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As a 9, what hurts me to the core is when I start to show my true opinions and preferences and the other person walks all over them anyway. It just reaffirms the false belief that everyone else matters more than me. Being interrupted at vulnerable moments can make me feel very resentful, whether I know that at the time or whether I make the anger unconscious (fuel for later passive aggressive flare ups).
I HATE being interrupted! I feel like if I am taking the time to share my thoughts then listen then state yours (harmony). If I am interupted I have to start all over and it diminishes the impact of my words. It makes things way too complicated and confusing.
Me, a Type 4: Please do NOT call me basic or boring. But also, PLEASE don't invalidate my emotions. Sit with me while I'm feeling all the things or at least leave me alone if you don't get it.
I always thought I was wrong or weird when I got upset so easily especially when people called me too emotional or they have all the same things I do. And I've come to learn ppl are gonna like the same things I do but that doesn't make them the same as me
Love this! I'm a 9 and I would also add- telling us what to do....when someone tells me "You should do...." Or "What you need to do is..." It makes want to do the opposite. Not that we don't appreciate thoughtful, loving advice, I know I do! But when someone tells me what to do, with no real observation of me, eeeeeewwwww!
Yes!!! I don't know why I get "rebellious" or something when someone tells me what to do with my life- I guess it is part of the type 9's inner stubbornness? Also, if someone tells me what I should be doing, it feels like criticism for what I already have been doing. On the outside I take criticism well, but on the inside it is a huge struggle (and it is especially difficult to hear when it comes from someone I really care about and am close with)
My husband is a 9 and the same way lol. I’ve had to learn not to phrase advice like, “you should do this,” but instead say it like, “here’s an idea.” Or, “have you thought of this?” I’ve noticed if I give it as a suggestion he’ll take the idea in consideration, otherwise his wall goes up and he does the opposite lol. It’s a good learning lesson for me too, because it helps me to learn how to speak more kindly. As a type 1 I can come off harsh without meaning too 🤭
Another peeve for an 8 would have to be passive-aggression! It’s infuriating and frustrating and unproductive and a waste of time. If you have a problem, name it, solve it, and move on to the next.
That annoys the fuck out of me too. So I play dumb and act either as if they're invisible or that they're my best friend and I take everything SUPER literally just to piss them off and make them actually USE THEIR WORDS.
I'm almost sure I'm an 8w7, and there are 3 things that annoy me in communication: 1) when people say "I need to tell you something" and then don't say what or start saying something super slowly and never finish it. 2) drama queens 3) passive-aggressive. If you use passive-aggressive to me I will simply ignore you and assume you are not talking about me. Or I might ask who are you talking about. If you understand astrology, I will also share that my natal Mercury is in Aries in the 8th house. I'm almost sure my husband is a 9w1. His natal Mercury is in Virgo also in the 8th. Now you imagine how we communicate, hahahaha. It works, but only because we understand we speak different languages. Oh, and we do speak different languages, for real. My native language is Portuguese.
As a 4, nothing hurts more than “you’re being dramatic”. Especially if you happen to be a performer or do any acting at all… people think it’s cute to call you a “drama queen” and then it feels like an insult when people use it to dismiss your emotions. This can lead to a kind of self-gaslighting of constant self doubt about whether any strong emotion is “appropriate”. And resisting strong emotions… leads to melt downs. And reinforces the story that you are a “drama queen”. And the internal fear that there is something deeply wrong with you. It’s only as an adult now that I am learning to accept and validate my own emotions, knowing that nobody else’s experience is the same as mine and that’s okay. It’s also been important for me to recognize that if a thought or idea is causing me pain (maybe the thought: “Why are you being so dramatic?”), I can recognize the thought as untrue or unhelpful while still honoring and taking care of the feeling so I can process it and let it go. Validating my own emotions is what helps me de-escalate the drama and reclaim my own sanity. Sometimes I just repeat “It’s okay to feel ____. It’s okay to feel ____.”over and over. We can all be special, AND all have the full human experience.
As an 8 I really appreciate the last bit about 8's actually having feelings. Too often people take the directness and fact that conflict doesn't scare us to create this image that we are all bullies, tyrants, or sociopaths. A lot of us care very deeply and will go farther than most would ever dream for those we love. Appreciate the acknowledgment and truth. Well done.
Type 8 here my reply to those who say I am cold is you are not paying attention I run hot on everything. If you think I am cold, when I am angry, it is because I am using restraint because I realize burning you down is not going to help matters.
I mean I’m a 6w7 and an ENFP so not this one as much. But I do like specifics- that I can then be flexible around- because I like being spontaneous and that freedom- but i need to know the boundaries because I’m terrified of getting things wrong
type 8 here, and I love the deep emotions of the 5's, I love the slow dance with their many boundaries, the slow move behind the lines, and the reward when they finally open up, and you have an ally for life.
As a Type 7 one of the things that hurt hearing the most was something like "give it a rest". Every seven knows being told they are annoying and childish etc. But, for me at least, most of the time I try to cheer up people and look on the bright side. Then being told "give it a rest", for me that implied that I had no idea of what was really going on and would not even understand it, if one would bother to explain. I felt like I was being treated like a child who could never see the real brutality of the world and is only being a burden that had to be dealt with on top of the bad situation. It felt like not acknowledging that positive people also know hurt. Making sevens feel like a child that doesn't know/understand things or that doesn't know what it's like to be sad/serious really leaves a mark, as you can tell by this essay lol (like you already said in your video. Love watching these, much love♡)
i totally relate to that!! I absolutely hate when I try to comfort people and they just think I don’t understand what it’s like to be sad. I only comfort people because that’s the only way I know how to move on from a problem. It’s hard to remember that some people aren’t like us quick-moving and optimistic 7s!
Type 9's: stop talking over us. Stop interrupting and let us talk. Allow us to get a word in and when we do... please listen and wait till we are done.
@@LuckyJAmbrose hey it's kids like you that have their alternative eight Wing come out once they get beat up. Learning the hard way how to finally stand up for yourself. It's not about understanding it's about becoming a better version of yourself. Enneagram 9s are bold when they write but not in person.
@@sparrowhawk5673 I am bold both in writing and in person… and people love to hear themselves talk… especially men. Talking over 9’s is a thing. We are excellent listeners but would like to get a word in now and then. It’s just that simple. And it’s rather annoying. Oh and thanks for calling this 71 year old a ‘kid’. ❤️
For a lot of types, their boundaries are like inner walls which protect the most vulnerable parts of their soul. For type 5s, boundaries are more like exterior walls, for example of a house or, better yet, a castle, which you shall not enter, blackguard, unless you are prepared to bare steel in defense of YOUR OWN heathenous soul.
NOT 2s 😭 okay okay.. maybe sometimes, but you do NOT want be around us when we're trying to wall it up. Healthy 8s are AMAZING with boundaries. Every 2 needs a healthy 8 in their life SRSLY. Oh and if they love you they will fight to the death for you.
@@jfish032 I needed to make a month break with a type 2 in relationship. I got too claustrophobic . It actually helped the relationship, don’t know if I’m all that healthy as an 8 though. But I am good at setting boundaries, making time limits etc. Making time outs.
Thanks for sharing@@hirsch4155 . That makes a lot of sense :) also, when I said "every 2 needs a healthy 8 in their life" I didn't necessarily mean marriage, could also be a friend, coworker, etc. Just someone to learn from and admire the hell out of.
As a 9(w1) I always get hit with the "You're so chill!" one and I always find myself forced to reply "Only on the outside", just so they don't end up stressing me out more thinking I can handle it.
I'm a type 9. I'm always unsure if I have an 8 or 9 wing, but the 8 seems to speak to me on this one. I've always been kind of dramatic and sensitive for a guy and growing up my siblings would tell me to be quiet, to stop complaining, to stop whining and such, when I was just expressing myself. Eventually I felt like I couldn't express myself without people feeling like I was getting upset or being whiny or dramatic. So I started to suppress my own emotions and focused instead on how to ensure everyone else was feeling. Suddenly I became that person that everyone expressing their own issues to, while I feel like I have no one that can be that person for me. As a result, I feel like I'm the most relaxed when I'm alone. I don't have to worry about easing tension between people, I don't have to share my opinions and risk having disagreements, and I don't have to worry about people having expectations on me, I don't have to worry about others' emotions or issues... But one of the worst things I've heard over the years is when I'm actually getting passionate about something and people ask me if I'm upset or angry. I try to deny it, but if they keep pressing, I start to actually get angry. Like, why can't I express how I feel about something without people interpreting it as anger? Also, giving criticism is such a huge source of stress for me. I could never be a boss because I would have such a hard time telling my staff harsh news.
Hi, fellow 9 here! I really relate to the fear that expressing deep or strong feelings will lead to ridicule, conflict, or rejection, and also love the rest of being alone without that invisible feeling of pressure. I just want to say that it's messed up that the idea of dramatic and sensitive "for a guy" even exists. Like, guys have feelings too, and it should be considered just as valid for them to express emotion as for women. May your life be filled with people who fully accept you in both your mildness and your passion! I also hope you find someone(s) you can talk to authentically about YOUR feelings, which, as always, are as valid as ANYONE else's
Wow, as an Enneagram 6, I really agree with the description in this video. I hate it when people invalidate my worries and anxiety, and I have to spend days after days to really process this anxiety alone until I am okay to function again. I learnt and accept that my fear of being unsafe is what makes me who I am, and exploring better ways to cope with my anxiety 🤣
Just wanna say that I love 8's and they're the most passionate people ever and will literally stay by you no matter what if you matter to them. They don't have to be fuzzy with everyone, no one has to be and they aren't heartless for that.
9w1: totally agree with all you mentioned! Especially the rushing and the “lazy”😳🤢 Also: “Don’t you think so-and-so is terrible…” Because I am generally chill, people seem to find me an easy person to complain to, often complaining about mutual acquaintances. But I’m so hardwired to see the best in everyone that I always try to stand up for the absent party, which means I’m not “in harmony” with the person in front of me. Feeling forced to either a) express a negative opinion about someone or b) risk damaging a relationship is the definition of my own personal hell
Do you find you attract negative people? I have always had this issue. People feel safe and accepted around me so they feel comfortable sharing all their negative opinions! I mean it's nice that we offer them an accepting ear and a positive spin, I'm glad I can be a source of light in their lives...but it's also really draining!
Type 1w9. Man, when you said the line “you’re a bad person” my mouth dropped. That would be a horrible thing to hear! If someone told me that I would probably spend the next week doing every nice thing possible to make up for someone thinking I was a bad person 😭 Also, as a strong 9 wing, that tie breaker thing rings so true. I hate it when people make me a tie breaker. Like, obviously I have a preference, but what if someone is upset by my choice?
My inner dialogue while watching this video: “Hmm.. I wonder what she’s gonna say for the 8 (my type)… What SHOULDN’T someone say to my type? Hmm.. can’t think of anything …drawing a blank. There really isn’t anything I wouldn’t want to hear… Abbey: There actually isn’t much you could say to a type 8 that they wouldn’t want to hear” LOL Nailed it again girl!
As an 8, I get annoyed when people don't* tell me what they think about me/the situation/their true emotions! I'll take anger and harsh words over silence!
Can confirm as a 4 wing 5 my biggest pet peeve is someone telling me how i think and/or feel. I appreciate friends that realize that im internally processing and my emotions wont always be on my face. It frustrates me when someone says what Im feeling or thinking because it’s usually wrong/ it feels like they are putting me in a box lol
1w9 here and yes, we obssess over the "you're a bad person" for months. In fact, it's pretty much buried in our subconscious. But the killer sentence for me is "You're a failure", that cuts deep. Great video, Abbey!
Oof. I can tell “You’re a failure” feels like an attack for me too, but as a 5 it immediately triggers my intellectualization defenses where I retaliate by attacking the premise of the statement; “What does ‘failure’ mean,” “I owe you nothing,” that sort of thing. I think “You’re not enough,” would nail me to the board, though.
i'm a 5, and omg it was so accurate- I'm also a wing 4, and it's absolutely true. Once i told a friend of mine about how i felt, and they said "oh, i feel that way too" it seems silly, but it hurted me. I wanted to feel special, and like my feelings are different and rare. I know it sounds so stupid, but yeah. For the five, expectations was right on spot. Disappointing someone who have expectations on me is my BIGGEST fear. I also hate when someone depends on me
Abbey, it’s so the BOSS’s fault about the dishes story 😡 I once had a boss sabotage me by making up false criticism on my performance to their higher ups. I woke up sobbing.
As a 9, I can't agree more with your comment about being a referee. As a mom I'm constantly having to referee my kids interactions. This video helped me realize why this has been so challenging to me. Also, "You're so chill..." is not helpful to a 9. We may portray that on the outside for your benefit, but the inner battle to keep things peaceful is our secret struggle and we don't want to be reminded of it. Abbey, thank you for helping us learn more about ourselves and why we react the ways we do in relation to our Enneagram #'s.
7 - I don't care too much about FOMO anymore (I've just learned to independent in everything I do as an adult), but it's the playfulness = stupidity mentality that a lot of people have commented toward me that always instantly deflates me. Especially as 7s grow toward a healthy 5, we crave information and understanding, those comments are especially hurtful to me.
I’ve got an idea for your next video: Catch phrases of each type. As a 6 you need to include “The worst case scenario is…” and “I’m glad I’m not the only one!”
I’m a 6 and I related so much to this comment! Haha I often say something like, “Well, I guess the worst that could happen is…” and also “Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one then!” I understand that the worst case scenario phrase has to do with needing to plan for possible future bumps in the road, but I’m now curious: Which part of the 6’s core desires or fears are related to not wanting to be the only one or finding comfort in the fact that someone else is or feels similar to you?
Type 8 here and agree with all the examples for my type. Absolutely cannot stand for someone to tell me I don’t care or I don’t have feelings. Are you kidding me? You’re exactly right, we’re just not all warm and fuzzy about it. Look at our actions though! I wouldn’t waste my time if I didn’t care about you! Ugh, frustrating. I love when people get that type 8s love a good debate (argument😬) and it’s a form of intimacy for us. It was awesome to learn I wasn’t alone! Love your videos!
I'm a 4W5 and I gotta say when you described a 4 I thought, " AMEN!!" " and was tempted to share it with everyone I know. I can relate to some things of type 5 too.
Your portrayal of type 1 is so spot on! And YES, I do dwell on the criticism for a loooong time, analyzing it, judging myself, improving because of it…
This didn’t fit me but I’m weird. I’m a ENFP and love deep conversations and investigating like a 5 but at first glance you would assume I was a 7. I’m a 5w6. I love learning about people, and spontaneous adventures, But Im always problem solving in everything I do. And I don’t care what people think about me but I love learning about others and exploring deep ideas. On enneagram I rarely fit the stereotype. Because I’m an extroverted 5 and have used my ability to research towards social life so I don’t fit the 5 stereotype as being introverted. I investigate social gatherings, their fun for me. I get frustrated if someone says that’s a stupid idea, I don’t want to talk about that, or won’t let me present all the research I’ve done on a topic and shuts down a good conversation.
OOH INTERESTING- I am an ENFP 7w6 (yep I am the stereotype 😂) and I actually relate to this, ngl it’s the Ne curiosity that makes you want to investigate and things, and to wonder and the Fi attachment to get to know how something works. I’m curious what made you type as a type 5? Just because I love hearing about unusual combos like ENFP 5w6 which I have never heard of anyone with that type combo before :)
Well, as a 5, obligations/expectations are definitely one of the biggest stress factors, though they are hard to completely avoid. It sounds ridiculous that anyone would ever actually say that to a real person & not an anime characterbut I did actually get more than 1 ex boyfriend saying something like the robot line which was like... just kind of makes me feel like if I'm gonna do it wrong I should just not bother to talk to ppl ever again, which I of course realize its silly. I'm actually pretty sensitive on the inside & trying hard to keep it together so it's a bit like salt in the wounds We also definitely had to train our mom out of the "we need to talk" thing cause my sisters are type 6s and it does freak them out. That said, there's at least one type 1 that I probably owe an apology to.
I'm a 5 and have been called a robot or something akin to that many, many times. I'm very reserved in emotional expression and can be quite aloof. Doesn't really bother me and I don't want to expend energy in a fruitless argument against it because, to me, its of little import. Now, if someone wants to converse about the nature of quantum mechanics or different schools of philosophical thought, I can barely contain my excitement and can talk until you can't stand to hear my voice anymore.
As a 9, hearing the message that my deep emotions or opinions are a problem or are not valid pushes me down and so I shrink myself or hide that part of myself from the people I don’t feel are accepting. And oh my god that “come on lazy bones hurry up get to work”, I cringed to my core, I so worry about others seeing me as lazy, but I have inattentive ADHD and executive dysfunction and don’t have a lot of internal energy and motivation for getting shit done all the time and I have slow processing, so being pushed to hurry up when I’m already trying my hardest is a super big trigger and has made me cry while working in retail a few times
Felt that. Also have inattentive adhd. It’s like people expect you to constantly know everything that’s happening and catch all of the raindrops while they’re falling down. Scheduling especially falls behind for me…
As a 9, that also has inattentive ADHD I relate to this soooo much! I naturally operate and process at a slower pace than most people. I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I’m expected to move to someone else’s pace especially when it’s much faster than my own. For example, I hate driving other people when other people are in the car. They usually want me to drive at their pace and their way. So I end up driving and making decisions faster than what I’m comfortable with. I also hate when people watch me do something. I feel pressured to move faster then I end up messing up
@@silencesfell Ok turns out I'm actually a 2, but this sentiment still stands for me regardless of type. I guess this is more a trigger for my ADHD/executive functioning profile and trauma rather than a trigger for my enneagram.
As the wife of an 8, I think one of the worst things they can hear is ... to hear from someone else that you said something negative about them, no matter how small. 8's consider this not a minor infraction, but BETRAYAL.
I'm a 2. I can remember with excruciating clarity, being a kid at camp being told by a counselor that they did not need my help. I was crushed, embarrassed, and cried myself to sleep that night. I also avoided that counselor so that I would be less likely to annoy her again. In general I fear coming off as annoying or mean.
As a Type 1, I definitely felt like throwing up hearing those words lol Also, potentially hiding under my desk and never coming out again... Thanks Abbey Howe! Spot on!
Oh my. I'm a type 6, and when you started with "we need to talk" .... I physically felt that in the base of my skull and it ran down my spine into my gut where it sat. You nailed it! And yes, "don't worry about it," "you're making mountains out of molehills," and "that will never happen" are triggering for me. Thank you for making me feel "seen."
I'm a 6w7 and first of all if I let you in on the fact that I'm feeling anxious, overwhelmed or sad, you're special because I don't share those feelings with people. And second, when people say stop over thinking or worrying I get so annoyed. It's like, yeah I haven't figured out how to stop that part of my brain so please just hug me, listen to me or buy me snacks. I know it will go away but not by you saying stop worrying 😪
Type 2w3 with a type 5 partner here. One thing I have learned over the years with my partner is that the processing time thing is SO TRUE. I realize that if I ask a question where I want a real answer, I might need to wait a full minute in silence while he thinks about it. For my impatient 2 self, this feels like an eternity sometimes! I want to jump in and make suggestions, but now I know I just need to bite my lip and wait.
As a 5 who has a few fantastic 2 friends, I cannot imagine living with a 2. Sounds like you would need some good boundaries/ground rules in place, or the 2 would likely feel neglected while the 5 felt suffocated.
As a 5, I don't like having expectations because I don't want to fail and let them down. Besides, my personal expectations are higher than theirs could ever be. It does take me a while to process things too.
As a 7, I don't like hearing, "No, we can't go on vacation or buy that." I am married to a 6 and his first reaction to everything is "No!" like I am a child and he is the parent. I want an even discussion and to make plans for the future with some "Yes, let's do that!" occasionally.
Abbey you're spot on about Type 6's. when I'm telling someone about an issue. Hear me out and simply acknowledge my fear! My brain will explode if I hear don't worry about it! ugh...just hearing people say that just hit me at the core.
This might be a late respons but I’m literally climbing up the walls when I'm anxious. Soooo many sleepless nights because I'm so in my head. Always takes a while to realize that I'm in my head and then find a way out. Had to start asking people close to me to ask what I'm thinking if I'm to quiet... (6w7)
I’m a little confused about my type. I think I’m a 2w1, but I’m not as bothered by “I don’t need your help” or “You weren’t there for me.” Because My worth isn’t based off of what I do for you… It’s based off of how you feel about me! So I hate “You’re mean” or “You didn’t consider how that made me feel.” ARE YOU KIDDING? I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL DAY! I’M OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU’RE FEELING! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU REFUSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT SO I CAN BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED!!! Ahem… So if you have any insight I’d appreciate it… I hope this didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
Me (9) and my sister (7) had a conversation about how she would LOVE to be a referee and that is literally the farthest thing in the world from anything i would ever want to do in my life. I would have to lean HARD into my wings if i was forced to do it 😂
I learned that 9w8 are referred to as "the referee" in some circles. They don't struggle with decisions if what's being decided brings harmony in the way a referee can 'objectively' make calls.
As a type 2, I would definitely emphasize Abby’s point that I greatly appreciate when other people are warm and affectionate with me the way I tend to be with other people!!! Yup!!!!!!
I'm a 9w8 and the thought of being a ref and having 1/2 of an entire stadium be mad at me is my worst nightmare 😂 but I could probably choose which food to eat
Type 7 here, I absolutely HATE being left out. It makes my mind race with all the reasons why someone hates me all because I wasn't invited to lunch or whatever. I'm learning how to cope with it though!
Yep...type 1 and if you tell me I made a mistake I will think about it for literally the rest of my life. In my mind if I think about the mistake I made enough then I'll be less likely to make that mistake again.
Seriously! I was told "you're colouring wrong" in grade 3... 1. She was wrong and I still prescribe to my 3rd grade methods... 2. Regardless of who is right or wrong... how many other memories do I have from that grade? Like none... just the one time the teacher told me I was bad at colouring... it is so engraved inside my brain that anytime I colour even at 30yrs old I am hyper sensitive to how my lines look on the page... and I can't get her words "your wrong" out of my head...
Honestly one of the better Enneagtam videos I've seen(a 5 who is intrigued by the Enneagtam at that). As a 5 it finally articulated the expectations side as opposed to competency or people energy. Also helped alot with family in other numbers 1, 2, 3 and 9. Thank you for this one!
I was surprised by that as a 5. These did not trigger me as much as if it had been regarding competency. Maybe because I am good about having boundaries? I know what I can handle. No one is dropping in for a stay with me. I don’t have a problem referring them to a hotel. And I generally don’t care what other people think as long as it does not relate to my competency. If they say I have no emotions, that doesn’t bother me even though it’s not entirely accurate.
Lots of 9's in these comments. And I'm adding another. As a 9, I HATE when people assume things. I've had so many people take advantage of me and my easy-goingness by saying "Oh i just assumed you wouldn't mind" It drives me crazy because I DO MIND but now that whatever you did already happened, i'm going to say "you're right its fine" and let it go because I don't wanna wanna cause problems/ have conflict.
I'm a 7 and one thing that cut me to the core was when a college friend of mine invited all of our mutual friends to her wedding but not me (being left out!). She based her guest list on if she had seen the person in the last 3 years, but forgot about a group trip we did together during that time (you forgot about me??). And I was on the bcc'd email letting me know that she had a hard decision but I was not invited (an UNinvitation??) I got over it, but ouch.
Bahaha fantastic. Spot on. I teared up a little when you were talking to us 2s 🥺 thank you ♥️ ALSO I weirdly related to the 4s a lot for just wanting to be heard sometime. My 4 and 9 friends are amazing at this 😍 9s just naturally reflect back whatever I'm feeling cause of their absorbent and non-judgemental vibes. 9s help me see the big picture from a narrative point of viewwhile 4s sit with all the nuances of my emotions 🥰 3s always ask me what I'm gonna do next 😂 all types have their value. My 3 wing makes me all strategic like about who to turn to for whi h situations, lol
I'm a type 5. My biggest pet peeve is people making enemies out of others even though their intentions are pure or they're commiting no real harm to them -- the only harm being in their mind and egos. It annoys me when people can't work together and agree to disagree. It annoys me when people allow their opinions to distract them from the truth. This might be due to my personality type being driven by finding the truth and understanding or something, so I expect people to be friends with people they disagree with; people who can challenge them and allow them to grow. The most important part of a friendship for me is challenging my perspective and understanding and being patient while I learn my lesson. I don't like it when people aren't straightforward with me or don't give me the chance to be better. As a type 5, my life revolves around innovation and change. I'm always looking for better ways to do things and expect my loved ones to appreciate this about me. It bothers the heck out of me when people surround themselves with yes men and are comfortable in their shortsighted and ignorant perspectives. I just want people to get over their egos and grow together ! There's so much unnecessary hate in the world! Who cares if he agrees with you politically? He's still a good guy! Why is it such a big deal that she wears her hat inside out? I guess my friends end up being cooler for that reason. 🤷 I guess I see hate as a decision guided by emotions rather than rationality. Into my innerworld I go! I'm free in there! Haha.
Totally agreed! Though as a two, the first sentence didn’t cut as much as the third. I don’t need you help is something I can take, cause I know I sometimes offer over what I need to- but “you weren’t there for me when I needed you” will make curl into a ball and avoid leaving my room for months. It’s the worst possible thing that someone can ever say. It’s like saying “you failed at life. You hurt me deeply. You’re a horrible person.” Thankfully I have faith that I can pull myself up if I’m down like that, but it will definitely be a struggle.
I’ve been going back and forth between 6 and 4 since I started learning about the enneagram. I relate to both to some degree. But something I’ve noticed is, when people tell me not to worry about something. I’m constantly being told to stop worrying about things that might not happen, to calm down, and to stop overthinking. And to stop second guessing myself. Which the more I learn, are things someone would say to a six over a four. My boyfriend recently got injured and went back to his hometown to heal, and something that’s itching the back of my head is, what if he doesn’t come back? Among other thoughts. How would a 4 handle this situation? Your lover gets injured and has to go away to heal.
How a 4 might respond: afraid to not be needed for the partner, to be replaced by someone else either romantically or friend wise who is more interesting, or to not be able to provide the things they currently do in person that make them feel special and invaluable to their partner. Would prefer to be in person probably. How a 6 might respond: scared for the relationship falling apart IF the distance changes any other dynamics they have no matter how small. A six noticed tiny details and that suspicion will pick up on if their partner texts or calls them less often and wonder why they aren’t keeping the same routine (unless the partner communicates and doesn’t leave room for those curiosities). The 6 needs to feel like they are still #1 (close or far) and that best friend a whole is privy to their partners life because they have earned that #1 loyalist spot. And the 4 needs to feel like they cannot be replaced and reassured of that. Both are emotional and empathetic so it’s easy to mix them up. Both would need reassurance but the 6 needs more pro-active assurance (alleviate my fears before I even have any, don’t give me a reason to wonder just keep me in the loop), and 4s need more re-active assurance, if hey, in case you forgot, you are still the best person and could never be replaced in a million years, and reminded often. You’re meeting new people and adding new things to you’re life while far away- the 4 would be terrified that they no longer serve the purpose in helping and loving you in the ways they do with each new encounter you have. It’s simple to alleviate that fear tho with reminders and words of affirmation matching actions the 4 will be okay. The 6... well... once they are suspicious of you, and you’ve given them a reason, they can be harder to win over. Not because they are paranoid but because they typically have valid reasons (even if they themselves can’t put their finger on it!) they have an intuition typically routed in what they notice on microscopic levels (hence suspicious and paranoid) changes of behavior they observe either consciously or subconsciously. Both are feelers, both have crazy levels of empathy, the 3s I would say can be reminded of your love for them, the 6 once they feel burned can be difficult or impossible to win back. They will offer their loyalty elsewhere.
As a type 4 it isn't really "i have the same shirt", it's more like "i'd rather you wouldn't wear that shirt", not letting me express myself. My uniqueness doesn't come from everyone else being different than me, but from me being 110% myself. The other things are spot on tho, great video🤩
As a 5 - number one comment that makes me so upset is “you don’t know what you’re talking about” - I will have about 5,000 interior monologue-rebuttals to this. Along with other comments or teasings that question my intelligence. This is followed by - “yeah I really have no interest in talking about [insert my interest here]” Also-“stop asking questions” - that is like telling a 5 to hold their breath when they have something they need to figure out or understand.
As a 4w5 I must say that my biggest pet peeve is being told Im alike someone... A classic one: "oh my! You and your mother are so alike, are you twins??" like BROOOOO don't do this aaaaaargj! I rather have my limbs cut to being compared and stated that i look like someone else just don't!!
Gotcha! Types who'd go insane if you tell them they're not enough : 1, 3, 5, 8 Types who'd go insane if you tell them they don't matter : 2, 6, 7, 9 And there's 4, that hates being part of any group so I won't put them in one :p
@@messinalyle4030 my sister is a 4 and I'm a 5 and that's the case for her and me as well. I just summarized the video in a shortest possible way, but i dont think anyone likes to be told that they don't matter or that their feelings are stupid. We're all human and we all seek acceptance is what i feel..and that's very healthy.
@@saloni.sharma Apparently some people are more sensitive to it than others, or else we wouldn't have so many people communicating to others that they don't matter.
I'm a 1w9 and you nailed it! Anytime anyone has ever said something similar to what you said, it has absolutely crushed me. Especially the "you're a bad person"
i’m a four and i like to write, and something that really gets on my nerves is when someone compares my work to someone else’s or accuses me of copying something else. sigh.
The robot thing... yep. 5s aren't robots. Especially me, I have a strong 4 wing and am an sx/so type, so I don't really relate to the stereotypes of 5s. I'm not robotic or emotionless, on the inside there's a constant whirlwind of emotions and feelings or whatever, but on the outside I don't express it much. People call me robotic all the time though and it's extremely frustrating. Yes I have feelings, what makes you think you have the right to know them?
The type 1 insult hurt me the most. I really really hate being seen as a bad person. Even if I don’t really like talking to people sometimes I force myself to do so, so that they don’t think I’m a bad person. I have trouble saying “no” as well. Yesterday (coincidence?) my best friend’s dad told her I was a bad person and when I found that out I almost started crying. One other time, I was trying to join my friends in a queue and I got scolded by a random lady that said that I shouldn’t cut in line. She probably thought I was gonna buy something, but I didn’t have that in mind. I didn’t want to buy anything, I just wanted to join my friends and wait with them because they asked me to do so... I literally almost cried after that. I know cutting in line is a bad thing and when the lady accused me of doing that… I said “But I’m not going to buy anything!” out loud so that ppl around me would hear me. I hate being seen as a bad person… even tho most ppl there would think I’m cool or something. But I really hated my friends afterwards (not anymore) for making me join them. I really hated looking like a person that I hate a lot (people that cut in lines).
I'm a nine and I refereed one volleyball game. I only lasted five minutes when I literally ran away after a player yelled at me for not giving her a point that was clearly out of bounds. :)
as a type 4w5 with a strong 9 fix, here are some phrases that annoy me immensely: "just get over it!" "you don't know what you're talking about." "just do it! it's not that hard!" "stop overthinking this." *insert jokes about me being too introverted * *insert monosyllabic replies to a wall of meaningul text I wrote, either about me, my relationship with them, or my interests * "you're failing because you're not interested/aren't trying hard enough." "this is the only right way to do x." *insert anything that insinuates that the other person knows me better than I know myself * there's probably more but those were the ones I thought of right now.
As a 3 I can resonate SO much with your example. I always looked at it as being set up for failure. If someone asked me to do something and then intentionally didn’t tell me everything that was required then I had no way to meet their expectations or needs. They set me up. This is not something that someone who loved me would do. This is something that someone who is against me or wants to see me fail would do. 😅
I was given a final warning on the first offense on a job, it literally ruined my month. They still tease me about it and then I feel sick to my stomach. It’s a thing 💁🏼♀️
I'm sorry that those kinds of words hurt you. I cannot imagine the experience of that kind of pain, because I usually respond to that internally with "Pfft. What the hell do you know?" Because of my 3 mother raising me, I'm very good at acting the part in corporate America. But when people try to use those lines on me, they just don't work. It really confuses a LOT of people, and then they really have to grab at straws to figure out what will hurt me (what a sneaky 8 move, a false personality for people I don't care much for so they never know how to really hurt me). And that whole 'you're lying' shit. That hurts. This literally revolves around the specific incident that really cemented exactly WHY I don't trust people. I am not going into that on a public forum such as YT, but anything along the lines of "You're lying." or "I'm just going to disagree with your expert opinion because it doesn't suit my narrative." will literally have me jumping down throats and slicing people apart with my words.
As a 3, yes!! Totally agree with you. Or ever being reprimanded or getting in trouble as a child. I was always called a ‘teachers pet’ and my actions were out of fear of disappointing anyone in authority. Still struggle with this sometimes as an adult!
I’m also a 9w1, and sometimes can relate to the 4 when family says “don’t be too deep.” They mean well, and I’ve just learn to detach and withdraw from them so that my emotions won’t go in to the unhealthy end of a type 6. I’ve been there in February of this year, and my mindset, my anxiety was to the roof. I couldn’t even go outside, but it was so needed. My actions in withdrawing from my family, even people at church who spread rumors about me for having a gift of sinking, and it wasn’t easy. But it was needed for me to feel better. But I’m also learning to have better communication skills and ask wisdom from God, to wait for the right time to stay how I feel.
Here some time stamps for my homies out there in UA-cam land. Type 1 - 0:51 Type 2 - 2:20 Type 3 - 3:53 Type 4 - 5:55 Type 5 - 7:10 Type 6 - 8:26 Type 7 - 9:19 Type 8 - 10:11 Type 9 - 11:19 (Also context for this comment I'm 8w9. I feel like the alternate title of this video could be: "The Top Things Each Enneagram Type Needs to Learn to Come to Terms With" as I kind of feel like avoiding pointing out the truth that these are the most common things that each type struggles with handling. I feel like each type would be better off in the end if they came to terms with these truths and struggles and gained power over them instead of letting them continue forward eternally hurting them when they inevitably fall short in these areas in the future. I think this is the area that is viewed as heartless like she says in the video. I am about to put myself on blast right here in the comment section which is a bit uncomfortable to me for obvious reason but to be honest that is just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. When people see this type of behavior as heartless I just see people writhing and screaming out from the pain of hearing the truth that cuts away at their being only allowing for what is real and true to stand before points like those. I believe that the only reason that pain exists in these moments is because we want to grow ourselves in the darkness and not in the light of truth because when we keep it hidden we can grow it any way we choose. That appeals to everyone in different ways but it results in us continually being burned by what is true when it reveals our short comings. If we are willing to bear the pain of the truth then we can grow ourselves in the light of it and see when things need to be cut off or built up. We can see the diseases and see the treasures of our being in the light of the truth. Even if we continue to choose wrong we at least have it revealed to us and can get a sense of where we need to apply ourselves and remove ourselves if we are willing to approach it. I know it is rough and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you struggling against the pains of the human condition. I don't say any of this because I am heartless and don't care. It's because my heart goes out to people and I know the pain that living a lie causes and there is nothing that sets you free from that like the truth. I think the struggle with the 8 types is confusing and thinking that we own the truth and that we are above it in some way but nobody is and even that alone is a truth that 8's must answer to. What I am basically saying is that the truth is like a blade and that blade can be can be wielded like a sword to cut away at the hopes, dreams, and hearts of people and beat them into submission to you imposing your own truths on them after they are cut away, but it can also be wielded by ourselves and those we trust to have the expertise to wield it like a scalpel to cut out the cancers of our morals and psyche and the tumors growing in our lives. I say we should learn to wield our blades like scalpels instead of just taking paths of passivity leading to our hearts, minds and souls dying to the cancers growing in us that we are too scared to see out of fear of the pain it takes to remove them and the fear of losing too much of who we are. Almost the fear of a spiritual death to the truth. I would say my experience is even if the truth kills everything you currently are you can still rise again like Jesus Christ from the cross or a phoenix from the ashes (depending or which metaphor you prefer). You all are more than your actions, more than the current moment, and more than your fears. Don't let the lies keep you from experiencing those parts of the human spirit. It takes faith in the truth to traverse paths like the ones the truth puts you one but they are the paths I have seen to be the ones people find the most meaning in. Just my two cents that could be totally wrong because I am a foolish human like anyone else but I wanted to put it out there to be considered and judged according to what truth the rest of you can see.)
@@AbbeyHowe My husband is a 5, and you nailed one, too! Actually you did great with each number! I so appreciate learning about each type through your videos.
I appreciate you doing this video. Because we can hurt each other easily without knowing. We say words but it will be misunderstanding how so. Thank you!
As a 9, your comment about being a referee horrified me to my core. HARD PASS. Also my best friend is a 1 and the exact scenario you described happened to her at work, resulting in a full panic attack with her crying in a closet, so I can confirm that is very accurate.
Thanks you so much for this. As an 8 I hate advice so much and it just made me more intense in arguments. This video helped me and my family to see that unless I’m willing to hear advice then they shouldn’t give it to me.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head for 9s. Here's basically what went through my head lol: _"You're annoying me. Go away."_ Oof, that one hurt. I mean, my self esteem issues were already telling me that I probably was anyway, but you didn't have to say it. _"You're so chill, nothing phases you."_ Hahahahaha... Yeah, sure... Haha... _"Come on, lazybones! Get up! Get to work!"_ I'll do it when I do it! Chill out! _"You can break the tie for us! Italian or Mexican food?"_ AAAAAHHHH!!! I think what I hate being told the most boils down to something along the lines of, "Actually, let's do this instead." If you ask for my opinion or preference, please, for the love of God, don't minimize my response. It takes a lot for me to express my preferences and desires because I first have to overcome the fear of being talked over or ignored or invalidated or vetoed, because that's just what I'm so accustomed to. So if I actually do open up and make a decision for once in my life, don't change the decision because it's not _your_ preference and you know I won't mind. I probably wouldn't mind under normal circumstances, but when you're giving me the ability to choose and then take it away once I choose, it really gets under my skin and makes me less inclined to express my opinion on similar matters in the future. As a bit of representative example that's stuck around in my memory despite being a really minor instance, I was in the frozen section of the grocery store with my mom one time, and she said, "Pick whatever pizza you want for dinner tonight." Barbecue chicken pizza sounded really good at the time, so I picked out the barbecue chicken pizza. My choice was met with, "That's not even pizza, pick a different one." I immediately deflated and defaulted to our usual selection, supreme, because I knew that's what she would have picked in the first place if she hadn't given me the choice. Now, don't get me wrong, I love supreme pizza. It's one of my favorites. But for my own preference to make a rare guest appearance only to be invalidated, that's what bothered me.
Thank you for sharing this story, it really helps to understand 🧡and I'm so sad you had that experience, I hope you did get to enjoy on another occasion your BBQ chicken pizza 🍕 😊
I have a tendency to get heavily invested in the things I like and can go on talking about them for hours on end, often very passionately. And people who don't know me tell me that I'm too intense about "inconsequential" matters and that I should "calm down". I can't begin to tell you how that annoys me. These things are important to me and I will not calm down, dammit! 😅 (type 4)
2:50 My god the 2… my dnd character is a 8w7 Barbarian who’s boyfriend is literally her sidekick. I suspect he’s in the 1-2-3 range, probably a 2…they got in an argument over a mistake/miscommunication he made. She berated him a bit in attempt to be straight forward and get the details but eventually when it went no where, she told him she needed some time to think to herself and would return to him in an hour…and he took it as great as you’d expect… “you’re useless and I don’t want you here” is what he heard.
as a 6 whenever ppl say 'take your time' it just stresses me out more like whens the last time someone said that and meant 'omg hurry up and get ur shit together'
Notenoughness is always the “3s” heart pain…for sure…but these days, it is more of a gift when critiquing words come around, because they aren’t true and the illusion of them being true, fade with each interaction (maybe 🙃).
Type 9-1 Here! I Hate so much when my husband says. Time to get up in the morning lol like literally I'll probably be upset for the next 3 hours of u tell me that lol, if he woke me up like, hey babe.. I made u some coffee. I'd be ecstatic and also so very thankful lol. My husband being a Type 5-4 He feels like in most of abbys video he's portrayed as robotic. But with that 4 wing he's honestly very passionate and caring too. Oh yeah and if ur with a 5 never spring on a random activity or hey were going to your parents tomorrow I always have to give minimum a weeks notice lol
I’m kind of glad that you took that for the 4 perspective and not us just sort of moping around. If anything my ‘differences’ are a source of shame, and so when I stay true to myself and then get shamed- it really does hurt. I’m still thinking about one particular moment a couple of weeks ago and it’s still so painful. Being ‘seen’ is everything
What I hate hearing as a Six is, "You're overreacting" to something I'm worried about. Or that my tendency to worry about things is a burden, "too much" for the other person. My E5 son is always telling me, "Mom, it's about PROBABILITIES, not POSSIBILITIES" -- baloney! If it's possible, I'm going to worry about it. What I need, like you said, is reassurance that the other people in my life will be there for me and not abandon me when things get hard.
Infj 6w5 SP here... on the topic of “we need to talk” vague expression of the need for a face to face convo 😳🤯😥 (I haven’t told this story online anywhere but it’s been wanting to jump out and now seems like the moment.) My ENFP therapist and I had a three year therapy relationship, I was seeing her weekly. She terminated me 3-4 months ago because she emailed to ask for my husband to come to the first 10 mins of my session and when I asked why she gave the vaguest description ever. I FREAKED OUT (triggered massively) and cancelled the next two appointments, lost my mind for a month at least, gave her PLENTY of opportunity to know how distressed I was and respond to me asking what the face to face convo was going to be about... freaking out that she was going to set boundaries on me because I’d become attached to her. I tried to keep my mouth shut (messaging) but I lost it one day when she said “I told you what it’s about” (vague vague message from first incidence) and I said my friends were disappointed in how she’d handled things and I’d expected better from a therapist “who’s supposed to care about people”. All this was via text. Never a face to face. A few days later she emailed me and terminated. She wouldn’t do a last session. She wouldn’t do a last face to face chat outside of a session. She is my worship leader of my church and I am avoiding doing music because I’m so hurt 😭 Don’t tell a 6w5 you need to have an important conversation with them and not tell them what it’s about 😢 Also don’t dual relationship with a counsellor, it’s SO PAINFUL when it dies.
I'm a 4 too and that don't hurt me, because I think that being sensitive it's a blessing and a way to express myself and let other people express itself too. Being sensitive it's not a synonym of vulnerability, you can be really strong and also sensitive. Anyway, I understand your point. Sorry if I do mistakes on my writing, I'm from Catalonia and I don't want to go to google translator now 😅
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As a 9, what hurts me to the core is when I start to show my true opinions and preferences and the other person walks all over them anyway. It just reaffirms the false belief that everyone else matters more than me. Being interrupted at vulnerable moments can make me feel very resentful, whether I know that at the time or whether I make the anger unconscious (fuel for later passive aggressive flare ups).
♥️ that makes me so sad to hear that. As I 2, I have finely trained radar for 9s and am extra sensitive to this. Thank you for sharing 🤗
As a 9 I hate being interrupted when I speak. It's so hard to get back to the level of confidence I had before the interruption
Wow is that the truth!
Yess! Exactly! It makes me so mad and I never want to share that stuff again.
I HATE being interrupted! I feel like if I am taking the time to share my thoughts then listen then state yours (harmony). If I am interupted I have to start all over and it diminishes the impact of my words. It makes things way too complicated and confusing.
Me, a Type 4: Please do NOT call me basic or boring.
But also, PLEASE don't invalidate my emotions. Sit with me while I'm feeling all the things or at least leave me alone if you don't get it.
YES 👏🏽 Preach, Monique!
I always thought I was wrong or weird when I got upset so easily especially when people called me too emotional or they have all the same things I do. And I've come to learn ppl are gonna like the same things I do but that doesn't make them the same as me
Love this! I'm a 9 and I would also add- telling us what to do....when someone tells me "You should do...." Or "What you need to do is..." It makes want to do the opposite. Not that we don't appreciate thoughtful, loving advice, I know I do! But when someone tells me what to do, with no real observation of me, eeeeeewwwww!
Gross!! 😂 Agreed.
yeah that's the worst for me, I take advices really badly no matter how it's said.
Yes!!! I don't know why I get "rebellious" or something when someone tells me what to do with my life- I guess it is part of the type 9's inner stubbornness? Also, if someone tells me what I should be doing, it feels like criticism for what I already have been doing. On the outside I take criticism well, but on the inside it is a huge struggle (and it is especially difficult to hear when it comes from someone I really care about and am close with)
My husband is a 9 and the same way lol. I’ve had to learn not to phrase advice like, “you should do this,” but instead say it like, “here’s an idea.” Or, “have you thought of this?” I’ve noticed if I give it as a suggestion he’ll take the idea in consideration, otherwise his wall goes up and he does the opposite lol. It’s a good learning lesson for me too, because it helps me to learn how to speak more kindly. As a type 1 I can come off harsh without meaning too 🤭
Definitely this. As a nine we strongly value autonomy.
Another peeve for an 8 would have to be passive-aggression! It’s infuriating and frustrating and unproductive and a waste of time. If you have a problem, name it, solve it, and move on to the next.
TOTALLY!!
I'm an 8 and me and one of my friends (who's also an 8) legit just had a talk about how much we HAAATE passive-aggression!
100%
That annoys the fuck out of me too. So I play dumb and act either as if they're invisible or that they're my best friend and I take everything SUPER literally just to piss them off and make them actually USE THEIR WORDS.
I'm almost sure I'm an 8w7, and there are 3 things that annoy me in communication: 1) when people say "I need to tell you something" and then don't say what or start saying something super slowly and never finish it. 2) drama queens 3) passive-aggressive. If you use passive-aggressive to me I will simply ignore you and assume you are not talking about me. Or I might ask who are you talking about. If you understand astrology, I will also share that my natal Mercury is in Aries in the 8th house. I'm almost sure my husband is a 9w1. His natal Mercury is in Virgo also in the 8th. Now you imagine how we communicate, hahahaha. It works, but only because we understand we speak different languages. Oh, and we do speak different languages, for real. My native language is Portuguese.
As a 4, nothing hurts more than “you’re being dramatic”. Especially if you happen to be a performer or do any acting at all… people think it’s cute to call you a “drama queen” and then it feels like an insult when people use it to dismiss your emotions. This can lead to a kind of self-gaslighting of constant self doubt about whether any strong emotion is “appropriate”. And resisting strong emotions… leads to melt downs. And reinforces the story that you are a “drama queen”. And the internal fear that there is something deeply wrong with you.
It’s only as an adult now that I am learning to accept and validate my own emotions, knowing that nobody else’s experience is the same as mine and that’s okay. It’s also been important for me to recognize that if a thought or idea is causing me pain (maybe the thought: “Why are you being so dramatic?”), I can recognize the thought as untrue or unhelpful while still honoring and taking care of the feeling so I can process it and let it go. Validating my own emotions is what helps me de-escalate the drama and reclaim my own sanity.
Sometimes I just repeat “It’s okay to feel ____. It’s okay to feel ____.”over and over. We can all be special, AND all have the full human experience.
As an 8 I really appreciate the last bit about 8's actually having feelings. Too often people take the directness and fact that conflict doesn't scare us to create this image that we are all bullies, tyrants, or sociopaths. A lot of us care very deeply and will go farther than most would ever dream for those we love. Appreciate the acknowledgment and truth.
Well done.
My best friend is an 8 and the love from an 8 is the most honest thing in the world
Type 8 here my reply to those who say I am cold is you are not paying attention I run hot on everything. If you think I am cold, when I am angry, it is because I am using restraint because I realize burning you down is not going to help matters.
6w5- “let’s play it by ear. We can be spontaneous!”
*dies inside*
LOLLLLL
100000% correct
Yessssss
I mean I’m a 6w7 and an ENFP so not this one as much. But I do like specifics- that I can then be flexible around- because I like being spontaneous and that freedom- but i need to know the boundaries because I’m terrified of getting things wrong
that hurts me
type 8 here, and I love the deep emotions of the 5's, I love the slow dance with their many boundaries, the slow move behind the lines, and the reward when they finally open up, and you have an ally for life.
We are quite an enigma, but we are worth the challenge it takes to decode :p
As a Type 7 one of the things that hurt hearing the most was something like "give it a rest". Every seven knows being told they are annoying and childish etc. But, for me at least, most of the time I try to cheer up people and look on the bright side. Then being told "give it a rest", for me that implied that I had no idea of what was really going on and would not even understand it, if one would bother to explain. I felt like I was being treated like a child who could never see the real brutality of the world and is only being a burden that had to be dealt with on top of the bad situation. It felt like not acknowledging that positive people also know hurt. Making sevens feel like a child that doesn't know/understand things or that doesn't know what it's like to be sad/serious really leaves a mark, as you can tell by this essay lol (like you already said in your video. Love watching these, much love♡)
i totally relate to that!! I absolutely hate when I try to comfort people and they just think I don’t understand what it’s like to be sad. I only comfort people because that’s the only way I know how to move on from a problem. It’s hard to remember that some people aren’t like us quick-moving and optimistic 7s!
@@taylormitchell4562 yes exactly! Glad someone can relate
@@silencesfell ahww thanks ♡ same goes for you! Where would we be without our peacemakers?
Type 9's: stop talking over us. Stop interrupting and let us talk.
Allow us to get a word in and when we do... please listen and wait till we are done.
Be more succinct and I won’t need help you.
Start standing up for yourself😂.
Stop being such a pushover.
@@sparrowhawk5673 wow clearly you understand nothing about a nine. What a comment.
@@LuckyJAmbrose hey it's kids like you that have their alternative eight Wing come out once they get beat up. Learning the hard way how to finally stand up for yourself. It's not about understanding it's about becoming a better version of yourself. Enneagram 9s are bold when they write but not in person.
@@sparrowhawk5673 I am bold both in writing and in person… and people love to hear themselves talk… especially men. Talking over 9’s is a thing. We are excellent listeners but would like to get a word in now and then. It’s just that simple. And it’s rather annoying. Oh and thanks for calling this 71 year old a ‘kid’. ❤️
For a lot of types, their boundaries are like inner walls which protect the most vulnerable parts of their soul. For type 5s, boundaries are more like exterior walls, for example of a house or, better yet, a castle, which you shall not enter, blackguard, unless you are prepared to bare steel in defense of YOUR OWN heathenous soul.
This is the first time “heathenous soul” has been used in a comment section of mine 😂
NOT 2s 😭 okay okay.. maybe sometimes, but you do NOT want be around us when we're trying to wall it up. Healthy 8s are AMAZING with boundaries. Every 2 needs a healthy 8 in their life SRSLY. Oh and if they love you they will fight to the death for you.
I'm a 5 and i can confirm this.
Most souls are heathenous unless proven otherwise 😂😂😂
@@jfish032 I needed to make a month break with a type 2 in relationship. I got too claustrophobic . It actually helped the relationship, don’t know if I’m all that healthy as an 8 though. But I am good at setting boundaries, making time limits etc. Making time outs.
Thanks for sharing@@hirsch4155 . That makes a lot of sense :) also, when I said "every 2 needs a healthy 8 in their life" I didn't necessarily mean marriage, could also be a friend, coworker, etc. Just someone to learn from and admire the hell out of.
As a 9(w1) I always get hit with the "You're so chill!" one and I always find myself forced to reply "Only on the outside", just so they don't end up stressing me out more thinking I can handle it.
😄
I'm a type 9w1
I'm a type 9. I'm always unsure if I have an 8 or 9 wing, but the 8 seems to speak to me on this one.
I've always been kind of dramatic and sensitive for a guy and growing up my siblings would tell me to be quiet, to stop complaining, to stop whining and such, when I was just expressing myself. Eventually I felt like I couldn't express myself without people feeling like I was getting upset or being whiny or dramatic. So I started to suppress my own emotions and focused instead on how to ensure everyone else was feeling. Suddenly I became that person that everyone expressing their own issues to, while I feel like I have no one that can be that person for me. As a result, I feel like I'm the most relaxed when I'm alone. I don't have to worry about easing tension between people, I don't have to share my opinions and risk having disagreements, and I don't have to worry about people having expectations on me, I don't have to worry about others' emotions or issues...
But one of the worst things I've heard over the years is when I'm actually getting passionate about something and people ask me if I'm upset or angry. I try to deny it, but if they keep pressing, I start to actually get angry. Like, why can't I express how I feel about something without people interpreting it as anger?
Also, giving criticism is such a huge source of stress for me. I could never be a boss because I would have such a hard time telling my staff harsh news.
Hi, fellow 9 here! I really relate to the fear that expressing deep or strong feelings will lead to ridicule, conflict, or rejection, and also love the rest of being alone without that invisible feeling of pressure.
I just want to say that it's messed up that the idea of dramatic and sensitive "for a guy" even exists. Like, guys have feelings too, and it should be considered just as valid for them to express emotion as for women.
May your life be filled with people who fully accept you in both your mildness and your passion! I also hope you find someone(s) you can talk to authentically about YOUR feelings, which, as always, are as valid as ANYONE else's
Wow, as an Enneagram 6, I really agree with the description in this video. I hate it when people invalidate my worries and anxiety, and I have to spend days after days to really process this anxiety alone until I am okay to function again. I learnt and accept that my fear of being unsafe is what makes me who I am, and exploring better ways to cope with my anxiety 🤣
You defending the 8s against the all-too-frequent "heartless" comments made this 8 want to give you a giant thank-you hug.
I’m with you. I appreciate someone who will stand up for 8s against that mess.
Just wanna say that I love 8's and they're the most passionate people ever and will literally stay by you no matter what if you matter to them.
They don't have to be fuzzy with everyone, no one has to be and they aren't heartless for that.
As a 4, what I hate to hear is "you're too sensitive"
Um maybe you're insensitive?? You ever think about that???
9w1: totally agree with all you mentioned! Especially the rushing and the “lazy”😳🤢
Also: “Don’t you think so-and-so is terrible…” Because I am generally chill, people seem to find me an easy person to complain to, often complaining about mutual acquaintances. But I’m so hardwired to see the best in everyone that I always try to stand up for the absent party, which means I’m not “in harmony” with the person in front of me. Feeling forced to either a) express a negative opinion about someone or b) risk damaging a relationship is the definition of my own personal hell
Do you find you attract negative people? I have always had this issue. People feel safe and accepted around me so they feel comfortable sharing all their negative opinions! I mean it's nice that we offer them an accepting ear and a positive spin, I'm glad I can be a source of light in their lives...but it's also really draining!
This
Type 1w9. Man, when you said the line “you’re a bad person” my mouth dropped. That would be a horrible thing to hear! If someone told me that I would probably spend the next week doing every nice thing possible to make up for someone thinking I was a bad person 😭
Also, as a strong 9 wing, that tie breaker thing rings so true. I hate it when people make me a tie breaker. Like, obviously I have a preference, but what if someone is upset by my choice?
My inner dialogue while watching this video:
“Hmm.. I wonder what she’s gonna say for the 8 (my type)… What SHOULDN’T someone say to my type? Hmm.. can’t think of anything …drawing a blank. There really isn’t anything I wouldn’t want to hear…
Abbey: There actually isn’t much you could say to a type 8 that they wouldn’t want to hear” LOL
Nailed it again girl!
I hate when people tell me what to do. Or anyone who tries to control me.
As an 8, I get annoyed when people don't* tell me what they think about me/the situation/their true emotions! I'll take anger and harsh words over silence!
Can confirm as a 4 wing 5 my biggest pet peeve is someone telling me how i think and/or feel. I appreciate friends that realize that im internally processing and my emotions wont always be on my face. It frustrates me when someone says what Im feeling or thinking because it’s usually wrong/ it feels like they are putting me in a box lol
Exactly! (I'm a 4w5 too) and you just took the words out of my mouth
I’m a 9 and I feel you so hard. Especially when they assert they know what I’m thinking/feeling more than what I do.
1w9 here and yes, we obssess over the "you're a bad person" for months. In fact, it's pretty much buried in our subconscious.
But the killer sentence for me is "You're a failure", that cuts deep.
Great video, Abbey!
Oof, as a 3, the failure sentence would cut me deep too. Thanks for watching and commenting, Avionne!
Oof. I can tell “You’re a failure” feels like an attack for me too, but as a 5 it immediately triggers my intellectualization defenses where I retaliate by attacking the premise of the statement; “What does ‘failure’ mean,” “I owe you nothing,” that sort of thing.
I think “You’re not enough,” would nail me to the board, though.
2w1 here, but I also obsess over the "you're a bad person" for months, too.
I’m a 9w1 and I feel this STRONGLY. 🥺
@@AlskaNoelle Yeah, I'm definitely feeling that in the 1 wing, too.
i'm a 5, and omg it was so accurate-
I'm also a wing 4, and it's absolutely true. Once i told a friend of mine about how i felt, and they said "oh, i feel that way too" it seems silly, but it hurted me. I wanted to feel special, and like my feelings are different and rare. I know it sounds so stupid, but yeah.
For the five, expectations was right on spot. Disappointing someone who have expectations on me is my BIGGEST fear. I also hate when someone depends on me
Glad it resonated with you!! 💕
Abbey, it’s so the BOSS’s fault about the dishes story 😡
I once had a boss sabotage me by making up false criticism on my performance to their higher ups. I woke up sobbing.
As a 9, I can't agree more with your comment about being a referee. As a mom I'm constantly having to referee my kids interactions. This video helped me realize why this has been so challenging to me. Also, "You're so chill..." is not helpful to a 9. We may portray that on the outside for your benefit, but the inner battle to keep things peaceful is our secret struggle and we don't want to be reminded of it. Abbey, thank you for helping us learn more about ourselves and why we react the ways we do in relation to our Enneagram #'s.
7 - I don't care too much about FOMO anymore (I've just learned to independent in everything I do as an adult), but it's the playfulness = stupidity mentality that a lot of people have commented toward me that always instantly deflates me. Especially as 7s grow toward a healthy 5, we crave information and understanding, those comments are especially hurtful to me.
I’ve got an idea for your next video: Catch phrases of each type. As a 6 you need to include “The worst case scenario is…” and “I’m glad I’m not the only one!”
I’m a 6 and I related so much to this comment! Haha I often say something like, “Well, I guess the worst that could happen is…” and also “Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one then!” I understand that the worst case scenario phrase has to do with needing to plan for possible future bumps in the road, but I’m now curious: Which part of the 6’s core desires or fears are related to not wanting to be the only one or finding comfort in the fact that someone else is or feels similar to you?
Type 8 here and agree with all the examples for my type. Absolutely cannot stand for someone to tell me I don’t care or I don’t have feelings. Are you kidding me? You’re exactly right, we’re just not all warm and fuzzy about it. Look at our actions though! I wouldn’t waste my time if I didn’t care about you! Ugh, frustrating. I love when people get that type 8s love a good debate (argument😬) and it’s a form of intimacy for us. It was awesome to learn I wasn’t alone! Love your videos!
I'm a 4W5 and I gotta say when you described a 4 I thought, " AMEN!!" " and was tempted to share it with everyone I know. I can relate to some things of type 5 too.
Your portrayal of type 1 is so spot on! And YES, I do dwell on the criticism for a loooong time, analyzing it, judging myself, improving because of it…
This didn’t fit me but I’m weird. I’m a ENFP and love deep conversations and investigating like a 5 but at first glance you would assume I was a 7. I’m a 5w6. I love learning about people, and spontaneous adventures, But Im always problem solving in everything I do. And I don’t care what people think about me but I love learning about others and exploring deep ideas. On enneagram I rarely fit the stereotype. Because I’m an extroverted 5 and have used my ability to research towards social life so I don’t fit the 5 stereotype as being introverted. I investigate social gatherings, their fun for me. I get frustrated if someone says that’s a stupid idea, I don’t want to talk about that, or won’t let me present all the research I’ve done on a topic and shuts down a good conversation.
OOH INTERESTING- I am an ENFP 7w6 (yep I am the stereotype 😂) and I actually relate to this, ngl it’s the Ne curiosity that makes you want to investigate and things, and to wonder and the Fi attachment to get to know how something works. I’m curious what made you type as a type 5? Just because I love hearing about unusual combos like ENFP 5w6 which I have never heard of anyone with that type combo before :)
Well, as a 5, obligations/expectations are definitely one of the biggest stress factors, though they are hard to completely avoid.
It sounds ridiculous that anyone would ever actually say that to a real person & not an anime characterbut I did actually get more than 1 ex boyfriend saying something like the robot line which was like... just kind of makes me feel like if I'm gonna do it wrong I should just not bother to talk to ppl ever again, which I of course realize its silly.
I'm actually pretty sensitive on the inside & trying hard to keep it together so it's a bit like salt in the wounds
We also definitely had to train our mom out of the "we need to talk" thing cause my sisters are type 6s and it does freak them out.
That said, there's at least one type 1 that I probably owe an apology to.
I'm a 5 and have been called a robot or something akin to that many, many times. I'm very reserved in emotional expression and can be quite aloof. Doesn't really bother me and I don't want to expend energy in a fruitless argument against it because, to me, its of little import. Now, if someone wants to converse about the nature of quantum mechanics or different schools of philosophical thought, I can barely contain my excitement and can talk until you can't stand to hear my voice anymore.
As a 9, hearing the message that my deep emotions or opinions are a problem or are not valid pushes me down and so I shrink myself or hide that part of myself from the people I don’t feel are accepting. And oh my god that “come on lazy bones hurry up get to work”, I cringed to my core, I so worry about others seeing me as lazy, but I have inattentive ADHD and executive dysfunction and don’t have a lot of internal energy and motivation for getting shit done all the time and I have slow processing, so being pushed to hurry up when I’m already trying my hardest is a super big trigger and has made me cry while working in retail a few times
Felt that. Also have inattentive adhd. It’s like people expect you to constantly know everything that’s happening and catch all of the raindrops while they’re falling down. Scheduling especially falls behind for me…
As a 9, that also has inattentive ADHD I relate to this soooo much! I naturally operate and process at a slower pace than most people. I get so anxious and overwhelmed when I’m expected to move to someone else’s pace especially when it’s much faster than my own. For example, I hate driving other people when other people are in the car. They usually want me to drive at their pace and their way. So I end up driving and making decisions faster than what I’m comfortable with. I also hate when people watch me do something. I feel pressured to move faster then I end up messing up
@@silencesfell Ok turns out I'm actually a 2, but this sentiment still stands for me regardless of type. I guess this is more a trigger for my ADHD/executive functioning profile and trauma rather than a trigger for my enneagram.
As a type 5 I agree fully. Everyone EXPECTS me to know how to do everything and to know everything. I DONT HAVE THE TIME AND ENERGY FOR THAT!
As the wife of an 8, I think one of the worst things they can hear is ... to hear from someone else that you said something negative about them, no matter how small. 8's consider this not a minor infraction, but BETRAYAL.
Fact.
I'm a 2. I can remember with excruciating clarity, being a kid at camp being told by a counselor that they did not need my help. I was crushed, embarrassed, and cried myself to sleep that night. I also avoided that counselor so that I would be less likely to annoy her again. In general I fear coming off as annoying or mean.
As a Type 1, I definitely felt like throwing up hearing those words lol Also, potentially hiding under my desk and never coming out again... Thanks Abbey Howe! Spot on!
Oh no! Hope you come out from under the desk!! 😂 Thanks for watching and commenting, Melissa!
Ouch! You started mean with that first phrase for a 6..."....We need to talk." I seriously felt my stomach drop, lol.
Oh my. I'm a type 6, and when you started with "we need to talk" .... I physically felt that in the base of my skull and it ran down my spine into my gut where it sat. You nailed it!
And yes, "don't worry about it," "you're making mountains out of molehills," and "that will never happen" are triggering for me. Thank you for making me feel "seen."
I'm a 6w7 and first of all if I let you in on the fact that I'm feeling anxious, overwhelmed or sad, you're special because I don't share those feelings with people. And second, when people say stop over thinking or worrying I get so annoyed. It's like, yeah I haven't figured out how to stop that part of my brain so please just hug me, listen to me or buy me snacks. I know it will go away but not by you saying stop worrying 😪
Type 2w3 with a type 5 partner here. One thing I have learned over the years with my partner is that the processing time thing is SO TRUE. I realize that if I ask a question where I want a real answer, I might need to wait a full minute in silence while he thinks about it. For my impatient 2 self, this feels like an eternity sometimes! I want to jump in and make suggestions, but now I know I just need to bite my lip and wait.
SO TRUE. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. I also like hearing about a 2 and a 5 partnership and how to make it work.
As a 5 who has a few fantastic 2 friends, I cannot imagine living with a 2. Sounds like you would need some good boundaries/ground rules in place, or the 2 would likely feel neglected while the 5 felt suffocated.
As a 5, I don't like having expectations because I don't want to fail and let them down. Besides, my personal expectations are higher than theirs could ever be. It does take me a while to process things too.
As a 7, I don't like hearing, "No, we can't go on vacation or buy that." I am married to a 6 and his first reaction to everything is "No!" like I am a child and he is the parent. I want an even discussion and to make plans for the future with some "Yes, let's do that!" occasionally.
Abbey you're spot on about Type 6's. when I'm telling someone about an issue. Hear me out and simply acknowledge my fear! My brain will explode if I hear don't worry about it! ugh...just hearing people say that just hit me at the core.
This might be a late respons but I’m literally climbing up the walls when I'm anxious. Soooo many sleepless nights because I'm so in my head. Always takes a while to realize that I'm in my head and then find a way out. Had to start asking people close to me to ask what I'm thinking if I'm to quiet... (6w7)
As a 1, this is absolutely true! Don't critize! Point out the things I do well, then ask "How did you arrive at that decision? " "Help me understand".
I’m a little confused about my type. I think I’m a 2w1, but I’m not as bothered by “I don’t need your help” or “You weren’t there for me.” Because My worth isn’t based off of what I do for you… It’s based off of how you feel about me! So I hate “You’re mean” or “You didn’t consider how that made me feel.” ARE YOU KIDDING? I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL DAY! I’M OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU’RE FEELING! IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU REFUSE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT SO I CAN BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED!!! Ahem…
So if you have any insight I’d appreciate it… I hope this didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
Me (9) and my sister (7) had a conversation about how she would LOVE to be a referee and that is literally the farthest thing in the world from anything i would ever want to do in my life. I would have to lean HARD into my wings if i was forced to do it 😂
I learned that 9w8 are referred to as "the referee" in some circles. They don't struggle with decisions if what's being decided brings harmony in the way a referee can 'objectively' make calls.
As a type 2, I would definitely emphasize Abby’s point that I greatly appreciate when other people are warm and affectionate with me the way I tend to be with other people!!! Yup!!!!!!
I'm a 9w8 and the thought of being a ref and having 1/2 of an entire stadium be mad at me is my worst nightmare 😂 but I could probably choose which food to eat
I am a 4 and I hate it when my friends act as they know me and like they can summarize me. I want to feel boundless and interesting not simple.
Type 7 here, I absolutely HATE being left out. It makes my mind race with all the reasons why someone hates me all because I wasn't invited to lunch or whatever. I'm learning how to cope with it though!
Yep...type 1 and if you tell me I made a mistake I will think about it for literally the rest of my life. In my mind if I think about the mistake I made enough then I'll be less likely to make that mistake again.
I’ve heard this from SO MANY 1s!! Thanks for sharing.
Seriously! I was told "you're colouring wrong" in grade 3...
1. She was wrong and I still prescribe to my 3rd grade methods...
2. Regardless of who is right or wrong... how many other memories do I have from that grade? Like none... just the one time the teacher told me I was bad at colouring... it is so engraved inside my brain that anytime I colour even at 30yrs old I am hyper sensitive to how my lines look on the page... and I can't get her words "your wrong" out of my head...
Honestly one of the better Enneagtam videos I've seen(a 5 who is intrigued by the Enneagtam at that). As a 5 it finally articulated the expectations side as opposed to competency or people energy. Also helped alot with family in other numbers 1, 2, 3 and 9. Thank you for this one!
I was surprised by that as a 5. These did not trigger me as much as if it had been regarding competency. Maybe because I am good about having boundaries? I know what I can handle. No one is dropping in for a stay with me. I don’t have a problem referring them to a hotel.
And I generally don’t care what other people think as long as it does not relate to my competency. If they say I have no emotions, that doesn’t bother me even though it’s not entirely accurate.
Lots of 9's in these comments. And I'm adding another. As a 9, I HATE when people assume things. I've had so many people take advantage of me and my easy-goingness by saying "Oh i just assumed you wouldn't mind" It drives me crazy because I DO MIND but now that whatever you did already happened, i'm going to say "you're right its fine" and let it go because I don't wanna wanna cause problems/ have conflict.
I'm a 7 and one thing that cut me to the core was when a college friend of mine invited all of our mutual friends to her wedding but not me (being left out!). She based her guest list on if she had seen the person in the last 3 years, but forgot about a group trip we did together during that time (you forgot about me??). And I was on the bcc'd email letting me know that she had a hard decision but I was not invited (an UNinvitation??) I got over it, but ouch.
Bahaha fantastic. Spot on. I teared up a little when you were talking to us 2s 🥺 thank you ♥️ ALSO I weirdly related to the 4s a lot for just wanting to be heard sometime. My 4 and 9 friends are amazing at this 😍 9s just naturally reflect back whatever I'm feeling cause of their absorbent and non-judgemental vibes. 9s help me see the big picture from a narrative point of viewwhile 4s sit with all the nuances of my emotions 🥰
3s always ask me what I'm gonna do next 😂 all types have their value. My 3 wing makes me all strategic like about who to turn to for whi h situations, lol
I'm a type 5. My biggest pet peeve is people making enemies out of others even though their intentions are pure or they're commiting no real harm to them -- the only harm being in their mind and egos.
It annoys me when people can't work together and agree to disagree. It annoys me when people allow their opinions to distract them from the truth.
This might be due to my personality type being driven by finding the truth and understanding or something, so I expect people to be friends with people they disagree with; people who can challenge them and allow them to grow. The most important part of a friendship for me is challenging my perspective and understanding and being patient while I learn my lesson. I don't like it when people aren't straightforward with me or don't give me the chance to be better. As a type 5, my life revolves around innovation and change. I'm always looking for better ways to do things and expect my loved ones to appreciate this about me.
It bothers the heck out of me when people surround themselves with yes men and are comfortable in their shortsighted and ignorant perspectives. I just want people to get over their egos and grow together ! There's so much unnecessary hate in the world! Who cares if he agrees with you politically? He's still a good guy! Why is it such a big deal that she wears her hat inside out?
I guess my friends end up being cooler for that reason. 🤷
I guess I see hate as a decision guided by emotions rather than rationality. Into my innerworld I go! I'm free in there! Haha.
Totally agreed! Though as a two, the first sentence didn’t cut as much as the third. I don’t need you help is something I can take, cause I know I sometimes offer over what I need to- but “you weren’t there for me when I needed you” will make curl into a ball and avoid leaving my room for months. It’s the worst possible thing that someone can ever say. It’s like saying “you failed at life. You hurt me deeply. You’re a horrible person.” Thankfully I have faith that I can pull myself up if I’m down like that, but it will definitely be a struggle.
My kid is a 9. “Get up and move it! You’re as slow as molasses rolling down the hill on a cold day! Get going!” She hates that
I’ve been going back and forth between 6 and 4 since I started learning about the enneagram. I relate to both to some degree. But something I’ve noticed is, when people tell me not to worry about something. I’m constantly being told to stop worrying about things that might not happen, to calm down, and to stop overthinking. And to stop second guessing myself. Which the more I learn, are things someone would say to a six over a four. My boyfriend recently got injured and went back to his hometown to heal, and something that’s itching the back of my head is, what if he doesn’t come back? Among other thoughts. How would a 4 handle this situation? Your lover gets injured and has to go away to heal.
How a 4 might respond: afraid to not be needed for the partner, to be replaced by someone else either romantically or friend wise who is more interesting, or to not be able to provide the things they currently do in person that make them feel special and invaluable to their partner. Would prefer to be in person probably.
How a 6 might respond: scared for the relationship falling apart IF the distance changes any other dynamics they have no matter how small. A six noticed tiny details and that suspicion will pick up on if their partner texts or calls them less often and wonder why they aren’t keeping the same routine (unless the partner communicates and doesn’t leave room for those curiosities).
The 6 needs to feel like they are still #1 (close or far) and that best friend a whole is privy to their partners life because they have earned that #1 loyalist spot. And the 4 needs to feel like they cannot be replaced and reassured of that.
Both are emotional and empathetic so it’s easy to mix them up. Both would need reassurance but the 6 needs more pro-active assurance (alleviate my fears before I even have any, don’t give me a reason to wonder just keep me in the loop), and 4s need more re-active assurance, if hey, in case you forgot, you are still the best person and could never be replaced in a million years, and reminded often. You’re meeting new people and adding new things to you’re life while far away- the 4 would be terrified that they no longer serve the purpose in helping and loving you in the ways they do with each new encounter you have. It’s simple to alleviate that fear tho with reminders and words of affirmation matching actions the 4 will be okay. The 6... well... once they are suspicious of you, and you’ve given them a reason, they can be harder to win over. Not because they are paranoid but because they typically have valid reasons (even if they themselves can’t put their finger on it!) they have an intuition typically routed in what they notice on microscopic levels (hence suspicious and paranoid) changes of behavior they observe either consciously or subconsciously. Both are feelers, both have crazy levels of empathy, the 3s I would say can be reminded of your love for them, the 6 once they feel burned can be difficult or impossible to win back. They will offer their loyalty elsewhere.
As a type 4 it isn't really "i have the same shirt", it's more like "i'd rather you wouldn't wear that shirt", not letting me express myself. My uniqueness doesn't come from everyone else being different than me, but from me being 110% myself. The other things are spot on tho, great video🤩
As a 5 - number one comment that makes me so upset is “you don’t know what you’re talking about” - I will have about 5,000 interior monologue-rebuttals to this. Along with other comments or teasings that question my intelligence. This is followed by - “yeah I really have no interest in talking about [insert my interest here]” Also-“stop asking questions” - that is like telling a 5 to hold their breath when they have something they need to figure out or understand.
As a 4w5 I must say that my biggest pet peeve is being told Im alike someone... A classic one: "oh my! You and your mother are so alike, are you twins??" like BROOOOO don't do this aaaaaargj! I rather have my limbs cut to being compared and stated that i look like someone else just don't!!
Gotcha! Types who'd go insane if you tell them they're not enough : 1, 3, 5, 8
Types who'd go insane if you tell them they don't matter : 2, 6, 7, 9
And there's 4, that hates being part of any group so I won't put them in one :p
I don't know, as a 4 myself, I'm not too keen on being told that I don't matter, either. Especially that my emotions don't matter.
@@messinalyle4030 my sister is a 4 and I'm a 5 and that's the case for her and me as well. I just summarized the video in a shortest possible way, but i dont think anyone likes to be told that they don't matter or that their feelings are stupid. We're all human and we all seek acceptance is what i feel..and that's very healthy.
@@saloni.sharma Apparently some people are more sensitive to it than others, or else we wouldn't have so many people communicating to others that they don't matter.
Good summary
@@gingermo thanks :)
I'm a 1w9 and you nailed it! Anytime anyone has ever said something similar to what you said, it has absolutely crushed me. Especially the "you're a bad person"
i’m a four and i like to write, and something that really gets on my nerves is when someone compares my work to someone else’s or accuses me of copying something else.
sigh.
The robot thing... yep. 5s aren't robots. Especially me, I have a strong 4 wing and am an sx/so type, so I don't really relate to the stereotypes of 5s. I'm not robotic or emotionless, on the inside there's a constant whirlwind of emotions and feelings or whatever, but on the outside I don't express it much. People call me robotic all the time though and it's extremely frustrating. Yes I have feelings, what makes you think you have the right to know them?
The type 1 insult hurt me the most. I really really hate being seen as a bad person. Even if I don’t really like talking to people sometimes I force myself to do so, so that they don’t think I’m a bad person. I have trouble saying “no” as well.
Yesterday (coincidence?) my best friend’s dad told her I was a bad person and when I found that out I almost started crying.
One other time, I was trying to join my friends in a queue and I got scolded by a random lady that said that I shouldn’t cut in line. She probably thought I was gonna buy something, but I didn’t have that in mind. I didn’t want to buy anything, I just wanted to join my friends and wait with them because they asked me to do so... I literally almost cried after that. I know cutting in line is a bad thing and when the lady accused me of doing that… I said “But I’m not going to buy anything!” out loud so that ppl around me would hear me. I hate being seen as a bad person… even tho most ppl there would think I’m cool or something. But I really hated my friends afterwards (not anymore) for making me join them. I really hated looking like a person that I hate a lot (people that cut in lines).
I'm a nine and I refereed one volleyball game. I only lasted five minutes when I literally ran away after a player yelled at me for not giving her a point that was clearly out of bounds. :)
as a type 4w5 with a strong 9 fix, here are some phrases that annoy me immensely: "just get over it!" "you don't know what you're talking about." "just do it! it's not that hard!" "stop overthinking this." *insert jokes about me being too introverted * *insert monosyllabic replies to a wall of meaningul text I wrote, either about me, my relationship with them, or my interests * "you're failing because you're not interested/aren't trying hard enough." "this is the only right way to do x." *insert anything that insinuates that the other person knows me better than I know myself * there's probably more but those were the ones I thought of right now.
As a 3 I can resonate SO much with your example. I always looked at it as being set up for failure. If someone asked me to do something and then intentionally didn’t tell me everything that was required then I had no way to meet their expectations or needs. They set me up. This is not something that someone who loved me would do. This is something that someone who is against me or wants to see me fail would do. 😅
I was given a final warning on the first offense on a job, it literally ruined my month. They still tease me about it and then I feel sick to my stomach. It’s a thing 💁🏼♀️
I'm sorry that those kinds of words hurt you. I cannot imagine the experience of that kind of pain, because I usually respond to that internally with "Pfft. What the hell do you know?"
Because of my 3 mother raising me, I'm very good at acting the part in corporate America. But when people try to use those lines on me, they just don't work. It really confuses a LOT of people, and then they really have to grab at straws to figure out what will hurt me (what a sneaky 8 move, a false personality for people I don't care much for so they never know how to really hurt me).
And that whole 'you're lying' shit. That hurts. This literally revolves around the specific incident that really cemented exactly WHY I don't trust people. I am not going into that on a public forum such as YT, but anything along the lines of "You're lying." or "I'm just going to disagree with your expert opinion because it doesn't suit my narrative." will literally have me jumping down throats and slicing people apart with my words.
As a 3, yes!! Totally agree with you. Or ever being reprimanded or getting in trouble as a child. I was always called a ‘teachers pet’ and my actions were out of fear of disappointing anyone in authority. Still struggle with this sometimes as an adult!
I’m also a 9w1, and sometimes can relate to the 4 when family says “don’t be too deep.” They mean well, and I’ve just learn to detach and withdraw from them so that my emotions won’t go in to the unhealthy end of a type 6. I’ve been there in February of this year, and my mindset, my anxiety was to the roof. I couldn’t even go outside, but it was so needed. My actions in withdrawing from my family, even people at church who spread rumors about me for having a gift of sinking, and it wasn’t easy. But it was needed for me to feel better. But I’m also learning to have better communication skills and ask wisdom from God, to wait for the right time to stay how I feel.
Here some time stamps for my homies out there in UA-cam land.
Type 1 - 0:51
Type 2 - 2:20
Type 3 - 3:53
Type 4 - 5:55
Type 5 - 7:10
Type 6 - 8:26
Type 7 - 9:19
Type 8 - 10:11
Type 9 - 11:19
(Also context for this comment I'm 8w9.
I feel like the alternate title of this video could be: "The Top Things Each Enneagram Type Needs to Learn to Come to Terms With" as I kind of feel like avoiding pointing out the truth that these are the most common things that each type struggles with handling.
I feel like each type would be better off in the end if they came to terms with these truths and struggles and gained power over them instead of letting them continue forward eternally hurting them when they inevitably fall short in these areas in the future.
I think this is the area that is viewed as heartless like she says in the video. I am about to put myself on blast right here in the comment section which is a bit uncomfortable to me for obvious reason but to be honest that is just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.
When people see this type of behavior as heartless I just see people writhing and screaming out from the pain of hearing the truth that cuts away at their being only allowing for what is real and true to stand before points like those.
I believe that the only reason that pain exists in these moments is because we want to grow ourselves in the darkness and not in the light of truth because when we keep it hidden we can grow it any way we choose.
That appeals to everyone in different ways but it results in us continually being burned by what is true when it reveals our short comings.
If we are willing to bear the pain of the truth then we can grow ourselves in the light of it and see when things need to be cut off or built up.
We can see the diseases and see the treasures of our being in the light of the truth.
Even if we continue to choose wrong we at least have it revealed to us and can get a sense of where we need to apply ourselves and remove ourselves if we are willing to approach it.
I know it is rough and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you struggling against the pains of the human condition.
I don't say any of this because I am heartless and don't care.
It's because my heart goes out to people and I know the pain that living a lie causes and there is nothing that sets you free from that like the truth.
I think the struggle with the 8 types is confusing and thinking that we own the truth and that we are above it in some way but nobody is and even that alone is a truth that 8's must answer to.
What I am basically saying is that the truth is like a blade and that blade can be can be wielded like a sword to cut away at the hopes, dreams, and hearts of people and beat them into submission to you imposing your own truths on them after they are cut away, but it can also be wielded by ourselves and those we trust to have the expertise to wield it like a scalpel to cut out the cancers of our morals and psyche and the tumors growing in our lives.
I say we should learn to wield our blades like scalpels instead of just taking paths of passivity leading to our hearts, minds and souls dying to the cancers growing in us that we are too scared to see out of fear of the pain it takes to remove them and the fear of losing too much of who we are.
Almost the fear of a spiritual death to the truth.
I would say my experience is even if the truth kills everything you currently are you can still rise again like Jesus Christ from the cross or a phoenix from the ashes (depending or which metaphor you prefer).
You all are more than your actions, more than the current moment, and more than your fears.
Don't let the lies keep you from experiencing those parts of the human spirit.
It takes faith in the truth to traverse paths like the ones the truth puts you one but they are the paths I have seen to be the ones people find the most meaning in.
Just my two cents that could be totally wrong because I am a foolish human like anyone else but I wanted to put it out there to be considered and judged according to what truth the rest of you can see.)
I am a 1, strong wing 2. You nailed both of those numbers perfectly!!
High praise from a 1!!
@@AbbeyHowe My husband is a 5, and you nailed one, too! Actually you did great with each number! I so appreciate learning about each type through your videos.
I appreciate you doing this video. Because we can hurt each other easily without knowing. We say words but it will be misunderstanding how so. Thank you!
As a 9, your comment about being a referee horrified me to my core. HARD PASS. Also my best friend is a 1 and the exact scenario you described happened to her at work, resulting in a full panic attack with her crying in a closet, so I can confirm that is very accurate.
As a 5, when someone says "You're so quiet", I swear if I had a flamethrower I'd turn it on them. Full blast.
Thanks you so much for this. As an 8 I hate advice so much and it just made me more intense in arguments. This video helped me and my family to see that unless I’m willing to hear advice then they shouldn’t give it to me.
Yep, you hit the nail on the head for 9s. Here's basically what went through my head lol:
_"You're annoying me. Go away."_ Oof, that one hurt. I mean, my self esteem issues were already telling me that I probably was anyway, but you didn't have to say it.
_"You're so chill, nothing phases you."_ Hahahahaha... Yeah, sure... Haha...
_"Come on, lazybones! Get up! Get to work!"_ I'll do it when I do it! Chill out!
_"You can break the tie for us! Italian or Mexican food?"_ AAAAAHHHH!!!
I think what I hate being told the most boils down to something along the lines of, "Actually, let's do this instead." If you ask for my opinion or preference, please, for the love of God, don't minimize my response. It takes a lot for me to express my preferences and desires because I first have to overcome the fear of being talked over or ignored or invalidated or vetoed, because that's just what I'm so accustomed to. So if I actually do open up and make a decision for once in my life, don't change the decision because it's not _your_ preference and you know I won't mind. I probably wouldn't mind under normal circumstances, but when you're giving me the ability to choose and then take it away once I choose, it really gets under my skin and makes me less inclined to express my opinion on similar matters in the future.
As a bit of representative example that's stuck around in my memory despite being a really minor instance, I was in the frozen section of the grocery store with my mom one time, and she said, "Pick whatever pizza you want for dinner tonight." Barbecue chicken pizza sounded really good at the time, so I picked out the barbecue chicken pizza. My choice was met with, "That's not even pizza, pick a different one." I immediately deflated and defaulted to our usual selection, supreme, because I knew that's what she would have picked in the first place if she hadn't given me the choice. Now, don't get me wrong, I love supreme pizza. It's one of my favorites. But for my own preference to make a rare guest appearance only to be invalidated, that's what bothered me.
Thank you for sharing this story, it really helps to understand 🧡and I'm so sad you had that experience, I hope you did get to enjoy on another occasion your BBQ chicken pizza 🍕 😊
As a 5, I'm almost offended how accurate this is (at least for me)
i’m a 4 with a strong 5 wing and that was so so so accurate!!
Glad it resonated!!
I have a tendency to get heavily invested in the things I like and can go on talking about them for hours on end, often very passionately. And people who don't know me tell me that I'm too intense about "inconsequential" matters and that I should "calm down". I can't begin to tell you how that annoys me. These things are important to me and I will not calm down, dammit! 😅
(type 4)
Right? Just let us feel the feels! Lol (469 Tritype here)
2:50 My god the 2… my dnd character is a 8w7 Barbarian who’s boyfriend is literally her sidekick. I suspect he’s in the 1-2-3 range, probably a 2…they got in an argument over a mistake/miscommunication he made. She berated him a bit in attempt to be straight forward and get the details but eventually when it went no where, she told him she needed some time to think to herself and would return to him in an hour…and he took it as great as you’d expect… “you’re useless and I don’t want you here” is what he heard.
That bit about mirroring 4's and being vulnerable in kind is so right on!
as a 6 whenever ppl say 'take your time' it just stresses me out more like whens the last time someone said that and meant 'omg hurry up and get ur shit together'
Notenoughness is always the “3s” heart pain…for sure…but these days, it is more of a gift when critiquing words come around, because they aren’t true and the illusion of them being true, fade with each interaction (maybe 🙃).
9-being called Lazy!! Yes!!! Makes me so mad 😡
Type 9-1 Here!
I Hate so much when my husband says. Time to get up in the morning lol like literally I'll probably be upset for the next 3 hours of u tell me that lol, if he woke me up like, hey babe.. I made u some coffee. I'd be ecstatic and also so very thankful lol.
My husband being a Type 5-4
He feels like in most of abbys video he's portrayed as robotic. But with that 4 wing he's honestly very passionate and caring too. Oh yeah and if ur with a 5 never spring on a random activity or hey were going to your parents tomorrow I always have to give minimum a weeks notice lol
I’m kind of glad that you took that for the 4 perspective and not us just sort of moping around. If anything my ‘differences’ are a source of shame, and so when I stay true to myself and then get shamed- it really does hurt. I’m still thinking about one particular moment a couple of weeks ago and it’s still so painful. Being ‘seen’ is everything
I’m a type 8 and this was spot on, especially the grizzly bear part. 🐻
What I hate hearing as a Six is, "You're overreacting" to something I'm worried about. Or that my tendency to worry about things is a burden, "too much" for the other person. My E5 son is always telling me, "Mom, it's about PROBABILITIES, not POSSIBILITIES" -- baloney! If it's possible, I'm going to worry about it. What I need, like you said, is reassurance that the other people in my life will be there for me and not abandon me when things get hard.
I’m a 5 with a 6 sister. I like what your son is telling you.
@@maedchenausmars Ha ha, I can see why!
As a 7 I would say my core fear is being alone. I’m pretty up for anything, I just don’t want to do it alone 😂
I can't tell you about the others but the 4 was dead on. 10/10
Infj 6w5 SP here... on the topic of “we need to talk” vague expression of the need for a face to face convo 😳🤯😥
(I haven’t told this story online anywhere but it’s been wanting to jump out and now seems like the moment.)
My ENFP therapist and I had a three year therapy relationship, I was seeing her weekly. She terminated me 3-4 months ago because she emailed to ask for my husband to come to the first 10 mins of my session and when I asked why she gave the vaguest description ever. I FREAKED OUT (triggered massively) and cancelled the next two appointments, lost my mind for a month at least, gave her PLENTY of opportunity to know how distressed I was and respond to me asking what the face to face convo was going to be about... freaking out that she was going to set boundaries on me because I’d become attached to her. I tried to keep my mouth shut (messaging) but I lost it one day when she said “I told you what it’s about” (vague vague message from first incidence) and I said my friends were disappointed in how she’d handled things and I’d expected better from a therapist “who’s supposed to care about people”. All this was via text. Never a face to face. A few days later she emailed me and terminated. She wouldn’t do a last session. She wouldn’t do a last face to face chat outside of a session. She is my worship leader of my church and I am avoiding doing music because I’m so hurt 😭
Don’t tell a 6w5 you need to have an important conversation with them and not tell them what it’s about 😢
Also don’t dual relationship with a counsellor, it’s SO PAINFUL when it dies.
Your cardigan is SO CUTE!!! Where did you get it from??
TARGET!!!! Isn’t it amazing???
@@AbbeyHowe Thank you! It really is amazing! Great video as well.😄
Type 5. Omg I just cringed at the intro. You can NOT just drop in on me without plenty advance notice.
hahahaha
As a 4, one of the worst things to hear is “you’re too sensitive”. Incredibly invalidating :/
I'm a 4 too and that don't hurt me, because I think that being sensitive it's a blessing and a way to express myself and let other people express itself too. Being sensitive it's not a synonym of vulnerability, you can be really strong and also sensitive. Anyway, I understand your point.
Sorry if I do mistakes on my writing, I'm from Catalonia and I don't want to go to google translator now 😅