On the food one---it really sounded like it's only the mom that has a limited diet, and family was mocking her because even the child was eating more variety than her. It really sounded like there was no actual concern over the child beyond maybe them seeing their moms limited diet and becoming a picky eater "like her" (quotes because it's not just her being picky but it sounds like thats how the family may be perceiving it.)
Yes, and another interpretation, given OPs wife couldn't even handle making foods that had stuff she can't eat also raises the possibility that OP isn't feeding his kids properly and letting their wife's issues take priority over their kid's health
@@GraveyardMaiden i dont think that sounds right though, they talk about how "colorful" the childs plate is which is generally considered a good thing, ive never heard that used negatively, and this is all in the context of family dinners where the grandparents are cooking so i dont see how that would make sense. i also dont remember hearing that she cant cook meals that dont contain food she cant eat, could you point that out to me? and its a two parent household, so even if she cant cook it he should be able to
I think the big clue about the kids nutrition is the remark "look how colorful the plate is." This tells me the kid has a much more varied amount of foods on their plate vs their mom's. It's generally thought that eating many different colors of food gives you a better chance of getting the range of nutrients you need. Unless it was a plate of skittles, it sounds proper.
I also think there’s a chance maybe it’s something like a lot of foods that are good but maybe don’t fit into one cohesive meal. So the moms like oh my god chicken potatoes cucumbers and orange slices what?!?
Story 2: The family saying the wife should be "over it" by now means they either don't understand or never respected her Sensory Processing Disorder. Its a Disorder! It's a life long thing, as far as I understand (my SPD is linked to my Autism, which is life long)
SPD absolutely sucks. I'm really sensitive to loud noises and bright lights. When I was younger, this was a lot worse and I'm able to "control it" better (in the sense that I don't completely avoid things or cover my ears and cry) but I still struggle. For example, if a fire truck goes by I'll cringe. I don't think a lot of people understand SPD, which is sad, and just believe that those who have it are overreacting.
Yes! Agreed! Sensory processing disorder can be managed and you can learn to navigate uncomfortable sensory experiences, but the disordered processing of stimuli doesn’t go away!
While policing how a person dresses is crap, a request from the bride to take measures to avoid nip slip/titty pop-out is well within reason. There are so many things one can do. Maybe a stitch or two to the dress would help her not have to tug. To be clear, I do not think one can ask a person to wear a bra. Period.
I also feel like, this dress likely was picked out by OP because bridesmaids dresses often are. In this case, OP should have considered her sister's thoughts on the dress choice, knowing it's hard for her to find clothes. There's many reasons someone may not want to wear a bra, and you are totally right that there are other options. From my own experience, I know that sometimes for big-chested people it's embarrassing to even talk about this with others, so maybe the sister has something else in mind and just doesn't want to talk about it with OP. Either way, yeah this one riled me up lol
This story really sounds like the bra is not the issue. The nip slip is the issue. The sister was really asking for a nip slip prevention measure. That's a totally reasonable ask.
OP wasn't expecting money for babysitting. She didn't demand money or even discuss it in advance, it was a surprise gift. If the grandma is aware of that but still puts the blame on the person accepting the money rather than the person offering it, she is the A-hole.
I would say in general if you take something you are offered you are NTA, except when it’s involuntary or the person feels pressured to do so. But otherwise: They chose to offer you something, meaning they gave you the green light to accept it. There are even some situations where people would be considered rude for turning down an offer. Besides it’s not the grandma’s place to comment on this situation she has nothing to do with
For the second story, something OP mentioned was that the mother did research to make sure her kids would be able to eat healthy- "My wife has educated herself a lot on food, childhood diet, and how to healthily and joyfully introduce new foods to kids." (10:02) I think that based off this, she makes sure her kids eat well even if she can't manage it for herself. The family is completely the AHs here.
Yeah, the mother seems to have preferences or some form of dietary issue. Which can be for various reasons especially medical. The family is just being AHs and so many families have the tendency to be AHs in this situation.
Also, I feel like “Family members should do each other favors” doesn’t extend to 17-year-olds spending their entire weekend watching other people’s children. For a couple of hours? That could be a favor. Grandparents sitting? Possibly a favor. Having the kid stay with an adult sibling with a house/ kids of their own? Also could be a favor. I feel like OP went enough out of the way that she should be paid (I think the reduced rate is fine though), and $80 is way less than I’ve been paid for overnight dog sitting.
I think you’re partially right, but it depends upon which side of the boundary you’re on whether or not it’s a positive thing to experience. Parents and superiors giving ultimatums and boundaries that don’t make sense feel good to them but not to the person they’re trying to control, for example. And me setting a boundary for myself sets me up for success but other people will feel negatively about it sometimes. Not my problem, my health matters, but boundaries and ultimatums are complicated and lumping them all under one cover is not ideal. There are some boundaries that aren’t ultimatums. There are people who will turn a boundary given into an ultimatum because they refuse to accept it and try to test it. And there are some people who give boundaries as ultimatums because they’ve been hurt too many times. But a boundary isn’t de facto an ultimatum when it’s treated with respect.
Basically, giving a boundary isn’t like saying “it’s my way or the highway” which is either positive or negative. Creating a boundary is a matter of designating a line you can’t tolerate being crossed and if someone crosses it you have the power, as the boundary setter, to say whatever you want in response. Actions having consequences is different from an ultimatum.
@cexilady3333 Uh... sure. Hence why I said "often times". Some examples: either stop hitting me or we break up. Either stop bullying me or we cant be friends anymore. Either respect my house rules or dont come over anymore. By definition, those are ultimatums, but they are valid ultimatums. Let's not pretend they aren't... a square is different from a rectangle, but it's still by definition a rectangle. Same idea.
It sounds like the dress the sister chose would be impossible to wear a bra with without the bra itself being in full view. I do think that it would be considerate of the sister to wear *something* to keep from falling out, but that's just me. As a big tiddied girlie, it's extremely annoying to have to keep tugging and adjusting at your clothing to ensure that you're not falling out during the the entire event. A good quality set of stick-on bra cups would probably solve the entire issue. No bra, no nip slip, no drama!
Sounds like she chose her own dress though. So she obv is choosing to have to tug at it. Nothing wrong with it, it would be wrong if she didn’t give a damn and let everything show, but she’s not. She’s readjusting it regularly, so she knows and has chosen how to handle it ! Let her handle it how she chooses as long as it’s handled !
For that last one. I think it would have been better to just ask her sister to please do what she can to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. It doesn't matter how she does it, whether it's a bra, or tape, or stick-ons, or a different dress. It's not really a case of, "you have to wear a bra," but, "I don't want to see any of my guests' nipples during my wedding." I guess I'm curious what you think of dress codes in general, like fancy restaurants that don't want anyone wearing jeans/shorts etc?
Sister already IS doing that. She’s readjusting it regularly. She has chosen how to handle it, OP is just not ok with how sister chose to keep it under control and thinks sister should do what SHE would. Which makes it a YTA for me.
TW: ED As someone who had an eating disorder in high school and has sensory issues, I completely understand having limited foods that are considered "safe." The family making fun of the wife there can very much set back her progress and mess up the balance she's managed to find between eating well and eating at all. If there's something I can't eat because of my sensory issues, I already feel bad enough saying the texture is awful but, if someone decided to tease me for it, I wouldn't eat at all for that meal which is far worse than just accepting that I can't eat certain foods and to avoid them.
So much this. Like, not only will those comments hurt the kids to hear, even if they're not directed at them. They also could massively be messing with the wife's recovery. This guy is absolutely not the asshole.
On the clothing story, the "controversial" opinion that I think Shaaba expresses is that OP doesn't (apparently) have the right to say "I'm not comfortable with this at my formal event." Is the sister free to wear that dress without bra? Absolutely! But then OP is free to say "I'm not comfortable with you wearing that to this event without a bra" and the sister can decide if she wants to attend the event with a different dress, attend the event with that dress and a bra, or not attend the event. If someone had come to my wedding in shorts and a bra and nothing else, I would have thrown them out, not because I thought they shouldn't be allowed to wear that in general, but because I wouldn't have wanted that at MY WEDDING. This OP has said they aren't willing to throw their sister out for this disagreement, and that's great. I'm glad they are close enough for this not to destroy their obviously good relationship. But OP DOES have the right to say "I'm concerned that you will break my dress code with that dress (because of accidental slippage), can you do something to avoid that, please?" OP clearly doesn't know of other options than a bra, but I bet she'd accept them if they were suggested (be it tape, a corset, or a different dress). The point is, it is NOT controversial to say "OP can't tell her sister that she has to wear a bra" in the general sense, but it is (I think) controversial to say "At this event where OP sets the dress code and makes the rules, she can't say that it's inappropriate for her sister to show up wearing clothes that are likely to break that dress code."
It's also a consent thing on the part of other guest in attendance. I had a roommate who used to flash her nipple piercing at people, many were uncomfortable, I got unfazed.
Yeah, weddings are generally considered the type of event where a bride DOES get to tell people what to wear. She sets the dress code for guests, directs bridesmaids what to wear and generally expects nobody to wear white. Would Shaaba defend the sister if she wants to wear a white dress because it's her body her choice and no one can tell her what to wear? Probably not. If the bride wants you to take measures to avoid a nip slip, I think it's a very reasonable request compared to banning an entire color for all guests at the wedding.
If a stranger, or even a friend, did that to me, without asking I'd be horrified. Not by the nip piercing, but the lack of respect for other people's boundaries inherent in showing me without asking if I wanted to see it. If a nip slipped during OP's wedding ceremony, I think a lot of people would be embarrased for the sister or think it was funny. It could be seriously humiliating for the sister.
Thank you! This is exactly the problem I was having with the whole situation. It's fine for the sister to wear that dress braless anywhere else she wants, but it's OP's wedding, and OP is absolutely allowed to have certain standards about what is and is not appropriate attire. It doesn't sound like she's being nitpicky about it, either. She's seen her sister tugging at the top, clearly uncomfortable, and gone "hey let's do something about that so we don't have an accident and both get embarrassed by it."
I've heard the "can't make up people in your dreams" thing, and that does not make sense to me. A) How would you possibly test whether the person who SEEMS like someone you don't know (which I get all the time in my dreams) is someone you actually glimpsed briefly or not? B) We can imagine people we haven't seen (that's how artists and writers come up with characters)...so why wouldn't our brains do that when we're asleep, when dreams DEFINITELY come up with other stuff we haven't seen? I mean, my dreaming brain once generated a giant carnivorous otter with shelf fungus growing out of its side...which thankfully is NOT something I've ever encountered in real life!
Hard agree. It has several times been the case that someone in my dreams is obviously a combination of certain people. And all creativity is just combining known things in new ways. Even dreaming that i was a tiny dragon who was flight-carrying TV-s as my job at a moving company is a combination of known things. Many times people in dreams feel like absolutely new people with me having a very clear sense of their personality. Just like the stories can be new despite combining known elements, so can the people. The idea that you would get that clear of an understanding of some random person you passed on the street is way more of a stretch than just that people aren't that special when it comes to dreams. In my dreams, for example, animals can always talk as long as they are adults. And there is no way they are based on humans, they are very distinctly their species. Why would i be able to make up animal personalities and not human ones?
Yeah definitely agree. I think what I've heard that seems more reasonable, is that you can't imagine new features, but you can imagine them put together in different ways. That's hard to measure though so I'm not going to say it's totally correct unless I find a source. But I think it's sort of similar to how you can't really visualize a new color?
I've heard it before and while I'm not positive I recall correctly from my psychology classes in university but my understanding is that they have done a fair bit of brain imaging and test for creating different things and it never lights up the "creating" pathway when drawing/describing etc. a face but the "recall" one. The part I'm least certain of is the mix and match options - I think you can "create" a face but its never from scratch, its person A's mouth and nose but person B's eyes and ears with person C's hair, type of thing but I might be mistaken. So you're recalling these features just rearranging them.
@@HAnnB24 When i think about how it is for me when i'm drawing, it's because when I draw nature or animals more imprecisely, that's fine, but when I do that with people, it's kinda creepy. We have much higher standards for drawing human faces than anything else. But i don't think this is really related to dreaming people in general. For example, I have aphantasia to a degree that even my dream people mostly don't have appearances, just vibes and personalities.
The in-laws in story 2: “It isn’t good for her to still have these problems after so long” Oh wow you’re right! Here we were working with doctors to try and treat this, silly us. She’s now magically cured because she ‘should be over it’! Because that’s definitely how mental health works 🙄.
If someone is kind enough to watch your child (especially for very little money), you should absolutely provide food for them! Hungry people can't focus. You want them to be on their toes, right?
I don't know I think it depends on the person watching the child. Whenever I go housesitting, for example, I bring food with me so I don't need people to leave any for me.
@@littlechickenman I guess that's true, but I think in OP's case, food should have been provided. They're a minor doing a favor for family, without an expectation of pay (and even when they were paid it was a very small amount for the work she did). Personally, I only expect food to be left when I'm staying for a long period of time, but I always make it a point leave it for others. I don't want to cost someone who's keeping my pets happy money.
Slightly different, but i petsit a lot and i include food in my fee. I dont them to come home to an empty fridge/pantry or try to make something out of whatever someone else considers staples. Also usually take my own spices. 😂 But in a situation such as this (also one ive been in several times), i would expect food to be available. Especially since OP wasnt expecting to get paid.
I looked into it and the "colorful" plate is that there is a bunch of different things. The wife likes to give the kids new things mixed with favorites. So the wifes plate is simple but the kids have lots of options to try and enjoy. They want the kids to try new things but don't want to force them to eat it if they don't want to so they just also include things they know the kids enjoy.
That first story hit home so hard for me. I had almost the same exact situation (almost 15 years ago now, so water under the bridge, but) with my sister and her kids. At the time she had 2, a toddler and an infant, and I was living with our parents in the same town, unemployed after dropping out of college. She had had a surgery so she wasn't out of town but she asked me to help look after the kids while she was recovering, so I did take on something like 99% of the care, of both her kids and also of her - I remember making food for her, keeping her kiddos fed and putting them to bed, etc. It was for a couple of nights and at the end of my stay, she offered me a check for $40 on the way out. We did the typical "I'd pay you more if I could afford it," "Oh no you don't have to pay me at all," but in the end she insisted and I took the money because I had no other income and I had debt payments that needed to be made. I learned later that she had complained that I even took the money at all. As an autistic person especially, I never really understood the whole song and dance - if someone offers to pay you for a service, it just doesn't make sense to me for anyone to be an asshole for accepting it. It didn't really sink in for me until many years later (I felt guilty for a long time about that circumstance), but when I offered to help a friend with something and she offered to pay me, and I turned her down, she just looked me in the eye and said "Your time is valuable and our friendship doesn't make it less valuable," and that put a lot of things into perspective for me. OP's time is valuable - even if the going rate is more, the gesture of payment is still appreciated and it's not wrong to accept the money.
The bra story: I agree about not forcing someone to wear a bra. However we do accept the concept of dress codes, including wearing a certain colour to a wedding and not showing up in a pair of sweatpants. I think the difference is about objectification and sexualisation of women's breasts. Is that why the scenario feels different from a simple, reasonable dresscode?
I feel like people are very focused on the "has to wear bra" aspect, when in my opinion the real question is if the dress is wedding-appropriate even with a bra, if there is a lot of boob showing. In my experience, weddings tend to be quite formal events, so people shouldn't be dressing like they are going to a night club. Maybe not everyone cares about those things, but OP obviously does and it's her wedding. I don't think this many would have a problem, if the OP was asking can she demand her brother not to wear a low-cut wife beater to her wedding.
But it's same if a man were show up flashing his privates parts or nipples. I don't think we'd defend a man for showing up flashing those parts to a wedding because it's sexualization. Both men and women have sexual organ which are not appropriate to flash.
@@Tasha9315Breasts aren't a sex organ. They're a secondary sex characteristic like excessive facial hair. Comparing breasts to genitalia is just biologically inaccurate.
@@zhenia2511 Yeah but they're still a secondary sex characteristic that isn't proper to publicly display. I'd say the same of a man going shirtless to a wedding.
@@Tasha9315 I see your point and I very much agree, however, I don't think that shirtless men are seen as a sight of equal obscenity to a shirtless woman. Both are not appropriate for a wedding for sure, but let's keep it accurate.
About the last story; I’m from a culture where most of us don’t give a damn about nudity but there is also a thought that dressing up good is to respect the event and people there. It’s also considered to be related to self respect. For example we spent most bachelor/hen nights in saunas, totally naked and sometimes even the wedding reception end up in Sauna but there is “dress code” to every occasion. So for me nta.
As an addition for the SPD explanation - SPD can also encompass UNDER reactivity to certain sensory inputes, IE sensory seeking which can look like purposefully seeking out different tactile textures, fidgeting, enjoying various scents, etc.
26:46 dresscodes exist for a reason. that dress would be perfect for an evening out when the sis goes clubbing, but not for a formal event like a wedding. and op wasn't even making her sister choose a different dress or something - she just doesn't want to spend her entire wedding day worried that her sister might accidentally show her boobs to everyone in attendance. trust me, this is not a wedding memory you'd want to have
As someone who at 32 years old, just found out maybe 3 years ago my sensory issues, caused by my anxiety disorder and ocd, are not just a me thing to be bullied about... if anything those in laws are setting up their grandkids for having the same problems. Because when it comes to food, there are certain things, even as I've gotten more foods I can eat, their are some foods now I just can't pick up now to get myself to try because as a kid they were uses as "well you would love this if you tried it" not "try it you may like it" not "You never know it might taste good", always "you WILL like it" so even now as an adult there is something in my mind telling me if i try those and don't it means something is wrong with me for not. Logically I know that's not true, but it's a hurdle I can't get over. That 3 year old hearing her grandparents and aunt telling her mama that she eats funny, that these foods are better, when the kid seems the mom's options as happy options? Just gunna make her as she's older also only want to stick to those foods. I'm sure when at home and OP is helping feed the kid she gets things he eats as well, but having a 1 and 3 year old I'd guess they take turns handling the two and helping them eat, so the 3 year olds plate is safe for mom.
As someone who also has OCD/anxiety, I just wanted to send you massive hugs and support. I know how hard it is. OCD doesn't care about logic; neither does anxiety. And, unfortunately, people without OCD or an anxiety disorder don't always understand that. But I do, and I wanted you to know that you're not alone. (((((HUGS)))))
As someone with a large chest who hates bras with a passion, i never wear bras at home. However I do wear a sports bra when out and about, and always wear a bra to family events like meals out / birthday parties / more upscale events. I have never been to a wedding as an adult (I'm 29) but I know for a fact that I would wear a bra to a wedding. I get it, it's a personal preference and personal comfort thing. And everyone has their own opinions and feelings on the matter. But for me, I think the op in the bra wedding story is NTA. I get where her sister is coming from, but seriously it's a wedding, it's one day, just wear the bra, although if the sister has medical reasons for not wearing one then my opinion would be different.
Why should she have to wear a bra though??? Boobs aren’t like genitals, they’re not made for sexy times, they’re made for FEEDING CHILDREN….she shouldn’t have to hide something that was never made to be looked at in the first place
@@Imjustkendall Unless this was a very informal wedding, it's usually expected that everyone ( men even more than women) cover their bodies. If the OP wanted to forbid her sister to breastfeed at her wedding, she would have been the AH, but that isn't the case. I'm all for free the nipple, but there is a time and a place and your sisters wedding isn't it. And it isn't sexist, because men's chest area is also expected to be covered up at formal events.
My god yeah my giant boobs need to be reasonably covered and if I had testicles that were gonna dangle out of my shorts that would ALSO be a problem. CONTROL YOUR BITS.
Fellow large chested lady here, I also don't love bras but I honestly can't fathom how larger chested ladies can stand to not wear them while there out and doing stuff, I would legit be hitting myself and objects off tables if I let the girls free lmao
@@marieking2031 This! Like, I LOVE being braless at home. It's just an unnecessary piece of clothing at home. But outside the home I wear a bra cause of things like boob sweat, chaffing, too much movement being painful (like even just running to my car real quick or something), etc. I can't imagine being comfortable in a dress like that when it does seem highly likely for my tit to fall out. Even if I wanted to wear the dress, I'd probably have it modified to fit me better, wear a bra, or at MINIMUM wear tape. I get that some people don't like bras, but there's a time and place for everything.
Okay so for the third one I’m leaning to NTA for two reasons. 1. If there is a dress code, follow it. No women should be sexualized, but regardless of gender if someone is wearing something like a t shirt, shorts, a less formal dress, something a bit more showy/flashy to a more formal wedding, not really following the dress code. Of course it’s a request not a demand, just common courtesy to follow it 2. She is the bride, she kinda has a say in what you wear if you are a bridesmaid. If you disagree just don’t be a bridesmaid. What you do with your tits is your business, just don’t accept a position where your role is to follow someone’s orders. Does society inherit sexualize women? Yes. Is it right? No. But it’s a wedding and the bride is not making a crazy demand. I have big boobs but I would also die for my sister, so if she wants me to wear a bra and be kind of uncomfortable for ONE day so she is not stressed I might flash someone, I’m gonna do it
Completely agree. I think we would all be much more in agreement if, for example, the bride asked her sister to cover up tattoos when the rest of her attire is in accordance with the dress code. I think we could all agree that tattoos are a form of self-expression (funny enough, I think, with the understandable caveat that you don’t have a cock and balls or a naked lady with her tits and bush on full display, something violent / graphic, or something hateful / obscene etc etc), but even if you had your nips removed and boobs reconstructed after a double mastectomy and got beautiful tattoos over your tiddies, I still wouldn’t prefer my sister whipping them out on the dance floor. To me it’s also sort of a family boundaries thing, I don’t especially want to see my sister’s tits to begin with, but especially not at a formal and explicitly romantic event.
That second one 😨 I'm autistic, so I struggle with SPD, and then about three years ago discovered I have some sort of sensitivity to black pepper (it makes my mouth hot and itchy, feels like I get blisters, sometimes makes my throat itchy if its a lot). It's really messed up my relationship with food, which was a struggle to begin with. And this is something I'll have to deal with my entire life. You dont just "get over" trauma, especially with something that affects your day to day life, like food. That's a life long battle they're fighting. I'm glad husband respected his wife's struggles and set boundries to keep his familiy from damaging what work she's put into addressing her struggles.
For the third story (the wedding one) I would like to add that there is a possibility that tape is not a common thing where OP is. Personally I and my friends and acquaintances (I mostly asked AFAB people since I am currently the only one under the 🏳️⚧️ flag so couldn’t ask any MtF people) have no idea what that is and I actually had to look for it after you mentioned it so maybe OP just didn’t know that was an option.
In regards to the one where the wife has eating disorder, I see a lot of posts where people are basically saying to people with childhood trauma (be it an eating disorder, sexual or emotional abuse etc), well you’re an adult now so you should be over that trauma
Your sleeping brain actually can create people youve never seen, despite popular belief. However everything you dream of is loosely based on real things. This also varies depending on each individual brain, becoming especially complicated for people who dont mentally visualize when awake. Dreams are crazy things.
For me the last one feels like a no assholes here situation I don't think OP is the AH for wanting to avoid her sister having a wardrobe malfunction at her wedding and the sister isn't the AH for not wanting to be forced to were something she doesn't want to. They just need to come together and find a solution they are both happy with that isn't one or the other like body tape or body glue to keep everything where it should be.
I honestly don't get how OP trying to find a way to prevent her sis from having a wardrobe malfunction is some horrible crime against women. Like girl is at a wedding where it would be horrifying to have your tits fly out in front of a ton of strangers like that's like ripping your pants and having everyone see your underwear
Yes. I think the underlying issue is bodies shouldn't be inappropriate, but... that is a larger societal issue that needs to be worked on before no one bats an eye if a boob pops out on a dance floor... a wedding is so high stress. And that WOULD be an incident unfortunately. It shouldn't, but it would be.
@@ThaliaSky fair point, but that still doesn't magically change current social views and still is a rather mortifying situation to be in. Like consequences are still there, you know.
What I do not like about the story is the assumption, that the sis is not able to control flaws. Like normally she knows her body best. And unless she is having regular incidents that suggest she does not know how to handle her body. One question"are you sure with this dress?" Should be enough for the issue.
@@flotenstimme4608 I mean given OP mentioned it's the first time her sis wore something like that dress so it's safe to assume the sis most likely would have needed help with it, because well, women aren't automatically programmed with some biological knowledge on how to solve issues like tits popping out of a dress n
As someone also with SPD and having been forced to sit at the dinner table while gagging (my parents truly believed that I was some spoiled kid trying to say I disliked the food, which considering the rest of my personality and the fact they didn't actually spoil me they should have known was strange, but didn't), I also developed a big issue with food, and specifically my dad making it for me as he seems to think even now that its just BS i came up with over food I dislike. As a specific example of a food I love but can only eat certain ways: tomatoes, i can eat tomato soup (the store bought very pureed kind) and pasta, but if tomatoes are not cooked well enough I will have the problem again and I can't eat tomatoes at all. I also can't eat most fruits which again explains why my parents thought I just didn't "want healthy food" or smth. And as a point along with your "parents messing with kids food choices based on their own," the reason my parents were so worried and annoyed with me not eating the food was that they both grew up in households that didn't take good care of them and had very cheap and unhealthy foods most often. And my dad is very proud of his cooking so I do understand why it is that they did it. But because they forced me to eat foods I couldn't, they passed on their own food insecurity to me. To the point where in their house I do not eat their food. Ever. I still live with them (will be moving out soon) but you can see how this has caused problems for me. If I was OP, I would not trust my kids with my parents as they have shown that they will choose to feed someone who I care about something they can't eat, and make fun of that person as well. To be quite honest, I would have chosen for my parents rather than give an ultimatum, by telling them they've broken mine and my wife's trust and that we won't be having dinner with them again until they can regain that trust. So in no way imo is OP the a*hole and based on the wife's interest in introducing foods to her children joyfully, I doubt the parents were concerned that it was "healthy" food. Especially based on the "colorful" comment on the kid's dinner plate, they are definitely giving the child a diversity of food and likely healthy food as well. I have seen the "colorful" comment before, specifically a few times to my dad who as I said before was interested in healthy and filling food for his kids. I've never seen that comment used for a non-healthy dish to be quite honest.
Ultimatum: a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations. According to that definition makes me think the second story was a ultimatum... but a reasonable one.
I think the most important part is how much power the ultimatum-giver has in the situation. If we are the underdog an ultimatum may be the best way to enforce boundaries. If we have all the power it's usually manipulative.
(Opinions on Food Issues OP and on Bra-Wearing OP below) 2nd one: I think the issue the family had was that they think OP's wife is setting a bad example for their kids. Wife is mentioned as having gone through lots of therapy and having a "team" for this issue, as well as having done lots of her own independent research on how to introduce children to new foods in order to encourage healthy relationships with food. That and the mention of the kid's plate being "colorful" (generally a good thing indicating variety on the plate) even when Wife's isn't makes me think that this is very much a case of the family needing to mind their own business. OP is NTA for setting a firm boundary. 3rd story: I'll be real with you, I completely get where OP is coming from, and I do think it's inappropriate to wear an outfit with a high chance of a "wardrobe malfunction" to an event like a wedding. That said, I think it also sounds like OP just might not know/have thought of alternatives such as fashion tape, bobby pins, stick on cups, etc and thus went straight to "maybe you should wear a bra?" -- if she's not as endowed or tends more towards modest clothes than her sister, it makes sense why she wouldn't think of those options first. The sister obviously doesn't have to wear a bra if she doesn't want to (I don't personally understand *why* she wouldn't want to, but to each their own), but taking some sort of precaution against a wardrobe malfunction is kind of the least you can do for a formal event. In any case, OP is NTA for at least asking, nor is she TA for being uncomfortable in the first place. She would have been if she was rude or very insistent about it, but she wasn't, so it's fine.
Shaaba the people saying "She can go bra-less but needs to wear appropriate things if that's her choice" are agreeing with you. Like you said there is tape or stick on bras that she could easily use, but it seems to be implied by the statement that she's constantly having to fix it, that she's refusing too do anything about the potential boob slippage. Which does make it inappropriate. Not because it's her boobs or any kind of sexist thing, but because she's being a stubborn mule and creating an awkward situation unnecessarily. When it can easily be fixed with the various things people have told her to do, but she (apparently) refuses and just wants to wear a dress with the potential of popping out for unknown reasons -_-' Plus OP isn't giving her an ultimatum of you either do this or don't come, she's just asking her and providing potential options, that the sister is refusing and being a stubborn brat about... so to me NTA.
I have SPD due to my autism, and it's caused a Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder that can be quite extreme. It doesn't matter what the food is. If she can't eat it, and the family KNOWS that she can't, it doesn't matter why she can't, it doesn't matter what it is.
With the bra one i think there are two conversations here. There is the one about it being her body and her decisions (which i completely agree with) AND there is the orher about it being OPs wedding and it is not abnormal for weddings to have dress requirements even without considering bras specifically. I dont think the bride is really an asshole either way because it feels like she is being intentional but also just doesnt want her sister's boobs out at her wedding which isnt a big ask.
The bra story is something I can understand OP on. NTA. Your rights ends where other peoples rights begin. Sister has a right to not wear a bra, however, everyone else has a right to not see her booba fly out of her dress and flash them. It can feel awful to be flashed and they did not consent to see that should it happen (which sounds like a high risk if OP is not exaggerating). Its your body your choice until someone else suddenly sees your nip-nip because your right to not wear a bra. The easy solution is to use something (a bra or tape) that will keep them in place instead of relying on not moving and hope to keep them from flashing. I say this as someone with big boobas, who has no issues with nude beaches, nude saunas, etc, since its part of my culture. It matters with the when and how people see naked bodies. It can feel like an assault to be exposed to naked bodies at the wrong place, and a wedding is one of those places. "Please don´t play with fire and risk flashing my guests" is not a big thing to ask.
@@SuperJust4girls For sexual things. A person existing as they are born is not sexual. That’s you viewing them sexually and a you problem. Otherwise I didn’t consent to seeing your face so cover up. It’s distracting.
It's a bit much to say that a nip slip can be like assault. It's a boob, it's a normal body part, it's not inherently sexual; it's only sexual when the perciever thinks it is. It's not being shoved in anyone's face or presented erotically. You might be standing next to someone and oops! Oh well, they cover it back up and we all move on. That being said, I agree that the bride is not asking a big thing. Bra, tape, stick-on bra pads, nip protectors: there are options. And especially for an event like a wedding that often have dress codes, it's not unreasonable to ask that measures are taken to prevent a slip.
It's not unreasonable for the first OP to accept money for babysitting. I even get paid for taking care of my family friend's dogs. She pays me 20 bucks a day and I don't stay with them the whole time or walk them everyday I'm there, only on the weekends. My parents expect me to be paid.
I found a comment you made at 7:30 fascinating. You said ultimatums remove agency, but they seem to do the opposite. If I'm being treated badly, and saying "Knock it off or I'm leaving" is unacceptable, that does mean staying and being treated badly, it means leaving. The ultimatum gives the person a last chance to save things that have already gone wrong. To me, it seems to give a person about to be cut-off a chance to decide to change their situation, giving them more agency. edit: Apparently, we are in full agreement but use the word ultimatum differently!
I'm an adult with food sensory issues and I feel bad about it, I feel like a picky little kid, even my mom makes me feel bad about it but there's nothing I can do about it. I have found a lot of healthy food that feel nice to my mouth and am looking for cookbooks. That family sucks for interfering with someones parenting when nothing was wrong and mocking the woman's food sensory issues
Now wait a minute...the bride is allowed to be upset if someone wears a bride-colored dress to her wedding, but she's not allowed to be upset if someone introduces nudity to her wedding? I kind of feel like this sister knows her sister. She seems to be very understanding about the situation except that she also seems to be VERY afraid that her sister is going to flash everyone at her wedding. If she's not worried about her sister flashing everyone at a restaurant or at Thanksgiving, there must be something about the wedding situation that makes her extra afraid this will happen. The X-dress itself? Knowing how her sister dances? I feel like it's a bit dismissive to assume that her worries are for no reason, since she hasn't said "I hate that my sister never wears a bra", she's just extremely worried that her wedding is going to turn into a nipple show. I feel like if you're allowed to say nobody else can wear white/red/whatever color is traditional for the bride at a wedding, you're also allowed to say nobody is allowed to wear clothing that is a sneeze away from flinging nipples everywhere. Honestly, though, I wonder why she doesn't just TELL her sister "Omg I am so afraid you're going to be straight-up topless at some point in my wedding" and let her sister figure out how to reassure her that she won't.
Yep, I think the two best points in disagreement with Shaaba are: 1) okay, so then what if your mother or MIL wants to wear a culturally bride-reserved-color dress to your wedding? I think most people would agree there are event-specific cases where there is a dress code and it’s impolite not to respect that. 2) somewhat related to the first point, I think for me it’s a lot about family boundaries. Especially if you’ve experienced something like CSA, it’s normal to be uncomfortable with your sibling’s nudity. I don’t want to see my sister’s tits at my wedding any more than I want to see her husband in assless chaps. I also think there’s something to be said for the immediate family of the bride breaking dress code being more uncomfortable than another guest or a plus one doing so, bc it reflects more directly on the bride herself / the wedding as a whole. I don’t think “please take steps to prevent your tits popping out at my wedding” is too much to ask of the bride’s sister.
Based on OP’s post, sister knows how to handle being braless, and does NOT have a history of flashing, or I’m pretty sure OP would have mentionned it. Therefore and based on this, this « what if » argument is completely moot. It’s just nitpicking.
Mocking ppl for their food choices is such a slippery slope. Esp. Someone dealing with limiting and slowing reintroducing foods while ALSO introducing foods to a very young child. The GPs sound like they don’t feel like it’s how they would do it and better, even when the parent is being guided by medical professionals. It just seems like they don’t want to help they just want to be right. What makes me think it isn’t a issue with OP or spouse is OP has clearly learned and absorbed the best way to care for the problem. You hit the nail on the head that healing isn’t linear, so so so true!
hi! autistic here :) just wanted to comment on the sensory processing and overload bc for a lot of us its not just discomfort, its pain. honestly the sound of a vacuum or the feeling of sand on my skin is worse than cuts and bruises. other than that i loved how you explained it
Beyond the tape I'd even suggest pasties as a "last line of defense" kind of thing. Also, get thee to a tailor, at least check if there's any alterations that could help. Sounds like the dress doesn't fit right and there is only so much the tape can do.
My youngest has sensory food issues - we have a lot of anxiety around his limited diet and how skinny he is. His diet looks terrible for the outside, but we do the best we can to work within his boundaries and he continually tries new foods (even if most get rejected, he keeps trying). We are intelligent people. Our oldest is a great eater. But the issues are what they are - weighing in on that is so far from helpful. I'm very protective of it and we reach out to ask if we need to bring food because he has limited foods he eats. There are times we are grateful that he eats at all - and until you've lived through it, then it's unlikely you have anything useful to add.
Story 2 does contain an ultimatum, but it's a healthy one. Sometimes in order to get respect, you have to demand it. More likely than not, the (grand)parents won't change, and OP will have to go low contact. But maybe the fear of losing their son and grandchildren will bring them back to reason.
I mean, in my family, my mum and sister definitely tell me what to wear sometimes and I usually listen nowadays because they just know better than me about fashion - but my mum also has a very good understanding of different clothes that fit different bodies. I can pull off dungarees very nicely but they don't look as flattering on my mum and sister's body types. If my mum were to tell me "if you wear this, your boobs could fall out" - although that isn't something I often struggle with - I would listen. I think I would have gone with a minimum of NAH on that one. There are circumstances where you have to watch what you wear, and weddings are definitely one of them. There are some dresses that you really cannot wear without a bra - and it isn't sexism, just... that dress needs a bra with it. In the same way that there are some dresses where it would look really weird if you wore them *with* a bra. Also, like you said, if she really, really is against the bra then there are other options to provide support.
Shaaba, I'm an Alanon double winner; I can tell you the rules for a healthy ultimatum. First, the person you're issuing the ultimatum to has to be crossing a boundary which you have clearly expressed to them. If a person persists in crossing that boundary, even after repeatedly being asked and then told to stop, then issuing an ultimatum may become necessary. That's rule 2: Try reason first. The final rule is to never issue an ultimatum unless you mean it. Issuing an ultimatum and then not following through makes one into a voluntary supply for a black hole of narcissism surrounding the particular toxic behavior (no matter what it is). In the last year of my marriage, my ex wife stopped issuing ultimatums for most of it, something I later realized showed she was attending alanon. When she finally did say "It's me or the booze" one more time, and I ignored her one more time, her stuff was in boxes the next time I came home, and gone the time after that. That was my ex wife issuing a healthy ultimatum.
I have a ridiculous number of food allergies, and I am thankful every day that I have married into a family that goes above and beyond to make sure there's always something made for me. It's a level of care I have never in my life experienced, and it fills me with absolute joy. ❤
See, I thought that the 1st family was being sarcastic when they commented about the "colorful plate". My thought was that maybe the kid had very little variety on her plate and the family was pointing out the lack of options?
luv you shabbsss, i needed this today. My moms really homophobic and she found my polygel, makeup and started noticing my more feminine side.... havent really had the best month:/
Sending hugs from this mom. Also sending hope that your mom will come around and realize nothing has changed. You're still her kid that she loved before finding your stuff.
@@nanner3200im planning on moving to canada in 2 years and graduating college, after that im gonna come out. If they cant take it then atleast ill have a college degree and a steady job
Hi Shaaba, I know and really appreciate how you try to be kind to everyone in each story and usually bend over backwards to find even a trace of "the other side of the story". Sometimes, though, I worry that this might lead you to be vulnerable and overlook what is clearly stated (written) to find that "other side" I'm thinking of the second (the food and eating disorder) story. I picked up on the snarky comment about the kid's colourful plate of food (how is that a bad thing worthy of snark?!) and thought that, if the mom is under medical care, she would be taught good nutrition. Other commentators have pointed out that OP explicitly stated that his wife researched childhood nutrition! Personally, I don't see even a small chance that the grandparents had valid reason to be concerned that the kids were malnourished
For the bra one I think NTA because the sister is in the bridal party. Usually, the bride says, "here's the outfit I want you to wear." So a bra just seems like part of the outfit. If she doesn't want to wear what the bride wants her to wear (or a compromise like tape), then she can just not be in the wedding. I also don't understand why she didn't buy a dress that fit right (if she's constantly adjusting it, then it doesn't fit right).
I agree with you Shaaba about the last one. I'm non-binary and I would hate if someone told me that I had to wear a bra for anything (afab). I think that everyone should wear what they are comfortable in, and I would be severely triggered if someone forced me to wear one.
Just personally, but I find ultimatums much more acceptable when the person giving them is standing up for themselves. Such as in an abusive, or unhealthy parent situation, if the kid is giving an ultimatum on literally just being treated like a human being that's completely fine because their autonomy has already been compromised. The boundaries of that can still be blurry however, and I think it's hard to draw a complete line when many situations involving ultimatums are super complicated and often represented from a similarly 100% or nothing perspective. I watched a little further and I think you were saying it very well. When someone is giving an ultimatum in order to stand up for themselves, it is basically saying "respect my boundaries or I'll protect myself from further harm" and while that is technically an ultimatum, it's a very different kind. If someone is giving an ultimatum for their own personal gain, and using it to manipulate someone else into crossing their own (the person being presented with the ultimatum) boundaries, that's when I feel that it absolutely isn't okay.
1:08 It has been said that 'we only dream about what we know,' meaning what we see in our dreams is based on things we've encountered before; and in the context you're refering to: you're dreaming about people you've seen before, and therefore not making them up. This notion has been disputed, as we can dream about things that don't exist in reality, and therefore there is no previous experience for it it to be something we know in order to dream about it.
For the bra story I think I disagree with you, but in a way where I agree with the general sentiment of let people where what they want. I also came from a home that has left me really self conscious about how much I am showing in my clothes, even now at almost 30. In this situation it feels less like she is dictating what her sister should wear, not shaming her for dressing provocatively, and more like she is concerned that there will be a wardrobe malfunction and is trying to avoid it. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she either isn’t aware of alternative options, or that she didn’t mention them but already discussed those with her sister. Either way, she is not really dictating what her sister wears, because she let her pick whatever dress she wanted, and is not trying to get her to change her dress. She is informing her sister of her concerns about the possible wardrobe malfunction, and is making a suggestion for a way to prevent it, even offering to cover the cost, knowing that it would be for her own peace of mind more than anything. She is not giving an ultimatum or threatening to kick her out of the wedding, just micromanaging a bit. So I don’t think there are any a-holes here, and I think she needs to just take a step back and trust her sister to manage her own chest. She might just be stressed and on edge, worrying about everything that could potentially go wrong. Now I’m just projecting, because I had a stress dream last night about my wedding plans all getting messed up.
I agree with Shaaba, but I also agree with this side of the story and I am glad you pointed it out. It could very well be she is just stressed and wants her wedding to go perfect, which includes avoiding a potential wardrobe mishap.
I'm gonna say NAH on that final story. I agree with the comment saying she should request other options. She has every right to set the dress code for her wedding; it's not policing what people wear to ask someone in your bridal party to do something. Forcing her or getting mad at her about it would've made her the asshole, though.
I was a guest at a wedding just this Saturday. I wore an extremely low cut formal evening gown with no bra. I do not have massive boobs, but I'm plus sized and a nip slip was definitely possible, even inevitable with vigorous movement. The playlist included quite a few pop punk, emo, and screamo songs from our highschool years, which got everyone on the dance floor. Jumping, fist bumping, and screaming along was enjoyed by all. You know what I did? One hand went up in the air to fist bump, and the other instinctively went to my chest to hold the girls in while I jumped and screamed along with my friends. I was not alone in this unconscious securing of my boobage, and an old friend of mine even started laughing and giggling at me in a good natured "I know the struggle" way when she noticed me wrangling the girls while dancing and having fun. This is not an uncommon experience, nor is it something the bride needs to worry about, and I'm glad she decided to stop giving it rent free space in ger brain.
Regarding the last one, there are two things at play. First, the very idea that a "nip slip" for a female is indecent and something that all women want to avoid is inherently sexist and in no way universal. In MANY cultures in the world (especially in the past but even today), exposure of breasts is treated exactly the same for both men and women. Just because it's a very common social norm, doesn't make it not-sexist. However, I also recognize that if you're hosting an event, you're allowed to set a dress code, and if you want, exclude those who don't follow it. If everyone is required to cover their nipples, then I don't see that as sexist in that context. Ironically, in most formal settings, I think men have a much stricter set of societal rules as to how much of their bodies can be shown. When have you ever seen formal wear for a man that exposes their shoulders? Or even feet? Let alone upper chest or midriff? If you disagree that the hosts are allowed to set a dress code like this, would you think it's okay to go completely nude? I think some might try to make the argument for indecency, that anything should be allowed as long as it's not "indecent", but that's entirely subjective. There are nude weddings after all, in which the hosts clearly don't think it's indecent to show up naked (but perhaps anything explicitly sexual might be). I think it all comes down to, the hosts are allowed to set their own boundaries as to dress code and are allowed to exclude you if you're not willing to follow it.
I agree, but in that case I also think it was OP's responsibility to say they didn't want revealing dresses up front before people started buying dresses for the event. The way OP talked about the situation and responded to some comments made it sound like they assumed that this was obvious rather than communicating clearly.
I completely agree, a reasonable take. We have cultural norms and traditions, which basically are just a set of rules for what is decent and what is rude or indecent. They don't have to make sense. Shaking hands is weird af, but in some contexts it's rude not to
I agree that men's formal clothing options are more limited, but that kind of makes it simpler. I can wear my black two piece suit to anything, I just change what shirt and tie to fit the occasion. When my niece got married I wore a tie that matched the bridesmaids' dresses (she sent me a fabric sample), for a funeral it's white shirt and black tie. (At my Dad's funeral I also wore my fanciest waistcoat because we always tried to outdo each other with the brightest, most colourful waistcoats.)
I think the ultimatum one was very healthy and respectful. They offered two reasonable choices - allow the mom to bring her own food as she used to do, or only have visits that don't include eating dinner. The unhealthy version of that ultimatum would be "You must cook exactly to my specifications or I will never allow you to see your grandchildren again."
Thank you so much for properly explaining sensory processing disorder, as you said it really is often overlooked as just an ‘annoyance’, when it really does cause significant distress, it’s not the same for everyone but it can completely destroy someone’s life even without it being so heavily dismissed.
I get what your saying about clothes being sewn for different body types. There are lots of styles of pants that will bunch and hang awkwardly if i got them off the rack simply cause my legs and hips arent what the designers had in mind. I handle this by sewing to take things in and adjust bits so it looks fine, but its a very real thing to pay attention to.
I think the wedding one depends on the climate of the wedding and who's there. There may be a few people who will make a fuss about it and its not fair for the bride to deal with drama on her wedding day. (Even more so if anything happens.) However, it is tricky and a compromise should at least be discussed. Ex: Not doing any excessive movement, wearing a undershirt or like Shaaba said, wearing tape.
I think when you're part of a wedding party, not just an attendee, the bride and groom CAN dictate what you wear. If bride wants to ensure her sister won't have a nip slip, sister needs to do SOMETHING to ensure that. I've always been large up top since puberty and I had a dress very similar to what was described when I was 18. My grandmother sewed a little teardrop crystal where the crossing panels met so it looked intentional but the panels couldn't shift and let anything through. That right there, possibly plus some pasties, would be a perfectly acceptable way to wear that dress and not wear a bra.
I absolutely appreciate the "you can't dictate what someone else wears" sentiment, but I feel like this is also a matter of respecting the other wedding guests. Whether we like it or not, our society has sexualized women's bodies so much that it feels inescapable at this point, so even if it's not framed in a way that "oh no, you can't show your boobs because that makes you slutty" or whatever, having boobs on show can be considered partial nudity. And the dress has been described as objectively at high risk of boobs popping out, so it feels like it's a reasonable concern. I wouldn't want to see someone half-nude when I haven't consented to it - and that's what I would be at risk of if I attended that wedding xD
I totally agree. And I come from a place where people wear revealing bikinis at beaches, or maybe even nothing at the nude beaches and saunas. The sister has to consider the other guests as well, she should take measurements to ensure she does not flash anybody, like tape, or a bra. Since the risk is clearly high they might slip out. And everyone else has not consented to be exposed to that on that day. Why is the sister so against keeping the cargo safe?!
@@ethan_the_alien Um, I wear a G-cup and it is super easy to dress so that my boobs don't have the slightest risk to popp out of my clothes: Just don't wear a super deep neckline. If course, it's impossible to hide that a person has big breasts, but it's also impossible for the boobs to get out if the neckline isn't deep.
@@ethan_the_alien when they say its nudity theyre referring to the nipple popping out, not the cleavage. and its not about free the nipple, the bride said she wouldn't let men be shirtless either. I agree with the free the nipple principle and i think bodies should be desexualised but its not appropriate at every event to have woman *or* man tits out. would it be the same conversation if she showed up shirtless in just a skirt? why is it different to not take any precautions to not let your titty fall out than to not bother wearing a top in the first place? either way its her body, her choice, isnt it? i feel like we need to be consistent.
22:41 yeah, double sided tape and or just putting a few stitches in a matching thread colour into the part of the front where it crosses over in the front after you put it on for the wedding so the front pieces don’t shift apart as you move, that would make me worried a lot less about the dress falling off while I was dancing, and if it’s more about being able to see nipples through a dress that isn’t as opaque as you thought it was when you bought it to an event where showing nipples isn’t appropriate, there’s always nipple cover stickers to give the impression that your dress has a flesh coloured lining. A lot of formal dresses have breast support built in to the dress, they often have corset boning moulded foam cups or shelf bras, and that really can effect who can wear what dress, because if the built in bra is the wrong size, even if the rest of the dress fits perfectly, you’re going to have to take it into the seamstress to have the bra part cut out in a way that doesn’t let the fabric unravel.
12:48 my sister's partner has trouble eating a lot of foods and when they eat it for medical reasons, if my family started to get upset at them for not eating what we brought (they we already knew they couldn't eat anyways) and how little they do eat I would get pissed at them too, it isn't okay and sometimes it isn't something that can be solved quickly especially in this case
Psychologist here; your brain absolutely can generate a completely new face in your dreams or just in your imagination. The same way you can make up any other object or scenery that has never actually existed before in your mind.
20:40 love your suggestion with the tape! I'm trying to teach myself to look behind the rule someone (or myself) sets up. If you say "You are not allowed to go braless!" that's not actually the underlying reason, that's just *one* strategy to reach a goal. The goal is "don't flash people accidentally at my wedding" or even "i don't want to worry that you might be seen flashing accidentally, or end up in wedding photos like that". with THOSE, you can actually move on to *other* strategies to fulfill a goal! * using tape * wearing some sort of undergarment that's not a bra There's probably other strategies, too. If it's more about OP's *worry* than about the sister actually getting embarrased or sth, then another line of questions might be like, why does this even bother me so much? OP seems to not just worry about the potential nip slip, but also about how it looks to not wear a bra under the dress in the first place.....😮
As someone who has a sensory prossesing disorder and some other issues I always get super invested when I hzar someone else does too, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I once met this girl who had Developmental cordination disorder and also sensory processing disorder, besides that we had alot of simulair intrests, so when we talked and I found out about her having the same disorders I was schocked, we instantly bonded mire over it, sadly I don't really get to chance to see her that much anymore, she is not really a close friend I met her through her older brother who I was in theatre with, we had only hanged out 2 times but it still kinda sucks we have almost no contact
13:30 Boundary: if you do things that make me feel extremely bad, i will remove myself from this situation to protect myself (or in this case, my loved ones). Ultimatum: I'm trying to be bossy about how YOU behave (on something that does not actually cause me harm) to assert control.
Hi! I have hypersensitivity to certain things, mostly food, which can be inline as well with sensory processing. When you mentioned gloves it suddenly just hit me that my weirdest one might be that. I absolutely hate having nail polish on my nails (specifically in my hands), I've even googled if you can scientifically have sensitivity in your nails (you can't), but I swear to god I feel the weight and the tightness of the nail polish! It's a very bizarre sensation that no one in my life has even been able to understand.
#2 If they know the wife has eating requirements and then make nothing she can eat, that sounds deliberate. Now that she's a parent suddenly she can't have sensory disorders?? Wtf?
Petition for anyone who forces their child to wear cloths that are uncomfortable to the point of stretching/adjusting to the point of pain/panic (I still sometimes have problems with that even if I choose cloths comfortable to me) to wear the scratchiest woollen cloths, one size too small, in existence for a week and see how they like it. As a child, being FORCED to wear cloths that make you constantly try to adjust cloths that don't feel/sit right and hurting yourself as a result, or the feeling that the texture of the fabric is digging into you taking up all of your mental faculties, is downright HELL.
I think when ultimatums contain choices, they're setting boundaries. When it's an all or none single option, it's a true ultimatum. Boundaries can be very necessary. Ultimatums can come from an angry, selfish place meant to cause harm or anguish.
In regards to sensory disorder food person AITA: My parents have told me that, when I was little, I went through various picky phases, and my parents asked my pediatrician if it was something to be concerned about. What the pediatrician told them was that, at a pretty young age, the main goal of my body was to just grow, and that almost anything I ate would facilitate that. So if I was only willing to eat mac and cheese, the important thing was that I was eating. The phase would pass with a normal amount of encouragement and structure. I am currently a healthy adult with a fairly open palate. I have some food preferences that play into my diet, but not at all in any significant or unhealthy way (I detest cooked salmon and struggle with shellfish if it's not sufficiently incorporated into something else, but eat other foods that contain the nutrients that those foods contain).
The eating disorder sounds like ARFID to me rather than anorexia nervosa. Sensory disorders are very common alongside ARFID. And loved ones saying ANYTHING about their diet can be very very triggering and painful and needs to not happen. I agree with your point about building boundaries vs setting ultimatums.
When I was around sixteen, I had the cushiest babysitting gig for a lovely neighbor family. They paid me nearly as much for playing board games with and reading for two perfectly-behaved little girls (and inevitably dozing off on the couch after putting them to bed) for like 2-4 hours as OP received for an entire weekend of minding an INFANT, which is way more work [and also involves poop.] OP’s family was getting an absolute steal and should have been thankful for their generously taking care of OP’s nephew practically free of charge. 💩
In my opinion, it's completely legitimate to set some rules for your wedding guests about clothes - something like "festive" or "not too revealing". I'm not a fan of demanding certain colours for the guests, but everyone is okay with not wearing a long white dress on other people's wedding because there are lots of alternatives, and there are lots of alternatives to revealing clothes, too, though they are quite trendy right now. Appropriate for everyday life is not the same as appropriate for a wedding. I would agree that people can wear whatever they like but not to OTHER people's personal (not public) events. If someone wishes to wear a certain type of clothing that the couple does not find fitting for their wedding, that person can throw their own party and wear whatever they like ;) Tape might be a solution but as far as I know, it does not work for everyone and some people don't like the feeling.
I agree. If they were going to a public place it’s up to the sister. But I think that it is part of the dress code of a wedding to dress “smart”. As in you can still wear the elegant evening gown but there is an expectation not to show underwear or flash people 😂 it would literally be the only thing people would remember about OP’s wedding and it’s her shindig. She can set whatever boundaries she likes. The sister can choose to respect them or not. I think some adjustments to the dress or other precautions (my mom sewed a cut up bra to a corset when I had a halter backless dress I was much more comfortable than I’d feel if I was having to feel myself up during my sister’s wedding
For my wedding, I kept being told to not wear a bra with my outfit. Really annoyed me because it was making me self-conscious about something that was actually hardly noticeable. Boob and bra policing is something that really makes me angry, everyone is built differently and has different comfort levels and needs. Let people be comfy wear what they want! I did wear the bra at my wedding, no-one noticed, I was comfortable and looked fantastic ✨️
Bad textured food can make you vomit or the ability to swallow just goes away and you choke, it takes ages to feel okay again after. Not accommodating food needs is torture.
I watch this every Monday after school and it gives me something to look forward to (but please don't feel pressured to keep making them if you don't want to)
I watch these videos feeling like a nodding dog - my answer to "AITA?" is pretty much always "what Shaaba said". Also, that top looks fantastic on you!
I am a solo mum to two children (one who has had an eating disorder but is in recovery and one has autism and sensory processing issues) I agree with OP. Recovery from an ED is not linear it is an absolute rollercoaster. And Sensory processing disorder is no walk in the park. Having both of them must be an absolute nightmare. We used to take food my daughter would and could eat or she would just choose what to eat. My Mum always made sure there was something that my son would eat (and it was always balanced and healthy.). My MIL would try and force my son to eat foods he just couldn't eat and when he wouldn't would try and force my daughter to make him eat it and when she couldn't would get cross with her. My husband died when my kids were 2 and 9. They are now 19 and 26.
Just want to say you look stunning in your top. My son was an extremely picky eater with an aversion to certain foods, so I just kept trying with different things. He is 26 now and because he was never forced into eating foods he disliked, he is now willing to try different foods. Being understanding and patient is a priority when dealing with children. I hope that couple continue working with their therapist and dietician and that his family just back off
As someone with SPD who grew up undiagnosed I totally feel for the mom in that one because I was fortunate enough to grow up in an accommodating household where my parents would make a meal with accommodations for me so that I could either pick around something I didn’t like or have my own portion before it was included. Even though they didn’t know the cause of my struggles they understood how hard it was for me and how much of an easy going natured person I was despite that and they didn’t want to make things worse for me because it just wasn’t worth the energy to them. I was also fortunate to love vegetables, poultry, and rice however so it was always easy for them to find ways to make different meals but still not have to put much extra effort into accommodating me in the process, for instance if the family was having steak, rice, and green beans they’d simply make me a piece of chicken to have with the rice and green beans instead. I’m sorry for that person’s struggles and trauma surrounding food and I hope things get better for them!
The second one reminds me of a situation with my. Nieces and my dad. My folks grew up with very little so you ate every thing on your plate one dinner the girls ate every thing on their plates other thAn the tomato’s my dad insisted they eat the tomato’s end results three girls in tears. I have a rule you must try every thing on your plate if you try it and don’t like it you don’t have to finish it
@@50shadesofbs81I actually can imagine faces very clearly in my minds eye. Both made up by myself, and faces of people I know in real life. I have a very hyper visual minds eye. I do however lack the ability to see or hear words and numbers in my head. So swings and round abouts. 😊
Shaaba I love love love that you started making these videos longer! Monday's are difficult for me but I've made your videos into a "ritual" so when I come home exhausted from everything I always really look forward to watching your newest video. When they were shorter I used to replay them twice in a row just so I can make myself get unready and eat while listening to my parasocial friend lol. Someday I'll start a petition for your videos to last an hour! I'm only partly joking lol. But seriously thank you for putting so much effort, you're making my days better and your voice always calms me down. Thank you!💜
Actually, this exact photo of you in your top (which really is a georgeous top btw) made me more confident in wearing something similar during my holiday this year. So thank you for that ❤
14:28 the story about the grandparents and the eating/feeding, I would say, even if the OP is not feeding the kids well, OP's wife's parents are not the ones to tell her. They've done such harm already. They have no grounds to comment.
To me, there isn't necessarily a difference between setting a healthy boundary and giving someone an ultimatum. Instead, I would contrast setting healthy boundaries with manipulating people to do what you want them to.
ok but the first one is wild to me bc like,, I noticed shaaba called OP a woman but,, they're 17. I'm sorry but that is still a child. and I get that not all people mature at the same speed and everything, but I don't know that I would leave an infant with a 17yo for multiple days while being out-of-town. not that a 17yo can't be responsible but taking care of a kid isn't easy, especially when it's a baby, and if it was just like for a few hours for date night or smth sure that's fine, but that's so much stress and anxiety and responsibility to put on someone who is also still a child themselves (not implying that teenagers are the same as babies ofc but they're also definitely not full grown). anyway all of that aside, it makes no sense to me that OP's mother was so upset at them for taking what was actually quite a small amount of money given the amount of work they were doing tbh, especially because it seems like OP was never "expecting" a payment of any kind. imo, regardless of them being family or not, I believe the parents should pay at least something for OP's time and effort (because again, it's not like this was babysitting for a few hours for date night, this was an entire weekend OP gave up to do this, assuming they were not in fact going to be paid, and the parents couldn't even be bothered to make sure they had food in the house). I did the math and $80 for 2 days of caring for an infant is literally $1.67/hr. that's like the bare minimum the sibling deserves tbh. also, just a side note, but I'm curious if the mother would have expected the same sacrifice of time and effort had the teenager in question been male rather than female. 🤔 because I have a feeling it would not have been expected of a 17yo son/brother to sacrifice a whole weekend to care for a baby with no compensation. edit: so the bra thing...I have a few points to make. firstly, weddings are notorious for having sometimes very extreme dress codes, and when you RSVP to a wedding, you are agreeing to adhere to that dress code, no matter if it's country western themed or black tie. I think it's also important to note here that it is not cheap to pay for all of the things guests usually get for free at most weddings (food mainly but often alcoholic drinks and possibly other things as well), and I think it's fundamentally disrespectful to the people getting married to agree to their request for proper attire only to then go "sorry no I'm just going to wear whatever I want even though I was specifically given the dress code probably months in advance." (to be clear though, OP is crossing a line by trying to force their sister to specifically wear a bra, but I think they have the right to request the sister choose another dress or find some sort of other solution, like the tape shaaba mentioned) secondly, while I understand how people might assume OP is acting on internalized misogyny (and that's entirely possible, I obviously don't know them personally), I wanted to point out that in my consideration of YTA vs NTA, I have come to believe that it's actually an issue of consent, rather than "decency" or "appropriateness." because all social settings come with expectations right? for example, let's say I'm going to the beach. I would expect to find people showing a lot more skin, maybe nipples, or even more if it's a nude beach. and by going there knowing that people will be wearing less covering clothing like swimsuits, it would be unreasonable for me to get upset or try to force my own idea of "appropriateness" or "modesty" on everyone there if I was someone who disliked seeing people's bodies less covered. However, let's say I'm going to a really nice restaurant and they have a dress code that includes things like you must wear a shirt and shoes, would it be unfair or oppressive for the staff to refuse me service if I showed up wearing a open bathrobe and no shoes? of course not. I don't think it's fair to call OP sexist for saying that it would be "inappropriate" for their sister to wear an outfit that's likely to end up with her flashing unsuspecting wedding guests. I'm sure the rest of the family doesn't want to see that and it's not because boobs are offensive or inherently sexual, it's because they didn't go to a wedding with a formal dress code and expect to see nipples of any kind.
On the food one---it really sounded like it's only the mom that has a limited diet, and family was mocking her because even the child was eating more variety than her. It really sounded like there was no actual concern over the child beyond maybe them seeing their moms limited diet and becoming a picky eater "like her" (quotes because it's not just her being picky but it sounds like thats how the family may be perceiving it.)
yes, this is how I understood it as well
Yes, and another interpretation, given OPs wife couldn't even handle making foods that had stuff she can't eat also raises the possibility that OP isn't feeding his kids properly and letting their wife's issues take priority over their kid's health
As someone with sensory issues I relate so much to these conflicts.
Yes this is what I thought too
@@GraveyardMaiden i dont think that sounds right though, they talk about how "colorful" the childs plate is which is generally considered a good thing, ive never heard that used negatively, and this is all in the context of family dinners where the grandparents are cooking so i dont see how that would make sense. i also dont remember hearing that she cant cook meals that dont contain food she cant eat, could you point that out to me? and its a two parent household, so even if she cant cook it he should be able to
I think the big clue about the kids nutrition is the remark "look how colorful the plate is." This tells me the kid has a much more varied amount of foods on their plate vs their mom's. It's generally thought that eating many different colors of food gives you a better chance of getting the range of nutrients you need. Unless it was a plate of skittles, it sounds proper.
Totally agree. I also have never heard that used negatively. It sounds like they're using it as a negative comparison to the mom.
@@cassandrawhite633 yeah it's like, "look your 3 year old is better than you, you bleep bleep!"
I also think there’s a chance maybe it’s something like a lot of foods that are good but maybe don’t fit into one cohesive meal. So the moms like oh my god chicken potatoes cucumbers and orange slices what?!?
I also wonder if she was being sarcastic meaning the kids plate was one color
Story 2: The family saying the wife should be "over it" by now means they either don't understand or never respected her Sensory Processing Disorder. Its a Disorder! It's a life long thing, as far as I understand (my SPD is linked to my Autism, which is life long)
SPD absolutely sucks. I'm really sensitive to loud noises and bright lights. When I was younger, this was a lot worse and I'm able to "control it" better (in the sense that I don't completely avoid things or cover my ears and cry) but I still struggle. For example, if a fire truck goes by I'll cringe. I don't think a lot of people understand SPD, which is sad, and just believe that those who have it are overreacting.
Yes! Agreed! Sensory processing disorder can be managed and you can learn to navigate uncomfortable sensory experiences, but the disordered processing of stimuli doesn’t go away!
Not to mention the history of eating disorders! That's not something you necessarily (or ever?) just get over.
(um, not that you do with SPD, obvs)
Yes exactly! I’ve had bad sensory sensitivities for many senses my whole life, and tbh, they’ve gotten worse rather than better as I’ve gotten older
While policing how a person dresses is crap, a request from the bride to take measures to avoid nip slip/titty pop-out is well within reason. There are so many things one can do. Maybe a stitch or two to the dress would help her not have to tug. To be clear, I do not think one can ask a person to wear a bra. Period.
That's what I was thinking; like, she doesn't need a bra but I feel like she should do something.
I also feel like, this dress likely was picked out by OP because bridesmaids dresses often are. In this case, OP should have considered her sister's thoughts on the dress choice, knowing it's hard for her to find clothes.
There's many reasons someone may not want to wear a bra, and you are totally right that there are other options. From my own experience, I know that sometimes for big-chested people it's embarrassing to even talk about this with others, so maybe the sister has something else in mind and just doesn't want to talk about it with OP.
Either way, yeah this one riled me up lol
@@emmacurtis2270I think the story said OP just picked a color and let the bridesmaids pick their own dresses
This story really sounds like the bra is not the issue. The nip slip is the issue. The sister was really asking for a nip slip prevention measure. That's a totally reasonable ask.
@@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse Ahh I missed that. Thanks!
OP wasn't expecting money for babysitting. She didn't demand money or even discuss it in advance, it was a surprise gift. If the grandma is aware of that but still puts the blame on the person accepting the money rather than the person offering it, she is the A-hole.
I would say in general if you take something you are offered you are NTA, except when it’s involuntary or the person feels pressured to do so. But otherwise: They chose to offer you something, meaning they gave you the green light to accept it. There are even some situations where people would be considered rude for turning down an offer. Besides it’s not the grandma’s place to comment on this situation she has nothing to do with
@@alexelion7084 Exactly, I think after the money had been offered twice it would have been uncomfortable to turn it down.
For the second story, something OP mentioned was that the mother did research to make sure her kids would be able to eat healthy- "My wife has educated herself a lot on food, childhood diet, and how to healthily and joyfully introduce new foods to kids." (10:02) I think that based off this, she makes sure her kids eat well even if she can't manage it for herself. The family is completely the AHs here.
YES! I was sad Shaaba seemed to miss that part.
@@cassandrawhite633 I was too, but it seems a lot of people did as @capturingsol was the dirst comment I could find mentioning it.
Yeah, the mother seems to have preferences or some form of dietary issue. Which can be for various reasons especially medical. The family is just being AHs and so many families have the tendency to be AHs in this situation.
Exactly!!
$80 for 48 hours is less than $2/hour.
Also, it maybe family, but it's a contract between siblings and none of ma's business.
Also, I feel like “Family members should do each other favors” doesn’t extend to 17-year-olds spending their entire weekend watching other people’s children.
For a couple of hours? That could be a favor.
Grandparents sitting? Possibly a favor.
Having the kid stay with an adult sibling with a house/ kids of their own? Also could be a favor.
I feel like OP went enough out of the way that she should be paid (I think the reduced rate is fine though), and $80 is way less than I’ve been paid for overnight dog sitting.
12:57 The thing is, often times, drawing a boundary IS an ultimatum. Ultimatum does not automatically mean a bad thing.
I think you’re partially right, but it depends upon which side of the boundary you’re on whether or not it’s a positive thing to experience.
Parents and superiors giving ultimatums and boundaries that don’t make sense feel good to them but not to the person they’re trying to control, for example.
And me setting a boundary for myself sets me up for success but other people will feel negatively about it sometimes. Not my problem, my health matters, but boundaries and ultimatums are complicated and lumping them all under one cover is not ideal.
There are some boundaries that aren’t ultimatums. There are people who will turn a boundary given into an ultimatum because they refuse to accept it and try to test it. And there are some people who give boundaries as ultimatums because they’ve been hurt too many times.
But a boundary isn’t de facto an ultimatum when it’s treated with respect.
Basically, giving a boundary isn’t like saying “it’s my way or the highway” which is either positive or negative. Creating a boundary is a matter of designating a line you can’t tolerate being crossed and if someone crosses it you have the power, as the boundary setter, to say whatever you want in response. Actions having consequences is different from an ultimatum.
@cexilady3333 Uh... sure. Hence why I said "often times". Some examples: either stop hitting me or we break up. Either stop bullying me or we cant be friends anymore. Either respect my house rules or dont come over anymore. By definition, those are ultimatums, but they are valid ultimatums. Let's not pretend they aren't... a square is different from a rectangle, but it's still by definition a rectangle. Same idea.
@@fantasystaplesuwu1554 I completely missed the “often times” whoops!!!
I thought I saw a generalisation and was like “valid point but nuance”
It sounds like the dress the sister chose would be impossible to wear a bra with without the bra itself being in full view. I do think that it would be considerate of the sister to wear *something* to keep from falling out, but that's just me. As a big tiddied girlie, it's extremely annoying to have to keep tugging and adjusting at your clothing to ensure that you're not falling out during the the entire event. A good quality set of stick-on bra cups would probably solve the entire issue. No bra, no nip slip, no drama!
Big titties girls unite!
I was thinking the same! Those stick-ons can be so convenient, even though I hate the feel of them. There's more options than bra or no bra :v
Sounds like she chose her own dress though. So she obv is choosing to have to tug at it. Nothing wrong with it, it would be wrong if she didn’t give a damn and let everything show, but she’s not. She’s readjusting it regularly, so she knows and has chosen how to handle it ! Let her handle it how she chooses as long as it’s handled !
For that last one. I think it would have been better to just ask her sister to please do what she can to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. It doesn't matter how she does it, whether it's a bra, or tape, or stick-ons, or a different dress. It's not really a case of, "you have to wear a bra," but, "I don't want to see any of my guests' nipples during my wedding."
I guess I'm curious what you think of dress codes in general, like fancy restaurants that don't want anyone wearing jeans/shorts etc?
Yes! I think it’s totally reasonable to have a dress code like that. It’s more about the result, i don’t really care how everyone gets there.
Sister already IS doing that. She’s readjusting it regularly. She has chosen how to handle it, OP is just not ok with how sister chose to keep it under control and thinks sister should do what SHE would. Which makes it a YTA for me.
TW: ED
As someone who had an eating disorder in high school and has sensory issues, I completely understand having limited foods that are considered "safe." The family making fun of the wife there can very much set back her progress and mess up the balance she's managed to find between eating well and eating at all. If there's something I can't eat because of my sensory issues, I already feel bad enough saying the texture is awful but, if someone decided to tease me for it, I wouldn't eat at all for that meal which is far worse than just accepting that I can't eat certain foods and to avoid them.
So much this. Like, not only will those comments hurt the kids to hear, even if they're not directed at them. They also could massively be messing with the wife's recovery. This guy is absolutely not the asshole.
On the clothing story, the "controversial" opinion that I think Shaaba expresses is that OP doesn't (apparently) have the right to say "I'm not comfortable with this at my formal event." Is the sister free to wear that dress without bra? Absolutely! But then OP is free to say "I'm not comfortable with you wearing that to this event without a bra" and the sister can decide if she wants to attend the event with a different dress, attend the event with that dress and a bra, or not attend the event. If someone had come to my wedding in shorts and a bra and nothing else, I would have thrown them out, not because I thought they shouldn't be allowed to wear that in general, but because I wouldn't have wanted that at MY WEDDING. This OP has said they aren't willing to throw their sister out for this disagreement, and that's great. I'm glad they are close enough for this not to destroy their obviously good relationship. But OP DOES have the right to say "I'm concerned that you will break my dress code with that dress (because of accidental slippage), can you do something to avoid that, please?" OP clearly doesn't know of other options than a bra, but I bet she'd accept them if they were suggested (be it tape, a corset, or a different dress). The point is, it is NOT controversial to say "OP can't tell her sister that she has to wear a bra" in the general sense, but it is (I think) controversial to say "At this event where OP sets the dress code and makes the rules, she can't say that it's inappropriate for her sister to show up wearing clothes that are likely to break that dress code."
It's also a consent thing on the part of other guest in attendance. I had a roommate who used to flash her nipple piercing at people, many were uncomfortable, I got unfazed.
Yeah, weddings are generally considered the type of event where a bride DOES get to tell people what to wear. She sets the dress code for guests, directs bridesmaids what to wear and generally expects nobody to wear white.
Would Shaaba defend the sister if she wants to wear a white dress because it's her body her choice and no one can tell her what to wear? Probably not.
If the bride wants you to take measures to avoid a nip slip, I think it's a very reasonable request compared to banning an entire color for all guests at the wedding.
If a stranger, or even a friend, did that to me, without asking I'd be horrified. Not by the nip piercing, but the lack of respect for other people's boundaries inherent in showing me without asking if I wanted to see it.
If a nip slipped during OP's wedding ceremony, I think a lot of people would be embarrased for the sister or think it was funny. It could be seriously humiliating for the sister.
Thank you! This is exactly the problem I was having with the whole situation. It's fine for the sister to wear that dress braless anywhere else she wants, but it's OP's wedding, and OP is absolutely allowed to have certain standards about what is and is not appropriate attire. It doesn't sound like she's being nitpicky about it, either. She's seen her sister tugging at the top, clearly uncomfortable, and gone "hey let's do something about that so we don't have an accident and both get embarrassed by it."
So it would be allowed to ask a male guest with big tits to wear a bra?
I've heard the "can't make up people in your dreams" thing, and that does not make sense to me. A) How would you possibly test whether the person who SEEMS like someone you don't know (which I get all the time in my dreams) is someone you actually glimpsed briefly or not? B) We can imagine people we haven't seen (that's how artists and writers come up with characters)...so why wouldn't our brains do that when we're asleep, when dreams DEFINITELY come up with other stuff we haven't seen? I mean, my dreaming brain once generated a giant carnivorous otter with shelf fungus growing out of its side...which thankfully is NOT something I've ever encountered in real life!
Hard agree. It has several times been the case that someone in my dreams is obviously a combination of certain people. And all creativity is just combining known things in new ways. Even dreaming that i was a tiny dragon who was flight-carrying TV-s as my job at a moving company is a combination of known things.
Many times people in dreams feel like absolutely new people with me having a very clear sense of their personality. Just like the stories can be new despite combining known elements, so can the people.
The idea that you would get that clear of an understanding of some random person you passed on the street is way more of a stretch than just that people aren't that special when it comes to dreams. In my dreams, for example, animals can always talk as long as they are adults. And there is no way they are based on humans, they are very distinctly their species. Why would i be able to make up animal personalities and not human ones?
Yeah definitely agree. I think what I've heard that seems more reasonable, is that you can't imagine new features, but you can imagine them put together in different ways. That's hard to measure though so I'm not going to say it's totally correct unless I find a source. But I think it's sort of similar to how you can't really visualize a new color?
I've heard it before and while I'm not positive I recall correctly from my psychology classes in university but my understanding is that they have done a fair bit of brain imaging and test for creating different things and it never lights up the "creating" pathway when drawing/describing etc. a face but the "recall" one. The part I'm least certain of is the mix and match options - I think you can "create" a face but its never from scratch, its person A's mouth and nose but person B's eyes and ears with person C's hair, type of thing but I might be mistaken. So you're recalling these features just rearranging them.
@@HAnnB24 When i think about how it is for me when i'm drawing, it's because when I draw nature or animals more imprecisely, that's fine, but when I do that with people, it's kinda creepy. We have much higher standards for drawing human faces than anything else.
But i don't think this is really related to dreaming people in general. For example, I have aphantasia to a degree that even my dream people mostly don't have appearances, just vibes and personalities.
The in-laws in story 2: “It isn’t good for her to still have these problems after so long” Oh wow you’re right! Here we were working with doctors to try and treat this, silly us. She’s now magically cured because she ‘should be over it’! Because that’s definitely how mental health works 🙄.
If someone is kind enough to watch your child (especially for very little money), you should absolutely provide food for them! Hungry people can't focus. You want them to be on their toes, right?
I don't know I think it depends on the person watching the child. Whenever I go housesitting, for example, I bring food with me so I don't need people to leave any for me.
@@littlechickenman I guess that's true, but I think in OP's case, food should have been provided. They're a minor doing a favor for family, without an expectation of pay (and even when they were paid it was a very small amount for the work she did). Personally, I only expect food to be left when I'm staying for a long period of time, but I always make it a point leave it for others. I don't want to cost someone who's keeping my pets happy money.
Slightly different, but i petsit a lot and i include food in my fee. I dont them to come home to an empty fridge/pantry or try to make something out of whatever someone else considers staples. Also usually take my own spices. 😂
But in a situation such as this (also one ive been in several times), i would expect food to be available. Especially since OP wasnt expecting to get paid.
I looked into it and the "colorful" plate is that there is a bunch of different things. The wife likes to give the kids new things mixed with favorites.
So the wifes plate is simple but the kids have lots of options to try and enjoy.
They want the kids to try new things but don't want to force them to eat it if they don't want to so they just also include things they know the kids enjoy.
That first story hit home so hard for me. I had almost the same exact situation (almost 15 years ago now, so water under the bridge, but) with my sister and her kids. At the time she had 2, a toddler and an infant, and I was living with our parents in the same town, unemployed after dropping out of college. She had had a surgery so she wasn't out of town but she asked me to help look after the kids while she was recovering, so I did take on something like 99% of the care, of both her kids and also of her - I remember making food for her, keeping her kiddos fed and putting them to bed, etc. It was for a couple of nights and at the end of my stay, she offered me a check for $40 on the way out. We did the typical "I'd pay you more if I could afford it," "Oh no you don't have to pay me at all," but in the end she insisted and I took the money because I had no other income and I had debt payments that needed to be made. I learned later that she had complained that I even took the money at all.
As an autistic person especially, I never really understood the whole song and dance - if someone offers to pay you for a service, it just doesn't make sense to me for anyone to be an asshole for accepting it. It didn't really sink in for me until many years later (I felt guilty for a long time about that circumstance), but when I offered to help a friend with something and she offered to pay me, and I turned her down, she just looked me in the eye and said "Your time is valuable and our friendship doesn't make it less valuable," and that put a lot of things into perspective for me. OP's time is valuable - even if the going rate is more, the gesture of payment is still appreciated and it's not wrong to accept the money.
Agree with you (and your friend) 100%. Family can be the worst about stuff like this.
The bra story:
I agree about not forcing someone to wear a bra. However we do accept the concept of dress codes, including wearing a certain colour to a wedding and not showing up in a pair of sweatpants.
I think the difference is about objectification and sexualisation of women's breasts. Is that why the scenario feels different from a simple, reasonable dresscode?
I feel like people are very focused on the "has to wear bra" aspect, when in my opinion the real question is if the dress is wedding-appropriate even with a bra, if there is a lot of boob showing. In my experience, weddings tend to be quite formal events, so people shouldn't be dressing like they are going to a night club. Maybe not everyone cares about those things, but OP obviously does and it's her wedding. I don't think this many would have a problem, if the OP was asking can she demand her brother not to wear a low-cut wife beater to her wedding.
But it's same if a man were show up flashing his privates parts or nipples. I don't think we'd defend a man for showing up flashing those parts to a wedding because it's sexualization. Both men and women have sexual organ which are not appropriate to flash.
@@Tasha9315Breasts aren't a sex organ. They're a secondary sex characteristic like excessive facial hair. Comparing breasts to genitalia is just biologically inaccurate.
@@zhenia2511 Yeah but they're still a secondary sex characteristic that isn't proper to publicly display. I'd say the same of a man going shirtless to a wedding.
@@Tasha9315 I see your point and I very much agree, however, I don't think that shirtless men are seen as a sight of equal obscenity to a shirtless woman. Both are not appropriate for a wedding for sure, but let's keep it accurate.
In the food story I read it as the wife is being made fun of for the 3 year old having a more colorful/grown up plate than her
About the last story; I’m from a culture where most of us don’t give a damn about nudity but there is also a thought that dressing up good is to respect the event and people there. It’s also considered to be related to self respect.
For example we spent most bachelor/hen nights in saunas, totally naked and sometimes even the wedding reception end up in Sauna but there is “dress code” to every occasion.
So for me nta.
But you’re assuming sister is gonna flash. If she’s readjusting and not dancing hard, she won’t. This « what if » is unnecessary af.
As an addition for the SPD explanation - SPD can also encompass UNDER reactivity to certain sensory inputes, IE sensory seeking which can look like purposefully seeking out different tactile textures, fidgeting, enjoying various scents, etc.
26:46 dresscodes exist for a reason. that dress would be perfect for an evening out when the sis goes clubbing, but not for a formal event like a wedding. and op wasn't even making her sister choose a different dress or something - she just doesn't want to spend her entire wedding day worried that her sister might accidentally show her boobs to everyone in attendance. trust me, this is not a wedding memory you'd want to have
As someone who at 32 years old, just found out maybe 3 years ago my sensory issues, caused by my anxiety disorder and ocd, are not just a me thing to be bullied about... if anything those in laws are setting up their grandkids for having the same problems. Because when it comes to food, there are certain things, even as I've gotten more foods I can eat, their are some foods now I just can't pick up now to get myself to try because as a kid they were uses as "well you would love this if you tried it" not "try it you may like it" not "You never know it might taste good", always "you WILL like it" so even now as an adult there is something in my mind telling me if i try those and don't it means something is wrong with me for not. Logically I know that's not true, but it's a hurdle I can't get over. That 3 year old hearing her grandparents and aunt telling her mama that she eats funny, that these foods are better, when the kid seems the mom's options as happy options? Just gunna make her as she's older also only want to stick to those foods. I'm sure when at home and OP is helping feed the kid she gets things he eats as well, but having a 1 and 3 year old I'd guess they take turns handling the two and helping them eat, so the 3 year olds plate is safe for mom.
As someone who also has OCD/anxiety, I just wanted to send you massive hugs and support. I know how hard it is. OCD doesn't care about logic; neither does anxiety. And, unfortunately, people without OCD or an anxiety disorder don't always understand that. But I do, and I wanted you to know that you're not alone. (((((HUGS)))))
As someone with a large chest who hates bras with a passion, i never wear bras at home. However I do wear a sports bra when out and about, and always wear a bra to family events like meals out / birthday parties / more upscale events. I have never been to a wedding as an adult (I'm 29) but I know for a fact that I would wear a bra to a wedding.
I get it, it's a personal preference and personal comfort thing. And everyone has their own opinions and feelings on the matter. But for me, I think the op in the bra wedding story is NTA. I get where her sister is coming from, but seriously it's a wedding, it's one day, just wear the bra, although if the sister has medical reasons for not wearing one then my opinion would be different.
Why should she have to wear a bra though??? Boobs aren’t like genitals, they’re not made for sexy times, they’re made for FEEDING CHILDREN….she shouldn’t have to hide something that was never made to be looked at in the first place
@@Imjustkendall Unless this was a very informal wedding, it's usually expected that everyone ( men even more than women) cover their bodies. If the OP wanted to forbid her sister to breastfeed at her wedding, she would have been the AH, but that isn't the case.
I'm all for free the nipple, but there is a time and a place and your sisters wedding isn't it. And it isn't sexist, because men's chest area is also expected to be covered up at formal events.
My god yeah my giant boobs need to be reasonably covered and if I had testicles that were gonna dangle out of my shorts that would ALSO be a problem. CONTROL YOUR BITS.
Fellow large chested lady here, I also don't love bras but I honestly can't fathom how larger chested ladies can stand to not wear them while there out and doing stuff, I would legit be hitting myself and objects off tables if I let the girls free lmao
@@marieking2031 This! Like, I LOVE being braless at home. It's just an unnecessary piece of clothing at home. But outside the home I wear a bra cause of things like boob sweat, chaffing, too much movement being painful (like even just running to my car real quick or something), etc.
I can't imagine being comfortable in a dress like that when it does seem highly likely for my tit to fall out. Even if I wanted to wear the dress, I'd probably have it modified to fit me better, wear a bra, or at MINIMUM wear tape. I get that some people don't like bras, but there's a time and place for everything.
Okay so for the third one I’m leaning to NTA for two reasons.
1. If there is a dress code, follow it. No women should be sexualized, but regardless of gender if someone is wearing something like a t shirt, shorts, a less formal dress, something a bit more showy/flashy to a more formal wedding, not really following the dress code. Of course it’s a request not a demand, just common courtesy to follow it
2. She is the bride, she kinda has a say in what you wear if you are a bridesmaid. If you disagree just don’t be a bridesmaid. What you do with your tits is your business, just don’t accept a position where your role is to follow someone’s orders.
Does society inherit sexualize women? Yes. Is it right? No. But it’s a wedding and the bride is not making a crazy demand. I have big boobs but I would also die for my sister, so if she wants me to wear a bra and be kind of uncomfortable for ONE day so she is not stressed I might flash someone, I’m gonna do it
Completely agree. I think we would all be much more in agreement if, for example, the bride asked her sister to cover up tattoos when the rest of her attire is in accordance with the dress code. I think we could all agree that tattoos are a form of self-expression (funny enough, I think, with the understandable caveat that you don’t have a cock and balls or a naked lady with her tits and bush on full display, something violent / graphic, or something hateful / obscene etc etc), but even if you had your nips removed and boobs reconstructed after a double mastectomy and got beautiful tattoos over your tiddies, I still wouldn’t prefer my sister whipping them out on the dance floor. To me it’s also sort of a family boundaries thing, I don’t especially want to see my sister’s tits to begin with, but especially not at a formal and explicitly romantic event.
That second one 😨 I'm autistic, so I struggle with SPD, and then about three years ago discovered I have some sort of sensitivity to black pepper (it makes my mouth hot and itchy, feels like I get blisters, sometimes makes my throat itchy if its a lot). It's really messed up my relationship with food, which was a struggle to begin with. And this is something I'll have to deal with my entire life. You dont just "get over" trauma, especially with something that affects your day to day life, like food. That's a life long battle they're fighting. I'm glad husband respected his wife's struggles and set boundries to keep his familiy from damaging what work she's put into addressing her struggles.
For the third story (the wedding one) I would like to add that there is a possibility that tape is not a common thing where OP is. Personally I and my friends and acquaintances (I mostly asked AFAB people since I am currently the only one under the 🏳️⚧️ flag so couldn’t ask any MtF people) have no idea what that is and I actually had to look for it after you mentioned it so maybe OP just didn’t know that was an option.
In regards to the one where the wife has eating disorder, I see a lot of posts where people are basically saying to people with childhood trauma (be it an eating disorder, sexual or emotional abuse etc), well you’re an adult now so you should be over that trauma
Your sleeping brain actually can create people youve never seen, despite popular belief. However everything you dream of is loosely based on real things. This also varies depending on each individual brain, becoming especially complicated for people who dont mentally visualize when awake. Dreams are crazy things.
For me the last one feels like a no assholes here situation I don't think OP is the AH for wanting to avoid her sister having a wardrobe malfunction at her wedding and the sister isn't the AH for not wanting to be forced to were something she doesn't want to. They just need to come together and find a solution they are both happy with that isn't one or the other like body tape or body glue to keep everything where it should be.
I honestly don't get how OP trying to find a way to prevent her sis from having a wardrobe malfunction is some horrible crime against women. Like girl is at a wedding where it would be horrifying to have your tits fly out in front of a ton of strangers like that's like ripping your pants and having everyone see your underwear
Yes. I think the underlying issue is bodies shouldn't be inappropriate, but... that is a larger societal issue that needs to be worked on before no one bats an eye if a boob pops out on a dance floor... a wedding is so high stress. And that WOULD be an incident unfortunately. It shouldn't, but it would be.
@@ThaliaSky fair point, but that still doesn't magically change current social views and still is a rather mortifying situation to be in. Like consequences are still there, you know.
Lmao na. I wouldn’t care. I’ve had slips before. Just tuck them back in and move on.
What I do not like about the story is the assumption, that the sis is not able to control flaws. Like normally she knows her body best. And unless she is having regular incidents that suggest she does not know how to handle her body. One question"are you sure with this dress?" Should be enough for the issue.
@@flotenstimme4608 I mean given OP mentioned it's the first time her sis wore something like that dress so it's safe to assume the sis most likely would have needed help with it, because well, women aren't automatically programmed with some biological knowledge on how to solve issues like tits popping out of a dress n
If the sister is in the bridal party, she does need to follow what the bride wants to a certain extent.
As someone also with SPD and having been forced to sit at the dinner table while gagging (my parents truly believed that I was some spoiled kid trying to say I disliked the food, which considering the rest of my personality and the fact they didn't actually spoil me they should have known was strange, but didn't), I also developed a big issue with food, and specifically my dad making it for me as he seems to think even now that its just BS i came up with over food I dislike. As a specific example of a food I love but can only eat certain ways: tomatoes, i can eat tomato soup (the store bought very pureed kind) and pasta, but if tomatoes are not cooked well enough I will have the problem again and I can't eat tomatoes at all. I also can't eat most fruits which again explains why my parents thought I just didn't "want healthy food" or smth. And as a point along with your "parents messing with kids food choices based on their own," the reason my parents were so worried and annoyed with me not eating the food was that they both grew up in households that didn't take good care of them and had very cheap and unhealthy foods most often. And my dad is very proud of his cooking so I do understand why it is that they did it. But because they forced me to eat foods I couldn't, they passed on their own food insecurity to me.
To the point where in their house I do not eat their food. Ever. I still live with them (will be moving out soon) but you can see how this has caused problems for me.
If I was OP, I would not trust my kids with my parents as they have shown that they will choose to feed someone who I care about something they can't eat, and make fun of that person as well. To be quite honest, I would have chosen for my parents rather than give an ultimatum, by telling them they've broken mine and my wife's trust and that we won't be having dinner with them again until they can regain that trust. So in no way imo is OP the a*hole and based on the wife's interest in introducing foods to her children joyfully, I doubt the parents were concerned that it was "healthy" food. Especially based on the "colorful" comment on the kid's dinner plate, they are definitely giving the child a diversity of food and likely healthy food as well. I have seen the "colorful" comment before, specifically a few times to my dad who as I said before was interested in healthy and filling food for his kids. I've never seen that comment used for a non-healthy dish to be quite honest.
Ultimatum: a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations. According to that definition makes me think the second story was a ultimatum... but a reasonable one.
I think the most important part is how much power the ultimatum-giver has in the situation. If we are the underdog an ultimatum may be the best way to enforce boundaries. If we have all the power it's usually manipulative.
(Opinions on Food Issues OP and on Bra-Wearing OP below)
2nd one: I think the issue the family had was that they think OP's wife is setting a bad example for their kids. Wife is mentioned as having gone through lots of therapy and having a "team" for this issue, as well as having done lots of her own independent research on how to introduce children to new foods in order to encourage healthy relationships with food. That and the mention of the kid's plate being "colorful" (generally a good thing indicating variety on the plate) even when Wife's isn't makes me think that this is very much a case of the family needing to mind their own business. OP is NTA for setting a firm boundary.
3rd story: I'll be real with you, I completely get where OP is coming from, and I do think it's inappropriate to wear an outfit with a high chance of a "wardrobe malfunction" to an event like a wedding. That said, I think it also sounds like OP just might not know/have thought of alternatives such as fashion tape, bobby pins, stick on cups, etc and thus went straight to "maybe you should wear a bra?" -- if she's not as endowed or tends more towards modest clothes than her sister, it makes sense why she wouldn't think of those options first. The sister obviously doesn't have to wear a bra if she doesn't want to (I don't personally understand *why* she wouldn't want to, but to each their own), but taking some sort of precaution against a wardrobe malfunction is kind of the least you can do for a formal event. In any case, OP is NTA for at least asking, nor is she TA for being uncomfortable in the first place. She would have been if she was rude or very insistent about it, but she wasn't, so it's fine.
Shaaba the people saying "She can go bra-less but needs to wear appropriate things if that's her choice" are agreeing with you. Like you said there is tape or stick on bras that she could easily use, but it seems to be implied by the statement that she's constantly having to fix it, that she's refusing too do anything about the potential boob slippage. Which does make it inappropriate. Not because it's her boobs or any kind of sexist thing, but because she's being a stubborn mule and creating an awkward situation unnecessarily. When it can easily be fixed with the various things people have told her to do, but she (apparently) refuses and just wants to wear a dress with the potential of popping out for unknown reasons -_-' Plus OP isn't giving her an ultimatum of you either do this or don't come, she's just asking her and providing potential options, that the sister is refusing and being a stubborn brat about... so to me NTA.
I have SPD due to my autism, and it's caused a Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder that can be quite extreme. It doesn't matter what the food is. If she can't eat it, and the family KNOWS that she can't, it doesn't matter why she can't, it doesn't matter what it is.
With the bra one i think there are two conversations here. There is the one about it being her body and her decisions (which i completely agree with) AND there is the orher about it being OPs wedding and it is not abnormal for weddings to have dress requirements even without considering bras specifically. I dont think the bride is really an asshole either way because it feels like she is being intentional but also just doesnt want her sister's boobs out at her wedding which isnt a big ask.
The bra story is something I can understand OP on. NTA. Your rights ends where other peoples rights begin. Sister has a right to not wear a bra, however, everyone else has a right to not see her booba fly out of her dress and flash them. It can feel awful to be flashed and they did not consent to see that should it happen (which sounds like a high risk if OP is not exaggerating). Its your body your choice until someone else suddenly sees your nip-nip because your right to not wear a bra. The easy solution is to use something (a bra or tape) that will keep them in place instead of relying on not moving and hope to keep them from flashing.
I say this as someone with big boobas, who has no issues with nude beaches, nude saunas, etc, since its part of my culture. It matters with the when and how people see naked bodies. It can feel like an assault to be exposed to naked bodies at the wrong place, and a wedding is one of those places. "Please don´t play with fire and risk flashing my guests" is not a big thing to ask.
Agree. I wouldn't have that much confidence in a dress. At least wear pasties in the case of a flashing incident.
Lmao you don’t have the right to not see a nip slip. Grow up. Be a mature adult and look away.
@@magnarcreed3801consent is a thing
@@SuperJust4girls
For sexual things. A person existing as they are born is not sexual. That’s you viewing them sexually and a you problem.
Otherwise I didn’t consent to seeing your face so cover up. It’s distracting.
It's a bit much to say that a nip slip can be like assault. It's a boob, it's a normal body part, it's not inherently sexual; it's only sexual when the perciever thinks it is. It's not being shoved in anyone's face or presented erotically. You might be standing next to someone and oops! Oh well, they cover it back up and we all move on.
That being said, I agree that the bride is not asking a big thing. Bra, tape, stick-on bra pads, nip protectors: there are options. And especially for an event like a wedding that often have dress codes, it's not unreasonable to ask that measures are taken to prevent a slip.
It's not unreasonable for the first OP to accept money for babysitting. I even get paid for taking care of my family friend's dogs. She pays me 20 bucks a day and I don't stay with them the whole time or walk them everyday I'm there, only on the weekends. My parents expect me to be paid.
I found a comment you made at 7:30 fascinating. You said ultimatums remove agency, but they seem to do the opposite. If I'm being treated badly, and saying "Knock it off or I'm leaving" is unacceptable, that does mean staying and being treated badly, it means leaving. The ultimatum gives the person a last chance to save things that have already gone wrong. To me, it seems to give a person about to be cut-off a chance to decide to change their situation, giving them more agency.
edit: Apparently, we are in full agreement but use the word ultimatum differently!
I'm an adult with food sensory issues and I feel bad about it, I feel like a picky little kid, even my mom makes me feel bad about it but there's nothing I can do about it. I have found a lot of healthy food that feel nice to my mouth and am looking for cookbooks. That family sucks for interfering with someones parenting when nothing was wrong and mocking the woman's food sensory issues
Now wait a minute...the bride is allowed to be upset if someone wears a bride-colored dress to her wedding, but she's not allowed to be upset if someone introduces nudity to her wedding? I kind of feel like this sister knows her sister. She seems to be very understanding about the situation except that she also seems to be VERY afraid that her sister is going to flash everyone at her wedding. If she's not worried about her sister flashing everyone at a restaurant or at Thanksgiving, there must be something about the wedding situation that makes her extra afraid this will happen. The X-dress itself? Knowing how her sister dances? I feel like it's a bit dismissive to assume that her worries are for no reason, since she hasn't said "I hate that my sister never wears a bra", she's just extremely worried that her wedding is going to turn into a nipple show. I feel like if you're allowed to say nobody else can wear white/red/whatever color is traditional for the bride at a wedding, you're also allowed to say nobody is allowed to wear clothing that is a sneeze away from flinging nipples everywhere. Honestly, though, I wonder why she doesn't just TELL her sister "Omg I am so afraid you're going to be straight-up topless at some point in my wedding" and let her sister figure out how to reassure her that she won't.
Yep, I think the two best points in disagreement with Shaaba are:
1) okay, so then what if your mother or MIL wants to wear a culturally bride-reserved-color dress to your wedding? I think most people would agree there are event-specific cases where there is a dress code and it’s impolite not to respect that.
2) somewhat related to the first point, I think for me it’s a lot about family boundaries. Especially if you’ve experienced something like CSA, it’s normal to be uncomfortable with your sibling’s nudity. I don’t want to see my sister’s tits at my wedding any more than I want to see her husband in assless chaps.
I also think there’s something to be said for the immediate family of the bride breaking dress code being more uncomfortable than another guest or a plus one doing so, bc it reflects more directly on the bride herself / the wedding as a whole. I don’t think “please take steps to prevent your tits popping out at my wedding” is too much to ask of the bride’s sister.
Based on OP’s post, sister knows how to handle being braless, and does NOT have a history of flashing, or I’m pretty sure OP would have mentionned it. Therefore and based on this, this « what if » argument is completely moot. It’s just nitpicking.
Mocking ppl for their food choices is such a slippery slope. Esp. Someone dealing with limiting and slowing reintroducing foods while ALSO introducing foods to a very young child. The GPs sound like they don’t feel like it’s how they would do it and better, even when the parent is being guided by medical professionals. It just seems like they don’t want to help they just want to be right.
What makes me think it isn’t a issue with OP or spouse is OP has clearly learned and absorbed the best way to care for the problem. You hit the nail on the head that healing isn’t linear, so so so true!
hi! autistic here :) just wanted to comment on the sensory processing and overload bc for a lot of us its not just discomfort, its pain. honestly the sound of a vacuum or the feeling of sand on my skin is worse than cuts and bruises. other than that i loved how you explained it
Beyond the tape I'd even suggest pasties as a "last line of defense" kind of thing. Also, get thee to a tailor, at least check if there's any alterations that could help. Sounds like the dress doesn't fit right and there is only so much the tape can do.
My youngest has sensory food issues - we have a lot of anxiety around his limited diet and how skinny he is. His diet looks terrible for the outside, but we do the best we can to work within his boundaries and he continually tries new foods (even if most get rejected, he keeps trying). We are intelligent people. Our oldest is a great eater. But the issues are what they are - weighing in on that is so far from helpful. I'm very protective of it and we reach out to ask if we need to bring food because he has limited foods he eats. There are times we are grateful that he eats at all - and until you've lived through it, then it's unlikely you have anything useful to add.
Story 2 does contain an ultimatum, but it's a healthy one. Sometimes in order to get respect, you have to demand it. More likely than not, the (grand)parents won't change, and OP will have to go low contact. But maybe the fear of losing their son and grandchildren will bring them back to reason.
I mean, in my family, my mum and sister definitely tell me what to wear sometimes and I usually listen nowadays because they just know better than me about fashion - but my mum also has a very good understanding of different clothes that fit different bodies. I can pull off dungarees very nicely but they don't look as flattering on my mum and sister's body types. If my mum were to tell me "if you wear this, your boobs could fall out" - although that isn't something I often struggle with - I would listen. I think I would have gone with a minimum of NAH on that one. There are circumstances where you have to watch what you wear, and weddings are definitely one of them. There are some dresses that you really cannot wear without a bra - and it isn't sexism, just... that dress needs a bra with it. In the same way that there are some dresses where it would look really weird if you wore them *with* a bra.
Also, like you said, if she really, really is against the bra then there are other options to provide support.
Shaaba, I'm an Alanon double winner; I can tell you the rules for a healthy ultimatum. First, the person you're issuing the ultimatum to has to be crossing a boundary which you have clearly expressed to them. If a person persists in crossing that boundary, even after repeatedly being asked and then told to stop, then issuing an ultimatum may become necessary. That's rule 2: Try reason first. The final rule is to never issue an ultimatum unless you mean it. Issuing an ultimatum and then not following through makes one into a voluntary supply for a black hole of narcissism surrounding the particular toxic behavior (no matter what it is).
In the last year of my marriage, my ex wife stopped issuing ultimatums for most of it, something I later realized showed she was attending alanon. When she finally did say "It's me or the booze" one more time, and I ignored her one more time, her stuff was in boxes the next time I came home, and gone the time after that. That was my ex wife issuing a healthy ultimatum.
I have a ridiculous number of food allergies, and I am thankful every day that I have married into a family that goes above and beyond to make sure there's always something made for me. It's a level of care I have never in my life experienced, and it fills me with absolute joy.
❤
See, I thought that the 1st family was being sarcastic when they commented about the "colorful plate". My thought was that maybe the kid had very little variety on her plate and the family was pointing out the lack of options?
luv you shabbsss, i needed this today. My moms really homophobic and she found my polygel, makeup and started noticing my more feminine side.... havent really had the best month:/
Sending hugs from this mom. Also sending hope that your mom will come around and realize nothing has changed. You're still her kid that she loved before finding your stuff.
Sending hugs and good vibes your way, you are amazing, I wish you all the best
thanks luv
@@nanner3200im planning on moving to canada in 2 years and graduating college, after that im gonna come out. If they cant take it then atleast ill have a college degree and a steady job
That sucks. Take care of yourself and I hope things are better for you tomorrow.
Hi Shaaba, I know and really appreciate how you try to be kind to everyone in each story and usually bend over backwards to find even a trace of "the other side of the story". Sometimes, though, I worry that this might lead you to be vulnerable and overlook what is clearly stated (written) to find that "other side"
I'm thinking of the second (the food and eating disorder) story. I picked up on the snarky comment about the kid's colourful plate of food (how is that a bad thing worthy of snark?!) and thought that, if the mom is under medical care, she would be taught good nutrition. Other commentators have pointed out that OP explicitly stated that his wife researched childhood nutrition! Personally, I don't see even a small chance that the grandparents had valid reason to be concerned that the kids were malnourished
For the bra one I think NTA because the sister is in the bridal party. Usually, the bride says, "here's the outfit I want you to wear." So a bra just seems like part of the outfit. If she doesn't want to wear what the bride wants her to wear (or a compromise like tape), then she can just not be in the wedding. I also don't understand why she didn't buy a dress that fit right (if she's constantly adjusting it, then it doesn't fit right).
I agree with you Shaaba about the last one. I'm non-binary and I would hate if someone told me that I had to wear a bra for anything (afab). I think that everyone should wear what they are comfortable in, and I would be severely triggered if someone forced me to wear one.
Just personally, but I find ultimatums much more acceptable when the person giving them is standing up for themselves. Such as in an abusive, or unhealthy parent situation, if the kid is giving an ultimatum on literally just being treated like a human being that's completely fine because their autonomy has already been compromised. The boundaries of that can still be blurry however, and I think it's hard to draw a complete line when many situations involving ultimatums are super complicated and often represented from a similarly 100% or nothing perspective.
I watched a little further and I think you were saying it very well. When someone is giving an ultimatum in order to stand up for themselves, it is basically saying "respect my boundaries or I'll protect myself from further harm" and while that is technically an ultimatum, it's a very different kind. If someone is giving an ultimatum for their own personal gain, and using it to manipulate someone else into crossing their own (the person being presented with the ultimatum) boundaries, that's when I feel that it absolutely isn't okay.
1:08 It has been said that 'we only dream about what we know,' meaning what we see in our dreams is based on things we've encountered before; and in the context you're refering to: you're dreaming about people you've seen before, and therefore not making them up.
This notion has been disputed, as we can dream about things that don't exist in reality, and therefore there is no previous experience for it it to be something we know in order to dream about it.
I think the boundary IS boundaries. Positive ultimatums protect a boundary, whereas a harmful ultimatum is an attempt to cross a boundary.
For the bra story I think I disagree with you, but in a way where I agree with the general sentiment of let people where what they want. I also came from a home that has left me really self conscious about how much I am showing in my clothes, even now at almost 30. In this situation it feels less like she is dictating what her sister should wear, not shaming her for dressing provocatively, and more like she is concerned that there will be a wardrobe malfunction and is trying to avoid it. I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she either isn’t aware of alternative options, or that she didn’t mention them but already discussed those with her sister. Either way, she is not really dictating what her sister wears, because she let her pick whatever dress she wanted, and is not trying to get her to change her dress. She is informing her sister of her concerns about the possible wardrobe malfunction, and is making a suggestion for a way to prevent it, even offering to cover the cost, knowing that it would be for her own peace of mind more than anything. She is not giving an ultimatum or threatening to kick her out of the wedding, just micromanaging a bit. So I don’t think there are any a-holes here, and I think she needs to just take a step back and trust her sister to manage her own chest. She might just be stressed and on edge, worrying about everything that could potentially go wrong. Now I’m just projecting, because I had a stress dream last night about my wedding plans all getting messed up.
I strongly believe that OP is asking because there probably have been times when her sister flashed people.
I agree with Shaaba, but I also agree with this side of the story and I am glad you pointed it out. It could very well be she is just stressed and wants her wedding to go perfect, which includes avoiding a potential wardrobe mishap.
I'm gonna say NAH on that final story. I agree with the comment saying she should request other options. She has every right to set the dress code for her wedding; it's not policing what people wear to ask someone in your bridal party to do something. Forcing her or getting mad at her about it would've made her the asshole, though.
I was a guest at a wedding just this Saturday. I wore an extremely low cut formal evening gown with no bra. I do not have massive boobs, but I'm plus sized and a nip slip was definitely possible, even inevitable with vigorous movement. The playlist included quite a few pop punk, emo, and screamo songs from our highschool years, which got everyone on the dance floor. Jumping, fist bumping, and screaming along was enjoyed by all. You know what I did? One hand went up in the air to fist bump, and the other instinctively went to my chest to hold the girls in while I jumped and screamed along with my friends. I was not alone in this unconscious securing of my boobage, and an old friend of mine even started laughing and giggling at me in a good natured "I know the struggle" way when she noticed me wrangling the girls while dancing and having fun. This is not an uncommon experience, nor is it something the bride needs to worry about, and I'm glad she decided to stop giving it rent free space in ger brain.
Regarding the last one, there are two things at play. First, the very idea that a "nip slip" for a female is indecent and something that all women want to avoid is inherently sexist and in no way universal. In MANY cultures in the world (especially in the past but even today), exposure of breasts is treated exactly the same for both men and women. Just because it's a very common social norm, doesn't make it not-sexist. However, I also recognize that if you're hosting an event, you're allowed to set a dress code, and if you want, exclude those who don't follow it. If everyone is required to cover their nipples, then I don't see that as sexist in that context. Ironically, in most formal settings, I think men have a much stricter set of societal rules as to how much of their bodies can be shown. When have you ever seen formal wear for a man that exposes their shoulders? Or even feet? Let alone upper chest or midriff? If you disagree that the hosts are allowed to set a dress code like this, would you think it's okay to go completely nude? I think some might try to make the argument for indecency, that anything should be allowed as long as it's not "indecent", but that's entirely subjective. There are nude weddings after all, in which the hosts clearly don't think it's indecent to show up naked (but perhaps anything explicitly sexual might be). I think it all comes down to, the hosts are allowed to set their own boundaries as to dress code and are allowed to exclude you if you're not willing to follow it.
I agree, but in that case I also think it was OP's responsibility to say they didn't want revealing dresses up front before people started buying dresses for the event. The way OP talked about the situation and responded to some comments made it sound like they assumed that this was obvious rather than communicating clearly.
Tops are not mandatory in public pools in my country for any gender
I completely agree, a reasonable take.
We have cultural norms and traditions, which basically are just a set of rules for what is decent and what is rude or indecent. They don't have to make sense. Shaking hands is weird af, but in some contexts it's rude not to
I agree that men's formal clothing options are more limited, but that kind of makes it simpler. I can wear my black two piece suit to anything, I just change what shirt and tie to fit the occasion. When my niece got married I wore a tie that matched the bridesmaids' dresses (she sent me a fabric sample), for a funeral it's white shirt and black tie. (At my Dad's funeral I also wore my fanciest waistcoat because we always tried to outdo each other with the brightest, most colourful waistcoats.)
I think the ultimatum one was very healthy and respectful. They offered two reasonable choices - allow the mom to bring her own food as she used to do, or only have visits that don't include eating dinner. The unhealthy version of that ultimatum would be "You must cook exactly to my specifications or I will never allow you to see your grandchildren again."
Thank you so much for properly explaining sensory processing disorder, as you said it really is often overlooked as just an ‘annoyance’, when it really does cause significant distress, it’s not the same for everyone but it can completely destroy someone’s life even without it being so heavily dismissed.
That red top you wore in Greece looks flipping AMAZING on you!
I get what your saying about clothes being sewn for different body types. There are lots of styles of pants that will bunch and hang awkwardly if i got them off the rack simply cause my legs and hips arent what the designers had in mind. I handle this by sewing to take things in and adjust bits so it looks fine, but its a very real thing to pay attention to.
I think the wedding one depends on the climate of the wedding and who's there. There may be a few people who will make a fuss about it and its not fair for the bride to deal with drama on her wedding day. (Even more so if anything happens.) However, it is tricky and a compromise should at least be discussed. Ex: Not doing any excessive movement, wearing a undershirt or like Shaaba said, wearing tape.
I think when you're part of a wedding party, not just an attendee, the bride and groom CAN dictate what you wear. If bride wants to ensure her sister won't have a nip slip, sister needs to do SOMETHING to ensure that.
I've always been large up top since puberty and I had a dress very similar to what was described when I was 18. My grandmother sewed a little teardrop crystal where the crossing panels met so it looked intentional but the panels couldn't shift and let anything through. That right there, possibly plus some pasties, would be a perfectly acceptable way to wear that dress and not wear a bra.
I absolutely appreciate the "you can't dictate what someone else wears" sentiment, but I feel like this is also a matter of respecting the other wedding guests. Whether we like it or not, our society has sexualized women's bodies so much that it feels inescapable at this point, so even if it's not framed in a way that "oh no, you can't show your boobs because that makes you slutty" or whatever, having boobs on show can be considered partial nudity.
And the dress has been described as objectively at high risk of boobs popping out, so it feels like it's a reasonable concern.
I wouldn't want to see someone half-nude when I haven't consented to it - and that's what I would be at risk of if I attended that wedding xD
I totally agree. And I come from a place where people wear revealing bikinis at beaches, or maybe even nothing at the nude beaches and saunas.
The sister has to consider the other guests as well, she should take measurements to ensure she does not flash anybody, like tape, or a bra. Since the risk is clearly high they might slip out. And everyone else has not consented to be exposed to that on that day.
Why is the sister so against keeping the cargo safe?!
@@ethan_the_alien Um, I wear a G-cup and it is super easy to dress so that my boobs don't have the slightest risk to popp out of my clothes: Just don't wear a super deep neckline. If course, it's impossible to hide that a person has big breasts, but it's also impossible for the boobs to get out if the neckline isn't deep.
@@ethan_the_alien when they say its nudity theyre referring to the nipple popping out, not the cleavage. and its not about free the nipple, the bride said she wouldn't let men be shirtless either. I agree with the free the nipple principle and i think bodies should be desexualised but its not appropriate at every event to have woman *or* man tits out. would it be the same conversation if she showed up shirtless in just a skirt? why is it different to not take any precautions to not let your titty fall out than to not bother wearing a top in the first place? either way its her body, her choice, isnt it? i feel like we need to be consistent.
Then you can look away.
It's not appropriate for men to show their nipples at a wedding, either
22:41 yeah, double sided tape and or just putting a few stitches in a matching thread colour into the part of the front where it crosses over in the front after you put it on for the wedding so the front pieces don’t shift apart as you move, that would make me worried a lot less about the dress falling off while I was dancing, and if it’s more about being able to see nipples through a dress that isn’t as opaque as you thought it was when you bought it to an event where showing nipples isn’t appropriate, there’s always nipple cover stickers to give the impression that your dress has a flesh coloured lining. A lot of formal dresses have breast support built in to the dress, they often have corset boning moulded foam cups or shelf bras, and that really can effect who can wear what dress, because if the built in bra is the wrong size, even if the rest of the dress fits perfectly, you’re going to have to take it into the seamstress to have the bra part cut out in a way that doesn’t let the fabric unravel.
12:48 my sister's partner has trouble eating a lot of foods and when they eat it for medical reasons, if my family started to get upset at them for not eating what we brought (they we already knew they couldn't eat anyways) and how little they do eat I would get pissed at them too, it isn't okay and sometimes it isn't something that can be solved quickly especially in this case
Psychologist here; your brain absolutely can generate a completely new face in your dreams or just in your imagination. The same way you can make up any other object or scenery that has never actually existed before in your mind.
20:40 love your suggestion with the tape!
I'm trying to teach myself to look behind the rule someone (or myself) sets up.
If you say "You are not allowed to go braless!" that's not actually the underlying reason, that's just *one* strategy to reach a goal. The goal is "don't flash people accidentally at my wedding" or even "i don't want to worry that you might be seen flashing accidentally, or end up in wedding photos like that". with THOSE, you can actually move on to *other* strategies to fulfill a goal!
* using tape
* wearing some sort of undergarment that's not a bra
There's probably other strategies, too.
If it's more about OP's *worry* than about the sister actually getting embarrased or sth, then another line of questions might be like, why does this even bother me so much? OP seems to not just worry about the potential nip slip, but also about how it looks to not wear a bra under the dress in the first place.....😮
As someone who has a sensory prossesing disorder and some other issues I always get super invested when I hzar someone else does too, it makes me feel like I'm not alone.
I once met this girl who had Developmental cordination disorder and also sensory processing disorder, besides that we had alot of simulair intrests, so when we talked and I found out about her having the same disorders I was schocked, we instantly bonded mire over it, sadly I don't really get to chance to see her that much anymore, she is not really a close friend I met her through her older brother who I was in theatre with, we had only hanged out 2 times but it still kinda sucks we have almost no contact
13:30 Boundary: if you do things that make me feel extremely bad, i will remove myself from this situation to protect myself (or in this case, my loved ones).
Ultimatum: I'm trying to be bossy about how YOU behave (on something that does not actually cause me harm) to assert control.
Hi! I have hypersensitivity to certain things, mostly food, which can be inline as well with sensory processing. When you mentioned gloves it suddenly just hit me that my weirdest one might be that. I absolutely hate having nail polish on my nails (specifically in my hands), I've even googled if you can scientifically have sensitivity in your nails (you can't), but I swear to god I feel the weight and the tightness of the nail polish! It's a very bizarre sensation that no one in my life has even been able to understand.
* throws bait * Let's see what we're catching this week.....
#2 If they know the wife has eating requirements and then make nothing she can eat, that sounds deliberate. Now that she's a parent suddenly she can't have sensory disorders?? Wtf?
Petition for anyone who forces their child to wear cloths that are uncomfortable to the point of stretching/adjusting to the point of pain/panic (I still sometimes have problems with that even if I choose cloths comfortable to me) to wear the scratchiest woollen cloths, one size too small, in existence for a week and see how they like it.
As a child, being FORCED to wear cloths that make you constantly try to adjust cloths that don't feel/sit right and hurting yourself as a result, or the feeling that the texture of the fabric is digging into you taking up all of your mental faculties, is downright HELL.
I think when ultimatums contain choices, they're setting boundaries. When it's an all or none single option, it's a true ultimatum. Boundaries can be very necessary. Ultimatums can come from an angry, selfish place meant to cause harm or anguish.
In regards to sensory disorder food person AITA: My parents have told me that, when I was little, I went through various picky phases, and my parents asked my pediatrician if it was something to be concerned about. What the pediatrician told them was that, at a pretty young age, the main goal of my body was to just grow, and that almost anything I ate would facilitate that. So if I was only willing to eat mac and cheese, the important thing was that I was eating. The phase would pass with a normal amount of encouragement and structure. I am currently a healthy adult with a fairly open palate. I have some food preferences that play into my diet, but not at all in any significant or unhealthy way (I detest cooked salmon and struggle with shellfish if it's not sufficiently incorporated into something else, but eat other foods that contain the nutrients that those foods contain).
The eating disorder sounds like ARFID to me rather than anorexia nervosa. Sensory disorders are very common alongside ARFID. And loved ones saying ANYTHING about their diet can be very very triggering and painful and needs to not happen. I agree with your point about building boundaries vs setting ultimatums.
When I was around sixteen, I had the cushiest babysitting gig for a lovely neighbor family. They paid me nearly as much for playing board games with and reading for two perfectly-behaved little girls (and inevitably dozing off on the couch after putting them to bed) for like 2-4 hours as OP received for an entire weekend of minding an INFANT, which is way more work [and also involves poop.] OP’s family was getting an absolute steal and should have been thankful for their generously taking care of OP’s nephew practically free of charge. 💩
In my opinion, it's completely legitimate to set some rules for your wedding guests about clothes - something like "festive" or "not too revealing". I'm not a fan of demanding certain colours for the guests, but everyone is okay with not wearing a long white dress on other people's wedding because there are lots of alternatives, and there are lots of alternatives to revealing clothes, too, though they are quite trendy right now. Appropriate for everyday life is not the same as appropriate for a wedding. I would agree that people can wear whatever they like but not to OTHER people's personal (not public) events. If someone wishes to wear a certain type of clothing that the couple does not find fitting for their wedding, that person can throw their own party and wear whatever they like ;)
Tape might be a solution but as far as I know, it does not work for everyone and some people don't like the feeling.
I agree. If they were going to a public place it’s up to the sister. But I think that it is part of the dress code of a wedding to dress “smart”. As in you can still wear the elegant evening gown but there is an expectation not to show underwear or flash people 😂 it would literally be the only thing people would remember about OP’s wedding and it’s her shindig. She can set whatever boundaries she likes. The sister can choose to respect them or not. I think some adjustments to the dress or other precautions (my mom sewed a cut up bra to a corset when I had a halter backless dress I was much more comfortable than I’d feel if I was having to feel myself up during my sister’s wedding
For my wedding, I kept being told to not wear a bra with my outfit. Really annoyed me because it was making me self-conscious about something that was actually hardly noticeable. Boob and bra policing is something that really makes me angry, everyone is built differently and has different comfort levels and needs. Let people be comfy wear what they want!
I did wear the bra at my wedding, no-one noticed, I was comfortable and looked fantastic ✨️
Bad textured food can make you vomit or the ability to swallow just goes away and you choke, it takes ages to feel okay again after. Not accommodating food needs is torture.
I watch this every Monday after school and it gives me something to look forward to (but please don't feel pressured to keep making them if you don't want to)
I watch these videos feeling like a nodding dog - my answer to "AITA?" is pretty much always "what Shaaba said". Also, that top looks fantastic on you!
I am a solo mum to two children (one who has had an eating disorder but is in recovery and one has autism and sensory processing issues) I agree with OP. Recovery from an ED is not linear it is an absolute rollercoaster. And Sensory processing disorder is no walk in the park. Having both of them must be an absolute nightmare. We used to take food my daughter would and could eat or she would just choose what to eat. My Mum always made sure there was something that my son would eat (and it was always balanced and healthy.). My MIL would try and force my son to eat foods he just couldn't eat and when he wouldn't would try and force my daughter to make him eat it and when she couldn't would get cross with her. My husband died when my kids were 2 and 9. They are now 19 and 26.
Also ... 3:45 The dignity of being able to pay someone, when you don't have much yourself, is not something to take away from someone. Mother is TA.
Just want to say you look stunning in your top.
My son was an extremely picky eater with an aversion to certain foods, so I just kept trying with different things. He is 26 now and because he was never forced into eating foods he disliked, he is now willing to try different foods. Being understanding and patient is a priority when dealing with children. I hope that couple continue working with their therapist and dietician and that his family just back off
As someone with SPD who grew up undiagnosed I totally feel for the mom in that one because I was fortunate enough to grow up in an accommodating household where my parents would make a meal with accommodations for me so that I could either pick around something I didn’t like or have my own portion before it was included.
Even though they didn’t know the cause of my struggles they understood how hard it was for me and how much of an easy going natured person I was despite that and they didn’t want to make things worse for me because it just wasn’t worth the energy to them.
I was also fortunate to love vegetables, poultry, and rice however so it was always easy for them to find ways to make different meals but still not have to put much extra effort into accommodating me in the process, for instance if the family was having steak, rice, and green beans they’d simply make me a piece of chicken to have with the rice and green beans instead.
I’m sorry for that person’s struggles and trauma surrounding food and I hope things get better for them!
The second one reminds me of a situation with my. Nieces and my dad. My folks grew up with very little so you ate every thing on your plate one dinner the girls ate every thing on their plates other thAn the tomato’s my dad insisted they eat the tomato’s end results three girls in tears. I have a rule you must try every thing on your plate if you try it and don’t like it you don’t have to finish it
I have never had any problems making up imaginary people in my dreams. 😁
So I have no idea where you heard folks just can't do that.
The human brain can't make up a face, specifically, I'm pretty sure. Can you imagine faces clearly?
@@50shadesofbs81I actually can imagine faces very clearly in my minds eye. Both made up by myself, and faces of people I know in real life.
I have a very hyper visual minds eye.
I do however lack the ability to see or hear words and numbers in my head.
So swings and round abouts. 😊
Shaaba I love love love that you started making these videos longer! Monday's are difficult for me but I've made your videos into a "ritual" so when I come home exhausted from everything I always really look forward to watching your newest video. When they were shorter I used to replay them twice in a row just so I can make myself get unready and eat while listening to my parasocial friend lol. Someday I'll start a petition for your videos to last an hour! I'm only partly joking lol. But seriously thank you for putting so much effort, you're making my days better and your voice always calms me down. Thank you!💜
Actually, this exact photo of you in your top (which really is a georgeous top btw) made me more confident in wearing something similar during my holiday this year. So thank you for that ❤
14:28 the story about the grandparents and the eating/feeding, I would say, even if the OP is not feeding the kids well, OP's wife's parents are not the ones to tell her. They've done such harm already. They have no grounds to comment.
To me, there isn't necessarily a difference between setting a healthy boundary and giving someone an ultimatum. Instead, I would contrast setting healthy boundaries with manipulating people to do what you want them to.
ok but the first one is wild to me bc like,, I noticed shaaba called OP a woman but,, they're 17. I'm sorry but that is still a child. and I get that not all people mature at the same speed and everything, but I don't know that I would leave an infant with a 17yo for multiple days while being out-of-town. not that a 17yo can't be responsible but taking care of a kid isn't easy, especially when it's a baby, and if it was just like for a few hours for date night or smth sure that's fine, but that's so much stress and anxiety and responsibility to put on someone who is also still a child themselves (not implying that teenagers are the same as babies ofc but they're also definitely not full grown).
anyway all of that aside, it makes no sense to me that OP's mother was so upset at them for taking what was actually quite a small amount of money given the amount of work they were doing tbh, especially because it seems like OP was never "expecting" a payment of any kind. imo, regardless of them being family or not, I believe the parents should pay at least something for OP's time and effort (because again, it's not like this was babysitting for a few hours for date night, this was an entire weekend OP gave up to do this, assuming they were not in fact going to be paid, and the parents couldn't even be bothered to make sure they had food in the house). I did the math and $80 for 2 days of caring for an infant is literally $1.67/hr. that's like the bare minimum the sibling deserves tbh.
also, just a side note, but I'm curious if the mother would have expected the same sacrifice of time and effort had the teenager in question been male rather than female. 🤔 because I have a feeling it would not have been expected of a 17yo son/brother to sacrifice a whole weekend to care for a baby with no compensation.
edit: so the bra thing...I have a few points to make. firstly, weddings are notorious for having sometimes very extreme dress codes, and when you RSVP to a wedding, you are agreeing to adhere to that dress code, no matter if it's country western themed or black tie. I think it's also important to note here that it is not cheap to pay for all of the things guests usually get for free at most weddings (food mainly but often alcoholic drinks and possibly other things as well), and I think it's fundamentally disrespectful to the people getting married to agree to their request for proper attire only to then go "sorry no I'm just going to wear whatever I want even though I was specifically given the dress code probably months in advance." (to be clear though, OP is crossing a line by trying to force their sister to specifically wear a bra, but I think they have the right to request the sister choose another dress or find some sort of other solution, like the tape shaaba mentioned)
secondly, while I understand how people might assume OP is acting on internalized misogyny (and that's entirely possible, I obviously don't know them personally), I wanted to point out that in my consideration of YTA vs NTA, I have come to believe that it's actually an issue of consent, rather than "decency" or "appropriateness."
because all social settings come with expectations right? for example, let's say I'm going to the beach. I would expect to find people showing a lot more skin, maybe nipples, or even more if it's a nude beach. and by going there knowing that people will be wearing less covering clothing like swimsuits, it would be unreasonable for me to get upset or try to force my own idea of "appropriateness" or "modesty" on everyone there if I was someone who disliked seeing people's bodies less covered.
However, let's say I'm going to a really nice restaurant and they have a dress code that includes things like you must wear a shirt and shoes, would it be unfair or oppressive for the staff to refuse me service if I showed up wearing a open bathrobe and no shoes? of course not. I don't think it's fair to call OP sexist for saying that it would be "inappropriate" for their sister to wear an outfit that's likely to end up with her flashing unsuspecting wedding guests. I'm sure the rest of the family doesn't want to see that and it's not because boobs are offensive or inherently sexual, it's because they didn't go to a wedding with a formal dress code and expect to see nipples of any kind.