Autism Inside Out - Journey Update - Its been a bumpy ride!
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
- Is it the COVID-19 or a combination of circumstances? It has been about 3 or so months that have been full of challenges. Questioning life... feeling signs of depression... feeling like I have no purpose or destination... isolation... etc. I've questioned the value of these videos, my writing on Quora - my place in the autistic community.. and even dark thoughts of being tired of this life... yet feeling unable to change... how to change etc... I don't think I'm alone in this time we are all going through. Maybe sharing my thoughts will connect with others and we will all feel less alone in this journey.
Hi Tom, interesting video and quite relatable. I have self-diagnosed within the last year or so as being on the spectrum (age 40 now). Apologies for the length of comment to come!
I have found being able to contextualise my past through an autistic lense very helpful - now recognising that I have previously struggled with depression, anxiety and CPTSD to varying degrees - along with the usual autistic issues; sensory overload, burnout, executive functioning problems, episodic memory issues, comfort in routines, time to adapt to new environments/routines etc. That all said I consider myself on the high functioning end as I have a career and live independently and have a small social circle of friends.
I've been a bit up and down mentally with this lock down period. Sometimes feeling very relaxed and content due to lower work stress, but sometimes feeling isolated and down due to lack of social interactions on the other hand - fixating on stupid trivial things like the need to clean/tidy my apartment a bit, that might take an hour or two but the lack of motivation gets me down instead of just cracking on with it. What is helping is making an effort to go for a walk for around 1.5 hours each day at my local park (whilst listening to podcasts etc) and I have just joined a gym to get back into an exercise routine - physically moving helps get your mind off over ruminating.
I also discovered various 'Nootropics' that help alleviate anxiety and calm down the over rumination to the point you can get a hold over your thoughts:
1) Magnesium (particularly ZMA = combo of zinc, magnesium and B6 vitamin) - always relaxes and helps sleep
2) CBD
3) Ashwagandha
4) Vitamin D - ideally from direct sunlight
5) L-theanine - natural compound in tea (high in green tea) - excellent for focus without sedation
I recognise that I can either focus on someone's body language very well OR their words, but following both at the same time takes a lot of mental energy, and in a group is almost impossible to sustain for long. Recognising this is due to mental wiring and is not going to change helps take some pressure of trying to 'fit in'. It is a process of learning/accepting what is neurological wiring differences that we have no control over, and what are things that we have been conditioned to believe about ourselves that we actually have control over - and allowing a little self-patience with regards executive functioning etc.
I recently came across the term 'autistic inertia' - are you familiar with it? It describes the fact that autistics often have trouble 'getting started' with something, but when in flow with something interesting then have trouble stopping! (bit like me info dumping in this comment post!). Like a car without an engine or brakes being pushed towards the apex of a hill and over..
My executive functioning problems I think stem mostly from episodic memory issues - i.e lacking the emotional feedback from positive memories (emotional memories fade to the point I can only really recollect flash images of places I've been and experiences I've had) to reinforce a desire to repeat activities/behaviours that reward - knowing that I cannot change this wiring, instead of wallowing in the frustration this brings, I decide to bring more discipline into my life gradually - such as joining the gym again recently. I know intellectually I love working out and the feeling it gives, but it fades so fast I have to discipline myself to keep going to the point I can make it a routine, then it is not something I think about doing or not doing - it is just part of the schedule that I begin to feel uncomfortable about if I cannot continue, rather than needing to self-motivate to go - does that make some sense?
I think feeling you have no purpose stems in part from seeking others to validate your sense of self. If you have been masking your entire adult life, as I have, then you have been masking to gain acceptance and validation (as well as to generally function in the world). Making the decision to drop that mask has left you in a bit of limbo? I have felt similarly. I think it helps to try to make yourself your own mental point of origin - i.e be a little more self-centered (not to be confused with selfish) - so thing first about how anything will effect you, before deciding to agree to do anything.
We men have been conditioned to be the disposable sex, being valued for our productivity and ability to aquire resources primarily, so making the decision to live for oneself, instead of being on the treadmill of resource aquisition for the sake of providing for a family causes a bit of cognitive dissonance with the conditioning we have been brought up with in this society.
I can recommend a brilliant book, that is not autism related, but will likely cause you to re-question your role in society (and concept of masculinity) and open your eyes to the way in which we are conditioned in this day and age 'The Rational Male' by Rollo Tomassi.
This guys aspergers channel I also find v helpful:
ua-cam.com/users/AspergersfromtheInsideabout
Take care.
Luke
Hey dear friend, I was so excited to see another video from you, I always love hearing you and your words of wisdom. I absolutely understand and you are not alone, I am here, reach out. You are in my thoughts always. Big hugs as I am also pulling away more currently. I can't help it at present, it is what it is.
Ireland calling - we’re slowly exiting Covid lockdown and life is somewhat cagily starting to return to the streets of the towns cities and more importantly, the pubs reopen from 4th July 👍 I assume you are in lockdown with nothing much to do but gaze at your naval and reminisce about the life and times before Kung Flu struck down life? My ASD journey has been enlightening, not least my own journey and discoveries about myself (😳) but also the wider world around me and they’re perceptions of me. I find it strange that people can be the disabling factor more than the ASD itself. Perhaps the word DISORDER as a catch all does more harm than good, perhaps instead of Autism Spectrum Disorder it should Autism Spectrum Difference, I know I’m an odd bod but my life has been one quite marvellous roller coaster ride. Keep the chin up, keep the fridge locked, dig the heels in and refuse to change until you are ready and the world will still be there when YOU are ready 😊 good luck to ya.
Yes - we're in a lock-down too... But this has not changed my life much - I don't have local friends or family to visit. - I have contact through social media with others in my community and this helps fill that void. Social interaction has always been more difficult because I also have trouble following conversations so even if I'm around others, I'm still very distant. I agree it should not be a "disorder" that is such a pathological term.. :( - I too have been thrilled to learn I'm autistic and find it fascinating to learn and become true to myself... Its been difficult to tear down the false self-concepts and replace them with the real ones. I'm finding it hard to learn how to live this new life. Its hard to let go of the comforting routines and embrace new ones that feel unfamiliar and stressful. But I find as I go through these "Low" times... it forces these changes... It lets the waters become calm and reflective... It is a process like metamorphosis where you become some thing new and I guess that requires me to stay in my cocoon for a while... Thank you for your reply - Say hi to Irland for me! Would love to see your beautiful land some day and of course the beautiful people ! Best to you too!
I found you while searching for help. I am feeling the same as you. Foundations; I am searching for them too.
Thank you for sharing.
Marla - You will find the most support coming from within the autistic community since we are living the experience not just studying it. This does not mean everyone's experience will be relevant to our own. But there is a sense of belonging and support that is missing in many of our lives. There are many good UA-cam channels by others with autism. You will also find Facebook groups and other forums for late diagnosed adults too. I've met some wonderful people from around the world and many are dear friends now. I wish you well on your ASD journey!
Great insight about our routine lives often being full of old triggers, and how a new environment and new routines can create a situation where you are getting less triggered and find enough space to start untangling who you are. Let me know if there is something I can do to make you feel less isolated and more purposeful!
Thank you Martin!