I left the milonga crying...
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- Опубліковано 22 лют 2024
- Hey tango dancer - are you based in the US? 🇺🇸
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Has this ever happened to you?
You get all excited and passionate about tango dancing. Your mind’s spinning with all the exciting steps, intimate connection and beautiful music there is to discover…👣
But as soon as you arrive in the milonga… you get intimidated. You’re stuck in your head thinking instead of being in the flow of the music. You’re worried about “getting it right”, and it steals the joy of dancing! Plus, sometimes you’re not dancing as much as you’d like and it’s so frustrating!
Very tempting to throw in the towel, isn’t it?
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Dear Anne,
Is that possible for the teachers to remind the more experienced tango dances that all of us has been a beginner one day and to ask someone to dance can really inspire us to continue and feel more supported. I’ve been dancing for about 6 months and I feel that I don’t dance well and it’s really frustrating.
There was someone that criticised my dancing but I didn’t allow it to put me off. I used that experience to practice more and more!
I love your videos and watch them every day.
Thank you so much for your and Pablo generosity.
I’m planning to attend your classes in London. I’ll practice a bit more before I go.
🥰🥰🥰
I have 2 GFs who actually warned me before I got into Tango. Don't do it they said! You'll spend all this money on clothes and lessons and never get asked to dance! They had been dancing Tango for 20 years and were getting up in age. That's what their experience is now. Neither one took it as seriously as I am about training privately with an instructor, but after 20 years they are pretty good, much better than many of the young women who dance every tanda. Yet they don't get asked much.
As others have suggested here, I think there are things that can be done to correct this problem. First, let me give you an example.
Last night, I accepted a milonga with a friend whom I knew to be a good lead, musical and playful. It doesn't train seriously, but has taken tango classes fairly often for a number of years now. He can hold his own. He's a good clear leader with quality movement. It was the highlight of my night.
Later that night I was sitting next to a young woman who is a decent dancer, nothing great, but nothing wrong with her dancing either. While I got left behind or only asked after there were hardly any follows left to choose from, I'll call them leftovers, she got asked every single dance.
The leader I mentioned came up to ask for dance. It was a large room and could not effectively cabaceo her is why he did that. She turned him down and was actually somewhat irate that he put her on the spot like that. Then proceeded to tell me his posture is not good. He bends over. He doesn't come to classes. He needs to be better.
And I'm a bit in shock because I had so much fun with him! I couldn't help but think that by being picky you could actually be limiting your enjoyment. Yes, I would say if you looked at that leader and judge him by his posture, you may think he was a bad dancer. But I'm a strong enough dancer that I can hold my own. I don't need perfection. Looks aren't everything. Feel is. And by feel, I don't mean physical l feel. I'm talking about feeling and expressing to the music. Our tanda together was heavenly.
So back to what can be done about this problem. From my example, oftentimes, it can just be sampling the crowd. There may be magic lurking in unexpected places. So how can we get that sampling to happen?
How about a snowball where the music stops and leaders are instructed to turn clockwise, followers counter clockwise and pick up a partner closest to them.
Or what about beginners given the chance to ask whomever they want for one dance only?
Or how about give all the followers a little clip-on ribbon or wristband when they arrive. Then the leaders get to take that ribbon when they ask them to dance. The one with the most ribbons at the end of the night wins a prize like free entry to the next class and milonga. The more popular followers will run out of ribbons very quickly.
And, finally (because I'm running out of ideas), every hour have a 1-dance "tanda." This is where you are encouraged to dance with a beginner or someone at a lower level than you. At some west coast swing conventions, the organizers have you wear wristbands that identify you by level. Because they know it's only one dance, and because the organizers make a big deal out of helping and encouraging others, even the champion dancers are very happy to help.
This helpful, supportive attitude is completely missing in practice at Tango events. I've tried to get several of my WCS friends to try Tango. They've all had bad experiences and say they want nothing to do with that type of environment.
I know everything I suggest here goes against the traditional Tango culture, but maybe it's time for change.
When I am at major Tango Milongas and Festivals, I ask a lady to dance. At 65 years old, they assume that I am an experienced dancer, but they find out while dancing with me that I am mediocre at best with limited agility, mobility, and coordination issues. It disappoints them, and they do not put effort into their dancing, dancing like zombies at times. I feed off their energy whike dancing, and that hi ders my movement abilities even more.
Afterwards, I see the ladies dancing with others, and see them full of energy dancing with a smile on their faces doing more decorations and more complex dance moves. Yes, it is partly because of the leader leading them, but the feeling of helplessness of not being able to move like many of them out there.
I know the feeling..
I have been dancing Tango( or more accurately , my form of tango) for 8 months. No previous dancing experience at all. It’s frightening at the beginning for both leaders like me and followers. I’m in tango nappies I know, but at the weekly practilonga I am now more experienced than new joiners and I absolutely love taking them for a walk or elementary dance, it is so satisfying to see a lady smile when she feels that she has done something right . When I was an absolute beginner I was crushed a couple of times, one lady in particular telling me that she wasn’t there to help me learn. The irony is, I’m way beyond her now and she is a terrible follower (not my words) but if I I see her at a Milonga I always ask her to dance. We clunk round, she apologises, and I just smile and say we will get it right next time. I started enjoying tango when I started not caring about making mistakes. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to improve, but I simply mustn’t let negativity creep into my game. I’m lucky, I have fantastic instructors who also dance with everyone at the practilongas, so we all get to experience how it should feel. No lady should be left all night at a Milonga without a dance, but at my level I am still petrified of asking. Lots of car crashes, I know it’s my fault because I’m so inexperienced, but lots of tandas to remember as well with wonderful followers who didn’t look down on me. Yet still I’m so scared. There might yet come a time though when I leave a Milonga crying.
Wow. I want to dance with you. :) This is the right attitude. As for your car crashes, read my comment. That magical tanda I had was not without a couple of crashes. But, so what. I was having so much fun, they didn't matter and I'd dance with him any day. And trust me. When you crash, unless your partner is always perfect and maybe an egomaniac, your partner is probably thinking, "oops, I made him or her crash."
In Los Angeles there are some taxi tango dancers that you can hire. It is not cheap but you can share it with your girlfriends.
Also I hired a ballroom teacher or tango teacher and he dancers with me.
But I refuse to go back to Milonga and submit myself to this environment.
Also bear in mind that longevity of ballroom participants is much longer than tango. You will not see too many 80 y olds in tango but plenty on ballroom floor. Good for them !
Going back to my ballroom.
If I had one wish for tango it would be that when we start out at the beginning we learn both roles straight away.
I love it when at milongas there is a tanda where the organiser gets up and invites everyone to invite anyone like they like. I marched straight up to the snooty young guy who definitely thought of himself as hot stuff and asked - he looked me over and considered it for that split second - but he really couldn’t refuse! I enjoyed demonstrating to him that old people can dance quite well too!!!
On another note I’m rather tired of empowered egos out there spoiling what should be a beautiful and serence experience, giving tango a bad press and discouraging great leaders and followers of the future. But none of them will be reading this comment, only the lovely ones (of which there are many), so don’t lose heart!
Yes...this is all true. I studied for 6~7 years, continually, with 4 private classes per week, pro workshops and some milongas. It is very discouraging to sit there watching people dance, and not be included. Socializing helps, being younger helps, wearing nice clothes helps, watching Tango videos helps. It takes time to get to know the Tango community. I got involved with the community by designing posters, flyers for special events and hosting events with the organizers. Keep practicing, learning Tango principles, and musicality...it will pay off...eventually!
Be friendly. Thank partner after tanda. Accept compliments. Avoid criticism, to yourself and to partner.
i have had some terrible experiences with followers looking at me like i am a street flasher...my advice is get to know a group of friends and go with them to dances so you will know you will get dances...never go alone to somewhere new...you will sit there watching others dance all night
Please consider coming up to Portland Oregon for your Tango workshops after you are in California.
It happens both ways. For the leader, it takes a whole lot of courage to ask a lady out for a dance. Specially at the beginning, you feel like you'll be eaten alive on the first mistake.
And there's also 'imposter syndrome' - fearing, without justification, that you're not yet good enough to dance with that person. Yes, it may be justified if you haven't done sufficient lessons and practiced (not at the milonga, but finding that practica which isn't an informal milonga, is tricky). And then, maybe, that whole cabeceo thing or asking some unknown woman, especially if you're with a SO. As ever, lessons, practice and familiarisation makes it easier.
This is perfect and I can say that because it's exactly what I've been doing and it's getting better! My first milonga gave me PTSD. My second did the same. So did the 3rd, so I stopped going. And then did exactly what you describe here. I studied harder and am now in private lessons. I go to one class religiously every week and make a point of getting to know the people there. I gradually introduced the milonga into my schedule at the same location (different night) because the same group attends. I knew I could always count on my friends to dance with even if no one else would. I've also made an effort to develop lady friends because we're all in the same boat together and we encourage each other.
I recently started branching out to other milongas and always take the class first so I can get to know others in rotation. But those are still hard. It is deja vu all over again and depressing, but now I know what to do. I slap the feeling of discouragement away, and take that as a cue to gradually start adding a class or practica in a neighboring town and start over there to expand my friendships.
amazing! And it will get easier and easier, so don't get discouraged!! :) Keep us posted :)
❤
I consider myself to an average lead. I try to dance with as many followers as possible at a malonga ( my partner calls me a "bingo" dancer, trying to get a full house). That being said I'll often favour the taller dancers first because it's more comfortable for me being fairly tall. So to relay an incident that happened only last night, i final got to ask a lady seated on the opposite side of the floor to dance (she was barely 5') to be greeted with "it's two and a half hour into the malonga and now you ask for a dance!" For clarity I didn't know the lady. But her attitude certainly didn't encourage me to ask her again if I see her and goodness only knows what other leads would think if she demonstrates the same behaviour!?
I have had multiple bad experiences with milongas. I come from a ballroom background and was at an intermediate tango level. There is a lot to know about the tango etiquette that is not explained. I am used to saying thank you after a dance. Well, then the guy walks me off the floor after one song in the tanda. I find out you're not supposed to say thank you.. That's just one small example. Then you get the attitude from instructors about studying with other instructors. Belittling. I could go on, but even tho I find tango a lovely dance, I just have had it dealing with all these issues, no matter where you go. Advanced dancers don't have patience with beginners. One guy said to me "Stand on your own two feet, woman." I should have walked off the floor then and there. Just venting because I can relate to this poor woman. The culture needs changing and I don't know if or when that is going to happen. Thanks for doing your part tho!
I hope to see you out at a milonga in LA over that weekend. Is someone bringing you into town or did you organize your own trip?
I on the other side I don't dare to dance with someone else than my hubby !! I feel abit clumsy alone like I don't know at all !! And I am thinking I am too old and forgetting alot
Please allow me to add one more hint: after taking a class you learned something new but without practice with one or better several partners at a Milonga this "skill" will be gone at lightning speed.
My take: no milonga you will loose skills very, very rapidly. At one Milonga/week you will lose that skill slower. At 2 milongas per week you will be able to keep the initial skill level. At more than 2 milongas per week you will improve and enjoy the tango journey. Go dancing!!! When should you start visiting a Milonga? Well actually right after the first lesson. Maybe you just dance the basic step in a baldosa but in the music and a nice embrace it's already fun. Over time you will add the cross and ochos possibly giros and you are set. Check the few essential steps @Tango Space and you are set. Chose your location by the people/ambiance you like and have fun.
Idk, it does help you loosen up that's for sure, but I still prefer classes to milongas. In class you dance properly while the milonga is a jungle.
No matter what your level is your are doomed … unless your are gorgeous and young your are doomed to seat.
I'd say that was more for a practica than a milonga, although many practicas have become informal milongas. The milonga is for dancing; the practica is to hone those skills.
@@tanyaarvan1026 whatever the reason, the ones that ignore you are not worth wasting your time with. Do Leaders get rejected ? Certainly. If I have had just a few tandas that I have appreciated, the evening was worth it.
@@CW-om2qq Yeah I like the practicas as well. Its like a fake milonga of sorts. Haha.
It is unfortunate that she had to experience that. Whike at a Milonga, we all should look out once in a while at those....both men and women.... who are not dancing as much as everyone else. Unfortunately, there are those that will only dance with 'experieced dancers' or dance with younger or good looking women. As a leader, I attempt to dance with as many times as my energy allows me on that night.
It could be only 4 times or 14 times per Milonga... it depends on the energy I have that night and it I have the rhythm. Sometimes I feel I bring my hiking legs to the Milonga, not my dancing legs.
Even though I have been Tango Dancing for 5 1/2 years and I am only mediocre at best at ot, I dance with as many ladies as I can. As long as they do not dance like a zombie with me, especially the ones with many more years of experience, it does not matter who I am dancing with.
Although I admit, there are those I will not dance with ( past experience dancing with them).
PECCATO ANNE NON CI SIA LA TRADUZIONE IN ITALIANO! 😢...anche solo con dei sottotitoli!...purtroppo UA-cam questa volta non lo consente!
What you can do is to break the stupid rules where men no matter what their level are have an upper hand. And woman no matter what their level are depend on them.
The women should be able to choose partners
I am so discouraged that I quit and went back to ballroom. What a difference. No more sour men and desperate women.
Ballroom are so more friendly and kind and permissive and inclusive.
How would the men know how good you are if no one invites you
Why don’t you make mixers like in ballroom ?
I am so so disappointed. Do not fool yourself
It has nothing to do with your level but has to do with your looks and age.
Unless you have a partner you are doomed to sit for hours.
Your advice is not helping!
Going back to ballroom!
We're in the 21st century and in many cultures it's acceptable for women to invite a dance partner. If 'cabeceo' still rules, then use it; if not, and that's hopefully not, then just ask. It's only stupid, dumb, 'sour' men you wouldn't want to dance with anyway, who'll refuse. Why accept manspaining the 'rules'? You've put in the time and paid to participate.
Totally agree. The attitude of the men, no matter what my age was as I have been giving this a try off and on for over 10 years. It's always the same. Arrogance. Sad women with sour faces or jealousy due to being younger. I want to have fun when I go to a milonga, not just sit there on the sidelines and watch. I don't think I will drive over an hour just to have this happen. Unfortunate. And then they wonder why the tango community is small.....
What you say is true. Except it happens to some degree in other social dances as well (coming from former ballroom competitor and WCS dancer for 30 years).
But there is no comparison to Tango.
Age and beauty ABSOLUTELY play a part and even your "old" friends will pass you over to dance with a young woman. I see that all the time which is why it's really a shame that the follow can't do the asking, like you suggest.
There are those Tango leaders who don't do that though. They just need to get to know you.
So I would recommend you do exactly what Anne advises. That is what I've been doing and it absolutely works! You have to find your own clique and then expand from there.
But you also have to really love the dance to stick with it long enough to put up with the disappointments. And to really love the dance takes work. I think you need to reach a certain level before the magic kicks in, but once it does, there is no turning back.
Meanwhile, like you, I do wish something would change in the Tango culture to reverse this reputation.
And I do hope the leaders who are reading this don't brush it off thinking it doesn't apply to them, or they're not part of the problem. Leaders, when you look around the room looking for your next partner, every time your eyes pass by that older woman or newer dancer, remember, "No, she's not fine. No, someone else is not going to ask her. And, yes, she's probably been sitting there for the last hour." And never forget, you may also be passing by a magical experience.