Yes, yes, yes Jay. It took my doctor to make me rest when I was ill. You are not allowed to take care of yourself in a narc family. Had to go No Contact to take care of myself.
There was such a lack of any bonage ,I had to build my own self esteem as a child only I experimented with drugs and alcohol but by 17 I didn't want a habit with my friends were using ,the Golden Child had to live up to her parents so they lived thru ,I did my own
Yep. No rest is an abusive tactic. When I finally got out of my mother's house I crashed & burned for 2 years, doing absolutely nothing except for going to work, bare minimum house stuff & sleeping. And it was absolutely needed for recovery. We need to learn rest.
Stella, gosh you don't know how reassuring your comment is..! As a younger adult, I feel embarrassed and ashamed when friends and acquaintances inquire about my hobbies, plans, activities, and I truly have nothing besides maintaining my bare needs and getting what scraps of understanding, solace, and distraction I can find online. I am in my early 30s, but years of living as a scapegoat in an abusive, narcissistic family depleted me socially and educationally, set my career back 10 years, and left me with soul weary exhaustion and chronic illness usually afflicting people many decades older. I am on the cusp of entering an industry dominated by ambitious and highly-educated folks, and I don't feel safe or comfortable admitting the above to almost anyone. Even my close friends sometime seem baffled and dismayed when I admit I don't have the wherewithal to engage in standard rituals of self betterment. I feel very uncomfortable admitting my stark truth, which is that planning and dreaming big, or even 'finding a hobby', feel like irrelevant, faraway luxuries when I have been in survival mode so much of my life. I had those things, once-hopes, dreams, hobbies, aspirations. An identity. And as you may well understand, I had to thoroughly abandon them to survive the onslaught from my narcissistic family, who blamed my attempt to individuate for their collective failures. Thank you for frankly sharing your own experience. I don't feel alone and defective anymore. Best of luck to us both in our healing, good stranger.
@@hc5313 Your own words and explanation of what you've been going through and still deal with has helped me see my own struggle and state so thank YOU for sharing and being so transparent as well!
@@hc5313 yes, many people who haven't experienced it don't understand, I had to surround myself only with people who did because the others were making it worse without understanding. Keep up the good work, rest, educate, get support/therapy it does get better xx
It was always about the grades, piano lessons, college degree, marrying a successful man, and especially how prestigious the jobs are. It never ends. But nothing is ever good enough!
I was never enough. I did all the chores in my home. I had 3 siblings who never lifted a finger, but my mom would belittle me for not washing all of the Ajax off of the counter. My mom has an atrium at her home and I fixed the drain and built a beautiful oriental garden for her. My narc sister asked me, did I pay for for everything i put in the garden or did mom? I did pay for everything, but what if I didn’t? It was still an asset to my mom’s property. I did all of the labor, hauling in plants, rocks, building a small patio, etc. I finally came out of the fog at 58. I don’t do shit for my mom or family anymore!
Fortunately, my alcoholic, narcissist/borderline super accomplished and Superior Dad died when I was 11. Unfortunately two narcissists and one borderline siblings carried on the torch. When I first lived away from my mother's house I remember having a lot of time alone because my then-boyfriend was on the road a lot. And I slept for several months only getting up to go to work. It was the first time in my life when I really felt the Peace of not having to deal with living with a bunch of people. I didn't have to deal with the abusive siblings anymore and I could just regroup. It was the first restful time that I had ever had in my life.
You are targeting things abt maternal narcissism that no one else on here has spoken about!! Wow! Most of your videos have been the silent things I couldnt explain but knew I felt. Thank you so much for being able to relate to these silent and malignant issues!!
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 Um, no. Children are not women's penises. Those who identify as women (both those assigned female as birth and trans women) do not want to have penises any more than they want to have tails or fins.
Yeah... God forbid we ever stop. I swear I get like 2 hours of sleep sometimes because im up until 4am still cleaning and building trampolines for other people via my moms expectations.. And never have a moment of my own time.. And yet she thinks I still sleep too much. How am I sleeping when I have like a hundred jobs plus my own... And it gets very spiteful when I'm not showing face n jumping by through hoops 247. She's had me arrested several tines because 3 or more people is all you need to make a story true to cops. I swear someone could pay 3 people or 2 people to lie about a stranger n everyone get that person committed or arrested without any wrong doing or knowledge as to why of the victim prisoner. .. ( my life)
I got burnt out twice as well..and I have a micro manager boss..after months of abuse, I realise I am falling into my childhood pattern & I should look for other jobs instead.
Me too... I'm 58 years old and psychologically I'm just wearing out now... Hopefully seeing his videos will help. I think it will. What we have to remember is we can let go of that pressure because it's not real it's not for a good reason. We can just have personal standards that let us be responsible to our friends and our job responsibilities and such, as he was saying...
This is true. Just sitting and reading a book was unacceptable. I had to "make myself useful" Was such a shock when I was at a friend's house and looking through their books and her father came in and, instead of telling me to get up and DO something, he sat down near me and we talked about what books we liked to read. I was so overcome by joy I almost gasped for breath.
I was absolutely NOT ALLOWED to feel relaxed and content. Story time- One night my cranky, miserable narc father was making dinner and it was my job to set the table. I was always an "efficient" kid. I HAD to be. I did things as fast as possible because the dad had zero patience. Anyway, we were having spaghetti and I set the table with glasses of water, plates, bread basket, salad dressing, parm cheese etc. I was able to do this with time to spare before dinner was ready. So, I sat back in front of the TV to watch (probably threes company or something??) He got so mad!!! He told me to keep setting the table!! I was like,.... ok??? I just started getting extra condiments out of the refrigerator to put on the table because didn't know what else to do. My bratty GC brother came in and asked wtf I'm putting ketchup and mustard out when we are having spaghetti?? I said, "Dad just told me to keep setting the table" God, that man was sooooooo miserable!!! He could NOT STAND to see me or anyone else enjoying ANYTHING or being content and peaceful. I'm so glad I never have to see his miserable face again. Oh and he was the NICE ONE!! My narc mother is ten times worse. Edit: my heart goes out to everyone that has had the misfortune of having a narc in their life 💕💕💕💕💕
I was stuck with both parents being this way too. It took me almost until adulthood to finally realize that no matter how perfect I did everything (to avoid punishment), there was just no satisfying these bastards, and that I could never earn their love. They hated my very existence even though they consciously brought me into the world. I can’t tell you how heartbreaking that was.
Thank you. You bet I’ve been no contact for as long as possible. The father is dead, but the mother is still out there, maybe with a new target because I’m not there for her to try to push around.
Of all the different experts I’ve seen doing videos on narcissism abuse, Jay Reid has taken it many steps further and really delved deeper into the root of the problem and more specific recovery methods. I feel like our comments here are like an online support group.
You have a clear and deep grasp of the psychological underpinnings of the scapegoated child. Its an earnest and thorough knowledge that you have, which is gained via true compassion. Idk who you are...but you are important to the furtherance of good human evolution. Thank you.
These parents steal their childs' life and feed off of killing their self esteem, identity, and get their joy with manipulation. This is completly disgusting. My parents were wealthy and only helped my sister. I am 30 now they consider me worthless And I am forced to live with them. My mother even says to every person she meets that I am a defect, a problem, a anomaly, overall a bad being. It is so painful. I tried to run from this fact to exist so I wont hate them, i refused hate, and even tried to love them as so i could give tham the support they needed to help them heal their underlying problems that inversed the role for a little while emotionally, but it all bevome even worse because now they used all that to turn it again againts me, and even now I am forced to continue this abuse cause I dont have anywhere to go. All that I do is bad for them.
My parents were middle class, but I never felt forced to live with them in adulthood. I was homeless for a bit, but at least I was free to just be myself. I had no place to sleep, no belongings and not sure where my next meal would come from, but I still felt safer exchanging poverty for my freedom and my safety and sanity.
This. Get out. I know it seems impossible but even a SHELTER is better than this. You're not defective--you're WOUNDED from THEM wounding you! I really hope you're better now, I know this is two years old--but here's a hug from an Internet stranger if you want one that BELIEVES you can escape and YOU DESERVE TO ESCAPE!
I commando crawled out of my home at age 16, lived on the streets, finally managed to get an AA degree, etc etc,,, get off drugs/alcohol/cigarettes and although lonely, I am independent. I can tell you from experience, the "universe" or whatever works for you will help. It was magical that I was able to survive without anyone's help
Damn, this is exactly what I've been going through for my whole life. I collapsed under the pressure in my early 20s and buried myself in video games until I was finally able to leave home after graduating college. But even now in my late 20s I'm still constantly beating myself up with the same narrative - I'm lazy, unmotivated, stupid, ungrateful, and just not working hard enough. Been practicing mindfulness and attending therapy this past year, and though subtle, I am starting to see a change for the better. Still sucks to have lost some of the best years of my life battling depression, but it can only get better from here!
@Nathan Ziegler I urge you to keep growing. Don’t give up. You are young and there is so much life ahead. You may not see it now but you will. You need you and the world desperately needs young people like you. Now that you are aware of the negative self talk try stopping as soon as you realize it. Apologize to yourself and move on to a positive word about yourself or anything in your current vision. 🎄✨🌲⭐️
I feel your pain! 😢 What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Also ECHOIST A great website is parenting.exposed I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense. It was NEVER me...It was my "parents" Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
Yes, everyone says don't look back, for some of us, that's impossible. Move on, try to become better, but those memories never leave, at least not for me. I escaped, 10 yrs no contact now, it's constant work and yes I'm guilty of feeling the need to be productive.
My mom criticized my deep cleaning of the house growing up even though my cleaning skills were so much better than hers. Still are. I was basically cinderella and realized it when she had narcissistic rage when I mentioned how much I cleaned back in the day to my brothers gf at the time. My mom made it seem as though I was lying. It was so odd and uncomfortable. Later she admitted, I made her look lazy as though she didn't do anything, so I didn't need to tell his gf how I cleaned back then??? Wow. Ok... I have helped her with her parents, my grandparents, growing up, above any grandkid in the family, that also got twisted. I never received any appreciation. Others noticed how much I always did for my family which made me essentially really open my eyes..eventually. She has mocked me when she was driving claiming to be lost expecting me to keep repeating directions to places she knew and she grew up in the bay area her whole life. It was a power trip. She has never wanted me to get help from my brother. I had to hear how he helped me move (15 yrs ago) for far too many years? I have babysat his daughter about 3 or 4 days a week for full days til night for MANY years when she was little but that didn't seem to count for zilch. It is truly disgusting what these narcissistic families do. I was abused physically by my dad growing up and in my adult life, I have asked how she felt then. She didn't care or think about it. This was her honest answer. I appreciate her honesty which made me let go and realize both parents are sick and my brother will always be the Golden Child. He can have them. She has also said, "well, your dad didn't hit you everyday!" To downplay it. Sickening. I am glad I am compassionate, loving, loyal, protective and an empath and nothing like my toxic family. I had normalcy at my grandparents home and God. I have distanced myself from my family which was the best decision ever a few yrs ago. Great video!! Thank you!
I’m 46yo and I am exhausted from everything that I do. I cannot sit because I don’t deserve to sit. I’m always doing something. That’s what my mum had taught me.
Self-sabotaging my own goals by starting a project and not finishing it in order to support that worthlessness has been something I've recently recognized. I'm choosing to work on that, really, just to know what it feels like to live for the sake of my self.
I asked my Mom why my brother and my sister were her favourites. She said because your brother is my only boy and your sister is the youngest. And she added that she is entitled to have favourites and feel like that. A moment of honesty in my world of being gaslightled. Needless to say I've battled major health issues my whole life.
" You're pretty because of your father and Me. You had nothing to do with it" ; "You're lazy just like your father" "So what are your plans for today"? "If I didn't have you...." " I hate you ..." No wonder that as I was handed my diploma from Columbia University I felt worthless, embarrassed, , ashamed and fraudulent" You are on point and empowering. Thank you!
Dr. Reid, I thought I'd found all the best channels on narcissism, but then I came across yours this week thanks to UA-cam recommending you. Your content on scapegoating is some of the most extensive I've seen. Many specialists do a good job of describing what this looks and feels like, but when you describe it, it feels like you actually KNOW what it feels like and that makes me feel comforted. I am an only child (scapegoat) of a narcissistic father; mother died years ago. It took me 41 years and watching my dad's response to my mother's death, and to me after she passed, that brought it all to light. I wondered for so long why life was so hard, why I felt so alone/misunderstood/worthless, and no matter how successful I was or how hard I tried, it was never good enough. I've sometimes felt like my job in this life is to take up as little space as possible and never want for a thing, and it's still "too much." I waved away so many people over the years who thought I was hard on myself, I was "too sensitive," etc. Now I know the truth, and even if it hurts, it feels a little better to know I didn't do anything to deserve it and it wasn't just my imagination or lack of resilience. People have little idea just how STRONG scapegoats are because we have to be.
I wish I could afford your classes because if you are giving away this level of knowledge and self healing I can only imagine how deep you go in the paid program.
I was a straight A student but that was very unsettling for them. They always made excuses such as " the school standard is low , the teachers are giving me marks i dont deserve etc. ". It was so clear i was taken to school for them to have something to use to defend themselves when a relative etc pointed out the abuse against me. I was not taken to school to pass and do well. They sabotaged my entire education while paying fees on the other hand. Very confusing . They succeeded in reducing me to a C average student. Then of course blamed me for it.
i am 60 years old and these issues have utterly undermined and destroyed my chance of a good life. i have truly struggled to comprehend the effects by '1st principles' including professional 'help', none of which correctly identified and provided appropriate treatment. it is with profound thanks that these issues are finally being correctly identified and made public. the affects have been a nightmare to live with - like a puppy tied in a sack and put on a lake to watch it slowly drown. 🙏
coming from someone who grew up in thia environment with a narcissist parent one important thing to add is that these parents often dismiss or invalid any disorders or mental issues a child may have that can make it hard for them to perform well in school or meet the standard for productivity! this is a recipe for self hatred if the child doesnt separated their self image from that of their parents!
The public schools are designed for average IQs,kids who are either above average or below average don't tend to do very well in this system, I think most parents know this but don't care.
Yes! In retrospect I've recently suspected that my fathers criticism of the mental health field was a (subconscious?) preemptive strike against anyone finding out that he, as a narcissist, was the one with the disorder.
So true!...at the same time I'm self sabotaging, living in a state of survival panic, so I'm really bad with finances and making something for myself...it sucks.
Same here. It's really sad. Wanna know why I never bought a house? I knew that if I did my narc mother would come to live with me. I couldn't have imagined simply telling her no. Absolute self sabotage.
I threw all my money at my family for decades, they left me homeless during my divorce but I funded then when I got any money at all. then they did the same during covid. I cut contact when my dad died.
Soooo very true -- my family "worth" was based on what I DID. My worth did not depend on the fact that I was "special", "a loved child", "her daughter" being/existence/personhood as her daughter (and my 8 siblings' sister). Because it never changed, over time, I decided to go No Contact at 60 years of age. The toxic treatment and crossed boundaries were condoned by everyone in my birth family. I wasn't allowed to "REST" or take a nap, even if really sleepy. All others were allowed to do so. To this day, I cannot RELAX without feeling I need to DO something, and cannot take naps (even when sleep-deprived). I can also relate to the matter of being extremely critical about my physical body, no matter how often others' would tell me how they viewed my outward appearance (as "beautiful", envious of my shape, etc.). I attribute this to the negative damage done from the toxic shaming, ridicule, and criticisms in childhood and young adulthood from my abusing, narcissistic mother.. Like you said. I wasn't allowed to have or form my own unique identity, or show negative (sadness/anger) feelings. Even my opinions and thoughts were ignored or shut down/dismissed as inconsequential. When I DID excel in something, it was rarely given notice or praise. I ended up very damaged (psychologically) to where I attempted suicide several times. God wasn't through with me, yet (my "mission" in life). Healing the woundedness, for me, has come mainly through my faith-based trust in the One and ONLY perfect and faithful person who has walked upon the earth.....God in the flesh (Jesus Christ, Savior and LIFE-giver). The Holy Spirit, which comes to take up residence within all who Believe on Him, takes our "dead" (in Adam) human spirit and renews it (making it "alive" in-Christ - I Corinthians 15:22). I never could just WILL my way into a positive mindset, or "right" thinking about myself and my worth. The Gospel of Grace is free to all who Believe and Receive (I Corinthians 15:1-4). dailyverses.net/salvation Beyond the spiritual component, I find taking walks in nature has been helpful throughout my life. I'm considered a Highly Sensitive Person ("HSP"); part of 10-20% of the population who have this designation (discovered by Dr. Elain Aron). You can find out more about this and your empathetic traits online. The need to consider whether certain environments and activities are helping or hurting my well-being or anxiety level (based on those HSP traits) has been key to aiding in the process of regaining strength of mind, body, and spirit. I respect others' personal stories (testimonies), and am hopeful others will do the same for me. For decades, I read multiple self-help books, was in out-patient counseling/therapy (wrongly dx), and was given anti-depressants and sleep medication (all to NO avail and went cold turkey off them 20 years ago, with my husband's support. I wish you all the best on your individual journeys to wholeness; may you find what you each need and seek.
@@43cassy Wow....3 years later (still low-to-No Contact with birth fam) and low contact with husband (also a narcissist who betrayed me over the past 2 years, esp., thru multiple affairs online, porn, adultery -- for which this "Christian" man has no remorse or Godly sorrow). Come, Lord Jesus! Hugs, sister! See you in our Glorified and Perfected state :) That is my Blessed Hope...His Promises are True & Amen!! 💙
Yep!! My mother hated me and my brother for being alive. When I was 18 my mother finally told me she wished she had succeeded at aborting me because I ruined her entire life and basically it was my fault for just being alive. She said it so honestly and so harshly. It’s haunting and telling of why she treated me and my brother the way she did. She committed suicide last year. She blamed me for that ending too. She told others I am evil. All because I refused to take care of her in her insane existence and look after myself.
I’m nearly 70, with an ACE score of 6, and CPTSD. Jay has described my experience in such a visceral way, with such compassion, that it has helped me to finally understand the story of my life, and begin to accept it.
When my mom died I had to grieve the hope I held that someday we could have a loving relationship. That realization that all of my held hopes failed and it was very very sad. At first I felt I was the pinnacle of failure but luckily I proved that wrong. I am good enough and I am actually pretty awesome and it’s okay to believe that. It’s okay to have love for myself. I’m not selfish to believe this despite her telling me so my whole life. Still It’s not easy to maintain good feelings for myself. At least I know it’s normal for someone like me and my brother. My poor brother was not as lucky as me. I think I need to find a counselor like you Sr. I’m 54 this year and I’m only beginning to find solace.
I moved away the first chance I felt strong enough. I’m from New Orleans and moved to Rhode Island. Everything was ok till it wasn’t and couldn’t continue going to school or work. I didn’t leave my bed for months and I didn’t know why that happened. I read books from the moment I woke till it was time for me to sleep. I was really out of it most days so I mentally checked out. I was missing all my therapy sessions and everything. Bills were not being paid, but I would somehow manage to pay them once I was worried about all the late fees and stuff. This has really consumed most of my life and I can only hope and pray that my efforts to heal will soon come.
This really hit home for me! It really helped me understand the thoughts I had as a child better. I grew up believing I was just inferior and broken, so it was easier to just accept it my defect and not try.
Yes, that was my experience, I just had to accept I was not good enough etc etc And, (as he describes), that becomes a survival habit and we carry on believing it into adulthood. 🙁😥
Wow! I totally have been living this. I tried hard not to pass this along to my own child, but I think I still did to a certain extent. I'll have her watch these. I still feel deep down that I have to achieve or produce in order to justify my existence.
I was a scapegoat. My narcissistic mother hated me because I wasn’t good enough for her to brag about to her friends. She hated me because I reminded her of my beloved Father. She was jealous of me. That’s how f up she was My narcissistic personality disordered mother made me clean homes at the age of 11 every week until I was 18. She called me house frau in German I was treated like I was only good as a housekeeper. I always felt useless as a daughter The best day of my life was to go no contact with this horrible mother Otherwise I will kill myself
As another worthless scapegoat that was a rape baby that looked & acted like my father, I can tell you that it was never about anything you did but about a parent conveniently dumping all their hatred onto one child. So if you work to death, seek perfection, achieve gold medals or become the President, you will always be hated. And if you rebel & give up seeking extreme goals, then you prove everyone in the family they are right. So dont chose sides, walk the middle path, let go of hateful thoughts & work on self-compassion & self-care. I went from eating disorders to running miles to A+ to 70 hr work weeks to collapse & severe social anxiety, insomnia & horrid crippling pain. The real problem with being the emotional punching bag for the whole family is that the whole family eventually hates you because they are UNKNOWINGLY GROOMED TO DO SO. So after your parents die, be prepared for sibling group attacks. The whole family expects you to fail & crawl off into the corner & die to justify their internal family beliefs. SO DONT! Please set up a social support group & counselling for outside support! Everyone thinks they can just walk away & do it alone. But we cant. We need others to help us break free from the toxic self-hating self sabotaging self-destruction ( especially when life gets hard). Everyone fails at some point, everyone gets heart-broken, everyone makes mistakes, everyone hurts others. We need to learn that we are just human & can survive it! And we can survive, but only with our own tribe & village. RUN but find others!
I was the family slave being overworked in the house from a very early age but i was still never good enough, never productive enough. I would still be beaten for not " helping in the house ". I used to overr give financially whenever funds were being raised eg when someone has died or one of the toxic siblings asks for help trying to make them see that i am also " productive " when i have money but no , was never good enough. Waking up now. Thanks Jeid
Well, I ended up being known for my work ethic... but now I am no longer the family ATM/bill payer. It's amazing how much money I have when I don't have leeches. I work from home now and they all have NO clue what I do or how much money I have :)
When I, as a kid , came to believe that what should be the safest place in the world (home) , was actually a very unsafe place, I was either forced to stay in my room or I chose to stay in my room. Isolation was the only option for security. I tell people that I was raised by jackals. That they shouldn't try to screw with me because I learned from the worst people, how to be a jackal.
I, like you, loved being isolated from family. Safest place was to be out of sight. I'd disappear for HOURS in my room, away from EVERYONE. I even have a profession where I work nights and have the option to work alone. Don't get me wrong-- I'm an empath and love people, but honestly, working ALONE at night is such a blessing. Coworkers can be so draining, and I have no time for drama.
That is what my coworker called the other coworkers in our office one day, he said they are jackals be careful, this was right after I started and I still don't know what, that word means but they all did bully, mob and harass me until I got sick and had to take off work.
totally, I have a big heart, but if you get in my way, God help you! I don't take ANY crap to the point of intolerance. Finally letting go in my older years
Me too. I tried running away to other family's home but they thought my parents were great people then took me back, things got 10x worse. In 6th grade I told people I didn't have a family.
(8:55) I'm really going to need the trick on how to "recover one's own goal for oneself and how one wants to be" because you said it: "it's easy to say and harder to actuate in the recovery process". That is what I've tried so hard for so many years. I'll give you a call soon.
As a child, I had to stay up until 3 and 4 am cutting and pinning patterns for sewing contracts my mother always did at the 'last minute.' Of course, when things went wrong, her rage would shoot across the room and I usually had to duck the flying objects while I tried desperately to concentrate on the task she had assigned me. If I messed up there would be very serious consequences. I was terrified of her. She'd then send me to school and have me up at 7am. I used to be so tired at school but I dared not complain. I hated being a child. I hated that home. I hated being useful. I learned how to figure out so many things as a child. It was a militant and exacting existence. Fun wasn't part of my vocabulary. I still struggle with 'playing.' I feel horrible shame or guilt if I'm not productive at all times.
That explains why I washed my families clothing by hand for a year in addition to making all meals from scratch and my own clothes by hand . I wish I could take my family to court to be compensated for all the extra work I did
This episode got me thinking about my survival/recovery from a narcissistic mother. She required compliance with her version of reality and any deviation from her reality was quickly met with an escalation of manipulation and threats to regain my compliance. Now as a 40 year old, I still have a really hard time accepting someone else manipulating facts for their gain. Such as my boss requiring me to verbally say I did/did not do X but the opposite is true. Or he said something that he later denies and I’m met with punishments for not altering reality to allow him to erase his previous comments. This is quite problematic for me because I can’t let my survival technique of not altering reality go…not even sure I should. Ultimately I quit talking with my mother 10 years ago and I stand by my decision. So I still don’t know how to handle someone that Alters reality and quitting my job is not an option.
yes, when I was trying to piece myself back together after escaping an abusive relationship, I was on benefits, I had two toddlers, I had low earning potential, I couldn't be in two places at once, childcare costs are high, and YET AND YET I was relentless asked ''when are you getting back to work?''. It was horrible. I as just trying to stay safe and get to the point where my kids were old enough to start school!
My sin to my mother was that I existed. It felt like she regarded me as breathing the oxygen that was reserved for her. 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that I must make my life meaningful objectively in order for my suffering not to be a total waste. I love and identify with the plight of many animals, so I made animal rights my life's goal. It did and still does provide a sense of purpose and values at my core. I'm learning to love and value myself. At first, I didn't know how I really felt until I asked the little girl inside of me how she felt. Her answers broke my heart. Through extending compassion to her, I am more able to love and value myself. The consequences of being scapegoated by a malignant narcissist are staggering. I'm so grateful for Jay to put out these life saving insight and hope for the victims.
I wasted so much time working. Working to fix myself to get the acceptance and love from my family when I FINALLY come to realize that first of all that I'm not broken and in need of fixing as I have inherent worth as a human being, number 2 that no matter what I do things will not change with them because they have not and do not see me for who I am because they need me to live inside of the role they have constructed for me despite the reality of who I really am they will ignore the things I do that don't fit their construct and magnify anything that does. I am so incredibly thankful to be off that hamster wheel and to have turned away from the brick wall to follow my own path with confidence because it is the path that honors the reality of who and what I am and the contrast between the trap of that old way of being and this new found contentedness is the the dark with the light, the trapped with the free, the insecure with the secure.
Man it's so hard for me to hear this.. It brings up so much pain. I feel so angry that I was treated with so much meanness and criticism as just an innocent child. And I'm so angry about how much trouble it has caused me in my life. I wish I had a parent who showed me love and kindness and cared about my feelings and wanted me to be happy. Thank you for making these videos. It's really hard to hear but it's also profoundly relieving to hear the truth that was gaslit out of my mind over the years. Like being told by my whole family it was all in my head. But I knew deep down it wasn't right. Thank you
They turn your kids against you too. Never go back. I saw a swarm of these narcissist relatives four years ago and they were vicious to me. They scapegoat each other now as well as the child if mine that they turned against me 18 years ago. From now on, any cards from them will be thrown in n the trash. I kept taking them back and forgiving others like them and they kept turned ng on me. Yes, I was in the act of doing and own about 800 self- help books. I can never recover that I have lost the love of my 32 year old child. It is a loss to lose the love and know that she is a narcissist like them. It is hard to live at 58 with all this. To finally understand why I had the anorexia and breakdowns when I was young is comforting though. Thank you for your work.
You explained exactly how I've been living! For the last 40 years... I knew that it wasn't good to be procrastinating about everything and non-productive, but I kept doing it. And then just like you said I'm coming to the conclusion that now also that for my own reasons I want to have certain standards of productivity and responsibility to others, apart from opposing the narcissistic pressure. Of course I haven't lived at home for 35 years but yet still feel that pressure inside... You have a good insight on these things... I'm always feeling pressure inside that I'm worthless if I'm not accomplishing something. So I'm getting an inkling just from listening to this video that this is driven by the narcissistic abuse and I can throw it away. I guess you did say that, to adopt our own standards...
I self sabotaged my senior HS year because I didn't really believe I was worthy of that college education......I pulled it together enough to "walk" in graduation but was a few credits shy of my actual diploma, which I would make up later. My father refused to come to graduation because I was receiving an empty envelope.
I never went to college because I'd been convinced that I was not smart enough. I have an IQ of 140 (not that that matters). MY narc parents made pretty damn sure that I nor my sibs would do better than them. Disgusting.
It is so clear that Jay actually knows what it feels like to recover from this. I remember making a music video for someone (paid job), and I was already into healing, and I remember sitting there, internally switching from enjoying the work and between the perfectionistic must-do state. It was terrible.
Omg I finally understand why I struggle with taking a break. I hope you do a video(maybe you have already) about money and feeling like you are not worthy to buy yourself stuff. (Not elaborate stuff just basic stuff.)
After many years of strain i feel exhausted and still feel the need to "making something". No motivational talk is able to put me on the track. I feel shame that I am not stupid but not able to work for my own good , also years after being SGChild. Greetings for all of you who work on this.
Yep it’s like being a handmaid which most scapegoats are naturally (Doctor Ramani- Handmaid) . They tell you that if you have not done some duty well enough according to them then you are worthless. This is why I suffered so much exhaustion around them because if I am not cooking I am cleaning and if not doing that then it’s always something needed for me to do. When I left to live by myself the amount of freedom and healing I felt was beyond amazing. My soul felt free and no longer burdened.
This phenomenon is compounded if you're disabled as well as scapegoated. I have cerebral palsy, and I felt (and still do) like I needed to make up for it every single second of every day. I was the golden child for a while, but when I got suicidally depressed in college and flunked out twice, my successful sister took on that role. Now I'm in a limbo state.
Exactly! I was oldest child and The maid. I was never considered part of the clan. Mom never yelled at 3 other Children or barked orders Yelling. Never beat my siblings With belt or switch. I was also Echo. I had no voice. If I was Hungry or hurting I could not Tell my mom. I was there to meet her needs and my siblings Needs. I was invisible. Then I was so hungry and overworked as a 12 year old I would become angry I could not take it anymore. I learned To dismiss my feelings be A robot. Yes ma’am. This was Carried over into my adult Life marrying Alcoholics and Narcissistic people that were Selfish, cruel, self centered, Demeaning and never gave Me a dime. But I tried so hard To get their approval. I got a degree in health care which Is essentially the same. Perfect for co dependents Short staffing, no lunch breaks, Bully managers, employers, Co workers, physicians. The life saver is the patient That appreciates all that Is done for them.
Hate works for a descript of the narc parent as does the scapegoated child's yearning for approval. Actually any type of attention. Kissing up yields very few points being negative yields a few more you just end up kind of getting banished. Another case in point self-help books and here I am on your channel I can only speak for myself that's why all the i and me statements. I like the way the host always brings us back to the projection part by the narcissistic parent(s).
Phew! I just about worked myself to death until I was forced by self-imposed poor health to slow down. Then I felt I was completely unsuccessful and spiraled into depression! It’s taken a lot of therapy to see the horrible conditioning I’ve taken to my core. Will I ever rise above it? Who knows.
I've long referred my to type 1 diabetes as sort of 'my child'. It made me slow way down. It's as if my subconscious created the perfect disease that would FORCE me to take care of myself.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am almost in tears about how accurate this all is. I was not the crazy one how I made myself to believed growing up.
So glad to hear that sis! Not being able to work and being forced to rest right now has been tremendously difficult for me internally. It's forced me to come to grips with this reality. I've been absolutely exhausted and depleted the past several years desperately needing and wanting to rest from all my ambitious pursuits but not being able to because of the selfemposed pressure to keep up this image to the world of being hard working and strong. And also to avoid feeling like a worthless lazy bum like I used to feel in my younger adolescent years. Now I'm not even able to keep up this ideal image of myself even if I wanted to because of the burn out and exhaustion! I believe God is addressing this issue in my life so he can heal me which is why I am hedged in and can't work at the moment even though I want to but not so much for me but for others. I know I'm loved unconditionally by him but I don't believe that's true of many people in my life, including family. So the propped up image is not for him but for them. I don't want to be judged by them like I used to be but he's teaching me to let go of my need to control my own imagine and surrender it to him. Sorry for the long response but I just had to get that out!
@@zmcfadgen I feel your pain! 😢 What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) Also ECHOIST A great website is parenting.exposed I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense. It was NEVER me...It was my "parents" Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
I never knew that my life could be explained by someone else so clearly. I feel heard and understood by someone!😲 AMAZING ❤️ Thank you for your videos🙏
Jay, this video is healing to my soul and I'm putting it at the top of my "Protocol when stuck in freeze" tool kit list. Your work is so incredibly helpful and appreciated.
This explains a lot about drop outs and drop out / counter culture communities that I was in for years. They seem to react to " society" as though it were a narc parent.But disable themselves somehow also.
Yes. I used to set way too high of goals to disproven worthlessness. Then when I failed at the goals, not because I wasn’t capable but because I believed I would fail (like my mother said) it just proved her to be right. Sort of like when it got hard I got scared and gave up, rather than overcoming the challenge and accomplishing the goal. During those times of challenge I would reach out to my mother for support who, rather than telling me it’s ok you can to it (sort of thing) ie be encouraging, she shamed me and “encouraged” me to give up or conform to the belief that I couldn’t do it. 😢 So many failed dreams. Which looking back I know I could have accomplished if given the proper support, or taken more realistic steps toward that goal. The taking the leap, just gave my mother ammunition to attack me and make her right. And those “leaps” wouldn’t have been leaps if I would have been given the proper support which was available but intentionally withheld.
I have carried this role of scapegoat from my FOO to the school gates, to the workplace and in my extended family. I feel 'ok' in myself now until something in me triggers a scapegoat-er. With text book similarity, three times now, a covert scapegoating narcissist has set out to exclude me from a group. Each time, the woman has love bombed everybody else in the group while treating me like I am a ghost. That makes me wither and freeze and withdraw from the group because I seem to be unable to stay grounded in myself when somebody so covertly excludes me. I have scoured the internet for advice on this subject and I can't find anything useful to be honest. All the advice is to run for the hills but I keep having to take myself out of groups and losing everybody else as well in the process. I am very isolated now. Please can you do a video about this.
Hang in there Susan, you are different, lot of folks can't handle different, they may see you as more intelligent and feel threatened by that, and people can be very mean these days. Visit an old man here that has seen it too much. You can take charge by developing new interest and hobbies and learning to be happy within your own self. Stop by if you get time, might find something to enjoy, that's the hope.
OMG, I was always reading self help and psychology books from the since the age of about 14 trying to find out what was wrong with me 😢. I'm in my 50s now and just starting to truly understand what happened to me. It's so sad but it's better late than never. I have hope for the future now. Thank you Jay, I really appreciate your videos. ❤
Exactly what all are doing to me at work and at home in my dysfunctional family. I have never taken off work for any amount of time and have never been on a vacation in my life and am 58 years. old. Then my doctor took me off work due to severe health issues caused by workplace bullying, mobbing, harassment by jealous and envious coworkers who are trying to push me out, the management, HR, union, Walsh the Dept of Employment head, Governor Pritzker, Senator Durbin, Ethics Department all allowing it. I work at the State of IL IDES and have worked in Mt Vernon IL and most recently Effingham IL. They denied my worker's compensation claim and disability and I have appealed, have not been paid in four months, and they cut off my insurance due to not being able to pay my share of the premiums because I have no income coming in. I was having PTSD symptoms like others in other state agencies are also having, nightmares, migraines, heart issues, anxiety, sadness, fear, and panic if I had to talk to any of them or think of returning. My father has no concern or empathy whatsoever, he is unsympathetic to me only, he refuses to accept what has been going on and he also refuses to help me financially, and never has, so I don't even both asking, in fact, I can count on one hand and remember every gift I have ever received from him in my life. The whole family treats me this way, so I have no help at all, even while off. My doctor says I can return with accommodation if I am feeling better on 2/1/2023 and if things are changed, they understand what is going on and are educated. My father was acting like I am lazy tonight when I went to help him and refused to talk to me and said, "When are you going to get a job or go back to work?"" in a hateful tone, his face looks so rageful at times. He told us he got his nose broken when in the service as he had a smart mouth and a guy let him have it. He also hit me in the mouth one time as a teenager for not agreeing with him. All he cares about is ME making HIM look good and I would bet he is behind the issues at work too, he was telling me things to tell the other marine in our office when I started there and interfered with my jobs when I moved away one time too calling his friend who lived nearby where I was and having him check up on me constantly until I came back here. He acts like he owns me and like I am still ten years old. Not sure what to do to get him to leave me alone and butt out of my life and business!
This fits perfectly with my experience. I completely lost all ambition and motivation in school. Early in my childhood it became obvious that there was no such thing as winning or success for me the scapegoat of my NARCfather.
This is me. I’m stuck in this loop/condition of as long as if I can prove myself…I’ll go along and accept that I’m worthless for now. It’s worn me down it’s too much stress so I don’t do anything and I’m letting my life pass me by. Hijacked life! I’ve been working on daily meditation for a year now. It’s a deadly wound, and I’m desperately searching for healing by becoming mindful and accepting through loving kindness, compassion, joy and equilibrium. It’s my reorientation to living from the inside outward. Thank you for these videos ❤️
Thank you Jay. This did bring clarity about why I always feel anxious when I am not being “productive”. So strange to only become conscious of what really happened in my childhood at 58. It also brings clarity about why I have been reluctant to set my own goals recently. The anticipation of failure that we have absorbed. Jay, I really appreciate your dedication to bringing these insights out for our awareness and recovery. It is interesting how more and more layers to this are being revealed seems like daily now. Awareness is the first step toward recovery though. So heartfelt thank you!
Burnout is making me revisit this belief: "they won't kill you as long as you are useful / I thought, with the logic of the camps" (this is my own English translation of part of my poem "Baudelaire at the brothel", originally in Spanish). Thank you, Jay, for such deep insight, as always!
My mother used to tell me that I was an unexpected pregnancy and came too soon. Which was her very sly way of blaming me for the turbulence in the house and for her inability to care for me.
Your videos are very informative. I am mom in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t realize how bad it was until most of the damage was already done to my children. I have so many regrets for children and myself. I have 3 kids. Their dad scapegoated the middle child. Many times he was too hard on the oldest, my son, but he also put this son on a pedestal 😳. My youngest child is clearly daddy’s favorite, but the kids all dislike him. The youngest child, his Golden Child, is having a very difficult time with some mental health diagnoses. I have her in therapy and we are working on finding the right meds. I feel like she probably did have a genetic tendency towards anxiety and related disorders but I feel firmly that the family chaos she has lived with has pushed her over the edge into developing full blown DSM5 order(s) 😢. Anyway, I hope you make some videos on the damage this kind of family system does to the Golden Child and how they can recover.
avoid putting children on meds if at all possible. get her out of the situation and into a modern form of therapy and make sure her diet is as toxin/allergen/processed junk free as possible.
Procrastination is one of my biggest issues. I know i want and need to get this done but i become immobilized in I think fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of believing in myself.....at the 11th hour im scrambling to get it done and of course making mistakes because i am frantic to get it done. In essence im speaking to the failure in me. Validating to myself, you can never do anything right, you are a hot mess, you are worthless how can anyone love/like you! I always scream outloud. Why do i do this to myself?!!! You just explained it to me. I get it now! Thank you For F#$k sake, my mother is dead (thankfully) but unfortunately she lives on in my head!
My mom told me God is ashamed of me for wasting my life and talents. I’d she knew anything about me she would know that’s the opposite of reality. I told her I’m proud of who I am and the shame is hers
Thanks Jay! As with nearly all of your videos that I've watched so far, you nailed it it's a strange double bind when we're expected to do good enough to make them look good enough as their child, but not so much to outshine them. And, when we do well enough, they say it's because they encouraged or pushed us. Or, they tell us not to bother if we can't do something perfectly. Or, they say they support us, but secretly hope we fail so that they can save us . So many false beliefs I'm fighting against, but I like the idea of finding goals and ambition to work for, for ourselves, and finding our own ways of achieving them.
💙🦁🐺💓 you are not worthless, you are everything my babies. You are so valuable, and have so many beautiful qualities to offer and so much beauty that you share. If you make mistakes I will show you how to do better, not put you down. You are my flame geniuses. You are intelligent, you are resilient, you are divine, and you are God sent my cubs. You are so much more, than who belittles you. And if you make a mistake, that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you seasoned with wisdom. Mistakes are where changes come from. Don't listen to those negative thoughts in your heads. People who quit on themselves, feel like they are worthless. And no one has told them to believe different. I believe in you, even when it feels hard to receive. You will get better over time. Without your mistakes, you are only complacent. These are your cheat codes to success. You are worthy of love, care, and support. You don't know all you are capable of, until you have a few hiccups. And I Iove you even more for being brave enough for getting back up, and trying again. I see that sexy ass tenacity and determination. Keep that shit up, chip away at the challenges.
so good and helping thank you!! Looking forward for every video now, as I was the scapegoat these are really helping for the healing/understanding-process!!
Yes, yes, yes Jay. It took my doctor to make me rest when I was ill. You are not allowed to take care of yourself in a narc family. Had to go No Contact to take care of myself.
There was such a lack of any bonage ,I had to build my own self esteem as a child only I experimented with drugs and alcohol but by 17 I didn't want a habit with my friends were using ,the Golden Child had to live up to her parents so they lived thru ,I did my own
Yep. No rest is an abusive tactic.
When I finally got out of my mother's house I crashed & burned for 2 years, doing absolutely nothing except for going to work, bare minimum house stuff & sleeping. And it was absolutely needed for recovery. We need to learn rest.
Stella, gosh you don't know how reassuring your comment is..!
As a younger adult, I feel embarrassed and ashamed when friends and acquaintances inquire about my hobbies, plans, activities, and I truly have nothing besides maintaining my bare needs and getting what scraps of understanding, solace, and distraction I can find online.
I am in my early 30s, but years of living as a scapegoat in an abusive, narcissistic family depleted me socially and educationally, set my career back 10 years, and left me with soul weary exhaustion and chronic illness usually afflicting people many decades older.
I am on the cusp of entering an industry dominated by ambitious and highly-educated folks, and I don't feel safe or comfortable admitting the above to almost anyone. Even my close friends sometime seem baffled and dismayed when I admit I don't have the wherewithal to engage in standard rituals of self betterment.
I feel very uncomfortable admitting my stark truth, which is that planning and dreaming big, or even 'finding a hobby', feel like irrelevant, faraway luxuries when I have been in survival mode so much of my life.
I had those things, once-hopes, dreams, hobbies, aspirations. An identity. And as you may well understand, I had to thoroughly abandon them to survive the onslaught from my narcissistic family, who blamed my attempt to individuate for their collective failures.
Thank you for frankly sharing your own experience. I don't feel alone and defective anymore. Best of luck to us both in our healing, good stranger.
@@hc5313 Your own words and explanation of what you've been going through and still deal with has helped me see my own struggle and state so thank YOU for sharing and being so transparent as well!
@@hc5313 yes, many people who haven't experienced it don't understand, I had to surround myself only with people who did because the others were making it worse without understanding. Keep up the good work, rest, educate, get support/therapy it does get better xx
Your words made me cry 😢 The truth to this is spot on
Spot on Jay!!
It was always about the grades, piano lessons, college degree, marrying a successful man, and especially how prestigious the jobs are. It never ends. But nothing is ever good enough!
I was a plus A student and was never enough. It was so tiring until I gave up .
I was never enough. I did all the chores in my home. I had 3 siblings who never lifted a finger, but my mom would belittle me for not washing all of the Ajax off of the counter. My mom has an atrium at her home and I fixed the drain and built a beautiful oriental garden for her. My narc sister asked me, did I pay for for everything i put in the garden or did mom? I did pay for everything, but what if I didn’t? It was still an asset to my mom’s property. I did all of the labor, hauling in plants, rocks, building a small patio, etc. I finally came out of the fog at 58. I don’t do shit for my mom or family anymore!
Fortunately, my alcoholic, narcissist/borderline super accomplished and Superior Dad died when I was 11. Unfortunately two narcissists and one borderline siblings carried on the torch. When I first lived away from my mother's house I remember having a lot of time alone because my then-boyfriend was on the road a lot. And I slept for several months only getting up to go to work. It was the first time in my life when I really felt the Peace of not having to deal with living with a bunch of people. I didn't have to deal with the abusive siblings anymore and I could just regroup. It was the first restful time that I had ever had in my life.
You are targeting things abt maternal narcissism that no one else on here has spoken about!! Wow! Most of your videos have been the silent things I couldnt explain but knew I felt. Thank you so much for being able to relate to these silent and malignant issues!!
He just says parent in a neutral sense. It could be maternal or paternal. That's what I'm hearing.
@@Vintage_Tales_Studio Yes, you are right. In my personal experience my father is the narcissistic-parent
Amen
@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 Um, no. Children are not women's penises. Those who identify as women (both those assigned female as birth and trans women) do not want to have penises any more than they want to have tails or fins.
His videos are easy to watch he seems nice and non judgemental not overly intellectual etc....
I'm experiencing burnout from this. The internal slave-driver that's always demanding I go go go go..
Yeah... God forbid we ever stop. I swear I get like 2 hours of sleep sometimes because im up until 4am still cleaning and building trampolines for other people via my moms expectations.. And never have a moment of my own time.. And yet she thinks I still sleep too much. How am I sleeping when I have like a hundred jobs plus my own... And it gets very spiteful when I'm not showing face n jumping by through hoops 247. She's had me arrested several tines because 3 or more people is all you need to make a story true to cops. I swear someone could pay 3 people or 2 people to lie about a stranger n everyone get that person committed or arrested without any wrong doing or knowledge as to why of the victim prisoner. .. ( my life)
I got burnt out twice as well..and I have a micro manager boss..after months of abuse, I realise I am falling into my childhood pattern & I should look for other jobs instead.
Me too... 😖
Me too... I'm 58 years old and psychologically I'm just wearing out now... Hopefully seeing his videos will help. I think it will. What we have to remember is we can let go of that pressure because it's not real it's not for a good reason. We can just have personal standards that let us be responsible to our friends and our job responsibilities and such, as he was saying...
This is true. Just sitting and reading a book was unacceptable. I had to "make myself useful" Was such a shock when I was at a friend's house and looking through their books and her father came in and, instead of telling me to get up and DO something, he sat down near me and we talked about what books we liked to read. I was so overcome by joy I almost gasped for breath.
Never an encouraging word or compliment from my mother... Only proof that she can do the job better than me...
*hugs*
@@MsKiddah ❤️
I can relate to this on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your not alone.
I understand
@M but you did survive... You are sensitive but strong!!!
I was absolutely NOT ALLOWED to feel relaxed and content.
Story time- One night my cranky, miserable narc father was making dinner and it was my job to set the table. I was always an "efficient" kid. I HAD to be. I did things as fast as possible because the dad had zero patience.
Anyway, we were having spaghetti and I set the table with glasses of water, plates, bread basket, salad dressing, parm cheese etc.
I was able to do this with time to spare before dinner was ready. So, I sat back in front of the TV to watch (probably threes company or something??)
He got so mad!!! He told me to keep setting the table!! I was like,.... ok???
I just started getting extra condiments out of the refrigerator to put on the table because didn't know what else to do.
My bratty GC brother came in and asked wtf I'm putting ketchup and mustard out when we are having spaghetti??
I said, "Dad just told me to keep setting the table"
God, that man was sooooooo miserable!!!
He could NOT STAND to see me or anyone else enjoying ANYTHING or being content and peaceful.
I'm so glad I never have to see his miserable face again.
Oh and he was the NICE ONE!! My narc mother is ten times worse.
Edit: my heart goes out to everyone that has had the misfortune of having a narc in their life 💕💕💕💕💕
I was stuck with both parents being this way too.
It took me almost until adulthood to finally realize that no matter how perfect I did everything (to avoid punishment), there was just no satisfying these bastards, and that I could never earn their love.
They hated my very existence even though they consciously brought me into the world.
I can’t tell you how heartbreaking that was.
@@diatribe5 I hope you're far away from them and healing 💞💞💞💞
Thank you. You bet I’ve been no contact for as long as possible. The father is dead, but the mother is still out there, maybe with a new target because I’m not there for her to try to push around.
@@diatribe5 🙏🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Of all the different experts I’ve seen doing videos on narcissism abuse, Jay Reid has taken it many steps further and really delved deeper into the root of the problem and more specific recovery methods.
I feel like our comments here are like an online support group.
You have a clear and deep grasp of the psychological underpinnings of the scapegoated child. Its an earnest and thorough knowledge that you have, which is gained via true compassion. Idk who you are...but you are important to the furtherance of good human evolution. Thank you.
The narc mother can drive the scapegoat to nervous collapse and depression. It happened seveveral times during my childhood.
Yep, I can't sit and relax, not even at the weekend. It was drummed into me that I must always be productive.
These parents steal their childs' life and feed off of killing their self esteem, identity, and get their joy with manipulation. This is completly disgusting. My parents were wealthy and only helped my sister. I am 30 now they consider me worthless And I am forced to live with them.
My mother even says to every person she meets that I am a defect, a problem, a anomaly, overall a bad being. It is so painful. I tried to run from this fact to exist so I wont hate them, i refused hate, and even tried to love them as so i could give tham the support they needed to help them heal their underlying problems that inversed the role for a little while emotionally, but it all bevome even worse because now they used all that to turn it again againts me, and even now I am forced to continue this abuse cause I dont have anywhere to go. All that I do is bad for them.
try to move out dude get some money start from scratch
My parents were middle class, but I never felt forced to live with them in adulthood. I was homeless for a bit, but at least I was free to just be myself. I had no place to sleep, no belongings and not sure where my next meal would come from, but I still felt safer exchanging poverty for my freedom and my safety and sanity.
Get a hotel or Airbnb or live in your car. You only have one life.
This. Get out. I know it seems impossible but even a SHELTER is better than this. You're not defective--you're WOUNDED from THEM wounding you! I really hope you're better now, I know this is two years old--but here's a hug from an Internet stranger if you want one that BELIEVES you can escape and YOU DESERVE TO ESCAPE!
I commando crawled out of my home at age 16, lived on the streets, finally managed to get an AA degree, etc etc,,, get off drugs/alcohol/cigarettes and although lonely, I am independent. I can tell you from experience, the "universe" or whatever works for you will help. It was magical that I was able to survive without anyone's help
Damn, this is exactly what I've been going through for my whole life.
I collapsed under the pressure in my early 20s and buried myself in video games until I was finally able to leave home after graduating college. But even now in my late 20s I'm still constantly beating myself up with the same narrative - I'm lazy, unmotivated, stupid, ungrateful, and just not working hard enough. Been practicing mindfulness and attending therapy this past year, and though subtle, I am starting to see a change for the better. Still sucks to have lost some of the best years of my life battling depression, but it can only get better from here!
@Nathan Ziegler
I urge you to keep growing. Don’t give up. You are young and there is so much life ahead. You may not see it now but you will. You need you and the world desperately needs young people like you.
Now that you are aware of the negative self talk try stopping as soon as you realize it. Apologize to yourself and move on to a positive word about yourself or anything in your current vision. 🎄✨🌲⭐️
I feel your pain! 😢
What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Also ECHOIST
A great website is
parenting.exposed
I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense.
It was NEVER me...It was my "parents"
Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
@@southernbawselady7092 I'll check these out, thanks! Hope you've found peace in your own life
@@nathanjziegler Thanks!
I sure have...Knowledge is definitely power!
Let's keep fighting! 🙏💙💜💚
You are young. You are so blessed to get this now.
" Your past doesn't define you". That being true, healing is a mountain to
overcome!
Yes, everyone says don't look back, for some of us, that's impossible. Move on, try to become better, but those memories never leave, at least not for me. I escaped, 10 yrs no contact now, it's constant work and yes I'm guilty of feeling the need to be productive.
But not in the pandemic hysteria. I was on the way to my life and now there are people, who want to sabotage my life again.
Ohhhh yes it is!!! I'm exhausted climbing that mountain for sure!
My mom criticized my deep cleaning of the house growing up even though my cleaning skills were so much better than hers. Still are. I was basically cinderella and realized it when she had narcissistic rage when I mentioned how much I cleaned back in the day to my brothers gf at the time. My mom made it seem as though I was lying. It was so odd and uncomfortable. Later she admitted, I made her look lazy as though she didn't do anything, so I didn't need to tell his gf how I cleaned back then??? Wow. Ok...
I have helped her with her parents, my grandparents, growing up, above any grandkid in the family, that also got twisted. I never received any appreciation. Others noticed how much I always did for my family which made me essentially really open my eyes..eventually. She has mocked me when she was driving claiming to be lost expecting me to keep repeating directions to places she knew and she grew up in the bay area her whole life. It was a power trip. She has never wanted me to get help from my brother. I had to hear how he helped me move (15 yrs ago) for far too many years? I have babysat his daughter about 3 or 4 days a week for full days til night for MANY years when she was little but that didn't seem to count for zilch. It is truly disgusting what these narcissistic families do. I was abused physically by my dad growing up and in my adult life, I have asked how she felt then. She didn't care or think about it. This was her honest answer. I appreciate her honesty which made me let go and realize both parents are sick and my brother will always be the Golden Child. He can have them. She has also said, "well, your dad didn't hit you everyday!" To downplay it. Sickening. I am glad I am compassionate, loving, loyal, protective and an empath and nothing like my toxic family. I had normalcy at my grandparents home and God. I have distanced myself from my family which was the best decision ever a few yrs ago. Great video!! Thank you!
Dang omg. I had NO CLUE that this was from my upbringing. Just wow. Amazing sir.
I’m 46yo and I am exhausted from everything that I do. I cannot sit because I don’t deserve to sit. I’m always doing something. That’s what my mum had taught me.
Self-sabotaging my own goals by starting a project and not finishing it in order to support that worthlessness has been something I've recently recognized. I'm choosing to work on that, really, just to know what it feels like to live for the sake of my self.
I asked my Mom why my brother and my sister were her favourites. She said because your brother is my only boy and your sister is the youngest. And she added that she is entitled to have favourites and feel like that.
A moment of honesty in my world of being gaslightled.
Needless to say I've battled major health issues my whole life.
" You're pretty because of your father and Me. You had nothing to do with it" ;
"You're lazy just like your father" "So what are your plans for today"? "If I didn't have you...." " I hate you ..."
No wonder that as I was handed my diploma from Columbia University I felt worthless, embarrassed, , ashamed and fraudulent" You are on point and empowering. Thank you!
Dr. Reid, I thought I'd found all the best channels on narcissism, but then I came across yours this week thanks to UA-cam recommending you. Your content on scapegoating is some of the most extensive I've seen. Many specialists do a good job of describing what this looks and feels like, but when you describe it, it feels like you actually KNOW what it feels like and that makes me feel comforted. I am an only child (scapegoat) of a narcissistic father; mother died years ago. It took me 41 years and watching my dad's response to my mother's death, and to me after she passed, that brought it all to light. I wondered for so long why life was so hard, why I felt so alone/misunderstood/worthless, and no matter how successful I was or how hard I tried, it was never good enough. I've sometimes felt like my job in this life is to take up as little space as possible and never want for a thing, and it's still "too much." I waved away so many people over the years who thought I was hard on myself, I was "too sensitive," etc. Now I know the truth, and even if it hurts, it feels a little better to know I didn't do anything to deserve it and it wasn't just my imagination or lack of resilience. People have little idea just how STRONG scapegoats are because we have to be.
I wish I could afford your classes because if you are giving away this level of knowledge and self healing I can only imagine how deep you go in the paid program.
I was a straight A student but that was very unsettling for them. They always made excuses such as " the school standard is low , the teachers are giving me marks i dont deserve etc. ".
It was so clear i was taken to school for them to have something to use to defend themselves when a relative etc pointed out the abuse against me.
I was not taken to school to pass and do well.
They sabotaged my entire education while paying fees on the other hand.
Very confusing . They succeeded in reducing me to a C average student.
Then of course blamed me for it.
i am 60 years old and these issues have utterly undermined and destroyed my chance of a good life. i have truly struggled to comprehend the effects by '1st principles' including professional 'help', none of which correctly identified and provided appropriate treatment. it is with profound thanks that these issues are finally being correctly identified and made public. the affects have been a nightmare to live with - like a puppy tied in a sack and put on a lake to watch it slowly drown. 🙏
coming from someone who grew up in thia environment with a narcissist parent one important thing to add is that these parents often dismiss or invalid any disorders or mental issues a child may have that can make it hard for them to perform well in school or meet the standard for productivity! this is a recipe for self hatred if the child doesnt separated their self image from that of their parents!
The public schools are designed for average IQs,kids who are either above average or below average don't tend to do very well in this system, I think most parents know this but don't care.
Yes! In retrospect I've recently suspected that my fathers criticism of the mental health field was a (subconscious?) preemptive strike against anyone finding out that he, as a narcissist, was the one with the disorder.
So true!...at the same time I'm self sabotaging, living in a state of survival panic, so I'm really bad with finances and making something for myself...it sucks.
Me too... 😖
Good god this is so relatable
Same here. It's really sad. Wanna know why I never bought a house? I knew that if I did my narc mother would come to live with me. I couldn't have imagined simply telling her no. Absolute self sabotage.
I threw all my money at my family for decades, they left me homeless during my divorce but I funded then when I got any money at all. then they did the same during covid. I cut contact when my dad died.
Yasssss.
Spot-on.
Please know you are not alone, my friend. Blessings and healing to you.
Soooo very true -- my family "worth" was based on what I DID. My worth did not depend on the fact that I was "special", "a loved child", "her daughter" being/existence/personhood as her daughter (and my 8 siblings' sister). Because it never changed, over time, I decided to go No Contact at 60 years of age. The toxic treatment and crossed boundaries were condoned by everyone in my birth family. I wasn't allowed to "REST" or take a nap, even if really sleepy. All others were allowed to do so. To this day, I cannot RELAX without feeling I need to DO something, and cannot take naps (even when sleep-deprived).
I can also relate to the matter of being extremely critical about my physical body, no matter how often others' would tell me how they viewed my outward appearance (as "beautiful", envious of my shape, etc.). I attribute this to the negative damage done from the toxic shaming, ridicule, and criticisms in childhood and young adulthood from my abusing, narcissistic mother.. Like you said. I wasn't allowed to have or form my own unique identity, or show negative (sadness/anger) feelings. Even my opinions and thoughts were ignored or shut down/dismissed as inconsequential. When I DID excel in something, it was rarely given notice or praise. I ended up very damaged (psychologically) to where I attempted suicide several times. God wasn't through with me, yet (my "mission" in life).
Healing the woundedness, for me, has come mainly through my faith-based trust in the One and ONLY perfect and faithful person who has walked upon the earth.....God in the flesh (Jesus Christ, Savior and LIFE-giver). The Holy Spirit, which comes to take up residence within all who Believe on Him, takes our "dead" (in Adam) human spirit and renews it (making it "alive" in-Christ - I Corinthians 15:22). I never could just WILL my way into a positive mindset, or "right" thinking about myself and my worth. The Gospel of Grace is free to all who Believe and Receive
(I Corinthians 15:1-4). dailyverses.net/salvation
Beyond the spiritual component, I find taking walks in nature has been helpful throughout my life. I'm considered a Highly Sensitive Person ("HSP"); part of 10-20% of the population who have this designation (discovered by Dr. Elain Aron). You can find out more about this and your empathetic traits online. The need to consider whether certain environments and activities are helping or hurting my well-being or anxiety level (based on those HSP traits) has been key to aiding in the process of regaining strength of mind, body, and spirit.
I respect others' personal stories (testimonies), and am hopeful others will do the same for me. For decades, I read multiple self-help books, was in out-patient counseling/therapy (wrongly dx), and was given anti-depressants and sleep medication (all to NO avail and went cold turkey off them 20 years ago, with my husband's support. I wish you all the best on your individual journeys to wholeness; may you find what you each need and seek.
Thank God He covered you through it all. Many blessings on your continued healing journey!✨
@@43cassy Wow....3 years later (still low-to-No Contact with birth fam) and low contact with husband (also a narcissist who betrayed me over the past 2 years, esp., thru multiple affairs online, porn, adultery -- for which this "Christian" man has no remorse or Godly sorrow). Come, Lord Jesus! Hugs, sister! See you in our Glorified and Perfected state :) That is my Blessed Hope...His Promises are True & Amen!! 💙
Yep!! My mother hated me and my brother for being alive. When I was 18 my mother finally told me she wished she had succeeded at aborting me because I ruined her entire life and basically it was my fault for just being alive. She said it so honestly and so harshly. It’s haunting and telling of why she treated me and my brother the way she did. She committed suicide last year. She blamed me for that ending too. She told others I am evil. All because I refused to take care of her in her insane existence and look after myself.
Much love and blessings.
I’m so sorry Denise. You deserved better. Sending lots of love.
I’m nearly 70, with an ACE score of 6, and CPTSD. Jay has described my experience in such a visceral way, with such compassion, that it has helped me to finally understand the story of my life, and begin to accept it.
When my mom died I had to grieve the hope I held that someday we could have a loving relationship. That realization that all of my held hopes failed and it was very very sad. At first I felt I was the pinnacle of failure but luckily I proved that wrong. I am good enough and I am actually pretty awesome and it’s okay to believe that. It’s okay to have love for myself. I’m not selfish to believe this despite her telling me so my whole life. Still It’s not easy to maintain good feelings for myself. At least I know it’s normal for someone like me and my brother. My poor brother was not as lucky as me. I think I need to find a counselor like you Sr.
I’m 54 this year and I’m only beginning to find solace.
I moved away the first chance I felt strong enough. I’m from New Orleans and moved to Rhode Island. Everything was ok till it wasn’t and couldn’t continue going to school or work. I didn’t leave my bed for months and I didn’t know why that happened. I read books from the moment I woke till it was time for me to sleep. I was really out of it most days so I mentally checked out. I was missing all my therapy sessions and everything. Bills were not being paid, but I would somehow manage to pay them once I was worried about all the late fees and stuff. This has really consumed most of my life and I can only hope and pray that my efforts to heal will soon come.
you will heal ,it is a long term process ,
Hope you are doing better now. Sending love 💞
This really hit home for me!
It really helped me understand the thoughts I had as a child better. I grew up believing I was just inferior and broken, so it was easier to just accept it my defect and not try.
Yes, that was my experience, I just had to accept I was not good enough etc etc And, (as he describes), that becomes a survival habit and we carry on believing it into adulthood. 🙁😥
The paralysis sneaks up on you later in life. It creates a barrier to finishing things, or even beginning them when the parent is no longer there.
This is so true… I’m struggling so much right now
Every video speaks my life as I knew it since realizing my family was this way in 5th grade.
Wow! I totally have been living this. I tried hard not to pass this along to my own child, but I think I still did to a certain extent. I'll have her watch these. I still feel deep down that I have to achieve or produce in order to justify my existence.
I was a scapegoat. My narcissistic mother hated me because I wasn’t good enough for her to brag about to her friends. She hated me because I reminded her of my beloved Father. She was jealous of me. That’s how f up she was
My narcissistic personality disordered mother made me clean homes at the age of 11 every week until I was 18. She called me house frau in German
I was treated like I was only good as a housekeeper. I always felt useless as a daughter
The best day of my life was to go no contact with this horrible mother
Otherwise I will kill myself
I am glad you chose yourself. Don't give up.
As another worthless scapegoat that was a rape baby that looked & acted like my father, I can tell you that it was never about anything you did but about a parent conveniently dumping all their hatred onto one child. So if you work to death, seek perfection, achieve gold medals or become the President, you will always be hated. And if you rebel & give up seeking extreme goals, then you prove everyone in the family they are right. So dont chose sides, walk the middle path, let go of hateful thoughts & work on self-compassion & self-care. I went from eating disorders to running miles to A+ to 70 hr work weeks to collapse & severe social anxiety, insomnia & horrid crippling pain. The real problem with being the emotional punching bag for the whole family is that the whole family eventually hates you because they are UNKNOWINGLY GROOMED TO DO SO. So after your parents die, be prepared for sibling group attacks. The whole family expects you to fail & crawl off into the corner & die to justify their internal family beliefs. SO DONT! Please set up a social support group & counselling for outside support! Everyone thinks they can just walk away & do it alone. But we cant. We need others to help us break free from the toxic self-hating self sabotaging self-destruction ( especially when life gets hard). Everyone fails at some point, everyone gets heart-broken, everyone makes mistakes, everyone hurts others. We need to learn that we are just human & can survive it! And we can survive, but only with our own tribe & village. RUN but find others!
I was the family slave being overworked in the house from a very early age but i was still never good enough, never productive enough. I would still be beaten for not " helping in the house ".
I used to overr give financially whenever funds were being raised eg when someone has died or one of the toxic siblings asks for help trying to make them see that i am also " productive " when i have money but no , was never good enough. Waking up now. Thanks Jeid
Well, I ended up being known for my work ethic... but now I am no longer the family ATM/bill payer. It's amazing how much money I have when I don't have leeches. I work from home now and they all have NO clue what I do or how much money I have :)
When I, as a kid , came to believe that what should be the safest place in the world (home) , was actually a very unsafe place, I was either forced to stay in my room or I chose to stay in my room. Isolation was the only option for security. I tell people that I was raised by jackals. That they shouldn't try to screw with me because I learned from the worst people, how to be a jackal.
I, like you, loved being isolated from family. Safest place was to be out of sight. I'd disappear for HOURS in my room, away from EVERYONE. I even have a profession where I work nights and have the option to work alone. Don't get me wrong-- I'm an empath and love people, but honestly, working ALONE at night is such a blessing. Coworkers can be so draining, and I have no time for drama.
That is what my coworker called the other coworkers in our office one day, he said they are jackals be careful, this was right after I started and I still don't know what, that word means but they all did bully, mob and harass me until I got sick and had to take off work.
@@joannatoth5848 It means they surround their target like wild dogs and tear at the flesh until the prey submits.
totally, I have a big heart, but if you get in my way, God help you! I don't take ANY crap to the point of intolerance. Finally letting go in my older years
Me too. I tried running away to other family's home but they thought my parents were great people then took me back, things got 10x worse. In 6th grade I told people I didn't have a family.
This is SO TRUE. I've spent a lifetime of working harder so as not to not feel inadequate etc , the result is exhaustion both physically and mentally.
(8:55) I'm really going to need the trick on how to "recover one's own goal for oneself and how one wants to be" because you said it: "it's easy to say and harder to actuate in the recovery process". That is what I've tried so hard for so many years. I'll give you a call soon.
As a child, I had to stay up until 3 and 4 am cutting and pinning patterns for sewing contracts my mother always did at the 'last minute.' Of course, when things went wrong, her rage would shoot across the room and I usually had to duck the flying objects while I tried desperately to concentrate on the task she had assigned me. If I messed up there would be very serious consequences. I was terrified of her. She'd then send me to school and have me up at 7am. I used to be so tired at school but I dared not complain. I hated being a child. I hated that home. I hated being useful. I learned how to figure out so many things as a child. It was a militant and exacting existence. Fun wasn't part of my vocabulary. I still struggle with 'playing.' I feel horrible shame or guilt if I'm not productive at all times.
Covid forced me to face this. I finally had to lie on my bed even during the day. It almost took my life.
🎄✨🌲⭐️
So glad you're still here, and that your heart is still tender.
just kill the role, not your self
give them back there shadow, you will be left with pure light, that's why they put it there in the first place
well this was put infront of me today for a reason lol
That explains why I washed my families clothing by hand for a year in addition to making all meals from scratch and my own clothes by hand . I wish I could take my family to court to be compensated for all the extra work I did
This is SO TRUE! i can remember feeling this way a child! I tried SO HARD, and it never got me anywhere. Thank you for this!
This episode got me thinking about my survival/recovery from a narcissistic mother. She required compliance with her version of reality and any deviation from her reality was quickly met with an escalation of manipulation and threats to regain my compliance. Now as a 40 year old, I still have a really hard time accepting someone else manipulating facts for their gain. Such as my boss requiring me to verbally say I did/did not do X but the opposite is true. Or he said something that he later denies and I’m met with punishments for not altering reality to allow him to erase his previous comments. This is quite problematic for me because I can’t let my survival technique of not altering reality go…not even sure I should. Ultimately I quit talking with my mother 10 years ago and I stand by my decision. So I still don’t know how to handle someone that Alters reality and quitting my job is not an option.
Yup those are not just my own parents but society as a whole.... atleast where I live it seems to be a real mental sickness.
yes, when I was trying to piece myself back together after escaping an abusive relationship, I was on benefits, I had two toddlers, I had low earning potential, I couldn't be in two places at once, childcare costs are high, and YET AND YET I was relentless asked ''when are you getting back to work?''. It was horrible. I as just trying to stay safe and get to the point where my kids were old enough to start school!
My sin to my mother was that I existed. It felt like she regarded me as breathing the oxygen that was reserved for her. 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that I must make my life meaningful objectively in order for my suffering not to be a total waste. I love and identify with the plight of many animals, so I made animal rights my life's goal. It did and still does provide a sense of purpose and values at my core. I'm learning to love and value myself. At first, I didn't know how I really felt until I asked the little girl inside of me how she felt. Her answers broke my heart. Through extending compassion to her, I am more able to love and value myself. The consequences of being scapegoated by a malignant narcissist are staggering. I'm so grateful for Jay to put out these life saving insight and hope for the victims.
I wasted so much time working. Working to fix myself to get the acceptance and love from my family when I FINALLY come to realize that first of all that I'm not broken and in need of fixing as I have inherent worth as a human being, number 2 that no matter what I do things will not change with them because they have not and do not see me for who I am because they need me to live inside of the role they have constructed for me despite the reality of who I really am they will ignore the things I do that don't fit their construct and magnify anything that does. I am so incredibly thankful to be off that hamster wheel and to have turned away from the brick wall to follow my own path with confidence because it is the path that honors the reality of who and what I am and the contrast between the trap of that old way of being and this new found contentedness is the the dark with the light, the trapped with the free, the insecure with the secure.
Love these videos. He always makes me feel heard, seen, understood and cared for which I never had from my family of origin. Thank you 🙏
Man it's so hard for me to hear this.. It brings up so much pain. I feel so angry that I was treated with so much meanness and criticism as just an innocent child. And I'm so angry about how much trouble it has caused me in my life. I wish I had a parent who showed me love and kindness and cared about my feelings and wanted me to be happy. Thank you for making these videos. It's really hard to hear but it's also profoundly relieving to hear the truth that was gaslit out of my mind over the years. Like being told by my whole family it was all in my head. But I knew deep down it wasn't right. Thank you
They turn your kids against you too. Never go back. I saw a swarm of these narcissist relatives four years ago and they were vicious to me. They scapegoat each other now as well as the child if mine that they turned against me 18 years ago. From now on, any cards from them will be thrown in n the trash. I kept taking them back and forgiving others like them and they kept turned ng on me. Yes, I was in the act of doing and own about 800 self- help books. I can never recover that I have lost the love of my 32 year old child. It is a loss to lose the love and know that she is a narcissist like them. It is hard to live at 58 with all this. To finally understand why I had the anorexia and breakdowns when I was young is comforting though. Thank you for your work.
He just nails it.
Not just the scapegoat child but golden child, too
You explained exactly how I've been living! For the last 40 years... I knew that it wasn't good to be procrastinating about everything and non-productive, but I kept doing it. And then just like you said I'm coming to the conclusion that now also that for my own reasons I want to have certain standards of productivity and responsibility to others, apart from opposing the narcissistic pressure. Of course I haven't lived at home for 35 years but yet still feel that pressure inside... You have a good insight on these things...
I'm always feeling pressure inside that I'm worthless if I'm not accomplishing something. So I'm getting an inkling just from listening to this video that this is driven by the narcissistic abuse and I can throw it away. I guess you did say that, to adopt our own standards...
I self sabotaged my senior HS year because I didn't really believe I was worthy of that college education......I pulled it together enough to "walk" in graduation but was a few credits shy of my actual diploma, which I would make up later.
My father refused to come to graduation because I was receiving an empty envelope.
Ugh, me too....
My Mother refused to come to my college graduation. She said that she would rather spend her money on buying a new range top for her oven.
I never went to college because I'd been convinced that I was not smart enough. I have an IQ of 140 (not that that matters). MY narc parents made pretty damn sure that I nor my sibs would do better than them. Disgusting.
It is so clear that Jay actually knows what it feels like to recover from this. I remember making a music video for someone (paid job), and I was already into healing, and I remember sitting there, internally switching from enjoying the work and between the perfectionistic must-do state. It was terrible.
Omg I finally understand why I struggle with taking a break. I hope you do a video(maybe you have already) about money and feeling like you are not worthy to buy yourself stuff. (Not elaborate stuff just basic stuff.)
Yeah I feel guilty about paying off the debt they got me into instead of giving them the money
After many years of strain i feel exhausted and still feel the need to "making something".
No motivational talk is able to put me on the track.
I feel shame that I am not stupid but not able to work for my own good ,
also years after being SGChild.
Greetings for all of you who work on this.
Yep it’s like being a handmaid which most scapegoats are naturally (Doctor Ramani- Handmaid) . They tell you that if you have not done some duty well enough according to them then you are worthless.
This is why I suffered so much exhaustion around them because if I am not cooking I am cleaning and if not doing that then it’s always something needed for me to do. When I left to live by myself the amount of freedom and healing I felt was beyond amazing. My soul felt free and no longer burdened.
This phenomenon is compounded if you're disabled as well as scapegoated. I have cerebral palsy, and I felt (and still do) like I needed to make up for it every single second of every day. I was the golden child for a while, but when I got suicidally depressed in college and flunked out twice, my successful sister took on that role. Now I'm in a limbo state.
Exactly! I was oldest child and
The maid. I was never considered part of the clan.
Mom never yelled at 3 other
Children or barked orders
Yelling. Never beat my siblings
With belt or switch. I was also
Echo. I had no voice. If I was
Hungry or hurting I could not
Tell my mom. I was there to meet her needs and my siblings
Needs. I was invisible. Then
I was so hungry and overworked as a 12 year old
I would become angry I could not take it anymore. I learned
To dismiss my feelings be
A robot. Yes ma’am. This was
Carried over into my adult
Life marrying Alcoholics and
Narcissistic people that were
Selfish, cruel, self centered,
Demeaning and never gave
Me a dime. But I tried so hard
To get their approval. I got a degree in health care which
Is essentially the same.
Perfect for co dependents
Short staffing, no lunch breaks,
Bully managers, employers,
Co workers, physicians.
The life saver is the patient
That appreciates all that
Is done for them.
Hate works for a descript of the narc parent as does the scapegoated child's yearning for approval. Actually any type of attention. Kissing up yields very few points being negative yields a few more you just end up kind of getting banished.
Another case in point self-help books and here I am on your channel I can only speak for myself that's why all the i and me statements.
I like the way the host always brings us back to the projection part by the narcissistic parent(s).
Phew! I just about worked myself to death until I was forced by self-imposed poor health to slow down. Then I felt I was completely unsuccessful and spiraled into depression! It’s taken a lot of therapy to see the horrible conditioning I’ve taken to my core. Will I ever rise above it? Who knows.
Don't lose hope on yourself. It takes time and lots of patience, self-love yourself.
I've long referred my to type 1 diabetes as sort of 'my child'. It made me slow way down. It's as if my subconscious created the perfect disease that would FORCE me to take care of myself.
Keep these coming! (But please, feel no pressure to produce them 😂😅)
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am almost in tears about how accurate this all is. I was not the crazy one how I made myself to believed growing up.
Dang. Omg! Ok now I understand why it's so hard for me to rest and take break from work. Thank you for this video.
I have felt this way for a while. God has delivered me.
So glad to hear that sis! Not being able to work and being forced to rest right now has been tremendously difficult for me internally. It's forced me to come to grips with this reality. I've been absolutely exhausted and depleted the past several years desperately needing and wanting to rest from all my ambitious pursuits but not being able to because of the selfemposed pressure to keep up this image to the world of being hard working and strong. And also to avoid feeling like a worthless lazy bum like I used to feel in my younger adolescent years. Now I'm not even able to keep up this ideal image of myself even if I wanted to because of the burn out and exhaustion! I believe God is addressing this issue in my life so he can heal me which is why I am hedged in and can't work at the moment even though I want to but not so much for me but for others. I know I'm loved unconditionally by him but I don't believe that's true of many people in my life, including family. So the propped up image is not for him but for them. I don't want to be judged by them like I used to be but he's teaching me to let go of my need to control my own imagine and surrender it to him. Sorry for the long response but I just had to get that out!
@@zmcfadgen
I feel your pain! 😢
What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Also ECHOIST
A great website is
parenting.exposed
I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense.
It was NEVER me...It was my "parents"
Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
@@southernbawselady7092 Awww bless you sis! That was so kind of you. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I will definitely check it out! 💓
@@zmcfadgen
Awesome!
Stay blessed! 🙏💚💙💜
In what ways can you tell God has freed you from this? I have truly trying for years.
I never knew that my life could be explained by someone else so clearly. I feel heard and understood by someone!😲 AMAZING ❤️ Thank you for your videos🙏
Same! And I've literally watching hundreds of videos on narcissism. Incredible. This feels like the missing piece in this whole puzzle.
Jay, this video is healing to my soul and I'm putting it at the top of my "Protocol when stuck in freeze" tool kit list. Your work is so incredibly helpful and appreciated.
This explains a lot about drop outs and drop out / counter culture communities that I was in for years. They seem to react to " society" as though it were a narc parent.But disable themselves somehow also.
How we people pleasing perfectionists are created. This is spot on. Thank you.
I genuinely think youre a genius.
Yes. I used to set way too high of goals to disproven worthlessness. Then when I failed at the goals, not because I wasn’t capable but because I believed I would fail (like my mother said) it just proved her to be right. Sort of like when it got hard I got scared and gave up, rather than overcoming the challenge and accomplishing the goal. During those times of challenge I would reach out to my mother for support who, rather than telling me it’s ok you can to it (sort of thing) ie be encouraging, she shamed me and “encouraged” me to give up or conform to the belief that I couldn’t do it. 😢 So many failed dreams. Which looking back I know I could have accomplished if given the proper support, or taken more realistic steps toward that goal. The taking the leap, just gave my mother ammunition to attack me and make her right. And those “leaps” wouldn’t have been leaps if I would have been given the proper support which was available but intentionally withheld.
OMG, spot on. Feeling validated, and understood.
Been a workaholic since childhood. Still feel bad for stopping in my 30’s.
Thankyou so much again J
I have carried this role of scapegoat from my FOO to the school gates, to the workplace and in my extended family. I feel 'ok' in myself now until something in me triggers a scapegoat-er. With text book similarity, three times now, a covert scapegoating narcissist has set out to exclude me from a group. Each time, the woman has love bombed everybody else in the group while treating me like I am a ghost. That makes me wither and freeze and withdraw from the group because I seem to be unable to stay grounded in myself when somebody so covertly excludes me. I have scoured the internet for advice on this subject and I can't find anything useful to be honest. All the advice is to run for the hills but I keep having to take myself out of groups and losing everybody else as well in the process. I am very isolated now. Please can you do a video about this.
Hang in there Susan, you are different, lot of folks can't handle different, they may see you as more intelligent and feel threatened by that, and people can be very mean these days. Visit an old man here that has seen it too much. You can take charge by developing new interest and hobbies and learning to be happy within your own self. Stop by if you get time, might find something to enjoy, that's the hope.
OMG, I was always reading self help and psychology books from the since the age of about 14 trying to find out what was wrong with me 😢. I'm in my 50s now and just starting to truly understand what happened to me. It's so sad but it's better late than never. I have hope for the future now. Thank you Jay, I really appreciate your videos. ❤
Exactly what all are doing to me at work and at home in my dysfunctional family. I have never taken off work for any amount of time and have never been on a vacation in my life and am 58 years. old. Then my doctor took me off work due to severe health issues caused by workplace bullying, mobbing, harassment by jealous and envious coworkers who are trying to push me out, the management, HR, union, Walsh the Dept of Employment head, Governor Pritzker, Senator Durbin, Ethics Department all allowing it. I work at the State of IL IDES and have worked in Mt Vernon IL and most recently Effingham IL. They denied my worker's compensation claim and disability and I have appealed, have not been paid in four months, and they cut off my insurance due to not being able to pay my share of the premiums because I have no income coming in. I was having PTSD symptoms like others in other state agencies are also having, nightmares, migraines, heart issues, anxiety, sadness, fear, and panic if I had to talk to any of them or think of returning. My father has no concern or empathy whatsoever, he is unsympathetic to me only, he refuses to accept what has been going on and he also refuses to help me financially, and never has, so I don't even both asking, in fact, I can count on one hand and remember every gift I have ever received from him in my life. The whole family treats me this way, so I have no help at all, even while off. My doctor says I can return with accommodation if I am feeling better on 2/1/2023 and if things are changed, they understand what is going on and are educated. My father was acting like I am lazy tonight when I went to help him and refused to talk to me and said, "When are you going to get a job or go back to work?"" in a hateful tone, his face looks so rageful at times. He told us he got his nose broken when in the service as he had a smart mouth and a guy let him have it. He also hit me in the mouth one time as a teenager for not agreeing with him. All he cares about is ME making HIM look good and I would bet he is behind the issues at work too, he was telling me things to tell the other marine in our office when I started there and interfered with my jobs when I moved away one time too calling his friend who lived nearby where I was and having him check up on me constantly until I came back here. He acts like he owns me and like I am still ten years old. Not sure what to do to get him to leave me alone and butt out of my life and business!
This fits perfectly with my experience. I completely lost all ambition and motivation in school. Early in my childhood it became obvious that there was no such thing as winning or success for me the scapegoat of my NARCfather.
This is me. I’m stuck in this loop/condition of as long as if I can prove myself…I’ll go along and accept that I’m worthless for now. It’s worn me down it’s too much stress so I don’t do anything and I’m letting my life pass me by. Hijacked life! I’ve been working on daily meditation for a year now. It’s a deadly wound, and I’m desperately searching for healing by becoming mindful and accepting through loving kindness, compassion, joy and equilibrium. It’s my reorientation to living from the inside outward. Thank you for these videos ❤️
Youve just described me to a T lol. A*s in school and extracurricular activities then burnt out in uni and currently trying to figure myself out..
Thank you Jay. This did bring clarity about why I always feel anxious when I am not being “productive”. So strange to only become conscious of what really happened in my childhood at 58. It also brings clarity about why I have been reluctant to set my own goals recently. The anticipation of failure that we have absorbed. Jay, I really appreciate your dedication to bringing these insights out for our awareness and recovery. It is interesting how more and more layers to this are being revealed seems like daily now. Awareness is the first step toward recovery though. So heartfelt thank you!
"The anticipation of failure that we have absorbed. "
OMG you said it all.
8:28 “can reinforce to oneself that they are worthless” when you step back from over functioning. This cycle describes decades of my life
Burnout is making me revisit this belief: "they won't kill you as long as you are useful / I thought, with the logic of the camps" (this is my own English translation of part of my poem "Baudelaire at the brothel", originally in Spanish). Thank you, Jay, for such deep insight, as always!
This is gold material. Thank you been looking for this. Thank you.
You describe things exactly as they happen. Thank you, from a family scapegoat nearly beaten to death on more than one occasion. Thank you.
Thank you for explaining this . I felt his way too long .
My mother used to tell me that I was an unexpected pregnancy and came too soon. Which was her very sly way of blaming me for the turbulence in the house and for her inability to care for me.
Your videos are very informative. I am mom in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t realize how bad it was until most of the damage was already done to my children. I have so many regrets for children and myself. I have 3 kids. Their dad scapegoated the middle child. Many times he was too hard on the oldest, my son, but he also put this son on a pedestal 😳. My youngest child is clearly daddy’s favorite, but the kids all dislike him. The youngest child, his Golden Child, is having a very difficult time with some mental health diagnoses. I have her in therapy and we are working on finding the right meds. I feel like she probably did have a genetic tendency towards anxiety and related disorders but I feel firmly that the family chaos she has lived with has pushed her over the edge into developing full blown DSM5 order(s) 😢.
Anyway, I hope you make some videos on the damage this kind of family system does to the Golden Child and how they can recover.
avoid putting children on meds if at all possible. get her out of the situation and into a modern form of therapy and make sure her diet is as toxin/allergen/processed junk free as possible.
Thank you for putting words to these barbs.
Thank you for showing up. I agree that if there are other folks helping the children in this way, they are ghouls, or I haven’t found them.
Procrastination is one of my biggest issues. I know i want and need to get this done but i become immobilized in I think fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of believing in myself.....at the 11th hour im scrambling to get it done and of course making mistakes because i am frantic to get it done. In essence im speaking to the failure in me. Validating to myself, you can never do anything right, you are a hot mess, you are worthless how can anyone love/like you! I always scream outloud. Why do i do this to myself?!!! You just explained it to me. I get it now! Thank you
For F#$k sake, my mother is dead (thankfully) but unfortunately she lives on in my head!
My mom told me God is ashamed of me for wasting my life and talents. I’d she knew anything about me she would know that’s the opposite of reality. I told her I’m proud of who I am and the shame is hers
Thanks Jay! As with nearly all of your videos that I've watched so far, you nailed it it's a strange double bind when we're expected to do good enough to make them look good enough as their child, but not so much to outshine them. And, when we do well enough, they say it's because they encouraged or pushed us. Or, they tell us not to bother if we can't do something perfectly. Or, they say they support us, but secretly hope we fail so that they can save us .
So many false beliefs I'm fighting against, but I like the idea of finding goals and ambition to work for, for ourselves, and finding our own ways of achieving them.
💙🦁🐺💓 you are not worthless, you are everything my babies. You are so valuable, and have so many beautiful qualities to offer and so much beauty that you share. If you make mistakes I will show you how to do better, not put you down. You are my flame geniuses. You are intelligent, you are resilient, you are divine, and you are God sent my cubs. You are so much more, than who belittles you. And if you make a mistake, that doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you seasoned with wisdom. Mistakes are where changes come from. Don't listen to those negative thoughts in your heads. People who quit on themselves, feel like they are worthless. And no one has told them to believe different. I believe in you, even when it feels hard to receive. You will get better over time. Without your mistakes, you are only complacent. These are your cheat codes to success. You are worthy of love, care, and support. You don't know all you are capable of, until you have a few hiccups. And I Iove you even more for being brave enough for getting back up, and trying again. I see that sexy ass tenacity and determination. Keep that shit up, chip away at the challenges.
Thank you so much Jay Reid, for these vids on the scapegoat 🙏 They got me out of a deep hole of suffering this week.
so good and helping thank you!! Looking forward for every video now, as I was the scapegoat these are really helping for the healing/understanding-process!!