Matt Whitaker's History Of Time-Travel, Toilets & Bigfoot
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- Опубліковано 26 вер 2024
- To say that Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker was a snake oil salesman would be to leave out the other items from his catalogue, like toilets for the well-endowed and the concept of time-travel.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via CBS All Access, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
My day isn't complete without Stephen's monologues.
Me too
Same here. Weekends are rough.
Make us 3;)
#Me Too!!
@@justsaying3729 #be best 🤣🤣
"When I wanna Google hints for the new Zelda game at work"
Stephen is such an adorable being. protect him at all costs.
“Do you have a biblical view of justice?”
Question coming from a scammer who was caught by authorities and who wants to stop the justice system from doing its job.
So biblical.
I believe that was taught in the story of Joseph from Gonorrhea
I don’t really think that most of the GOP is religious. They claim to be because a large portion of their base is. They need something. They can’t very well state out loud that they are the party for the wealthy, and themselves and that they don’t give a rats ass about anything else.
Andrew Newman for a sec I was about to ask how that’s a bad thing...then I realized you meant the rock version.
@@JasonW. ,😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
With a biblically huge dong
NOTE: they didn't defraud for $26 Million... that was their fine for defrauding investors, which means they defrauded investors much more than that!
Well no wonder tRUMP thinks he's qualified.
Our president is showing all the signs of a narcissist. Mrs McCain referred to him as Negative Nancy. I totally understand her. He should be solving the country's problem now and stop blaming Democrats and everyone else.
I think the really sad thing is that anyone got millions of dollars of investment for a time traveling bigfoot.
And Trump University was fined $25milion for defrauding people. What a coincidence!!
Excellent point, thanks for pointing that out.
"Roid rage lima bean." That's an exceptionally good one.
People didn't use to take these people seriously.
Now they rule the nation.
Incredible...
Think that was part of the problem?
Idiocracy! It's happening!! Like the movie!! Wow
No, they dont. "Ruling" accurately means controlling which tends to suggest "well managed". Listen Yee.....No.
Our premier did say he knows the best people.
@@coolhari2000 Large, powerful, tremendous!
When Whitaker said "what I know is, as long as they have that [biblical] worldview, that they'll be a good judge", I immediately thought of creepy Christian judge Roy Moore...
A conman who's company was sentenced to pay back $26M to people he defrauded.
A judge who could understand "What Would Jesus Do ???" would be a humane judge, however, that is not the kind of judge that Acting AG Whitaker would actually appoint when he talks about the Bible...
Eew! Alabama dodged a bullet with that one🤢
@@hks2377 The really scary thing is how many people actually voted for him. He lost, to be sure, but not by as much as he should've. He should've gotten precisely 0% of the vote. That he got any more than that is too much, but how much he did get is sickening.
Whitaker totally looks like that guy who is two seats over from you on the subway, arguing with a sleeping homeless guy about Bigfoot, Time travel, and the Illuminati.
The homeless guy looks like Steve Bannon.
Bannon looks like week-old road kill. Whitaker's appointment to the AG role merely smells like i t.
...are you sure the hobo just "looks" like Bannon?
You people have obviously never ridden a subway in real life.
@@eliotno3 I will bet good money that we have, moron
@@J.M.-nb4gw Actually my point was that wealthy white guys over 40 never ride subway in US cities but I made it wrong. As to your negativity, take it far, far away from Stephen's channel. He's all about comedy and leaves everyone laughing then you bust the mood... WTH is wrong w/you? 🤔
If your "big foot" reaches the water at 12", just lay that thing across your thigh. Just an idea. A money saver.
Stephen’s delivery is impeccable
When Guile's Theme started playing, I lost my shit. Well done, Jon Batiste, that was incredible.
DarthCruciare87 wait when was that?
@@AConquerorsVendetta 5:37
I don't get that ?????
I immediately had to go search for comments to confirm I didn't mishear it. That was certainly an unexpected pleasant surprise.
See, I thought it was the Dragon Ball theme song :D
Colbert and his team are geniuses!
I want to time travel back to my old reality.
Yep, you can drop me off during the early 1980's. Better music, better fashion, more jobs, less pollution, cheaper housing, free higher education, less EU rules crippling our every move.
@@debbiehenri7170 There was more pollution back then and EU rules are designed to counter pollution.
I want to travel back to the 1990s to prevent having hydrocephalus in the first place, help my dad pick 4201 Scotland Dr in Grand Prairie TX, attend the same elementary school with William D. Cameron IV and Valerie Parra and to live closer to them in the same street, Then I want my little brother Emmanuel to be born on March 2008 and for him to be able to talk. I also want to confront any bully or pervert that gets in my way and to attend any school event including prom
I'd like to go so far forward I can't remember Trump 😕
Only a con man would hire another con man. People like people most like themselves.
Birds of a feather stick together
Future generations won't believe this administration actually existed
Future generations will be picking lice off each other.
Trump might be known as a fascist idiot.
😂😂😂😂Right!
WE WILL DELETE IT FROM HISTORY BOOKS LIKE AMERICAN INDIANS WERE DELETED WHEN I WAS A KID. #TURNABOUTFAIRPLAY
You’re assuming future generations will exist. 😋
When Stephen "traveled to the future" (at 4:14)then looked at his watch, I just lost it!😅 Busted out lol so hard that my neighbor heard as he was walking past my house. He laughed to. Showed him this video today and he lol too, and told me he also watches Stephen. My brother was also laughing as he called me today to tell me about Stephen's monologue last night. I said yeahhh....I watch it every night and see the videos in the morning too. Toooo funny!🤣😅
I am so disappointed Matt Whittaker was not called shaved baby Alex Jones
LOL Good one Gabriele
I mean, there's still plenty of time for that
Well, he's actually tall and in shape... Like an Alex Jones' "Mr Hyde", only when he transforms he's less crazy.
@@senselocke that awkward moment when believing in bigfoot and time machine sales makes you "less crazy"...also that awkward moment when the POTUS has actually been involved with Infowars...
Gabriele Dedinaite - Last time Stephen mentioned him he already had the ultimate description for Whitaker: "Baby who grew up and is not happy about it."
It's getting to the point where comedy writers don't have to do anything except Google the day's news and then mention what happened. The jokes are writing themselves.
+Guzeebo ~ You'd think so, but reading the news is depressing AF. It takes talent, and lots of it, to make all this soul-sucking dreck palatable & even funny. Granted, they have a lot of ready material to work with, but I'm confident (and have heard various comedians say) that it takes a ton of effort to come up w/funny.
You'd thinks so, but Trump and Co are a parody of themselves and as you say it almost writes itself. I could see the umbrella incident being a skit if Trump didn't actually do it himself. And the was an ad about Trumpy bear and I'm not sure if it was a real advert or a joke. Here's the advertisement, brace yourself. ua-cam.com/video/i9qv8RSreIM/v-deo.html
Guzeebo It’s funny because it’s true, now more simply than ever
ZER0 Supposedly the bear ad really was aired on FOX, but I still suspect it was someone trolling Trump fans. It not only showed men carrying it, the product info said “Not for 12 & Under” 😳 How many adults, much less grown men, are buying stuffed animals for themselves??
The weed sure helps!
Putting the con in conservative
Anty Bee: Hey are we related? I'm the Busy Bee and I can hardly wait for the Dems to start, and I can hardly wait for Mueller's report, and I can hardly wait for Florida and Georgia's final election results, and I can hardly wait for the Dems start squeezing racist Don to see his tax forms... Cheers
The ghost of Rube Goldberg salutes you. (see *"I'm the Guy"*)
more like "Putin the con in conservative"
@@mr.j_krr_80 well played!!
That picture of SASQUATCH carrying Whitaker. Lol😅
Wait a minute, Stephen is a Zelda fan?
I know this shouldn't be a surprise, but I am just so damn happy about this.
William Edward Link is really just the Captain America of Hyrule
Hearing that made me so happy
I remember the band played Song of Storms once and it made my day
That surprised me as well. He doesn't come across as a gamer!
@@thisisnancybot
Yeah, when the Stormy Daniels story first broke.
Trump university taught me that time travel and Bigfoot are totally legit business opportunities.
😂😂😂
Thing is, time travel is actually physically feasible. Its supported by the theories we currently work with, hell, wormholes can move you through time and are supported by the relativity theory - we dont have the means to create anything like that yet, but its very much within the realm of possibilities. To travel into the future, you could actually just build a space ship (or hyperloop kinda thing) that accelerates you near the speed of light; time slows down for you relative to how fast youre going, at the speed of light (which you cant reach) you would not experience any time passing at all - if youre close to the speed of light, you could travel in circles for any stretch of time you want, then slow down and enjoy being in the future. Pretty straight forward shit, just hope they have stable wormhole creating technology in the future, otherwise youre stuck there, and given the current advances in genetic manipulation (CRISPR and the likes), biotech and AI, you might just find yourself looking like a neanderthal if humanity didnt go extinct anyways , might not be the most enjoyable of experiences. Still, technically feasible and far from the bullshit its made out to be here.
Yeah, Trump University taught that you will always find fools to make cash. Even in positions like acting AG. ;)
Niklas Wassermann Stephen demonstrated something like that in his bit... hold your breath for 10 seconds - now you've moved 10 seconds into the future. The speeds you're talking about are hard to achieve, too.
The important point, is that the dude is a scammer.
You're forgetting space force
Time travel, big foot, and space force go together lol
Ha ha ha u made my day.
Time traveling bigfoot IS space force
Watching this clip has caused UA-cam to start offering me related crackpot videos with titles like "Student Finds Hidden Devices in the College Library - Are they nefarious?", and "Time Traveler from Venus Says We Will Be A Type 2 Civilization by 2100" and "Is the President Secretly a Reptilian Impostor?"
Well, okay, that last one might actually have something to it...
He's not choosing a cabinet, he's casting a reality show.
Nobody wanna talk about how awesome it is that Colbert looking forward to a new Zelda game?
That's Street Fighter - Guile theme at 5:38 :)
"All the streets!"
@5:38 Guiles theme! Rock on Jon!
"This whole thing was just a clever plan to lure SASQUATCH out of the woods with a promise of a toilet that wud finally accomodate his SEQUOIA." Lol😅
Whittaker seems like a power lifting Homer Simpson. The things he’s done and the things he gets into is Homer-esque. Bigfoot, time travel, hot tubes with swings and a masculine toilet? Doh!
G1Transformed TRUE AND FUNNY !
Don't watch this video on public transport unless you want people to wonder what the hell you're crying with laughter at.
Ian Macfarlane 😂🤣😂 Too late!! Completely lost it around lima bean comment...and didn’t get it back until it was over. Now have all three of our dogs AND the hubby staring at me in deep concern. (Was wearing headphones)
@@Caninecancersucksrocks I feel your pain 😂.
I with laughter while standing on a train platform, (wearing headphones).
The opening monologues are always well written, but this one was too much - I had no idea where it was going next 😄.
@@titoqwentezproductionz3406 Yup!
please seek help
This was you, wasn't it? 😉
I love how he takes the standard European toilet and marketed it as a masculine one...
Haha, yeah. That is exactly what toilets in Australia look like as well.
Are you saying Americans have feminine toilets?
DerLaCroix1 are you telling the rest of the world is masculin compaired to us americans?
Only that the rest of the world does not use small bathtubs filled to the brim...😎
@@DerLaCroix1
Ok....just explain that little stage at the bottom....I mean...sure everybody looks....but why the presentation?
A scam artist has biblical views towards Judges.
Translation : If I scam someone then judges should forgive me like Jesus.
i want to see him go through a confirmation hearing... would be a riot.
When Stephen prayed to God i was expecting a light and a sudden voice from above saying: "Please keep me out of it!"
Is anyone sure we aren't just trapped in the longest episode of _Black Mirror_ ever?
😂
We are.
I'm like 80% sure of this. But, I've also been binge watching BM for the past week
@@Kaysaaay which one is your favorite episode?
i like that one where the prime minister of england has to have sex with a Trump
I keep saying this: why can’t trump pick 1, just 1 person that isn’t marred in controversy
I mean, if he did, would we hear about it? Controversy is fun, exciting, it gets clicks.
Who? Nobody that sane would want to be anywhere near this SS.
He would have to first know someone of that description
Because people who wants to be hired by trump gotta do something that gets them into spotlight and the president's radar. :)
Those not frequently mentioned by late night shows, like Mattis, and about the half of the cabinet
Laughed so hard my stomach hurts !! Thank you MR. COLBERT !!!!
“...that would finally accommodate his mighty Sequoia!” 🤣
Matt Whitaker looks like a gritty reboot of Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty did cross-fit and spoke with a gravelly voice whilst using his ultra-masculine toilet.
But "roid rage lima bean" is funnier.
Shout out to Jon Batiste for dropping the first few bars of the Guile theme at 5:38.
Matt Whitaker graduated from Trump University 😂
Are you sure? I'm not sure if he's smart enough to even graduate from a fake university....
Lol these comments are as fun as stephen
LeeTravius Mckay love ur comments yes indeed
Having a BS from Trump U is a requirement to work in this white house
"roid rage lima bean" 😂😂
In Australia, "masculine toilets" already exist. They're called "toilets".
Same in Britain.
Lol. Just love it. We poor Americans just let loose a crazy person onto the world. Bad enough he ran around here like a nut.
That video at the end was classic infowars-level GOP gold lol
"I interviewed them on the same day... and either one of them would make a better AG than Whitaker."
Bigfoot would make a better AG than Whitaker.. and he doesn't even exist.
Well, in THIS timeline.
Step into a future timeline: Congress is back in session and Whitaker is as elusive as a Sasquatch, or at least as elusive as Kavanaugh. Too bad we don't have DNA evidence for Kavanaugh. The special toilet results came back negative due to insufficient samples.
Whitaker looks like a fully shaved bigfoot. Coincidence?
I've put on my "Darkest possible timeline" Goatee. More of a Van Dyke - really... but what did Abed know?
The fact they were able to raise 26 million dollars for time travel is almost unbelievable but then i think about how many people actually like Trump and its much easier to believe.
Or to go back in time to when trump wasn't president
Its actually a good investment. You can go forward in time and check the stock market and results of sports matches. You will be rich in no time. I have this from a reliable documentary called Back to the Future.
C'mon he only believes in Time travel and big foot. Donald Trump doesn't even believe in Global warming.
Donald trump doesn't believe in anything. He's a nihilist who adopts beliefs when they will benefit him politically and especially financially.
Fun fact: Einstein's theories actually allow for time travel in a sense. We have had people(astronauts) travel fractions of a second towards in time. It only works traveling forwards in time though.
@Real American yes so much DNA everywhere. Bigfoot, I seen one last summer. He was nice took a selfie but it was too blurry. So no one believes me. Sucks.
@@TheSquidy184 there are solutions to Einstein 's equations that allow for time travel to your past. Google "closed time - like curves". I doubt Whitaker has read those papers.
@Real AmericanI hope you are joking.
technology powered by jesus. 😂This skit has to be one of the funniest skits of all time 👍
So, is a conman going to be an AG?
Well, we do have a conman as president...
Absolutely.
A Con Man is already President, so anything is possible in this new Con Land!
Republican voters say... HELL YES!!!
already has one as the Pres
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stephen, let's not be hasty in bashing this time travel thing. I mean, if we can figure it out, we can go back to ANY time, right? Like, say... oh, I don't know... Election Day 2016...
Unless predeterminism is a thing & the attempt to go back to 2016 is what brought us to this warped timeline.
I am convinced Trump became President in 2016 because in our universe, Kyle Reese was unable to save John Connor from the Terminator.
Hate to be THAT guy, but even if we could go back, we kinda cant change diddly shite :/ This is because of the butterfly effect and wibbily wobbely timey wimey :/
You're assuming someone would only change history to make the future better. Maybe some evil bastard went back to MAKE Trump win! O.O
And all the angry Bernie supporters who made of voted for Trump? Hillary not visiting important key States at all during her whole campaign? What was this woman thinking????
Stephen is on fire! Good to see him having fun again.
Time Travel & Big Foot 🐾
That's credentials for working in Washington DC. LMAO 😉
How dare you! A well-endowed, time traveling big foot saved my life on many occasions
colbert is the reason why I'm late to my meetings in thr morning.
Well that is a good excuse, lol!!
For me it's always the booze, to each his own.
AA ? Weight Watchers ? Both?
There is something called Tivo or Save offline on UA-cam or something else you can use
Not something to be proud off
Thank God for Stephen Colbert.
5:38 Did John Baptiste just played Guile's theme?
...well, I guess it really goes with everything! :P :P :P
Was waiting for a Hot Tube Time Machine joke. It was practically gift wrap.
"The Best People" LMAO
Faith and biblical views... So hes going to discriminate against people who have different beliefs what a mess
Hardly anything creeps me out more than the still ongoing intolernace towards other religions and atheism, it seems to be so widespread and it's one of the most hypocritical excuses of all time.
I hope the judge who hears his case has a biblical view of justice.
When he says "Christians" he means Republicans.
“Judges” was Old Testament wasn’t it?
Christians are simply hateful people. The only reason Republicans keep winning elections is because the majority of this country is Christian, and over 84 percent of Christians continue to support Trump to this day. As long as a candidate promises to oppress minorities, they will easily get the Christian vote.
How does a man like this get such a prestigious position? Do they not do background checks before allowing someone to work in somewhere so important?
@@SuperXrunner You're allowed to swear on the internet.
The only criterion in the Trump regime is utter devoted loyalty to Dear Leader. Trump will throw anyone under the bus, as proven with Sessions, his very first devoted fan. It's getting increasingly crowded under there, and will get more so over the coming weeks. As for Don Jr and Eric, they have the privilege of riding on the bus bumpers, and acting as human shields for Trump.
Not sure if your taking about Whitaker or Trump or as I'm calling the new power couple Whitrump but either way apparently not.
How does s man like this get such a prestigious position? The same way Cheetolini did. Pandering to the brainwashed right wing citizens who've been listening to hate right radio and faux news for years on end.
Most Trumpanzees are Flat Earthers so bigfoot and time travel isn't really much of a stretch for them. Oh, and the only background check necessary for Trump is an answer of "Yes!" to the question, "Do you believe that the Mueller investigation is a Witch Hunt?"
People predisposed to believe in fairytales are easier to control.
Alternatively for that toilet, a cheaper solution would be _the all new adjustable potty booster seat custom sized to keep you from dipping the dangle of your dingle._ *Pre-orders now available for **_only $19.95._* ordersmustbepostmarkedbymidnighttonightpleaseincludthelengthofyourlimpyallpurchasesfinalnotresponsibleforlostorstolendeliveries
5:38 Love when Batiste busts out the video game music!
Matt Whittakers head looks an awful lot like a Minion out of Despicable Me. :)
Put a wig on him and he looks like the Orange bastard child.
NeonsStyle - 😂😂😂😂
How to save picture as gpj in coreldraw
@First Name Last Name LOL Love original thinking.
no they were cute and were basically kind. he may be a true minion of Drumpf but he is definitely an evangelical fundamentalist and then if you combine him with Pence boy do you have the makings of a fundamentalist christian theocracy
Wow! This is madness
“How can you joke about the trump administration” they said... “It’s all so depressing” they said...
We laugh to keep from crying.
@@ifartmagic “I've looked at the world for quite a few years now and I've found that if I don't laugh, I'll probably end up crying."
- Prince Kheldar of Drasnia : )
Nathan Frantz who says this?
@@lentrozenol1037 many people say this.....
Well of course we can laught at it, it doesnt mean that its no drepressing
Screw science, math and the Federal Trade Comission, what does Space Force think?
They think that if they don't get all the funding for education, social security, and medicare, the Chinese will take over space before the Russians can?
LMAO !!
It thinks its wifes' name is Melanie, sometimes.
Forget Space Force.
Rumor is that Trump has reached out to *Space Ghost* as a Sarah Sanders replacement.
Well since Space Force is a dozen Bigfoot's time traveling on extra masculine toilets, think we should ask them!
Holy shit. Music at 5:38 is Guile's theme from Street Fighter. John even says so afterwards.
God bless
Once again, Guile's theme goes with everything... :P
@@jakarnilson Hell yes.
I'm glad someone else noticed lol
Guile's theme goes with all Streets
Butter Bean Whitaker.
Ted cox Zactly! 'cept less articulate.
Classic inventor mistake of inventing something that negates the need for another of your products, because i have to imagine the shrinkage from the snow balls will make the toilet obsolete.
Make America great again Impeach Donald J Trump and Mike Pence
Despite what Pence has done, I don't think there is any grounds to impeach him.
And after Paul Ryan it’ll be Mitch McConnell, they got their all stars lined up lol smh
Guile's theme?
Legend of Zelda?
On my Colbert? Awesome.
The toilet-wormhole madre my day
Isn’t that just a European toilet?!
Thanks for the compliment.
Bigfoot traveling through time on a toilet time machine. Quick, someone grab the director of hot tub time machine and stop him before he gets any ideas
😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆!
bigfoot for 2020
@Susan Nilsen, don't say that...I didn't think we could do worse than W.
Viet Nguyen The 2020 campaign has it’s new slogan: Big Foot supports Little Hands.
Great! Laugh so much. Had to watch 3 times just to get all the nuances! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
America, you never cease to amaze me.
You almost know for sure the minute someone turns to the Bible for inspiration in a judicial appointment you got problems
David Thurling
He wants judges who forgives everybody and washes the feet of murders?
Oh, he didn’t mean that part of Christianity?
Amen David! 😂
But the Buybull has such wisdom!
Exod 22:18 ~"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."
Harry Potter better watch his ass!
@Silvia Gonzalez yup.
@Silvia Gonzalez 1.2 billion out of 7.2 billion. Pretty sure you guys are in the minority!
And remember, Whitaker personally wrote a letter to an investor, trying to intimidate him out of going to the Better Business Bureau.
Trump likes that kind of "aggressive posture".
We're all living in a Monty Python movie.
Be sure to void your bladder before you watch this; You'll DIE FROM LAUGHING! This is the funniest thing I've watched in a long time!
Matt Whitaker looks like a discount Kingpin. Except Kingpin has some degree of integrity.
5:37 "and street fighter 2, all the streets"
as a *well endowed man* i am offended by this video...
*i am not just a target group for toilet salesman* , i am also a *sasquash* 😆
John’s face as he says ‘wow’ is great. 😂
I hope Colbert’s team uploads all those pics/memes under Creative Commons license. Genius stuff those
He looks less like an attorney general, and more like a two-bit thug in a movie. The one that the police will find hanging upside down from a building after the hero gets through with him
Crusaderf B He IS a two-bit thug. He threatened people his company had defrauded to try and keep them quiet. Thankfully that didn't work.
12 inches of height is great and all, but what about girth? One wouldn't want to touch the rim of the toilet while sitting down, or make contact with the bowl! Some of us need 12 inches of horizontal clearance!
This guy is a genius.
This is such a beautiful piece of investigative journalism! Jon Stewart, some of us still hear your voice behind these jokes. We know it's you because they still make us laugh the loudest. You have a gift, my friend! By the way, dead giveaway - the use of one of your favorite words ever.... "douchebag". You always made life just a little bit better with your work, we miss you and love you lots Jon!!!!!!
LOL@7:14 "Lure Sasquatch out of the woods with the promise of a toilet that can finally accommodate his Mighty Sequoya"
Lol @ 5:40 "And Street Fighter 2, all the streets!" 😂
Just goldplate that toilet and I think you have a customer...
This was one of the best segments with Colbert in recent times. Not that Whitaker didn't give him first class material to work with.....
"I have a time Machine, but it only goes forward at normal speed" (Demitri Martin)
I like that they played street fighter 2, Ken scene
This is unreal.
Yeah, it just gets madder and madder by the day. Now, first thing I do every morning is look up this show on UA-cam and find out what's new, hysterically funny, scarcely believable & downright scary. It blows my mind to think that 'this' is really happening...
Can't be true
Holy Shit!