My philosophy on age gaps is that the older you get, the acceptable gap gets wider. 10 years between an 18 and 28 year old is huge but its practically nothing if a 40 year old and a 50 year old start dating
Exactly, at ages 40 and 50 you kinda know who you are and there’s usually not any more big revelations or life stages to go through. But between the ages of 18 and 28 you go through a lot that shapes who you are. I’m 26 and I’m a VASTLY different person from who I was at 18, and I think it can cause a lot of friction in relationships where one person is still going through these big life altering stages and the other is not. Especially if the older person clings onto how their partner was when they first met and won’t let them grow. Whenever I see anyone interested in someone way younger I can’t help but think they’ve decided to date someone that young BECAUSE they’re still impressionable and can be manipulated into being the “perfect partner”
It's true I'm 25 and my bf is 36 big enough age gap but acceptable, at first my brother's found it weird but then I threw all their age gap relationships in their faces and they just came to terms with it now they couldn't care less and just get to know him have a laugh and stuff (also long distance) he lives in America I'm in UK
@@karinalumen9722 why do you feel that? I've noticed myself that my bf doesn't stop me doing anything and he loves doing almost everything that I do as well, he's just happy being with me and doesn't fuss about what we do as long as we're spending time together, i don't know if that's a rare thing or something but I like to game and so does he, I like movies he likes similar movies I've introduced to sooo many things he'd never seen nor tried and he's older than I am he's honestly the best partner I could of ever asked for in life
obv it’s not all about age, but i agree with you. i’m still young (won’t tell you how young) but i’m mostly attracted to an older person, but i know my place and i know that this kind of relationship at this age is really inappropriate to have. that’s why i’m not rushing anything and waiting till i’m older and wiser to even have to date anyone. cuz tbh either younger, same age, or older people they’re all the same if you met the wrong one regardless of age.
Story #2 if someone told me that they started dating someone inappropriate when they turned 18, knowing they had a different relationship before hand. Sorry, there’s no chance I’m gonna sit there and believe that everything was perfectly platonic until their 18th birthday
It’s something that is so disgusting. Like when I see people say ‘oh they waited until I was 18’ yes that wasn’t for your sake, it was so the groomer doesn’t get in trouble…it’s not sweet!! Argh
It probably not and I feel the same about the 19 year old and 38 year old in the first story. Neither are romantic and scream red flags especially towards these older men.
No one on this podcast EVER sounds dumb! You all articulate very well and Alejandra in particular often has view points that make me stop and really think a moment about all sides of the issue. You guys are great!
Yes, I love Alejandra. She always comes with a different perspective, that I typically agree with. She is able to see things from all sides and that’s important, I think. It’s good that they can disagree sometimes, in a healthy way.
I’m in a 12 year age gap and literally never think about it 👀 only time it sucks is when we make references to nostalgic music/tv cause he was literally 27 when I was 15 like that’s fucking weird lmao
Lauren you do not sound dumb. I always emotionally approach these podcasts as friends hanging out and talking in a safe space. It’s not an audition for who’s the biggest thinker or a platform where you need to feel uncomfortable speaking your unfiltered thoughts. I love hearing you guys talk and think you bring very wise counsel regardless of the occasional mispronunciation (or different pronunciation bc of you’re background) lol. Ultimately, you guys prove to be empathetic people with very thoughtful opinions, so don’t feel like you have to prove your smarts to a reviewer who might not know the first thing about how difficult it is to be an entertainer. Love you guys and this podcast!!!! ❤️
My best friend was 24 when she met het husband and he was 46 at the time. When i heard this i thought it was weird, i tjought he was weird for wanting to date someone 20 years his junior. But when i met him thst weird feeling and prejudice faded within 5 minutes. It became obvious right away that those two were made for each other. They have been married for 2 years after dating for 5 years and they are the happiest couple i've ever met, i hope that someday i'll have someone like that in my live as well 😁
I have always been uncomfortable with big age gaps. I had a VERY innocent, very young cherub looking friend who had just turned 18 and hadn't even held a boy's hand yet. We shared a room at this place we did this gap year at where there was tons of people from all over the world all who were a bit older and more 'wordly'. She constantly had attention from the guys and was pursued by four main ones. Their ages were 24, 28, 36 and 30. I was a few years older and very protective as she was a month younger than my little sister. Anyway, I wouldn't hide how creepy I thought all these guys were but I was made to be the evil, judgemental friend who was dropped. She rejected all these guys except the last one who was 30 and the other guys did NOT react well. One broke her laptop as revenge...
That fifth story is something I've seen a few times. Age gaps in homosexual relationships, I think, are a bit more common and a bit more equal. The younger usually gains from the experience and support. And the older is usually healed by the acceptance and empathy. It's pretty common to have the older as someone who was closeted who struggled with acceptance and identity, which is tough for everyone but even more so for LGBT+ youth. I've actually been wondering about this dynamic a lot lately because as cultures become more accepting I wonder if the number of age gap relationships will decline.
i would be interested to find out if they came out at a similar time. not a similar age, but like both came out 5 years ago or something. i think for queer people, since a lot of maturing and experience can happen after you come out, it would lessen the impact of an age gap. i could be totally off but i would be interested to find out
@@leo9597 from what I remember in the 2 relationships I'm more familiar with the olders were both out before they met the younger ones. One of them, "Bill", was out for 10 years. In the second one, "Steve", was out for 1 year. Edit: it was 10 and 1 year with respect to their partner. At this point all 4 have been out a minimum of 12 years.
gay/lesbian age gap relationships also seem to generally have less power imbalance issues too (obv not always the case but...) and at least part of the reason due to being the same gender and no trad gender roles applying
I recently moved to a new city so I don't have many friends, and when you add a pandemic I don't really have an opportunity to even try making new friends. I love watching you guys cause it feels like i'm just hanging out with some girlfriends. Thanks for being so warm and inviting! I love all the topics you guys discuss!
My parents have a 22 year age gap and are still married for more than 25 years. They met when she was mid 20's. Both had previous relationships that didn't work out. Sometimes you can't choose who you fall in love with.
@@alexandrafinnegan8343 I got alot of teasing for it as a child, but I learnt to live with it. Some people didn't understand and make weird remarks, which I ignored over the years. Now society has changed their thinking or somewhat. My parents are still going strong.
My fiance and I are getting married in 14 days, we have a 16 year age gap. (He is older) We meet as adults, developed the relationship as adults, and make joint decisions as equals. He is the kindest most loving person I have ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with, and the past 2 years have been amazing together (Even with the world issues) I have had to defend the relationship over and over again. "he is the same age as your uncle, how are you okay with that?" It's exhausting. I really appreciate that you grew in this podcast. From being fairly against age gaps to seeing when/when they are not appropriate.
Sounds like you have an amazing relationship! So lucky to have each other. Congrats and have so much fun at your wedding/ceremony!! And yes I think there’s so many factors but I’m on board as long and the dynamics are good 😊
I feel bad for the girl in the first story but I still don’t agree with the age gap in that situation. It is INCREDIBLY weird to me that someone at 38 would be dating someone that is still a TEENAGER (literally double her age) and cannot legally even drink yet. If she were even 27 and he 46 I would think of it differently. She was still a teenager and it’s still weird.
Whether you feel weird about their relationship is neither here nor there. The issue is people feeling uncomfortable about a situation they are not in does not justify abuse and discrimination. No other relationship would make people feel so justified in being openly disrespectful.
@@elisecox8785 it’s often legitimately damaging to the younger person, even if they don’t realize the extent of it until they’re older. Perpetuating this as no biggie is a disservice to those lacking the life experience to view the situation clearly.
@@mads597 The Age-IPV Curve: Changes in Intimate Partner Violence Perpetration during Adolescence and Young Adulthood "To present results parsimoniously, we group age into four categories covering four years each. For male youth, IPV perpetration increased from 13% at 13-16 years to 19% at 17-20 years. This is followed by subsequent decreases at 21-24 years (15%) and 25-28 years (10%). [...] The age pattern for general antisocial behavior displayed a curvilinear pattern similar to the one for IPV perpetration among adolescent boys and young men increasing slightly from 30% at 13-16 years to 33% at 17-20 years followed by decreases at 21-24 years (25%) and 25-28 years (18%)." But tell me again how its the creepy old men we have to worry about.
@womenbythedashboardlight6959 Did your partner change your diapers? I mean, its pretty obvious that in the first story they started doing something when she was barely legal. Look, personally I think age gap relationships can work pretty well (if that's what you want, go ahead!:)) but you can't deny the problems that comes with it, and sometimes it involves grooming and even more manipulation
there's a couple here on UA-cam that I'm subscribed to, and thy have a significant age gap. but they have such comforting and wholesome content and you can tell they both truly love each other. their relationship definitely made me think about age gaps differently.
Currently finishing my bachelor of science. I'll be 40 when I graduate. The young lady with the older boyfriend who expects her to spend $2500 a month at 22, no career yet? No Sir! She should run.😊
The first one grosses me out. I don't like that his family is trying to demonize her when obviously the one in the wrong here is him. It doesn't matter if she was legally an adult when they met, she was 19 and that is still really young and can be easily influenced. I think people need to stop thinking that once someone is 18 they can't be groomed. 20 is such a young age and I do think she's a victim whether she notices it or not. Why is he going after 19 year olds?
Righttt!?! I can't fathom what they can have in common. Yes, i can understand that they might enjoy same things, but like they have sooooo big differences in their experiences. He has worked for about 20years and she graduated from highschool a few years prior, and she probably is in university/college. He probably has a lot of money and she doesn't. It feels like there is some sort of power imbalance in their relationship. Even if they love each other deeply, they still aren't on the same level IMO💁 i dont mind age gaps when both of them are on the same level but this relationship feels a litttle iffy for me. Like, why is he so attracted to such a young person? It's normal for young people to like older people but the other way around...yikesss😬😅 i feel like the family is also in the wrong for harassing her for the relationship
the fact that its a 19 year age gap and they started dating when she was 19 is so--just--bleh to me. like the age gap is equal to her age at the beginning of the relationship. that's a year out of college--the fact that his family is blaming her is insane to me
People need to stop thinking you can't be "groomed" by someone your own age. Every abuse, manipulative relationship I've ever witnessed or been part of his been between people of similar age ranges. Every. Single. One. The only two older women I was ever involved with were as dumb as rocks and could run intellectual circles around them, and the only manipulating was done by me. Being older than someone only marginally increases your ability to manipulate them. On the other hands, your chances of actually being abuse are drastically higher if you're younger. Research shows men 17 - 20 are twice as likely to hit their partners as those 25 - 28.
My boyfriend and I have a 12 year age gap. I’m 25 and he’s 37, and I don’t even see our age gap anymore. We get along very well, we share the same morals and I love his outlook on life. There are things that we don’t get to share such as music and pop culture/movie references but we share things with each other that benefit the both of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way 🥰
i currently am thinking a lot about this topic and went back to this episode. i always dated older than me from a young age. my gaps were 14&17, 20&30, 22&35. Even briefly dating someone 40 when i was 18. Now at 26 my partner is 34. With time those gaps definetly are less significant and noticeable than before, but i just also never could imagine having a relationship with someone 18-22 now, just because there's still so many life changes until someone is fully secure in their adulthood. 25+ i see this a bit more relaxed.
You have grown up and can finally see things for what they truly were. At 26 you can't imagine being with someone 18-22 so imagine how you'll feel about it at 30, 35 and 40... Being 26 with a 34 year old partner is completely fine. But your other relationships were not fine and they took advantage of your immaturity and lack of life experience.
My partner and I were 21 and 36 when we started dating. Love each other dearly. Its been over 12 years and we share a beautiful daughter and son on the way. ❤ I asked him on our first date and don’t regret 1 thing
My ex-stepmom’s relative babysat us (starting at 4) and was a part of our lives. When I turned 18 he told me “I always knew you would be an independent woman like this.” Then proceeded to try to pay me to date him.
My best friends parents ( who kinda helped raise me) were around 20 years apart. They got together when the mother was about 18 and he was in his mid 30s. He supported her doing anything she wanted, encouraged her to go to school, do a job she liked etc. They were a loving and caring couple Who were together for 34 years when he died from cancer. She never regretted being with him and he was not and authoritative kind of guy but cared and wanted her to do what was best for her.
I’m in an age gap relationship, he is 16 years my senior. I am almost 32 and he is 47, it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. While it’s still new, it’s been fun, communicative and loving. It has changed my views on how I can be treated forever. The only age gap ones that are alarming is when there is grooming and abuse or control involved.
2nd story: I'm also a mother as a product of being groomed. I was 17 when the "relationship" started and he was my 37 year old boss. I for pregnant 3 months after my 18th birthday. My daughter is now 4 and he has 0 rights to her. I hate that one day ill have to explain to her that her biological dad was a creep.
How was he a creep? 16 is the age of consent in most states, and most parts of the world. You were 17 and you made a decision. Deal with it. Stop blaming others for the regret you have. You could have said no, gotten an abortion, or just used protection.
You made a bad decision and blame your age. If you were 18, there's a 99% chance you would have done the same thing. People get manipulated into bad decisions by people close to their age all the time, they just don't blame the age gap when it happens.
I’ve literally binge watched this pod like a Netflix show. I LOVE it…been suggesting it to everyone lol. It’s so nice to see someone in the same stage of life on a podcast and discussing things…. Can’t wait to see more eps! So sad I’m already all the way through them.
I'm in a 9/10 year age gap I have a late birthday (now 30) and he has an early birthday (now 40) with my boyfriend. He was a teenage dad. We just just welcomed our first grandchild about a month ago. I couldn't be more proud of my "unusual" family.
The way I see it is as long as the 2 people met as legal adults than go for it. People who date in their age range aren’t exempt from power imbalances and manipulation.
As a student of psychology/neurology, I wanna give my two-cents on each story. To start for all of them, I think how big the age gap is matters less than the stages of development each person is in. From a scientific perspective, major brain development starts as a child and continues on into late adulthood. *Most* major brain development in the decision-making part of the brain is done by the age of 18, but not all of it is done until about the age of 23-25 depending and major brain development in general is done at around 30. This matters a lot and it's why a relationship between a 10 and 30 year old shouldn't be weighed the same as a relationship between a 30 and 50 year old. In my eyes, if you're gonna be in a relationship with an age gap you should hold off until you're both in a more equal stage of development, and don't let the older know that's what you're doing to prevent grooming. 30+ is obviously where stuff isn't so problematic anymore but I'd say 23-25+ is the bare minimum since that's the stage you can at least grasp the choice you're making. Based on that, this is my two-cents on the situations: Story 1 - 19-Year Age Gap: Absolutely unacceptable power imbalance Where in god's name was a 19-year-old meeting men twice her age. I hate that this was posted on r/AgeGaps because that comment section is an echo chamber. That family is %100 right to call him out, though I wish the MIL had been nicer to the girl since she's clearly been groomed. Story 2 - Distressed Father: Bad right from the start and only got worse with every word. He raised her as a *baby*. Grooming was 100% involved here. I feel so bad for the position this dad is in and he's right that cutting his daughter off might make her more susceptible for this grooming. I have no idea what I'd do, but I'd wanna skin that man. Story 3- Splitting rent: Not only is this power imbalance obviously problematic but the update on the post just proves that even further. The boyfriend not only didn't consider what she could afford before choosing a place to live but he said "You're family can pay this" not "You can pay this". The fact he switched up and offered an allowance made the subtle problems overt. He never saw her as an autonomous adult, he saw her as a sugar baby he wasn't formally paying yet and therefore did not have her best interest at heart. Story 4 - AITA for Icing My Cousin: This is not a problematic power difference. She was 25 when they met and they've been together for a few years. She's almost 30 and there hasn't been many bumps in the road, not to mention the older partner was conscientious of the age gap to begin with. The cousin also clearly has no regard for boundaries and this just seems like another step in that direction. The fact it's a wlw relationship doesn't really matter, but the fact the cousin brought up the butch/femme dynamic also shows they have no idea what butch/femme dynamic is and just sees it as a "diet heterosexual" dynamic. All around, OP is not the asshole. Story 5 - Married and Unacknowledged: This one is pretty gross. 19 and 35 are totally unacceptable ages to be dating like that. They may have met in a similar class, but one of them is just getting into collage while the other is going for a PhD, it's not the same. Weather the couple is same-sex or not doesn't really have a baring on morality, but it is notable that this is Europe and he mentions his partner helping him "step into" his sexuality. This is an echo of pederasty and is a bit of a problem amongst queer youth all over the world, but especially in Europe (think the movie "Call Me by Your Name"), making them more susceptible to grooming. The fact they decided to separate themselves from the family rather than getting cut off is a sign this could be abusive (his partner may be separating him from any nay-sayers, especially ones who've supported him through abusive situations before) and I hope he starts to realize this isn't healthy. Yes he's 26, but he's been with this man the whole time and grooming is a powerful influence. Story 6 - AskReddit Comment: Okay so I don't think this situation is okay by any means. Not only is this boy 20 but he never even learned how old this mother was. I don't know if it's necessarily as bad at the other situations (like the first story) only because it's not a long-term relationship that could have manipulation and grooming involved and the two clearly just wanted to have sex, but the gap is still at least questionable considering what stage he was in. It's one of those situations where I'd say to him "It's fine if you're okay with that situation because it didn't go badly, but I'd advise you not do that again". What's important is that he doesn't seem traumatized or hurt from it. I'm open to other opinions if you disagree, but my stances are primarily based in scientific research and psychological dynamic so I don't think I'll be too easily swayed unless the counterpoint is more about acknowledgement of nuance or involves some other kinds of research I haven't seen yet (the latter I'm very open to, people with good psychological research please interact!). Edit: Spelling/Formatting
Did not find the first story worrying at all. You do not know the maturity level of this person, so for you as a psychology Student to make baseless assumptions without knowing the parties involved is wowing in a bad way.
@@melli1377 but isn't is weird that a 19 and 39 year old have the same maturity level??? they SHOULDN'T be at the same level or place in life at those ages, she is still a child, a teen, and he should be a fully grown man who isn't looking at teenagers as potential romantic partners
@@melli1377 First of all, I actually do know a thing or two about normal maturity level considering I explained how that works in the first paragraph. Her decision making brain is not done developing at that stage and all his major brain development is. Second, if either of these parties involved have an unusual maturity level, either she would know this is weird and not have done it or this man in his 40s is stuck in the mentality of a teenager which is MUCH more concerning and he needs Psychological help before settling down to marry anyone.
@@Muton230 Exactly this. Someone being more or less mature just based off a vibe is not how it works. Either this is concerning for the obvious reasons or it's concerning because one or both of these parties has some sort of mental illness/brain damage.
Omg 50/50 is not fair if one person earns significantly more! When i pursued my master’s degree my BF finished as an engineer and started earning a wage. He chose an expensive apartment (i was living abroad) and i flat out told him i was not able to go 50/50 on that. So we setup a system where all the shared expenses were paid based on our incomes compared to each other. It turned out to be a 20/80 split. Pretty fair. Then we could have a good life without living by the lowest denominator 🤷♀️ We continued this practice even after marrying, so the person earning more still had more after expenses.
I met my husband at 19 when he was 27/28…I pursued him!! He didn’t give me the time of day for a little while as he was apprehensive about our age gap 😂 but I was persistent. We dated for 2 years (one of them long distance) before we moved in together and another year and a half before we got engaged. He is absolutely my best friend and I often forget about our age gap. 6 years together, going on 7! It truly depends on maturity level…not saying my husband is immature, rather I had to grow up very quickly.
As for the second story: I think it is ok that he expects her to contribute financially, but not 50/50. He has a higher income and standard of living than she does, so either they go by her means in choosing accommodation, or they settle it by percentages. For example, if she has a monthly budget of 2500 and he has 25000, then they each contribute xy% of their income to the mutual fund.
I'm in a age gap relationship - my girlfriend is 25 and I'm 31 - and at first, it really made me feel anxious and weird. I love her a lot, and I was always afraid I was taking advantage of her. But the fact of the matter is, we've not even been together for 2 years yet, and I met her when she was a mature adult, and is DEFINITELY capable of making her own choices and I think that's the important thing. If there isn't any manipulation/if neither party is taking advantage of the other, then it's fine.
My thing with age gaps is I'm more focused on the stage of life. At most you should be in one stage of life difference. Starting high school vs leaving high school isn't as big a deal as starting high school vs starting college. Leaving college vs starting your first job after college isn't that big a deal, starting college vs buying your first house is a big deal.
Why does a grown up, 40 year old man, need to date a teen? That's the actual question. Even if she's "mature" and has gone through a lot. He has some issues
True. A grown adult going for a teen is predatory. Age gaps are fine if the younger one is over 20. I am 36 and my girlfriend is 22 and we have a very healthy relationship
@@lostecho5318 So at 18 a 65 year old man can send you to war, and you can choose him as leader of the free world, but you can't go to bed with him? Just stop. All this nonsense about being predatory is just our excuse to vilify people for being gross and creepy. Parents can't even control their 15 year old daughters. No way you can have Jedi mind control powers over someone just because they're a teenager and you're 30.
About prenups, everyone has one - it’s your state law. Whether you view marriage as a contract or not, it is. You have legal and fiduciary obligations to your partner. If you review your state law and decide you’re ok with how assets would be divided then don’t write a prenup, but if you don’t like how it would go then you should get an attorney to draft one. My bf and I have been very open about what we will want in our prenup (we’ve been together 4 years). It’s not that you don’t trust your partner right now, obviously we trust who we are today but we cannot trust that our future self who has decided to break up and is very emotional/ hurt will be making level headed decisions. There’s a saying, the best prenup is one you never need.
I don't necessarily think a "power imbalance" is inherently a bad thing. Just if it's used in the relationship. For instance, two 23 year olds can have the same power imbalance as what was described. One can still be in school, still living with their parents, very unestablished while the other could be moved into their own place, done with college, and in a very good job.
I know this is a very old episode but I will say for the 50/50 bills it should be proportional. My fiancé makes a lot more than me, and therefore pays way more towards bills. We discussed upfront what bills we would each pay and stick to it. As long as there’s open discussion and agreement on things then there shouldn’t be a problem
Marriage literally is a contract. It was never invented for love & romance. Prenups are just being prepared for the worst while you're in a good mood. It's not like you have to pull it out for every anniversary, just file & forget it.
The mortgage discussion half way through - you’re already paying someone else’s mortgage when you’re renting so contributing towards your partners mortgage is no different in my eyes
My Grandma and Grandpa have a 15+ age gap. They met when they immigrated to the U.S, and where in their later years. Got married and have been together since. Almost 30 years strong today.
My parents have a 20 year age gap, my father was 43 and she was 23, got married, had a healthy 25 years of marriage before he passed away. My mom had an amazing father who loved and cherished her. (No “daddy issues”). This kind of love exists, its valid and normal.
My parents are 20yrs apart - married at 25 and 45. Although my dad was older there wasn’t a power imbalance. HOWEVER, I personally think it’s messed up to have kids in an age gap relationship. My dad was 56 when I was born, now 78. I understand that life isn’t guaranteed, but in my case I know for a fact he won’t be alive much longer due to age. I think it’s selfish to put children through that. Without children in the picture I don’t have a problem with age gaps.
Why? We all die at some point.... I agree with that you know yourself better and might be able to handle a loss of your parents at an older age, but if they had a fulfilling life... We can only do but celebrate it.
@@Lighthousegamer It has nothing to do with handling loss; It has everything to do with 20yr olds handling senior care. Not only will he not be around for major moments in my life, but I don’t get to enjoy my own youth. Parents should take care of their own children but having them very late in life often leads to the opposite prematurely. Again, unexpected loss brings enough hardship, but expected loss? a whole different thing.
i totally agree and i’m so sorry you are dealing with this. i don’t think that having kids somewhat later is awful, but if you’re guaranteed to be elderly before they turn 25 then pls don’t have kids. it’s not fair to put them thru that. ofc life isn’t guaranteed to everyone, and anyone could have to deal with the loss of a parent, but it’s not fair to make it inevitable to them that they will not have their parents around for long.
@@charlenev7356 It does. You just explained it. I myself am not in your position, but friends of mine are and they don't share your perspective at all. That's actually where I got the perspective from that I wrote about.
I have never been into this kinda thing but I just adore the way both your mind work. So I could not help but follow along on your adventure. I love what you guys are doing and look forward to each episode. Also do not worth about the math, I can't math on the spot either.
My 1st husband and I had a HUGE age gap. We started dating when I was 17 (the age of consent in NY). He was 56 (39 years older than myself). We got married exactly 2 weeks after I turned 19, he was 58. (I was born in April of 1986, he was born in March of 1947. He retired from the air force in October of 1986.). By the time we divorced, we were together for 10 years. My current husband and I are 15 months apart. He was born in January of 1985. In February, we'll be together 11 years. My 1st husband and I are still good friends. I never really thought anything about it until I was in my 30's.
First story: How is everyone attacking HER and not ATTACKING HIM?!?!?! You're a 41 grown ass man why you shooting your shot at a 19-20 year old. "We were friends" HOW
EXACTLY!! The question should be why he would be interested in a 20 year old. Can't he get someone his own age? Age gaps like that with someone so young always boils down to sexual attraction because they might as well be living on different planets when it comes to life experience and maturity.
@@sarasvensson6026He definitely can get someone his own age, but why does he need to? You ladies will say “love is love”, when it comes to two men dating, but for adult age gaps now it’s a problem? There’s also the funny implication that dating someone with different life experiences or maturity is inherently wrong, as if that doesn’t vary for literally every adult on the planet. There are loser 50 year olds and mature 20 year olds.
@@Jay-qu2bc There are no mature 20 year olds. Yes there are 20 year olds who have been through a lot and have had to take care of themselves at an earlier age than most but they are still 5 years away from their brains being fully developed. Just because we have decided by law that an 18 year old is a legal adult doesn't make that TEENAGER mentally mature in actuality. The way you're talking is very telling. You must be someone older who wants to date a mentally immature woman and you're trying to justify it. I can't believe you compared age gap relationships where one person is mentally immature to gay couples... the same thing applies when it's a same sex couple btw, if one man is 20 and the other man is 45 that is messed up.
@@sarasvensson6026 If 20 year olds (and people in general) are just children until they turn 25, then why do we let them do things like drink, drive, vote, move out, own property and enlist in the military? Sounds pretty irresponsible to trust immature people with these rights. Also, I compared gay couples and age gap couples, since the argument against both always boils down to “it’s wrong because it makes me uncomfortable”. Like we can say “20 year olds are immature”, but my question would be “by what metric?”
My husband are three years apart but when we met he worked and made really good money while I was studying at university and had no income (i only had a student credit for university). So the balance was off you might think. But he shared his money with me and said there will be a time where I also will pay stuff. I will never be able to pay as much as him because I will always get paid less than him. But at least we both work in jobs we like (I will love my job).
This has given a new perspective - my parents have a 12 year age gap, with my dad senior to my mum. They met when my mum was 18 and my dad 30 and I wonder how they’d have reacted if I entered a similar relationship. My mum was just out of college and my dad had recently been divorced. Anyways, they’re still happily married with me and my sister now grown up. My mum definitely wears the trousers mind 🤣🤣
I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 31 and I met him at a bar and became friends with his whole group and a year later we got together, some people think the gap is odd but honestly we work perfectly together and are on the same wave length with a lot of views. I agree that a gap doesn’t matter if you two just work as long as both parties are adults
i'm 18 and hes 27, he had met me once before I was 18, but it was just a hi and a goodbye, there was no interest then. Our relationship is really healthy, and i really don't feel any power imbalances. But then again, i am young and maybe I'm missing something. Everyone in my life things we are great together, my parents are involved enough to make sure it doesn't get toxic. i think our age gap is fine
The point of issue for an age gap is when the older partner has a monetary and/or experiential/intellectual advantage that they can and do leverage against the younger. There are plenty of stories of that kind of thing happening and it makes people wary.
Y'all are so interesting to listen to, I love your dynamic so much and I'm super impressed that y'all are so new to this. Keep it up, I'm stoked to see what else y'all discuss
Consider seeing prenups as the rules you'd use IF you divorce. The state already has rules that you sign off to when you get married. Write in your own terms when you're happy and in good communication, just in case you ever experience something that could change that and make a painful thing even more painful.
I never thought I’d say it but I’m in a 10 yr age gap situationship and it’s changed my view on dating older guys. I was always weirded out by couples with huge age gaps and I still definitely draw the line at the other person being old enough to have been my parent lol. I’m 25 and my current partner is 35 and so far it’s all been going really smooth. He’s really mature and good at communicating so even if we come upon a conflict we both handle it calmly and with mutual respect, which is very refreshing after my previous relationship🤡 He settles me down and I bring up the playful side in him and the more we get to know each other the more we talk and honestly have a lot in common.It might as well be the personality thing and it might not apply to all guys but, coming from someone who was completely heartbroken by some immature a55hole who shut me down constantly over a period of months and got me on emotional and mental rollercoaster cause it was too hard for him to just try talk things out- also seeing my friends deal with heartbreak over very similar a55holes- sometimes the guys our age, simply aren’t mature enough, at least not in the emotional aspect. So after getting your heart broken by some kid, maybe try getting with someone older. A mature, respectful and experienced partner might be just what you need.
Def do an episode on prenups I think they’re a good thing they protect both parties. You should look at the lady who wrote Legally Blonde and why she’s pro prenup. I think you just need to make sure you get yourself a Gloria Allred-esq lawyer who will get you your fair share in the prenup.😂
When I was 19 and first started dating my husband who was 27 I didn't understand why people were uncomfortable with the age gap. But now that I'm 27 I could never imagine dating a 19-year-old. I was so immature not in a bad way just in a 19-year-old way 😂.
So that really begs the question as to why someone who is 27 would want to date a 19 year old. You yourself admitted looking at your age now, you cant imagine being with someone so much younger at your current age. This just is not an attack on your husband btw. Just curious
@@msgirly6827 Yeah I'm not defending it, I find it bizarre now as well. I don't think he was trying to be creepy that's just kind of how things work where I live. Girls getting married at 19/20 and guys not wanting to settle down until 30/35. It's very common here.
I am 36 my partner is 44 only a month separates our birthday. We have been together for 4 years on the 17th. We are equal and works for us. It can work. I am also older then my age
so you were 32 and he was 40 when you started dating. That's not a power imbalance at all, unless you were financially struggling and he used money to coerce. you were a full fledged adult! probably with a growing career and healthy finances. You're not older than your age, you're an adult and were an adult when you met. full stop.
1:01:33 I went through a very similar thing when my husband and I finally decided to get married after 8 years of dating- not because of an age gap though. I had never thought too much about how many in my family didn’t “approve” of us until it came to writing invitations and I realized how many I would have wanted to invite, but would actually have a chance of RSVPing no. It gave me a big perspective change.
I’m in a 7 year age gap. Met when I was 17, got married when I was 19 and I’m now 23 and honestly our relationship has only gotten better and better. I get it that some people don’t get it. I respect it. But I’m also in the lower side as age gaps go I guess!
Me and my boyfriend have a 7 year age gap and I always feel like people judge us! Weird to think it’s on the “lower side” 😂 congrats to you guys having an amazing relationship!! :)
I don’t think that prenups should be looked at as anticipating a divorce. Rather, protecting the things that you’ve worked hard for. You can’t anticipate the future so it’s more like insurance than anything. You can always change it as you go to expire after a certain number of years.
Third story is FULLY reasonable! They’re not married, he doesn’t owe her anything. If you cannot afford to live alone, then you don’t. Finances stay separate until you’re married. Just tell him you cannot afford it, and get your own place that is cheaper. Simple. And the fact that he earns that much more and he wants to live nicely, means they’re not compatible. Different stages in life, like Morgan said at the start of
The one about the rent situation with the 500k a year. I'm 50/50 on that. Like yes I believe that partners should be equally responsible for all adulting things like bills. But at the same time. While one partner is bettering themselves in school and not receiving any income, they should be able to lean on each other until they are done with school and making a reasonable income. Also. I just found yalls podcast a couple days ago via recommend from Ladies and Tangents. They have good taste. I'm really enjoying these. They make me think and keep my mind active and occupied. Thank you this premium content.
I can't remember where I first heard this but I follow the "Rule of Creepy" when it comes to age gaps Take your age, divide by two, add 8. So I'm 26: 26/2=13, 13+8=21. If there's a decimal, round up. ie. 31/2=15.5 so round to 16 and add 8. So a 31 year old ideally shouldn't date younger than 24. However, its not a hard rule. Circumstances matter a ton. Morgan's spot on with the imbalance of power. For example, I had a teacher in highschool, I was 18, she was 20-ish. (I was older than many seniors cause I was born after the cutoff for kindergarten and she was younger than many teachers cause she graduated early) So the age difference was barely anything, but it would've been wildly inappropriate for us to have a relationship because she held some power over me as teacher to student (to my dismay as I had a huge crush on her :c ...) But two people who had a meet cute at a coffee shop that happen to have a 10 year age difference is a totally different story as there's no pre-established power dynamic. Granted, my parents have a 9 year age difference and back in my home state age of consent is 16, so I feel like I'm more open to age gaps cause I'm more used to it. Emotional maturity also plays a huge role, and in my opinion is just as important as physical maturity. A 22 year old could potentially have their whole life together with a stable job and living arrangement while another 22 year old is emotionally constipated and still has a ton of growing to do. This contrast of emotional maturity can frequently result in imbalances of power developing as the relationship progresses, through insecurities, abusive tendencies, etc. even though they're the same age. I present to kids about internet safety and I remember this one freshman tried to pick a fight with me about the age of consent where I live currently (18). He kept asking me why they chose that age and I'll be honest I have no clue. It doesn't make sense to me either. Our prefrontal cortexes don't finish developing until our mid 20s, we can't drink until 21, but we can consent to an act that potentially results in another life at 16 in 31 states, 17 in 8, and 18 in 11? His line of thinking was he wanted it younger, cause hormonal teenager but tbh I think 18's too young. But there's no good way to pinpoint when age of consent across all humans in my opinion. Humans are weird lil creatures and I super do not envy law makers.
I was 28 last year and I had my first relationship with a 53 yo man!! I mean it was different but It was awesome for me because I felt no pressure at all and we had a lot of fun together!!
My court ordered child support is 189.00 for 2 children in Louisiana. My kids are 12 and 9. That’s a total shit price and wouldn’t even cover my monthly gas for my car. He doesn’t pay it anyway
As someone who just went through a divorce and never thought I would, get a prenup. If you have assets, get a prenup. With divorce rates being higher than marriages that last it only makes sense. It’s like having insurance on a house. Sure, your not planning on using it, and you hope you never have to, but if a hurricane comes (Floridian here) then you’ll be damn happy you did!
When people find out my parents are 13 years apart and started dating when my mom was 18….and he was technically her “boss” at her summer job. They weren’t seriously dating until she was 21, they got married when she was 21 and he was 34. They had me the next year. They’re still married, 27 years later.
Hi! I love yalls podcast and was wondering if you could make a podcast or video explaining how to start and run a podcast? I'm trying to start one and was gonna say that your podcast and one other is what really got me interested in doing one!
Maybe it's just a cultural difference, but that whole financial discussion is so strange to me. If you're committed to being together, then does it matter who is paying what? I grew up learning that the husband and wife's money/property is one and the same. In that vein, I convinced my hubby to let me pay off his student loans because I had the funds to do that. He is now the bread winner while I take care of our child until she and her future siblings are older. It's much less stressful that way and it doesn't make a difference at the end of the day.
I just want to say that my 91 year old great grandfather just married a 60 year old woman... my grandmother being around 70. His now wife was also his caretaker, which ended before they married
I have SO much to say about this episode, but first...I just wanna point out that I, too, am 6 mo older than my current bf & he also teases that I'm a cougar.😂 Also, my aunt & uncle were 20yrs apart. They divorced bc she still wanted to live life & he wanted to rest. The youngest age gap for me was when I was 36 & dating a 24yo. 🤦🏽♀️ That was stupid & I quickly realized that we had nothing in common. Oldest age gap, I was 30 & he was 53. He was so sweet, but also an alcoholic who drank a few beers & fell asleep whether it's daytime or night.
honestly my take is that it really depends on the person and situation. im 18 engaged to a 30 year old. i was living on my own fully supporting myself for years and 2 years out of school and into a career plus all over just always been alot more mature than the average 18 year old (due to lots and lots of trauma if we’re being honest haha). i was looking for marriage and kids when we met. my family and friends love her and same with her family and friends towards me. no one who knows us has ever viewed our relationship as weird or predatory. were both at the same place in life as weird as it may sound to some so theirs no power dynamics between us. we both make relatively the same amount of money, we both want the same things and just connect in the most amazing way. we just recently bought a home together as well. my family’s response to her was “well you always liked them older lmao” and every conversation since with them ends in can you just marry her already 🤣 our ages never really ever come up to be honest and tbh most of the time i forget shes older. when we first met she thought i was in my early/mid 20s and i thought she was like 23 lol. it just really depends if the situation had been different if i had been still in school or not supporting my own i would completely agree that a relationship should not have happened but with where were both at i and those close to us agree theirs nothing wrong with our relationship and tbh its the healthiest and happiest relationship either of us have ever had!
Story 3 I agree! After I had been in an abusive relationship my family was super weary of me getting into another one. My now husband and I got in a fight when we were still dating over something that really was my fault and really dumb. He went to my house and cried to my mom and told her all his concerns and that’s when my family was like ok he loves her and truly has her best interest at heart. No age gap here lol we are only a year apart
God, this entire episode just makes me think of the creepy neighbor down the road from my parents. Knew us since i was around 5, next sister like 8. He has since propositioned two of my sisters. Plus my mom 😭
i think y’all are both smart, and i know i’m not like famous or anything big but i’d loveeee to do this type of stuff it’s so much more fun to talk about your opinions on certain things and give advice to people who need it.
If that last person’s kid is 5 or 6, I think the statute of limitations for statutory r*pe is 10 years so she could very well get him arrested still. It’s not like they need any more evidence than the kid.
Timestamps:
Story 1: 3:21
Story 2: 13:13
Story 3: 26:52
Story 4: 44:08
Story 5: 56:12
Story 6: 1:06:00
Thankyou
youre a saint thank you
Thank you 🙏
Tysm
I hope you have lovely days always
My philosophy on age gaps is that the older you get, the acceptable gap gets wider. 10 years between an 18 and 28 year old is huge but its practically nothing if a 40 year old and a 50 year old start dating
Exactly, at ages 40 and 50 you kinda know who you are and there’s usually not any more big revelations or life stages to go through. But between the ages of 18 and 28 you go through a lot that shapes who you are. I’m 26 and I’m a VASTLY different person from who I was at 18, and I think it can cause a lot of friction in relationships where one person is still going through these big life altering stages and the other is not. Especially if the older person clings onto how their partner was when they first met and won’t let them grow.
Whenever I see anyone interested in someone way younger I can’t help but think they’ve decided to date someone that young BECAUSE they’re still impressionable and can be manipulated into being the “perfect partner”
It's true I'm 25 and my bf is 36 big enough age gap but acceptable, at first my brother's found it weird but then I threw all their age gap relationships in their faces and they just came to terms with it now they couldn't care less and just get to know him have a laugh and stuff (also long distance) he lives in America I'm in UK
@@oppositepuppy i feel like the mid 20 with mid 30 age gap is the one people that want to mold the younger one into an “ideal” spouse happens.
@@karinalumen9722 why do you feel that? I've noticed myself that my bf doesn't stop me doing anything and he loves doing almost everything that I do as well, he's just happy being with me and doesn't fuss about what we do as long as we're spending time together, i don't know if that's a rare thing or something but I like to game and so does he, I like movies he likes similar movies I've introduced to sooo many things he'd never seen nor tried and he's older than I am he's honestly the best partner I could of ever asked for in life
obv it’s not all about age, but i agree with you. i’m still young (won’t tell you how young) but i’m mostly attracted to an older person, but i know my place and i know that this kind of relationship at this age is really inappropriate to have. that’s why i’m not rushing anything and waiting till i’m older and wiser to even have to date anyone. cuz tbh either younger, same age, or older people they’re all the same if you met the wrong one regardless of age.
Story #2 if someone told me that they started dating someone inappropriate when they turned 18, knowing they had a different relationship before hand. Sorry, there’s no chance I’m gonna sit there and believe that everything was perfectly platonic until their 18th birthday
Yeah, it’s very likely that things started before she was of age, and they lied about it to her parents to make the relationship seem more acceptable
It’s something that is so disgusting. Like when I see people say ‘oh they waited until I was 18’ yes that wasn’t for your sake, it was so the groomer doesn’t get in trouble…it’s not sweet!! Argh
Yeah, 100% agree. Definitely some grooming
Exactly what I was thinking. They for sure lied about when it started and he literally changed her diapers im infuriated
It probably not and I feel the same about the 19 year old and 38 year old in the first story. Neither are romantic and scream red flags especially towards these older men.
No one on this podcast EVER sounds dumb! You all articulate very well and Alejandra in particular often has view points that make me stop and really think a moment about all sides of the issue. You guys are great!
Thank youuu. We were stressing for a minute 😂
Yes, I love Alejandra. She always comes with a different perspective, that I typically agree with. She is able to see things from all sides and that’s important, I think. It’s good that they can disagree sometimes, in a healthy way.
I’m in a 12 year age gap and literally never think about it 👀 only time it sucks is when we make references to nostalgic music/tv cause he was literally 27 when I was 15 like that’s fucking weird lmao
Lol 😂 after this episode I’m like “if you met at an appropriate age, and it works/y’all are happy, then get ittt”
Ok but like ew he was graduating high school when you were in kindergarten
I only have a 4 year age gap and even then I can have that same nostalgia problem 😂
Omg my husband just got upset with me about saying the grade I was in when a song came out. He is only 5 years older.
😂 we have a 26 year age gap and hardly ever have cultural reference issues
Congrats on all the success Morgan. Discovered the podcast on tiktok & I absolutely can’t get enough, you guys are great!
Thank you so much ❤️ so sweet of you. I’m so happy you’re loving it!!
Lauren you do not sound dumb. I always emotionally approach these podcasts as friends hanging out and talking in a safe space. It’s not an audition for who’s the biggest thinker or a platform where you need to feel uncomfortable speaking your unfiltered thoughts. I love hearing you guys talk and think you bring very wise counsel regardless of the occasional mispronunciation (or different pronunciation bc of you’re background) lol. Ultimately, you guys prove to be empathetic people with very thoughtful opinions, so don’t feel like you have to prove your smarts to a reviewer who might not know the first thing about how difficult it is to be an entertainer. Love you guys and this podcast!!!! ❤️
My best friend was 24 when she met het husband and he was 46 at the time. When i heard this i thought it was weird, i tjought he was weird for wanting to date someone 20 years his junior. But when i met him thst weird feeling and prejudice faded within 5 minutes. It became obvious right away that those two were made for each other. They have been married for 2 years after dating for 5 years and they are the happiest couple i've ever met, i hope that someday i'll have someone like that in my live as well 😁
I have always been uncomfortable with big age gaps. I had a VERY innocent, very young cherub looking friend who had just turned 18 and hadn't even held a boy's hand yet. We shared a room at this place we did this gap year at where there was tons of people from all over the world all who were a bit older and more 'wordly'. She constantly had attention from the guys and was pursued by four main ones. Their ages were 24, 28, 36 and 30. I was a few years older and very protective as she was a month younger than my little sister. Anyway, I wouldn't hide how creepy I thought all these guys were but I was made to be the evil, judgemental friend who was dropped. She rejected all these guys except the last one who was 30 and the other guys did NOT react well. One broke her laptop as revenge...
That fifth story is something I've seen a few times. Age gaps in homosexual relationships, I think, are a bit more common and a bit more equal. The younger usually gains from the experience and support. And the older is usually healed by the acceptance and empathy. It's pretty common to have the older as someone who was closeted who struggled with acceptance and identity, which is tough for everyone but even more so for LGBT+ youth. I've actually been wondering about this dynamic a lot lately because as cultures become more accepting I wonder if the number of age gap relationships will decline.
This is so interesting to think about... I have a few gay family members and one has a significant age gap and your point really fits with her case.!
i would be interested to find out if they came out at a similar time. not a similar age, but like both came out 5 years ago or something. i think for queer people, since a lot of maturing and experience can happen after you come out, it would lessen the impact of an age gap. i could be totally off but i would be interested to find out
@@leo9597 from what I remember in the 2 relationships I'm more familiar with the olders were both out before they met the younger ones. One of them, "Bill", was out for 10 years. In the second one, "Steve", was out for 1 year.
Edit: it was 10 and 1 year with respect to their partner. At this point all 4 have been out a minimum of 12 years.
gay/lesbian age gap relationships also seem to generally have less power imbalance issues too (obv not always the case but...) and at least part of the reason due to being the same gender and no trad gender roles applying
L
I recently moved to a new city so I don't have many friends, and when you add a pandemic I don't really have an opportunity to even try making new friends. I love watching you guys cause it feels like i'm just hanging out with some girlfriends. Thanks for being so warm and inviting! I love all the topics you guys discuss!
My parents have a 22 year age gap and are still married for more than 25 years. They met when she was mid 20's. Both had previous relationships that didn't work out. Sometimes you can't choose who you fall in love with.
Is it hard for you? Just curious.
@@alexandrafinnegan8343 I got alot of teasing for it as a child, but I learnt to live with it. Some people didn't understand and make weird remarks, which I ignored over the years. Now society has changed their thinking or somewhat. My parents are still going strong.
My fiance and I are getting married in 14 days, we have a 16 year age gap. (He is older) We meet as adults, developed the relationship as adults, and make joint decisions as equals. He is the kindest most loving person I have ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with, and the past 2 years have been amazing together (Even with the world issues) I have had to defend the relationship over and over again. "he is the same age as your uncle, how are you okay with that?" It's exhausting.
I really appreciate that you grew in this podcast. From being fairly against age gaps to seeing when/when they are not appropriate.
Sounds like you have an amazing relationship! So lucky to have each other. Congrats and have so much fun at your wedding/ceremony!!
And yes I think there’s so many factors but I’m on board as long and the dynamics are good 😊
19:05 Those texts went from dry af to wtf 😂
I feel bad for the girl in the first story but I still don’t agree with the age gap in that situation. It is INCREDIBLY weird to me that someone at 38 would be dating someone that is still a TEENAGER (literally double her age) and cannot legally even drink yet. If she were even 27 and he 46 I would think of it differently. She was still a teenager and it’s still weird.
Whether you feel weird about their relationship is neither here nor there. The issue is people feeling uncomfortable about a situation they are not in does not justify abuse and discrimination. No other relationship would make people feel so justified in being openly disrespectful.
@@elisecox8785 it’s often legitimately damaging to the younger person, even if they don’t realize the extent of it until they’re older. Perpetuating this as no biggie is a disservice to those lacking the life experience to view the situation clearly.
@@mads597 I’m in an 18 year relationship age gap. Are you saying that I am being traumatized because the girl I asked out is older than me?
@@mads597 The Age-IPV Curve: Changes in Intimate Partner Violence Perpetration during Adolescence and Young Adulthood
"To present results parsimoniously, we group age into four categories covering four years each. For male youth, IPV perpetration increased from 13% at 13-16 years to 19% at 17-20 years. This is followed by subsequent decreases at 21-24 years (15%) and 25-28 years (10%). [...] The age pattern for general antisocial behavior displayed a curvilinear pattern similar to the one for IPV perpetration among adolescent boys and young men increasing slightly from 30% at 13-16 years to 33% at 17-20 years followed by decreases at 21-24 years (25%) and 25-28 years (18%)."
But tell me again how its the creepy old men we have to worry about.
@womenbythedashboardlight6959 Did your partner change your diapers? I mean, its pretty obvious that in the first story they started doing something when she was barely legal.
Look, personally I think age gap relationships can work pretty well (if that's what you want, go ahead!:)) but you can't deny the problems that comes with it, and sometimes it involves grooming and even more manipulation
I am an engineer and good at math, but will still get out a calculator because my head sometimes just says "no math today".
there's a couple here on UA-cam that I'm subscribed to, and thy have a significant age gap. but they have such comforting and wholesome content and you can tell they both truly love each other. their relationship definitely made me think about age gaps differently.
Currently finishing my bachelor of science. I'll be 40 when I graduate. The young lady with the older boyfriend who expects her to spend $2500 a month at 22, no career yet? No Sir! She should run.😊
The first one grosses me out. I don't like that his family is trying to demonize her when obviously the one in the wrong here is him. It doesn't matter if she was legally an adult when they met, she was 19 and that is still really young and can be easily influenced. I think people need to stop thinking that once someone is 18 they can't be groomed. 20 is such a young age and I do think she's a victim whether she notices it or not. Why is he going after 19 year olds?
Righttt!?! I can't fathom what they can have in common. Yes, i can understand that they might enjoy same things, but like they have sooooo big differences in their experiences. He has worked for about 20years and she graduated from highschool a few years prior, and she probably is in university/college. He probably has a lot of money and she doesn't. It feels like there is some sort of power imbalance in their relationship. Even if they love each other deeply, they still aren't on the same level IMO💁 i dont mind age gaps when both of them are on the same level but this relationship feels a litttle iffy for me. Like, why is he so attracted to such a young person? It's normal for young people to like older people but the other way around...yikesss😬😅 i feel like the family is also in the wrong for harassing her for the relationship
the fact that its a 19 year age gap and they started dating when she was 19 is so--just--bleh to me. like the age gap is equal to her age at the beginning of the relationship. that's a year out of college--the fact that his family is blaming her is insane to me
People need to stop thinking you can't be "groomed" by someone your own age. Every abuse, manipulative relationship I've ever witnessed or been part of his been between people of similar age ranges. Every. Single. One. The only two older women I was ever involved with were as dumb as rocks and could run intellectual circles around them, and the only manipulating was done by me.
Being older than someone only marginally increases your ability to manipulate them. On the other hands, your chances of actually being abuse are drastically higher if you're younger. Research shows men 17 - 20 are twice as likely to hit their partners as those 25 - 28.
My boyfriend and I have a 12 year age gap. I’m 25 and he’s 37, and I don’t even see our age gap anymore. We get along very well, we share the same morals and I love his outlook on life. There are things that we don’t get to share such as music and pop culture/movie references but we share things with each other that benefit the both of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way 🥰
i currently am thinking a lot about this topic and went back to this episode.
i always dated older than me from a young age. my gaps were 14&17, 20&30, 22&35.
Even briefly dating someone 40 when i was 18.
Now at 26 my partner is 34.
With time those gaps definetly are less significant and noticeable than before,
but i just also never could imagine having a relationship with someone 18-22 now, just because there's still so many life changes until someone is fully secure in their adulthood.
25+ i see this a bit more relaxed.
You have grown up and can finally see things for what they truly were. At 26 you can't imagine being with someone 18-22 so imagine how you'll feel about it at 30, 35 and 40...
Being 26 with a 34 year old partner is completely fine. But your other relationships were not fine and they took advantage of your immaturity and lack of life experience.
I’ve binged all your podcasts and now I keep up 🤣 they’re so funny and relatable and I always find myself agreeing with you guys!
My partner and I were 21 and 36 when we started dating. Love each other dearly. Its been over 12 years and we share a beautiful daughter and son on the way. ❤ I asked him on our first date and don’t regret 1 thing
My ex-stepmom’s relative babysat us (starting at 4) and was a part of our lives. When I turned 18 he told me “I always knew you would be an independent woman like this.” Then proceeded to try to pay me to date him.
My best friends parents ( who kinda helped raise me) were around 20 years apart. They got together when the mother was about 18 and he was in his mid 30s. He supported her doing anything she wanted, encouraged her to go to school, do a job she liked etc. They were a loving and caring couple Who were together for 34 years when he died from cancer. She never regretted being with him and he was not and authoritative kind of guy but cared and wanted her to do what was best for her.
I’m in an age gap relationship, he is 16 years my senior. I am almost 32 and he is 47, it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. While it’s still new, it’s been fun, communicative and loving. It has changed my views on how I can be treated forever. The only age gap ones that are alarming is when there is grooming and abuse or control involved.
2nd story: I'm also a mother as a product of being groomed. I was 17 when the "relationship" started and he was my 37 year old boss. I for pregnant 3 months after my 18th birthday. My daughter is now 4 and he has 0 rights to her. I hate that one day ill have to explain to her that her biological dad was a creep.
How was he a creep? 16 is the age of consent in most states, and most parts of the world. You were 17 and you made a decision. Deal with it. Stop blaming others for the regret you have. You could have said no, gotten an abortion, or just used protection.
You made a bad decision and blame your age. If you were 18, there's a 99% chance you would have done the same thing. People get manipulated into bad decisions by people close to their age all the time, they just don't blame the age gap when it happens.
I’ve literally binge watched this pod like a Netflix show. I LOVE it…been suggesting it to everyone lol. It’s so nice to see someone in the same stage of life on a podcast and discussing things…. Can’t wait to see more eps! So sad I’m already all the way through them.
I hope this gig pays off too! I love this -- can't get enough.
I'm in a 9/10 year age gap I have a late birthday (now 30) and he has an early birthday (now 40) with my boyfriend. He was a teenage dad. We just just welcomed our first grandchild about a month ago. I couldn't be more proud of my "unusual" family.
The way I see it is as long as the 2 people met as legal adults than go for it. People who date in their age range aren’t exempt from power imbalances and manipulation.
As a student of psychology/neurology, I wanna give my two-cents on each story.
To start for all of them, I think how big the age gap is matters less than the stages of development each person is in. From a scientific perspective, major brain development starts as a child and continues on into late adulthood. *Most* major brain development in the decision-making part of the brain is done by the age of 18, but not all of it is done until about the age of 23-25 depending and major brain development in general is done at around 30. This matters a lot and it's why a relationship between a 10 and 30 year old shouldn't be weighed the same as a relationship between a 30 and 50 year old.
In my eyes, if you're gonna be in a relationship with an age gap you should hold off until you're both in a more equal stage of development, and don't let the older know that's what you're doing to prevent grooming. 30+ is obviously where stuff isn't so problematic anymore but I'd say 23-25+ is the bare minimum since that's the stage you can at least grasp the choice you're making.
Based on that, this is my two-cents on the situations:
Story 1 - 19-Year Age Gap: Absolutely unacceptable power imbalance Where in god's name was a 19-year-old meeting men twice her age. I hate that this was posted on r/AgeGaps because that comment section is an echo chamber. That family is %100 right to call him out, though I wish the MIL had been nicer to the girl since she's clearly been groomed.
Story 2 - Distressed Father: Bad right from the start and only got worse with every word. He raised her as a *baby*. Grooming was 100% involved here. I feel so bad for the position this dad is in and he's right that cutting his daughter off might make her more susceptible for this grooming. I have no idea what I'd do, but I'd wanna skin that man.
Story 3- Splitting rent: Not only is this power imbalance obviously problematic but the update on the post just proves that even further. The boyfriend not only didn't consider what she could afford before choosing a place to live but he said "You're family can pay this" not "You can pay this". The fact he switched up and offered an allowance made the subtle problems overt. He never saw her as an autonomous adult, he saw her as a sugar baby he wasn't formally paying yet and therefore did not have her best interest at heart.
Story 4 - AITA for Icing My Cousin: This is not a problematic power difference. She was 25 when they met and they've been together for a few years. She's almost 30 and there hasn't been many bumps in the road, not to mention the older partner was conscientious of the age gap to begin with. The cousin also clearly has no regard for boundaries and this just seems like another step in that direction. The fact it's a wlw relationship doesn't really matter, but the fact the cousin brought up the butch/femme dynamic also shows they have no idea what butch/femme dynamic is and just sees it as a "diet heterosexual" dynamic. All around, OP is not the asshole.
Story 5 - Married and Unacknowledged: This one is pretty gross. 19 and 35 are totally unacceptable ages to be dating like that. They may have met in a similar class, but one of them is just getting into collage while the other is going for a PhD, it's not the same. Weather the couple is same-sex or not doesn't really have a baring on morality, but it is notable that this is Europe and he mentions his partner helping him "step into" his sexuality. This is an echo of pederasty and is a bit of a problem amongst queer youth all over the world, but especially in Europe (think the movie "Call Me by Your Name"), making them more susceptible to grooming. The fact they decided to separate themselves from the family rather than getting cut off is a sign this could be abusive (his partner may be separating him from any nay-sayers, especially ones who've supported him through abusive situations before) and I hope he starts to realize this isn't healthy. Yes he's 26, but he's been with this man the whole time and grooming is a powerful influence.
Story 6 - AskReddit Comment: Okay so I don't think this situation is okay by any means. Not only is this boy 20 but he never even learned how old this mother was. I don't know if it's necessarily as bad at the other situations (like the first story) only because it's not a long-term relationship that could have manipulation and grooming involved and the two clearly just wanted to have sex, but the gap is still at least questionable considering what stage he was in. It's one of those situations where I'd say to him "It's fine if you're okay with that situation because it didn't go badly, but I'd advise you not do that again". What's important is that he doesn't seem traumatized or hurt from it.
I'm open to other opinions if you disagree, but my stances are primarily based in scientific research and psychological dynamic so I don't think I'll be too easily swayed unless the counterpoint is more about acknowledgement of nuance or involves some other kinds of research I haven't seen yet (the latter I'm very open to, people with good psychological research please interact!).
Edit: Spelling/Formatting
Did not find the first story worrying at all. You do not know the maturity level of this person, so for you as a psychology Student to make baseless assumptions without knowing the parties involved is wowing in a bad way.
@@melli1377 but isn't is weird that a 19 and 39 year old have the same maturity level??? they SHOULDN'T be at the same level or place in life at those ages, she is still a child, a teen, and he should be a fully grown man who isn't looking at teenagers as potential romantic partners
Agreed with all of your assesment on the different presented cases.
@@melli1377 First of all, I actually do know a thing or two about normal maturity level considering I explained how that works in the first paragraph. Her decision making brain is not done developing at that stage and all his major brain development is.
Second, if either of these parties involved have an unusual maturity level, either she would know this is weird and not have done it or this man in his 40s is stuck in the mentality of a teenager which is MUCH more concerning and he needs Psychological help before settling down to marry anyone.
@@Muton230 Exactly this. Someone being more or less mature just based off a vibe is not how it works. Either this is concerning for the obvious reasons or it's concerning because one or both of these parties has some sort of mental illness/brain damage.
Love you girls so happy I found you through tiktok! This is definitely my favorite podcast to listen while working 😊
Omg 50/50 is not fair if one person earns significantly more!
When i pursued my master’s degree my BF finished as an engineer and started earning a wage. He chose an expensive apartment (i was living abroad) and i flat out told him i was not able to go 50/50 on that. So we setup a system where all the shared expenses were paid based on our incomes compared to each other. It turned out to be a 20/80 split. Pretty fair. Then we could have a good life without living by the lowest denominator 🤷♀️
We continued this practice even after marrying, so the person earning more still had more after expenses.
I met my husband at 19 when he was 27/28…I pursued him!! He didn’t give me the time of day for a little while as he was apprehensive about our age gap 😂 but I was persistent. We dated for 2 years (one of them long distance) before we moved in together and another year and a half before we got engaged. He is absolutely my best friend and I often forget about our age gap. 6 years together, going on 7! It truly depends on maturity level…not saying my husband is immature, rather I had to grow up very quickly.
“I’m not dumb!” sent me 🤣🤣🤣
As for the second story: I think it is ok that he expects her to contribute financially, but not 50/50. He has a higher income and standard of living than she does, so either they go by her means in choosing accommodation, or they settle it by percentages. For example, if she has a monthly budget of 2500 and he has 25000, then they each contribute xy% of their income to the mutual fund.
I'm in a age gap relationship - my girlfriend is 25 and I'm 31 - and at first, it really made me feel anxious and weird. I love her a lot, and I was always afraid I was taking advantage of her. But the fact of the matter is, we've not even been together for 2 years yet, and I met her when she was a mature adult, and is DEFINITELY capable of making her own choices and I think that's the important thing. If there isn't any manipulation/if neither party is taking advantage of the other, then it's fine.
My thing with age gaps is I'm more focused on the stage of life. At most you should be in one stage of life difference. Starting high school vs leaving high school isn't as big a deal as starting high school vs starting college. Leaving college vs starting your first job after college isn't that big a deal, starting college vs buying your first house is a big deal.
Why does a grown up, 40 year old man, need to date a teen? That's the actual question. Even if she's "mature" and has gone through a lot. He has some issues
True. A grown adult going for a teen is predatory. Age gaps are fine if the younger one is over 20. I am 36 and my girlfriend is 22 and we have a very healthy relationship
@@lostecho5318 So at 18 a 65 year old man can send you to war, and you can choose him as leader of the free world, but you can't go to bed with him?
Just stop. All this nonsense about being predatory is just our excuse to vilify people for being gross and creepy. Parents can't even control their 15 year old daughters. No way you can have Jedi mind control powers over someone just because they're a teenager and you're 30.
About prenups, everyone has one - it’s your state law. Whether you view marriage as a contract or not, it is. You have legal and fiduciary obligations to your partner. If you review your state law and decide you’re ok with how assets would be divided then don’t write a prenup, but if you don’t like how it would go then you should get an attorney to draft one. My bf and I have been very open about what we will want in our prenup (we’ve been together 4 years). It’s not that you don’t trust your partner right now, obviously we trust who we are today but we cannot trust that our future self who has decided to break up and is very emotional/ hurt will be making level headed decisions. There’s a saying, the best prenup is one you never need.
I don't necessarily think a "power imbalance" is inherently a bad thing. Just if it's used in the relationship. For instance, two 23 year olds can have the same power imbalance as what was described. One can still be in school, still living with their parents, very unestablished while the other could be moved into their own place, done with college, and in a very good job.
I know this is a very old episode but I will say for the 50/50 bills it should be proportional. My fiancé makes a lot more than me, and therefore pays way more towards bills. We discussed upfront what bills we would each pay and stick to it. As long as there’s open discussion and agreement on things then there shouldn’t be a problem
I love this channel. Can’t wait for more content. Also I love the phrase “meeting of the minds”.
NO, THANK YOU!!!! this podcast is so wonderful, I love beimg able to listen to down to earth realists like ya'll!
Fellow MN OT here- when you said you felt like you got Catfished into grad-school, I felt that. 🤍
Love listening to you and your guests!
Marriage literally is a contract. It was never invented for love & romance. Prenups are just being prepared for the worst while you're in a good mood. It's not like you have to pull it out for every anniversary, just file & forget it.
Had an ex who was very vocal about his mommy issues and that should have been the first red flag 😓
You would hate my relationship then: I was 17 when i met my husband and he was 34. We have been together for almost 18 years with 2 sons.
The mortgage discussion half way through - you’re already paying someone else’s mortgage when you’re renting so contributing towards your partners mortgage is no different in my eyes
I recently saw this tiktok, which is about a 22 yr old girl dating a 40 yr old man, they met when she was 18 and they got married like howwwww???????
Is this the one where he was her softball coach and as soon as she went to college they connected?!?!
You know what is funny, i have seen so a few of these tiktok so at this point I wouldnt even know which one you are refering too 🤣
Morgan, I got my MSW at USC so I totally feel you on student Debt. it is going w/ me to the grave
You don’t sound dumb you sound relatable.
My Grandma and Grandpa have a 15+ age gap. They met when they immigrated to the U.S, and where in their later years. Got married and have been together since. Almost 30 years strong today.
Mrs Robinson is from The Graduate...it's quite old but very famous
Stories like these make me glad to be just a month apart from my husband
My parents have a 20 year age gap, my father was 43 and she was 23, got married, had a healthy 25 years of marriage before he passed away. My mom had an amazing father who loved and cherished her. (No “daddy issues”). This kind of love exists, its valid and normal.
Also my mom was a stay at home wife/mom and my dad provided. No “unequal powerpositions” but two partners who worked together on their home and family
My parents are 20yrs apart - married at 25 and 45. Although my dad was older there wasn’t a power imbalance. HOWEVER, I personally think it’s messed up to have kids in an age gap relationship. My dad was 56 when I was born, now 78. I understand that life isn’t guaranteed, but in my case I know for a fact he won’t be alive much longer due to age. I think it’s selfish to put children through that. Without children in the picture I don’t have a problem with age gaps.
Why? We all die at some point.... I agree with that you know yourself better and might be able to handle a loss of your parents at an older age, but if they had a fulfilling life... We can only do but celebrate it.
@@Lighthousegamer It has nothing to do with handling loss; It has everything to do with 20yr olds handling senior care. Not only will he not be around for major moments in my life, but I don’t get to enjoy my own youth. Parents should take care of their own children but having them very late in life often leads to the opposite prematurely. Again, unexpected loss brings enough hardship, but expected loss? a whole different thing.
i totally agree and i’m so sorry you are dealing with this. i don’t think that having kids somewhat later is awful, but if you’re guaranteed to be elderly before they turn 25 then pls don’t have kids. it’s not fair to put them thru that. ofc life isn’t guaranteed to everyone, and anyone could have to deal with the loss of a parent, but it’s not fair to make it inevitable to them that they will not have their parents around for long.
@@Lighthousegamer This is very lalaland perspective
@@charlenev7356 It does. You just explained it. I myself am not in your position, but friends of mine are and they don't share your perspective at all. That's actually where I got the perspective from that I wrote about.
I have never been into this kinda thing but I just adore the way both your mind work. So I could not help but follow along on your adventure. I love what you guys are doing and look forward to each episode. Also do not worth about the math, I can't math on the spot either.
My 1st husband and I had a HUGE age gap.
We started dating when I was 17 (the age of consent in NY). He was 56 (39 years older than myself). We got married exactly 2 weeks after I turned 19, he was 58. (I was born in April of 1986, he was born in March of 1947. He retired from the air force in October of 1986.).
By the time we divorced, we were together for 10 years.
My current husband and I are 15 months apart. He was born in January of 1985. In February, we'll be together 11 years.
My 1st husband and I are still good friends. I never really thought anything about it until I was in my 30's.
😄 That's one lucky grandpa
First story: How is everyone attacking HER and not ATTACKING HIM?!?!?! You're a 41 grown ass man why you shooting your shot at a 19-20 year old. "We were friends" HOW
EXACTLY!! The question should be why he would be interested in a 20 year old. Can't he get someone his own age? Age gaps like that with someone so young always boils down to sexual attraction because they might as well be living on different planets when it comes to life experience and maturity.
@@sarasvensson6026He definitely can get someone his own age, but why does he need to? You ladies will say “love is love”, when it comes to two men dating, but for adult age gaps now it’s a problem?
There’s also the funny implication that dating someone with different life experiences or maturity is inherently wrong, as if that doesn’t vary for literally every adult on the planet. There are loser 50 year olds and mature 20 year olds.
@@Jay-qu2bc There are no mature 20 year olds. Yes there are 20 year olds who have been through a lot and have had to take care of themselves at an earlier age than most but they are still 5 years away from their brains being fully developed. Just because we have decided by law that an 18 year old is a legal adult doesn't make that TEENAGER mentally mature in actuality.
The way you're talking is very telling. You must be someone older who wants to date a mentally immature woman and you're trying to justify it. I can't believe you compared age gap relationships where one person is mentally immature to gay couples... the same thing applies when it's a same sex couple btw, if one man is 20 and the other man is 45 that is messed up.
@@sarasvensson6026 If 20 year olds (and people in general) are just children until they turn 25, then why do we let them do things like drink, drive, vote, move out, own property and enlist in the military? Sounds pretty irresponsible to trust immature people with these rights.
Also, I compared gay couples and age gap couples, since the argument against both always boils down to “it’s wrong because it makes me uncomfortable”. Like we can say “20 year olds are immature”, but my question would be “by what metric?”
My husband are three years apart but when we met he worked and made really good money while I was studying at university and had no income (i only had a student credit for university). So the balance was off you might think. But he shared his money with me and said there will be a time where I also will pay stuff. I will never be able to pay as much as him because I will always get paid less than him. But at least we both work in jobs we like (I will love my job).
This has given a new perspective - my parents have a 12 year age gap, with my dad senior to my mum. They met when my mum was 18 and my dad 30 and I wonder how they’d have reacted if I entered a similar relationship. My mum was just out of college and my dad had recently been divorced. Anyways, they’re still happily married with me and my sister now grown up. My mum definitely wears the trousers mind 🤣🤣
I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 31 and I met him at a bar and became friends with his whole group and a year later we got together, some people think the gap is odd but honestly we work perfectly together and are on the same wave length with a lot of views. I agree that a gap doesn’t matter if you two just work as long as both parties are adults
i'm 18 and hes 27, he had met me once before I was 18, but it was just a hi and a goodbye, there was no interest then. Our relationship is really healthy, and i really don't feel any power imbalances. But then again, i am young and maybe I'm missing something. Everyone in my life things we are great together, my parents are involved enough to make sure it doesn't get toxic. i think our age gap is fine
The point of issue for an age gap is when the older partner has a monetary and/or
experiential/intellectual advantage that they can and do leverage against the younger. There are plenty of stories of that kind of thing happening and it makes people wary.
Y'all are so interesting to listen to, I love your dynamic so much and I'm super impressed that y'all are so new to this. Keep it up, I'm stoked to see what else y'all discuss
Consider seeing prenups as the rules you'd use IF you divorce. The state already has rules that you sign off to when you get married. Write in your own terms when you're happy and in good communication, just in case you ever experience something that could change that and make a painful thing even more painful.
I never thought I’d say it but I’m in a 10 yr age gap situationship and it’s changed my view on dating older guys. I was always weirded out by couples with huge age gaps and I still definitely draw the line at the other person being old enough to have been my parent lol. I’m 25 and my current partner is 35 and so far it’s all been going really smooth. He’s really mature and good at communicating so even if we come upon a conflict we both handle it calmly and with mutual respect, which is very refreshing after my previous relationship🤡 He settles me down and I bring up the playful side in him and the more we get to know each other the more we talk and honestly have a lot in common.It might as well be the personality thing and it might not apply to all guys but, coming from someone who was completely heartbroken by some immature a55hole who shut me down constantly over a period of months and got me on emotional and mental rollercoaster cause it was too hard for him to just try talk things out- also seeing my friends deal with heartbreak over very similar a55holes- sometimes the guys our age, simply aren’t mature enough, at least not in the emotional aspect. So after getting your heart broken by some kid, maybe try getting with someone older. A mature, respectful and experienced partner might be just what you need.
Def do an episode on prenups I think they’re a good thing they protect both parties. You should look at the lady who wrote Legally Blonde and why she’s pro prenup. I think you just need to make sure you get yourself a Gloria Allred-esq lawyer who will get you your fair share in the prenup.😂
When I was 19 and first started dating my husband who was 27 I didn't understand why people were uncomfortable with the age gap. But now that I'm 27 I could never imagine dating a 19-year-old. I was so immature not in a bad way just in a 19-year-old way 😂.
So that really begs the question as to why someone who is 27 would want to date a 19 year old. You yourself admitted looking at your age now, you cant imagine being with someone so much younger at your current age. This just is not an attack on your husband btw. Just curious
@@msgirly6827 Yeah I'm not defending it, I find it bizarre now as well. I don't think he was trying to be creepy that's just kind of how things work where I live. Girls getting married at 19/20 and guys not wanting to settle down until 30/35. It's very common here.
@@chelseygarrett4221 ahh okay, thanks for not taking offense
@@msgirly6827 Right, 19 and 27 defies believe but not two men falling in love. Because IT'S THE CURRENT YEAR!
I am 36 my partner is 44 only a month separates our birthday. We have been together for 4 years on the 17th. We are equal and works for us. It can work. I am also older then my age
so you were 32 and he was 40 when you started dating. That's not a power imbalance at all, unless you were financially struggling and he used money to coerce. you were a full fledged adult! probably with a growing career and healthy finances. You're not older than your age, you're an adult and were an adult when you met. full stop.
1:01:33 I went through a very similar thing when my husband and I finally decided to get married after 8 years of dating- not because of an age gap though. I had never thought too much about how many in my family didn’t “approve” of us until it came to writing invitations and I realized how many I would have wanted to invite, but would actually have a chance of RSVPing no. It gave me a big perspective change.
If you want a woman to live with you , you can’t expect her family to pay. Leave her in the state she in if you don’t wanna buy her way
I’m in a 7 year age gap. Met when I was 17, got married when I was 19 and I’m now 23 and honestly our relationship has only gotten better and better. I get it that some people don’t get it. I respect it. But I’m also in the lower side as age gaps go I guess!
Also I didn’t get pregnant or anything. We got married because we had put a lot of thought into it. It’s just a normal and happy marriage!
Me and my boyfriend have a 7 year age gap and I always feel like people judge us! Weird to think it’s on the “lower side” 😂 congrats to you guys having an amazing relationship!! :)
I don’t think that prenups should be looked at as anticipating a divorce. Rather, protecting the things that you’ve worked hard for. You can’t anticipate the future so it’s more like insurance than anything. You can always change it as you go to expire after a certain number of years.
Third story is FULLY reasonable! They’re not married, he doesn’t owe her anything. If you cannot afford to live alone, then you don’t. Finances stay separate until you’re married. Just tell him you cannot afford it, and get your own place that is cheaper. Simple. And the fact that he earns that much more and he wants to live nicely, means they’re not compatible. Different stages in life, like Morgan said at the start of
The one about the rent situation with the 500k a year. I'm 50/50 on that. Like yes I believe that partners should be equally responsible for all adulting things like bills. But at the same time. While one partner is bettering themselves in school and not receiving any income, they should be able to lean on each other until they are done with school and making a reasonable income.
Also. I just found yalls podcast a couple days ago via recommend from Ladies and Tangents. They have good taste. I'm really enjoying these. They make me think and keep my mind active and occupied. Thank you this premium content.
I love y'all's podcasts, especially when I'm cleaning hahaha😁👍
I absolutely love this podcast.
Always positive vibes ❤️☀️
I can't remember where I first heard this but I follow the "Rule of Creepy" when it comes to age gaps
Take your age, divide by two, add 8.
So I'm 26: 26/2=13, 13+8=21. If there's a decimal, round up. ie. 31/2=15.5 so round to 16 and add 8. So a 31 year old ideally shouldn't date younger than 24.
However, its not a hard rule. Circumstances matter a ton. Morgan's spot on with the imbalance of power. For example, I had a teacher in highschool, I was 18, she was 20-ish. (I was older than many seniors cause I was born after the cutoff for kindergarten and she was younger than many teachers cause she graduated early)
So the age difference was barely anything, but it would've been wildly inappropriate for us to have a relationship because she held some power over me as teacher to student (to my dismay as I had a huge crush on her :c ...)
But two people who had a meet cute at a coffee shop that happen to have a 10 year age difference is a totally different story as there's no pre-established power dynamic.
Granted, my parents have a 9 year age difference and back in my home state age of consent is 16, so I feel like I'm more open to age gaps cause I'm more used to it.
Emotional maturity also plays a huge role, and in my opinion is just as important as physical maturity. A 22 year old could potentially have their whole life together with a stable job and living arrangement while another 22 year old is emotionally constipated and still has a ton of growing to do. This contrast of emotional maturity can frequently result in imbalances of power developing as the relationship progresses, through insecurities, abusive tendencies, etc. even though they're the same age.
I present to kids about internet safety and I remember this one freshman tried to pick a fight with me about the age of consent where I live currently (18). He kept asking me why they chose that age and I'll be honest I have no clue. It doesn't make sense to me either. Our prefrontal cortexes don't finish developing until our mid 20s, we can't drink until 21, but we can consent to an act that potentially results in another life at 16 in 31 states, 17 in 8, and 18 in 11? His line of thinking was he wanted it younger, cause hormonal teenager but tbh I think 18's too young. But there's no good way to pinpoint when age of consent across all humans in my opinion. Humans are weird lil creatures and I super do not envy law makers.
Story #3 I applauded right along with you both, literally!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I think what people need to understand is that the age gap ITSELF is the power imbalance
I was 28 last year and I had my first relationship with a 53 yo man!! I mean it was different but It was awesome for me because I felt no pressure at all and we had a lot of fun together!!
My court ordered child support is 189.00 for 2 children in Louisiana. My kids are 12 and 9. That’s a total shit price and wouldn’t even cover my monthly gas for my car. He doesn’t pay it anyway
As someone who just went through a divorce and never thought I would, get a prenup. If you have assets, get a prenup. With divorce rates being higher than marriages that last it only makes sense. It’s like having insurance on a house. Sure, your not planning on using it, and you hope you never have to, but if a hurricane comes (Floridian here) then you’ll be damn happy you did!
When people find out my parents are 13 years apart and started dating when my mom was 18….and he was technically her “boss” at her summer job. They weren’t seriously dating until she was 21, they got married when she was 21 and he was 34. They had me the next year. They’re still married, 27 years later.
i feel like there is just no way to justify story #2 like genuinely
That second story is absolutely sickening. Especially the update. There’s no way the daughter wasn’t groomed.
Hi! I love yalls podcast and was wondering if you could make a podcast or video explaining how to start and run a podcast? I'm trying to start one and was gonna say that your podcast and one other is what really got me interested in doing one!
Maybe it's just a cultural difference, but that whole financial discussion is so strange to me. If you're committed to being together, then does it matter who is paying what? I grew up learning that the husband and wife's money/property is one and the same. In that vein, I convinced my hubby to let me pay off his student loans because I had the funds to do that. He is now the bread winner while I take care of our child until she and her future siblings are older. It's much less stressful that way and it doesn't make a difference at the end of the day.
I just want to say that my 91 year old great grandfather just married a 60 year old woman... my grandmother being around 70. His now wife was also his caretaker, which ended before they married
I have SO much to say about this episode, but first...I just wanna point out that I, too, am 6 mo older than my current bf & he also teases that I'm a cougar.😂
Also, my aunt & uncle were 20yrs apart. They divorced bc she still wanted to live life & he wanted to rest.
The youngest age gap for me was when I was 36 & dating a 24yo. 🤦🏽♀️ That was stupid & I quickly realized that we had nothing in common. Oldest age gap, I was 30 & he was 53. He was so sweet, but also an alcoholic who drank a few beers & fell asleep whether it's daytime or night.
honestly my take is that it really depends on the person and situation. im 18 engaged to a 30 year old. i was living on my own fully supporting myself for years and 2 years out of school and into a career plus all over just always been alot more mature than the average 18 year old (due to lots and lots of trauma if we’re being honest haha). i was looking for marriage and kids when we met. my family and friends love her and same with her family and friends towards me. no one who knows us has ever viewed our relationship as weird or predatory. were both at the same place in life as weird as it may sound to some so theirs no power dynamics between us. we both make relatively the same amount of money, we both want the same things and just connect in the most amazing way. we just recently bought a home together as well. my family’s response to her was “well you always liked them older lmao” and every conversation since with them ends in can you just marry her already 🤣 our ages never really ever come up to be honest and tbh most of the time i forget shes older. when we first met she thought i was in my early/mid 20s and i thought she was like 23 lol. it just really depends if the situation had been different if i had been still in school or not supporting my own i would completely agree that a relationship should not have happened but with where were both at i and those close to us agree theirs nothing wrong with our relationship and tbh its the healthiest and happiest relationship either of us have ever had!
It's The Graduate with Dennis Hoffman and Anne Bancroft
Story 3 I agree! After I had been in an abusive relationship my family was super weary of me getting into another one. My now husband and I got in a fight when we were still dating over something that really was my fault and really dumb. He went to my house and cried to my mom and told her all his concerns and that’s when my family was like ok he loves her and truly has her best interest at heart. No age gap here lol we are only a year apart
God, this entire episode just makes me think of the creepy neighbor down the road from my parents. Knew us since i was around 5, next sister like 8. He has since propositioned two of my sisters. Plus my mom 😭
i think y’all are both smart, and i know i’m not like famous or anything big but i’d loveeee to do this type of stuff it’s so much more fun to talk about your opinions on certain things and give advice to people who need it.
If that last person’s kid is 5 or 6, I think the statute of limitations for statutory r*pe is 10 years so she could very well get him arrested still. It’s not like they need any more evidence than the kid.
I liiiiiive for these videos! You guys do a great job 👏