I have been saying this now for two months. Telling everyone that this should be told to everyone. Cause i never learned this at school.com. I told my doctor as well. But i dont know if they would bring it at school. I dont know why they are NOT explaining this stuff. Why ? Dont they know they would save ppl from getting a BURN OUT and would stop jobless people from getting sick and looseing confidence and end up to be drug addicts. Why dont they teach us this stuff. I am really mad not with every one but my self. We all learn by mistakes but this mistakes of just not knowing. And the reason is cause ur being nice to a devil. Being nice is not good. It atracts the narcs.
I think lots of us have thought it’s supposed to be like that. Like my first reaction to reading that was “aww sweet isn’t that what love was always about” ugh
codependency is an epidemic. all of these traits you listed is just how most people communicate on a regular basis. i’ve found evolving and developing myself over the years where i don’t feel i need to act in these ways has actually made people feel i’m weird and “difficult” to cooperate with. it’s really exhausting and then there’s the part where you don’t want to apologize/explain yourself for your actions which is again codependent
I do not have relationships. I see how people are in general in society and it looks awful to me. I rarely attempt connections with others because there seems little point. I might have swung the pendulum too far the other side from how very open I was in the past. I have practically no one during my lifetime.
I’ve done a ton of self-help, self-awareness work (e.g., Adult Children Of Alcoholics, John Bradshaw, therapy) and in my last relationship I was told I am not compassionate when I try to watch my codependent tendencies. For example, saying no when I mean no (instead of saying yes and harboring resentment), letting the ex know I’m here for them if they communicate to me what they need or want (being told they don’t know what they need), and me communicating (through non violent communication) my feelings. One night I didn’t feel like cuddling so I said so. Well, dating someone who doesn’t work on this stuff is a recipe for disaster. They viewed all of this as me being mean or not compassionate. Meanwhile, they never clearly communicated what they needed or wanted from me and decided to leave. All I want is to communicate. I find it exciting to build emotional intimacy, but I’m realizing most people don’t even broach these subjects (codependency, boundaries, etc.).
i understand what you are saying. all these things labelled unhealthy here is propagated as 'romantic' and 'passionate' in our culture, in our books and movies and media. so if our partner is not aware of healthy relationships and boundaries, they will this behaviour as cold and dispassionate
I also just got out of one that ended in a similar fashion, what you described to a T. It's confusing to stick with your guns while being told you're cold or withdrawn even though you put all your cards on the table and still couldn't see eye to eye in terms of openness. Suppose it's all apart of learning.
If you are personally working on these subjects and don't have a mate that is at least willing to dive into or understand the subjects, then the relationship is doomed. If a two cylinder engine is only running on one cylinder, the failure of that engine is eminent.
Matthew Freye most real men never communicate enough to build emotional intimacy. That is an epidemic for sure. Tons of us codependent women seeking validation and emotional intimacy from narcissistic men.
I've seen people go into a marriage with good boundaries. But over time they lose themselves b/c of the gaslighting and manipulationn of a narcissistic partner. They end up with 'fleas'.
For the past two years, I've made it a focus to be true to myself and, as you say, live with congruency. It's been a tough road, especially after coming out of very codependent relationship with a lot of cheating, blaming, resentment, etc. Things are so much better now, and while I'm still very flawed, I've come to accept and love myself for who I am. Your video has shown me how far I've come from those dark days, as well as confirmed for me that I'm the right path. Very grateful for people like you who have taken the time to teach others and show them how to live healthy, happy lives. Keep it up.
Daniel Martin congratulations on coming out of a dark place starting your journey took strength and courage and your comment is a testimony that gives others who are struggling hope
I needed to have known this 20 years ago.I can't believe I was stupid and weak enough to stay in unhealthy abusive relationships where I did exactly that,allow someone else's experiences and emotions to trump my own.I use to think that was love.god,how could I have been so stupid.It has taken years and years of heartache and suffering to get to the point where I realise that all you have said is true.May we all learn how to have healthy,respectful relationships with others and ourselves.That is the only way forward.Thanks for making such clear videos like these.
It's not about being weak. We all need relationships. Sometimes for whatever reason we attract certain types of people. It doesn't help you by calling yourself stupid or other negative names or labels. Some of us didn't have the best role models as parents. We are all on a journey of self discovery. I've had to end certain friendships and relationships because they were causing me intense pain. If people can't or won't accept your boundaries I really think they don't value or respect you. It's difficult sometimes to walk away but in the long run you will heal. And grow. When one door closes another one opens. Hopefully to a brighter and better place. Thank you for another inspirational and helpful video.
Upenda Sana : you are not stupid. We all make decisions we regret from time to time. I had two separate relationships, of four years and another of five years; and I regret the time I wasted but it’s done and it taught me a lot about what I don’t want in a relationship and I’ve learned more about myself. Life offers a lot of learning experiences. You are a wonderful person and you will be better equipped for the future. Be happy and show yourself love.
stupid and weak are words that show a dysfunctional factor that is a bully within you. You are bullying yourself with these words. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. This is the real reason you put up with it. As you have been a victim bullying yourself. Those we are with treat us the way we let them treat us. By putting up with it we say it is ok for them to do it, and that we deserve it. This inner belief is what needs to change. You are loved. But probably are very toxic to yourself and others with this dysfunctional dynamic. You need to understand it with professional help so that you don't keep messing things up in your misunderstanding and reacting with the bully within. Take care. I hope you find peace. You are worth it. Be patient with yourself and others, for none of them knows what they are doing much of the time they trigger issues. Research the Victim Mentality and you will find it describes most of the dysfunctional baggage you experience often as a habit. The need to blame and get angry at another or yourself is all part of the horrible effects of it as a life style at subconscious levels. It is something to understand and break free from. It is manipulated by some. And all have triggers of being a victim at some time in their life. And with these triggers we are not ourselves, we are stuck in the victim loops. Learning a different option is an antidote to a virus.
Thank you so much for this video. I have had this problem for years and have wasted many years in unhealthy relationships either being taken advantage of or expecting too much from my partner and becoming upset when I don’t get what I expect. I wanted to be worthy of their love so I would try to do anything that could make their life better and if I fell short I was scared they would leave me. When you’re not complete and you don’t have high self esteem you really put yourself in a position to really get hurt. This really should be though in middle, high school or college. Everyone needs this information. For some of this, this emotional health doesn’t just come naturally.
People with high self esteem are in toxic relationships as well. We have a tendency not to endear ourselves with people who are compatible but rather accessible.
You have a very calm, sensitive, and genuine demeanor I can tell you are passionate, empathetic and wanting to help others comes from an authentic place. I think you’d be a great example for clients/people who are looking to a therapist/role model to demonstrate what a secure relationship looks like
the most common thing ive experienced is being expected to mind read, and when i couldn't i was told i was inconsiderate. " if you don't know you must not care." drove me to be a neurotic mess. then a yelling mess
Totally! Here’s an example for people who can’t understand. He loved going out to eat so several times a week the conversation went like this: Him: where do you want to eat? Me: Anywhere sounds good. How about Olive Garden? Him: *sigh* Well *I* wanted the Mexican restaurant!!! Me: Well that sounds good too. Him: No no no no no, we’ll go to Olive Garden. Me: I really can eat anything. Mexican sounds good too. Him: *silently drives us to Olive Garden and acts resentful the rest of the whole evening.* I started trying to get him to say what he wanted first but he will refuse. If I happen to guess the ‘correct’ answer then the rest of our evening is great. 🙄
Thank you for this video. I am dating a woman who is VERY independent. We certainly don’t have a codependent relationship. The issue for me is it feels like she could walk away tomorrow and it wouldn’t affect her. I don’t want a codependent relationship and I wouldn’t want her to be completely crushed if things don’t work out. At the same time, I think it’s healthy to want to know that the other person cares about you on a deep level.
Hi. Check out interdependence. I think that's a healthy balance between independence and dependence. In relationships we should provide for ourselves and be whole but still nice to trust and rely on others:)
so basically you and your GF/Bf must be independent(know who they are what they want and have what they actually need) problem most people don't even know who they are or even sadder dont know what they want(dreams/Goals)
Codependency can still happen. I was very independent, thriving on my own, chasing a new career, but once I got into my relationship and life changes started happening, my empathy grew greater for my partner. I was still doing all the things I did before, but slowly I started doing more for this other person. I was not taught a health y relationship and things seemed so normal from people I spoke to at the time. I read that a child who has to mature and be more responsible than the parent can lead to a codependent adult relationship. We tend to care so greatly for others, and slowly putting everything into the relationship without noticing it.
That's why it's important to always know who you are, what you want, and where you stand. If you don't know it's your responsibility to find that out. I think it's way easier to have dreams and goals if you really know who you are..It can be hard to know who you are and to stay true to who you are because of outside influences such as society...and family friends etc....people have to realize outside influences should never control who you actually are inside. If they do then you have effectively given your life into the hands of another and therefore are in a codependent relationship and you will forever be chasing whatever it is they want you to be and of course you will be extremely unhappy in the end. The problem is many people are too lazy, too scared, or just don't care enough to invest in finding out and hanging onto who they actually are. Most are afraid of what others think. I know I was afraid of what others thought at times but then I thought you know what these people are flawed and may be just as afraid and living a life they can't even bear to love or honor so who cares then I just be ME. I always have said if you see a world that's eerily similar then there are a lot of fake people out there. We are individuals and not clones and as soon as we realize this society will be better because people will be happier. The reason why people are so afraid of what's different is because it's a mirror reflecting back to them that they have given into other's influence and are no longer actually themselves. That is frightening and heartbreaking and no one likes facing that. The very fact that we all can say the same things but speak it in different phrases, words, and sentences tells me we were never meant to be exactly the same. Not everybody wants a marriage, not everybody wants kids, and not everybody wants a house with a white picket fence, and the moment you understand this and are happy with that information it frees you...and what frees you even more is not caring that others disagree that you don't need those things. lol. Another thing I say is if you can die feeling honored by the life you led then your life was worth it because it was done your way and nobody else's.
I am trying to overcome codependency. I was in a 25 yr marriage with a psychopath woman. I have been researching for about 2 yrs. now, and I think you are right. I have not seen any other video cover the things you are talking about. Other videos I have seen may dabble a little; however, your video presents the problems and solutions in a very clear and direct manner. I will have to watch this video over and over again because you covered a lot here. Also, I need to meditate on the things you said, to let it really sink in. Thank you very much for taking the time to make this video. God bless you.
I found K Snowden after an infidelity betrayal in my marriage. Now I’m learning how to have a healthier relationships all the way around. Thank you soooo much!
Yep It's so true the media TV movies teach and project the norm of unhealthy dysfunctional relationships that healthy relationships are almost seemingly "unreal " In a world full of fakery and people not willing to love themselves in a healthy way but expecting others to "Love " them.Chasing love is a fools game as many of us know One of the soundest pieces of advice I got was to love yourself first and it's only by loving accepting ourselves and yeh ..even those so called unlovable parts that we can really begin to open to ourselves to a healthy relationship It's an understated truth that if we don't love accept and appreciate ourselves then we don't know how to appreciate others Great sound and very well presented in every way Thanks a Million for the time and effort put into this for us struggling with this challenge.Blessings
I needed this all my life and I am 39 yrs old. It would have saved me my money; my peace of mind as well. Though I did good in the final questionnaire and I was conflicted with gaslighting all my life especially my last relationship. I did go to see two counselors however, but I did not learn as much as the 3 videos you made. God Bless You
yah i counted on my boyfriend to accept me, yet he was hot then cold. i feel desperate in relationships, and the power is always in thier hands. then he is miserable and i feel like its all my fault cuz im not good enough. i put all my self worth in relationships, and when they stop loving me it feels like dieing, my entire history is relationships of 2 years or more but it always ends bad, and im left with no self esteem.
my advice is let the guy come to u and save sex for marriage.. if u do these things then the guy will have to learn to care about u or move on... and u may be thinking "well most guys will move on" ur probably right but its better than having your heart ripped out of your anal cavity..... do these things i have recommended to you and be upfront about the sex thing
joan baczek : I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I think it helps to put your self first. If something makes you uncomfortable don’t do it . And realize you are never alone, if you feel complete and good about yourself, when that other person leaves you can still find happiness in yourself. I wish you the best. I know it’s hard, I have been there and I’m still working on finding my way.
@@janicepaul9957 , the recommendation it's not about not giving your body away :) Nature made the sexual instinct very powerful for procreational purpose , and this instinct on some occasions may override the survival instinct. However the suggestion is about balance. You give something - you must receive something. A man has to earn the sexual giving. That's so again for human race purpose. And remember - if one doesn't work for something it doesn't see a value in the something.
Dr Snowden you are simply amazing and i appreciate you, helping humanity be more human. I specially like the way you explain everything, its not only from a personal perspective but also i can tell that you feel everything while you explain yet you have a terrific control on your intellect and recall all at once. Your knowledge and the way you communicate it is a gift for all watching and learning here. My gratutude ❤
Wow! Thank you! That’s so great to hear. I’ve been really trying to improve the quality of what I offer to those who value independent study and growth. I’ll be releasing a big, comprehensive online course soon with almost everything that I teach. Along with my 80 page curriculum book. Just waiting for the tech people to put it up!!
Just ended a relationship over these oversteps. I tend to be a little traditional, but it is misunderstood and there are men who don't know a healthy form of that and will put you on their radar. It's not to step over boundaries or fix someone, or to take issue with each person's individuality. It's not about insecurity or trying to micromanage anyone. We are both grown adults. I'm not weak minded or passive, I just choose to be more feminine because I like it. This wasn't a long relationship, just long enough for me to see what I needed to and respectfully decline.
Straight up this comment box just doesn't express the overwhelming appreciation I have for the thoughtful gift of your time and knowledge! Thank you ma'am!
Thank you so much Kirsten - I really need to hear this! I’m trying to recover & reinvent myself after a 40 year narcissistic relationship with infidelity, sex addiction, financial infidelity etc..
Thank you for commenting. I have a betrayed partner group starting in a couple weeks if you think that’s something that would help you. All info on my website kristinsnowden.com
This is the number one true reason that many people have failing relationships, or go rush for relationships only to come out disappointed. This video is it.
Omg thank you Kristin... I never realized I never knew how to properly relate to others. My issues are rooted in codependency and it this totally makes sense and makes me feel like I have some tools now thanks!
Dignity is our best friend that will, by default, teach us healthy boundaries to live by, and of which to expect of others whom wish to share a relationship with us. These healthy boundaries in which you set for yourself, and live by, are in your own best interest; And, in the same way, these same boundaries and principles expected of a mate, are also in "their" best interest, because they are boundaries set up by the selfless guidance of dignity,(they are universal & universally beneficial). Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to be willing to say no to someone.
I like the way you approach these subjects, using emotionally relatable examples while speaking professionally and pointedly. Looking forward to more on this channel.
Holyyy, crap. You just described me so accurately with that last quiz, it's uncanny. I'm binging all your videos right now and I've never related so much yet felt so horrified.
You’re a beautiful human being and you deserve to be so much bigger than you are. I believe that you said and explained everything that needed to be said, and that a lot of people will feel a lot better with themselves after watching this. Thank you for your contribution and care for our society, and really showing us the healthy and unhealthy aspects of what can happen in relationships 🙏❤️
I appreciate the quality of your videos. Since processing and changing from a long toxic marriage I have searched for help on UA-cam when therapy was not available. You present information in a clear manner that I can remember and hope to pass on to my teenage daughter.
Hi Kristin. A super video. You have helped me understand the boundary issues I have with my mother. I will download your information sheet right now. You have an excellent way of presenting what is a complex issue. Thanks again and keep up the good work. Best regards. Andy, London. UK.
If no one compromises a little, nothing works. Both can’t be pulling and tugging the opposite directions. I had a ex who only wanted to be in a part time relationship. 4 hours max every Friday. Little to no communication. Wanted me to spend more time with her family than with her. Her life was put together and really busy. And days where I needed just a hug or a phone call. Like the saying goes, “No one is busy. Their priorities are just different.” Said I was her priority but I didn’t feel that way.
Thanks for posting! This was great because I have found that whenever I have established boundaries I often felt guilt because I didn't know if I did the right thing or if I was being to harsh and would judge myself for it later, but now I realize I was doing the correct thing and actually honoring myself. So I just thank you for the knowledge you brought with this video. I would actually feel rotten when someone treated be horribly and would react accordingly intuitively either by cutting off the relationship, limiting myself around the person or situation, or I would not speak with the person when they were being nasty but as I stated I would often feel guilty or bad about it later. This video actually opened me up in ways that I needed and may have even opened up areas in my brain/thoughts never opened. I needed to understand there is no guilt or shame when setting a boundary. It's a hard choice but you have to make it and when you do most likely there will always be a level of discomfort. Choosing between resentment and discomfort has to be done and will most likely cause you to feel uncomfortable but has to be done and resentment is always harder to bear. It's like choosing between setting your whole body on fire or just chopping off your finger...both are hard to choose from but one is obviously worse than the other... I'd rather cut off my finger. I think it's amazing that you can take psychology courses but never are really taught about actual relationships in college or public school. I feel people should most certainly be educated on it as some of us don't have the best role models to learn from to have healthy relationships so being educated on it in a formal setting would be of utmost help. I thank UA-cam for being so open to have so many great minds available for people to learn from! I was just thinking in life sometimes it's so sad because so much of our lives is relational yet many of us struggle to relate because we lack the proper and helpful tools. If only everyone could watch this video they may better understand what's happening to them and really navigate through life healthier and more whole.
I'm glad you were interested. I noticed the correlation, between psionic script and physiological influences, which effectually change the relative outcome of psychological relationships. Initial and subsequent durations of conditioning create variable outcomes. Thank you.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and you are both for the most part complete individuals but struggle with a couple of those codependent traits or tendencies, Do you recommend separating and working it out on your own separately? Or Staying together & working it out, but giving space when necessary?? What do you do if you both care about each other but have to fix certain things within yourselves to make sure and maintain that it doesn't go towards codependency??
Those are really significant questions to be answering with such little information. The answer could go both ways depending on a lot of factors. I'd encourage you to seek out help locally from a therapist who is educated on these topics to explore these questions.
I’d also like to add, and I am not a therapist, that communication (in my opinion) is absolutely necessary. If you are communicating all of this together that sounds like a great start. However, I have to agree that there’s potentially a lot more that needs to be discussed first. I just wanted to express how important honest and open communication is.
Thank you Kristin, this helps me to better explore and understand the root causes of my codependent tendencies and the effect this had on my relationship. I hope to build healthy boundaries and self esteem/identity from here
Very good video and it points to the healthy minded person already being content and happy and creative in life without someone else. They already know their self worth and value and thus do not need external factors to validate that. Thank you, good message here.
Rock N very true but we can't rely on anything for self worth and value as they could be gone in a puff too... our self worth can only come from something that is never changing no matter what. Like a rock. Jesus Christ is the answer and through believing in Him becoming a child of God!
Thank you this was very helpful for me. My boyfriends have always called me codependent and I never quite understood until I watched this just now, thank you for including the worksheet.
For unhealthy relationship to have any chance to become healthier there must be fundamental change in both participants. Fundamental change happen in a human being only and only when a high emotional charge event happen. And that's not enough as change can go either way. Self work ( learning self love, self respect, personal boundaries,ect) work as well therapy is a must in the process.
I think so I just wouldn't try to convince someone unhealthy to become healthy or you could end up beating a dead horse or you could end up trying to be a fixer and end up wasting your time and feeling drained if they don't change. They have to come to their own conclusion that they need to healthier. She certainly put a lot of tools in here to identify if the person is healthy or not ..and I'd say if they are trying and to do the healthy things she's stating then they are trying to be healthier.
@@detraed8962 , your words are right at the core of the issue. I often tell my clients " Are you ready to let go of the things that make you sick, about their physical health or the things that make their relationship unhealthy, otherwise it would be a great challenge to assist you with my professional expertise.
By far THE BEST, most complete explanation I have ever found. Can’t wait to share this with my daughter and implement this model in every area of my life 💕 THANK YOU!
Thank you!! So glad to hear it. If this resonated, make sure to check out everything I have on my website. I have several more tools, lectures and info that can help build healthy relationships. www.kristinsnowden.com/
Thank you for explaining the difference between a healthy, interdependent relationship and unhealthy, co-dependant relationship. I think part of my struggle has been: 1.) I've been a life long patient and I've had to put up with some things I didn't like. Thus, I was co-dependant on my doctors since I have an ongoing congenital heart defect. 2.) I generally like to be nice and I hate having to "make waves". I strive to be a Peacemaker, I don't like to see arguments (so I try to blend in to avoid confrontations), and I try to get along with others. I've also wondered if I'm enough because according to Dr. Lund (3 love languages: Visual - Doer... endless projects or ways to improve, Verbal- Taking about things, and Being - Likes to enjoy the moment.), My Dad's a Doer, so it's sometimes hard to know if I'm enough or doing enough to please him. He's a good man, my Dad, but I just want to know he's proud of me. So it's sometimes hard to know how to stand up for myself and be confident as a person. Thanks again for empowering people like me who needs to be reminded that we have permission to stand up and be our own independant person. 😊
I really needed to hear all this!!! I've been in a rut lately and feeling lost, this talk really helped me to reassess my relationships at home and at work. I feel like i got realigned and uplifted from this info. So many times I see other people who seem to have it together and are just happier and on-track while I'm trying to keep up with yesterday. Those people aren't perfect, they just have a better understanding of all you were talking about with healthy relationships in life.
Thank you for all of your wonderful information. I recently left an toxic relationship, and I was wondering if you could do a video about prolonged effects of moving forward. Also some coping mechanisms that will help aid me. Thank you again, your so intelligent and beautiful.
This is such empowering information I wished I would have learned in the beginning. I am so thankful this has crossed paths with me now. Thankyou I am now watching all of your videos.
I’m so happy you’ve found it to be helpful. Tomorrow I’m also launching a big sale of my library of videos on my website. There are a ton of free and low cost resources on my website www.KristinSnowden.com
i am a love addict and i was recently in a codependent relationship that ended about a month ago. im struggling to find ways to change. im 25 and i dont know how to love myself. i dont know what i stand for. i dont have passions. i have severe anxiety. ive taken pills, ive been to therapy, even when i think im getting better and ready for a relationship, i lose myself again. i dont know what to do.
I go to ACA meetings and it’s been an incredible experience. I still and will continue to go! Also, John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming” series, which you can view some of on UA-cam! Life changing!!!!
Hi Sarah, your post was 3 years ago. How are you doing now? How have you grown? It took me 50 years to “come into my own” and live with integrity. My 20’s and 30’s were what I considered a series of false starts. Now I know, everything played out exactly as it was supposed to, even the worst days. I love myself now, and hope to hear you also love yourself today!
This is one of the best explanations I've seen on the subject on UA-cam. Absolutely brilliant analysis! I need that relationship questionnaire. Thank you!
This video is very balanced and informative. Thank you for putting this together. These issues and topics are so important and we do need to be discussing boundaries at a very early age. Emotions are essential to help guide us through life and we need to understand them much better. I am grateful for your knowledge and your compassion. All the best to you. :)
This is helping me heal from my toxic relationship. We've both been toxic and bettering since we were 17. We're 27 now and I broke up with ther after she crossed a boundary of mine for the first time of stealing. Its been so long and I wonder if individual and couples therapy is the answer. Your video was concise about some of my doubts about us. Keep the medicine coming and thank you.
Do you believe it is possible to stay in a relationship if you realized it is becoming codependent and if you begin to set boundaries/make changes & discuss with your SO about it... do you think there is hope & you CAN change & learn to love the right way? *Or is it too late?* Thanks.
While I can’t comment on your relationship because I don’t know anything about you or your partner or your relationship dynamics, I can say that I’ve witnessed amazing changes take place in relationships where there is willingness, courage, and honesty.
this tied together a lot of things for me. thank you so much for the work you put into these videos. I'll definitely be watching this one again and looking out for more videos to come.
To touch on the no mind reading part. In a toxic relationship, when you ask for what you need and how you need it, your toxic partner can say you’re controlling them. Just watch for that, and if it’s not corrected, get out sooner than later, they don’t want to or can’t meet your needs. Teal swan talks about emotional neglect in a great video on youtube.
OMG Kristin! What a blessing you are! This is soooooo needed! Ive learned these through the years and still pushing through but you communicated it so amazingly, right on! Im passing this on to groups of ladies i know. Keep it up!
WHAT DO I DO IF ALL OF MY ANSWERS AT THE END WERE YES? How can I move forward if I feel stucked in a pattern off codependency and I can't seem to change my mind ?
May I suggest that you begin by sitting with and getting comfortable with the idea that whatever may have caused you embarrassment, guilt or shame within your family of origin was/is not your burden to carry
Be loving, have boundaries, do your own thing, be vulnerable Have conflict, but only with rules. Don't get lost in a relationship, share interests. I am so sick of analyzing every second of my life. I don't have a relationship at all because of the endless contradictions. I just got exhausted. I have adult children and just want to have a good relationship with them.
This is so freakin good. I'm subscribing to your channel and passing this on to others. I just wish I could achieve this for myself. I'm 67, have done so much wrong, feel so lonely, and i feel hopeless, I have very few relationships and I feel very needy. I'm going to begin praying for myself to heal from this. My heart feels broken everyday. I hope my neurology can be fixed at this late stage in my life. I feel so much pain and sadness on most days. This is hard because it has to happen from the inside out. I feel like I can't even achieve this on my own. Pretty bad, right? I feel like I need a personal daily trainer to re-indoctrinate my mind and emotional system. My suggestion: if you are young, get this straight now. Start off on the right track, so you have a better, healthy, fulfilling life. May God give you victory,,,,and somehow, me too. 💛
there is no way to have a healthy relationship with an addict, or an alcoholic of a person who is not there. If you can see these people for who they really are, stand back.
Thankyou so much. I'm 22 and just discovered my issue after I have hit rock bottom. If you didn't create this material, I would have probably turned to who knows what. Thankyou!
I have found my True Self.. I would say how I relate to this video is that I stay in abusive relationships for too long.. I would say that it is my pride that tells me that I can handle it or that it is not abuse.. I got into Alanon in 2012 and a lot of what I was learning there was how to cope with the abuse.. When I got into ACA in 2015 I started learning more about what was actual abuse.. When I went out to SoCal in 2019 I started learning about complex PTSD.. That was really when my breakthrough started happening.. I would say that root of my abuse is neglect.. That is where the codependency starts for me.. I would say that would be my trigger.. Now learning what to do with that trigger is the challenge and I am open to suggestions.. I do understand the 2 halves don't make a whole concept..
Thank you so much for creating such enlightening content and for providing it openly and freely. Your generosity, kindness and selfless service to the world is deeply appreciated. Thank you 💖💖💖💖💖
Thank God for u and your video! I think this is meant to be bc im leaving my husband and its been hard long struggle. I kept taking him back. And i was getting lost and more lost. I am starting to love and respect my self and having others do so as well. This video affirmed all my feelings of why im leaving thia co-dependent /toxic relationship. Thanks again:)
"I believe that honest conflict has more social value than dishonest harmony"
This SHOULD be a subject in school. You are an educator in that respect. Thank you!
Lauren Sarrantonio No she's not. She thinks cheating is a normal part of marriage.
I have been saying this now for two months. Telling everyone that this should be told to everyone. Cause i never learned this at school.com. I told my doctor as well. But i dont know if they would bring it at school. I dont know why they are NOT explaining this stuff. Why ? Dont they know they would save ppl from getting a BURN OUT and would stop jobless people from getting sick and looseing confidence and end up to be drug addicts. Why dont they teach us this stuff. I am really mad not with every one but my self. We all learn by mistakes but this mistakes of just not knowing. And the reason is cause ur being nice to a devil. Being nice is not good. It atracts the narcs.
I totally agree because not all of us have great role models to learn from.
@@DC-vx7uj I think she's just saying cheating isn't necessarily tied to a personality disorder like codependency
My thought exactly
never loose yourself or compromise yourself for a relationship...
While "you complete me" sounds all sweet and romantic and everything...it's basically co-dependence at its finest.
Yes.. It is terrible
Wow, this is very well said.
When I say that people get upset but it's true.
I think lots of us have thought it’s supposed to be like that. Like my first reaction to reading that was “aww sweet isn’t that what love was always about” ugh
I really love the idea of thinking about a relationship as a seperate "living and breathing" entity.
codependency is an epidemic. all of these traits you listed is just how most people communicate on a regular basis. i’ve found evolving and developing myself over the years where i don’t feel i need to act in these ways has actually made people feel i’m weird and “difficult” to cooperate with. it’s really exhausting and then there’s the part where you don’t want to apologize/explain yourself for your actions which is again codependent
I do not have relationships. I see how people are in general in society and it looks awful to me. I rarely attempt connections with others because there seems little point. I might have swung the pendulum too far the other side from how very open I was in the past. I have practically no one during my lifetime.
Ha! Same here. Dating is a nightmare when you are mostly in the healthy boundary column. I'm happy to be single.
I'm 32 and don't plan on trying to find someone who will actually be dependable
I’ve done a ton of self-help, self-awareness work (e.g., Adult Children Of Alcoholics, John Bradshaw, therapy) and in my last relationship I was told I am not compassionate when I try to watch my codependent tendencies. For example, saying no when I mean no (instead of saying yes and harboring resentment), letting the ex know I’m here for them if they communicate to me what they need or want (being told they don’t know what they need), and me communicating (through non violent communication) my feelings. One night I didn’t feel like cuddling so I said so. Well, dating someone who doesn’t work on this stuff is a recipe for disaster. They viewed all of this as me being mean or not compassionate. Meanwhile, they never clearly communicated what they needed or wanted from me and decided to leave. All I want is to communicate. I find it exciting to build emotional intimacy, but I’m realizing most people don’t even broach these subjects (codependency, boundaries, etc.).
Maybe you took it too far and it backfired?
i understand what you are saying. all these things labelled unhealthy here is propagated as 'romantic' and 'passionate' in our culture, in our books and movies and media. so if our partner is not aware of healthy relationships and boundaries, they will this behaviour as cold and dispassionate
I also just got out of one that ended in a similar fashion, what you described to a T. It's confusing to stick with your guns while being told you're cold or withdrawn even though you put all your cards on the table and still couldn't see eye to eye in terms of openness. Suppose it's all apart of learning.
If you are personally working on these subjects and don't have a mate that is at least willing to dive into or understand the subjects, then the relationship is doomed. If a two cylinder engine is only running on one cylinder, the failure of that engine is eminent.
Matthew Freye most real men never communicate enough to build emotional intimacy. That is an epidemic for sure. Tons of us codependent women seeking validation and emotional intimacy from narcissistic men.
I've seen people go into a marriage with good boundaries. But over time they lose themselves b/c of the gaslighting and manipulationn of a narcissistic partner. They end up with 'fleas'.
Boundaries are wonderful and life changing ☺️
For the past two years, I've made it a focus to be true to myself and, as you say, live with congruency. It's been a tough road, especially after coming out of very codependent relationship with a lot of cheating, blaming, resentment, etc. Things are so much better now, and while I'm still very flawed, I've come to accept and love myself for who I am. Your video has shown me how far I've come from those dark days, as well as confirmed for me that I'm the right path. Very grateful for people like you who have taken the time to teach others and show them how to live healthy, happy lives. Keep it up.
Daniel Martin congratulations on coming out of a dark place starting your journey took strength and courage and your comment is a testimony that gives others who are struggling hope
I needed to have known this 20 years ago.I can't believe I was stupid and weak enough to stay in unhealthy abusive relationships where I did exactly that,allow someone else's experiences and emotions to trump my own.I use to think that was love.god,how could I have been so stupid.It has taken years and years of heartache and suffering to get to the point where I realise that all you have said is true.May we all learn how to have healthy,respectful relationships with others and ourselves.That is the only way forward.Thanks for making such clear videos like these.
Upenda Sana you were not weak, that’s the same feeling we all share today after being abused by narcissists.
It's not about being weak. We all need relationships. Sometimes for whatever reason we attract certain types of people. It doesn't help you by calling yourself stupid or other negative names or labels. Some of us didn't have the best role models as parents. We are all on a journey of self discovery. I've had to end certain friendships and relationships because they were causing me intense pain.
If people can't or won't accept your boundaries I really think they don't value or respect you. It's difficult sometimes to walk away but in the long run you will heal. And grow. When one door closes another one opens. Hopefully to a brighter and better place.
Thank you for another inspirational and helpful video.
Upenda Sana Be nice to yourself.
Upenda Sana : you are not stupid. We all make decisions we regret from time to time. I had two separate relationships, of four years and another of five years; and I regret the time I wasted but it’s done and it taught me a lot about what I don’t want in a relationship and I’ve learned more about myself. Life offers a lot of learning experiences. You are a wonderful person and you will be better equipped for the future. Be happy and show yourself love.
stupid and weak are words that show a dysfunctional factor that is a bully within you. You are bullying yourself with these words. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. This is the real reason you put up with it. As you have been a victim bullying yourself. Those we are with treat us the way we let them treat us. By putting up with it we say it is ok for them to do it, and that we deserve it. This inner belief is what needs to change. You are loved. But probably are very toxic to yourself and others with this dysfunctional dynamic. You need to understand it with professional help so that you don't keep messing things up in your misunderstanding and reacting with the bully within. Take care. I hope you find peace. You are worth it. Be patient with yourself and others, for none of them knows what they are doing much of the time they trigger issues.
Research the Victim Mentality and you will find it describes most of the dysfunctional baggage you experience often as a habit. The need to blame and get angry at another or yourself is all part of the horrible effects of it as a life style at subconscious levels. It is something to understand and break free from. It is manipulated by some. And all have triggers of being a victim at some time in their life. And with these triggers we are not ourselves, we are stuck in the victim loops. Learning a different option is an antidote to a virus.
Seems too often it is thought a relationship is loving when actually it is codependent.
Thank you so much for this video. I have had this problem for years and have wasted many years in unhealthy relationships either being taken advantage of or expecting too much from my partner and becoming upset when I don’t get what I expect. I wanted to be worthy of their love so I would try to do anything that could make their life better and if I fell short I was scared they would leave me. When you’re not complete and you don’t have high self esteem you really put yourself in a position to really get hurt. This really should be though in middle, high school or college. Everyone needs this information. For some of this, this emotional health doesn’t just come naturally.
People with high self esteem are in toxic relationships as well. We have a tendency not to endear ourselves with people who are compatible but rather accessible.
You have a very calm, sensitive, and genuine demeanor I can tell you are passionate, empathetic and wanting to help others comes from an authentic place. I think you’d be a great example for clients/people who are looking to a therapist/role model to demonstrate what a secure relationship looks like
the most common thing ive experienced is being expected to mind read, and when i couldn't i was told i was inconsiderate. " if you don't know you must not care." drove me to be a neurotic mess. then a yelling mess
joan baczek sounds like you're just blaming the other though?
Anne Clarkin what right do you have to write sth like that? you don't know her and her story
joan baczek 0how
Mind reading? Where have I heard that? mshhhh!
Totally!
Here’s an example for people who can’t understand.
He loved going out to eat so several times a week the conversation went like this:
Him: where do you want to eat?
Me: Anywhere sounds good. How about Olive Garden?
Him: *sigh* Well *I* wanted the Mexican restaurant!!!
Me: Well that sounds good too.
Him: No no no no no, we’ll go to Olive Garden.
Me: I really can eat anything. Mexican sounds good too.
Him: *silently drives us to Olive Garden and acts resentful the rest of the whole evening.*
I started trying to get him to say what he wanted first but he will refuse. If I happen to guess the ‘correct’ answer then the rest of our evening is great. 🙄
Thank you for this video. I am dating a woman who is VERY independent. We certainly don’t have a codependent relationship. The issue for me is it feels like she could walk away tomorrow and it wouldn’t affect her. I don’t want a codependent relationship and I wouldn’t want her to be completely crushed if things don’t work out. At the same time, I think it’s healthy to want to know that the other person cares about you on a deep level.
Hi. Check out interdependence. I think that's a healthy balance between independence and dependence. In relationships we should provide for ourselves and be whole but still nice to trust and rely on others:)
Coming back to this video years later, is a nice reminder of the information and how far I’ve come because of it. Thank you!
so basically you and your GF/Bf must be independent(know who they are what they want and have what they actually need)
problem most people don't even know who they are or even sadder dont know what they want(dreams/Goals)
Another way that it is said is that a relationship is two separate people sharing theirs lives together.
Codependency can still happen. I was very independent, thriving on my own, chasing a new career, but once I got into my relationship and life changes started happening, my empathy grew greater for my partner. I was still doing all the things I did before, but slowly I started doing more for this other person. I was not taught a health y relationship and things seemed so normal from people I spoke to at the time. I read that a child who has to mature and be more responsible than the parent can lead to a codependent adult relationship. We tend to care so greatly for others, and slowly putting everything into the relationship without noticing it.
That's why it's important to always know who you are, what you want, and where you stand. If you don't know it's your responsibility to find that out. I think it's way easier to have dreams and goals if you really know who you are..It can be hard to know who you are and to stay true to who you are because of outside influences such as society...and family friends etc....people have to realize outside influences should never control who you actually are inside. If they do then you have effectively given your life into the hands of another and therefore are in a codependent relationship and you will forever be chasing whatever it is they want you to be and of course you will be extremely unhappy in the end. The problem is many people are too lazy, too scared, or just don't care enough to invest in finding out and hanging onto who they actually are. Most are afraid of what others think. I know I was afraid of what others thought at times but then I thought you know what these people are flawed and may be just as afraid and living a life they can't even bear to love or honor so who cares then I just be ME. I always have said if you see a world that's eerily similar then there are a lot of fake people out there. We are individuals and not clones and as soon as we realize this society will be better because people will be happier. The reason why people are so afraid of what's different is because it's a mirror reflecting back to them that they have given into other's influence and are no longer actually themselves. That is frightening and heartbreaking and no one likes facing that. The very fact that we all can say the same things but speak it in different phrases, words, and sentences tells me we were never meant to be exactly the same. Not everybody wants a marriage, not everybody wants kids, and not everybody wants a house with a white picket fence, and the moment you understand this and are happy with that information it frees you...and what frees you even more is not caring that others disagree that you don't need those things. lol. Another thing I say is if you can die feeling honored by the life you led then your life was worth it because it was done your way and nobody else's.
I agree Chris
I am trying to overcome codependency. I was in a 25 yr marriage with a psychopath woman. I have been researching for about 2 yrs. now, and I think you are right. I have not seen any other video cover the things you are talking about. Other videos I have seen may dabble a little; however, your video presents the problems and solutions in a very clear and direct manner. I will have to watch this video over and over again because you covered a lot here. Also, I need to meditate on the things you said, to let it really sink in. Thank you very much for taking the time to make this video. God bless you.
I found K Snowden after an infidelity betrayal in my marriage. Now I’m learning how to have a healthier relationships all the way around. Thank you soooo much!
What an awesome video...you are right, healthy relationships are not taught and hard to find. Thank for the info & sharing this video.,
Yep It's so true the media TV movies teach and project the norm of unhealthy dysfunctional relationships that healthy relationships are almost seemingly "unreal " In a world full of fakery and people not willing to love themselves in a healthy way but expecting others to "Love " them.Chasing love is a fools game as many of us know One of the soundest pieces of advice I got was to love yourself first and it's only by loving accepting ourselves and yeh ..even those so called unlovable parts that we can really begin to open to ourselves to a healthy relationship It's an understated truth that if we don't love accept and appreciate ourselves then we don't know how to appreciate others Great sound and very well presented in every way Thanks a Million for the time and effort put into this for us struggling with this challenge.Blessings
“There’s people out there who are imperfect...” such an eloquent wonderful way to say this. Thank you!
I needed this all my life and I am 39 yrs old. It would have saved me my money; my peace of mind as well. Though I did good in the final questionnaire and I was conflicted with gaslighting all my life especially my last relationship. I did go to see two counselors however, but I did not learn as much as the 3 videos you made. God Bless You
yah i counted on my boyfriend to accept me, yet he was hot then cold. i feel desperate in relationships, and the power is always in thier hands. then he is miserable and i feel like its all my fault cuz im not good enough. i put all my self worth in relationships, and when they stop loving me it feels like dieing, my entire history is relationships of 2 years or more but it always ends bad, and im left with no self esteem.
💖 love addiction 💔
my advice is let the guy come to u and save sex for marriage.. if u do these things then the guy will have to learn to care about u or move on... and u may be thinking "well most guys will move on" ur probably right but its better than having your heart ripped out of your anal cavity..... do these things i have recommended to you and be upfront about the sex thing
Cloud Air yeah yeah how your body is all you own don't give it away
joan baczek : I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I think it helps to put your self first. If something makes you uncomfortable don’t do it . And realize you are never alone, if you feel complete and good about yourself, when that other person leaves you can still find happiness in yourself. I wish you the best. I know it’s hard, I have been there and I’m still working on finding my way.
@@janicepaul9957 , the recommendation it's not about not giving your body away :) Nature made the sexual instinct very powerful for procreational purpose , and this instinct on some occasions may override the survival instinct. However the suggestion is about balance. You give something - you must receive something. A man has to earn the sexual giving. That's so again for human race purpose. And remember - if one doesn't work for something it doesn't see a value in the something.
Dr Snowden you are simply amazing and i appreciate you, helping humanity be more human. I specially like the way you explain everything, its not only from a personal perspective but also i can tell that you feel everything while you explain yet you have a terrific control on your intellect and recall all at once. Your knowledge and the way you communicate it is a gift for all watching and learning here. My gratutude ❤
Thank you for such a kind note. I’m so happy my videos have been helpful to you.
I started watching you 5 years ago. I still revisit this video to help me remember and to navigate my relationships even to this day. Thank you 🙏
Wow! Thank you! That’s so great to hear.
I’ve been really trying to improve the quality of what I offer to those who value independent study and growth. I’ll be releasing a big, comprehensive online course soon with almost everything that I teach. Along with my 80 page curriculum book. Just waiting for the tech people to put it up!!
Just ended a relationship over these oversteps. I tend to be a little traditional, but it is misunderstood and there are men who don't know a healthy form of that and will put you on their radar. It's not to step over boundaries or fix someone, or to take issue with each person's individuality. It's not about insecurity or trying to micromanage anyone. We are both grown adults. I'm not weak minded or passive, I just choose to be more feminine because I like it. This wasn't a long relationship, just long enough for me to see what I needed to and respectfully decline.
Straight up this comment box just doesn't express the overwhelming appreciation I have for the thoughtful gift of your time and knowledge! Thank you ma'am!
Thank you so much Kirsten - I really need to hear this! I’m trying to recover & reinvent myself after a 40 year narcissistic relationship with infidelity, sex addiction, financial infidelity etc..
Thank you for commenting. I have a betrayed partner group starting in a couple weeks if you think that’s something that would help you. All info on my website kristinsnowden.com
This is the number one true reason that many people have failing relationships, or go rush for relationships only to come out disappointed. This video is it.
Omg thank you Kristin... I never realized I never knew how to properly relate to others. My issues are rooted in codependency and it this totally makes sense and makes me feel like I have some tools now thanks!
Dignity is our best friend that will, by default, teach us healthy boundaries to live by, and of which to expect of others whom wish to share a relationship with us. These healthy boundaries in which you set for yourself, and live by, are in your own best interest; And, in the same way, these same boundaries and principles expected of a mate, are also in "their" best interest, because they are boundaries set up by the selfless guidance of dignity,(they are universal & universally beneficial). Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to be willing to say no to someone.
I like the way you approach these subjects, using emotionally relatable examples while speaking professionally and pointedly. Looking forward to more on this channel.
Thank you! Your "Who I am" worksheet really helps for those who struggle to find their self identity.
Holyyy, crap. You just described me so accurately with that last quiz, it's uncanny. I'm binging all your videos right now and I've never related so much yet felt so horrified.
You’re a beautiful human being and you deserve to be so much bigger than you are. I believe that you said and explained everything that needed to be said, and that a lot of people will feel a lot better with themselves after watching this. Thank you for your contribution and care for our society, and really showing us the healthy and unhealthy aspects of what can happen in relationships 🙏❤️
I appreciate the quality of your videos. Since processing and changing from a long toxic marriage I have searched for help on UA-cam when therapy was not available. You present information in a clear manner that I can remember and hope to pass on to my teenage daughter.
Hi Kristin. A super video. You have helped me understand the boundary issues I have with my mother. I will download your information sheet right now. You have an excellent way of presenting what is a complex issue. Thanks again and keep up the good work. Best regards. Andy, London. UK.
You have no idea how wonderful and freeing this was to watch... thank you so much!
Very healthy guidrlines, Kristen. Thank you for keeping many of us on our toes regarding toxic/healthy relationships.
If no one compromises a little, nothing works. Both can’t be pulling and tugging the opposite directions. I had a ex who only wanted to be in a part time relationship. 4 hours max every Friday. Little to no communication. Wanted me to spend more time with her family than with her. Her life was put together and really busy. And days where I needed just a hug or a phone call. Like the saying goes, “No one is busy. Their priorities are just different.” Said I was her priority but I didn’t feel that way.
Thanks for posting! This was great because I have found that whenever I have established boundaries I often felt guilt because I didn't know if I did the right thing or if I was being to harsh and would judge myself for it later, but now I realize I was doing the correct thing and actually honoring myself. So I just thank you for the knowledge you brought with this video. I would actually feel rotten when someone treated be horribly and would react accordingly intuitively either by cutting off the relationship, limiting myself around the person or situation, or I would not speak with the person when they were being nasty but as I stated I would often feel guilty or bad about it later. This video actually opened me up in ways that I needed and may have even opened up areas in my brain/thoughts never opened. I needed to understand there is no guilt or shame when setting a boundary. It's a hard choice but you have to make it and when you do most likely there will always be a level of discomfort. Choosing between resentment and discomfort has to be done and will most likely cause you to feel uncomfortable but has to be done and resentment is always harder to bear. It's like choosing between setting your whole body on fire or just chopping off your finger...both are hard to choose from but one is obviously worse than the other... I'd rather cut off my finger. I think it's amazing that you can take psychology courses but never are really taught about actual relationships in college or public school. I feel people should most certainly be educated on it as some of us don't have the best role models to learn from to have healthy relationships so being educated on it in a formal setting would be of utmost help. I thank UA-cam for being so open to have so many great minds available for people to learn from! I was just thinking in life sometimes it's so sad because so much of our lives is relational yet many of us struggle to relate because we lack the proper and helpful tools. If only everyone could watch this video they may better understand what's happening to them and really navigate through life healthier and more whole.
I'm glad you were interested. I noticed the correlation, between psionic script and physiological influences, which effectually change the relative outcome of psychological relationships. Initial and subsequent durations of conditioning create variable outcomes. Thank you.
Definitely have seen this take place. Glad to know more. Thank you.
If you are in a relationship with someone, and you are both for the most part complete individuals but struggle with a couple of those codependent traits or tendencies, Do you recommend separating and working it out on your own separately? Or Staying together & working it out, but giving space when necessary?? What do you do if you both care about each other but have to fix certain things within yourselves to make sure and maintain that it doesn't go towards codependency??
Those are really significant questions to be answering with such little information. The answer could go both ways depending on a lot of factors. I'd encourage you to seek out help locally from a therapist who is educated on these topics to explore these questions.
I’d also like to add, and I am not a therapist, that communication (in my opinion) is absolutely necessary. If you are communicating all of this together that sounds like a great start. However, I have to agree that there’s potentially a lot more that needs to be discussed first. I just wanted to express how important honest and open communication is.
love the close up and relaxed format. very human and relaxing
Thank you for the Love Addict-Love Avoidant video, and this one. Very grateful.
I just have to say I have a few fav u tubers and you are one I just came across and you've helped me so much!! Ty! :)
Thank you Kristin, this helps me to better explore and understand the root causes of my codependent tendencies and the effect this had on my relationship. I hope to build healthy boundaries and self esteem/identity from here
Thank you! I’ll be launching a new online course on my website KristinSnowden.com in the next week or so.
Very good video and it points to the healthy minded person already being content and happy and creative in life without someone else. They already know their self worth and value and thus do not need external factors to validate that. Thank you, good message here.
Rock N very true but we can't rely on anything for self worth and value as they could be gone in a puff too... our self worth can only come from something that is never changing no matter what. Like a rock. Jesus Christ is the answer and through believing in Him becoming a child of God!
maunder01
Amen to that ;)
Women are unnecessary "External Factors" - ?
Great video, Kristen! Thanks so much for posting!
Wow thank you so much for your time and effort to post this. It is SOOOO helpful 😊
Thank you this was very helpful for me. My boyfriends have always called me codependent and I never quite understood until I watched this just now, thank you for including the worksheet.
Subscribed! Such a great video. It’s so important to talk about what’s make a healthy relationship. There’s not enough information on this out there.
Can a unhealthy relationship ever become healthy?
yes, I'm doing it
For unhealthy relationship to have any chance to become healthier there must be fundamental change in both participants. Fundamental change happen in
a human being only and only when a high emotional charge event happen. And that's not enough as change can go either way.
Self work ( learning self love, self respect, personal boundaries,ect) work as well therapy is a must in the process.
I think so I just wouldn't try to convince someone unhealthy to become healthy or you could end up beating a dead horse or you could end up trying to be a fixer and end up wasting your time and feeling drained if they don't change. They have to come to their own conclusion that they need to healthier. She certainly put a lot of tools in here to identify if the person is healthy or not ..and I'd say if they are trying and to do the healthy things she's stating then they are trying to be healthier.
@@detraed8962 , your words are right at the core of the issue.
I often tell my clients " Are you ready to let go of the things that make you sick, about their physical health or the things that make their relationship unhealthy, otherwise it would be a great challenge to assist you with my professional expertise.
Rarely,because Both parties have to become more conscious at the same time and that's unusual.Usually, one partner heals and the other is left behind.
By far THE BEST, most complete explanation I have ever found. Can’t wait to share this with my daughter and implement this model in every area of my life 💕 THANK YOU!
Thank you!! So glad to hear it. If this resonated, make sure to check out everything I have on my website. I have several more tools, lectures and info that can help build healthy relationships. www.kristinsnowden.com/
@@KristinSnowden I’m already there!! 😁 💕🙏🤗
Thank you for explaining the difference between a healthy, interdependent relationship and unhealthy, co-dependant relationship.
I think part of my struggle has been:
1.) I've been a life long patient and I've had to put up with some things I didn't like. Thus, I was co-dependant on my doctors since I have an ongoing congenital heart defect.
2.) I generally like to be nice and I hate having to "make waves". I strive to be a Peacemaker, I don't like to see arguments (so I try to blend in to avoid confrontations), and I try to get along with others.
I've also wondered if I'm enough because according to Dr. Lund (3 love languages: Visual - Doer... endless projects or ways to improve, Verbal- Taking about things, and Being - Likes to enjoy the moment.), My Dad's a Doer, so it's sometimes hard to know if I'm enough or doing enough to please him. He's a good man, my Dad, but I just want to know he's proud of me. So it's sometimes hard to know how to stand up for myself and be confident as a person.
Thanks again for empowering people like me who needs to be reminded that we have permission to stand up and be our own independant person. 😊
I really needed to hear all this!!! I've been in a rut lately and feeling lost, this talk really helped me to reassess my relationships at home and at work. I feel like i got realigned and uplifted from this info.
So many times I see other people who seem to have it together and are just happier and on-track while I'm trying to keep up with yesterday. Those people aren't perfect, they just have a better understanding of all you were talking about with healthy relationships in life.
Thank you so much. You are helping me finally understand what went wrong in my life.
Thank you for making this information free and accessible
This was a great and helpful video, thank you for the great information and reminders.👍👍
Thank you for all of your wonderful information. I recently left an toxic relationship, and I was wondering if you could do a video about prolonged effects of moving forward. Also some coping mechanisms that will help aid me. Thank you again, your so intelligent and beautiful.
That table is very useful, thanks so much!
Really wonderful, grounded explanation. Thank you. 💜
I love what you've shared ! OMG - I had no idea....
just found you............so glad! your mannerisms in presenting you information is so perfect! clear and concise...very easy to process. thank you!!
As you say, this should be taught at primary school... very good video, thank you!
This is such empowering information I wished I would have learned in the beginning. I am so thankful this has crossed paths with me now. Thankyou I am now watching all of your videos.
I’m so happy you’ve found it to be helpful. Tomorrow I’m also launching a big sale of my library of videos on my website. There are a ton of free and low cost resources on my website www.KristinSnowden.com
Well defined and clear. I wonder how much relates to Murray Bowen's teachings on level of self?
There is no mindreding in heathy relatonships.............. WOW.
i am a love addict and i was recently in a codependent relationship that ended about a month ago. im struggling to find ways to change. im 25 and i dont know how to love myself. i dont know what i stand for. i dont have passions. i have severe anxiety. ive taken pills, ive been to therapy, even when i think im getting better and ready for a relationship, i lose myself again. i dont know what to do.
Don't have sex with them that bonds you just enjoy the love relationship you don't have to be used in order to think you're in love
Your body is the only thing you own in life you don't owe it to anybody to give it away
I go to ACA meetings and it’s been an incredible experience. I still and will continue to go! Also, John Bradshaw’s “Homecoming” series, which you can view some of on UA-cam! Life changing!!!!
Hi Sarah, your post was 3 years ago. How are you doing now? How have you grown? It took me 50 years to “come into my own” and live with integrity. My 20’s and 30’s were what I considered a series of false starts. Now I know, everything played out exactly as it was supposed to, even the worst days. I love myself now, and hope to hear you also love yourself today!
This is one of the best explanations I've seen on the subject on UA-cam. Absolutely brilliant analysis! I need that relationship questionnaire.
Thank you!
This is great information. I've watched it a couple of times. Thank you.
This video is very balanced and informative. Thank you for putting this together. These issues and topics are so important and we do need to be discussing boundaries at a very early age. Emotions are essential to help guide us through life and we need to understand them much better. I am grateful for your knowledge and your compassion. All the best to you. :)
This is helping me heal from my toxic relationship. We've both been toxic and bettering since we were 17. We're 27 now and I broke up with ther after she crossed a boundary of mine for the first time of stealing. Its been so long and I wonder if individual and couples therapy is the answer. Your video was concise about some of my doubts about us. Keep the medicine coming and thank you.
Thank you for this information. It was what I needed to hear at the perfect time.
Do you believe it is possible to stay in a relationship if you realized it is becoming codependent and if you begin to set boundaries/make changes & discuss with your SO about it... do you think there is hope & you CAN change & learn to love the right way?
*Or is it too late?* Thanks.
While I can’t comment on your relationship because I don’t know anything about you or your partner or your relationship dynamics, I can say that I’ve witnessed amazing changes take place in relationships where there is willingness, courage, and honesty.
This is unbelievably eye opening.
this tied together a lot of things for me. thank you so much for the work you put into these videos. I'll definitely be watching this one again and looking out for more videos to come.
To touch on the no mind reading part. In a toxic relationship, when you ask for what you need and how you need it, your toxic partner can say you’re controlling them. Just watch for that, and if it’s not corrected, get out sooner than later, they don’t want to or can’t meet your needs. Teal swan talks about emotional neglect in a great video on youtube.
OMG Kristin! What a blessing you are! This is soooooo needed! Ive learned these through the years and still pushing through but you communicated it so amazingly, right on! Im passing this on to groups of ladies i know. Keep it up!
WHAT DO I DO IF ALL OF MY ANSWERS AT THE END WERE YES? How can I move forward if I feel stucked in a pattern off codependency and I can't seem to change my mind ?
I have a lot of further resources and info on my UA-cam channel and my website including a long list of recommended reading.
Attend Al-Anon meetings, work the steps with a sponsor, read the books she mentions, and get some therapy
May I suggest that you begin by sitting with and getting comfortable with the idea that whatever may have caused you embarrassment, guilt or shame within your family of origin was/is not your burden to carry
Be loving, have boundaries, do your own thing, be vulnerable Have conflict, but only with rules. Don't get lost in a relationship, share interests. I am so sick of analyzing every second of my life. I don't have a relationship at all because of the endless contradictions. I just got exhausted. I have adult children and just want to have a good relationship with them.
This is so freakin good. I'm subscribing to your channel and passing this on to others. I just wish I could achieve this for myself. I'm 67, have done so much wrong, feel so lonely, and i feel hopeless, I have very few relationships and I feel very needy. I'm going to begin praying for myself to heal from this. My heart feels broken everyday. I hope my neurology can be fixed at this late stage in my life. I feel so much pain and sadness on most days. This is hard because it has to happen from the inside out. I feel like I can't even achieve this on my own. Pretty bad, right? I feel like I need a personal daily trainer to re-indoctrinate my mind and emotional system. My suggestion: if you are young, get this straight now. Start off on the right track, so you have a better, healthy, fulfilling life. May God give you victory,,,,and somehow, me too. 💛
You can do it Merry♥️
Great job keep up the good work! I’m a counseling student and I’m learning a lot.
there is no way to have a healthy relationship with an addict, or an alcoholic of a person who is not there. If you can see these people for who they really are, stand back.
Of course there is. Someone with the proper knowledge and skillset can handle being with an addict.
Wow. Aren't you a fool?
goaliedude32 LMAO keep wasting your time. If you've ever attended ALANON, you would know alcoholics don't have relationships, they have hostages!
@Tom Caine that's co-dependence my friend
Thank you...very nice and clear explanation.
I love this. Thank you so much, very helpful.
Thankyou so much. I'm 22 and just discovered my issue after I have hit rock bottom. If you didn't create this material, I would have probably turned to who knows what. Thankyou!
this is incredible. I can't tell you how well spoken this is!
I have found my True Self.. I would say how I relate to this video is that I stay in abusive relationships for too long.. I would say that it is my pride that tells me that I can handle it or that it is not abuse.. I got into Alanon in 2012 and a lot of what I was learning there was how to cope with the abuse.. When I got into ACA in 2015 I started learning more about what was actual abuse.. When I went out to SoCal in 2019 I started learning about complex PTSD.. That was really when my breakthrough started happening.. I would say that root of my abuse is neglect.. That is where the codependency starts for me.. I would say that would be my trigger.. Now learning what to do with that trigger is the challenge and I am open to suggestions.. I do understand the 2 halves don't make a whole concept..
Thank you so much for creating such enlightening content and for providing it openly and freely. Your generosity, kindness and selfless service to the world is deeply appreciated. Thank you 💖💖💖💖💖
So glad it’s helpful to you
Thx a lot. Packaged healthy stuff 😘 one stop.
I cant thank u enough. Just what I was looking for.
Very good and helpful! Thank you!
Greetings from Germany
Wow. By min 8, this created a great, basic understanding.
Thank God for u and your video! I think this is meant to be bc im leaving my husband and its been hard long struggle. I kept taking him back. And i was getting lost and more lost. I am starting to love and respect my self and having others do so as well. This video affirmed all my feelings of why im leaving thia co-dependent /toxic relationship. Thanks again:)
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you can find a healthy community to support you during your struggles. We can’t do it alone.
Thank you so much!! Your videos are amazing!!
Thanks, really clear. It helped me see how far I have come over the years.
Thank you so much for all of this, and for the worksheet!