On cutting with Kim Carlsson - Part one
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- Опубліковано 31 жов 2019
- In this video I'm sitting down one early morning to talk about some of my experiences from the past two decades of cutting. This first part deals mostly with me viewing back on the experience and how it has affected me as a person, as well as my different shapes of art. For more in-depth topics, answers and thoughts on the matter or things related to it please let me know, and I will be more than happy to give my reply in the second part. Thanks for watching.
Note that I do not endorse self harm, but have a vast amount of experience in the field. If you or someone you know struggle with it or have questions for me don't hesitate to make a comment and I will make another video answering it! I'm aware it can be a tough subject for some and I don't mind creating some clarity among its shadows.
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I’ve been cutting since I was 12. It never really leaves you
Never ever
Cutting has been some of the greatest acts of self love I have experienced at times. Sitting down, in a dark room with a single candle in silence. To watch and feel all that I can. To not be distracted and to stay with the experience for hours. I never wish to indulge in it in any lesser way. Thank you for the video, Kim. I look forward to the next parts. I'm quite sure Hypothermia has been the only thing I have listened to at times during self harm. Now it has been years since the last time I had cut. I don't regret anything nor do I pretend that it will never happen again
I find it very refreshing that you touch base on topics that many of us deal with, but are hesitant to discuss. Let's face it, most people just do not underatand, nor can they relate. Only another person who experiences cutting knows. I am a very deep empath and began cutting when I was 12 as a means of the release of emotional torment and pain I was bottling up...(I am now 44). It forced me to FEEL in a world where I often feel alone, tormented, numb, and misunderstood. Over the years I have learned many things about myself. Scars are a reminder to me of depth of my heart and soul...and many lessons I had to learn. Blood is the escence of life...it is beautiful...it is sacred...it is part of who we are. Extracting blood can cause momentary pain...but life IS pain. But there is much beauty in pain and in life. It is a stark reminder of this duality we experience in this human existence. Thank you kindly and sincerely for your videos...and your music throughout the years. Means a lot...to me on a personal level. Thank you for touching on this subject.
"Only another person who experiences cutting knows".
Well, I perfectly understood it by reading about the subject matter, years before I had to experience it myself because of unbearable tensions with my horrible family (it happened when I began confrontating situations instead of hiding from them...). Anyway, it's true that most of the people -especially in some cultural settings- are complete morons unable to comprehend it.
@@no-tabsadvocacygroup6570 Where did you read about it?
@@boredathome206 It surely was some paper from PubMed or another similar website, but I certainly couldn't right now tell you which one. 😬
I used to cut long ago, before I ever knew anyone else did it. I just thought I was doing it on my own and never knew why. I didn't cut with a knife or razor, but would use the head of a large safety pin, dragging it fast and hard over and over across my arm. I did it deep enough that I still have scars. One day I just stopped, though I randomly still feel the mood. I know one day I will do it again but it's been decades at this point. For me the worst part wasn't the pain, but needing to hide it. Because the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.
I started with safety pins too haha
Dont go back to it
for me, cutting myself has always been about when pure, absoulute rage fills my body and i feel like ripping my skin off, I really cannot help but hurt myself. Mainly because when ur in pain it kinda numbs all your feelings, but also because it distracts me and make me think of something else. If I completly ignore theese thoughts I can end up on the floor crying and shaking for hours because there's something so deep inside of me that I cannot express.
that thing about distraction is so true, for me also it’s nearly always been about needing to distract myself from whatever I’m dealing with
I was listening to Lifelover when I was cutting. My arms and chest are full.
Strange because Lifelover and cutting saved my life. So thank you Kim and B!
Thank you for taking on this topic, Kim. Speaking from experience, i only began cutting after i indulged myself with people. Otherwise, when i used to stay alone, i never even thought about doing it. Every scar speaks for itself. And the hard truth is we can't really change anything about it. Respect.
Hope u hang out there well.
Thats what I feel they are memories marked on our body
People need to educate themselves on the self mutilation practices… It really is a form of self discipline as you said but for me I feel like it’s a form of self love and taking care of your wounds, it creates chemicals in the brain, you “punish” yourself and then heal. But the art perspective is very interesting.
exactly. i've never been able to fully understand my physical and mental body much more in my entire life. my knowledge for understanding how the body reacts to it as well has expanded
thank you, to me cutting is just calming the noise, it feels like a warm hug that truly understands me
It has helped me instantly in hard times
me as well. I’ve been doing it since I was a teen and for a plethora of different reasons.
No one speaks as honest or in-depth like you. That's what I love about you.
I use to do it for like 5 years I finished at 16/17 mom helped me a lot ❤
I started cutting when I was very, very young. Maybe about nine or ten years old. I’m grown now (17 years old). The cuts on my thighs that seemed gaping seven years ago are barely noticeable now. I was so very young. I wish someone was there for me. I wish someone was here for me now.
It was the only way I saw myself. I’d look in the mirror only to inspect blooming bruises and gashes on my hips or shoulders or thighs. Never look myself in the eye. It’s better now. I occasionally indulge myself- running the sharp side of a pair of scissors down my wrist is blissful. Sharp enough to hurt , not enough to bleed. I’ve gone so far. I look in the mirror now. I use my razor only to shave my face. My actions tread the line between masochism and self-harm. I don’t quite care to differentiate. I stub fags out on my skin sometimes. It feels good. The pain is sharp and it makes me gasp and buck, trying to escape the smoldering of flesh. Lovers refuse to treat me how I want (how I deserve). I want to bleed. I like the pain, the blissful nothingness that follows. The cold skin. The scars. I love it. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me. He did, once. Stabbed me lightly. Blood dripping down my thigh. I loved it. It made him cry. He didn’t like hurting me. We didn’t do it again. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still want it.
I'll try my best to write about my experiences in English, it's not my native language.
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Growing up in a small town, not too far from where Kim is, I can relate to the social stigma that is self-harm. People will always look, judge and make assumptions as to what kind of a person you are, especially in the area commonly known as the "Swedish bible-belt".
I've tried forming a semi-understandable sentence regarding how and why i started, but I guess I simply don't know. Could've been the classic "call for attention" (without me ever realizing it) or it could be the choice of manifesting "inner torment" in a physical form. I've tattooed most of my scars by now so they aren't too visible, but I'd get people asking about them repeatedly which is/was fairly annoying.
Memories of this period of my life are rather gray, not sure if it's due to my own brain trying to "protect" me due to all the incredibly stupid stuff I did or if it's simply a result of all the different types of medications I got put on afterwards, even if it's been 15 or more years. I was around 12-15 when they decided to put me on antipsychotic drugs like Haldol, Risperdal, Zyprexa and others.. turns out I wasn't psychotic and I got diagnosed with PDD & ADD at 22. This didn't really help with the self-harming, it just took new forms. Instead of cutting I would now just.. crush and smoke Xanax and fall asleep outdoors in the mid-winter, wander around trainyards and whatnot. I have no recollection of these events of my own, but I have been told what I had done when I woke up at ICU.
In retrospect, I don't know if any of this has helped me in any way or if I've gained anything from it that I wouldn't have gotten doing something less destructive. The experiences themselves might have been slightly valuable to me, but considering life is mostly about interacting with other people - and these other people don't share these experiences, and they will absolutely jump to conclusions and be very judgmental. I've learned that I cannot handle drugs or alcohol and stopped all together, so I guess that's a win. I've learned that I have issues relating to people in general and don't really feel much empathy - I've learned to work my ways around it, and learned how to try and create "feelings" without harming myself.
If anything, it hurts to say, it's made me more or less my own worst enemy becoming very judgmental towards people who simply "do not understand". I'm happy for people who have never been in that position, they are very lucky. This has caused me some issues with relationships, both in terms of friendships and romantic ones. It's very hard to put into words what exactly I mean or what I am referring to here, but in very dumbed-down words; the lack of insight, both in terms of who they are as individuals but also what they have experienced or what they carry. Neither does one thing exclude the other.
This is a complete incoherent rant, but hey, it's something.
thanks for sharing bro
When people ask what is that i simply respond dont u see what the fuck it is and when they ask why u did it i simply say just for fun
Fuckers wont understand there is no soul in them
Wonderful video. I do blood letting for rituals had not thought of using in my art, I have used ash from rituals in paint. You have a beautiful personal use of blood for your art. Thank you for sharing
Thank you and you are welcome.
thank you for this video, this was really educational, i also try to balance my emotions, my experiance in the past was that selfharm was really something i kind of needed, because i couldnt keep my thoughts in check, i think self harm is in a way some form of healing, because you have variety of emotions inside, that its hard to get rid of them, specially in the beginning, when everything hits you at the same time! so you need to release some pressure. and only through time you could learn how to release that pressure in other form, and learn to balance darkness and light.
This video was a nice topic. Whenever I use to cut back then, I did it in solitude. Every scar I have reminds me of a lot of things and I had reason behind each time. But each one has a meaning and purpose. I still do but for more of a different reason. But its still meaningful and for a purpose. I don't endorse doing it either.
A very calming voice
This video means the world to me. Thank you
I didnt cut bcos I was sad or bcos I hated myself. It helped me tap into a part of myself I otherwise don't venture into. More often then not, it's alternative to hurting others.
thank you for sharing your experience
I love you kim thanks for saving my life
Wonderful video Kim. You speak well and honestly. What more can I say. Your awesome dude.
The last time I cut was for when I had a girl cut me and made a picture on my back. That warm blood coming down was intense. I don't do it anymore. YI just suck my thumb,yes I know it's weird but it's my security
That’s fine too
I believe in a balance of emotion to keep myself stable. I’m not sure if others feel this but for every good there is a bit of negativity and I’m often finding ways to forcibly feel a bit more unhappy. I have been thinking about cutting for a while but not always thought physical pain would do the job. So I suppose I’m asking did cutting help you feel emotional pain or purely physical? I might also say here thanks for uploading these talks. I really enjoy them.
i used to cut when i was becoming super obsessed with death and stuff, these days i’ve come more in terms with the people that had died on me in those times and i’m on my feet again. sort of. i’m addicted to nicotine now but i’ll get through that too 🥶
just recently quit nicotine… again. It’s one day or day one. you decide. I wish you the best.
your music is truly missed
I've always been curious and have wondered about your mentality on self harm. And I was rather surprise with the answer aside from your artistic view of using blood for art. I expected just that but was rather surprised in the end
I myself never attempted to self harm, mainly due to being so closely knit with my family that they'd immediately notice it. I've had thought of it and I'd rather inflict it on the persona I've created for myself, as silly as it sounds. It'd still be alarming for someone I suppose, inflicting pain and harm on something that is basically you. But it's better to hurt something not real than your own self, especially when you want to get better from your depression.
I’ve been cutting since I was 11 now I’m 15 and I still cut but dsbm helped me not being ashamed of it
Same except im 12
There's a song that says: "Oh, Lord, I wanted so much understand / Why so many people surffer without knowing of gesture of faith exceeds the reason? / That happyness is in love, in forgiveness [...] It's just a reflection. You are a great artist, very polite and apparently a good person. I hope you're okay.💖🙏🏻
Is Kim Carlsson alive?
@@biedacha I don't know.
@@biedacha he is, just not online.
I started cutting at sixteen with very thin razor blade to see if it hurt;
It didn't hurt at all,
So I kept doing it for almost two years.
♥
Love ya Kim! I also have that Tank beer on my display wall. Boulevard??? was it???
Det gör mig glad att veta att du mår bättre nu än då, eller åtminstone låter det så. Sen är det klart att man hinner reflektera och mogna en hel del över 15-20 år, man är inte fullt lika impulsiv & destruktiv.
Ja det här är väldigt positivt! Jag vill också att han ska ha det bra.
marks of war
how can I get some your art?
Varstu allltaf á Vocal ?
What about romance? Anyone special in your life? How do you think having a romantic relationship will effect you/has effected you?
VAR ÄR DU KIM MIN KOMPIS LINNNEA SAKNAR DIG
Is Kim Carlsson alive?
Yes he is. He posted on patreon that he took a break
I do Auto-Mutilation, always together with Amphetamines...i think, thats a very heavy Journey, to overcome something, and create something...i didt a lot of ''shit'' in my life...BUT, when it comes to ''relaxxx Your-Self''...THIS is ITTT...for me...and it will always will be...!?
hypothermia
Do it now! 🔪🔪🔪😵