Man this is me all the way. Its so exhausting to live this way. Luckily I've joined PDS and will be working on healing these unhealthy patterns (along w/ finding a new therapist, somatic work, journaling and good self care) 🙏🏽💓
The best way to be with them is simple … don’t get attached. My girlfriend she is like this .. when she is around me she is all up on me. Then when she is out .. a complete silence. What I do when she is into that mood , I just focused on other things and forget about her …and it works like a charm .
@@chaiti27 Yes and No Yes : it will be a hard pill to swallow while you are going to be in long rollercoaster for the rest of your life. Or she o he will need to understand how to invest and make this work. No: This will take considerable effort on your part to sustain a relationship like this .
Agree with all of this. If I do fall off the map, I ultimately feel that the other person is better off without my dysregulation in their life, and the chronic guilt from being MIA (which only increases over time) gives me another reason not to respond/reach out. I've lost touch with so many friends this way...
I also now feel if they can’t be my friend disregulated the core of that friendships investment needs to be farther away from how much of my energy I have for their needs.
I don't hold back from communication when or because I'm absorbed with something. I do it when I'm unsure of the other person's feelings and fear I've made a fool of myself by communicating too much...eg if their reply has been very short or curt, or if they didn't answer straight away or I didn't feel connected the last time I saw them. Especially with a DA because they de activate easily and then I think I've done something wrong and I'd better back off for a bit to give them space. But when that happens I start to feel very unsure about whether they want a relationship with me or not. A relationship only feels real and alive if there is enough quality time together and real meaningful communication and sharing.
Ugh yes! Sad that so many nice guys I dated just ran off in fear. I used to be this way as well, I've healed it 💯!! In a happy, loving, healthy relationship. You can heal your attachment wound peeps!!! Have hope and put in the hard word!
Hi, any tips on how someone could have helped you when you had these habits? Would you have appreciated a weekly regular text even if you saw messages but didn’t respond
I would say the best thing most people could have done for me in that state would be to walk away for their own sanity lol. But the ones who persisted, who kept trying with me, and I realised we were compatible in some way, I realised oh wow this person actually cares about me and then I would open up to them and give them my time/energy. A lot of us avoidants need time and patience, and to feel that people care about us. A bunch of those people are still in my life years later because they persued me... this works even with friendships btw. If you want to offer someone a regular text then go ahead, so long as you don't get upset/mad with them if the outcome isn't what you want. Even with avoidants I pursued - I'd persue them, and get very angry at them, when they didn't actually owe me anything. I wasn't being fair to them and their state, I was too expectant and demanding their attention. It's not right or fair to those people. Many avoidants have wounds and just need peace and space, and that should be respected. @@henryzhao4622
PDS has been such an amazing resource in healing my disorganized attachment, but I find myself twisted up on this topic. I work extremely hard to state my needs and boundaries clearly and be up front about what I can give and what I need to receive. Not only that, but I agonize over every word to make sure it's diplomatic, comes across the right way, isn't trying to control other people, etc. So when I stop responding to people it's usually one of two things: Either the person STILL isn't hearing me, or I don't feel respected. If I make several attempts to do MY part to communicate and the other person still refuses to show up, I will just stop everything and be gone. At some point, it feels like I'm betraying myself to keep trying with people that aren't trying back. I've had so many one-sided relationships that I really resent any time I find myself putting effort into people that can't even do me the courtesy of listening to what I'm saying to them.
A second point is about what you said re: FAs and not text messaging reliably. This one annoys me because of all the assumptions people make when you don't text someone- or keep texting them after they insist on having a whole conversation. I state a clear boundary with people that I do not, do not, do NOT have entire conversations by text, full stop, and if someone wants to talk to me about anything important they need to pick up the phone. It gives me anxiety and makes me feel distrustful especially when people try to express a problem or resolve conflicts by text because I know they're going to misinterpret everything I put in writing. So I just refuse to do it. I make clear requests to only discuss important things with me by phone or in person, so I resent when people make me responsible for all the meaning they add to not getting my attention in the way they want. If somebody starts a conversation by text and I reply to them nicely, saying I don't want to discuss this over text but please call me - AND THE KEEP ON TEXTING- then I just stop responding at all. Again, I'm not being heard and I'm done.
@@howtosober honestly good on you, i love that. i would love to hear the voice of the person im interested in. not very many people like that nowadays.. who actually want to talk on the phone.
Mines ghosted some weeks before my birthday, I stopped trying to understand these people, I need to understand why i let these people in...good luck to those who are dealing with this
I always tested as anxious or secure/anxious when texting for attachment style, and yet I can 100% relate to having the Nervous system regulation issues, text messaging behaviour, low/no boundaries and the hyper-vigilance that you describe. The texting and hyper vigilance are two of my most identifiable traits. I don't know why I've never tested very highly as a fearful avoidant.
@@Hastinet it could be that he 'masks'/comfort zone/ primary cope with dismissive behavior and the big scary shame monster crazy behavior happening in primary attachment relationships is preoccupied anxious. this is fearful avoidant behavior. i recently discovered this is me. i called it so many goofy things, not connecting. i am actually avoidant and aloof with everyone as my comfort zone. primary attachment intimacy unleashes the big scary shame thing(and the thing modeled to me in childhood), preoccupied anxious. i have extreme shame and rejection around anxious behavior. it has not landed successfully repeatedly through my life. which was bizarre as to why it came out only in this one instance. this is why. another youtube channel video got into this dynamic and its sooo interesting, it was mind blowing
@@dukethecolors perhaps it's only the romantic relationships that you really feel you need, and that other friendships are less important or less of a priority to you?
Another great video, the oit of soght out of mind thing is real. But important to know, as the partner its not that you are not important to them just they are way present with whatever they doing. And from the fa side, they need to learn how to communicate directly about their spottiness and needs. Hence healthier relationship can form. Learn together grow together ❤ Thank yu thais love you ❤
My old FA had Sympathetic Nervous System regulation issues. For him, it was ear infections and it was stress related. He liked it when I would tell him to "take it easy" at the end of our conversations. I just didn't know that his SNS response was triggered so often.
Can you do a video about defensiveness and shame in fearful avoidants? Ive noticed that even when you bring things up in a gentle and non inflammatory way, they tend to get very defensive and upset when you express needs that arent being met. They often seem to be very resistant to any requests to work on the relationship in any way and i suppose it stems from a place of shame. I wish i knew what to do in dealing with people like that. I know leaving is probably the best thing to do, but a part of me always qonders if i could have said or did something differently to produce a different result.
As an FA I very much grew up feeling love was conditional, that I had to constantly do things right, to meet approval. To lose approval was to feel you had lost love, that you were no longer loved. So to feel you've done something wrong is terrifying, especially if you are desperately trying to do everything right. You feel you've blown the relationship and can't possibly be wanted any more.
As a FA myself if I become defensive it’s because I in my mind feel like you’re asking too much of me, and if you ask me to change something in me to make you feel better in the relationship and I become resistant to it that means I’ve checked out the relationship and I no longer wish to continue making the relationship better
It's because as an FA they are terrified of not getting things right because they have experienced love as conditional. If you get something wrong you ferl you can't be loved any more so you desperately try to prove that what you did wasn't wrong. Been there!
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 I tried and yet they continued to push me away. I'm trying to love myself enough to walk away when I'm being hurt. You can't show unconditional love to people who actively hurt you and refuse to work on the relationship. Who won't show unconditional love to you in return. It's unfair to yourself and your own mental health to do so
I am currently being abused by a fearful avoidant as I tried to show them their behaviour and suggested they look into the subject. Has ruined the last 8 months or so of my life. I was losing myself and had to let them go. I am a AP with a lot of work to do on myself, I just dont have the strength for both of us.
"It's not like they don't care about you "...... They do however lack basic consideration for you when they ghost you. Cut your losses if you're on the receiving end of this behavior & they're unaware or unable to change. 😢
Ive been in the exact same position for the past five months. It all didnt mean shit to her...Total waste of time. You never had a chance of opening their eyes. We see when we are ready to see
Are you in a position to report the abuse from your partner to the cops? Abusers should remain on the law enforcement's radar. Can you elaborate what they've been doing to you? Are you allowed to seek shelter and be with trusted people or would that put your life in danger?
I haven't been through this, but that the FA stops initiating (new topic, conversation, asking to meet). I had to carry the whole relationship in those cases.
I are one! I've learned very well and painfully... I know when I'm not wanted. 😢 They use me up then throw me away when they're done. Or I guess I let them use me. Boundaries right? But nobody wants anything to do with me unless they need something fixed, then I'm they're best friend, otherwise no contract. I can fix anything but a broken heart...especially my own.💔
Are you presenting yourself as someone to fall back on rather to hang out with? FA's can be very motivated to answer a cry for help as it gives a temporary warmth. Yet if thats all you have people only come to you when something is needed. Shame but thats how people are
@@onnol917 I'm embarrassed to say I don't know what that means, fall back on or hang out with. I'm very personable, open, friendly and kind, will talk to strangers like In a store and such. Will do just about anything for someone in need. Even though I get taken advantage of. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I believe in everyone until they give me a reason not to. And then I'm done and done with them. I've been called an independent sob from guys, and such a nice guy from girls. I can only be who I am, but that's definitely not working. Through these videos I'm trying to learn a different more expanded understanding of myself and what I can change. Also dealing with c-ptsd, bpd but that's a crazy long story.
Very accurate 👌 thank you. What's the best thing to do when the fearful avoidant gets cold and withdrawals? I feel he needs to be alone but he also needs to know i'm "present" (but not here)... This is very complex to know how to manage both aspects at the same time...
@@SkarXOX thank you so so much Skar, the way you explain this is very precious ! I understand these are the exact words to say... but then just a last precise question regarding your "I'll be there when...". He just wanted to be alone 4 days, but on the 2nd day he already proposed me to show up quickly before work if I wanted. I said he was kind but no I needed to go to work early (mainly I just wanted to show him I respect his time alone but I didn't say that)... How to know if he really wanted me to show up ? or if he did not really but just proposed because he felt guilty about rejecting my presence? is it possible that he took it badly that I declined his invitation ? should I have shown up ? Txx
I never know in these situations. I have a close FA friend and I don’t know whether to send checkin texts or let them reach out. I stopped sending “hey I hope you are doing well. I care about you…” texts every couple of weeks because I never got a response. So idk if doing that is helping or pushing them farther away. Idk if I triggered them before they ghosted or if it was something else.
I have the strangest question. Which attachment style ends up living the longest? Is there any correlation? Are FAs more likely to die early? I'm curious because I am finding out that other people don't live in a near constant state of adrenaline rush and I wonder if all that "stress" is either going to kill us first or make us outlive others.
It is so interesting that you ask that question. I often wondered the same thing. Particularly as to why I have a certain heart issue since my teenage years. Sometimes I feel my behavior as a FA will cause ( if it hasn’t already) caused undue damage to my health namely my physical heart.
Hi thais! I love all your videos. I’m wondering if you could give more insight into FAs and close friendships. My close FA friend has ghosted me for 4 months now. Everything I know about how to handle that situation is go “no contact” or viewed from a romantic standpoint. Do I treat ghosting like a breakup? Let them reach out? Or do I reach out? Do they even realize I’m not reaching out anymore? More videos on attachment styles in friendships would be great!
If I can offer my view point. I have loads of experience with cutting friends out. Everything seems to be fine and then, it's not. Thais explains in other videos that for an FA to disappear, things have not been going well for a while and a small insignificant event will push things over the edge causing FAs to shut off. So if you keep reaching out, all it is saying is, you are still around for them but that doesn't mean things are going to be better/ different. For things to be different, they need to express what they need from you. And they do not believe in doing that. So let them be. Yes, they notice you've stopped reaching out, but it's ok.
as an FA that gets dismissive to avoid getting hurt myself i can say they probably feel something is off in the relationship dynamic and they are trying to maybe let go of it. i have a friend who it seems shes only emotionally connective with me when we are like... gossiping or complaining and being kind negative. this is major ick for me. on top of that ive gotten emotionally vulnerable with her, and she doesnt go there with me equally, or she cant and she isnt tapped into emotional vulnerability. she has briefly disclosed things like SA to me but not getting into it at all emotionally or anything wise, so thats another thumbs down on the relationship. and then also i just dont think she is very enthusiastic about us being friends. and its only an internet friendship, never met and only sent letters a few times. so i evaluate as not a good relationship tbh. do you feel fed by that friendship, and value it? OR are you holding onto it even though its not high priority? FA's have that weird "lie detector" thing with hyper vigilance so they have alarm going off. often times dont know what the alarm means, but we know that if its going off it must be bad. so. if you do not both share equally about emotional stuff, maybe FA feels like the relationship isnt valuable or afraid its not valuable to YOU so they are self soothing by going avoidant. pushing it away so her own triggering isnt yelling in her face danger danger. if she feels maybe shes just being held onto and not really a priority, she may be going avoidant to deal with the pain/let it go.
this FA feels afraid if conversation starting and reaching out like through texting. so much more comfortable if the other person just sets the pace because, if they arent reaching out i can just go into my comfort zone of being avoidant or if they are reaching out then i can respond in kind and just go with the boundaries others are setting. protecting FA from getting triggered, to hyper vigilance shame wounds etc.
2&3 burnt out all the way. I'm trying to get out the sympathetic mode now. It's not easy. I get burnt out soo quickly and then end up depleted and defeated. It's definitely hard for me to make decision in this mode. Can you please do that video please on this? pleeeease🙏🏾
Can being hyper vigilant cause problems with childhood and adult memory? Video on that would be great. Asked this question in multiple PDS webinars and chat board but didn’t get voted up for an answer.
I love your videos but you tend to make it seem like there’s some kind of psychological reason behind everything DAs and FAs do. Sometimes we just don’t want to text or we are simply are busy.Or when we break up with someone it’s because we know we don’t see a long term relationship with them (not from an anxious place or place of fear). I don’t want people to start to try to use your videos to read too much inbetween the lines and not take their partner’s actions for face value. I just read a comment from someone using your videos trying to make it work in an abusive relationship, because they are reading inbetween the lines of the abusive behaviour, instead of seeing the abuse for what it is. And I think a lot of people misdiagnose their partners attachment styles without taking into consideration that they could just suffer with a personality disorder or not be a very nice person
My FA Ex is like this with almost all her friends even her best friend, IE her best friend lived 5 hours away they would talk and message very rarely and my EX doesn’t t talk about anything with depth with her unless they are together but then it’s all in. I seem to be the exception to this she moved for work late 2021 (and a few more moves after that one) and she broke up with me but it seems like I am the exception to this rule given our nearly daily contact(usually several times in the day) and visits every 3 months, even a couple of weeks ago she asked if I’d be able to come visit her for the weekend because she will be moving for summer further away and things we going to be busy for her in the next few weeks, she was as close to begging me to visit her as I have ever seen her be.
Flight, fight, freeze, fawn... ... and these days they should add "film" to that... Its amazing how people will suddenly stop and stand in danger to film with their phone now.
I don't even know where to begin with thanking you for all the insight, wisdom and countless ways you have been helping to reshape me into a better person and actually begin to start mending many broken relationships in my life. I struggled so much for so long, then you came along... 🥺😭🥲 God bless you always!!! 💝🙏
Man this is me all the way. Its so exhausting to live this way. Luckily I've joined PDS and will be working on healing these unhealthy patterns (along w/ finding a new therapist, somatic work, journaling and good self care) 🙏🏽💓
Glad your with us! Best of luck on your journey ❤
Will FA's feel rejected for something Silly such as refusing to get naked on video call in long distance relationship?
@@Josh-db1ls What!
Have your own boundaries!!
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 I said no & he dumped me!!
@@Josh-db1lsThen he’s scum and you dodged a bullet. For all we know, he could’ve been grooming you for sex trafficking.
The best way to be with them is simple … don’t get attached. My girlfriend she is like this .. when she is around me she is all up on me. Then when she is out .. a complete silence. What I do when she is into that mood , I just focused on other things and forget about her …and it works like a charm .
Good strategy; just focus on yourself.
Can you marry her this way ?
@@chaiti27 lol
@@chaiti27 Yes and No
Yes : it will be a hard pill to swallow while you are going to be in long rollercoaster for the rest of your life. Or she o he will need to understand how to invest and make this work.
No: This will take considerable effort on your part to sustain a relationship like this .
Hi, but in the long run your girlfriend did always stay with you even if she disappears for weeks at a time or so?
Agree with all of this. If I do fall off the map, I ultimately feel that the other person is better off without my dysregulation in their life, and the chronic guilt from being MIA (which only increases over time) gives me another reason not to respond/reach out. I've lost touch with so many friends this way...
This!
I also now feel if they can’t be my friend disregulated the core of that friendships investment needs to be farther away from how much of my energy I have for their needs.
yup
Hi! What would be the best way for one of those old friends to reconnect with you? I imagine you’d feel guilty at first and not respond?
You need to get some help
I don't hold back from communication when or because I'm absorbed with something. I do it when I'm unsure of the other person's feelings and fear I've made a fool of myself by communicating too much...eg if their reply has been very short or curt, or if they didn't answer straight away or I didn't feel connected the last time I saw them. Especially with a DA because they de activate easily and then I think I've done something wrong and I'd better back off for a bit to give them space. But when that happens I start to feel very unsure about whether they want a relationship with me or not.
A relationship only feels real and alive if there is enough quality time together and real meaningful communication and sharing.
You described exactly why I hold back !
Wow. That "something to contribute" really resonates. In social situations, the moment I feel at a loss, I tend to silently exit.
When in doubt, exit.
Ugh yes! Sad that so many nice guys I dated just ran off in fear. I used to be this way as well, I've healed it 💯!! In a happy, loving, healthy relationship. You can heal your attachment wound peeps!!! Have hope and put in the hard word!
Hi, any tips on how someone could have helped you when you had these habits? Would you have appreciated a weekly regular text even if you saw messages but didn’t respond
I would say the best thing most people could have done for me in that state would be to walk away for their own sanity lol. But the ones who persisted, who kept trying with me, and I realised we were compatible in some way, I realised oh wow this person actually cares about me and then I would open up to them and give them my time/energy. A lot of us avoidants need time and patience, and to feel that people care about us. A bunch of those people are still in my life years later because they persued me... this works even with friendships btw. If you want to offer someone a regular text then go ahead, so long as you don't get upset/mad with them if the outcome isn't what you want. Even with avoidants I pursued - I'd persue them, and get very angry at them, when they didn't actually owe me anything. I wasn't being fair to them and their state, I was too expectant and demanding their attention. It's not right or fair to those people. Many avoidants have wounds and just need peace and space, and that should be respected. @@henryzhao4622
You just read me like a book and this saddens me greatly.
PDS has been such an amazing resource in healing my disorganized attachment, but I find myself twisted up on this topic. I work extremely hard to state my needs and boundaries clearly and be up front about what I can give and what I need to receive. Not only that, but I agonize over every word to make sure it's diplomatic, comes across the right way, isn't trying to control other people, etc. So when I stop responding to people it's usually one of two things: Either the person STILL isn't hearing me, or I don't feel respected. If I make several attempts to do MY part to communicate and the other person still refuses to show up, I will just stop everything and be gone. At some point, it feels like I'm betraying myself to keep trying with people that aren't trying back. I've had so many one-sided relationships that I really resent any time I find myself putting effort into people that can't even do me the courtesy of listening to what I'm saying to them.
A second point is about what you said re: FAs and not text messaging reliably. This one annoys me because of all the assumptions people make when you don't text someone- or keep texting them after they insist on having a whole conversation. I state a clear boundary with people that I do not, do not, do NOT have entire conversations by text, full stop, and if someone wants to talk to me about anything important they need to pick up the phone. It gives me anxiety and makes me feel distrustful especially when people try to express a problem or resolve conflicts by text because I know they're going to misinterpret everything I put in writing. So I just refuse to do it. I make clear requests to only discuss important things with me by phone or in person, so I resent when people make me responsible for all the meaning they add to not getting my attention in the way they want. If somebody starts a conversation by text and I reply to them nicely, saying I don't want to discuss this over text but please call me - AND THE KEEP ON TEXTING- then I just stop responding at all. Again, I'm not being heard and I'm done.
@@howtosober honestly good on you, i love that. i would love to hear the voice of the person im interested in. not very many people like that nowadays.. who actually want to talk on the phone.
I loved the point about hyper vigilance!! It was an great point!
Mines ghosted some weeks before my birthday, I stopped trying to understand these people, I need to understand why i let these people in...good luck to those who are dealing with this
I always tested as anxious or secure/anxious when texting for attachment style, and yet I can 100% relate to having the Nervous system regulation issues, text messaging behaviour, low/no boundaries and the hyper-vigilance that you describe. The texting and hyper vigilance are two of my most identifiable traits. I don't know why I've never tested very highly as a fearful avoidant.
You could be anxious preoccupied leaning fearful avoidant. It’s a sliding scale in a sense and every person is different. :)
@@Hastinet it could be that he 'masks'/comfort zone/ primary cope with dismissive behavior and the big scary shame monster crazy behavior happening in primary attachment relationships is preoccupied anxious. this is fearful avoidant behavior. i recently discovered this is me. i called it so many goofy things, not connecting. i am actually avoidant and aloof with everyone as my comfort zone. primary attachment intimacy unleashes the big scary shame thing(and the thing modeled to me in childhood), preoccupied anxious. i have extreme shame and rejection around anxious behavior. it has not landed successfully repeatedly through my life. which was bizarre as to why it came out only in this one instance. this is why. another youtube channel video got into this dynamic and its sooo interesting, it was mind blowing
I feel DA/FA in all relationships *except* my romantic ones, in which I feel anxious 🤷🏻♀️
@@dukethecolors perhaps it's only the romantic relationships that you really feel you need, and that other friendships are less important or less of a priority to you?
Another great video, the oit of soght out of mind thing is real. But important to know, as the partner its not that you are not important to them just they are way present with whatever they doing. And from the fa side, they need to learn how to communicate directly about their spottiness and needs. Hence healthier relationship can form. Learn together grow together ❤
Thank yu thais love you ❤
❤
My old FA had Sympathetic Nervous System regulation issues. For him, it was ear infections and it was stress related. He liked it when I would tell him to "take it easy" at the end of our conversations. I just didn't know that his SNS response was triggered so often.
Can you do a video about defensiveness and shame in fearful avoidants? Ive noticed that even when you bring things up in a gentle and non inflammatory way, they tend to get very defensive and upset when you express needs that arent being met. They often seem to be very resistant to any requests to work on the relationship in any way and i suppose it stems from a place of shame. I wish i knew what to do in dealing with people like that. I know leaving is probably the best thing to do, but a part of me always qonders if i could have said or did something differently to produce a different result.
As an FA I very much grew up feeling love was conditional, that I had to constantly do things right, to meet approval. To lose approval was to feel you had lost love, that you were no longer loved. So to feel you've done something wrong is terrifying, especially if you are desperately trying to do everything right. You feel you've blown the relationship and can't possibly be wanted any more.
As a FA myself if I become defensive it’s because I in my mind feel like you’re asking too much of me, and if you ask me to change something in me to make you feel better in the relationship and I become resistant to it that means I’ve checked out the relationship and I no longer wish to continue making the relationship better
It's because as an FA they are terrified of not getting things right because they have experienced love as conditional. If you get something wrong you ferl you can't be loved any more so you desperately try to prove that what you did wasn't wrong.
Been there!
Don't leave. Keep showing accrptance, affirmation, respect and unconditional love.
They'll stop feeling the need to defend themselves then.
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 I tried and yet they continued to push me away. I'm trying to love myself enough to walk away when I'm being hurt. You can't show unconditional love to people who actively hurt you and refuse to work on the relationship. Who won't show unconditional love to you in return. It's unfair to yourself and your own mental health to do so
I am currently being abused by a fearful avoidant as I tried to show them their behaviour and suggested they look into the subject. Has ruined the last 8 months or so of my life. I was losing myself and had to let them go.
I am a AP with a lot of work to do on myself, I just dont have the strength for both of us.
Show strength and take steps away. Look into what Borderline personality disorder is. Tons of overlap
Covert narcissist overlap too :(
"It's not like they don't care about you "...... They do however lack basic consideration for you when they ghost you. Cut your losses if you're on the receiving end of this behavior & they're unaware or unable to change. 😢
Ive been in the exact same position for the past five months. It all didnt mean shit to her...Total waste of time. You never had a chance of opening their eyes. We see when we are ready to see
Are you in a position to report the abuse from your partner to the cops? Abusers should remain on the law enforcement's radar. Can you elaborate what they've been doing to you? Are you allowed to seek shelter and be with trusted people or would that put your life in danger?
I was in a relationship/situationship with FA for four years. Very confusing. Never again. It's just too exhausting.
I haven't been through this, but that the FA stops initiating (new topic, conversation, asking to meet). I had to carry the whole relationship in those cases.
I are one! I've learned very well and painfully... I know when I'm not wanted. 😢 They use me up then throw me away when they're done.
Or I guess I let them use me. Boundaries right? But nobody wants anything to do with me unless they need something fixed, then I'm they're best friend, otherwise no contract.
I can fix anything but a broken heart...especially my own.💔
Whats your attachment style if you don't mind me asking?
@@shinebabyshine. FA, that's what I ment by, I are one.✌️🙃
@@shinebabyshine. Well that's what the test I took said I was. 🐶
Are you presenting yourself as someone to fall back on rather to hang out with?
FA's can be very motivated to answer a cry for help as it gives a temporary warmth. Yet if thats all you have people only come to you when something is needed. Shame but thats how people are
@@onnol917 I'm embarrassed to say I don't know what that means, fall back on or hang out with. I'm very personable, open, friendly and kind, will talk to strangers like In a store and such. Will do just about anything for someone in need. Even though I get taken advantage of. I wear my heart on my sleeve. What you see is what you get. I believe in everyone until they give me a reason not to. And then I'm done and done with them. I've been called an independent sob from guys, and such a nice guy from girls. I can only be who I am, but that's definitely not working. Through these videos I'm trying to learn a different more expanded understanding of myself and what I can change. Also dealing with c-ptsd, bpd but that's a crazy long story.
Very accurate 👌 thank you. What's the best thing to do when the fearful avoidant gets cold and withdrawals? I feel he needs to be alone but he also needs to know i'm "present" (but not here)... This is very complex to know how to manage both aspects at the same time...
@@SkarXOX thank you so so much Skar, the way you explain this is very precious ! I understand these are the exact words to say... but then just a last precise question regarding your "I'll be there when...". He just wanted to be alone 4 days, but on the 2nd day he already proposed me to show up quickly before work if I wanted. I said he was kind but no I needed to go to work early (mainly I just wanted to show him I respect his time alone but I didn't say that)... How to know if he really wanted me to show up ? or if he did not really but just proposed because he felt guilty about rejecting my presence? is it possible that he took it badly that I declined his invitation ? should I have shown up ? Txx
I never know in these situations. I have a close FA friend and I don’t know whether to send checkin texts or let them reach out. I stopped sending “hey I hope you are doing well. I care about you…” texts every couple of weeks because I never got a response. So idk if doing that is helping or pushing them farther away. Idk if I triggered them before they ghosted or if it was something else.
I have the strangest question. Which attachment style ends up living the longest? Is there any correlation? Are FAs more likely to die early? I'm curious because I am finding out that other people don't live in a near constant state of adrenaline rush and I wonder if all that "stress" is either going to kill us first or make us outlive others.
It is so interesting that you ask that question. I often wondered the same thing. Particularly as to why I have a certain heart issue since my teenage years. Sometimes I feel my behavior as a FA will cause ( if it hasn’t already) caused undue damage to my health namely my physical heart.
@@yamjuice I can relate. Heart and brain are taking a massive hit.
people with early adversity have shorter telomeres
Secure likely the longest- stress kills. All others are high stress.
Hi thais! I love all your videos.
I’m wondering if you could give more insight into FAs and close friendships. My close FA friend has ghosted me for 4 months now. Everything I know about how to handle that situation is go “no contact” or viewed from a romantic standpoint. Do I treat ghosting like a breakup? Let them reach out? Or do I reach out? Do they even realize I’m not reaching out anymore?
More videos on attachment styles in friendships would be great!
If I can offer my view point. I have loads of experience with cutting friends out. Everything seems to be fine and then, it's not. Thais explains in other videos that for an FA to disappear, things have not been going well for a while and a small insignificant event will push things over the edge causing FAs to shut off. So if you keep reaching out, all it is saying is, you are still around for them but that doesn't mean things are going to be better/ different. For things to be different, they need to express what they need from you. And they do not believe in doing that. So let them be. Yes, they notice you've stopped reaching out, but it's ok.
as an FA that gets dismissive to avoid getting hurt myself i can say they probably feel something is off in the relationship dynamic and they are trying to maybe let go of it. i have a friend who it seems shes only emotionally connective with me when we are like... gossiping or complaining and being kind negative. this is major ick for me. on top of that ive gotten emotionally vulnerable with her, and she doesnt go there with me equally, or she cant and she isnt tapped into emotional vulnerability. she has briefly disclosed things like SA to me but not getting into it at all emotionally or anything wise, so thats another thumbs down on the relationship. and then also i just dont think she is very enthusiastic about us being friends. and its only an internet friendship, never met and only sent letters a few times. so i evaluate as not a good relationship tbh.
do you feel fed by that friendship, and value it? OR are you holding onto it even though its not high priority? FA's have that weird "lie detector" thing with hyper vigilance so they have alarm going off. often times dont know what the alarm means, but we know that if its going off it must be bad. so.
if you do not both share equally about emotional stuff, maybe FA feels like the relationship isnt valuable or afraid its not valuable to YOU so they are self soothing by going avoidant. pushing it away so her own triggering isnt yelling in her face danger danger. if she feels maybe shes just being held onto and not really a priority, she may be going avoidant to deal with the pain/let it go.
This was one of the most helpful videos I’ve ever seen! ❤
And also, if trust has been irredeemably broken
Appreciated Thais.Very Iformative .🙏🏼💜
Glad you like this one :)
Another great video that was really helpful. Thank you. 🙏
this FA feels afraid if conversation starting and reaching out like through texting. so much more comfortable if the other person just sets the pace because, if they arent reaching out i can just go into my comfort zone of being avoidant or if they are reaching out then i can respond in kind and just go with the boundaries others are setting. protecting FA from getting triggered, to hyper vigilance shame wounds etc.
2&3 burnt out all the way. I'm trying to get out the sympathetic mode now. It's not easy. I get burnt out soo quickly and then end up depleted and defeated. It's definitely hard for me to make decision in this mode. Can you please do that video please on this? pleeeease🙏🏾
So true they will be depleted if their efforts are not being reciprocated..
That is me to a t. Tired of feeling burnt out.
Can being hyper vigilant cause problems with childhood and adult memory? Video on that would be great. Asked this question in multiple PDS webinars and chat board but didn’t get voted up for an answer.
What this dynamic look like with two FAs though?
I love your videos but you tend to make it seem like there’s some kind of psychological reason behind everything DAs and FAs do. Sometimes we just don’t want to text or we are simply are busy.Or when we break up with someone it’s because we know we don’t see a long term relationship with them (not from an anxious place or place of fear). I don’t want people to start to try to use your videos to read too much inbetween the lines and not take their partner’s actions for face value. I just read a comment from someone using your videos trying to make it work in an abusive relationship, because they are reading inbetween the lines of the abusive behaviour, instead of seeing the abuse for what it is.
And I think a lot of people misdiagnose their partners attachment styles without taking into consideration that they could just suffer with a personality disorder or not be a very nice person
My FA Ex is like this with almost all her friends even her best friend, IE her best friend lived 5 hours away they would talk and message very rarely and my EX doesn’t t talk about anything with depth with her unless they are together but then it’s all in. I seem to be the exception to this she moved for work late 2021 (and a few more moves after that one) and she broke up with me but it seems like I am the exception to this rule given our nearly daily contact(usually several times in the day) and visits every 3 months, even a couple of weeks ago she asked if I’d be able to come visit her for the weekend because she will be moving for summer further away and things we going to be busy for her in the next few weeks, she was as close to begging me to visit her as I have ever seen her be.
Sound like triggers or lack of object constancy. So they drop off the face of the earth. And don't respond. Those who do the work- thanks.
I’m just overwhelmed. That’s all.
Wow, you exactly described me. 😮
I think I have that out of sight out of mind dynamic.
Flight, fight, freeze, fawn...
... and these days they should add "film" to that... Its amazing how people will suddenly stop and stand in danger to film with their phone now.
DAMN
I don't even know where to begin with thanking you for all the insight, wisdom and countless ways you have been helping to reshape me into a better person and actually begin to start mending many broken relationships in my life. I struggled so much for so long, then you came along... 🥺😭🥲 God bless you always!!! 💝🙏