All I'm hearing is "You can't let them feel at home, you can't treat them like they're their own being, and you can't take care of them"... The American Foster system sounds MESSED UP..
It’s also messed up for the bio children as well. All I wanted as a kid was a trampoline but I couldn’t have one because the foster kids can’t get on it. I didn’t have any actual siblings to hang out with until I was 11 and my brother was a toddler when we adopted him. There was also a girl I was close to in age, and she couldn’t even hang out with my friends. I was a freshman and she was in the 8th so we couldn’t even hang out at school.
@@whatisthisalgorithm I’m sorry you lost out on so much. The government is the worst at doing literally anything. Just as schools do better when controlled locally, foster care would be better run without the federal government interfering.
@@beepbopboop7727 they do feel like an outsider. Always the outsider. Not only because of these rules, but because the whole nature of the set up. Being in foster care is always traumatic.
Does it feel like the government was more concerned about getting sued by your biological parents than actually helping you? Because that's my takeaway from this video.
@@rxg9er yes, and I was in foster care because my mom had some mental issues at the time and felt like she needed to have me cared for, instead I didn’t even know that sleeping over was a normal thing, I had no friends because I couldn’t do anything 🤷🏻♀️ I was in homes where the foster parent was only interested in the money, not one home was a good fit, I was in Forster care for 12 years
@@HisameArtwork 💜💜💜I have used it to help others 🤷🏻♀️I never let it beat me, but I had plenty of foster sisters that became addicts or street workers, being a foster kids was a VERY lonely place. I have three kids of my own now, and hope I’m parenting right, you know? Like I wasn’t ever taught how to be a good parent, I don’t mean like spanking I mean like knowing that you are teaching your kids the right way to do things and that they are very loved🤷🏻♀️
when my foster son was young, he had terrible anxiety and nightmares. He couldn't sleep all night. As soon as I lay next to him on the bed he slept like a baby. But I was told I was not allowed to do that. I understood why this was the rule but in this case I felt heartless letting him struggle alone in his bed. I finally decided I unfolded the sofa in the living room (which folds out to a king size bed) and put him and me in different sleeping bags. I never checked if this was allowed but this worked. Fortunately his anxiety decreased a lot and we never had to go on the sofa anymore. Only one time when he was 16 he had seen a scary movie and could not sleep. We were laughing when we took our sleeping bags to the sofa but after ten minutes he was soundly asleep. He is 23 now and still living with me. Not a foster child anymore but - I-don't-know - a room-renter? All of the rules you mentioned seem quite reasonable to me but I have to admit I broke or bend several of them. (I don't live in the US so our laws and foster-organizations are a little different but similar)
You should have been allowed to comfort your foster son and like a good foster parent you still comforted him. Sometime you have to break the rules to help someone
@@ashleyyoung7677 Exactly, rules are usually there for a reason. But even good rules can't really handle grey areas like that. Sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right.
Lack of sleep overs and taking them away from their friends is punishment for the kids after being brave enough to report abuse. Sad but the kids should have as normal of a life as possible.
Unfortunately these kids are often abused and so if you have been entrusted with the safety of that child they cannot be allowed to be in the care of someone who has not gone through the proper training and background checks... honestly these are very basic stuff to try and prevent further harm to the child to a degree it's not enough because many of these children suffer even more abuse in the system... BUT you are absolutely right it is very unfair that the child should suffer for circumstances over which they have no control
I know plenty of children that only have sleepovers at their house maybe theirs a loophole where the foster children can have a sleepover but with their friend coming over their house
@@Caroline9724 definitely the independence and if anything need to feel comfortable being themselves and not an abuse victim. Them learning proper social behavior is needed. Also the social media rules I get it but I hope that doesn't discourage pictures being taken. My bigger concern is the kids that are raised in foster care never having pictures and those memories when they get older.
As someone who was a teen not too long ago If a teen wants a piercing, they're gonna get it, and it'll most likely get infected because they diy'ed it If a teen wants a tattoo, they'll try to do a stick n poke. If they don't have access to safe abortions..... See where I'm going with this. Especially a situation where it takes so much time out of their lives, 9 months of pregnancy, when they do not want to go through it, and aren't mentally or emotionally ready for it..... They'll sometimes try to DIY it, which could very easily kill them.
@@solarchaotica I second this opinion. It may be cold of me to say this, but I don't care, I have to get it out. At the age when birth control and abortion is a concern, I don't think biological parents of foster children should get automatic rights in regards to the child's health. They should be made to earn a say or be quiet.
@@j.c.2240 well you have to consider birth control isn't just used as birth control. I have an active cps case file running on my family. If they find evidence, I'll have to leave this family. On top of that, I'm a trans male who takes birth control to stop my period. It's prescribed because getting my period causes me to have violent episodes being that I am clinically bioplar. I also take several other medications. At least 4 in the morning, 6 at night, and 2 melatonin gummies to help me sleep. So if I get denied my rights to my prescription medication, am I just gonna get locked up? Go to jail? The mental hospital? Just because foster care won't put me on my medication?
Wow... No wonder so many foster kids struggle mentally. I thought it was because there are so many bad foster parents out there, but now I see that in trying to protect the kid, the restrictions are screwing them up at the same time
@@macksthetigerchild3417 There are bad foster parents for out there for sure! I was actually discussing this with someone over lunch and they wondered if the reason why there are so many bad foster parents is partly due to all these restrictions making, otherwise ok foster parents, unable to properly bond with the children (because they are reminded everyday by all the rules that these are not their kids). And at the end of the day, without proper bonding, it just became a monetary transaction. Whatever reason it is, however, the children always come out as the loser in this system. It's tragic.
As a foster kid, I had lived in eleven different homes from age eight to fifteen. There's all kinds of reasons. Foster farming is/ was popular (signing up for a bunch of kids and doing the bare minimum), but there are people out there that do their best. But a bed is a bed, and sending kids off to a group home is like an orphanage and juvenile hall combined. It's just a shit system all around.
@@Frank9er9er I'm so sorry to hear that. Really wish there's a better system out there, whether it's to prevent these from happening in the first place or to better factor's the kids' mental wellbeing into the rules.
@@deborah3783 The "no kids in bed with you" is obviously to discourage sexual abuse allegations. A pedo will touch a kid despite rules. But a previously abused kid might get very confused about adults in bed. I'm assuming no adult would do something that triggers a kid on purpose but it may be innocent on adults part but the kid can read it differently. Touching not your kids is generally risky =/
What’s most outrageous to me is that foster kids apparently lose all of their bodily autonomy. What business is it to anyone else if a teen doesn’t want to ruin their life by becoming a teen parent and takes appropriate measures to do avoid it? How is it even legal that someone can force a teen to go through the trauma that is an unwanted pregnancy?
I'm guessing this in the most conservative states. I know in my state, a teenager can reach out to places like PP to get birth control without parents knowledge, and abortions if needed. It's not considered an issue that requires a parent since it's like you said, a personal issue between the patient and her doctor.
cause they get custody of the baby once it's born & they can get the baby adopted out by terminating the foster child's rights to the baby. this happens a lot in my state, babies are adopted out & once the mother ages out of the system they discover that they can't get their baby back
The child can, just the foster parents can’t take them themselves to do that. They will need to get there case workers permission to do it or someone from the foster care agency.
It's stupid I grew up Catholic and while birth control was frowned upon as birth control it was definatly permitted by our parish if you had a legitimit medical condition that required it as treatment.
From what I've heard it's not about not allowing them to do that, but about not having the foster parent initiate it do to the parents needing approval for things. If the kid wants to go out on their own and do it they still can.
As someone who grew up in foster care from 10 years old to 18 years old... I can tell you that hearing all of this again was traumatizing. You never feel like you're a part of anything growing up and you keep reaching out to find something to hold onto, yet you're always greeted with the cold shoulder of "this is how it has to be". My foster parents were not allowed to love me, even though my mother gave up her rights and said she would not go through the process of trying to get me back. The few parents who did try to make me feel loved would even feel disconnected. Such a weird system. It honestly is not fun to think back to feeling like property of the state you live in.
I grew up with my bio family but as an adult they all have very little contact with me so I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything also. I get you!! I feel very disconnected and it’s no fun.
You can't have birt control, cause it effects the body in a huge way? Well being pregnant as a teen and being a teen mum, that doesn't effect the body and mind in a huge way?
I assume the difference is that you are not the one making them pregnant? That would also be illegal, presumably ;-) But I agree with you, birth control is a very normal reversible health measure that can prevent much worse.
I think letting the kid get into a situation where pregnancy is a possibility would be the actual issue. (Sleep over are not allowed. Leaving the kid alone with people without background check. ...) Sure sounds like a mess for a teenager to not be allowed to be a teenager. (as being allowed and guided sounds a lot safer, then having to break rules and betray people that care for you to explore what teenage feelings entail)
@A A That's still wild, to me. In my country sixteen is the age of consent, and you don't need your parents' permission to go on the pill at that age. It should mean jack s-it what the parents want; it's not their body.
I feel like making sure they have access to other contraceptives and talking to them about consent is probably the only good route here if they're not allowed birth control
Rules are different in my home country. All those rules seem like they prevent the child from having a normal childhood after already being prevented from that by their bio parents... Like no ear piercings, no drastic hair cuts... Fine, I guess, even though I would love my kid to feel autonomy over their body and deciding their hair cut is part of that. But no sleep overs, no camp with their friends, being left behind for vacation... After already feeling abandoned by their biological parents that just seems cruel
Some of this is wildly inaccurate depending on the state. For instance, we are allowed to post pics on social media as long as we don’t include their name or identify them as a foster child. We also have prudent parenting laws which allow us to have babysitters or let the kids go to a sleepover or stay at grandmas house if it’s for less than 72 hours. And our foster kids can absolutely call us mom and dad and usually do. We always give them the option to call us by our first names or mom and dad and they pick. She’s obviously aware of the laws in her own state but not others. I don’t usually comment but this bothers me because our state has a massive shortage of foster homes and there are enough rules but telling people that there are all these rules that there aren’t is only going to discourage them from wanting to do it.
I think part of the difference is that even non foster children have a lack of legal protections for bodily autonomy in the US, some states being better than others of course. I think in every state parents can force their kids to have whatever haircut they want until 14. In my state, they also can (legally) force a child to get an ear piercing, I'm not sure on the limit on that (I say legally because most people who perform piercings wouldn't do it for a screaming child who says they don't want a piercing, but the parent could pierce it at home or track down a person who would do it to a child who doesn't want it). You can absolutely say I have a bias on this next one, as I'm 16 stlll, but (in my state, not sure about other states) parents can deny medication just because they don't like said medication. It would be okay if they couldn't afford it, but they can deny you getting birth control for painful periods because "Ohh, I know what you're up to, you're just a slut trying to trick me." while their child is in unbearable pain. Also, in my state at least, a parent can force a minor to have an abortion. Even if they'll take care of the baby on their own and want the baby and the parents don't need to have anything to do with the baby, they can just simply say no. The minor (again, in my state) could be 17 years, 11 months old and two months pregnant and the parents could still force them to get an abortion. I think nationally it's under 16 can be forced to have an abortion, but I'm not a lawyer or anything (duh, I said I'm 16)
the rules seem to be based around a setting where the intention is the child will be going back to their biological parents in the very near future, with the biological parents being given control of all those decisions. If the biological parents aren't working hard to get their child back & aren't reasonable parents to start with, I can't see how most of them would work to the child's advantage
Every situation is unique & different; not every child in foster care is there because their bio parent intentionally neglected them or even neglected them at all. Circumstances can arise where a bio parent, to no fault of their own, has had their child taken away from them. It’s easy to group all bio parents under an umbrella of evil people who don’t care for their kids, and those people DO exist & it’s horrible, but the intent toward reunification exists BECAUSE there are parents who ARE able to work to be deemed fit to care for their children in the future (ex. a single mom who gave birth while in prison & wants to get her baby back when she is released in a year). It’s also important to recognize how disproportionately people of color, low-income, and disabled people all have their children stripped from them, vs. able-bodied white middle-and-upper-class straight people not being held to nearly the same standard. There are lots of articles about it ^_^
@@BeautifulDollsaster This ☝I work with DCF at my job and read a lot of case plans. Yes, there are parents where I think, "Naw, you shouldn't get that kid back". But there are also a lot of parents that get their kids taken away because they are poor or mentally ill or a single parent. It's not always as cut and dry as, "They abused this child, take them away."
Hold on, the parents don't always choose to neglect their kid. The biological parents could have died, they could be sick and unable to care for the child. Or they might not be mentally stable enough to care for their kid.
@@HorrorPrincess That's exactly what I said. I have a lot of patients that can't care for their kids simply because they couldn't get access to the meds that keep them stable. I had one that had her baby removed not because of neglect but because her mental health had her on the street.
Exactly. Reunification should be the exception, not the rule. People may not be able to choose their mental illnesses or specific circumstances, but they choose to have children in that situation. They didn't have to have sex, and they could have adopted out their children as infants This is the reason foster care is overrun and children go back to unsafe situations that often kill or seriously hurt them. Too much compassion for the biological parents, and not enough for the children. Temporary sicknesses and death are of course exceptions, and I would never show the disgust I feel in front of foster children. But you will never catch me pretending there is a good excuse when those children aren't around.
"The foster parent was trying to be buddy buddy with her"... That's called being a parent. Most of these "Rules" don't exist in other countries. Also most kids are in Foster to keep them AWAY, from their bio parents.
@@yellowishgreendragon.-. While that may be true, your parents are not your friends and never will be. I go to my parents all the time for help, I love them and they love me but they're not my friends
Well the foster home really isn't their home, but yeah, they really need to allow the foster home to actually treat the child as a child of their own so the child can feel welcomed, wanted, etc...unlike the situation they left. The BS they come up with that you cannot do with a foster child, its like why did you bother taking the child from their parents if the place you put them isn't allowed to actually do anything with that child...and if you cannot take your foster child on trips, camps, sports, etc. for safety/security reasons, why did the foster program dig into the foster parents' lives, home, etc. The system is so flawed, all it does is institutionalize the child making them practically useless when they enter the real world once they turn 18 and the system kicks them to the curb as if they don't exist.
I feel like a lot of these rules will just cause the child more upset and trauma. If the parent did something bad enough to get their kid taken away, they shouldn't get to decide anything and they shouldn't get their kids back. :/ Coming from a child who grew up in a home of severe abuse.
Unfortunately, there a lot of kids in foster that weren't removed because of abuse. It's pretty well documented that being poor and/or a person of color makes it likely that your child will be removed for stupid reasons. And also, unfortunately, middle-class, white parents are more likely to be keep children even when there is abuse. I work w foster kids and I've definitely seen a mix of both.
@meh and that's the issue. A child's life can not be put on hold so the biological parents can get their ish together. A child at 3 will be a completely different person at 5. Before you know it that child is now a teenager and there is no time left to establish a connection. Some of these laws are 100% protecting the child (co sleep) but many of them are used to force foster parents to act cold towards the child. That coldness mixed with the abandonment of their bio parents can lead to some serious psychological issues.
Me, who has zero interest in ever having a child in my life: ah, hm, yes this video is relevant to my interests (the algorithm leads to strange places)
yeh, I got here from a video on managing aggression in pet parrots lol I guess that's the criteria to be considered a good foster parent? If I care about the aggression in my lorikeet, I have what it takes to take on a neglected & aggressive human too???????
I definitely understand the need for regulations and safety guidelines, but it really sounds like a lot of these rules purposefully exclude the foster child from normal family life. Especially vacations and extracurriculars. I would feel like such a terrible mother and person in general if I had to tell my foster child “We’re gonna take our biological children to Disney, but you can’t come.”
I know a lot of foster parents here in Texas that took their kids to Disney land, no problem. Just had to get the ok from their agency and CPS case worker.
Although I can understand the intention behind the no birth control/ abortion rule it sort of feels like it has the potential to set some of these teens up for failure. It's not always possible (or right) to monitor everything that a teenager does. If you can't help them to take precautions and can't support them to deal with the consequences it seems to me that the result may well be more trauma and another child in the system. Are there rules about sex education, what you can discuss regarding safe sex etc?
theres a sad reality with this one. in my state my father is a family attorney and sexual abuse is rampant unfortunatly in our foster system. there are sadly many girls that end up pregnant from said abuse. while no child should ever be in an abusive situation like you said lack of birth control can sometimes lead to more or different trauma like a child from abuse.
In my country the parents aren’t actually even entitled to their teen’s health information if he/she informs the doctor that they don’t want the parents to see them. There isn’t even a specified age, it’s just ”depending on the case and if the child is deemed mature enough” so maybe starting around 13, but 15 years old would definitely be old enough to get birth control without biological or other parents being informed even if the parents asked for the info specifically. I think it’s really important that a teen has a right to their own body and definitely contraception. Also age of consent is 16 in my country and teens doing it with other teens approx their own age is generally not illegal if it’s consensual and all.
I was put into the foster care system the second my umbilical cord was cut because I was born to a foster child already in the system. Bio mother scheduled an abortion, but didn't follow through, and was going to put me through a private adoption agency, but the state said no I had to become a foster child through the state, then the state proceeded to fill my documentation with nonsense and lies.
The thing is that foster children are not your children, you are an over glorified babysitter. Imagine your own child wanting access to birth control and being able to get that from a babysitter who didn’t discuss it with you beforehand. It can be hard to remember that your foster children don’t belong to you at all. You don’t have any right to them. They still belong to their bio parents. If their parents gave up their rights and you adopt them, that’s a different story.
@@lucygoosie7726 I don't think any teen (in fostercare or not) should be "owned" by anyone but themselves. If they are old enough to want birth control, they should be able to go to a doctor and if the doctor approves, they should be able to get birth control themselves. Why should the parents be allowed to decide about their childs (or foster childs) body, if they are old enough to want to avoid the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy?
@@giuliarizzo344 Yeah but a lot of it is just taking away everything for "protection" but it doesn't even make sense. Like why would you try to give a child who had a shit life already, a overly complicated and restricted life in which it never will feel normal because it will always be "special" in some weird way.
@@giuliarizzo344 All of these rules ALIENATE the foster children with the exception of a few that have merit. It's terrible! Imagine not being able to partake in sleepovers, camping, family photos because you are a foster kid. While your friends and siblings go and have fun you are forced to stay in your room. At family gatherings, you are told to step away from the photo, at least for the last picture.
@@giuliarizzo344 YOU are not allowed to go on holiday with your family, YOU are not allowed to be comforted when you have nightmares/feel sick. YOU are not allowed over your friends house. YOU cannot get your haircut. YOU cannot ask the parent you trust the most for help. But because it's not you, you see this as understandable?
@@TheBbynurse I have experience with this...in the long run its damaging in one way or another..."mom" and "dad" title should be left with mom and dad, and I can see using those terms for very young kids who have an adult step in and take care of them like a parent, if it's a life long commitment. Other than that, that's why we have names.
No way in hell I would go on vacation without a foster kid and just leave them behind. I would feel horrible if I were that child. I can wait on a traveling vacation until they're not with me anymore.
I wouldn't go, either. I would change it to going on a bunch of fun day trips. How left out would the poor kid feel if they were the only one who couldn't go??!!!
my friend who is in a foster family she told me that one day her and her brother were left home alone for like a week cuz the foster mom went away to visit family in the Philippines and took the other kids (im not sure if all the children are foster kids or not) except her.... she was under 15 at the time
I had my niece in a kinship placement and she wanted to donate her hair at an event in honor of my nephew who had cancer. The CPS director had to get permission from her bio dad who never lived with her. He allowed it and niece happily had her hair cut. It was a hassle though.
Also the reason for most of these rules seem to stem from the biological parents not agreeing, but there are kids in the foster system that dont have parents, do they have the same rules?
Yes I've met foster kids that'll be in care until they're 18 and they cannot get their hair dyed cannot have sleep overs etc as others have said the case worker will stand in as parent but a lot of times it's still just as hard to get approved as if they had involved bio parents
Some of these rules are over the top and over ride the child’s right to make their own decisions and the guardian’s right to treat them like a normal child. Mom and dad are terms of respect and close relationship and a child (especially if they are 8 or older) should be allowed to call an adult that if they want, my boyfriend calls the moms of his two best friends mom in addition to his own. I am also assuming the hair and pierced ears doesn’t apply to teens because they have the right to decide that.
This is so true, half of my friends call my folks Mom and Dad, and I have so much camp family, I can't imagine not using familial terms with people I am technically not related to
Kids in the system don't have a right to anything, even if they're old enough to make those decisions themselves, a pencil pusher in an office makes up the rules and 99% of them make no sense, especially when you are trying to repair a child who was involved in god knows what...only to tell them, they can't be a child basically.
With the birth control rule, are exceptions made for medical reasons? For example, I have PMDD, and the go-to treatment for that is birth control, which I've been on since I was diagnosed at sixteen. It seems unfair that a teenage girl could be denied treatment for something like PMDD just because the treatment is birth control and she's a foster kid.
Right?? Like, there are so many women and girls who end up on birth control as a medical treatment, with NOTHING to do with pregnancy. Are they straight up denying kids medical treatments because the bio parents said no, or is there an exemption? What about pregnancies where the foster kid will DIE if the baby's carried to term? Is abortion allowed then, or is the foster kid expected to just die? What about miscarriages? Because the big problem with legislating abortion is that miscarriages often end up falling under the same laws.
Foster parents cannot take their child and get them birth control or allow them to get abortions. Foster children can take themselves to get birth control in all states without parental permission. Depending on the state, abortions for people under 18 require a parent's permission or permission from a judge, foster parents just have no right to give that permission.
My foster sisters and I were on birth control while in the system still, might depend on your social worker. She also shared pictures and names on social media 🤣 among other things I don't think they actually enforce these rules, they just care that you're taking proper care of the kids.
My Foster mom got to bring me out of state to Florida to go visit Nickelodeon for a whole week so I got to go on vacation with them it was the best vacation ever I was 15 at the time
That's amazing!! I am so glad they were able to do that. I wish that was the case for all foster kiddos. Do you remember if your parents were in agreement with it or not or what your foster parents had to do to be able to take you?
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Same. I was 7 and my foster parents took me on a road trip to Illinois, then Missouri and from there we took a plane to Utah. This was like a couple weeks I think. I have pictures of it in a scrapbook. They must have had my parents' permission, but I don't know for sure.
I know I was immediately triggered lol. It is NOT fine if you don’t wanna vaccinate your children, you’re putting them and other children with weak immune systems at risk
Oregon allows you to post pictures of your foster child as long as you are not identifying them as a foster child. You can share their first name only as well. They are also allowed to have sleep overs. It is up to the discretion of the foster parent. Oregon wants foster children to have as close to as a “normal” childhood as any other child and they found that by preventing sleepover foster kids missed out on normal experiences. We can also have babysitters. Camps just have to be approved through the caseworker first, but that’s seldom been an issue.
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That’s wonderful. Hopefully more states put the children’s best interest ahead of silly rules. Once a foster parent has been approved, let them actually parent! It’s the literal definition of the word!
Same where I live! We can post on social media, but can’t use name and can’t say in foster care. Also we can have babysitters, but if it’s more than 72 hours than it has to be someone our agency has had a background check on. Our kiddos are allowed to go to camps. Not sure about sleepovers, because we’ve only had littles, but I’m thinking it would be okay... so I don’t agree with many of her “rules”
I totally get not co sleeping with non siblings but I feel like for siblings that’s just another level of trauma after being taken out of their home if they are us to sharing a bed
This is for safety. Children who are abused or have experienced trauma are more likely to abuse other children. Even if they are siblings, even if they love each other.
Oh I know why, but when the two year old can't room with your child the same age, and gets placed with two foster teenagers room (emergency placement, there was a whole background story), it's kinda stupid.
@@THEmomfriend96 I know it's for safety, but a lot of these seem to be bringing the issues many foster kids end up having. Theres got to be another way than exclusion from the most basic of family functions.
@@THEmomfriend96 and this statement is a crock of shit. I was abused most of my childhood. It was comforting sleeping with my siblings. It's called sibling trust
It's scary to think that in some countries a girl would need her parents' permission for birth control! It is a decision that should involve only two persons: the person who wants birth control (for whatever reason) and the doctor assessing her suitability for the medication (is there other medications that would work for the same purpose, patient-specific risk factors, type of contraception...) From a European standpoint, the USA looks like a developing country in so many issues!
In most states you can get birth control without parents' permission, the trick is getting to the doctor so they can write you a prescription. Its possible, but not exactly easy.
@@katechamberlain5830 oh my bad, hard to relate, because we have free health care (free access, free cost, and very strickt confidentiality rules. In some cases a school nurse can do the prescription for the pill, and also a doctor does rounds in schools so you can make the appointment there).
@@user-kl4lm9rz7h omg, I have theorized that having a doctor treat kids in school is the solution to SO many issues, I have never heard of that actually being a thing! That's super cool! Also, we have laws that protect privacy, but there is always a chance that your parents will see a bill and ask you about it if you go through insurance. There is also planned parenthood and some other state programs where you can get birth control super discounted, but you have to get there, not easy with strict parents, plus if you live in a smaller town you may not have an affordable clinic near by. Oh and planned parenthood has a stigma because they do abortions 🙄 the states are weird man
Almost all of these rules might be in place to help out foster kids, however they will harm the kids development and harm the way they connect with adults. I'm not from the US and the system where I am the system works totally different. Where I'm from the systems goal is to get a whole human out of placing a kid in fostercare balanced against the child's right to be with the parents, the parents right to be parents and the foster families want to be adults in the foster childs life.
00:00-01:00 - Introduction 01:01-02:19 - Sharing the name and/or pictures of foster children on social media. 02:20-3:36 - Sharing their family history with family/friends 3:36-6:14 - Going to sleepovers and/or sleep-away camps 6:14-7:22 - Cut their hair without permission, especially dramatic haircuts. 7:23-7:52 - YOU MUST VACCINATE YOUR FOSTER CHILDREN 7:53-8:49 - Enrolling them into after-school activities, especially dangerous ones, without permission of biological parents 8:50-10:29 - Taking them on vacation 10:29-11:03 - No co-sleeping 11:03-12:00 - They may not call you mom or dad 12:00-12:17 - No piercings 12:17-14:02 - you may not consent to birth control or an abortion for the foster child 14:02-15:03 - you may not move out of state during the process
I would just grab some kitchen scissors, cut the length I want, then go to a barber shop and get a "trim". If the case worker asked, I'd just say I cut it myself and if they got a problem with that it's my hair. That's what laws that value a nonexistent bio parents opinion over what you do with your own body leads to.
Honestly it feels like some of these are just an ideal way to make foster teenagers just stop asking their foster parents or biological parents permission for anything and start doing possibly dangerous stuff themselves. If I were in their shoes and I asked my foster parents if I can get a haircut and they went "just let me check with xyz and i'll get back to you in two months to tell you if they give permission" I'd take a pair of scissors and cut my hair myself, consequences be damned
Just curious...do the foster kids know these rules? Because if they dont, it could be why some hate the system altogether, because they cant connect with anyone on a personal level like everyone else, feeling alienated.
I was thinking the same. It's no wonder 50% of the foster kid population goes homeless at 18. They have no strong support network or connections. They also suffer mental illness and PTSD at much higher rates. Seems like most of these rules just other and alienate these kids.
I'm Canadian so maybe I dont really have proper info on the American system but growing up in care they NEVER told me shit unless it was necessary or I asked, but if you aren't told anything then you have no idea what to even ask
No, often times we can't, or don't know. We aren't told anything, the system does anything and everything to keep us ignorant. Also the thing birth control is false. In my case, then again, it was medically necessary.
As a former foster child from birth up I was able to call my foster parents mom and dad the only thing that happened that really did not make my dad too happy was when we took a vacation and we were going into Canada we got stuck at the border for over two hours while the border border patrol actually notified the state department the state department and notified State of Indiana and then they got a hold of the child welfare services and child adoption services and had to get additional documentation so that I could go with them out of the country for a couple days in the Canada it was a pain in the butt to deal with for over two hours and if the paperwork didn’t come through I would have actually been taken from the car and held at the border while somebody from Indiana will come up to pick me up to take me to another foster home luckily there wasn’t a lot of problems it was just one specific clerical error and paperwork that was the problem which was corrected immediately over the phone and luckily the Canadian authorities had no problem with letting us go through thank heavens it was no fun sitting there at the border for a long period of time when other cars were passing by us and I’m sitting there in the backseat kind of slumped down a bit feeling very embarrassed and feeling like I had done something wrong but they told me that none of it was my fault
See this is why I couldn't foster, I would not be able to tear siblings out of the same bed if they need each other for support or if one of them calls me Dad I have to deflect it. I'd be heartbroken lol
This seems extremely unfair on the child. So they just lose all bodily autonomy once they're in the foster care system? If they can't even get a haircut, how are they supposed to become independent adults?
I'm glad about not showing Foster kids on social media. The amount of people I've seen who use their family for clout is disgusting. I can imagine a lot of influencers would love Foster kids just to show them off but not help them in anyway. Like this rule
Went into care when i was 3, was only meant to be a weekend but its been 16 years now and im in permanent foster rather than adopted. Ive had maybe 2 sleepovers in my life but i have been to loads of camps and went to multiple countries with my skl to ski. (Live in scotland)
My concern with not allowing foster parents to get BC for foster kids is that BC is also just a normal medication. It's not just about preventing pregnancy. Acne, endo, pcos, severe periods, are treated with BC. Are teens in the foster system having to suffer with these conditions without treatment?
It sounded like you might be able to them birth control if you discuss the situation with the case worker. You, as the foster parent, couldn't make the final decision. That said, I feel bad for the kid needing to jump through so many hoops.
My mother had a licensed daycare in our home. When I turned 18, I had to get fingerprinted for a background check and all of that. Once I was cleared, I was allowed to babysit for foster parents in our area. I even got to go on vacation with a foster mom for a week at the beach. It was a cool and eye-opening experience.
In some states, minors can get birth control and abortions without parental consent. If a foster child went to Planned Parent and got birth control for herself, would that be a problem?
Hey so, I have a quick question in regards to sleepovers, can a foster child sleep over at another foster child's home since that household will already have passed the background check? It makes me so incredibly saddened to think of all the key childhood memories that foster children already miss out on only to not be able to even sleepover at a friend's house or go to camp. Which I guess brings up another thought, why don't they have a nationwide sleepaway camp for foster children that could be managed and funded by the government? It would provide so much relief and enrichment to the kids and give them a week to just be kids around kids like themselves.
Per Normlacy loaws passed by the Federal Government foster kids can attend sleepovers iv the foster parent used reasonable an prudent parenting to make the decision. All states must comply. The video is wrong on that point.
The cutting hair rule wasn't in place for when I was a foster child. There was a kid that had a bowel shaped haircut, and he got it shaved all off. The foster mom didn't have to ask the case worker.
I never had a problem with taking my foster kids on vacation. I got a letter from their caseworker approving me to take them over state lines, signed off by judge. I took them to Nebraska, Colorado and Iowa. We lived in Missouri. Then it didn't matter because legally they became my kids.
That's so great that you were able to do that! Especially since the judge signed off on it! my point in the video is that you can't take them with you without permission. You needed the judge's permission and the caseworker's approval. Once you got that, you were good to go
@@Lucrecebundy we have never once needed approval from anyone to take our foster kids out of state. We simply said where we are going, for how long, from when to when and here’s the address(s) we will be at. Never once have we had a problem in 6 years.
I've been interested in maybe being a foster parent for awhile now, and just happen to come across your video. This was nice to get a sense on what to expect. All of these seem doable. The only one I would have trouble with is not being able to take them on a vacation. That's sad 😭
my dumb-ass thought this was about adopting a child, so they still with you the rest of their lives. Halfway through the video, she mentions the child eventually going back to their biological family. Video makes a TON more sense now lmao
I adopted through an agency in CA and before the adoption was finalized we had to get written permission to take her out of the county. Not state, county. We had to get permission every time we went to visit my mother 45 minutes away. It took 2 years to finalize the adoption (which is way longer than average), so this was a huge hassle.
Interesting. What happens when kids do some of these things on their own like cutting their hair or getting their ears pierced. Older kids could also sneak out and have sleepovers, get birth control, or have abortions.
Some of these things vary by state. We are in process of being approved as foster parents here in WA state, and here there is an allowance for “normal childhood activities”. They got feedback from young adults who grew up in foster care, about how hard it was always having to miss out on things like after-school activities and sleepover parties, so special dispensation was added for typical childhood activities that are deemed fairly low-risk. So over here, they are allowed to be in after-school activities and sports (though caution is recommended for sports with a high likelihood of injury, such as football. They may be allowed but it’s recommended to talk to their caseworker and birth parents if they are still in the picture, to make sure everyone is on the same page, and if any minor injuries happen they need to be immediately documented and reported so everyone knows how they happened.) Play dates with school friends are typically allowed, and the friends’ families do not need to be background checked. Sleepovers are also usually allowed but foster parents are encouraged to be cautious and not allow your child to sleep over if they do not know the other family well. Group sleepover parties with known adult (preferably background checked) chaperones are recommended. Also, occasional weekend family trips are usually allowed (no more than 24 hours away from home I believe, or maybe it was 48 hours? I’ll have to double check) but of course it’s recommended that you make sure to communicate with the caseworker so they know where the child will be, and they have your cell phone number in case you need to be reached. But I am glad that nowadays foster kids do not have to miss out on all of these kinds of normal childhood activities.
Your best bet for sitters and respite care is to have someone in your family (someone that your children would also go to) get approved for respite. That way you don’t have to find someone new every time you want a date night or if you go on a trip and can’t take the kids with you.
This definitely varies state to state. My friend is very open about being a foster mom and posts her pictures of her foster babies all the time. She said she's fully allowed and they encourage so the foster children don't feel excluded. I also have a few friends who took their foster kids on vacation many times. I have also babysat my friends foster daughter. I was not background checked and it was totally OK
Really interesting but I thought the sports stuff was odd. I figure skated and played soccer growing up and i broke many bones playing soccer but never got hurt ice skating. Soccer is a contact sport though. Strange that it's on the "safe" list based on this criteria.
i grew up ice skating and falling on the ice. hitting my head, caused many head/brain issues. neural issues, migraines, and balance issues. have many great memories from skating as a kid but the long term effects of head injuries is a problem. thankfully i think a lot more people wear helmets when learning to skate but not when i was a kid. i knew of a few people who broke their arms falling or even lost parts of fingers from getting their hands run over by other skaters. some are common sense issues, but mistakes happen. i also grew up riding horses and while i have never been seriously injured riding horses, that is DEF a sport that it only takes one bad fall to ruin a life. crazy how chance works differently for everyone, isnt it?
@@redhairgrneyes it is, there is definitely potential for injury in amy sport though. It was strange to me that soccer was considered a "safe" sport relative to skating. I personally witness a lot more injury from soccer (of myself and others) than i did skating. I fell a lot skating, never wore a helmet, but I also remember spending A lot of time learning how to fall safely from different positions. So I don't know. But I can't think of a sport that doesn't come with risk of injury. So I don't know how a distinction is made in terms of this video.
I remember my schools only field trip to an indoor ice rink. Two kids collided on the ice and when they fell one of the kid's skates hit the other in the face and cut him up really bad. School never did another ice rink field trip.
It was clear to me this woman didn't know of specific examples off of the top of her head, and so just guessed. I think she meant to say (American) football, rugby, wrestling, field hockey, etc.
I didn’t have a good experience w Foster care as a youngin, but I really want to foster and help reform the system when I am married and ready. Thanks for info.
As a mom who recently got my children back from foster care I can say that a lot of these rules are not followed in North Carolina. My two youngest daughters had their ears pierced after I was asked and said “no please don’t” I wanted them to wait until they were older (10-13) to make that decision and really understand the responsibility of taking care of them, my girls were taken to New York without permission they were whooped by their foster mom when they misbehaved and no one cared no matter how hard I pushed no one would do anything about it!
Foster care and adoption are not the unicorn crystal palace they are presented as. I’m sorry your rights as a parent were violated. Just because somehow you got mixed up in the “system” doesn’t mean you are a bad parent or deserve to have your kids taken. I’m sorry this happened to you and your children and I hope you all are doing better now. Life is hard for everyone, hang in there.
I moved out a couple of years ago, and my parents decided to do foster care. One year for Halloween one of kids they had wanted go as Beast Boy and wanted to use a *temporary dye* that would wash out after one wash. Well the case worker came over the day I was helping him with his Beast Boy costume and saw me putting the dye in his hair, she went ballistic. I had to calmly explain that the dye would wash out after one wash... She still reported my parents.
@@katefresina832 yeah the goverment are filled with useless ppl i mean honestly if half cps stalf lost there job they would be fucked un hireable and then theres the fact that cps takes kids from bad households puts them in good houses only to tell the "good " parents how to raise the child why bother puting him / her in some one else home if ur gona tell them how to parent
With rules like this it's no wonder foster kids tend to come out worse than they went in, when you're in the system you aren't a person you're an object, and they do everything in their power to remind you of that. The foster care rules are the number one reason I never let anyone report my parents abuse, I picked not eating over being in foster care every day for years. At least living with my abusive "parents" I got to see my boyfriend.
I dont see how birth control, which is basic health care, should be restricted simply because someone not currently responsible for their care feels weird about it... it's healthier to discuss this decision with the child's doctor....
@@hayleymarse2853 So can literally any medicine. Birth control can help to regulate periods and help with cramp pains. It is basic healthcare and the decision should be up to a doctor.
@@kattttt9585 the problem is, birth control masks symptoms of bigger issues. Hormonal birth control isn’t really safe for teenagers to be on unless there is a serious need. It helps to regulate periods and manage pain but there are other ways to do that. Hormonal birth control can damage fertility. Messing with hormones is really not something you want to do to a child if it can be avoided. Another commenter is in the foster care system and a previous home forced them to be on birth control and after she and another girl refused, it was used as an excuse to take away basic necessities and make them have a really early bedtime and they were eventually forced to take it. Obviously there are a lot of really amazing foster families but there are also bad ones who are going to make their foster teens take birth control. If it’s a serious need, the family can discuss it and I’m sure it would be allowed for things like endometriosis
@@hayleymarse2853 I can see where you’re coming from in the second part of your comment, but it’s false that hormonal birth control can cause fertility problems. I really suggest you look into that because reputable sources say that it doesn’t. Please be careful before spreading blatantly inaccurate information online because it seriously damaging.
Reasonable and Prudent Parenting has changed a lot of these rules. So that foster kids can have a more "normal" situation. Different states interpret it differently, but it is a federal mandate.
Yes! I was hoping someone would write this. I am in MA and we live by Reasonable and Prudent Parenting... so check with your state and county to confirm whether these tips are true or not.
Have a talk with them so they don’t feel like they’re left out? Ummm... they are left out. Why convince them to not feel bad about it? That sounds manipulative. Good video though! Very new information to me!
I live in Ireland and our foster system is SO different,one of my best friends was in foster care she was aloud have sleepovers go on holidays overseas and in Ireland with my family (we had to get Garda check for that) she was aloud get piercings,cut her hair all that no problem the only think she had to get permission for was birth control but only because she was under 18 like every other child. Crazy how things are different but a lot of what you said does make sense
I was in foster care for much of my childhood in Colorado. You never feel at home. You feel alone and not part of anything. Outcasted. As if you yourself have done something wrong as opposed to your parents. You’re treated as a black sheep. And you can distinctly tell the difference between yourself and the foster homes bio kids. Foster care wrecked my confidence and shattered my mental health. It took me many years to recover from that. I was almost safer with my mom who had tried to kill me when drugged out. I never felt so tainted as I did while in foster care. I was treated like a young convict. As if some monster would pour out of me at any moment. I’m fine now, but I have definitely struggled with feeling like I belong in this world and I didn’t feel that way until I entered foster care. Also, I went to the Royal Family Kids camp. We did talent shows, made ice cream, did arts and crafts, etc. It was one of the best times of my life. I loved it. I was with kids like myself and it helped.
I'm not interested in having kids in any capacity but I'm so glad I found this channel, thank you so much for making this channel. Such an important subject and it's so important to get right
these over zealous rules are why people adopt over seas. whats crazy is all of these rules and kids still get abused in foster care. Its terrible that they get essentially punished why their parents get to go do drugs
@@performancephd1547 sometimes they never can get adopted though, so this happens for years. Even with a family that wants to adopt it isn't just a few months or something like that unless you are extremely lucky. She even says in the video "foster care is about bringing the kid back to their parents."
@@hoykfnvnnesnxnnensncjforkx1616 it depends on the state. In some states foster-to-adopt is a separate system from reunification fostering. In those states, it usually takes a year or less after successful placement. Either way, these rules really do protect the kiddos way more than they can hurt as long as everyone involved communicates the reasons.
This is about foster care, not adoption. Adopting from foster care is typically easier and less costly than international adoption. Once those kids are adopted the parents can raise them how they like, but as long as they aren’t their legal parents, rules must be followed. And a lack of adequate regulations is why many countries have begun to ban international adoptions. Many of the countries people used to be allowed to adopt children from no longer allow it because too many children have been hurt. The rules are there to protect kids.
When it comes to birth control I get the foster carers shouldn’t make the decision but like with an illness the case workers should make an exceptional a doctor prescribes birth control. Meaning you should be able to take the Forster kid to the doctor and if the doctor thinks the teenagers should be on birth control then they should be able to get it. After all why should the Forster child suffer (especially if they are in a lot of pain). If it was any other reason then you would not be allowed to let them suffer. If a doctor does not think it is right to give a child/teen birth control then they will have to accept that but if a doctor thinks it is right then it should be final. However I do not think permanent/long term solutions should be used (e.g. implants).
Also why should a CHILD be FORCED to change their bodies in a major way & give birth to a unwanted child while they themselves are still not-fully developed themselves?? That’s just evil. Also abusive parents (let’s say the dad who got her pregnant-) use this to further abuse their own child.
@@maryfoxx6019 agreed. The birth parents should NOT be given the choice over birth control it should be in the hands of the doctors & social workers. Birth parents may get a choice in their children’s hair style & piercings (from religious purposes to how they expect them to look when they visit encase they can get their children back) but why should they get a choice over their children’s natural development and health? By putting the choices of menstruation and birth control in the hands of birth parents who may well have abuse the children int eh first place you are taking control of their bodies away from the children themselves & no one should have a say over their bodies but themselves. Taking birth control does not change the look of a child so why should it be int he hands of the birth parents? If it’s for a good reason (e.g. a relic us reason) then fair enough but then the social workers should know about these things and could step in but if a doctor says it’s ok then a doctors word should be final. If a kid had cancer and they said to shave off a kids hair because it was falling out anyway it would be done no questions asked so why not the same for contraception?
@@EmilyCheetham -even if it’s for “religious reasons”.. that can always be used as an excuse. Moreso when it’s religious people (men) use that as an excuse to r^pe children, including their own & those types are usually very strongly against women or girls having any form of rights. -so I wouldn’t even allow for “religious” reasons to not allow a child in foster care to have BC or abortions. As a girl myself (woman) having anyone other than myself have control over my body is terrifying- Moreso if they’re religious.
I understand #8, but it still made me feel like crap. All I knew was that their "actual" daughter was able to cuddle and feel safe with them in their bed after having a nightmare, whereas when I did, I had to go back to my bed and try to go back to sleep, knowing they would leave me after I did and go back to their own bed. I was 7+, so they didn't give me an explanation as to WHY either.
My parents were foster parents and we were able to take one of my foster brothers on vacation with us. The other one wasn’t allowed to come. ☹️ I guess they did it on a case based.
When you say that reunification is the eventual goal...that just breaks my heart. Because the system around this area doesn't seem to know that. They just like stealing kids for no reason and trying to adopt them out by making up lies against the actual parent....
I guess certain rules are different in each state. I have always been able to take my foster children to Universal Studios and Disney world in Florida. I love providing the experience. Also on one of my foster daughters, I asked if she could get her ears pierced and the answer was Sure. But this video was very informative. Thank you for this.
I'm curious if these rules are strict until the kids are 18? It feels like a 14 year old should be allowed to choose their own hair style. Also, I really appreciate the rundown on these rules.
Don't worry about that. By age 12 most are moved to group homes... about 4 or 5 kids in a home. Strict homes or very loose homes where you come and go as you pls and if u miss dinner u don't eat. If u aren't in by 9 ur locked out. Regular foster homes are for under 12. Only if u have a good foster home would u stay past 12 anyways. So freedom as a teen yes. They've basically given up on kids by then. I speak from experience.
In our state, we can take our foster kids on vacation (and we did out of state). In fact our agency encourages that vs. sending the child to respite, so that they feel a part of your family fun. We do need to give them a notice and ask for permission (and we did that one month before the trip). We took our FS to the beach, his first time, and he had a BLAST!
The most surprising for me and most unrealistic is co-sleeping! It’s not only unrealistic but especially with siblings it could be traumatic separating them! That breaks my heart!
I always allowed my little ones to sleep in the same bed and the agency was well aware. It brought them comfort all they had was each other!! No way was I going to separate them. Ridiculous rule especially for children 5 and under.
As someone who is really considering foster parenting in 2022 this video was extremely helpful. Provide lots of insight into the nature of the foster parent/our relationship. Thank you so much
The foster parents shouldn't have the final say on if a kid is on birth control or gets an abortion, and neither should the biological parents. Neither should have any say. Foster kids, like any kids, deserve bodily autonomy. This also applies to haircuts. Obviously younger children tend to just follow whatever the parental figures instruct about what haircuts they get and how often, but if any kid at any point decides they want to dramatically dye or cut their hair, that's totally fine. Same with piercing their ears, or getting a tattoo since I am guessing this also would be an issue.
There was a foster child in my church until the birth parent suddenly said she wasn't allowed to come to our church. Like, the birth parent isn't allowed to have her child because of neglect (and possibly straight up abuse, I don't know all the details), but she's allowed to dictate what church the child can go to??? And the kid was a toddler, it's not like she was being converted or baptized or anything. She was sitting in the nursery playing with toys and eating snacks!
The vacation part is a state by state basis because I took my foster kids on a cruise with us. We went to court and asked the judge and asked the bio parent and they all said yes. Also, the mom and dad thing in Florida they don't have a rule against that. It's better if they make that decision on their own,but there are definitely no rule that says no you can't in Florida.
I have started the process to adopt a child from the foster care system, this was definitely eye opening. I just requested to join your Facebook group and I’m grateful I found you! Great video.
I worked at a camp in Iowa called Lakeview Camp. They work with an Angel Tree program, in which all the campers have one or two parents in prison (thus, many of them are in the foster system). It's an amazing, amazing camp. The staff is so loving, the activities are fun, and many of the counselors were Angel Tree kids themselves. Changed my life. Send your kids here!! (They also have camps for non-Angel Tree kids, as well!)
yea it kind of scares me off fostering. I would love to provide a kind and loving home to someone who needs it but I am not ok being some freak family under a magnifying glass.
i was a foster child for 9 YEARS of my life and aged out and all the people involved in foster care say that they want the child to have a normal life but with all of these rules there will never be a normal for that child also it gets us bulled in school to no be able to do all the things the other kids can do its not fair that our parent mess up but in all honesty we are the ones paying for it we dont get to be children and i do believe that a lot of thigs need to change
In MN foster kids can go to camp and go on sleep overs under the prudent parenting guidelines. You can also have babysitters without a background check as long at it does not exceed 72 hours at a time or over 30 days throughout a calendar year. These are mn rules.
So glad I found this video. You have such a calm personality and seem like such a wonderful person! My partner and myself have started the process of being a foster family and some of these tips have scared us about becoming one. Not being able to take a child on vacation.. we live in Southern California where weekend visits to the mountains, desert, or close city are a regular occurrence(for us almost every weekend). Also the no co sleeping rule. I understand the need for all these rules, they just seem to make it hard for the child to feel comfortable in a new home.
@@lawrenceespinoza4931 there's always grey areas. What if there's a lice outbreak in school, and they get infested. lwhat if the kid actually wants a haircut. What if they wanted a haircut and couldn't get it , so they tried to cut their own hair, should it stay a choppy mess?
Here in Canada many aboriginal parents who lose their kids flip out if u cut the child's hair. They say it's bc of their culture and we are taking that away if they get their hair cut...so boys have long hair in a braid.
I will say as a veteran foster mom that the hair thing can be on a case by case basis. Example: I had a Caucasian child placed in my care who, due to neglect, had a head full of lice so in this case, it was more a health and safety concern for our family and home. This is great info❤
These rules are straight up horrifying. Some of them are very clearly for the benefit of the child, but some are so stifling and against the child's autonomy that I can't imagine them as anything except dehumanizing for them.
I’ve seen a lot of questions about adopted children. My mom fostered for 9 years and adopted my brother (I’m the biological child). Once the adoption was complete, he had the same freedoms that I do.( Not exactly, he’s 11 now and I’m 19, but that’s just like any other sibling group) He can get his hair cut, we’ve been on multiple vacations, we drove from Texas to Pennsylvania to drop me off at college, basically the only thing we don’t do is talk about his original case. He also used to play soccer and is seriously considering trying out for cross country.
I was only away from my parents for a weekend, but it was Mothers Day. My friend offered to let me spend the day with her and her mom (in a public place with supervision) and they wouldn't let me. I was also separated from my brother. Worst weekend of my life.
i can understand not piercing a kid's ears, but a kid's reproductive health should not have to be filtered through someone who has been deemed unfit to raise them, especially since once a kid is old enough to need it, they are old enough to make the decision themselves
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All I'm hearing is "You can't let them feel at home, you can't treat them like they're their own being, and you can't take care of them"... The American Foster system sounds MESSED UP..
It’s also messed up for the bio children as well. All I wanted as a kid was a trampoline but I couldn’t have one because the foster kids can’t get on it. I didn’t have any actual siblings to hang out with until I was 11 and my brother was a toddler when we adopted him. There was also a girl I was close to in age, and she couldn’t even hang out with my friends. I was a freshman and she was in the 8th so we couldn’t even hang out at school.
It’s not just America, here in Australia my parents fostered a child and for 5 years the furthest we were allowed to go is 5 hours away for a weekend.
@@whatisthisalgorithm I’m sorry you lost out on so much. The government is the worst at doing literally anything. Just as schools do better when controlled locally, foster care would be better run without the federal government interfering.
I feel like the foster kid would feel like an outsider in the home, because they know that they are "different". Its really sad.
@@beepbopboop7727 they do feel like an outsider.
Always the outsider.
Not only because of these rules, but because the whole nature of the set up.
Being in foster care is always traumatic.
I am a former foster kid, and I can tell you some of these rules hurt us more than help us
Does it feel like the government was more concerned about getting sued by your biological parents than actually helping you? Because that's my takeaway from this video.
I'm so sorry for what happened
@@rxg9er yes, and I was in foster care because my mom had some mental issues at the time and felt like she needed to have me cared for, instead I didn’t even know that sleeping over was a normal thing, I had no friends because I couldn’t do anything 🤷🏻♀️ I was in homes where the foster parent was only interested in the money, not one home was a good fit, I was in Forster care for 12 years
@@HisameArtwork 💜💜💜I have used it to help others 🤷🏻♀️I never let it beat me, but I had plenty of foster sisters that became addicts or street workers, being a foster kids was a VERY lonely place. I have three kids of my own now, and hope I’m parenting right, you know? Like I wasn’t ever taught how to be a good parent, I don’t mean like spanking I mean like knowing that you are teaching your kids the right way to do things and that they are very loved🤷🏻♀️
I wonder that.
when my foster son was young, he had terrible anxiety and nightmares. He couldn't sleep all night. As soon as I lay next to him on the bed he slept like a baby. But I was told I was not allowed to do that. I understood why this was the rule but in this case I felt heartless letting him struggle alone in his bed. I finally decided I unfolded the sofa in the living room (which folds out to a king size bed) and put him and me in different sleeping bags. I never checked if this was allowed but this worked. Fortunately his anxiety decreased a lot and we never had to go on the sofa anymore. Only one time when he was 16 he had seen a scary movie and could not sleep. We were laughing when we took our sleeping bags to the sofa but after ten minutes he was soundly asleep. He is 23 now and still living with me. Not a foster child anymore but - I-don't-know - a room-renter? All of the rules you mentioned seem quite reasonable to me but I have to admit I broke or bend several of them. (I don't live in the US so our laws and foster-organizations are a little different but similar)
You should have been allowed to comfort your foster son and like a good foster parent you still comforted him. Sometime you have to break the rules to help someone
@@ashleyyoung7677 Exactly, rules are usually there for a reason. But even good rules can't really handle grey areas like that. Sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right.
You have the hearth at the right place.
Dam I'm glad you took amazing care of ur son while growing up.
This is literally so cute
Lack of sleep overs and taking them away from their friends is punishment for the kids after being brave enough to report abuse. Sad but the kids should have as normal of a life as possible.
Unfortunately these kids are often abused and so if you have been entrusted with the safety of that child they cannot be allowed to be in the care of someone who has not gone through the proper training and background checks... honestly these are very basic stuff to try and prevent further harm to the child to a degree it's not enough because many of these children suffer even more abuse in the system... BUT you are absolutely right it is very unfair that the child should suffer for circumstances over which they have no control
I know plenty of children that only have sleepovers at their house maybe theirs a loophole where the foster children can have a sleepover but with their friend coming over their house
@@Caroline9724 definitely the independence and if anything need to feel comfortable being themselves and not an abuse victim. Them learning proper social behavior is needed. Also the social media rules I get it but I hope that doesn't discourage pictures being taken.
My bigger concern is the kids that are raised in foster care never having pictures and those memories when they get older.
I attended so many sleepovers with my friends in foster care growing up so I was shocked by this video!
Or the kids that make shit up to get even with their parents. And the state /county sucks it right up.
Ah yes, denying teenagers birth control, that always ends well
😂
As someone who was a teen not too long ago
If a teen wants a piercing, they're gonna get it, and it'll most likely get infected because they diy'ed it
If a teen wants a tattoo, they'll try to do a stick n poke.
If they don't have access to safe abortions..... See where I'm going with this.
Especially a situation where it takes so much time out of their lives, 9 months of pregnancy, when they do not want to go through it, and aren't mentally or emotionally ready for it..... They'll sometimes try to DIY it, which could very easily kill them.
@@solarchaotica
I second this opinion. It may be cold of me to say this, but I don't care, I have to get it out. At the age when birth control and abortion is a concern, I don't think biological parents of foster children should get automatic rights in regards to the child's health. They should be made to earn a say or be quiet.
Another vaby in the system. How suprising.
@@j.c.2240 well you have to consider birth control isn't just used as birth control. I have an active cps case file running on my family. If they find evidence, I'll have to leave this family. On top of that, I'm a trans male who takes birth control to stop my period. It's prescribed because getting my period causes me to have violent episodes being that I am clinically bioplar. I also take several other medications. At least 4 in the morning, 6 at night, and 2 melatonin gummies to help me sleep. So if I get denied my rights to my prescription medication, am I just gonna get locked up? Go to jail? The mental hospital? Just because foster care won't put me on my medication?
Wow... No wonder so many foster kids struggle mentally. I thought it was because there are so many bad foster parents out there, but now I see that in trying to protect the kid, the restrictions are screwing them up at the same time
There are also a lot of bad foster parents out there, unfortunately. They're being fucked over from every aspect of the system ngl
@@macksthetigerchild3417 There are bad foster parents for out there for sure! I was actually discussing this with someone over lunch and they wondered if the reason why there are so many bad foster parents is partly due to all these restrictions making, otherwise ok foster parents, unable to properly bond with the children (because they are reminded everyday by all the rules that these are not their kids). And at the end of the day, without proper bonding, it just became a monetary transaction.
Whatever reason it is, however, the children always come out as the loser in this system. It's tragic.
As a foster kid, I had lived in eleven different homes from age eight to fifteen. There's all kinds of reasons. Foster farming is/ was popular (signing up for a bunch of kids and doing the bare minimum), but there are people out there that do their best. But a bed is a bed, and sending kids off to a group home is like an orphanage and juvenile hall combined. It's just a shit system all around.
@@Frank9er9er I'm so sorry to hear that. Really wish there's a better system out there, whether it's to prevent these from happening in the first place or to better factor's the kids' mental wellbeing into the rules.
@@deborah3783
The "no kids in bed with you" is obviously to discourage sexual abuse allegations.
A pedo will touch a kid despite rules.
But a previously abused kid might get very confused about adults in bed. I'm assuming no adult would do something that triggers a kid on purpose but it may be innocent on adults part but the kid can read it differently.
Touching not your kids is generally risky =/
What’s most outrageous to me is that foster kids apparently lose all of their bodily autonomy. What business is it to anyone else if a teen doesn’t want to ruin their life by becoming a teen parent and takes appropriate measures to do avoid it? How is it even legal that someone can force a teen to go through the trauma that is an unwanted pregnancy?
I'm guessing this in the most conservative states. I know in my state, a teenager can reach out to places like PP to get birth control without parents knowledge, and abortions if needed. It's not considered an issue that requires a parent since it's like you said, a personal issue between the patient and her doctor.
cause they get custody of the baby once it's born & they can get the baby adopted out by terminating the foster child's rights to the baby. this happens a lot in my state, babies are adopted out & once the mother ages out of the system they discover that they can't get their baby back
The child can, just the foster parents can’t take them themselves to do that. They will need to get there case workers permission to do it or someone from the foster care agency.
It's stupid I grew up Catholic and while birth control was frowned upon as birth control it was definatly permitted by our parish if you had a legitimit medical condition that required it as treatment.
From what I've heard it's not about not allowing them to do that, but about not having the foster parent initiate it do to the parents needing approval for things. If the kid wants to go out on their own and do it they still can.
As someone who grew up in foster care from 10 years old to 18 years old... I can tell you that hearing all of this again was traumatizing. You never feel like you're a part of anything growing up and you keep reaching out to find something to hold onto, yet you're always greeted with the cold shoulder of "this is how it has to be". My foster parents were not allowed to love me, even though my mother gave up her rights and said she would not go through the process of trying to get me back. The few parents who did try to make me feel loved would even feel disconnected. Such a weird system. It honestly is not fun to think back to feeling like property of the state you live in.
Becouse you were property I love how ppl were against civilians owning ppl but completely fine state owning you
So sorry
I grew up with my bio family but as an adult they all have very little contact with me so I don’t feel like I’m a part of anything also. I get you!! I feel very disconnected and it’s no fun.
@@nanlev613 I hope you find something to fill that void, I know it can take a while, but I really hope the best for you.
I am so sorry you went through this. I wish I foster parents had more control!
You can't have birt control, cause it effects the body in a huge way? Well being pregnant as a teen and being a teen mum, that doesn't effect the body and mind in a huge way?
I assume the difference is that you are not the one making them pregnant? That would also be illegal, presumably ;-) But I agree with you, birth control is a very normal reversible health measure that can prevent much worse.
I think letting the kid get into a situation where pregnancy is a possibility would be the actual issue.
(Sleep over are not allowed. Leaving the kid alone with people without background check. ...)
Sure sounds like a mess for a teenager to not be allowed to be a teenager.
(as being allowed and guided sounds a lot safer, then having to break rules and betray people that care for you to explore what teenage feelings entail)
@A A That's still wild, to me. In my country sixteen is the age of consent, and you don't need your parents' permission to go on the pill at that age. It should mean jack s-it what the parents want; it's not their body.
I don't get it, you can literally get nonhormonal birth control now.
I feel like making sure they have access to other contraceptives and talking to them about consent is probably the only good route here if they're not allowed birth control
Rules are different in my home country. All those rules seem like they prevent the child from having a normal childhood after already being prevented from that by their bio parents...
Like no ear piercings, no drastic hair cuts... Fine, I guess, even though I would love my kid to feel autonomy over their body and deciding their hair cut is part of that. But no sleep overs, no camp with their friends, being left behind for vacation... After already feeling abandoned by their biological parents that just seems cruel
Some of this is wildly inaccurate depending on the state. For instance, we are allowed to post pics on social media as long as we don’t include their name or identify them as a foster child. We also have prudent parenting laws which allow us to have babysitters or let the kids go
to a sleepover or stay at grandmas house if it’s for less than 72 hours. And our foster kids can absolutely call us mom and dad and usually do. We always give them the option to call us by our first names or mom and dad and they pick. She’s obviously aware of the laws in her own state but not others. I don’t usually comment but this bothers me because our state has a massive shortage of foster homes and there are enough rules but telling people that there are all these rules that there aren’t is only going to discourage them from wanting to do it.
Yeah I've thought about fostering before and this video was making me change my mind. Glad to know it's different in other states.
It's not like these things can't happen, it's just that the foster parent can't make the final decision.
I think part of the difference is that even non foster children have a lack of legal protections for bodily autonomy in the US, some states being better than others of course. I think in every state parents can force their kids to have whatever haircut they want until 14. In my state, they also can (legally) force a child to get an ear piercing, I'm not sure on the limit on that (I say legally because most people who perform piercings wouldn't do it for a screaming child who says they don't want a piercing, but the parent could pierce it at home or track down a person who would do it to a child who doesn't want it). You can absolutely say I have a bias on this next one, as I'm 16 stlll, but (in my state, not sure about other states) parents can deny medication just because they don't like said medication. It would be okay if they couldn't afford it, but they can deny you getting birth control for painful periods because "Ohh, I know what you're up to, you're just a slut trying to trick me." while their child is in unbearable pain. Also, in my state at least, a parent can force a minor to have an abortion. Even if they'll take care of the baby on their own and want the baby and the parents don't need to have anything to do with the baby, they can just simply say no. The minor (again, in my state) could be 17 years, 11 months old and two months pregnant and the parents could still force them to get an abortion. I think nationally it's under 16 can be forced to have an abortion, but I'm not a lawyer or anything (duh, I said I'm 16)
the rules seem to be based around a setting where the intention is the child will be going back to their biological parents in the very near future, with the biological parents being given control of all those decisions. If the biological parents aren't working hard to get their child back & aren't reasonable parents to start with, I can't see how most of them would work to the child's advantage
I feel like bio parents lost the rights to decide on things like hair cuts when they neglected their children.
Every situation is unique & different; not every child in foster care is there because their bio parent intentionally neglected them or even neglected them at all. Circumstances can arise where a bio parent, to no fault of their own, has had their child taken away from them. It’s easy to group all bio parents under an umbrella of evil people who don’t care for their kids, and those people DO exist & it’s horrible, but the intent toward reunification exists BECAUSE there are parents who ARE able to work to be deemed fit to care for their children in the future (ex. a single mom who gave birth while in prison & wants to get her baby back when she is released in a year). It’s also important to recognize how disproportionately people of color, low-income, and disabled people all have their children stripped from them, vs. able-bodied white middle-and-upper-class straight people not being held to nearly the same standard. There are lots of articles about it ^_^
@@BeautifulDollsaster This ☝I work with DCF at my job and read a lot of case plans. Yes, there are parents where I think, "Naw, you shouldn't get that kid back". But there are also a lot of parents that get their kids taken away because they are poor or mentally ill or a single parent. It's not always as cut and dry as, "They abused this child, take them away."
Hold on, the parents don't always choose to neglect their kid. The biological parents could have died, they could be sick and unable to care for the child. Or they might not be mentally stable enough to care for their kid.
@@HorrorPrincess That's exactly what I said. I have a lot of patients that can't care for their kids simply because they couldn't get access to the meds that keep them stable. I had one that had her baby removed not because of neglect but because her mental health had her on the street.
Exactly. Reunification should be the exception, not the rule. People may not be able to choose their mental illnesses or specific circumstances, but they choose to have children in that situation. They didn't have to have sex, and they could have adopted out their children as infants This is the reason foster care is overrun and children go back to unsafe situations that often kill or seriously hurt them. Too much compassion for the biological parents, and not enough for the children.
Temporary sicknesses and death are of course exceptions, and I would never show the disgust I feel in front of foster children. But you will never catch me pretending there is a good excuse when those children aren't around.
"The foster parent was trying to be buddy buddy with her"... That's called being a parent. Most of these "Rules" don't exist in other countries. Also most kids are in Foster to keep them AWAY, from their bio parents.
Being "buddy buddy" by allowing bodily autonomy with consultation of a medical professional 😑
Parents aren't friends. They're parents 🤷🏻♂️
@@rosierennie5867 They're also people you can go to for help.
@@yellowishgreendragon.-. While that may be true, your parents are not your friends and never will be. I go to my parents all the time for help, I love them and they love me but they're not my friends
@@rosierennie5867 You know other people have different family situations right?. People can be friends with their parents.
These rules just remind them their foster home isnt their home, what a nice system there.
Well the foster home really isn't their home, but yeah, they really need to allow the foster home to actually treat the child as a child of their own so the child can feel welcomed, wanted, etc...unlike the situation they left. The BS they come up with that you cannot do with a foster child, its like why did you bother taking the child from their parents if the place you put them isn't allowed to actually do anything with that child...and if you cannot take your foster child on trips, camps, sports, etc. for safety/security reasons, why did the foster program dig into the foster parents' lives, home, etc. The system is so flawed, all it does is institutionalize the child making them practically useless when they enter the real world once they turn 18 and the system kicks them to the curb as if they don't exist.
It's like this system tries its hardest to deter kind hearted people from becoming foster parents
Sits not about deterring it's about gaining control once you have a foster kid ur stuck
I feel like a lot of these rules will just cause the child more upset and trauma. If the parent did something bad enough to get their kid taken away, they shouldn't get to decide anything and they shouldn't get their kids back. :/ Coming from a child who grew up in a home of severe abuse.
Unfortunately, there a lot of kids in foster that weren't removed because of abuse. It's pretty well documented that being poor and/or a person of color makes it likely that your child will be removed for stupid reasons. And also, unfortunately, middle-class, white parents are more likely to be keep children even when there is abuse. I work w foster kids and I've definitely seen a mix of both.
Foster care is about rehabilitation, not taking kids away. The entire point of it is so that the parents can eventually get their kids back.
@meh and that's the issue. A child's life can not be put on hold so the biological parents can get their ish together. A child at 3 will be a completely different person at 5. Before you know it that child is now a teenager and there is no time left to establish a connection. Some of these laws are 100% protecting the child (co sleep) but many of them are used to force foster parents to act cold towards the child. That coldness mixed with the abandonment of their bio parents can lead to some serious psychological issues.
Me, who has zero interest in ever having a child in my life: ah, hm, yes this video is relevant to my interests (the algorithm leads to strange places)
Same lol I like to learn random things, just in case!
In the same boat. :D
yeh, I got here from a video on managing aggression in pet parrots lol I guess that's the criteria to be considered a good foster parent? If I care about the aggression in my lorikeet, I have what it takes to take on a neglected & aggressive human too???????
lol same !
Me: A teenager with no interest in having a child
Also me: *sees this video in my recommended* ......eh why not
I definitely understand the need for regulations and safety guidelines, but it really sounds like a lot of these rules purposefully exclude the foster child from normal family life. Especially vacations and extracurriculars. I would feel like such a terrible mother and person in general if I had to tell my foster child “We’re gonna take our biological children to Disney, but you can’t come.”
I know a lot of foster parents here in Texas that took their kids to Disney land, no problem. Just had to get the ok from their agency and CPS case worker.
Although I can understand the intention behind the no birth control/ abortion rule it sort of feels like it has the potential to set some of these teens up for failure. It's not always possible (or right) to monitor everything that a teenager does. If you can't help them to take precautions and can't support them to deal with the consequences it seems to me that the result may well be more trauma and another child in the system. Are there rules about sex education, what you can discuss regarding safe sex etc?
theres a sad reality with this one. in my state my father is a family attorney and sexual abuse is rampant unfortunatly in our foster system. there are sadly many girls that end up pregnant from said abuse. while no child should ever be in an abusive situation like you said lack of birth control can sometimes lead to more or different trauma like a child from abuse.
In my country the parents aren’t actually even entitled to their teen’s health information if he/she informs the doctor that they don’t want the parents to see them. There isn’t even a specified age, it’s just ”depending on the case and if the child is deemed mature enough” so maybe starting around 13, but 15 years old would definitely be old enough to get birth control without biological or other parents being informed even if the parents asked for the info specifically. I think it’s really important that a teen has a right to their own body and definitely contraception. Also age of consent is 16 in my country and teens doing it with other teens approx their own age is generally not illegal if it’s consensual and all.
I was put into the foster care system the second my umbilical cord was cut because I was born to a foster child already in the system. Bio mother scheduled an abortion, but didn't follow through, and was going to put me through a private adoption agency, but the state said no I had to become a foster child through the state, then the state proceeded to fill my documentation with nonsense and lies.
The thing is that foster children are not your children, you are an over glorified babysitter. Imagine your own child wanting access to birth control and being able to get that from a babysitter who didn’t discuss it with you beforehand.
It can be hard to remember that your foster children don’t belong to you at all. You don’t have any right to them. They still belong to their bio parents. If their parents gave up their rights and you adopt them, that’s a different story.
@@lucygoosie7726 I don't think any teen (in fostercare or not) should be "owned" by anyone but themselves. If they are old enough to want birth control, they should be able to go to a doctor and if the doctor approves, they should be able to get birth control themselves. Why should the parents be allowed to decide about their childs (or foster childs) body, if they are old enough to want to avoid the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy?
Some of these are horrifying and not at all “understandable”.
Why? I don't see terrible things, I mean most require just asking approval of the agency.
@@giuliarizzo344 Yeah but a lot of it is just taking away everything for "protection" but it doesn't even make sense. Like why would you try to give a child who had a shit life already, a overly complicated and restricted life in which it never will feel normal because it will always be "special" in some weird way.
@@giuliarizzo344 not being able to have any sleepovers you don't see a problem with that one
@@giuliarizzo344 All of these rules ALIENATE the foster children with the exception of a few that have merit. It's terrible! Imagine not being able to partake in sleepovers, camping, family photos because you are a foster kid. While your friends and siblings go and have fun you are forced to stay in your room. At family gatherings, you are told to step away from the photo, at least for the last picture.
@@giuliarizzo344 YOU are not allowed to go on holiday with your family, YOU are not allowed to be comforted when you have nightmares/feel sick. YOU are not allowed over your friends house. YOU cannot get your haircut. YOU cannot ask the parent you trust the most for help.
But because it's not you, you see this as understandable?
In my state Kids can call you Mom and Dad if they choose to. They want them to feel part of your family.
Yeah but if it's just a foster family then they shouldnt be trying to deepen a relationship that wont last.
@@KT-su3qk We should be striving to form real connections no matter how long the placement is. That's what I have learned.
@@KT-su3qk "Just a foster family " is still a family and some placements last years. It reallybis no different than a step mom or dad.
@@TheBbynurse but it is
@@TheBbynurse I have experience with this...in the long run its damaging in one way or another..."mom" and "dad" title should be left with mom and dad, and I can see using those terms for very young kids who have an adult step in and take care of them like a parent, if it's a life long commitment. Other than that, that's why we have names.
No way in hell I would go on vacation without a foster kid and just leave them behind. I would feel horrible if I were that child. I can wait on a traveling vacation until they're not with me anymore.
It's different for every state. I went on vacation with foster parents here in Oregon.
I wouldn't go, either. I would change it to going on a bunch of fun day trips. How left out would the poor kid feel if they were the only one who couldn't go??!!!
@@CadeD679 I wouldn't like my own comment but that's just me
my friend who is in a foster family she told me that one day her and her brother were left home alone for like a week cuz the foster mom went away to visit family in the Philippines and took the other kids (im not sure if all the children are foster kids or not) except her.... she was under 15 at the time
@@pinkie5963CP so sad
I had my niece in a kinship placement and she wanted to donate her hair at an event in honor of my nephew who had cancer. The CPS director had to get permission from her bio dad who never lived with her. He allowed it and niece happily had her hair cut. It was a hassle though.
Also the reason for most of these rules seem to stem from the biological parents not agreeing, but there are kids in the foster system that dont have parents, do they have the same rules?
The caseworker would make the decisions that the bio parents normally would
Yes I've met foster kids that'll be in care until they're 18 and they cannot get their hair dyed cannot have sleep overs etc as others have said the case worker will stand in as parent but a lot of times it's still just as hard to get approved as if they had involved bio parents
When u become a foster kid the state owns you
Some of these rules are over the top and over ride the child’s right to make their own decisions and the guardian’s right to treat them like a normal child. Mom and dad are terms of respect and close relationship and a child (especially if they are 8 or older) should be allowed to call an adult that if they want, my boyfriend calls the moms of his two best friends mom in addition to his own. I am also assuming the hair and pierced ears doesn’t apply to teens because they have the right to decide that.
This is so true, half of my friends call my folks Mom and Dad, and I have so much camp family, I can't imagine not using familial terms with people I am technically not related to
Kids in the system don't have a right to anything, even if they're old enough to make those decisions themselves, a pencil pusher in an office makes up the rules and 99% of them make no sense, especially when you are trying to repair a child who was involved in god knows what...only to tell them, they can't be a child basically.
With the birth control rule, are exceptions made for medical reasons? For example, I have PMDD, and the go-to treatment for that is birth control, which I've been on since I was diagnosed at sixteen. It seems unfair that a teenage girl could be denied treatment for something like PMDD just because the treatment is birth control and she's a foster kid.
Right?? Like, there are so many women and girls who end up on birth control as a medical treatment, with NOTHING to do with pregnancy. Are they straight up denying kids medical treatments because the bio parents said no, or is there an exemption?
What about pregnancies where the foster kid will DIE if the baby's carried to term? Is abortion allowed then, or is the foster kid expected to just die?
What about miscarriages? Because the big problem with legislating abortion is that miscarriages often end up falling under the same laws.
Foster parents cannot take their child and get them birth control or allow them to get abortions. Foster children can take themselves to get birth control in all states without parental permission. Depending on the state, abortions for people under 18 require a parent's permission or permission from a judge, foster parents just have no right to give that permission.
My foster sisters and I were on birth control while in the system still, might depend on your social worker. She also shared pictures and names on social media 🤣 among other things
I don't think they actually enforce these rules, they just care that you're taking proper care of the kids.
That's a good question
Damn, a lot of these things are going to end up making them feel not wanted. That sucks
My Foster mom got to bring me out of state to Florida to go visit Nickelodeon for a whole week so I got to go on vacation with them it was the best vacation ever I was 15 at the time
That's amazing!! I am so glad they were able to do that. I wish that was the case for all foster kiddos. Do you remember if your parents were in agreement with it or not or what your foster parents had to do to be able to take you?
This made me get emotional immediately.
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Same. I was 7 and my foster parents took me on a road trip to Illinois, then Missouri and from there we took a plane to Utah. This was like a couple weeks I think. I have pictures of it in a scrapbook. They must have had my parents' permission, but I don't know for sure.
That is so neat glad you had fun!
"I know a lot of families out there are against vaccination, and that's fine" HELL NO
Yeah those families probably shouldn't be able to take in foster kids, huh
I know I was immediately triggered lol. It is NOT fine if you don’t wanna vaccinate your children, you’re putting them and other children with weak immune systems at risk
I thought the same, I think she was just trying to sound neutral but it sounded really bad.
I was about to make the exact same comment. It’s not fine at all 😅
heck yes
Oregon allows you to post pictures of your foster child as long as you are not identifying them as a foster child. You can share their first name only as well.
They are also allowed to have sleep overs. It is up to the discretion of the foster parent. Oregon wants foster children to have as close to as a “normal” childhood as any other child and they found that by preventing sleepover foster kids missed out on normal experiences. We can also have babysitters. Camps just have to be approved through the caseworker first, but that’s seldom been an issue.
Empowering Less Fortunate Children Foundation
So Many times people always think about their selfs forgetting others.
People are out their struggling for existence, while existence is some how okay for some of us.
Some are having a place to sleep while others are sleeping in the street with out even food and water to drink.
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I am in the process of adopting in Oregon and knew some of these didnt apply.
That’s wonderful. Hopefully more states put the children’s best interest ahead of silly rules. Once a foster parent has been approved, let them actually parent! It’s the literal definition of the word!
Much abuse happens on sleepovers
Incl in your home
Sleepovers are foolishness
Same where I live! We can post on social media, but can’t use name and can’t say in foster care. Also we can have babysitters, but if it’s more than 72 hours than it has to be someone our agency has had a background check on. Our kiddos are allowed to go to camps. Not sure about sleepovers, because we’ve only had littles, but I’m thinking it would be okay... so I don’t agree with many of her “rules”
I totally get not co sleeping with non siblings but I feel like for siblings that’s just another level of trauma after being taken out of their home if they are us to sharing a bed
This is for safety. Children who are abused or have experienced trauma are more likely to abuse other children. Even if they are siblings, even if they love each other.
Oh I know why, but when the two year old can't room with your child the same age, and gets placed with two foster teenagers room (emergency placement, there was a whole background story), it's kinda stupid.
@@THEmomfriend96 I know it's for safety, but a lot of these seem to be bringing the issues many foster kids end up having. Theres got to be another way than exclusion from the most basic of family functions.
@@THEmomfriend96 and this statement is a crock of shit. I was abused most of my childhood. It was comforting sleeping with my siblings. It's called sibling trust
@@spiritwings4592 I did not say that every child who is abused abuses their siblings. I said that statistically it is more common.
It's scary to think that in some countries a girl would need her parents' permission for birth control! It is a decision that should involve only two persons: the person who wants birth control (for whatever reason) and the doctor assessing her suitability for the medication (is there other medications that would work for the same purpose, patient-specific risk factors, type of contraception...) From a European standpoint, the USA looks like a developing country in so many issues!
In most states you can get birth control without parents' permission, the trick is getting to the doctor so they can write you a prescription. Its possible, but not exactly easy.
@@katechamberlain5830 oh my bad, hard to relate, because we have free health care (free access, free cost, and very strickt confidentiality rules. In some cases a school nurse can do the prescription for the pill, and also a doctor does rounds in schools so you can make the appointment there).
@@user-kl4lm9rz7h omg, I have theorized that having a doctor treat kids in school is the solution to SO many issues, I have never heard of that actually being a thing! That's super cool! Also, we have laws that protect privacy, but there is always a chance that your parents will see a bill and ask you about it if you go through insurance. There is also planned parenthood and some other state programs where you can get birth control super discounted, but you have to get there, not easy with strict parents, plus if you live in a smaller town you may not have an affordable clinic near by. Oh and planned parenthood has a stigma because they do abortions 🙄 the states are weird man
Almost all of these rules might be in place to help out foster kids, however they will harm the kids development and harm the way they connect with adults. I'm not from the US and the system where I am the system works totally different. Where I'm from the systems goal is to get a whole human out of placing a kid in fostercare balanced against the child's right to be with the parents, the parents right to be parents and the foster families want to be adults in the foster childs life.
00:00-01:00 - Introduction
01:01-02:19 - Sharing the name and/or pictures of foster children on social media.
02:20-3:36 - Sharing their family history with family/friends
3:36-6:14 - Going to sleepovers and/or sleep-away camps
6:14-7:22 - Cut their hair without permission, especially dramatic haircuts.
7:23-7:52 - YOU MUST VACCINATE YOUR FOSTER CHILDREN
7:53-8:49 - Enrolling them into after-school activities, especially dangerous ones, without permission of biological parents
8:50-10:29 - Taking them on vacation
10:29-11:03 - No co-sleeping
11:03-12:00 - They may not call you mom or dad
12:00-12:17 - No piercings
12:17-14:02 - you may not consent to birth control or an abortion for the foster child
14:02-15:03 - you may not move out of state during the process
Thanks 😊
You Just Saved Me 10 minutes Of My Life.
Bless you
I understand the thinking behind it, but the hair thing got me the most shocked. What happens if they decide to just cut it themselves?
Exactly
I would just grab some kitchen scissors, cut the length I want, then go to a barber shop and get a "trim". If the case worker asked, I'd just say I cut it myself and if they got a problem with that it's my hair. That's what laws that value a nonexistent bio parents opinion over what you do with your own body leads to.
Honestly it feels like some of these are just an ideal way to make foster teenagers just stop asking their foster parents or biological parents permission for anything and start doing possibly dangerous stuff themselves. If I were in their shoes and I asked my foster parents if I can get a haircut and they went "just let me check with xyz and i'll get back to you in two months to tell you if they give permission" I'd take a pair of scissors and cut my hair myself, consequences be damned
Just curious...do the foster kids know these rules? Because if they dont, it could be why some hate the system altogether, because they cant connect with anyone on a personal level like everyone else, feeling alienated.
I was thinking the same. It's no wonder 50% of the foster kid population goes homeless at 18. They have no strong support network or connections. They also suffer mental illness and PTSD at much higher rates. Seems like most of these rules just other and alienate these kids.
I'm Canadian so maybe I dont really have proper info on the American system but growing up in care they NEVER told me shit unless it was necessary or I asked, but if you aren't told anything then you have no idea what to even ask
Right?? No wonder kids who grew up in the system tend to hate the system. They don't get to be normal kids.
My mom would take the time to explain the situation. I can’t speak for anyone else.
No, often times we can't, or don't know. We aren't told anything, the system does anything and everything to keep us ignorant. Also the thing birth control is false. In my case, then again, it was medically necessary.
As a former foster child from birth up I was able to call my foster parents mom and dad the only thing that happened that really did not make my dad too happy was when we took a vacation and we were going into Canada we got stuck at the border for over two hours while the border border patrol actually notified the state department the state department and notified State of Indiana and then they got a hold of the child welfare services and child adoption services and had to get additional documentation so that I could go with them out of the country for a couple days in the Canada it was a pain in the butt to deal with for over two hours and if the paperwork didn’t come through I would have actually been taken from the car and held at the border while somebody from Indiana will come up to pick me up to take me to another foster home luckily there wasn’t a lot of problems it was just one specific clerical error and paperwork that was the problem which was corrected immediately over the phone and luckily the Canadian authorities had no problem with letting us go through thank heavens it was no fun sitting there at the border for a long period of time when other cars were passing by us and I’m sitting there in the backseat kind of slumped down a bit feeling very embarrassed and feeling like I had done something wrong but they told me that none of it was my fault
See this is why I couldn't foster, I would not be able to tear siblings out of the same bed if they need each other for support or if one of them calls me Dad I have to deflect it. I'd be heartbroken lol
This seems extremely unfair on the child. So they just lose all bodily autonomy once they're in the foster care system? If they can't even get a haircut, how are they supposed to become independent adults?
I'm glad about not showing Foster kids on social media. The amount of people I've seen who use their family for clout is disgusting. I can imagine a lot of influencers would love Foster kids just to show them off but not help them in anyway. Like this rule
Went into care when i was 3, was only meant to be a weekend but its been 16 years now and im in permanent foster rather than adopted. Ive had maybe 2 sleepovers in my life but i have been to loads of camps and went to multiple countries with my skl to ski. (Live in scotland)
My concern with not allowing foster parents to get BC for foster kids is that BC is also just a normal medication. It's not just about preventing pregnancy. Acne, endo, pcos, severe periods, are treated with BC. Are teens in the foster system having to suffer with these conditions without treatment?
It sounded like you might be able to them birth control if you discuss the situation with the case worker. You, as the foster parent, couldn't make the final decision. That said, I feel bad for the kid needing to jump through so many hoops.
Now I really understand what people mean when they say our foster system is F'd up.
My mother had a licensed daycare in our home. When I turned 18, I had to get fingerprinted for a background check and all of that. Once I was cleared, I was allowed to babysit for foster parents in our area. I even got to go on vacation with a foster mom for a week at the beach. It was a cool and eye-opening experience.
I was fingerprinted at 12 because my mom fostered
In some states, minors can get birth control and abortions without parental consent. If a foster child went to Planned Parent and got birth control for herself, would that be a problem?
Probably not. It’s planned parent hood after all. They get special privileges
Morally no. That's a teen being responsible and doing what she can to keep herself safe and healthy. Legally is another thing
They wouldn't know she was a foster child unless she told them.
@@maze6797 Right but would it become a problem with the foster agency if they found out?
@@j.c.2240 I agree but my question was about the legality
Hey so, I have a quick question in regards to sleepovers, can a foster child sleep over at another foster child's home since that household will already have passed the background check? It makes me so incredibly saddened to think of all the key childhood memories that foster children already miss out on only to not be able to even sleepover at a friend's house or go to camp. Which I guess brings up another thought, why don't they have a nationwide sleepaway camp for foster children that could be managed and funded by the government? It would provide so much relief and enrichment to the kids and give them a week to just be kids around kids like themselves.
You can always host the sleepovers
Per Normlacy loaws passed by the Federal Government foster kids can attend sleepovers iv the foster parent used reasonable an prudent parenting to make the decision. All states must comply. The video is wrong on that point.
The cutting hair rule wasn't in place for when I was a foster child. There was a kid that had a bowel shaped haircut, and he got it shaved all off. The foster mom didn't have to ask the case worker.
I never had a problem with taking my foster kids on vacation. I got a letter from their caseworker approving me to take them over state lines, signed off by judge. I took them to Nebraska, Colorado and Iowa. We lived in Missouri. Then it didn't matter because legally they became my kids.
That's so great that you were able to do that! Especially since the judge signed off on it! my point in the video is that you can't take them with you without permission. You needed the judge's permission and the caseworker's approval. Once you got that, you were good to go
@@Lucrecebundy we have never once needed approval from anyone to take our foster kids out of state. We simply said where we are going, for how long, from when to when and here’s the address(s) we will be at. Never once have we had a problem in 6 years.
I've been interested in maybe being a foster parent for awhile now, and just happen to come across your video.
This was nice to get a sense on what to expect. All of these seem doable. The only one I would have trouble with is not being able to take them on a vacation. That's sad 😭
my dumb-ass thought this was about adopting a child, so they still with you the rest of their lives. Halfway through the video, she mentions the child eventually going back to their biological family.
Video makes a TON more sense now lmao
I adopted through an agency in CA and before the adoption was finalized we had to get written permission to take her out of the county. Not state, county. We had to get permission every time we went to visit my mother 45 minutes away. It took 2 years to finalize the adoption (which is way longer than average), so this was a huge hassle.
Interesting. What happens when kids do some of these things on their own like cutting their hair or getting their ears pierced. Older kids could also sneak out and have sleepovers, get birth control, or have abortions.
Some of these things vary by state. We are in process of being approved as foster parents here in WA state, and here there is an allowance for “normal childhood activities”. They got feedback from young adults who grew up in foster care, about how hard it was always having to miss out on things like after-school activities and sleepover parties, so special dispensation was added for typical childhood activities that are deemed fairly low-risk. So over here, they are allowed to be in after-school activities and sports (though caution is recommended for sports with a high likelihood of injury, such as football. They may be allowed but it’s recommended to talk to their caseworker and birth parents if they are still in the picture, to make sure everyone is on the same page, and if any minor injuries happen they need to be immediately documented and reported so everyone knows how they happened.) Play dates with school friends are typically allowed, and the friends’ families do not need to be background checked. Sleepovers are also usually allowed but foster parents are encouraged to be cautious and not allow your child to sleep over if they do not know the other family well. Group sleepover parties with known adult (preferably background checked) chaperones are recommended. Also, occasional weekend family trips are usually allowed (no more than 24 hours away from home I believe, or maybe it was 48 hours? I’ll have to double check) but of course it’s recommended that you make sure to communicate with the caseworker so they know where the child will be, and they have your cell phone number in case you need to be reached. But I am glad that nowadays foster kids do not have to miss out on all of these kinds of normal childhood activities.
Your best bet for sitters and respite care is to have someone in your family (someone that your children would also go to) get approved for respite. That way you don’t have to find someone new every time you want a date night or if you go on a trip and can’t take the kids with you.
There should be a protest or a petition to get these rules changed, these kids need help and the goverment wants to make it hard to help them.
This definitely varies state to state. My friend is very open about being a foster mom and posts her pictures of her foster babies all the time. She said she's fully allowed and they encourage so the foster children don't feel excluded. I also have a few friends who took their foster kids on vacation many times. I have also babysat my friends foster daughter. I was not background checked and it was totally OK
Me: 17 and not yet graduated from high school yet
Me: *still watches*
(I do want to be a foster parent when I'm older)
Me too! Some of these rules are ridiculous though...
Really interesting but I thought the sports stuff was odd. I figure skated and played soccer growing up and i broke many bones playing soccer but never got hurt ice skating. Soccer is a contact sport though. Strange that it's on the "safe" list based on this criteria.
i grew up ice skating and falling on the ice. hitting my head, caused many head/brain issues. neural issues, migraines, and balance issues. have many great memories from skating as a kid but the long term effects of head injuries is a problem. thankfully i think a lot more people wear helmets when learning to skate but not when i was a kid. i knew of a few people who broke their arms falling or even lost parts of fingers from getting their hands run over by other skaters. some are common sense issues, but mistakes happen. i also grew up riding horses and while i have never been seriously injured riding horses, that is DEF a sport that it only takes one bad fall to ruin a life. crazy how chance works differently for everyone, isnt it?
@@redhairgrneyes it is, there is definitely potential for injury in amy sport though. It was strange to me that soccer was considered a "safe" sport relative to skating. I personally witness a lot more injury from soccer (of myself and others) than i did skating. I fell a lot skating, never wore a helmet, but I also remember spending A lot of time learning how to fall safely from different positions. So I don't know. But I can't think of a sport that doesn't come with risk of injury. So I don't know how a distinction is made in terms of this video.
I remember my schools only field trip to an indoor ice rink. Two kids collided on the ice and when they fell one of the kid's skates hit the other in the face and cut him up really bad. School never did another ice rink field trip.
It was clear to me this woman didn't know of specific examples off of the top of her head, and so just guessed. I think she meant to say (American) football, rugby, wrestling, field hockey, etc.
I didn’t have a good experience w Foster care as a youngin, but I really want to foster and help reform the system when I am married and ready. Thanks for info.
When you're married you'll help? Oh brother
As a mom who recently got my children back from foster care I can say that a lot of these rules are not followed in North Carolina. My two youngest daughters had their ears pierced after I was asked and said “no please don’t” I wanted them to wait until they were older (10-13) to make that decision and really understand the responsibility of taking care of them, my girls were taken to New York without permission they were whooped by their foster mom when they misbehaved and no one cared no matter how hard I pushed no one would do anything about it!
Foster care and adoption are not the unicorn crystal palace they are presented as. I’m sorry your rights as a parent were violated. Just because somehow you got mixed up in the “system” doesn’t mean you are a bad parent or deserve to have your kids taken. I’m sorry this happened to you and your children and I hope you all are doing better now. Life is hard for everyone, hang in there.
I moved out a couple of years ago, and my parents decided to do foster care. One year for Halloween one of kids they had wanted go as Beast Boy and wanted to use a *temporary dye* that would wash out after one wash. Well the case worker came over the day I was helping him with his Beast Boy costume and saw me putting the dye in his hair, she went ballistic. I had to calmly explain that the dye would wash out after one wash... She still reported my parents.
Becouse your challenging Dady state
@@brendonrookes1151 She also didn't like me because I'm goth. Oh no I wear black all the time! What has the world come to!
@@katefresina832 yeah the goverment are filled with useless ppl i mean honestly if half cps stalf lost there job they would be fucked un hireable and then theres the fact that cps takes kids from bad households puts them in good houses only to tell the "good " parents how to raise the child why bother puting him / her in some one else home if ur gona tell them how to parent
With rules like this it's no wonder foster kids tend to come out worse than they went in, when you're in the system you aren't a person you're an object, and they do everything in their power to remind you of that. The foster care rules are the number one reason I never let anyone report my parents abuse, I picked not eating over being in foster care every day for years. At least living with my abusive "parents" I got to see my boyfriend.
I dont see how birth control, which is basic health care, should be restricted simply because someone not currently responsible for their care feels weird about it... it's healthier to discuss this decision with the child's doctor....
Birth control has some really bad side effects
@@hayleymarse2853 So can literally any medicine. Birth control can help to regulate periods and help with cramp pains. It is basic healthcare and the decision should be up to a doctor.
@@kattttt9585 the problem is, birth control masks symptoms of bigger issues. Hormonal birth control isn’t really safe for teenagers to be on unless there is a serious need. It helps to regulate periods and manage pain but there are other ways to do that. Hormonal birth control can damage fertility. Messing with hormones is really not something you want to do to a child if it can be avoided. Another commenter is in the foster care system and a previous home forced them to be on birth control and after she and another girl refused, it was used as an excuse to take away basic necessities and make them have a really early bedtime and they were eventually forced to take it. Obviously there are a lot of really amazing foster families but there are also bad ones who are going to make their foster teens take birth control. If it’s a serious need, the family can discuss it and I’m sure it would be allowed for things like endometriosis
@@hayleymarse2853 I can see where you’re coming from in the second part of your comment, but it’s false that hormonal birth control can cause fertility problems. I really suggest you look into that because reputable sources say that it doesn’t. Please be careful before spreading blatantly inaccurate information online because it seriously damaging.
@@hayleymarse2853 your comment proves the point that the decision should be up to a doctor and not a random person like yourself
there is no reason this should be in my recommended, but here we are
Same bro
I watched some foster kittens vids a while back. *shrug*
Reasonable and Prudent Parenting has changed a lot of these rules. So that foster kids can have a more "normal" situation. Different states interpret it differently, but it is a federal mandate.
Yes! I was hoping someone would write this. I am in MA and we live by Reasonable and Prudent Parenting... so check with your state and county to confirm whether these tips are true or not.
Have a talk with them so they don’t feel like they’re left out? Ummm... they are left out. Why convince them to not feel bad about it? That sounds manipulative.
Good video though! Very new information to me!
I live in Ireland and our foster system is SO different,one of my best friends was in foster care she was aloud have sleepovers go on holidays overseas and in Ireland with my family (we had to get Garda check for that) she was aloud get piercings,cut her hair all that no problem the only think she had to get permission for was birth control but only because she was under 18 like every other child. Crazy how things are different but a lot of what you said does make sense
I was in foster care for much of my childhood in Colorado. You never feel at home. You feel alone and not part of anything. Outcasted. As if you yourself have done something wrong as opposed to your parents. You’re treated as a black sheep. And you can distinctly tell the difference between yourself and the foster homes bio kids. Foster care wrecked my confidence and shattered my mental health. It took me many years to recover from that. I was almost safer with my mom who had tried to kill me when drugged out. I never felt so tainted as I did while in foster care. I was treated like a young convict. As if some monster would pour out of me at any moment.
I’m fine now, but I have definitely struggled with feeling like I belong in this world and I didn’t feel that way until I entered foster care.
Also, I went to the Royal Family Kids camp. We did talent shows, made ice cream, did arts and crafts, etc. It was one of the best times of my life. I loved it. I was with kids like myself and it helped.
I'm going through this n the same state too!
I'm not interested in having kids in any capacity but I'm so glad I found this channel, thank you so much for making this channel. Such an important subject and it's so important to get right
these over zealous rules are why people adopt over seas. whats crazy is all of these rules and kids still get abused in foster care. Its terrible that they get essentially punished why their parents get to go do drugs
These are only short-term rules that go away once the adoption is finalized.
@@performancephd1547 sometimes they never can get adopted though, so this happens for years. Even with a family that wants to adopt it isn't just a few months or something like that unless you are extremely lucky. She even says in the video "foster care is about bringing the kid back to their parents."
@@hoykfnvnnesnxnnensncjforkx1616 it depends on the state. In some states foster-to-adopt is a separate system from reunification fostering. In those states, it usually takes a year or less after successful placement. Either way, these rules really do protect the kiddos way more than they can hurt as long as everyone involved communicates the reasons.
This is about foster care, not adoption. Adopting from foster care is typically easier and less costly than international adoption. Once those kids are adopted the parents can raise them how they like, but as long as they aren’t their legal parents, rules must be followed. And a lack of adequate regulations is why many countries have begun to ban international adoptions. Many of the countries people used to be allowed to adopt children from no longer allow it because too many children have been hurt. The rules are there to protect kids.
When it comes to birth control I get the foster carers shouldn’t make the decision but like with an illness the case workers should make an exceptional a doctor prescribes birth control. Meaning you should be able to take the Forster kid to the doctor and if the doctor thinks the teenagers should be on birth control then they should be able to get it. After all why should the Forster child suffer (especially if they are in a lot of pain). If it was any other reason then you would not be allowed to let them suffer. If a doctor does not think it is right to give a child/teen birth control then they will have to accept that but if a doctor thinks it is right then it should be final. However I do not think permanent/long term solutions should be used (e.g. implants).
Especially if dysmennorhea causes an iron deficiency.
I totally agree. I have PCOS and when I'm not on birth control I'm in horrible agony.
Also why should a CHILD be FORCED to change their bodies in a major way & give birth to a unwanted child while they themselves are still not-fully developed themselves?? That’s just evil. Also abusive parents (let’s say the dad who got her pregnant-) use this to further abuse their own child.
@@maryfoxx6019 agreed. The birth parents should NOT be given the choice over birth control it should be in the hands of the doctors & social workers. Birth parents may get a choice in their children’s hair style & piercings (from religious purposes to how they expect them to look when they visit encase they can get their children back) but why should they get a choice over their children’s natural development and health? By putting the choices of menstruation and birth control in the hands of birth parents who may well have abuse the children int eh first place you are taking control of their bodies away from the children themselves & no one should have a say over their bodies but themselves. Taking birth control does not change the look of a child so why should it be int he hands of the birth parents? If it’s for a good reason (e.g. a relic us reason) then fair enough but then the social workers should know about these things and could step in but if a doctor says it’s ok then a doctors word should be final. If a kid had cancer and they said to shave off a kids hair because it was falling out anyway it would be done no questions asked so why not the same for contraception?
@@EmilyCheetham -even if it’s for “religious reasons”.. that can always be used as an excuse. Moreso when it’s religious people (men) use that as an excuse to r^pe children, including their own & those types are usually very strongly against women or girls having any form of rights. -so I wouldn’t even allow for “religious” reasons to not allow a child in foster care to have BC or abortions.
As a girl myself (woman) having anyone other than myself have control over my body is terrifying- Moreso if they’re religious.
I understand #8, but it still made me feel like crap. All I knew was that their "actual" daughter was able to cuddle and feel safe with them in their bed after having a nightmare, whereas when I did, I had to go back to my bed and try to go back to sleep, knowing they would leave me after I did and go back to their own bed. I was 7+, so they didn't give me an explanation as to WHY either.
i want to adopt when im old enough so when i saw this video in my recommended i knew i had to watch it
My parents were foster parents and we were able to take one of my foster brothers on vacation with us. The other one wasn’t allowed to come. ☹️ I guess they did it on a case based.
I don’t know why I’m watching this because *I am currently* a foster kid (17), maybe it’s just because her voice is soothing.
When you say that reunification is the eventual goal...that just breaks my heart. Because the system around this area doesn't seem to know that. They just like stealing kids for no reason and trying to adopt them out by making up lies against the actual parent....
I guess certain rules are different in each state. I have always been able to take my foster children to Universal Studios and Disney world in Florida. I love providing the experience. Also on one of my foster daughters, I asked if she could get her ears pierced and the answer was Sure. But this video was very informative. Thank you for this.
I'm curious if these rules are strict until the kids are 18? It feels like a 14 year old should be allowed to choose their own hair style. Also, I really appreciate the rundown on these rules.
Don't worry about that. By age 12 most are moved to group homes... about 4 or 5 kids in a home. Strict homes or very loose homes where you come and go as you pls and if u miss dinner u don't eat. If u aren't in by 9 ur locked out. Regular foster homes are for under 12. Only if u have a good foster home would u stay past 12 anyways. So freedom as a teen yes. They've basically given up on kids by then. I speak from experience.
In our state, we can take our foster kids on vacation (and we did out of state). In fact our agency encourages that vs. sending the child to respite, so that they feel a part of your family fun. We do need to give them a notice and ask for permission (and we did that one month before the trip). We took our FS to the beach, his first time, and he had a BLAST!
It is soo sad they cant even sleep with their siblings. What if they are scared!
Oops he crawled into bed with his brother to sleep
@@YeshuaKingMessiah ok?
The most surprising for me and most unrealistic is co-sleeping!
It’s not only unrealistic but especially with siblings it could be traumatic separating them!
That breaks my heart!
I know me too! It's for safety reasons.
Its extremely dangerous to co-sleep
I always allowed my little ones to sleep in the same bed and the agency was well aware. It brought them comfort all they had was each other!! No way was I going to separate them. Ridiculous rule especially for children 5 and under.
@@NoLongerHisBabyGirl why?
As someone who is really considering foster parenting in 2022 this video was extremely helpful. Provide lots of insight into the nature of the foster parent/our relationship. Thank you so much
The foster parents shouldn't have the final say on if a kid is on birth control or gets an abortion, and neither should the biological parents. Neither should have any say. Foster kids, like any kids, deserve bodily autonomy. This also applies to haircuts. Obviously younger children tend to just follow whatever the parental figures instruct about what haircuts they get and how often, but if any kid at any point decides they want to dramatically dye or cut their hair, that's totally fine. Same with piercing their ears, or getting a tattoo since I am guessing this also would be an issue.
There was a foster child in my church until the birth parent suddenly said she wasn't allowed to come to our church. Like, the birth parent isn't allowed to have her child because of neglect (and possibly straight up abuse, I don't know all the details), but she's allowed to dictate what church the child can go to??? And the kid was a toddler, it's not like she was being converted or baptized or anything. She was sitting in the nursery playing with toys and eating snacks!
The vacation part is a state by state basis because I took my foster kids on a cruise with us. We went to court and asked the judge and asked the bio parent and they all said yes. Also, the mom and dad thing in Florida they don't have a rule against that. It's better if they make that decision on their own,but there are definitely no rule that says no you can't in Florida.
I have started the process to adopt a child from the foster care system, this was definitely eye opening. I just requested to join your Facebook group and I’m grateful I found you! Great video.
Wonderful!
I worked at a camp in Iowa called Lakeview Camp. They work with an Angel Tree program, in which all the campers have one or two parents in prison (thus, many of them are in the foster system). It's an amazing, amazing camp. The staff is so loving, the activities are fun, and many of the counselors were Angel Tree kids themselves. Changed my life. Send your kids here!! (They also have camps for non-Angel Tree kids, as well!)
This is so sad 😭😩 like you try to give them a normal life but you can’t do anything? What the heck.
yea it kind of scares me off fostering. I would love to provide a kind and loving home to someone who needs it but I am not ok being some freak family under a magnifying glass.
That's why I'll be adopting and not messing around with foster care
i was a foster child for 9 YEARS of my life and aged out and all the people involved in foster care say that they want the child to have a normal life but with all of these rules there will never be a normal for that child also it gets us bulled in school to no be able to do all the things the other kids can do its not fair that our parent mess up but in all honesty we are the ones paying for it we dont get to be children and i do believe that a lot of thigs need to change
And I can say just by seeing you make this video you are miles different from any home I was in
In MN foster kids can go to camp and go on sleep overs under the prudent parenting guidelines. You can also have babysitters without a background check as long at it does not exceed 72 hours at a time or over 30 days throughout a calendar year. These are mn rules.
In Canada also. Camps are HUGE here for foster kids to give the parents a break and govt. Pays.
So glad I found this video. You have such a calm personality and seem like such a wonderful person!
My partner and myself have started the process of being a foster family and some of these tips have scared us about becoming one.
Not being able to take a child on vacation.. we live in Southern California where weekend visits to the mountains, desert, or close city are a regular occurrence(for us almost every weekend).
Also the no co sleeping rule. I understand the need for all these rules, they just seem to make it hard for the child to feel comfortable in a new home.
These are some crazy facts I had no idea about. Especially cutting their hair without their permission.
Don't touch a kids hair
@@lawrenceespinoza4931
there's always grey areas.
What if there's a lice outbreak in school, and they get infested.
lwhat if the kid actually wants a haircut.
What if they wanted a haircut and couldn't get it , so they tried to cut their own hair, should it stay a choppy mess?
Here in Canada many aboriginal parents who lose their kids flip out if u cut the child's hair. They say it's bc of their culture and we are taking that away if they get their hair cut...so boys have long hair in a braid.
Trips would be so therapeutic, and fun, what life should be.
I will say as a veteran foster mom that the hair thing can be on a case by case basis. Example: I had a Caucasian child placed in my care who, due to neglect, had a head full of lice so in this case, it was more a health and safety concern for our family and home. This is great info❤
These rules are straight up horrifying. Some of them are very clearly for the benefit of the child, but some are so stifling and against the child's autonomy that I can't imagine them as anything except dehumanizing for them.
I’ve seen a lot of questions about adopted children. My mom fostered for 9 years and adopted my brother (I’m the biological child). Once the adoption was complete, he had the same freedoms that I do.( Not exactly, he’s 11 now and I’m 19, but that’s just like any other sibling group) He can get his hair cut, we’ve been on multiple vacations, we drove from Texas to Pennsylvania to drop me off at college, basically the only thing we don’t do is talk about his original case. He also used to play soccer and is seriously considering trying out for cross country.
I was only away from my parents for a weekend, but it was Mothers Day. My friend offered to let me spend the day with her and her mom (in a public place with supervision) and they wouldn't let me. I was also separated from my brother. Worst weekend of my life.
I’m a foster parent in Canada. We have pretty much all the same rules.
i can understand not piercing a kid's ears, but a kid's reproductive health should not have to be filtered through someone who has been deemed unfit to raise them, especially since once a kid is old enough to need it, they are old enough to make the decision themselves