work I've done is gone. I've been so dysregulated. So I started researching again and found your video. I'm looking into ways to understand my painful emotions about dating. I'm validating myself and being there for my emotions. But I wish the pain would stop and it never really does.
I would suggest you examine your core content. Your gains aren’t gone, just behind the underlying factors that drive your interference. Be well.