Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
I think 🤔 I am healing...while I naturally want the love and support of parents. I have come to the point that I don't actually value their opinion anymore.
Good for you ❤️🩹 parents are not supposed to be parents forever but members of our flock… think birds! They do a great job of selfless parenting then letting go of offspring for the greater good of the entire community. Be your own parent now ♥️
I just turned 60 & spent 58 years with a sick, demonic, cruel, abusive family. 2 years no contact and looking forward to a beautiful Thanksgiving!🦃🧡💛✨️ Thank you for all you do Mr. Wise, happy thanksgiving! 🦃🧡💛🦃🧡💛🦃🧡💛🦃🧡
@SweepDailyWin it's like u descibe my life.. gosh what have we all been thru! and you also surely 'found out' what really was going on via nice people on the web, like mr Wise? if only my partner wouln't go visit my parents so much... he can't understand (is understandable if you haven't lived it), hugs from Belgium
Don't follow all of your feelings, but don't ignore any. They give us information that can help guide us. We must recognize them, and can't when we ignore them.
I think one of the key things that I learned about my dysfunctional relationship with my father, was it was never a relationship it was always a dictatorship . Once I realized that it was a dictatorship,where I was always expected to give , respond and accommodate his desires , was the moment that I realized why I never felt cared for,loved or respected as his son . I was conditioned to please him and thought that was how I would get what I wanted or needed . Healthy relationships are about giving and receiving as well as cheering each other on.❤
You described my reality with my father as well. His mother was seized by Nazis when she was 12 and taken to Nazi camp where she took care for other children, of course under Nazi dictatorship....and guess what? My father wished to visit a place where Hitler had his secret bunker. He went there. It was a miracle to survive this separation. Only possible with immense God' s help and help of good people around. The only one in the fam.
I'm 45. When I was 18, my mates referred to my Dad as Joe The Dictator. Been there. Growing up was a battle that I am still fatigued and traumatised from. I have only come to realise it ❤
I try to be the opposite of them as much as I can. That's all I could make sense to do when I was younger and it helped for sure. I knew something was so wrong but didn't understand narcissism. At all. And nobody pointed it out. Thank you so much for your help especially for people who cannot afford 120 to 250 an hour to talk and talk and talk to get nothing done. Meaning myself. It's so much better to have someone else doing the talking like yourself. All I ever did and have done is gone in circles. It needs to be explained what's been done to us. Thank you for clearing the fog. You're a blessing to so many people.
I agree with you about how others need to start telling the children of narcissistic parents that they are in a bad situation so they can at the very least, identify what is wrong accurately and learn on their own how to protect themselves from it.... I lived my whole young life with a narc mother and no one in my family ever mentioned how ill my mother was....I am still bitter bc I was the child "no one could do anything for" 😢
I want to thank you for your free videos that have provided more information and healing than years of therapy and thousands of dollars spent. It's been a slow process but I can see a difference over that last several years since I've met you, as well as a few other wise people that provide information and a path to healing on UA-cam. Grateful to you Jerry.
I just wanted to add that it is not our job to fix narcissists or anyone else. Learning how to deal with them and take care of your own self reactions and responses and discernment while understanding that it is not your job to fix them or anyone else.
my grandmother is the narcissist. She abused my mother into a husk of a person. But I wasn't that close to her and was unaffected. It wasn't until my grandfather died and she changed the will immediately that I was tormented. I thought she was a bad person but at least loved and honored her husband, I thought there were basic morals she wouldn't cross. Mom was right and I was wrong. I wasn't abused until my 30s, I was saved from being a husk like mom. Healing is still hard.
Great advice Jerry. Even though it is a slow process, it's so important to learn to love and respect ourselves regardless of how people view us or what they might say about us. People's opinions of us are not the final authority.
My inner child is safe with you, Jerry. With deepest gratitude for you, your knowledge, and the fullest self you bring to each one of your videos. Happy Thanksgiving!
I found this so helpful and I really needed to absorb this. The part where Jerry talks about the uneven dynamic of the relationship. They want respect but are not willing to give it. The one thing that stood out to me when you mentioned this was how I treat others the way I want to be treated, with respect and understanding, so that's how I tend to approach it, but in doing so, I have unknowingly made things worse. This is why the pattern of behavior has continued. Makes so much sense. Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving, Jerry and all.
I'm so grateful for this video Jerry. this was so painful but therapeutic to hear at the same time as I resonated to it all. you deserve an award for your efforts here on UA-cam. much appreciated for your insights as always.💯
- 00:36 🔑 Importance of self-differentiation: Being true to yourself without absorbing others’ toxicity or expectations is central to healing. - 02:10 🧩 Systems thinking in relationships: Understanding family dynamics as interdependent systems is essential for personal growth. - 03:30 🌟 Emotional detachment: Changing your emotional "location" alters family dynamics and fosters self-empowerment. - 05:20 🧘 Letting go of guilt and shame: Shifting away from programmed guilt changes how you fit into family dynamics. - 07:26 🕰️ Healing takes time: Avoid seeking quick fixes; instead, focus on understanding emotional processes within family systems. - 09:00 🛬 Avoid rash confrontations: Addressing charged family dynamics requires preparation and emotional regulation, not impulsivity. - 12:03 🧠 Not all feelings are true: Distinguish between valid feelings and those influenced by dysfunctional systems. - 15:29 🛑 Inner boundaries matter: External boundaries are only effective when rooted in strong inner self-esteem and emotional detachment. - 17:02 🎯 It's okay to disappoint others: Embracing this allows you to stop rescuing people from their feelings and fosters healthier relationships. - 19:01 🚑 Don't rush to rescue others; instead, explore the roots of their struggles to empower them without creating dependency. - 20:03 📜 Normal rules don’t apply to abnormal relationships; adapt boundaries and responses accordingly. - 20:57 ⚠️ Applying conventional norms in toxic relationships can lead to exploitation or harm. - 23:40 🛡️ You are not responsible for others' feelings or actions, even if they claim you are; focus on managing your own. - 25:04 🌱 Self-differentiation from family or unhealthy systems is key to personal growth and healing. - 26:10 🔑 Self-differentiation unlocks recovery, enabling you to build your true, strong self.
I went through four and a half years of pain when my mother would not listen to me. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I begged her to listen, and she labelled my pleas to be heard as insanity and aggression. I understand now that I spent the first 2 years begging to be heard because I didn't want the reality to be true. I wanted to get some breadcrumb that would make me believe again that she would listen to me. But no, I had to go through that pain. I went to therapy and I heard what the therapist said but my goal was still to be heard. No it's less painful. I have given up on the hope that she will consider me worthy of being heard. I am self differentiated, but my goal is that she will acknowledge that she did not listen. She walked away shut me down, dismissed, minimised denied labelled me crazy.... but her narrative is that I got angry with her for no reason. She did nothing wrong. At one point, I still longed to have this awful woman back in my life but on my terms. Ie that they admit they don't listen. Maybe in another 4 years I'll have accepted that'll never happen either. I guess I won't care either way. It's sad.
Thanks Jerry for sharing in this excellent video! I had kind of a breakthrough when I realized that my elderly mother was a Covert Narcissist. She likes to appear to be a sweet little old lady, but to my husband and me, she treats us like Yo-yos. She'd say my husband was Wonderful, then a week later, she'd say that he despised her. She is that way with me too. No, she has no Dementia. She rejected and avoided us this summer. Recently, she was in the hospital. She told the pastor's wife that we didn't want to be "bothered" that she was hospitalized! That's false! It was very awkward to reply to our pastor's wife. What else has my mother been twisting and exaggerating?? I had set a first-ever boundary, to not text at night about her mysterious (incurable but never -worsening, 🤔) pain UNLESS she was actually going to the hospital. I've been friendly, but we are NOT going back to our weekly lunch visits (I haven't gotten the courage to tell her clearly ). I am the Scapegoat and Supply. I'm not inviting her here for Thanksgiving. Previously the Systems guilt would've gotten to me. We are willing to briefly visit there if she asks. Once I realized that she was behaving foolish and worse, I found many Bible verses to support limiting time with her. It's been a Topical Study of mine this year.
Hank’s for the wisdom. The part about too much anxiety in the system to try to assert myself resonates today. Tomorrow is thanksgiving dinner with the family and I’m already getting pinged. I think being less reactive is enough to touch off enough anxiety for them. So I’m just going to take it easy and observe.
Many people might not even gain access to this information and could spend a lifetime stuck, unaware of the root causes of their struggles. Thank you, Jerry, for providing us with life-changing information in 26 minutes-insights that took you decades to figure out.
i must admit despite all the inner work i do, i continue to see a pretty much 1-1 correlation with my emotional state as being built entirely from external validation, when i have it my mood is up, and when i dont my mood is low. i practice many things and understand all theoretically but havent had any luck in feeling good about myself in general irrespective of the feedback im getting from others around me
I remembered more and more.. that I am good enough, even when I am disregulated. The disregulation itself distorts your selfworth. If you finally get it, you dont need external validation. much love
To heal you need to break the emotional damage done, you need to understand you aren’t that useless piece of garbage, you need to gain confidence in yourself. To achieve this some people, probably the majority, need professional help while others it might be a certain event in life that releases the damage done. For me it was the sudden realization as a parent I was becoming my father. Thankfully my kids were so young they don’t remember. I can’t remember the exact age but I will go with my sons were 2 and 4. I was screaming and got a look at their face, scared as can be. That moment I decided there was no way I would treat them the way I was brought up. That was the moment I broke the emotional damage. My healing process progressed fairly quick after this
💗So thankful to have heard u on Les Carter’s video. I’ve never been able to move from point A to C as there seemed no rope ladder to point B. U talked about “other” focus instead of “self” focus and instead of wondering ‘why r they like that’s asking ‘what do u do when they r like that’. U mentioned asking if all the bitterness and shame were removed, what would be left and the answer is nothing…there is nothing in here because I have loaned it all to others. Thank u for giving me hope and practical rope ladders to see that there is a way to get to point B. Only someone who has lived this could reach so many bereft of hope. God bless u. 💕
Amazing. I know it was a lot of effort, reading, talking with people, self-discipline, meditation, prayer, miracles and Grace for 70 YEARS to bring me to the point where I could understand exactly what you're saying, AND when I did I had the proverbial experience of "a ton of bricks" being lifted off me or lights being turned on, AND the bricks have not returned, and I know they will not return, and I know the light is staying ON : ) I signed up for your course the day before yesterday and am just plain having fun and happy like a kid playing and enjoying rain for the first time.
Such great information. I am literally trying to navigate through my dysfunctional family, after 10 years of not speaking with them, so that I could start the healing and have a fighting chance. Since re-uniting a month a half ago, I am seeing for the first time, HOW dysfunctional and narcissistic my family truly is. And it is very overwhelming, so this video came at the perfect time. Thank you! Sending you so much gratitude and love! 🥰❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍💫
Again, thank you for the content. It all rings true. Narcissistic abuse is so specific. I never really had a concept of who I was and what I wanted, but when I look back, I revel in those moments when I asserted my individuality. I like to say I’ve been rebelling against maternal narcissism since 1958!
I am working my way through your program for 6+ months (aka very slowly), and wanted you to know I that, after a year if trying to ignore my mother's really nasty phone messages, I have finally had the 'courage' to change my phone number. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 😅
Thanks for explaining the nuance… of how our generosity is used against us because we don’t lean into savvy wisdom. “Abnormal” bind. Your words feel healing and help set my compass on a direction. Gotta go fly a plane.
In survival if you find that you are lost the first thing you do is to set down and take inventory. Own the situation . Calm your mind . Look around for available aids . Then form a plan based on your abilities .
My mom is so enmeshed in my siblings garbage she is going to pretend to forget that my sister never had her to her home for thanksgiving in years. Rather my husband and I always went to mom’s place and made her a lovely turkey dinner etc. I just enjoyed a walk in the fall colors with my husband and dogs. No contact - I realize how much energy I gave away. I hope they are all having a great day but sadly, there will be anxiety complaining and god knows what. I’ll be here relaxing and doing me things.
Thank You. Your videos have been extremely helpful, insightful and eye-opening for me. I feel so much more empowered since finding your channel 6 months ago. Keep up the great work..
Thank you Jerry, you are a eye opening teacher. This video was exactly what I needed today. Again thank you for being a good man and reaching out to others that are struggling and lost.
I love self-differentiation so much - it's just that I - unfortunately - was not ready to self-differentiate before I was ready to self-differentiate. What makes someone ready to sd? Talk to God, talk to my past lives, talk to the way my body is made up, talk to the stars, talk to the plan they made for me to come into this world into the narcissistic dysfunctional family I was born into, talk to the level of abuse I endured growing up that was not my fault - ??? - I don't know what makes someone ready. I wasn't ready until I reached 55 years old - I'm 60 now - and this has been the most amazing years so far of my life - this awakening to myself. If you had told me all of these 9 amazing lessons - in my case 25 years ago - I wouldn't have heard or listened - or even if I did hear and listen - my body wasn't ready. I had an artistic rennaissance in my 30's that was wonderful - but because it involved getting closer to my true self - I had to shut it down until I was strong enough to open it back up again. Anyway - I hear you now and find your lessons so helpful - thank you Jerry.
Hello Jerry, What great timing to share this outstanding reminder and lesson right before the holiday. Everything I have learned from you has nothing but improved myself to become a more mature and healthy person. My own physical health has been improved as well. I just sincerely need to Thank you from my heart, how much all this has helped me. I hope you have a fantastic, Thanksgiving. I truly mean this. Eileen
This resonated with me. You know there’s no point in having a conversation with them because you know they won’t listen/co-operate anyway. I’ve been through this so many times and eventually you need to accept the relationship won’t be resolved and to go no contact.. the last 12 months have been a blessing.. ❤
I just texted my sister to ask if she needed anything for dinner tomorrow. She’s hosting. She texts back that they’re all set but if I want to bring food for myself I can. Immediate ping. I’m thinking so I can bring something but it’s not to be shared at the meal. It’s only for me? I’m hoping I can diffuse some of these reactions before I go. But I guess it’s just a dinner. Maybe my best plan is an exit at a time that’s good for me instead of staying til I’m allowed to go.
@ lol well I guess I can’t apply normal rules to abnormal relationships. I can be polite but the response seems to be that I’m expected to be polite but they don’t have to. But I’ll do it anyway knowing the truth.
I don’t eat meat, so Thanksgiving is always a lovely fellowship opportunity, not a high expectation food day. However, no one has ever suggested to bring something just for me. That would feel isolating, like an ambush. I definitely would not know how to respond to that.
@ thank you. I’m glad you have a nice holiday. I’m just figuring it out now. Like a science project lol. The invite is sort of compulsory, so it’s not like they have to reach far to call me (sort of a Hoover) then I act like an adult and offer to bring a dish or chip’s etc. then sis turns me down flat but with a kind word. They’ve systematically taken away my contributions so that I’m not allowed to move basically. I used to make the pumpkin pies but when I got my own chickens they wouldn’t eat the pie anymore. So now my sis does all the cooking. Guess I get out of all of it. I am not to so much as take a morsel of meat off the bird unless it’s ready to serve. Last year I was hungry and they throw a lot away. So I snitched a little piece of Turkey off the stripped bone and my sister didn’t miss it. She threw that whole thing right in the trash. I can’t go for snacks on my own. I have to ask and then she goes to the fridge with me and takes everything out and watches. When i offered to bring something and then she was able to debase me a bit, then she wanted to chat by text. (Enter soothing)
Listening to this b4 my family all arrives, funny, thought l was beyond the anxiety of being with my family, but finding l'm getting anxious. Ugh So listening as a reminder to just be me, be at peace, and relax. I'm in a good place and not going to let them affect me in a negative way. NO reactions!! I'm determined to be at peace today. If gets to be too much, l will hide in my room for a bit, meditate. It'll be ok! Good luck today everyone with narcissist families. ❤ Happy Thanksgiving! 😊
Sadly not so. Many ppl have no empathy and function alarmingly well as human beings. Many run multinational companies, many are high up in the legal profession. Truly horrible but facing reality is powerful
How do you know who your "true" self is when you do things and think based on what your experiences are and have been based on the narcissistic abuse you have endured all your life.
Jerry, thank you for this video. Touching on the religious aspect is really super helpful because when God’s Word is manipulated to spiritually abuse on top of the emotional abuse when you have your own personal relationship with Jesus helped to cover this sub-area on the greater topic
Jerry, you have helped so many people along your journey. I hope you feel whole and self differentiated now. May God Almighty continue to heal you, bless you, and use your experiences to guide others on a similar journey to self differentiation.
Thank you so much for your videos, and I plan to take your course in a couple of months when I get through some sticky situations. This is the first year I will be spending the holidays completely away from family. Had a great Friendsgiving and looking forward to not having to feel shame, guilt, or my experience ignored this year! I hope once I do more healing, I will reach a safe psychological standpoint to reengage with family, but right now, I'm just doing me. Thanks again! 😊
I'm now 52 and menopausal,, this is a thing no one wants to talk about,, I'm lonely depressed, suicidal,,, how the hell can I spend Xmas with my narsassist family when I'm as an open wound, so vulnerable, I know I'll cry all day but they don't understand how hard this change is,,, it's about time our middle aged menopausal mothers, sisters and daughters are going through because I've never felt so bad in my life,,, I am getting help but absolutely can not deal with an unsupportive family this year so stay alone? I'll cry all day anyway,, we need to talk about this Gerry 😢
Maybe you could spend the holidays with friends who can relate instead of family. In my area, there are some Facebook groups for singles over 40 and some for women only. If you don't have a lot of friends, maybe something like that could help? ❤
@@Irishmammy281 My previous comment is gone... I can't see it. Maybe you received it in your email notifications? Maybe it is visible in the "recent comments" section? I don't know. Hope it will be visible somewhere for you. I add another possible "choice online". If you like this type of channel and if you like the person hosting the livestream, just check: Jimmy Akin, in the Live section. He usually does a long special livestream the Christmas Day. It's a Christian channel and I have suggested it to you because I noticed that you are Irish. Hope it is ok for you.
My friend from a premier Narc family took herself to Nepenthes Big Sur every Christmas. Camp out in a van overnight, enjoy the stars. Treat yourself WELL to what you love
I am most happy to say, that everything in your video Jerry, sums up my journey so far and your videos, especially the self differentiation to begin with, really has worked for me. Dear Jerry, I listened to you, and I started my process of self differentiation firstly through physical distancing which gave me the space to learn to be comfortable with disappointing others which in turn, helped reinforce the need for me to put my Self first and find my core wounds, and by gaining insight into those through self differentiation, I am more loving to my self and others, even if they do not understand, what I am doing is being loving to them, that's ok. I am so grateful to you and all that you do. There are no short cuts to this inner work, you can do all the assertive training etc but it only work if you are comfortable in your self/love your self first. thankyou I hope I can continue my journey to becoming a better self. I have the awareness and started to put into action, it not easy but nothing worth doing is ever easy. Thankyou so much Jerry, you are so Wise!!!🥰
Thanks for this. This has been the pep talk I needed. I've been a bit lost recently after a rather melodramatic series of events and struggling to come to terms with the situation and move forward due to self-doubt. You've reminded me of the many self-learned tools and strategies I've employed through my own healing and growth. Your closing words are powerful. Time for me to move forward again...
1)Trying to suck you back in to where you were; 2) just leave a hole; 3) or adapt around you. I suppose with me they will "adapt", but not around me, without me. That is quite sad. But like you said, being truthful to myself is the first thing I never got to have.
I'm 63... and narc mother died.. so siblings discarded me, before I could discard them. sister stole my inheritance through manipulating the attorney. I feel it's too late at my age. never got married and had my own family because was narc Mom's caretaker because I didn't deserve to have my own family. I didn't deserve to be loved since I was not human, only a "thing" to be used then stuck on the shelf until useful again. 😢
Sir not only parents.... teachers too, doctors too... full of narcisism and pride... teachers critisize children, wanna change parents. When you go to the doctors, this bags of vip-s would only heal with amoksiclav. We don't expect healing from a doctor's visit. Althow deep down we do, otherwise we wouldn't go there. Neighbours are disgusting too, most of them are not close to human. I mean, i am screaming inside, i hate it all so much. The whole system. I was dropped on a wrong planet. At the same time i am just thinking how fucked up my life is, how it would be nice to never wake up again and i am worrying about daughter's future ( money, what kind of experiences will she have with men , and the system, when she is from the lowest class. And at the same time, i think i can't help her. I am getting old. There are no normal jobs for me, and i am sick. In body and mind....
I think accepting myself and having self awareness of my position in the family is easiest as an adult outside of the family home. It would have been impossible to heal and cope inside the lion's den growing up in that environment
Thank you so much this is really helpful ,I follow you from Algeria 🇩🇿please pray for me to leave safely the toxic house soon ! Its hard in "conservative country that it society worship Parent's especially mother's and treats them as saints! But i can do it ! I will!
This is the first point therapists should point out to their patients…they are not responsible for their salvation but their self differentiation. Freeing them from the saviour role and the triangulation this traps people in, including the therapist.
Just found these and alot of them hit close to home. Alot of titles to go through are there any Titles regarding Cyclical Nature of this, maybe gentic aspects or learned behaviors. I know my parents and grandparents are narsasists; ive also been accused and would like tips on breaking the cycle.
Hi Jerry thanks a lot for your awesome work! I have a question, my narc mom is now trying to guilt trip me because i went very minimum contact/grey rock with her. She claims I never "share anything" anymore, while she never does, that i never reach out "like before". She abandonned me after having a major surgery while pregnant, i gave birth alone, i did everything ALONE as if i grew up in a shelter... and now she apparently wants to pick up where we left 2 years ago.. logically it is clear what to do, but emotionally it is a torment still..
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
I am in my late 50s and so glad I have discovered you.
I think 🤔 I am healing...while I naturally want the love and support of parents. I have come to the point that I don't actually value their opinion anymore.
That's a great step towards healing ❤
Good for you ❤️🩹 parents are not supposed to be parents forever but members of our flock… think birds! They do a great job of selfless parenting then letting go of offspring for the greater good of the entire community. Be your own parent now ♥️
@@caroleminke6116😊❤🎉
Tell yourself thanks for your opinions but your suggestion box is full ❤…..
You’re doing you now .
@@caroleminke6116 wow how beautifully said!!
I just turned 60 & spent 58 years with a sick, demonic, cruel, abusive family.
2 years no contact and looking forward to a beautiful Thanksgiving!🦃🧡💛✨️
Thank you for all you do
Mr. Wise, happy thanksgiving!
🦃🧡💛🦃🧡💛🦃🧡💛🦃🧡
Congratulations. I just celebrated my 3rd year
No contact works! It’s such a blessing to have peace ☮️
❤🎉😊
Wonderful to hear that. Im looking forward to following you. 👍🏻
@SweepDailyWin it's like u descibe my life.. gosh what have we all been thru! and you also surely 'found out' what really was going on via nice people on the web, like mr Wise? if only my partner wouln't go visit my parents so much... he can't understand (is understandable if you haven't lived it), hugs from Belgium
Having more energy for yourself is a sure sign it's the opposite of feeling attacked/drained, our energy is for us, we've enough on our plates!
The energy is ours. We are wonderfully made.
I think I know the feeling you are talking about here.
I could use some pumpkin pie on my plate.🥧
Don't follow all of your feelings, but don't ignore any. They give us information that can help guide us.
We must recognize them, and can't when we ignore them.
I love when you say it’s ok to disappoint others. I would like to see a video just about that.
I think one of the key things that I learned about my dysfunctional relationship with my father, was it was never a relationship it was always a dictatorship .
Once I realized that it was a dictatorship,where I was always expected to give , respond and accommodate his desires , was the moment that I realized why I never felt cared for,loved or respected as his son .
I was conditioned to please him and thought that was how I would get what I wanted or needed .
Healthy relationships are about giving and receiving as well as cheering each other on.❤
Also requires both or all parties giving to eachother. Give and take not one side gives the other side takes.
You described my reality with my father as well. His mother was seized by Nazis when she was 12 and taken to Nazi camp where she took care for other children, of course under Nazi dictatorship....and guess what? My father wished to visit a place where Hitler had his secret bunker. He went there. It was a miracle to survive this separation. Only possible with immense God' s help and help of good people around. The only one in the fam.
Dictatorship, not a relationship is right on! Dictators don’t have your back.
I'm 45. When I was 18, my mates referred to my Dad as Joe The Dictator.
Been there.
Growing up was a battle that I am still fatigued and traumatised from. I have only come to realise it ❤
at the age of 7 or 8 we were already calling my dad Fidel, as in Fidel Castro because he was such a dictator
I try to be the opposite of them as much as I can. That's all I could make sense to do when I was younger and it helped for sure. I knew something was so wrong but didn't understand narcissism. At all. And nobody pointed it out. Thank you so much for your help especially for people who cannot afford 120 to 250 an hour to talk and talk and talk to get nothing done. Meaning myself. It's so much better to have someone else doing the talking like yourself. All I ever did and have done is gone in circles. It needs to be explained what's been done to us. Thank you for clearing the fog. You're a blessing to so many people.
💯 !!!! Right there w u! Thank u, Jerry 💕🙏🕊💕🙏
I agree with you about how others need to start telling the children of narcissistic parents that they are in a bad situation so they can at the very least, identify what is wrong accurately and learn on their own how to protect themselves from it.... I lived my whole young life with a narc mother and no one in my family ever mentioned how ill my mother was....I am still bitter bc I was the child "no one could do anything for" 😢
Agreed. I received more help and heard more common sense from Jerry than any therapist or counselor I saw.
I want to thank you for your free videos that have provided more information and healing than years of therapy and thousands of dollars spent. It's been a slow process but I can see a difference over that last several years since I've met you, as well as a few other wise people that provide information and a path to healing on UA-cam. Grateful to you Jerry.
The same here .. Andrew and Tamie may have saved my live.
My narc parents were the perfect example of everything I did not want to be.
I just wanted to add that it is not our job to fix narcissists or anyone else. Learning how to deal with them and take care of your own self reactions and responses and discernment while understanding that it is not your job to fix them or anyone else.
We need Jerry’s help because letting go is a really hard process. We have to understand it takes time.
Hello Jerry! Count me in on people you have helped! I am healing and have set boundaries with my family of origin… self differentiation… the key…
my grandmother is the narcissist. She abused my mother into a husk of a person. But I wasn't that close to her and was unaffected. It wasn't until my grandfather died and she changed the will immediately that I was tormented. I thought she was a bad person but at least loved and honored her husband, I thought there were basic morals she wouldn't cross. Mom was right and I was wrong. I wasn't abused until my 30s, I was saved from being a husk like mom. Healing is still hard.
My mother is a Narcissist, I got Ptsd from her abuse
@@lo-ul8nqSame here. I'm healing after NC though.
Great advice Jerry. Even though it is a slow process, it's so important to learn to love and respect ourselves regardless of how people view us or what they might say about us. People's opinions of us are not the final authority.
My inner child is safe with you, Jerry. With deepest gratitude for you, your knowledge, and the fullest self you bring to each one of your videos. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove 👍
I found this so helpful and I really needed to absorb this. The part where Jerry talks about the uneven dynamic of the relationship. They want respect but are not willing to give it. The one thing that stood out to me when you mentioned this was how I treat others the way I want to be treated, with respect and understanding, so that's how I tend to approach it, but in doing so, I have unknowingly made things worse. This is why the pattern of behavior has continued. Makes so much sense.
Thank you! Happy Thanksgiving, Jerry and all.
Good luck y'all tomorrow...
I'm so grateful for this video Jerry. this was so painful but therapeutic to hear at the same time as I resonated to it all. you deserve an award for your efforts here on UA-cam. much appreciated for your insights as always.💯
This is one of your best videos, Jerry! Thank you for helping to heal!!
Wow, thank you
- 00:36 🔑 Importance of self-differentiation: Being true to yourself without absorbing others’ toxicity or expectations is central to healing.
- 02:10 🧩 Systems thinking in relationships: Understanding family dynamics as interdependent systems is essential for personal growth.
- 03:30 🌟 Emotional detachment: Changing your emotional "location" alters family dynamics and fosters self-empowerment.
- 05:20 🧘 Letting go of guilt and shame: Shifting away from programmed guilt changes how you fit into family dynamics.
- 07:26 🕰️ Healing takes time: Avoid seeking quick fixes; instead, focus on understanding emotional processes within family systems.
- 09:00 🛬 Avoid rash confrontations: Addressing charged family dynamics requires preparation and emotional regulation, not impulsivity.
- 12:03 🧠 Not all feelings are true: Distinguish between valid feelings and those influenced by dysfunctional systems.
- 15:29 🛑 Inner boundaries matter: External boundaries are only effective when rooted in strong inner self-esteem and emotional detachment.
- 17:02 🎯 It's okay to disappoint others: Embracing this allows you to stop rescuing people from their feelings and fosters healthier relationships.
- 19:01 🚑 Don't rush to rescue others; instead, explore the roots of their struggles to empower them without creating dependency.
- 20:03 📜 Normal rules don’t apply to abnormal relationships; adapt boundaries and responses accordingly.
- 20:57 ⚠️ Applying conventional norms in toxic relationships can lead to exploitation or harm.
- 23:40 🛡️ You are not responsible for others' feelings or actions, even if they claim you are; focus on managing your own.
- 25:04 🌱 Self-differentiation from family or unhealthy systems is key to personal growth and healing.
- 26:10 🔑 Self-differentiation unlocks recovery, enabling you to build your true, strong self.
Thanks so much for this!
Your voice is so calming. Thank you.
I went through four and a half years of pain when my mother would not listen to me. I did EVERYTHING wrong. I begged her to listen, and she labelled my pleas to be heard as insanity and aggression. I understand now that I spent the first 2 years begging to be heard because I didn't want the reality to be true. I wanted to get some breadcrumb that would make me believe again that she would listen to me. But no, I had to go through that pain. I went to therapy and I heard what the therapist said but my goal was still to be heard. No it's less painful. I have given up on the hope that she will consider me worthy of being heard. I am self differentiated, but my goal is that she will acknowledge that she did not listen. She walked away shut me down, dismissed, minimised denied labelled me crazy.... but her narrative is that I got angry with her for no reason. She did nothing wrong. At one point, I still longed to have this awful woman back in my life but on my terms. Ie that they admit they don't listen. Maybe in another 4 years I'll have accepted that'll never happen either. I guess I won't care either way. It's sad.
I could have written this. You've written all my thoughts and feelings with my own mother. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thanks Jerry for sharing in this excellent video!
I had kind of a breakthrough when I realized that my elderly mother was a Covert Narcissist. She likes to appear to be a sweet little old lady, but to my husband and me, she treats us like Yo-yos.
She'd say my husband was Wonderful, then a week later, she'd say that he despised her. She is that way with me too. No, she has no Dementia.
She rejected and avoided us this summer.
Recently, she was in the hospital. She told the pastor's wife that we didn't want to be "bothered" that she was hospitalized! That's false! It was very awkward to reply to our pastor's wife. What else has my mother been twisting and exaggerating??
I had set a first-ever boundary, to not text at night about her mysterious (incurable but never -worsening, 🤔) pain UNLESS she was actually going to the hospital.
I've been friendly, but we are NOT going back to our weekly lunch visits (I haven't gotten the courage to tell her clearly ).
I am the Scapegoat and Supply.
I'm not inviting her here for Thanksgiving. Previously the Systems guilt would've gotten to me. We are willing to briefly visit there if she asks.
Once I realized that she was behaving foolish and worse, I found many Bible verses to support limiting time with her. It's been a Topical Study of mine this year.
Hank’s for the wisdom. The part about too much anxiety in the system to try to assert myself resonates today. Tomorrow is thanksgiving dinner with the family and I’m already getting pinged. I think being less reactive is enough to touch off enough anxiety for them. So I’m just going to take it easy and observe.
Dont go. Simple
Many people might not even gain access to this information and could spend a lifetime stuck, unaware of the root causes of their struggles. Thank you, Jerry, for providing us with life-changing information in 26 minutes-insights that took you decades to figure out.
Thank you for using that 60 year experience to help us and saying whats almost unsayable unless youve bern thru it 🎉🎉🎉
i must admit despite all the inner work i do, i continue to see a pretty much 1-1 correlation with my emotional state as being built entirely from external validation, when i have it my mood is up, and when i dont my mood is low. i practice many things and understand all theoretically but havent had any luck in feeling good about myself in general irrespective of the feedback im getting from others around me
What helped a lot - creating an inner parent whose voice would be supporting, caring, kind of adult self who could validate my inner child.
thank you, yeah i have been doing this but i will focus on it more
I remembered more and more.. that I am good enough, even when I am disregulated. The disregulation itself distorts your selfworth. If you finally get it, you dont need external validation. much love
To heal you need to break the emotional damage done, you need to understand you aren’t that useless piece of garbage, you need to gain confidence in yourself.
To achieve this some people, probably the majority, need professional help while others it might be a certain event in life that releases the damage done.
For me it was the sudden realization as a parent I was becoming my father. Thankfully my kids were so young they don’t remember. I can’t remember the exact age but I will go with my sons were 2 and 4. I was screaming and got a look at their face, scared as can be. That moment I decided there was no way I would treat them the way I was brought up. That was the moment I broke the emotional damage.
My healing process progressed fairly quick after this
That's inspiring, thanks for that.
💗So thankful to have heard u on Les Carter’s video. I’ve never been able to move from point A to C as there seemed no rope ladder to point B. U talked about “other” focus instead of “self” focus and instead of wondering ‘why r they like that’s asking ‘what do u do when they r like that’. U mentioned asking if all the bitterness and shame were removed, what would be left and the answer is nothing…there is nothing in here because I have loaned it all to others. Thank u for giving me hope and practical rope ladders to see that there is a way to get to point B. Only someone who has lived this could reach so many bereft of hope. God bless u. 💕
I also like the using a magic wand to remove guilt and shame!
Amazing. I know it was a lot of effort, reading, talking with people, self-discipline, meditation, prayer, miracles and Grace for 70 YEARS to bring me to the point where I could understand exactly what you're saying, AND when I did I had the proverbial experience of "a ton of bricks" being lifted off me or lights being turned on, AND the bricks have not returned, and I know they will not return, and I know the light is staying ON : ) I signed up for your course the day before yesterday and am just plain having fun and happy like a kid playing and enjoying rain for the first time.
Interesting discussion of systems versus true feelings.
Thanks Jerry. Your Wise words definitely make a difference ❤
Such great information. I am literally trying to navigate through my dysfunctional family, after 10 years of not speaking with them, so that I could start the healing and have a fighting chance. Since re-uniting a month a half ago, I am seeing for the first time, HOW dysfunctional and narcissistic my family truly is. And it is very overwhelming, so this video came at the perfect time. Thank you! Sending you so much gratitude and love! 🥰❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍💫
Happy Thanksgiving, Jerry! I am thankful for the content you post. It's been life changing.
I’m glad you find my videos helpful, thank you for watching! Happy thanksgiving ❤️
Again, thank you for the content. It all rings true. Narcissistic abuse is so specific. I never really had a concept of who I was and what I wanted, but when I look back, I revel in those moments when I asserted my individuality. I like to say I’ve been rebelling against maternal narcissism since 1958!
So grateful for you, Mr. Wise. Wish I had discovered you long ago; I am 66 and finally free from toxic family of origin.
I am working my way through your program for 6+ months (aka very slowly), and wanted you to know I that, after a year if trying to ignore my mother's really nasty phone messages, I have finally had the 'courage' to change my phone number. HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 😅
Good for you! If she should ever call or contact you then just block her & keep on going forward 😉 you’ve got this!
@ thank you!
😊
Thanks for explaining the nuance… of how our generosity is used against us because we don’t lean into savvy wisdom. “Abnormal” bind. Your words feel healing and help set my compass on a direction. Gotta go fly a plane.
In survival if you find that you are lost the first thing you do is to set down and take inventory. Own the situation . Calm your mind . Look around for available aids . Then form a plan based on your abilities .
Thank you so much for your effort, your being and sharing with us. This do help a lot. I am a women from Amsterdam, Holland. Hug from oversees.
My mom is so enmeshed in my siblings garbage she is going to pretend to forget that my sister never had her to her home for thanksgiving in years. Rather my husband and I always went to mom’s place and made her a lovely turkey dinner etc. I just enjoyed a walk in the fall colors with my husband and dogs. No contact - I realize how much energy I gave away. I hope they are all having a great day but sadly, there will be anxiety complaining and god knows what. I’ll be here relaxing and doing me things.
Thank You. Your videos have been extremely helpful, insightful and eye-opening for me. I feel so much more empowered since finding your channel 6 months ago. Keep up the great work..
Thank you for your generous share, Jerry Wise.
It informs and hepls so much.🌹
Really one of your best videos. Thank you so much. Respect 🙏
Glad you enjoyed it!
Jerry is definitely Wise ❤
Thank you for your professional presentations on this complex issue.
Thank you Jerry, you are a eye opening teacher. This video was exactly what I needed today. Again thank you for being a good man and reaching out to others that are struggling and lost.
I love self-differentiation so much - it's just that I - unfortunately - was not ready to self-differentiate before I was ready to self-differentiate. What makes someone ready to sd? Talk to God, talk to my past lives, talk to the way my body is made up, talk to the stars, talk to the plan they made for me to come into this world into the narcissistic dysfunctional family I was born into, talk to the level of abuse I endured growing up that was not my fault - ??? - I don't know what makes someone ready. I wasn't ready until I reached 55 years old - I'm 60 now - and this has been the most amazing years so far of my life - this awakening to myself. If you had told me all of these 9 amazing lessons - in my case 25 years ago - I wouldn't have heard or listened - or even if I did hear and listen - my body wasn't ready. I had an artistic rennaissance in my 30's that was wonderful - but because it involved getting closer to my true self - I had to shut it down until I was strong enough to open it back up again. Anyway - I hear you now and find your lessons so helpful - thank you Jerry.
Thank you so very very much Jerry❤
Hello Jerry, What great timing to share this outstanding reminder and lesson right before the holiday. Everything I have learned from you has nothing but improved myself to become a more mature and healthy person. My own physical health has been improved as well.
I just sincerely need to Thank you from my heart, how much all this has helped me. I hope you have a fantastic, Thanksgiving. I truly mean this. Eileen
This resonated with me. You know there’s no point in having a conversation with them because you know they won’t listen/co-operate anyway. I’ve been through this so many times and eventually you need to accept the relationship won’t be resolved and to go no contact.. the last 12 months have been a blessing.. ❤
Thank you Jerry.
It’s like a compass
Even if they said sorry, what does it change? That helped.
Thank you Jerry,sending so much love from Italy ❤
I just texted my sister to ask if she needed anything for dinner tomorrow. She’s hosting. She texts back that they’re all set but if I want to bring food for myself I can. Immediate ping. I’m thinking so I can bring something but it’s not to be shared at the meal. It’s only for me? I’m hoping I can diffuse some of these reactions before I go. But I guess it’s just a dinner. Maybe my best plan is an exit at a time that’s good for me instead of staying til I’m allowed to go.
I get this comment every dinner. WTH
@ lol well I guess I can’t apply normal rules to abnormal relationships. I can be polite but the response seems to be that I’m expected to be polite but they don’t have to. But I’ll do it anyway knowing the truth.
Don't go...respect yourself❤
I don’t eat meat, so Thanksgiving is always a lovely fellowship opportunity, not a high expectation food day. However, no one has ever suggested to bring something just for me. That would feel isolating, like an ambush. I definitely would not know how to respond to that.
@ thank you. I’m glad you have a nice holiday. I’m just figuring it out now. Like a science project lol. The invite is sort of compulsory, so it’s not like they have to reach far to call me (sort of a Hoover) then I act like an adult and offer to bring a dish or chip’s etc. then sis turns me down flat but with a kind word. They’ve systematically taken away my contributions so that I’m not allowed to move basically. I used to make the pumpkin pies but when I got my own chickens they wouldn’t eat the pie anymore. So now my sis does all the cooking. Guess I get out of all of it. I am not to so much as take a morsel of meat off the bird unless it’s ready to serve. Last year I was hungry and they throw a lot away. So I snitched a little piece of Turkey off the stripped bone and my sister didn’t miss it. She threw that whole thing right in the trash. I can’t go for snacks on my own. I have to ask and then she goes to the fridge with me and takes everything out and watches. When i offered to bring something and then she was able to debase me a bit, then she wanted to chat by text. (Enter soothing)
Listening to this b4 my family all arrives, funny, thought l was beyond the anxiety of being with my family, but finding l'm getting anxious. Ugh So listening as a reminder to just be me, be at peace, and relax. I'm in a good place and not going to let them affect me in a negative way. NO reactions!! I'm determined to be at peace today. If gets to be too much, l will hide in my room for a bit, meditate. It'll be ok! Good luck today everyone with narcissist families. ❤ Happy Thanksgiving! 😊
No empathy means you're not human
Sadly not so. Many ppl have no empathy and function alarmingly well as human beings. Many run multinational companies, many are high up in the legal profession. Truly horrible but facing reality is powerful
You forgot presidents!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and wiadom Jerry.
How do you know who your "true" self is when you do things and think based on what your experiences are and have been based on the narcissistic abuse you have endured all your life.
Yes true you dont have a self other than to be their supply. You have to take a deep look 🎉
Spending more time away from family and exploring your interests
HAPPY BELATED THANKSGIVING!
Happy holidays!
Jerry, thank you for this video. Touching on the religious aspect is really super helpful because when God’s Word is manipulated to spiritually abuse on top of the emotional abuse when you have your own personal relationship with Jesus helped to cover this sub-area on the greater topic
Jerry, you have helped so many people along your journey. I hope you feel whole and self differentiated now. May God Almighty continue to heal you, bless you, and use your experiences to guide others on a similar journey to self differentiation.
Thank you so much for your videos, and I plan to take your course in a couple of months when I get through some sticky situations. This is the first year I will be spending the holidays completely away from family. Had a great Friendsgiving and looking forward to not having to feel shame, guilt, or my experience ignored this year! I hope once I do more healing, I will reach a safe psychological standpoint to reengage with family, but right now, I'm just doing me. Thanks again! 😊
🔥 Jerry, thank you. Your messages have been so helpful for me on my healing journey 🫶🏻
Thank you -excellent advice and the section on FEELINGS was very helpful!
I love how you talk to us. Happy Thanksgiving!!
Happy holidays!
Fantastic video from someone who truly understands 🙏
I'm now 52 and menopausal,, this is a thing no one wants to talk about,, I'm lonely depressed, suicidal,,, how the hell can I spend Xmas with my narsassist family when I'm as an open wound, so vulnerable, I know I'll cry all day but they don't understand how hard this change is,,, it's about time our middle aged menopausal mothers, sisters and daughters are going through because I've never felt so bad in my life,,, I am getting help but absolutely can not deal with an unsupportive family this year so stay alone? I'll cry all day anyway,, we need to talk about this Gerry 😢
Staying alone may be the most loving thing you can do for yourself while you are so vulnerable. Sending love + energy x
Maybe you could spend the holidays with friends who can relate instead of family. In my area, there are some Facebook groups for singles over 40 and some for women only. If you don't have a lot of friends, maybe something like that could help? ❤
@@Irishmammy281
My previous comment is gone... I can't see it. Maybe you received it in your email notifications? Maybe it is visible in the "recent comments" section? I don't know. Hope it will be visible somewhere for you.
I add another possible "choice online".
If you like this type of channel and if you like the person hosting the livestream, just check: Jimmy Akin, in the Live section. He usually does a long special livestream the Christmas Day. It's a Christian channel and I have suggested it to you because I noticed that you are Irish. Hope it is ok for you.
How about spending the day in nature..enjoying the simplicity and beauty of the foliage, animals, smells and sounds of life on earth?❤
My friend from a premier Narc family took herself to Nepenthes Big Sur every Christmas. Camp out in a van overnight, enjoy the stars. Treat yourself WELL to what you love
I am most happy to say, that everything in your video Jerry, sums up my journey so far and your videos, especially the self differentiation to begin with, really has worked for me. Dear Jerry, I listened to you, and I started my process of self differentiation firstly through physical distancing which gave me the space to learn to be comfortable with disappointing others which in turn, helped reinforce the need for me to put my Self first and find my core wounds, and by gaining insight into those through self differentiation, I am more loving to my self and others, even if they do not understand, what I am doing is being loving to them, that's ok. I am so grateful to you and all that you do. There are no short cuts to this inner work, you can do all the assertive training etc but it only work if you are comfortable in your self/love your self first. thankyou I hope I can continue my journey to becoming a better self. I have the awareness and started to put into action, it not easy but nothing worth doing is ever easy. Thankyou so much Jerry, you are so Wise!!!🥰
You are the best of the best! Self differentiation is key ❤ Happy Thanksgiving!
You are a jewel 💎 in this world Jerry, I can't thank you enough 🙏
Thank you Jerry ✌
Thanks for this. This has been the pep talk I needed. I've been a bit lost recently after a rather melodramatic series of events and struggling to come to terms with the situation and move forward due to self-doubt. You've reminded me of the many self-learned tools and strategies I've employed through my own healing and growth. Your closing words are powerful. Time for me to move forward again...
...I wish I knew about you a year ago. Thank you Mr. Wise.
Great stuff Jerry!
Excellent video with incredibly valuable information. Thank you 🙏🏻
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you sooo much!
Jerry, this has an excellent capsule of the range of personal life experiences that makes us ....us.
saving lives. ty
Thank you for your videos, holidays are not easy to manage
Thanks Jerry. This really helped a lot ❤
THANK 💜 YOU JERRY!💯
Thank you. Extremally helping video. I am feeling quite strong changes inside Just white listening to it (after watching many of your videis before).
You are so welcome
Thanks Jerry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have helped me so much. I wasn't looking for a video on this topic but I thought I would watch for you.
Glad I could help!
Wonderful video Jerry! Contains real gems 😊❤ Thank-you.
1)Trying to suck you back in to where you were; 2) just leave a hole; 3) or adapt around you.
I suppose with me they will "adapt", but not around me, without me. That is quite sad. But like you said, being truthful to myself is the first thing I never got to have.
Thank you, Mr. Wise ❣️ and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
Excellent video 🙏🏼
Very smart
I think baby boomers have found their champion in Jerry. 👍
Gen X, too.
I'm 63... and narc mother died.. so siblings discarded me, before I could discard them. sister stole my inheritance through manipulating the attorney. I feel it's too late at my age. never got married and had my own family because was narc Mom's caretaker because I didn't deserve to have my own family. I didn't deserve to be loved since I was not human, only a "thing" to be used then stuck on the shelf until useful again. 😢
Sir not only parents.... teachers too, doctors too... full of narcisism and pride... teachers critisize children, wanna change parents. When you go to the doctors, this bags of vip-s would only heal with amoksiclav. We don't expect healing from a doctor's visit. Althow deep down we do, otherwise we wouldn't go there. Neighbours are disgusting too, most of them are not close to human. I mean, i am screaming inside, i hate it all so much. The whole system. I was dropped on a wrong planet. At the same time i am just thinking how fucked up my life is, how it would be nice to never wake up again and i am worrying about daughter's future ( money, what kind of experiences will she have with men , and the system, when she is from the lowest class. And at the same time, i think i can't help her. I am getting old. There are no normal jobs for me, and i am sick. In body and mind....
I think accepting myself and having self awareness of my position in the family is easiest as an adult outside of the family home. It would have been impossible to heal and cope inside the lion's den growing up in that environment
Thank you so much this is really helpful ,I follow you from Algeria 🇩🇿please pray for me to leave safely the toxic house soon ! Its hard in "conservative country that it society worship Parent's especially mother's and treats them as saints! But i can do it ! I will!
I'm rooting for you.
@katehampstead6024 thank you❤️
This is the first point therapists should point out to their patients…they are not responsible for their salvation but their self differentiation. Freeing them from the saviour role and the triangulation this traps people in, including the therapist.
Just found these and alot of them hit close to home. Alot of titles to go through are there any Titles regarding Cyclical Nature of this, maybe gentic aspects or learned behaviors. I know my parents and grandparents are narsasists; ive also been accused and would like tips on breaking the cycle.
I recommend joining my free training. You can find the link in the description of this video. Thank you for watching
Precious❤
Hi Jerry thanks a lot for your awesome work! I have a question, my narc mom is now trying to guilt trip me because i went very minimum contact/grey rock with her. She claims I never "share anything" anymore, while she never does, that i never reach out "like before". She abandonned me after having a major surgery while pregnant, i gave birth alone, i did everything ALONE as if i grew up in a shelter... and now she apparently wants to pick up where we left 2 years ago.. logically it is clear what to do, but emotionally it is a torment still..