I honestly am just so exhausted with life itself and all the realizations that I’ve been surrounded by toxic and narcissistic people my whole life. I am not perfect!! I can totally self reflect and a lot of times I get so disappointed in myself. I just want to be surrounded by like minded individuals. It’s just so hard to find these people . I know I have to pick myself up and just keep going and believe in myself but I’m just so tired. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Carter!!!
Leapseal… I’m exhausted!!! I’ve lost my daughter and grandchildren (who have been taught narcissistic behavior by both mom and dad). I have cried so much … I don’t think I have any tears left. So sorry… I get it! Stay strong!
@@dm3144 I’m so sorry for what you have experienced! It’s very challenging. My thought process is that I only have control over myself. I have to keep moving forward and do the best I can. I can limit the toxic people in my life by setting boundaries. I’m still working on it and it’s a daily process! One day at a time! Prayers that things will get better for you!🙏
They see Love as a weakness....and the N's have replaced love, with their Love to Control. Now Love to Control becomes a strong habit to them, and they see no reasons to introspect and change.
My Dad did it differently! He did it with being A martyr and feeding off of us every full moon! It was passed onto my children through me marrying my father in another 🤮 👨 He would beat my mom and always interrogated her! Sometimes she failed the test and it triggered the Devil himself, which horrifically tore through my Mom hammering her with his raging fists!
It's a very fearful mentality at its core, like any other negative feeling people ever experience. A narcissist has to want to address that to change anything, unfortunately. Buried as deep as it can go in most of the toxic people I've ever been stuck with at various points in life, it isn't very likely to change on their part. That's why you have to do something different to deal with (or distance from) them.
I grew up in a family with three narcissistic women. They were not loving. They were abusive. One is still alive and she seems to have made no progress in emotional maturity. She acts the way she did as a teenager and she is in her 70’s.
My narcissist brother was in a rage over who knows what, but rather than defending myself, I let him finish. He was waiting for me to get in the mud with him, but I just looked at him calmly and said, “ Do you feel better.?” For once, he was totally speechless! It was one of the most rewarding times of my life.
i agree, they are sooo good acting like nothing happened. arent they realise that? how can they live slumberly although in reality they have hurt people? they should be struggling to apologize and do corrective actions. but they are so relax!
35 years with a narcissist... and the hardest thing fighting at night .. go-to sleep.. wake up in morning... and him acting like nothing happened... I thought for years it was me.. that I was the problem.. and hearing for the first time today that is not me...
You cannot get them to accept responsibility for their actions that have caused grief or disappointment . Just will not accept under any circumstances. They have this incredible ability to sidestep then come back with accusations( usually didn't happen, seem to be deluded and made up)
Yeah - like ..... . Stealing your post. . Opening your post. . Out ...somewhere other...than stated. . Stealing from your bank account. . Stealing your passwords. . Staying at a hotel...' with work '. . Etc..etc ...... e t c .......
It took 60 years to figure out that my daughter had a NPD. I’m 81 now and through your utube videos I learned all about narcissistic behaviors in people. For years everything was my fault or someone else’s fault. Everyone was in the wrong but she was always the victim. It was a few years ago that I stumbled onto your videos and if I could I would give you a big ole hug 🤗. You saved me from so much guilt and feeling badly about myself. The first video I listened to was on the 20 some identifying traits in a narcissist person and she had all of them! I felt an immediate freedom in my soul and spirit! She has had 5 husbands and other male relationships. She has had beefs with her 4 siblings, nieces and nephews and her two sons. Her youngest son passed away from an accidental overdose at 26 years old. I could right a book on what she has put me through, but, not anymore! I’ve let go with love. I ignore her temper tantrums and take nothing she says or does personal. I refuse to get into any arguments or shakedowns. I’m fine and I know she isn’t. I feel sorry for her but have no clue how to help her. Thank you Doctor Carter for your help. Sincerely, Sharon Walsh
I pray for my daughter and son. There seems to be nothing I can do for either yet they are very different in their approach. I told my d that she wants to cut me up in a million pieces and rearrange me to suit her. I have left crying and depressed for the last time I think. Between her and her dad they made a strong warrior of me. My son just stays kind to me but has negative comments pop out to where I know what's going on---too much info from his dad. Sounds like I'm the problem yet I seem to be the only one who is flexible enough to accept them as they are when they are intolerant to me. The Desederata is something I wish all could read in school since they can't tolerate the teachings of the Bible. We certainly get stronger in the wake of others fragility towards us when we strive to be our best towards all. Wise as a fox yet gentle as a dove...........never a doormat.
Brilliant! "You're not worth my attention." Explains it so perfectly. And I like the point that there's no such thing as no communication. That when somebody shuts you out they are definitely communicating.
My wife once said this to me when she abruptly stopped in the middle of sex and was walking out of the room to go "see what was going on outside." Talk about your crushing heartbreak. This was years ago and I'm still teary and scared during sex. She messed me up for life in that 15 second bought of cruelty
He upset me so much a few weeks back I ended up crying. He sat next to me in the car, didn't say anything, didn't do anything. I told him he was like a block of ice. So cold. Thankfully, I am now over 5 weeks No Contact!! 🙏👍. Thanks Dr.C, your videos kept me going when I was still with him and encouraged me to get out! You really are an absolute diamond 💎🙏❤️.
Dr. Carter you are one of the most humble, kind, knowledgeable people I have ever listened to. I appreciate you so much and all the information you have imparted to me regarding narcissism. You always say such profound things that become “aha” moments for me. Thank you so much for all you do keeping us on Team Healthy!!!! You have helped me understand that I am valuable and have worth. I am not a young person so it is true……you can teach an old dog new tricks!
When you mentioned simplistic thinking by the level one cold hearted Narc. That really hit home. My husband the Narcissist always talks about others (me included) as being simple people. Now I realize he is projecting his own black and white, juvenile, and simplistic thinking on me. I always thought of this as being condescending towards us the peasants while he thinks he is so much smarter. Also I just want to say how much you have taught me and your friendly, helpful voice is what I go to when feeling frustrated. Thank you!!
They are incredibly arrogant and think everyone is stupid and below them.. the sad thing is in reality they do not get it... as Dr. Carter said... they are the incredibly stupid ones... arrogance and stupidity go hand in hand,
The compulsion to Dominate is a trait that narcissists seem to all possess in spades. They take it to such extremes that empathy simply cannot co-exist. EVERYTHING is perceived a threat to their position at the top and/or competition for the top spot (in their own minds). It’s impossibly exhausting to be around these zero sum gamers. It’s all a big game. Love and empathy (except one sided unreciprocated adoration) is for weaklings and losers in their worlds.
To the person who's question was " Why don't I believe in myself?". I couldn't work for years because I didn't have an ounce of self esteem or self love. My first attempt at work was a cashier at a gas station. I doubted my self so much 😪 I didn't even think I could make a pot of coffee. My hands would shake and I was afraid a customer or my boss was looking at me and judging me with criticism and hate in their thoughts. So to YOU I say it takes time and effort on your part to claim what someone took from YOU! STAY WITH TEAM HEALTHY! Oh and now I can make coffee for the President on live TV if I have to!!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks Dr.C. Today's video was nutrition for the mind! You made my day. I have 2 things that help me most. Your videos and my Bible studies.
Bless you! I was so shaken when I left that washing the car was kind of a big deal! They make you feel like they're the only ones that can do things right.
@@PyrPupMom I completely understand. ❤️ They especially want to criticize and minimize the things that you do well. When they do this in front of people it is even more hurtful. If you're not getting praise and love from your partner, it's not the right partner for you! There is an old proverb that says " The man is the head of the household and the woman is the neck." Now if you think a little on that it's kinda 😎 cool, I think. To me that means a woman can guide her man with her loving touch and tender kindness ❤️ . Keep coming back here to Team Healthy! Sent with love and prayers 🙏 Kelly Sims
I have been extremely naive in my life because I used to think everyone had a heart like me and cared, or at least a little bit. I have learned the hard way through a sea of tears that it just is not like that. They do NOT care about others... they do however care very much about how they appear to others... Interestingly, on my drive home I just happened to drive by my pompous ass narcissist brother and we were slowing at a red light... (I have not spoken to in a few years. ) There he was in all his glory in his rental fancy car he pays 650$ a month to rent ... his appearance is so very important to him. Our eyes met briefly and we both recognized each other... I looked away and did not even nod. I then drove away thinking.. yeah.. it is all about the exterior impression management because on the inside he is an empty cold heart. I could say more.. their loss, not ours! I finally walked away and realized today what a wise thing that was... there is nothing you can do with a cold hard heart. Narcissists actually disgust me immensely now that I see who they really are. Empty shells, some shiny on the outside and even flashy... with the best toys and all the pomp... but seriously... now judgement is shaking all of us in this world and all that pomp will be dust one day.. we have our hearts,,, they will have their dust in the end. Like psalm 1 says... like chaff they will be blown away... this is sad for them... but I am done crying for someone who never cared for me. Thanks for your videos!
The worst kind to look out for is someone who attacks, and character assassinates from behind the scenes, without revealing their opposition or disgruntlement in a face to face confrontation. As you say. Stay strong. . .🙂
all the narcissists in my life have done that... they do not get their hands dirty while they methodically and relentlessy destroy your character through all their slander and evil... I believe in God.. read Psalm 37... my favourite verse is ... God sees them and laughs at them because He knows their day is coming.... it is!
@@lovearttherapyalways That is a good one. We remain steadfast knowing that our silence is irritating her to no end, and one day she'll have to face final judgement before the Lord. Until then we pray for our son's and grandson's safety. I'm shocked she has gone as far as she has. Like a movie where you can't believe anyone could actually be like that. So I'm fearful that she has no limits to what she'll do just to hurt us.
@@sandyinsc5024 Stay strong and close to the Lord... yes, I feel your pain I truly understand how you feel as I have a few narcissists around that make me wonder just how out of control they can get.. they are scary and evil individuals. We need to protect ourselves. God bless you!
In my life-long experiences with narcissists, grandiose narcissism is so much easier to deal with than the covert vulnerable narcissist because the overt can't really hide their self-absorption.
@@coach_amy yes.....I just found out when I found this page . I cannot wrap my brain around this depth of betrayal and living 2 completely seperate existences
Thank you for saying this about there's no such thing as "no communication." I had a friend for 20 years and sometimes I would reach out and he would ALWAYS say he was busy. During the pandemic, I BEGGED to have someone to talk to, I begged him to just chat with me. Radio silence. Lo and behold, he calls me because we have a festival here which he always comes to. After 20 years, and the pandemic, I dropped this guy completely. Because you're right, there's no such thing as "no communication." Now it's done. Thank God.
Good on you seeing him for what he is. I’m still kind of traumatized by the number of people in my family and nearby friends who completely ignored me during 2 years of almost total isolation. I’d reach out to remind them I lived alone and I’d really enjoy occasional phone check ins and I got either radio silence. Or a long recitation of all of the activities and family connections they were engaged in. Man that hurt. I was confused for awhile but reality is they just don’t “need” to connect with me. So they don’t. It’s seen as a burden I’d even asked for a connection. Suppose I hadn’t ever really asked for anything from them before so that’s on me, but wow I had no idea they didn’t care so much! I know now.
Laura, we know you're here and we care you. We know what a family culture of narcissism is. It's only ever about. They only care about what other people do for them.
@@llkellenba I'm sorry. You sent me bawling as I read this. I reached out to people, too. Nothing. I literally took a picture of the blue painted wall I stared at thru the ENTIRE pandemic. While the rest of my family supported each other and prayed together and prayed that I would "come back to God," so that God would finally help me. Soooo.... yeah. Not many comments make me cry, but yours got me! 🙏
Narcissism has been clinically known since 1920, and yet it has been swept under the carpet till now, but there isn't enough training or help,I recommend going online to people like you as those who are lost to narcs can hear what they are dealing with. Thank God for you DR Carter and those like you.
Society at large is narcissistic in the way it uses fear , half truths , gaslighting , divide and conquer, colonialism , racism, slavery etc for corporations to make profits - hence no info on it in the main.
@@carolinekamya2339 So truthful but there are good caring people that fight for change to do better even in this dark acid polluted world, so we have to decide which way we want to go.
Narcissism has been known about since Victorian times. There is a very famous mental institution in England called Broadmoor Hospital, its a prison, the first inmates when it was built were the narcissists, that was circa 1850
Cried at the question, "why don't I believe in myself?" Thank you for understanding these situations so deeply, Dr. C. Your videos / community bring me such comfort.
It hurts so much to know that our closest family members did nothing to improve our confidence or our self-worth. Many gleefully went on with their lives feeling superior. Your explanation gives me the most comforting feeling. I’ve had many hours of self reflection and deeper thinking. And thanks to you Dr. C, I have to say that I hold my head higher now.
"Narcissists think you as a function." This is so true. When my parent's terminal illness suddenly became worse my sibling didn't inform me about it until there was no time left for me to travel there and say goodbye. It was heartbreaking. When the same scenario happened with the other parent, I was told it was my turn to be there - alone. They had done their duty of saying bye to dying parents. I don't know if it ever crossed their mind that some people want to simply be there , regardless of distances, and say goodbye for the last time. But it was all divide and rule for them.
Years ago, my ex gave me a card for Valentine's Day that had the words "My heart may be black" printed on the cover (complete with the image of a black heart) and "but it's all yours" printed on the inside. I burst into tears when I read it. I can't imagine why any card company would have produced such a card.
I'm so happy to have discovered your videos Dr. Carter. My Mother is 102 yrs. old I'm 60yrs. old & have been dealing with her one on one for 5 decades. I'm her caregiver & with each day she gets meaner & hateful. I've decided not to go to her house at all & when I do leave feeling gutted. I've isolated myself all of last year, been diagnosed with depression. I'm at my wits end. She has fabricated lies & told them to anyone who will listen......I can't help but feel I'll be finally free when she passes & I feel guilty for thinking this way.
Oh yes, my spouse of 30 years also threatened me often that if I do not live up to his 'expectations', he WILL leave me for another woman. Btw...he did now, and after years of his infidelity, threats and domination, this is a blessing...
Yes, My ex was cold- hearted. Like ice. Eg: I was in excruciating pain from what turned out to be splenic aneurysm. He took us on a bumpy back road and hit every pot hole there was. He did not love me.
My narcissistic mother likes to think she has empathy, she comes across in such a condescending manner though you can tell it's not well meant and definitely not warm hearted. No contact at all is the best way to deal with these people. Get the toxicity out of your life and work to heal.
Your information is always helpful and supportive. Thank you! After years of healing from all this I learned I absolutely take the focus off narcisstic people (and problem behavior people in general) and put my time and energy into being the full, whole and healthy person I was meant to be. The ability to regulate is key to this. All aspects of mind, body, and spirit are involved. Learning to breath in a way the re-regulates when triggered has been HUGE.
Yes. It all depends on our focus. Confidence, feeling loved and worthy make a difference. It is a choice. Many times in my life I have survived on “ Fake it until you Make it.” We have to make conscious decisions for OUR GOOD to thrive and realize our worth. We do NOT determine our worth from the narcissist. We are better and more loving than that. Blessings 😘🙏🏼❤️
It feels amazing when you finally let go of the hate and you see that it was them not YOU! And in so many ways I feel sad for my abusers. Im still working on letting go! Believe me. But it gets easier everyday! Especially when I'm working on it!
@@christinalw19 It 'all' depends on _______. Fill in the blank. The narcissist's thought program. Christina says it 'ALL' depends but you know it doesn't 'ALL' depend, that's a narcissistic way of talking, black or white, no grey, all black or all white. Many times in ... MY ... life, not our lives, it's only her life, everybody else is just nothing to her. 'We are better and more loving' says the narcissist - I mean, how do they know they're better? They decided they were better, nobody told them that, they decided they were better and more _______. Fill in the spaces.
Yes, when the narcissist is your mother who everyone told you was so sweet, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that she didn't really love you because they are incapable of real love. I'm getting used to the idea now though.
Dr Carter, I really appreciate your insights. Now I see why when I asked him to self reflect, he took it as a personal attack,went into rage mode and said that I was egging him on. I wasn't though. Thanks for your reminders about dignity,civility and respect. I really want that to always be forefront, because of the fact that the narc will go into revenge mode at the slightest hint of frustration from us . So important. Thank you. I wish you were my father lol. I could've lived my life so differently. God bless you and everyone here.
Great simple answers to embarrassing questions of why you don't see much of your narcissistic relative: "We've had to part ways" "We don't think alike" "I've decided that this is something that I do not need to entertain on an ongoing basis".
I want to thank you. You are one of the people who gave me the education I needed so that I could act to save my life. It’s been a year. It scares me to death how bad off I was, how thoroughly I allowed another human being to destroy me, how willing that human being was to sadistically destroy me. But I survive, in part because of your willingness to do these videos. Thank You.
Hello Dr. Carter. I am Jeanmarie Shea. I just left my tyrant after 25 years of a neverending nightmare. Today I was fortunate to have stumbled to your live cast. After reading from a list of what happens to a person that has trauma bonding pain I couldn't hit your subscribe button fast enough.( I fit every criteria) I continued to listen and learn from your talks to this past one. Then I felt a deep need to tell you this before I continue to watch all of your posted live casts. Thank you Dr. Thank you so very much.🥰👍
Thanks Dr C, I’m stunned by how intentionally my Narc can disregard my feelings or anything resembling humanity towards me. Just a total lizard , and worse is , it seems by choice. Possessed. It just stunned me so much to encounter this and hurt deeply that she won’t regard or acknowledge my feelings at all. Just a closed vault. So weird but it really hurt/ freaked me out and I didn’t recover from that, so it helps to hear this is a thing with them.
My narcissist is a neighbor. He's 20 years younger than me. Up till now he's been very stealth. We've lost quite a few of our family members so for the Saturday after St Patrick's Day I decided to get the family together what's left of it. To show you how wild our party was we left a parking space in front of my house just in case an ambulance had to come and take my brother who had a brain stimulator put in his head for Parkinson's or my cousin who has congestive heart failure needed to be taken out. I had the music on very lightly and up until now it's been since June 2019 this neighbor has been hammering away at me. His flying monkeys have been sitting there running up to the manager's office complaining about me on his behalf. My family never got a first-hand view of what the neighbors been doing to me. Until this gathering he decided to open the back hatch of his SUV which is 20 ft from my patio table. Very small yards manufactured Village. He started blasting pyrotechno music so loud that everything on my glass patio table was vibrating. Finally my family got to see what I've been dealing with. I'm upset that my brother had to leave because he had a brain stimulator putting his head 2 weeks before the get together and we were very concerned about him having a third aneurysm from it. My cousin on oxygen congestive heart failure gets very upset very quickly if it gets tense and of course it was getting tense we couldn't even hear ourselves talk. None of the flying monkeys that live around here would go over to him and say hey why don't you turn the music down there not bothering anybody. The bottom line is I feel vindicated because my whole family now has had a big taste of it and we're a military family and it had it took everything I had to keep it calm. My son went over and nicely said hey dude do you think we could just shut your back hatch. Narcissist wouldn't answer so Matthew just pushed the hatch close gently. Of course the big bad narcissist is closed the police on us he's been harassing us for almost an hour he actually left the car running and went in the house but he's the victim. I am so sick of narcissistic people using themselves as the victim. They never accept responsibility for starting trouble they never accept responsibility for being the difficult one. I'm very religious I have very religious friends one of them said why didn't you invite him over to the picnic. I said because since June 2019 he has been harassing me poisoning my grass same filthy things to me laying his dog pee on my lawn opening his windows blasting pornography I'm not inviting him over to meet my family. Society wants us to apologize to them narcissists they want us to include them in the hopes maybe it'll change them and nothing ever will. They are damaged goods.
Moe Banshee, you did well, keeping calm is important. They want any reaction they can get out of you and I'm glad you have support. Keep a daily log. Pictures. Don't engage with him. Go talk to your home owners association if you have one, get all the rules, go speak with chief of police and get his/her advice. Then take pictures and your daily log of events. Go to a lawyer with everything. He might be sent a letter explaining if he violates any of the things they may list, he might be fined. Money is the only way these people ever learn anything. Protect yourself and your home. 🤗🦊
Yes the most Painful realization of how can someone not see your humanity as a person and just see you as a prop or a tool and not as you, and willingly disconnect from you in any meaningful way that normal healthy people naturally would. It’s evil incarnate or the effects of wrong choices somewhere that inject humanity with this disconnection and anti- humanity.
This is so validating and encouraging. I have a question. When a narcissist, particularly in a family, constantly leaves you out of events and puts you out of the inner circle, is that a way to flex power and control or so they just don't want you around or both? This feeling of not measuring up and being excluded has been the most painful form of emotional abuse that I've experienced over the decades. I just don't understand how a mind can rationalize purposely ostracizing people you claim to love. It is cold hearted and cruel. I've recently learned that reacting to these episodes only feeds the narcissist.
With narcs, there always has to be someone to hate. Someone to turn everyone against so they can feel powerful and in control. They are not only masters at manipulation, but at dehumanising their targets, and then deluding themselves and others that you deserve their outlandish behaviour. You can’t fix them, you can’t hug it out of them, and they will never get better. They don’t perceive that anything is wrong with them. It will never be nice, just remember, it’s not you, it is them and nothing can ever fill that hungry void in a narc
This is very painful yes. It’s gonna happen to me too because I just stood up to my narcissistic parents. I’m banking on the pain being temporary 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾 in the meantime I’m trying to create my own support system. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
@@eyesaidit5195 😞 narcs don’t forgive, and the relationship never sustainably improves. Cruelty is such an easy go to emotion for them. I’ve stood up to mine and every time I’ve held them accountable for their behaviour, the relationship was permanently damaged and dimensions of healthy interaction disappeared. Occasional accountability has left my family completely no contact with the in laws, grey rock with my wife, my older kids have bought in to the conflict and judge me harshly, my youngest son keeps asking me to move away with him because he’s worried about the emotional content from control and abuse. Not confronting and not holding them accountable is destructive, confronting them and holding them accountable is destructive. You’re in a traumatic no win situation that just gets worse every time you show any self determination
They need a victim. A target. I was that to Mother Dearest, who was unbelievably cold and cruel whilst doting on my brother. I spent years trying to 'win' her attention and love. Complete waste of time. Caused all sorts of issues for me in my adult life. After finally learning about narcs, I am now able to disregard her antics. She continues to punish me though it no longer controls because I know this is what she is. It's been quite an education.
@@wayneelliott1180 Same here. It was an awakening. I'm not as bothered by it as I was but every now and then I struggle with that old pain and confusion. I'm glad now my brain can tell my heart that it's just not worth it.
Yup. I had a small wedding and reception in my college town, where none of our friends had met the warring narcissism that was our families. The lady in whose garden we had the reception swore there was a freezing aura around Mom that wilted her flowers. I said just imagine when she aims.
Thank you, Dr. C. I am dealing with a sibling after my Dad's passing. This is very helpful for me as the recipient of a troubling, bullying, condescending verbal tirade. Still need to deal with sibling as I am left to handle settlement. I will continue to listen to your videos. Boundaries without their approval is so helpful. Cold hearted, and the complete 180 at the next encounter is mind boggling. At least I know that is a trait, now. Thanks again.
I have been there. I think it will help not to engage to the extent you can let them roll off your back, keep conversation light, distract (gray rock), except to discuss basic details of the estate settlement. They may well keep on being difficult, but you can keep it to a dull roar, and maybe go minimal contact once it is settled. Wishing you well-it is painful and maybe disillusioning.
Our parents had 10 of us and at their passing we had many senseless squabbles and troubles. It's been a few years and I came to the conclusion that it was the result of hurt and anger at them leaving us that it became part of our grieving process and now we are back to most all of us getting along and even with stronger bonds. We get through but never over.
@Cyn Cin, My narc sibling never notified me of dads passing. I found out several years later. Whatever he had she took for herself. This i found unconscionable. She wants to maintain contact, we are both getting old. But i fear even seeing her again, ever. Its unbearable for me i am letting God handle this one. Good luck.
@@440SPN Don’t do it! Stand on your own. Don’t say to yourself that you are getting old and lonely hence “we” need each other! Don’t do it. I moved out of state for a job. My father invited the devil to “take care of him in his old age”. My sibling abused him for four years until he died. Evil. Don’t invite evil into your life. Stand my yourself!
Exactly Right....long term multiple exposures to Narcissistic people....makes us have NO faith in who we are....and we have forgotten who we are.....we end up lost and afraid.....which IS their intentions for us. What I learned about Belief in MySelf....God is Love, God created us in God's Image....We ARE LOVE. So...in this crazymaking world, BE LOVE. Do not expect anything back from others, do not desire, demand anything from others. JUST BE LOVE. When we Be love, now we attract back to us, other people that know to BE LOVE. That is how Love Fulfills itself. We Trust God...not those narcissist that are moving in the direction of evil.
My Gosh, it is exhausting….. I’m thinking, we should bring a bigger and broader awareness of who and what narcissists are. I know we can see them everywhere in our daily lives. It’s a cycle that just wears the rest of us down. It would be great to have a movement on this destructive behavior.
Thank you for clearing up that establishing boundaries and being assertive does not mean you're going to get a positive outcome with a toxic person. For a while i thought that being assertive just didn't work because regardless nothing would help the situation. Now i understand that it did work. They were going to continue their behavior regardless of what i did or said. At least i held my ground every time 🙏
I realize after finding your channel Dr. C. that I grew up in a house full of Narcissists. No wonder I had such low self esteen as a young person and grownup. I was told everyday how I would never be anything and how ugly I was because I looked like my Mom who died when I was 6 and they did not like her. She was really beautiful but they didn't like her. Although I made a straight A report card through 12 years of school, was a member of the National Honor Society all through school and won scholarships to college but was put out of the house because I quit my summer job to go to school. I went to work for the school system instead and lived with my Aunt who had 9 children but she loved us. There were four of us left and not wanted when my Mom died. We had a Dad and lived with his family. I had to sign my report cards myself because they were never looked at by anyone and I had to get them back to the school so I would sign them and take them back to school. I now understand why my life turned out as it did with this person. Thank you Dr. C. you are surely an real angel.
@@SurvivingNarcissism How I wish we had moved to Waco years ago when I called Chip and Joanna Gains when they first started their show. I would have been in your ofc. and well on my way by now. Thank you so much Dr. Carter.
Ahh I relate to the question that asked how the narcissist could act like a certain situation never occurred. Finally learning to be wary of this behavior!!
Yes, it’s called “gaslighting;” and “crazy making..” You attempt to talk to them about a particular abusive incident that hurt, and they completely dismiss it like it never occurred. Crazy!! Then they play the victim, and claim that “it’s all in your mind,” and blame YOU for their cruel & malicious abuse!
When I think back in raising my daughter… a lot of tells… I’m so confused cuz I raised my girls completely different than I was ( my mother was very crazy). I taught them to love, forgiveness and empathy. We had a great life! I thought !! She’s 40 now… and she’s married to a vindictive narcissist. And she has grown into a horrible human being. My question is how does this happen? How did she become so evil? I can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve blamed myself for decades! Free now … but it came with a HUGE price! Can’t see her or the children anymore. I’m 65 and I have ALOT of “good life and joy ahead of me. I’m just grieving at the moment. For 2 weeks I was on my “ pink cloud “… then I came apart when she totally blamed me! She’s gone so far as to get a cease and desist order against me! That’s how much denial she’s in. She’s making a fool of herself! This makes me sad …. I’m really sad at the moment. Thank you for your videos. I’m learning so much.
My adopted daughter (36 years old) cut me completely out of her life ( and my grandchildren’s life) 4 years ago. Apparently I should have done more, asked how high she’d like me to jump for her. Her father, my Ex is a covert narcissist whom I left after 35 years of marriage ( I attempted suicide twice, was on anti depressants most of the last 20 years with the Ex) and have been away from that toxicity for almost 12 years. My youngest son (38 years old) is either a narcissist or is being coached by his father and sister. I spoke with him March 23rd this year about his avoidance of me ( he’s come to my home 5-6 times to see me in almost 12 years, although he will text “How are you and Rob doing?” about every month or every other month. I reply and that’s the end of our communication till the next text.) I first asked him if he sees his dad, he said yes about every other month. I told him I thought it was unacceptable to be so evasive, he said: “It wasn’t intentional.” Oh, he said he’s work on that visiting. LOL BTW: he and his Christian wife travel past my home twice each Sunday they go to church, but I’m out of their way. The Mothers Day came. Yes I got a phone call at 6:15 pm ( when I confronted him in March we talked about free time per year that he could come visit, he had well over 200 hours but he’s SO busy and they go to bed about 8:30). So he calls me at 6:30 pm, I didn’t answer, it was mostly likely just a Happy Mothers Day and an excuse or they would stop over for 30 min to an hour. Seriously? Who the F treats a mom like that? He has attempted to call. number of times since and I don’t answer. Why? So he can make up some excuse? I’m done! I took his sister out of my will 4 years ago, this week he’s being removed as well. I don’t have a lot, but I refuse to reward them for treating me like crap. I love my children, always have always will, BUT… I ( lol, just got a text from him; just this moment, lol, not answering that too.) I’m DONE!
@@katen1228 Dearest Kate I think I did not breathe the whole time I was reading your comment. I have two daughters and the youngest one is the one I spoke about and the oldest one I went to a concert with her this weekend and she treated me like crap. I’m done as well… Oh but she’s questioning why I’m upset with her. If they don’t know, don’t get it, are evasive and condescending among other traits how can we have a relationship with them. We are not to be their slaves, we are not to be their verbal punching bags we’re not to be their emotional punching bags but again… “Who the H treats their mother like that”👍 you said right? I’m 65 and I have 20 good years left spent 45 years in toxicity. Lost my entire family, five siblings because my mom used them to abuse me, my 40 year old daughter, 41 year old daughter, two narcissistic husband, one of the husband is a grandiose Machiavellian narcissist, my entire seven grandchildren ignore me. At first I felt lonely however, with the help of Dr. less and team healthy and moving along. I am so very sorry you have to experience such insidious behavior. Stay strong Kate because we are all we have. PS I have arthritis real bad so I speak into the microphone and it kind of screws up my comment.🦋peace🦋
@@dm3144 , God Bless YOU and all the rest of us that are going thru this heartache. I try to keep my eye on scripture: “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord”. Not that we wish that on our own children, but…. Just so tired of it.
@@katen1228 Yes I can relate you know how to get a hold of me so feel free to text me anytime. I find This outlet I guess they call it a keyboard warrior? Lol I don’t know I’m too old to know anything like that except I feel like there are other people that I’ve gone through the same thing and I never ever ever knew it.
@@dm3144 , LOL, I’m old too. I’ll be 69 in a few weeks. Not sure how old you are but, any age is too old to go thru this with people that we love, continue to love and pray for.
My parents used to tell me as a small child, how parents aren't required to love or even like their children. I was sad and scared. I am so messed up from them and my older sister. Maybe its admitting my vulnerability and just being able to exist with the pain being unlovable that has kept me from destructive behaviors to myself and others. In fact, in the lives of the wild birds, I know I am a bright shining light for them. I really care.
Aloha🌺 I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible lie from those designed to love and protect you. I greatly admire your honesty and strength to both endure such pain and break the cycle, few accomplish such a feat. I am certain you are a shining light and always protect your capacity to care, it is eternal gold.🕊
Don't know how in the world I missed this one! Found it today and what a gem. I was struggling this morning and feeling blessed now. I am all about love!!! Thank you for helping me Kick that doubt to the curb!
I used to work with them occasionally in psychiatric units.Ofcourse psychiatrists took them into the units,as patients,for clinical interventions.This is what I learned from the Doctors that I worked for.Narcissists are extremely dangerous people in various settings.That was before so much technology. I am educated.Thank you so much for your work. Today, I would say, I would just as soon not be around someone like this at all.Understanding is one thing. Relational contact is another.There are plenty of people who are capable of working on themselves,who enjoy the desire to love and attach. I love your lectures.Even though I have moved on,This is always a good place for me to spend time,getting to know myself and others.
Hi Dr. Carter, Two things: Being victimized doesn't make a victim.A huge difference between finding a narcissist, and being found by one. I'm going to devote a chapter in the book that I'm working on to how high level narcissists acquire your records,before they acquire the next transaction.There's a difference between a poor narcissist and a rich well traveled well occupied one. A similarity is laziness; a difference is power. Dracula.
@@cecilepovich3861 Wow, a book worth adding to Dr. Carter's collection. I love reading these books now on weekends when I force myself to do nothing, cold ice tea, comfortable chair and a good book. It's knowledge that I can put on my brain shelf so when I need it, if I can remember it, I can maybe have the strength and wisdom to repeat what I have read if who I say it to care's. Sometimes Foxie Dog is the only one who listens,that's okay, she's very smart you know 🤗🤗🐕😁🦊
I recently discovered that a close friend, but a newer friend is a narcissist. These videos are very helpful. Things are starting to add u. But what shocks me still is that they can sound so sincere and honest. Every time I engage, I let my defenses down and try to believe them. But then, when we are apart. My brain starts to recover.
My Ex Narc did that, he placed ads on CL for women. He replaced me after 35 years marriage. Lies, Cheating, Financial Betrayals, Secret Lives, Friends with Benefits, etc. Hard to Imagine and Shocking.
Yes, the narcissist in my life would often tell me I needed to take a hard look at myself - he was always right & let me know it! I’ve allowed my life to be manipulated by this person! 🤷♀️
I thank god for you! U will be an angel in heaven. I’ve learned so much from u! I’m 72 and never looked up narcissist before. But I knew a man that is thank god out of life. He has ALL THE NARCISSIST WAYS,
Yes there are signs, if it's to good to be true it is, run! Actually don't turn your back and run. You may want to walk out backwards with your eyes on them.
God flipping bless you. Their are not many men like you in my world to be a by far amazing example of what a true man is and I'm just so thankful I have this exposure to one through these videos. I'm on my healing journey and these videos are helping me to be able to try to make sense and understand what has happened to me.. what my life has been .. I try to find the good and make good... But I haven't had a good life. . But through videos such as these I am able to keep my head above the water most days . And I grow and I take on the light . I know I'm not alone and here are people who understand and genuinely care! And deeply love. What would I do without you all. We are not alone and we can and will overcome all the stepping stones together. The obstacles becoming stepping stones as we push on hand in hand. We know that in the end we are all children just trying to walk each other home the best we can with what we know today. And that is something to be in awe of. Much love , much gratefulness. Seriously we are blessed. Thank you - and to our world is shed all the light and to the darkness we come to understand so that we may continue on unblinded and binded. I rejoice now in this. And hold onto this in my desperate time of need. ! Again thank you and again much love. ❤️
Your videos have assisted profoundly with my healing from the significant damage done by a narcissistic sister and only sibling. Thank you with all my heart 💝😔
I never could understand why my narc. was always happy and smiling after one of his rages. I'm ready to leave him and he is happy of his conquest. How sick is that?!?
My husband passed away almost a year ago....I've come to realize I'm left with horrible hurtful memories of how he treated me over the years....and I'm so broken I don't know how to live.
Live with a tender heart. It's sad for him he never wanted more from your relationship. It's a grace that God has given you more time to live and love!
Sounds like your authentic self is in suppression. Be gentle towards yourself and know you can in time find out who you are. Self affirmation is helpful.
Thank you for your responses. Yesterday was the 1 year mark of his passing...I sometimes don't understand how I can recognize the games(narcissistic)he played, and yet miss his companionship.,..
Thank you for these videos. So helpful. Last week I tried contacting my father-in-law to give him one last chance to sit down and talk with me and my husband about the relationship. My mother-in-law (texted) us and said he just needs more time and isn’t ready yet. He hasn’t seen me in 8 months. So he made the decision! We are doing no contact now. Dr. C, would you be able to do a video about dealing with narcissists in a family? In our situation, my husband wants our children to have a relationship with his parents, but I don’t see how that can work when my father-in-law dislikes me so much. We spent a weekend away with my husband’s family and my father-in-law ignored me the whole time. I believe him to be a covert narcissist which makes it even trickier in my opinion. Lots of sly, passive-aggressive behaviour towards me and my husband, but is all lovey-dovey with my kids. Thanks for all your help. I’m so glad I came across your videos. I’m all for team healthy!
They are very cold hearted. I will never forget when I was suffering from a back injury and unable to get out of bed. He got up, got ready for work and left. He never asked how I was so there I was not able to even go to the bathroom all day. When he came home from work I was unble to move at all except to turn my head from side to side and that took effort. He finally called someone to come over to help me, not the doctor, and I was finally able to move and I made sure I was never in that position again.
@@monicahocking1507 57yrs parents then husband.Realise it's probably down to being to trusting and not realising that people who are suppose to love you don't.Their loss.
35 years for me to wake the F up. But I got there. Been out of that A**holes grip for almost 12. But he’s turned my two youngest against me or they have either become narcissist ( youngest which is my only daughter) or are controlled/compelled by their father. I’m so tired of it all. I have one son (oldest) left that is kind to me. God Bless you ALL, especially Dr. C.
Thank you as ever, Dr. C. Just listening to you is so reassuring. My emotionally-immature narcissistic siblings have ‘all’ the characteristics that you describe. Our job as you remind us is have a good self of self and effective boundaries, and no longer make excuses for their totally unacceptable behavior. I have made too many allowances over the years, at a cost to me. Interactions with them are empty and take inordinate effort. I have emotionally disconnected myself. No more walking on egg shells for me and feeling (knowing) there is no reciprocity (and will never be any). Sure wished I had these insights years ago. Better late than never. Professor-Elizabeth
Thank you 💕 Dr C for this free counseling. Your videos have been very helpful in assessing my relationship with narcissistic friends and family and my own tendencies toward that dysfunctional way of relating. Certainly, there's a spectrum. At 70 I'm better at setting boundaries (thanks to doctors Cloud and Townsend) regardless of concurrence than I was 40 years ago. God bless you 😇 for the loving care you are giving to us strangers. A sister in Christ from 🇨🇦. 💖🙏🕊
Thank you for a long and detailed episode packed full of wisdom. And the Flying Monkey "yes" "yes" made me chuckle. 😄Thank you for a warmhearted episode. A peaceful life is to live with a normal person with a functioning empathy, resulting in the ability to observe and prefer the Golden Rule. This is also where Love can blossom, as both grow to prefer to give more than take, in an upwards spiral. The confusion of victims stems mostly from dealing with a disordered person who lies and gaslights in order to make the normal party the "crazy one". No, you're crazy! No you are! This craziness needs to stop, both need to stay far away from each another. Prayers and hugs for Team Healthy in these difficult times.
¡Gracias, Dr Carter! You’re the best coach for Team Healthy. Thank you for lighting the way to sanity and harmony. You’re the best at cheering on and staying strong towards self-respect. 🌟 Love and blessings.
WOW that self assessment question was great! I posed an opinion to Mr Narcissist, that being, he seemed incapable of shifting perspective after debate or open discussion and he went freaking nuts, it was an extraordinary reaction with yelling, swearing and stomping about, at which point I simply removed myself from his presence… just incredible
And not only do narcissists have cold hearts, they are also deaf and blind! At my workplace, another new hire just quit because of the dismissive and disrespectful way the narcissist spoke to him and for telling him that he was going to move him out of the job he just finished training in and over to a different position. It takes several months to gain experience and to train for this job, so moving someone out of a job so quickly and into another position (which will also take several months to learn) is not only stressful for the person, there's really not much to be gained from doing it. This is the 2nd new hire since Jan 1, 2022 that quit because of the narcissist. And it's NOT easy to fill these positions in this company.
This was an especially good one! When you were talking about entitlement, it reminded me of when my narcissistic mother said something offensive to me recently and when it became clear that I didn't like what she said to me, she acted offended herself and said in a pitiable voice, "I ought to be able to say something like that to MY DAUGHTER." She believes being a mother entitles her to treat me however she feels like treating me. One time I told her I had been sick the week before, and she said "And you didn't call me???!!!" I said no, why? She raged, "BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER!" That's not even logical, to HAVE to call her just because I'm sick. I don't feel like talking on the phone when I'm that sick.
I always remind myself of the pain and loveless life the narcissist experienced as a child to arrive at this pathetic state of existence. That’s how I tolerate the him. I DO keep my distance. But once I realized his mode of thinking and living is what allowed him to survive, I don’t even hear the mean things he says. He’s like an injured animal. People perceive them as angry and fierce when actually they are deeply afraid.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the world of narcissism. Your information has helped with a past so called loving relationship and decades of family emotional beat down. This is just what I needed to move on and be the loving, kind, grateful and respectful person I am. I will continue listening to your insight.
How did my narc sister know how to operate like this as a child, and how did she, at such a young age, enlist my parents as flying monkeys against me? How do they (narcs) have this power? It's now still going on 53 years later.
I so understand your thoughts, Dear One. I am 70, and have the same wonderings. But by now, WE have created good lives and healthy families of our own. We must focus on that. Blessings & Hugs 😘🙏🏼❤️
I broke this morning. He looked sane, I looked desperate. He lives in 2D, I live in 3D. My third D is dying. The depression is returned. So alone - both of us. He informs me I am happy. If it were not for the Pekingese, there would be no reason to go on. Beautiful sunny day, but I feel safe hiding in this shaded room before the computer. Now even funny animal videos hardly distract. My mind feels like it is burning.
I told him he needs counseling. He said to me No I am going to be my own counselor because I'm doing a lot of research so I can learn about certain things. I know myself better than anyone else and am a fast learner... He also told me yesterday he's been counseling some people and encouraging them in life. He even text me telling me how to meditate and breathe to feel better. What the hell? 😱
Last night I was thanking God for my life. I started looking back in my mind how many great experiences I've had. Later, before I fell asleep, I realized not one image that came to me included the person I'm living with right now. That covers a lot of years too. I found that kinda funny.🙃
It's crazy hard to find a therapist with this level of knowledge in regards to narcissism, if not impossible. Believe me I have tried. Going to the wrong therapist with this issue is downright dangerous imo.
Thank you Dr. Carter for all the great information in your videos. I was fooled by my favorite narc. Now I understand why he was just able to be cold hearted and walk away from me and the kids 1000 times. He exposed me over and over til it hurt me. NOW he watches me thrive in life. He's so jealous of us, and we're all still after him and we've been terrible to him and treated him badly. I told him your reality is not my reality. He said. Oh I know its not. Lol
@@SurvivingNarcissism I have been the object of his narc triangle for a very long time, but that narc triangle is getting weaker and weaker, and he knows it. Im a very confident and independent woman, and he is watching my life. He gets to watch from the inside because our youngest child is 17 in my home. I even gave him a key. Lol
Hi Dr Carter, I love your videos. I have learned so much about narcissism by watching them. Thank you!! I think I may be married to one. Been with him for 8 years and always had a gut feeling something was off about him but I thought maybe it's just me. He says I "make up scenarios in my head" whenever I try to talk to him about things that bother me. He told me once when I said that I feel awkward having seperate tickets when we go to a restaurant. I asked if we can have a joint account just for food; groceries and eating out. He replied with "look I'm not responsible for your meal debt" and says all the time that he will not be a doormat" I told him how I felt like a roommate because we also split the groceries "for only things he will eat". He does not want to pay for any food that I buy extra for myself or my teenage daughter. He said I get "child support for her and he's not responsible for someone else's child financially". We both have about the same income. I don't feel he should be responsible for me financially but its just hurtful how he says it. I told him he's very selfish and he gets angry and calls me names like a b*$ch. And if I ask him why he called me that he says I deserved to be called names because I called him names first. And all I said was that he was selfish. I thought I was his 4th wife. But recently found out I'm his 5th wife. He lied about it and when I confronted him he still lied until I told him I knew her name and I spoke with her. He said he doesn't claim that marriage and its none of my business. And all 4 prior divorces were because "they treated him bad and he did what he was supposed to in a marriage and it wasn't his fault that they were bad women". If you could give me your thoughts on this I would be so grateful! Thanks Dr C!!
Wow...there are all sorts of red flags here, and the fact that he refuses to have any meaningful dialogue is a really bad sign. This has all the earmarks of narcissism. High control, low empathy, entitlement, easy lying, major gaslighting, the False Self, chronic defensiveness. You have some hard decisions in front of you b/c people like this not only tend not to change, but they get worse. Dr. C
The problem for me still is, I started ignoring, shutting down and all that, to protect myself. In turn, I get accused of being selfish or narcissistic. Sometimes I get afraid, I might turn into or be the narcissist.
I honestly am just so exhausted with life itself and all the realizations that I’ve been surrounded by toxic and narcissistic people my whole life. I am not perfect!! I can totally self reflect and a lot of times I get so disappointed in myself. I just want to be surrounded by like minded individuals. It’s just so hard to find these people . I know I have to pick myself up and just keep going and believe in myself but I’m just so tired. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Carter!!!
You're quite welcome.
Narcs are exhausting. They literally drain the life out of you.
@@brg2743 yes, they do!!😔
Leapseal… I’m exhausted!!! I’ve lost my daughter and grandchildren (who have been taught narcissistic behavior by both mom and dad). I have cried so much … I don’t think I have any tears left. So sorry… I get it!
Stay strong!
@@dm3144 I’m so sorry for what you have experienced! It’s very challenging. My thought process is that I only have control over myself. I have to keep moving forward and do the best I can. I can limit the toxic people in my life by setting boundaries. I’m still working on it and it’s a daily process! One day at a time! Prayers that things will get better for you!🙏
Narcissism....is anti-LOVE. Straight to the point, you said it perfectly
They see Love as a weakness....and the N's have replaced love, with their Love to Control. Now Love to Control becomes a strong habit to them, and they see no reasons to introspect and change.
My Dad did it differently! He did it with being A martyr and feeding off of us every full moon! It was passed onto my children through me marrying my father in another 🤮 👨 He would beat my mom and always interrogated her! Sometimes she failed the test and it triggered the Devil himself, which horrifically tore through my Mom hammering her with his raging fists!
It's a very fearful mentality at its core, like any other negative feeling people ever experience. A narcissist has to want to address that to change anything, unfortunately. Buried as deep as it can go in most of the toxic people I've ever been stuck with at various points in life, it isn't very likely to change on their part. That's why you have to do something different to deal with (or distance from) them.
Exactly. I had to repeat that one out loud and then said wow.
I grew up in a family with three narcissistic women. They were not loving. They were abusive. One is still alive and she seems to have made no progress in emotional maturity. She acts the way she did as a teenager and she is in her 70’s.
Landing here means that you already are, or, can become a survivor!
Exactly!
My narcissist brother was in a rage over who knows what, but rather than defending myself, I let him finish. He was waiting for me to get in the mud with him, but I just looked at him calmly and said, “ Do you feel better.?” For once, he was totally speechless! It was one of the most rewarding times of my life.
Bingo!
BE KIND THANK YOU FOR SHARING.
@@elli2387 Just keep listening to Dr.Carter!
Haha gonna try this
Love it! I'm going to try it 🙏❤️ thank you so much for sharing your experience. Wishing you a kind and gentle recovery and life ☀️
I’m so glad the issue was brought up about a narcissist doing the unthinkable & then acting like nothing happened. Thank you for addressing that!
Melanie , I know what you mean. Take Care ❣
i agree, they are sooo good acting like nothing happened. arent they realise that? how can they live slumberly although in reality they have hurt people? they should be struggling to apologize and do corrective actions. but they are so relax!
35 years with a narcissist... and the hardest thing fighting at night .. go-to sleep.. wake up in morning... and him acting like nothing happened... I thought for years it was me.. that I was the problem.. and hearing for the first time today that is not me...
You cannot get them to accept responsibility for their actions that have caused grief or disappointment . Just will not accept under any circumstances. They have this incredible ability to sidestep then come back with accusations( usually didn't happen, seem to be deluded and made up)
Yeah - like .....
. Stealing your post.
. Opening your post.
. Out ...somewhere other...than stated.
. Stealing from your bank account.
. Stealing your passwords.
. Staying at a hotel...' with work '.
. Etc..etc ...... e t c .......
Narcissists are increasing. They leave a path of destruction.
It took 60 years to figure out that my daughter had a NPD. I’m 81 now and through your utube videos I learned all about narcissistic behaviors in people. For years everything was my fault or someone else’s fault. Everyone was in the wrong but she was always the victim. It was a few years ago that I stumbled onto your videos and if I could I would give you a big ole hug 🤗. You saved me from so much guilt and feeling badly about myself. The first video I listened to was on the 20 some identifying traits in a narcissist person and she had all of them! I felt an immediate freedom in my soul and spirit! She has had 5 husbands and other male relationships. She has had beefs with her 4 siblings, nieces and nephews and her two sons. Her youngest son passed away from an accidental overdose at 26 years old. I could right a book on what she has put me through, but, not anymore! I’ve let go with love. I ignore her temper tantrums and take nothing she says or does personal. I refuse to get into any arguments or shakedowns. I’m fine and I know she isn’t. I feel sorry for her but have no clue how to help her. Thank you Doctor Carter for your help.
Sincerely,
Sharon Walsh
I pray for my daughter and son. There seems to be nothing I can do for either yet they are very different in their approach. I told my d that she wants to cut me up in a million pieces and rearrange me to suit her. I have left crying and depressed for the last time I think. Between her and her dad they made a strong warrior of me. My son just stays kind to me but has negative comments pop out to where I know what's going on---too much info from his dad. Sounds like I'm the problem yet I seem to be the only one who is flexible enough to accept them as they are when they are intolerant to me. The Desederata is something I wish all could read in school since they can't tolerate the teachings of the Bible. We certainly get stronger in the wake of others fragility towards us when we strive to be our best towards all. Wise as a fox yet gentle as a dove...........never a doormat.
some ADULT CHILDREN are really ,over the top! it is Not you( I believe in YOU).
God bless you....I too understand much nowand let go.
You cannot help her.
How to help her: Send her the link to Dr. Carter’s videos - Surviving Narcissism!
Brilliant! "You're not worth my attention." Explains it so perfectly. And I like the point that there's no such thing as no communication. That when somebody shuts you out they are definitely communicating.
My wife once said this to me when she abruptly stopped in the middle of sex and was walking out of the room to go "see what was going on outside." Talk about your crushing heartbreak. This was years ago and I'm still teary and scared during sex. She messed me up for life in that 15 second bought of cruelty
He upset me so much a few weeks back I ended up crying. He sat next to me in the car, didn't say anything, didn't do anything. I told him he was like a block of ice. So cold. Thankfully, I am now over 5 weeks No Contact!! 🙏👍. Thanks Dr.C, your videos kept me going when I was still with him and encouraged me to get out! You really are an absolute diamond 💎🙏❤️.
No contact is the most efficient way to deal. Hang in there Karen. They never change.
Wow, your message brought tears to my eyes. Hang in there, Karen. You can do this. You deserve better. :)
@@lovinilcesoir thank you so much 💖
HalleluYah! Keep running away!!!! You will learn how wise that is!... They are absolutely and completely HEARTLESS!
@@lovearttherapyalways They really are! So cold, cruel and callous. There's simply nothing in him ❄️😫😭☹️😡
I went narc free on St Patrick’s Day & now have gone from just surviving to thriving 🙏 Dr C is an 😇
Dr C is an 😇!
Excellent! I'm envious.
Like the word thriving.
Dr. Carter you are one of the most humble, kind, knowledgeable people I have ever listened to. I appreciate you so much and all the information you have imparted to me regarding narcissism. You always say such profound things that become “aha” moments for me. Thank you so much for all you do keeping us on Team Healthy!!!! You have helped me understand that I am valuable and have worth. I am not a young person so it is true……you can teach an old dog new tricks!
Thanks so much, Karen!
Me neither LOL
Thank you Dr. C , your wisdom has helped me greatly!
He's great 😊. He explains things in such a way that one can understand what he's saying ☺️.
When you mentioned simplistic thinking by the level one cold hearted Narc. That really hit home. My husband the Narcissist always talks about others (me included) as being simple people. Now I realize he is projecting his own black and white, juvenile, and simplistic thinking on me. I always thought of this as being condescending towards us the peasants while he thinks he is so much smarter. Also I just want to say how much you have taught me and your friendly, helpful voice is what I go to when feeling frustrated. Thank you!!
They are incredibly arrogant and think everyone is stupid and below them.. the sad thing is in reality they do not get it... as Dr. Carter said... they are the incredibly stupid ones... arrogance and stupidity go hand in hand,
I hope you have a full & smooth recovery. And I wish you “Freedom” from others’ unhealthy influence. ❤️🩹♥️💖
I can totally agree with you 💯
After 8 years together, the *hardest * part to come to terms with was that, somehow, I had overlooked his cold heart for so long.
The compulsion to Dominate is a trait that narcissists seem to all possess in spades. They take it to such extremes that empathy simply cannot co-exist. EVERYTHING is perceived a threat to their position at the top and/or competition for the top spot (in their own minds). It’s impossibly exhausting to be around these zero sum gamers. It’s all a big game. Love and empathy (except one sided unreciprocated adoration) is for weaklings and losers in their worlds.
If there worlds where so great they wouldn't require others to pretend they are all that.
Always trust your own judgment when dealing with a narc.
To the person who's question was " Why don't I believe in myself?". I couldn't work for years because I didn't have an ounce of self esteem or self love. My first attempt at work was a cashier at a gas station. I doubted my self so much 😪 I didn't even think I could make a pot of coffee. My hands would shake and I was afraid a customer or my boss was looking at me and judging me with criticism and hate in their thoughts. So to YOU I say it takes time and effort on your part to claim what someone took from YOU! STAY WITH TEAM HEALTHY! Oh and now I can make coffee for the President on live TV if I have to!!!
Go get 'em, Kelly!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thanks Dr.C. Today's video was nutrition for the mind! You made my day. I have 2 things that help me most. Your videos and my Bible studies.
Bless you! I was so shaken when I left that washing the car was kind of a big deal! They make you feel like they're the only ones that can do things right.
@@PyrPupMom I completely understand. ❤️ They especially want to criticize and minimize the things that you do well. When they do this in front of people it is even more hurtful. If you're not getting praise and love from your partner, it's not the right partner for you! There is an old proverb that says " The man is the head of the household and the woman is the neck." Now if you think a little on that it's kinda 😎 cool, I think. To me that means a woman can guide her man with her loving touch and tender kindness ❤️ . Keep coming back here to Team Healthy! Sent with love and prayers 🙏 Kelly Sims
@@PyrPupMom )⁹
I have been extremely naive in my life because I used to think everyone had a heart like me and cared, or at least a little bit. I have learned the hard way through a sea of tears that it just is not like that. They do NOT care about others... they do however care very much about how they appear to others... Interestingly, on my drive home I just happened to drive by my pompous ass narcissist brother and we were slowing at a red light... (I have not spoken to in a few years. ) There he was in all his glory in his rental fancy car he pays 650$ a month to rent ... his appearance is so very important to him. Our eyes met briefly and we both recognized each other... I looked away and did not even nod. I then drove away thinking.. yeah.. it is all about the exterior impression management because on the inside he is an empty cold heart. I could say more.. their loss, not ours! I finally walked away and realized today what a wise thing that was... there is nothing you can do with a cold hard heart. Narcissists actually disgust me immensely now that I see who they really are. Empty shells, some shiny on the outside and even flashy... with the best toys and all the pomp... but seriously... now judgement is shaking all of us in this world and all that pomp will be dust one day.. we have our hearts,,, they will have their dust in the end. Like psalm 1 says... like chaff they will be blown away... this is sad for them... but I am done crying for someone who never cared for me. Thanks for your videos!
You took the words outta my mouth
The worst kind to look out for is someone who attacks, and character assassinates from behind the scenes, without revealing their opposition or disgruntlement in a face to face confrontation.
As you say. Stay strong. . .🙂
Our grandson's mother to a T. Cordial face to face, but behind a keyboard, something you'd never believe if you didn't see it with your own eyes.
all the narcissists in my life have done that... they do not get their hands dirty while they methodically and relentlessy destroy your character through all their slander and evil... I believe in God.. read Psalm 37... my favourite verse is ... God sees them and laughs at them because He knows their day is coming.... it is!
@@lovearttherapyalways That is a good one. We remain steadfast knowing that our silence is irritating her to no end, and one day she'll have to face final judgement before the Lord. Until then we pray for our son's and grandson's safety. I'm shocked she has gone as far as she has. Like a movie where you can't believe anyone could actually be like that. So I'm fearful that she has no limits to what she'll do just to hurt us.
@@sandyinsc5024 Stay strong and close to the Lord... yes, I feel your pain I truly understand how you feel as I have a few narcissists around that make me wonder just how out of control they can get.. they are scary and evil individuals. We need to protect ourselves. God bless you!
In my life-long experiences with narcissists, grandiose narcissism is so much easier to deal with than the covert vulnerable narcissist because the overt can't really hide their self-absorption.
I agree. The covert also often hide their abuse from others and lash out when others are not around.
The sex addict is who I am dealing with. I am devastated
@@kellyobrienthunderkenterpr7619 Happening behind your back?
@@coach_amy yes.....I just found out when I found this page . I cannot wrap my brain around this depth of betrayal and living 2 completely seperate existences
@@kellyobrienthunderkenterpr7619 Betrayal is really complicated to heal from. Do you have help with your healing process?
Thank you for saying this about there's no such thing as "no communication." I had a friend for 20 years and sometimes I would reach out and he would ALWAYS say he was busy. During the pandemic, I BEGGED to have someone to talk to, I begged him to just chat with me. Radio silence. Lo and behold, he calls me because we have a festival here which he always comes to. After 20 years, and the pandemic, I dropped this guy completely. Because you're right, there's no such thing as "no communication." Now it's done. Thank God.
I again thank you sir for this important point.
Good on you seeing him for what he is. I’m still kind of traumatized by the number of people in my family and nearby friends who completely ignored me during 2 years of almost total isolation. I’d reach out to remind them I lived alone and I’d really enjoy occasional phone check ins and I got either radio silence. Or a long recitation of all of the activities and family connections they were engaged in. Man that hurt. I was confused for awhile but reality is they just don’t “need” to connect with me. So they don’t. It’s seen as a burden I’d even asked for a connection. Suppose I hadn’t ever really asked for anything from them before so that’s on me, but wow I had no idea they didn’t care so much! I know now.
Laura, we know you're here and we care you. We know what a family culture of narcissism is. It's only ever about. They only care about what other people do for them.
@@llkellenba I'm sorry. You sent me bawling as I read this. I reached out to people, too. Nothing. I literally took a picture of the blue painted wall I stared at thru the ENTIRE pandemic. While the rest of my family supported each other and prayed together and prayed that I would "come back to God," so that God would finally help me. Soooo.... yeah. Not many comments make me cry, but yours got me! 🙏
you did good.. move on with your dignity. God bless you
Narcissism has been clinically known since 1920, and yet it has been swept under the carpet till now, but there isn't enough training or help,I recommend going online to people like you as those who are lost to narcs can hear what they are dealing with.
Thank God for you DR Carter and those like you.
Society at large is narcissistic in the way it uses fear , half truths , gaslighting , divide and conquer, colonialism , racism, slavery etc for corporations to make profits - hence no info on it in the main.
@@carolinekamya2339 So truthful but there are good caring people that fight for change to do better even in this dark acid polluted world, so we have to decide which way we want to go.
Narcissism has been known about since Victorian times. There is a very famous mental institution in England called Broadmoor Hospital, its a prison, the first inmates when it was built were the narcissists, that was circa 1850
@@sharonryder3655 They were murderous , psychopaths are still sent there to this day.
Narcissism is an anti love way of being- wow- I had hoped this wasn’t true but I can absolutely affirm this is true- thank you💔😔
The Three "Cs" Saved my life:
We didn't CAUSE it
We can't CONTROL it
We can't CURE it.
Cried at the question, "why don't I believe in myself?" Thank you for understanding these situations so deeply, Dr. C. Your videos / community bring me such comfort.
Truth!
It hurts so much to know that our closest family members did nothing to improve our confidence or our self-worth. Many gleefully went on with their lives feeling superior. Your explanation gives me the most comforting feeling. I’ve had many hours of self reflection and deeper thinking. And thanks to you Dr. C, I have to say that I hold my head higher now.
"Narcissists think you as a function." This is so true. When my parent's terminal illness suddenly became worse my sibling didn't inform me about it until there was no time left for me to travel there and say goodbye. It was heartbreaking. When the same scenario happened with the other parent, I was told it was my turn to be there - alone. They had done their duty of saying bye to dying parents. I don't know if it ever crossed their mind that some people want to simply be there , regardless of distances, and say goodbye for the last time. But it was all divide and rule for them.
Deepest Condolences.🌹💌
@@melody5683 Thank you ❤️
@@darklybright ☮&💜&🙏🏼
Control, control, control
Years ago, my ex gave me a card for Valentine's Day that had the words "My heart may be black" printed on the cover (complete with the image of a black heart) and "but it's all yours" printed on the inside. I burst into tears when I read it. I can't imagine why any card company would have produced such a card.
That's cold and cruel. Very passive aggressive.
I'm so happy to have discovered your videos Dr. Carter. My Mother is 102 yrs. old I'm 60yrs. old & have been dealing with her one on one for 5 decades. I'm her caregiver & with each day she gets meaner & hateful. I've decided not to go to her house at all & when I do leave feeling gutted. I've isolated myself all of last year, been diagnosed with depression. I'm at my wits end. She has fabricated lies & told them to anyone who will listen......I can't help but feel I'll be finally free when she passes & I feel guilty for thinking this way.
Don't feel guilty about that.
Anger Management! We sure need that.
Oh yes, my spouse of 30 years also threatened me often that if I do not live up to his 'expectations', he WILL leave me for another woman. Btw...he did now, and after years of his infidelity, threats and domination, this is a blessing...
Yes, My ex was cold- hearted. Like ice. Eg: I was in excruciating pain from what turned out to be splenic aneurysm. He took us on a bumpy back road and hit every pot hole there was. He did not love me.
My narcissistic mother likes to think she has empathy, she comes across in such a condescending manner though you can tell it's not well meant and definitely not warm hearted. No contact at all is the best way to deal with these people. Get the toxicity out of your life and work to heal.
Your information is always helpful and supportive. Thank you! After years of healing from all this I learned I absolutely take the focus off narcisstic people (and problem behavior people in general) and put my time and energy into being the full, whole and healthy person I was meant to be. The ability to regulate is key to this. All aspects of mind, body, and spirit are involved. Learning to breath in a way the re-regulates when triggered has been HUGE.
'always' I ... I ... my ... me. 'The full, whole, total, everything, words heard from crummy narcissists.
Yes. It all depends on our focus. Confidence, feeling loved and worthy make a difference. It is a choice. Many times in my life I have survived on “ Fake it until you Make it.” We have to make conscious decisions for OUR GOOD to thrive and realize our worth.
We do NOT determine our worth from the narcissist. We are better and more loving than that. Blessings 😘🙏🏼❤️
It feels amazing when you finally let go of the hate and you see that it was them not YOU! And in so many ways I feel sad for my abusers. Im still working on letting go! Believe me. But it gets easier everyday! Especially when I'm working on it!
Good point - the ability to self regulate emotion is key.
@@christinalw19 It 'all' depends on _______. Fill in the blank. The narcissist's thought program. Christina says it 'ALL' depends but you know it doesn't 'ALL' depend, that's a narcissistic way of talking, black or white, no grey, all black or all white. Many times in ... MY ... life, not our lives, it's only her life, everybody else is just nothing to her. 'We are better and more loving' says the narcissist - I mean, how do they know they're better? They decided they were better, nobody told them that, they decided they were better and more _______. Fill in the spaces.
Thank you Dr Carter for your invitation to be on the team healthy. I'm working on it...one day at a time. Bless you.
Yes, when the narcissist is your mother who everyone told you was so sweet, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that she didn't really love you because they are incapable of real love. I'm getting used to the idea now though.
You wouldn't believe how good they are at pretending to be a caring person.
Dr Carter, I really appreciate your insights. Now I see why when I asked him to self reflect, he took it as a personal attack,went into rage mode and said that I was egging him on. I wasn't though. Thanks for your reminders about dignity,civility and respect. I really want that to always be forefront, because of the fact that the narc will go into revenge mode at the slightest hint of frustration from us . So important. Thank you. I wish you were my father lol. I could've lived my life so differently. God bless you and everyone here.
Your counseling was right on today.. been struggling with no contact of my mother... it's hard to deal with an heal... it's taken me 55yrs
Very much appreciate all the support. What you say has eased my mind and heart.
Great simple answers to embarrassing questions of why you don't see much of your narcissistic relative:
"We've had to part ways"
"We don't think alike"
"I've decided that this is something that I do not need to entertain on an ongoing basis".
I want to thank you. You are one of the people who gave me the education I needed so that I could act to save my life. It’s been a year. It scares me to death how bad off I was, how thoroughly I allowed another human being to destroy me, how willing that human being was to sadistically destroy me. But I survive, in part because of your willingness to do these videos. Thank You.
So pleased on your behalf.
Hello Dr. Carter. I am Jeanmarie Shea. I just left my tyrant after 25 years of a neverending nightmare. Today I was fortunate to have stumbled to your live cast. After reading from a list of what happens to a person that has trauma bonding pain I couldn't hit your subscribe button fast enough.( I fit every criteria) I continued to listen and learn from your talks to this past one. Then I felt a deep need to tell you this before I continue to watch all of your posted live casts. Thank you Dr. Thank you so very much.🥰👍
So pleased you are with #TeamHealthy. I'm pulling for you. Best wishes, Dr. C
Thanks Dr C, I’m stunned by how intentionally my Narc can disregard my feelings or anything resembling humanity towards me. Just a total lizard , and worse is , it seems by choice. Possessed. It just stunned me so much to encounter this and hurt deeply that she won’t regard or acknowledge my feelings at all. Just a closed vault. So weird but it really hurt/ freaked me out and I didn’t recover from that, so it helps to hear this is a thing with them.
They hold you to standards that they themselves cannot or will not hold themselves.
My narcissist is a neighbor. He's 20 years younger than me. Up till now he's been very stealth. We've lost quite a few of our family members so for the Saturday after St Patrick's Day I decided to get the family together what's left of it. To show you how wild our party was we left a parking space in front of my house just in case an ambulance had to come and take my brother who had a brain stimulator put in his head for Parkinson's or my cousin who has congestive heart failure needed to be taken out. I had the music on very lightly and up until now it's been since June 2019 this neighbor has been hammering away at me. His flying monkeys have been sitting there running up to the manager's office complaining about me on his behalf. My family never got a first-hand view of what the neighbors been doing to me. Until this gathering he decided to open the back hatch of his SUV which is 20 ft from my patio table. Very small yards manufactured Village. He started blasting pyrotechno music so loud that everything on my glass patio table was vibrating. Finally my family got to see what I've been dealing with. I'm upset that my brother had to leave because he had a brain stimulator putting his head 2 weeks before the get together and we were very concerned about him having a third aneurysm from it. My cousin on oxygen congestive heart failure gets very upset very quickly if it gets tense and of course it was getting tense we couldn't even hear ourselves talk. None of the flying monkeys that live around here would go over to him and say hey why don't you turn the music down there not bothering anybody. The bottom line is I feel vindicated because my whole family now has had a big taste of it and we're a military family and it had it took everything I had to keep it calm. My son went over and nicely said hey dude do you think we could just shut your back hatch. Narcissist wouldn't answer so Matthew just pushed the hatch close gently. Of course the big bad narcissist is closed the police on us he's been harassing us for almost an hour he actually left the car running and went in the house but he's the victim. I am so sick of narcissistic people using themselves as the victim. They never accept responsibility for starting trouble they never accept responsibility for being the difficult one. I'm very religious I have very religious friends one of them said why didn't you invite him over to the picnic. I said because since June 2019 he has been harassing me poisoning my grass same filthy things to me laying his dog pee on my lawn opening his windows blasting pornography I'm not inviting him over to meet my family. Society wants us to apologize to them narcissists they want us to include them in the hopes maybe it'll change them and nothing ever will. They are damaged goods.
Moe Banshee, you did well, keeping calm is important. They want any reaction they can get out of you and I'm glad you have support. Keep a daily log. Pictures. Don't engage with him. Go talk to your home owners association if you have one, get all the rules, go speak with chief of police and get his/her advice. Then take pictures and your daily log of events. Go to a lawyer with everything. He might be sent a letter explaining if he violates any of the things they may list, he might be fined. Money is the only way these people ever learn anything. Protect yourself and your home. 🤗🦊
Yes the most Painful realization of how can someone not see your humanity as a person and just see you as a prop or a tool and not as you, and willingly disconnect from you in any meaningful way that normal healthy people naturally would. It’s evil incarnate or the effects of wrong choices somewhere that inject humanity with this disconnection and anti- humanity.
This is so validating and encouraging. I have a question. When a narcissist, particularly in a family, constantly leaves you out of events and puts you out of the inner circle, is that a way to flex power and control or so they just don't want you around or both? This feeling of not measuring up and being excluded has been the most painful form of emotional abuse that I've experienced over the decades. I just don't understand how a mind can rationalize purposely ostracizing people you claim to love. It is cold hearted and cruel. I've recently learned that reacting to these episodes only feeds the narcissist.
With narcs, there always has to be someone to hate. Someone to turn everyone against so they can feel powerful and in control. They are not only masters at manipulation, but at dehumanising their targets, and then deluding themselves and others that you deserve their outlandish behaviour. You can’t fix them, you can’t hug it out of them, and they will never get better. They don’t perceive that anything is wrong with them. It will never be nice, just remember, it’s not you, it is them and nothing can ever fill that hungry void in a narc
This is very painful yes. It’s gonna happen to me too because I just stood up to my narcissistic parents. I’m banking on the pain being temporary 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾 in the meantime I’m trying to create my own support system. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
@@eyesaidit5195 😞 narcs don’t forgive, and the relationship never sustainably improves. Cruelty is such an easy go to emotion for them. I’ve stood up to mine and every time I’ve held them accountable for their behaviour, the relationship was permanently damaged and dimensions of healthy interaction disappeared. Occasional accountability has left my family completely no contact with the in laws, grey rock with my wife, my older kids have bought in to the conflict and judge me harshly, my youngest son keeps asking me to move away with him because he’s worried about the emotional content from control and abuse. Not confronting and not holding them accountable is destructive, confronting them and holding them accountable is destructive. You’re in a traumatic no win situation that just gets worse every time you show any self determination
They need a victim. A target. I was that to Mother Dearest, who was unbelievably cold and cruel whilst doting on my brother. I spent years trying to 'win' her attention and love. Complete waste of time. Caused all sorts of issues for me in my adult life. After finally learning about narcs, I am now able to disregard her antics. She continues to punish me though it no longer controls because I know this is what she is. It's been quite an education.
@@wayneelliott1180 Same here. It was an awakening. I'm not as bothered by it as I was but every now and then I struggle with that old pain and confusion. I'm glad now my brain can tell my heart that it's just not worth it.
Peace/Love/Joy belong together.....get rid of the narcissist and ENJOY YOUR PEACE. Reading, painting, hiking....so many good things to do in Peace.
The thing is. A cold heart never warms up. In fact I don't think they have one. It's a Swinging Brick!!!
Yup. I had a small wedding and reception in my college town, where none of our friends had met the warring narcissism that was our families. The lady in whose garden we had the reception swore there was a freezing aura around Mom that wilted her flowers. I said just imagine when she aims.
Thank you, Dr. C. I am dealing with a sibling after my Dad's passing. This is very helpful for me as the recipient of a troubling, bullying, condescending verbal tirade. Still need to deal with sibling as I am left to handle settlement. I will continue to listen to your videos. Boundaries without their approval is so helpful. Cold hearted, and the complete 180 at the next encounter is mind boggling. At least I know that is a trait, now. Thanks again.
I have been there. I think it will help not to engage to the extent you can let them roll off your back, keep conversation light, distract (gray rock), except to discuss basic details of the estate settlement. They may well keep on being difficult, but you can keep it to a dull roar, and maybe go minimal contact once it is settled. Wishing you well-it is painful and maybe disillusioning.
@@patriciafry8634 Thank you. Very helpful, Patricia.
Our parents had 10 of us and at their passing we had many senseless squabbles and troubles. It's been a few years and I came to the conclusion that it was the result of hurt and anger at them leaving us that it became part of our grieving process and now we are back to most all of us getting along and even with stronger bonds. We get through but never over.
@Cyn Cin, My narc sibling never notified me of dads passing. I found out several years later. Whatever he had she took for herself. This i found unconscionable. She wants to maintain contact, we are both getting old. But i fear even seeing her again, ever. Its unbearable for me i am letting God handle this one. Good luck.
@@440SPN Don’t do it!
Stand on your own. Don’t say to yourself that you are getting old and lonely hence “we” need each other! Don’t do it.
I moved out of state for a job. My father invited the devil to “take care of him in his old age”. My sibling abused him for four years until he died. Evil.
Don’t invite evil into your life. Stand my yourself!
Exactly Right....long term multiple exposures to Narcissistic people....makes us have NO faith in who we are....and we have forgotten who we are.....we end up lost and afraid.....which IS their intentions for us. What I learned about Belief in MySelf....God is Love, God created us in God's Image....We ARE LOVE. So...in this crazymaking world, BE LOVE. Do not expect anything back from others, do not desire, demand anything from others. JUST BE LOVE. When we Be love, now we attract back to us, other people that know to BE LOVE. That is how Love Fulfills itself. We Trust God...not those narcissist that are moving in the direction of evil.
Jacqueline, this is so appropriate and appreciated. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more people remembered “Love makes the world go ‘round.” ? ❤️❤️❤️Liz
My Gosh, it is exhausting…..
I’m thinking, we should bring a bigger and broader awareness of who and what narcissists are. I know we can see them everywhere in our daily lives. It’s a cycle that just wears the rest of us down.
It would be great to have a movement on this destructive behavior.
Thank you for clearing up that establishing boundaries and being assertive does not mean you're going to get a positive outcome with a toxic person. For a while i thought that being assertive just didn't work because regardless nothing would help the situation. Now i understand that it did work. They were going to continue their behavior regardless of what i did or said. At least i held my ground every time 🙏
Exactly!
I had a similar experience.. very justifying to hear this. Thanks for sharing. Stay strong.. and never let them know you are afraid.
I realize after finding your channel Dr. C. that I grew up in a house full of Narcissists. No wonder I had such low self esteen as a young person and grownup. I was told everyday how I would never be anything and how ugly I was because I looked like my Mom who died when I was 6 and they did not like her. She was really beautiful but they didn't like her. Although I made a straight A report card through 12 years of school, was a member of the National Honor Society all through school and won scholarships to college but was put out of the house because I quit my summer job to go to school. I went to work for the school system instead and lived with my Aunt who had 9 children but she loved us. There were four of us left and not wanted when my Mom died. We had a Dad and lived with his family. I had to sign my report cards myself because they were never looked at by anyone and I had to get them back to the school so I would sign them and take them back to school. I now understand why my life turned out as it did with this person. Thank you Dr. C. you are surely an real angel.
I wish I could just give you a hug.
@@SurvivingNarcissism How I wish we had moved to Waco years ago when I called Chip and Joanna Gains when they first started their show. I would have been in your ofc. and well on my way by now. Thank you so much Dr. Carter.
Ahh I relate to the question that asked how the narcissist could act like a certain situation never occurred. Finally learning to be wary of this behavior!!
Yes, it’s called “gaslighting;” and “crazy making..” You attempt to talk to them about a particular abusive incident that hurt, and they completely dismiss it like it never occurred. Crazy!! Then they play the victim, and claim that “it’s all in your mind,” and blame YOU for their cruel & malicious abuse!
When I think back in raising my daughter… a lot of tells… I’m so confused cuz I raised my girls completely different than I was ( my mother was very crazy). I taught them to love, forgiveness and empathy. We had a great life! I thought !! She’s 40 now… and she’s married to a vindictive narcissist. And she has grown into a horrible human being. My question is how does this happen? How did she become so evil? I can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve blamed myself for decades! Free now … but it came with a HUGE price! Can’t see her or the children anymore. I’m 65 and I have ALOT of “good life and joy ahead of me. I’m just grieving at the moment.
For 2 weeks I was on my “ pink cloud “… then I came apart when she totally blamed me! She’s gone so far as to get a cease and desist order against me! That’s how much denial she’s in. She’s making a fool of herself! This makes me sad …. I’m really sad at the moment. Thank you for your videos. I’m learning so much.
My adopted daughter (36 years old) cut me completely out of her life ( and my grandchildren’s life) 4 years ago. Apparently I should have done more, asked how high she’d like me to jump for her. Her father, my Ex is a covert narcissist whom I left after 35 years of marriage ( I attempted suicide twice, was on anti depressants most of the last 20 years with the Ex) and have been away from that toxicity for almost 12 years. My youngest son (38 years old) is either a narcissist or is being coached by his father and sister. I spoke with him March 23rd this year about his avoidance of me ( he’s come to my home 5-6 times to see me in almost 12 years, although he will text “How are you and Rob doing?” about every month or every other month. I reply and that’s the end of our communication till the next text.) I first asked him if he sees his dad, he said yes about every other month. I told him I thought it was unacceptable to be so evasive, he said: “It wasn’t intentional.” Oh, he said he’s work on that visiting. LOL BTW: he and his Christian wife travel past my home twice each Sunday they go to church, but I’m out of their way.
The Mothers Day came. Yes I got a phone call at 6:15 pm ( when I confronted him in March we talked about free time per year that he could come visit, he had well over 200 hours but he’s SO busy and they go to bed about 8:30). So he calls me at 6:30 pm, I didn’t answer, it was mostly likely just a Happy Mothers Day and an excuse or they would stop over for 30 min to an hour. Seriously? Who the F treats a mom like that? He has attempted to call. number of times since and I don’t answer. Why? So he can make up some excuse? I’m done! I took his sister out of my will 4 years ago, this week he’s being removed as well. I don’t have a lot, but I refuse to reward them for treating me like crap. I love my children, always have always will, BUT… I ( lol, just got a text from him; just this moment, lol, not answering that too.) I’m DONE!
@@katen1228 Dearest Kate I think I did not breathe the whole time I was reading your comment. I have two daughters and the youngest one is the one I spoke about and the oldest one I went to a concert with her this weekend and she treated me like crap. I’m done as well… Oh but she’s questioning why I’m upset with her. If they don’t know, don’t get it, are evasive and condescending among other traits how can we have a relationship with them. We are not to be their slaves, we are not to be their verbal punching bags we’re not to be their emotional punching bags but again… “Who the H treats their mother like that”👍 you said right?
I’m 65 and I have 20 good years left spent 45 years in toxicity. Lost my entire family, five siblings because my mom used them to abuse me, my 40 year old daughter, 41 year old daughter, two narcissistic husband, one of the husband is a grandiose Machiavellian narcissist, my entire seven grandchildren ignore me. At first I felt lonely however, with the help of Dr. less and team healthy and moving along. I am so very sorry you have to experience such insidious behavior. Stay strong Kate because we are all we have. PS I have arthritis real bad so I speak into the microphone and it kind of screws up my comment.🦋peace🦋
@@dm3144 , God Bless YOU and all the rest of us that are going thru this heartache. I try to keep my eye on scripture: “Vengeance is mine saith the Lord”. Not that we wish that on our own children, but…. Just so tired of it.
@@katen1228 Yes I can relate you know how to get a hold of me so feel free to text me anytime. I find This outlet I guess they call it a keyboard warrior? Lol I don’t know I’m too old to know anything like that except I feel like there are other people that I’ve gone through the same thing and I never ever ever knew it.
@@dm3144 , LOL, I’m old too. I’ll be 69 in a few weeks. Not sure how old you are but, any age is too old to go thru this with people that we love, continue to love and pray for.
My parents used to tell me as a small child, how parents aren't required to love or even like their children. I was sad and scared. I am so messed up from them and my older sister. Maybe its admitting my vulnerability and just being able to exist with the pain being unlovable that has kept me from destructive behaviors to myself and others. In fact, in the lives of the wild birds, I know I am a bright shining light for them. I really care.
They were very, very wrong.
You are worthy of love! Don’t forget that!
Aloha🌺 I am sorry you had to hear such a horrible lie from those designed to love and protect you. I greatly admire your honesty and strength to both endure such pain and break the cycle, few accomplish such a feat. I am certain you are a shining light and always protect your capacity to care, it is eternal gold.🕊
Don't know how in the world I missed this one! Found it today and what a gem. I was struggling this morning and feeling blessed now. I am all about love!!! Thank you for helping me Kick that doubt to the curb!
So pleased, Denise! I like this format.
I used to work with them occasionally in psychiatric units.Ofcourse psychiatrists took them into the units,as patients,for clinical interventions.This is what I learned from the Doctors that I worked for.Narcissists are extremely dangerous people in various settings.That was before so much technology. I am educated.Thank you so much for your work. Today, I would say, I would just as soon not be around someone like this at all.Understanding is one thing. Relational contact is another.There are plenty of people who are capable of working on themselves,who enjoy the desire to love and attach. I love your lectures.Even though I have moved on,This is always a good place for me to spend time,getting to know myself and others.
Hi Dr. Carter,
Two things: Being victimized doesn't make a victim.A huge difference between finding a narcissist, and being found by one. I'm going to devote a chapter in the book that I'm working on to how high level narcissists acquire your records,before they acquire the next transaction.There's a difference between a poor narcissist and a rich well traveled well occupied one. A similarity is laziness; a difference is power. Dracula.
@@cecilepovich3861 Wow, a book worth adding to Dr. Carter's collection. I love reading these books now on weekends when I force myself to do nothing, cold ice tea, comfortable chair and a good book. It's knowledge that I can put on my brain shelf so when I need it, if I can remember it, I can maybe have the strength and wisdom to repeat what I have read if who I say it to care's. Sometimes Foxie Dog is the only one who listens,that's okay, she's very smart you know 🤗🤗🐕😁🦊
I recently discovered that a close friend, but a newer friend is a narcissist. These videos are very helpful. Things are starting to add u. But what shocks me still is that they can sound so sincere and honest. Every time I engage, I let my defenses down and try to believe them. But then, when we are apart. My brain starts to recover.
My Ex Narc did that, he placed ads on CL for women. He replaced me after 35 years marriage. Lies, Cheating, Financial Betrayals, Secret Lives, Friends with Benefits, etc.
Hard to Imagine and Shocking.
Yes, the narcissist in my life would often tell me I needed to take a hard look at myself - he was always right & let me know it! I’ve allowed my life to be manipulated by this person! 🤷♀️
I thank god for you! U will be an angel in heaven. I’ve learned so much from u! I’m 72 and never looked up narcissist before. But I knew a man that is thank god out of life. He has ALL THE NARCISSIST WAYS,
Yes there are signs, if it's to good to be true it is, run! Actually don't turn your back and run. You may want to walk out backwards with your eyes on them.
I have two family members that are narcissists. I am constantly mistreated by both of them and I can't take their abuse any longer.
I believe in me . Enough with cold people!!!
God flipping bless you. Their are not many men like you in my world to be a by far amazing example of what a true man is and I'm just so thankful I have this exposure to one through these videos. I'm on my healing journey and these videos are helping me to be able to try to make sense and understand what has happened to me.. what my life has been .. I try to find the good and make good... But I haven't had a good life. . But through videos such as these I am able to keep my head above the water most days . And I grow and I take on the light . I know I'm not alone and here are people who understand and genuinely care! And deeply love. What would I do without you all. We are not alone and we can and will overcome all the stepping stones together. The obstacles becoming stepping stones as we push on hand in hand. We know that in the end we are all children just trying to walk each other home the best we can with what we know today. And that is something to be in awe of. Much love , much gratefulness. Seriously we are blessed. Thank you - and to our world is shed all the light and to the darkness we come to understand so that we may continue on unblinded and binded. I rejoice now in this. And hold onto this in my desperate time of need. ! Again thank you and again much love. ❤️
Your videos have assisted profoundly with my healing from the significant damage done by a narcissistic sister and only sibling. Thank you with all my heart 💝😔
Ditto, my friend.
I never could understand why my narc. was always happy and smiling after one of his rages. I'm ready to leave him and he is happy of his conquest. How sick is that?!?
My husband passed away almost a year ago....I've come to realize I'm left with horrible hurtful memories of how he treated me over the years....and I'm so broken I don't know how to live.
Live with a tender heart. It's sad for him he never wanted more from your relationship. It's a grace that God has given you more time to live and love!
Sounds like your authentic self is in suppression. Be gentle towards yourself and know you can in time find out who you are. Self affirmation is helpful.
Thank you for your responses. Yesterday was the 1 year mark of his passing...I sometimes don't understand how I can recognize the games(narcissistic)he played, and yet miss his companionship.,..
Thank you for these videos. So helpful.
Last week I tried contacting my father-in-law to give him one last chance to sit down and talk with me and my husband about the relationship. My mother-in-law (texted) us and said he just needs more time and isn’t ready yet. He hasn’t seen me in 8 months. So he made the decision! We are doing no contact now.
Dr. C, would you be able to do a video about dealing with narcissists in a family? In our situation, my husband wants our children to have a relationship with his parents, but I don’t see how that can work when my father-in-law dislikes me so much. We spent a weekend away with my husband’s family and my father-in-law ignored me the whole time. I believe him to be a covert narcissist which makes it even trickier in my opinion. Lots of sly, passive-aggressive behaviour towards me and my husband, but is all lovey-dovey with my kids.
Thanks for all your help. I’m so glad I came across your videos. I’m all for team healthy!
They are very cold hearted. I will never forget when I was suffering from a back injury and unable to get out of bed. He got up, got ready for work and left. He never asked how I was so there I was not able to even go to the bathroom all day. When he came home from work I was unble to move at all except to turn my head from side to side and that took effort. He finally called someone to come over to help me, not the doctor, and I was finally able to move and I made sure I was never in that position again.
Dr C, you are amazingly accurate! 40+ years of this BS. What’s wrong with me?
40 plus years for me also. Don't know what the heck was wrong with me
@@monicahocking1507 57yrs parents then husband.Realise it's probably down to being to trusting and not realising that people who are suppose to love you don't.Their loss.
@@monicahocking1507 99999⁹⁹
35 years for me to wake the F up. But I got there. Been out of that A**holes grip for almost 12. But he’s turned my two youngest against me or they have either become narcissist ( youngest which is my only daughter) or are controlled/compelled by their father. I’m so tired of it all. I have one son (oldest) left that is kind to me. God Bless you ALL, especially Dr. C.
Thank you as ever, Dr. C. Just listening to you is so reassuring. My emotionally-immature narcissistic siblings have ‘all’ the characteristics that you describe. Our job as you remind us is have a good self of self and effective boundaries, and no longer make excuses for their totally unacceptable behavior. I have made too many allowances over the years, at a cost to me. Interactions with them are empty and take inordinate effort. I have emotionally disconnected myself. No more walking on egg shells for me and feeling (knowing) there is no reciprocity (and will never be any). Sure wished I had these insights years ago. Better late than never. Professor-Elizabeth
Thank you 💕 Dr C for this free counseling. Your videos have been very helpful in assessing my relationship with narcissistic friends and family and my own tendencies toward that dysfunctional way of relating. Certainly, there's a spectrum. At 70 I'm better at setting boundaries (thanks to doctors Cloud and Townsend) regardless of concurrence than I was 40 years ago. God bless you 😇 for the loving care you are giving to us strangers. A sister in Christ from 🇨🇦. 💖🙏🕊
Thanks, Betty. BTW, I knew Cloud and Townsend back in the early days of our careers. They are good guys.
The line I got was "you wouldn't be here if I didn't want you here" how loving.
Those are the words of a strong-arm authoritarian.
Thank you for a long and detailed episode packed full of wisdom. And the Flying Monkey "yes" "yes" made me chuckle. 😄Thank you for a warmhearted episode. A peaceful life is to live with a normal person with a functioning empathy, resulting in the ability to observe and prefer the Golden Rule. This is also where Love can blossom, as both grow to prefer to give more than take, in an upwards spiral. The confusion of victims stems mostly from dealing with a disordered person who lies and gaslights in order to make the normal party the "crazy one". No, you're crazy! No you are! This craziness needs to stop, both need to stay far away from each another. Prayers and hugs for Team Healthy in these difficult times.
I have been living out this whole scenario with my brother. He is dying of cancer and I am the only available caretaker.
I was told self reflection would cause unpleasant thoughts . He said "why would I put myself through that?"
"Why would I become honest with myself?"
His dismissiveness, making me feel worthless and meaningless, the constant silent treatment made me feel rage so much that I thought I was nuts.
You are worthy of happiness. You are capable of healing . Be patient with your self.
¡Gracias, Dr Carter! You’re the best coach for Team Healthy. Thank you for lighting the way to sanity and harmony. You’re the best at cheering on and staying strong towards self-respect. 🌟 Love and blessings.
de nada
WOW that self assessment question was great! I posed an opinion to Mr Narcissist, that being, he seemed incapable of shifting perspective after debate or open discussion and he went freaking nuts, it was an extraordinary reaction with yelling, swearing and stomping about, at which point I simply removed myself from his presence… just incredible
And not only do narcissists have cold hearts, they are also deaf and blind! At my workplace, another new hire just quit because of the dismissive and disrespectful way the narcissist spoke to him and for telling him that he was going to move him out of the job he just finished training in and over to a different position. It takes several months to gain experience and to train for this job, so moving someone out of a job so quickly and into another position (which will also take several months to learn) is not only stressful for the person, there's really not much to be gained from doing it.
This is the 2nd new hire since Jan 1, 2022 that quit because of the narcissist. And it's NOT easy to fill these positions in this company.
This was an especially good one! When you were talking about entitlement, it reminded me of when my narcissistic mother said something offensive to me recently and when it became clear that I didn't like what she said to me, she acted offended herself and said in a pitiable voice, "I ought to be able to say something like that to MY DAUGHTER." She believes being a mother entitles her to treat me however she feels like treating me. One time I told her I had been sick the week before, and she said "And you didn't call me???!!!" I said no, why? She raged, "BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER!" That's not even logical, to HAVE to call her just because I'm sick. I don't feel like talking on the phone when I'm that sick.
Sounds like she thinks she owns you. Ugh.
I always remind myself of the pain and loveless life the narcissist experienced as a child to arrive at this pathetic state of existence. That’s how I tolerate the him. I DO keep my distance. But once I realized his mode of thinking and living is what allowed him to survive, I don’t even hear the mean things he says. He’s like an injured animal. People perceive them as angry and fierce when actually they are deeply afraid.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the world of narcissism.
Your information has helped with a past so called loving relationship and decades of family emotional beat down. This is just what I needed to move on and be the loving, kind, grateful and respectful person I am.
I will continue listening to your insight.
How did my narc sister know how to operate like this as a child, and how did she, at such a young age, enlist my parents as flying monkeys against me? How do they (narcs) have this power? It's now still going on 53 years later.
I am sorry you have to experience this with your sister.
@@sandramullins612 thank you Sandra. I'm getting help. Things are making better sense, but I still have a lot to unwrap and disentangle from...
I suspect it may be more genetic than we know right now
I so understand your thoughts, Dear One. I am 70, and have the same wonderings. But by now, WE have created good lives and healthy families of our own. We must focus on that. Blessings & Hugs 😘🙏🏼❤️
@@nchappyday02 I read this somewhere, that our idiosyncrasies amplify as we age. She’s only going to get worse. Don’t deal with her. Minimize. 😘🙏🏼
My 38yr old narc son has never once called to see if he can help me I had a stroke 5 yrs ago that has left my left arm and hand paralyzed
I broke this morning. He looked sane, I looked desperate. He lives in 2D, I live in 3D. My third D is dying. The depression is returned. So alone - both of us. He informs me I am happy. If it were not for the Pekingese, there would be no reason to go on. Beautiful sunny day, but I feel safe hiding in this shaded room before the computer. Now even funny animal videos hardly distract. My mind feels like it is burning.
I told him he needs counseling. He said to me No I am going to be my own counselor because I'm doing a lot of research so I can learn about certain things. I know myself better than anyone else and am a fast learner... He also told me yesterday he's been counseling some people and encouraging them in life. He even text me telling me how to meditate and breathe to feel better. What the hell? 😱
Last night I was thanking God for my life. I started looking back in my mind how many great experiences I've had. Later, before I fell asleep, I realized not one image that came to me included the person I'm living with right now. That covers a lot of years too. I found that kinda funny.🙃
It's crazy hard to find a therapist with this level of knowledge in regards to narcissism, if not impossible. Believe me I have tried. Going to the wrong therapist with this issue is downright dangerous imo.
They also brag alot, and will always pretend to be busy . Yet they never are.
Thank you Dr. Carter for all the great information in your videos. I was fooled by my favorite narc. Now I understand why he was just able to be cold hearted and walk away from me and the kids 1000 times. He exposed me over and over til it hurt me. NOW he watches me thrive in life. He's so jealous of us, and we're all still after him and we've been terrible to him and treated him badly. I told him your reality is not my reality. He said. Oh I know its not. Lol
You're catching on!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I have been the object of his narc triangle for a very long time, but that narc triangle is getting weaker and weaker, and he knows it. Im a very confident and independent woman, and he is watching my life. He gets to watch from the inside because our youngest child is 17 in my home. I even gave him a key. Lol
Hi Dr Carter, I love your videos. I have learned so much about narcissism by watching them. Thank you!! I think I may be married to one. Been with him for 8 years and always had a gut feeling something was off about him but I thought maybe it's just me. He says I "make up scenarios in my head" whenever I try to talk to him about things that bother me. He told me once when I said that I feel awkward having seperate tickets when we go to a restaurant. I asked if we can have a joint account just for food; groceries and eating out. He replied with "look I'm not responsible for your meal debt" and says all the time that he will not be a doormat" I told him how I felt like a roommate because we also split the groceries "for only things he will eat". He does not want to pay for any food that I buy extra for myself or my teenage daughter. He said I get "child support for her and he's not responsible for someone else's child financially". We both have about the same income. I don't feel he should be responsible for me financially but its just hurtful how he says it. I told him he's very selfish and he gets angry and calls me names like a b*$ch. And if I ask him why he called me that he says I deserved to be called names because I called him names first. And all I said was that he was selfish. I thought I was his 4th wife. But recently found out I'm his 5th wife. He lied about it and when I confronted him he still lied until I told him I knew her name and I spoke with her. He said he doesn't claim that marriage and its none of my business. And all 4 prior divorces were because "they treated him bad and he did what he was supposed to in a marriage and it wasn't his fault that they were bad women". If you could give me your thoughts on this I would be so grateful! Thanks Dr C!!
Wow...there are all sorts of red flags here, and the fact that he refuses to have any meaningful dialogue is a really bad sign. This has all the earmarks of narcissism. High control, low empathy, entitlement, easy lying, major gaslighting, the False Self, chronic defensiveness. You have some hard decisions in front of you b/c people like this not only tend not to change, but they get worse. Dr. C
The problem for me still is, I started ignoring, shutting down and all that, to protect myself. In turn, I get accused of being selfish or narcissistic. Sometimes I get afraid, I might turn into or be the narcissist.
Can't make anyone change or have different insights except for yourself
When my husband of 31 years died my narcissist daughter responded with, “Why should I care? He was nothing to me anyway.” She nailed it!
Yea Team Healthy!
The world needs more DrC! I am so grateful 🙏!
#TeamHealthy
I do find that difficult to do, ignoring the narcissist 😣thank you for persisting with the information ℹ️ sorry for taking so long to get it.
I'm just glad you're figuring it out!
I am human and I like to learn about humans ❤️thank you for teaching me .🌻
You are so welcome!
Thank you so much for your valuable work. God bless you 🙏❤️🤗