When my husband started working out of town almost three years ago we began talking to each other over the phone more than we ever had since we were married. We have grown even more close and been able to work out some issues regarding our love life. I have learned to truly appreciate him ☺️
I'm surprised by how evenly you dealt with this topic because Jimmy Evans teaches duty sex. I've heard him say that it doesn't matter how the woman feels she needs to take care of her husband's sexual needs, that she should be more sexual than she feels like. I think that's dangerous to a marriage because it is unbalanced. I've been married for 42 years. When I told my husband about this teaching he looked incredulous. He'd never heard of such an outrageous concept. Taking the Bible verse about belonging to each other to the point of each person having no say over their own body is extreme. We belong to each other through marriage and therefore cannot give our bodies to other people. That is yielding it to their spouse. It is extreme to take that to mean husbands and wives have no authority over his/her own body to the extent that they must do as their spouse wants no matter how they feel about it. My husband is a mature man, not a monster who must have his every sexual whim/thought/urge/feeling to be indulged. He wants me to be emotionally engaged and would rather wait until we are both emotionally engaged. The reverse is true. When I say not-now-dear-ask-me-later it is NOT A REJECTION OF HIM AS A MAN and he knows it. He has more self-confidence than to believe that. His ego is not fragile. My husband says the idea of duty sex (aka sex-on-demand) makes the wife into a kind of sex slave, having to have sex whether she wants to or not. This is the difference between having sex and making love. To make love both people have to be emotionally engaged, not one doing it because the other one insists it is their right to demand it. (As Christians, we're supposed to have self-control.) I'm so glad my husband is a mature man. He says the LAST THING HE WANTS is duty sex. He said if the top 5 needs of a woman are met the sex will come naturally.
According to the Bible both spouses are supposed to be willing to have sex even if they don't want to, to not defraud each other. Jimmy Evans is biblically correct when he says this. (I'm not talking about serious issues such as health issues).That's God's word. There are plenty of things that God asks us to do in the Bible that we may not want to do but out of obedience to Him and love for Him we do it. Sex with your spouse is no different. It's obeying God and showing that you love your spouse because you're putting their needs above your own. God is very specific about this and the scripture actually says in 1 Corinthians 7 that when we obey God in this way it will keep us from being tempted by the devil because of our lack of sexual intimacy. So yes there is a such thing as (marital-duty sex) according to the Bible.
@@Godchaserforever1973 ~ My understanding of not defrauding each other is not to use sex as a weapon, or punishment. That is straight from the devil. I do not see these verses in the same way as Jimmy Evans does. There are a lot of Christians who don't agree with his interpretation. Look up Sheila Wray Gregiore's videos and podcasts. She is amazing, and a Christian. Her husband participates too. My husband would not ever want me to engage with him sexually without me wanting to. We've been married 42 years. He's never been tempted to stray because he will wait for me to be emotionally engaged so we can make love rather than just have sex. A woman feels used if she's staring at the ceiling waiting for him to finish. That's not making love; it is selfishness. A husband should love his wife enough to consider her feelings above his own. That is both loving and honoring her, as he pledged to in their wedding vows, because he cherishes her. We're deeply in love and can't wait to see each other when he gets home from work even after 44 years together. We are completely wound around each other. All of this without duty sex. He says duty sex is a totally foreign concept to him. His sense of masculinity is not dependent on sexual intimacy because he is a mature man, not selfish. He does not pout on the rare occasion in which we both aren't able to. There is always a real reason, not an excuse, on both of our parts when one of us says not-right-now-dear-ask-me-later. We don't feel unloved. We've never felt disconnected, not even when he was in a terrible car accident and spent 3 months in the hospital and nursing facilities and two months recuperating while he learned to walk again. We were only able to see each other once because of the distance, but we were in contact several times a day. Our hearts are connected with or without sexual intimacy. I read this to my husband and he said of the last sentence, "Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?"
People take the word of God to mean what they want it to because the don't want to be obedient to God. It's not a mystery, you don't have authority over your own body. It's simple to interpret but hard to obey.
@@dbaird8784 I do not think it is fair for you to judge who wants to be obedient to God and who does not, just because there is a difference of interpretation of Scripture. God alone knows our hearts and intentions. My husband gives me autonomy under, of course, loyalty to him. I have chronic pain/illness, which affects everything I do, but even if I didn't he wouldn't expect me to do anything I didn't want to do at that moment. Did you notice I said "on the rare occasions" this happens? Meaning, of course, it happens rarely, and is usually pain-related or muscle weakness-related. I have MS, which affects my ability to walk and stand as well as affecting my stamina + an advanced case of fibromyalgia of 47 years. It gets worse over time, which means I live at a 4-6 on the pain scale after medication EVERY SINGLE DAY. I could certainly reasonably refuse sexual intimacy often for that reason alone, but I don't. He respects me, loves me, honors me and cherishes me, and I feel the same way for him. God has blessed us with a rock solid marriage of 42 years plus more years if it is according to His will. He would not bless us if we were disobedient nor would we expect Him to. What we do is between God and us and He blesses us. May God bless you as well. I believe you are sincere but you have no right to judge.
I’m a woman you also need to feel wanted before and afterwards, I wouldn’t mind intimacy but don’t make me feel like trash afterwards and days later. I would have more desire if the spouse showed better approach and love. Thank you both!🙏🏽
My husband talks and looks at other girls bodies, it discussed me and always snooty, running and putting me down. I don't want to be intimate with him He yells and screams and out of control, than he wants sex,when this happens every day.i feel like he compares me to other women, I dont even want him looking at my body because of that.he says he believes in jesus but other than that,hes an old man pervert. Just like the perverts I always talk bad about.it discusses me
Your podcast is truly amazing. You guys hit the rough issues/taboo issues that need to be talked about. And you bring to light so many things! God bless you both!
"He just get on top of me and do his business". Color purple If a husband or wife will be like that then you might as well resort to self-gratification.
The suggestion to overcoming duty sex is communication, but how do you do that when tiur husband continues to ingore your request and say that your are crazy and that other women like how he acts and he has options. How do you communicate with someone who is not willing to see your perspective of values your feelings. I just have sex out of duty and I have tried to communicate my feelings to my spouse. I tried of hearing that I am crazy for feeling the way I feel.
Someone once said , sex starts in the kitchen . You have to warm up before you get there so that you don’t feel like you’re having sex with a stranger . Intimacy should also be constant . Not from time to time. I need to follow my own advice .
Only children confuse a married husband or wife with a stranger. If she or he can't understand that they are married to a man or woman that they themselves chose then the martiage was over a long time ago. Time to find a new spouse who has matured to adulthood.
What do you do when your wife won't put down her phone long enough to have this conversation? We do the "hurry up and get it overwith" thing less than once a month, and she also ignores all of my attempts to connect with her in nonsexual ways. She also uses the "too tired" excuse all the time even though I do way more housework and child care than she does.
For me, communication can also impact sex. If we haven’t talked all day-or only talked about work and kids-I’m wondering if all we have between us is sex. I want to dream and pray and laugh together. It seems like none of that is a factor in why or when my husband wants sex. I just don’t work that way.
And this a very common immature problem that women have. He is still married to you, just because he hasn't talked to today doesn't mean he stopped loving you or wants to leave the marriage. So don't take that as a rejection. Have more self confidence in your self.
Isn't duty sex caused by the man not fulfilling the emotional needs of the woman? Clinical phycologists will say that 80% of divorces are caused by male attraction issues. When they stop courting her and settle in after the catch, she is abandoned to an extent. Paul tells the husband to love the wife like Crist loved the Church. He uses the word agape which is impossible for a human to achieve. This is why we add "so help me God" after the vows. If he is not learning from God, he cannot show the love she needs to continue. And this plays into sex as he loses sight of his goal to achieve the balance needed for both of them. His desire is more physical and his focus is mostly directed to the 15-minute run which dose very little for her need of a four-hour time frame with a more full body agenda. He does not understand or reach any sense of achievement in her eyes.
The husband can only connect and take care of his wife emotionally if her emotional needs are mature and within reason. 80% of divorces are caused my unreasonable and unrealistic emotional needs and expectations from the wife. Once she takes the time to exclude unrealism from her life and makes a genuine effort to connect with her husband sexually then the emotional efforts from the husband become plenty for her and enjoyable for both. The marriage can can now move forward in happiness.
@@melodykubiak5850 Sounds weird…. Why not take the moment to get your souse in the mood? Foreplay and passion go hand in hand. Quickies are fine but to feel like a duty just seems odd. I guess it’s the word that throws me off. “Duty”.
@@Rancid-Jane I wonder about that too. I've posted alerts to the admins that porn links are being added to the comments on multiple videos on their site and have had no response. I've emailed them about it and no response. You'd think that would be important on a Christian site. I've been able to report the porn links and delete them in the past, but the one on this thread keeps coming back when I refresh the page. No matter how many times I try it keeps coming back. UA-cam is nearly impossible to contact to tell them about it.
If you have questions or something you would like us to address on the podcast, you can fill out the form at the bottom of this page: xomarriage.com/thenakedmarriage
@@Rancid-Jane ~ I've had trouble with that too, though some of my posts which do not include links or my email address have been deleted automatically as well. Even posts mentioning Facebook have been deleted. I think it is a problem with UA-cam.
Does what you say apply to a 49 year old marriage. When we come back together, (currently separated with divorce papers on a lawyer's desk and living apart), compromise our sex life? What your describing, "duty sex" is indirectly describing my feelings in bed. She is 65 , I am 70, our sex life died several years ago. Before that happened I was always getting my final pleasure at the end. I had wants for sexual intimacy and desires but settled satisfying her needs first. Foreplay was one sided. Don't get me wrong I loved performing all the sexual acts on her. But my wants beyond intercourse.... I indicated earlier we will being getting back togather. We are seeing therapist, but not a sex therapist. The marriage is the priority. The bedroom likely will be a compromise. My fear is she will become a duty sex partner. The fear is from things she is saying and doing the last week after our last visit from therapist. She wants to put our failure of a past sex life on her shoulders. I stated earlier, we are senior citizens. Not 20 year olds with a died sex life needing jump started. I do not want a duty sex partner. I want a enjoyable bed partner who will join me in satisfying each other's need in the marriage 💑 and in the bed room. I will ask my Lord to open my heart to hear His Guidance. I will see if her and I can discuss this issue at our next session with therapist. I am curious if my issue applies what you presented in you pod cast. I have followed you after she filed for divorce. If we can talk I hope it will be off public forum . If you can offer guidance please follow my link to talk. I think you can click my Lord's image if you can get back to me. If not, God will link us up. Until keep Pat and I in your prayers Thanks Larry ( I DID NOT PROOF READ)
When they say duty…. We’ll is sounds like doodie you know the kids word for 💩… and that is what will happen to your sex life…. Dr Doug is wonderful… Early in my marriage this was an issue. Praise the Lord we worked on it and things are much better.
I pray for God to help me in this area. I ask Holy Spirit to empower me to do His will regarding my husband’s needs. And I find that (especially when hormones have a say) I can be pretty selfish with my body and emotions. In those times, sometimes God will give me dreams nudging me to engage with my husband. They are convicting and gentle. And sometimes God will give me a compassion for my husband (when I’d normally be annoyed). If I am yielded to Holy Spirit, he can help me be emotionally and physically present when my hormones are not okay with sex-and even give me to strength to invite my husband into sex. When my hormones are moving toward my monthly, I can go without for 3 weeks. I ask The Lord to grow me.
This stuff is awesome but I’m my house my wife doesn’t want sex nor does she want to talk about it. EVER. She just gets mad and resentful. And yes I’ve tried to no avail. I love her and will be with her through anything and I think she feels the same way but what do I do?
Iv been here as a wife. Continue to be curious. If you have ever implied that she needs to put out for you and sex is about you and not her, I’d advise you apologize. Start with “ I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like you needed to have sex with me whether or not you felt like it.” See if that opens her up. Be curious and whatever you do, do not be defensive even if she is! She may have some serious wounds you are unaware of. If she has young children she is likely touched out and exhausted. Pray for her and help her in the home- consistently, from the heart. That has a huge impact on a wife’s desire. Make sure you are a safe place, let her share emotionally with it fixing her, just validate her. Women’s libidos are directly charged by emotional connection. Make sure to ask if she has ever felt violated by you (unintentionally or someone else). I hope this helps!
@@Ashleemariee89 thank you. When I have talked to her I never made it about me. We have no children. We couldn’t have any and that’s when it went downhill. I cook and clean the house. I also clean up the place and pay for a cleaning company to come clean our home. I’ve prayed for 25 years for this to change. So where did I go wrong. Even if I ask her, she will say I’ve done nothing wrong and that I’m a great husband. I’m sure your gonna suggest counseling but she WILL NOT go. Please with these things in mind help.
@@blainetrahan8883 ~ I applaud you for your faithfulness and keeping your vows to love, honor and cherish your wife. I wish I had helpful advice to give to you, but, as you said she would reject counseling, suggesting going to a sex therapist would not help her. Perhaps it would help you though.
This is an important topic. What starts as duty sex turns into no sex, especially when the partner refuses to discuss it. This destroys a marriage and results in two lonely and discouraged people. It is a marriage that doesn't glorify God.
ATTN ADMIN: I've reported one porn post from this video. Just letting you know. Check your other videos too. I've reported porn on several of your videos in the last month or so. I have emailed you as well but I don't get a response.
Here’s my comments on women not wanting sex.. not men as I’m a guy -men wake up everyday and go to work for 8 hours for his family. Drive there and back. And women complain about 5 minutes of sex? -women say. Well he doesn’t put me in the mood. Do u put your husband in the mood to go to work for you everyday?
If it takes only 5 minutes that shows a great lack of concern about her and her needs. Foreplay is especially important for women to enjoy sex. And yes, he absolutely is responsible for making her feel loved and wanted, not always sexually either. Always appreciated. Five minutes says, "It's all about me and you don't matter." I've heard this called "masturbation with a partner." It's the difference between making love and just having sex. Without attention to her needs it is only having sex, which should not be the goal. Physical intimacy isn't only about the man's orgasm, it's supposed to draw married people closer together in a very special way emotionally as well. Instead of being your precious wife she becomes just a receptacle. Who could blame her for not wanting to be a receptacle? You're supposed to LOVE HER.
Women work everyday as well. Whether he's single or married. He still has to work therefore he's not working for his wife. He's working because he's an adult. Your logic and 5 minute sex is what causes duty sex, which leads to no sex at all. Good luck with that.
A woman getting in the mood is a choice by the woman. She doesn't need the husband to do that for her. But she can choose to not to be in the mood when he gets home. Yes, both people work but marriage involves sex and that has to be balanced into the marriage. If that wasn't part of her plan being married to a man then she should move on to a man who is castrated or very old.
What will happen to the relationship in a long run if both spouses are watching porn as their way to spice up the relationship? Is it a sin when it’s consensual? We live on earth and have our needs and sex is one of those created by God for people. Is there a deep down is totally wrong in a spiritual aroma between two spouses?
The written word is difficult as there are no voice inflections or facial expressions to help convey the meaning of the words, so I want to say I speak in all gentleness and Christian love....In my opinion, desire between a couple should not need a boost from watching others have sex. Please study about the harmful effects porn has on the brain. The only difference between one of the couple watching porn or both being a sin is the number of people who are participating in that sin. In effect, they are bringing other people into the marriage bed, which is supposed to be undefiled. However, it is not an unforgivable sin. God did create sex, but not porn. Many in the porn business are drug-addicted so they use the money for drugs. Some are being trafficked by others. Some have low self-esteem and think this is the only way they can get attention. They are someone's daughters or sisters. When they give their lives to Jesus they leave the porn industry. Ex-porn star Joshua Broome is now a pastor. Some helpful links: www.christianpost.com/news/ex-porn-star-turned-pastor-unveils-alarming-warning.html This is the link to his testimony: ua-cam.com/video/WqPglqhDXBQ/v-deo.html Something Christians should ask themselves: Would you watch porn with Jesus in the room?
Thank you so much. I didn’t put much emotion into my first message but please pray for me, my marriage is in big trouble 🙏🏻 I think it’s because I willingly opened the door to a sin. It is really hard now to close that door and get clean. Right now he is blaming me for destroying the family. He doesn’t feel loved and respected. Right now we are completely don’t understand each other in every area of life and cannot stand each other. I think it’s because we let sin to get between us. He thinks if I would be right with him (my husband) respecting him how Bible teaches we wouldn’t be in this situation. He says now I found porn to blame for my wrong actions just so I can come out all innocent and don’t have to apologize for my wrong doings. For what I did to disrespect him I apologize and try to do better, he doesn’t see it. I am crying a lot I understand it doesn’t make things better but I can’t do anything. I am not trying to shift the blame but I feel like sin is killing us, at least it is killing me spiritually. Please pray for me 🙏🏻
Oh I’m sorry I deleted the email after I read it. But I can still see your reply in the comments here. Thank you for praying for me. I don’t have fb but thank you.
According to the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7 there is a such thing as (marital-duty sex). Jimmy Evans shares good info about this.. There are (certain times) that you do it out of obedience to God's word and love for your spouse and the marriage to keep the devil from bringing temptation in the marriage. It's God's word. It says not to defraud each other, which means do it even when you don't want to. I think God knows best because He knows us. There are so many things in the Bible that God asks us to do that we do out of love and obedience to Him even if we don't feel like doing it or want to do it. Having sex with your spouse when you don't want to do it is no different. It's an act of love and obedience to God. I know sex is deeper than just being physical and you do want to be connected emotionally and not be selfish thinking only about your own needs but the Bible says what God expects us to do. God obviously knows us and He knows that we get upset with our spouses and we feel tired sometimes and we get busy with life yet His word never changes and when we obey regardless of how we feel and we are (doers of the word) and not hearers only God will bless us.
the bible is simple, your long winded answers are not... your husband can have the self control but he is not the yardstick for all men. if a husband wants it 7 days a week and the wife only once, they are going to have to compromise or the marriage dies, the man can be understanding but not that understanding. Sex is a need that maturity won't kill. I know many women who yielded to duty sex "cheerfully" (not reluctantly nor resentful) and in the process testify that they ended up liking it more. What started out of sheer obedience to God's word and sacrificial love yielded an unexpected reward.
Do you really think it is your privilege as a Christian to insult people? I feel sorry for you if you do. Yes, it's complicated when it is examined, but nobody made you read it. (Btw: sex is not a need necessary for life like food, water and breathing. It is a want. Teenagers, singles and widows are expected by God to refrain from sex. It may not be easy for some but it doesn't kill them.) Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, and to be cultivated to form a good Christian character. Patience (or long-suffering) is too. Selfishness is not. Your assertion doesn't match up with a survey of 20,000 Christian women. We can't demand people to love. Jesus is our yardstick and He was celibate. I'm not going to hold your attitude against you. I'll stop here so you can't say it is a long-winded response.
If a husband does not know the subtle art of seduction his wife won't be inclined to be intimate with him very often. That could be the problem with Mr. Every Day and Mrs. Once-a-Week. For example: Let's say a wife is washing dishes. If hubby just grabs a boob and tells her he expects sex there is no seduction to make the wife feel loved rather than convenient. Instead, he could gently place his hands on her shoulders from behind, slowly run his fingers down her arms and wrap his arms around her, which playfully pins her arms while he sneaks in a sensuous kiss on her neck. That will make her laugh if they have a good relationship. Then he can slide his hand up to caress her breast while hugging her. She may even lean in for a kiss. Then he gets the dishtowel and helps her finish the dishes. That scenario does not need to directly lead to the bedroom but just shows her he loves her and she is desirable. He has to time his gentle touches throughout the day, which are not necessarily sensual, so she doesn't feel pawed. It could be 2-3 days of this playful and thoughtful affection before he seduces her. Her heart will turn toward him because he is making her feel loved and cherished, which engages her emotionally. Then they will make love and not just have duty sex. That's the difference.
I pray for God to help me in this area. I ask Holy Spirit to empower me to do His will regarding my husband’s needs. And I find that (especially when hormones have a say) I can be pretty selfish with my body and emotions. In those times, sometimes God will give me dreams nudging me to engage with my husband. They are convicting and gentle. And sometimes God will give me a compassion for my husband (when I’d normally be annoyed). If I am yielded to Holy Spirit, he can help me be emotionally and physically present when my hormones are not okay with sex-and even give me to strength to invite my husband into sex. When my hormones are moving toward my monthly, I can go without for 3 weeks. I ask The Lord to grow me.
When my husband started working out of town almost three years ago we began talking to each other over the phone more than we ever had since we were married. We have grown even more close and been able to work out some issues regarding our love life. I have learned to truly appreciate him ☺️
I'm surprised by how evenly you dealt with this topic because Jimmy Evans teaches duty sex. I've heard him say that it doesn't matter how the woman feels she needs to take care of her husband's sexual needs, that she should be more sexual than she feels like. I think that's dangerous to a marriage because it is unbalanced. I've been married for 42 years. When I told my husband about this teaching he looked incredulous. He'd never heard of such an outrageous concept. Taking the Bible verse about belonging to each other to the point of each person having no say over their own body is extreme. We belong to each other through marriage and therefore cannot give our bodies to other people. That is yielding it to their spouse. It is extreme to take that to mean husbands and wives have no authority over his/her own body to the extent that they must do as their spouse wants no matter how they feel about it. My husband is a mature man, not a monster who must have his every sexual whim/thought/urge/feeling to be indulged. He wants me to be emotionally engaged and would rather wait until we are both emotionally engaged. The reverse is true. When I say not-now-dear-ask-me-later it is NOT A REJECTION OF HIM AS A MAN and he knows it. He has more self-confidence than to believe that. His ego is not fragile. My husband says the idea of duty sex (aka sex-on-demand) makes the wife into a kind of sex slave, having to have sex whether she wants to or not. This is the difference between having sex and making love. To make love both people have to be emotionally engaged, not one doing it because the other one insists it is their right to demand it. (As Christians, we're supposed to have self-control.) I'm so glad my husband is a mature man. He says the LAST THING HE WANTS is duty sex. He said if the top 5 needs of a woman are met the sex will come naturally.
"As Christians we are to have SELF control" loved that addition ☺️
According to the Bible both spouses are supposed to be willing to have sex even if they don't want to, to not defraud each other. Jimmy Evans is biblically correct when he says this. (I'm not talking about serious issues such as health issues).That's God's word. There are plenty of things that God asks us to do in the Bible that we may not want to do but out of obedience to Him and love for Him we do it. Sex with your spouse is no different. It's obeying God and showing that you love your spouse because you're putting their needs above your own. God is very specific about this and the scripture actually says in 1 Corinthians 7 that when we obey God in this way it will keep us from being tempted by the devil because of our lack of sexual intimacy. So yes there is a such thing as (marital-duty sex) according to the Bible.
@@Godchaserforever1973 ~ My understanding of not defrauding each other is not to use sex as a weapon, or punishment. That is straight from the devil. I do not see these verses in the same way as Jimmy Evans does. There are a lot of Christians who don't agree with his interpretation. Look up Sheila Wray Gregiore's videos and podcasts. She is amazing, and a Christian. Her husband participates too. My husband would not ever want me to engage with him sexually without me wanting to. We've been married 42 years. He's never been tempted to stray because he will wait for me to be emotionally engaged so we can make love rather than just have sex. A woman feels used if she's staring at the ceiling waiting for him to finish. That's not making love; it is selfishness. A husband should love his wife enough to consider her feelings above his own. That is both loving and honoring her, as he pledged to in their wedding vows, because he cherishes her. We're deeply in love and can't wait to see each other when he gets home from work even after 44 years together. We are completely wound around each other. All of this without duty sex. He says duty sex is a totally foreign concept to him. His sense of masculinity is not dependent on sexual intimacy because he is a mature man, not selfish. He does not pout on the rare occasion in which we both aren't able to. There is always a real reason, not an excuse, on both of our parts when one of us says not-right-now-dear-ask-me-later. We don't feel unloved. We've never felt disconnected, not even when he was in a terrible car accident and spent 3 months in the hospital and nursing facilities and two months recuperating while he learned to walk again. We were only able to see each other once because of the distance, but we were in contact several times a day. Our hearts are connected with or without sexual intimacy. I read this to my husband and he said of the last sentence, "Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?"
People take the word of God to mean what they want it to because the don't want to be obedient to God. It's not a mystery, you don't have authority over your own body. It's simple to interpret but hard to obey.
@@dbaird8784 I do not think it is fair for you to judge who wants to be obedient to God and who does not, just because there is a difference of interpretation of Scripture. God alone knows our hearts and intentions. My husband gives me autonomy under, of course, loyalty to him. I have chronic pain/illness, which affects everything I do, but even if I didn't he wouldn't expect me to do anything I didn't want to do at that moment. Did you notice I said "on the rare occasions" this happens? Meaning, of course, it happens rarely, and is usually pain-related or muscle weakness-related. I have MS, which affects my ability to walk and stand as well as affecting my stamina + an advanced case of fibromyalgia of 47 years. It gets worse over time, which means I live at a 4-6 on the pain scale after medication EVERY SINGLE DAY. I could certainly reasonably refuse sexual intimacy often for that reason alone, but I don't. He respects me, loves me, honors me and cherishes me, and I feel the same way for him. God has blessed us with a rock solid marriage of 42 years plus more years if it is according to His will. He would not bless us if we were disobedient nor would we expect Him to. What we do is between God and us and He blesses us. May God bless you as well. I believe you are sincere but you have no right to judge.
I’m a woman you also need to feel wanted before and afterwards, I wouldn’t mind intimacy but don’t make me feel like trash afterwards and days later. I would have more desire if the spouse showed better approach and love. Thank you both!🙏🏽
Same here.
Same here as well. I don't want to be just a bed buddy.
My husband talks and looks at other girls bodies, it discussed me and always snooty, running and putting me down. I don't want to be intimate with him
He yells and screams and out of control, than he wants sex,when this happens every day.i feel like he compares me to other women, I dont even want him looking at my body because of that.he says he believes in jesus but other than that,hes an old man pervert. Just like the perverts I always talk bad about.it discusses me
@@tinalab7682 wow, very familiar! If your a prayer, let’s continue to pray for our spouse👏🏽🙏🏽
@@gorgeouswales9635 I have and I will,
God bless you
Resentment in other areas of the relationship can also cause your sex life to become duty sex.
Your podcast is truly amazing. You guys hit the rough issues/taboo issues that need to be talked about. And you bring to light so many things! God bless you both!
Duty sex is only a symptom of a deeper problem. Expecting someone to “Now be intimate and have all the feels” is infuriating.
💯
Scar tissue internally can cause intimacy to be extremely painful and feel like rape. Not a gift when that is the situation.
There are many paths one can take in intimacy. Penis in vagina is only one path. If one experiences pain during PIV then choose another type of sex.
"He just get on top of me and do his business". Color purple
If a husband or wife will be like that then you might as well resort to self-gratification.
The suggestion to overcoming duty sex is communication, but how do you do that when tiur husband continues to ingore your request and say that your are crazy and that other women like how he acts and he has options. How do you communicate with someone who is not willing to see your perspective of values your feelings. I just have sex out of duty and I have tried to communicate my feelings to my spouse. I tried of hearing that I am crazy for feeling the way I feel.
Someone once said , sex starts in the kitchen . You have to warm up before you get there so that you don’t feel like you’re having sex with a stranger . Intimacy should also be constant . Not from time to time. I need to follow my own advice .
Only children confuse a married husband or wife with a stranger. If she or he can't understand that they are married to a man or woman that they themselves chose then the martiage was over a long time ago. Time to find a new spouse who has matured to adulthood.
What do you do when your wife won't put down her phone long enough to have this conversation? We do the "hurry up and get it overwith" thing less than once a month, and she also ignores all of my attempts to connect with her in nonsexual ways. She also uses the "too tired" excuse all the time even though I do way more housework and child care than she does.
Wow man, that's tough!
Since she's so wrapped up in her phone. I'd say text it to her.🤷🏿♀️ that should definitely get her attention.
@@essiethebestie1 Tried that. Didn't help.
@@EnemyAce88 Try the heart to heart conversion. Let her know how you're feeling and that there needs to be a change.
@@demetriusmurch I've done that. No change.
For me, communication can also impact sex. If we haven’t talked all day-or only talked about work and kids-I’m wondering if all we have between us is sex. I want to dream and pray and laugh together. It seems like none of that is a factor in why or when my husband wants sex. I just don’t work that way.
And this a very common immature problem that women have. He is still married to you, just because he hasn't talked to today doesn't mean he stopped loving you or wants to leave the marriage. So don't take that as a rejection. Have more self confidence in your self.
Isn't duty sex caused by the man not fulfilling the emotional needs of the woman? Clinical phycologists will say that 80% of divorces are caused by male attraction issues. When they stop courting her and settle in after the catch, she is abandoned to an extent.
Paul tells the husband to love the wife like Crist loved the Church. He uses the word agape which is impossible for a human to achieve. This is why we add "so help me God" after the vows. If he is not learning from God, he cannot show the love she needs to continue. And this plays into sex as he loses sight of his goal to achieve the balance needed for both of them. His desire is more physical and his focus is mostly directed to the 15-minute run which dose very little for her need of a four-hour time frame with a more full body agenda. He does not understand or reach any sense of achievement in her eyes.
My husband says if the top 5 needs of a woman are met the sex will come naturally. (there are exceptions, but most)
The husband can only connect and take care of his wife emotionally if her emotional needs are mature and within reason. 80% of divorces are caused my unreasonable and unrealistic emotional needs and expectations from the wife. Once she takes the time to exclude unrealism from her life and makes a genuine effort to connect with her husband sexually then the emotional efforts from the husband become plenty for her and enjoyable for both. The marriage can can now move forward in happiness.
If you are told to do something in the bible, you are empowered to do it
Sometimes the wife wants it more. I know my wife does, but I don't mind one bit!
I’m not even familiar with whatever Duty sex is…. 🙈 My husband and I always find a way to meet one another’s needs. ❤️
It is sex-on-demand, no matter how the other spouse feels at the time, emotionally and sometimes also physically.
@@melodykubiak5850 Sounds weird…. Why not take the moment to get your souse in the mood? Foreplay and passion go hand in hand. Quickies are fine but to feel like a duty just seems odd. I guess it’s the word that throws me off. “Duty”.
Lucky I must say. Not all are so lucky.
How do we send y’all emails? I have some questions that I’d rather not air here.
I don't think they ever read the comments. I have no idea how to contact them directly.
@@Rancid-Jane I wonder about that too. I've posted alerts to the admins that porn links are being added to the comments on multiple videos on their site and have had no response. I've emailed them about it and no response. You'd think that would be important on a Christian site. I've been able to report the porn links and delete them in the past, but the one on this thread keeps coming back when I refresh the page. No matter how many times I try it keeps coming back. UA-cam is nearly impossible to contact to tell them about it.
If you have questions or something you would like us to address on the podcast, you can fill out the form at the bottom of this page: xomarriage.com/thenakedmarriage
I guess the links I suggested were forbidden. I see they have been deleted.
@@Rancid-Jane ~ I've had trouble with that too, though some of my posts which do not include links or my email address have been deleted automatically as well. Even posts mentioning Facebook have been deleted. I think it is a problem with UA-cam.
Does what you say apply to a 49 year old marriage. When we come back together, (currently separated with divorce papers on a lawyer's desk and living apart), compromise our sex life?
What your describing, "duty sex" is indirectly describing my feelings in bed.
She is 65 , I am 70, our sex life died several years ago. Before that happened I was always getting my final pleasure at the end. I had wants for sexual intimacy and desires but settled satisfying her needs first. Foreplay was one sided. Don't get me wrong I loved performing all the sexual acts on her. But my wants beyond intercourse....
I indicated earlier we will being getting back togather. We are seeing therapist, but not a sex therapist. The marriage is the priority. The bedroom likely will be a compromise. My fear is she will become a duty sex partner. The fear is from things she is saying and doing the last week after our last visit from therapist. She wants to put our failure of a past sex life on her shoulders. I stated earlier, we are senior citizens. Not 20 year olds with a died sex life needing jump started. I do not want a duty sex partner. I want a enjoyable bed partner who will join me in satisfying each other's need in the marriage 💑 and in the bed room.
I will ask my Lord to open my heart to hear His Guidance. I will see if her and I can discuss this issue at our next session with therapist.
I am curious if my issue applies what you presented in you pod cast. I have followed you after she filed for divorce. If we can talk I hope it will be off public forum . If you can offer guidance please follow my link to talk. I think you can click my Lord's image if you can get back to me. If not, God will link us up. Until keep Pat and I in your prayers
Thanks
Larry
( I DID NOT PROOF READ)
You are a mature man, like my husband. I admire you for that.
Hi how can I get in touch with you guys for counseling for marriage?
Please visit xomarriage.com/marriage-help/
When they say duty…. We’ll is sounds like doodie you know the kids word for 💩… and that is what will happen to your sex life…. Dr Doug is wonderful…
Early in my marriage this was an issue. Praise the Lord we worked on it and things are much better.
I pray for God to help me in this area. I ask Holy Spirit to empower me to do His will regarding my husband’s needs. And I find that (especially when hormones have a say) I can be pretty selfish with my body and emotions. In those times, sometimes God will give me dreams nudging me to engage with my husband. They are convicting and gentle. And sometimes God will give me a compassion for my husband (when I’d normally be annoyed). If I am yielded to Holy Spirit, he can help me be emotionally and physically present when my hormones are not okay with sex-and even give me to strength to invite my husband into sex. When my hormones are moving toward my monthly, I can go without for 3 weeks. I ask The Lord to grow me.
This stuff is awesome but I’m my house my wife doesn’t want sex nor does she want to talk about it. EVER. She just gets mad and resentful. And yes I’ve tried to no avail. I love her and will be with her through anything and I think she feels the same way but what do I do?
Iv been here as a wife. Continue to be curious. If you have ever implied that she needs to put out for you and sex is about you and not her, I’d advise you apologize. Start with “ I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like you needed to have sex with me whether or not you felt like it.” See if that opens her up. Be curious and whatever you do, do not be defensive even if she is! She may have some serious wounds you are unaware of. If she has young children she is likely touched out and exhausted. Pray for her and help her in the home- consistently, from the heart. That has a huge impact on a wife’s desire. Make sure you are a safe place, let her share emotionally with it fixing her, just validate her. Women’s libidos are directly charged by emotional connection. Make sure to ask if she has ever felt violated by you (unintentionally or someone else). I hope this helps!
Make sure she knows sex with you is you wanting to connect with her and not just a “warm body” as they said here.
@@Ashleemariee89 thank you. When I have talked to her I never made it about me. We have no children. We couldn’t have any and that’s when it went downhill. I cook and clean the house. I also clean up the place and pay for a cleaning company to come clean our home. I’ve prayed for 25 years for this to change. So where did I go wrong. Even if I ask her, she will say I’ve done nothing wrong and that I’m a great husband. I’m sure your gonna suggest counseling but she WILL NOT go. Please with these things in mind help.
@@blainetrahan8883 ~ I applaud you for your faithfulness and keeping your vows to love, honor and cherish your wife. I wish I had helpful advice to give to you, but, as you said she would reject counseling, suggesting going to a sex therapist would not help her. Perhaps it would help you though.
@@melodykubiak5850 that’s a thought. I’m going to hunt down a therapist for myself. Thank you so much for your help. It’s really appreciated.
This is an important topic. What starts as duty sex turns into no sex, especially when the partner refuses to discuss it. This destroys a marriage and results in two lonely and discouraged people. It is a marriage that doesn't glorify God.
ATTN ADMIN: I've reported one porn post from this video. Just letting you know. Check your other videos too. I've reported porn on several of your videos in the last month or so. I have emailed you as well but I don't get a response.
Thank you melody for bringing this to our attention. We have reported them.
@@XOMarriage Thanks for responding. Do you want porn links reported to you or would you rather see if you run across them yourselves?
Do you even know what porn is? This is counseling!
Here’s my comments on women not wanting sex.. not men as I’m a guy
-men wake up everyday and go to work for 8 hours for his family. Drive there and back. And women complain about 5 minutes of sex?
-women say. Well he doesn’t put me in the mood. Do u put your husband in the mood to go to work for you everyday?
If it takes only 5 minutes that shows a great lack of concern about her and her needs. Foreplay is especially important for women to enjoy sex. And yes, he absolutely is responsible for making her feel loved and wanted, not always sexually either. Always appreciated. Five minutes says, "It's all about me and you don't matter." I've heard this called "masturbation with a partner." It's the difference between making love and just having sex. Without attention to her needs it is only having sex, which should not be the goal. Physical intimacy isn't only about the man's orgasm, it's supposed to draw married people closer together in a very special way emotionally as well. Instead of being your precious wife she becomes just a receptacle. Who could blame her for not wanting to be a receptacle? You're supposed to LOVE HER.
Women work everyday as well. Whether he's single or married. He still has to work therefore he's not working for his wife. He's working because he's an adult.
Your logic and 5 minute sex is what causes duty sex, which leads to no sex at all. Good luck with that.
A woman getting in the mood is a choice by the woman. She doesn't need the husband to do that for her. But she can choose to not to be in the mood when he gets home. Yes, both people work but marriage involves sex and that has to be balanced into the marriage. If that wasn't part of her plan being married to a man then she should move on to a man who is castrated or very old.
What will happen to the relationship in a long run if both spouses are watching porn as their way to spice up the relationship? Is it a sin when it’s consensual?
We live on earth and have our needs and sex is one of those created by God for people. Is there a deep down is totally wrong in a spiritual aroma between two spouses?
The written word is difficult as there are no voice inflections or facial expressions to help convey the meaning of the words, so I want to say I speak in all gentleness and Christian love....In my opinion, desire between a couple should not need a boost from watching others have sex. Please study about the harmful effects porn has on the brain. The only difference between one of the couple watching porn or both being a sin is the number of people who are participating in that sin. In effect, they are bringing other people into the marriage bed, which is supposed to be undefiled. However, it is not an unforgivable sin. God did create sex, but not porn. Many in the porn business are drug-addicted so they use the money for drugs. Some are being trafficked by others. Some have low self-esteem and think this is the only way they can get attention. They are someone's daughters or sisters. When they give their lives to Jesus they leave the porn industry. Ex-porn star Joshua Broome is now a pastor. Some helpful links: www.christianpost.com/news/ex-porn-star-turned-pastor-unveils-alarming-warning.html This is the link to his testimony: ua-cam.com/video/WqPglqhDXBQ/v-deo.html Something Christians should ask themselves: Would you watch porn with Jesus in the room?
Thank you so much. I didn’t put much emotion into my first message but please pray for me, my marriage is in big trouble 🙏🏻
I think it’s because I willingly opened the door to a sin. It is really hard now to close that door and get clean. Right now he is blaming me for destroying the family. He doesn’t feel loved and respected. Right now we are completely don’t understand each other in every area of life and cannot stand each other. I think it’s because we let sin to get between us.
He thinks if I would be right with him (my husband) respecting him how Bible teaches we wouldn’t be in this situation. He says now I found porn to blame for my wrong actions just so I can come out all innocent and don’t have to apologize for my wrong doings. For what I did to disrespect him I apologize and try to do better, he doesn’t see it. I am crying a lot I understand it doesn’t make things better but I can’t do anything.
I am not trying to shift the blame but I feel like sin is killing us, at least it is killing me spiritually.
Please pray for me 🙏🏻
Oh I’m sorry I deleted the email after I read it. But I can still see your reply in the comments here. Thank you for praying for me. I don’t have fb but thank you.
I deleted email notifications form UA-cam about a reply. It’s weird I can’t see your new replies now.
But thank you for praying for me.
@@ID-zb9cn for destroying the family?... What did you do? Did you cheat?
According to the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7 there is a such thing as (marital-duty sex). Jimmy Evans shares good info about this.. There are (certain times) that you do it out of obedience to God's word and love for your spouse and the marriage to keep the devil from bringing temptation in the marriage. It's God's word. It says not to defraud each other, which means do it even when you don't want to. I think God knows best because He knows us. There are so many things in the Bible that God asks us to do that we do out of love and obedience to Him even if we don't feel like doing it or want to do it. Having sex with your spouse when you don't want to do it is no different. It's an act of love and obedience to God. I know sex is deeper than just being physical and you do want to be connected emotionally and not be selfish thinking only about your own needs but the Bible says what God expects us to do. God obviously knows us and He knows that we get upset with our spouses and we feel tired sometimes and we get busy with life yet His word never changes and when we obey regardless of how we feel and we are (doers of the word) and not hearers only God will bless us.
the bible is simple, your long winded answers are not... your husband can have the self control but he is not the yardstick for all men. if a husband wants it 7 days a week and the wife only once, they are going to have to compromise or the marriage dies, the man can be understanding but not that understanding. Sex is a need that maturity won't kill.
I know many women who yielded to duty sex "cheerfully" (not reluctantly nor resentful) and in the process testify that they ended up liking it more. What started out of sheer obedience to God's word and sacrificial love yielded an unexpected reward.
Do you really think it is your privilege as a Christian to insult people? I feel sorry for you if you do. Yes, it's complicated when it is examined, but nobody made you read it. (Btw: sex is not a need necessary for life like food, water and breathing. It is a want. Teenagers, singles and widows are expected by God to refrain from sex. It may not be easy for some but it doesn't kill them.) Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, and to be cultivated to form a good Christian character. Patience (or long-suffering) is too. Selfishness is not. Your assertion doesn't match up with a survey of 20,000 Christian women. We can't demand people to love. Jesus is our yardstick and He was celibate. I'm not going to hold your attitude against you. I'll stop here so you can't say it is a long-winded response.
If a husband does not know the subtle art of seduction his wife won't be inclined to be intimate with him very often. That could be the problem with Mr. Every Day and Mrs. Once-a-Week. For example: Let's say a wife is washing dishes. If hubby just grabs a boob and tells her he expects sex there is no seduction to make the wife feel loved rather than convenient. Instead, he could gently place his hands on her shoulders from behind, slowly run his fingers down her arms and wrap his arms around her, which playfully pins her arms while he sneaks in a sensuous kiss on her neck. That will make her laugh if they have a good relationship. Then he can slide his hand up to caress her breast while hugging her. She may even lean in for a kiss. Then he gets the dishtowel and helps her finish the dishes. That scenario does not need to directly lead to the bedroom but just shows her he loves her and she is desirable. He has to time his gentle touches throughout the day, which are not necessarily sensual, so she doesn't feel pawed. It could be 2-3 days of this playful and thoughtful affection before he seduces her. Her heart will turn toward him because he is making her feel loved and cherished, which engages her emotionally. Then they will make love and not just have duty sex. That's the difference.
Sex is not a need, it's a desire.
Yeah... just whip out your Bible and show the verses to your wife and that will fix everything. Let us know how that works out for you.
@@hereiam587 whats a need?
I pray for God to help me in this area. I ask Holy Spirit to empower me to do His will regarding my husband’s needs. And I find that (especially when hormones have a say) I can be pretty selfish with my body and emotions. In those times, sometimes God will give me dreams nudging me to engage with my husband. They are convicting and gentle. And sometimes God will give me a compassion for my husband (when I’d normally be annoyed). If I am yielded to Holy Spirit, he can help me be emotionally and physically present when my hormones are not okay with sex-and even give me to strength to invite my husband into sex. When my hormones are moving toward my monthly, I can go without for 3 weeks. I ask The Lord to grow me.