Thank you. My ex-husband and I are great friends. We ultimately decided that in order to keep our vows to love, honor and cherish each other, we needed to change the legal status of our relationship. You are wise to focus on the overall well-being of each other and your family rather than focusing on the idol of "marriage."
Oh honey. Big hugs. Separation is difficult even under the most amicable of circumstances. You are turning into a beautiful butterfly though. Back when I was 25, my sister called me to tell me that I needed to come back to AK and let our dad be my spiritual leader so I could “get my life together.” Imagine the straight-up chrome-plated SACK of telling your 25 yo sibling they needed to leave their brand new job to move thousands of miles back to my parents house in rural Alaska so I could live under my dad’s umbrella of protection. It’s ludicrous. I’m so GLAD neither of us went back to that. Good job, us!
@@laurenconrad1799 My mother was a missionary kid in AK during the early 60s when my IFB preacher grandfather was “called” there to establish a church. 😐
I don’t believe divorce is a “failed marriage”. People grow & change. We’re not the same people at 20 that we are at 50. There is nothing wrong with spending a decade with someone you loved creating a family, growing together & then both of you wanting something different for the next phase of life. Nothing wrong with that at all. A great book called Mating In Captivity explains this. The author also has a talk here on UA-cam. Remaining friends, still loving & caring about one another is important. Part of that caring is knowing when intimacy/ physical attraction has run its course. I wish the best for both of you. ❤️
Agreed. Sometimes a person was great for you at a certain time period but then wasn’t as perfect for you a few years down the line. There’s nothing wrong with that. 🙂
As someone who has been with thier husband since high-school and now in my 40's I really appreciate this. While we definitely still love ❤️ each other. We spent many years forcing it to work so that we wouldn't be considered a failure. When it's not a failure. Just growth as humans 🤷🏻♀️
@@beautyonabarnbudget Right? Thanks for sharing this. If you truly love each other, you’d want all the happiness possible for each other, right? Even if, especially if, that happiness isn’t staying married to each other. There is no rule that says you can’t stay friends, even close friends. I want ALL my friends to be happy, why wouldn’t I want that for my best friend?
ESPECIALLY when the people getting married are so young and inexperienced! I never understood that about any religious group that expects you to marry as an extremely young virgin.
"I decided I couldn't be under his umbrella of protection because of all the sins he was committing." This is why fundies don't want their kids to develop critical thinking skills.
The world is full of people with different sensitivities and feelings. You loved the ear touching, I couldn't stand it. I had to move the window to the bottom of my screen to avoid to have to see this. I am not comfortable at all with people touching animal ears. I have no problems with belly rubbing or paw petting, but please, no ear touching. Makes me cringe. I acknowledge that the dog didn't seem to bother, so that's all good. But I couldn't watch it. Sorry.
So it sounds like you’ve never had space for yourself, or had time to even discover who you are. This is going to be necessary before you can be happy and content with anyone else, even your spouse, and honestly even with yourself. It sounds like the right decision, even if it’s a difficult one.
This is something I had to deal with too, needing the space to discover who I was. It's an ongoing process, honestly. My divorce is one of the best things that ever happened to me, though I couldn't see it at the time. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE FOR EVERYONE! I was in a very toxic relationship, which is why it was the right thing for me.
I was raised fundie and married at 22, it's been over 2 years since we separated and although it was heartbreaking it was definitely for the best. Sending you all the love in the universe as you navigate this. ❤
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. It does sound like you got married incredibly young and it sounds like even if things don't work out perfectly for you two, meeting the man you married and knowing he was the right guy at that time was still an incredible achievement for someone at that age and after all that trauma you endured. ❤
We've had so much Elly lately I feel like it's Hanukkah 🕎 😁 Edit to add: I *truly* have so much respect for you not LITERALLY ENDING YOUR HYPOCRITE-ASS DAD. The audacity, the narcissism, the delusions of grandeur, the lack of boundaries & autonomy & just UUUGGGGHH 😡😡😡
great choice for you and your spouse to rear your child in a safe environment rather than the one you unfortunately grew up in. she will thank you both someday for stopping (potential) trauma in its cycle.
My ex-husband and I met at a Christian boarding school my freshman year of highschool we started dating the following year and got married after I graduated. We were BABIES. I came from a very conservative but loving home and he DID NOT. The emotional baggage that came from growing up in an extremely abusive home slowly but surely created second hand trauma responses in our relationship and at just past our 11 year anniversary we decided that divorcing and starting over was the only way forward. We both entered therapy after a couple years on our own just wasn't helping us and the relationship is 10x better than it ever was. We are still together and I still love him, we co-parent, but we haven't moved back in together or gotten remarried. He is only now after 3 years of standard therapy ready to move on to a specific childhood trauma specialist and I'm so proud of the work he has done. He is every bit the man I knew he could be all those years ago. What the Bible (and our parents and religious leaders) don't tell us is that loving someone, the way that God intended (or that the religious text tells us to do) with your whole heart, will break you. You can't 'fix' the hurt caused to them without becoming hurt yourself. I wasn't perfect (as I deconstruct there are so many levels of religious trauma to unpack) but I was absolutely, completely and utterly unprepared for the realities of life, and specifically life with a partner. The journey ahead will be full of both heartbreak and healing and as long as you both remain in your current mindset you will come out so much happier on the other side. No matter what that looks like. All my love and well wishes go out to you for this journey.
@@laurenconrad1799 I haven't actually heard of any scandals coming out about the staff at that school and from my experience I have a lot of respect for most of those teachers within the confines of their religious sphere. The Christian k-12 I went to until 8th grade on the other hand.. less so. 😬 I'm sure percentage wise it's the same (or close to) number of teachers that abuse in any school system.. it just seems more egregious because of the hypocrisy.
What a beautiful way to respect your own boundaries and his while also talking about a major hurt that happens within fundamentalist families! "I want to answer your questions, but only this far." You just gave me a perfect example of something I was trying to describe to my daughters in a conversation about when a story about you affects more than one person and how to articulate your feelings about situations without violating the boundaries and privacy of another person in cases where respecting their autonomy is valuable to you. Just, wow.
I don't know how I knew this, but I had a feeling this was a struggle for you. Possibly because I see so many of our struggles (navigating religious trauma, parenthood, newly discovered bisexuality, exploring gender, etc.) as similar and happening at similar times, often all at once. My husband and I are not currently separated, but things have been rocky for a while, and steps like separation and divorce have been more on my mind recently than before. Wishing you peace as you navigate this process.
Hi! I'm sending love too! Separation and divorce may be painfull but in many cases is totaly worth it! I did it too! I'm now good friends with my ex and a I found a new love! I'm also very excited for your next chapter finding what you need from life on your own terms! Good luck with anything you will set on for the next chapter!
What I love about this channel is your refreshing honesty and openness, it's as if I'm listening to a close friend. I don't have a religious background (or any lived experience with organized religion for that matter), yet I am so keen on learning about you and your experiences. I'm only a stranger on the internet; nonetheless, I wish you and your family the very best ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for all the work you put into this channel 😊
8:29 We all need some extra doggo support from time to time. I'm sorry about your current circumstances. Separation can be gutting at times. I hope you find yourself in a happier place sometime soon, and that you, your daughter's father, and your daughter continue to be healthy and content.
Many positive vibes for you and your husband as you navigate this separation. I think is a HUGE step for you in your deconstruction to realize that marriage doesn’t always work out and that it’s ok to leave a relationship you are unhappy in. I hope things go very smoothly ❤️
I was pressured into marrying my ex during a very low period of my life. It was terrible. I was very much pigeonholed as the "caregiver" even when I was exhausted and miserable. Divorce was quite literally a lifesaver for me. I wish for you only love and healing. Take baby steps, don't be too hard on yourself, and cry if you need to.
I can tell this is a painful topic for you. Even so, I’m so glad you are experimenting with being on your own and being independent. A lot of marriages that start this way end quickly, and it’s great to be friends with and ex husband, especially if you have children with them. I think the independence will be good for you, perhaps even very healing. I wish you all the best and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.
Twice divorced, separation is awful. Those inner conversations and couple conversations to determine if you're compatible going forward are so hard. But we can learn so much about ourselves.
It's not a separation.... it's a marriage vacation. If you miss him at the end, go back. If not, you two needed each other during that time. Now...not so much. Enduring decades of communial misery because you two made a contract on a Saturday is foolish.
This is a GREAT Mentality to keep about any relationship. All things have their seasons, and all seasons end. Some end now, some later, but keep an eye on the door because sometimes that is the answer.
Hi Elly! Just wanted to say that I found your channel recently and have since binged ALL of your videos 😆 I'm interested in hearing about your upbringing, but I also just really enjoy YOU! You seem like such a lovely person and I enjoy listening to you so much. ☺️ Best of luck to you and your husband going forward; I hope you are both able to figure out what is best for you and your family. 🤍
Elly, having been through separation and ultimately divorce myself, I can only recommend a book of advice from other divorced and separated folks called The Optimist's Guide to Divorce. It helped me greatly when I was unpacking what all those processes meant and ultimately how they affected me.
That family meeting with the whiteboard had me so hopping mad on your behalf. That was so disrespectful of you as a person. I’m glad you didn’t cave in to the pressure then and I’m glad you and your husband are moving forward with what you both need to do in order to grow as people. (I hope that makes sense.) Thank you for shining a light on the wrongs done in fundyism. Please continue taking care of yourself.
Dear Elly, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Ending a relationship is always painful but in the end might lead to new doors opening. That's the way life goes. You are such a strong person!!! 💚🤗
Hi Ellie (I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right sorry if it's wrong). A huge part of my religious trauma came from my first relationship. My dad is a pastor, and when I started seeing a guy when I was 17, we weren't allowed to date until I was 18. We dated for a few months and my dad said we were too young and couldn't date anymore, and at that point we weren't even allowed to speak. People at church would tell my dad if they saw us talking at church, or even if they saw us together in town. It was so traumatic, mostly because my parents would talk about it all the time. It felt like my relationship with them was contingent on doing what they required of me in my non-relationship. I ended up marrying this guy, and even though he is a really great guy, we should not have gotten married. I was barely 20, and a big part of why I wanted to marry him was because I was so stressed and depressed because of the extreme strain the relationship was putting on my relationship with my parents for no reason, like I said he is a great guy. We divorced a year later. I just want you to know that you are not alone in these experiences. A big reason I was drawn to your channel is dissecting these experiences that we have in common. And I also want to say, the end of the relationship, if it comes to that, is not the end of the world. It feels like it in the moment, especially coming from this culture where marriage is the goal and divorce feels like failure. It's not a failure. I don't regret the relationship, I learned so much and it made me a better person. But so did the end of the relationship. You're not alone in these experiences, and I know you'll figure out what is best for you and your family. Sending positive vibes
I wasn’t raised fundie but very strict parents. I had to ask permission to have a boyfriend, accept dates, even to hang out with groups that happened to have boys (but I could just say “hey I’m going to [enter girl friends name here”). My parents also told me that I was not ready to have my first serious boyfriend. But I was 18 and had to get a job and pay taxes… so? Very alienating and weird. At any rate I’m glad you’re able to take space to see what feels right and sort out things for yourselves and your family.
4:00 OMG this is almost verbatim the manipulative BS my folks used to say to me to control my romantic relationships/life in general WELL into my 20s🤦♀️🤢
I know I'm a complete stranger. But I'm so proud of you and your husband for being able to take the hard sad decision to separate. It sounds like it's the best decision for your family, but that doesn't stop it being hard and sad.
Hi, Elly!♡♡ Thank you so much for sharing your story and for educating people about these important topics. I just found your channel days ago and I'm so glad! I was raised in an abusive Christian conservative home; I started my deconstruction around the beginning of this year after deciding to pause communication with my dad and brother indefinitely if needed. In recent years, they have both fallen to prosperity gospel rhetoric (even though we always made fun of that when I was growing up). Both myself (27) and my partner (30) have been mistreated by that side of the family the whole 12+ years we've been together. At least I'm very grateful for this time apart from them!! I've worked on myself more than I ever have before because I've had the space and energy to do it.... Before when I was still in communications with them, I'd have my entire day/week ruined by insulting calls and texts from my dad, usually about my brother, both who I've always had strained relationships with. But now, I'm free and although not speaking to them may need to be a forever choice, I'm so happy with where my spiritual journey is going (whatever that means 😅). ♡♡ Sending so much love to you and your family!♡♡ Stay safe xx
@2:10 You're a valid human'being, as opposed to Leviticus 27:6, which " has the value of a male as 5 shekels of silver, and the female as [ only ] 3 shekels of silver " ---- this was the basis of the 3/5ths Compromise in the US Constitution, that encoded permanent bible permission of l, humans owning other humans, and their future children after them, as inheritable humans, as described at Leviticus 25:44-46, into the Mosaic Law, and then , into the Constitution --- that's the ONLY Judeo-Christian value that America was founded on. While the Emperor Wang Mang of First Century China abolished all slavery entirely, even if for a short time, the Apostle Paul endorsed humans owning other humans at Ephesians 6 5: " Slaves, be obedient to your masters with all respect....." Both Jesus and Paul accepted the Mosaic Law that allowed humans owning other humans, with no path forward for any emancipation of owned humans. The Southern Baptist Church exists today since 1845, due to it's sincere Christian scholars and leaders, just like the Southern Methodists, that devoted themselves to the bible author's viewpoint of Leviticus 25:44-46, of humans owning other humans. permanently.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time--separation is challenging. I hope this time allows you both to figure out what the best options are for you and your family to be happy.
I am sorry for the abuse/control/manipulation you had growing up. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others to understand what is healthy in relationships vs what is deeply unhealthy. Wishing you much happiness in your new chapter in life.
Fundamentalism is hiding who one truly is. I am a pansexual woman who hid who I am from even me, until I was 35. My partner, an ex-pastor, hid who she was until she was 36. We came out of the closet so hard. After all of our deconstruction, we realized we never accepted or knew who we truly were, let alone share it with our spouse. I am happy you are finding your truth. Your stories mirror so much of ours. Thank you.
Elly I had a feeling you were going to tell us this news and I am so sorry for this difficult time you are all facing as a family. I hope youfind the peace you need as you are facing so very much! Thank you gor sharing your journey with us, I myself have found so much out about myself by watching you and i am sure there are so many that have as well. I feel peace through prayer and if you are ok with it I will be incluing you in my prayers. Sending hugs!🙂
Thank you. I had a similar upbringing to you, and it's been really validating to hear another person share what fundamentalism is like and what their experience with it has been like. Peace and healing to you on your journey.
Your content is so precious to me. As an ex-fundie, I have several friends who got married young and have decided that they would be better off in different arrangements. I hope the road to figuring that out is a smooth one for you and your husband. All the best to you and your family.
Hugs to you Elly! The dog knew you needed their support. I wish you well going forward. Your story shows you are a powerful and resourceful person. You’ll carve out the path that is meant for you. Much love!
I just want to send good wishes to you and your family. Thank you for putting yourself out there and helping other people. Be sure to take care of yourself though too. You are amazing. ❤
@3:25 Fear of consequences like: "Eternal punishment" and "respect for authority", when it's preached at a young age, doesn't leave ppl after childhood, and it affects their voting habits, especially for right wingers who are conditioned to admire a strongman ; think Mussolini or the former guy's actions. That's why we have devotion to a strongman by the ppl brought up this way, especially in the southeastern US.
This actually makes me think of another episode, where talked about your promise to sit on your parent’s lap until 20 years old. With moving out at the age of 19, you somewhat broke that promise, which makes me happy for you
Separation is difficult no matter what.It doesn’t seem so now but it will be good to find out who YOU are. And you’ve got a loving puppy friend for unconditional support.
Big big hugs darling! I’ve gotten so much from your channel - I am so happy to have found you. I hope you continue healing and the process of self actualization and growth. 🥰🥰
I know so many people in my personal life who are separating or separated with children recently. It can be really hard, especially at first, but in every case in my circle, the coparenting is going really well now. Hopefully you and your husband find the right solution for both of you and your child(ren).
Ellie, I hope you have all the strength and peace you need during this time. I cant imagine the pain of separation. I've been wanting to share what an amazing person I think you are. I have been deconstructing for several years now. seeing your courage and honesty and freedom is so encouraging. what you are doing here has made such a difference to me. please take care of yourself. you deserve to be happy
*so many hugs* I kind of sensed this coming, so when I saw this video come up, I wasn’t surprised, but I was sad. Not because I think you should be married or to stay in a relationship that neither of you feel happy in, but just because I recently watched my older sister go through one hell of an acrimonious divorce, preceded my months and years of trying to fix their relationship and having it go tits up. And somehow, despite being older than you by 5 or 6 years, I look up to you. You were raised in literal hell, and you came out of it, so I see you as an older sibling type (despite having two of my own, and…maybe it’s the fact that, 37 or not, I’m still the baby of the family, and a cool older sibling is a cool older sibling, whether they’re related to me or not?) Lots of love to all of you, and I hope that, ultimately, what y’all end up is happy. ❤️💜💙 Sasha (they/she)
Have listened to two of your videos so far. I lost my faith at 19 standing on the steps of my Methodist Church with a petition against the Vietnam War which NO ONE no one! would sign! But on a slightly different note I have been happily married to my husband ( I'm Judy by the way) for 34 years ( he is 12 years younger then me). We all make life choices and we have a RIGHT to whatever those are.
sending you both such love and support! it's scary but it's so healthy and good to be willing to take a step back and think about what you need and what you want. i wish that was something that my parents had modeled for me growing up. 💜💜
As someone who grew up in a household with an abusive father (not nearly as much to me as to my mom) and a mother too afraid to leave the marriage because of sin and how it would make her look at church, I think it's pretty cool of you and your husband to realize and admit when things aren't working, and to change however you need to to make the family dynamic work for you both and your kiddo's needs. We love to see it.
Thank you for your openness and sharing. I'm so glad that you are taking the time and space you need to figure out what is best for everyone and how to ensure you all get to find the path that will make each of you happiest. I so deeply respect those that choose to model how to prioritize their wellness and happiness to their kids, whether that means marriage, separation, or divorce. Children can learn that they are allowed to value themselves through this and it's so important.
I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are having difficulties. I hope that however it turns out, it's the best thing for both of you. Thank you for sharing your story anyway, along with all the others you've shared. Your journey has helped me with my own faith deconstruction.
Thank you for making this. While we as an audience are of course not entitled to any information about your life, your willingness to share this reminds me that relationships move and change as the individuals within them do, and that that is okay. Sending you and your family love and peace.❤️
I hope you both are doing well. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to navigate relationships and sexuality given your upbringing. You have learned so much, and have changed so much since you got married, it’s like you are not the same person in many ways. Of course issues are bound to arise. Thank you so much for sharing your life and helping others who may be in similar situations. I think you’re pretty awesome.
Elly we are all rooting for you as you pass through to your next phase of life. It’s scary, but so is apostatizing! We all wishing you nothing but healing and love
Keeping you in my thoughts, Ellie. You've been a great inspiration as I navigate leaving my religious upbringing as a mentally ill (ADD, depression, and anxiety) polyamorous person. Thank you for your candid honesty and everything you've shared. May you and those closest to you find peace and happiness.
I feel like there is so much more love and new people in your future, and I'm really glad you're making the right choices for yourself and not forcing a relationship that could work better on different terms. Love your videos and thank you for sharing with us
So happy you have your fur baby for support. My husband and I have a complex relationship as well. We have been together for 25 years, married for 20. The last 5ish years have asexual. We are still married, live together, and Co-parent. Yet our intimate needs are fulfilled with other partners. It haa made being a couple far easier for both of us. May you find happiness in whatever form meets your needs.
Thank you for sharing. I've found a lot of healing in hearing you stories. My journey is different from yours, but I relate to the general culture. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, puppies for emotional grounding are the best! Your pooch is such a sweet presence here for you🐾💖
Proud of you both for being adults and making hard and yet good choices to benefit the whole family. Some people are better off being coparents. You got this!
To agree to separate is one of the biggest, hardest decisions you could possibly have to make as a responsible couple, especially one that has a child together. As tough as it is to admit, sometimes people are just going two different ways or simply there is no compromise to something. And being in a relationship with someone when there's these things going on can obviously create tension or stress. That tension and stress can affect your physical well-being. And you sill need to focus on doing what's best for you and your kid(s). Taking care of yourself, will help you in turn to take care of your child. And also this could one day be used to teach your kid that when it comes to relationships, sometimes the reality is things aren't forever (which is a Christian narrative to follow anyway.) I could rant about that, actually. And that also there are good, healthy reasons why parents might need to separate. My fundie family made no plans for me to further my education. They talked about college funds for my brothers, but never for me. When I'd tell them I wanted to be a paleontologist when I grew up, they'd just look at each other. I realized their plans for me when I was about 10, but wasn't actually sure until recently (I'm 26). The reason they never prepared me for high school or college? They thought I'd get married to someone successful and not work. They expected me to be married when I turned 18- with someone my father approved of. My step sister later went on to do exactly that life narrative and well- things don't always turn out so great when you're legally binned to someone you met before both of your brains were even done developing. Again, there are so many valid reasons for things not working out. Doesn't mean anyone was a failure- but that's the narrative many people believe- even when they aren't religious (which honestly confuses me.) It is in my VERY unpopular opinion that marriage shouldnt be legally binding as is, especially when it's contributing to so much abuse and such. We all know someone who's been through a "nasty divorce" or "can't afford to divorce" ect. Like idk, I just personally feel making it so official like that kinda contributes to a lot of toxic behavior and domestic violence as well. If you're unhappy in a relationship, regardless of reason, you should honestly be able to leave if you want to. Wow this is hard to follow, sorry adhd. But hopefully the point to deconstruct people's opinions on marriage is there.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story, you're clearly a very strong and brave woman, and a great role model to anyone who might be going through similar things
I divorced from my husband I met at 18, we were together for ten years total, five married and my coming out as queer and nonbinary was too much for him. He said it was moreso the fact that he didn’t want to engage in social justice movements for my rights as a trans person. It’s not for the faint of heart and ai’m glad I knew before we had kids! But now I’m trying to do IUI and might never have kids 🤷♂️ life is crazy
Thank you. My ex-husband and I are great friends. We ultimately decided that in order to keep our vows to love, honor and cherish each other, we needed to change the legal status of our relationship. You are wise to focus on the overall well-being of each other and your family rather than focusing on the idol of "marriage."
I love that idea that you can keep your vows by not staying married. ❤️
This is something that I think people are missing. Thank you so much for sharing this perspective! I
Hebrews 13:4 - Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
@Nicole Urbach this is so beautiful, it made me cry! Thank you so much for sharing.
"I couldn't be under his umbrella of protection because of his sins" is a real fundie punk rock take I love it
Oh honey. Big hugs. Separation is difficult even under the most amicable of circumstances. You are turning into a beautiful butterfly though.
Back when I was 25, my sister called me to tell me that I needed to come back to AK and let our dad be my spiritual leader so I could “get my life together.” Imagine the straight-up chrome-plated SACK of telling your 25 yo sibling they needed to leave their brand new job to move thousands of miles back to my parents house in rural Alaska so I could live under my dad’s umbrella of protection. It’s ludicrous. I’m so GLAD neither of us went back to that. Good job, us!
Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like Alaska would be the perfect place to isolate your fundie kids from the entire world. So glad you got out. ❤️
@@laurenconrad1799 My mother was a missionary kid in AK during the early 60s when my IFB preacher grandfather was “called” there to establish a church. 😐
I get the "I need to rub my dog's ears to get through this video" feeling big time. All the hugs to you and ear scritches to pooch.
All dogs are emotional support service dogs; some are just freelance 💞 My Rottweiler is my favorite weighted blanket🐾
I don’t believe divorce is a “failed marriage”. People grow & change. We’re not the same people at 20 that we are at 50. There is nothing wrong with spending a decade with someone you loved creating a family, growing together & then both of you wanting something different for the next phase of life. Nothing wrong with that at all.
A great book called Mating In Captivity explains this. The author also has a talk here on UA-cam.
Remaining friends, still loving & caring about one another is important. Part of that caring is knowing when intimacy/ physical attraction has run its course. I wish the best for both of you. ❤️
Agreed. Sometimes a person was great for you at a certain time period but then wasn’t as perfect for you a few years down the line. There’s nothing wrong with that. 🙂
As someone who has been with thier husband since high-school and now in my 40's I really appreciate this. While we definitely still love ❤️ each other. We spent many years forcing it to work so that we wouldn't be considered a failure. When it's not a failure. Just growth as humans 🤷🏻♀️
@@beautyonabarnbudget Right? Thanks for sharing this. If you truly love each other, you’d want all the happiness possible for each other, right? Even if, especially if, that happiness isn’t staying married to each other. There is no rule that says you can’t stay friends, even close friends. I want ALL my friends to be happy, why wouldn’t I want that for my best friend?
ESPECIALLY when the people getting married are so young and inexperienced! I never understood that about any religious group that expects you to marry as an extremely young virgin.
"I decided I couldn't be under his umbrella of protection because of all the sins he was committing." This is why fundies don't want their kids to develop critical thinking skills.
EXACTLY!!!!
The world is full of people with different sensitivities and feelings. You loved the ear touching, I couldn't stand it. I had to move the window to the bottom of my screen to avoid to have to see this. I am not comfortable at all with people touching animal ears. I have no problems with belly rubbing or paw petting, but please, no ear touching. Makes me cringe.
I acknowledge that the dog didn't seem to bother, so that's all good. But I couldn't watch it. Sorry.
In spite of your dad's unreasonable behavior, your husband married you. You both have demonstrated the strength of stone and iron.
So it sounds like you’ve never had space for yourself, or had time to even discover who you are. This is going to be necessary before you can be happy and content with anyone else, even your spouse, and honestly even with yourself.
It sounds like the right decision, even if it’s a difficult one.
This is something I had to deal with too, needing the space to discover who I was. It's an ongoing process, honestly. My divorce is one of the best things that ever happened to me, though I couldn't see it at the time. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE FOR EVERYONE! I was in a very toxic relationship, which is why it was the right thing for me.
I was raised fundie and married at 22, it's been over 2 years since we separated and although it was heartbreaking it was definitely for the best. Sending you all the love in the universe as you navigate this. ❤
I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. It does sound like you got married incredibly young and it sounds like even if things don't work out perfectly for you two, meeting the man you married and knowing he was the right guy at that time was still an incredible achievement for someone at that age and after all that trauma you endured. ❤
We've had so much Elly lately I feel like it's Hanukkah 🕎 😁
Edit to add: I *truly* have so much respect for you not LITERALLY ENDING YOUR HYPOCRITE-ASS DAD. The audacity, the narcissism, the delusions of grandeur, the lack of boundaries & autonomy & just UUUGGGGHH 😡😡😡
great choice for you and your spouse to rear your child in a safe environment rather than the one you unfortunately grew up in. she will thank you both someday for stopping (potential) trauma in its cycle.
My ex-husband and I met at a Christian boarding school my freshman year of highschool we started dating the following year and got married after I graduated.
We were BABIES. I came from a very conservative but loving home and he DID NOT. The emotional baggage that came from growing up in an extremely abusive home slowly but surely created second hand trauma responses in our relationship and at just past our 11 year anniversary we decided that divorcing and starting over was the only way forward.
We both entered therapy after a couple years on our own just wasn't helping us and the relationship is 10x better than it ever was.
We are still together and I still love him, we co-parent, but we haven't moved back in together or gotten remarried.
He is only now after 3 years of standard therapy ready to move on to a specific childhood trauma specialist and I'm so proud of the work he has done. He is every bit the man I knew he could be all those years ago.
What the Bible (and our parents and religious leaders) don't tell us is that loving someone, the way that God intended (or that the religious text tells us to do) with your whole heart, will break you. You can't 'fix' the hurt caused to them without becoming hurt yourself.
I wasn't perfect (as I deconstruct there are so many levels of religious trauma to unpack) but I was absolutely, completely and utterly unprepared for the realities of life, and specifically life with a partner.
The journey ahead will be full of both heartbreak and healing and as long as you both remain in your current mindset you will come out so much happier on the other side. No matter what that looks like.
All my love and well wishes go out to you for this journey.
The Bible says a husband should love his wife as Christ loves his church.
@@kimalonzo3363 and?
Christian boarding school: I’m just imagining the amount of sexual assault that must have gone on there. Oy
@@laurenconrad1799 I haven't actually heard of any scandals coming out about the staff at that school and from my experience I have a lot of respect for most of those teachers within the confines of their religious sphere. The Christian k-12 I went to until 8th grade on the other hand.. less so. 😬
I'm sure percentage wise it's the same (or close to) number of teachers that abuse in any school system.. it just seems more egregious because of the hypocrisy.
@@InThisEssayIWill... and nothing. The Bible covers the topic of Christian marriage thoroughly.
Marriage is such a complicated thing. You both seem so solid and supportive I hope your continued journey goes as smoothly as possible
Aren’t dogs wonderful? I’m so glad you have yours to support you during difficult times. Precious ❤️🇨🇦
What a beautiful way to respect your own boundaries and his while also talking about a major hurt that happens within fundamentalist families! "I want to answer your questions, but only this far." You just gave me a perfect example of something I was trying to describe to my daughters in a conversation about when a story about you affects more than one person and how to articulate your feelings about situations without violating the boundaries and privacy of another person in cases where respecting their autonomy is valuable to you. Just, wow.
As an ex fundie who is now divorced, I am so proud of you and appreciate you sharing. It’ll end up the way it’s meant to, sending love to you!
I don't know how I knew this, but I had a feeling this was a struggle for you. Possibly because I see so many of our struggles (navigating religious trauma, parenthood, newly discovered bisexuality, exploring gender, etc.) as similar and happening at similar times, often all at once. My husband and I are not currently separated, but things have been rocky for a while, and steps like separation and divorce have been more on my mind recently than before. Wishing you peace as you navigate this process.
Also I LOVE that you have a dog nearby for emotional support. My 9-year-old Husky is always by my side. She's always been my special buddy.
Hi! I'm sending love too! Separation and divorce may be painfull but in many cases is totaly worth it! I did it too! I'm now good friends with my ex and a I found a new love! I'm also very excited for your next chapter finding what you need from life on your own terms! Good luck with anything you will set on for the next chapter!
What I love about this channel is your refreshing honesty and openness, it's as if I'm listening to a close friend. I don't have a religious background (or any lived experience with organized religion for that matter), yet I am so keen on learning about you and your experiences. I'm only a stranger on the internet; nonetheless, I wish you and your family the very best ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you for all the work you put into this channel 😊
8:29 We all need some extra doggo support from time to time. I'm sorry about your current circumstances. Separation can be gutting at times. I hope you find yourself in a happier place sometime soon, and that you, your daughter's father, and your daughter continue to be healthy and content.
Many positive vibes for you and your husband as you navigate this separation. I think is a HUGE step for you in your deconstruction to realize that marriage doesn’t always work out and that it’s ok to leave a relationship you are unhappy in. I hope things go very smoothly ❤️
As always, Elly, your true authenticity is so refreshing! May you delve a path that honors what’s best for you 💜
I was pressured into marrying my ex during a very low period of my life. It was terrible. I was very much pigeonholed as the "caregiver" even when I was exhausted and miserable. Divorce was quite literally a lifesaver for me. I wish for you only love and healing. Take baby steps, don't be too hard on yourself, and cry if you need to.
I can tell this is a painful topic for you. Even so, I’m so glad you are experimenting with being on your own and being independent. A lot of marriages that start this way end quickly, and it’s great to be friends with and ex husband, especially if you have children with them. I think the independence will be good for you, perhaps even very healing. I wish you all the best and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.
Sending you love. Can’t imagine how hard all this was for you two. I hope it brings you both to a place of peace.
Twice divorced, separation is awful. Those inner conversations and couple conversations to determine if you're compatible going forward are so hard. But we can learn so much about ourselves.
It's not a separation.... it's a marriage vacation. If you miss him at the end, go back. If not, you two needed each other during that time. Now...not so much. Enduring decades of communial misery because you two made a contract on a Saturday is foolish.
This is a GREAT Mentality to keep about any relationship. All things have their seasons, and all seasons end. Some end now, some later, but keep an eye on the door because sometimes that is the answer.
Hi Elly, just wanted to say I'm sending positive vibes as you navigate the next part of your journey. Thank you so much for being you.
Thank you for being frank but respectful about all the things you share.
Hi Elly! Just wanted to say that I found your channel recently and have since binged ALL of your videos 😆 I'm interested in hearing about your upbringing, but I also just really enjoy YOU! You seem like such a lovely person and I enjoy listening to you so much. ☺️ Best of luck to you and your husband going forward; I hope you are both able to figure out what is best for you and your family. 🤍
Elly, having been through separation and ultimately divorce myself, I can only recommend a book of advice from other divorced and separated folks called The Optimist's Guide to Divorce. It helped me greatly when I was unpacking what all those processes meant and ultimately how they affected me.
That family meeting with the whiteboard had me so hopping mad on your behalf. That was so disrespectful of you as a person. I’m glad you didn’t cave in to the pressure then and I’m glad you and your husband are moving forward with what you both need to do in order to grow as people. (I hope that makes sense.)
Thank you for shining a light on the wrongs done in fundyism. Please continue taking care of yourself.
Dear Elly, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Ending a relationship is always painful but in the end might lead to new doors opening. That's the way life goes. You are such a strong person!!! 💚🤗
Hi Ellie (I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right sorry if it's wrong). A huge part of my religious trauma came from my first relationship. My dad is a pastor, and when I started seeing a guy when I was 17, we weren't allowed to date until I was 18. We dated for a few months and my dad said we were too young and couldn't date anymore, and at that point we weren't even allowed to speak. People at church would tell my dad if they saw us talking at church, or even if they saw us together in town. It was so traumatic, mostly because my parents would talk about it all the time. It felt like my relationship with them was contingent on doing what they required of me in my non-relationship. I ended up marrying this guy, and even though he is a really great guy, we should not have gotten married. I was barely 20, and a big part of why I wanted to marry him was because I was so stressed and depressed because of the extreme strain the relationship was putting on my relationship with my parents for no reason, like I said he is a great guy. We divorced a year later. I just want you to know that you are not alone in these experiences. A big reason I was drawn to your channel is dissecting these experiences that we have in common. And I also want to say, the end of the relationship, if it comes to that, is not the end of the world. It feels like it in the moment, especially coming from this culture where marriage is the goal and divorce feels like failure. It's not a failure. I don't regret the relationship, I learned so much and it made me a better person. But so did the end of the relationship. You're not alone in these experiences, and I know you'll figure out what is best for you and your family. Sending positive vibes
Sending you some love, Ellie. Thanks for sharing, for being so transparent.
I wasn’t raised fundie but very strict parents. I had to ask permission to have a boyfriend, accept dates, even to hang out with groups that happened to have boys (but I could just say “hey I’m going to [enter girl friends name here”). My parents also told me that I was not ready to have my first serious boyfriend. But I was 18 and had to get a job and pay taxes… so? Very alienating and weird.
At any rate I’m glad you’re able to take space to see what feels right and sort out things for yourselves and your family.
I discovered you a couple of months ago and your honesty and authenticity really move me. Sending you much love.
4:00 OMG this is almost verbatim the manipulative BS my folks used to say to me to control my romantic relationships/life in general WELL into my 20s🤦♀️🤢
Sending so much empathy about your separation. 💖 I separated from a partner of 8 years not long ago.
Best of luck to you both ❤️ you each deserve happiness and I know you'll find it!
I know I'm a complete stranger. But I'm so proud of you and your husband for being able to take the hard sad decision to separate. It sounds like it's the best decision for your family, but that doesn't stop it being hard and sad.
Hi, Elly!♡♡ Thank you so much for sharing your story and for educating people about these important topics. I just found your channel days ago and I'm so glad!
I was raised in an abusive Christian conservative home; I started my deconstruction around the beginning of this year after deciding to pause communication with my dad and brother indefinitely if needed. In recent years, they have both fallen to prosperity gospel rhetoric (even though we always made fun of that when I was growing up). Both myself (27) and my partner (30) have been mistreated by that side of the family the whole 12+ years we've been together. At least I'm very grateful for this time apart from them!! I've worked on myself more than I ever have before because I've had the space and energy to do it.... Before when I was still in communications with them, I'd have my entire day/week ruined by insulting calls and texts from my dad, usually about my brother, both who I've always had strained relationships with. But now, I'm free and although not speaking to them may need to be a forever choice, I'm so happy with where my spiritual journey is going (whatever that means 😅). ♡♡
Sending so much love to you and your family!♡♡ Stay safe xx
Thank you for sharing, This is so relatable, including the sweet puppy by your side.
Wishing you the absolute best Elly
@2:10 You're a valid human'being, as opposed to Leviticus 27:6, which " has the value of a male as 5 shekels of silver, and the female as [ only ] 3 shekels of silver "
---- this was the basis of the 3/5ths Compromise in the US Constitution, that encoded permanent bible permission of l, humans owning other humans, and their future children after them, as inheritable humans, as described at Leviticus 25:44-46, into the Mosaic Law, and then , into the Constitution
--- that's the ONLY Judeo-Christian value that America was founded on.
While the Emperor Wang Mang of First Century China abolished all slavery entirely, even if for a short time, the Apostle Paul endorsed humans owning other humans at Ephesians 6 5:
" Slaves, be obedient to your masters with all respect....."
Both Jesus and Paul accepted the Mosaic Law that allowed humans owning other humans, with no path forward for any emancipation of owned humans.
The Southern Baptist Church exists today since 1845, due to it's sincere Christian scholars and leaders, just like the Southern Methodists, that devoted themselves to the bible author's viewpoint of Leviticus 25:44-46, of humans owning other humans. permanently.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time--separation is challenging. I hope this time allows you both to figure out what the best options are for you and your family to be happy.
I am sorry for the abuse/control/manipulation you had growing up. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others to understand what is healthy in relationships vs what is deeply unhealthy. Wishing you much happiness in your new chapter in life.
Thanks for your honesty. I’ve honestly been thinking about that route in my marriage. Best of luck to all concerned!
Fundamentalism is hiding who one truly is. I am a pansexual woman who hid who I am from even me, until I was 35. My partner, an ex-pastor, hid who she was until she was 36. We came out of the closet so hard. After all of our deconstruction, we realized we never accepted or knew who we truly were, let alone share it with our spouse. I am happy you are finding your truth. Your stories mirror so much of ours. Thank you.
Elly I had a feeling you were going to tell us this news and I am so sorry for this difficult time you are all facing as a family. I hope youfind the peace you need as you are facing so very much! Thank you gor sharing your journey with us, I myself have found so much out about myself by watching you and i am sure there are so many that have as well. I feel peace through prayer and if you are ok with it I will be incluing you in my prayers. Sending hugs!🙂
Thank you for being brave enough to share that with us - and for letting us watch you scratch your pup afterward. Everyone needs fur therapy!
Thank you. I had a similar upbringing to you, and it's been really validating to hear another person share what fundamentalism is like and what their experience with it has been like. Peace and healing to you on your journey.
Thanks for continuing to share your stories and experiences!!!
Your content is so precious to me. As an ex-fundie, I have several friends who got married young and have decided that they would be better off in different arrangements. I hope the road to figuring that out is a smooth one for you and your husband. All the best to you and your family.
Hugs to you Elly! The dog knew you needed their support. I wish you well going forward. Your story shows you are a powerful and resourceful person. You’ll carve out the path that is meant for you. Much love!
I just want to send good wishes to you and your family. Thank you for putting yourself out there and helping other people. Be sure to take care of yourself though too. You are amazing. ❤
Thank you for opening up and sharing with us 💙
@3:25 Fear of consequences like: "Eternal punishment" and "respect for authority", when it's preached at a young age, doesn't leave ppl after childhood, and it affects their voting habits, especially for right wingers who are conditioned to admire a strongman ; think Mussolini or the former guy's actions.
That's why we have devotion to a strongman by the ppl brought up this way, especially in the southeastern US.
This actually makes me think of another episode, where talked about your promise to sit on your parent’s lap until 20 years old. With moving out at the age of 19, you somewhat broke that promise, which makes me happy for you
WHAT A GOOD DOGGO 💕
Separation is difficult no matter what.It doesn’t seem so now but it will be good to find out who YOU are.
And you’ve got a loving puppy friend for unconditional support.
Big big hugs darling! I’ve gotten so much from your channel - I am so happy to have found you. I hope you continue healing and the process of self actualization and growth. 🥰🥰
I know so many people in my personal life who are separating or separated with children recently. It can be really hard, especially at first, but in every case in my circle, the coparenting is going really well now. Hopefully you and your husband find the right solution for both of you and your child(ren).
That dog is loving being your emotional support puppy. He's like yeah I'm here for you but man that feels good.
Wishing you peace and wisdom during this transition time 💜
Ellie, I hope you have all the strength and peace you need during this time. I cant imagine the pain of separation.
I've been wanting to share what an amazing person I think you are. I have been deconstructing for several years now. seeing your courage and honesty and freedom is so encouraging. what you are doing here has made such a difference to me.
please take care of yourself. you deserve to be happy
That’s wonderful that you both are able to recognize this and focus on coparenting. Your honesty and clear communication are so wonderful.
*so many hugs* I kind of sensed this coming, so when I saw this video come up, I wasn’t surprised, but I was sad. Not because I think you should be married or to stay in a relationship that neither of you feel happy in, but just because I recently watched my older sister go through one hell of an acrimonious divorce, preceded my months and years of trying to fix their relationship and having it go tits up.
And somehow, despite being older than you by 5 or 6 years, I look up to you. You were raised in literal hell, and you came out of it, so I see you as an older sibling type (despite having two of my own, and…maybe it’s the fact that, 37 or not, I’m still the baby of the family, and a cool older sibling is a cool older sibling, whether they’re related to me or not?)
Lots of love to all of you, and I hope that, ultimately, what y’all end up is happy.
❤️💜💙 Sasha (they/she)
Have listened to two of your videos so far. I lost my faith at 19 standing on the steps of my Methodist Church with a petition against the Vietnam War which NO ONE no one! would sign! But on a slightly different note I have been happily married to my husband ( I'm Judy by the way) for 34 years ( he is 12 years younger then me). We all make life choices and we have a RIGHT to whatever those are.
sending you both such love and support! it's scary but it's so healthy and good to be willing to take a step back and think about what you need and what you want. i wish that was something that my parents had modeled for me growing up. 💜💜
As someone who grew up in a household with an abusive father (not nearly as much to me as to my mom) and a mother too afraid to leave the marriage because of sin and how it would make her look at church, I think it's pretty cool of you and your husband to realize and admit when things aren't working, and to change however you need to to make the family dynamic work for you both and your kiddo's needs. We love to see it.
Thank you for your openness and sharing. I'm so glad that you are taking the time and space you need to figure out what is best for everyone and how to ensure you all get to find the path that will make each of you happiest. I so deeply respect those that choose to model how to prioritize their wellness and happiness to their kids, whether that means marriage, separation, or divorce. Children can learn that they are allowed to value themselves through this and it's so important.
I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband are having difficulties. I hope that however it turns out, it's the best thing for both of you. Thank you for sharing your story anyway, along with all the others you've shared. Your journey has helped me with my own faith deconstruction.
You are very brave, thank you for being so open. Great looking dog!
Thank you for making this. While we as an audience are of course not entitled to any information about your life, your willingness to share this reminds me that relationships move and change as the individuals within them do, and that that is okay. Sending you and your family love and peace.❤️
Your pup is so adorable!!!
I hope you both are doing well. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to navigate relationships and sexuality given your upbringing. You have learned so much, and have changed so much since you got married, it’s like you are not the same person in many ways. Of course issues are bound to arise. Thank you so much for sharing your life and helping others who may be in similar situations. I think you’re pretty awesome.
Nova, give your hooman lots of emotional support - hooman stuff is hard.
Puppers!
Your openness is appreciated. I know that's not easy.
Such a sweeet puppy dog thank you for sharing!
Elly we are all rooting for you as you pass through to your next phase of life. It’s scary, but so is apostatizing! We all wishing you nothing but healing and love
Keeping you in my thoughts, Ellie. You've been a great inspiration as I navigate leaving my religious upbringing as a mentally ill (ADD, depression, and anxiety) polyamorous person. Thank you for your candid honesty and everything you've shared. May you and those closest to you find peace and happiness.
I feel like there is so much more love and new people in your future, and I'm really glad you're making the right choices for yourself and not forcing a relationship that could work better on different terms. Love your videos and thank you for sharing with us
Sweet pup, I know this must have difficult for you.❤
So happy you have your fur baby for support.
My husband and I have a complex relationship as well. We have been together for 25 years, married for 20. The last 5ish years have asexual. We are still married, live together, and Co-parent. Yet our intimate needs are fulfilled with other partners. It haa made being a couple far easier for both of us.
May you find happiness in whatever form meets your needs.
I hope that, however it works out, you both end up in a happy and healthy place. You're doing such great work in this channel, I wish you the best.
Hugs! It's a hard time but may be worth it for both of you, whatever the outcome.
Thank you for sharing. I've found a lot of healing in hearing you stories. My journey is different from yours, but I relate to the general culture. Also, and I cannot stress this enough, puppies for emotional grounding are the best! Your pooch is such a sweet presence here for you🐾💖
Thanks for sharing. I had certainly been curious. Best of luck in your current path of discovery.
Proud of you both for being adults and making hard and yet good choices to benefit the whole family. Some people are better off being coparents. You got this!
To agree to separate is one of the biggest, hardest decisions you could possibly have to make as a responsible couple, especially one that has a child together. As tough as it is to admit, sometimes people are just going two different ways or simply there is no compromise to something. And being in a relationship with someone when there's these things going on can obviously create tension or stress. That tension and stress can affect your physical well-being. And you sill need to focus on doing what's best for you and your kid(s). Taking care of yourself, will help you in turn to take care of your child. And also this could one day be used to teach your kid that when it comes to relationships, sometimes the reality is things aren't forever (which is a Christian narrative to follow anyway.) I could rant about that, actually. And that also there are good, healthy reasons why parents might need to separate.
My fundie family made no plans for me to further my education. They talked about college funds for my brothers, but never for me. When I'd tell them I wanted to be a paleontologist when I grew up, they'd just look at each other. I realized their plans for me when I was about 10, but wasn't actually sure until recently (I'm 26). The reason they never prepared me for high school or college? They thought I'd get married to someone successful and not work. They expected me to be married when I turned 18- with someone my father approved of. My step sister later went on to do exactly that life narrative and well- things don't always turn out so great when you're legally binned to someone you met before both of your brains were even done developing. Again, there are so many valid reasons for things not working out. Doesn't mean anyone was a failure- but that's the narrative many people believe- even when they aren't religious (which honestly confuses me.) It is in my VERY unpopular opinion that marriage shouldnt be legally binding as is, especially when it's contributing to so much abuse and such. We all know someone who's been through a "nasty divorce" or "can't afford to divorce" ect. Like idk, I just personally feel making it so official like that kinda contributes to a lot of toxic behavior and domestic violence as well. If you're unhappy in a relationship, regardless of reason, you should honestly be able to leave if you want to. Wow this is hard to follow, sorry adhd. But hopefully the point to deconstruct people's opinions on marriage is there.
Wishing the best for you and your family 💜 Thank you always for your honesty and vulnerability, you are really encouraging and appreciated so much.
Ouch. That is really, really hard. I really hope you feel as good as you can and keep taking care of yrself. You are a good person and I like you.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story, you're clearly a very strong and brave woman, and a great role model to anyone who might be going through similar things
Appreciate you sharing this. You are doing big things on this channel. Freeing yourself and other people on here talking about your story! 💜
I divorced from my husband I met at 18, we were together for ten years total, five married and my coming out as queer and nonbinary was too much for him. He said it was moreso the fact that he didn’t want to engage in social justice movements for my rights as a trans person. It’s not for the faint of heart and ai’m glad I knew before we had kids! But now I’m trying to do IUI and might never have kids 🤷♂️ life is crazy
You're awesome elly!! Thank you for sharing.
Sending you so much love. ❤️
Also the way you use music in your videos always brings me to tears.
I hope that everything will turn out alright for you and your family, whatever that means for you! I really wish y‘all the best!