The Golden Rule of Parenting | Mel Robbins
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- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
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Parenting styles vary and I don’t claim to own the book on perfect parenting, but I often get asked how I parent three very individual kids. I met up with millennial entrepreneur and investor Gerard Adams in my home and he asked me about my principles on parenting.
I feel strongly that my kids are not meant to be carbon copies of me and Chris. They have their own thoughts, feelings, and goals. Our job isn’t to tell them what decisions to make-our job is to teach them HOW to make decisions.
One thing I know is this: no matter how great a job you think you’re doing with your kids, something will happen in their lives-whether it’s something you say or do, or something else that happens in their environment-that will mess them up. You can’t control how they internalize all the things in their lives, so let go of the worry that you have to be perfect and just be the best parent you can.
What you can do, however, is give your kids the tools to think critically, ask "why?" and question expectations, so that when they become adults, they have the skills to think long-term and make best choices.
What's one piece of parenting advice you love?
This is a clip from my episode of Leaders Create Leaders with the incredible Gerard Adams. Find the whole thing here: • How To Beat Your Anxie...
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Every parent should be taught this. I feel like this should sort of be common sense but it isn't. Growing up in an abusive, authoritarian household, I wish there were more parents like Mel. Sometimes parents think they know best and maybe they control their kids' lives because they're worried about their futures but they often times don't realise how it can stunt their child's growth and ability to be an independent, well-functioning adult.
Yes, I like her authoritative style much better too. Authoritarian is unrealistic and makes children feel like they can’t be themselves, in my opinion.
I wish I had parents like that. Had to learn (still learning) how to do life mainly by myself. So grateful for the good teachers I had at school and university (actually I'm blessed of having a chance of education). But is till not enough. Noone would ever care for you as much as good parents would. And this emptiness is haunting my life.
It’s more difficult as a parent to encourage kids to think, challenge the status quo, and decide what is right. It’s one thing I believe to have succeeded at in my parenting journey, along side many mistakes.
It requires trust in the kid, trust in the way you’ve raised them and what you’ve modeled to them, and also the strength to watch them make wrong, painful, or impulsive decisions, without bailing them out or rescuing them.
So many times I’ve been proud of my kids when they rebel against the norm, question their peers, and stick up to others that violate their beliefs. It’s really cool to watch.
You are absolutely right!!!!!
Please preach this to Greek/European families because they are so dysfunctional that they see the normal as wrong. My Greek background we are brought up to grow up quickly as children and then when we become adults they try to hold onto us and keep us home forever ☹️
That sounds messed up. But now that "we" are adults we have to take a different approach with our kids. That is what I want to do anyway, what happened to me and how my parents raised me, well that is history now.
In my opinion, every generation gets a little bit better. But we still have to make the effort to improve even more. And I am positive that any kids I migth raise are going to have some issues with me in the end aswell. Since we are not perfect, and neither will their kids be and so on.
Best of luck!
This isn't just with Greek/ European families, these types of parents exist everywhere. Asian tiger parenting for example. Authoritarian parents aren't good in general. But yes, as gimmethecoountplix said, since we've experienced it, we need to make the future generation better. Some parents think their kids should experience what they did, even if it wasn't positive, but I very much disagree.
@@gimmetheacoountplix agreed, the baby boomers were generally a generation of narcissists who messed up their kids. Kids these days are finally getting the right idea about community and what’s truly important.
@@kidzinamerica2008 boom!!!!
When my brother and I were about 14/15 yrs old, our parents gave us the “because I said so” answer. We weren’t going to accept that anymore. We explained that we were old enough that we deserved a real answer, not the cop out answer. It worked.
Now that I’m a stepmom to a 17 yr old, I know the “because I said so” either means I don’t have a legit reason, or the reason is too long or complicated to get into with her.
Brilliant great advice
#askmel So what if she had said I prefer not to do my applications? Or I prefer not to go to college? Would you just accept it and go? That is so hard, I feel terrible when I impose things to my kids, I'm always confused on where and when to let them decide.
I hope she sees this and answers! Great question.
yes! I have the same question! Because both my kids have responded in that way before. Then they are making an unwise decision that will have long-term consequences and it's difficult to sit back and let that happen.
Or when they say.. "I wanna rob banks"
This is where we as parents have to ....Realize....the choices begin right there..maybe some parents feel the next best step after high school is college- the COLD HARD TRUTH is..our kids will need to decide that..where we guide them is..if not college..if not tech school..then the next step is their plan to support themselves financially upon graduation. So, getting a full time job or a job that can cover rent, utilities, food, clothing& toiletries, maybe vehicle & insurance. Sitting down & putting that plan on paper & beginning the process. At this point they will get the message of having to be an adult right after high school graduation- letting them know that living at home will not be an option. A hard part of parenting is being able to deal with allowing our kids to make these choices & if/when mistakes are made - almost always a valuable life lesson is learned- they cannot blame parents for forcing schooling or not choosing better for them- they end up taking responsibility for their actions. They also will be able to take credit for working hard to support themselves & acheive their goals- spoken from experience of having raised a( now 23 year old )totally independant daughter ..& raising a 12 year old son.
Mel, I really enjoy your videos. I’m glad UA-cam puts them on my feed from time to time.
growing up I know that my parents are not the best in terms of parenting and communication. we're leaving in the same house for 18 years and I barely know them. but as older sister i want to gain more knowledge about parenting for me to teach and guide my siblings. it is the least i can do to help my siblings not just live in a house, i want them to have a place to call home
Thanks for sharing!
I would add to "You don't own your kids", "Your kids don't owe you anything". It makes me cringe when I hear that people chose to have kids so that they will take care of them when they get old and so they're not lonely. Like, sure, that'd be nice, but you owe your child their freedom as an adult. They are not chained to you for life because you raised them as an insurance policy for yourself. It's the biggest responsibility. You should be there for them. They are not obligated to be there for you. Especially while they're still developing as children and teenagers. I think a lot of people create their children for selfish reasons and to take from them.
Oh god, this. This is in a similar vein to parents telling their kids to have kids so that they can have grandkids. I don't want kids and my mum won't stop telling me that I have to give her grandkids and that it's selfish not to, as well as the typical "who's going to look after you when you're old?". Uh, me? I'm going to look after myself or go to a home or something, not expect my children to do that. They never asked to be born and I agree, it's very selfish to have kids in order to make your own life better.
It's really nice to hear that someone else feels the same way that I do. :)
Give your children roots and wings - that simple! I am my daughters plan B. If life throws a curveball, they have a roof over their head. True Love is wanting the best for their future, regardless whether I am in it.
Making sure our genes are passed on is hard wired in all of us..some just convince themselves otherwise
Agreeeeeeee!
My mother never hit me, but she oppressed me so violently out of her own fears that I could never function confidently in life. Think about that, parents, before you treat your kids “my way or the highway” heavy handed style.
YES! I've always said "I'm not just raising kids...im raising soon to be adults"
Well said!
Teaching them cause and effect, or to really think about the consequences is huge
Great video, Mel! Really opened my eyes!!
my #1 rule would probably be that you could and should tell me anything and I will not be mad at you. If your grades are falling, I will help. If something is wrong, I will comfort you. Just don’t lie to me because i will not be able to help
Wise words as usual Mel x
I m glad i ve done exactly as what you have said!
Respectfully, this video was full of Contradictions (ex. you’re not the Authority but they have to follow your rules “it’s my house”)! I’m the proud father of two, soon to be, College Graduates in the Midwest...Yes I’ve raised them to be free thinkers and question things, however, I’ve taught them ‘Deference’ and the world is not going to stand still and explain everything to them...the thought of that is Entitlement!
I was just going to write the same thing about the numerous contradictions and then I saw your response and you stated it perfectly. And congratulations to your college grads!
Like you say, this is full of contradictions... your role as a parent would to share your views but ultimately make their own decisions and be available regardless of the consequences, that is what unconditional love and “not owning your children” means to me, so I’m afraid this conversation doesn’t make a lot of sense
I agree the world isn't going to explain everything to them. I think that's why questioning is so important. If the default is to defer to authority (and we set up our kids' defaults by how we expect them to engage with us) then when they're adults and an authority is pushing them in directions that they're not comfortable with or simply don't work for them, they mightn't speak up.
The way I see the contradiction in not being the authority but also have non-negotiable rules is that im not an authoritarian who is going to lord things over my child but I am their guardian and its my job to guard their well-being and that includes things they don't want to do sometimes.
The other thing about the world not explaining things to you is that when you've had explanations drilled into you as a kid you learn why certain things are done so you increase their ability to reason on their own. Don't get me wrong its ANNOYING because they'll question EVERYTHING and its like " do we really have to debate this? Just do it" but I find i repeat myself a lot less if I explain why. For example we take our shoes off in the house and it annoys my son. I never explained why we do it and he'd "forget" to take them off all the time. Then at school they learned about how germs spread by putting glitter on the floor outside and letting the kids walk through it tracking it all over the place.
He brought glitter (germs) into the house that day after school and we discussed it and he's never done it again. Im not perfect though I have days where I lose it and im like just do what I told you but I try not to let that be my default.
Completely agree. Parenting is not a job or a philosophy. It’s a relationship. Kids are not metrics, and you don’t get to measure yourself by how well they have achieved a certain metric that you have in mind. The woman in this video does not seem to grasp that.
Congrats on the kids graduating, very exciting and sounds like they have parents that set them up to be successful! Good job!
Ma'am you are really inspiring. I dont have a job i felt like i can't do anything.but you have changed my perspective totally. If i could get your contact details i would like to discuss with you more.
You won’t really know what is accurate until you’re 60, 70, 80, 90 yo. Those are the people we should be listening to most honestly. The rest of us are still too deep in it to offer any but opinion, not results of those opinions. Myself included. Love Mel. Need someone much older to tell me the outcome of that parenting style though.
Gratitude for this video!
I definitely will buy if you publish parenting book. So glad I found out your video last week and almost done watching all of your videos.
Treavallix The book is written. Find Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
Sometimes you really have to explain the future to your kids or even youncer siblings.
My brother was a lazy ass and wasnt doing good at college due to his lazyness. He wanted to go uni, he got accepted. And i didnt let him go university, i did exacly what this woman did. Explain cause and affect. I said you have to work go out and work. Your lazy and your only going to fail at university becuase you csnt be bothered studying etc and if you cant do it then work. Hes now 24 ownes his houses, thank God, has money saved. And says to me i need to work harder and smarter. He also said am greaful i was pushed by family to make the right decision. Very proud of him definatly.
So true! Thank you😊
Love it so much ! Thanks mell !
AMEN MEL!!! Well said! xx
By the time your child is a teen, it is too late to "parent" them. You can only watch out for them and provide a safety net when they stumble or fall. The real parenting happens from birth to maybe 10-11. If you're lucky and did things right when the child was young, hopefully your teen will allow you to be their "consultant" but the actual parenting days are over. I am not speaking as parent, but as a former child and teen who remembers vividly how I saw my parents and adults in my life at that time.
If not a parent, then to speak to the role of parenting might not be valid-
This was great I am a cause and effect parent style my soon to be ex is a do as I say and because I said so. So in essence I have always had a better relationship still do because they respect me
Some good ideas.
Talk about taking the words out of my mouth. I've only half raised my baby sister but this is exactly the approach I fell into and she blossomed as a result - at least until the rest of our (hideously fucked up Muslim) family intervened and ruined my hard work. But I still believe some seeds remain firmly planted and hold out hope that all isn't yet lost.
So good video!!
From the first comment !!
Please! !put Arab translation *there is a thowsonds of people waiting you and can't know what you say*
Thanks 😉😊😊
Yes they need to be able to make decisions when they get to the right age, but you teach them to make decisions by making decisions for them when they’re young and letting them understand why you made the choices for them that you did, so that they can do it later. Too many people want to be giving kids options when they are small, they need to understand that you’re the boss and take care of them, you’re not there to be their friends.
Mel thankyou
Lol amazing
My daughter would have continued the negotiation -- "okay, so what if I just go see my friends and then do the college applications later on?' knowing full well that her offer would've been rejected. She would have modified her position a dozen times. Then once we came up with an agreement, she'd renegotiate. This would've gone on until I flung myself from a window. This type of parenting is great and I've adhered to it. But it takes a lot of time, energy, and patience. Often parents resort to a more authoritarian position or they just give in to their child's demands.
Spot on. Strong-willed children will go to great lengths to exhaust you and disregard your “guidance”, and don’t let it be multiple siblings at one time. Gotta know when to hold ‘em. Know when to fold ‘em.
I just discovered your channel and I have a question for you- what are your thoughts on the old parenting reasoning of "because I said so" as an answer to a child's question of how come? Thank you.
When a child asks "how come?" Or.."why" - an explanation would be due if it is because they truly do not understand- when "why" is asked in regards to having to do something...it is because you, the parent, has asked something of them.
Gud advice Mam
It's disappointing that people still are needing parenting from others, however if they haven't had good parenting role models then that fine to learn the skills that align positively with the language with the values then they have learnt something very valuable.
"A child is a delicately spinning top, and it doesn't take much to send it off its course".
That is a profound statement. :)
Dear Mel, please help.we had our child taken from us and placed with another family member and that person is punishing my child for lying about getting homework done by taking away the visits we have with our child
Yeeeeees! Exactely
The golden standard=Mel Robbins
She has missed the essential point; too much self-indulgent blah.
The golden rule is: the child is a PERSON from Day One. It's never "the baby".
She’s right
my parents has never said i love you to me, but they have said that i am their property alot of times and they ruind my childhood.
That’s how my parents mostly raised me and now, at 26, I still have a wonderful relationship with them. I probably have the best relationship with my parents than any of my other friends have with their parents. It’s an authoritarian style of parenting and exactly what I needed as a kid
good advice but college applications are really not that bad
I wish.
my 2 year old asks why, and has his own opinion he just came out like that
I hope she talks about empty nest syndrome because I am not afraid to be alone but I am afraid of them being alone...
Well, if they leave the nest with a feeling of love & support from home, they will be putting a positive first foot forward into their future. If, however, they express worries of their own, then taking a look at how to deal with feeling or being alone are in order. Always pray that your children take their values & strengths from home out into the world!
This doesn't resonate with me.
Same not much empathy
Breath taking window light there.
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
She's not aware of so much. She's a controlling coercive parent. Not healthy for either party.
Being trained to ask why and question will sure get you fired pretty soon lmao
Yea. The 10 commandments. And speak once and mean what you say.
🤦🤦this is why parenting is going to crap.
If we have a dictator husband and in the the country with the dictator government and be a single mom,it’s so,so,so hard to be survive!For mom and for her child !!! You can NOT imagine how it’s hard, never imagine!!! 😖Sorry for my message if it’s not good on grammar,English is my second language.
the choice was her's .really?
you just manipulated her choice its manipulative parenting.
Summer is a great time for hanging out not fall also you didn't really give her an option there. You look like a control freak. Watch that child run away from you as soon as she can.
@Nina - Yup, Definitely a narcissist control freak!!
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The best thing you can ever do for them is telling them about Jesus and eternal gift of life he freely gives.
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The purpose of raising children is to teach them to love and fear God first period. If was anything else our world wouldn't be so screwed up.
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Isn't that common sense?
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This is great. Please make more videos on parenting
Katherine Fuentes - Find Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
Yes please!
You can visit our channel for great interviews with parenting experts on peaceful parenting
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My cousin Holly put it the best...
“when you become a parent, you stop being the picture and become the frame” 😉
Great example of how to put it. I'm going to use this saying lol
That's beautiful! I love it
mom of 3, continuously learning parenting
"Because I said so". I've heard that way too many times and it's always pissed me off, even from strangers to their own kids. So stupid and counterproductive in my opinion. Discussions aren't a one way street, even if it's with a child. We have to listen to everyones feelings and opinions to work towards peaceful, health-encouraging and productive, solutions and a certain freedom of choice to maximise learning experiences. Otherwise, to me, it's discrimination of one of the most unhealthy and toxic kinds.
I’ve said all of this to my own parents and husband and they don’t care. You are so correct
@Ronnie Quest sharing info with ppl especially when it comes to how they treat you or your children shouldn’t get on their nerves. If it does then they shouldn’t have had kids or they have an ego problem that outweighs their love for their children. No one is perfect including parents, but they should care more about how they’re making their kids feel rather than their egoic pursuits.
I hear you Jenifer!!! It is really hard when you have polar opposite views on parenting with your husband! (Especially if you are fighting against your own upbringing too!!) I highly recommend doing Mel's Take Control of your Life on audio book!! It helped me heaps! Also apply the cause and effect thing to your parents and husband, lol. Rather than just telling them what you think. Actions speak louder than words so treat them with respect but explain how them disregarding you and undermining your parenting makes you feel, and how difficult it makes to have that cause and effect take place which is the really important aspect of learning life!!
@Ronnie Quest just want to let you know that I think that response was rather harsh! Have you never had conflict with your parents or in-laws attempting to take over your parenting?? Oh my goodness have I!! I lived that crap for 4 years and it almost killed me. (Unfortuantely literally) being told daily that you are doing it wrong or that they know better, is demoralising and exhausting and stressful! And as adults we SHOULD be able to verbally communicate our needs and desires with other adults and have them respond with grace and respect. It often doesn't happen though. So don't be an online troll who desires to strip others down without knowing the whole story. And be aware of your own buttons being pressed. (As mine was by your comment! Lol - just so you know!)
And just as a note, as a mother you have the right to dictate how you parent your kids. Not your parents. Their dad does too though so finding common ground with him is really important. I limit the contact my kids have with certain of their grandparents, because they refuse to respect my views. My kids are old enough now to hold their own, but the younger ones I am still super careful with. I loathe the emotional manipulation that is often applied from the older gen...
@@lenoreriley4871 same here
Thank you Mel Robbins for the message. True parenting is not easy because two kids will never be same. Grateful to be here watching your videos
Thanks for watching, Don!
My two favorite rules are, you're raising a future adult not just a child and dont let your kids do anything that makes you dislike them.
college is a waste of time and money
Yeah idk if she let her daughter choose between a trade, stay home/work from home home, something else or just college
Sounds rather authoritarian to me in terms of parenting styles, full of contradictions
It’s authoritative. There are similarities but generally is a bit easier going in terms of rules. That’s how my parents raised me and it was perfect for me. Not good for my sister though so parenting style really should come down to what works best for that kid.
As a parent I have always seen my role as one of guidance, support & imparting tools they can use to manage life. My husband & I made a very concise decision way back when to always parent consciously and for us it has worked. We treat our children with respect just because they are little humans does not mean they are less deserving. We apologies, we have open communication, we provide an opportunity for them to help us determine appropriate consequences. We teach them through our treatment of them. Mum & Dad are human we make mistakes & when we do we are accountable. Our kids therefore understand mistakes happen & that's okay, we need to find a solution & apologies for our part in a situation. We teach our children to have voice & not be affriad to use it no matter who is on the receiving end, the only caveat is, it must always be done with kindness & respect.
All people deserve parents like this ♥️
I believe and practice the same.
Beautiful philosophy!
I wish my parents were like this! Amazing. I hope I am like this when I am a parent one day!
Even though I don't have kids myself, I still took a lot from this. Firstly, from one of your 31 sessions, I took note of you saying that as adults we need to parent ourselves. For me, everything in this video is what I should expect and encourage in myself when I parent myself. Next, I do need to acknowledge that I didn't get this all the time as a kid - and let that go and now parent myself. Finally, I'm an Auntie that is actively involved with young nephews, I can model and use this behavior when engaging with them. So tons Mel! Thanks again. You are such a clear and direct source of wisdom!
Guidning * responsibility * treat ureself like u treat ure best friend * the coin has two sides * respect * cause and effect * listen * love 🍃
Cause and effect parenting something to think about. My oldest is 9 and we both need this.
Parents have a tremendous impact on their kids' character, beliefs and attitudes! It's good to be more mindful about everything we do and there's always a better way to get your point across rather than just being pushy 👍☺
I'm not even a parent and I'm watching this lol
First 10 seconds and I already loved her idea. She is one of the very few honest youtubers.
thought she was gonna tell us something we didn't know.
Most parents don’t know this.
@@keegangold9765 ...I would have thought that this was common sense, ie, bring your children along and don't dictate too much, give them the same freedoms you had, of course we all fall down and shout sometimes but in the main most parents do this imo. I stand by my original comment.
@@komperstomper6301 the same freedoms "we" had? Who's "we"? Not me. And that's my point. One person's experience is not the same as another's. As a child, my parents were authoritarians. I believe this is true of most people's childhoods. It sounds to me like you were lucky (although oddly angry?). But anyways, I'm really glad that your parents treated you like a human, rather than something to be controlled. I, too, am treating my children as humans and am really excited about it and grateful talks like this exists for those of us who didn't have those freedoms you discussed. "We" is not the standard American experience.
I love the "would you rather?' It's giving them a choice and a chance to think about cause and effect.
Of course that's better than "do that, because I say so" - despite I'm really curious about what would have happened, if the kid decided to go playing now and risks to be unprepared. Would she let her kid just do that and guide the whole process to let her kid learn by trying, even if it's an important case like that ...? Would be ideal, but hard for the parents to just see that happen ^^
I love that - not raising kids-we’re launching future adults.
How refreshing to see this video...absolutely agree. Thank you for sharing
Excellent question!!!! 👍👍
Would you rather have this or this ?
Thank you Mel !!!!
Good word! Teaching them to be adults to be able to live on their own. We cannot control our children to make them into our image.
I really like this style of parenting... And yes, write a book! :)
Typical entitlement grooming 🤷🏽♀️
Doesn't really apply to a toddler who refuses to eat
Erwin Lay absolutely applies. Find Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
I needed to hear this. My 15yr & 17yr olds are driving both my husband and I insane!!!
In an ideal world this is the perfect way to raise your kids. Too bad not all is perfect though, having a son who as a teenager was totally not interested in books and learning made it sometimes hard to let him see how important that is. He did it all the hard way - managed to find a job with the AirForce and is now at 31 yrs willing to learn again. Through everything we have always encouraged him. We all want the same - happy, well balanced independent children/grown ups 🤗
Would it be more relevant to say " guiding children to the door of adulthood" we don't raise adults- we nuture, equip, love, support, discipline, teach, forgive, share, & provide foundations for our kids so they can go out and build their lives!
Raised my daughter the same way but somehow she missed the boat on parents are people too. So she must be entitled.
This is just normal old parenting.