Harmonious doesn’t come from avoidance. If you don’t communicate and pull away whenever anything is wrong that’s going to look like running away to an anxious person and it will create the dynamics you fear.
No, it is 100% easy to be vulnerable. You just do it and walk on if someone tries to knock you down. My father cut me down throughout my entire life and I had horrible OCD thoughts for a large portion of my life. I don't have them any more and I've learned to laugh at myself and the world. You have to, otherwise you'll get squished.
Harmonious, comfortability, and a sense of stability and support…. Yet when that is there they take you on a scary fast descent on their emotional roller coaster when their fears kick in.
Doing this naturally already. And my experience is this kind of formulating is too superficial and doesn’t work with a DA. The regular answer would be: “No, I am busy”, or something like that. It’s very frustrating when you try to communicate in an understanding and solution oriented way, and your DA just keeps on sticking to her own agenda without any room for compromise.
100% agree. The last discussion before the break up was because I tried to be kind and said: "Hey, this is not a criticism. Everything is ok, but I wish we would talk a little more today" (after a whole day ignoring all my messages). He inmediately got overwhelem and said "this is not going to work, we have to cut any communication". And 4 days after, he broke up with me.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for her, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
So sorry these folks are so messed up. Maybe even so sorry that they are so miserable and defective. Everyone has hurdles to jump and should you not have the internal fortitude to overcome, crawl up into a fetal position and crumble. Do not position yourself on a social media platform projecting a ridiculous facade that you are stoic. It is not fair to bring someone into your life to justify or validate your existence.
Is it odd that I can’t wait to meet a new guy to use this strategy with? lol. Not that I want to meet another avoidant, but these tips are great way to better communicate. Vs. Me matching my ex’s energy and hitting the ceiling and telling him to leave me the F alone just a few weeks ago after he left me on read for the hundredth time. What made it worse is that he was super responsive the week before after he “got what he wanted”. And that was after 3 months of silence, where I learned he had been going through a lot business wise. He’s the king of shutting down and not being vulnerable with me yet INSISTS we stay “friends”. Feeling taken for granted is not for me. I made my exit to get my peace back. But I still feel sad that he chooses to shut people out and go through life alone
No you have to learn from your experiences good or bad. Maybe you will meet someone that isn't an adviodant or narcissistic. I have been thinking that same thing that I won't make the same mistake. But I thought she was an adviodant but I can see now she's a narcissist.
Genuine Question, What's with the DA/FA feeling like they are wrong/defective? Like when feeling wrong/defective, doesn't that make a person want to try and fix it/or try to become better?? Ex. A Does something bad, is told they are stupid or defective/weird, takes it personal, finished. Why doesn't A try to make things right or improve?
There were two things in this video that stood out. The need for peace and communicating the RIGHT way. I can say as someone who is a DA leaning SA that "rollercoasters" are absolutely EXHAUSTING whilst negative communication sucks (particularly when they say they don't like going out but later complain that you don't take them out 🙄). I can't stress enough the need for a safe place with a partner.
Agree! as an FA who has always leaned more DA…/(until I dated a severe DA which triggered my F side and now I have more compassion for APs, and humans in general.. dear lord.) Now showing up SA for the most part after the past 5 or so years of my own work.. pardon my personal rollercoaster descriptor.. (our journey is a tough one!) But, I actually feel like the more balanced I am now.. the more it absolutely sticks out like a sore thumb when someone else is all over the place. Peace is my friend. Peace is my one and only. In fact, I am currently floating in a swimming pool right now after jumping in, after a long solo hike. And I would rather be in the woods alone with deer than have my peace disturbed. Ad Infinitum. Also reconnecting with my DA ex right now who has come to a lot of understanding about his part in our connection and I’m strangely the one encouraging him not to rage text his most recent ex who was even more avoidant than him (which that would be completely out of character for him, and I reminded him of that.) Man we are both laughing at how life rolls around. I am also floating on a flamingo in my yoga pants. Anyway my point is.. I only exhaust myself these days. Via physical activities 😂 And anyone else coming near me needs to respect the same, even family and friends.
Bottom line- yes, safe place. 100%. ‘Love’ and ‘relationships’ are nothing if not safe and it drives me nuts when people see being ‘loving’ in THEIR way as safe. That means different things for everyone! (and we as avoidants - not you OP but all types in general) have our own role to play in that also, understanding that we too can create a lack of safety, albeit in different ways. But it’s about healthy communication and understanding what that looks like for everyone- and whether that’s compatible, and being ok if it isn’t. To move in another direction. But as I come full circle on this journey I am all about communicating what these things look like clearly.. knowing one’s self, and being able to be your own safe space, in order to do that and be that in a relationship also. Not just in service to someone else. Or assuming one way of what peace and safety look like. (Like I can think of tons of people who wouldn’t feel safe or peaceful in a pool floating on a raft in the rain on a flamingo after a hike and FAIR.) for example. Hahaha. Same goes for relating.
@@Kinteresting interesting you should bring all of this up. I'm DA leaning, but have an FA friend who expressed interest on taking things to a romantic level. She's talking about marriage now (she doesn't see the need to "date" since we have a decade long friendship) and I'm a little wary. I told her the price would be one year of living together to see if we can truly make things work, lol.
an AP with a secure partner is fine. An AP with an avoidant partner is going to feel unhappy the same way a secure partner would feel unhappy. The secure person would just leave and find someone else who is better suited to meet them. The AP gets triggered and enmeshed in the dynamic and tries to get the rock to love it, to no avail, even when practicing the communication suggestions offered.
What's PA attachment style? I'm aware of DA/FA/AA and SA. If it means passive aggressive that's difficulty asserting needs openingly and Is often a DA/FA trait.
These videos are very good, but, I can’t pay attention to them because the way you approach these. These are not styles we choose. This expression feels so invalidating it is hard to listen. I don’t think I’ve come across anybody else who refers to attachment trauma like this. Hope this can be changed.
If everything goes well this should do the job. But listen, there's one factor that's usually overlooked that can considerably speed up the process, unfortunately I do not have it at hand, but it can be go’ogled Dobbie Nerkstrol's Infertility Cure, I think.
Harmonious doesn’t come from avoidance.
If you don’t communicate and pull away whenever anything is wrong that’s going to look like running away to an anxious person and it will create the dynamics you fear.
No, it is 100% easy to be vulnerable. You just do it and walk on if someone tries to knock you down.
My father cut me down throughout my entire life and I had horrible OCD thoughts for a large portion of my life. I don't have them any more and I've learned to laugh at myself and the world. You have to, otherwise you'll get squished.
Harmonious, comfortability, and a sense of stability and support…. Yet when that is there they take you on a scary fast descent on their emotional roller coaster when their fears kick in.
Doing this naturally already.
And my experience is this kind of formulating is too superficial and doesn’t work with a DA. The regular answer would be: “No, I am busy”, or something like that.
It’s very frustrating when you try to communicate in an understanding and solution oriented way, and your DA just keeps on sticking to her own agenda without any room for compromise.
100% agree. The last discussion before the break up was because I tried to be kind and said: "Hey, this is not a criticism. Everything is ok, but I wish we would talk a little more today" (after a whole day ignoring all my messages). He inmediately got overwhelem and said "this is not going to work, we have to cut any communication". And 4 days after, he broke up with me.
@@ericarodriguez786😢
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for her, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
So sorry these folks are so messed up. Maybe even so sorry that they are so miserable and defective. Everyone has hurdles to jump and should you not have the internal fortitude to overcome, crawl up into a fetal position and crumble. Do not position yourself on a social media platform projecting a ridiculous facade that you are stoic. It is not fair to bring someone into your life to justify or validate your existence.
Is it odd that I can’t wait to meet a new guy to use this strategy with? lol. Not that I want to meet another avoidant, but these tips are great way to better communicate. Vs. Me matching my ex’s energy and hitting the ceiling and telling him to leave me the F alone just a few weeks ago after he left me on read for the hundredth time. What made it worse is that he was super responsive the week before after he “got what he wanted”. And that was after 3 months of silence, where I learned he had been going through a lot business wise. He’s the king of shutting down and not being vulnerable with me yet INSISTS we stay “friends”. Feeling taken for granted is not for me. I made my exit to get my peace back. But I still feel sad that he chooses to shut people out and go through life alone
No you have to learn from your experiences good or bad. Maybe you will meet someone that isn't an adviodant or narcissistic. I have been thinking that same thing that I won't make the same mistake. But I thought she was an adviodant but I can see now she's a narcissist.
Genuine Question,
What's with the DA/FA feeling like they are wrong/defective?
Like when feeling wrong/defective, doesn't that make a person want to try and fix it/or try to become better??
Ex. A Does something bad, is told they are stupid or defective/weird, takes it personal, finished. Why doesn't A try to make things right or improve?
There were two things in this video that stood out. The need for peace and communicating the RIGHT way. I can say as someone who is a DA leaning SA that "rollercoasters" are absolutely EXHAUSTING whilst negative communication sucks (particularly when they say they don't like going out but later complain that you don't take them out 🙄). I can't stress enough the need for a safe place with a partner.
Agree! as an FA who has always leaned more DA…/(until I dated a severe DA which triggered my F side and now I have more compassion for APs, and humans in general.. dear lord.)
Now showing up SA for the most part after the past 5 or so years of my own work.. pardon my personal rollercoaster descriptor.. (our journey is a tough one!)
But, I actually feel like the more balanced I am now.. the more it absolutely sticks out like a sore thumb when someone else is all over the place. Peace is my friend. Peace is my one and only.
In fact, I am currently floating in a swimming pool right now after jumping in, after a long solo hike. And I would rather be in the woods alone with deer than have my peace disturbed. Ad Infinitum.
Also reconnecting with my DA ex right now who has come to a lot of understanding about his part in our connection and I’m strangely the one encouraging him not to rage text his most recent ex who was even more avoidant than him (which that would be completely out of character for him, and I reminded him of that.)
Man we are both laughing at how life rolls around. I am also floating on a flamingo in my yoga pants. Anyway my point is.. I only exhaust myself these days. Via physical activities 😂 And anyone else coming near me needs to respect the same, even family and friends.
Bottom line- yes, safe place. 100%. ‘Love’ and ‘relationships’ are nothing if not safe and it drives me nuts when people see being ‘loving’ in THEIR way as safe. That means different things for everyone! (and we as avoidants - not you OP but all types in general) have our own role to play in that also, understanding that we too can create a lack of safety, albeit in different ways. But it’s about healthy communication and understanding what that looks like for everyone- and whether that’s compatible, and being ok if it isn’t. To move in another direction.
But as I come full circle on this journey I am all about communicating what these things look like clearly.. knowing one’s self, and being able to be your own safe space, in order to do that and be that in a relationship also. Not just in service to someone else. Or assuming one way of what peace and safety look like. (Like I can think of tons of people who wouldn’t feel safe or peaceful in a pool floating on a raft in the rain on a flamingo after a hike and FAIR.) for example. Hahaha. Same goes for relating.
@@Kinteresting interesting you should bring all of this up. I'm DA leaning, but have an FA friend who expressed interest on taking things to a romantic level. She's talking about marriage now (she doesn't see the need to "date" since we have a decade long friendship) and I'm a little wary. I told her the price would be one year of living together to see if we can truly make things work, lol.
Why do you guys pull away then? It’s hard to feel safe with someone who just doesn’t communicate and runs off.
To create trust you have to show up consistently
YES! Feelings covered up by their fears. Not feelings minus fears which is hard to understand. Thank you!
So, basically, avoidants have the same problems everyone else does except they can't handle life like a normal adult.
Same with APs needy energy vampire mentality.
an AP with a secure partner is fine. An AP with an avoidant partner is going to feel unhappy the same way a secure partner would feel unhappy. The secure person would just leave and find someone else who is better suited to meet them. The AP gets triggered and enmeshed in the dynamic and tries to get the rock to love it, to no avail, even when practicing the communication suggestions offered.
@@stickyslugs APs actually try to fix problems though. DAs are "my way or the highway."
Yup. They're babies, emotionally speaking.
Hi Thais. You are simply the best
Thank you Ms. Thais this is helpful I whish all avoidants would have been more aware of themselves
This was a great video thanks for making it
Love your videos. Not especially appreciating the music in the background.
#5+6 all the way
I need to know what someone with a DA attachment style gets from someone with the PA attachment style. WHY is she attracted to me?
What's PA attachment style? I'm aware of DA/FA/AA and SA.
If it means passive aggressive that's difficulty asserting needs openingly and Is often a DA/FA trait.
@@missbluerainPA = AA ( p for preoccupied)
At first PA makes us feel very seen, & heard… and appreciated and accepted.
@@bbjudyfit yeah, I complain a lot about Anxious partners but the early stages really can be nice.
@@missbluerain Preoccupied/Anxious attachment style. Sorry for the miscommunication.
Does anyone even like " criticism " ?
Nit everyone has an adverse reaction to criticism.
She can’t stand the thought of me even speaking to another girl - even if a girl looks at me she hits the roof
🪃🩵🙏🏼🌬
These videos are very good, but, I can’t pay attention to them because the way you approach these. These are not styles we choose. This expression feels so invalidating it is hard to listen. I don’t think I’ve come across anybody else who refers to attachment trauma like this. Hope this can be changed.
If everything goes well this should do the job. But listen, there's one factor that's usually overlooked that can considerably speed up the process, unfortunately I do not have it at hand, but it can be go’ogled Dobbie Nerkstrol's Infertility Cure, I think.
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