Yes, and we restarted our friendship a few years later. Guess what? Same problems of me doing the most to maintain connection. I realized it’s totally okay to love someone from afar, avoiding pain and drama. Ultimately, people have to decide if the cost is worth their own happiness.
Finding oneself being the o Lu one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢
When I remarried, my two good friends stopped wanting to be friends. Looking back, they both appeared jealous that I was able to pick up my life after a tragedy. I think they liked being in recue mode. I mourned this loss for two years. The timing was bad because I was trying to feel the joy of my new marriage while feeling so sad inside. My spouse was very understanding. I wish it had been different.
Had a childhood friend who I adored and could always fall back on. After graduating and moving states, she stopped replying and answering my messages. I was going down a deep spiral of depression and would occasionally dream about her past self when we were in school. I would always cry in these dreams and ask her why she ignored me but she’d never answer even though I’d be in front of her. I’d wake up and be in tears or horribly depressed. Recently though, I finally moved on and in my last dream she came to me to apologize but I ignored her and walked away. After waking up I felt so free of the grief and I wasn’t emotional. Even my own subconscious agreed that it was over and gave me that closure. ❤
I got rid of myself from toxic friend group composed of narcissists, addicts, enablers, and flying monkeys. I suffered for a while, but now I enjoy solitude. 😊
Love this. In some ways the enablers and flying monkeys are more toxic than the narcissists. Friendship groups are the worst and most people are best kept at a distance with solid boundaries.
I’ve let go of many friendships as I realized it was a one sided relationship. I’d be the one mostly reaching out and I found myself doing only what they wanted to do. It was easy to let go, I just stopped contacting them. It was sad to realize that I didn’t have real friends but I feel better having made the decision to let them go
Being one sided in the friendship, we don't realize that it is only us holding it together, once we let the other person to reach out, there is no response, so it naturally falls apart. It is better to be aware and notice if the other side is trying to reach out too.
This is me all the time, always the one doing more! Also decided to stop allowing such lopsided friendships, now I only give not any more energy than I get!
Sadly after being abused by my family of origin I went out in the world and made trauma bonds with abusive people who reminded me of my family. It took decades and lots of therapy to realize this. Once I started putting up healthy boundaries with people all the trauma bond friends broke up with me in a big dramatic way- and for my own peace and sanity I let them go. I'm a lot more cautious when making friends, I almost prefer to be alone these days.
I went through a friendship break up at the end of 2023. I let go of 2 friends and 2 acquaintances. It was all the reasons you noted. I grieved for almost one year and still think about it sadly. I felt like a total failure AND I had shame. 😮 Now that I am over it….it is so hard to put myself out there and make new friends. Going to a church event now for women only. Hoping to make good solid connections.
Appreciate you sharing about your recent experiences with friendship break ups. Holding vision that you will make some new friends and connections soon. 🙏
@@rosamoreno4794 I'm going through this now with multi decade friendships. I feel you! I'm trying to reach out and put myself out there, but I encounter people just as broken as I am who don't want to get better. There have to be healthy people out there somewhere! Best of luck at the church event. I hope you can find some good souls to bond with.
It is heartbreaking for sure, but time heals. Don't beat yourself about it, because some of this relationship are not meant to be. I had an aquintance acting crazy, and out of the blue she blocked me because I didn't immediately respond to her crazy demands on FB. I didn't even see the message immediately. So within an hour she blocked me on FB. I was surprised but relieved for her to be gone out of my life. After few months she wrote me how am I doing, because she must have blocked me by mistake🤨😂😂😂 I wrote her that she did that on purpose, and to stay away. Blocked her myself. I am looking for peace in my life and anyone who tries to disturb it will be cut out😉 Hopefully you find nice friends, but we say that it is the "darkest under the light", so personally I wouldn't look for them in the church...But to each their own. Good luck.
You’re not alone and you’re not a failure. Trust! I’m in this space with you and it is so sad and tough and some days I just want to isolate myself but it is brave to keep showing up and going out into the world. Your true friends are searching and waiting for you too ❤️
This is so integral to healing. We attract friends with worldviews similar to our own at the time, and when one person evolves and the other does not it causes this kind of tension. I have to say that there are people out there who don't want to take responsibility for their own healing or make positive changes...and they don't want anyone else doing it, either. I was met with this kind of resistance when I began to be very intentional with the way I was living, was working through past trauma, and overall trying to be the most peaceful version of myself. Sometimes you just have to move on and not feel guilty over it.
I agree. I consciously put in so much time into reflecting, correcting as many of my flaws as possible (it's a neverending process), growing and maturing and I found myself not being compatible with most of my old friends like I was 15 years ago. It's sad and scary but it's time for some new better aligned relationships
Very well said. You described what I’ve been through this year to a T! Not feeling guilty is something I’ve wrestled with for a while but when it’s time to leave there’s no fighting it and it doesn’t help to take their journey personally. Thank you so much for sharing and validating how I have felt. 🙏 blessings to you🦋
I last year grew apart from a friend I started to feel drained from our interactions and I realized that the relationship didn't feel healthy or aligned to me. She recently messaged me a day ago out of the blue and apologized about some disagreements we had last year and cleared the air. But I could feel that same pattern and energy of feeling drained from that interaction even online. ❤ Even though there's no hard feelings between us I don't feel aligned to reconnecting at the moment.
Thanks for speaking about this because I have felt that there is something wrong with me to have NO friends anymore. I've gone through more friendships breakups than romantic breakups throughout my life and for some reasons seem unable to maintain friends. I can make them pretty easily but keeping them is the hard part. Most of my friends and I drifted apart rather than having conflict/falling out. A lot of friends moved away and have become acquaintances on social media rather than friends (I don't do long-distance relationships of any type); some friends faded out of my life when they became parents because I am childless and they only had time for other mom friends. Then most recently, my remaining friends faded out of my life after I stopped drinking/partying 6 years ago. Other than my husband and a few family members, I have no relationships in my life. I no longer want to bother with friends and would rather focus on my career, family and hobbies.
I agree wholeheartedly. Just disappearing feels disrespectful. To me, it feels important to honor the time and connection we shared with them by being honest if it doesn't feel good or healthy anymore. It gives both parties a chance for closure. Depending on the reason for ending the friendship, it might even give a chance to make changes that could save, even improve it. I had a friend pretend I didn't exist when we saw one another at a party, then text me saying they had some issues. This was a long standing friendship and it hurt so deeply that they hadn't bothered to tell me or give me a chance to address the problem. I would've been willing to fix my side, but I don't know if the wound caused by what they did to avoid talking about it can be fixed. It certainly didn't feel like the behavior of a friend. Very dehumanizing. I think one could approach the conversation by starting out acknowledging what you appreciate about the person and the friendship. Then go into how you're feeling about it now, without any blame or judgement, just sticking to your own feelings, experience and needs. Tell them that you still respect, care about and want the best for them (if that's true, of course). And that the friendship isn't serving you and you think they deserve your honesty about that. If you're open to them addressing the issues leading you to want to end it, give them that chance and ask for what you need. If not, maybe just give a chance for them to share their feelings and see what you both need for closure.
@presentfuture7563 Thanks for asking. I'm usually the one left with no end. I've said to people I hope we can have a conversation if something is wrong or needs to be discussed if it is going to threaten the relationship. I'm generally pretty open to people wanting to take a step back relationshipwise if they say so. In short, I do not try to argue with a decision. I'll apologize most times and try to respect the decision. In some relationships, I've said people can back out at any time, just let me know (so I do not ruminate, which I have a problem with). Therapy has taught me that I have blindspots so I try to understand I can be a challenge as others challenge me. To your point, I try not to be confrontational and most ppl are defensive so there is confrontation as they get defensive when being separated from. I think communication in the moment is most important as it allows for apologies or understanding. And if someone leaves without saying a thing, I chalk it up to them, and they are not being honest with me about their hurts I did to them. But people just disappearing or not responding can be very hurtful to the other, even though they do not want to hurt you or they feel like it is easier for them. Everyone does things for a reason. If anyone were to return I'd be polite and if they pushed for a closer relationship I would share my feelings about what happened and what I wanted out of a friendship (something more open and communicative to avoid hurt and to apologize for slights).
@@bensweiss Thanks. I've been on both sides of this equation, and honestly, I'd almost rather be the one being let go. The thing about having CPTSD is that you don't always make the best relationship choices, and if you're a people-pleaser, it can be pretty difficult to back out. I wish everyone responded the way you do.
What was not talked about was when friends decide to leave you. The video focused on friends that make decisions to end friendships not the other way around. Would like a video that helps with the hurt of being left behind without explanation😢
absolutely, my friend and I broke up 2 years ago and I'm still grieving but I've come to the realisation that we weren't compatible and the friendship had become very toxic on both sides. I wasn't putting as much effort in and she was being emotionally coesive. We still talk every now and then but I'm too afraid of her to be close friends again. Once you see someones worst behaviour it's off putting
Forty years of friendship, with some gaps. Lost track for a while then heard bits and pieces. Friend later came back strong as my best friend, but my gut said otherwise. Why, this person had trauma (refused any type of clinical care or therapy) l got tired of hearing about all the trauma and old memories without moving forward, more then that was the immature gossip which l heard from this person about everyone else in the community. I finally said your the gossip not anyone else. After the breakup l got a letter said l was the problem. We've never spoke again.
I hate breaking up with friends. No matter what you say the ‘friend’ will take it as an insult and feel hurt and rejected. The best is to stop giving them your time. Eventually they’ll leave you alone and hopefully find another friend.
@@jenniferlanders5741You have to work at creating your own closure. I’d personally rather do that than listen to somebody’s patronising reason as to why.
@queenneurotica4591 Well of course you have to do it yourself, as you know your relationship best.. and I am not sure how you get patronizing from the shares she gives. They're just tips.
I'm in my 60's and started making new friends a few months ago. Still weeding the unhealthy ones out but the balance is tipped in favour of nourishing connections now. 😊
This is so important to talk about! The most important relationships have been my friends. I have had to give up several friends because they came into my life at a time when I wasn't mentally healthy. In the process of healing it became chrystal clear that they weren't good for me. I'd known one for 30 years! This was so painful and every source of information was about romantic relationships. For a while I felt completely lost and on my own and it was hard to navigate without information. Thanks for taking the time to talk about this!!
I am so grateful to you, you are one of the safe spaces where I truly feel seen, heard and understood. Thank you so very much for your service to the C-PTSD community (and everybody). I am also a licensed therapist but have more work to do on myself before I begin to actually practice. Maybe soon I will feel strong enough to ethically treat others and to utilize my education. Much, much gratitude.
A friend of over 20 yrs😢. Recently and it was both of us, overwhelmed with our own lives....challenging bc I seperated from my husband as well.. one day at a tjme and yes, grieving...and moving forward❤❤❤❤❤
Sometimes the changes seem to come all at once ❤ there’s a chance your friend may come back into your life in the future .. in a way it doesn’t matter if they do or don’t, you can imagine life as being timeless - the love you have for them lasts forever. For now all these changes are making space for growth, new experiences and wonderful discoveries ❤❤❤
I Love all of your videos. Yup, I'm not the brightest color in the box or the most fun person in the room. I've just had people disappear on me with no explanation. Sometimes I have no idea why. Other times they don't want any apologies. . .maybe I've pushed them to the edge. On the other hands. . . My friend and I have organically drifted apart because our lives are so different (big one - me, single; them, married with kids) and that's easy to understand. On the foot, I already have got both hands, I finally woke up and saw how I was being used as a sounding board, a purse holder, a confidant and etc. with none of the same for me. I have PTSD and am on the autism spectrum so it's really frightening and difficult for me to reveal my deep truths. So not being able to say my truth, I just made myself gradually disappear over time. At one point after that realization, I found myself with no friends. It was so lonely. Thank you so much for addressing this.
Thanks for the video :) been going through some friendship breakups (as well as a romantic breakup) as I learn to stand up for myself and become a kinder, healthier person and don’t allow people to abuse me anymore. I’ve been lonely lately and putting myself out there is incredibly difficult. But this video has been both helpful and validating!
I had 2 friends, had great friendship with them for years but war made us go to the different countries. We live so far from each other now and I feel I do not know what we can talk about, we have only past left between us. That is why I desided to call sometimes in a while to check with them and do not bother each other with the same questions and an akward silence after that. I am not feeling sad or bad about that, I am a mature woman with 2 sons and having many responsibilities. I focuse on my life in a new country and I have to go further, not looking back. I believe, if there is something good ended, another good thing is going to happen. So, I wish to all of you stay happy and enjoy your life, God will always send the right people in our life.
I don’t have any friends. But I feel like I’m currently in a breakup with my oldest friend. I think she feels like she is always the one reaching out to me first. And she would be correct. But it wasn’t always like that. My friend is very successful and married with kids. I am married but I don’t have kids, nor have I been as successful career wise. When I would reach out to her 1st, she never seemed to have time. When we would go out or call each other, it was always sandwiched between other obligations. This wasn’t the problem. I could totally empathize with her hectic schedule. The problem came in when I would see her posting on FB her outings with other friends. She would even travel to see friends when I lived walking distance for a while. So that is why I stopped reaching out first. But I’m sure she feels that I am the one not meeting HER halfway. Also, I was always very supportive of her (truthfully. I think I have always been the friend to whom ppl could vent bc I am a good listener, I don’t interrupt and I am always very sympathetic). But the conversations were primarily focused on her life. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood (I have social anxiety for which I’m sure she is not aware though we’ve been friends since we were 13) and I have a lot of depression. But she doesn’t interact with me like I might have wounding (she’s very confident and assertive) and I don’t want to lay my problems at her door so I just pretend that I’m not struggling. But at the moment, she hasn’t reached out in a long while and doesn’t respond when i text her. She has an abundance of friends so probably could care less. But yes, it is as painful as a romantic breakup.
It's a bummer when you apologise for your role but the other person just agrees and doesn't own their part. I guess that's a confirmation that leaving was for the best. Personally, I think I need to stop apologizing
Even though I know outgrowing relationships is a part of life, it still feels wrong. I don't think we'd grieve if it wasn't somehow. I remember someone saying " Hearts weren't made to be borrowed." And they're right. Friendships are meant to last, but they don't, because we live in a fallen world and we let our egos get in the way.
Thank you as always for the work you do!!! I’m resonating deeply with this topic and quite honestly feeling it towards friendships AND family members …
I always vent on social media it's my outlet and it helps me feel so much better. I don't care anymore. My feelings are real, and how someones actions affected me in the moment was so real. I have a bad habit of minimizing things in myself so having that evidence, being able to look back and see how someone affected me, is a great reminder why i no longer speak to them or why i deserve better or that I'm not crazy, it really was that bad!
Finding oneself being the only one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢 However, may I add, please look out for signs there’s something wrong with the other person…meaning are they going through a depression from a rough experience? Have they began to change in some odd way? Find out, because they may be bury something they’re dealing with and need your support & understanding. Not your absence (which will feel like abandonment).
If u feel uncomfortable when u go to visit a friend, its ur intuition telling u to get out. I had a friend l'd known since school. After leaving school, life happened & different things took place in my life, compared to hers. When together, before having children, she always seemed to make bad choices & somehow thought it was ok. I usually got involved bcuz l was her friend. I ended the friendship last year bcuz l had become intolerant of her boozing & injuring herself from falling over, the watching of narcissistic programmes on tv, & the digs at me about silly, insignificant things that happened when we were teenagers, which worried me that she was hanging on to. The final straw came when she looked openly happy that my son was being rude to me in front of her at her house. I decided right there she was no longer a friend but someone l should be wary of & my intuition had been correct for quite some time. When somethings done, its done. Move on.
Phoe, I could use some advice on this. I feel like I've outgrown the lifelong friendship with my cousin. We've had a rocky patch about 2 years back, where I finally "came out" about my feelings of no longer being able to carry on with the friendship the way it always was. My cousin reacted wonderful and is really open about trying to mend things. She's doing her best, but I still feel like it's not enough. For example: she is trying to be there for me, but keeps misinterpreting me, which hurts my feelings in the end, and no amount of explaining myself seems to solve this problem. So now I'm in a state in which I on one hand softly want to distance myself, and at the other hand I really want to honor and don't want to be ungrateful for how much she has tried to make everything right again. I would love to repay all the love and effort that she has given me, but at the same time I feel like I don't have anything to give anymore. I feel like the villain. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And all of this is so much more difficult because we are family, so we wíll see each other ánd other people would really like us to continue our friendship. What to do? I've done a lot of soul searching the past two years, and discovered a lot, but still have not solved this problem.
Thank you for this comforting video. I had a close friendship that fell away over the past few years and I'm still unsettled about it. Kind of stuck in some resentment, and not sure what to do with it. Listening to this gave me a bit of perspective.
I had an experience about breaking up with a friend... She was a long time friend, a decade of friendship. But, I chose to finally break things up because of my sentiments that turned into resentment from having to never bring it up over the years after, somehow, we thought we finally settled and fixed in our friendship. But, no, I was too much of a coward and a chronic people-pleaser back then to truly speak my mind.. I know it was hard for her that I suddenly brought up something that she thought would never be brought up again. But, I just cannot take the kind of dynamic I was in, anymore. I know that I broke up with her so that I can move forward, heal, get away from something that is toxic, and finally, have a chance to discover myself because I have spent all my life putting others first than myself. But even now, I think, she might have not gotten over the way I broke up with her, still. I want to let her know that it's not her fault... It's almost a year now when that happened, but, I feel like I am stilll not emotionally equipped to have a conversation with her, again.
This is so helpful and reassuring to hear. Thank you from my heart as someone recovering from a friend breakup this year. This content is deeply needed and resources can feel scarce on how to heal. Cutting cords has helped me personally to feel free and like I’m truly letting go of the connection that didn’t serve either of us for over a year. I feel like I don’t know who I am around other people anymore and it can be hard for me to connect even if it does seem like we’re a good match and we have aligned values and compatible energies. Being patient takes time. Blessings and love to everyone here trying their best to move on and heal ❤
A friend who I used to speak on the phone with weekly for over a year after becoming in-person friends when we lived in the same city became unavailable after about a year of regular communication. After a month of no reply to my message, I expressed if weekly was too much in the new year, how about monthly or quarterly. She said she wanted to play it by ear and it's been 9 months without any word. I wish she had been more forthcoming about ending or pausing the friendship and I don't feel emotionally safe enough to ask for clarity or re-engage with her.
Thank you Nicole for talking about this topic! This is the video Ive been searching for a long time, and the words of confirmation I needed to hear on my outgrowing friendships. Thanks for your work! ❤
if you dont already follow patrick teahan, he makes tons of videos on youtube on breaking up with family and is a great resource to have when you are feeling guilty about it.
I came here to say Patrick Teahan as well ❤ I don’t know how close the family member is but it’s tough .. I just want to send some supportive energy your way to stay strong in your decision and if you can maybe sit with the guilt (feel it in your body and allow it) without going into any story. Feel the guilt and see if you can notice any shift? If you weren’t feeling guilty - what would you be feeling? The guilt might be something that’s keeping you from other feelings or stories. I hope this advice isn’t overstepping but I’ve been going through this and I thought I’d share some thoughts that might help. I think the guilt doesn’t belong to you and it’s maybe covering something else/a strategy to stop you from feeling other things. Big love
For me, I have a hard time talking about my mental health with my friends that I’ve known since high school. And the hardest part is wanting to break up with one friend while staying friends with others in my friend circle without it being super awkward. The reason being that I can be myself around some friends but it’s hard to open up to another friend who have shown themselves to be judgmental in the past and who haven’t done the healing work themselves and chasing that picture-perfect life with their husband and kids. I want to stay in touch but I also want a friend who can be real with me. I figure that our values have changed a lot since our marriages or that our friendship was always on a more superficial level than I would’ve liked.
I have some friends since childhood who accept me. I don't see them very often but we touch base at times. Sometimes it's the stress of life in the way. I have also had some intense, toxic friendships. Those ones were painful & felt like breakups. I still wanted to connect with then on some level but I needed to also remember it worsened my mental health & kept triggering PTSD. I found it helpful to process some of these complex online friendships by writing memoir, almost like a novel. To process the emotions I shut down. Also, to reframe with some of the amusing parts. The ups & downs, drama etc actually can make an amusing story.
Girlfriend friendships can be complex. We go through seasons of life if we have children, newly married, or through a death etc. People change. I don't know if it's necessarily "growth." Trauma bonds are the worst. I realized with a recent friend that we were BOTH trauma bonded. She had absolutely no ability for introspection and I have the desire to share to people I'm close to. She had no problem sharing with me about her husband's affairs, her son's choice of bad lovers,,etc, but didn't want to hear anything about my life. Thanks to "doing the work," I realized it before her emotional abuse got worse. I feel a huge weight off my back and no more knot in my stomach when she called. She exploded at me and ended the friendship herself. The feeling was mutual. I will never again bond with others who show signs of unhealed trauma. Yes we are all broken people with levels of trauma. But growing people want healing and healthy friendships. Your book has been a lifesaver I am working through slowly (bc it's painful work), but methodically. 🙌
Gracias por regalarnos esta sección, estoy pasando por esto hace meses y es mentalmente es desgastante pero confío que con sus palabras podré salir adelante
How do you breakup with a whole group of friends who get together once a month for over 20 years? I have nothing in common with these women except the past. I don't want to hurt their feelings but at the same time I've been feeling for years I should end this. What's the best way to tell them kindly?
Be honest and use I statements/non-violence communication. Remember, you can only your best to deliver the news kindly, you cannot control their emotions or how they react.
I'm doing this right now. I'm just mostly drained. It's like listening to a broken record and they refuse to do anything about it. It's been 10 yrs and I feel bad, but I don't want to talk to her at this point 😕 She's an emotional vacuum
I've broken up with 2 friends I've had for over 30 years. One had been a long time coming, one was fairly sudden. I'm sad about it but I don't miss either one of them.
I broke up with a friend I'd had for about 15 years 5 years ago. At the time I was already going through a big loss as my mother had recently died, and in the wake of it I was making some changes in my life. Losing one of my most important friendships too was not part of the plan, but this friend and his gf could not understand what I was going through or why I was changing. Instead they just thought I went a little nuts and would not support me in my new goals. It poisoned any time we spent together, and it was really not what I expected after having known each other for so long. I know that breaking up was the right choice but it really hurt, I grieved for about a year at least and I still think about it sometimes. I have made some new friends since but I find it harder to do so now that I'm in my late 30s. It's different from making friends in high school...
Got ghosted by a best girlfriend and it’s been really devastating. I was overcoming codependency and can see how it went sort of but still saddened by it all. Still left with uncertainty
Just what I needed, broke up with my friend twice and did not speak for a year, came together for two years now and was emotionally manipulated, she is very demanding it’s draining, last week she judged me, felt shocked and emotionally drained ……I’m done that’s it 😢
a great video! another good one would be : is it a break up or a break thru? Sometimes staying in the game when it gets tough takes you to the next level. How do differentiate?
What if the friendships have slowly disappeared due to one have gotten ill and handicapped, therefore not being able to do all the activities like before? And also not being able to go out and meet new people. That's my story. And it's the most painful and lonely part on top of the loss of mobility and being severely, possibly even terminally ill. What to do then?
Finding oneself being the only one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Your content is always insightful and encouraging thank you. If there's material covering navigating new friends circles post divorce. An area I seemed to struggle with, as I changed, adopted new hobbies etc, i find myself with scattered friendships,I don't mind perse', perhaps what i am really after is deeper connections and friends I can enjoy the things that add joy and value to my life now. Seems really tough at 43
I experienced a petty misunderstanding with a colleague. I even apologized because he was upset but he did not take my apology. He said he was not angry but his actions were complete opposite of what he said. His friends also kind of feel off. They actually share everything together and it kind of makes me uncomfortable because I somehow cannot trust them. Maybe, I’m just a bit sensitive.
There is very little content on this topic. As I’ve evolved in this life, so too, have my friendships. I’m actually in the middle of a single Mom era so I’ve departed from my going out girlfriends and moving onto other women who align with the sort of Mom I want to be.
My neighbor who I've been close with for a couple of years, just raged at me for a text. She has been very invalidating and dismissive of me. Now she's giving me the "silent" treatment and then raged and cursed at me in public. She could have talked to me, but she blew up over a simple text she didn't like. I suspected she was narcissistic and now histrionic. Don't need the drama and there will be consequences for making me fearful with her rage attack. No more talking to her. Narcs only escalate
Isolation and not having Social Life sucks, but being with friends who are not good for you and you don't feel comfortable with them and you don't have the encouragement to let go those friends because you don't want to feel lonely is too much worst than isolation, at least in isolation you can learn things and you can take time to do another things for your own
Had been trying to meet up with my bff for almost 2 years. She put me off and made excuses. I knew she was going through some things and didn’t push it. Finally asked her what was going on. She said we grew apart. Know why we grew apart?? I was diagnosed with f’in cancer. Had mult surgeries, chemo, radiation, the works. I was busy trying to get healthy and couldn’t feed her ego. We were friends for over 25 years. Good riddance
Acquaintances that don't accept your integrated thinking that are egotistical, narcissistic and irrational when you say something about them they don't like. Those people have deep emotional psychological problems and weren't really friends so doesn't matter.
I realised that there are 'friends' even family members and romantic lovers who will constantly submit you to a certain standard to gain their love/sympathy/support. There's a constant threat of being excluded from the group if you don't drink, smoke or do drugs, flamboyant, funny, crazy and pretty like Chloe or Scarlet. I'm out, it's exhausting .
Not a good video. Making no effort to try to resolve the conflict before tearing apart a friendship shows a disregard for the relationship and the person, per David W. Johnson's Conflict Resolution research. A good friend will at least try to talk to the person, voice their concerns, and find a way to fix the issue together before cutting them out, instead of turtleing up.
Yes, and we restarted our friendship a few years later. Guess what? Same problems of me doing the most to maintain connection. I realized it’s totally okay to love someone from afar, avoiding pain and drama. Ultimately, people have to decide if the cost is worth their own happiness.
Yes, agreed. It is totally okay to love someone from afar. Appreciate you sharing. 🙏
So happy for you
Finding oneself being the o Lu one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢
@fairlakie ….my exact story, “ break up, make up” break up make up …..and nothing changes I’m done.
It feels like there is no genuine friendships but only genuine moments of friendships.
I had to let go of my longest and only remaining friendship about a year and a half ago. It was rough. This was very validating.
Holding you so close in heart as you navigate this friendship break up. I'm glad that you felt validated after letting it go. Thank you for sharing. ❤
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank You 🙏 ❤️
When I remarried, my two good friends stopped wanting to be friends. Looking back, they both appeared jealous that I was able to pick up my life after a tragedy. I think they liked being in recue mode. I mourned this loss for two years. The timing was bad because I was trying to feel the joy of my new marriage while feeling so sad inside. My spouse was very understanding. I wish it had been different.
Had a childhood friend who I adored and could always fall back on. After graduating and moving states, she stopped replying and answering my messages. I was going down a deep spiral of depression and would occasionally dream about her past self when we were in school. I would always cry in these dreams and ask her why she ignored me but she’d never answer even though I’d be in front of her. I’d wake up and be in tears or horribly depressed. Recently though, I finally moved on and in my last dream she came to me to apologize but I ignored her and walked away. After waking up I felt so free of the grief and I wasn’t emotional. Even my own subconscious agreed that it was over and gave me that closure. ❤
I got rid of myself from toxic friend group composed of narcissists, addicts, enablers, and flying monkeys. I suffered for a while, but now I enjoy solitude. 😊
Love this. In some ways the enablers and flying monkeys are more toxic than the narcissists. Friendship groups are the worst and most people are best kept at a distance with solid boundaries.
@@queenneurotica4591 Agreed.
I’ve let go of many friendships as I realized it was a one sided relationship. I’d be the one mostly reaching out and I found myself doing only what they wanted to do. It was easy to let go, I just stopped contacting them. It was sad to realize that I didn’t have real friends but I feel better having made the decision to let them go
Glad you were able to notice the one sidedness of your relationships and let them go. Holding vision you will find new close friends❤
Being one sided in the friendship, we don't realize that it is only us holding it together, once we let the other person to reach out, there is no response, so it naturally falls apart. It is better to be aware and notice if the other side is trying to reach out too.
This is me all the time, always the one doing more! Also decided to stop allowing such lopsided friendships, now I only give not any more energy than I get!
Sadly after being abused by my family of origin I went out in the world and made trauma bonds with abusive people who reminded me of my family. It took decades and lots of therapy to realize this. Once I started putting up healthy boundaries with people all the trauma bond friends broke up with me in a big dramatic way- and for my own peace and sanity I let them go. I'm a lot more cautious when making friends, I almost prefer to be alone these days.
I went through a friendship break up at the end of 2023. I let go of 2 friends and 2 acquaintances. It was all the reasons you noted. I grieved for almost one year and still think about it sadly. I felt like a total failure AND I had shame. 😮
Now that I am over it….it is so hard to put myself out there and make new friends. Going to a church event now for women only. Hoping to make good solid connections.
Good luck. It's tough out there.
Appreciate you sharing about your recent experiences with friendship break ups. Holding vision that you will make some new friends and connections soon. 🙏
@@rosamoreno4794 I'm going through this now with multi decade friendships. I feel you! I'm trying to reach out and put myself out there, but I encounter people just as broken as I am who don't want to get better. There have to be healthy people out there somewhere!
Best of luck at the church event. I hope you can find some good souls to bond with.
It is heartbreaking for sure, but time heals. Don't beat yourself about it, because some of this relationship are not meant to be.
I had an aquintance acting crazy, and out of the blue she blocked me because I didn't immediately respond to her crazy demands on FB. I didn't even see the message immediately. So within an hour she blocked me on FB. I was surprised but relieved for her to be gone out of my life. After few months she wrote me how am I doing, because she must have blocked me by mistake🤨😂😂😂
I wrote her that she did that on purpose, and to stay away. Blocked her myself.
I am looking for peace in my life and anyone who tries to disturb it will be cut out😉
Hopefully you find nice friends, but we say that it is the "darkest under the light", so personally I wouldn't look for them in the church...But to each their own. Good luck.
You’re not alone and you’re not a failure. Trust! I’m in this space with you and it is so sad and tough and some days I just want to isolate myself but it is brave to keep showing up and going out into the world. Your true friends are searching and waiting for you too ❤️
This is so integral to healing. We attract friends with worldviews similar to our own at the time, and when one person evolves and the other does not it causes this kind of tension. I have to say that there are people out there who don't want to take responsibility for their own healing or make positive changes...and they don't want anyone else doing it, either. I was met with this kind of resistance when I began to be very intentional with the way I was living, was working through past trauma, and overall trying to be the most peaceful version of myself. Sometimes you just have to move on and not feel guilty over it.
I agree. I consciously put in so much time into reflecting, correcting as many of my flaws as possible (it's a neverending process), growing and maturing and I found myself not being compatible with most of my old friends like I was 15 years ago. It's sad and scary but it's time for some new better aligned relationships
Thank you. Well said🙏🏾
Agreed! Really appreciate you sharing your thoughts ❤
Very well said. You described what I’ve been through this year to a T! Not feeling guilty is something I’ve wrestled with for a while but when it’s time to leave there’s no fighting it and it doesn’t help to take their journey personally. Thank you so much for sharing and validating how I have felt. 🙏 blessings to you🦋
I last year grew apart from a friend I started to feel drained from our interactions and I realized that the relationship didn't feel healthy or aligned to me. She recently messaged me a day ago out of the blue and apologized about some disagreements we had last year and cleared the air. But I could feel that same pattern and energy of feeling drained from that interaction even online. ❤ Even though there's no hard feelings between us I don't feel aligned to reconnecting at the moment.
Thanks for speaking about this because I have felt that there is something wrong with me to have NO friends anymore. I've gone through more friendships breakups than romantic breakups throughout my life and for some reasons seem unable to maintain friends. I can make them pretty easily but keeping them is the hard part. Most of my friends and I drifted apart rather than having conflict/falling out. A lot of friends moved away and have become acquaintances on social media rather than friends (I don't do long-distance relationships of any type); some friends faded out of my life when they became parents because I am childless and they only had time for other mom friends. Then most recently, my remaining friends faded out of my life after I stopped drinking/partying 6 years ago. Other than my husband and a few family members, I have no relationships in my life. I no longer want to bother with friends and would rather focus on my career, family and hobbies.
Just let them go and don't waste your energy. Respect yourself.
sounds great, but not when trauma bonded to some one that was so much to you....takes time, healing, work.
I think most times a conversation should be had to end or wrap up a friendship. The disappearing and fade-out is painful.
A lot of us are afraid of confrontation, for various reasons. Have any good advice on how to approach such a conversation?
I've heard that called the "HR (Human Resources) Approach"...like an exit interview from a job.
I agree wholeheartedly. Just disappearing feels disrespectful. To me, it feels important to honor the time and connection we shared with them by being honest if it doesn't feel good or healthy anymore. It gives both parties a chance for closure. Depending on the reason for ending the friendship, it might even give a chance to make changes that could save, even improve it.
I had a friend pretend I didn't exist when we saw one another at a party, then text me saying they had some issues. This was a long standing friendship and it hurt so deeply that they hadn't bothered to tell me or give me a chance to address the problem. I would've been willing to fix my side, but I don't know if the wound caused by what they did to avoid talking about it can be fixed. It certainly didn't feel like the behavior of a friend. Very dehumanizing.
I think one could approach the conversation by starting out acknowledging what you appreciate about the person and the friendship. Then go into how you're feeling about it now, without any blame or judgement, just sticking to your own feelings, experience and needs. Tell them that you still respect, care about and want the best for them (if that's true, of course). And that the friendship isn't serving you and you think they deserve your honesty about that. If you're open to them addressing the issues leading you to want to end it, give them that chance and ask for what you need. If not, maybe just give a chance for them to share their feelings and see what you both need for closure.
@presentfuture7563 Thanks for asking. I'm usually the one left with no end. I've said to people I hope we can have a conversation if something is wrong or needs to be discussed if it is going to threaten the relationship. I'm generally pretty open to people wanting to take a step back relationshipwise if they say so. In short, I do not try to argue with a decision. I'll apologize most times and try to respect the decision. In some relationships, I've said people can back out at any time, just let me know (so I do not ruminate, which I have a problem with). Therapy has taught me that I have blindspots so I try to understand I can be a challenge as others challenge me. To your point, I try not to be confrontational and most ppl are defensive so there is confrontation as they get defensive when being separated from.
I think communication in the moment is most important as it allows for apologies or understanding. And if someone leaves without saying a thing, I chalk it up to them, and they are not being honest with me about their hurts I did to them.
But people just disappearing or not responding can be very hurtful to the other, even though they do not want to hurt you or they feel like it is easier for them. Everyone does things for a reason. If anyone were to return I'd be polite and if they pushed for a closer relationship I would share my feelings about what happened and what I wanted out of a friendship (something more open and communicative to avoid hurt and to apologize for slights).
@@bensweiss Thanks. I've been on both sides of this equation, and honestly, I'd almost rather be the one being let go. The thing about having CPTSD is that you don't always make the best relationship choices, and if you're a people-pleaser, it can be pretty difficult to back out. I wish everyone responded the way you do.
What was not talked about was when friends decide to leave you. The video focused on friends that make decisions to end friendships not the other way around. Would like a video that helps with the hurt of being left behind without explanation😢
that s so true
Yes! My “best friend “ of 3 years just completely ghosted a couple months ago..
Noted! Thank you for this request.
@@steph_burchI am so sorry you are going through that. I know it really hurts. I hope you heal.❤
@@TheHolisticPsychologistThank you for reaching out to me. I love your videos 🥰
absolutely, my friend and I broke up 2 years ago and I'm still grieving but I've come to the realisation that we weren't compatible and the friendship had become very toxic on both sides. I wasn't putting as much effort in and she was being emotionally coesive. We still talk every now and then but I'm too afraid of her to be close friends again. Once you see someones worst behaviour it's off putting
Forty years of friendship, with some gaps. Lost track for a while then heard bits and pieces. Friend later came back strong as my best friend, but my gut said otherwise. Why, this person had trauma (refused any type of clinical care or therapy) l got tired of hearing about all the trauma and old memories without moving forward, more then that was the immature gossip which l heard from this person about everyone else in the community. I finally said your the gossip not anyone else. After the breakup l got a letter said l was the problem. We've never spoke again.
I hate breaking up with friends. No matter what you say the ‘friend’ will take it as an insult and feel hurt and rejected. The best is to stop giving them your time. Eventually they’ll leave you alone and hopefully find another friend.
@@johnnyjohnson1702 I'm in this situation but it's been years and the friend group won't leave me alone.
@@rebeccaallen5547 Don’t feel guilty if you need to ‘ghost’ them. Sometimes it’s the only thing that works.
But then there's no closure.
@@jenniferlanders5741You have to work at creating your own closure. I’d personally rather do that than listen to somebody’s patronising reason as to why.
@queenneurotica4591 Well of course you have to do it yourself, as you know your relationship best.. and I am not sure how you get patronizing from the shares she gives. They're just tips.
I lost everyone… but it was for the better. They weren’t friends. Now to make friends in my 30s 😵💫….
I'm in my 60's and started making new friends a few months ago. Still weeding the unhealthy ones out but the balance is tipped in favour of nourishing connections now. 😊
This is so important to talk about! The most important relationships have been my friends. I have had to give up several friends because they came into my life at a time when I wasn't mentally healthy. In the process of healing it became chrystal clear that they weren't good for me. I'd known one for 30 years! This was so painful and every source of information was about romantic relationships. For a while I felt completely lost and on my own and it was hard to navigate without information. Thanks for taking the time to talk about this!!
I am so grateful to you, you are one of the safe spaces where I truly feel seen, heard and understood. Thank you so very much for your service to the C-PTSD community (and everybody). I am also a licensed therapist but have more work to do on myself before I begin to actually practice. Maybe soon I will feel strong enough to ethically treat others and to utilize my education. Much, much gratitude.
And then trying to find new ones is as hard as dating. If worse past a certain age.
Completely get how hard it can be to make new friends as you age in life. Thank you for sharing❤
A friend of over 20 yrs😢. Recently and it was both of us, overwhelmed with our own lives....challenging bc I seperated from my husband as well.. one day at a tjme and yes, grieving...and moving forward❤❤❤❤❤
Sometimes the changes seem to come all at once ❤ there’s a chance your friend may come back into your life in the future .. in a way it doesn’t matter if they do or don’t, you can imagine life as being timeless - the love you have for them lasts forever. For now all these changes are making space for growth, new experiences and wonderful discoveries ❤❤❤
Holding you so close in heart as you navigate these losses. One day at a time. Thank you for sharing❤
I Love all of your videos. Yup, I'm not the brightest color in the box or the most fun person in the room. I've just had people disappear on me with no explanation. Sometimes I have no idea why. Other times they don't want any apologies. . .maybe I've pushed them to the edge.
On the other hands. . .
My friend and I have organically drifted apart because our lives are so different (big one - me, single; them, married with kids) and that's easy to understand.
On the foot, I already have got both hands, I finally woke up and saw how I was being used as a sounding board, a purse holder, a confidant and etc. with none of the same for me. I have PTSD and am on the autism spectrum so it's really frightening and difficult for me to reveal my deep truths. So not being able to say my truth, I just made myself gradually disappear over time. At one point after that realization, I found myself with no friends. It was so lonely.
Thank you so much for addressing this.
Thanks for the video :) been going through some friendship breakups (as well as a romantic breakup) as I learn to stand up for myself and become a kinder, healthier person and don’t allow people to abuse me anymore. I’ve been lonely lately and putting myself out there is incredibly difficult. But this video has been both helpful and validating!
You're welcome! You're doing such powerful work on your journey ❤
Even if we grow apart I still think we can still be friends even from a distance.
Definitely. ❤
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It is case by case.
This is such an important topic. The book How to Be bad friend is great at breaking this down.
I had 2 friends, had great friendship with them for years but war made us go to the different countries. We live so far from each other now and I feel I do not know what we can talk about, we have only past left between us. That is why I desided to call sometimes in a while to check with them and do not bother each other with the same questions and an akward silence after that. I am not feeling sad or bad about that, I am a mature woman with 2 sons and having many responsibilities. I focuse on my life in a new country and I have to go further, not looking back. I believe, if there is something good ended, another good thing is going to happen. So, I wish to all of you stay happy and enjoy your life, God will always send the right people in our life.
The western war machine breaking up friendships too. Which country are you from? 🌸
I don’t have any friends. But I feel like I’m currently in a breakup with my oldest friend. I think she feels like she is always the one reaching out to me first. And she would be correct. But it wasn’t always like that. My friend is very successful and married with kids. I am married but I don’t have kids, nor have I been as successful career wise. When I would reach out to her 1st, she never seemed to have time. When we would go out or call each other, it was always sandwiched between other obligations.
This wasn’t the problem. I could totally empathize with her hectic schedule. The problem came in when I would see her posting on FB her outings with other friends. She would even travel to see friends when I lived walking distance for a while. So that is why I stopped reaching out first. But I’m sure she feels that I am the one not meeting HER halfway.
Also, I was always very supportive of her (truthfully. I think I have always been the friend to whom ppl could vent bc I am a good listener, I don’t interrupt and I am always very sympathetic). But the conversations were primarily focused on her life. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood (I have social anxiety for which I’m sure she is not aware though we’ve been friends since we were 13) and I have a lot of depression. But she doesn’t interact with me like I might have wounding (she’s very confident and assertive) and I don’t want to lay my problems at her door so I just pretend that I’m not struggling.
But at the moment, she hasn’t reached out in a long while and doesn’t respond when i text her. She has an abundance of friends so probably could care less. But yes, it is as painful as a romantic breakup.
I really needed this today, thank you
You're welcome! Grateful to be of support ❤
Thank you so much for giving explanations for so many thoughts and feelings I've experienced over the years. You're a gifted teacher. Thank you ❤️
Thank you for presence here in the community. So grateful to be of support🙏
It's a bummer when you apologise for your role but the other person just agrees and doesn't own their part. I guess that's a confirmation that leaving was for the best. Personally, I think I need to stop apologizing
Even though I know outgrowing relationships is a part of life, it still feels wrong. I don't think we'd grieve if it wasn't somehow. I remember someone saying " Hearts weren't made to be borrowed." And they're right. Friendships are meant to last, but they don't, because we live in a fallen world and we let our egos get in the way.
Thank you as always for the work you do!!! I’m resonating deeply with this topic and quite honestly feeling it towards friendships AND family members …
I needed this video so much, Nicole. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank YOU for being here ❤
I always vent on social media it's my outlet and it helps me feel so much better. I don't care anymore. My feelings are real, and how someones actions affected me in the moment was so real. I have a bad habit of minimizing things in myself so having that evidence, being able to look back and see how someone affected me, is a great reminder why i no longer speak to them or why i deserve better or that I'm not crazy, it really was that bad!
Finding oneself being the only one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢 However, may I add, please look out for signs there’s something wrong with the other person…meaning are they going through a depression from a rough experience? Have they began to change in some odd way? Find out, because they may be bury something they’re dealing with and need your support & understanding. Not your absence (which will feel like abandonment).
If u feel uncomfortable when u go to visit a friend, its ur intuition telling u to get out. I had a friend l'd known since school. After leaving school, life happened & different things took place in my life, compared to hers. When together, before having children, she always seemed to make bad choices & somehow thought it was ok. I usually got involved bcuz l was her friend. I ended the friendship last year bcuz l had become intolerant of her boozing & injuring herself from falling over, the watching of narcissistic programmes on tv, & the digs at me about silly, insignificant things that happened when we were teenagers, which worried me that she was hanging on to. The final straw came when she looked openly happy that my son was being rude to me in front of her at her house. I decided right there she was no longer a friend but someone l should be wary of & my intuition had been correct for quite some time. When somethings done, its done. Move on.
Omg I'm going through this right now and so full of confusion and grief. We work together though. Any advice welcome xxx
Phoe, I could use some advice on this. I feel like I've outgrown the lifelong friendship with my cousin. We've had a rocky patch about 2 years back, where I finally "came out" about my feelings of no longer being able to carry on with the friendship the way it always was. My cousin reacted wonderful and is really open about trying to mend things. She's doing her best, but I still feel like it's not enough. For example: she is trying to be there for me, but keeps misinterpreting me, which hurts my feelings in the end, and no amount of explaining myself seems to solve this problem. So now I'm in a state in which I on one hand softly want to distance myself, and at the other hand I really want to honor and don't want to be ungrateful for how much she has tried to make everything right again. I would love to repay all the love and effort that she has given me, but at the same time I feel like I don't have anything to give anymore. I feel like the villain. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. And all of this is so much more difficult because we are family, so we wíll see each other ánd other people would really like us to continue our friendship.
What to do? I've done a lot of soul searching the past two years, and discovered a lot, but still have not solved this problem.
It really is the feeling of being drained
They kept reaching out, and coming over, but I felt I was with an energy vampire in the end
Thank you for this comforting video. I had a close friendship that fell away over the past few years and I'm still unsettled about it. Kind of stuck in some resentment, and not sure what to do with it. Listening to this gave me a bit of perspective.
So grateful this video gave you a bit of perspective. Thank you for sharing that with me ❤
They weren't aligned for a long time. I just finally tired of being the only one invested.
I had an experience about breaking up with a friend... She was a long time friend, a decade of friendship. But, I chose to finally break things up because of my sentiments that turned into resentment from having to never bring it up over the years after, somehow, we thought we finally settled and fixed in our friendship. But, no, I was too much of a coward and a chronic people-pleaser back then to truly speak my mind.. I know it was hard for her that I suddenly brought up something that she thought would never be brought up again. But, I just cannot take the kind of dynamic I was in, anymore. I know that I broke up with her so that I can move forward, heal, get away from something that is toxic, and finally, have a chance to discover myself because I have spent all my life putting others first than myself. But even now, I think, she might have not gotten over the way I broke up with her, still. I want to let her know that it's not her fault... It's almost a year now when that happened, but, I feel like I am stilll not emotionally equipped to have a conversation with her, again.
This is so helpful and reassuring to hear. Thank you from my heart as someone recovering from a friend breakup this year. This content is deeply needed and resources can feel scarce on how to heal. Cutting cords has helped me personally to feel free and like I’m truly letting go of the connection that didn’t serve either of us for over a year. I feel like I don’t know who I am around other people anymore and it can be hard for me to connect even if it does seem like we’re a good match and we have aligned values and compatible energies. Being patient takes time. Blessings and love to everyone here trying their best to move on and heal ❤
A friend who I used to speak on the phone with weekly for over a year after becoming in-person friends when we lived in the same city became unavailable after about a year of regular communication. After a month of no reply to my message, I expressed if weekly was too much in the new year, how about monthly or quarterly. She said she wanted to play it by ear and it's been 9 months without any word. I wish she had been more forthcoming about ending or pausing the friendship and I don't feel emotionally safe enough to ask for clarity or re-engage with her.
Thank you Nicole for talking about this topic! This is the video Ive been searching for a long time, and the words of confirmation I needed to hear on my outgrowing friendships. Thanks for your work! ❤
Thank you. Do you have a video about breaking up with family? This is making me feel very guilty..
if you dont already follow patrick teahan, he makes tons of videos on youtube on breaking up with family and is a great resource to have when you are feeling guilty about it.
I came here to say Patrick Teahan as well ❤ I don’t know how close the family member is but it’s tough .. I just want to send some supportive energy your way to stay strong in your decision and if you can maybe sit with the guilt (feel it in your body and allow it) without going into any story. Feel the guilt and see if you can notice any shift? If you weren’t feeling guilty - what would you be feeling? The guilt might be something that’s keeping you from other feelings or stories. I hope this advice isn’t overstepping but I’ve been going through this and I thought I’d share some thoughts that might help. I think the guilt doesn’t belong to you and it’s maybe covering something else/a strategy to stop you from feeling other things. Big love
For me, I have a hard time talking about my mental health with my friends that I’ve known since high school. And the hardest part is wanting to break up with one friend while staying friends with others in my friend circle without it being super awkward. The reason being that I can be myself around some friends but it’s hard to open up to another friend who have shown themselves to be judgmental in the past and who haven’t done the healing work themselves and chasing that picture-perfect life with their husband and kids. I want to stay in touch but I also want a friend who can be real with me. I figure that our values have changed a lot since our marriages or that our friendship was always on a more superficial level than I would’ve liked.
I must say this with the utmost sincerity thanks for this... ❤
I have some friends since childhood who accept me. I don't see them very often but we touch base at times. Sometimes it's the stress of life in the way.
I have also had some intense, toxic friendships. Those ones were painful & felt like breakups. I still wanted to connect with then on some level but I needed to also remember it worsened my mental health & kept triggering PTSD.
I found it helpful to process some of these complex online friendships by writing memoir, almost like a novel. To process the emotions I shut down. Also, to reframe with some of the amusing parts. The ups & downs, drama etc actually can make an amusing story.
Girlfriend friendships can be complex. We go through seasons of life if we have children, newly married, or through a death etc. People change. I don't know if it's necessarily "growth." Trauma bonds are the worst. I realized with a recent friend that we were BOTH trauma bonded. She had absolutely no ability for introspection and I have the desire to share to people I'm close to. She had no problem sharing with me about her husband's affairs, her son's choice of bad lovers,,etc, but didn't want to hear anything about my life. Thanks to "doing the work," I realized it before her emotional abuse got worse. I feel a huge weight off my back and no more knot in my stomach when she called. She exploded at me and ended the friendship herself. The feeling was mutual. I will never again bond with others who show signs of unhealed trauma. Yes we are all broken people with levels of trauma. But growing people want healing and healthy friendships. Your book has been a lifesaver I am working through slowly (bc it's painful work), but methodically.
🙌
Gracias por regalarnos esta sección, estoy pasando por esto hace meses y es mentalmente es desgastante pero confío que con sus palabras podré salir adelante
How do you breakup with a whole group of friends who get together once a month for over 20 years? I have nothing in common with these women except the past. I don't want to hurt their feelings but at the same time I've been feeling for years I should end this. What's the best way to tell them kindly?
Be honest and use I statements/non-violence communication. Remember, you can only your best to deliver the news kindly, you cannot control their emotions or how they react.
@@JennyNobody thank you
@@rebeccaallen5547 best luck to you and I hope you find your new friends sooner than later ❤️
Wow 🤩 this is the first time I hear someone talking about this! For me, those “friend breakups” were more hurtful than breaking ups with my partners.
I'm doing this right now. I'm just mostly drained. It's like listening to a broken record and they refuse to do anything about it. It's been 10 yrs and I feel bad, but I don't want to talk to her at this point 😕
She's an emotional vacuum
This is the most valuable advice I have heard in a very long time.
So grateful this was valuable advice for you ❤
I've broken up with 2 friends I've had for over 30 years. One had been a long time coming, one was fairly sudden. I'm sad about it but I don't miss either one of them.
I broke up with a friend I'd had for about 15 years 5 years ago. At the time I was already going through a big loss as my mother had recently died, and in the wake of it I was making some changes in my life. Losing one of my most important friendships too was not part of the plan, but this friend and his gf could not understand what I was going through or why I was changing. Instead they just thought I went a little nuts and would not support me in my new goals. It poisoned any time we spent together, and it was really not what I expected after having known each other for so long. I know that breaking up was the right choice but it really hurt, I grieved for about a year at least and I still think about it sometimes.
I have made some new friends since but I find it harder to do so now that I'm in my late 30s. It's different from making friends in high school...
Thanks for sharing. Extremely helpful. Sending you much love.
So grateful this one was helpful for you. Sending you much love right back! ❤
Got ghosted by a best girlfriend and it’s been really devastating. I was overcoming codependency and can see how it went sort of but still saddened by it all. Still left with uncertainty
Thank you. I've been going through one foe the past two months and this came at the perfect time for me. I feel understood. Thank u nicole❤
So grateful this one came at the perfect time for you ❤
Impossible to maintain friendship with an addict
yes. the addiction will always be more important than anything or anyone else. so sad.
I ended friendships with them after becoming sober. ✂✂✂
God bless you for sharing this wisdom!
Just what I needed, broke up with my friend twice and did not speak for a year, came together for two years now and was emotionally manipulated, she is very demanding it’s draining, last week she judged me, felt shocked and emotionally drained ……I’m done that’s it 😢
Yes, exactly, the feienship break ups are pretty much very sad 😢
a great video! another good one would be : is it a break up or a break thru? Sometimes staying in the game when it gets tough takes you to the next level. How do differentiate?
Thank you, I needed this 🙏🏻
Yeah...they Usually stop contacting, rejecting messages/fb request after they got married
I seperated from all of my friends January 2023. I’m totally alone now except that I still know people about town but I’m alone all day every day
Holding vision that you will find new and loving friendships ❤
What if the friendships have slowly disappeared due to one have gotten ill and handicapped, therefore not being able to do all the activities like before? And also not being able to go out and meet new people. That's my story. And it's the most painful and lonely part on top of the loss of mobility and being severely, possibly even terminally ill. What to do then?
Finding oneself being the only one doing the massive majority of work to maintain the connection will destroy ANY relationship: Family, Friends, Romantic, Professional, Neighborly, etc. That kind of severe imbalance is not practical for anyone to maintain. It will drain the “worker” in the relationship and feelings will die for the “nonchalant/ inactive/ or lazy” one. 😢
Experienced a friend break up two weeks ago.
Holding you so close in heart as you navigate this friendship break up ❤
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Your words of support and kindness is appreciated thank you. ❤️
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Your content is always insightful and encouraging thank you. If there's material covering navigating new friends circles post divorce. An area I seemed to struggle with, as I changed, adopted new hobbies etc, i find myself with scattered friendships,I don't mind perse', perhaps what i am really after is deeper connections and friends I can enjoy the things that add joy and value to my life now. Seems really tough at 43
I experienced a petty misunderstanding with a colleague. I even apologized because he was upset but he did not take my apology. He said he was not angry but his actions were complete opposite of what he said. His friends also kind of feel off. They actually share everything together and it kind of makes me uncomfortable because I somehow cannot trust them. Maybe, I’m just a bit sensitive.
Thank you
There is very little content on this topic. As I’ve evolved in this life, so too, have my friendships. I’m actually in the middle of a single Mom era so I’ve departed from my going out girlfriends and moving onto other women who align with the sort of Mom I want to be.
My neighbor who I've been close with for a couple of years, just raged at me for a text. She has been very invalidating and dismissive of me. Now she's giving me the "silent" treatment and then raged and cursed at me in public. She could have talked to me, but she blew up over a simple text she didn't like. I suspected she was narcissistic and now histrionic. Don't need the drama and there will be consequences for making me fearful with her rage attack. No more talking to her. Narcs only escalate
Isolation and not having Social Life sucks, but being with friends who are not good for you and you don't feel comfortable with them and you don't have the encouragement to let go those friends because you don't want to feel lonely is too much worst than isolation, at least in isolation you can learn things and you can take time to do another things for your own
antisocial media is not helping anything or anything....made bad friends worse and the isolating
Very helpful ❤
Had been trying to meet up with my bff for almost 2 years. She put me off and made excuses. I knew she was going through some things and didn’t push it. Finally asked her what was going on. She said we grew apart. Know why we grew apart?? I was diagnosed with f’in cancer. Had mult surgeries, chemo, radiation, the works.
I was busy trying to get healthy and couldn’t feed her ego. We were friends for over 25 years. Good riddance
Just a practical question: are there playlists on this channel? Does she touch the subject of neurodiversity?
what are friends?
Acquaintances that don't accept your integrated thinking that are egotistical, narcissistic and irrational when you say something about them they don't like. Those people have deep emotional psychological problems and weren't really friends so doesn't matter.
What if you outgrew your parents in the childhood, and you still feel that way as an adult?
So many people broke up over the covid bullshit, politics and the covid shots.
as planned....but honestly, it came before the plandmic.....antisocial media.
I realised that there are 'friends' even family members and romantic lovers who will constantly submit you to a certain standard to gain their love/sympathy/support. There's a constant threat of being excluded from the group if you don't drink, smoke or do drugs, flamboyant, funny, crazy and pretty like Chloe or Scarlet. I'm out, it's exhausting .
I stopped being a big alcohol drinker, and even though I still love my friend, I don't want to hang out in trendy bars anymore.
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The pæst.
Chicægo suburb women accent
I'm sorry about the f" fest.
Not a good video. Making no effort to try to resolve the conflict before tearing apart a friendship shows a disregard for the relationship and the person, per David W. Johnson's Conflict Resolution research.
A good friend will at least try to talk to the person, voice their concerns, and find a way to fix the issue together before cutting them out, instead of turtleing up.
Totally agree